An Embarrassing Confession

I’ve been a Christian for nearly 30 years. I’ve been working as an evangelist for over 20 of them. I confess that in the last month, I’ve realized I have had evangelism exactly backwards. I discovered this from one of the most well-known parables, which I’ve read over and over and over for years. Perhaps it is because it was so familiar to me that its real message was lost on me. Please, allow me to explain.

The Parable of the Crazy Sower

Have you ever heard the parable of the sower? Jesus taught it, and one record of it can be found in Matthew 13:3-8.  I’ve read that story hundreds of times. I’ve heard sermons about it, been in classes on it, and even preached about it myself. Perhaps this familiarity is why the crazy message it contains was completely lost on me. I just read it as normal. But the fact is the sower in this story is anything but normal. He’s crazy. In fact, he acts like no other farmer I know.

Would a normal farmer act like the sower in Jesus’s story? Really? Do you think so?

Would a normal farmer purposefully waste seed? Of course not. What would you think of a farmer dropping seeds in the middle of the road? Wouldn’t you think he was crazy? After all, that is seed that will clearly and obviously not produce any fruit for him, will not feed his family, and will not produce anything he can sell to make a living. It is wasted and lost. It won’t feed his family, it only feeds the bird.

What does a normal farmer do? If he sees soil that is packed down, he gets out a tiller and breaks it up. If he sees a field with stones in it, what does he do? He removes the stones before he sows the seed. If he sees a field with weeds in it, he removes the weeds before he sows the seed. That is what the normal farmer does. He tests the soil and cultivates his field, then he sows his seed. Anything else is crazy and irresponsible with the seed.

Jesus’s Crazy Sower

But that is not what Jesus’s sower does. He sees wayside soil and he drops seed on it. He sees stony fields and he drops seed on it. He sees weedy soil and he drops seed on it. He sees good soil and he drops seed on it. This sower didn’t plow or furrow his field. He didn’t weed the fields. He didn’t cultivate the soil. He just sowed the seed.

Why would Jesus tell the story of such a crazy farmer to people who know the guys is acting crazy? I mean, do you really believe in Jesus’s day they didn’t know seed dropped on the beaten down path wouldn’t grow? Of course they did. You think they didn’t know if you were farming you should remove the stones and weeds before sowing the field? Of course they did. So why is Jesus telling a story about such a silly sower?

Because Jesus isn’t actually talking about literal seeds. He is talking about the Word of God (Matthew 13:18). He isn’t talking about soils. He is talking about souls. While a sower of literal seed can tell the difference between wayside, stony, weedy, and good soil before he sows the seed, the only way we can tell the difference between these four souls is by sowing the seed and seeing what happens.

Think about it. Would you have pegged Saul as “good soil”? Yeah, me either.

Exactly Backwards

So, you may be asking, how had missing this made my evangelism exactly backwards. I’m glad you asked.

I’ve thought evangelism was about testing and cultivating souls. I’ve thought my job was to develop relationships with people. I thought my job was to plow the ground of their heart by impressing them with my good life and my love and remove stones and weeds by letting them know how much I cared. Then, when the relationship was fully developed and they knew how great a person I was because of the gospel, then drop the seed in. I’ve literally told people they shouldn’t just sow the seed but should first cultivate the soil. And when I did, I was saying the exact opposite of Jesus’s story. Shockingly, I did that while using the very story that says this opposite message.

But that is exactly backwards to the picture of evangelism Jesus presents.

I’m not trying to be offensive, but I bet you’ve had it backwards too.

Stump the Blog Reader

Let’s play a game. I call it “Stump the Blog Reader.” I’ve got a couple of questions for you with increasing difficulty. The first one is easy, but they get harder after that. I bet I can stump you.

Question #1: Finish the following statement:

People won’t care how much you know until they _____________________________.*

Question #2: Where was Jesus when He made the above statement?

Question #3: Who was Jesus talking to when He made the above statement?

Question #4: To which congregation or evangelist was Paul writing when he quoted the above statement?

Question #5: Do you know why you don’t know the answers to questions 2-4?

Jesus didn’t say that. Paul didn’t quote it. It isn’t in God’s Word anywhere. And yet, that statement has governed my evangelism more than Jesus’s story about the sower, because, of course, Jesus’s story is crazy. Who would do what Jesus taught? Tossing the seed out as much as possible on anyone and everyone is crazy. They don’t know me. They don’t know how much I care. They may be wayside soil and need me to help plow their heart. They may be stony and weedy soil and need me to actually cultivate those relationships first. But that just isn’t want Jesus said.

Please Don’t Misunderstand

Of course you should care about people. If you don’t care, you won’t evangelize. Of course you should be nice to people. That is what Christians do. We love people. We don’t love people because that is the way we get to share the gospel with people. We love people because that is what Jesus did, so that is what we do.

But understand this. When did Jesus most demonstrate His love for people? Was it when He fed them? Healed them? Cast out demons from them? Or was it when He went to the cross for them? Obvious answer on that one.

When do we most demonstrate our love for people? When we feed them? Clothe them? Hug them? Give them a shoulder to cry on? Or is it when we teach them the gospel of Jesus on the cross for them? That one should be just as obvious, but we miss that one way too often.

Don’t get me wrong, if you see someone in need of food and you have some, give it to them. If you see someone in need of clothes and you can give it to them, do so. If you see someone who needs a hug, give them one. If you see someone who needs a shoulder to cry on, offer them one.

But what we really need to see is people who need the gospel. We need to share it with them.

Obviously, Don’t be a Jerk

I remember when I was a teenager working for a local heating and air company, as another worker and I were walking into a grocery store to  go work on one of their refrigerators, a guy walked out, looked at us  with crazy eyes and said, “Are you guys Christians?” We both said yes. I was telling the truth, the other guy was lying. He even told me as the fellow walked away, “I know that guy wouldn’t think I was a Christian, but that is how you deal with guys like that.”

I’ve also seen folks who want to open with lines like, “You know you’re going to hell, don’t you?” An obviously dumb way to sow the seed.

I get it, while we need to be crazy sowers, we don’t need to be jerks. We need to toss the seed everywhere and we need to quit acting like we are supposed to be testers or cultivators of the soil. But Jesus also told us to be wise as serpents while being innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16). Paul tells us we need to walk in wisdom toward outsiders, letting our speech be gracious (Colossians 4:5-6).

Obviously, if you develop a relationship with someone, that is someone you need to share the gospel with. And you need to remember that you don’t love them if you won’t share it with them.

Jesus not Maslow

So, let’s get evangelism right. Let’s let Jesus be our guide for evangelism and not Abraham Maslow.

I get it. That means we’ll get told, “No,” an awful lot. Wayside souls simply won’t accept. Further, our retention rates may not be great. There will be plenty of stony, weedy souls that jump on the gospel and then abandon it. Who knows, maybe only 1 in 10 of the people we baptize will stick with it. I don’t know.

