For the most part, we have envisioned reality based upon the themes that Sir Isaac Newton postulated back in the seventeenth century. Newton constructed a machine-like model of the world, which is comprised of separate and distinct objects, disconnected from one other, interacting only through cause and effect. This picture of reality, operating as a giant machine, shackles our lives like little else. The depiction is absent any scintilla of meaning or purpose, as we become the cogs in the machine, detached from one other and the universe at large. This image is also devoid of any sense of relatedness, as separation becomes the essence of the Newtonian worldview. This paradigm leaves us humans as strangers in a mechanical universe, whereby isolation is the primary motif. Epidemics of depression are the inevitable result of this scenario. From this filter we experience a vast array of struggle and malaise. Many of our ensuing challenges and conflicts can be derived from this misunderstanding of reality. Yet, there is now ample evidence to drastically reconsider how we look at the bigger picture.

A Quantum Revolution

In the early twentieth century, Albert Einstein and the celebrated Danish physicist Niels Bohr engaged in a debate that extended for many decades. Einstein had proposed a thought experiment – known as the EPR paradox – which became a hotly contested theoretical battleground between the two intellectual titans.

The thought experiment was concerned with the behavior of a pair of photons, (which are simply light particles). When the two particles are created at the same point and instant in space, they become entangled as a pair. Paired photons have opposing spins or rotations. If particle A, for example, spins in a clockwise rotation, particle B’s spin must be counterclockwise. What would happen if a great distance separated the particles – imagine half a universe – and the spin of particle A was altered to counterclockwise? Both men agreed that particle B would necessarily change its spin accordingly. But how long would that take to occur?

Einstein suggested that the time required for one photon to communicate with the other could be calculated in a deterministic way, based upon the distance of separation and the laws determining the speed of light. Bohr, on the other hand, boldly predicted that there would be no signal necessary from one photon to the other and, hence, no time would elapse before the spins respectively reversed. Astoundingly, he claimed that since both photons existed in an entangled state – regardless of how distant they were from each other – they were still essentially inseparable. In scientific parlance, this is known as non-locality. Bohr’s claim flew in the face of classical Newtonian physics, which mandates that time must elapse for distant objects to communicate. Bohr was proposing that in certain circumstances, an entanglement exists in which separation is merely an illusion. Reality, in this case, was inseparable.

The debate raged on for on decades. In the early 1960’s, Irish physicist John Bell developed what became known as Bell’s theorem, a formula that was designed to test the argument. Nearly twenty years later the technology was finally devised to test Bell’s theorem. Einstein lost! No signal was required to travel between the photons. Communication was instantaneous. Notwithstanding a great distance between them, the photons were entangled as though they were one, just as Bohr had postulated. This experiment has been retested countless times, always with the same result. As counterintuitive as it may seem, under certain conditions the universe appears as an undivided, inseparable whole.

Are Humans Entangled?

Shockingly, increasing evidence has arisen indicating that this phenomenon occurs in the larger macro realm – most likely affecting humans. The June 2011 cover article in Scientific American, entitled “Living in a Quantum World,” proposed that larger biological entities were amenable to entanglement, which had been witnessed in living organisms. Entanglement may even occur on a cellular level. The division between the quantum world and the macro world appears to be an artificial distinction. The phenomena of distance healing, remote viewing and telepathy all point toward human entanglement. On a more ethereal level, one might argue that falling in love evokes entanglement.

At this point you might wonder what this means to us. Quite a lot! It necessitates that the way we envision reality requires radical reconsideration, but just as importantly, it suggests that we need to drastically overhaul the way we think and how we envision ourselves. Such a mind-altering reality defies our commonsense approach to cause and effect, which of course mandates separation and causality. Our prevailing, yet outdated, beliefs confine us to a paradigm that induces isolation with the ensuing loss of meaning. This results in depression, violence, greed, inhumaneness, existential despair and ecological disaster, to name just a few. But we’ll get to that in just a bit.

Let’s consider the case of a pair of human twins as opposed to our photon pairing. She lives in New York City and he lives in Paris. One day, as she is getting out of bed, she walks toward the shower, slips and turns her ankle, breaking it in the process. Precisely at that moment, her twin brother in Paris feels an excruciating pain in exactly the same location on his leg. There is no signal sent from one to the other. They are each – at least momentarily – part of the same system, so to speak. They are as entangled as the photons. We tend to regard this as inexplicable, just one of those odd things.

We’ve all heard of these occurrences, yet we marginalize them and other examples of wholeness as simply being “weird.” We simply relegate the phenomenon to being strange. (How often have you heard someone incredulously declare in these situations, “That’s so weird!”) When we do that, we do ourselves a great disservice, as we disconnect from the transcendent experience. When something occurs that doesn’t fit into our operating belief system, we must reexamine our beliefs, not discard the experience. When we embrace the dissonance and confusion, we break new ground as old paradigms fall away and new worldviews emerge.

Such occurrences aren’t that strange. They seem to appear rarely – rather than routinely – because we don’t recognize them, due to the way our thinking tricks us into seeing separation where none really exists. This is why telepathic moments appear to occur as anomalous rather than more ordinarily. What we look for is what we see. The filter through which our mindscape sees is grossly impacted by our expectation of separation. We are trained to see separation, not connectivity. We see parts and fragments, not the whole. Our thoughts, rooted in Newton’s world of separation, tend to divide things into parts, rupturing the inexorable flow of the universe. Thought literally dissects and splits asunder the natural order of wholeness and movement. When this happens, we miss the big picture. That big picture – the emerging worldview – is unbroken wholeness.

