A Reluctant Mind

It is never about education

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 09:33:00 +0000

It has been almost two years since the Eighteenth Amendment was passed by the National Assembly of Pakistan and all children aged between five to 16 years have not only gained the right to not only access, but also to demand free education, in case it is not provided. However, it is sad that no provincial assembly has chalked out its own education policy as yet. More depressing is the serious lack of reporting and debate in mainstream media about this issue. For a country where more than half of the population is below the age of 15 and nearly one-third is below the age of nine, such laxity about reporting on the issue most important to the biggest group of population is scandalous.

Pick up any newspaper — English, vernacular, national or regional — and what passes for education reporting is never about education. Most news items published under the head of education are actually administrative statements like press releases by the various examination boards, announcement of academic year, examination notifications issued and reports about the annual meeting of board of directors or an academic committee of a university.

If the education news is not about the examination boards’ notices and proclamations, then it is usually about the administrative corruption of the education officials and the incidents and number of students caught red-handed while cheating during board exams. There would be some news pieces covering protests by the parents and students, against the aforementioned corruption and cheating, but the news coverage is always reactive and hardly carries any background information.

Most of the reporting on education is about performance of government-run schools. Although a huge number of children now go to private schools, there is hardly any impartial mention about the quality of education imparted there. There would be odd news about parents protesting fee hikes, or a school fair, but nothing more concrete. Some newspapers even have sections devoted to education, but they too print interviews of successful students and review job fairs and education expos, instead of focusing on real issues pertaining to education.

The reporting on education is also overwhelmingly urban. The news about rural communities does not get much airtime or space in any case, but the news about rural education is almost nonexistent in Pakistani media — not even the reports about cheating in exams or lack of facilities in rural schools. Similarly, education provided in madrassas does not get any attention from the media. Even though the madrassas have an estimated six per cent of children of school-going age, any news reference to them is almost invariably related to terrorism and never about the kind and quality of education which is imparted.

We devote reams of newsprint and hours-upon-hours of airtime on a non-issue like memogate, but the issue that is of most significance to the largest section of population does not command even a fraction of that attention. There is still debate about ‘what is to be taught and how and in what language’ but it commands less space in the media than the useless exercise of bashing the US. What is most tragic is that the group that is most affected by this criminal carelessness — the children of Pakistan — never get any space to voice their grievances. The future of millions of children is being ruined by this negligence and the media is silent.

First published in The Express Tribune

The buffoonery of Shahbaz Sharif

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:48:00 +0000

The buffoonery of PML-N leadership is well documented in Pakistani media but the Mian Shahbaz Sharif’s interview last night with Javed Chaudhry was so gallactically stupid, it makes one want to cry – literally.

A few gems from this epic interview are:

“All conspiracies against Punjab government and corruption schemes are designed in the President House.”

If the staff at President House managed to find some time off from fighting one case after another from a very partisan judiciary, they would’ve loved to hatch a scheme or two against Chotay Mian Sahib. Sadly they are busy fighting battles for the survival and finishing the term. Mian sahib should look closer to home if he wants to pin the blame – his own government.

“President Asif Ali Zardari is the responsible for everything that ails the country.”

Seriously? Is that your argument? Is that how you are gonna win next elections? By pinning the blame on a man who willingly gave up his presidential authorities to the parliament? Of course Asif Ali Zardari – the co chair of PPP – has control over the party and the government but you cannot blame his office for it.

“CNG shortage is artificially created by the federal government to sabotage the public transport system introduced by PML-N’s government in Punjab.”

Gas is an exhaustible natural resource, and you would do well to remember that. No government, no matter how suicidal it is, would want to face public’s wrath during election years by making basic utilities unavailable – even if it is trying to make Chotay Mian sahab’s life miserable.

“I don’t consider this person [Asif Zardari] the president of Pakistan.”

Errr …. All legislative bodies including the one you lead unanimously elected that person as your president. You may hate his guts but you can’t deny the fact that he indeed is the democratically elected president of the country. What makes it more ironic is that this statement was issued the same day when PML-N offers conditional support to the President.

“I am willing to take responsibility for the security of Mansoor Ijaz.”

I am so glad that Rehman Malik plans on filing a request for a ‘contempt of court’ notice against the chief minister.

Mansoor Ijaz: International Man of Mystery

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 07:49:00 +0000

Move over Austin Powers, here is the new International Man of Mystery

Mansoor Ijaz has been declared the most envied man in Pakistan according to the latest survey. The poll was conducted among married urban men aged 28-46 and they all agree that Mansoor Ijaz is indeed the luckiest of them all. Contrary to popular understanding, it is not his status as an ‘international man of mystery’ or his perfectly slicked-back-hair that has made men envious all over the country; it is his newfound role as an actor in a dubious music video.

Mansoor Ijaz has been known as an international businessman, a self appointed negotiator and broker of sorts, but ever since a video has resurfaced featuring the chief accuser of the memogate scandal as an actor, people have changed their opinion about him. “I thought he was a small-time troublemaker looking for glory, but who needs glory when you get to commentate for a naked female wrestling match,” said a Karachi-based banker, Ali. His colleague Saad agreed with him, gave a thumbs-up for Mansoor Ijaz and said, “Way to go man!”

A businessman from Lahore, who wishes to stay anonymous, thinks Mansoor Ijaz’s wife is the coolest woman on the planet. “OMG! There is a woman out there who wants her husband to partake in such activities and was there by his side all the way through. She is definitely a keeper.”

For most Pakistanis, the popularity of the video and envy for Mansoor Ijaz stems from the novelty of seeing a man who looks like themselves in a raunchy video with white women. “We always thought that it is the white dudes or the black guys who get to go to places like that, with Mansoor Ijaz in that video, it has given us the courage that we too can do stuff like that in future. All we need is a visa for Europe and some contacts on the other side,” said two high school best friends from an elite Rawalpindi school.

Mansoor Ijaz’s video has also created quite a stir in the lawyers’ community. Many lawyers have come forward wanting to represent him thinking it would give them an opportunity to experience his lifestyle. Mansoor Ijaz’s current lawyer has vowed to stay with him through thick and thin for the same reason. However, it is still not known if the businessman, ladies wrestling commentator and international man of mystery is in the market for a new lawyer.

It is not just the adult men who seem impressed by the memo man. It has been learned through reliable sources that high school kids who showed no interest in English language previously, now want to know the meaning of the words such as ‘tumbling’ and ‘nasty’. One kid even asked his mom if he can name his kitten ‘Double D’. It is not known, yet, if the mother relented.

A local video director is also considering using Mansoor Ijaz to do his music video, however, he does not know if he can afford the rich businessman. He has been told to approach him through his wife, after all, he only relented on his wife’s insistence the first time around.

Due to the success of the “Stupidisco” song in Pakistan, Junior Jack, the video producer, is considering hiring other Pakistanis for his future videos. Sources close to him have revealed that he has shortlisted Sheikh Rasheed and Shah Mehmood Qureshi amongst others to star in his next video.

