A story about infertility and wish for pregnancy

My story - paperback or e-book

2011-10-23T02:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for a while, but as I said in my last post: My story is really over for now. Will we go for a second child? I'm not sure. We are thinking about it. We still have some frozen embryos left, so maybe...

Anyway, throughout my journey I have written down my feelings and my experiences. I did this for three reasons:

1) To share it with fellow sufferers of infertility and to give them hope
2) To digest and cope with my own feelings through writing them down
3) To be able to share our story with my daughter when she is older
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When I tried to read through my story in the blog a few months ago I found it difficult to read the whole story, though. It's easy when you follow it at the time or just want to look at certain stages of the process. But it's not practical when you want to read the full story.

I have therefore compiled my 'infertility to pregnancy' story and published it both in e-book and paperback format.

If you are interested in buying it and to be able to read the full story in an easy format, please use the following links:

Infertility to Pregnancy - Paperback

Infertility to Pregnancy e-Book

Otherwise you are more than welcome to read my story on the blog.

Happy Ending

2011-02-04T03:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I just realised that my story and therefore this blog have really come to an end.

On Tuesday, 25th January 2011 my waters broke. It was just a light trickle, but it kept happening during the day so by evening I was convinced it was my waters, not just a weak bladder which is quite normal towards the end of pregnancy. When my husband came home I called the hospital. They wanted to know the colour of the water (just before I called they had become slightly pink) and if it was liquid or like mucus. Earlier the day my mucus plug had come off so I knew the difference. Based on that they asked us to come in.

We put the labour and hospital bag in the car and went to hospital. We left everything in the car though. We had to wait for a while until someone was available and in the meantime my contractions started slightly - it was after 8 pm so there was reduced staff - and then they checked that my baby was okay. 20 minutes on a machine and we had the go ahead for the examination. The heartbeat was regular and I had recorded sufficient movement (by pressing a little button everytime I felt her. My contractions had been picked up by the machine as well.

The internal examination then showed that my waters had indeed broken. I was sent home to come back when my contractions where about 4 minutes apart and given an appointment for induction on Thursday 4pm if nothing happened until then. But as I already had quite regular contractions they expected me to come back during the night or next morning anyway.

We went home and my contractions became much stronger. They were now every 10 minutes apart during the whole night. At some point in the morning (Wednesday) they were 6-7 minutes apart. My husband worked from home because we expected things to kick off soon now. But my contractions stayed on 6 minutes rhythm. All day. All evening. In the night they became much more painful but didn't get any closer apart. We called the hospital and they advised to have a warm bath and take 2 paracetamols and hang in there. It helped a little and I managed a couple of hours of sleep. I had another bath in the morning and then we waited desperately for 3pm to arrive so we could set off to the hospital.

Once arrived we had to wait until the bed in the induction room was ready then we had to wait for the doctor. They put a belt on me to check babies heartbeat as well as my blood pressure but everything was fine. Then they brought dinner through. I didn't feel like eating having had contractions for over 48 hours but my husband convinced me to have some - he had looked after me all day as it was so important that I kept my strenghts up.

The doctor then said that the cervix was very thin and I was 2 cm dilated and he could feel babies head. Only part of my waters had broken so he broken the rest manually. It was a sharp but short pain and the waters soaked me completely through.

They said they'd expect the contractions to get quicker and stronger on their own now without an induction, so I went to clean myself up in the bathroom and was shown my labour room. Then we planned to go for a walk to the coffee shop. They told me to be back in an hour. But on the short walk to the room my contractions became really strong and were only 4 minutes apart. I sent my husband to get his coffee and stayed behind. A couple of hours later contractions were really strong and I was nearly 5 cm dilated. An hour later though no further change had happened. They decided to put me on a catheder and do an induction after all.

Because my waters had broken well before birth I was also given antibiotics to protect the baby and I was on machines to check baby's heartbeat. This meant I couldn't walk about freely which I really wanted. But at least my husband arranged for a labour ball which I found much easier than lying on the bed.

The induction worked and pain became very strong and frequent now. I was on gas and air and at some point opted for pethidine injections as well. They didn't take the pain away but worked within 10 minutes and took the early and late pain of each contraction away so I could focus on the worst pain in the middle which I managed with breathing, my hypnosis cues and gas and air as well as my husband massaging me.