Rupturing Wholeness

I caught a glimpse of this phenomenon of fragmentation while viewing CNN during the millennium celebration. For twenty-four hours, every country on the planet celebrated the dawn of a new millennium. As I watched, it occurred to me that for this span of one day, there were literally no divisions between countries, only one planet, turning in its rotation toward the birth of a new millennium. Furthermore, I considered that countries aren’t intrinsically real. We did, after all, make them up. When we view Earth from space, we don’t see a geopolitical map but, rather, something closer to the more natural topographical layout that we all inhabit. Our current political system of nations is simply a product of thought – thought rooted in separation.

To further the analogy, imagine yourself as a molecule of water in the ocean. You see your neighboring molecule as separate and distinct from you. The molecules, from their lack of perspective (we are granting them the capacity for consciousness here) miss the larger picture: they are all part of the same wave. They are distinct, yet interpenetrating – an indivisible part of the whole. The same applies to us. We are unique, yet seamless. Each molecule is individual but still an integral part of the wave, just as each individual grain of sand at the beach is enmeshed with other grains. We are all distinct, but we are all part of a flowing whole. This emerging paradigm refers to a participatory universe.  Everything informs everything else, which of course includes humans. As such, we fully participate in all that unfolds. Hence, life becomes profoundly meaningful and purposeful.

An Inseparable Whole

When we begin to see that way, we come to understand that doing harm to another is to do harm to yourself. To do violence to another would be as ludicrous as your left arm attacking your right arm due to a perceived difference and lack of appreciation that they are, in fact, part of the same body. We are all inextricably linked. To assist another, is to enhance your own wellbeing. In the emergent worldview, the distinction between other and self melts away.

What unfolds from this perspective is a de-emphasizing of individualistic competition and an ensuing shift toward cooperation. The cooperative spirit ultimately replaces the competitive spirit as we come to see that all things interpenetrate.

Cooperation or Competition

When we all work together as a whole, the productivity and congruence of our efforts are no longer fragmented, and the results can transcend linear expectations. Just imagine humans living and working with the same efficiency as an ant colony, which operates as an indivisible whole. Swarm theory proposes that while the intelligence of an individual ant isn’t noteworthy, the collective intelligence of the swarm is remarkable. The collective engages complexity far beyond the ability of the individual. As a group, the ant colony is super efficient. In fact, humans are adapting the intricacies of swarm theory to solve very complex challenges. Imagine what embracing this cooperative spirit could do for the human race if we engaged the complexity of our challenges – poverty, climate change, disease, warfare, resource scarcity – with an equivalent complexity of intelligence.

That said, excess of competition drives the individual at the cost of the collective. It is ego-driven and out of control. When all things come out of equilibrium, they lose balance and harmony. The world order today, with exception of fast-fading indigenous cultures, lies precariously at the edge of runaway competition (see the effects of globalization’s “race to the bottom.”) And with that, we are at the peril of its madness. It is wrecking our lives. The ever-widening income gap, the ruinous greed that sets up cataclysmic economic ruin, and the resulting despair and poverty of billions are due to the intense, individualistic, and competitive “every-man-for-himself” attitude, borne out of an antiquated and ruinous seventeenth century paradigm. On more personal levels, competitive excess is engendering an epidemic of loneliness and depression. The drive to succeed has simply overwhelmed the vital experience of relationship and community.

The further implications from the emerging worldview are unimaginably profound. War no longer makes sense, and depression and loneliness retreat as we come to value relationship as the cornerstone of our happiness. There is no greater and more fundamental shift that one could imagine than simply opening to the radical reality of inseparability.

Consider for a moment just how addictive our consumption is and how insane our polluting and poisoning of our planet, bodies and minds has become. We tragically continue to war upon and murder our kindred fellows. Our daily harm to one another and the planet in which we reside necessitates that we look at how our operating worldview informs our thinking. The emerging worldview of a seamless, interpenetrating, and participatory universe may very well heal this.

If we are able to align our worldview with the emerging sciences, which paint an entirely new fresco of the universe, the benefits will be innumerable. That said, the radical reality that science depicts is, indeed, remarkably spiritual. A participatory and inseparable universe provides not only meaning and purpose, but it also speaks to our integral role in the universe. In this regard, there is no longer a chasm between science and spirituality; they, too, are as one. In a connective reality, there is no sensible choice left but to connect.

“If each of us can learn to relate to each other more out of compassion, with a sense of connection to each other and a deep recognition of our common humanity, and more important, to teach this to our children, I believe that this can go a long way in reducing many of the conflicts and problems that we see today.” – The Dalai Lama

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An Epidemic of Depression

Our society is in the throes of a virtual epidemic of depression. The numbers are quite staggering. More than twenty percent of the American population will experience at least one episode of what we refer to as clinical depression. We need to look deeper into this phenomenon to understand it and overcome it. My contention is, firstly, that our cultural values and memes induce us to live in ways that are, indeed, depressing. Secondly, much of what we refer to as clinical depression is inaccurate. Most depression is situational. The symptoms of depression are often due to depressing circumstances, not disease. In other words, under certain circumstances, it makes sense to be depressed.

Have We Lost Our Way?

