A Spectrum of Maddie

Autism Awareness Day 2015

2015-04-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! Happy Autism Awareness Day!

Autism Awareness Day is like a holiday to me. I know it's a strange thing to be "happy" about, but to me, Autism is worth celebrating. I was honored walking around school today and seeing people who know me wearing blue...thank you! It is a day to help people be aware of what Autism really is, besides what you may have learned on TV.

If you have read my blog before, then you know that I have an autism diagnosis. If you read my earlier posts, I go into much detail about how Autism has affected me, and how it currently affects me. It is a huge part of who I am, though it is not entirely who I am. I am a human being: I have multiple layers that make up what is "Maddie Dugan". Along with being autistic, I'm also an actress, an artist, a writer, a friend, a karaoke addict and a kick ass trapeze artist (and a pretty good over exaggerator).

In the spirit of Autism Awareness Day, I want to talk about something that affects me today. Something that many people I know do, even if they don't intend to hurt me when they do it. I want to talk about the many phrases, words, and other things that you may have said in the past, that you may not have been aware of, that hurt people like myself...in regards to Autism.

Let's take a look at phrases such as...

"You have autism? I never would have guessed! You're so fun and personable!"

"I mean, you don't *really* have autism..."

"You're too pretty to have autism..."

"Dude, that's so retarded."

Here's the deal, guys: while you may have meant well with statements like these...they have hidden meanings behind them that hurt people like myself.

In my theater history class today, we talked a lot about stereotypes in the media. People were voicing their opinions on how they aren't affected by certain stereotypes, and how many TV shows make fun of all kinds of people, so that makes it ok (such as South Park). The entire conversation, I wanted to shout "THOSE WORDS MIGHT NOT AFFECT YOU, BUT JUST EFFING ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE!". It does not matter if it directly affects your life or not. We have become desensitized as a culture to humor that puts people down...apparently, because every group of people is a target, that makes it O.k. I don't believe it is, but feel free to disagree with me.

I'm asking you all to take a step out of your own lives for a second...how would it make you feel people came up to you constantly and made remarks like the ones I listed above, knowing that you live with a certain trait every single day of your life? People don't understand the implications behind things like "You're so smart and personable!" is potentially implying that people with Autism are not so...

Like I have said countless times throughout this blog...

EVERYONE IS AFFECTED DIFFERENTLY BY AUTISM

IT IS A SPECTRUM

LOOK AT THE DAMN TITLE AT THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN

There is a reason it is called the "Autism Spectrum".

While there are people who face social differences because of their autism, that does not mean that everyone with autism has the same kinds of functioning. Also...people with even severe autism can be "fun". Their "fun" might not be your "fun", but that doesn't take away from the fact that they can have fun. It's just different.

Telling me that I must not really have Autism because I have an easier time relating to people completely takes away from my experience with Autism. It is something that I am proud to have, despite the difficulties that have come my way because of people not quite understanding how I function. I am not any less autistic just because I might not show the same kinds of signs you have seen in movies, or in your friend or relative who has autism. I have many of the symptoms that come with an autism diagnosis, and while I may "pass as normal" (whatever the heck that means...), I still am impacted by Autism.

Along with this, phrases like "you're too pretty to have autism" hurt people unintentionally. Why are you suggesting that only ugly people have autism? Autism is not a physically representative condition. A super model can have Autism. Celebrities can have Autism. There isn't some hideous giveaway that someone has Autism. While I am flattered to be considered pretty, the fact that you have to put down other people in the process of your compliment makes it no longer much of a compliment.

And then there's the "R" word...

Ugh. Ok.

I have heard just about every excuse in the world for using the "R" word. "It used to mean slow in it's original meaning" "It's musical term 'retardando'" "I'm not calling YOU retarded, just this object or subject". I've heard it all, guys. We all know you aren't speaking in musical terms when your friend does something while they are drunk and you tell them about it the next day and refer to their actions as "so retarded" (unless your friend is just a crazy good tuba player after taking one too many tequila shots...)

"Retarded" has been used to put people down. It has been used to tell a group of people that they are stupid, less than other people. While it may have meant something different long ago, it has been used in recent time as a means to hurt people, and it's not ok.

Even if you aren't directly using it at me, you are still using a word that has been used against people like me. Calling something "retarded" is implying it is stupid, dumb, whatever. Knowing how it has been used in the past makes it impactful to someone who has a different functioning than you, no matter how you say it or what it may be directed at. People who are Autistic have been called "retarded" for far too long, and we are far from it.

There are so many other words you can use to describe what you are trying to imply, without directing bringing in an oppressed group of people who are directly associated with that word. The negativity behind the word is still implying that being "retarded" is bad. Why is someone "slower" than you a bad thing? It isn't. It is just different.

I know old habits are hard to break, and that "retarded" is so heavily used in today's culture, but I urge you to try and understand while that word might not directly affect you and your situation in life, it has been used against other people in a means to "put people in their place".

Ableism is a very real issue that Autism Awareness Day aims to bring to light

It is NOT about making you aware of the horrors that come with Autism. It is about helping people understand that this is not a disability, it is a different way of processing the world around us.

This is really only scratching the surface of the many ways to become better aware of how we all interact with Autism (and other different kinds of abled-ness). So, you may be wondering what you can do, someone who may not have Autism. Reading this blog, and other blogs like mine, is a great way to start! Educate yourself. And then...pass the information you know around. Stand up when you hear fallacies in people's statements. Think outside of yourself and attempt to acknowledge the differences and similarities between autistics and neuro-typical people.

Thanks for reading this, and hopefully becoming more aware :-)

xoxo- Maddie (not gossip girl...well...ok that's debatable.)

A Few Words From "The Supposedly Deranged" Chick

2014-10-09T16:04:00.003-07:00

Greetings from Ellensburg, WA, home of Central Washington University!

(go wildcats.)

Amidst my college adventures, I have had a sudden spark of inspiration to blog this week...and not necessarily in a good way.

I don't want to start off on a negative note, however, so let me first say that I am transitioning nicely to university life!

I decided this past May that I was ready to go to school after a year of graduating with my AA from Bellevue College. I was done working in jobs that weren't leaving me fulfilled in ways that I want to be. So many due dates had passed for college applications, and I knew I was late into the game. I was talking to a good friend of mine about wanting to go back to school, but most likely would have to wait another year. Another year of a possible job that wouldn't really be exactly what I want to be doing. He told me that Central Washington University was taking applications. One visit and one week later, I was accepted and decided to attend for this fall. This school had the right programs, the right kinds of people, and, big bonus, the affordable tuition that I was looking for. All around, a great life step for Maddie!

I am about to end my 3rd week here, and, for the most part, things have been amazing. I have met some wonderful people, I have joined an a cappella group, and I am enjoying my classes.

Well...I was enjoying one of them. Until this past Tuesday...

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUNNNNNN...

Ok, I'm being a little over dramatic.

But, ladies and gentlemen, I left class on Tuesday PISSED.

I am a person who can hear pretty controversial things and not want to get into huge, heated debates around them. Things will spark my interest and I will want to discuss it, but few things get me really fired up.

I'll explain what happened.

To put it simply...

The world is so much more ignorant about Autism than I thought.

Before class had really begun, we were all sitting around, waiting for the last few people to get into class. The professor and some students were talking about really smart old guys (I am assuming, honestly, I was pretty focused on level 347 of Candy Crush Saga, but I was still some-what listening). Albert Einstein came up, and a student had asked if Albert Einstein had Asperger's. My teacher scoffed at him, and I looked up and commented on the fact that there have been many theories on certain historical figures having Asperger's.

My teacher then says...

wait for it...

"They probably did. They were pretty deranged."

I'm sorry...

what?

Did that really just come OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?!

The majority of the class burst out laughing. They then proceeded to make jokes about "those crazy Asperger people" and how "Asperger's is just an excuse to be an asshole". Never mind that just the week before, in an assignment about showing vulnerable life moments on stage, I talked about my Autism diagnosis as a kid. I'm just sitting there, with some eyes of my peers on me, who could probably guess how I was feeling in that moment.

Look, people, I understand that sometimes jokes get a little carried away, and that we don't mean hate or harm when we make certain jokes at groups of people...

but seriously...

ouch.

I have heard many people talking about how our society has become way to politically correct. How people now spend so much time and effort being sensitive to others that no topic is safe to laugh at anymore. Comedy has become narrowed down, and people don't like it. I get it. However, what was said wasn't funny. Nothing about being called "deranged" is funny.

I don't have a freaking puzzle piece tattoo on my forearm because I enjoy being labeled "deranged".

I have it because it is a badge of honor, and I'm damn proud of my experiences.

As you can probably guess by now, I was pretty upset. Myself and many people close to me were the target of ignorant humor, and I'm here to say today that IT IS NOT OK. Of all the things to laugh about in this world, a group of people, with many born natural talents and gifts, do not deserve to be the subject of your laughter. In that moment when things were being said, I felt like yelling, I felt like crying, I felt like telling them all to STFU. But none of those things would have helped. Their ignorance would not have been addressed positively if I had lashed out in anger. In that moment, I was too angry to really find appropriate phrasing to address what they were saying. I wish I had, but I didn't. So here I am, blogging to all of you reading this. Why? Because it needs to be talked about. We need to stop letting things slide when words are said at the expense of someone else's being. Whether it was an indirect attack or not, what happened was still a form of BULLYING.

Being mindful of the things you say doesn't just apply to Autism.

It applies to race, gender, sexuality, mental illness, rape, weight, abuse, and on and on and on...

My overall point, is that you never know what people around you may have gone through. You might not be aware of all of the insecurities, hurt, past and present issues that someone may be going through. What you may find funny is probably not if it at the expense of someone else. What we go through behind closed doors is our own business, and we shouldn't have to wear giant signs on our foreheads exposing the "skeletons" in our closets. Especially when it comes to Autism, when so many people in our society are now affected by it, you don't know who in the room around you might have some kind of experience with it. I am pretty confident that I wasn't the only person in that classroom with some kind of relation to Autism in some way. I was not only insulted for me, but insulted for my peers who are Autistic, for all of the kids I have met in my job experiences who are on the spectrum, and for historical figures who have shared their intelligence and passions with the world. It shouldn't take away from their impact on the world because they may or may not have had Autism.

I can't be angry at people for being ignorant, but I can be angry when things are said that can potentially bring hurt feelings to someone in the room, whether they "meant to" or not. It's ok to not know a lot about a subject. To quote a certain little rabbit, "If you don't have something nice to say...", you know the drill. Have good judgment. Think before you speak, and speak when you're well being is being compromised by the jokes of someone who may not know better.

Call me overly sensitive, call me short fused, but I'm not going to stay quiet about this, and neither should you.

Guys...just don't be a dick.

Xoxo.

Maddie :) <3

Coming From The Dusty Bookshelf

2014-02-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

Why HELLO THERE, blogging world! It is I...Maddie...back to blog.

I know, I know, it's been quite a long time since I have posted. I will not be surprised if no one reads this..this blog has kind of been sitting on a dusty bookshelf while I've figured a lot of life out.

Life has kind of taken priority over the internet the past year or so, so there hasn't been a ton of room for blogging inspiration.

BUT WAIT...I DO have some inspiration!

Up until this past month, I was working at a non-profit in Seattle for children and adults with moderate to severe mental and physical "disabilities" (I don't like the word disability, so I try to use it as little as possible). I recently left because I moved to the Spokane area
(Eastern Washington). Now I am back in Bellevue teaching pre-schoolers!

The time spent at the non-profit was a pretty incredible, eye opening experience...so to say I have no inspiration after these past few months is just a straight up LIE. I have SO much to share with you, my (hopefully) loyal readers.

While I will not give any specific information as far as names and individual stories, I will share what I generally learned and experienced from working with people of many different abilities, primarily Autism.

Let me say this first...I know SO much more now about Autism than I did when I began this blog. I will admit, I went into my job feeling like an Autism guru...how could I not? I HAD Autism...I thought I had once been in a position that these kids were all in...

Little did I know, that they would wind up teaching me more than I wound up teaching them.

So, my job was to be a teaching assistant, working with students on their individual education programs. I first worked with children ages 5-21 with a wide variety of abilities, the most common one being Autism. I then switched over to working with adults (21 and over) for the first part of my day, and then with the kiddos the second. To say the least, my job was wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. It took a lot of energy out of me emotionally. I came across children with VERY severe behavioral problems. Multiple times I was hit, pinched, yelled/screamed at, and left with many dirty diapers to clean.

Again, it was wonderful and exhausting all at the same time.

It was pretty rough to adjust to at first, but after a while you become desensitized to the negative behaviors because you cling on to the behaviors that showed progress. I would get beams of excitement when I would find small solutions to difficult problems. Whether or not the progress would be consistent varied by student. Lots of skills took a lot of practice. But when you saw your assistance clicking in a student's mind, it was honestly one of the coolest experiences I could possibly describe.

Among all of the work that went on, there were so many fun times that were had. We went on field trips, sang songs, did crafts (some were better than others, either way it made for great amusement), science projects, and so much more.

What I loved about this agency was that they would find inexpensive, creative ways to get students actively involved in group activities. Everyone was included, no student was left out. At times it reminded me of ways I was left out of activities in my child hood...how much of a stretch it would be for teachers or counselors to reach out to me and make sure I was ok while sitting in a corner, watching other students socialize and get along. I never felt like I was going out of my way to include a student in an activity while working at this agency. I almost made it a personal mission to try and find ways to involve the students and make them feel included. Not only did I do this, but other staff did this as well. It really was an agency effort that I really admired.

This is all to say that this job really proved to me 2 things:

1. It is pretty much impossible to say "Oh yeah, Autism! I completely understand what that's like, my child has that/I know someone who has that!" and have it be accurate.

They call it a "spectrum" for a reason. No person I worked with, who had Autism, was completely like another person who had Autism. There were certain varying characteristics that would be similar, but each student's needs were completely unique to that student. I would really like to try and get people to understand this as much as possible...education and general care NEEDS to be individual, based on the needs of that student. More adults working with a student with disabilities need to stop treating students based on how they have seen a person with autism beforehand, or their idea of what Autism is. They need to genuinely get on that student's level and progressively discover their likes, dislikes, etc. You need to actually GET TO KNOW THE STUDENT, not just what a file might say or what you *assume* will be a solution to a behavioral issue.

