A Shot of Spirit

The one with eyes

2012-07-17T03:50:00.001+08:00

Eyes.Sad.Lost.Pathetic.

Eyes.Curious.Glance.Meaningful.Questions.Unanswered.Silence.Sigh.

Eyes.Happy.Stories.No.TV.Yes.Life.Yours.Naah.Talk.Shallow.Pretensions.Unbearable.

Eyes.Surprised.Love.Never.Sip.Puff.Floating.Liquor.Drink.Again.Uncomfortable.

Eyes.Hatred.Friends.End.Strangers.Definitely.Unbelievable.

Eyes.Weary.Weird.Straightened.Slouched.Read.Turn.Sleep.

Eyes.Closed.Dream.You.Uggh.Shoot.Great.Ridiculous.Spare.Me.

Eyes.You.Me.Together?Unpredictable.Impossible.

Dying.

End.Life.Singapore.

Move.Out.

Soon.

Hopefully.

Please?

The one with the brain & heart

2012-07-03T16:24:00.001+08:00

Have you ever encountered an emotion so deep it made you sleepless and bothered because you cannot identify what it is?

I thought this will only happen when someone passes away. Death is a very sensitive topic that only a few dare to speak of it. Why not? All of us will eventually meet our own end and we should be prepared for it. We can only be confident in facing it if we have assured ourselves that leaving will be a smooth process for the ones we will leave behind but then again, no death can ever be smooth no matter how long and how much we prepare for it.

Anyway, this post is not merely about death. It's about living. I never imagined that even in the midst of an illness, a person can still have enough stamina to accomplish several tasks thrown at him or her. However, when a person reaches its unexpected limit, all the energy gets sucked right out and the person ends up drained-lifeless. In other words, this proved that emotional illness is more powerful than any physical illness. Maybe this is the reason that doctors advise of the famous quote, "Laughter is the best medicine."

My question is: Do we purposely allow ourselves to get hurt because we're enjoying it subconsciously or do we manifest some kind of hurt magnet and intentionally absorb all kinds of pain until we can no longer receive any and then our hearts become stone-like to the point of functioning only for the purpose of pumping blood to the rest of the body parts?

I am a very complicated person. I tend to get attached to certain subjects unconsciously although the brain commands a logical advice that kept whispering it's impossible and most definitely a coincidence. The heart insisted on pushing to dwell on the impossible because the emotions dominate the throne dictating the body to pursue the subject with utmost care because it continues to believe in fate and destiny. Meanwhile, the body is more confused than ever in terms of decision-making. Who does it follow? The brain which provides the most complex information but has the reasonable explanations or the heart which depends on the intuitive powers of discerning reality from fantasy?