First published in The Express Tribune

PS: Before anyone asks me about the validity of the survey (as they have done on the ET website) let me state that it is satire and everything is fictional except for Mansoor Ijaz, his wife, the music video and the writer.

Somebody save Shahid Afridi

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:54:00 +0000

If you are an advertiser trying to sell any product in Pakistan, what should be on your wish list? If you are smart and want to make your life easy, you would want Shahid Afridi as your brand ambassador/model/spokesperson. However some advertisers cannot even properly use a brand ambassador as universally adored as Shahid Afridi and screw up gallactically.

I think just about everyone has seen the latest television commercial (TVC) for Head & Shoulders featuring Shahid Afridi and Ramiz Raja. The concept is that a hot headed Afridi is practicing in the nets and is getting bowled on every ball. Ramiz Raja asks him to cool down and hands him a bottle of Head & Shoulders. Just after one hair wash, Afridi has cooled down to the extent that he can actually block a ball. Other cricketers celebrate an occasional sixer, but Afridi – for whom sixers are as commonplace as dot balls – actually celebrates successfully blocking a ball. The TVC, though kinda lame, is still bearable. It is the radio commercial that drives you crazy.

The radio commercial features Ramiz Raja in his real life role of a cricket commentator. He is talking about how Afridi is getting beaten by the ball all the time. The copy that follows is so gigantically fucked up, it’s unbelievable. It goes something like:

“Drinks break shuru hua, aur yeh kya, Afridi ne pani ki jagah Head & Shoulders ki bottle mangwai aur waheen ground mein apna sar dhona shuru kar diya, ab Afridi cool ho gaye aur unhon ne buhat hi achi tarah ball ko rok liya. Is baat pe poora ground ek sath chilla utha – Afridi cool cool.”

I mean seriously?

Who wrote that copy and the more important question is who approved that copy? Can you seriously imagine Afridi washing his hair in the middle of a cricket ground during drinks break? You realize what kind of havoc a scene like that would wreak? All the ladies – and quite a few men – would break all the cordons and battle the security to get up close and personal with the erstwhile skipper. They would also want to lend him a hand or two, to wash his hair, to hold the bottle of shampoo and the water bucket (I am assuming that Afridi would need a bucket of water to rinse off that shampoo). What I find most disconcerting is that no one else seems to be disturbed by a radio commercial as crazy as this one.

Another important question that needs to be answered is who, in the God’s name, is handling Afridi’s commercial endorsements? Anyone who allows our beloved Lala to feature in TVCs as lame as this one should either be lobotomized or banished to the deep dark dungeons.

PS: It’s a Saatchi & Saatchi advert. If anyone of my readers knows people in either Saatchi & Saatchi or P&G, make them read my post and tell them how awful their effort is. If anyone of you knows Shahid Afridi, ask him to hire me as his image manager, coz I am the best person for the job.

Another foul murder; RIP Mukarram Khan

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:41:00 +0000

On my way back home last evening, I received a text from my colleague that Mukarram Sahab has been shot and was taken to a hospital in Peshawar. So stunned was I with the news that I did not realize when the signal turned green and only moved when the cars behind me honked. An hour later, I found that Mukarram Sahabb has succumbed to his injuries.

Mukarram Khan Atif was a senior tribal journalist from Mohmand Agency and was killed on January 17^th 2012 in a targeted attack after receiving repeated threats to his life. He was offering evening prayers in a mosque when he was shot in the head by two gunmen.

I have known Mukarram Sahab for only a few weeks but he made a profound impact in that very short time. I am city girl, from Karachi, with my fair share of prejudices about the tribesmen and how they behave. Mukarram Sahab was one of those people who helped me in looking beyond the stereotype of a stern and unyielding tribesman with his intelligence, valour, grace, and self effacing sense of humour. He humanized the area and its people for me, a city dweller who only conjured up images of Hakimullah Mehsud and the likes in reference with the tribesmen from FATA.

Mukarram Sahab had many interesting stories about his time as a reporter in the tribal region, be it about interviewing suspected suicide bombers, traveling to remote areas on foot for stories and sneaking into difficult areas as a goat shepherd. Back in 2001, Mukarram Sahab was taken hostage by Afghan Taliban along with a French and a Pakistani journalist. All three of them were charged with spying for USA by the Taliban government. As none of the other two journalists could speak Pashto, he was asked to interpret for them by the Taliban government in Afghanistan. He said that he would do it but he would want to be paid for his services. He actually managed to charge the Taliban govt. for interpreting for the two journalists in captivity. I asked him how he pulled off this incredulous feat and he said that he takes his work very seriously and believe in being paid for whatever he does. I asked him to write all such fascinating stories and share it with the world. Mukarram Sahab agreed and said that one day he would sit down and write. He kept an archive of all his radio reports for Deewa and thought that he would transcribe it all when he can spare the time. Unfortunately, he was killed by the TTP for not giving them enough coverage on those radio reports and the world will never know about his hard to believe escapades.

Deaths and journalists’ murders are a sad reality in Pakistan, but what irritates me most is the way local media reports these incidents. Dawn, a supposedly responsible newspaper came up with the headline “Pakistani journalist working for US media shot dead.” The News, a generally horrid newspaper came up with the headline “VoA journalist assassinated in Charsadda.” What are these reports trying to imply? That he was working for a US media house and in some way responsible for his own murder? Are we absolving his murderers of their brutality? Does his employment for a foreign news organization make him less of a Pakistani or less of a human? Mukarram Sahab was a Pakistani journalist working as a correspondent for Dunya TV and a stringer for VoA’s Pashto service Deewa Radio. It’s about time we claim our people and heroes and give them due credit for their courage, fearlessness, and bravery.

Mukarram Khan Atif in Islamabad

Reporters Sans Frontier has declared Pakistan the most dangerous country for journalists second year in a row. I never thought that the first journalist to die this year would be someone I knew personally. Mukarram Sahab, you were a fine gentleman and a brave soul. May you rest in peace.

Land of rumour and hyperbole

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:13:00 +0000

They say there is no business like show business. The case of Pakistan, however, is a tad different and here there is no business like news business. Take any newspaper for instance; the front page would be full of statements, rhetoric, hearsay and guess work. There is hardly any good old-fashioned, solid news.

Every newspaper — national or vernacular — is wondering the state of Mansoor Ijaz’s visa application for his appearance before the judicial commission in Islamabad. Whether he has applied for the visa or not, and in case he applies for it, will he apply for a visa in Washington DC or London? Mansoor Ijaz, who vows to appear before the judicial commission yet again, even though he has made no concrete move to actualise his commitment, gets a headline. A news item like this, which is nothing but speculation and rhetoric, is usually given a prominent spot in most newspapers.

The news about the course of action advised by the coalition partners to the PPP government is one of the most prominently displayed ones, yet it is full of platitudes. The news about the army’s silence and how it is worrisome for the movers and shakers in Islamabad, is nothing but speculation. Similarly, the news about Altaf Husain talking to the Taliban and Imran Khan talking to all but the PML-N is mere political posturing.