2. I am no expert on Autism.

I am only blogging based on my own experience with Autism, and things I learned while working with people with Autsim. I still do not know everything there is to know about it.

Oh yeah, I guess there is a 3rd thing I learned...

3. This is what I want to be doing.

I want to be in a career where I am doing exactly this...working with children, learning more than I ever imagined about working with people with different abilities, and then helping to educate the world. So...to say the least...there is more to come.

I'm currently on the job search in Spokane, WA, before heading to Eastern Washington University to get my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and Disability Studies...with, of course, a minor in theater arts. But before school, I want more work experience...hopefully doing something similar to what I was doing back in Seattle. So...we'll see what happens! Send good job seeking vibes my way, please!!! Oh...and keep an eye out on the blog, more free time means more posts ;).

And for now...I finish this blog, eat some ramen, and watch the final season of How I Met Your Mother.

LIVING THE GOOD LIFE!

<3 Maddie

1,2,3,4, Rejection

2013-01-18T08:50:00.001-08:00

Flash back...

Seeing the cool group of kids in elementary school, hanging out by the kickball field, trying to join in...worse than getting picked last, I didn't get picked at all...funny looks, whispering in ears, the strut away, rejection.

Alright, flash back...

Inviting kids to my birthday parties, everyone off doing their own thing, funny looks, whispering, ignoring me blowing out the candles, rejection.

Let's try this again...flash back...

Inviting a friend over to my house after school, friend says yes that day, says she is sick the next day, mom catches my "friend" walking home after school with another, more popular girl...scolding, shock, missed opportunities, rejection.

You get the idea. Ouch, right?

Elementary school was pretty much just a miserable time all around. I know I've touched on this time in my life a lot, because it's the one that hits the hardest for me and the one where a lot of my pain has stemmed from. It's also where my autism had the biggest affect on me. I notice more and more the older I get. I don't trust. I run away when I sense rejection coming.Sometimes I feel as if my rejection in the past has given me a split personality. It has made me either overcompensate my fear by being over-the-top and the fun person everyone wants to being around (sometimes overwhelmingly so), or the girl who shuts down and avoids her feelings and the people around her.
It almost caused me more pain to learn about this rejection as I got older...I can't say I noticed all of it all the time as a kid, but I certainly got the idea that I was not wanted among my peers. I wonder if I had some static bubble around me where if anyone tried to get close to me, they'd just get shocked and run off. I don't believe I intentionally did things to scare people off, but I was different...quirky, awkward, kind of into my own thing, going to the beat of my own drum. The times I tried leaving the static bubble left me vulnerable, and then later hurt.

What's sad, is that I remember in 5th grade getting my first hug from one of the popular girls...first hug from someone my age, but then they just happened to be popular. I felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way to hug me. It only kept up for a week...then the next, I was back to sitting ontop of monkey bars throwing bark at boys walking by, hoping they'd notice me. I don't know if that girl would remember what she did back then...I was in all 3 stages of school through high school with her, and later on we became civilized acquaintances. I feel silly looking back at how much that hug meant to me...how much that one week of acceptance boosted my self worth. It's funny to me how much that has stuck in my mind all these years...for goodness sake, they weren't even long hugs or anything, they were extremely tame and polite,

Light patting on the back, a quick 4 seconds...yes, I counted. I remember counting.

1, 2, 3, 4, done.

It mattered that much to me.

4 seconds.

That's all it took to make me feel wanted, to feel normal...

4 stupid seconds.

There is something simply amazing about college...all of a sudden, it doesn't matter how weird and quirky I am. In fact, there are much weirder, quirkier, outlandish people I have encountered who I love and adore. The drama department is full of these people. I don't need to conform myself to be like anyone else...I'm me, and now, as an adult, it's cool being me.

And guess what?

I get sung to on my birthday...

I invite friends over...sometimes multiple ones at a time, and everyone sticks to their word...

I get hugs...

And I have friends...for much longer than 4 seconds.

What's important in all of this? Being a kid sucked, yes. I sometimes forget how good I've got it with the friends I have today...how different of a person I am now than I was then. I worked through my social awkwardness, but I didn't conform to being just like everyone else at the same time. I kept true to who I am, but I learned how to relate to people, and learned how to be a true friend and learned what it looks like to have one. Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of my life, and I have close friends who I can depend on and trust. They know I'm weird, and quirky, and outlandish...but now it's what I use to draw people closer, not push them away. My rejection has brought me an amazing ability to reach out to those who seem unreachable. I know what it's like being different and being the not-saught-after-girl...so it's clear as day to me when I see it in other people now. Instead of giving the quick, polite and unmeaningful hug like I was shown back in the day, I sit and talk with people and get to know them. It makes a big difference, and brings people into my life I might not have expected to be there before.

I'm probably that broken record blog by now, but guess what? Blogs aren't only a reminder for you readers, but for me, the blogger. I keep myself in check by reflection to certain parts of my life...

There is still much progress for me in trusting others who want to come into my bubble...

Best way to do that is to be a bubble popper for other people I see, showing them I want in.

POP!

<3 Maddie

It's the First Blog of the Year!

2013-01-02T05:37:00.002-08:00

4 am, and I'm still awake, writing a blog...

Apparently it's been too long since my last post...

Guess it's time to blog :) Welcome back.

Everyone likes to start the year off with resolutions like giving up that addiction (again), or losing those pounds that always seem to find their way back, or being the first white guy to achieve true "wangster" status.

I have so many bittersweet feelings about 2012. So many amazing things happened to me, and I found myself growing in a lot of ways, and I have come to love so many new people. I started a weight-loss journey that has been fairly consistent for the first time ever, I was in amazing shows at school, and I had straight A's all year basically. But, some crap has gone on, too. I won't get into the nitty grtitty, but life has thrown a lot my way, and now, 2013 is going to be a year when I look at life in a whole new way...I've had a lot of changes happen to me recently...a lot of things come and hit me all at once, it seemed like.

You know that generic question on personality surveys, the one that asks you if you see life with the "glass" half empty or half full?

I wish there were an option to select where you see life as a spilt glass, but then you can try scooping up the falling water before it it's the ground.

What do I mean? I'm not sure exactly...I think I see life being full of surprises, and sometimes your glass of water tips over, and you have to think on your feet about what to do next. Or you could just let it spill and watch the water soak into the ground and never do anything about it...that option doesn't sound as fun, though.

I felt like, the past couple of months, like I had a glass filled to the top with water, and I was trying to walk on a tight rope...oh, and I was balancing the glass on my nose. Obstacles kept getting me from my end goal, and life situations caused me to be caught off-guard. To save the water that spills out, to not save the water...the never ending question.

With my Autism, a lot of people basically congratulate me for "over coming" it over the years. I have had to work extremely hard to be able to cope with a lot of my difficulties and persevere. The thing that I haven't overcome, is acceptance of my other flaws that are non-autism related. I don't like admitting my fault in a situation that happens to me, and I have a hard time not finding excuses for things that happen in my life. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and 2013 is going to be one of those years when my awareness of all of this is extremely heightened. I don't want to continue the pattern in my life of taking an easy way out...I want to know that when a problem came my way, I faced it head-on and I felt accomplished afterwords...just like how I did with Autism. As much as it is a gift, I'm not going to lie, it can be a huge pain in the ass, even still today for me. I cope, and I've had to fight for the things I wanted in life but people never thought I'd ever be able to have...and I got there with shining glory. But it didn't happen over night...and I seem to forget that. That's probably my biggest obstacle in my way, the thing that makes things hard when my glass of water wants to tip over...I'm impatient...and impulsive. I like to see immediate results. When things don't happen for me right away, or I find myself unable to solve a problem with quick thinking, I run away from it, or do something irrationally that winds up screwing me over later.

I know this is that point in the post when the cheesy and generic line comes up about not wanting to live that way anymore, and that 2013 is going to be different, and that I'm a new person now and won't let anything stop me because I'm strong...I AM WOMAN!!! *Insert roaring applause, confetti, and white guys with sagging pants and gold chains screaming YEAH BOIIIIII here*

Well...yeah. That is true. I do want all of that. But it won't happen the way I want it to.

I have a lot of work I need to do...and my impulsivity and impatience may not even be fixed within the year...or any of my other "resolutions". I may not end 2013 a flawless person...and I don't want to. I want to look back knowing that I worked on the things I needed to work on for myself, and that I made progress despite my flaws. The glass I am carrying called life is going to want to tip over, over and over again. I am going to want to tip the thing over myself sometimes...it's ok, we all have those days, right? Even if you don't. I know that I do occasionally, but I'm not going to let it get the better of me. There's still a lot for me to be proud of all at the same time. I made some mistakes during 2012, and I may make similar mistakes again, and completely new mistakes I didn't see coming, but the point is, is that life is always going to want to throw us off our game, and it's how we look at if afterwords that determines if we truly want to meet our goals and face it head on instead of just accepting it and not doing anything about it...it may not happen in the time that you want it to, but that doesn't make it unachievable.

Life Lessons with Maddie...maybe life would make more sense if it were in the form of a pop-up book. It sure would be a lot prettier, and colorful, and there would be hot men that save the day and bring you margaritas with bendy straws...

Ok, maybe the pop-up books I read are a little too extravagant.

Have a great 2013, everyone...cheers to you and your resolutions...even if they are life resolutions that are going to take a while. Have a seat on the train, I'm right there with ya.

<3 Maddie

aaaaaAAAAAAHHHH FREAK OUT!!!

2012-12-02T15:34:00.001-08:00

My last post was WAY too long ago...

The stresses of life have kept me away from my art, my outlet, my connection to all of you reading this! No longer...I'm back and ready to rumble :)

I miss my coping mechanisms...growing up, I was given little ways, tricks if you will, of ways to handle any kind of intense emotion...yes, I had them even when I was ridiculously happy and excited.

Yesterday, I saw a good example why I still need them. I'm stage managing/producing a show at my school at the moment (a 10 minute play festival with 7 shows in them), and it was opening night last night. I had multiple directors coming up to me at once asking me questions, not giving me time to respond to any of them...them being circled around me and talking to me with stressed tones made me literally grab at the back of my head as if I were to pull my hair out, letting out a grunt of frustration. My peers looked at me with complete confusion, not really ever seeing this side of me. I was SUPER embarrassed at my lack of control in the moment, but then I was able to take a deep breath and get back to work and answer all of their questions. Looking back, the correct thing to do would have been to ask them all to meet me outside of the theater we were standing in, away from all of the other noise going on around us with actors moving set pieces and talking. Luckily, the people I work with are all like family to me and were able to help me in the moment to breathe, but I can only imagine what would happen in a real work situation and this happened to me...

"So...yeah. About that whole "freak out" incident...let's not do that. And by that, I mean, leave the building and don't come back. Preferably ever. Uh...yeah...thanks a lot."

Apparently I imagine my future boss being much more passive than what would realistically happen...

My brain can only handle so much stimulation at one time...it's something that I am completely aware about myself, and yet, I find that moments like these come at me when I am stressed out and have a lot of anxiety.

I remember as a child being given little things during class or social situations to relieve my anxiety/over and under stimulation/ general lack of focus. I had a stress ball I would hold in my hand if we had to sit and listen to lecture sessions to give me something to do, I would draw cartoon strips of social situations that I didn't know how to process otherwise (I actually did this through high school, too), many things I did to get myself out of my own head. I think that's why I love theater so much...it gets me out of my own head and into something else to focus on. Sometimes, my mind doesn't know how to process all the information flowing through it at once, and it can be hard to break down what exactly is going on around me. I feel like I must know what schizophrenics go through...hearing voices in your head all at once, and having them consume your thoughts...only I'm not making up the voices, I can just literally hear every conversation happening in a room, and I visually can have a detailed observation of everything around me, all of this happening at the same time, typically. To this day, sometimes I will get so stressed that I have involuntary tics (facially) that I hadn't actually realized were tics until recently. I am constantly challenged by overwhelming emotion...I actually wound up walking out of a class in college recently because I had such bad test anxiety and couldn't focus. I wound up going back and working it out with the teacher, but it was clear to me that I still have many challenges in myself that haven't gone away. I used to do that all the time as a child...and the fact that it happened in college makes me realize that I have things I need to work on.

I know that many children on the spectrum are given tools to cope. I know a newer trend going around are animal aids that are by your side and are trained to sense stress and anxiety. Petting animals is a physically calming action. I'm starting to think that it shouldn't just be us with the mechanisms...everyone should have something to help them focus or calm down. Some people work out, some people take baths, some people punch things (hopefully not people and hopefully wearing a boxing glove or something). Not only that, but people in general need to have a better sense of their triggers. If you know a certain thing really bothers you or stresses you out...just tell people! No one can help you if you aren't open about certain things.

I need to take my own advice...I try so hard to appear like I have things together in my life to people all the time...I hate seeming weak, or limited. I take on a million different things in my schedule, and I often find myself burned out, which leads me to lash out at times. I think I am somewhat ahead of the game though and can at least acknowledge that. I don't do enough to cope with everything going on in my head and in stressful life situations. Writing about all of this has actually helped...vulnerability can be healing. Find what gives you relief...we, as people, keep so many things pent up inside and try and handle the world by pretending there is no problem. It can literally physically harm you...we carry stress in our muscles. We all need to find things that can get us to a mentally healthy place to be able to do the things we need to do.

Don't be a tool, just use tools.

...It sounded better in my head.

<3 Maddie

Help?

2012-11-04T12:11:00.002-08:00

I have come to the conclusion recently that I have a hard time accepting help from others.

Well, OK, I've always known this...

And it's not because I'm trying to show off what strong guns I have when things need to be lifted.

I know this doesn't sound like an uncommon trait to have, but it has really been coming to my attention recently as to how I approach situations...

Imagine spending your life bound to a wheel chair (I don't mean that you are a robot and are part human/part wheel chair...although the image of that sounds pretty amazing). You need constant support and assistance from people around you, even when it is things you really CAN manage to do yourself. Then, with enough of physical therapy, you miraculously learn how to walk on your own...which would feel great and you would feel unstoppable, right? You feel like you can do anything...but the people around you still feel the need to help you...and you get back to feeling incapable again, even though you have done all of this work to get where you are.