I'm extremely tired but I cannot sleep. Doing laundry to waste time. Maybe I'll make more sense once I have gained my old self back OR once I've regained my constant wish: (drum rolls please)

~~~uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. (^_^)

The one with P

2012-05-30T00:17:00.001+08:00

P. One letter that I cannot utter without feeling this agony that grips my soul to pieces.

As much as I'd like to forget the past, most of my college memories revolved around him and so are the never-before-told stories of my younger years.

He was my college friend. My first friend in the university, my first seatmate and one that I considered a potential boyfriend before I knew he's gay. We clicked from the start. If I've lived a second life in this era, I would think he's my soul mate in the past. If the fact about soul mates really exists and that 2 people who are part of a whole are not meant to be together at the same time, then he's the one. He knew me like no other and I knew him like we've been friends since birth.

I read the text message that a friend sent me over and over again in the hope that I was too tired and misunderstood its meaning. After the realization of it all hit me, I was numb. Empty. I was at a loss for words for the first time in my life. I've lost many loved ones in the past: grandfather, grandmother, uncles and other relatives but this person affected me the most in my disbelief.

The line "he was the one" almost escaped my mouth during college. I can't help thinking about going back to the times when I was a jealous friend who got upset with him because he became close with my best friend. I can't help remembering those 2 years of loss that I felt when I didn't have any communication with him after he left college. I can't help imagining what could have happened if I confided my feelings towards him all those years which I never got to do for fear of losing the friendship.

Who would have thought I would be in the same boat after 10 years? A decade had passed and I am in the same shit that I've been in on my X-Files. Sorry for the cursing but I've had enough of the situations fate had bestowed on my path. Why do I have to fall for a friend of all people??? Is this my karma for ignoring guy friends who showed interest in me? (not that I think too highly of myself-more like an incest-icky feeling)

I would love to face any dilemma at work and get pissed off by overly self-centered colleagues but this is too much to bear. I tried my hardest in keeping myself busy by going out with friends, shopping until my wallet is almost worn out from being opened several times (as my sister complained that I kept too many receipts it might explode at any time) and doing house chores to kill time but none of it is ever enough to stop me from falling to pieces every time he crossed my mind.

Why didn't I call him? Why didn't I send him another message in Twitter? Why did I become this friend who let time pass by without having the initiative to communicate with good friends from the past???

No matter how many times I replayed the scene in my head, I kept ending up blaming myself for what happened although I know it's not my fault. I was never there for him. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I didn't even get to thank him for the great friendship we had. I only told him what I felt when he's gone and in a social networking site that he already deleted from so long ago because he found it such a superficial cyber world than how it was in the beginning.

I deactivated my account today. I'll miss most of my friends and relatives there but at the moment, it's the only thing I can do to help me cope up with reality. I am broken inside. I cannot go on and continue greeting people on their happiest days when I'm in this deep hole that I'm in. I cannot pretend to be happy for them anymore because every time I tell them I'm happy for them, it creates a hole on my chest that cannot be repaired by anyone but myself. As they say, your worst enemy is yourself. I only realized this truth when I had to work for 15 hours on my own which led me to reflect about who I want to be and who I had become.

I don't know when I'll activate it again or if I ever will. I am just too tired of the pathetic posts of people boasting of their materialistic lives and the fancy places they've been that I am also guilty of due to too many idle times-- which seemed as though all our lives are as little as those which we possess or the places we've been to. P made me realize that life is more than all the deceitful truths posted worldwide. He's been one of the truest persons I've been blessed to meet who is such a great loss to humanity. It was fate that brought me to him. I refuse to waste meeting him just like that. He will remain as a wonderful memory and inspiration for me to live my life to the fullest. We'll meet again.

The one with my birthday

2012-05-04T12:06:00.003+08:00

Grateful. Yes, I truly am. For everyone that I have met, got acquainted with and have become great friends with in my 29 years of life on earth.

Being 29 and having experienced the roller coasters of my insane life has been one hell of a ride. It has been funny most of the time but I must admit it's been fun in a weird way. We never really know when we will turn a year older than we are until we hear people say them out loud and then we realize it's not an imagination anymore.

Aging is one thing but adding another year to your age in the resume or identification card is another. It's a sickening feeling of dread for me. Especially when one would look at my status and sees the screaming word that spells S-I-N-G-L-E. Yes, I'm one of the highest contributor in our tax funds yearly for the entire country. I'm sure the government is receiving quite a huge amount of money straight from my pocket. You're welcome.

There were several greetings that were unexpected and expected since 12 midnight and the list goes on. I decided to put my phone to be charged and ignore Facebook for a while. I've had enough greetings to last a lifetime and I'm not sure if I am deeply happy knowing that people have my timeline in their heads.

Then there's M. A HS friend who's been bugging me recently for his incoherent explanations. He is a friend and I've never looked at him differently except now that the clock is ticking, I am beginning to think differently. I kept asking myself, "If he were to be the last man on earth, would you like to spend the rest of your life with him?"

The answer is clearly a NO. Make it bold, italicized and underlined. Except that when he asked me about his chances in case he'll court me I gave him an "I don't know". It's the truth at the time. Really. It only got messed up when another guy came back from nowhere and started making his presence known again. Uggh. Complicated. Please stop my imagination from going overboard again. I beg you.

Other than the fact that he's too far (US) and LDR is not my thing, I don't feel any spark or even a hint of electricity flowing in my body for him. He is a nice guy though. I'm sure he'll be a great boyfriend because he respects women, has a caring soul and has a sense of humor but he's not my type. Considering his current financial status, I should be giving him a chance but I'm not the kind of girl who looks at bank accounts to have a stomach-fluttering feeling. No, I am the girl who simply goes with her gut.

My housemate advised me to give him a chance. She even replied to some of his messages in Viber saying I might develop feelings for him. Who knows? His exact words. I like straight-to-the-point men. He was. Kinda. It was just too late for me. If he said everything he wanted to say in the past, we might have had a chance because I was naive and gullible then. Not anymore.

Again, this is my mind rambling the random idiotic thoughts that cannot stop itself from coming out. It's exploding and I can no longer keep it inside for fear of losing my own sanity. I am mad. Mad with the world for putting me in my current state. I am in the same bedroom with the man I never liked from the start but kept confusing me over and over again who's causing a lot of sleepless days. I am mad with Fate for messing up with time and allowing M to tell me the oh-so-late confession this week right before my birthday! Why did he have to tell me that he wanted to court me but ended up with my friend because I left when he arrived in the Philippines? Why did he have to call me this stupid name-BULA (bubble)?!

He even asked me not to disappear from him again which was odd since I was never his to begin with. I was never anyone's girl so can he cut the crap and move on? He is bugging me again with his nonsense messages of greetings (e.g. good morning, how are you?) but he didn't even remember my birthday! My room mate remembered to greet me this morning when he came home from work but most likely it's because of the endless posts in Facebook.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I am so grateful for everything. Including the people who are making my days worse by asking me to buy them take-away from a not-so-far stall from work (even when it's raining) right before my evening starts at work. Okay, so my freshness diminished by a few inches due to the unique aroma of the place sticking to my shower-fresh clothes. Anyway, who cares? Nothing cannot be fixed by a few perfume sprays.

I am grateful because I learned more about myself with every experience. Except that it makes me go crazy sometimes. There are days when I reach home and felt like peeling all the apples in the fridge or cleaning the kitchen from too much frustration. I want to scream "Stop!" to catch my breath because it's becoming too much to handle at the same time but I don't want to end up in Changi prison so I keep my mouth shut.

I am just 29 for goodness' sake! Give me a break. Let me live my life in peace for a day in a year. Like today perhaps since it's my birthday?

The one with the new me

2012-04-18T05:21:00.001+08:00

We often wonder, how far can we go? What would be the greatest obstacle in my life that would stop me from pursuing my dreams? Is it time, work or money? How about all of the above?