Talking about my husband - he was ever so good. He hadn't wanted to be there, but he was so supportive and lovely. It meant so much to me to have him there by my side. He kept giving me sips of fruit juice as well.

Everybody said I did ever so well, would be amazingly calm. I really thing the hypnosis preparation had worked. They kept losing babies heartbeat though during heavy contractions and put some sensors on babies head to ensure it's just me moving and not the baby in trouble. Luckily it was just me moving. At some point early morning I really thought I'd had a bowel movement on the bed. I know this happens a lot and I was terrified of it happening to me. I was desperate to go to the loo but after they finally took me off the machines to enable me to go I couldn't. I lost the sensors though. By this point they agreed though that the baby was about to come and didn't put them back on. It was probably the baby when I thought I was about to disgrace myself...

Anyway, about 3pm the midwife told me to start pushing through contractions. She said it'd burn like hell, and she wasn't joking! Finally the head was through and she told me to puff with the next contractions.

3:26 AM on the 28th January my beautiful baby girl was born.

I held her immediately and it was the most amazing feeling ever (even though she shit all over me, I didn't care). Then baby was cleaned up and passed to Daddy as I had two little tears to be stitched up. That was agony as she had to start 5 times because of blood vessels bursting. Finally she got someone else in to do it.

Baby was weighed (3550g) and checked (AGPAR score of 9) and I gave her the first feed. Then I was helped to have a shower and afterwards brought up to the maternity ward. A single room was only available later in the day so we started off in an open room.

And that was that. I am Mummy to the most beautiful girl you can imagine. My story might end here but hers is just beginning. I am so proud of her for making this journey with me and even though early motherhood is hard and tiring, there is nothing that could ever make me stop loving this little precious bundle.

For anyone out there going through the same struggles as me - I can't promise a happy ending. But I hope my story gives you hope, something to cling to. If you suceed with your treatment, it will most certainly be worth every tear, every injection, every painful examination. Just keep your eyes on the goal - a beautiful baby of your own.

Count down

2011-01-16T03:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I am now 39 weeks + 2 days pregnant. There are still days I can't actually believe that I am pregnant. That this is real. Until I try to turn on my stomach that is - I quickly realise that there is a baby because there is no way I can lie on my stomach nowadays!!!

I am not overly tired in the moment, but that's because I do very little. I get exhausted when just doing the weekly shop... Since yesterday I have a lot of bowel movements. Maybe that's a good sign and labour is imminent. My back still hurts but much less than before and it feels as if baby moved quite a bit down, which probably puts less pressure on my back. Baby still moves regularly, but has calmed down a lot. I guess she is just running out of space, poor thing. I keep telling her that she just needs to come out and then she'll have lots of space. Not sure she understands what I am trying to say, though. :-)

I can't wait for her arrival now. Or - better said - for her to be here. I am not all that keen on the 'giving birth' experience, even though I am not really overly worried neither. It's just something to get through. But I can't wait to hold my little darling in my arms. I just hope she's alright in there and well prepared for real life.

She could arrive any day now. Or in 2 weeks... I don't think they'd leave her in there for any longer. They usually give babies 1 week after the due date when you had infertility treatment before induction. My husband says not to worry - she'll come when she's ready. That might be right, but it doesn't stop me from being impatient.

I can't really do a proper count down before the due date is only an estimation and most people go over it!

Mid-wife or consultant-led labour

2011-01-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

I just had a positive phone call!

Because of our infertility treatment I was classed as consultant-led pregnancy. I kind off understand it especially as ICSI has a higher risk of low-birth weight and early labour. However, my pregnancy so far went without any complications whatsoever. I am 39 weeks pregnant today, so early labour is out of the question. And low-birth weight? Well, unlikely. I am massive and the baby is marked on the 90% line of the average growth chart based on my belly measurements. I also had a growth scan and everything was just fine.

Anyway, I wasn't too bothered either way - in some respect it is positive because you get additional scans - until I did the labour ward tour recently. There are different labour and delivery rooms for consultant versus midwife led labour. As consultant led patient I could not use the birthing pool and the rooms are much smaller, so there is less space to walk around. At the hospital they recommended to speak to the midwife about if it is possible to be recommended to be mid-wife led for the rest of the pregnancy or at least labour.

