A Smartass Education

How To Make .m3u Playlists For Entire Directories in Seconds

2009-07-05T20:57:25Z

Back in 1999 I made these cool mp3 cd’s that auto played when you put them in the drive. I kept making a lot of cd’s so I didn’t want to make a new playlist every time I made a new cd, yet I needed the playlist to make all the music on the cd autoplay.

Well it’s been a long time since then and I forgot how I made the auto generating m3u fie. So I googled it, and I could not find anything on it. I knew that I had done it in one short line when I made it. Yet typing a path and *.* or *.mp3 didn’t seem to work now. It just loaded garbage in winamp.

Well I was annoyed and knew it could be done so I kept messing with it until I remembered how I did it.

To make an mp3 file for an entire directory you open up notepad and type . Ok in case you didn’t get that you open up notepad and type . (it’s a period). That’s it. Then you can double click that playlist and it will open up and play everything in your current directory. Now if you are anal like me all your tracks are named 01 Track Name.mp3 02 Track Name.mp3 etc.. so they will all play in order too.

Now I know what you are thinking, you want to play multiple directories, not just the current directory. To do that диваниyou just need to type the path of the folder(s) you want to play, but be careful you DO NOT put a forward slash after the directory name (this is what was screwing me up before).

So lets say I have a folder called Tom Waits and inside that I have all his albums and I want to play all of his albums. I open notepad and I can type a period and save it in the Tom Waits directory and it will play all the content in that folder. Now lets say I only want the albums called Alice and Rain Dogs.

catvThen I would type:
Rain Dogs
Alice

I would save this as an m3u file (Make sure you pull down the Save As Type thing below the file name and choose *.* so you don’t save it as playlist.m3u.txt) and walah a playlist that plays both those albums and it does it with only one 2 lines. instead of 30+ lines to put the individual song paths in.

Now I wanted a playlist that plays EVERYTHING in my EVERYTHING Else directory. That was why I did this. So I just opened notepad and made one line that said EVERYTHING Else and I saved it in my Mp3s directory. By doing this I am able to make a playlist that even when I add new content it automatically adds that new content.

I have seen all sorts of really complex scripts that the entire purpose is to recursively go through a directory and look for new stuff to add to an existing playlist. All they had to do is type a path without the trailing forward slash and it’s a valid playlist file.
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More Examples:
Lets assume there is a playlist file in my Mp3s directory called lovedalbums.m3u. I right click on that file and I tell it to Open With > Notepad (browse if you don’t have that option and look in windows directory for notepad).

Inside (F:\Mp3s\lovedalbums.m3u) it says:
EVERYTHING Else\Johnossi\2005 - Johnossi
EVERYTHING Else\Infected Mushroom\2007 - Vicious Delicious
EVERYTHING Else\Eve 6\2000 - Horrorscope
EVERYTHING Else\No Doubt\1995 - Beacon Street Collection
EVERYTHING Else\Less Than Jake\2008 - GNV FLA
EVERYTHING Else\Fastball\2004 - Keep Your Wig on
EVERYTHING Else\Eddie Vedder\2007 - Into the Wild
EVERYTHING Else\Ben Folds Five\1995 - Ben Folds Five
EVERYTHING Else\Beatles\2006 - Love
EVERYTHING Else\Amanda Palmer\2008 - Who Killed Amanda Palmer
EVERYTHING Else\Michael Lee Firkins\2007 - Blacklight Sonatas
Various Artists\Donnie Darko (Complete bootleg)
Various Artists\Elizabethtown
My Compilations\2004 - What’s Left of Me\Absolution 2.0
My Compilations\2004 - What’s Left of Me\Beautiful 2.0
My Compilations\2008\Haunt Me

Ok I probably didn’t have to put that many, but you should get the point now.

Recap: In Notepad type a period and save as playlist.m3u to add full directory. To add individual ones add the paths without a trailing slash.

Enjoy

How To > Dominate The World in 5 Easy Steps (By Google)

2008-09-20T04:52:49Z

Step 1) Index all things and make it easy to access, ease people into using this with a search engine that helps people find what they want and a catchy slogan like “Don’t Be Evil”.

Step 2) After building trust with your market convince them to use your open source software. In case they aren’t using it, buy majority of startup software and social networks that they are using. Further direct their focus by getting them to use Chrome and telling everybody it is a web browser, despite being a world domination app.

Step 3) Get your software on all types of media. We will start with showing them a taste of our “browser” and then a couple weeks later we will have every single mobile company using our open source operating system and development platform (Android).

Step 4) Use the “Google Network” that was built by 3rd party companies using our open source software and mobile devices to link all communications together and use all the media devices and world domination software in place on more than 75% of the global economy.

Step 5) Control “truth”, information, media, advertising, and define facts.

Google Chrome (Web Browser) and IE8 Beta 2 Review

2008-09-03T04:49:15Z

Today I tested 2 different beta browsers. Internet Explorer 8 Beta 2, and Google Chrome.

Finally browsers are starting to evolve at a faster rate. Firefox 3’s “awesome bar” has become a must have feature that other browsers are working to clone and CSS support is starting to not suck quite as bad.

So first is Google’s new browser “Google Chrome”. It’s a mashup of Safari and Firefox, and wow is it fast. I mean things that work slowly on my site on a crappy laptop work much faster with this new browser. Google, being smarter than Microsoft, has opted to keep the browser open source and let a community of people develop it just like Firefox. This means, that though there are currently no extensions for the browser, there will be.

Firefox is the best browser because in it’s core it complies to standards, and then it lets people extend the functionality of the browser in a zillion different ways with add-ons. So now that Google has come along with a similar product, and they have sped up page loads and JavaScript execution.

Google Chrome has a coupe of slick new features, like clicking Shift+Esc will open a “task manager” just for the browser. It shows you the memory and cpu usage of each tab and process like flash. You can then end those processes. They extend this further by making each tab it’s own “sandbox” where one tab does not effect the others. So if a tab crashes, none of your other tabs will crash. That alone is worth the prices of admission.

Another plus for me was how right out of the box I didn’t need to install any plugins. Flash worked, the DivX player worked, Java worked. My thought is that they just copied the plugins directly from my Firefox install and are able to use the same files. I also dig the “new tab” thing showing links and screenshots of all your most visited pages.

Web Developer Note: Acid2 Test = Perfect, Acid3 Test = 77% (Firefox only gets 57%).

I haven’t had any crashes with this beta browser yet either, which is very odd. It wasn’t able to load my OGM movies, but then again, on my x64 vista it took me an hour of dicking with Firefox to get those to load, due to the badly made plugin installer that doesn’t understand how to install itself in a “portable browser”. In Firefox when an OGM movie doesn’t load it often crashes the entire browser.

Both Google and Microsoft have added features to their browser that we will refer to as “porn mode” since it lets you browse the internet with out leaving records of where you have been. This is helpful since with the new way address bar’s are working you can almost always find your way back to someplace you have previously been.

So next I was going to give my personal views on Internet Explorer 8 beta 2, however when I tried to install it on vista x64 I was told that this operating system is not supported.

For shame Microsoft. Even if it’s 32 bit you can still make a 32 bit program run just fine. I am amazingly disappointed by this. Especially since this is your second beta. So instead of talking about their new features I will go off of what I have read about it.

Basically Microsoft has taken their “copy a good idea and make it better” to heart, and have taken to copying such features as the awesome bar and improving it by listing the URL next to the site name that it finds.

Now, I love copying and improving. So many people bitch about things getting stolen from one thing and stuck in another, but that’s what allows us to evolve. Why re-invent the wheel? Just make it last longer and not go flat.

What I want is for them to “copy” the CSS support from other browsers to their browser, because though all computer guys and web designers (real designers, who don’t use FrontPage) will use Firefox or another standard compliant browser. End users will still use whatever their computer comes with that has the word internet on it.

I run a website where I would think people would be smart enough to use Firefox, yet 80% of my traffic is from Internet Explorer. Now I will forgive you all for it since a large majority of you are at schools and offices where you cannot install things.

All Microsoft needs to do to stop being hated by web developers is 3 things:

1) Proper CSS3 support. I mean seriously you are talking in your blog and writeups about how you fully support CSS2.1 now, but who cares. I want CSS3 so I can start making vertical lines and have drop shadows under my text.

2) Open Extension format. I realize that Microsoft doesn’t like open source, and I respect that as a developer. However you can just make a SDK for add-ons, since most of the best “features” of Firefox are only there because we have added them of our own accord.

3) Remove Active-X. I don’t care how many websites use it. Those sites have ways for people to view their content in other browsers. This is the main reason people get infected with the old trick: “You are infected with spyware. Click here to remove”. Then it installs a program that adds more spyware while pretending to remove some of it.

Right now IE8 is still a beta, and browser betas are lousy. The Firefox 3 beta was garbage at supporting already existing things like JavaScript and plugins. So all I can do right now is hope that Microsoft will pull their head out of their ass and do the 3 things I listed. Then I will not have to spend an extra 3 hours on every new page I design just trying to make an Internet Explorer workaround for some positioning bug.

For now, Firefox is still king. However I foresee Google adding extensions and other web applications and then becoming the best browser. It’s already faster and doesn’t crash.

Download: Google Chrome | IE8 Beta 2

Coolest Trick Ever To Muck Up A Webpage

2008-08-26T08:41:30Z

Ok so load a page with a bunch of images. Then go to the address bar and paste this in:

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300;
y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.getElementsByTagName(”img”);
DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style;
DIS.position=’absolute’; DIS.left=(Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5)+”px”;
DIS.top=(Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5)+”px”}R++}setInterval(’A()’,5);
void(0);

It won’t move all images, but a lot of them will start floating around. Works on a majority of sites (though not well on my main page due to how I position them.

The best place I found this to work was on my own myspace profile in firefox. It’s cooler in firefox since I have all of the images hidden underneath my background. So with this trick it brought all the pictures of friends and junk in my comments up and made it float.

Try it. Go to: http://myspace.com/trimidum then paste above code into address bar and hit enter.