I wish it was that simple. My life has been nothing but a roller coaster lately. My disheveled appearance at work may spell "shit" but being tangled into a chaotic scenario is nothing compared to how I look these days. Yes, I've cut my hair into the anime-like style but it's flipping here and there when the sun rises plus my eyeglasses equals a psycho me. My memory lapses are increasing especially yesterday when my colleague was asking me to bring a document to her and I forgot what it is in a matter of seconds upon reaching the desk.

I mean c'mon, what is wrong with me? THIS is the best reason not to let your heart wander where it should not go because the brain gets left behind. My mind gets cluttered too much that the rest of mankind becomes non-existent and La-la land is a stone's throw away.

I am a mess. I watched "Unofficially Yours" online and I'm drowning in tears. When JL mentioned to AL this line, "Tama ka. Wala akong karapatang masaktan kasi hindi naman tayo", I was surprised because it was my line to myself from the last couple of months. I didn't even notice I was crying. Good thing the lights are out and my sister is still asleep.

So I have a heart. Right. I thought I lost it when I was on my way back to Singapore. Isn't it enough that he broke my heart without knowing it? He had to repeat it over and over again and then play his stupid songs in my face like he has feelings for me. He had to look me in the eye and then keep silent while observing in the background. He had to pretend he's asleep and then mention my name in the dark like he's concerned about me. He had to go to his friend's place overseas all of a sudden and then forget to say goodbye.

You know what the worst part is? These past few days made me see how much of a fool I am. Waiting for him is like waiting for the needle to drop in a haystack which is synonymous to Dora finding Nemo on the same show.

Maybe I am assuming. Or maybe I misinterpreted the signals and jumped to the wrong conclusions. Or maybe I was too bored with my life and he's the only guy I keep seeing that I developed this "thing" between us which happens to be non-existent. Okay, it's probably a one-sided attraction brought about by an almost extinct social life. Exactly.

For what it's worth, he must have been sent from above to let me know I can care for someone. Enough to lose my mind when I don't see him. Enough to wish he'll be happy even if it's not with me. Enough to pretend I'm okay when he's around although I'm dying inside because he cares for someone else. Enough to accept my pathetic behavior that I absolutely abhor to the core of my being.

Yes. I. am. pathetic. This is the new me. *vomits*

Not really. The new me will soon forget about the guy with no balls (as my long-time friend told me) and move on to the next guy who will come along even if she doesn't like him.

This must be the so-called rebound. Except we were never in a relationship. It has a sting to it that sounds disgusting but if that's the only way to forget about him then I'm willing to do this.There's no turning back now since I already gave my number to this HS friend who suddenly decided to make his presence known again.

I'll have to wait and see.

I am never going to be Dora.

I'm not going to search for a needle. Thank you very much.

The one with the longest lunch of a lifetime

2012-03-30T17:33:00.002+08:00

"Kill me now. Please."

This line kept going in my head when I attended the so-called celebratory lunch with the entire team from work together with the regional department employees who are familiar faces but nevertheless, still strangers to me until the very end of my stay. The fakest of fake are everywhere. I am imagining all of them as plastic humans created to form an alliance to dominate humanity and make more plastic humans. Yes, they are real. In fact, they even have brains. Too much I believe that it consumed them and completely shattered their hearts to pieces which are irreparable.

I arrived at about 12 noon in Penang Place. Alright, so it's a fancy restaurant which houses plastic humans globally. They did such a fine job that I almost forgot I'm not one of them but when I get to the table right beside my boss and other 5 companions, I immediately realized that I'm not one of them. First of all, for Filipinos, we would be hospitable enough to greet the newcomers and welcome them especially if they are foreigners. In Singapore, I didn't know it's a custom to do as you please, regardless of the so-called "manners" which I thought was a well-known innate behavior everyone learned if not in Kindergarten.

My Filipino friend looked at me and didn't know if it's buffet either which nobody mentioned in the email and so we simply gathered ourselves from our seats to spare them the drama by eating the last lunch we'll ever have with the team. I understand that most of them are hungry but a simple "It's buffet; please help yourselves." would have sufficed. They just looked at us and motioned for the table with loads of dishes that most plastic humans feast on most of the time.

I ate just enough to satisfy the hunger although I didn't eat breakfast to show them that not all Filipinos are clueless to the dishes that they will hoard tons of food than they can chew. Not to brag about my upbringing, but my family had been to fancy restaurants since I was a kid too and although we are not what is considered wealthy, my Dad opted to splurge when it comes to food and he often decides to try new dishes once in a while before his long-term job ended so this is not a new experience for me.

Our office mates seemed to think we're too grateful for them for bringing us here to try their dishes and I just imagined my colleague shooting me in the head as I instructed her to get myself out of the exasperating scenario. I felt like I'm in a play and I'm tired of laughing at their corny jokes that being killed is the only way out.

Why are there people who look down on Filipinos? I understand the racism is not a new fad here but can they please give us a break? Sometimes it's not just racism but stereotyping too. That's a huge combo which gives you a happy meal treat called "narrow-minded feast" and if you give an additional 10 cents of insult, you also get a free tumbler which has an amazing glow-in-the-dark label that says "full of crap".

I am deeply saddened by this horrific event but what can I do? The world kept evolving with new kinds of technology every day and Singapore is not one country to be halted from all the craze but as each year progresses them to new heights of innovation, the lower their morale sinks deeper like the Titanic ship. It's probably inevitable since there are some Filipinos who also create a fiasco larger than just the country itself that we had to pay for it by being treated in this disgusting manner.

This is truly a humbling experience. Losing a job and then being treated like a third-world human compared to the plastic humans taught me a great lesson. If there's one thing that money cannot buy, it is our hearts. No matter how rich you become, if you are a heartless person, then you'll end up with the plastic humans who laugh at stories told by others that they don't even have a clue of.

I'm SOoOo glad I'm out of that ship.

The one with lawyer mode and last day at work =(

2012-03-30T00:30:00.000+08:00

After being hooked to the TV series Suits, I was more than tempted to transform myself to a Mike Ross when facing the boss of my headhunter to deal with the case of Little Red Ridinghood (Me) vs. the Big Bad Wolf. I was wearing a green sweater to make myself look more like a money-grubbing bitch in the wolf's eyes or to make it sound nicer--fine--hopeful? Yes, in appearance at least.

It might have been nicer if I was wearing a suit myself to play the part that I want to portray but I had to settle with the black top and slacks to appear as if I brought bullets with me. The Wolf started the supposed-to-be-one-on-one hearing with a "What is the problem?" to scare me. Oh right I should be scared right?Sorry but I'm too hungry and my stomach's growling too loudly for me to notice the fear creeping up my spine. I told my long story in 2-3 sentences and then he interrupted me with a call from his cellphone. Okay, so he's playing the "I'm too busy to deal with this matter" trick. Without a breath, as soon as he ended the call, I laid the contract on his desk to request for an explanation about a few lines for the Notice period with an innocent and curious tone. Testing the waters this way would give me a hint if he will budge a little or not.

The wolf is indeed bad because he was too firm to even start an argument. He was too sure that the final judgment will be on his court. Oh no. I don't have a memory gap when it comes to bonuses. When the quit claim form was printed out for me, I insisted on editing it for my own peace of mind because it doesn't clearly state the facts.

He even mentioned a few taunting words such as "Trust us, trust us." I said I do but I need to have it written on the document. I am a woman I know but I had enough of people treating me like a weakling who doesn't have an inkling what a treacherous wolf looks like. Unfortunate for him that I learned it not so long ago and this woman is no longer putting up with this kind of crap. I may look kind and innocent but not anymore.

I am tired of being treated as such and I showed him that I can play his game too.

I am saddened by the idea of ending my laidback job wherein I can take lunch and breaks any time I'd like to or get late for work without any sermon for breakfast from my boss as long as I get the job done. It is a first for me to work at a company that allows me to relax as much as I'd want to although there's still pressure on the deadlines but they redefined the meaning of a job for me. For that alone, I am eternally grateful to them for allowing me to experience such grandeur in the corporate world that I never even dreamed of stepping into, let alone being a part of.

In a world where I exist like a needle in a haystack in the unemployment market, the future looks very uncertain. Somehow, I am hopeful. I have no idea where it came from but somewhere along the road, I've met people that rescue me from my current dilemma that I started wondering if angels have been sent from heaven to help my damsel-in-distress days. During the most crucial moments of my life, there are always people who showered me with constant support and guidance that I didn't feel alone. If this is a test, I am glad I encountered it because this experience made me see the people I've been ignoring lately who should've been given enough attention. I know I am selfish; I am all that and more but I do not regret what happened in the past that led me to this road. As my boss from work always asks me that I will remember at all times whenever I mention that the migrations are queuing, "Did you learn something from it?"