Many of us live dulled lives, somewhat robotic in nature and devoid of deeper meaning and purpose. Our lives, often become visionless and passionless. We live in an intensely competitive culture that rewards achievement and success. Our identity and esteem become reflections of these external markers of achievement. Our pursuit of happiness and well-being become terribly misdirected. The demands of our intensely and neurotically driven culture strain our emotional and psychological balance well beyond its comfortable balance. The cultural paradigm in which we live leaves us disconnected, disenchanted and isolated. When this occurs, we tend to honor and seek material acquisitions at the cost of devoting ourselves to intimate and loving relationships – with others and ourselves.

People that thrive in loving relationships don’t typically feel depressed. Depression is symptomatic of feeling isolated and cut off. In our drive to live the good life, we typically isolate ourselves from relationships that might nourish us. Intimate and loving relations have become somewhat marginalized and have lost value in our very hurried lives. Our frenetic pace of life sees one day blur into another, until life begins to lose its meaning. We don’t have time to nurture our loved ones or ourselves, and we lose our vision of a well-spent life. In fact, the problem is that we don’t know how to live well.

Are People Dysfunctional?

Our therapeutic community attaches labels such as dysfunctional to people and families. People are not dysfunctional; social systems are. People suffer and experience pain. We are human beings, not machines that dysfunction. Such terminology expresses contempt for the human spirit. A society that produces such staggering rates of depression is dysfunctional. Our culture has created this epidemic.

Part of the problem is that we become corralled into a consensus of belief that does not serve our higher purpose. The desire to fit in and conform induces us to lose our inner voice. We are products of a cultural belief system that ignores or devalues matters of the heart and then turns and points its accusatory finger at those who suffer. When we do so, we victimize the victim. If we began to look at the depression as symptomatic of living depressing lives, we’d begin to understand that the cure lies in addressing what our souls are longing for. When we suppress the voice of our soul, depression arises. Depression surfaces for a reason. The symptoms of depression are crying out for our attention. The epidemic of depression is simply indicative of lives lived errantly, without joy or purpose.

People who feel passion for their work and friends and love their families and partners don’t become depressed as often as the population at large. People who are in touch with their spirit and enjoy a sense of community don’t incline toward depression. People who maintain a sense of wonder and awe don’t become depressed. Depression isn’t the enemy. It’s simply a warning sign that we’re not on the right path. Our disconnection and folly pursuits of happiness may have much to do with this.

Before the advent of modern psychotherapy, and well before the pathologizing of the word “depression,” we would refer to such symptoms as melancholia. Life would bring certain periods and events in which one might feel some melancholy. Sadness is appropriate at times. When people experienced such sadness, friends and family may have supported them through the difficult times. But they weren’t told that there was something wrong with them. Loving support is the most powerful agent in the treatment of depression. When we lose our compassion and relegate depressed people to their diagnosis, we tend to dehumanize them.

Is Our Society Manufacturing Depressed People?

A dominant theme in our society is that you should be happy, and if you’re not, there’s something wrong with you. Life can be difficult at times. It is in the labeling of people as depressed that the greatest injustice is done. I’m not suggesting that there aren’t people who are indeed clinically depressed, but simply that the indiscriminate manner in which diagnoses are meted out to people without proper discrimination is grossly absurd.  When clinical diagnosis of depression is made in the astronomical numbers we witness in American culture, it speaks to something much larger: A society that has lost its way.

If we see depression as a signal that something is off, we might use the depression to catalyze positive change. Very often depression makes perfect sense. In my practice, I often treat individuals who are being abused, living in loveless relationships or suffering from loss. Depression in such instances seems quite appropriate. Rather than treat the depression, I prefer to assist these people in coming to terms with their life challenges.  It is essential to treat the person, not the depression. We must come to understand how the depressed person struggles contextually in their lives and to appreciate their particular struggles and challenges. We must, at all costs, refrain from reducing them to a clinical compilation of symptoms.

Situational Depression

In some instances, depression is situational. Loss of a loved one, illness or job loss creates circumstances that are painful. Working through the loss is more healing than medicating the pain. It is essential to address the underlying causes and not simply suppress the symptoms. The difficulty is that in our quick fix mentality, we believe that if we can suppress the symptoms then all is well. When we come to see depression not as the enemy but as an expression of struggle, the epidemic will likely subside as we come to honor the integrity of our human spirit. We do not ordinarily grow without engaging struggle. So the irony is that by medicating our symptoms with psychotropic medication, we ensure continued stagnation, for the struggle is never resolved toward a breakthrough; it is merely placated.

Gary Greenberg, in Manufacturing Depression, suggests that depression as a clinical disease may indeed be manufactured. He references best selling psychiatrist Peter Kramer’s assertion in Against Depression that “depression magically skyrocketed after the drug industry introduced SSRIs and that diagnostic criteria can’t distinguish between depression and grief.”

My thesis is, therefore, twofold: Much of what we call depression is a typical life struggle around loss, fear and grave situational issues that have become clinicalized for profit. Yet, there also lies a deeper despair that accompanies living an incoherent life, as a stranger in a strange land. What I am strongly asserting is that depression, and anxiety for that matter, are the most likely outcomes of living in and with the unmerciful and misguided constraints of a tired and destructive worldview. Our constructed reality is for many people depressive and anxiety inducing. Feeling as such ironically suggests that many depressed people are merely mirroring the affects of a somewhat incongruous, if not insane way of living, fostered by the society itself. In effect, the way that we are living is producing tragic results.

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I’ll be happy when… I fall in love.

I’ll be happy when… I get married.

I’ll be happy when… we can buy our dream house.

I’ll be happy when… we can furnish the house.

Still, the anticipated happiness is elusive so we tie it to more future events.