As Technology Increases, Standards MUST Change

2008-08-12T03:15:34Z

Today I just found the world’s greatest RMA process (Seagate if you are wondering). It took me absolutely no searching around and I was done in 2 minutes online without talking to anybody and it even printed me a label. I have NEVER seen something go so smoothly, so it got me thinking about all the other things that could be done better but typically aren’t. Things that we just accept as being crappy.

Below is a list of some of the things that could be easilly fixed just by a change of standards. Sorry if it gets a bit long. I will color the sections so you can just read about the ones that might annoy you.

“The Scene” and how they release files: Ok, I have been using torrents for years and have found no other viable option for multiple file distribution. However at this point (assuming you are in a country with good internet) speeds on the internet are SOOO fast that if I download a torrent with an avi file in it and I am impatient I can prioritize the order the pieces download in and watch it while it is downloading.

However if some stupid release group sticks that one avi file into a 30 part rar file; not only can I not watch it but I 1) run the risk that one of the rar files will be corrupt and the file will not extract and 2) I have to waste more space and time extracting those rar files. Then because of that I am VERY unlikely to keep seeding it, since those rar files are only wasting space on my already overcrowded hard drive.

Rars were a fantastic idea back in the late 90’s because it let us download things from websites using our dial-up modems. It WAS a fantastic way to do it. However now, it is totally worthless.

Next, if I download a driver, I want JUST the driver. People who are not computer savvy are not downloading their own drivers anyways, they are just calling their sons and asking them to fix the problem for them.

So if I download a driver for an HP Printer (notoriously aweful / slow driver install with tons of bloat), I want a zip file with JUST the essential driver files and no install file, and no extra software. I want my operating system to be able to just look in the folder and find the needed files and be done with it.

I do mobile pc repair and if I get called out to a customers house for a problem with their HP Printer, I have to advise them that even on their brand new computer it may take up to 2 hours to install their printer due to the retarded detection process and other crappy software that it forces you to install.

HP is not the only one at fault here, ATI and several other companies make lousy install files that are required to make a piece of hardware work.

Slow installs that install into multiple directories and register files all over the place and registry: Look, if I install any of the Adobe CS3 apps on a super fast computer it will still take me FOREVER to install the files. The reason being is they are trying to be “helpful” since you might run multiple adobe programs so it is making a “shared files” directory and then registring the components with windows so it knows that they are there.

This however is NOT helpful. I own over 6TB of hard drives, and while this may not (yet) be the standard, hard drive space is increasing and we no longer need to “share files” between programs.

If you were to make an install file and had every single file required to run the program install itself into one directory, then the program will open and run properly. So what if you install another program that needs the same dll file etc…

Most of the apps I use are “portable” and are kept on my keychain, so that when i go to fix a computer I do not have to install a bunch of crap on other people’s computers just to fix their problems. By centralizing every file that is needed in the program directory, installs would only take seconds and if somebody wanted to take the program with them they could. Ok, so it’s a paid for program and you don’t want them stealing it. No big deal, they paid for it if they move to another computer they will have to type in the license key again.

At the very least you should just change the install menu so that instead of having “typical and custom” installs, it should have “portable, typical and custom”. This way if I want to have all the files shoved in one directory I can do so, and the rest of the ignorant people can install it the way you want them to.

RMA process: As I was saying earlier, Seagate has an amazing process. Somewhere along the lines they must of realized that they didn’t have enough customer service reps to talk to every single person who says their hard drive is broken. Sure, some of those drives are not bad but they give you a 5 year warranty so all you have to do is enter your serial number and it then tells you how long it is under warranty. You click next and it asks you if you want to return the product, and offers you expedited shipping for a fee as well as the option to upgrade your return. Declining any of these your return is free and it instantly spits out a label for you to print out with your return address and the RMA mailing info and then gives you a PDF as an optional read for properly packaging and shipping the item back and advises you that you will get a new drive or else it will be low level formatted.

Wow. It was so simple. I didn’t have to sit on a phone while some guy from India asks me stupid questions about what I have already done. It just says, send it back and we’ll send you a new one.

I recently used Intel’s RMA process as I was told it was simple. Takes awhile to find the part replacement area, but when you do you still have to call in and wait on hold. Then you have to go through 50 some steps that you have probably already done just so they will give you an RMA #. Now they did give me one, however they didn’t give me the address. They said they would email it to me with the instructions etc.. Well I never got that email. So I didn’t have the address to send it to. Now a couple weeks later when I got around to it I called back and got it (by having them fix the email address and re-send me the info again…).

This was rediculous. If my stuff is broken, send me a new one. Don’t even pay somebody to help me troubleshoot it. If it’s not broken, send it back to me. It’s still cheaper and better for your customers than having them sit on hold to talk to somebody who might not know anything beyond the policy manual.

Okay, next since I mentioned being on hold I thought that could change a bit too. No, I am not going to be unrealistic and think I can get away from a long hold. Instead I am going to be MORE realistic and say that if I want to talk to a real person I am willing to wait longer. So all I ask on this is that when I call I am presented with 3 options:

Press 0 to talk to a real person, however be advised that there will be very long hold.

Press 1 to go through our automated troubleshooting service.

Press 2 to leave a message, however be advised that it may take up to 24 hours for your call to be returned.

Press # to repeat your options or * to disconnect.

I actually have a giant blog post already just to help people to talk to a real human being. It gets a lot of traffic because people hate clicking buttons forever.

If we have to be on hold, then let us just sit on hold, and while we are doing it don’t have any interruptions for the music. Don’t care if it’s crappy music or not, just music and no “your call is important to us”.

Then since I have taken the effort to wait on hold for 30 minutes, don’t you DARE disconnect me or dump me to voicemail. I don’t care how bad your queue #’s are for the day. I choose to wait, so let me wait.

Video On Demand. You are just doing it wrong. Look at my website as an example. People want video on demand, and they are willing to pay for it. However it just has to be in a really convenient form.

By this I mean that if I pay one on demand service like ps3 or apple tv to download a movie or a tv show, I want to then be able to copy that tv show onto my hard drive and move it to all the other gadgets I have. To do this the download needs to be in a standard format with no DRM garbage. I want a DivX or an H.264 file to download and I want them to be in a standard avi enclosure.

Music should be in an mp3 format. Yes, better compression like aac has come along since mp3, however it never became a standard and it cannot be played on every device I already own, so i want it in mp3 format.

If you are not going to give people content in these formats, then a good number of those people will pirate the media. It’s not because they want to be “bad people”. It’s because you are so paranoid that if you give them a nice easy to use format, then they will use some other service/player. Or they will turn around and distribute the media they purchased since it doesn’t have protection in it.

Well that’s going to happen no matter what format the media is in. However it’s just like somebody breaking into your car. Not everybody is going to do it, but eventually it’s bound to happen.

I’m sure I will think of more things like this, but for now if I write any more you will loose your attention span and stop reading it.

Firefox 3, Not a beta anymore

2008-07-25T17:06:43Z

Woot, Firefox 3 is out, and not just a shitty beta anymore.

Seems to work quite well and most of the extensions I use still work. Well, the ones that didn’t I “forced” to work with “Mr. Tech’s Local Install” which has a “make compatible” option that removes the version number of the extension and makes everything work.

Well, I will be making a “Pimp Your Firefox” article on here sometime and will go over all the best extensions, but for now just download FF3 and Ad-Block.

Good Times,

How To > Install Shit on Your iPhone

2008-07-20T19:12:38Z

You know I like my tutorials to be short… embarrassingly short in fact. Well this one will take the cake.

To install shit on your iPhone the easy way install newest firmware 1.1.1 at the time of this writing and then go to: http://jailbreakme.com phone.

THAT’S IT. Ok technically you have to click a link at the bottom of the page when you get there, but that’s IT!!!~!!!

Doing this will install an application called Installer on your phone, which will let you install a TON of other applications. I recommend “Sketches” and “Labyrinth” highly.

Explains > British English to Americans

2008-02-11T12:13:11Z

So I was work and had reason to reference some British words… I thought it would be worth posting them to the site because I enjoyed it.

ACCOMMODATION in the sense of lodging is singular in English
and plural in American English

ADMIRALTY in Britain is the Navy Department in the U.S.

AGRICULTURAL SHOW is a State or County Fair.

AIRY-FAIRY means superficial in a disparaging sense and
is roughly "fanciful"

ALLOTMENT is a small rented area for growing vegetables
or flowers away from you home.

ANORAK is an Eskimo word for a windbreaker or parka.

ANTI-CLOCKWISE is counter clockwise.

ARTICULATED LORRY is a trailer truck.

ASSISTANT - short for shop assistant - would be a salesclerk.

AU PAIR is a foreign girl who lives as one of the family in return for helping with the children. Enables "foreign" girls to learn English in a family environment.

AUBERGINE is an EGGPLANT

BACKBENCHERS is a Member of the House of Commons who is
not the Minister.

BAD PATCH means a rough time

BAGS OF is slang and means piles of - usually referring
to money.