The electronic media is worse and the events of the past couple of days are a good example of the fact that large segments of it seem to thrive only on sensationalism. Many anchors were willing to suffer coronaries and brain aneurysms to make their point. Some were so eager to ensure that they appear most earnest; they risked combustion by passionate rhetoric, if that’s possible. Dr Goebbels used propaganda as a war tool in Nazi Germany and he was quite successful in it. We, it appears, live in the age of rumours where it is used as a tool of political manoeuvring.

Similarly, the media’s news gathering is limited to a few big cities. A bomb blast in Lahore or rioting in Karachi gets maximum coverage and stays in the news for far longer than a blast in Charsadda and brutal massacre of government officials in Turbat. The lack of voices from Balochistan in the electronic media is unfair, if not criminal.

Those who sing praises of a free media should pause and ponder if the media is really doing what it is supposed to do? Does it give all the players equal opportunities to present their case? Does it posit the same pointing questions to all the players — political and apolitical — or does it do the bidding of a select group? Only this week, we have seen one TV anchor or the other championing coup, but were there any dissenting voices? If the honour of the armed forces cannot be questioned then why are we subjecting our elected representative to the repeated shame and humiliation? If the institution of judiciary is above any scrutiny — as presented by the media — then why not parliament?

Amidst all the rumours, rhetoric, conjecture, gossip, posturing and speculation, the real news gets lost somewhere. There are so many news worthy items that never get airtime because the media is busy peddling inanities.

First published in The Express Tribune.

Because jumping the ship is en vogue

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:33:00 +0000

In an innovative move yesterday, PPP co-chair and President of Pakistan Mr Asif Ali Zardari announced that he is switching parties and has now joined Mr Imran Khan's Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf.

While the general public is baffled and speculators are speculating about the probable reasons behind this unprecedented move - no party chair has ever voluntarily vacated his position and decided to move to another party as a junior member - this scribe managed a few precious quotes from the erstwhile PPP co-chair, who at the time of the interview was vacationing in Scotland with his children.

When President Zardari was told that his move to PTI is being viewed with suspicion, he was astounded. "I don't know why there is such a brouhaha over my membership in Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf, it is but natural that Imran and I should come together. We have so much in common we could practically be BFFs, like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan." When asked to elaborate, he pointed out that both he and Khan had lived it up in their youth, unlike some other politicians who spent their younger days politicking and working on their public personas. "We are two single dudes whose children live away from home; we get lonely in the evenings and can now keep each other company, watch Capital Talk together and mock Hamid Mir's hair, mustache and sartorial choices. Besides, both of us were astute enough to marry way above our station."

When asked about the future of Pakistan People's Party, Mr Zardari said that the party was left to Bilawal by his mother; Mr Zardari himself was just the caretaker waiting for Bilawal Bhutto Zardari to grow up and take over the reins. "Now that Bilawal and Aseefa are all grown up and geared to go, I have to step aside and let them take the lead, that's what any good father would do," said the president.

PTI chairman Imran Khan, also vacationing in the United Kingdom with his children, welcomed Mr. Zardari's move to his party and said that Mr Zardari's modesty is the perfect foil for his posturing. "I can point fingers and accuse every one of all kinds of misdeeds," said Mr Khan, "and Mr. Zardari will go and placate everyone afterwards." When asked whether or not Zardari's inclusion in his party goes against the PTI rhetoric - such as the stance against hereditary politics - Khan said that no member of Zardari's clan has ever been part of PTI; Zardari is the first person to have joined the party. "As his children hold key positions in a rival party, chances of them jumping in are slim," Imran Khan added.

While both the leaders appear to be at peace with each other, naysayers are pointing out that Mr. Zardari had no intention of joining PTI, but a recent attack by NATO forces on Bilawal House made him change his mind. He would have let it go as collateral damage in the Global War Against Terror, but he changed his mind when he found out that Secretary Clinton had denied any knowledge of the existence of either Bilawal Bhutto Zardari or Bilawal House.

While Imran Khan seems happy with the stag-party-in-progress, another former jiyala (who was also a member of General Zia's Majlis-e-Shura) does not seem too happy with the development. Shah Mehmood Qureshi thought he would be the only jiyala to cross over party lines and believes Mr Zardari will spoil his camaraderie with Mr. Khan.

"I thought it would be a party of good-looking men only," Shah Mehmood Qureshi said. "Granted that Mr Zardari's new teeth have made his smile the brightest one in Pakistan, but he still has to catch up with me when it comes to being called a good-looking man." When it was pointed out to the former foreign minister that his party is not limited to good looking men - it has Shireen Mizari in a senior position - he declined to comment. Sources close to Mr. Qureshi later said that he was shocked when he found out that Shireen Mizari was not a good looking man.

First published in The Friday Times

PS: Before anyone lynches me, let me point out that it is a spoof and Mr. President is still very much a jiyala.

More equal than others in death

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:26:00 +0000

In the wake of the cross-border Nato attack in November that killed 24 Pakistani soldiers in Salala, the whole country was up in arms against the aggression of the allied forces. From the political parties to lawyers associations, from banned militant outfits to student organisations, from the head of the armed forces to the aunties in drawing room; everyone thought it fitting to lambast the US — especially since most people cannot really distinguish between the US and Nato — for attacking Pakistan’s sovereignty, its land and its people. As if protest of the people living in the country was not enough, Altaf Bhai decided to join in the condemnation of NATO forces all the way from London.

A few weeks later, 15 Frontier Constabulary personnel who were captured in Tank on December 23^rd were taken to Waziristan by the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) and killed after a dozen days. Unlike the deaths in Salala, no one is mourning the loss of lives of these 15 men because we do not cry at the atrocities committed by our so called strategic assets – the TTP – who not only claim these deaths with impunity, they justify it as an act of revenge. We only lament, or maybe we are pushed into lamenting for those who are killed by foreigners – be it individuals (victims of Raymond Davis) or troops (victims of Salala bombings in November) to get maximum political and material leverage out of it. It’s a slur on national integrity if soldiers die in cross border skirmishes, but if the strategic assets – or more likely the strategic liabilities – murder a group of soldiers in cold blood, it only merits a brief press release with no mention of the names of those who died.

The victims of Waziristan will also not be grieved because there were no officers and gentlemen amongst them. They were ordinary soldiers; and we do not mourn the deaths of mere soldiers who die in the line of duty by their compatriots.

Did any political party called for protest against this act of barbarism? No.

Have we seen the footage of flag covered coffins set in manicured gardens for all to pay respect to the dead on the tv to fan the public anger? No.

Has there been funeral prayers for the victims of Waziristan where who‘s who of the country offered condolences and vowed to avenge their deaths? No.

Did lawyers boycott their activities? No, it was business as usual for them.

Were distressed family members, wailing mothers and fathers with slumped shoulders interviewed to fan public outrage against this barbaric act? No.

Did anyone ask the TTP for qisas for the families of the 15 victims? No.