I will miss him. Especially my colleague and friend who gave me a free meal after being ditched from work earlier by my ever-heartless boss who didn't have the time to pretend I matter to her for even a minute of her very busy day. Even the colleague I rarely speak with made an act of being sad because I'm leaving and she didn't even move a single muscle. I think my purpose for being there was to show her that amidst all the cruelty shown to another being, if it will be reciprocated with genuine kindness, the other person still has a chance of viewing life in a different light.

I was defeated in this aspect, yes, but hopefully I get an opportunity to speak to her tomorrow and let her know that I never had any negative feelings towards her although my friend and I had fun discussing our everyday encounters with her.

I will also miss the intern guy who always managed to capture my attention during boredom days when I had nothing better to do but watch the passersby in my station. He kept me company without even knowing it, believe me. I've seen him several times in the pantry and also in the hallways yesterday and it was enough memory to store in the next few days that I'll be making my way to the next adventure of a lifetime. Too bad he's a kid, this is just another hands-off in my vocabulary.

Lastly, I'll miss the staff assistant that I initially thought was a nuisance for all the non-stop chatter and sponge-like gossip mode who turns out to be a good friend. Unfortunately, time flew by too fast that I didn't get to know more about her as a friend should. Well, again as my boss had said- at least I learned a lot from this. This will probably be my motto from now on.

The one with the story about a boy and a girl

2012-02-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy. He has short hair, devious eyes and a clever smile. As an Aries boy, he is adventurous and energetic. He is also quick-witted and possesses a daredevil attitude. The only characteristic that beats all the descriptions for an Aries is his introverted world that he has never shared with anyone. He's keeping a deep secret that no one in the whole neighborhood knows yet and that's what stirred a great deal of curiosity for the girl to get to know him.

The girl found him fascinating. As a Taurean, she adores meeting new friends and easily gets along with everyone. However, she didn't find the boy quite as easy to converse with and had to constantly think of games to play with him to keep him company whenever they see each other. She cajoled him into playing games he had never done before like acting as Master Chefs while cooking. They were happy during those days even though she always made a mess of everything.

She even got cuts in her hand for some unknown reason but she never gave up because she believes that one day, the boy will tell her his secret and she will be contented with the knowledge on her own.

One evening, while they were watching their favorite kids show on TV, the boy revealed one of his secrets. He said he only likes watching the kids show because of her. The girl was dumbfounded that she didn't say a word. She didn't even breathe or sigh or roll her eyes like she usually does whenever another playmate makes a joke at her.

The girl was left staring into space, not knowing why she can't move a muscle. The show ended and they both decided to go to their homes. Both had sleepless nights because they were surprised at each other's reaction. The days flew by and the evening was forgotten.

The boy tried to talk her into watching the circus, but the girl was clueless about it so she shrugged it off. The boy asked her if she liked the music played by a band because he has older friends who can give him free tickets and the girl declined because she's not sure if he wanted to go with her or if he wants to give her the tickets to watch it with another playmate from their neighborhood. This started their tug-of-war days.

The boy and the girl slowly grew apart until they were reunited to a party they were both invited in. They began to chat again although there were still some awkward moments. During the party, there was a moment when both of them were left seated beside each other while the rest of the guests were walking around or dancing in the middle of the room.

No words were spoken between them. There was an invisible sadness that enveloped both of them that nobody uttered a single word to each other the entire evening. The girl became sad. She thought she was about to uncover his huge secret when all along she's not even near the edge of it.

After a month, the boy also became lonely because his crush found a childhood sweetheart and he seldom goes out to play in the yard with the girl. He began to hang out with other boys instead.

The girl rarely sees the boy and when she does, she doesn't know what to say anymore because they became strangers to each other. More like neighbors who just nod at each other when they pass by the hall or down the street. The only words they utter are "Hello", "You're early today" or "You're going out?".

Not knowing how it would end, the girl decided to give up her dream of discovering his secret. She thought that it doesn't really matter as long as he becomes her friend again. She began praying that one day, the boy will find the courage to share his secret with her in due time.

The girl did not give up because she believes that he will come to his senses and understand that she is just there, waiting for him to say it and she'll listen. The girl had been used to the cuts in her hands. It was not as painful compared to the loud thumping inside her chest when he walks away from her to play with other boys or when he goes to school and only says "Bye".

The girl felt like there are bricks neatly huddled inside her head and on her back. She told herself that she would need to get rid of the stuffed animals in her closet because it's causing a huge clutter. She would also throw away the trash for her Mom to keep their home clean. She will do her homework to reach her dreams someday.

She will do her best to become his friend again. She never found anyone as difficult to be friends with and this is new to her. She will win him back but she promised herself that if he will choose to be with his friends, she will be brave enough not to cry and accept it. She will only let one teardrop fall and that will be the last of it because she's a brave girl now.

The girl began to dream again. Unknowingly, she has carved out dreams in her mind about the future. It was bright. Too bright for her too see but she'll get there.

The one with a thousand years

2012-02-19T18:12:00.001+08:00

All of us go through a phase- admit it or not, we all have sides of us that we are prepared to share with everyone else but sometimes we have aspects of our lives that we'd prefer to keep by ourselves. As they say, all secrets are meant to be known sooner or later. But again, it depends on how fate plans to surprise us.

This afternoon was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I used to be one of the shy, timid, predictable girls from the province and I turned into a loud, insensitive and sarcastic bitch. I don't understand it but I must admit that it was a refreshing change. I became the exact opposite of who I was in my teens although I still have some values left here and there. Time has brought me to the moment when I slightly understood myself. I finally accepted that we developed and gained certain behaviors for our own benefits.

Learning about yourself is probably one of the most difficult tests we need to undergo in life. I'm glad I have grasped some of that before I turn 30 or I'd still be groping in the dark for an identity.

Anyway, I listened to the song "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri and something in me was dumbfounded with awe and disbelief. After laughing like a lunatic earlier with my housemates, my emotions switched to confusion then I felt teardrops forming in my eyes. Is this me? Am I really going to cry when any moment someone might come inside the shared room? No. My brain told me to stop. It did. But the feeling stayed like a shadow, waiting to be noticed.

Hopefully jogging will cure this. It's my only solution when my brain is in the mood to go on auto-pilot and I can't seem to control it. I need to clear my head big time. I need to breathe. Tomorrow's another day but I'll be okay by then. Right?

The one with stuck

2012-01-02T01:20:00.000+08:00

Due to the incidents today, the Christmas spirit gone and the inner chaos going on at home-- I'll be delaying the continuation of my previous post about Christmas Day.

What a day. I woke up early to clean up the left-over mess from the drinking session on New Year's eve. Oops I didn't wake up because of that. It's because I need to do the regular bladder duties and my stomach started complaining from dehydration.

Once I started clearing the plates, I was on a roll so I wiped all the teeny bits of food stuck inside the microwave then moved on to the stove and the rest of the unit. With the background music by Adele, Colbie Caillat, Jason Reeves and E. Yamin, there was a synchronized rhythm through my movements that I didn't feel even a moment of exhaustion. My little concert continued in the bathroom and I was lost in my own little world where I was forever replaying scenes from last night and previous nights. AGAIN.

Let's move on because the "thinking" part is so lame. Mind over matter. Tired. Tired. Tired. Erase thinking during sleeping hours, idle time and bathroom breaks.

Anyway, my gay housemate (R) brought several friends at home for a drinking session just now. I am certainly not in the mood for another one. First, I got a stiff neck due to an uncomfortable position I've slept last night. Second, the supposedly foursome drinking session became a threesome event because he was online in Skype most of the time. What is the point of drinking with an invisible companion? Third, he asked permission from my sister and my housemate. Not from me.