But I wonder how many good soil souls we miss while we try to wait for just the right time to share the gospel with people, worrying about our retention rates.

We aren’t evangelizing wrongly when we teach people who don’t follow. We aren’t evangelizing wrongly when we baptize people who end up not sticking with it. We aren’t evangelizing wrongly when we baptize people who don’t bear fruit. We are evangelizing wrongly when we keep the seed in our satchel because we aren’t sure how it will turn out if we toss the seed to that person.

Rubber on the Road

So, here is my problem. I’ve been working from the exactly backwards model for so long that I’m going to need to some help and encouragement sowing the seed everywhere. Will you help me? Let’s do this together.

Are you ready to sow some seed like crazy?

________________________________________________________

*I know you got it. But if I stumped you with that first question, the right conclusion to the above sentence is “People won’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

#LOVEWINS

If there is anything we assume in our modern day, it is #LOVEWINS. It has become a mantra for everything. But have you ever stopped to ask why we believe this today? I’m not asking have you ever stopped to ask why we should believe this? That is a good question, but a different one. Have you ever stopped to ask why that statement has even made its way into modern consciousness and is even meaningful to us? Keep reading to consider the profound answer and some powerful implications for us.

Have We Always Believed #LOVEWINS ?

Think through what you know about the history of human civilization. Has mankind always believed love wins? Obviously not. For most of human history, man believed #POWERWINS. Just think about what you remember from high school history about the Egyptians, Assyrians, Babylonians, Medo-Persians, Greeks, and Romans.

Interestingly, the subscribers to what I call STUFFISM (those who believe there is no spiritual, but only stuff–matter and energy–like atheists, naturalists, Darwinists, materialists) have codified and creedalized the above notion. The modern teeming life of earth is a testimony to the survival of the fittest, only the strong survive. #STRENGTHWINS

Of course, the subscribers to what I call SPIRITISM (the opposite of STUFFISM, like pantheists, new agers, mystics, Buddhists, Hindus) tell us all that really exists is the universal divine and we are all just seeking to realize our oneness with the great unity of the universe. These like to tout love on the surface as the means to find that great unity. But dig a little deeper into this oneness theory and we have to realize love is a hoax. In a universe where there is only the great universal ONE, any term that dichotomizes actions, behaviors, participants into TWO can’t exist. Love is merely an illusion in the universe of SPIRITISM. Love is a relational term. It takes at least TWO to have love. And in the pantheistic universe there is only ONE. It is only an illusion to believe there is actually someone else to love. Further, love by necessity produces a dichotomy because it is only beneficial to the degree that there can be a lack of love or an opposite to it. We like to think of hate as the opposite of love, but in fact because love is relational and about others, the opposite is actually self-centeredness, selfishness, narcissism. But wait, if all there is the universal one, the only possible love we have is the universal ONE loving itself. Isn’t that narcissism? #NARCISSISMWINS

Why Do We Believe #LOVEWINS ?

Why on earth do we then believe #LOVEWINS? Why does this mantra dominate not just you individually but our entire culture?

Are you ready for the shocking answer?

Are you sure you’re ready?

I promise you, you won’t believe it?

I’m not quite sure you are ready for this?

If you don’t want your world rocked, you may want to go ahead and leave this blog now.

Okay, here goes.

The reason our culture believes this is because of Jesus Christ as revealed in the New Testament of the Bible.

Like it or not, there is no other worldview out there that demands #LOVEWINS like Jesus Christ as revealed in the New Testament of the Bible. Do you know where the idea that “God is Love” comes from? The New Testament (1 John 4:8, 16).

Here we are, 2000 years after Jesus Christ revealed God’s love and Christians started teaching God is love and so we all ought to love each other, and even atheists have been impacted by it so much they think this is the law that should  be plastered on our bumpers and in our Twitter feeds.

An Uncomfortable Conclusion

Here is the problem.

If Jesus isn’t who He said He was (God in the flesh, Savior, Redeemer, Lord), then we have absolutely no reason to believe #LOVEWINS. If Jesus was just a man like you and me, why believe His teaching about love? If you really believe #LOVEWINS, you need to believe #JESUSSAVES or you are just being inconsistent.

Further, if the Bible is a book of lies that is irrelevant to our lives today, why believe what it says about #LOVEWINS? If you really believe #LOVEWINS, you need to believe #THEBIBLEDEFINESLOVE or you are just being inconsistent.

Are You Sure #LOVEWINS ?

If you are sure #LOVEWINS, may I encourage you to reconsider Jesus and His claims. You already accept one of His biggest claims over all secular rationality and reasonability of every other outlook out there. Why not reconsider His other claims?

If you are sure #LOVEWINS, may I encourage you to reconsider the New Testament and its teachings, especially its definition of the love that it has taught you wins. You already accept one of its biggest teachings over all secular rationality and reasonability of every other outlook out there. Why not reconsider its other teachings?

Fall without Failing

Let’s face it. It doesn’t matter what you resolve or how committed you are to the resolution, sometime you are going to fall. Stumbles and setbacks happen. It is what you do next that really matters. Will you fall into failure or will you fall forward?

If you want to fall forward and continue on with your resolution and commitment even after a fall, you have to follow our third Be RESOLVED principle: Strategize around your setbacks.

Month 2: How are You Doing?

Sorry for the break. Excessive workload, teeming extra curriculars, travel schedule, and a back injury kept me from blogging the past couple of weeks.

That may be for the best, because it may be right about this point you need today’s post about how to deal with stumbles and setbacks. However, if you haven’t seen any of these posts on making your resolutions stick, go back to the beginning and read them all by clicking here.

Don’t Be Like Joshua

I know. That is a shocking statement isn’t it. Normally, I would tell you to dare to stand like Joshua. But there were a couple of instances where Joshua faced setbacks. One in particular where he started to face that setback all wrong and God had to call him on it.

In Joshua 6, God used Joshua and Israel to defeat Jericho. However, as it was the first and God wants what is first, the Israelites were not to keep any of the plunder but were to devote it all to God by destroying every bit of it. They were to kill all of God’s enemies in the city, destroy all of the loot, and burn the city. They weren’t to keep any of it. However, Achan coveted and took some of the devoted things for himself.

When Israel turned to the next city in their conquest, Ai, Joshua was certain the victory would be just as easy. He sent spies as God had him do before. However, he didn’t ask God about the potential success. He just assumed. He and Israel sent a small number against Ai, but were soundly defeated, losing 36 men in the battle.

That is when Joshua started to sound like the wilderness wandering Israelites all over again.

Alas, O Lord God, why have you brought this people over the Jordan at all, to give us into the hands of the Amorites, to destroy us? Would that we had been content to dwell beyond the Jordan! O Lord, what can I say, when Israel has turned their backs before their enemies! For the Canaanites and all the inhabitants of the land will hear of it and will surround us and cut off our name from the earth. And what will you do for your great name?”