Were there any TV anchors frothing at the mouth, dishing out sermons dripping with moral outrage calling people to stand up against the effrontery of TTP? No, the debate on TV was about memogate and contempt of court notices dished out to PPP leadership. We sure have our priorities right.

Why bother, when there is no financial compensation to be had, where no effigy-burning rallies can be organized for political gains, and no other nation is to be blamed. It is known that some animals are more equal than others in the animal farm called Pakistan, but what is now being learned is that some animals are more equal in death as well.

First published in The Express Tribune, this is the unedited version.

Why fantastical will always win against rational in Pakistan

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:12:00 +0000

With Salmaan Taseer’s first death anniversary approaching, people started talking about that incident again and one of the strangest stories, validating the murder, came from a LUMS graduate (I, of course, do not mean to shame other LUMS graduates, I am just genuinely astounded at the limitations of formal education).

So this guy I know, an acquaintance, said that his friend’s friend – a lawyer and someone he never met – went to see Mumtaz Qadri – the Salmaan Taseer murderer – in his cell to offer his services as a lawyer. According to the lawyer dude, Mumtaz Qadri met him with great humility but refused his services because a big name lawyer had already offered his services which Qadri had accepted earlier. Though heartbroken to not represent Qadri, the lawyer ended up having a cup of tea with the man in the cell. The lawyer was suitably impressed with Qadri and reported that his cell smelled of rose petals and agar battis (Incense sticks). When asked where he gets the rose petals and agar battis from, Qadri said that he does not have either agar batti or rose petals; the smell follows him around wherever he goes because he is blessed by Allah for killing Salmaan Taseer. My acquaintance and his lawyer friend were both convinced afterwards that Qadri was indeed the chosen one and he had done a great service to mankind by killing the former governor of Punjab.

My acquaintance is a graduate of what is now considered to be the best university in Pakistan and works for a telecom company, yet he chose to believe a half baked story when he heard one from a not so reliable source with absolutely no justifiable evidence. When I asked the telecom guy if his lawyer friend had actually checked the cell for any hidden agar battis and rose petals or checked with the guards if the room has been recently swept and the smell of flowers and incense stick lingered on or if there was any smell to begin with, I was given this incredulous look and he said that I will never get it because my faith is not strong enough. I did not say much afterwards because I literally get sick when people take no time in jumping to judge me for my weak or nonexistent faith.

Not just this educated guy who is considered smart by all accounts, but the lawyer, who is supposed to view everything with skepticism, chose to not only believe a murderer, but also perpetuated the myth of Qadri being connected to a higher power with incense sticks, probably embellishing the story to make it even more fantastical to support his argument.

Is there ever any hope of winning an argument based on logic, rationality and clarity of thought in Pakistan? I think not. It was Ayn Rand (no, I am not a neo liberal fangirl of Ms. Rand) who said that when opposite principles are clearly and openly defined, it works to the advantage of the rational side; when they are not clearly defined, but are hidden or evaded, it works to the advantage of the irrational side. If the same logic is applied to the conflict between the secularists/humanists and religious bigots/mindless followers in Pakistan, then the irrational side will triumph. Basically, we are in a race to become more irrational and obnoxious to win the argument and those who can be more irrational, fantastical and obnoxious are clearly in the lead.

Here is to fun times ahead.

Dr Babar Awan - What's not to like?

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 08:14:00 +0000

The twittervesre is outraged at Dr Babar Awan, not because he had one of his usual bouts of tweeting with caps lock on, but because he was awarded the post of Vice President of Pakistan People’s Party. I can’t understand the animosity his appointment has garnered. Not only is he an educated man, he is also an astute lawyer, a good orator, a TV presenter par excellence, a writer and man who speaks the language of our masters (no silly, everyone speaks English, he is fluent in Arabic). Seriously; what’s not to like?

One can be a little perturbed at this development because how can a political party have a vice president when it does not have a president – Bilawal Bhutto Zardari and Daddy Zardari share the chairmanship of the party – but this much anger on an appointment is a little misplaced.

The appointment of the good doctor is quite befitting; after all, who else could have matched his towering personality and his innumerable accomplishments. The cynics think that party has other stalwarts who could have been better suited for the job, but no one comes even close. Named after the Mughal king, Zaheer-ud-din Babar, the new Vice President is a man amongst men. Aitezaz Ahsan and Sherry Rehman may have written an odd book or two about Indus River and Kashmiri shawls, but the esteemed barrister has authored several books. It is besides the point that no one seems to know the titles of the books and what those books are about. Unfortunately, a hurried Google search about his penmanship yielded no conclusive results.

Rehman Malik may have been awarded an honorary doctorate degree from Karachi University, but Dr Babar Awan is heads and shoulders above his fellow party man. He does not wait for local universities to confer doctorates upon him; he invents a university as delicately named as Monticello – which perhaps reminds one of a high end spaghetti sauce or Thomas Jefferson – and bestow a doctorate upon himself.

Dr Babar Awan is also not a serial party hopper like some other dudes whose final destination seems to be PTI these days. He only jumped the ship once and has been with Pakistan People’s Party since 1990s. Wikipedia reports that his brother is part of a Mutahidda Qaumi Movement in Punjab but that is only to spread brotherhood and good cheer. I don’t see him joining Altaf Bhai any time soon.

Not just politicians, Dr Babar Awan can give TV personalities like Amir Liaquat and Sahir Lodhi a run for money. Unlike Amir Liaquat who carries the show on the basis of sheer verbosity and Sahir Lodhi who only moonlights as a religious presenter in Ramazan and is known more for his dance moves and questionable wardrobe, Dr Awan is a genuine bona fide religious scholar who used to present a show on religious laws on a local tv channel. The ratings of his show were however not available to be compared with the other two gentlemen.

What the naysayers do not get is that vice president ship of a party is a very significant post and cannot be given to just anyone. The reason this important post was given to Dr Babar Awan is that if there ever was a declamation or an oration contest between vice chairmen and presidents of Pakistani political parties, Pakistan people’s party would not want to lose it to its erstwhile member and the new, asli tay vada and very senior vice chairman of Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf.

A slightly edited version was first published in The Express Tribune

Pedaling obscurantism

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:58:00 +0000

In Shahzeb Khanzada’s program on Express News Imran Khan, in response to a question raised by a young woman, said that if his party forms the government, they will not dictate how women should dress up. When I saw that I was quite pleasantly surprised because back in 1990s when Imran Khan discovered religion, his first op-ed for The News/Jang was on the importance of “Chador and Chardeewari.” He was all about how important pardah and the four walls of the house are for a woman and praised women who chose to stay at home to raise their children, away from the eyes of others. Now that Imran Khan refused to concern himself with women’s clothing options, I thought he is finally maturing into a politician who cannot be bothered with the non issues.

But somebody was not happy with this development and that somebody was Ansar Abbasi. In his column today, he questioned Imran’s pronouncement asking how a follower of Allama Iqbal and God fearing believer of faith can say something as outrageous as that: giving women option to choose what they want to wear! If God and his prophet have restricted women’s clothing to a certain standard then how a mard-e-momin like Imran Khan can question that restriction. If Ansar Abbasi is to be believed that the code of an Islamic welfare state is hidden in a woman's blouse.