I raised this last Wednesday at my midwife appointment and she agreed to discuss it with my consultant. And she just called me and advised that the consultant has no concerns whatsoever and they make a note in my hospital file that I can have midwife led care for the rest of pregnancy and labour.

I'm really pleased about that! It's always worth asking I guess.

Impatient

2011-01-12T03:00:00.001-08:00

Most babies don't arrive by their due date. I think only about 40% do. That doesn't stop me from being frustratingly impatient.

Little one is due 21st January so it's another (including today) 10 days. I keep thinking she'll come earlier, but I don't know if I can trust my gut feeling. I mean, I thought more than once that I was pregnant before finding out that we were infertile. I was convinced it was a boy until they told me it's a girl. So I am not really sure if I can trust what I read into my body signals now!

It's just that baby has started to become quieter. She is still moving enough not to worry me and still has a mean left kick if she wants to. But she is running out of space and allegedly that's a sign that babies come soon when they get quiet.

The last few days I was incredibly emotional and irritable. My parents (mainly my mother) is such a worrier. No matter what I say she'll panick. E.g. I say that in England you share a room with 4-6 women after delivery. She worries that it will be noisy and we won't be able to rest. Then I say that my husband wants to pay for a single room so I have more privacy and can recover better and she worries that I collapse and faint and nobody will know. That's just one example. Another is that I am consultant led because of IVF / ICSI. I would prefer to be midwife led as it is more natural and probably calmer and after all, I didn't have any problems in pregnancy. She agreed that it is better to have less doctors and people coming around but when I said that I want to ask the midwife if I can be midwife led for labour my mother panicked that I don't get the best care. She said the other day that it is a shame she is so far away so she can't be with me during those last few days. I said that I think it's good she is so far away as she only would worry the life out of me with her worrying. Not very nice, I know. But true. I try to be so calm and relaxed about birth and so far succeed quite well. The hypnosis recording seems to be good for me as well. but everytime I talk to her I start worrying... She actually said that birth is harder and more worrying for grandparents than for the mother to be... Excuse me???

Anyway, I burst into tears day before yesterday as well. My husband came home from work and I told him something that happened on the day. Half way through my sentence he started reading an email and telling me that the colleague it was from was a right ****** all day and walked off to his car to get something out. I know he sometimes doesn't think. I know he doesn't mean to do this. I know he is still with his mind at work. But it might be feel so irrelevant and unloved and not important. And when he didn't realised why I cried it made it even worse. Thing is, he was always like that and if I was dealing with it for the past 7 years, why does it make me burst into tears now? Well, it's hormones I guess.

I am also sweating a lot at night. So much that I sometimes need to get up half through the night, get a shower and get changed. I know that's normal in late pregnancy but I never sweat. I've been to Dubai for a week without losing a drop of sweat...

Baby is also clearly pushing on my cervix. I feels like a sharp pain several times a day, as if someone is pushing a knife or a sharp needle in it. It only lasts a second or so, but I guess it means I am opening.

But all I can do now is being patient and wait. I have an appointment on the 27th for a membrane sweek in case she doesn't arrive before. But I really hope she won't make me wait that long. I don't really want a membrane sweep and certainly no induction. But I know that wouldn't be optional as a consultant led patient.

Everything is ready for little one. Clothes washed, ironed and put away. Bed prepared. Changing table in position and well equipped. All that's missing now is a baby!

Wish me luck. It could be any day now.

Happy new year

2011-01-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

I hope you celebrated well. I did not overly enjoy it which I am sad about. It was the last Christmas and New Years Eve before our little one joins us but I haven't been able to see my family, we had to carry my mother-in-law around with us and she did nothing but whinge.

After endless arguments between my husband and her she put her hearing aid in so we didn't have to scream all night. But the food was too spicy, the restaurant (which is a very good one) not as good as the one we went to before (service tends to be a little slower when you have a fully booked restaurant instead of one with half the tables busy), in the pub the music was too loud and she didn't like it and from about 10pm she kept going on about going home because it is too boring. Normally she would have drunk a lot and probably been in a better mood, but since she fell down the stairs having drunk too much not that long ago and ended up in an ambulance and A&E we did keep tabs on that.

It didn't help that I felt quite emotional all evening - no doubt pregnancy hormones. The meal was nice and I enjoyed the music, but in overall it was a boring evening with both me and my husband seriously pissed off with her. And that's sad.