In this moment, Joshua was about to allow Israel’s setback turn into failure. He was about to be satisfied with where they had been. He was about to be willing to simply turn tail and run back to the other side of the Jordan, leaving the conquest unfinished for a second generation in a row.

But God called him up short.

Get up! Why have you fallen on your face? Israel has sinned; they have transgressed my covenant that I commanded them; they have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen and lied and put them among their own belongings. Therefore the people of Israel cannot stand before their enemies…”

In other words…

Joshua, what are you doing down there on your face? This is ridiculous. Why would you think I would lead you to failure? Get up. Figure out the hole in your strategy, fix it, and get back to conquesting. (I’ll give you a hint, since I’m not the problem, somebody among your army must have forsaken the plan.)

Strategize around Your Setback

Here was the point. Something had gone wrong with the plan. Joshua needed to figure out what it was, deal with that, and then get back to the battle at hand.

When we fall, our natural reaction is to throw up our hands, decide we knew we could never make it, claim we should have been satisfied with where we were, and wonder why we ever tried to make a change. Sometimes we even go as far as Joshua did to wonder why God even let us get started on this. Perhaps it is His fault we failed.

When we stumble, it doesn’t mean we are a bad person. It doesn’t mean the cause is lost. It doesn’t mean God has abandoned us and there is no hope. It simply means our plan wasn’t perfect. Or we didn’t keep the plan well. In either event, when we fall, we don’t need to attack God or ourselves. Instead, we need to attack our plan.

Figure out when, where, and why the fall happened. Consider how your plan was prepared to deal with that situation. Discover that probably your plan had a gap in that situation. Plug the gap. Plan for that situation in the future. Establish a strategy for the defeating situation when it comes up again. Strategize around your setback.

Then get back to the fight.

People, Places, and Things

What you will likely discover is your plan wasn’t prepared to deal with some of the old people, places, and things that led you into your sin or lack of discipline before you made your resolution. Now you have an idea of which people, places, and things provide a hindrance for you.

Strategize around your setback how you are going to neutralize these hindrances. With people, you may need to have a heart-changing conversation so your friend can go from being an accomplice to an ally (more on that in a later post). Or you may have to distance yourself from your friend (accomplice). With places, you may have to set up cues to change your thinking when you are in those places. You may have to change the layout of your places (more on that in a later post). Or you may have to avoid the place entirely. With things, you may need to learn some new skills, find some new tools, and get rid of some things that lead you to your sin.

In any event, figure out what your plan missed about those people, places, and things and get your strategy back up to par. Then get back to the fight.

Remember, don’t attack your person, attack your plan. Strategize around your setback.

Principle #3: Strategize Around Your Setbacks

Come back next Monday for principle #4:Oserve the End

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

What’s Wrong with Dieting?

I once heard a sadly accurate definition of “Diet.” A diet is a period of starvation preceding a gain of 10 pounds.

Though these articles really aren’t concerned with weight loss, the illustration provided by this definition is simply too good not to use to make today’s point. If we are going to stick with our resolutions and spiritual commitments, we need to learn to Establish behaviors not byproducts. Keep reading to find out why.

Week 3: How’s it going?

Another week of sticking with those resolutions. Great job! Keep it up!

Didn’t do so hot? Don’t fret. Let’s attack those plans of yours with a new principle for making your resolutions stick. But first, did you Rewrite your motivations? I hope so. That first step is a tough one. But don’t skip it. I know I want to. I still have motivations to rewrite. However, this is an important step in the commitment process. If you need to go back and read about it again, click here.

Establish Behaviors not Byproducts

So, why was that definition of “diets” so accurate? It is not because diets don’t work. In fact, most diets do work. Most diets, if people follow them faithfully, cause people to lose weight. Then why the definition?

Because most dieters merely established the byproducts as their goals and not the behaviors. Here’s how it works. Healthy weight loss is a byproduct of making healthy choices: healthy eating and healthy exercise. However, what do most people resolve?

Resolved: I’m going to lose 25 lbs in 2017.”

They work hard. They count calories, cut carbs, hit the gym. They may join a group. They may take drastic measures. And the pounds come off. Then they reach their goal. They accomplished their resolution. They kept their commitment.

What next?

Return to old behaviors. After all, they didn’t establish the behaviors as part of their goal, just the byproducts. Just as weight loss is a byproduct of new healthy behaviors, weight gain is a byproduct of old unhealthy behaviors.

What is the solution? Don’t resolve to lose 25 pounds. Resolve to make healthy eating and exercise choices.

Establish the behaviors, not merely the byproducts.

And this will help me spiritually?

Absolutely.

In fact, I’m not really concerned about your weight loss. Jesus didn’t die in order to give you better blood pressure and a great BMI. He died to free you from sin.

The principle we need to learn is that most of the time we simply aren’t in charge of the results or byproducts. We, by God’s  grace, are in charge of the behaviors. To my knowledge, God never actually commands you to go to heaven? He does, however, command you to be careful how you walk (Ephesians 4:1, et al). He commands you to work on the behaviors. He will be in charge of the byproducts.

Let’s see if we can apply this principle to some of our spiritual resolutions.

Don’t resolve to get closer to God. That is a byproduct of spiritual choices and behaviors. Instead, resolve to spend 30 minutes in Bible study, prayer, and scriptural meditation three times per week. Or resolve to start every morning with five minutes of prayer before doing anything else.

Don’t resolve to have better relationships with other Christians. That is a byproduct of relational choices and behaviors. Instead, resolve to have another Christian or family in your home twice per month. Or resolve to join a small group of Christians who agree to meet together on a regular basis.

Don’t resolve to have a better marriage. That is a byproduct of healthy behaviors. Instead, resolve to keep a calm face, calm voice, calm body when speaking to your spouse, even when you disagree. Or resolve to have 30 minutes of uninterrupted together time every day. Or resolve to have a date twice per month.

Don’t resolve to baptize 10 people. That is a byproduct of evangelistic choices. Instead, resolve to invite one person per week to hear the gospel. Or resolve to verbally and openly offer to pray for someone every day.

Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying byproducts don’t matter or to forget about them. In fact, in a later principle we’ll learn how remembering the byproducts is a big help. But for now, Establish behaviors not byproducts.

Principle #2:  Establish Behaviors not Byproducts

Come back next week for Principle #3: Strategize Around Your Setbacks.

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

I’m leery of even writing about this. I worry there is no way to write about it without being misunderstood or misrepresented. Yet, if this doesn’t get talked about, there is no way folks will understand. This is a warning to Christians of all ages and all places. It is a call to make sure we keep the main thing the main thing. It is not a warning against something that is a sin all by itself. Rather it is a warning that our enemy is taking what can be a good thing when kept in its proper place and trying to supplant the best thing. I hope I can remotely do this topic justice.

What Do You Want to be Remembered For?

Yesterday I saw a commercial.* It was emotionally moving. And I’m glad it was. I believe the call Matt Damon is making should be heeded by all who can.

Ending thirst.

What a noble goal.

