A Simple yet Complicated Life

Three Times the Confusion

2011-05-29T11:50:00.002+08:00

I know... it's been ages since I shared something in the web. Maybe I just lost interest or don't want to be misinterpreted which happens most of the time.

Last week was same as the previous ones - toxic, except for two events:

1. There was a Sagala theme day in the office, and the group chose to join... and we won! :) Thanks to everyone who made it possible. One thing that made me stressed out was the "requirement" of dressing up. I think it's more stressful than attending meetings and making reports, just because I am not used to it.

I knew of the requirement on Tuesday and the event was on Friday. I didn't do anything though until Wednesday afternoon after I got confirmation. Got a cellphone number from a co-worker but hesitated to go there because of the rent price - 1k for a gown rent?! But I just had to do it because it's part of the judging criteria.

I didn't get any response from the contact but I just can't go out because of work requirements. It was only Thursday afternoon that I am forced to look for a dress. Went to three shops before I got the first dress that matched the "requirement" - Filipiniana which was also cheaper. What's funny and embarrassing though was what happened before that. Being the "lampa" that I am, I tripped on a hump and saw myself almost kissing the asphalt road in Bajada. That caused my injury which I have until yesterday (It still hurts but already bearable).

Anyway, the event pushed through with me in a brown modern filipiniana dress, made up which is very uncommon. Almost everyone liked how I looked but I was just uncomfortable with it. Oh well, our team won so I think it's worth it. :)

2. I was chatting with my boss when she suddenly asked me questions that lead to an offer. Then I was told that it was announced in a meeting. Confused, I asked a long-time friend for advise. He gave some but I am not satisfied. Talked to one of my mentors and he made me think more, most especially when he mentioned that he'd love me to be his partner in crime. I was not forced to give an answer so I told myself to wait for it to be asked again. Later that day, she sent me an email regarding her plans. It made me more confused but made me smile.

I have not reached a concrete decision yet because all have its pros and cons. My decision may literally change my life.

Anyway, I still have the whole day to think of it. Tomorrow's a new week and I'm looking forward to challenges that it will bring. I might have felt exhaustion at times, but pressures and stress give me this sort of vibe to face it more.

Last Working Day of 2010

2011-01-23T10:25:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I posted something here. I tried a couple of times but didn't manage to finish something. Basically, it was work that ate my time and the stress and exhaustion around it.

Before I left for Manila last Christmas, my life was blank - boring was an understatement. I didn't have anything to do except work, and put too much effort on it. You might ask why, but I can't really tell. Getting messages from friends in Manila for reunions/get togethers/meetups made me more than excited. At last, I'll get my life back! That's what I was, going out with friends, eating, chatting and singing with them were just some activities we do.

After the Christmas eve service at church, I went to Damosa to buy cake for my team and eat dinner. Then went back to work to finish a report due that day. Nothing special in the office, aside from the Christmas dinner. Greeted everyone a Merry Christmas at midnight, posted greetings in twitter and talked to a friend who's in Saudi through Skype. For a while, I felt that I was an OFW too... no families nor long-time friends around, just workmates and newly-found friends. Also ate with the GY members to at least feel that I have family that night.

Then came 2am. Still working on my report, I received a phone call and email message that calls coming in are way above the forecast that they need our team to help. So I asked the team to take in calls until further notice. The call volume was so high that made the site director go the office and check on things. Stress was in the air again, i told myself. What made it more stressful is the "magnified mistakes" made by the members. Good thing I was there, if not, there would be attrition on Christmas day.

Instead of my plan of just finishing the report and rest the whole night, my last day in Davao was just like any other day in the office, full of pressure. Well, this is what I chose and love to do, so be it and bring it on! \m/

A Dream

2010-08-30T21:10:00.001+08:00

I can’t remember the last time I had a dream as vivid as what happened last Sunday.

I was looking at a wide, green field then saw the man I secretly love driving a tricycle with lots of food, children and his current love as passengers. It is observed that he’s struggling in driving. The tricycle just passed by but he looked at me.

