A Slice of the Pie

Time flies when you're... what have I been doing?

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:06:00 +0000

Shoveling. I've been shoveling.

We have gotten over three feet of snow in just under two weeks. Now if I lived up in the mountains that wouldn't be so odd, but here in the armpit of America that is record-setting snowfall we're talking about. This winter we have seen more snow fall since they have been keeping track of that sort of thing.
The first storm treated us to light and fluffy 24 inch accumulation. Then a mere five days later we got hit with high winds and heavy, wet snow which totaled 15 inches. The weight of the snow brought trees and limbs down and knocked out power for many. Fortunately my property was spared, but there are many, many downed trees. Clean up continues more than a week after that storm. Just the other day we had one more storm with just a few inches of snow.

I don't care much for the cold as I've gotten older. Since that will probably only get worse, I have already decided that I am going to move further south. Like in about ten years when my youngest hits adulthood. Sure I had a great time sledding with the kids and shoveling is good exercise, but I think I can live without those things. Or at the very least, if I were ever wealthy enough, I could go visit some snow.

Besides that life has been a series of ups and downs, but with my new, awesome cowboy boots, I am ready to kick ass.

Marshmallows Roasting by the Space Heater

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:26:00 +0000

A Dear A letter

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:48:00 +0000

I can't believe this year is so close to over. I started the year in a really bad place mentally and though I have really weathered a lot of shit and grown immensely, I am not ready to slip into a new decade. 2010 sounds scary. Like the book, which I know I read, but can't recall a bit of. It's scary not remembering things. Plus 2010 brings a birthday milestone, albeit at the end of the year, but, sigh, sooo not ready.

The washcloth above was a gift for a friend whose 40th birthday I attended this past weekend. He and I went to school together and recently reconnected through Facebook. Have I mentioned before how much I love Facebook?

And I have more work to do on me and part of that is writing a letter. It's a letter I will never mail, but it needs to be written. It's sort of a Dear John letter, only it's not. Let's just say this is a letter to A.

Dear A,

Fuck you, you suck. You suck really bad. At first I liked you (loved you) and now, you just fuck with me. You are good at fucking things up, and I no longer want you in my life. You gave me things and then took them away. You took things that weren't yours to take. You sucked the life out of me leaving me but a shell. Powerless, defenseless. No more.

I hate you and I hate what you have done to me.

I hear you whispering to me. Calling my name. Begging me to change my mind. I can't, I won't and I have people in my life who will help protect me even when I am feeling weak. People who know love and how it is really supposed to feel.

From our soured relationship, I have learned that I don't need you. I am stronger than I thought I was. I am worth more than you made me believe. There is nothing you could do to be welcome in my life, ever again.

You were the darkness, and now I have light.

A cookie or a biscuit or whatever

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 13:36:00 +0000

I am just throwing a little something out here. Feed my blog a little so it doesn't just curl up and D.I.E.

Been busy working, living, camping (photo is from a 2-day camp out with 18 of our closest friends), healing (mentally and emotionally) and growing.

I do admit Face book steals my attention. I am all about the instant gratification. Post a link, type up an overly personal status update, get the top score on Bejeweled. People respond. It gets lonely out here in blog land with a small readership, and really I don't have any desire to be one of the big bloggers because oh, the pressure, and the hate mail. I am constitutionally incapable of handling that shit. I do admire those who have developed a network of blogging buddies and who can let the shit roll off. I still try to keep up with reading and commenting here and there.

The other evening I was down to just one kid, J-man. An eight year old kid who wanted to know how to say things in French. I googled a translation website where we proceeded to learn how to say one of my favorite homemade swear words: shit-muffins. And we learned how to say "I eat poop." Scatological in my house? You bet!

My oldest turns eighteen in 13 days and I am feeling some growing pains on that one. Can I really still like fart jokes and be the parent of an adult? You can be sure that is going to be the topic at a future session with my amazing therapist.

And I will wrap this up with a quote from J-man. The Big D had supposedly promised to have a Nerf battle with J-man on a certain day. The big day arrived and J-man gathered his weapons, ammunition and armor, laying it in a neat pile on the floor. And of course the Big D refused. J-man looked down at his Nerf gear and with wisdom and a seriousness that belied his age, he said, "Now all I have is a sad pile of promises."

Do try this at home

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:35:00 +0000

Every so often homeschooling and homeschoolers get some time in the spotlight.