BALACLAVA is a woolen helmet named after the site of a
battle in the Crimean War

BANGER is slang for a sausage

BANK HOLIDAY is a LEGAL HOLIDAY in the U.S. Apart
from Xmas they are all different in Britain

BARGE POLE is a colloquialism for a ten-foot-pole

BARRACK is to demonstrate noisily in public e.g. as in
‘boo’

BARRISTER is a TRIAL LAWYER

BASH is to hit as in ‘bang’

BATH in Britain becomes BATHTUB in the US

BATH OLIVER is a dry biscuit eaten with cheese

BBC the British Broadcasting Corporation

BEARSKIN is a high, black fur hat worn by Guardsmen

BELT UP is slang for shut up

BILL is what one asks the waiter for and in the US becomes
CHECK

BIRD is slang for ‘girl’ although in the US DAME would
be closer

BIRO is a ball-point pen

BISCUIT is a CRACKER or a COOKIE

BIT used where Americans would say "part"

BITTER is a type of beer

BLACK TIE is Mess dress or tuxedo

BLOCK OF FLATS is an apartment building or high-rise tower
block, or a large house converted to flats

BLOKE slang for man

BOBBY is a police officer

BOG toilet

BOG-ROLL toilet roll

BOILER is the furnace

BOLLARDS are barrels

BONNET is HOOD when referring to your car

BOOK as a verb to reserve rooms or theater seats

BOOT is the TRUNK of your car

BOOT SALE is a flea market or yard sale

BOX television

BOXING DAY is the first week-day after Christmas

BRACES are SUSPENDERS which as an English word means
GARTERS

BRASS PLATE is the equivalent of a SHINGLE

BUBBLES & SQUEAK is cooked cabbage and potatoes combined
and fried

BUILDING SOCIETY is a savings and loan

BUMBAG is the same as our fanny pack

BUNGALOW is a single story house detached house

BUREAU is a writing desk with drawers and a lift-down flap

CAB-RANK is a taxi-stand

CALL-BOX is a telephone booth

CAMIKNICKERS are teddies

CAMP BED is a COT which in Britain is used for a
baby’s CRIB

CANDYFLOSS is cotton candy

CARAVAN is a trailer

CAR PARK is a parking lot

CASHIER is a TELLER

CALICO is muslin

CALOR GAS is bottled gas

CASTOR SUGAR is finer than granulated sugar but not as
fine as icing-sugar

CATS EYES are surface road reflectors

CHAR is slang for tea - the drink

CHAT UP is slang for handling someone a line especially
to get to know a girl

CHEERS thanks; also used as a toast before drinking; also,
"see you later"

CHEMIST is a DRUG-STORE

CHESTERFIELD is a sofa

CHIPS are FRENCH FRIES

CLINGFILM is Saran wrap

CLOAKROOM is a half bath

COACHES are buses

COFFEE, WHITE, WITHOUT is coffee, cream, no sugar

COLLEAGUE is a co-worker

CONVENIENCE is a REST ROOM

CONVEYANCING is buying or selling properties

COOKER is a stove

CORNFLOUR is cornstarch

COSTUME is a swimsuit

COURGETTE is a ZUCCHINI

COT is a small child’s bed or crib

COTTAGE traditionally a pretty, quaint house in the country,
perhaps with a thatched roof (although the name is stretched nowadays
to encompass almost anything except a flat), may be detached or
terraced

COVER NOTE is an Insurance binder

CRACKING great ("What a cracking bird!")

CRICKET is a ball game to which Americans have no equal

CRISPS are potato chips

CUPBOARD in Britain is CLOSET in the US

CURRENT ACCOUNT at a bank is a CHECKING ACCOUNT

C.V. (CURRICULUM VITAE) is a resume

DAME in Britain refers to a lady who has been knighted

DAY-RETURN means a ROUND-TRIP ticket usually on
the railway

DEMERAEA sugar is the brown sugar usually on the tables
in pubs, not at all like our baking brown sugar

DETACHED is a house that stands alone, usually with its
own garden

DEVIATION is a detour

DIARY is our calendar/date or appointment book

DINNER JACKET is a TUXEDO

DORMITORY is a multiple bedroom usually found in boarding
schools and is NOT a barracks

DRAUGHTS is the game of CHECKERS

DRESS CIRCLE in the theater is the FIRST BALCONY

DRESSING TABLE is the equivalent of the American DRESSER

DRESSING GOWN is a ROBE or bathrobe

DUAL CARRIAGEWAY is a DIVIDED HIGHWAY

DUMMY is a pacifier

DUSTBIN is a GARBAGE CAN

DUSTMAN is a garbage collector

DUVET is a eiderdown quilt

EARLY-CLOSING is an infuriating custom of shops closing
one afternoon a week

EARTH as a verb and as an electrical term equals to GROUND a wire

ELASTOPLAST is BAND-AID

ELEVEN is a FOOTBALL or CRICKET TEAM (from
the number of players)

ENGAGED is what the operator says when the telephone line
is BUSY

ERNIE is ‘electronic random number indicator equipment’
and selects Premium Bond winners

ESTATE AGENT is a REAL-ESTATE BROKER

ESTATE CAR is a STATION WAGON

EX-DIRECTORY is a UNLISTED TELEPHONE NUMBER

EX-SERVICE MAN is a VETERAN

FAG is a cigarette

FANCY DRESS is costumes

FANCY DRESS PARTY is a costumes party

FEN is swampland or marsh

FIRST FLOOR in a building is SECOND-FLOOR in the
US

FISH-FINGERS are FISH-STICKS

FITTED applied to carpets means WALL-TO-WALL

FIZZY DRINK is pop/soda

FLAN is an open sponge or pastry case with a fruit or sweet
filling

FLANNEL is a face-cloth

FLAT is an APARTMENT usually one floor

FLEET STREET is a colloquialism for the PRESS

FLEX is an electric cord

FLY-OVER is an over-pass

FOOTBALL is rugby, not American football

FORTNIGHT means two weeks or fourteen nights

FREE HOUSE associated with a Pub means it can sell any
brand of beer it wishes, it is not linked to any specific brewery

FRINGE (HAIR) is BANGS

FULL STOP is the black dot at the end of a sentence called
in the US a period

GAMMON is ham

GARDEN is the property outside a house which in the US is a YARD

GATEAU is a type of layer cake

GEARBOX is TRANSMISSION

GEAR-LEVER is GEARSHIFT

GEORDIE (pronounced JORDY) is a native of Tyneside and
also the dialect he speaks

GEYSER (GEEZER) is a water heater

GIVE-WAY as a road sign means YIELD

GLASS is CRYSTAL

GONGS are slang for military medals

GOVERNMENT means administration and refers to the people
currently running the country

GENERAL PRACTITIONER (GP) is a internist or doctor

GREASPROOF PAPER is wax paper

GREEN BELT is a no-building zone around a town or city

GREENGROCER is a fruit/vegetable store

GRILL as a verb is to BROIL

GUILLOTINE is a paper-cutter

GUMBOOTS are rubber boots

GUMSHIELD is the same as a mouthgaurd

GYMKHANA is a local Horse Show

GYM SHOES are SNEAKERS

HABERDASHERY is pins, needles, ribbons, thread etc. : and
is what you ask for in a shop

HAGGIS a traditional Scottish dish made from a sheep’s
inside

HAIRDRESSER is a man or women’s ‘barber shop’ or ‘beauty
shop’

HAIRSLIDE is a barrette

"HALF" when addressed to a bar-tender means a
half-pint of beer

HALF-TERM is a mid-term vacation of short duration

HARD CHEESE is tough luck

HAT TRICK is a cricket term for taking three wickets by
three successive balls but it is often to any triple triumph

HAVE-A-BASH means give it a try

HAVE NO TIME FOR means to have a low opinion

HESSIAN is burlap

HIGH STREET preceded by ‘the’, is the American Main Street

HIGH TEA served late in the afternoon usually contains
a cooked item such as eggs or sausages - this is not to be confused
with ‘tea’ or ‘afternoon tea’ which is merely a cup of tea with
a cake or very small sandwich

HIRE PURCHASE is to buy on an installment plan

HOB is an installed gas, electric range top

HOLIDAY is a vacation although the university still uses
vacation for the time after term finishes

HOMELY is simple or unpretentious and not the ‘ugly’ meant
in America

HOOD of a car is known as ‘BONNET’ in England but
of a cloak or coat is still the same

HOUSEMAN in a hospital is a doctor or ‘intern’ in America

HOOVER is to vacuum

HUNDREDWEIGHT is 112 pounds and 20 Hundredweight are in
1 ton

HUNT an Englishman hunts fox or deer but shoots game birds
or rabbits

ICE on menus means ice-cream

ICING SUGAR is similar to our powdered sugar

IMMERSION TANK is a hot water heater in a house

INTERVAL is an intermission

IN TRAIN means coming along as in ‘the work is progressing’

IRONMONGER is a hardware shop

JAB is a shot or immunization

JAM is what Americans would call jelly

JELLY is what they call Jell-O

JERSEY is a sweater

JOINT (of meat) as in Sunday Joint is a piece of roast
meat

JUMBLE SALE is a rummage sale

JUMPER is a sweater (or woolly, or jersey), the American
‘jumper’ is a pinafore dress

JUNCTION is an interchange on motorway

KEDGEREE is a dish of fish, rice and eggs and often served
at breakfast

KETTLE (FOR HOB) is a tea kettle

KIOSK can be a news-stand or a telephone box

KIP sleep ("I could do with a kip" or "He’s
kipping on the sofa.")

KITCHEN PAPER is paper towels

KNAVE is a jack in playing cards

KNICKERS underwear for women

KNOCK BACK DOUGH is to punch down dough

KNICKERS are ladies’ underpants

‘L’ plates are large red ‘L’s which a person learning to
drive must put on his car

LACQUER is hair-spray

LADDER in a stocking is a ‘run’ in America

LADYBIRD is a lady bug

LAGER is beer

LANDLORD in a pub is the inn-keeper

LARDER is a pantry

LAY A TABLE is to set the table

LAY-BY is a roadside parking area at the side of the road

LEADER can be a newspaper editorial, the leading counsel
of a team of lawyers or the first violinist in an orchestra but
NOT the conductor as is popular in America

LEMONADE is Sprite, 7UP

LETTER-BOX is a mail-box

LEVEL-CROSSING is a grade crossing

LIFE GUARD is a member of a regiment of the Royal Household
Cavalry

LIFT is an elevator

LINE on a railway means track

LOO can be an 18th century card game or a lavatory or bathroom
or whatever you wish to say

LORRY is a truck

LOUNGE SUIT is a business and NOT clothes for lounging
in

MAC is an abbreviation for macintosh or raincoat

MAKING CONTACTS is networking

MAGISTRATE is very close to a justice of the peace

MAINS is an electric circuit box

MAISONETTE is an apartment on 2 or more floors

MAJORITY as a voting term this equals a ‘plurality’ in
American terms

MANCUNIAN is someone from Manchester

MANGETOUT are snow peas

MARKET many towns have a weekly market day with wares on
stalls (booths) in the open air - the right to do so goes back
hundreds of years & the AA book lists them all - so does a
list available from my office

MARROW is a very large zucchini

MARTINI is vermouth - if you want a Dry Martini ash for
a Gin & French

MASH is mashed potatoes

MATCH is what two sides play on a sports field and is equal
to an American game

MEAN is tight-fisted or stingy as opposed to the American
‘cruel’ or ill-tempered

MEWS HOUSE is a hose that’s converted from old stables
or servants’ lodging (usually 17th or 19th century) and is the
town equivalent of a genuine cottage

MINCE or MINCED MEAT from the butcher is chopped meat of
hamburger however MINCEMEAT is chopped apples, raisins etc. Which
goes into a mince pie

MOOR is open land often with heather

MOTORWAY is a Freeway

MORNING TEA is often served in your hotel room before you
go down to breakfast

MUFFIN is a small, spongy cake served toasted and buttered
- do NOT confuse with the American ‘English Muffin’ which does
not exist in England.