The next “scene” was in a room with a make-up artist. I was wearing a wedding gown and preparing for my wedding. After putting on my veil, I noticed that it touched my lips causing a lipstick stain on it. I called the attention of the make-up artist but she said that it’s just okay then I went down the stairs.

It was “bitin” but I woke up smiling and I don’t know why.

IM Crew

2010-08-08T16:40:00.001+08:00

Try this...

http://www.imcrew.com/?r=504996

Slap!

2010-07-27T20:25:00.005+08:00

Daydreaming. Talking to myself. Asking myself why I am doing this. Slapping my own face.

Yeah, again and again and again... Talking about craziness, huh? These are the times that I hate myself for thinking about him and my craziness on him. No matter I tell myself that nothing will ever happen, even if I constantly ask for His help, the devil knows how to make me weak, touching my emotions big time.

Fighting myself each time I see him. Sometimes I win, most of the time I don't. Then again, the slapping comes in.

I have to tell myself that this will go nowhere. I have to let go... I've been suffering for so long, long enough to build a new self to accommodate new whatevers.

Well, for now I have to slap my face hard enough to wake up in this daydreaming... *slap*

Forgiven

2010-07-22T13:24:00.005+08:00

A confessed FB addict, I opened my account one night and saw one post in my news feed. There were comments posted on one status update on a baby girl that was born the day before.

Curious on who that new parent is, I opened the link only to find out that it was my ex. I smiled while looking at the pictures. I didn't even know why I smiled. I was alone (as always) in my hotel room so i didn't have to pretend.

Then I realized... yes, I really forgave him. I don't know when it started but I am very sure that I can look at him in the eye and not see a reflection of me full of anger. I was actually happy for him because he wanted a girl for his first born. His mom's name was even part of the little angel's.

Eleven years with him was very fruitful. We've learned things from each other -- but I learned more from him. A part of what I am now is because of him. God gave him to me not to be a husband but his instrument for me to know Him. That alone made it worth it.

I am looking forward to meet him and his family in the near future. Yes, he is forgiven.

Him Alone

2010-06-05T23:26:00.003+08:00

Been through a bunch of trials in the past weeks which made me go back the only one that I need.

God revealed to me what He wants me to hear:

He will never leave nor forsake me
He will be my shield in every battle I face
Everything will come in His time, with His will
What I need is Him and no one or nothing will ever replace his place
Our goal in life is to please Him and everything will follow

I now forgive those people who wronged me, even if they don't ask for it. Whatever that was said and done is not entirely your fault. I have my share of the blame.

I also ask forgiveness to everyone I wronged, be it intentional or not. Being insensitive sometimes hit me big time.

My prayer is for people I know to realize the same thing. That the Lord is just waiting for them to call His name. May they feel tremendous joy in coming to His presence. Amen.

Please ayoko na...

2010-06-05T09:57:00.002+08:00

can we stop this? please...

Hay, "kids!"

2010-05-27T23:18:00.001+08:00

yun lang... shoutout lang! (even short than the max number of characters in twitter -- not including this of course, haha!)

Now I Know...

2010-05-23T13:46:00.002+08:00

With the series of events last week, I realized something - I am in a real battle. There's war... and war is everywhere

My Sadness Behind Everyone's Happiness

2010-05-13T20:35:00.001+08:00

We'll have our much-awaited Team Building tomorrow. I'd really love to hang out with them as just a normal person and not their boss. Besides, i feel less of it now than before.

One of my loved staff will leave the department and transfer to a team wherein he can do what he loves to do. I've always wanted him to pursue it but not leave the team :(

There are two major things that I feel bad about this; one he's one of the team's assets and it would be very very hard to look for his replacement and another is I knew it not from him.

I don't want to really burst out because it will be misinterpreted as not letting him grow as a person and a professional. It will be so unbecoming of a Supervisor. But then, why from us?