So, take out the wheel chair in this scenario and replace it with Autism...and that is my life. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having people in my life that are willing to support me...there are just some people who assume that I need help with things I have actually worked hard to become capable at (which actually turns out to be people who know me the least...) after telling them I am autistic. It actually REALLY irks me, and is probably my 2nd biggest pet peeve...the 1st will always be high pitched noises...*SHUDDER*.

Many people have a hard time receiving help from people. It's understandable...no one wants to be seen as incapable or incompetent. I certainly don't...many years of my life have been spent not ever feeling good enough to accomplish certain things. I still can't cut with scissors in a straight line. There are obviously things I don't do perfectly. I feel as if I have to prove myself more to people...I want them to see that I can handle a lot more than what my circumstances have allowed me to accomplish in the past.

I don't want to be a charity case, and I've never wanted people to look at me, hear I am autistic and then assume that I am limited. Autism makes me the opposite of limited...it gives me strength in so many ways. I have worked hard to get to the places I am.

Here's the problem: I spend so much time trying to prove my competency that I shut out people who actually want to help me out of the kindness of their heart, not because they don't think I can. I could potentially damage relationships in my life if I don't learn to let people in. It's hard to remember that in the moment..

I would love to go around in life with a cape on my back feeling like super woman all the time...but I'm not super woman.

I'm a human, and all kryptonite does is hurt my eyes from all of the bright glowing. Oh, sensory jokes...

I've worked too hard to be able to form relationships with people, and the last thing I want to do is deny their love because I feel like I don't need anyone. I have to remember that I couldn't have gotten to the point I am at without people in my life supporting me. I didn't have everything done for me, but when I felt stuck with no end in sight, there were people there to cheer for me and encourage me. I've hit a lot of dark spots in my life where I didn't know how to move on to the next day...sometimes it still happens. I couldn't move out of those places if I had no one around me...

I am the girl who is never defeated...but that doesn't mean that I can do it all on my own...and that isn't Autism's fault. I will NEVER use Autism as an excuse. I haven't over come every obstacle in my life, to this day there are still things that get in my way of being successful. I hope other people on the spectrum have a support system...not servants, or people who will take care of the things you don't want to face, but people who want to see you at your best and are willing to help you get there with their words of encouragement. We all need people in our lives to turn to when things get rough.

Trust me...I would rather turn to people than vodka.

Jerks are People, too

2012-10-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

I ran into someone the other day at the mall, who used to bully me RELENTLESSLY in Elementary school.

He started my childhood nick name "Maddie Fatty" (which to this day makes me cringe and I don't like talking about it...).

One day, in the 3rd grade, he shoved me in a trash can for playing pretend Poke'mon by myself...

So I reported him. And after being evaluated, he wound up being put in special ed.

He never messed with me again...but I always knew him as the guy I sent to special ed.

I never really thought much about it after it happened...but 15 years or so go by and I see him and I literally felt speechless. I put on my polite face and said hi and asked him how things were going, and he reciprocated the same energy I threw at him. It over-all wasn't a bad experience, but it really got me thinking about things...

What would have happened if I hadn't spoken up about this incident and what he had been doing to me? I don't mean in the sense on what would have happened to me, I was getting made fun of by more kids than just him, but I mean with his life. I don't know exactly the kind of problems he had, but I imagine that if they hadn't gotten him in the program when he did, he would be in a totally different place right now and would not have gotten to where he is now. He told me that he is at a technical college going to be an auto-mechanic...which is awesome! What if he had never gotten the services the special ed provided for him? I don't want to blame myself for his success...but one little thing led to another, in a sense.

What would have happened to ME if I hadn't gotten services?

I don't think I would be at all who I am today. Let's see some examples...

Things I could not do if I were never in special ed or gotten the amount of therapy I had:

-I couldn't speak. I would have no sense of communication, or if there were, it would be 2 or 3 words at a time.

-I couldn't eat anything but PB&J, French Fries, and Mac & Cheese.

-Acting? Forget about it.

-College? Forget about it.

-Boyfriend? ANY kind of friend? Non-existent...

I'd go on, but let's just say this...I owe a LOT to people in the educational system. Not all of them were necessarily people I always enjoyed working with, and a couple of people made me feel pretty crappy, but the ones who were awesome to work with are the ones that stick out in my mind. It took me years later to see the impact that these people really did have on my life and my development, but now as an adult, it means the world to me.

Parents, if your child is frustrated with their special ed, or they don't seem cooperative, please be patient. Your perseverance and your child's special educators are essential in helping your child find the best sides of Autism. No matter what your child might have, early intervention of it will make all the difference. Intervention can help your child bring the best sides of them out, when the negative seem to want to over-shadow them. Don't give up! Years later, they will thank you for never abandoning them even in the darkest of times. I know I have, and I bet that guy from my elementary school does, too.

By the way...Mondays suck. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

<3 Maddie

Let's "Get It" On...

2012-10-09T12:22:00.002-07:00

I have many (claimed to be) "Neuro-Typical" people in my life, many of them who knew almost nothing about Autism before meeting me. There are so many people who I love and adore that I choose to have in my life, but still don't seem to "get it".

My dog doesn't seem to "get it", in the sense that she doesn't quite "get" how to poop outside. I swear, my dog, Jandy, (yes, that is her real name, I have no need to try and protect her identity) has the internal hatred of taking a poop out on the grass. I will spend a max of 2 hours being outside with her, and when I finally give in and have us go back inside, the second I open the door of my apartment, she bolts in and goes to her little poo-corner and does her little Pomeranian/Chihuahua thing. I have gone so far as to buy the fake grass they sell at PetCo to see if she will do her business on that...nope, nothing. She really prefers either on our carpet or on a puppy pad (that is sprayed with the scent you can buy that tricks her into going on the places you spay...except outside!!!). As many times as I will yell and scold her for not going outside, and as many times as I try different approaches to this dilemma, my efforts seem to fail. The nick-name "Little Sh$%#" says enough for her.

I find it funny that people look at people with Autism and assume that they don't "get it"...like we are out of touch with normality and that because we function DIFFERENTLY, it makes it automatically not acceptable...to those people's standards.

No, YOU don't get it.

...No offense.

Let me help you "get it" :)

What do I mean by "get it"? Here's the deal: the people I interact with on a consistent basis seem to lack understanding of how Autism works. My friends don't see me as Autistic...which is cool on the surface, but really the issue is that their "image" of Autism is only the severe cases they have seen in the media or tantrums in public places. What they don't "get" is that Autism has many faces and many ways it affects people...negative AND positive. People in my life hear about Autism and only hear about and or see the negative, and it affects the way they look at the spectrum.

Side note...the low functioning portion of the spectrum is not the entirety of the spectrum...also, it's not a disease and I refuse to refer to it as a disease.

Supposedly, people on the spectrum don't "get it". What is there to "get", anyway? Because we don't think or act the way that "neuro-typical" people do makes it wrong? We have many gifts and talents that our society could not function without. There are many people in history that people have looked back on and seen Autistic tendencies and ways of thinking in. One of the smartest men in history, if not the smartest, Albert Einstein, was thought to have had Autism. Many things would not have happened if we didn't utilize the way his brain worked and the way he formulated ideas and put them into our realities. There are many other examples of people like this in history, and even though people didn't know about Autism then, it doesn't mean that it didn't affect people, very very influential people.

My friends and family love me. I have a wonderful support system in my life...but often, I find that there are still many people with ignorance about the benefits Autism can have. Jokes are made about Autistic people in front of me...and it makes me want to vomit. Just because I have found a social tact that helps me with everyday relationships does not mean that I am automatically not Autistic, and it does not give people the leeway to think that their mocking doesn't affect me. I can yell at them like I yell at my dog until they understand...but it won't help anyone. Jandy won't do her business outside by me yelling at her, in fact, it might even make her more afraid of me. Patience is key. Change won't happen if I just stay angry at ignorance. Ignorance can be fixed, not stupidity. I don't have stupid people in my life...in fact, I have very many brilliant and talented people surrounded by me (each with wonderful gifts they will offer to the world), but there certainly is a good amount of ignorance going on.

I know I have said this over and over again...but people on the spectrum don't need to change who they are. It's about finding educational strategies to utilizing the gifts that people with Autism have. Helping people on the spectrum reach a communication level with the people around them is different than trying to change the language entirely. There are many different ways that you can bring out the best in people without changing the person themselves.

I hope that people reading this blog have a better understanding of the spectrum...it's huge, it's a little confusing, but it's something that people need an understanding of, especially with the growing number of diagnoses going on.

Instead of calling it an "epidemic" it should be called an "evolution" with the possibility of many "solutions".

Get it?

<3 Maddie :)

Maddie: Never Defeated

2012-09-27T00:15:00.003-07:00

This is amazing and horrible timing for this blog post...

I'm pissed off...

REALLY pissed off.

Oh yeah...Hi there, how's it goin? Long time no see...

By the way, in general, life has been treating me well...good things happening in Maddie-Land.

But now, I'm pissed off.

Care to continue?

Fair warning: this is probably not going to be one of those "warm and fuzzy" posts that you can find some sort of enlightenment from. I'm typing everything at the top of my head, hoping it will help clear my thoughts.
The exact situation is not important, but I am revealing to you a kind of vulnerability you might not have seen before. It's like seeing a mother bird after she's had a predator try taking her eggs away from her...

I'd imagine she'd be pretty pissed off and not be too inclined to have self-control.

That's what my autism anger-bursts feel like...

Let's just say...I get "Cray-Cray".

It's normal for me to feel frustrated about things, or overwhelmed, stressed out, whatever...but to get me absolutely FUMING is a whole other story. If I do get like that, you'll probably never see it. I might tell you about it after the fact, but I tend to not reveal the actual emotion. It ain't pretty. I got from 1-10 on the anger scale pretty quickly...a lot of people on the spectrum do. It becomes more than an emotion...it evolves into a physical anger where you feel like every pulse in your body is blood ready to burst from your veins. It's been an hour since I've had a complete melt down...and my heart is still pounding. Typing this all right now literally feels therapeutic...I feel myself becoming more and more relaxed as I go along, and things seem less and less like the world is crashing down. The pressure on my finger tips on the keys on the keyboard feel like I am releasing the pent of feelings I was storing. I came home from school tonight completely out of control of my emotions. I literally felt like punching something and screaming at the top of my lungs. Instead of that un-healthy behavior that could potentially hurt myself, I've decided to blog.

Again, what happened to get me to this point isn't really important...let's just say I was hurt by a friend I care about a lot. I wish I had told them that I felt angry at them in the moment, and instead I bottled it all up and broke down when I got home...I hate that I do this. I don't like confrontation, but in the moment, it seems better than facing the problem "head on". I think at times, I feel like I can't tell people when I am angry, because I hate myself when I am angry. Unfortunately, I've spent a lot of my life feeling angry, and it's not somewhere I like to re-visit nowadays...running away and being alone always seemed better than putting it all out there and risk losing that relationship. As a defense mechanism, I think I like being the person who chooses to leave vs. being pushed away.

I don't like being angry...but I know that there is some importance in allowing yourself to be angry if you let it out in a healthy away. Punching a wall would be...ouch...and drinking my problems away would be even more ouch. I figure that sharing with people the way I experience the world can help them not only understand people with Autism, but also themselves. I know in my blog I might come across like I have things all figured out about life...but I don't. I have a lot to learn. I'm glad I know how I am when I am angry. Addressing it keeps me from doing stupid things in the moment...ignoring it never helps.

I want to be better at letting people know what I feel about things and being honest with them. I shouldn't have to reserve what I think and feel to keep others comfortable. If they've hurt me, they should know about it. They'll never grow as a person if they aren't aware of the way they might be affecting someone. I know this is easier said than done, but I think it is something that a lot of us tend to forget. You don't have to blow up at people to get your point across...that line can be difficult to find, but it's an important one. The best way I have found is writing it out...verbally communicating it in the moment can be bad because you might wind up saying things you don't mean, or it can be difficult to articulate in a calm way what it is you are exactly trying to say.

I'm happy that I did this...I feel physically much less tense and I can think clearly without profanities clouding my coherent thought process. I figure things can go 1 of 2 ways...I could either let every time I face anger let it defeat me, or I can address it, solve it, and let it go. I've had a lot to overcome in my life...even when I feel worn out an ready to throw the towel, I've got to push through.

Anger can be a good thing...it can motivate people to seek change.

Guess what?

Maddie Dugan is never defeated.

Pinball Confusion

2012-09-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

Autism has many faces. It's one of the most unique "conditions" out there. It is so diverse, mysterious, and quite possibly one of the most fascinating things a person can have. AND...it can affect anyone in many different ways.

It's been a weird journey being the "in between" of Autism...

Anytime I have mentioned that I have Autism to someone, most people generally have the same, glazed look on their face. I think I have mastered the art of mind reading, because as soon as it comes out of my mouth, people's brains start blowing fuses and the thing that was once their brain turns into a pinball machine. They are confused as to why the ball they are playing with in their game doesn't match up with the slots that they are aiming for. And, on top of that, a bagillion lights are going off making it unclear as to what game it is they are even playing anymore. No bonus rounds for them.

In other words...YOU? Really?

I wonder what people expect sometimes when someone tells them they are Autistic. Should I start rolling on the floor, flapping my arms, and foaming at the mouth? Autism doesn't equal freak show. With the look in their eyes, it's like they have opened a can of soda expecting coke and they get pepsi instead and they experience this weird shock. People's image of Autism is of the extremely low functioning, it seems like. If you do meet someone low functioning, they aren't representing the entirety of Autism. Even though there are children and adults on the very low functioning level, it shouldn't be the only thing people look for when encountering an Autistic person.

I don't have to be low functioning in order to be Autistic. I also don't have to have Asperger's syndrome. This also comes as a shock to people when I tell them I'm not Aspi. People's minds, if they know any amount of information on Autism, think someone either has to be, like I said, on the extreme level of low functioning or just have Asperger's. Just so everyone knows, I don't have the right qualifications to have the Asperger's diagnosis. Yet, everyone I talk to about my Autism automatically assumes this is what I have.