Of course, I’m personally opposed to the alcohol industry, so I’d prefer to heed his call in some other way than buying a chalice from Stella Artois, a Belgian brewery. But I hope we can stay on point and not get distracted by discussions of ending drunkenness.

It was the final line that caught my attention: “What do you want to be remembered for?” It concerned me because I believe there is a generation of Christians and would-be Christians that hear that line and say, “Yes, that is what I want to be remembered for. I want to be remembered for ending thirst or hunger.”

Jen Hatmaker would call this the mission of God’s true church. Interestingly, she also calls it the cause of her generation.** And that gives me pause. At what point would we ever think the cause of a particular world generation would line up with the mission of God’s true church? That sentence alone should cause every Christian to stop and question.

It would be neat to be remembered for ending thirst. It would be great to be remembered for bringing a drink of water to families in countries where clean water is hard to come by. Somebody should do that. Christians changed by the gospel will no doubt be involved in that.

However, remember what Jesus said about water in John 4:13-14:

Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

That is what I want to be remembered for. Bringing the water of life.

Remember what Jesus said about food and hunger in John 6:27:

Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you.”

That is what I want to be remembered for. Bringing the food that endures to eternal life.

Certainly, be moved by calls to help others have the water and food. After all, Christians are a people zealous for good deeds (cf. Titus 2:14). Christians are people who must “learn to devote themselves to good works, so as to help cases of urgent need” (Titus 3:14). Please don’t take what I’m writing as a statement against supporting efforts to get clean drinking water or food to people who need it. It is not.

However, please remember that Jesus did not die on the cross and rise again on the third day to save people from thirst and hunger, to extend their earthly life. He died, was buried, and arose to save people from sin, to give people eternal life. Please, do not think you are engaged in the mission of God’s true church just because you have taken up the cause of Hatmaker’s generation. You haven’t. And if you treat it like it is the mission of God’s true church, the true mission will be left undone. Then this good cause really will have become a sin for you.

There was a time when Christians understood that if they brought food, water, clothes, and houses to people, but did not bring the gospel, they did them no good. Regrettably, many Christians have caved to the thinking of the world that if you bring them the gospel, but don’t feed, clothe, water, or house them, you did them no good. It is great that Christianity has so impacted the world even atheists want to be zealous for good deeds like Christians. However, let us not be so impacted by the world we believe performing a good deed is the same as spreading the Good News.

Don’t be fooled into believing a good cause is the great cause. Put God’s cause first. If you end thirst in this generation, you will be remembered for it until people are thirsty again. And I promise you, they will be. But if you bring the water of life to people, you will be remembered for eternity.

Let’s keep the main thing, the main thing.

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

*You can watch the commercial by clicking here.

**Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity, NavPress, 2014, p 18.

Week 3: How are you doing?

Are those resolutions still sticking? Starting to wane? Completely abandoned? You know, it doesn’t have to be January 1 to be RESOLVED on growth and life improvement. But whether you are considering making a completely new life-improvement resolution, wanting to stay on track or get back on track with an old one, or just wanting to improve your life in general, you can be RESOLVED. Today we jump into Principle #1: Rewrite your motivation.

For an introduction to this series, click here.

Rewrite Your Motivation

Motivations matter. When our motivations are misplaced, our entire plan will founder. In fact, sometimes our motivations are what scuttle our resolutions from the very beginning. Sadly, if our motivation is unhealthy, then our resolution simply can’t be healthy no matter how good it sounds on paper.

This principle is demonstrated by a story Jesus told about a Pharisee and a Tax Collector in Luke 18:9-14.

The Pharisee’s Unhealthy Motivation

To Jesus’s audience, the Pharisees represented a very religious, very righteous group of people intent on maintaining God’s rules and regulations to the very jot and tittle of what His Law prescribed. For Jesus’s audience, it was hard to imagine anyone more likely to be justified (declared innocent) by God.

Listen to his prayer and see if you can sense his motivation:

God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.”

The Pharisee’s goal is justification, but his motivation is superiority. “I thank you that I am not like other men.” His motivation for justification is being better than everyone else. He is in the midst of the comparison game. He wants to prove that he measures up, or at least comes closer to measuring up than others.

I know that I am often plagued by this same kind of motivation. I make resolutions to put off sin or put on spiritual discipline because I want to prove I’m worthy of God’s love, or at least more worthy than the person down the street.

The Tax Collector’s Healthy Motivation

To Jesus’s audience, tax collectors were Roman sympathizers, compromisers, and extortioners. For Jesus’s audience, it was hard to imagine anyone as a class less likely to be justified (declared innocent) by God.

Listen to his prayer:

God, be merciful to me, a sinner!”

This man’s motivation may not be quite as obvious from this statement alone. However, remember sin was a problem because it destroyed the sinner’s relationship with God. He pleads for mercy, a term that highlights relationship. The tax collector isn’t trying to prove himself worthy. He isn’t trying to compare himself to anyone. He simply longs for a relationship with God he knows he doesn’t deserve.

Who Got What He Wanted?

Notice Jesus’s conclusion to this story:

I tell you, this man [the tax collector] went down to his house justified, rather than the other [the Pharisee]. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Why?

When our motivation is flawed, it will mess up our whole plan. While the Pharisee’s plan seems to be great, his motivation won’t sustain his plan. We would probably all agree that getting rid of extortion, injustice, and adultery in our lives while adding self-discipline and spiritual prioritization with food and finances is a great plan.

But how did the Pharisee do with this? Certainly, I know this particular Pharisee is a character made up in a story by Jesus to make a point. However, I also understand that Jesus used the typical Pharisee as an example for a reason. How did Jesus see the typical Pharisee?

According to Luke 20:47, He saw him as an extortioner who devoured widows’ houses. According to Matthew 23:23, Jesus explained that while the Pharisees did really tithe, they neglected justice. And according to Matthew 5:27-28, though the Pharisees may well have put up a boundary around actual physical adultery, they reveled in adultery in their hearts and minds. In other words, though the Pharisee thought of himself as meeting his goals, he didn’t. His motivations did not lead to righteousness, they led to self-deception, comparison, and mind-games.

Regarding the tax collector, surely we don’t believe Jesus’s story is intended to tell us keep on sinning, just make sure to check in with a humble prayer now and then to be justified. Rather, we see the mindset of the person who grows closer to God, putting sin away and putting on spiritual discipline. The tax collector wasn’t concerned how he compared to the Pharisee. He was simply convinced he didn’t measure up and needed mercy so he could overcome the sin that kept him separate from God. He went away justified.

What is Your Motivation?

Examine your resolutions. What are your motivations? Are you trying to prove yourself worthy? Then rewrite your motivation. Are you trying to prove yourself as good as or better than someone else? Then rewrite your motivation. Is your motivation to prove to God, to the world, or even just to yourself how great you are or can be? Then rewrite your motivation.

Let your motivation be a relationship with God. Let your motivation be the blessings of communion and fellowship with God in a healthy relationship with Him. Think about the wonders of drawing closer to Him. Think about the wonders of having all wedges removed between you and Him. Think about having God as your best friend.