So my opinion doesn't count anymore. Great. Thank you so much for making me realize that my consent doesn't really matter when bringing in friends. I don't really mind. A courtesy or consideration on the matter would have sufficed. Lo and behold--Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I got upset for a few moments but I recovered after listening to random songs in YouTube. That's me. Fixed by music. Tomorrow is another day. I will feel better. The patience antidote hasn't gone through its normal operating hours and the anger management department is still on the works but it'll improve in time.

Life is short. It's been far too long that I've been stuck in this hole. Being kind and nice had been a label I've hated since a kid although most people think it's a positive thing. Well, not to me. I refuse to be described in 2 adjectives because they do not know me.

I can also get mad when the need arises. I can be blunt when the wrong button is pressed. I can be a bitch when treated wrongly. I can be too silent when too upset because of my fear to speak negative words that I'll regret afterwards. I can laugh like a mad woman when I'm too happy and at the same time, cry like a baby if I was moved by a song, movie or situation.

All of us have our own distinct qualities that make us different from others. This makes us perfectly imperfect because we compliment others by this lack of characteristic or behavior. We are all special in our own ways because of our varying emotions and reactions to situations; otherwise, we're no different to electronic gadgets invented by scientists who constantly do routine tasks.

I am grateful with the experiences of 2011 because I became a stronger and wiser person. I am thankful for the great friends I've known who stuck by me through thick and thin, parents who remained by my side despite my daily dose of psychotic moments and the new people who affected my life in more ways that they can possibly know in this lifetime.

This year, "stuck" will never be a hindrance. I will continue to dig a hole and escape the contained space that fate will throw in my face. No one finds the destination without bruises and going through so much hurdle last year taught me that. This path is about to get bumpy but I am ready to face it. As for "stuck"- I'll eat it for breakfast.

The one with Christmas

2011-12-27T00:44:00.000+08:00

Christmas. This day had come and gone like a breeze. It was a memorable and happy day but why did it have to end so soon?

I was in the jolly spirit for almost the entire day. Being tired was forgotten and I woke up very early on the 24th to start the Christmas chores. Waking up at 8 in the morning to welcome my long-time ex-colleague friend to teach me how to cook leche flan was worth every minute of it.

Although I managed to burn the bottom part of 2 leche flans, everyone still showed their deep appreciation of my efforts. My sweat and wounded finger felt all their gratitude when they can't stop saying it was delicious. This was a first because I was never a fan of cooking due to the heat and the cleaning. Nevertheless, I decided to make an effort.

Part of me was feeling lonesome towards celebrating my first Christmas abroad while being apart from my family and the other was due to the fact that I am still alone. Yes. It bothered me this time like I've never experienced before. Maybe it's the late 20s syndrome or maybe it's my sister getting married in February. I don't know.

I was feeling a little homesick in the afternoon when I was getting frustrated when I can't create a decent base for the flan which is the syrup made from sugar which continuously becomes like a caramel candy as soon as I put it in the container.

I was never a quitter so I did it over and over again until I got it figured out. However, there was a moronic moment when I realized I no longer have any containers left and already started creating the base again! Thanks for room mate who came to the rescue and saved me from getting myself burned.

This was a mistake because I got awkward again when he touched my hand accidentally while grabbing the pan. I noticed that he looked at my hand when his hand got into mine but he instantly recovered and grabbed it to bring the pan to the sink to avoid creating another caramel candy stuck in the pan then he cleaned it himself.

He didn't have to but he did. Maybe he felt awkward too or maybe he was just feeling helpful due to the Christmas spirit. After this incident he also helped me put the flan on the plates and we both competed on the best well-shaped flan flipped on the plate. We were like kids playing around and it was a funny moment.

I almost felt like we're friends somehow and it was strange when we have nothing in common other than our love of music.

More things happened but I need to sleep. I'll continue with the rest of Christmas on my next post. Good night!

The one with my perception of guys

2011-11-07T03:13:00.000+08:00

What is the difference between touching a guy friend's hand on on purpose for confirmation like a high-five and accidentally brushing your hand to his when you both reach for a chip in a bowl? Nothing right? This should be a normal occurrence which should not result to any awkwardness.

When I slightly nudged his hand when we had an agreement about a certain joke and laughed about it, he was smiling at me like we're good friends.

He even made a few questions about me dating my sister's other friend and then making his own conclusion that I always think all guys are gays. I do not think all guys are gays, but most of them are when you least expect it.

On the other hand, when we both reached for a bowl of chips and our hands accidentally touched, he became cautious on the side of bowl to get the chips from.

This was like the incident last week when we both stood in front of one another when walking towards the other side of the room. I was expecting him to walk on the other side of the way and I guess he was expecting the same from me so we both stood there near the kitchen for about 5-10 seconds waiting for the other to move then he laughed. He was on his cellphone talking to a friend and I was checking my cellphone for emails while walking with a glass of water on one hand.

I googled this on the internet because I am really clueless about these things. I mean, I honestly think he's gay but there are days when he's acting like a guy. He hasn't really admitted being gay but I just made that conclusion in my head because he's like no other guy I've met.

His cleanliness is above par. He cleaned the whole unit one day like we hired a cleaning crew who also replaces curtains. Need I say more?

He smells so good that I stink near him.

He is street-smart and wise in terms of money, career and life in general.

He is aware on current events-even Hollywood updates or local celebrity gossips.

He understands gay lingo although he doesn't speak like one.

He sleeps like he's posing for a magazine sometimes which makes me look like a harassed cow in bed.

He is very organized and neat with his things that you would think he learned it from a special course in a university for the neat at heart.

He listens to love songs (both local and foreign) and others that I used to think only girls do although sometimes he plays acoustic rock or alternative rock too.

His bed has always been arranged like a guest would occupy it whenever I go home.

There are many others which puzzle me about him. He is strangely different than the normal guys I knew and that scares me. I always have this picture in my head of how guys are but once you live with one, you begin to realize that your knowledge about them is less than half of it.

I must admit that he slightly gave me a better view about guys. I do not condone discrimination with men in general but the media and the society that we lived in instilled a view about men that stuck in a way that made us believe a specific description of who they are, which is not entirely good.

He made me see that guys can be cleaner than girls.

He argued that my sister and I are the only siblings so I should forgive and forget which was a shock coming from him who seemed to be indifferent most of the time.

He made me realize that some men know how to cook and are into healthy food.

He showed me that men can be a gentleman (i.e. opening doors for women, allowing us to go first when about to dig in during meals etc.).

He gave me an insight that not all men can be associated with a specific quality or persona (i.e. hardcore action fanatic/video game freak/rocker with tattoo plus tons of attitude).

I learned from him that we can never stereotype a single person by our own impression of them because there's more to a man than what we see in them. They are different than women in numerous ways but at some point we do have similarities that are undeniably shocking.

Due to these common characteristics, I automatically went on auto-pilot that he is gay which was unfair on him. Okay, with the recent improvements on his behavior and the details of his life that I happened to discover- it is an injustice to put him in a specific category because I was wrong for judging him with my own observations alone.

I finally decided to move on with this quest to know his gender because there's no point in all that. I will not cross the boundary of friendship because he is my sister's friend and I'm like a sister to him. I think he can be a great friend if we would be given the chance to get to know each other with more than the facts we both learned from others about our lives.

Being perceptive about guys and their behavior was never my forte in the first place and I might as well shut up in this department. I've been with gay friends for too long which might have influenced my opinion somehow. Well, I promise to change it and give them a chance to tell me who they are before jumping into any conclusions starting today.

Here's to a new outlook in men. Bow. May the men that I meet show their true colors for the goodness of humanity.

The one with stitch by stitch

2011-09-28T19:23:00.000+08:00