MUSLIN is cheesecloth in America but American ‘muslin’
is calico in England

NAFF tacky

NANNY is a child’s nurse

NAPPY, a corruption of napkin, is a diaper

NETS are sheer curtains

NEWSAGENT shop selling newspapers

NOTECASE is a billfold

NO ENTRY is wrong way (traffic sign)

NO OVERTAKING is no passing

NOTICEBOARD is a bulletin board

NUMBER PLATE is a license plate

OFF HIS ROCKER is out to lunch

OFF LICENSE is a shop which can sell alcohol all day but
it must be taken away or consumed ‘off’ the premises

OFF-THE-PEG refers to ‘ready-to-wear’ clothes

OPHTHALMIC OPTICIAN test eyesight, prescribe glasses, and
diagnose eye diseases

OPHTHALMIC MEDICAL PRACTITIONER treats eye diseases, test
eyesight, prescribes lenses

OUT OF BOUNDS is equivalent to the American term ‘off-limits’

OVERLEAF is the reverse side of a page as is P.T.O. (please
turn over)

OVERTAKE is a driving term meaning to pass another car

OXBRIDGE is a portmanteau word for the ancient universities
of Oxford and Cambridge

P45 is a pink slip

PANDA CAR is a small police car

PANTOMINE has no American equivalent and is an English
Christmas entertainment based on a fairy-tale with a lot of modern
singing, dancing and humor - it is not mime

PANTS are underpants in American - the English equivalent
of American pants is trousers

PARAFFIN is kerosene - American ‘paraffin’ is paraffin
wax or white wax

PASTRY CASE is a pie crust

PASTY is an individual pie as in Cornish Pasty

PAVEMENT is sidewalk

PERAMBULATOR shortened usually to ‘pram’ is a baby-carriage

PETROL is gasoline

PILLAR BOX or POST BOX is a mail-box and its painted
red not blue

PLAIT is a braid when applied to girls’ hair

PLASTER is a band-aid

PLIMSOLLS are shoes such as American deckshoes

PLONK (SLANG) is wine

PORRIDGE is oatmeal

POLYFILLA is spackle compound

POPPERS are snaps

PUDDINGS (the term) can be used to group all desserts whether
it is cake, pie, ice-cream, custards. British puddings are not
like our custard type "Jell-O" pudding

PRANG (in a car) is a fender bender

PREMIUM BOND is a Government Lottery Bond which has no
interest

PROVISION is accrual

PUB is a public house which is a bar with an English atmosphere
which cannot be defined in this small space - go an see one

PUB WITH ROOMS - is similar to an inn

PUSH-CHAIR is a child’s stroller

PYLON is a high tension tower

QUEUE as a verb it means to stand in line - and woe betide
you if you cut in

QUID (slang) is a one pound note

RED INDIAN means an American Indian - ‘Indian’ alone means
a native of India

REDUNDANT is to be released from a job

REEL is a spool

REFUSE COLLECTOR is a garbage man

REGISTER OFFICE is a marriage clerk’s office

REMEMBRANCE DAY is November 11 or the nearest Sunday and
is Veteran Day in America

RESIDENT is the name for a person registered at a hotel

RETURN TICKET is a round-trip ticket on a train or bus

RING ROAD is a circular route around a town

RING UP is to telephone

ROAD WORKERS is road construction or road repair

ROUNDABOUT is a traffic control or a merry-go-round

RUBBISH is garbage

RUCKSACK is a backpack

RUNNER BEANS are string beans

SACK is to be fired from a job

SCONE is an American soda biscuit and its eaten with butter
and often jam and cream

SCOTCH EGG is a hard-boiled egg in sausage meat

SELLOTAPE is scotchtape

SEMI-DETACHED is a duplex or two-family house

SEND DOWN means to expel from University although it may
indicate only a temporary absence

SERVIETTE is a napkin

SHANDY is a drink made from beer and lemonade

SHEPHERD’S PIE is a dish made from minced beef and potatoes

SILENCER of a car is the muffler

SISTER in a hospital is the head nurse of a ward

SLAP-UP four-star, excellent-refers to food

SLATE is to express a harsh criticism

SLIPROAD onto a motorway is a ramp

SOLICITOR is an attorney

SPONGE BAG is a toilet kit

SPONGE FINGER is a long, soft, sweet cake or ‘lady-finger’

SPROUTS is Brussels sprouts

SQUASH is a fruit drink

STALL in a market is a ‘booth’ but in a theater is an orchestra
seat

STARTER is an appetizer

STONE referring to weight is 14 pounds

SUBWAY is a pedestrian underpass

SUMMERTIME is when daylight saving time is in effect

SUPER means ‘terrific’ i.e. splendid

SURGICAL SPIRIT is rubbing alcohol

SURGERY is a doctor’s office

SUSPENDERS are garters

SWEETS are candy

SWISS ROLL is a jelly roll

TA informal thank you

TABLE the verb means to submit for discussion (the reverse
of its American meaning)

TAILBACK is a line of traffic

TAKEAWAY is carryout

TALLBOY is a highboy

TAP is faucet

TARMAC is pavement

TATTY is shabby

TEAT is a nipple for baby’s bottle

TERM is one of the three educational parts of the year
- roughly like a semester

TERRACE HOUSES is a row of 3 or more usually 2 or 3 stories
high

THEATRE in a hospital is the operating room

THIRD PARTY INSURANCE is liability insurance

TIGHTS are pantyhose

TIN as a food container is a can

TOAD-IN-A-HOLE is a dish of sausage ‘bangers’ in batter

TO PINCH is to steal

TORCH flashlight

TORY is a member of the Conservative party

TRAINERS are sneakers

TROUSERS are slacks

TUBE in the subway

TWEE is arty

UNDERDONE referring to meat is rare

VACUUM FLASK is a thermos bottle

VAN is a small truck

VAT is Value-Added Tax. Similar to sales tax in the states

VERGE (OF ROAD) is the shoulder

VEST is an undershirt in Britain not the American meaning
of a ‘waistcoat’

VILLAGE is a small town without a mayor and usually with
under 3,000 people. In the UK can be a handful of houses with
a church and a pub, or a larger settlement with shops and community
center

WASHING UP LIQUID is dishwashing liquid

WASHING UP POWDER is laundry soap

WC stands for "water closet", in other words,
the toilet

WELLINGTONS are rubber boots named after the Duke of Wellington

WHISKY is Scotch

WHISKEY is Irish

WHITEHALL is a collective word referring to the government
because so many government offices are located around the road

WHITE SPIRIT is alcohol

WINDSCREEN is a windshield

WING of a car is the fender

WIRELESS is the original term for radio and is often used
by older people

WOOLLY is a sweater

WRITTEN OFF (CAR) is "totalled"

ZEBRA CROSSING is a striped pedestrian crossing

ZED is the letter ‘z’ (or "zee" as pronounced in American English)

How To > Fix COX Internet’s Routing Fuckups

2007-08-16T02:36:48Z

Everyday that you call Cox High Speed Internet, you hear a message that was re-recorded that day saying “as of today [insert day] many customer in Arizona are currently experiencing difficulty getting to many large website, we are aware of the error and our technicians are blah blah blah”. I’m sure it’s in more than AZ that they are recording this message but don’t know how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Now I was pissed at them for a few days because they lied to me and said they hooked up my internet when they really didn’t… when they finally fixed it I was good to go to be able to see all the websites, while my neighbor who is screwed into the same exact cable splitter can’t get to most sites.

So I went and figured out why I am better than everybody else.

I use different DNS. Yep, though I start on their server I jump to different DNS servers than everybody gets when they connect to Cox. I have 2 very different alternates in fact. So all you need to do is hardset your Internet Connection’s DNS to what I use and your problems should be solved.

Primary DNS: 208.67.222.222 (this is from opendns.com you could also use 208.67.220.220)
Alternate DNS: 4.2.2.1 (this and 4.2.2.2 have worked FOREVER)

If you don’t know how to do this then you simply need to open the Network Connections Folder > Right Click on your Network Connection > choose Properties > Highlight (TCP/IP) and choose Properties > Click ‘Use the Following DNS Server Entries’ and enter the numbers.

How To > Create XHTML DivX, QuickTime & Flash Players

2007-07-30T02:19:34Z

Look. I am sick of every people making something, and then making a really sloppy way to use it. If you go to youtube or googlevideo they give you this “embed” code. The Embed tag DOES NOT VALIDATE. I write my code by hand and don’t want it to be sloppy. So when I wrote Rip-Off Theater I didn’t want to have all my players using some clunky Embed crap when there are perfectly good ways to do it using Object instead.

I made the DivX code based on a Quicktime hack I did. Basically I am putting 2 objects on. One for IE and another one for Firefox etc.. To make IE not be stupid you need to use some css to tell it to not display both objects.