Stereotypes are all kinds of fun, aren't they?

This game of pinball I keep having to play with people just gets more and more exciting.

Stereotype pinball...interesting concept.

I'll never forget the one person, who I least suspected to, flat out tell me I wasn't Autistic or anywhere near the spectrum...

I had a therapist for many years of my life, I believe from the age of 10 to around the age of 17 or 18. I have technically been in therapy since the age of 2 (yes, 2...) but the therapist I am going to talk about was the one I had for the longest period of time. I grew to love her. At first, I hated her. A lot. I even told her that a couple of times. I hated her clothes, her hair, pretty much anything I could pick at her for, I hated. I was a little brat at times back then...
At the age of 10 was when I was ready to ditch the whole special education system, so it was then when I thought I didn't need therapy anymore, either. Actually, the big reason I wanted to leave special Ed was because of the embarrassing, large lady with a leg limp and a loud, Jewish mother voice who would come pull me out of my normal class. As if people didn't think I was weird enough, this lady would come bursting through the door and pretty much yelled for me to come follow her...the stares of my peers and snickering was enough for me to want to jump out of the window and go bury my head in the sand box. There wasn't a lot that really mortified me back then after a certain period of time and I was a little de-sensitized to bullying, but this lady managed to accomplish making my existence as an elementary student more of a nightmare than it already was.

WOW, getting a little side-tracked there...I hate having so much to talk about :-)

So, back to my therapist. Going to therapy became like going to see the large, Jewish limpy lady, only no one knew I saw my therapist except my family. It was the concept of it all...having to go see someone and further my feelings of handicap. My therapist was actually a really nice lady. When I was younger, however, I was done feeling like a freak...to me, going to therapy was seeing myself as the child who rolls around on the floor, flapping her arms and foaming at the mouth. I was done feeling like that because it's how I felt every time I got made fun of at school. My therapist helped me through a lot of those feelings, though...after while, I discovered that I was at my best when I was at therapy, in the sense that I was able to be completely myself without worrying how any one else would look at me. It became a place of weekly sanctuary...I personally think everyone would be a lot happier in this world if they went to therapy.

One day, in therapy (I was around the age of 16), we got to talking about my Autism, and I shared with her my feelings of resentment about being Autistic when I was younger, and how I look back at how much I have changed over the years. She looked at me, puzzled.

Remember that pinball machine I mentioned earlier? Hers was going off the charts. And hers looked like the Simpson's pinball, where every time you miss the ball you hear a loud "DOH!" from Homer.

She told me I wasn't Autistic.

Proffesional with a Master's degree in Psychology say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA??

That was the first time in my life that someone, an adult, who had known me for a very long time, told me I wasn't Autistic. She explained that, on my records, I probably had the right diagnosis as a young child, but that in the time that I saw her from the age of 10, she never would have given me that diagnosis. Stunned, I tried explaining all of my sensory integration stuff and how when I get tired you can see it, and she wasn't having any of it. She told me that even with all of that, she wouldn't label me as Autistic. She told me nowadays I just had dysthymia, which is a long-term, chronic depression. I got that, at the time, I was pretty depressed. But, not having Autism?

I got that I was high functioning after I developed throughout my childhood. I wasn't super low functioning, but didn't meet the requirements for Asperger's. It's not like I had been lying to myself...or that adults at school or my parents had lied to me. I felt very confused after she had said that to me. I can understand, after seeing me one day a week, for an hour each time, how you might not see the "Autistic" parts of myself. Even though I had some pent up resentment from the label from when I was younger, I didn't know how could just "be me" without the label always on the back of my mind. It's like she had taken everything I was ever told, drenched it in gasoline and set fire to it. I had resentment about Autism because of the bullying, but it didn't mean that I hadn't clicked with many of the traits that come with it, or that there were parts of Autism that I wasn't actually kind of proud to have...

Over the years, since that therapy session. I've realized some things about myself. I discovered, thanks to my neurologist, that I am in the high functioning category of Autism. I also discovered the idea of a spectrum...that things aren't 2 sided in the world of Autism. I fall where I fall on it, and I don't need approval to be where I fall. I also figured out, with a little soul searching, that labels are over-rated. I know myself...really well. I see all the traits about myself laid out on a table, and even though I consider myself to be Autistic, it doesn't define me. No one's diagnosis should ever define them.

With all the pinball machines I have seen in my life, I don't really let it negatively affect me anymore. I see it as an opportunity for social change...Autism awareness goes past trying to find a cure or whatever. It's about seeing all it has to offer to our world. I might not fit some Autism stereotype, but I embrace the impact it has had on my life without letting it consume all of who I am. Just the other day, I was out with my best friend and his new girl friend, and I was talking about something and just casually brought up having Autism and kept going on with my story. I could see the pinball machine going off in her mind, but I didn't really care. If she really wanted to know more about it, she would have asked, I didn't need to fully explain my diagnosis or validate it for her. It was made clear that it was a part of me without it consuming the conversation. I could carry on and have a good time and just being me.

Pinball machines are all uniquely made, when you think about it...

Not one game is the same. Every game will have different challenges and a different end result.

You can't always win. Some people are just going to be ignorant. I'm cool with that.

I'll keep playing anyway.

<3 Maddie

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely woooorld...

2012-08-28T09:22:00.002-07:00

Picture a young girl...

by herself, in a corner.

The other kids mind their own business, carrying on with their fun.

The girl watches, wondering what normality is like.

She doesn't LIKE being alone...

She would rather it be her choice than theirs.

I find myself to be a funny person. I don't mean funny in the sense that I laugh at my own jokes (ok ok well maybe that IS true...but not what I am referring to.), I mean funny in the sense that I am, and have always been, complex. As a child, I would always watch people, study them, and want to be around them...but their lack of understanding on why I was the way I was kept me from interactions. It was easier for me to sit in shadows and enjoy others play than it was for me to jump in and join...

The fear of rejection is a funny thing, ladies and gents.

Not funny "Ha Ha" but funny "Ha...ha".

Someone I go to church with asked me the other day if I considered myself to be introverted or extroverted. He commented that he found most people on the spectrum to be introverted and not all that interested in people, and thought it was interesting that I am so talkative and personable. I didn't know how to answer him exactly...

Again, I'm complex.

Things aren't black and white in my world.

Dare I bring up a "spectrum" of colors reference?

From the way I see it, most people on the spectrum that I have encountered appear to be introverted...until you get them talking about something of their interest or knowledge base...then you can't get them to shut up (I mean that in the BEST of ways, trust me, I love it!). As a child, I was more or less this way. I didn't really speak to people unless I was approached, or I would try speaking to people at inappropriate times and not in the most socially acceptable way.

I've always been interested in people. People FASCINATE me...hence why I love theater. My favorite activity is people watching or facebook stalking (yes, I admit it, I am a HUGE facebook stalker). I like knowing what makes people the way they are...their tics, their joy triggers, their sense of humors, etc. Seeing romance blossoming is, to me, one of the greatest things a person can witness.

However, if you were to ask me to make a phone call to someone I don't know that well...

I freak. Big time.

I don't get full blown anxiety attacks or have a phone phobia or anything like that...I'm just really not good at initiating a conversation with someone I don't have a personal connection with. Not only that, but I am BAD at asking people for favors or asking them questions. I fear bothering people...I think so much of my life has been spent feeling like I was bothersome to people, or that people had to always go way out of their way to support me. So then those feelings of resentment have kept me from being able to verbally confront people, in a good or bad way. I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum or people who are "special", but I can't imagine this not being a common feeling among "my people".

I'm extroverted if you come to me. I can't explain why. I'm pretty much cool with talking to anyone and getting to know them...but if I am the person who has to do it, it takes A LOT for me to get there. I laugh that people think I am this huge social butterfly...

This butterfly still has cocoon wrapped around her wings.

Makes flying just a liiiiittle difficult.

You know those questions on surveys when you have to say your ideal working situation? I always say that I prefer working independently. Shocking to some people, right? I'm a thinker...I process everything in my head and formulate ideas best when I write. If I have to speak with a bunch of people in a collaborative manner, my ideas don't always come across in the best way. It's not that I don't enjoy working with people, because again, I like people, but I would rather work on my portion of a project independently. Again, the fear of having my ideas rejected is something I dread. Feelings on inadequacy...

I used to watch the movie "Shrek" and know exactly how he must have felt. Having people chase you down with burning pitch forks, running you out of town. I used to see myself in this light. The fear of showing who I was to the world kept me from real relationships.

Knowing yourself is the most important thing you can do. I am aware of how I work best, but it's not because of fear anymore. I don't know when it happened exactly, I want to say more in the college years, I got over it. I decided that it was better to own who I was and be proud of it than to keep up this act of being a way that I thought people needed me to be like in order to like me. Pay attention...this didn't click for me until COLLEGE. It's not like this is the easiest thing in the world to come by...obviously I got glimses of it earlier on in high school and what not, but I noticed that I was never the same person around groups of people I knew.

Now, I'm me everywhere...

Politically, socially (acceptable and not acceptable :)), physically, etc.

I really appreciate those of you following my writing. This newly discovered vulnerability has not only been a healing process for myself, but it's reached parents and other people who have benefited from my story. I have found so much gratification from your notes, words of encouragement, and comments about my blog. It's nice knowing you aren't the only person who feels a certain way. What's better than even being able to write about it, is to talk about it...bringing up my autism casually in conversation has been the biggest relief and gift I could ever have.

All I've ever wanted, even from my childhood, was to help people. I feel called to it. I've wanted nothing more than to try and make a difference in the world. This is certainly getting me in the right direction.

Rejection is done standing in my way.

The movie never ends, it goes

and on

an onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Oh Journey...why did Glee have to ruin you?

Anyway, hope you are all having a good summer :-)

<3 Maddie

Grass

2012-08-12T13:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like on the other side...

they say the grass is greener...

but is it *really*?

I remember the first time my parents told me that I was autistic. I was around the age of 10. I had heard the term vaguely on T.V or in people's conversations, but no one had ever told me that I was autistic until later in my childhood. I didn't get it.To me, my behavior and functioning was just who I was...I didn't think it was labeled with anything other than "weirdo". I remember being told I was "special"...but aren't all kids told that they are special? I guess I didn't get what kind of "special" people really meant when they labeled me as "special"...

I remember not knowing how to really react to it. I was a little shocked, a little angry, and in that moment I felt more stupid having my ignorance being taken away from me than I did every other day before being told the news. Having that label being brought to my attention was probably the hardest but greatest thing to happen to me.
I obviously haven't owned having autism the entirety of my diagnosis like I have now, as an adult. "Autism" felt like this huge secret I didn't want people finding out about when I was younger. I was super emberassed of the word. With the way some adults in my life put the word on me, it was highly belittling of my actual intelligence. I have always been smart...I'd share my actual IQ with you, but I don't find much importance in doing so. The point is, I'm smart, and I pick up on certain things MUCH more quickly than people around me. When I was younger and teachers found out I had Autism, they didn't always treat me as a capable student. For a few years of my life, I ditched the special education system because I wanted a chance at a "normal" education and pretty much wanted to forget the fact that I was autistic (and did need some help with certain things still).
Obviously, there were times when everyone could see my behavioral abnormalities, my tantrums, my struggles academically. I would much rather have people think that I was a normal "alien-like" person than an actual alien. I can't remember the exact point in my life when I decided to embrace autism (and even go so far as to want to tattoo a puzzle piece on my arm), but I do now.

I see the differences in myself and neuro-typical people. I think differently. I don't act *as* differently in public nowadays, but I still see where the line is drawn.

I wonder about this line...is either side better than the other one?

"Thank God I'm not autistic"...why? What is the point of saying that? I don't regret being autistic. I resent the people that treated me with cruelty because of it. Why are we, as all human beings, never content with how we are? I can't say that I've always been content with myself, but I certainly don't wish to be one of the people who treated me so badly just to be a "normal" person. Forget normality. It's over-rated. Even normal people have things they want to change about themselves. I just wish that people didn't say things like "Thank God I'm not autistic". It hurts. It takes away everything we have had to work toward to be able to associate with people, our natural intelligence, our ability to see the things you miss. Autism isn't a disability. It's a different way of looking at the world...and just because it isn't yours doesn't make it bad.

So...the greener grass? Spoiler alert: It doesn't exist.

You are always going to wish you were on the other side, always wanting what you can't have.

Hitting the point in my life when I could be open about being autistic was one of the coolest things I've ever accomplished. Sure, learning how to put paper in a straight line was alright, and learning how to nod politely while people talked to show you were engaged in conversation has it's uses, but being able to tell people "This is a part of me" is beautiful. And guess what? No one gives me crap about it. People, surprisingly, like this fact about me. Subconsciously or consciously, it might change the way they look at me, but the ones who matter to me are the ones who have stuck around.

I'm rolling around in a field...the grass is fresh, sometimes damp, sometimes dry, and it's open to all

I look up at the sky, and I don't dream for what I don't have, I dream for acceptance

I see all that is around me, and I wouldn't change a damn thing.

See your grass. It's green, trust me.

Maddie

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Spectrum: Sensory

2012-08-01T13:26:00.001-07:00

Come here often?

Good.

I have more to share with you :)

Last time, I talked about different ways you can handle situations in a classroom setting with an Autistic person. Now, I want to touch on something...

Hah...that's funny. "Touch on something"...

Let's talk about sensory (insert cool reverb here)!

"Sensory integration disorder or dysfunction (SID) is a neurological disorder that results from the brain's inability to integrate certain information received from the body's ve basic sensory systems. These sensory systems are responsible for detecting sights, sounds, smell, tastes, temperatures, pain, and the position and movements of the body." { Stolen from thefreedictionary.com

The way I describe to most people my sensory sensitivities is like this...we all, as human beings, have 5 senses (minus the deaf, blind, etc. obviously).

Touch...

Sight...

Hearing...

Taste...

Smell...