She is a nice woman but unfortunately she likes 'being unhappy' at times and enjoys whingeing about everything. Together with telling the same stories 20 times a day and having already spent all Christmas with her that was just too much. We are building an annex for her so she can live on her own but with us. It makes sense and I agreed to it. She's nearly 80 and it is sensible to have her close by since her husband died last year. But right now that thought terrifies me. I'll be at home all day with little one. I hope she's not going to drive me nuts. I won't have any privacy in the garden anymore, but it is more the thought of her constantly popping in. I hope she won't, but I am a little worried right now. Probably just my hormones as I said. It's not as if we just agreed that last night. And it can't harm to have a living in babysitter.

By the way, I had a call from the doctors yesterday. My iron levels are still too low so I got some more iron tablets.

Getting ready

2010-12-31T06:31:00.000-08:00

So it is New Years Eve and 21 days until due date. Today my baby also is full term - i.e. I am 37 weeks pregnant.

For some reason everyone seems to think that my baby still makes its appearance in 2010. Maybe because I look so big. Saying so, I have hardly put any weight on recently. I just can't get that much into my stomach any more. I just look so big because I am so small. Anyway, so far my husband had panicked calls from both my parents and his mother because I was out and they couldn't reach me at home. They thought I'd gone into labour. You'd think they worry that we forget to tell them when little one arrives...

We've installed the base for the car seat today and practised how to get it on and off. I'm pleased that's done.

Yesterday we also bought finally a set of drawers from Ikea which fits nicely into the wardrobe in the nursery so that's all done now and I finally managed to get some order in the chaos in the nursery.

2 days ago our new washing machine (we just spent nearly 3 weeks without a working one) arrived. So I caught up on all the washing and ironing. And that includes baby's complete new wardrobe and bedding. It looks so cute on the drying stand... Most is dried and put away though now. I think my hubby was a little jealous when I ironed baby's clothes first and said I'd do his afterwards if I'm not too tired. Anyway, I did it all.

My labour bag is also packed and I just need to do the hospital bag - I was waiting for the washing to be done so I'll do that this weekend.

The only thing left to do now is buying a mattress for the travel cot. The cot is already in the nursery and baby will have his daytime naps there so she gets used to her own room straight away. But at night I want her with me in the first few months and we can't get the proper cot throught the door. We got a travel cot with loyalty points we had from Argos so we use that. But the mattress included is very thin and hard. I need to measure the exact dimensions I need and then buy a proper travel cot mattress. They don't seem to be too expensive.

So, as strange as it sounds, I'm ready for little one.

Tonight we go for a meal with my mother in law (hopefully WITH hearing aid) for New Years Eve and then to the local pub. I'll also put the maternity bed sheets in bed today in case my waters break at home (I am starting to think she'll be rather early than later as well with everybody insisting on that! It wouldn't be the worst neither because sleeping gets a lot more uncomfortable now.

Either baby is pushing a lot against me recently or I have loads of Braxton Hicks contractions.

Sunday we meet with the NCT group from our prenatal care course. So far none of us had the baby! With regards to the first aid course - well, after cancelling the last one due to bad weather they now published new dates - 2 days before my due date. I don't think so. I'll just have to buy a book for now...

Christmas

2010-12-27T05:09:00.000-08:00

I know this sounds terrible. But I am grateful that Christmas is over. Usually we go to my family over Christmas. They live about 11 hours drive in the car away and it's a long journey through several countries. This year my mother in law was coming with us as her husband passed away earlier this year. But then of course our miracle happened and I got pregnant.

At 36 week on Christmas Eve we didn't think it was wise to take on this journey, so Christmas was at our house. Just my husband, my mother in law and me. My parents couldn't really come here as my sister needs to split her Christmas between them and her husbands family. And as she had a baby girl end of October the journey wouldn't have been feasible for them - nor did my parents wants to miss my nieces first Christmas.

Christmas wasn't that bad really. I missed our traditional Christmas meal. I missed finally meeting my niece. I missed my parents. I missed my grandmother - she is not well and I'm not sure I'll see her again now. But you never know. I also missed my best friends - one had a baby since I've last seen her and one has a little boy I've only seen once last Christmas. I saw my family and my sisters family via web cam and spoke to my grandmother on the phone. But it's not really the same. I haven't seen them since last Christmas.

