I’m still slowly making my way through Bird by bird By Ann Lamott, trying to tap into some of her genius. Although I must admit that I LOVE LOVE LOVE her non-fiction and am not as thrilled by her fiction. I tried reading another one of her novels recently but her non-fiction? I when I read it, it’s like she is reading my mind!

I’m looking forward to reading week which is in less than a week. I am hoping t devote full days to writing.

I’m so close to being done that is frustrating how things have slowed down so much. It’s my own fault really. Biting off more than I can chew, not making time for writing but I’m hopeful. Only a few more weeks of class work and a few more months of thesis work (if all goes according to plan) and then I should have more time to get this book done.

2011 it’s the year of my book.

And here’s another beautiful video (which just also happens to be the video that sparked my own ugly conversation with my family).

It is also the first community I have ever belonged to but is often the first I want to walk away from. 

Family can be so ugly.

I often and usually disagree with my family (more specifically certain members) on MANY things. We disagree on politics, religions, money, drinking, gender and sex… pretty much all the good stuff. But for some reason I still try to keep these bounds active and alive; it’s beyond me why I try sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I am by no means the ideal family member either. I can be just as much of an ass as the best of them but my concern is why do I keep putting my heart back where I know it will just be stepped on again?

Because family can be so beautiful too.  

I have a photo of me and my middle brother from his 25th birthday. It is when we started to be friends and not just siblings. I keep this picture posted in my home because it reminds me of how great I think he is. This is just but one reminder of why I don’t walk away even when it hurts to be around.

There is and can still be beauty amongst the mess; I’m just not always able to see it.

Picture credit: my lovely partner

Confession.

I have a SERIOUS love of board games — BIG love. If I could name my top three things in life they would be… tea, books and board games (maybe not in that order).

This afternoon my partner and I spent a whole day just hanging out. We went to church, ate lunch, played board games and then took a snow trek. It was just nice. Our Oma and Opa (mine through marriage) use to play board games together almost every night of their lives. They were so beautifully in love and not just because they liked board games but more important they enjoyed spending time together.

I’ve heard marriage can be tough. I’ve only been married 2.5 years and I can’t imagine what the next thirty years will bring but I’ve decided board games will be  my secret weapon. Naive eh? If only life were that simple

I finished reading this morning / early afternoon in bed and lay there with this overwhelming sense of… emptiness? Some days my life seems so frivolous. Even right now as I am writing this at my kitchen table sipping tea I am in no rush to do anything. I have the privilege of time. I have the privilege of lamenting here on this blog.

I have concerns with how I spend my time.

Currently my time is mostly made up of things that directly benefit me. I am in school to improve my chances of getting a good job (I’d like to be able to say that I’m in school to better my skills but I think that might only partly true). I work two jobs, one to pay my tuition and the other in hopes it will turn into a full-time job when I graduate. Taking both these jobs was about me not about th people I would work with and maybe now that I’m in those positions I think about the people I work with it started with me.

What do I do that isn’t for me?

Sadly, right now nothing.

My partner asked me a few days ago about a situation that is happening in our lives, what is the cost to you? And while I still stand by my thoughts on that specific situation I have been reflecting on my current life choices in light of this question. I have made choices that may be mostly grounded in fear. Fear competing in an economic system that is always changing and advancing. I am afraid to be left behind.

Jussie, a new co-oper reminded me that I don’t want to make decisions out of fear.  

Tragedies like that which unfolded in Sierra Leone have happened countless times and I think if we unpack them at the heart we would find fear — and greed. If I unpack my life sadly I think I would also find fear and greed.

Now what? I’m not sure. All I do know is that I don’t want to continue to make choices out of fear or to think only of me. I want to be truly engaged in not only my direct community but my larger global community. I still have many questions of what that looks like but I’m just glad to be restarting that conversation because I’ve been in similar reflective places before only to fall back to my usual ways. I want this time to be different.

We, who have so much, must do more to help those in need. And most of all,

we must live simply, so that others may simply live.
– Ed Begley, Jr.

We knew that though, right?