Putting Some Legs on This Motivation

Let’s see if we can demonstrate this idea practically. Perhaps you want to cut off gluttony. If your motivation is to be thin like other people or to prove your self-control to God or the brethren or to impress people with your own body, you are almost certainly destined to fail.

However, what if you focused on reveling in your relationship with God as your refuge? What might happen then? What if you focused on having stamina and endurance to serve the Lord in your family, your congregation, your community? What if you envisioned the longevity of being God’s instrument for good works among your family, friends, and brethren similar to Paul in Philippians 1:19-26? Imagine the difference that would make.

Certainly, having the proper motivation is not the only key to being RESOLVED. However, it is the right foundation.

ReWRITE

I didn’t use the word “rewrite” simply to start off a cool acrostic, but rather to highlight the benefit of actually writing down your motivations. Write down what motivates you. Write down the blessings that will come from sticking with your resolutions. Write down what you really value about those blessings. Write down why they are so important to you.

Then in the moment of temptation, pull out what you have written and read it. Don’t agree to violate your resolution or make an exception to it until you have reviewed your motivations in writing.

Write it down, and be amazed at how much that will help you pursue God instead of the false god of whatever sin you are trying to conquer.

Principle #1: Rewrite Your Motivation

Come back next week to learn Principle #2: Establish behaviors not byproducts.

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

As I’ve always said, “Original just means forgetting who I got it from.” I’ve forgotten who I first heard that from. Actually, no I haven’t. Harold Comer was the first person I ever heard say that. But apparently a lot of my friends forgot they heard that from him, because I hear it repeated frequently. But I digress.

Sometimes, I think it just pays to share the sources. One of these days, the things I put in this post and the ones to come like it will end up in sermons, classes, and posts when I’ve forgotten where they came from. This ongoing weekly series will simply share some great statements I’ve read recently. I hope it gives you some ideas for books you’d like to check out.

Change Anything

Good change scientists don’t just thrash about trying every idea that makes the front cover of a popular magazine. Instead, they use a specialized form of scientific inquiry. Here’s a quick overview of how Changers ensure that they stumble forward rather than downward.

First, examine when and where you currently give in to urges. This was Tim’s mistake. Rather than examining his unique challenges, he selected strategies that sounded new and interesting. Instead, he should have examined what we’ll call his crucial moments–the times or circumstances in which his choices are the most consequential.

Tim was like the fellow who searched for his lost car keys under the streetlight near his car, not because he figured he dropped them there, but because he could see better under the light. Tim had selected convenient and cool-sounding influence methods, not relevant ones.

Once you’ve identified your specific vulnerabilities, create a personal change plan (or hypothesis). This plan consists of what you’ll do to resist, remove, and even  transform your urges during critical times.

Finally, implement the plan, observe the results, make changes in the plan (based on what worked and what didn’t–resulting in a new plan), and repeat as needed until you’ve succeeded.”

Change Anything, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al, Grand Central Publishing, New York, 2011, p 30

Preaching With All You’ve Got

Creating a Culture of Expectation

We could start here. I recall reading an unpublished piece of research which contrasted the motives for attending church services in two different congregations. In one, worshippers commented on their duty to attend or expressed a wish ‘to meet with like-minded people’. In the other, most people interviewed spoke of ‘coming to meet with God’. The difference in motive is enough to create two cultures, on where the sermons is an endurance test, the other where it is an opportunity to hear God speak.”

Preaching With All You’ve Got, David Day, Hendrickson Publishers, Peabody, Massachussetts, 2005, pp 161-162

Preaching: Communicating Faith in an Age of Skepticism

The famous nineteenth-century British preacher Charles Spurgeon was bold in his insistence that every sermon lift up Jesus for all listeners to behold. He complained that he often heard sermons that were ‘very learned…fine and magnificent,’ yet all about moral truth and ethical practice and inspiring concepts and ‘not a word about Christ.’ Here is what he says about such preaching, evoking the words of Mary Magdalene: ‘They have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. I heard nothing about Christ!'”

Preaching, Timothy Keller, Viking, New York, 2015, p 22

In short, the temptation will be to let the pulpit drive you to the Word, but instead you must let the Word drive you to the pulpit. Prepare the preacher more than you prepare the sermon.”

Ibid., p 205

The Song of Songs: New American Commentary

The religion of the ascetic fears that if the joy of physical love is not condemned as an innate evil, the mind will forget spiritual things and instead plunge into ever deeper corruption. In the same way, it rejects the gospel of salvation by grace through faith on the grounds that it inevitably leads to more sinning ‘that grace may abound.’ In its attempt to build a wall around the human soul, legal religion only separates the sinner further from God and gives him or her a false hope of escaping the intermingled yearnings and lusts of the heart.”

The New American Commentary: Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, Duane A. Garrett, Broadman Press, Nashville, 1993, p 377

The Song [of Solomon] presents sexuality as a good thing protected by marriage and not as an evil thing made permissible by marriage.”

Ibid., p 378

I hope you enjoyed the foray into what I’ve read recently. I’ll share more each week.

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

Did You See that Alabama Victory?

Wow!

What a game on Monday night, huh? Exciting.

What a victory for Alabama. I was so excited for them. It must feel so good to put such a victory under their belt.

Wait?! What’s that you are saying? Alabama didn’t win? But they had more points for 58 minutes of a 60 minute game. Surely that counts for something. They led the score for much longer than Clemson did. Surely that should matter more than what happened in the last few seconds of the game.

Don’t Worry, I’m Not that Stupid

Despite what my good friend Terry Francis will tell you, I’m not that stupid when it comes to football. Even I know Alabama lost.

Certainly, when it comes to football, it pays to know what the win is. The win is not who has the most rushing yards. The win is not who has the most passing yards. The win is not who caused the most turnovers. The win is not who has the higher score for most of the game. The win is not having the higher score with 10 seconds left on the clock. The win is having the most points when game time is over. That, of course, is why they had to have that last kickoff and last play even though there was only one second left on the clock. Surely it would take a miracle for Alabama to score in one second. But the win is not who is in the lead with one second on the clock. The win goes to the team with more points when the clock runs out.

Sorry to all my Alabama friends. That went to Clemson this year.

Know Your Win

It would be really sad if I did try to celebrate a win for Alabama. However, I’ve noticed many today making an even sadder mistake. They hope to get to heaven because of how good they are. They say things like, “I don’t need to be a Christian to be saved. I’m a better person than most of the Christians I know. Surely that ought to count for something.” “Look at all these good works I have done. I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. I’m nice to people. Surely that should matter in the end.”

On the other hand I’ve talked to others who stayed away from Christianity saying, “I can’t be a Christian; I’m not good enough. I’ll never make it.”

I do not want to give any justification to those who claim to be in Christ but still live like the devil. However, even though Jesus teaches morality, a changed life, and great behavior, that is not the win. The victory doesn’t go to the best people. The victory goes to those who are in Jesus Christ and only to those in Jesus Christ.