In a few minutes, I would tell him how I feel about his decision, not for him to stay but for me to let him know how everyone in this team is valued (for as long as trust is not broken)

2010-05-02T19:01:00.001+08:00

Click daw for extra income... totoo kaya?

http://www.clixsense.com/?3169747

what i was thinking before i went to sleep last night :(

2010-04-21T08:19:00.000+08:00

when i see you, i know you are special, but i also know that someone's making you feel that way.
i know that i can make you happy but problem is, someone's doing that already.

i've always wanted to let go of this crazy feeling but your face, your voice, your touch, ahh... i just can't help it. you're just there, you just don't go...

loving you from a distance makes me happy and sad at the same time. happy because it's you and sad because i can't express it in any way.

until now i'm struggling to let go... it's not doing any good to me. lines from eponine's "on my own" are very much applicable to me

"i love him, but when the night is over
he is gone, the river's just a river
without me, his world will go on turning
the trees are there and everywhere, the streets are full of strangers"

but now, i still love you and a small part of me is still hoping that you feel the same...

Free Boracay Package

2010-04-03T21:51:00.002+08:00

Win a Free Boracay Vacation Package by WOW Philippines Travel Agency

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- Flights to Boracay from Manila to Caticlan Airport on Philippine Airlines
- Island Transfers - Door-to-Door from Manila to the resort and back to Manila
- Three (3) Meals each day, Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner
- Boracay Activities - Horseback Riding, Island Hopping, Glass Bottom Boat
- PLUS - 5,000 peso Spending Cash

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Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2010-01-24T12:11:00.001+08:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family history - Free family tree software

My thoughts_January 21

2010-01-21T20:48:00.002+08:00

1. I am scared of what will happen in our department this time... what will happen to me? will I be left behind again... for the 3rd time?

2. I feel jealous with someone... wish he's doing it to me... :(

Shoutout_January 12

2010-01-12T21:05:00.001+08:00

I don't want to say this but for me that's good news!

To You (yes, you!)

2010-01-01T10:19:00.003+08:00

Hello! This is a different way of starting my new year... heartache. He's the first person that came to my mind after midnight for some reason so I composed this letter just for him.

To you, just read it... that is if you know that it's you I am referring to...

_________________________________

Dear Mister,

I never thought of writing you this love letter knowing that nothing romantic will ever happen between the two of us.

I only knew you by name before, a nobody to be exact. Just an ordinary employee. But then we knew each other after some time. Then I fell…

Never in my wildest imagination that I will fall for someone like you. What’s hard is it is very impossible for us to be together yet, I keep on loving you.

Tried so many times to just forget my feelings. Besides, nothing will happen anyway knowing you and your current state. I also believe that loving someone is all about choices, not only emotions. The big problem is a part of me still longs for you and only you.

It is hard to just look at you from afar, happy but not because of me. I want so bad to show you how much I love and care about you, how I long to make you happy. I know in my heart that I can give more but…

I might be praying for the impossible though nothing is impossible with God but you are still in my prayers. If you are really not what God will give, then let that man show up now so that I would not suffer every time I see, talk or communicate with you.

One thing that I would like to tell you… with all my heart, I love you.

Goodbye, Almost Lover

2009-12-27T20:58:00.004+08:00

I was on my way to the dentist one afternoon when I heard a new song over the taxi's radio. Curious with the song, I listened to the words and suddenly heard myself singing along... one of those very rare moments, I told myself.

The term 'almost lover' may differ in meaning for each person. It may be someone you are courting but got basted, or your MU (mag-un!), or a friend whom you fell in love with, or someone you are just looking from afar.

I relate myself with this song because I really want him to be happy but know that I can't give it to him. Why? Simply because I'm not the one he loves.

I decided to let go of this feeling more than a month ago but it came back... not liking it at all.

It's hard loving someone from a distance. I so want to show how much care and love I can give but knowing his current state, it's almost impossible.

One thing that I am thankful of is I learned to keep my feelings to myself...