(I tried getting this in here as a link but my computer isn't cooperating or I don't have the technical skills. Whatevs, here's the article I am referring to: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/09/28/confessions_homeschooler/index.html )

Even when the news is good, someone always points out the negatives. Lately, I've learned that when we seek the positive we are usually rewarded. Likewise, when we seek the negative we invariably find it. Why not look for the positive then?

In respect to homeschooling there is no one way to do it. No mold we are pressing our kids into. No guarantee of success or failure.

People who don't homeschool or don't personally know any homeschoolers frequently wonder what it's like. Even giving examples of a typical day does no justice to the wonderful aspects of this type of education.

The beauty of homeschooling for me is that each of us can march to the beat of our own drum, and we can even build our own drums to tap out the rhythm if the spirit moves us. Our band becomes diverse through connections we make with others and the harmony is enriched as we learn and grow together as a family.

Your results may vary.

P!nk

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:06:00 +0000

In ten days I am going to see Pink. I am beyond excited. My mom paid for my ticket as an early (months early) birthday gift. To make it even better, I am going with two of my sisters, one of which nudged my mom to make this my gift. Whoo-hooo!

Faith and Fear

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 02:15:00 +0000

I have been on a journey of a spiritual nature. Never having truly felt faith, only the rigors of organized religion, it's been a bumpy ride.

I was raised Roman Catholic. Been baptized. Stayed home from school to watch on TV when the Pope visited Philadelphia. Gave up things for Lent. Made the Sacraments. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

We didn't go to church every week, but I did attend a Catholic school for a bit, then continued my religious education in Catechism classes. When it was time to make Confirmation, I was denied by the Deacon. Denied. I was an impressionable pre-teen and took this very personally. Subsequently I rejected the church.

I went through a very long period of being agnostic and "dabbled" in atheism. I held onto many concepts and values I learned in the church; much of my religious education smacked of "brainwashing" to me, but it worked on many levels. Many of those values were at odds with what felt right to me, yet I clung to them, no matter how much they caused problems in my life.

I left the church behind but not the baggage.

Lately, though as I search for what is meaningful in my life, who I really am, and what my purpose is on the planet, I found myself questioning. Questioning a lot. And I have had some rather moving experiences that I am unable to explain using science alone.

I have opened my mind to what is possible and even to what seems impossible.

I don't know who god is, or if there really is a god, but I do know there is something in the universe bigger and more powerful than me.

Recently someone said that prayer is asking, and meditation is listening. Through daily meditation I have been listening, not knowing what to listen for. Last week I started asking for some things in my life to change. Things that I am sure that I alone cannot control. And I received an answer. It came during meditation. It was a gift that washed over me, filling me with warmth and a calm that I have never felt before in my life. A voice in my head that was not my own, spoke to me. And I was not alone.

A fear that I was harboring lifted. A worry that I obsessed over evaporated.

I am no longer afraid of what lies ahead.

I have found Faith.

In a Seussian frame of mind

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 13:49:00 +0000

I love Dr. Seuss. When people ask my favorite authors, he is near the top of the list. Great for the 6 year old in me and the grown up in me.

That said, I am working on a Dr. Seuss curriculum for J-Man, my eight year old, for school this year. There are so many ideas swirling in my head about this, and for the first time in a while I am excited for the new school year. Even though my other kids are older, I plan to wrangle them in on the rhyming fun.

Also this school year, my three youngest kids are signed up for a learning cooperative. One day a week they will take three to five classes, have lunch and go out to recess while I hang out with the other moms. Most of the other parents teach at least one class, but because this is our first year, I won't teach. I am really looking forward to this as are the kids.

Junior Firefighter has been pursuing his own interests. After graduating from his Fire I class and passing his state fire exam in June, he took Emergency Medical Technician training in July and August. His state exam was last week, but he doesn't know yet whether he passed. He is hoping to get a job at a local hospital in the Emergency Department once he turns 18 in November. Before that he is studying for the GED which he plans to take in October.

Been so long since I rock and rolled

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:07:00 +0000

It's been so long since I blogged that this feels weird. I have spent a good deal of the last nine months dealing with a lot of BIG things. For a while I pretended that I could handle it all, then I admitted I couldn't. And while it's hard to make that admission, it is the only reason that I feel like I am feeling normal again. Dealing instead of pretending. Coping instead of escaping.