I’ll be happy when… we have children.

I’ll be happy when… the children are older.

I’ll be happy when… I can retire.

What’s happened here? Has an entire lifetime passed pursuing an illusion? Those events that we so dearly waited for do provide a temporary excitement, but too soon they retreat into the ordinary and we replace them with the next fantasy of happiness.

Happiness can only occur in the moment that you’re in and can only be sustained by developing a nurturing relationship with yourself and, hopefully, others. The ultimate source of happiness lies in the quality of your thoughts. Our thoughts are our most intimate relationship and will impact our lives far more than our relationships with others. In fact, our relations with others are, to an extent, but a reflection of the quality of our own thoughts.

What we seek “out there” is but the icing on the cake. Genuine and sustainable happiness is derived from a healthy and nurturing relationship with yourself. Nothing and no one can take that away from you. Devote your attention to your authentic well being and happiness will emerge.

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In effective communication, which incidentally is a very rare event, we need to first establish a shared meaning around the words, constructs and ideas that we are discussing and then further that meaning in a coherent flow of dialogue. Such a skill set enables relationships to thrive, businesses and organizations to be more productive and nations to create and sustain peace. What could possibly be more essential?

Shared Meaning

We take for granted that our words convey exactly what we intend them to. This is a particularly misinformed assumption. I have observed that upon deeper scrutiny, the words, let alone the concepts, tend not to be received in the way the messenger intends. By the time a few sentences have passed, we may have a totally missed communication. How often do we pause and considerately ask the other what they mean by the word or words they are using?

Although this problem is more glaring in confrontational discourse, it impacts amicable conversations as well. “You don’t know how to be intimate,” she exclaims. He retorts, “I don’t know how to be intimate? You’re so angry and cold who would ever want to be intimate with you?” In the following minutes this couple is off to the races, pushing buttons and hurling invective.

They are arguing around the word ‘intimate.’ Yet, no one has bothered to share or inquire what intimate suggests. She might be referring to emotional intimacy; he might be thinking of sexual intimacy. This is a common disconnect. Yet the problem runs deeper. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are fighting about whether he can or cannot be emotionally intimate. Have they ever discussed the concept of emotional intimacy and reached a shared meaning? This would be most unlikely.

How can we discuss or argue the virtues of something when we are speaking differing languages? When we seek to learn a new language, we must first understand what the word means when it is translated into our native language. That said the subtleties and nuances might still be different, so we need to come to appreciate these differences to communicate well. Yet, we don’t bother to discern those more subtle differences when we both speak the same language. We assume the words have the same meaning for each of us. They ordinarily don’t.

Coherent Communicating

Let’s move this couple into the art of coherent communicating. His more proper response to her accusation might be to inquire as to what she means by the word intimate. This would require that his button not be pushed in a reactive and defensive manner, and that he respond in a balanced and sensible way. After all, his partner is upset with him. Why not find out what is truly troubling her? If he doesn’t fully appreciate what she is feeling and trying to communicate, how can they ever move to resolve the emotional upset? So, in this instance, he might elect not to be right, not to prove her wrong, and try to comprehend what is stirring her upset. A more educated response might sound like, “Yikes, that feels hurtful. Please tell me what you mean by intimate and how you feel I’m failing you?” That response might actually foster a generative discussion instead of breaking down into yet another meaningless argument.

Of course, the problem lies with her as well as with him. He’d have to be very far along in his shared meaning and dialogue education to be able to reflectively inquire as to her meaning rather than simply react. To further the possibility of meaningful conversation, she might have begun with, “I’m really feeling sad and shut down that you don’t share your more private thoughts and feelings with me. I feel like we’re strangers just going through life together but not really connecting. Do you feel that same about me?” Imagine how differently that conversation might flow.

Language only represents thoughts, beliefs and experiences, and should not be taken as a literal or objective reality.  Words don’t mean the same thing to all of us. In fact, they ordinarily evoke differing connotations based upon each individual’s experiences.  We often end up in disagreements without clarifying what it is that we’re arguing about. Just consider the confusion around the word ‘love.’ One person says to the other, “I love you.” The other responds, “No you don’t.” Are they speaking of loving one another or being in love: Eros? Is anyone clarifying? Ordinarily we aren’t.

In the Greek language there are numerous words for love. The Greeks clearly appreciate the myriad nuances to this word. We need to take the time to illuminate and appreciate what the other truly means by the word. What sense does it make to argue about whether you are intimate or loving if we’re talking about two different things? We must look beyond the word – the label – and find shared meaning in our communications.

When we ask one another what the word or concept means, we are in fact being very intimate and respectful. Taking the time to inquire as to what the other is truly intending to communicate honors the exchange. Sharing meaning is a precursor to an intimate exchange and opens the doorway to genuine dialogue.

To be informed of Mel’s upcoming seminar on communication or to download the audio version of the talk, send us an email at Mel@melschwartz.com

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The man with whom I was working felt it essential that he always do his best. In his case, this inclined him to constantly measure himself as to whether he had acted at this optimal level. He confessed that very often he was stuck in analyzing the past, debating whether his words or behavior were the very best choice. When he wasn’t stuck in that groove, he was typically fretting over future decisions, concerned that they also might not be the very best choice. The nature of his inner voice was highly self-critical, addicted to measuring his actions.

Doing the best you can sets up a never-ending competition within one’s own psyche. Competition has its place in our culture, but can you imagine never getting a time out from competing? People with such tendencies incline toward being perfectionists, and perfectionists are rarely present, as they ruminate the past and worry about the future. (Read my post on The Problem with Perfection here.)