Anyway, here's the song...

and the lyrics

Goodbye My Almost Lover

You fingertips against my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you’re gone and I’m haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy for you

To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I’m trying not to think about you

Can’t you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Why again?

2009-12-17T21:22:00.002+08:00

I am trying my very best, of course with God's grace to let go of this feeling but why am I feeling it again? I can't be dragged by emotions to another heartache... i don't know if i am really strong enough to face another one.

I just want everything to be in order, no complications. But being human is complicated as is and that's where the problem comes in. It is a complete package of you and everything inside and outside of you.

Help me Lord, please help me in letting go of this feeling... this can't be!

Bothered...

2009-12-06T20:01:00.004+08:00

It's already 2am, have to wake up at 6:30 for the Sunday Service... well, I have a couple of reasons:

1. I'm playing Plants vs. zombies! heheh!

2. Trying out my Globe Tattoo... it works well but there are times that i can't access a thing

3. I want to post something that bothers me... and here it is:

In the coming days i'll go home to spend the holidays with my family. This is the 2nd year that i'm doing this, still associating with my past, huh?

Aside from the holiday season, I will also take time off from work for a week though I am 99% sure that I'll call my seniors once in a while.

It's also Alvin and Mhay's wedding on January 9. I'm so excited for both of them because i somewhat saw how the years went through them... they are also my friends, especially Mhay.

As expected, we will sing at the wedding and reception. And of course since my ex is part of the group, he's also invited and he will definitely bring along his wife. That's what i am worried about...

Again, don't get me wrong. I am not hoping that we'll be back -- that would be very very impossible because he's married. What I am worried is how i will react once i see him for the first time after the breakup more than a year ago. I know there's a bit of anger with everything that had happened and the damage that it made.

This will be my main prayer from here on...

Another Revelation

2009-11-02T20:21:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, my sister told me that our eldest sis finally showed up... with a plus. She carried a 4-month old baby which happened to be her child (gender was not specified). There's no dad, meaning, Ate doesn't have a husband. Now, two of my sisters are single moms. I am so blessed.

Pondering on what happened to my sisters made me realize how blessed I am. Though I don't have a love partner right now, at least I will not make innocent lives miserable because they don't have a dad. God must have been preparing this man to match my criteria (hehehe). Whoever that man is, he will be very very special. He must a good and loving father my children and a loving and protective husband to me. I will be his life partner and best friend - will give all my love and affection to our family and support him in every way I can. God will be the center of our lives, definitely.

Haaaaayyy, when will that be?

He's Married

2009-10-26T22:47:00.003+08:00

Yes. I just found out that my ex-boyfriend just got married a couple of weeks ago. Crap! I didn't know that I will feel something weird.

Don't get me wrong... I am not in love with him anymore and I can honestly say that. However, this keeps me asking when my man will come.

I know that God is preparing the best husband for me... someone who can sing or play an instrument with me, someone who is intelligent and can carry a conversation, not to mention that this guy should be financially, emotionally and spiritually ready. But I think i'm getting impatient already. I'm not getting any younger and I would like to be with someone who will spend my years with.

Lord, let this man come to my life.

Old pics... Beautiful Memories

2009-10-06T21:52:00.004+08:00

I opened my yahoo mail and accidentally clicked all the way to the earliest email saved... then i saw this email i from my company email... it was an email from Al... pictures pala namin on one of our Christmas parties which was held at Eric's house. It brought back beautiful memories...

http://good-times.webshots.com/album/556572952kXtSOU

hehehe!!! Enjoy! :)

Why?

2009-09-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

Why am I allowing myself to feel like this?
It's been a while since I realized something... it just happened, very unexpected.

I posted before that love is a matter of choice, not only feelings. This is what I've learned in my previous relationship and reviving my relationship with God.

I know what I feel is wrong because of soooo many reasons...but then again, here i am, feeling what I am currently feeling.

I just want this to end. Right here, right now. so easy to say, huh? May God help me. :)