This song by Javier Colon in The Voice really fits my current life. Earlier I had to tear up all the papers from my previous work to start anew. It was therapeutic to say the least. I was deeply involved in it that I didn't notice the roomie hanging in the same room. We talked but it was "small talk" to put it mildly. It was more like me trying to have a conversation with him and he was not interested. Moody roomie. Or maybe he's thinking of the same thing about me. Anyway, I will start work tomorrow!

Yes! Tomorrow! How great is that? Not really. I have cough and flu plus my period. Fantastic right? Talk about great timing. I'm just thankful it wasn't last Monday when the virus was at its best. I was restless yesterday and from the previous days that I kept going from one place to another to browse stuff I need and I don't need. I feel like an alley cat who needs to constantly move or I would become a statue. Anyway, I'll be posting the pictures below to show some of the sights and stuff I've been eyeing on lately to entertain myself and avoid he-who-must-not-be-named.

The McDonald's branch in Marina Square has this sign in front of me while I was enjoying my hot fudge sundae and iced tea. Again, I forgot that their "large" is not the usual large in Manila but the biggie one like in Wendy's. Anyway, I managed to finish it while walking outside again.

This was the only picture I had on my first flight to Manila alone. I had to go home for my Lola's funeral. This moment is special to me. It was right before the plane took off and I swore to myself that I would leave all the bad memories in Singapore to start a new one when I come back. I will strive to be a better person for my family and for myself. I want to be positive now. Here's to the new me.

This is the book I wanted to buy but due to budget constraints, I had to glance at it longer than necessary and stayed happy and contented for not spending a penny.

This was before my interview with the present employer. Nice view but I was time-pressured and I just took a quick shot of it. I had to apply face powder before and after the "smoke" break. What a nerve-wracking day!

The view from the bench I was sitting on while eating/drinking the mango-flavored slushie. It was weird to drink the mango-flavored syrup in the shake but to eat the mango-flavored ice cream at the same time? Not recommended. You'll end up with the mango-flavored ice that you can't eat and drink!

I took a picture of this while watching a girl who's eating alone like I am on the other bench.

I was envying this guy who is about to go home from work when I am lost and had nowhere to go on this day. He doesn't look like he has a girlfriend though so I felt relieved. There is balance in this world, after all.

I bought this when I was dying of boredom and can't buy anything affordable...headbands!!! Now, remind me again not go shopping when under extreme stress and boredom. I might buy something I can't afford and I'll end up bankrupt and homeless. I admit it, I am an infrequent and impulsive buyer (with the tone of an AA member).

My housemate just arrived and my sister will probably be here in the next few minutes. I better finish this!

'Til my next misadventures!

The one with the disturbing news

2011-09-02T00:41:00.002+08:00

To my surprise, roomie made a news about seeing my Burmese friend. He added that my friend said he misses me. It was a good thing that my common sense was still working at the time and I replied with "Tell him I miss him too" because I knew it was a joke. There is no way that my friend from work would say that to a stranger.

He laughed when I finally told him I know he's making fun of me again. He really believes that I had a crush on my Burmese friend from work. Not only that, I think the rest of my housemates do. I told my gay house mate that I'm simply fascinated with him. My gay friend said it's because he's mysterious. No, not really. He's like a younger brother I never had and I miss him.

I never had a brother and that's when I realized that the initial crush was purely my desire to have a brother. I was like a sister who cares about him when we accidentally left him during lunch or who asked how his calls were when he seemed to be in one of his mood swings.

Nobody knew I was a sister to him too with the way he advised me not to drink too much on my gay friend's party. Nobody knew that I was the sibling who cares about him more than his sister ever did who just left him and got married in Netherlands. Nobody knew that I listened to him like a sister does when nobody seemed to be interested in the story he wanted to tell yet he kept quiet in the background. I was the sister who constantly asked him about his life when everyone was too occupied with their own lives while speaking in our native language. I miss him in a way that I'm wondering who is listening to him nowadays when no one seemed to care about him at work.

I wish someone would bother to notice that he's a caring, gentle and patient person who would be beside you when the going gets tough. He never bothered to send me a text message after I left and never remembered to call me although he knows my number but I know even in the short time that we became friends, he treated me like a sister. I appreciate all the little gestures he did while I was working there like how he always made an effort to open the door for us, how he carried our things when necessary, how he bothered to give his seat when we have nothing to sit on during training and how he made me feel special by staying with me during the tough times when I was going insane at work.

He was special to me like a brother and I'll always remember him that way. No matter how silly my roomie thinks he is. He is one of those friends that I enjoyed having around although he has a different race, although he has a thick Burmese accent and although he doesn't seem to understand me all the time.

I hope roomie gets a good sleep with that snide remark. He passed by to go to the bathroom earlier and I didn't even look at him. It was not a good joke for me and I hope he understood it. He should think of his future jokes because it's not as funny as it seems.

colbie caillat - rainbow NICE song with lyrics

2011-08-25T02:10:00.000+08:00

I'm getting addicted to this song...a nice rainbow song that delighted my negative zero heart.

I had a "second-round" interview earlier and it was just fine. As usual, there were no signs from the blank faces of the interviewers. Not even a glimpse of hope that I would be hired or considered for the position. I'm still hoping for a miracle.

I was praying loudly earlier and talking to myself. I didn't know one of our housemates was in her room because she's absent due to a headache. Good thing she woke up late. I'm not sure if she heard me reading my cover letter out loud or when I was talking to myself. Talk about embarrassing moments! Anyway, I had fun spending time with her than being alone. We watched funny Korean games on TV and it was pure laughter. A breather in my overly boring day.

Meanwhile, the room mate is still mysterious as ever. A friend of his came to stay here for a couple of days who must have been my most hated person in the previous life. I meant, how can roomie be friends with such an ass???

When his friend was asked about the reason for a gay friend’s philandering habits, his only answer was this, “It is a man’s nature to seek different partners because it all depends on the performance.”

Wow. For such a short time, my impression of him was turned upside down. I kept quiet as a respect to roomie and to him as our guest. On a normal getting-to-know day with a stranger, I would have given him a tongue-lashing paragraph. I would have insulted him with questions he would never imagine I can say in front of him. I told myself to calm down despite the beer effects because it was a drinking session.

It took me a few minutes to recover so all I did was smoke a few cigarettes, change the topic and move on. In some parts of the conversation, I was teased by the gay friend that the visitor is available and roomie laughed. Roomie made a joke that I might run into the room because of the teasing. How did he know about my little escape moments from the few men in my life? Maybe it was my sister and her big mouth.

I replied with another joke that made them all laugh to avoid further embarrassment. It’s a good thing I only had 2 cans of beer or I would have blurted everything that’s on my mind and made a fool of myself. I cannot believe I endured that evening. You wouldn’t really know your limits until you reach the edge of madness. I gave up after drinking the last sip of beer and called it a night.

The visitor left yesterday and I’ve never been happier. I’m stressed enough as it is with my life, my family and my career, which is going nowhere. In the midst of all these, I realized His presence. I got a call from a headhunter earlier for a position I’d love to have after talking to Him about giving me a sign. It must be His response. Thank you for the wake-up call!

A friend told me once, "never question Him for whatever’s happening in your life". I know she’s right but lately I’ve been wondering how to go on each day not knowing what will happen tomorrow or the day after that. It is scary and for the first time I felt like I am stuck in a hole, unable to escape or move. I am tired of crying because it’s not getting me anywhere. I am tired of showing a happy face when I’m so empty inside. I never thought I would be in the position wherein I am having a battle with myself.

There are moments when I hate hearing laughter from others yet it makes me feel good when I’m part of it. It reduces the stress but after a while when reality sinks in, I go back to the sad zone again.

I am trying my best to be okay because I know everyone here is concerned as well as family back home. I miss the old life back home where I can sit back, relax and laugh at my unfortunate events for real. I miss chatting with friends who listen. I miss not caring what will happen tomorrow.

This must be what growing up is all about.

The one with "What I Wanted To Say"

2011-08-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

I found this video in YouTube and it just fits my mood right now...I miss FRIENDS and here's to a decade of laughter:

The one with the songs

2011-08-10T18:18:00.000+08:00