This man’s wife often complained about his not being emotionally available, and we can readily imagine the impact that his being wed to doing his best might have on his marriage. In fact, I’d argue his was more wed to this compulsion than to his wife.

I am not proposing that we shouldn’t selectively choose endeavors in which we really might try our hardest. Selectively doing your best makes sense. But proclaiming it as our mantra makes life look like a runaway competition. I believe that if we integrate the wish “I want to be present” alongside  “I want to do my best,” we’d begin to enjoy a more balanced life. And when we do choose to proclaim that we did our best, we should truly mean it.

What about Fun?

I have encountered so many people who feel that their performance overarches their enjoyment, particularly in sports. When I was a child, our engagement in athletics was primarily for recreational purposes. The goal was both athletic and fun.  Excelling at the sports wasn’t necessarily more important than enjoying the game.

Now, many people tell me that they won’t participate in a sport unless they can excel. When did performance become more valued than having fun? I play golf a few times a year with some good friends. I’m mediocre at best as a golfer, but I delight in the fun and the relief from everyday pressures that it offers. I couldn’t imagine enjoying the game if I had to be good at it. Why do we have to be good? Our cultural penchant for winning, excellence, and maximum performance drives us into a neurotic addiction to self-measurement.

I was recently having a conversation with a young man who was a seeded tennis player. After a while, I came to inquire about his interest in other sports. As we talked further it became very evident that he would only engage in activities in which he excelled. I asked him why that was so and he seemed taken aback by my question. It was nonsensical to him to play at a sport at which he wasn’t superlative. He protested, “What would be the point?” “To have fun,” I retorted. He stated that having fun at something wasn’t his goal; excelling was. I began to see his point. His priority was in excelling, not in enjoying himself.

The word “play” shouldn’t appear in front of the sport for him, as in “playing” tennis. He had to be the best. This activity had little to do with play. I began to consider that, as a culture, we might be losing our ability to play as we subordinate it to winning and excelling. How might that affect our well being?  The absence of play sounds rather depressing doesn’t it?

I have never been an accomplished athlete, but I have had immeasurable joy and treasured memories from the pure enjoyment of play. If while playing at a sport I was busily judging whether I were good enough to play, I’d never be present for the bliss of the experience. I have a treasure trove of cherished memories from playing baseball as a boy and young adult. My joy was derived from being in the process of play, trying to win, the camaraderie and spirited engagement with my teammates. We all want to do well, and most of us want to be the best – that’s quite natural. But to refuse to participate because you’re not top tier is quite sad.

I see our culture moving inexorably in this direction, and it screams to me in alarm that we are heading into a very dysfunctional area. I fear that our society is falling into a pathological condition when high levels of performance become the goal, and simple playful pleasure is no longer desirable, let alone permissible. A recent article in Scientific Mind suggests that the emotional and psychological well being of a person might well correlate with how much free play they had in their childhood. If this is valid, we are in deep trouble. And we are perhaps setting up an abusive deprivation of fun for our children.

If you’re of a certain age, you might well recall the notion of free play. My friends and I used to have pick-up games of baseball, basketball or football. They were spontaneously motivated. One kid’s inspiration led to a chain of phone calls and we all managed to meet at a ball field. The immediate concern was whether we had enough players. So the effort to round up sufficient people was very inspired. There was a co-operative, communal effort, which felt really satisfying. And of course, we tried real hard to have our team win. But nobody stayed home because they weren’t good enough. It was simple, unadulterated fun. And it taught us so much about social skills. No coaches, parents or organizations to dictate the rules. We had the opportunity to create them for ourselves. And we certainly benefited from that.

The current generation of children and adolescents are deprived of play. Their experience of what should be play becomes more work, as it is over-organized, scheduled and ultimately graded upon performance. The absence of play in a child’s life is somewhat cruel. To rob our children of being children – as we propel them toward the cultural edict of excellence – demands some serious reconsideration.

Having to do your best implies that you are suffering from a compulsion. In this case, you aren’t acting from free will, but from the compulsion. Trying to do your best selectively and with discrimination is laudable and leaves you in charge of your experience. Life mastery requires balance. Freeing yourself from compulsion is necceasary to enable this shift.

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The pursuit of perfection drives many people into dysfunctional relationships – with others, and with themselves. Join Mel in a live discussion as he addresses the dilemma of perfectionism.

And please remember that you can listen in by phone or confidentially call in questions of your own by dialing (877) 904-1571.

“The only perfection is in being present, yet the perfectionist is never present” 

Over the years, I have treated an increasing number of of people who are afflicted with perfectionism. The desire to be perfect traps and burdens many people and imprisons them with unrelenting stress, often creating havoc in their relationships.

This is a very curious thing, given that many people believe seeking perfection is a good thing. Like many operating assumptions and beliefs in our culture, when we take a deeper look, they may make little sense.

This show will explore the causes of perfectionism and share the techniques for overcoming this struggle.

To read my article on perfectionism, click here

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This first show will illuminate why we struggle in our relationships and explore why so many marriages not only end in divorce but why the intact ones fall well short of happiness. Mel suggests that if marriage were a corporation, it would be bankrupt. He will reveal many breakthrough approaches and techniques for overcoming this problem. For a more detailed description of the show, click here.

Join a worldwide audience and take the opportunity to listen, participate, and call in questions of your own.