And there's that one kid in that Bruce Willis movie who sees dead people. Good for him. The rest of us generally have 5.
Fun fact: We actually are born with MORE than 5...but I'm just going to cover the ones most of us are aware of :)

For someone with Autism, these 5 senses are amplified, or they are under the level of normality. Hyper and Hypo sensitivity.

One of the BIGGEST characteristics of someone on the autism spectrum is to have sensory processing (or integration) disorder. ***

***Note, once again...this is not speaking for EVERYONE on the spectrum. It is very common, however, to have some kind of sensory sensitivity or processing problem with autism.

If it isn't actually diagnosed, more than likely, people with Autism generally have difficulty, on some level, with sensory.

Here are some examples of sensory problems I have had (or still do), and what people should be aware of for dealing with people on the spectrum (because, from what I have seen, people with autism tend to feel similarly about certain sensory triggers)

TOUCH:

When I was younger, touch was a big deal for me. I hated being lightly touched. I either needed to be squeezed tightly in a hug, or generally not touched at all. I wasn't a cuddly child, and I hated having my hair brushed. For someone with autism, it can feel similar to an electrical shock, or a bee sting, or a paper cut...anything on that scale that is a sharp and often uncomfortable touch. I also liked being thrown to the ground. The pressure from falling and landing on the ground like a belly flop was REALLY soothing for me. My mother joked that she wondered if people thought she was abusing me when I was younger, because she would literally push me to the ground and I would ask for it over and over again. The rapidness of it and the adrenaline rush felt good for someone who felt like they could explode at any second. Often, I felt all kinds of pent up tension inside of myself and often I would not know how to handle this build up of anger...

My parents had all kinds of tools they used for me when I was younger. I had a treasure chest filled with rice that I would touch, I slept in a hammock for a while (that was fun :)), I was in the pool A LOT (hours and hours and hours...I think being autistic made me a good swimmer!), all kinds of different things. I needed things to touch because every part of my body felt ultra sensitive.

Today, I'm not as sensitive about touch...I enjoy hugs, I can handle people touching my shoulder when they talk to me, etc...if you read my blog post about being a werewolf, you'll understand that I am sensitive to it when I am tired. I tell my husband that the best thing to do for me when I am upset is to give me a big, tight hug where it seems like for anyone else it would be painful, or to just not touch me. If you were to brush a feather on me when I was tired or upset, I would feel literally like punching a wall it hurts that badly. Many people feel similarly if they are on the spectrum...

For the record...when I give birth some day, I WILL demand an epidural. I'm not toughing it out.

Drug me up.

Things as a parent or person encountering a person with autism should know about touch:

Ask. Ask ask ask ASK ask. If you find that there is some reason you absolutely need to touch us, it's better to be safe than sorry. Again, not everyone on the spectrum has an issue with touch, but it's appreciated when you keep that in mind! (This doesn't really go for me much except if I seem visibly upset or shut down...then your touch may be unwelcome.) If you have a sensory difficult child and need to touch them, firm is better than soft generally...don't be nice about it. The firmness of your hand on ours can feel comforting.

We like to feel secure and tight in small spaces (If any of you know Temple Grandin, google her. She talks all about this as an autistic person who studies animals...it's fascinating). If we are being tucked into bed, we like the feeling of a cocoon...tightly wound up, our whole bodies feeling hugged around. Sleeping in a hammock was actually really nice...it just didn't work well with the walls in my parents house. Think about this for your child, or if you have a hard time sleeping and you are an autistic person.

Just because we don't reciprocate physical touch does not mean we do not love you. I know many parents who feel like they aren't connected to their child because they don't enjoy their touch. Even though we might not like the way you show your affection doesn't mean we don't have any for you. It's important to keep that in mind...I know that neuro-typical people often have physical touch be a part of how they express that they care, but that doesn't mean it is the only way. We like you all the same if you try to understand the ways we show we care that may not be in your way :)

And now I have "Let's Get Physical" stuck in my head...

moving on...

SIGHT:

SO many people with autism are visual learners. As a friend of mine put it the other day, we miss the things you see, but you also miss the things we see. Although we can seem like we are oblivious to a lot of things, we actually have very heightened visual senses. I find that I see a lot of minor details that most people would normally overlook in certain situations. I notice many things...I find myself constantly looking around a room, seeing everyone in the room's faces, the cracks in the walls, whats out the window, counting the moles on people, etc. I feel like I can see everything without even trying that hard. People might find it rude when I don't always make eye contact...but a lot of the time, I have a better time retaining what you are saying when I don't look at you in the eye...I am an odd-ball for sure :)

I think sight is my strongest (and favorite) sense...I have a really good eye for color, (again) I notice things most people don't, I'm REALLY good at puzzles, I always pass those "mind trick" drawings, etc. I think the down side to my strong sight is that I have a really hard time being outside in the sun for long periods of time without sunglasses on...good thing they look fabulous on me :)

Sight is one of those things that, if I am tired, if combined with other senses, can be hard to deal with. If you are at a really loud concert with smoke machines and bright lights...it can get super overwhelming.
I am also VERY easily distracted...it can be hard to get a person with Autism's attention because we are so busy mentally soaking in everything in a room that we forget about what you might necessarily want.
People on the spectrum have a hard time keeping track of things...I find myself losing things CONSTANTLY. I have to work very hard to keep track of things among my "organized chaos".
There is also difficulty with spacial relationships...I have a hard time parking my car sometimes because I get anxious about hitting the car next to me, even though I may have "plenty of space".

Things as a parent or person encountering a person with autism should know about sight:

Here's the deal: Eye contact is a socially acceptable behavior in American culture. It is a sign of respect, and it shows that you are engaged in conversation. However, like I have said before...

We don't speak your neuro-typical language!

We modify behaviors to make YOU feel more comfortable...

I feel kind of strongly about this, and I know people won't necessarily agree with me. I feel like eye contact when speaking with someone isn't the most important skill to develop. I, personally, have worked very hard to change this behavior for myself because it is a big part of theater and it builds a connection with my scene partner. However, I don't see why people get so bent out of shape about eye contact...there are so many other things you could be focusing on with your child to help them relate to other people, making eye contact isn't the end all of end all. Look at some Asian cultures...a lot of them have a hard time finding jobs in America because eye contact isn't part of their culture. In fact, making eye contact with someone who is superior than you is considered rude. Employers feel offended and then that Asian person doesn't get the job, even if they were the most qualified. It's crap. We as an American culture should try and have a better understanding of communication, verbal and non-verbal. Again, just because we "special people" don't look you in the eye all the time doesn't mean we don't care. In fact, it could mean for some of us that we do care and that we are trying to tune in our auditory senses to hear what you are saying, and cannot do that at the same time as you are speaking. It's ok. Our culture has this thing about being offended all the time...

Get over it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tn2EhGK5ok

Now, I'm not saying that someone with Autism NEVER has to make eye contact...it can be a good teaching tool. But you don't have to nail it into our heads how important it is to look at your eyes...we get it. Saying it over and over again doesn't help and it doesn't help us see the point in doing so. There are worse things we could be doing, let's be honest. Some of you don't have very interesting eyes anyway ;)

Other than that...just keep in mind the things I said above about brightness, losing things and whatever. Again, if you have the ability to look into occupational therapy, I would highly consider it. Desensitizing senses can make life SO much easier for us (again, not for YOU, but for US).

Still with me?

Need a vodka break?

Stop it. It's 1 in the afternoon.

Let's keep going!

HEARING:

I hear everything or I hear nothing. I can hear a conversation clear as day in another room, or you can be trying to get my attention while I'm sitting right next you and I literally can't hear you. It's much better now than it was when I was younger...trust me. Hearing is one of the biggest hurdles I have tried to overcome, and many people like myself still are trying to overcome. My parents thought I might be deaf before I was diagnosed...I wasn't responding to my name and I also didn't really speak till age 4 (now you can't really get me to shut up!) Remember my blog about the fireworks? It's like that with any kind of sudden, loud noise...I tend to freak out a little. I only do a little on a normal day, but the werewolf thing can happen when I am tired, and it becomes a much bigger deal than it really needs to be. I feel like I can walk into a room and hear all the details of every conversation, I memorize songs by listening to them once...hearing can be quite fun. Or a big pain in the ass. Being given instructions or notes about things can be ridiculously hard for me...if I look at you funny after you have given me a list of tasks, just know it probably went way over my head and that I either need it repeated or I need to go write it down. I've gotten better at advocating for this sort of thing, but it can be hard to remember in the moment. Surprisingly, I have a really easy time articulating my thoughts or ideas, and a lot of people on the spectrum struggle with this. However, I think I may have undiagnosed dyslexia when reading things out loud for the first time (why did I go into acting again...?). It's like hearing the sound of my own voice catches me off guard when I am also trying to process the information I just read. Too many things going on at once. I hate hate HATE when multiple people try talking to me at once. I literally cannot process everything all of you are trying to tell me at once, and it gives me a great amount of frustration. Hearing is awesome and awful all at the same time. Unfortunately, sometimes one of the only things to help myself when I am frustrated and tired is to swear, it's therapeutic. The crispness of cuss words literally feel like I am popping bubble wrap...it's soothing.

A little advice...

-When giving instructions to someone with Autism, if you can, write it down. The combination of you telling the tasks to us AND showing them can help us process it better.

-Try not to have multiple people speaking at us at one time. Most likely, it won't stick, and it drives most of us nuts more than it helps.

-Be mindful of loud, sudden noises...we can't always help feeling overwhelmed by it, and things happen, but if you can, remember it.

-Calling our names from across a room isn't the *best* way to get our attention...in fact, for many of us, that is one of the first signs in getting our diagnosis. Come closer, we don't bite...hard.

-If someone can't articulate a thought or an idea verbally, see if they will write it out. That can help them process their thoughts.

TASTE:

There are some foods in my life that I have maybe tried once or twice that I will never eat again in my entire life. Did it taste bad? Not necessarily. More often than not, someone with Autism will have a hard time eating certain foods because of the texture. Hypo side of this: I would eat weird things and not realize that it was bad...like the one time I ate a slug when I was little and it had no effect on me what-so-ever. Luckily, I grew out of a lot of my texture sensitivities...seriously. I've come far. I was the kid that literally ate nothing but Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches the early parts of my life. Up until the age of 19 or 20 I literally didn't eat vegetables. Now, I've found stuff that I like that is good for me. It can be really hard to explain why texture is a big deal...it literally feels like eatting nails when some things have a weird texture to them. Now, I don't walk around looking at foods and going "that looks weird, or is bumpy, so I won't eat it" (to be honest...somethings I haven't tried because they are kind of strange looking). But, you never know unless you try. I've had to learn that my whole life...not just with food, but with everything! The best thing a parent can do for a child with Autism is to guide them to try new things...food seems like such a basic idea to do this, but it really is a big deal. If I hadn't had my husband getting me to eat new things, I wouldn't have found some of my new favorite foods! We don't have to like everything, but if you give us options, eventually we will find something we like. Parents: you don't have to settle and stay comfortable with the same foods...find what works, and then see if you can build off of what you find is good. Finding foods your child likes is good...but there are so many possibilities you might not have even thought of. If they are having a hard time getting a balanced meal, look into what options you can find. Lack of veggies? Try veggie juice to get the right servings. We don't need to eat like the rest of the world to get what we need out of life...try and find what works. A big part of the whole taste thing is age...many autistic people grow out of their taste sensitivities, like all humans do with age, it's just more of an extreme for us.

SO...

Don't knock it till you try it :)

SMELL:

To put it simply, Autistic people with sensory integration disorder...

-have difficulty discriminating unpleasant odors

-are unable to identify smells from scratch 'n sniff stickers

-don't notice odors that others usually complain about

-fail to notice or ignores unpleasant odors

-make excessive use of smelling when introduced to objects, people, or places

Some of us need a little help :) Keep us away from poisonous things, obviously. But if we like things you don't, or vise versa...not judging. Ok? Thank you.

It's kind of cool how I can smell a lot of things...but it can get overwhelming. I am really good at differentiating similar smells.

So, I know this was super long, but I hope you got a lot out of it...

I think I have harnessed my Autistic tendancies into a super power...

Turn bad things into good. Don't dwell...accept.

<3 Maddie

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spectrum: The Classroom Setting

2012-07-22T22:17:00.001-07:00

Hey...you.

Yes, YOU!

Ever find yourself wondering about how to relate to an Autistic person in the real world?

Wish you knew the right things to say...or not say?

Here is your chance to learn.

Right now.

Yes, NOW.

My husband raised up an interesting question for me to think about for my blog...he, being a neuro-typical person, wondered about what sort of advice do I have for neuro-typical people who want to either encourage that self-advocacy or accommodate someone with autism. Secondly, he asked what is it like on "planet autism"?

SO, I, Maddie T Dugan, am giving you my two cents on, from my own experience, not only being autistic but working with autistic kids, encouraging self-advocacy and accommodation. It's something everyone should be aware of, and something people are going to have to deal with more and more as this generation of kids grows up in our society. These are going to be broken up into different posts. ***

***Note: My advice is going to be based around dealing with older children, teenagers and adults with autism. Working with young kids (newly diagnosed) is an entirely different field of it's own and I am not here to try and tell parents and adults how to raise their autistic child or teach one (even if I did, it would take MANY more posts to cover it all). There are many books out there for that. Teenagers and adults have a more likely chance of being on the higher functioning side, so this particular blog post is more focused on them.

There are many different kinds of settings you can potentially run into a person with autsim...the work place, school, social events, walking the streets of a downtown city...we are everywhere. This post is not aimed at excusing bad behaviors, or at trying to change a person with autism. The spectrum is SO huge, so I am giving you a brief idea of the kinds of things you can do when encountering a person with autism (again, based off of my own personal experience...this probably does not apply to all of us on the spectrum). I am going to give you a couple different and common scenarios through these next few posts and walk you through the kinds of things you can do to help the situation.

So...here we go!

Let's start with a small and common situation for an autistic person...

CLASSROOM SETTING:

This is for teachers and for students. A common behavior for an autistic person is to talk out of turn, interrupt someone, or speak apathetically to a sensitive topic, not being totally aware of the social consequences of these behaviors. A general note...most people on the spectrum aren't concerned with your feelings. Just like with anyone in this world, you can't make someone care about something. They have to learn by observation of other people what is ok and what is not.