And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

Acts 4:12

It is true that there are a lot of pretty good atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, agnostics, Mormons, and Wiccans. Further, it is also true that there are a lot of people claiming to be Christian who live abominably.

Yet this isn’t the win. The win is not being more moral than your neighbor. That is the approach the Pharisee in Luke 18:9-14 took. But he didn’t go away justified. The tax collector who was not nearly is “righteous” as the Pharisee went away justified because he connected to God God’s way.

Are You In?

So, here is the win. Be in Jesus Christ. Let Him save you and let Him lead you. It doesn’t matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter if you are in the last second of your life. Get in Jesus. When you stand before God in judgment, the question will not be how many good things you did. The question will not be who is worse or better than you. The question will be are you in Christ.

How do you get in Christ?

For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.”

Galatians 3:27

Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

Acts 2:38

Are you in?

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

be RESOLVED

Week two of 2017. How are you doing on your resolutions?

Jim Gaffigan’s take on resolutions to work out seems to be the norm for most of us on just about any resolution.

I’m one of those people whenever I do work out, I immediately have grand plans. You know: “I’m going to work out every day.” And then the next day I’m like, “Well, not every day. I gotta let my muscles breathe a little. I’ll work out every other day.” And then the next day I’m like, “Nah, I’m happy with the way I look. I don’t want to get caught up in that beauty culture.”

Mr. Universe

That’s kind of the way I am about resolutions in general, even the ones about overcoming sin and increasing spiritual discipline. “I’m going to read my Bible and pray for an hour every day.” And then the next day, I’m like, “Well, not every day. I’ve got to give my spirit some meditation time. I’ll do that once per week.” And then the next day, I’m like, “Nah, I go to church and pray at meals, I’m good. I don’t want to get caught up in that ‘works salvation’ culture.”

According to the authors of Change Anything:

Ninety-eight percent of us fail at keeping resolutions to change our bad habits.*

Are we doomed to lives without growth and improvement? Of course not. God is on our side. With God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). We simply need to turn our resolutions and commitments over to Him.

With that in mind, I’d like to take the next several Mondays to share 8 biblical principles to help us be RESOLVED. What will it look like when we turn our resolutions over to God? Keep coming back to find out.

Caveats

But before we get into the principles, some caveats.

The nature of the gospel

On the one hand, I’m excited to share these principles. On the other hand, I’m leery. I fear presenting these principles will cause us to misunderstand the gospel. The gospel is not a self-help project, life-enrichment program, or a business-improvement plan. While following these principles will actually help you with everything from losing weight to finding success on the job, that is not what these posts are really about. Jesus did not die on the cross and then burst forth from the grave on the third day to give you a happy marriage and a good job, a thin waist and a fat portfolios, a well-maintained house and a well-manicured lawn. He died to set you free from sin.

However, I know you are interested in that very freedom. I am certain that you, like me, make many resolutions, commitments, and promises tied up in putting off the old man and putting on the new, tied up in putting to death what is earthly in you and bringing to life what is godly, tied up in cutting off sin and growing godly disciplines to build your spiritual core.

An 8-step path to salvation?

Further, what I’m going to share over the next two months is not an 8-step path to salvation.

If you follow the principles I am going to outline, you will become a more disciplined person. Whatever you apply these principles to will improve. You may apply these principles and become more honest, more disciplined, more dependable, less disorganized, less caustic, less stressed, healthier, wealthier, and wise. And yet, for all of that, you can still be lost.

There is only one path to God and salvation, and that is Jesus Christ (cf. John 14:6; Acts 4:12). If you want to end up in heaven, you have to start up in Christ. Please do not think you can get yourself to heaven by applying these 8 principles. Only Jesus can do that.

Whether or not you even believe in God, following these 8 principles will help you improve just about any aspect of your life. My experience has been when you follow God’s principles, you get God’s results, whether you believe in Him or not.

However, wouldn’t it be awful for you to apply God’s principles to certain aspects of your life, improving them, but end up lost eternally anyway? I encourage you to apply God’s soul-saving principles to your life first, then adding His life-improving principles will be doing more than straightening deck chairs on the Titanic.

As Peter said, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit” (Acts 2:38). Let Jesus save you, then improving your life will actually accomplish something valuable.

I’m writing this for me as much as you

I am not asking you to read the 8 principles I’ve nailed and applied accurately to my life so you can be more like me. I need to hear them more than you. I write them as a reminder to me. I share them with you because now that you know I know them, I can’t give you excuses. I am convinced these principles will work. I’ve seen them work when applied. I’m teaching myself. I’m encouraging you. Let’s work them together.

Join me next Monday for Principle #1: Rewrite your motivation.

Links to entire series:

Rewrite Your Motivation

Establish Behaviors Not Byproducts

Strategize Around Your Setbacks

*(Change Anything, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al, Grand Central Publishing, New York, 2011, p 26)

Photo adapted from Graceway Media

I know you are going to be shocked when I tell you what the lie is. You have probably been told it is biblical advice. In fact, when I share it with you, I imagine you’ll even call to mind a Bible passage to defend the lie. But it is a lie that is not supported by the Bible.

Are you ready for it? Here is the lie.

The #1 Lie

You need to redirect your lust toward your wife.

We’ve all heard it. We’ve probably all said it. I know I’ve given people this advice. I’ve given myself this advice. The only problem is it is completely, totally, and in all other ways wrong. It is not wisdom from God. It is a lie from the devil and will keep you trapped in cycles of lust and sexual frustration.

The Scenarios

Here’s the scene. You are on a sales call, walk into an office, and see the buxom receptionist wearing a form-fitting top with plunging neckline. It is all you can do to look her in the eyes and conduct your business. Your mind is racing in sexual fantasyland and all you can think about is sex. You are franticly trying to remember what company you work for and why you were even visiting this establishment. But you’ve read books on this topic and know what to do with this lust. Redirect it toward your wife. You know what you are going to be looking for at home tonight.

Or perhaps you are sitting in Starbucks. There you are, minding your own business, reading your paper or maybe even your Bible. In walks a college co-ed with spandex pants, an exposed midriff, and large upper body parts. Just one minute ago sex was the last thing on your mind. (Yes, ladies, despite what you think, there are indeed seconds, even entire minutes, when we men aren’t thinking about sex. It just doesn’t take much to get us to start thinking about it again.) But now it is the only thing on your mind. Desperately, you are trying to put your eyes back on what you were reading and get thoughts of that young lady out of your head. But you’ve talked to your preacher about this and are prepared. You’ll just take all this sexual desire home to your wife. That’s why God gave her to you.

Do these scenarios seem familiar to you?

All the Single Guys

Obviously, the first problem is what should the single guy do? Is he out of luck? Should he just go get married?

Guys, let’s imagine the proposal based on this thinking.