We wanted to at least prepare a nice Christmas meal with a proper turkey but as my mother in law was staying with us for several days she meant to be good and bought some meat - a mixture of several type of meats. We couldn't really say no as she bought it, but I did not enjoy it at all.

She is nearly 80 and really a lovely woman. But it felt like a really long Christmas. Everytime someone had a glass of water or used anything resembling a plate she started washing the dishes. She likes things tidy and I know I should be grateful she didn't leave everything to me as I am quite easily exhausted at this stage of pregnancy. But I felt obliged to help her so I feel like I've done little but washing the dishes and clearing the floor of shoemarks all Christmas.

It didn't help that the battery in her hearing aid was flat and she decided she wouldn't need it anyway. We had the TV 3 times the volume we normally have so she could at least partly hear it. And she kept trying to have conversations at the same time which meant I had to scream over the TV. She didn't hear when my husband and I talked so she kept interrupting us. Anything outside of the house - like going for a nice walk and visiting an aunt of my husbands we should have visited when the snow suddenly came down heavily on England were out-of-bounds. She wouldn't hear any of it, not with me being pregnant. Arguments (at full decibel so she could hear) were just too exhausting so we spent Christmas watching TV at deafening noise and playing games shouting the rules out the 5000th time. Oh, and her telling me how terribly painful giving birth was - she had a schededuled cesaerian but seemingly loads of labour pain at the same time???

It sounds worse than it was but I am pleased to have my house back to myself since this morning. She's coming back for one night only for New Years Eve and I instructed my husband to ensure her hearing aid is fixed before. It is bad enough listening to the same story 20 times a day without having to shout.

Anyway, my labour bag is packed and nearly everything is bought for our baby. I only wait for my gro-egg room thermometer I bought on Ebay and want to order a mattress for the temporary cot we want her to sleep in in our room in the first 6 months. I can't finish the hospital bags for me and baby yet because our new washing machine will only be delivered later this week.

Baby's head is nicely down in my pelvis. She is as busy as ever. I still only wake up once at night to go to the bathroom and my back isn't too bad. My hips hurt though from the weight pushing on them when I sleep on the side. I don't seem to gain weight any more, but baby still seems to grow as expected so the midwife isn't worried.

Less than 4 weeks now. Next Friday I'll be full terms. I can't wait for her to arrive and just hope that she is healthy.

Right now I am using up any food that wasn't eaten over Christmas before it goes off, such as baking a banana bread with the overripe bananas and freezing left over red cabbage and quietly demolishing the box of Quality Street chocolate!

Just a short note

2010-12-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

You'd think I have more time to write now - I am on holiday since Monday and will only come back after maternity leave. But there is still so much to do and I quite enjoy putting my feet up and watching daytime TV for a little while in the moment!

Anyway, 5 1/2 weeks to go. I am getting alle excited and just hope that little one is well. I keep telling her that nothing else matters. If she is just healthy I know we can give her a good life. We are financially stable and very loving. I know I can teach her how to love life and enjoy it.

Right now I am sorting out christmas gifts, buy nursing bras, sort out the nursery, get hundreds of overdue repairs in the house done (including the heating), buy a new washing machine (it had to break down when I wanted to wash the baby clothes) and and and.

I'll tell you more about the last day at work and everything else later.

Getting tired of this

2010-11-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

2 more weeks at work. I am quite lucky that I don't get overly tired yet. It's less than 8 weeks until little one is due and less than 5 weeks until she is full term. I always thought that she'd be like her Mummy and come as late as possible. But I get more and more tha feeling that she might be late Daddy instead and is too impatient to wait all that long. So she might come early. But maybe that's just wishful thinking...

Anyway, at work there still hasn't been anyone recruited as maternity cover. We had one interview which could be described as a flop. So many things are meant to be sorted out before I go anyway and that is just getting ridiculous.

I do notice increasingly that my attention span is going down. I wake up once or twice a night which doesn't help, sleeping on weekends is not so easy (prenatal care course, first aid course, central heating breaking down just when we have the first snow and constant power cuts). Don't ask. And driving 45 minutes each way to work or back is doing my poor back no favours.