With my uncombed hair, dripping from the shower, I got out of the bathroom and entered the living room this morning, only to be surprised by his presence. I was surprised because it's about 9:30 AM and he is already awake when he doesn't have work. It was like a video in MTV for a soundtrack of a movie where the sun is shining too brightly on him and I was at a loss for words and clueless on what I should do next while clutching my dirty clothes and towel.

I muttered a hello and mentioned it's a surprise to see him so early. He said almost the same thing and he just woke up and can't sleep anymore. He was snoring when I left our shared room so what happened while I was in the shower? His girl friend probably called him and woke him up because my chatty sister told me he went out this afternoon to help his friend look for a place or something.

Anyway, he was acting weird this morning. He asked where my interview will be and helped me locate it in the website then he kept playing the OPM songs which he never did. The songs. Uhhh...the songs were mostly love songs by bands which were all about a person yearning for the love of another who doesn't look at him or her the same way. It was creepy. He was even singing out loud in the background while cooking omelette and toasting the bread.

After smoking one cigarette and spraying myself with my favorite perfume, I dashed towards the nearest exit. He got out from the kitchen and asked if I'm already leaving because he just cooked omelette for breakfast. I mumbled about having difficulty finding a cab and ran for dear life.

"That was close." I don't need this kind of crap before an interview. Thank goodness, the mind over matter worked or I would have blabbed on and on with the new potential employer.

If he's happy with his love life, he can shout it to the whole world and sing merry songs for all I care but would it be alright if he does it when he's alone? His indifference is preferable to this mode. I think I'm going to throw up if I see him singing love songs again.

Being asked by my sister and friends to date a friend's friend is another but seeing my roomie with the love bug is utterly unacceptable. I might decide to go home soon if this continues to happen. Love is great but it's not for me. Not this time. I'm happy for the rest of humanity but I am better off alone right now.

Demi Lovato Everytime You Lie Music Video

2011-08-02T15:36:00.000+08:00

A different side of Demi Lovato.

I enjoyed listening to this video. Cute! :)

The one with in between

2011-08-02T02:43:00.004+08:00

Have you ever experienced the feeling like the world is passing you by yet you're stuck in the same place? I call it being in the "in between" period. I am undergoing this phase again. I am lost in the solitary moments of nothingness. I am a slave of my lazy mood swings and restless feet.

The busy streets of Singapore comforted my dark and empty soul this afternoon. After a sweaty interview with a Japanese girl in a bank at 11 AM, I gave myself some time to breathe by eating an early lunch and smoking 2 sticks outside Harbourfront to prepare myself for the inevitable meeting with the 2 persons who hired me in my first job here who also took them away.

I gathered my nerves and headed to the place that had been familiar to me from the last 2 months. My manager was cold as ice. She tried to show compassion by telling me she advised the headhunter to look for another job for me and I lost all the hurtful words in my head. I remembered uttering thanks to her and then left in just a few seconds.

I have never felt like a burglar who got caught stealing cheese. What have I ever done to deserve this treatment? She tried showing me she still cared yet I did not feel a thing.My open-mindedness kicked in and I was thinking it's either she's a hypocrite or I became as cold as an iceberg that would take years to thaw.

After this intense scene, I went to the headhunter's office and surrendered my card. It was like giving a part of my soul to a stranger. I displayed nonchalance as I gave up my memories in the card. I kept telling myself, "You already had both sides of the card scanned and the copy is in your hard disk. There's no use crying over a stupid card that has your name and job description on it."

This chant worked while I was in the building. It was another matter when I left the area. I found myself walking in Orchard Road although I do not enjoy being alone at a time like this. I was lost in the sea of people who are walking by with a purpose. I was there but my head is in another universe.

There's this inner feeling of loss that I can't seem to get rid off. It's definitely not the same as losing a loved one but it has half the impact. I know they are words written on a card but it had a sentimental value to me.

When I was a kid, I had a difficult time throwing old test papers away because I knew I worked hard on them. I got over the anxiety after seeing the unreadable handwriting because the paper turned almost yellow, similar to a historical document.

Anyway, my mind kept butting in, telling me the idea of walking without any direction is insane while my heart kept saying that it's the best thing to do at the moment. I was fighting with myself in the MRT. This is probably one of the craziest things I've ever done. It's a good thing the conversation in my head was not heard of by anyone or else I would have been arrested by the police here thinking I escaped from the mental institution nearby.

I drowned myself in the only thing that would comfort me in the midst of all these--books. As usual, I got lost but it's very minimal compared to the previous experiences. My heart was singing Allelujah when I smelled the aroma of new books wafting in the air. It's like the spiritual feeling in a church except this one's for my psychological satisfaction. It was like coming home and smelling my Mom's home-cooked meals.

I've browsed thru various books that my hands could grab on. I was planning to buy this bookmark to commemorate the day of my demise. I carried the thing for a few minutes and thought it's weird to buy a bookmark worth almost $7 without any book. I searched for a book in the bargain but I can't seem to find one that I like. Eventually I got tired of it and decided to leave the store without any damage to my Nets.

It took all my willpower to get out of the store without any item on hand. This must be what they call "maturity". It's full of crap. I decided to go home since it's almost 5 PM. Before going home, I seemed to feel this heaviness in my head.

I am tired of my long hair. My mind was buzzing with ideas on the type of haircut to have. All of a sudden, I am excited to do something with my hair. Before this event happened, I had to smoke again. Stressful day.

I finally got the courage to walk again and found--a barber shop. Whoa. Hold on. I cannot possibly get a haircut there. No way.

I walked back and forth in the surrounding area and there's no salon to cut my rope-like hair. It seemed to be a huge burden at the time because it's getting too hot. I cannot breathe with my long hair! It needs to be shortened-badly. I asked one sales person from Watson's--of all places--if she knows any salon in the area. She can't help but smile and said no. I looked like an idiot and was given a no. Ding, ding, ding! Time's up. Enough of the crazy ideas.

With sagging shoulders, I went home and settled on the couch. I didn't know Roomie was still there. I was staring at nothing with the fan blowing at my face because I am overheating from too much walking; I'm definitely not a jogger anymore. I immediately grabbed my cell to avoid further interrogations of the inner turmoil in my fat head.

He had this bed-rumpled hair and unfocused eyes that spelled "I just woke up". I muttered something like "I didn't know you're there."

To make the long story short, I ended up giving him a summary of the interview and then shared a bit about the cold manager. He replied with, "She's like that all the time, right?" I just agreed to end the conversation.

The huge silence was deafening. It would've been better if I talked to myself. I would have gotten more answers than I was expecting from him. He is about to go to work and I understand that as an excuse.

If he really didn't have time, he should have continued his daily routine and ignored me completely. It would have been better that way instead of leaving me with an impression of being judged which was the last thing on my list of most hated emotions after all the emotional roller coaster I've been through.

I should have listened to my instinct and did not tell him about my awesome day.

My sister, the best listener of all, gave me lectures about doing this and that. Roomie and my sister must have been siblings in their past life because the only difference they have when it comes to being judgmental is that my sister puts them into words and he keeps his mouth shut.

I don't like puzzles if it's not in apps or real-life games. Too much stress is giving me ulcers and I'm having a hard time sleeping. I want to curse and break plates but it wouldn't do anything. More than anything, my pride was hurt. Being fired was one thing but being judged by my own sister and roomie, it's too much to handle.

If they're robbers, I just want to surrender. I am tired of playing. Please rob me as fast as you can so we can get it over and done with.

Is it too much to listen to someone? Or maybe it's just me. I always relied on people when the going gets tough. I haven't been alone when a storm hits the center of TEQUILA. She's always been with a lemon who will listen to her rants and raves.

Maybe this is another lesson for me. I should learn to survive on my own because I've always depended on others for support. I should learn to cope up without broadcasting my never-ending complaints and traumatic events.

Sometimes a girl who got her knees bruised, needs to rest in between the surprise of getting wounded and the realization that it would leave a scar to put her life back together.

The one with moving forward

2011-07-24T15:31:00.002+08:00

When I woke up today, I had this surge of energy to get over my dramatic life. I planned to make myself busy. I cleaned the house, threw out the trash, did the laundry and drank coffee while smoking. I know it's not good for me due to ulcer effects but it seemed to work. I drank 1 can of beer last night and it didn't do the trick. I just ate loaf with Nutella this morning to keep my numb heart alive.

I am tired of feeling down. This is probably my way of coping up with stress.