“Hey babe, I know we’ve only known each other for ________________ and we’ve only been serious about our relationship for ____________, but I’m horny. I keep seeing women that get my sexual engines running, and I assure you that you are one of them. I really need someone to have sex with. Will you marry me? Please?”

Do I really need to comment any more on this line of thought? If just thinking through the above proposal doesn’t demonstrate what is wrong with this scenario, you need more help than a blog post can offer.

Those Lucky Married Guys

But is this even a great piece of advice for us married guys? Let’s think it through. In fact, why don’t you ask your wife about this? Imagine the following radically honest request.

“Hey hon, I’ve been looking forward to getting home all day. I just couldn’t wait to see you. I saw this large-breasted, scantily clad, hot woman today and it just really got me turned on. I couldn’t get my mind off of it all day. Do you want to have sex with me tonight?”

What do you think her response to that is going to be? Let’s face it, the last thing she wants is for you to come home and try to have sex with her because you got turned on by some other woman. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate. I guess the last thing she wants is for you to try to have sex with some other woman because you got turned on. So, you’re doing better than I first thought. You’ve actually made it all the way up to the second to last thing your wife wants.

Sadly, some women have heard this lie as well and settled for this second to last thing, believing it is the wife’s duty to be her husband’s sex receptacle in order to keep him from committing adultery. I imagine if we conducted a poll of these good-hearted women, we’ll find that the sexual relationship in most of their marriages is not fulfilling and instead simply produces resentment, which makes it harder and harder to keep fulfilling this duty.

Let me assure you, this approach to marital sex is unhealthy and not God glorifying. Your desire to have sex with a woman you are not married to is not God glorifying and asking your wife to fill that desire is not going to produce God-glorifying sex.

But At Least I Can Lust for My Wife, Right?

Can we make a distinction between lust and sexual attraction? The reality is sexual attraction is natural. God made us sexual creatures. You can obviously be sexually attracted to your wife. In fact, I’m going to suggest you can be sexually attracted to all manner of people. Maybe “can” is the wrong word. The right word is “will.” You will be sexually attracted to all manner of people. You are probably never going to turn that off. But at this point we aren’t talking about lust.

By the way, spouses need to understand this point. The fact that your spouse feels a sexual attraction to someone doesn’t mean he is a pervert. It means he is a human. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It simply means he is still a man. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you (sexually or as his life’s devotion). It just means he still has eyes and hormones.

While I readily admit the line between sexual attraction and lust is a very thin one, and I am not wise enough to know exactly where to draw the line, I assert that lust is different from attraction, at least as it is used negatively in passages like Matthew 5:28. In fact, I think we need to recognize that the condemned sexual lust is more than simply desiring sex. Lust, when pictured as a negative desire is about taking something. For instance, in passages like Acts 20:33; Romans 7:7 it is the word translated “covet.” It is the term translated “covet” in Romans 13:9 when listing some of the 10 Commandments. It is used in James 4:2 to talk about the desire that leads to murder because it doesn’t have what it wants.

When we put all these together, I think we see a bigger picture of this negative lust. It is more than simply wanting something you aren’t supposed to have or wanting something that isn’t yours. It is even more than having an overwhelming desire for it. What does “overwhelming desire” even mean? “I want it so much I can’t help myself.” Really? Or are you just making a case to justify your uncontrolled behavior.

Rather, this negative lust is a desire characterized by a self-centered objectification and entitlement. “I want it. I deserve it. I can take it.” Even if all you do is take mentally from some woman, the lust is a theft based on objectification and entitlement. You are taking from her a mental image that is not yours based on a skewed perspective of who she is, seeing her as nothing more than the sum of her body parts. And I want to share with you the shocking truth that you are not allowed to do this to your wife either. Even if it were allowed, I can almost guarantee your wife doesn’t want that lust or want to respond to it (at least as I’m defining lust as distinct from sexual attraction in this post). Further, women who do respond to that lust are usually either damaged and hurting or are using it to control, dominate, and manipulate in ungodly ways (even if they are doing it with their husbands) and ways you don’t want to experience.

But What about 1 Corinthians 7:1-5?

See, I told you you were going to come up with a Bible passage to justify this lie.

Read 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 again. Seriously. Read it now. Click that hyperlink. Go read it again before you make this flawed argument.

Is there anything in that passage that says, “If you got turned on and lusted for someone else, take that to your wife”? No. Instead, it says that instead of pursuing sexual immorality, you should pursue marriage.

I want to be careful, because an exposition of this passage could be a blog post all on its own and we’re already going on long enough. So let me make one point about this passage that I hope you will note.

Did you recognize Paul described sex as something you give, not something you take? The ESV especially highlights this. Husbands are to give conjugal rights to their wives, and vice versa. We are to fulfill our duties to our spouse. Sex is not supposed to be self-centered, but spouse-centered. Did you notice it did not even once claim a spouse could demand conjugal rights?

The shallow use of this text that men have used to force their wives to have sex with them any time they want or guilt their wives into having sex with them in order to keep them “fulfilled” so they won’t go looking elsewhere is reprehensible. Men, the only thing this text says to you is for you to fulfill your sexual duty to your wife. And I assure you that this is not the same thing as participating in the sex act anytime you want.

What is the conclusion then about lust from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5? Sexual attraction is likely very helpful in fulfilling your duty to your spouse. But lust, the self-centered objectification and entitled desire for copulation, is a misuse of sex even in marriage. Sex is not to be about taking, but about giving.

Sadly, too many Christians have allowed our views of sex to be molded by our sex-crazed culture. Sex in marriage is not about taking an activity from our spouse because of an immediate fleshly desire. Rather, it is a physical celebration of the oneness that a married couple develops spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and relationally. That is why the very first description of sexuality is becoming “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24), a term which means so much more than “go have sex.” That is why sexual fulfillment grows in marriage, because the oneness grows. And that is also why Cosmo has to keep rewriting the same articles about 101 ways to have mind-bowing sex. If you are going to abandon the appropriate place of sex, all that’s left is pursuing momentary pleasure through novelty in technique. That, however, always falls short of providing lasting fulfillment, so you need a new article once you’ve tried all the approaches in the last one and still don’t feel satisfied.

What Is the Truth?

I know what you are thinking. “If I shouldn’t redirect my lust to my wife, how on earth can I deal with this?” Redirect your objectifying thoughts to subjectifying thoughts. Redirect your entitlement thinking to thankful thinking. Redirect your self-centered thinking to God-centered thinking. Redirect your lust-filled thinking into blessing-filled thinking.

You see, the lie you’ve been told has subtly allowed you to hang on to your lust for that other woman all day until you get home to your wife. But that isn’t going to work, even if your wife will oblige your sexual urges. All it is going to do is feed the lust cycle. In fact, if your wife obliges you, it’s going to make eradicating lust in the future even harder. After all, what your mind and body were just taught is “If I think about sex with someone all day, when I get home, I’ll get to have sex.” And I guarantee you that will eventually lead to some resentment on somebody’s part in the marriage and ultimately produce some frustration, because fulfilling, meaningful, and God-glorifying sex does not happen in the bed governed by demands and resentment.