-If you are a teacher, you should have the same rules for all of your children in the classroom, and have the same consequences. If ANYONE talks out of turn, or interrupts someone, they should receive an appropriate warning or consequence. If you allow children in your classroom to get away with these behaviors, an autistic person may see it as an O.K behavior and do the behavior in a more abrupt and less appropriate way than someone not on the spectrum. Have the same rules for all of your kids, and the autistic child will learn by example and repetition. If the child is totally WAY out of control and causing a massive disruption to the classroom setting, maybe look at an alternative learning setting for them. A child who interrupts or occasionally has rude moments is not hopeless. The best thing you can do is have patience with them. There are things that don't click with us the same way it might with other children.Yelling at the child or simply telling them to stop is not helpful and will get you no where. Autistic people need SPECIFICITY. If you explain to a child why they should change a certain behavior, it will have more of a pay off than "Because I said so" (again, this is more for autistic people who are higher functioning). Remember that the more kindness and care you show an autistic child, the more it will pay off in the long run and the more they may embrace your kind behavior towards other people. Also, allowing students to take breaks is a huge plus. I've been there...sometimes I still am there! It allows us to have time to collect our thoughts and then come back into a situation appropriately. If you keep trying to push them to do something and you don't allow them time to analyze a situation, it can end badly (explosion, feeling overwhelmed, shut down, etc.) rather than just taking extra time with a spectrum student to help them go at their own pace. Education should be about helping ALL students, even if it isn't helping them all in the same way.

Still with me?

I just took a vodka break.

By the way..."Skinny Girl" Vodka is amazing. Go buy it.

Now I'm on a roll...

-If you are a student who is frustrated with an autistic peer...read on. This is important, and the more aware you are now of how you should react, the easier time you will have in your future encounters with autistic people.

You cannot change who we are. I know it can be difficult to understand us at times, but telling us to shut up or whatever doesn't help us understand how to relate to you. We want to learn. We are fascinated by the world around us. People are usually the last things on our mind. If an autistic person cuts you off in the middle of class or tells you that you are wrong, let the teacher handle it. If the teacher doesn't help right away, talk to the teacher privately at another time. The best thing you can do, as a peer, is to change your mindset. Most autistic people aren't intending to be rude when they "act out" in a classroom. You should look at it like we are just really excited to participate in a discussion, or that we are just wanting to learn more about what is going on. Try taking something that looks like a negative behavior, let the teacher handle the negative aspect of it, and try and find a way to support your peer. I know this is a very mature way of looking at things, and it isn't going to be easy all the time, but the bottom line is that it isn't your job as a student to put your input into how someone else is behaving. You just do your job, to learn, as best as you can. Again, if it is really a major issue, talk to your teacher away from actual class time. Think about if you were in a forgien country and everyone just shouted at you, hoping you would understand their language. Not so effective, huh? People on the spectrum are often suggestible...it's important to try and not be manipulative with them. Being straight forward and honest will help them AND you. Being confrontational isn't a good way to approach anyone...let alone someone who can easily feel attacked and might say or do something to make the situation worse. You can't control whether or not they explode, but you CAN find ways to approach them in a way that will make that less likely to happen. "Hey! Stop it! It was my turn to speak!" is not helpful. It isn't calm, and it isn't helping an autistic person realize why what they did was bad. A private conversation where you say "Hey, I noticed in class that you interrupted me while I was talking. I liked what you had to say, but I had some important points I wanted to make. Could you wait next time? I would really appreciate that.". This will help immensely.

To both parties: patience goes a long way. Seriously. I know it can be hard in the heat of a moment, but your success in this particular setting will benefit you more if you take a step back and put yourselves in the other person's shoes. Your impatient behavior will only show someone with autism that it is OK to talk to people in a short manner. We all learn from behaviors we see, especially from someone on the spectrum. Merely telling autistic to stop doesn't go a long way...be blunt with them. Explain clearly why something is not good to do, and why another behavior would have a better benefit for them (again, this is more for teachers, peers should try and mind their own business in a classroom setting). I have had my share of bad experiences with teachers and students at school...we, as autistic people, also need to learn where the line is crossed. We can't get there unless YOU draw it. Our impulsiveness and lack of awareness of other peoples feelings keep us from knowing where you are uncomfortable. However, autistic people are not supposed to change our behaviors to make YOU happy. We are in school for our own benefit, and our experience will be a smoother one if we can get along with the people around us. We are not responsible for how you feel, we are only responsible for ourselves. And WE will be happy if we get the most productive use of our time...which means learning how to be patient ourselves and listening to what other people have to say. It takes two to tango. We aren't trying to change who we are...we are just enhancing the best part of ourselves.

By the way...

If you EVER have questions for me...please ask!!

I don't bite. No question is stupid to me.

Except the chicken or the egg thing...that is a stupid question. Everything else is fair game.

I know this post is pretty general and probably only scratching the surface of things I could cover on this particular matter. I can't give you advice that will service all people, either (Again, this is all from my experiences and observation). Disney Land wasn't built in a day. I'm trying to give you, my readers, a start of changing how you look at the world...because guess what? Autistic people are part of it. We all have things to work on, and we can't be perfect. But if you start by putting one brick down, you are that much closer to building a house.

There I go with my metaphors again...

Silly Maddie. Time for bed. Oh, and vodka.

Good night :)

<3 Maddie

Aliens on Planet "Typical"

2012-07-19T11:29:00.001-07:00

Good Morning!

I hope you are all having an amazing summer like I am! Even with a sprained ankle (from who knows what...), this has been quite the packed vacation for me.

I feel like I've come across a slight "writer's block" with my blog. I've already had parents emailing me telling me that my blog has really been eye opening for them in their journey with their autistic child...which was exactly my goal with all of this! The fear of disappointing people has been looming over me...

A little fact about myself:

I hate being wrong...

...or messing something up and being corrected about it...

...or feeling inadequate at something I want to feel confident in.

Oh, I also hate chalk boards. And broccoli. Just FYI.

I realize that these aren't uncommon dislikes. It's something, however, that gets amplified for a person with Autism. Our entire lives growing up are based around correcting behaviors, understanding social norms, cutting a piece of paper in a straight line, speech therapy, occupational therapy, seeing pictures of peoples faces OVER AND OVER again until you can explain the facial expression. Our whole mission is to wire our brain so that our awkwardly shaped puzzle piece can fit into society's. That is for any special needs kid. Because of this, I have spent my adult life getting easily frustrated when I mess something up because I've been in that place over and over again. So when it comes to messing up something I feel like I know I can do, yes, I will have a mental (and sometimes outward) shut down about it...but I've promised myself I will never let anything bring me down and give up. I'm pretty stubborn about things. Society needs to understand that even though people march to the beat of their own drum, it can still function with people learning and looking at the world differently.

Imagine that you were born on a different planet. You spent some time there, by yourself, and then someone came and found you and brought you back to earth. All earthlings are born with lack of understanding of what earth is, but the discovery process happens differently for a child with Autism. You see people try and make you act a certain way, eat certain things, see, watch, and hear different things...but they just don't click with you. You can't analyze how a person feels based on their face because that wasn't how you were wired to see the world. It's understandable why kids with autism retreat to being in their own little worlds...they aren't being reached out to in ways that click with them. It's like having someone make you analyze and report on an article written in Japanese and you haven't learned a word of Japanese in your life, nor understand anything about Japanese culture. Autistic people have to make themselves understand enough about the society we live in to get by without getting in trouble, but that doesn't mean it still clicks with us. We see the world and want to explore the mechanics of it all, we are less concerned about how it makes you feel in the process...which is ironic, because I've spent my teenage and adult life trying to figure out how people work but haven't necessarily been concerned with the minor details of the way things function (I think I'm the weirdo in the Autistic community...).

Assuming that everyone understands conceptual things on the same level is just ignorant. It's no good trying to tell someone with Autism (a lot of people on the spectrum, that is) that they need to speak and look you in the eye at the same time. It is obviously a societal norm to look people in the eye and speak to them at the same time...to you, it shows respect and that you are engaged in a conversation. A lot of people with Autism have a hard time retaining information if we have to multi task with it. For instance, I can look at you and listen to what you have to say, but if I have to relay information to you, it is easier for me to look away and collect my thoughts because I can't be distracted by the look you are giving me while I am trying to speak. There are many things like this that neuro-typical people don't understand because they have not been explained to properly about it.

Well, here I am. An open book.

Autistics...we are taking over the world.

Better get used to it.

With the rate at which Autism is being found in young people, our society WILL be filled with people who don't go about living life, learning, and relating to people the same as "everyone else". I don't mean to say that Autistic people have any excuse for settling for bad behavior (I know too many people like that and it infuriates me), but what you may consider "bad" behavior might not actually be all that bad. If a kid is more interested in building models of helicopters than they are about making Valentine's Day cards, what is the big deal? We don't all have to be interested in the same kinds of things. My older brother is a business entrepreneur graduate from Baylor. He likes business and he has the right mentality for it. Just because I have been at a "community" college (Bellevue College ditched "Community" in it's name) and have been studying theater does not make me any less of a person. I found what I love and I am pursuing it. We don't all have to be big, successful people making lots of money and buying yachts (my brother does not own a yacht...yet).

I know I need to work on taking criticism better, I don't get to be a bad sport about things just because I have Autism. But the point is, Autistic people get a lot of undeserved crap about things (esspecially in the education system, unfortunately). Our interests do not have to match up with the "dream life" parents imagine for their kids. We shouldn't have to go about doing homework and what not the same way as neuro-typical people. It's getting to the end point that should be the goal. Life's paths don't have to go in the same direction. Not everyone is meant to go to college. We don't all have to eat broccoli...I know, I really should though.

We can all, as people living on this planet...

alien or not...

choose our own path.

Eat your vegetables. Do as I say, not as I do.

<3 Maddie

Fireworks Vs. The Werewolves

2012-07-05T23:10:00.001-07:00

Happy belated 4th of July, everyone!

Thank God it's over...

Why, you ask?

Because the 4th of July is an Autistic's nightmare.

I've been asked recently what traits I have nowadays that make me autistic. It's funny how in recent years, during my every day life, I will forget that I am autistic. If I were to go into a Dr's office during the day time, I would probably not get an autism diagnosis anymore. I am *very* high functioning...I manage to keep decent eye contact, I can make myself focus on most things, I socialize probably more than I should...etc. In general, I have a pretty O.K time getting by in society...

Until I get tired.

Then all goes to hell.

I can turn into an absolute wreck when I am tired. I lose impulse control, I have minor ticks, my pain tolerance is basically non existent, and I become overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. I normally have pretty heightened senses to things, but it just becomes more so when I am tired. I smell, hear, see, taste, and feel everything at extremes. I get extremely overwhelmed.

One can call me...a werewolf of the night...

...only not as hairy.

Oh, and I don't eat people.

YAY THERAPY!

.........................

So, the 4th of July...after being out all day doing 4th of July like things (picnicking, swimming, walking, laughing, eating, etc) that can make a person pretty tired by the end of the day...and then the fire works come. I've been around fireworks enough to adapt to the sounds and be alright...and being up close to the bright lights isn't bad if I take pictures and don't look directly at them. The combination of it all can really wear me out...but not right away. It's all fine...and then the walk back to the car, being surrounded by people EVERYWHERE; smelling their food, feeling like you can literally hear every conversation happening as it walks by...and then the pain in my legs from moving around all day wouldn't normally be so bad...none of this would be...but I was tired.

REALLY

TIRED

I didn't have a big melt down at the park...although, that would have been kind of amusing watching an adult woman freak out...I waited till I got home, of course. Anyone who has known me for an extended period of time knows this about me at times like these. It can be hard to explain to people why I seem shut off from everything sometimes. The trick, I have learned, is that I need to advocate for myself when I am in a good state, so that they understand what is going on when it happens. It's like when I had to explain to my husband when we were dating that stuff like this would happen...and now we are married, and, unfortunately, he sees the worst of it. The screaming, the heightened pain, the needing to punch things or kick (I don't at him, I usually find other things), the in-coherency...

Fun times, right?

I've had to learn how to keep doing things I love in a way that keeps me sane. I usually didn't go out at night during high school for this exact reason...I just couldn't handle it. Medication (not in recent years, I've been off any kind of medication for 4 ish years) has helped me get to a place that these symptoms wouldn't affect me on a daily basis. I can usually keep my cool in front of most people, then I get home and "let loose". I know I can't be easy to live with at times, but I am thankful that my husband gets to see the day time me more than the night time!

I watch so many people have issues like mine, or worse, and don't clue people in on it. I've known people where they wouldn't tell me they had some sort of special need, and then something would happen, and they would freak out about it. Most of the time, I suspect something before hand (having been around enough special needs people) and most of the time wait for them to tell me what is going on. I understand being embarrassed by a certain condition, or you haven't come to terms with it. It isn't easy to let people know about your weaknesses. Vulnerability can be pretty nerve-racking. I learned in high school that I needed to get over it. Who cares if I am autistic? No one, EVER, has made fun of me for it when I've told them. I've had people be in disbelief, but no one has ever laughed at me for being this way...

...to my face...then again, I don't really know what kinds of things they would say behind my back..."OOOOH, MADDIE HAS A HARD TIME FOCUSING, CAN'T DO MATH WELL AND SMELLS STUFF!! AH HA HA HA!!!"

Yeah...I'm really torn up at the thought of it.

All I'm saying is that if you have any kind of disability, or some thing is harder for you than it is for other people, there isn't a reason why you shouldn't talk about it. I have found, more than I expected, that a lot of people have similar issues to me that AREN'T even on the spectrum (that they are aware of)! Or they tell me that they are, and that is also comforting. If you don't let people know about the things you need, or if you don't explain why you have a certain behavior, no one will ever know, and then something will happen and people will just be confused by it. The worst thing that happens when you tell people something is that they think you are full of shit...but who cares?! Let them go, they can be stuck in their own ignorance and you don't want people around like that anyway. I have had to explain, mostly to teachers, about my classroom needs. I CANNOT sit in the back of any classroom. I will learn nothing and doodle on my hand in sharpie until the cows come home. I need extended time on certain kinds of tests because I get test anxiety and it's hard to calm down and focus on the test.