There are still things that I want to run from and things that are getting tucked away to deal with at a later date. I still struggle to control things that are truly beyond my ability to control.

But I am learning and living.

Last week, feeling pretty low, I was alone watering my garden. The sun was getting low in the sky, and I took that time to breathe in the beauty and serenity. I was in search of a higher power. Out loud, I asked, "What higher power is there?" Expecting no answer, I turned back toward my garden and saw a rainbow. It was all the answer I needed at the time.

Fried computer, my just dessert

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:28:00 +0000

My computer died last week, not entirely unexpectedly since it had been humming and having trouble starting. It seems as though the power supply went and probably took out the motherboard. I don't know for sure yet, but I am pretty sure I still have all my data on my hard drive. I had planned to get an external hard drive to back up my files, but that never happened.

For now I have a new used computer set up. (Those days when I was without Internet were rough!) It cost $25 at the library used computer sale. I have no idea how long this computer will keep working, but it's working now, and that's all that counts.

Manic Monday

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:22:00 +0000

Driving down the road past a catering facility the other day, we saw a handful of people dressed in suits and dresses. The Big D says, "I could pull off a suit."

So Only Daughter says, "But could you pull off the dress?"

The Big D rolled right with the punches and says, "I don't know if I have the legs."

These kids- I just love them! I love that they are witty, wise and so open-minded!

But they boggle my mind, too.

I spent the better part of a recent Saturday afternoon cleaning out the backyard. On trash night I enlisted the help of The Big D to get the stuff to the curb. Feeling a sense of accomplishment, I looked at the heap of trash when along comes J-Man, spying the goods. He looks at the seed spreader in the pile and says, "Can I have that?"

Of course I say no. Looking for sympathy, I go inside the house and relay the story to Only Daughter. Before I could even get to the punchline that one of my kids was trash-picking our own trash, she asks what I threw away. Without missing a beat as I tell her, she says, "Could I have the..."

"No!" I holler. I didn't even let her finish.

On one hand it's cool that my kids are not afraid to use something that someone else discarded and that they find creative ways to use things that are broken or cast off. But, seriously, trash-picking your own trash pile? Crazy!!

Quick update

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sun, 24 May 2009 03:12:00 +0000

Junior Firefighter got his driver's license this week. Woohoo!

Things are growing, sort of, in our garden.

The weather has been beautiful the last few days.

I am loving mowing the lawn with my electric mower. No fumes=No coughing!!! Yeah! Plus, I get in this Zen place when I mow. Very therapeutic to mow. And it's a good thing that I need to spread the mowing over 2 or 3 sessions.

Finding myself under all the crap. Gotta throw the crap away and keep the ME!

See what grows from that which is sowed

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 16 May 2009 03:23:00 +0000

And in gardening news:

Plants and seeds are in the ground. Things we are attempting to grow this year:

Basil

Tomatoes (three varieties)
Cucumbers

Cantaloupe

Eggplant

Peppers

Potatoes

Scallions

Cilantro

Carrots

From this:
To this:

Where have I been?

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 16 May 2009 03:08:00 +0000

That's a good question. I am emerging slowly from within myself.

I cleaned off my desk and found papers from four months ago. I found a mattress in my yard, forgotten from back before Christmas, but I can't remember exactly when. The Christmas tree is still in the yard in its stand, brown and dry.

Why?

Forgotten. Life had other plans for me. Sometimes life takes you for a ride; other times you lead the parade. I am ever thankful for the fact that I have four awesome kids who take life's bumps so well. They are independent, and make me very proud. They are why I rise each day.

But I've been missing. Missing me, the real me. I am striving to find my authentic self. Where have I been?

Rainy days and Mondays...

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:01:00 +0000

The rainy season is here. We have had what feels like an unusually wet spring. In the last four weeks it has rained three to five days each week. Today is day six or seven straight with some precipitation. Like not just a passing shower, but many entire days of rain. Heavy rain, hail, thunder storms, high winds with rain, light showers... we've had it all.

It's good for the farmers and for the firefighters who had been on alert for forest fires, and I don't want to jinx us for the summer, but my dreary mood isn't helped by the weather. There have been, in between, some really nice days, too. We even had four really HOT days, with nearly record-breaking highs.