I figure If you are reading an article on XHTML I figure you need me to tutor you through the process. You just want the bloody code:

No video? Get the DivX Web Player for Windows or Mac Sorry, shit happens… download quicktime from apple.com/quicktime

UPDATE: 7/29 - Fixed this post. It wasn’t displaying the code and was messing up the rest of the blog. Seems wordpress is stupid and doesn’t by default recognize the “<code>” atribute

How To > Watch iPod Video On TV Without a Dock

2007-07-28T17:15:23Z

So, I have lots of gadgets, but sometimes I can’t rationalize ones that seem like they will go unused. One of these examples would be the video dock for the iPod. Now I was fairly sure I could convert my car player to be able to output to my TV with little effort. In researching this I discovered that all you need to output the video was a CHEAP 1/8″-to-RCA Cable. You can get one of these at Radio Shack or some other electronics store for only a few bucks. I as it tends to be, had one laying around.

Now there is a trick to this. Apple thought they would be all unique and switch the wires around (just like they put their quicktime movies in their images directory and their images in their movies directory…. ). So make sure you plug the wires in exactly like this:

RED Cable - YELLOW Hole
YELLOW Cable - WHITE Hole
WHITE Cable - RED Hole

I didn’t have any trouble with mine, but I have heard that a couple people had to switch their output to PAL to get it to work even on NTSC TV’s. That seems crazy to me, but in case it happens to you try that.

Good Times

How To > Have a Remote Desktop on the iPhone

2007-07-16T02:15:56Z

Ok, this is just damn cool so I needed to share. You can go to: LogMeIn.com and make an account which when configured properly lets you use your iPhone to connect to your home PC! I mean DAMN is it cool.

Simply download/install LogMeIn. Right click system tray icon and open the software. Go to the Preferences > click on Remote Control Settings > Set the default display type to HTML. If you don’t set it to HTML you won’t be able to use on the iPhone since it doesn’t support Java Applets yet.

The advantage of using LogMeIn instead of say VNC (which also works BTW) is that LogMeIn will let you it from any place without install. Where as VNC would only work on your local network.

Currently I am on the full trial which lets you print (honestly, why bother), and also has 256bit SSL which is nice… I will eventually cheap out and use free version. Still very bloody cool.. .and if i am patient enough I could actually browse my own site through my remote desktop since the iPhone doesn’t seem to like my scripts…

NOTE: From fixing computers for so long I can tell you that LogMeIn and any other similar software WILL show up as Spyware on all the popular scans. It does this so that you know somebody has remote access to your PC. If you read the descriptions it will tell you this, however some people freak out when they see it on a spyware list, so just realize that this is NOT spyware. Just be careful who you let have access to it since if you use some crappy password for that site and somebody knows your crappy passwords and then gets in they can control your PC. Common sense is the best weapon.

How To > Get a Direct URL to YouTube’s FLV Files!

2007-07-13T20:19:42Z

Ok so I have had my own method of getting YouTube FLV files before today, but thanks to Google and their wonderful archiving of all things there is now an easier way! A way that could be automated (hint hint). Flash videos are not only sexy, but they come without the ugly YouTube players so you can use your own. It’s so easy you can probably remember how to do it without looking it up!

FLV link for YouTube videos! - http://cache.googlevideo.com/get_video?video_id=

Example YouTube Address - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0kz8MCxq6A

Becomes - http://cache.googlevideo.com/get_video?video_id=t0kz8MCxq6A

What’s the point you ask? Go to Rip-Off Theater > Click Flash > Click *Will it Blend.

Looks about a million times better fullscreen on my site (requires flash 9.028 or higher for fullscreen) than trying to watch all 50+ videos on YouTube’s slow ugly pages, in their little ugly player!

How To > Talk to a Real Person @ Big Companies

2007-07-09T00:32:50Z

I don’t know about you, but I get annoyed talking to a machine. Most of the time I can get by with just pressing 0 after I call. Sometimes it’s more of a pain in the ass since even to talk to a real person you now have to talk to a machine… Well this should make it simpler for you.