I have to explain to people sometimes why I can't look and speak to them at the same time. The list goes on...in college, I have had to be very verbal about this to my proffs. In high school, they (the special ed department) held your hand along and helped you write letters to your teachers and actually talked to them. They were supportive in helping us support ourselves. Because of what we were taught in High School, I had the right tools for self advocacy. It's so different being totally on your own instead of having someone tell you that you need to start being on your own. And it's like that in the real world, too...you need to be self sufficient to get by in society.

The more open you are about yourself to the world, the easier it will be for them to accept you (and others like you.) Whether you believe it or not, there are understanding people out there who will listen if you tell them something. Expecting awareness and understanding won't help change anything. If we don't talk to people about our issues, we will never help people realize that not everyone is the same. It doesn't even have to be a disability...it can be anything, really. You can tell the world about your Magic addiction...it's ok, there are people who understand (I'm talking to you, Michael Lacker.)

Admitting to people who you are will help you come to terms with it...trust me.

Society doesn't need perfection from you...it needs honesty.

...and on that note, good night, people.

<3 Maddie :)

It's Not Over Till The Fat Lady Blogs

2012-06-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

Good evening, morning, afternoon...whenever you are reading this! It's night right now for me, and I have the sudden urge to write :)

I just got done ranting on Facebook about women's self image. I went on this tangent because of a picture of a girl (who shall remain nameless...I'm not even FB friends with this person, the picture came up in my feed because of one of my friends "liking" the picture) who was in the bathroom, tugging at the side of one of her hips. The photo caption was "Finally! My 5 pound weight loss...goodbye flabby grossness! Can't believe I was ever 5 pounds heavier! How disgusting! Glad to be a more beautiful me!"

...Really?

5 pounds?

Wow.

I think my food baby just shed a tear.

I was literally speechless. Is this what has become of our culture? I'm pretty sure the girl in the picture was no older than 14. It made me want to cry. I could not believe that this girl not only felt so terrible about herself being 5 pounds heavier, but that people were LIKING the post like it deserved this big vitrual support.

That wasn't support. It was destructive to this young girl's self image.

Anyone who has met me in person knows that I am not small...by any stretch of the imagination. I never have been...thinness has never been an attribute that I have possessed, and to be quite frank, I'm pretty sure it will never be. Everyone is built differently...that is ok. It's pretty disturbing to me, however, that girls from my own generation and in the generation after me are beating themselves up over 5 stupid pounds. I LAUGH at 5 pounds...probably because I have MUCH more than that I need to lose to be in a healthy place...not a more ATTRACTIVE place, but a healthy one. I can admit that openly without feeling bad about myself. Personally, without trying to sound cocky, I don't think I am an unattractive person. I see (and obviously the man who married me sees) qualities in me and make me an attractive person that aren't necessarily what the media wants us all to think is acceptable. I think one of the biggest things that makes me attractive is my unique ability to find beauty in the most unrecognizable places. I am constantly surrounded by average to smaller sized girls (and some guys, too) in my life who obsess over the fact they might be wearing an outfit that makes them look fat, or that they are having an "ugly" day because they are bloated.

Apparently, according to society standards, I have an ugly day every day because I am not thin.

Hmm...why do I refuse to believe that?

Oh yeah...because it's complete CRAP.

It's not like I have always known that. Believe me, I have spent way too many years caring about how I looked and tried ridiculous dieting tricks to help me feel like a better person. Not a healthy one, a better one. I thought that I would feel better about myself as a person if I got my weight under control...when in reality, it was never about myself. It was about not being judged by everyone around me. I'm pretty sure I didn't get to the point I am about all of this until VERY recently. I can't say that I am completely cured of societal pressure, or that I don't want to diet, because I do. But I have a different motivation for wanting to lose weight that isn't making everyone else happy. It's all about me. I will admit, when I am trying to lose weight, it's kind of nice to hear people tell you that you look great, nice job, keep it up, etc...but at the same time, was something wrong with how I looked before? Me weight loss should have nothing to do with looking a certain way. The goal is to better my body so I can do things in life without being restrained by my weight, not to reach some level of attractiveness. It's pretty crappy to feel like the people around me feel unhappy with how they are...so what must they think of me? Then I remind myself that people aren't all that concerned with how I am...they are too wrapped up in themselves to think about anyone else. And if they are judging me for the way I look, it's only to make themselves feel better about what they don't like on their own bodies.

I wish people could wake up. There are SO many beautiful people out there beating themselves up about how they look, because they don't look like fashion models or fit, buff guys. Every time I hear people complain about their looks, I want to literally slap them in the face (I don't, though, because of this little thing I learned early on called "self control"). They haven't had to go through what I have been through. What a LOT of people have been through.

I know this may be hard to read...

...and it may blow your mind a little bit...

...but there are worse problems in the world...

...than your muffin top...

...or your love handles...

...or even your non-existent double chin that you think you have when you lean your head back trying to look like Peter Griffin on Family Guy...

Growing up and getting made fun of for my size was a bittersweet experience for me. Obviously, I hated being called fat, and giant, and ugly, and whatever else people could think of in clever (and non clever) ways. But at the same time, it took away the fact that people could have found out I had Autism. I was almost willing to hear about my appearance because it was better than being called stupid, which is how I felt a lot of the time. Kids are cruel at a young age, and they can't understand how their words affect people...but adults? What is their excuse? You don't know what kinds of hardships people have been through...you don't know what experiences have gotten people to the place they are in. Why do people care SO much about how others look? Again...they are insecure with themselves and need an outlet for their lack of self confidence. So they pick on people, not knowing they they have probably been through a lot worse of things than being "out of the norm" physically.

I can't change how other people act. It would be nice if I could condition skinny people to stop complaining by slapping them every time they say they are fat...but the world does not work this way. I think the most beautiful people out there are the ones that work what they've got. Maybe it doesn't fit into some mold that the media thinks they should be in, but happiness is the most beautiful quality a person can have.

Autism has opened my world to appreciate all kinds of beauty...

I was ridiculed so often for how I looked that I really only saw ugliness in those people who mocked me, physically harmed me, and laughed maniacally at me. Their attitudes towards me made them ugly, in my eyes. It was the people who reached out to me and showed me kindness that I saw beauty in. Also, the autistic people I have met in my life, all across the spectrum, have been some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Why? Because I see so many of them appreciate the little things...they seek joy in things that others would not waste their time on. The art work I have seen from autistic kids is some of the most creative and amazing I have ever seen...it's because we see the world differently. Our senses and awareness of things around us make us more in tune with what is going on all the time. We are too busy looking at how things work and why they are the way they are to notice people. We live in our own little worlds...and from those have come beauty in a non-traditional way. They become beautiful people by turning trash into treasure. The way their smiles burst when they have made a new discovery and need to share it with you...some see it is annoying. I think it's wonderful. It's these people who have and are going to make differences in the world for the better...not the people who can't get past their "flaws". Obsessing over how you look is destructive...it not only hurts the people around you and future generations, but it is sabotaging behavior. You are never going to be happy trying to strive for something that only puts you in some societal acceptance circle...you will never be a better person by being skinny...you'll still be just as insecure and unhappy because you never accepted yourself for what you were before.

To the girl who excited over her 5 pound weight loss:

Congratulations.

I hope your accomplishment helps you make wonderful contributions to the world around you

and that you find yourself to be a better, more complete person now that you are physically more beautiful, 5 whole pounds later.

Sincerely,

The people in the world who have better things to. The people impacting the world for the better.

Maddiy Duan, Just "A Little Different"

2012-06-17T15:11:00.002-07:00

Happy Father's Day, everyone!!

I hope you are all enjoying your day (or did enjoy your day) with your Dad. Josh, my husband, and I are going to my parent's house later for some delicious dinner...

By the way...my Dad...is the best cook ever.

Don't argue with me. You have not eaten this man's steak.

He wins. Period.

I am so grateful for my father and all that he has done for me in my life...he not only met the requirements that an average parent must meet, but he exceeded them with me especially, given the fact that he had a child with Autism. I had no idea how much my parents had done for me until I was older...they couldn't go on vacations together because I had too many needs that couldn't really be handled by a babysitter, so often they would go on vacation by themselves without the rest of my family. He took every chance he could to travel outside of the country for work so that he could help pay for all my medical bills, plus just to support our family.

Caring for an autistic child in this country seems to burn holes in a lot of pockets for many Americans...and yet so many more families as time goes by are being effected by autism.

Wanna hear some scary statistics?

1 in every 88 children for the year 2012 are being diagnosed with Autism

1 in every 54 boys are being diagnosed with Autism

Autism costs the U.S $137 BILLION a year

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/news/20120329/autism-rates-cdc-2012

...Wow

Those numbers are INSANE! In 2008, Autism was up 23% since 2006 and 78% since 2002. They still don't know enough about Autism to know why exactly this is happening. People have many theories about it being an environmental factor, people still blame vaccines (which, from what I hear, has proven to be false), etc. The truth is, no one has a for sure answer. Thankfully, there are many generous charities and causes being made towards Autism research...

But people still don't have the money to afford therapies...

Thankfully, my father has a job that provided him with pretty good health insurance, but it still wasn't totally enough to cover all the costs that treatments are priced at. It's truly heart breaking to me to think about how many families now have children with Autism, and how without support of outside help, donations, churches, etc., that families would feel at a total loss of hope not knowing if their child was going to be O.K.

My parents said that they just always hoped I was going to be ok. The doctor couldn't predict what would happen to me later in life...but he said I'd be ok. I'd just be "a little different", as he put it, "but who isn't a little different?" If you are a parent of a child with Autism, and you aren't sure what's going to happen...I will tell you right now, no matter what, it is going to be ok.

Turns out the Doctor was right. I'm just "a little different".

If that's what you want to call it...

"Different".

As a child, I wanted to be different in a way that didn't make me a huge weirdo...which was all I really felt like. I wanted to be known for something that made me cool, drumming to the beat of my own drum without being an outcast. This turned into me trying to find ways to be different that really turned out to be impulsive, attention seeking behavior. I'd watch movies with people that were a little off kilter, but they owned what they had and they made something of themselves. I wanted to be that person, but not have it have anything to do with being autistic.

I wanted to be accepted

Like "Hey Arnold!". He had a football head. But people loved him, and he did things that helped his friends out and generally made his world a better place to live in.

SO BADASS.

I read this book when I was in about 2nd or 3rd grade that was about the life story of Dave Dravecky, written by Tim Stafford. If you don't know who Dave is, he is a Christian motivational speaker, author, and former Major League Baseball player for the San Diego Padres (1982–87) and San Francisco Giants (1987–89). He is known for his battle against cancer, which ended his career as his team was reaching the 1989 World Series. His autobiography called "Comeback" gives great detail about his battle with cancer and how his arm and left shoulder needed to be amputated. It's a very motivating and inspiring book that I read as a kid...and so I thought I would write Mr. Dravecky a letter telling him how awesome I thought he was.

...A very...creative...letter.

Cute, right?

My parents found the letter that I was sending to Mr. Dravecky in the mailbox. Suspicious as to who I was sending a letter to, they opened the letter and read it. They, after a huge laugh to themselves, came to me and explained why I couldn't send this letter to Dave Dravecky, in fear that he would send people to our house looking for the girl with the missing foot from a shark attack. My dad, to this day, had the letter in the pocket of one of his coats.

Through my many experiences looking for acceptance, my parents were people who always accepted me as I was. They never once have wished that I wasn't autistic, because in a way, it has brought many blessings into our lives...

LIKE THIS BLOG, FOR EXAMPLE! :D

I've always been "a little different" but later in life I came to understand that I was using autism for something special. I have a better sense of compassion for people who are also, "a little different". I think this blog is already reaching people who have autism and they are probably glad that someone is speaking out about it. I also have come to have talents that I don't think would be as cool if I didn't have autism.

My life was nothing short of hard. At times it was sad, scary, but on the other side, my brain had to learn how to get through those hard ships, which of course I couldn't have without all the support systems in my life. I had to struggle to get through it all. Isn't that what life is about? It's like having any other kind of disease...there is greener grass on the other side, a silver lining. With downfalls come blessings. My joy in my life is only as great as the pain I experienced. Dave Dravecky went through a lot of harships, but used them to help inspire people to strive for better in life, and to turn the dirt in our lives into something beautiful.

All in all, I am just grateful for my Dad who has supported me and pushed for me to live the best life possible...

Even if it's "a little different"

I know, I know...abuse of quotation marks AND transition boldness...

And the word "different". I know.

Here's my wrap up, ladies and gents...

Again...Happy Father's Day!

Love you, Dad...this one's for you :)

Thank you. Those words will NEVER be enough.

-Maddie <3

Facebook...Fan Page?

2012-06-14T12:45:00.001-07:00

Goof afternoon, all you awesome people!

I am posting to let you all know that I now have created a facebook...fan page...for myself...I can't even say...fan page...without feeling like an egotistical jerk. But, it's a really awesome way to get more people aware of my blog! So, with the risk of looking big headed, I hope you all "like" my page so you have a better way of knowing when I update rather than having to make an account on here and subscribing...too much effort...just go on facebook, you are all on there anyway, let's be honest.

With that, I must go study for a Shakespeare final. Updates to come, thanks for reading :)

<3 Maddie

http://www.facebook.com/aspectrumofmaddie

The Awkward Dork I'm Proud to be

2012-06-10T20:13:00.006-07:00

Welcome back, all you lovely people!

If you are reading this, it means you are back for more, which is very cool!...and not cool. I am so flattered by all of the people who read my last post, it was much more than I thought people would really view it, so I hope my next posts can leave you feeling as satisfied, if not more than my first one!

THE PRESSURE IS ON! (Cue Rocky theme music)

Anyways, it's so cool to see that people are interested in what I have to say. It hasn't always been like that for me...in fact, at many points in my life I have had lots I have wanted to say but lacked the voice and support to do so. That is what is so awesome about this blog...I can share all of that stuff I wanted to say then AND all the stuff I have to say now. Even if people say rude things about this blog, there isn't anything they can do about it.