I did buy a lawn mower. It's not the battery one I reallllly wanted, but an electric one. Saturday afternoon I managed to get most of the front lawn mowed before I ran out of time and energy. I had also split some hostas and phlox, cleared out one flower bed, planted some flower seeds, and weeded a bit. I put the rain gutter back up, though I know it's just one wind gust from falling back down, again, for the tenth time. After working all day Saturday, I had dinner with a friend and we went to the book store for a bit, too.

Sunday was an 11.5 hour work day, so it's no shock that I tend to love Mondays. (And the Carpenters!)

Resolve

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 11:38:00 +0000

Well the drama is hopefully over. There were consults with attorneys and the police were involved, all culminating in a court hearing. As long as the person who was causing the drama behaves, all will be well for my kids and I.

I am behind on some of my jobs, so my plan is to get caught up on work then get caught up on blogs that I haven't been keeping up with. I am ready for my life to get back to normal.

Oh, and the weather here has been just crazy. We've had so much rain, with sun in between that the lawn is so overgrown. I just have a push mower that is insufficient to get through it even when it is short. There is a very cool battery mower that I want, and I just need to get money in order to buy it. Hope my landlord wont complain about the grass before I do.

The rainy weather has also made gardening difficult. We put up a chicken wire fence and tilled over the half of the garden that needed that. This weekend's weather is supposed to be great, so we are going to go over there to add top soil and maybe get some seeds in the ground. In two weeks there will be a plant sale where I plan to buy a bunch of starts. I always grow my basil from seed and I bought some green onion seeds and mesclun to plant. It might be too late for the mesclun, but I am trying it anyway.

ESP

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:31:00 +0000

I often think that young children sense things in the world and people around them, but learn to ignore that ability when told by older individuals that they couldn't be sensing such a thing. Then the ability fades, and as adults they might not trust what they are feeling.

How many times have we heard to trust your gut instinct? Listen to what you are telling yourself? But we may feel silly that someone gave us the heebie-jeebies or that we sensed there was another person nearby despite the physical proof.

A friend's young son talks about ghosts. He is not even three, but very articulate. I am fascinated because I believe he is sensing the energy of life. But how could such a little guy do that? Kids are just amazing.

Then there is my little guy, J Man. He is very sweet and helpful, and sensitive. He walked up to me the other day, put his head on my shoulder, and said, "I see sadness in your eyes."

I about melted. First because he was just so darn cute and sincere, and second because at that moment I was feeling sadness. But it was my internal dialogue, processing some of the latest drama I'm in. At the time I was playing a game on the computer; it wasn't like I was watching a sad movie or had just gotten bad news. He could have no idea what I was thinking, but he sensed my sadness. Amazing.

And... cut!

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:06:00 +0000

Drama seems to follow some people, and I never really felt like that applied to me. But lately, the drama here has been ridiculous, with a capital fucking R.

I fully realize that there are people out there dealing with really big things like death, illness, and other tragedies, and that by contrast this drama I am in is minor. It's just that tragedies like that are for the most part out of our control. Drama is brought on by choices people make, and I am tired of being a bit player in someone else's poorly written script.

Write me out of that show. Cancel my contract. I am outta there. (If it were that easy!)

Lighter fare

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:06:00 +0000

American Pie

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:02:00 +0000

So. My father died. Before you send condolences, he died over eleven years ago. Then why am I writing about it now? Good question.

I don't know for sure yet whether I will hit publish or just transfer my rambling thoughts to my journal. Pen and paper is good for many things, but part of dealing with some things in my life has to do with sharing things with other people in my life. And if you stop by here even occasionally, I consider you part of my life.

Let me tell you about my dad.

He was funny. He loved a good booger joke at the dinner table. We shared a love of music. When we worked together in the deli he and my mom owned when he died, we would listen to music. Beatles, Don McLean, Broadway musical soundtracks like Phantom of the Opera. He was a pretty good photographer, too, taking shots of us kids mostly, but before that he liked to do artsy shots. I think he had a good eye for composition. I have his 4 x 4 camera that he used back in the day. He took the most awesome photo of a NHL hockey player who later crashed his car into a wall and died. He loved his brother, who died too young, and heck my dad died young at 52. His brother died when I was 18. They were two of the coolest people I knew growing up.

But my kids don't have any grandfathers. Their other granddad passed away before my dad. They do have grandmothers, though. Three of them still in fact: my mom, their dad's mom and my dad's mom are still around. The men in the family... gone. Do you know the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes? Well, I think Calvin's dad and my dad were poured from the same mold. He even looked like my dad.