1-800-FLOWERS.COM	800-716-4851	Direct to human.
AAA	800-222-4357	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
AARP Healthcare	800-523-5800	Press 1; at prompt press 4.
AARP MedicareRxPlan	888-867-5575	Press 1; hold through message.
AARP Pharmacy Services	800-289-8849	Press 1; hold through message.
AARP	888-687-2277	Press 0.
ABN AMRO Mortgage	800-783-8900	Press #; at prompt press #; at prompt press 0.
Ace Hardware	866-290-5334	Press 0.
Adelphia	888-683-1000	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Adobe Systems	800-833-6687	At prompt, press 1.
ADT Security Company	800-238-2727	Don’t press or say anything.
Advance Auto Parts	800-314-4243	Press 0.
Aetna	800-738-7674	Say “member”; press *0.
Aetna Rx Home Delivery	800-227-5720	Press 0.
AFLAC	800-992-3522	Press #; at prompt press #; at prompt press #; at prompt press 3.
AIG	877-638-4244	Direct to human.
Air Canada	888-247-2262	Press 1; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 0.
AirTran Airlines	800-204-5695	Press 0.
Alamo	800-462-5266	Direct to human.
Alaska Air	800-252-7522	Press #.
Alitalia	800-223-5730	Press *.
Allmerica Financial	800-533-7881	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Allstate	800-255-7828	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Allstate Motor Club	800-869-7997	Direct to human.
Alltel Wireless	800-255-8351	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Amazon.com	800-201-7575	Don’t press or say anything.
Amazon Visa	888-247-4080	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
American Airlines	800-433-7300	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
American Airlines Baggage	800-535-5225	Press 7.
American Express	800-528-4800	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
America Online	800-827-6364	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Ameriquest Mortage	888-436-7571	Don’t press or say anything.
Amtrak	877-444-4773	Direct to human.
Apple	800-275-2273	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
AT&T Business	800-750-2355	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
AT&T	800-288-2747	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
AT&T Universal Card	800-423-4343	Don’t press or say anything.
AT&T Worldnet	800-400-1447	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Auto Zone	800-288-6966	Press 1; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 0.
Avis	800-230-4898	Press 2.
Baby Bjorn	866-424-0200	Press 2.
Bank Card Svcs.	800-655-1491	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Bank of America	877-231-9372	Direct to human.
Bank of America Credit	800-732-9194	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Bank of New York	800-225-5269	Press ###.
Barclays	877-523-0478	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Barnes & Noble	800-422-7717	Direct to human.
Barnes & Noble.com	800-843-2665	Press 16.
Bear Stearns	888-807-6898	Direct to human.
Bed, Bath & Beyond	800-462-3966	Press 4; hold.
Belkin Tech Support	800-223-5546	At prompt press 2263; press 1 at each prompt thereafter.
BellSouth	888-757-6500	Press *0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Bellsouth FastAccess DSL	888-321-2375	Press 1; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 2, ignoring messages.
Best Buy	888-237-8289	Press 2.
Best Buy Card	800-365-0292	Press 6 at each prompt, ingnoring recording.
Best Western	800-780-7234	Direct to human.
BJ’s Wholesale Club	800-257-2582	Press 0#.
Black & Decker	800-544-6986	Direct to human.
Blockbuster	214-854-3000	Press 22.
Blockbuster Online	866-692-2789	Press 11.
Bloomingdales Credit	800-295-4057	Direct to human.
Blue Cross and Blue Shield	877-526-3425	Say “get associate” at prompt.
BMG Music	317-692-9200	Press #.
BMW	800-831-1117	Say “customer relations” and then press 1 for “vehicle” or 2 for “motorcycle.”
Boost Mobile	888-266-7848	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Borders	888-812-6657	Press 0.
Bosch Power Tools	877-267-2499	Press 100.
Bose	800-444-2673	Direct to human.
Briggs & Stratton	414-259-5262	Press 0 at prompt.
British Airways	800-247-9297	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Brother International	800-284-4329	Press 7.
Budget Rent a Car	800-527-0700	Press 0.
Buick	800-521-7300	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Buy.com	800-800-0800	Don’t press or say anything.
Cabela’s	800-237-4444	Direct to human.
Cablevision	800-868-9840	Press 1. Then press 0 at each subsequent prompt.
Cadillac	800-333-4223	Press 0.
Canon USA	800-828-4040	At prompt press *; at prompt press 0.
Capital One	800-548-4593	Press 0.
Card Services	888-363-8001	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Caremark	800-262-7890	Press 0.
Carnival Cruise	800-929-6400	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Casio	800-706-2534	Press 3.
Celebrity Cruises	800-647-2251	Press 0.
Cellular One	888-910-9191	Press 4.
Centers for Disease Control	800-232-4636	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Centers for Medicare & Medicaid	800-999-1118	Press 1000.
Ceridian Benefit Svcs.	800-877-7994	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Charles Schwab	800-435-9050	Press 3, followed by eight digit account number
Charter Communications	866-472-2200	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Chase Credit Cards	800-432-3117	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Chase Home Finance	800-848-9136	Press #0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
CheapTickets	800-755-4333	Don’t press or say anything; when offered customer service say “Yes.”
CheapTrips	800-211-5119	Direct to human.
Chevrolet	800-222-1020	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
ChevronTexaco Credit	800-243-8766	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Chrysler Financial	800-700-0738	Say “agent” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Chrysler Group	800-992-1997	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
CIGNA	800-849-9000	Press ##.
Cingular Wireless (AT&T)	800-331-0500	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Cingular Wireless Warranty Dept.	800-801-1101	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Circuit City	800-843-2489	Press 0.
Citibank	800-756-7047	Press 0# at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Citi Cards	800-633-7367	Don’t press or say anything, ignoring messages.
Citi Simplicity	866-696-5673	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Citizens Bank	800-922-9999	Press 000.
Columbia House DVD	888-467-7404	Press 1 for English; then don’t press or say anything, ignoring messages.
Columbia Mutual Funds	800-345-6611	Say “representative.”
Comcast	800-266-2278	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Comcast	800-266-2278	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Comfort Inn	877-424-6423	Direct to human.
Commerce Bank	888-751-9000	Direct to human.
Commonwealth Edison	800-334-7661	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Compaq	800-652-6672	Say “operator” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Compass Bank	800-239-5175	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
CompUSA erebates	888-716-8555	Press **.
CompUSA	800-266-7872	Press 33.
CompuServe	800-848-8990	Press 1211.
Computer Associates	877-694-8509	Press 2.
Consolidated Edison	800-752-6633	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Consumers’ Energy Company	800-477-5050	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Continental Airlines	800-784-4444	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Costco.com	800-955-2292	Press 55.
Costco	800-220-6000	Press 55.
Countrywide Loans	800-669-5864	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
CVS.com	888-607-4287	Press 0.
Days Inn	800-329-7466	Direct to human.
Dell Financial Services	800-283-2210	Press 0; at prompt press 0; at prompt press #; at prompt press #.
Dell Sales	800-624-9897	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Dell Tech Support	800-624-9896	Press 3; say “agent” at each additional prompt, ignoring messages.
Delta Airlines	800-221-1212	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Delta Dental	888-335-8227	After language option, press 2 for existing or 3 for new account.
Detroit Edison (DTE)	800-477-4747	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
DHL Express	800-225-5345	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Dillard’s	800-345-5273	Direct to human.
Diner’s Club	800-729-5309	Press 2.
DirecTV	800-824-9081	Don’t press or say anything.
Dirt Devil	800-321-1134	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Discover	800-347-2683	Please enter your 16 digital account number
DISH network	800-333-3474	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Disney Cruise Line	800-951-3532	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Disneyland Resort	714-781-4000	Direct to human.
Disney Shopping	800-328-0368	Press 0.
Dodge and Cox	800-621-3979	Press 0.
Dodge	800-992-1997	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Dollar Rent-A-Car	800-800-4000	Press 0.
Drugstore.com	800-378-4786	Press 2; at prompt press 5.
Earthlink	888-327-8454	Press 1; press 0 at each prompt thereafter, ignoring messages.
eBay	800-322-9266	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Eddie Bauer	800-426-8020	Press 1.
Entertainment Weekly	866-228-1183	Say “agent.” Say “yes.”
Epson	800-533-3731	Direct to human.
Equifax	866-640-2273	Press 30 at each prompt, ignoring message.
e*Trade	800-786-2575	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Eureka Vacuum	800-438-7352	Press 17.
Evenflo	800-233-5921	Press 4.
Expedia	800-397-3342	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Experian	800-493-1058	Say “yes”; enter report #; enter social security #; say “yes”; say “agent” then “yes” to confirm at prompts thereafter.
Express Scripts	800-206-4005	Press 0.
Exxon Mobil Card	800-344-4355	Press 000, ignoring message.
Farmer’s Insurance	800-435-7764	Do not press or say anything, ignoring messages.
FedEx	800-463-3339	Say “representative” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Fidelity	800-544-6666	Ignore prompt for social security number; press ###.
First Nat’l Bank of Omaha	888-530-3626	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Fisher-Price	800-432-5437	Do not press or say anything, ignoring messages.
Florida Power & Light	800-226-3545	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Ford	800-392-3673	Press 0; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 0.
Ford Interest Advantage	800-462-2614	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Ford Motor Credit	800-727-7000	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Four Points by Sheraton	888-625-5144	Press 17.
FreeCreditReport.com	877-481-6825	Press 51 at prompt.
Frigidaire Parts	800-599-7569	Press 3.
FTD	800-736-3383	Press 2.
Fujitsu PC Support	800-385-4878	Press 00.
Gap Credit Card	800-887-1198	Press 000 at each prompt; ignore request for account number.
Gateway Computers	800-846-2000	Press 4; say “no” at each additional prompt.
GE Appliances	800-626-2005	Press 000.
Geek Squad	800-433-5778	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GE Finance CareCredit	866-893-7864	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GEICO	800-841-3000	At prompt press 6; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 5; at prompt press #.
GE MONEY BANK	877-317-5544	Press 1, then don’t press or say anything.
Georgia Power	888-660-5890	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GMAC	800-200-4622	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GMC	800-462-8782	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GM MasterCard	800-947-1000	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
GoDaddy.com	480-505-8899	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Goldman Sachs Mutual Funds	800-762-5035	Direct to human.
Goodyear Tire	800-321-2136	Press 1; at prompt press 5.
Google AdWords	866-246-6453	Press 22.
Google	650-623-4000	Press 0.
Graco	800-345-4109	Press 0.
Great West Health	800-663-8081	Press 1; at prompt press 1; press 4 at each prompt thereafter, ignoring messages.
Greyhound	800-231-2222	Press 26.
Hampton Inn	800-426-7866	Direct to human.
Harley-Davidson	414-343-4056	Press 0.
Hertz	800-654-3131	Direct to human.
Hewlett-Packard	800-474-6836	Say “agent” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Hilton HHonors	800-548-8690	Press 5 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Hitachi	800-448-2244	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Holiday Inn	800-465-4329	Press 0; at prompt press 0.
Holmes	800-284-3267	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Home Depot Credit	800-677-0232	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Home Depot	800-793-3768	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Home Shopping Net	800-284-3100	Press 0.
Honda Financial Svcs.	800-445-1358	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Honda	800-999-1009	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Honeywell	800-468-1502	Press 11900.
Hoover	800-944-9202	Press 52.
Hotels.com	800-346-8357	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring prompts.
Hotwire	866-468-9473	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Household Bank Credit	800-771-7339	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
H&R Block Advisors	866-295-7912	Press 3; at prompt press 2.
HSBC	800-477-6000	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Hughesnet	866-347-3292	Press 2.
Humana	800-448-6262	At prompts say “member,” “pharmacy,” “prescription benefits”; give invalid ID.
Humana Medicare Claims	800-457-4708	Press ; at prompt press ; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 0; at prompt press *.
Hyatt Corporation	888-591-1234	Direct to human.
IBM	800-426-4968	Direct to human.
Ikea	800-434-4532	Press 0 quickly and repeatedly.
ING Direct	800-464-3473	Direct to human.
Intuit	800-811-8766	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
JC Penney Catalog	800-222-6161	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
JC Penny Credit	800-542-0800	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Jeep	800-992-1997	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
JetBlue Airways	800-538-2583	Press 0.
John Deere	800-537-8233	Press 1; at prompt press 4.
John Hancock	800-732-5543	Press 2; at prompt press 0.
Johnson & Johnson	800-526-3967	Press 0.
JP Morgan Chase	800-392-5749	Press 131.
Juno	888-839-5866	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
JVC America	800-252-5722	Press 3.
Kensington Tech Support	800-535-4242	Press 11.
KitchenAid	800-422-1230	Press 3420.
Kmart	866-562-7848	Press 12.
Kodak	800-235-6325	Press #.
Kodak Gallery (Ofoto)	800-360-9098	Say “agent.”
Kohls Credit	800-564-5740	Press # at each prompt, ignorning messages.
Kolcraft	800-453-7673	Direct to human.
Lands End	800-743-9706	Direct to human.
Le Meridien	888-625-5144	Press 13.
Lexmark	800-539-6275	Press 1.
Liberty Mutual (Claims)	800-225-2467	Press 10.
Lincoln Mercury	800-521-4140	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Linksys	800-326-7114	Press 1; at prompt press ###.
Little Tikes	800-321-0183	Press 11.
LL Bean	800-441-5713	Direct to human.
Logitech	702-269-3457	Press 2000.
Lord & Taylor Credit	800-223-7440	Press 2002.
Lowe’s	800-445-6937	Press 0.
Lufthansa	800-399-5838	Direct to human.
Luxury Collection Hotels	888-625-5144	Press 15.
Macy’s Credit	800-280-4356	Press 9; press 0 at each prompt thereafter, ignoring messages.
Macy’s	800-289-6229	Press 4; press *# at each prompt thereafter.
Magnavox	800-705-2000	Select language. Say “agent.”
Mariott Rewards	800-321-7396	Press 0.