Ansar Abbasi questions if the change Imran Khan talks about is Ata Turk and Musharraf inspired or a true Islamic change and wants Imran Khan to explain his stance on women’s clothing. In a country where half the population is malnourished and 70% do not have access to clean drinking water and sanitation where law and order is in a shambles, our very senior reporter/defender of faith is worried about the length and breadth of the dupatta of our ladies.

Ansar Abbasi was so perturbed by this new aspect of Imran Khan’s personality that he went up to him on Sunday and said that enlightened people like Veena Malik would be very happy with this new Imran Khan. According to Ansar Abbasi, Imran Khan responded that people like Veena cannot do much in Pakistan and the country will never have any law against Quran and Sunnah.

When I read this piece, I wanted to die – literally die. Forget the obscurantist rant, I cannot get over the fact that the chief investigative reporter of an English daily does not know what the word enlightened means and uses it in context with actresses known for their risqué wardrobe! People like Voltaire, Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Spinoza must be turning in their graves with such liberal use of the term “enlightened.” If I am not wrong, Pakistan perhaps is the only country in the world where being enlightened is considered a stigma and a matter of disgrace. Not that I expect much from Imran Khan, but if people like Ansar Abbasi keep peddling the pedantic agenda, we cannot even hope for gradual maturity that comes with being part of the mainstream politics.

Here is to staying in the darkness.

Those who can read Urdu should check out this gem

PS: Some of my readers have pointed out that I should've have used the word peddling in the headline rather than pedaling. The use is intentional, people like Ansar Abbasi do not peddle and try to sell their ideas, they want brute force to be used to spread their version of correctness, hence the word pedaling. Thanks a lot for reading it and pondering over it. I am humbled (which is not really an easy).

Making fun of North Korea

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 08:14:00 +0000

With Kim Jong-il’s death, it was but expected that the western media and its consumers would jump into mocking everything about North Korea and its dead president. Twitterverse (with its fake twitter profile of Kim Jong-un), Tumblrs and Facebook pages are inundated with links poking fun at the backwardness, insularity and stupidity of North Koreans. Media savvy, English-speaking, hip Pakistanis are taking part in this mock-fest wholeheartedly. This is most fascinating because Pakistan, perhaps, is more like North Korea than most other countries.

North Korea is usually dubbed as one of the poorest countries in the world. Pakistan may not be one of the poorest countries — yet — but it sure is on its way to becoming one with a paltry two per cent growth rate (which in any case is undermined by the high population growth rate), soaring inflation, unprecedented unemployment and never-ending energy crisis.

North Korea is dubbed by mainstream western media as an anachronistic nuclear country whose population lives in abject poverty and where political dissenters are sent to die in concentration camps. We, too, are a country where women are buried alive in the name of tradition; millions do not have access to either clean drinking water or sanitation; and the lesser is said about the bonded labour tilling the land, the better.

If North Korea is the most isolated nation in the world, we, too, are pariahs of sorts. Getting anywhere with our green passport is an ordeal. We have had sanctions levied on us on counts of aiding and abetting terrorism to child labour and what not. If the US has used trade sanctions as leverage to get North Korea to abandon its nuclear weapons programme, we have been meted out the same treatment back in 1998 after conducting the nuclear tests.

We mocked the outpouring of grief — which may have been staged and must have appeared contrived to western eyes — but how can we forget how we behaved when one of our own leaders, Benazir Bhutto, died four years ago — with fist-thumping grief, tears, chaos, mayhem and bloodshed.

We scoffed at the leadership succession plan of North Korea, mocking a four-star general in his 20’s. But have we ever stopped to think that we have done something quite similar — made a barely adult teenager, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, who was not even a resident of the country, the chairman of the biggest political party of Pakistan.

The malaise of dynasty is not limited to the PPP alone. If Asfandyar Wali is a third generation ANP leader, then Mian Nawaz Sharif is preparing ground to bring in his daughter, Maryam Nawaz , to counter the threat of the PTI and help his party shed the old fuddy-duddy image. And Imran Khan is probably planning to challenge the Election Commission on the issue of the enforcement of the law barring dual nationality holders from contesting elections, to ensure that his progeny be able to do the requisite politicking when their time comes.

Heaping scorn on a malicious dead dictator is fine, but ridiculing an entire nation for their collective bad fortune is just in bad taste. I wish Pakistanis had shown a bigger heart and extended compassion to the North Koreans. After all, who else should have been able to empathise with them like us?

Originally published in The Express Tribune.

Social Seating! Somebody kill me already

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 19:52:00 +0000

Anyone who has had to travel with KLM repeatedly would agree with me on three counts. Firstly, their seats in the economy section are a little too close for comfort. Secondly, their crew wears a hideous blue uniform – your eyes actually hurt if you look at that colour for more than 1 minute and 34 seconds. Lastly, the crew is geriatric enough to make you feel guilty if you ask for a glass of water twice.

At one point on time, I used to travel to Netherlands pretty frequently, after traveling with them a few times, I decided to change airlines. It’s not like I get a direct flight (No western Airlines want to come to Pakistan) and if I have to change a plane at Doha or Dubai, I might as well fly an airline with better seats and in-flight entertainment program. I am sure there must have been so many other passengers who decided not to travel with KLM for the very same reasons – unless they are masochist who like cramped leg space or midgets – or both.

According to rumors, in order to win those and some other new – read desperate – passengers; KLM is introducing a new service called “Social Seating.” The Dutch airline is developing a service that will allow the travelers to find the most compatible person in the flight to share their journey with, based on their social media profile. What the fuck! I will now have to share my facebook and LinkedIn profile on the counter before I get my boarding pass!!!

Forget catching up on the movies that you have missed in your local cinema and are too lazy to download, forget reading that trashy novel that you wanted to get hold of but did not do so at home because you were too afraid of being judged by your sibling, husband or cook. Forget catching up on the lost sleep on that 7 hour long flight, you will be sitting next to the most compatible person on the plane who probably would want to chat with you about the existentialist angst in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road that you have listed as your favourite book on facebook. Never mind the fact that you probably clicked ‘like’ on it 4 years ago to impress a chick in grad school; social seating would not care for your intellectual pretense, it will punish you for it.

Being an anti social being, I couldn’t care less about social seating. Any airline that wants to win my business needs to provide me with two services and I would be their most loyal customer; more leg space (yes, tall people are obsessed with more leg space) and an assurance that I will never get to sit with parents who travel with crying babies and nosey toddlers they can’t control.

PS: Before anyone goes on to judge me for keeping my distance from messy toddlers, they must read this horror story from hell.

Quote of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 06:12:00 +0000

There was an impromptu get together last night for some live music and drinks. A few Europeans were also invited. One Nordic man was lost in contemplation after attending the event, when asked why so serious, he said:

I have been coming to Pakistan for quite some time now, I see all these men get together, drink and sing longingly about women and love; why don't they invite any women to such events?