All of Mel’s shows will be archived for those who aren’t available to listen live. The podcasts will be accessible through your iTunes account following the airing of the show (more information to follow).

In the meantime, you can read more about why we struggle in our relationships.

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We desperately try to restore order to our lives, as chaos seems to prevail. Yet, if we learn to reframe how we see crisis, we might actually take advantage of it. There is the potential for alchemy as the crisis unfolds into a gain, provided we learn to stop resisting the unwanted change.

The crisis may be of a financial, relationship, health or spiritual nature. Those crises that are internally driven tend to be relational, psychological or emotional. Ordinarily, we try to avoid these upsets as best we can. Yet, upheavals are at times leveled upon us and may not be of our making. We may feel like victims of the circumstances, as we struggle to hold on to life as we knew it.

Typically, personal change requires our motivation and intention to serve as the catalyst to power the transition. Crisis, on the other hand, removes the self-motivating requirement as it places us squarely outside of our familiar zone. The crisis literally removes the boundaries that have circumscribed us. It is as if a tornado has swept in, and when we open our eyes, everything has changed. The maelstrom places us well beyond the bounds of the known. We typically find ourselves wanting desperately to get back inside the comfort of the known. But the crisis precludes that option. There is no going back. But that is where the opportunity lies.

Breaking Free 

Growth and fundamental levels of change only tend to occur when we are out of our comfort zone. We can refer to this as being far from equilibrium, where certainty and predictability no longer reign supreme. So we might look at the crisis as a blessing in disguise, albeit an unwanted one.

Steve Jobs might have felt self-defeated and victimized himself after he was fired from Apple many years ago. He chose otherwise. After his dismissal, he grasped crisis by the horns, seeing opportunity where others did not. He went on to lead a small animation company and turn it into the juggernaut that is now Pixar. When The Walt Disney Company bought Pixar in 2006, Jobs immediately became the largest shareholder in Disney. The moral of the story is unwanted change happens; look beyond it and embrace the discomfort.

The crisis is but a snapshot of a moment in time, and one we’d prefer to avoid. But to achieve self-empowerment requires looking beyond that snapshot and envisioning what door of potential has just flung open.

The individual whose spouse initiated divorce or left them for another person feels betrayed and perhaps heartsick. After a time though, they may in fact come to feel thankful to be freed from an unworthy and inauthentic relationship. This is particularly true if they evolve through the loss and benefit from a new and healthier relationship.

I fervently believe that every crisis presents an opportunity. Crisis and opportunity are merely differing aspects of the process. Do we choose to focus on the crisis and freeze in fear, or do we inquire as what the opportunity may be? Let’s take a deeper look at the phenomena of crisis.

Illuminating Crisis 

Crises tend to present themselves as either acute or chronic circumstances. For example, there is an economic upheaval that is driving the United States and the world economy into highly volatile perturbations, with both wealth and employment literally disappearing. In the lives of most people, this is an external crisis raining upon them, typically not of their own making. Yet, through these losses, many people are coming to reflect on their values and choices and are making adjustments – due to the crisis – that actually benefit them.

A high-powered Wall Street executive, with whom I was working, had hardly a spare moment for his family, as he was ever consumed with achieving more and more. The loss of his job at first paralyzed him with fear. After a time, however, he was able to reevaluate his priorities. He now works from home in a small business he founded, and his family and he have greatly benefited.

An unexpected health issue or the death of a loved one may bring anxiety and/or loss. However painful and stressful these challenges and losses may be, the opportunity to be in the moment and value life from a differing perspective can prevail.

Chronic crises are more personal as they manifest thematically throughout one’s life. One’s relationship struggles or battles with self-esteem or depression tend to recur throughout life. These patterns are perpetual mini-crises awaiting a more fundamental resolution. Learning to look at the larger themes and patterns that set up these challenges will help develop a vantage point from which you may break through the struggle. In other words, what are the recurring stories of your life? What is your participation in this storyline?

Likewise, relationship difficulties tend to self-perpetuate until a turning point is reached. Often the relationship crisis launches the couple into new territory, whereby growth may finally be achieved. The pain endured through the crisis may actually enable this gain. For example, infidelity can be a horrific experience, but it may also open the door to a more authentic examination of the marriage and the possibility of a hopeful resolution. I have assisted a number of couples as they worked through this travail and transformed their relationships in a healthy way.

Where Is the Opportunity? 

Let’s delve a bit deeper into the opportunity that prevails through these hardships. Crisis is defined in Webster’s Dictionary as: “A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point.” If we focus on the phrase “turning point,” we might ask ourselves, “Toward where are we turning?” It is in this non-reactive contemplation that we may elect to seek opportunity. This potentiality becomes obscured when we are mired in the loss of the familiar as opposed to venturing into the new. This tipping point is precisely where transformation occurs.

Do we gaze into the unfolding potential of change, or do we focus on the loss of the familiar? Your answer reveals your relationship between loss and opportunity. Ultimately the question is whether we choose to freeze in the panic of the unfamiliar or we seek to opportunize the new territory that’s unfolding for us. The former presents anxiety and retreat, the latter evokes growth. Release your hold on loss and embrace your relationship with opportunity. They are inversely correlated.

The only constant in the universe is flow. What we call crisis is simply the occurrence of change. We are not the masters of change, and if we release our need to control it, we can ride the waves of change and often turn it into opportunity.

As George Harrison sang, “Sunrise doesn’t last all morning.” Change happens. Prepare for it.