Marriot International	800-228-9290	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring prompts.
MasterCard	800-622-7747	Press 000 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Mattel	800-524-8697	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Maytag	800-462-9824	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Mazda	800-222-5500	Press 0.
MBNA	800-421-2110	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
McAfee	888-847-8766	Press #40.
MCI	888-624-5622	Press 2 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Medco Insurance	800-251-7690	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Medco Pharmacy	800-987-5269	Say “representative” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Medicare	800-633-4227	Say “agent.”
Mellon Investor	800-522-6645	Press #.
Memorex Electronics	800-919-3647	Press 333.
Merrill Lynch	800-637-7455	Say “Advisor”.
MetLife Bank	866-226-5638	Press 000 rapidly and repeatedly, ignoring messages.
MetLife	800-560-5001	Press ####.
Metro PCS	888-863-8768	Don’t press or say anything, ignoring messages.
Microsoft Tech Support	800-642-7676	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Midwest Airlines	800-452-2022	Press **.
Moneygram	800-926-9400	Press 0.
Money Magazine	800-633-9970	Don’t press or say anything.
Morgan Stanley	800-869-3326	Press 00.
Motel 6	800-466-8356	Direct to human.
Motorola	800-331-6456	Press 00.
MSN	800-386-5550	Say “agent” at each prompt, until offered a representative; say “yes.”
Napster	800-839-4210	Press 33; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 2.
National Car Rental	800-227-7368	Direct to human.
Nationwide Insurance Claims	800-421-3535	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Nautilus (Bowflex)	800-628-8458	Press 3; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 4.
NetFlix	888-638-3549	Press 0 at each prompt.
Netgear	888-638-4327	At prompt press 41.
Netscape	866-541-8233	Press 000.
NetZero	866-841-1442	Press #### at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Newsweek	800-631-1040	Press 0.
New York Times	800-698-4637	Press 500.
Nikon Service	800-645-6687	Press 4 at prompt.
Nintendo	800-255-3700	Press 0.
Nissan Credit (NMAC)	800-888-2799	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Nissan USA	800-647-7261	Press #.
Nokia	888-665-4228	At prompt press 1; at prompt press 3; at prompt press 1.
Nordstrom	888-282-6060	Direct to human.
Northwest Airlines WorldPerks	800-447-3757	At prompts say “WorldPerks,” “agent,” “yes,” “agent,” “yes.”
Northwest Airlines	800-692-6980	Direct to human.
Northwestern Mutual	800-388-8123	Press 0; press 1 to participate or 2 to decline survey.
Norwegian Cruise Line	866-234-0292	Don’t press or say anything.
NY Life Benefit Services	800-294-3575	Press 0.
NY Life Retirement Svcs.	800-586-1413	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Office Depot	888-463-3768	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
OfficeMax	800-283-7674	Press 2.
OfficeMax Rebates	866-765-5702	Press 2; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 2; enter fake phone #; press 1 to confirm; press 1 to confirm.
Olympus - Digital	888-553-4448	Press 5; at prompt press 0.
Omron Healthcare	877-216-1333	Don’t press or say anything.
Orbitz	888-656-4546	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Overstock.com	800-843-2446	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Pacific Gas & Electric	800-743-5000	At prompt say “Operator”; at prompt say “Yes”; at prompt say “Operator”; at prompt say “Yes.”
Palm	800-881-7256	Press 1; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 2.
Panasonic	800-211-7262	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
PayPal Buyer Credit	866-571-3012	Say “agent” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
PayPal	888-221-1161	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
PC World	800-234-3498	Press *; at prompt press 2.
People Magazine	866-365-1620	Press 0.
People PC	800-736-7537	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Pep Boys	800-737-2697	Press 33; at prompt press 1; hold through prompts for representative.
PepsiCo	800-433-2652	Press 0.
PETCO	888-824-7257	Don’t press or say anything.
Philips Electronics	888-744-5477	Say “agent.”
Pitney Bowes Equipment	800-522-0020	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
PNC Bank	888-762-2265	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Poland Spring	800-950-9396	Say “representative” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Polaroid	800-343-5000	Press 0.
Pontiac	800-762-2737	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Pottery Barn	888-779-5176	Don’t press or say anything.
Priceline	800-774-2354	At prompt press 1; at prompt press 1; at prompt enter phone number #; at prompt enter phone number #; at prompt enter phone number #.
Primerica	800-544-5445	Press 0.
Princess Cruise Line	800-774-6237	Press 0.
Principal Financial	800-547-7754	Enter social security #, then press 0.
Principal Life	800-247-4695	Press 1; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 0; at prompt press 0.
Procter & Gamble	800-331-3774	Press 1.
Progressive Insurance	800-776-4737	Press 000.
Prudential Annuity	888-778-2888	Press ** at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Prudential Financial	800-778-3932	Direct to human.
Public Service Electric & Gas	800-436-7734	Press 0.
Qantas	800-227-4500	Press 3; at prompt press 2; hold through message.
QuickBooks	888-729-1996	Press 0.
QVC	800-367-9444	Press 0.
Qwest	800-244-1111	Press 1; say “operator” at all subsequent prompts.
Radio Shack	800-843-7422	Press 0; at prompt press 0.
Radisson	888-201-1718	Direct to human.
Ramada	800-828-6644	Direct to human.
RBS Credit Card	800-747-8155	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
RCA / Thompson Electronics	877-794-7977	Press 2.
RCN	800-746-4726	Press 1; at prompt press 3; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 4.
Reader’s Digest	800-304-2807	Press 0.
Reliant Energy	866-222-7100	Don’t press or say anything.
Rent-A-Center	800-422-8186	Press 1.
Rite Aid	800-748-3243	Don’t press or say anything.
Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines	866-562-7625	Press 0.
Ryder Customer Service	305-500-3726	Direct to human.
Ryder Rentals	800-297-9337	Don’t press or say anything.
Sallie Mae	888-272-5543	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Sam’s Club Credit	800-203-5764	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Sam’s Club	800-964-1917	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Samsung	800-726-7864	Press 2; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 3; at prompt press 3.
Saturn	800 553-6000	Press 3.
SBC DSL support	877-722-3755	Say “sales”.
Sears Credit Card	800-917-7700	Press 0000000; press 0 at subsequent prompts.
Sears Delivery	800-732-7747	Press 95111.
Sears	800-469-4663	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Secure Horizons	800-228-2144	Say “prospective member”.
Sharp	800-237-4277	Press 1132.
Shell Gasoline Card	800-490-9119	Press 0 when prompted for an account number.
Sheraton Hotels	888-625-5144	Press 12.
Simple Freedom	800-335-6401	Press #0#0.
Sirius	888 539-7474	Press 1; at prompt press 0.
Smith Barney Benefitaccess	888-822-6067	Press 0.
Sony Ericsson Mobile	866-766-9374	Select language.
Sony / Playstation	800-222-7669	Say “agent”; at prompt say “agent”; at prompt press 1; at prompt press 1.
Southern CA Edison	800-655-4555	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Southwest	800-435-9792	Direct to human.
Sovereign Bank	877-768-2265	Don’t press or say anything.
Spirit Air	800-772-7117	Press 00.
Sports Illustrated	800-284-8800	Press ###, ignoring messages.
Sprint - Nextel	800-639-6111	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Sprint Broadband Direct	888-996-0001	Press 00.
Sprint Long Distance	800-877-4646	Press 000 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Sprint Mobile	877-349-4413	Direct to human.
Staples Easy Rebates	877-266-6483	Wait for “main menu” then press 0 * *.
Staples	800-333-3330	Don’t press or say anything.
Starbucks Coffee	800-782-7282	Press 0.
State Farm Auto Insurance	877-734-2265	At prompt, say “insurance.”
State Farm Bank	877-734-2265	Say “operator” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
St. Regis Hotels	888-625-5144	Press 0.
Student Loan Corp.	800-967-2400	Press 5.
Student Loan People	888-250-6401	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
SunCom	800-786-7378	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
SUNOCO	800-278-6626	Press 00000; mumble when prompted for an account number.
SunTrust	800-786-8787	Press # rapidly and repeatedly.
Super 8	800-800-8000	Direct to human.
Symantec	800-441-7234	Don’t press or say anything, ignoring prompts.
T-Mobile	877-537-7389	Direct to human.
Talk America	800-291-9699	Say “Agent”; confirm phone number; say “agent” at each prompt thereafter.
Target Online	800 591-3869	Press 1; don’t press or say anything, ignoring messages.
Target	800 591-3869	Press 2; don’t press or say anything, ignoring messages.
TD Ameritrade	800-669-3900	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Tech SupportT-Mobile	877-369-4588	Direct to human.
Telecheck	800-710-9898	Press 1, 3, * at prompts.
Teleflora	800-835-3356	Press 2.
Texas Instruments	800-842-2737	Press 0 # and hold.
Textron Financial	800-388-1826	Direct to human.
The Company Store	800-285-3696	Press 0.
Thrifty Car Rental	800-331-9111	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
TIAA-CREF	800-842-2733	Don’t press or say anything.
Ticketmaster	Local	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Timberland	888-802-9947	Press 0.
Time Magazine	800-843-8463	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Time Warner Cable	Local	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Time Warner Road Runner	877-318-8333	Direct to human.
TiVo	877-367-8486	Say “Agent” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
TJ Maxx	800-926-6299	Don’t press or say anything.
TomTom	866-486-6866	Press 1.
Toshiba	800-457-7777	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Toyota Financial Svcs.	800-874-8822	Select Language option; press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Toyota	800-331-4331	Press 6.
Toys ”R” Us	800-869-7787	Press 1; at prompt press 2; at prompt press 7; at prompt press 2; hold through requests.
Tracfone	800-323-2366	Direct to human.
TransUnion	800-916-8800	Press 2 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Travelers Insurance	800-252-4633	Don’t press or say anything.
Travelocity	888-872-8356	Press ### at prompt.
T. Rowe Price	800-922-9945	Say “operator” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
TrueValue	773-695-5000	Press 0 and ask for customer service.
TV Guide	800-866-1400	Say “customer service” twice.
TXU Energy	800-218-7130	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Ubid.com	800-317-7995	Hold for representative.
UHAUL	800-789-3638	Direct to human.
Union Pacific	800-877-5123	Press #.
UnitedHealth	800-585-6586	Select type. Say “Representative” three times.
United	800-864-8331	Press 0; say “agent,” say “yes”; say “domestic” or “international” as appropriate.
Universal Studios Hollywood	800-864-8377	Press 4.
Upromise	888-434-9111	Press 0.
UPS (International)	800-782-7892	Say “Agent” at prompt.
UPS	800-742-5877	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
USAA Investment Mgmt	800-531-8448	Press 0# at each prompt, ignoring messages.
USAA	800-531-6095	Press 000#; at prompt press #.
US Airways	800-428-4322	Press 41.
USA Today	800-872-0001	Press 0.
US Bank	800-872-2657	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
US Bank Visa	800-285-8585	Say “operator” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
U.S. Cellular	888-944-9400	Press 0.
US Citizenship & Immigration	800-375-5283	Select language; press 2; press 4; at prompt press 0.
US Dept. of Edu - Financial Aid	800-433-3243	Select language then press *0.
US Dept. of Edu - Loans	800-848-0979	Don’t press or say anything.
US Dept. of State - Passports	877-487-2778	Select language and then press 10.
US Dept. of Transportation	800-832-5660	Press 000.
US Dept. of Veterans Affairs	800-827-1000	Press 10.
US FBI	202-324-3000	Direct to human.
US Federal Trade Commission	877-382-4357	Press 450 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
US Fish & Wildlife	800-344-9453	Press 0.
US Food & Drug Admin	301-827-4573	Press 1.
US Homeland Security - FEMA	800-621-3362	At first prompt, select language; press 00.
US IRS	800-829-1040	Don’t press or say anything.
US Mint	800-872-6468	Press 0.
US Postal Service	800-275-8777	Press 5 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
US Social Security Admin	800-772-1213	Press 1; press 0 at each prompt, until SS# is requested; enter SS#.
Vanguard Funds	800-662-2739	Press 0.
Verizon Billing	888-780-3964	When prompted for phone number, say “Operator.” Repeat if necessary.
Verizon Business	888-649-9500	Say “representative” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Verizon DSL	800-567-6789	Say “agent” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Verizon FiOS	888-553-1555	Say “operator” at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Verizon Fraud	888-483-7200	Direct to human.
Verizon (land line)	800-483-3000	Don’t press or say anything.
Verizon Repair	800-275-2355	Direct to human at times, otherwise press 00.
Verizon Wireless	800-922-0204	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Victoria’s Secret	800-411-5116	Press 0 at each prompt.
Virgin Atlantic	800-821-5438	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Virginia Electric & Power	888-667-3000	Don’t press or say anything.
Virgin Mobile	888 292 8223	At prompt say, “English”; at prompt say, “something else”; at each additional prompt say, “live advisor” until mobile number is requested; enter mobile number.
Visa	800-847-2911	Press 0 at each prompt; ignoring messages.
Volkswagen	800-822-8987	At prompt, press 32; if offered, press 1 to take survey or 2 to decline.
Volvo	800-458-1552	Press 0, ignoring messages.
Vonage	866-243-4357	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Wachovia	800-922-4684	Press 00 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Wal-Mart.com	800-966-6546	Press * at each prompt, ignoring messges.
Wal-Mart Credit Card	866-888-3868	Don’t press or say anything.
Wal-Mart	800-925-6278	Press 1433.
Walgreens	877-250-5823	Direct to human.
Wall Street Journal	800-568-7625	Press 0 at prompt; press # at prompt; press # at prompt.
Walt Disney World	407-824-2222	Direct to human.
Washington Mutual	800-356-0011	Don’t press or say anything.
Washington Mutual	800-788-7000	Don’t press or say anything.
Washington Post	800-627-1150	Don’t press or say anything.
Wells Fargo Credit	800-642-4720	Press 0# at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Wells Fargo	800-869-3557	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Western Union	800-634-1311	Press *##.
Westin Hotels	888-625-5144	Press 11.
Whirlpool	800-253-1301	Press 421; at prompt press #.
White House	202-456-1414	Direct to human.
W Hotels	888-625-5144	Press 16.
Williams-Sonoma	877-812-6235	Don’t press or say anything.
Wirefly	888-843-2485	Press # at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Wisconsin Electric	800-242-9137	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Xbox	800-469-9269	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.
Xerox	800-822-2979	Press 0.
XM Radio	800-967-2346	Press 0 and then say “customer service.”
Yahoo Personal Email	866-492-4664	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages. FYI, cost is $24.99 per issue.
Yahoo Small Business	866-562-7219	Press 0 at each prompt, ignoring messages.