I'm UNSTOPPABLE...till the internet Nazi's strike. Then I'm a goner.

I didn't grow up with the most friendly group of kids...in fact, many of them were big jerks to me (especially the boys I actually had crushes on, that was the worst feeling ever. And if you are one of those boys and you are reading this now...hah. Oh how my taste in men has improved.). I don't think I truly understood what having a true friend meant till I was in high school...yes, high school. Don't get me wrong, I had "friends" and people I hung out with before then: the polite all class invites to birthday parties, the girl who clung onto me because I was the only English speaking person who gave her the time of day (till she learned some, of course...), the sports teams my parents forced me into, the boy who had me act out his imaginary poke'mon (...sp??) creatures he made up because I was ballsy and beast like enough to do it, the other autistic boy I went to school with who spread his boogers on the play ground to protect me from the school bullies...quite the gesture, I must admit.

I was literally an awkward turtle. When I got uncomfortable in social situations and kids made fun of me, I hid inside my shirt and shut everyone out. Inside my shirt was stretchy and comfortable enough to be a little shell for me. I would even play with my troll dolls inside of it (oh yeah...I liked troll dolls...a lot. Not the toy anyone else wanted to play with, I understood them). When the rest of the world seemed like an unsafe place, at the end of the day, my imagination was my only safe place. At home, I would write, paint, create stories with dolls, things I did not need other people for. This was only a temporary fix though...after it all, I still felt lonely. I can only be good company for myself for so long.

Even though people treated me like crap...I still wanted to understand them and have relationships with them.

People at a young age don't understand that those that aren't like them aren't bad...oh wait, there are even adults like that. People in general are born with ignorance. I couldn't expect to have kids in elementary school to understand why I was not only completely different looking than them (let's put it this way...since Kindergarten, I've been a giant. I was about 4'10 beginning elementary school...plus a little chubby.) I didn't realize this till later on in life, but the kids comments and teasing were only to protect themselves. In all actuality, I probably spared a lot of kids from being bullied because people were too focused on my imperfections back then. Being autistic made everything seem amplified because I felt helpless articulating my thoughts to them...so i'd just scream or cry. And of course that made me look like a bigger fool in their eyes...my reactions only pushed people farther away from me.

The only thing that made kids like me for a short period of time was the annual school talent show. Even though I couldn't speak to people, I could most certainly sing. When I was in control of making myself look like a fool through goofy songs, then people suddenly became my friend...for a day...then I was a loser again. My time in the spot light was short lived once a year for 4 years...

BEING A KID SUCKS. All there is to redeem the 90's for me was the fact that there were some pretty cool cartoons.

The End...or is it?!

Then middle school came...

...Oh middle school...at least we were all awkward dorks then.

In middle school, right off the bat I did something pretty stupid...only this time, this seemed to make me friends instead of alienate them.

Let's flashback to your first middle/junior high school dance...now back to me, now back at that that guy you danced with who had the B.O and sweaty palms, now back to me. Sadly, our dance experiences were a little too similar...

A boy asked me to dance. He was awkward, lanky, and taller than me...whoah, boys are taller than me now? Awesome!! So I said yes...and then during Usher's "Yeah"...he attempted to swing dance with me. Please picture this in your mind...in the center of the dance floor, surrounded by my entire 6th grade class. Please laugh. Now continue reading...

This big football player who I went to elementary school with came up and started pointing and laughing at us obnoxiously and loudly...granted, everyone was laughing, but he made a point of having us know he was laughing directly at us.

"EWWW LOOK, IT'S BEAST AND THE GEEK! (...people didn't seem to get more clever with their insults later in life...come on, really?) SO LAME! WOW! LOOK AT EM GO! LOOKS LIKE UGLY LOVE TO ME!!"

...I had to face more of this bullshit in middle school? No one warned me about this. I had had enough of this crap in my life. This guy is an idiot. I'm ready to be awesome. So what did I do?

I punched him. In the jaw. CUE THE ROCKY MUSIC!!

Of course this action had it's consequences...getting a detention my first week of middle school. A call home and a written apology to the guy. Nothing so bad that rained on my parade from that experience. I had never felt such a gratifying revenge...at the time...he seemed to have gotten what he deserved. He didn't bleed or anything...but his face was pretty priceless.

Other kids thought I was a total badass, and then suddenly a confidence boost allowed me to try new things...joining a girl scout troop, inviting myself to hangout with a group of kids during lunch (who later became some of the best friends I've ever had), coloring my nails with sharpie, pretending to be interested in things I had no clue about...you know, the usual middle school thing. I still got made fun of every now and again...but instead of crying about it on the spot, I wrote a sad poem about it and blasted simple plan in my room. Again...typical middle school stuff. My relationships were all pretty shallow...I hung out with people who also just wanted someone to hangout with. But the difference from Elementary and Middle School was that people actually LIKED that I was an awkward dork. I owned it. I became the fat funny girl that people liked to laugh WITH and not at. My self esteem wasn't anything spectacular, but at least I had friends I could call at the end of the day and talk about mundane things with. People didn't really know ME though...I didn't quite know ME either, but people liked what I presented to them...I was done being quiet and alone, so I put on a mask. The mask I wore through middle school, and even into high school. I became a person I wanted people to see...but it wasn't the full me...

Then I took a hiatus from special education, thinking I didn't need it anymore...because hey...I was a middle schooler! That automatically meant that I didn't need assistance from anyone for anything the rest of my life because I was now an independent teenager!...or so I thought...

And then the report cards came home and I was getting lower than C's in almost every class...except drama and choir, of course :).

So in the 8th grade, I was sent back to the good ol' special room...with all the special kids...feeling back at the bottom of the fishbowl. And at the same time...it was the best and worst decision I ever made.

Middle school special education was a joke. It was a room to force kids to do their homework because that was what we were supposed to do...the teacher was an uncompassionate and rude woman who literally shook a chair at a kid for not getting a hand stamp before using the restroom...

But what I did get out of it was the kids I met in there. One girl, who to this day is a close friend of mine, had tourette's syndrome. Having a few of my own personal ticks myself, I could quickly relate to the kinds of things she was going through. She is, to this day, one of the nicest and most creative people I have ever met (she has a blog, too...you should follow her! I'll post her link later). It was people like her in special ed that showed me that I wasn't the only one with crap to deal with...in fact, a lot of people had it worse than I did. I waited far too long in middle school to find people like this...the goth kids hated life, the special ed kids found ways to get through it with their head up high and a smile on their face.

Then there was High School...oh high school...the place where we thought we were done being awkward dorks...THOUGHT...

I think I carried a lot of baggage of Elementary school through middle and high school...and I didn't really realize it till later in high school. I think a lot of people have difficulties figuring themselves out in high school...it just felt especially more so for me. I didn't know what I really wanted to do with my life, I kept dating loser guys who had no people skills themselves, and I got myself into stupid situations just trying to fit in and find acceptance from people. Through theater, I found a place where all kinds of people collectively created beautiful works of art...jocks, preps, geeks, special ed kids, anyone who appreciated drama. I always knew I loved doing theater, but now it was less about doing it for myself and more about building cool relationships along the way. At that point, in my junior year, I didn't have to TRY and be anyone...I was who I was. Pretty silly, imaginative and constantly thinking, and always aware of what was going on around me. I met people who fascinated me...people who had gone through all kinds of things in their life much different from what I had to go through. But their story was THEIR story. Everyone has one. I wasn't always open about mine...till the end of high school, when I gave a speech at my Senior baccalaureate about being Autistic. For the first time, out of all the years of high school, people knew me. They heard what I had to say. I wasn't just another actress on stage or just a name they had heard around school. I was known for being me.

I could go on about all the kinds of experiences I went through throughout school years...but what I hope you take from all these stories and what not is that I've been through things...everyone has. Your past is part of who you are, but it doesn't define you. There is so much I have to look forward to in life, and it would be really easy to let my hardships keep me from accomplishing things...to use Autism as a crutch. But I am a stronger person that that. I want to share my story with people, and then encourage them to find things in life that work for them...I know that sounds super general and vauge (and a little cheesey), but the greatest advice I got in high school from my favorite teacher (who was my special education teacher) was that when one thing didn't work, find another. There isn't enough time to give up. There is always a solution when things aren't working...and certain things don't work for everyone. Hanging out with the goth kids was not working for me...in fact, it turned me into someone I really didn't want to be. Appreciating people for who they were, faults and all, was the person and the person I am and want to be. Even though this blog is focused on Autism, I hope people still read it and remind themselves that things are hard for everyone in a certain way, and that we don't all have to go through life the same way. College has shown me this, esspecially.

Speaking of College-

No. There is more to come, my dear readers...but I am getting ranty.

So let us adjourn.

Thanks for stopping by. Keep calm and carry on...or some crap like that.

<3 Maddie

Rocky Road Ice Cream...AKA My Life?

2012-06-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

Why, hello there!

If you are reading this blog, that means that you either know me somehow and care enough to read about what is on my mind...or you mistakenly wound up on this blog, but I have already caught your attention, so you might as well stay!

So, if you don't know me...

My name is Madeline. But I hate being called Madeline, unless you pronounce it (Mad-uh-line) instead of (Mad-uh-lin). Catch my drift? Really, i'll respond to pretty much anything accept Patty...and it happens way more often than it really should. But either way...people refer to me as Maddie. Note the blog title.

Speaking of the blog title...(if you haven't guessed, this is a topic transition...)

(...see...isn't it fun?! WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL BE NEXT!!)

Oh yeah...blog title. Moving on.

So, A Spectrum of Maddie is my blog (obviously...) that is kind of a play on words about the fact that I am on the...

AUTISM SPECTRUM

(See what I did there? :))

For those of you who know me...more than half of you never believe me at first. Understandable. My own neurologist doesn't even believe it sometimes. Basically, the story goes...

...like this...(the fun never ends, does it??...I promise to not abuse the dramatic topic change sequence...too much.)

At age 2, my parents took me to a zillion quadrillion (aka...a lot of doctors, specialists, etc.) because they noticed that I was not developing in certain ways mentally and with basic motor skills. They thought I might be deaf for a period of time because I was not responding to my name (gee...maybe I just hated the name Madeline...those fools...). The doctors had all said to not worry and that there wasn't anything significantly wrong with me...but my parents were not convinced. They finally saw one doctor when I was 3 who diagnosed me with Pervasive Developmental Disorder, which is the big, general word for classifying an Autism Spectrum Disorder without knowing quite what specifically they could label me with. They didn't know enough about Autism in 1993 to really give me the full on Autism diagnosis, so they labeled me with PDD knowing I had Autistic tendencies (this is rarely done anymore, b-t-dubs). So...I was "different" in an Autistic like way, I suppose.

So...what did that mean for me and my family? (This first post is long, I apologize! Hopefully my dramatic topic change sequence is keeping you engaged...or it's really bugging the hell out of you.)

If I were to sum up my childhood years, it would basically boil down to this: I didn't really speak till the age of 4, and even then I had what you would call Echolalia: the automatic repetition of vocalizations made by another person. In Autistic children, they often repeat lines they hear in movies, commercials, or quotes from other people. A typical pediatric presentation of echolalia might be as follows: a child is asked "Do you want dinner?"; the child echoes back "Do you want dinner?", followed by a pause, and then a response, "Yes. What's for dinner?". For me, I would bring quotes from movies into real life context. Dad says "Maddie, time for bed now." and a Maddie response would be "1 little monkey jumping on the bed, one fell off and bumped his head!". In a cool way, it worked, but it wasn't the most socially acceptable behavior.

Other than that, I had slow motorskills, a hard time paying attention to anything, rage, and a lack of understanding of social ques.

I like to think of it as being in my own little world, and everyone else was just a random tourist in socks and sandles not understanding me and my native ways. They didn't understand me, so I saw no reason to try and understand them. This made things hard to my family, and I had difficult relationships with the people around me because I could not relate to them.

But I wanted to badly to try and relate to other people...

Most kids on the spectrum (that I have met in my time) have given up on trying to make relationships with people. They overcome many of the physical challenges that come with Autism, and they work really hard at mastering many things such as technology, art, music, animals (...learning about animals...), etc. But they become discouraged with...what shall we call them...able minded people? Perfect. Able minded people...because they don't understand what it is like to have a disability. And how can we blame them? Their initial ignorance is not their fault. It just makes it hard for the rest of us who want to converse and socialize with the rest of the world when people give you funny looks, or don't like to talk about the things you like to talk about.

So what makes me different, you ask? (Maybe you didn't...but I'm going to tell you anyway. Bwahaha.)

My parents fought for me, which gave me the ability to fight for myself. I don't mean fight as in I went out and beat the crap out of everyone so I never had to deal with assholes ever again (although I thought about it many times...trust me). They fought for me to try and live the most normal life I could. They sent me multiple kinds of therapies, got me medication (so I wouldn't go beat the crap out of someone), speech therapy, physical therapy, a school IEP (Individual Education Program...I'll discuss that later), etc. And from the way I see it, it then showed me later on in my teen years how I could fight to just be myself without having to fit into some "societal standard of normal".

You have no idea how grateful I am for the help my parents have given me. So many families in our country (especially in this economy) have children with disabilities and don't have the money to get the help that their kids need. My dad has been blessed enough in my life to have amazing health insurance...plus he worked his ass off for me traveling at his work so he could have enough money to support my family AND my needs.

Even through all of those therapies and what not, the real development of my character and my success has been my drive to understand people. I will cover this some other time, because I realize how long this post is getting and how much more I want to talk about!

Just know that this blog is going to not only be about my personal journey, but it will be about how I want to change the future for families with Autistic children...giving parents hope that things will be OK, even if the beginning is rocky (I get it...it's super rocky.) Later on, things will seem more like Rocky Road Icecream...different texture from what you were expecting, but all the more wonderful and interesting at the same time, with surprises around every corner

I just used the cheesiest metaphor ever...sounds like this blog post needs to end now.

Thank you for reading!

Peace, Love, and...Rocky Road Ice cream?

(Sure...let's go with that.)

-Maddie <3
A little different, but none the less awesome.

P.S- If you want to follow me on Facebook...
http://www.facebook.com/maddietdugan
There ya go :)