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It appears that when the light photon is not being observed it exists in waveform, but at the moment of observation, the wave collapses and becomes a particle. The act of observing actually collapses the wave. Prior to making the observation the wave represents a state of pure potentiality. That potential only becomes manifest into a fixed state when we look at it. I have come to see that a very similar phenomenon occurs in our lives.

The imprints of certain childhood events, which impact us so significantly, are in fact wave collapses of our identity. As newborns or infants, if not at conception itself, we resemble the potentiality of the wave, waiting for our identities to take shape. Notwithstanding matters of genetics, archetypal and astrological influences, our lives are not yet determined and our personalities not yet molded. Ordinarily, even a single experience is sufficient to collapse the wave and become embedded in our psychic structure. The hurtful word or an embarrassing experience of childhood collapses our potential. At times, it need not be that traumatic and may in fact be quite subtle. Yet, in those moments our potential becomes narrowed and our identity begins to take shape. It’s as if we took a snapshot of ourselves that became frozen in time. We are no longer the wave but the particle. And we carry this picture with us through our lives, burdening and limiting our emergence. The themes of such collapses may vary, but they are typically self-denigrating: “I’m not good enough or smart enough” or more simply, “I’m not loveable.”

Often, people cling to habituated beliefs about themselves in accordance with their primary wave collapses. In spite of new events, which might cause us to reconsider or re-evaluate our beliefs, we remain rooted in the way we see ourselves and block the opportunity for change. We tend to remain embedded in the groove of our self-referencing thoughts. These beliefs and images typically are borne out of early wave collapses.

How stupid can I be?

Recently, a client shared a telling story with me. Her first day of kindergarten, her mother sent her off to school on her own. She lived only one block from school and her mother incredibly thought she could handle the walk by herself. Upon arriving at the school, she was told that she had arrived too late and would have to miss the entire day. She sheepishly walked home and rang the doorbell. Her mother opened the door and looked at her indignantly. “Why are you here?” she impatiently asked. My client told her mother about the time mistake, and her mother bellowed, “How stupid can you be?” Forty-five years later, this woman still carried a core belief that she was, indeed, stupid. That interaction collapsed a very significant wave and shaped her intellectual image. The wave collapsed and she froze this snapshot. It became a core feature of her personality. Given that our beliefs tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies, it wouldn’t be surprising if her performances, both in life and academically, were affected by her belief.

I shared the theory behind wave collapse and she quickly apprehended the notion. I asked her to consider whether it was possible that for her entire life she had believed an untruth about herself. Fortunately, she permitted herself to allow an alternative point of view with all of its accompanying dissonance and considered that perhaps she wasn’t intellectually inferior. We visualized a new wave collapse in which she was told that she was indeed smart. Of course, this necessitated her embracing her discomfort as she moved beyond the limits of her familiar zone. Our work then focused on helping her break free from the addictive tendency of her thoughts to malign herself. Her progress from that point was most impressive.

I’m not lovable

I have been working with a middle-aged man who, because of childhood interactions with his parents, collapsed impressions of himself that instructed him that he wasn’t lovable. His life, until recently, created experiences that bore out this belief. However, very recently a woman with whom he has fallen in love has, in fact, decided that she, too, loved him. As he was inclined to remain in his primary collapse experience, he resisted this new information. I attempted to heighten his opportunity for change by highlighting the dissonance around this contradictory information. If, in fact, his lover found him lovable, might he indeed be lovable? I encouraged him to collapse a new perception of himself. By making this choice, he permitted himself the opportunity to select a new observation and collapse a new wave of experience.

Breaking free from the predictability of the wave collapse requires uprooting the repetitive thoughts that platform the continued belief. Noticing the repetition of these old thoughts, in lock step with the wave collapse, enables the shift. I must note that wave collapses need not be negative or emotionally injurious. They may just as well be positive and bolster our self-esteem.

The wave collapse can also be illustrated by our thought selection. Prior to the instant in which we select and attach to a thought, we are like the wave, in a state of potential. In the nanosecond between thoughts, our next state of reality is suspended in a pure state of potential. Once we select the thought, the wave collapses and a reality is summoned.

At times, in therapy a client often comes to a long awaited breakthrough. It is a significant moment in which there is long awaited insight and what has always been obscured becomes illuminated. In the following moments, there ensues a state of potential. Whether the individual attaches to the thought that instructs, “What a relief; I’ve broken through” or “What’s wrong with me; why has this taken so long?” will select which reality they choose. They can obviously choose vastly differing experiences. The potential is all that exists prior to the next thought.

Superposition

It appears that the universe perpetually unfolds from this state of potential – known in quantum physics as superposition. When we speak of the universe we tend to refer to it as out there, leaving ourselves separate. This is a cardinal error. We fully participate in the crafting of that universe as much as the universe informs who we are. In order to access universal potential, we must devote ourselves to apprehending that possibility. It lies in the instant prior to collapsing the wave with our next thought/emotion.

The thought becomes our reality. Having thoughts from the habitual groove of our experience will likely replicate more of the same feelings and experiences. Remember that thought re-presents our past experience. This is why we struggle with change. Taking a new snapshot and actualizing new thinking, however, will script a new experience. The pathway to change doesn’t require a gradual overcoming of our obstacles, but can be easily accessed through a quantum re-envisioning of our wave collapse. Our emergence is linked to seeing differently, and a new way of seeing is the most powerful thing in the universe. Indeed, it fully participates in that evolving reality. Reaching beyond the familiar and breaking the bondage of the familiar is essential.