How To > Get to OiNK When It Appears To Be Down

2007-07-17T04:52:39Z

Update 7/6/07: OiNK just decided due to their dns problems to change their url. Instead of oink.me.uk it is now oink.cd. The instructions below still apply since they kept the same IP’s. I have updated it to list those as well.

Ok. Right now OiNK’s registration shows up as suspended. This makes it frustrating to get to the world’s greatest private music tracker. I am not here to explain it, +if you don’t know that’s your problem. I am just show you how to get to it.

First to get there: http://85.17.40.71

Then even getting there won’t make your torrents trackers correct, so you will need to make sure your computer knows how to get there even with fucked up DNS.

So in Windows go to Start > Run > Type: C:\windows\system32\drivers\etc\hosts > It will open and ask you what to run it with, choose: Wordpad (or notepad) > If your hosts file is not messed up it will probably be mostly blank except for some comments and then a thing saying 127.0.0.1 localhost

Simply hit enter after this and paste the following in:
85.17.40.71 oink.me.uk
85.17.40.69 tracker.oink.me.uk
85.17.40.70 irc.oink.me.uk
85.17.40.71 oink.cd
85.17.40.69 tracker.oink.cd
85.17.40.70 irc.oink.cd

Save and exit, then restart torrent program. Oh if you have stuff in yours hosts file already that you did not put there it is either redirecting to 127.0.0.1 which tends to be done by anti-spyware / advertising software and is ok because it eliminates junk sites. If it’s anything but you might have been hijacked and I would highly recommend deleting the entries you aren’t familiar with.

For Linux simply type:

echo ‘85.17.40.71 oink.me.uk
85.17.40.69 tracker.oink.me.u
85.17.40.70 irc.oink.me.uk’ >> /etc/hosts

echo ‘85.17.40.71 oink.cd
85.17.40.69 tracker.oink.cd
85.17.40.70 irc.oink.cd’ >> /etc/hosts

How To > Use .htaccess to screw over a hotlinking asshole

2007-07-20T05:12:42Z

Ok, so with my page it’s not just images people try to link to, it’s entire pages. Why? Because a lot of them look pretty damn good as stand alone pages and are just much easier to work with inside iframes.

So I saw this guy in my statistics that was hotlinking directly to my Sega Genesis and Nintendo pages. Well that really pissed me off because it took me a LOT of time to put those bloody games on there. If you want the NES on your page, you can download it yourself. If you want the Sega Genesis on your page, well there you are kind of screwed, since it is licensed and the guys who made it promised me updates and then disappeared like a fart in the wind. Anyways, this is getting off the subject.

I looked around and only saw ways to prevent hotlinking to image files, pages seemed a little more obscure. So I figured I would write it up. We will use the asshole who did it to me as an example.

RewriteEngine on # I had this on earlier in my htaccess, but if you didn’t you will need to add it to rewrite anything.
#RewriteCond %{HTTP_REFERER} ^http://([^/]+\.)?baddomain1\.com [NC,OR] #Uncomment this line if you have more than 1 asshole linking to you, and copy it if you have several.
RewriteCond %{HTTP_REFERER} ^http://([^/]+\.)?aw3bo\.net [NC] #This says look to aw3bo.net (NC = Non case sensitive)
RewriteRule \.(php|htm)$ http://www.thesmartass.info/hotlink.html [R,L] #This says if he links to my pages to force him to my hilarious hotlink page..

Basically my actual pages are never named anything but php or htm, so this will make all my actual pages that he links to force him to see my hotlink page. Be careful, I screwed this part up at first… All requests coming from his site asking for .php or .htm are getting redirected.. So you have to name your file extension you link to something different. I eventually went with .html

It’s much more entertaining than sending them to just an image. Originally my hotlink page did a meta refresh after 10 seconds, but then I noticed that my page still looks good even in a tiny frame since the images are proportional etc… So I removed that for just an old fashion giant link under the probably offensive image.

You can modify the rule where it says php|htm to add additional extensions by adding more pipes jpg|gif|png etc.. But if you redirect an image make sure that you are redirecting them To an image…

Some other nasty things you can do to the people you dislike in .htaccess include:

#Redirect IP’s Somewhere Else
RewriteEngine on
RewriteCond %{REMOTE_ADDR} 2.21.1.19 [OR]
RewriteCond %{REMOTE_ADDR} 70.200.40.157
RewriteRule /* http://www.uglypeople.com [L]

#Just straight up block users from accessing the site… not quite as fun but still useful
order deny,allow
deny from 80.76.55.21
deny from .spammers.com
allow from all

UPDATE 7/16: People seem to keep doing this. Stop it Mo-Fo’s… I have been researching the .htaccess more and have found a way to simplify the rewrites to use a lot less code, and much less confusing syntax.

#Hotlinking Assholes
RewriteCond %{HTTP_REFERER} (aw3bo|spotlightarcade) [NC]
RewriteRule \.(php|htm)$ http://www.thesmartass.info/hotlink.html [R,L]

Notice that now I have 2 different sites listed, separated by a pipe and inside (). That’s it. I don’t need to put the exact syntax or even the .com’s etc.. anymore… If you are refered to me by a site with that info, you get zapped to my screw you / meatspin page.

UPDATE 7/19: Here’s a rule I just changed. I have been adding TONS of rules to prevent overall nasty people from being on my site. Now I had these guys redirecting to “-” but that just sends them to my 403 page… Screw that, Instead I have decided that from now on I shall be updating my rule to link to the most recent hotlinker. So all of my crappy traffic will get sent to the people who are trying to steal traffic from me to begin with. Below is the current rule, remember there are countless RewriteCond before the actual rule, if you try to add this rule without a condition you will send all your traffic there…

#sends all my shitty traffic to most recent hotlinker
RewriteRule /* http://www.spotlightarcade.info/sega/ [L]

Return to The SmartAss DOT Info

Safari 3 Beta for the PC

2007-06-12T05:52:38Z

As a Web Developer I am bloody thrilled that Apple has just released Safari 3 Public Beta for the PC!!!! I don’t have a mac and can’t test my websites on mac. I knew that would be changing soon since I am buying an iPhone which comes with safari built into it, however testing on a 3.5″ screen is not the same as testing on a big ass monitor.

I am pleased to say that virtually my entire site works right off the nut in safari with no changes. Even the new work in progress design loads fast and runs like a champ. The java applets didn’t seem to launch the games in them, but it seems like it should be able to, so if I tinker with the object code a bit it will probably work, also this is a beta… and that was the only thing that didn’t load. The browser actually passes the acid2 test which basically mean it’s a bloody standard compliant browser (Microsoft take note)

Upon install it worked with flash and embedded windows media (yeah i was surprised too). It imported my bookmarks from all of my other browsers. It has tabs etc… One thing that did annoy me was that you can only resize your browser window from the lower right corner. This is stupid if you want to be on a PC since I am used to stretching my windows from all corners!!!! Still, minor annoyances aside, it worked great.

Am I telling you to switch from Firefox to Safari? Hell no, It does look like if you use IE all the time that it might be worth looking into switching, however there is no add-on system to this like there is in Firefox where anybody can develop for it. This is what makes Firefox the superior browser and will continue to hold it’s reign for the foreseeable future.

Download Safari 3

How To > Power Mp3 Player With Potatoes!

2007-07-30T02:25:48Z

How To > Cheat at Blackjack

2007-05-31T07:19:54Z

Well, perhaps it’s not really cheating but if you are noticed counting cards the casino’s will blacklist you. Just don’t get greedy and nobody will notice.

How To > Crack A Masterlock With Only 100 Tries

2007-05-29T00:31:41Z