I have felt that I was the 'son' my dad never had (I have three sisters). I was the one who liked more so to play sports, talk car stuff. Not that my sisters didn't connect, but I just felt more connected to my dad than my mom.

And I grieve. I am only now figuring out why and for what.

In the days before his death, I declined to have him come to my house for a couple hours. My house was a mess. He was on oxygen and I didn't have a bathroom on the first floor. Climbing the steps would have been a huge problem that I didn't feel equipped to handle, physically or emotionally. So I said no, I can't have you over. Then he died just a couple of days later.

And there was no second chance.

Guilt, big time. And throw a little anger at myself in there just to make it good and heavy on the heart.

There is more, but this is all I can manage for now.

Insert title here

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 01:47:00 +0000

I come here and have nothing to say. I can't quite figure out why. I have been spending a good deal of time working on my self. I am using a private journal with real paper and a pen. I prefer to write with pen, scribbles and all. For drawing, a pencil is the right tool, but for my journal only pen will do. My journal represents a private conversation with myself where only bits and pieces escape for public consumption, though.

I am making remarkable progress on some major issues in my life. Since I always try to wear the same disposition, even if you know me in real life, you might not notice.

Life is funny that way, and I use the term funny rather loosely.

Anyway, another local family in our homeschooling community has lost their home to a fire. This is the second one in less than a year. Inside I am screaming WTF? but I am so self-absorbed that my mind can't wrap itself around the depth of these events.

I want to move past my self-centered-ness, but my own issues are so all-encompassing right now; I am sure I will be forgiven. I've worked hard at forgiving myself for past regressions.

Well, for someone who doesn't know what to say, I think I've said enough.

And gardening news is on the way; I can't help that winter stopped back for a visit and the ground is too cold to dig/till/plant.

Old dog seeks new tricks

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:16:00 +0000

So I am at this point in my life where I am trying to mend myself. I need to retrain myself and my way of thinking to avoid falling back into old, bad habits.

This is a lot harder than I ever could have imagined, yet I am so eager to conquer the challenges and move on.

I am seeing a therapist and she is helping tremendously. She has me using a technique called tapping. I can't even explain how it works; I just know it does. If you are at all curious, check out the Emotional Freedom Technique website.

Also, coming soon: Gardening, Year Two.

IQ Points

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:47:00 +0000

Recently acquired wisdom:

I can pick my own friends, just not their noses. (Thanks Molly!)

I am a little off balance. Read into that what you will ;-) but I am talking about yoga poses and strength training "issues" on Wii fit!

When your seven year old says his ear hurts at bedtime, plan for a sleepless night.

Life is happier when you wear your own skin.

I wish I could write this post in rhyme

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:59:00 +0000

Today would be Dr. Seuss's birthday. I can't tell you how much I love Dr. Seuss books.

About six years ago I had the greatest Dr. Seuss party. It was a sleepover and we did all kinds of Seuss related things. One mom read books to the kids. We played relay games with the Butter Side Up Team and the Butter Side Down Team. I made a set of matching cards with pictures of Seuss book covers. We brainstormed environmental issues and wrote them on tree cutouts from The Lorax (one of my faves). We played Yertle the Turtle follow the leader. I had a huge roll of paper where we traced everyone's feet (a la The Foot Book and all the feet that we meet).

We did have green eggs and ham for breakfast. And a bowl of jello like McElligot's Pool. And an edible Cat in the Hat hat made from rice crispy treats and red fruit leather.

I could go on and on because I had so much fun planning that party. I even wrote an entire Dr. Seuss party planning guide, which I should put in print.

So what is your favorite Dr. Seuss book? Or could you care less?

Am I in the twilight zone?

noreply@blogger.com (A Slice of the Pie) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 02:17:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder what force is at work when things happen in clusters. Is it really just coincidental that this week the tub is leaking, the dryer won't stay on for more than ten minutes, and the car doesn't always start right up? And how about the fact that I was offered two more little part time jobs this week?

It is damn frustrating that I couldn't just pick up the extra jobs and have some extra money. No, any extra money gets sucked up before I even have a chance to dream how I might like to spend it. On the other hand I suppose I could be in the position where I have these extra expenses without the extra income, right? So, I am not really complaining, just pondering.

The universe works in some confusing ways. How's the universe treating you lately?