What you need is tools that will help you dissipate your lust so you can become free to have God-glorifying, marital unifying sex with your wife. If lust is a self-centered, objectifying, entitlement-based desire, then you don’t need to redirect who you are thinking about, but what you are thinking about.

Subjectify

Stop objectifying and start subjectifying. Objectifying treats a woman like an object. She is nothing more than the sum total of her body parts. She is a tool for your sexual taking (even if only mentally). Instead, start to subjectify her, which means start turning her into someone you can identify with.

She is more than her body parts. She is a person. She has hurts, fears, joys, pains, goals, dreams. She’s somebody’s daughter. She may even be someone’s wife and someone’s mother. In the past week, she has been afraid, hurt, pleased, blessed, cursed, disappointed, fulfilled, frustrated. She has expectations for her day. She has responsibilities in her day. She has fears about her day. She has goals for her day. Have you ever been in any of those places? How did you want people to look at you? As an object? As someone who was there as a tool to fulfill whatever desires they had going on in the moment? As someone to take one more thing from? Of course not. Subjectify her and identify with her.

Let me ask you. If you discovered that she had come to Starbucks to get a break from the hospital where her daughter lay dying, would your thought still be about what being in the sack with her would be like? I hope your thought would be, “Oh wow, I hope something can be a blessing in her life today to help her deal with that.”

[Addendum: As per a comment from a good friend on Facebook, if you simply stop with this, you run another danger, especially with women you actually have some relationship with (e.g. a co-worker, fellow church member, neighbor). With merely this point you are in danger of developing an emotional connection that you feel surpasses lust and makes you impervious to its temptations. Many have fallen prey to sexual temptation when they become convinced their relationship with a woman is based on real love and care even though they are not married to her. However, if you keep three things in mind you will diminish this danger. 1) As part of you subjectifying, remember her soul and yours. 2) Subjectify your wife as well, remembering that her hopes and dreams for today are that you will stay faithful to her. 3) Move on to the other three tools for thought redirection.]

Thanksgiving 

Stop feeling entitled and instead start counting your blessings with thanksgiving. The fact is, you are not entitled to sex at the drop of hat from anyone, let alone the waitress who just took your lunch order. When your entitlement thinking starts filling you with resentment about what you don’t have access to and increasing your desire to figure out how to get it, start counting the great blessings you have.

Remember God who is with you all the time and has blessed you with every blessing in the heavenly places. Think about all the relationships you do have (not merely the sexual one) and how fulfilling they are. Think about the opportunities you have today to show real love to people, perhaps including your wife. If you are married, think of all the reasons you are thankful for your wife. If you are single, think of all the blessings that do accompany a single life (and there are plenty).

God Centered

Stop pursuing self-centered thinking. Instead, redirect your mind to God-centered thinking. I know it is tempting to think spouse-centered thinking is best here. But it isn’t. Certainly, thinking about what cheating on your spouse would do to her might help you. But, here is what I mean by God-centered.

This principle has come from passages like Proverbs 27:7 and Psalm 37:4; 73:25. We need to grow in our delight with God above all other possible delights until we can say along with the Psalmist, “God, I want you more than I want anything else, including sex with this other woman.” When we are full of God, the bitter fruit of immorality will not tempt us. With all this in mind, I encourage you to redirect your self-centered thinking that promotes lust to God-centered thinking that realizes how God provides the greatest fulfillment and delight in all of life.

I once learned a prayer that helps me greatly in these moments. “God, help me find in You, whatever I’m looking for in her.”

Blessing Filled

Finally, as you work on these three other tools, you can redirect your thoughts from lust to blessing. Lust is an act of taking or treating others as someone to take from. Blessing is an act of giving or viewing others as someone to give to.

Instead of thinking of all the ways you might like to take from the woman who has excited your lust, think of all the ways she might need to be blessed today. (Surely, I don’t need to tell you that one of those ways is not your misguided idea that you are God’s blessing to women sexually.) You are already well on your way to blessing-filled thinking as you have subjectified this woman. You have considered the potential fears, goals, wants she has. You have thought about the relationships she might be in today or in the future. Why not spend some time praying that God would bless her in all of that? Why not pray for God to protect her from those who would take from her, even if only mentally? Why not pray that she can be a blessing in all her relationships and those in her relationships can be a blessing to her and not a threat?

Why not now spend some time praying God’s blessing upon your wife (or future wife)? Pray that you can be a blessing in her life and not a curse.

A New Scenario

You’ve dropped into a nearby restaurant for lunch. You look up from the menu when the waitress says, “Hi there, my name is __________, what can I get you to drink?” and you see a woman who is just your kind of cocaine. The sexual engines are revving up. The fantasy is starting to form. The lust is starting to kick in. You are moving beyond, “Wow! She’s pretty” to “Wow! I wonder what sex with her is like?” All this is based on nothing more than exterior attributes. You struggle to say, “All I want is water, please.” And she walks away.

But instead of feeding those thoughts by letting your eyes take in her entire walking figure and saying, “I get to dwell on this and take it home to my wife.” You say, “Wow! I bet this woman gets objectified by men all day. That must be a hard thing to deal with all the time. She’s probably even been tricked by the devil to play up on that in order to get bigger tips. That must make her feel worthless. I would hate for my daughter or my sister to have to deal with that. I’m sure glad my wife doesn’t have to deal with that. It must be tough for her husband to help her get past all of that when she gets home each evening. I know she can’t be making much money on this job. I hope she’s not dealing with financial struggles. That would be awful. I bet she’s using this as a stepping stone job while she is pursuing some other dream. I sure hope it works out for her. In fact, maybe I should pray for her.

“Dear God, please help me find in You what I am looking for in this woman and in sex. Be with this woman. Protect her from those who would take from her, even if only mentally. Fill her life with men who will respect her and treat her with dignity and blessing. Please let her potential husband, her employer, her customers, her potential children be a blessing in her life today. And help her be a blessing in their lives. If she is your child, please bless her to grow in your grace and knowledge. If not, please give her the opportunity to hear your gospel and respond to it. And God, while You’re at it, please bless my wife (or future wife). Give her the husband she needs who will respect her and be loyal to her, protecting her from hurt, and instead blessing her. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

You may have to do this several times through the meal. And you may have to call a trusted friend to share what is in your head, shining the light on it so it won’t take over. Just keep redirecting your thinking until the lust dissipates.

Let the Truth Set You Free

Men, I don’t want to deceive you. Hearing this truth and acting on it for a day is not going to spell freedom from lust for the rest of your life. Because the line between sexual attraction and lust is a very thin one, you are likely going to face this battle for a very long time.

However, I assure you, redirecting your thinking about women, including your wife, will help you far more than redirecting your lust to your wife. As time goes by, you’ll be surprised at the victory over lust you are gaining.

Please, don’t let Satan’s lie enslave you any longer. Let God’s truth set you free.