PS: In case anyone is wondering, I was NOT there.

Wither professionalism?

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:45:00 +0000

I never really wanted to get into the whole Veena Malik debate on my blog, but something happened which made me realize that the issue is far greater than just one person and misogynist pricks are found everywhere; not just in Pakistan.

I was invited by BBC Asian Network to be part of a radio talk show on the why Veena Malik’s father has disinherited her on December 8^th. I agreed to be on the show because it gave me opportunity to be on air with Veena Malik, who I find fascinating at so many levels.

The program started with the host Nihal (he is this really slow presenter who puts his listeners to sleep, I wonder why BBC hired him in the first place but I digress)asking Veena Malik how does she feel about being disinherited. She gave an appropriate response about getting her father to see her point of view eventually. He then took a caller, an army officer called Malik from Islamabad, who first refused to say salam (Muslim greetings) to Veena Malik because he thought of her as a vile disgusting creature who has insulted the her country (Pakistan) and her religion (Islam). He then went on to threaten Veena Malik (well indirectly of course) of dire consequences when she comes back. He also said that if his own daughter would have done something like this, he would have given it to her. This guy was given ample opportunity to engage with Veena Malik and they argued back and forth. As if that was not enough, he was allowed by the presenter to repeatedly insult the guest of the show, something I never expected on a BBC show.

Another female guest was allowed to ask Ms. Malik if she was a Muslim. When she said that yes, she is a Muslim and her religiosity is a private matter between her and her Allah, the caller was also allowed to mock Veena Malik.

In response to Veena Malik’s argument that she is part of entertainment industry and she will continue to do bold shoots to stay in the business, Presenter Nihal asked her a very pointed and leading question. He asked if Veena Malik is a Muslim and if she is asked to select between her religion and entertainment industry, what will she choose?

Now it was a very inappropriate question to ask in normal circumstances, but considering what has happened earlier this year –Salmaan Taseer’s murder – this kind of insensitivity was mind boggling and unprofessional. When the presenter turned to me to seek my opinion on Veena; I decided to point out his super unprofessional attitude and how his leading question can jeopardize his guest’s life. It was against journalism ethics 101 to put someone on spot and ask them to testify about their religiosity in hypothetical situations. Instead of responding to my objection in an adult and rational manner, Presenter Nihal took it as a personal offence and said something to the effect that he was right in raising that question as her Veena’s dad has already disinherited her. Before I could’ve responded to it, he cut me off and went to another person.

For starters,Veena’s dad disinheriting her does not give the present any right to mock and insult his guest in a manner that can put her life in danger. Secondly, his tone was accusatory when he was speaking with his guest and it was all good, but when a caller presented him with a genuine grievance, he cuts her off. That was real mature of him. Lastly, if he had allowed me to speak, I would have said that there should be some difference between him – a BBC presenter with a first world education – and Veena’s dad who, if I recall correctly, is a retired non commissioned officer in Pakistan army. Veena’s dad’s comments could be waived as something which is said in the heat of moment, but the comments of a supposedly responsible journalist who makes his living by talking to people and about people cannot be ignored that lightly.

Dear BBC,

I know it was a programme targeted towards the Asian Diaspora in UK and is not for your mainstream audience, but please, make an effort, and hire someone who is at least professional and courteous if not more.

Sincerely,

Tazeen

PS: If you want to listen to it, you can do so for five more days here

So this is how they are spending the Kerry-Lugar Money

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:25:00 +0000

Every pole on the Constitution Avenue is sporting this banner announcing a conference by Competition Commission of Pakistan (weirdest government body name ever ). I have a message for whosoever is at the helm of affairs at this competition commission: If you had so much money to burn, you should have done something else, like take a ride in a hot air balloon. You do not announce a conference on every nook and cranny of the city as if it is a fair with clowns and a big fat Ferris wheel, it is in extremely bad taste.

PS: The USAID should take the tagline “From the American People” off as soon as they can; I have a feeling that American people will not to be too happy donating money for useless banners in a country where most people can’t read.

Anyone protesting outside the GHQ?

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:18:00 +0000

Sometime last week one of my former students asked me to help her with a protest in front of US Consulate in Karachi against the latest NATO attack on Pakistani soil killing 24 soldiers. Now don’t get me wrong, I am as fond of protesting against the injustices as the next person, but I have serious questions about the whole brouhaha that surrounds the latest development.

For starters, NATO has been violating our borders for quite some time now and quite a huge number of Pakistani citizens have died but no one barring the leadership of Jamat-e-Islami and Tehrik-e-Insaaf uttered a single word against those deaths. The victims of drone attacks were called collateral damage. Pakistan army’s silence was especially baffling considering it is their responsibility to defend the borders and its citizens, but ISPR never issued any statement over the serious death toll that occurred due to drone attacks – even when a baraat (wedding procession) was attacked. If the wikileaks’ released cables are to be believed (and there is no reason we should not believe them), it is evident that instead of protesting against the drone attacks, the army actually requested the US government for greater drone back up to support their own military operations on the ground. What I find most surprising is that such duplicitous policy of the armed forces did not result in country wide protests against them. Apart from the five usual suspects who decry military’s role in country’s foreign and domestic policy, no one took much notice of it. If inviting another military to attack your own soil without disclosing it is not the betrayal of highest order and a seditious act, then what is?

I am just as saddened by the deaths of 24 army men as anyone who has respect for human life, but the lives that we have lost in Pakistan as the result of the same military’s tacit acceptance of drone attacks by another country and its oppression in Baluchistan demand the same empathy and compassion, if not more. I hardly see it anywhere.

Instead of protesting in front of US embassy (chances are that we will be stopped from doing so by our own law enforcement agencies) we need to indulge in a little introspection and ask the following questions:

- What provoked this attack? According to reports, cross border skirmishes and exchange of rocket fire between Pakistani and NATO forces in not something new. According to NYT report, there have been 55 ground-to-ground rockets fired between Pakistan and NATO forces.

- What was Pakistan air force doing? The attack apparently went on for an hour. They were nowhere to defend our borders. What’s the point of spending a bulk of the tax payers’ and foreign aid money on the armed forces when they cannot quickly come to defense of the troops under attack by the foreign forces?

I am horrified at the US nonchalance and the super cavalier response from their government – it took President Obama a good three days to offer condolence and express regret at the loss of 24 lives – but I do not see any point in protesting in front of the US consulate. I would, however, love to stand with those who want to protest in front of GHQ, taking them to task for their repeated incompetence and many treacherous acts.

PS: How can anyone take these protests seriously when Jamaat-ud-dawa activists dupe children into participating in anti-US rallies by conning their parents into believing that they would be attending a science fair?

The capacity to love ‘the other’

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:49:00 +0000

I heard the word Xenophobia for the first time when I attended my International Relations 101 class. My high school existence was pretty idyllic where acing Calculus was my biggest challenge. I had no idea that there existed a world where anyone can fear or hate the other for being just that – ‘the other’ – someone who looked different, spoke a different language or believed in a different God.