I don’t think we do because if we truly realized the power of individual action I believe each of us would live very differently – I know I would.  If we thought each word expressed or action taken by us held the ability to actually create a real difference in the lives of those around us I think we’d all be much more deliberate and intentional.

Back to this radio discussion (as filtered through my partner and now me), they argued that if a friend runs you are more likely to run. If they are overweight it normalizes being overweight and you too may be overweight. I can verify the running bit, you can make up your own mind on the overweight bit. Two years ago I did not run but after friends (Cait and Matt) started running slowly more people in my social circle started running, it was like a disease and now I have many running buddies. Cait and Matt’s decision to start running (or to start training for a specific run) put into motion my own desire to run.

If they hadn’t run would I have started on my own? Or would I have waited for someone else to inspire me?

It is this question of waiting that worries me. Are we all just waiting for someone else to start something before joining in? Today I think of Martin Luther King Jr and am thankful that he didn’t wait for someone else. Now I don’t want to have the chicken and the egg conversation about how Martin Luther King Jr became involved as a leader of the civil rights movement BUT I do want to recognize that he knew that his actions could and would encourage others to join in. He dedicated his life to the pursuit of justice.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere   

                                                                                       Martin Luther King Jr.

What scares me is if, like the running example, individuals can influence a community for the better than with the same breath can we also influence them for the worse. I think of homophobic slurs and how easily they can infiltrate a conversation. Or how easily a conversation can turn from venting to slander without anyone even noticing. We can be really mean to each other without even recognizing how this energy we output affects those around us. I can clearly remember an incident in which I participated in the mindless ridiculing of another person in my social circle. After I walked away and realized that it easily could be me who was the next unknowing person to be dragged thoughtlessly through the mud.

I want to and am going to try to live recognizing that individual action is enough to start a movement and to create real change. I will live with the knowledge that how you live affects me but also that how I live affects you. This may seem simple enough but I can see in my daily life that I don’t live this out. I can think of dozens of seemingly insignificant ways that I choose to live that negatively impacts others.  I’m going to start by not talking ill about others behind their backs and not participating in conversations that start to sway that way.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.

                                                                                         Margaret Mead          

So let us remember each other in the small, daily things in life because they are important. Let us be kind to one another because you know that what you do affects me and what I do affects you. The beginning of change can begin with a simple smile or a shifted thought but it cannot happen unless individually we agree to take the first step.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that

Martin Luther King Jr

I enjoy tea but this morning my cup got pushy. It demanded that I reflect on my life and evaluate what I am striving for. That’s a lot to ask of a person first thing in the morning.  

You must live for something higher, bigger and better than you

What am I living for? 

Tough question.

If you’re a social worker or in any type of helping professional you may have been told to use the silence in a session; in other words let there be silence and don’t be the first to break it always. Over my limited career I’ve gotten better at this and most of the time I’m not even that uncomfortable with it. Sometimes I even enjoy the silence because it allows my brain to catch up with where our conversation has gone.

But today on our run there would be a momentary gap in conversation and I would feel the need to fill it — with anything! Of course I didn’t notice this at the time but later in the shower I was thinking and trying to understand why I do this.

What makes me so uncomfortable with silence?

There are certain places, like at my job, that silence can be very comfortable for me. Here is a short list;

• watching a movie
• reading
• generally at the cottage
• going to bed
• writing an essay
• hammocking

I’m sure there’s more but that’s all I can think of. So while I have no idea why I’m so uncomfortable with silence in my life it is something I am going to work on in 2011. I want to learn to appreciate silence and not always having to fill space with my words. That’s not to say that I want all my social interactions to be silent or less full of conversation but instead that I want to give more space for others to talk and be okay with being less prone to verbal diarrhea.

A few weeks back at my childhood church, where a good friend of mine is the pastor, he spoke about taking time to remember, to be still and to meditate. I want to incorporate this more into my life.

Stillness, quietness, remembrance, and meditation.

… this is going to be hard for me.

My other post, incase you were wondering, was entitled ‘maybe I’m not’.