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The replay of old thoughts and feelings indicates that we aren’t truly present. The past is not dead in these circumstances, but alive and kicking in the present as we continue to replicate the past. This is such a wasteful way to live our lives as we move from moment to moment – wanting for change – but not understanding how to achieve it. The continuous repetition of old thoughts and feelings robs us of new experience. As well, it deprives us of the discovery of new ways of being. The groove is where fear reigns supreme. Coming out of the groove is where self-actualization appears.

I have been looking at this dilemma for some time now and have developed a method to help people liberate themselves from the grip of the groove. To that end, I have developed a process, which I call Emergent Thinking, whereby we can learn to see the habitual thoughts that trick us into false realities. Learning to observe thought, rather than attaching to and becoming the thought, is where liberation commences.

If I can’t see the thought, I won’t be having a thought – the thought will be having me!

If you have carried a thought like “I’m not good enough or smart enough,” you don’t see it as a thought; you accept it as the truth. It becomes your dominant belief and scripts your experiences and life dramas. That is where thought tricks us. The liberation comes from being able to reflect that it’s only a thought.

The difficulty we encounter in disengaging the thought is due to its automatic nature. Before we have an opportunity to take notice of the thought, we’ve already become the thought. But we can learn to become more alert and slow down the process, so that we may see the thought more clearly. It’s almost like seeing it coming in slow motion. We quickly learn how to accomplish this on physical levels.

Just consider the sport of tennis, and let’s metaphorically equate thought with being the tennis ball. In order to play well, we seek to anticipate the arrival of the ball on our side of the net well in advance of it coming. We see our opponent’s positioning and footwork, their racquet movement and the position of the ball. As the ball approaches the net in its return to us, we’re fully anticipatory. We’d hardly wait until the ball was inches from us before we began to react. Anticipation and awareness are fundamental in tennis or any sport. And so we train ourselves in this awareness and time slows in a relative sense as we come into this zone of awareness.

The flight of the ball seems much slower to the player on the court than to the spectator in the stands. Time becomes relative. The very same thing can be accomplished with thought as we learn to see it in advance of becoming it. This process will be discussed in greater detail in my forthcoming book, Emergent Thinking, but is illustrated here simply to advance this thesis.

Old Thought Defends its Territory

The old thinking defends its territory, so to speak, as it clings to maintain control and dominates our beliefs and actions. This is what the physicist David Bohm referred to as the literal nature of our thought. The deception is that our thoughts instruct us about an objective truth rather than a subjective perception. As such, thought constructs reality and reports it. And in so doing, it obfuscates the fact that it is simply representing a subjective perception.

All ownership of the thought is lost as we merge with the thought. Consider the difference between “she is really being unfair to me and taking advantage” as opposed to “I’m having a thought, which is telling me that she’s treating me unfairly.”

In reality, our thoughts are perceiving – if not constructing that truth – and imprisoning us within those confines. This dilemma is illuminated by contrasting worldviews. In the mechanistic paradigm, reality is comprised of separate objects and events. As such, there is a core belief in objectivity (comprised of objects) as one can stand apart from a separate and discrete reality and observe it. It’s “out there” and you can objectify it. This is typically how our thoughts operate, reporting in on the truth out there.

In the emerging participatory worldview, separation is questionable and all parts participate in a mutually constructed reality. Hence, objectivity falls apart, for it requires separation to be objective. From this vantage, thought should be seen as subjectively representing what we see out there, whereby we participate in that observation. This would be known as participatory thought. Literal thought might instruct us as follows: “I’m such a loser, why can’t I ever do anything right?” This thought is informing us as to the objective truth. Participatory thought would sound like, “ I’m having a thought (perhaps old) that is telling me once again that I’m a loser.” (You might also want to consider if that thought is a replay of messages you received about yourself in childhood.)

The nature of participatory thought leaves us free to reflect upon and consider the thought, as opposed to automatically becoming the thought. This is a vital part of liberating ourselves from the deadness of habitual thought – tirelessly repeating the past and opening to the potential of new thinking. Participatory thought often begins with establishing subjective ownership, i.e., “I’m having a thought.” If we simply launch into the thought, it is claiming objective truth. Once we establish that our thoughts are subjective and participating fully in that which they are reporting, we open to the shift of mind that reaches new potentials.

When we learn to see the thought/feeling arise and witness it, rather than become it, we approach a new level of authenticity. It permits us to be responsive rather than reactive, for it allows for the passage of the extra moment required for reflection. When this occurs, there emerges an “I,” which is far larger than simply being your thought/feeling. This process feels as if you are transcending the common and moving into a deeply sublime realm, hovering above the knee jerk reactivity of ordinary life. And as an added gift, it facilitates much healthier communication and supports our relationships.

In order to come out of the groove, or ungroove, requires the ability to invite in and embrace the dissonance of new thinking. New thinking is most unfamiliar and although we may say we seek it, there’s an entrenchment in the comfort of the familiar zone.  What we seek in terms of change requires that we embrace what is unknown. As noted earlier, the dilemma is that if we avoid what’s uncomfortable or awkward then we remain in the habitual groove. If the new thinking and behavior feels uncomfortable as we move toward it, then we have a signal that we are moving us out of the groove. This experience is what we commonly refer to as change. Learning to come out of the habitual groove enables us to consciously choose differently and live our lives in a more participatory and engaged manner. This shift from the automatic and habitual nature of thought/feeling can be described as a movement from rigidity toward plasticity. The more malleable our minds, the greater the movement will be from the rigidity that denies us growth and emergence.

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