We Pakistanis hate ‘the other’ with unmitigated gusto. The capacity to hate ‘the other’ is not exclusive to us; there will always be some people everywhere who are more bigoted and dislike ‘the other’. What makes our hatred of ‘the other’ unique is that it has a constitutional sanction in shape of the Blasphemy laws and Article 295 and we feed that hatred through curricula demonizing ‘the other’. These laws and others have created an atmosphere of violence and vigilantism that not only shatters the very fabric of society; it makes the whole country insecure – for everyone – the persecutors, the persecuted and everyone in between, but more so for the religious minorities, women and those who raise voice against that vigilantism.

As a person who is interested in minority rights, I have been following up on all the terrible things that go on in the name of vigilantism but it was all kinda abstract for me before I met Bee through a mutual friend. Bee is a smart, educated young woman from a well off family who looked fairly satisfied with her life. When I started cribbing about my lack of decent employment (for me anything that pays me less than a gazillion rupees is pure unadulterated crap which basically means all the things I have ever done), she too mentioned that she would like to do something more dynamic and challenging but she cannot leave her job. When I asked why, she told me that being an Ahmadi, she is afraid that she will be judged and/or hounded for her faith. She feels safe in her current employment because it has a relatively liberal and multicultural environment – something which is generally lacking in Pakistan. As someone who has resigned from a well paid job in protest because a colleague refused to furnish a written apology for bad behavior or because I did not feel like waking up at the crack of the dawn, I was deeply saddened to know that one could be forced to stick with a dead end boring job because the alternative could be harassment or persecution.

I may sound like an idealist (Which I most certainly am NOT) but I strongly believe that the key to overcoming the hatred is to start being friends with at least one of ‘the others’. Once you get to know one ‘other’, chances are that you would not jump too quickly to judge and persecute the rest of ‘the others’.

I want to salute everyone who goes out of his/her way to include ‘the other’, to make friends with ‘the other’, to extend a helping hand to ‘the other’ and to fall in love with ‘the other’. They certainly make this world a better place. On a personal note, I mourned the deaths of Shahbaz Bhatti and Salmaan Taseer this year and learned about the fear that Bee has to face every day, but I also learned that people can come together in most incredible ways. I cherished the unions of the friends who dared to love ‘the other’ – a Greek friend from college married an Arab, another English class mate married a Bangladeshi, a Pakistani friend married a German and another Pakistani American virtual friend married a half Japanese half American and is now expecting a baby who is ¼ Japanese, ¼ American and ½ Pakistani. Three of my friends opened their hearts and homes and adopted babies from other countries. Anyone who has ever adopted a child would know how lengthy and at times heart breakingly tedious the process of International adoption is, but they persisted and they persisted because they had the capacity to love ‘the other’.

For once in my life, I want to be an optimist and believe that if my beautiful, wonderful and amazingly awesome friends can overcome the fear of ‘the other’ and grow to love ‘the other’ as partners, lovers, friends and children, the rest of the world can follow suit.

Thanks to my most amazing parents and my fantastic friends who taught me about compassion and understanding, I too have learned how to appreciate, respect, cherish and love ‘the other’, irrespective of the differences, at times perhaps because of those very differences. Here is to the human capacity to love ‘the other’.

Steve Jobs is Dajjal!

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 08:46:00 +0000

You know what is the easiest thing to do in Pakistan; coming up with a conspiracy theory. Therefore, everything from Polio vaccine to iodized salt is an American ploy to make our future generations infertile, and floods and other natural disasters are caused by Zionists/freemasons/Satanist or Xenu worshipers to cause grief to the great nation of Pakistan.

Last week, an email was circulated on Press Pakistan’s google group that has paled all the other conspiracy theories into shame. According to this gem, Apple – the brand represents the apple that lead to the exile of Adam & Eve from heaven and Steve Jobs is the Dajjal who is not dead and is making iPhone 10 in Bermuda Triangle.

If this is satire, it is hilarious but if it was written as a credible/possible theory, then the person should be locked in a padded room - pronto - and the key should be thrown away for good.

I am not translating it because it should be read in Urdu – in all its glory to retain the absurdity.

Three cheers to The Arrivals-esque generation.

Reminiscing about the good ol' times and doing more

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 11:07:00 +0000

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reiterated the old message of doing more while meeting the Pakistani state officials here on Friday. In addition to 'doing more' she wanted Pakistan to 'squeeze the Haqqani network' from the border areas. As if 'doing more' was not an odd request to begin with, she now wants the jarnail to get serious and get rid of the network - pigs might fly sooner. Rumour has it that Jarnail's monetary supply has been restored and now he is in a quandary as to how best play both sides and develop a few more DHAs.

In another news, Hina Rabbani Khar is found wondering why her charms are not working on Secretary Clinton like they did on Mr. S.M.Krishna even though she wore the same strings of pearls.

HRK is feeling a little intimidated while Secretary Clinton is reminiscing about good ol' times

... and here are those good ol' times.

Moenjodaro for DHA?

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 06:55:00 +0000

The bad news of the day – and we get plenty of bad news everyday here in Pakistan – is that we do not have enough funds to preserve Moenjodaro. Super sad news, I know. When I read this one out loud, there was a collective awwww in the office. Everyone sighed and shared their own Moenjodaro story. Apparently, the rising water table and salt levels in the soil are threatening the 5000 year old ruins. Sind government allocates a paltry 100 million rupees and funds coming in from UNESCO have proved to be insufficient in attracting the best minds in archeology to save the world heritage site.

A conference on preservation of Moenjodaro in Karachi urged to create a global fund and a pool of competent conservation research experts to explore the challenge at hand and to devise a custom-made solution that will work.

I am no expert and all I know about archeology was gleaned from Indiana Jones and The Mummy films but I too have a suggestion. I suggest that Moenjodaro be placed with the local DHA. Even when the whole country is going to the dogs, there is always enough money to be invested in developing new DHAs and golf courses and clubs that go with it. If we declare Moenjodaro the latest DHA, there will be new roads, better access to amenities of life, a golf course and a club in the area and all those foreign experts, who may have shied away from coming to the dusty environs of Larkana for the lack of a night life, may be persuaded to relocate and help preserve the ancient site.

What say people, Moenjodaro for the latest DHA?

Our parliamentarians and other animals

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 07:27:00 +0000

The first time I noticed Abid Sher Ali was when he made Farrah Dogar the most famous/notorious high schooler in Pakistan. As the chair of National Assembly’s standing committee on education, he went anal about her being awarded a few extra points in her high school marks sheet and provided fodder to reams of newsprints and hours of “analysis” on television about state of education, corruption of judiciary and abuse of power. He even went after the employees of FBISE for accommodating CJ Dogar’s request. Now I am all in favour of meritocracy and rule of law but my heart went out for the 18 year old girl who was made a laughing stock on national and satellite tv for point scoring with her father, former CJ of Supreme Court of Pakistan. I also was kinda pissed about selective amnesia plaguing Mr. Abid Sher Ali when he forgot about Ms. Mariam Nawaz (D/o of former almost Ameer-ul-Momineen janab Baray Mian Sahab) being awarded extra points to get in medical college.