Hope it helps because I don't know what else will.

The one with failure

2011-07-23T00:52:00.002+08:00

My colleague once asked me thru the chat at work:

"Why is it so difficult to be happy?"

I answered:

"They say happiness is a state of mind. Maybe if we think we are happy,eventually we will. Besides, being sad gives us wrinkles, we wouldn't want that, do we?"

It was like a funny remark at that time and right now I badly needed to hear it from someone who can make me laugh even for a few seconds.

I failed the third test call at work and I am not sure of the upcoming events. The trainers told me it will depend on the managers' decision on Monday. I asked them if I still need to report to work next week and they had this funny look on their faces before saying, "Of course and the managers will let us know how to proceed."

My sister accompanied me in the walk of failure in Dhoby Ghaut. We had a little fight about eating dinner because she refused to join me in my stress-relieving hobby of eating when I'm feeling down. She said she's starting this new diet but she'll accompany me in my misery.

So much for company. I should have eaten dinner by myself because it would not make any difference. Her presence was like a shadow that doesn't speak any words of comfort nor willing to lend an ear. It simply follows me around but that's the end of it.

This must be one of the lowest days of my life. No. This would probably be the lowest point of my entire life.

I used to have depressing days but there are friends I can count on to listen or will hang out with me anywhere like a coffee shop and the world will be full of hope again.

What have I done last year to deserve this karma today?

Miserable encounters on my favorite day-Friday:

-Failed UAT.

-Headache due to first day of the red sea.

-Tons of work assigned by colleagues who didn't seem to notice I'm drowning in cases to follow up.

-Embarrassing moment in the bus when I almost fell after removing my hand from the railing when I was about to yawn.

-Telling a colleague that I failed UAT and seeing her look of surprise then walking away from me after giving a nod.

-Admitting to the trainers that I'm not feeling well and telling them I understand it's not an excuse.

-Being a liar by saying "I'm fine" to the trainer who asked how I'm feeling after giving me hideous comments about the call like I'm one of the casts in the "Biggest Loser" show.

-Waiting for colleagues with the hope of unwinding after work then realizing it's not going to happen.

-Excited for dinner at a restaurant with my gay house mates then receiving a call from one of them that it's canceled.

-Crying like a baby in the TV series and making an excuse that I was affected by the death of the mother in the show although reality hit me when I realized I'd probably lose my job next week!

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Why is it so difficult to be happy???

Is it because we expect too much? Does it come with a price all the time? Am I being too impatient? Should we always end up broken inside to experience joy?

If this is a test from Him, I must look like a tiny dot in His eyes now. I am tired of all these chaos and it never seemed to end. I am afraid that one day I will become addicted to the materialistic motivations of the people around me. I am afraid that it will turn me into a gadget hogger and branded freak. I am afraid that this experience will turn me into someone else that I would not recognize in the mirror.

I am afraid of tomorrow and the days that will come-the unknown scares me the most. Unanswered questions puzzle me and it makes me feel helpless.

Lord, can we have a break from all the extra challenge days? We can continue this some other time and I'll be more prepared but today I am almost batt empty.

The one with the funny moments

2011-07-22T00:06:00.001+08:00

With all the stress and catastrophe at work, I can't help but think of the funny moments I've had with my roomie to keep me sane. There was one funny moment that I can recall which nobody knows--I woke up during my "sleep- talk" at around 4 or 5 AM on my first day at work, which was probably due to stress. I remember myself mumbling about asking him to hurry up so he can get done with "it".

I was referring to taking a bath because 4 of us will take a bath in the morning for work. Two have a shift at 8:30 and the other 2, which was him and me, at 9 AM. I cannot forget the startled look on his face when I blurted out those words. It looked like he was looking for the clothes he'll wear for work in his cabinet and just glanced in my direction when I started to speak.

When the realization of the stupidity came to me, I turned my back on him in bed and pulled up the covers to hide my face like I'm dreaming--except I'm wide awake after the incident and just fell asleep again after a few minutes.

He never asked me about it. He never even brought up the subject. It would've been better if he made a joke out of it or told the story to our housemates but he didn't mention a word. Anyway, it's ancient history now.

Another funny story was on his last day before he went for a vacation. He usually goes to the bathroom first because his new shift starts at 8 AM. I heard that someone's in the shower so I was half-lying in the couch and continued my sleep. I heard him open the door of the bathroom and after a few seconds when I thought he was already in the bedroom, I stood up. It was so dark that when I opened my eyes, I was blinded by the sudden brightness of the light when he turned it on. He was surprised too and said he didn't know I was there. I didn't see much of him but I heard panic in his voice. He said he was about to get dressed in the living room. Duh? Like I would care if he's in his underwear because I'm blind and grouchy in the morning to think about anything else.

He probably brought his clothes there because it's too cold inside the room. I used to get dressed in the laundry room although it has a glass door because nobody can see me there when it's too early in the morning. This incident wasn't funny then because I hate seeing bright lights when I wake up. I rely on the lamp posts outside and rarely turn on the lights when I walk towards the bathroom. I must have been a vampire in my past life. It's the only explanation I can think of.

Today's the last day of my solitary days in our shared room. He will be back tomorrow and my "alone" time is going to be a wonderful memory. With all the stress at work, I could probably care less if he walks around in his boxers or briefs. I'm simply too tired to care. His boyish acts are funny but the mysterious part of it- not my cup of tea.

The one with woodlands

2011-06-26T23:34:00.000+08:00

I woke up early to meet my friends from my previous job in Woodlands and watch a friend in a cheerdance competition. It was a gathering of Filipinos in SG. An exhilarating adventure that led me to know 2 more people who made me feel how lucky I am in this life. Although my friend's team lost in the competition, it was worth it to wake up early on a Sunday morning because I saw her do the booty shake! I had tons of fun which was followed by a coffee moment with my gay friend. We had a loooong chat about our lives and I am so glad I decided to meet them despite lacking enough sleep. It was like a patient talking to her psychiatrist for free. All my burdens from the last few days have been lifted somehow. My most recent family problem was a huge surprise and I am clueless as to how to respond to this new challenge He gave me. I am planning to face it soon but for now I'd rather keep my silence until my mind is clear enough to understand how I should solve them. Time to sleep!

The one with the bridge

2011-06-19T02:29:00.002+08:00

We walked for a few kilometers today near Mountbatten and my sister along with another housemate shared with me this amazing bridge with a great view of the city at night. It was the view I was seeing whenever I go home from work. The bridge has the clean and peaceful river underneath it which made it perfect. I never thought these little things like walking in the bridge would remove all the stress I had for the whole week. I didn't even feel bored even though there were silent moments during the walk. The scenery was very serene and calm. The evening was like a dream and taking a picture of it was satisfying although it's far from the real magic it brings to those who found its beauty.

The one with blessings

2011-06-15T22:34:00.000+08:00

My sister got a good news today. She was offered to start with her new job with an unexpectedly generous salary although it's only for 3-4 months at a prestigious bank. She was literally jumping with joy (I can't believe it myself with her weight but she did). God is great!

I met a lot of Filipino team mates who were nice and friendly. One of them even offered to include me in their Poker games every Saturday because they need one more player. I just smiled, not knowing how to respond. It was overwhelming to be invited to join them and to be a part of a new group again.

I was caught using my mobile phone without the headset on earlier when I did the buddy-up. I just smiled because I don't think the Indian trainer would believe my explanation anyway. The truth was, the agent is already assigning the ticket and simply letting the caller know about it. The call is almost done and I had just removed the headset. It was an unlucky incident since I've been looking out for the hawk since morning and she still saw me when I had just pulled out my phone from my pocket. Good thing I haven't added her in FB yet. Moving forward, I'll make sure to avoid these lousy moments. The blessings are still getting better and better.

I miss my family and friends whenever I ride the bus alone. The great view of the bridge connecting the land with all the tourist spots in between was wonderful but it's not the same without any of them. I always have my headset in my ears with the usual songs that remind me of the past to keep me company. It soothes the homesickness somehow. Specific songs remind me of different moments with them and it's enough for now. I kept telling myself that soon I'll see all of them and life will be the same again. There's no room for sadness when there's an unknown time to be happy about the great things in between.