Apart from vowing to take Justice Dogar to cleaners repeatedly, Mr Abid Sher Ali – a thorough gentleman – also has a penchant for getting loud and obnoxious with ladies of other political parties. His emotional outbursts against Speaker Fehmida Mirza and Ms. Sharmila Farooqui are well documented. But everything that has happened in the past was actually leading up to this moment of perfect mayhem when he wanted to get physical in the hallowed environs of the parliament with another parliamentarian. He first wanted to punch and then tried to throw a bunch of parliamentary directories at an MQM legislator Mr. Sajid Ahmed; unfortunately, another PML-N MNA intervened and stopped him.

Peace and sobriety are indeed much desired traits but I so wanted him to throw some kick ass punches at MQM’s Sajid Ahmed for disrupting the tirade of Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan. Imagine how MQM would have reacted if it actually happened? They probably would have sued Mr. Sher Ali for every imaginable grievance and more. Imagine the number of hours of tv debate it would have generated! Imagine how many experts on constitutional decorum would have sprung! Regrettably, he was stopped from taking the parliamentary proceedings to the next level and we are stuck with making fun of “Dr.” Rehman Malik and his apple/banana jokes which are kinda stale now.

Here is our esteemed parliamentarian Mr. Abid Sher Ali in all his violent glory; may he get even more inventive with insults and go from strength to strength.

PS: The title is borrowed from Gerald Durrell’s autobiography My Family And Other Animals. No disrespect is intended towards either Gerald Durrell’s family or the animals they have housed.

PPS: Here is an awesome montage of the glorious moments by Dunya Tv.

PPPS: I know this post is about Abid Sher Ali and I should have pasted his photo but who can resist a beaming Dr Rehman Malik in academic robes and rosy cheeks.

And the propaganda lives on

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 11:56:00 +0000

Who said propaganda died with Dr Goebbels?

This is one picture that is doing rounds on social networking websites these days. The premise of the photograph is that Mian Nawaz Shareef is meeting Dengue victims with a mask on his face while Imran Khan – the sher jawan of Pakistan (at 59 with wrinkles to match those on Mick Jagger’s face, he is anything but sher jawan) is this fearless man who is meeting common people without security or either the armoured guards or a mask.

Now we all know that Mian sahib is not the most awami leader in Pakistan but then we are all in the know that Khan Sahib too does not suffer aam janta or dissenting voice all that gladly. Looks like Pujnab will be the fiercest battle ground in next elections. The establishment’s PR machinery is hard at work in establishing Imran Khan as the messiah who will deliver; no one seems to care as to what will be delivered by the erstwhile Kaptaan at this point in time.

All you wanted to know about General Kiyani's cigarettes but were afraid to ask

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 07:49:00 +0000

Because I am slightly odd, I have friends who also veer in the same direction and the conversations we have are also of not you garden or average variety. Last night AB and I were having a random chat session and she came up with a couple of peculiar questions (mind you, we were already done with the mandatory bitch fest about a lady who was simultaneously flirting the pants off a couple of elderly gentlemen). I attributed the strangeness of her questions to the fact that she grew up in Rawalpindi and the fascination with GHQ is but natural.

Here is an excerpt.

AB: Yaar ek baat tau batao? Did General Zia-ul-Haq use desi khizab (cheap local hair dye), Kala Kola (the only brand of hair dye available in Pakistan back in 1980s in black and brown) or some other fancy shmanzy hair dye that Mrs. Zia must have picked up for her husband’s wispy follicles? (Yes, my friends and I are totally obsessive compulsive over bad hair dye jobs of generals long gone.)

Tazeen: (After much contemplation and deliberation) I think Gen. Zia must have used Beijing hair colour; after all he had to put in his weight behind the whole Pak China friendship.

AB: OK, and what brand of cigarettes does General Kiyani smoke?

Tazeen: Why do you want to know about Kiyani’s ciggis?

AB: Yaar another friend mentioned that he rolls his own cigarettes?

Tazeen: Come on, you can’t expect a general sahib to do anything himself. I think he smokes K2, akhir inki shan bhi tau Paharon jaisee hai.

PS: Because I generally whine a lot about Pindi, I dedicate this post to AB, Shahid Saeed and Shoaib Akhtar, the saving grace of the city of Rawalpindi.

PPS: While the whole world was busy discussing APC, we were discussing Kiyani’s ciggies and hair dyes, being born and spending your childhood – not to mention most of your adult life – under military rule does that to you.

Imran Khan’s spiritual experiences and my nani’s psychic abilities

noreply@blogger.com (Tazeen) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 19:22:00 +0000

Though I have no intention of either buying or reading Imran Khan’s book “Pakistan – A personal History” the translated excerpts published in the Sunday Magzine of Daily Express are pure gold and a highly recommended read (could not find the link despite looking – their website is a nightmare btw). Among other godlike protestations of greatness from the book, Express carried a boxed piece titled “Roohani Tajurbat” which details Imran Khan’s spiritual experiences.

As Imran Khan was uber awesome at everything, he was an early starter in spiritual experiences as well and has had his very first spiritual experience at age 14 – and no, I am not talking about that kind of experiences. Khan saab recalls that he was going through a period of doubt when his mother’s pirni paid them a visit. Imran Khan did not finish the requisite Nazra Quran lessons (every Muslim child must finish Quran at least once under the guidance of a quran teacher who can teach them how to recite Quran in Arabic. Although most Muslims can read and recite Quran, they cannot understand the language, but I digress)t. The pirini ji who has not even looked at Khan – she observed purdah with a 14 year old boy as well – told Khan’s mother that her child has not finished his nazra lessons. The pirni ji, who did not trust the 14 year old Khan enough to not observe purdah with him, told his mother that she should not worry about it. According to the aforementioned pirni ji, even though Khan was adept at lying to his parents at the ripe old age of 14 (he not only lied about finishing the recitation lessons of Quran, he even got the man of God - the Nazra teacher to lie on his behalf), he still is a “naik rooh” (pure soul) and will eventually turn out to be a great guy (if Pirni ji was that great a psychic, she should have known what a ‘legen – wait for it – dary’ play boy this naik rooh turned out to be, but I digress again).

This is not the only “spiritual” incident the excerpts in Express’ Sunday Magazine carried. Everyone he had met only predicted greatness and more greatness for the great Immy K. Let me reiterate that I have not read the book but if the excerpts are anything to go by, I wonder why any sane person would ever want to spend their hard earned money on narcissist ranting of a man who is probably sad and lonely.

My dear departed nani made similar predictions about me, but do I ever take them seriously – only when I am high on cough syrup. Do I plan to write them all in an autobiography, hell no. But then, I am an ordinary person who sadly has no illusions of grandeur, either about herself or her Nani’s psychic abilities.

As I could not find the link, I decided to take a picture of the said piece

Oh and before I sign off, let me just say this. Roohani tajurbat, my %&^(*@#*&!