It seems a little bit as if everybody expects that I get the work of the next 3-4 months crammed into those 2 weeks because nobody has been recruited yet. I can't do that. I am trying my best, honest, but I could do with a little support here. I know everyone is extremely busy and I don't want to play the 'But I am pregnant' card. But that doesn't mean I can suddenly work double as hard - I always am an extremely hard and quick worker anyway. But being pregnant does slow you down a little bit, rather than turning into super woman. But me being me I start feeling guilty of not achieving more.

I can't wait for the next 2 weeks to be over. I thought I'd dread it. But right now I can't wait for it. There is still so much to do at home as well. I need more baby clothes, haven't bought any creams, baby medication and cotton wools yet, I don't have baby bedding and want to look into a proper mattress for the travel cot. The cupboards in the nursery need wiping out, the adult bed disassembling and removing, we need shelves in the hanging wardrobe and I have a few baby books I haven't even opened yet. I want to try again how to change the buggy and how to use the car seat and - honestly? - I am looking forward to some good old fashioned sleep.

8 1/2 working days left. I'm sure they'll go by. Somehow.

Feeling sorry for myself

2010-11-23T10:38:00.001-08:00

Maybe I am just hormonal and unreasonable. Saying so, I really don’t think I am. My husband and I are having an argument. Probably the worst we ever had. Not that I am sure he even has a clue how bad it is or what it is about… And that just makes it worse.

Let me start from the beginning….

My husband loves his work and if the word ‘work-a-holic’ wouldn’t exist yet it would have been invented for him. I contacted him about 7 pm via Skype to ask if I should cook for one or for two. He did not respond so after a while I switched the computer off and went to lie down on the couch. I feel quite exhausted after work these days. I had seen that he had put the washing out from the dryer and spread over the kitchen table, but I was tired and thought I’d do it later.

A while later – maybe half an hour – he called me and said that I should eat alone as he wanted to finish something. Fine, I’m used to that. I usually end up eating alone (she says trying not to sound full of self-pity). I asked if I should defrost some meat. He said no. I asked when he’d be home, about 8 or 8:30pm? He said yes, about 8 to 8:30. He was just in the office in the next village so it wasn’t far.
He sounded quite cheerful, just absorbed in his work as usually. He said his day was alright.

I cooked, ate in the living room as the chairs in the kitchen are very uncomfortable with my constantly sore back in the moment. Then I did my birth preparation hypnosis CD and just relaxed for a while which did my back the world of good. I watched some TV and about 9pm I called him to check where he is, if he was on his way. No response.

¼ to 10 I called again and he rejected the call. I realised that this meant that either he was speaking to someone more important than his wife or he was just down the road. It was the latter and about 10 to
10 he finally came in. He came into the living room and I said (only half jokingly) “Finally!” I mean, he was 1 ½ to 2 hours later than he said he’d be….

He turned around without saying anything and banged the door shut. I didn’t expect that and I don’t like arguments. I thought maybe something annoying had happened and he usually wants to talk if that’s the case. So I got up and followed him into his home office where he was busy to set up his computer to do some more work. Yes, you read correctly. At 10pm.

I asked him “What was that about. Why did you bang the door?” He answered that it just slipped out of his hand. Sorry, this door doesn’t do that. To bang it like he did you have to physically bang it close.

“Are you okay?” He said he was. I tried to give him a quick hug. After all, I wanted him to know that I’m not mad at him and he hadn’t even said hello yet. But he pushed me aside. Not physically you see, he just caught me at the shoulders and moved me out of the way in a “I don’t want you to touch me” way. He went to the kitchen.

Of course I had forgotten the socks. They didn’t need doing that day, by the way. I usually put them in the airing cupboard and do them when I feel less tired. But his face was just like “And she couldn’t even be bothered doing the socks. He started without comment putting them together, but he never matches the right socks up together. ” I thought it was not worth arguing about and said “Oh, leave it. I’ll do them. But you can’t expect me to do everything whenever you want to.”
“I don’t.” was his response before he walked out of the room to check his emails (I guess).

At this point I felt really emotional and tearful. Well, I started crying quite badly whilst doing the socks. I am a little hormonal in the moment even though I do the best for him not to notice. He is not very much into emotions and he is not good dealing with them so it is easier to keep him out of it whenever I can. At this moment in time I didn’t care. I cried and cried and cried. He came back, sorted himself some dinner. And still I cried. He didn’t say anything, didn’t hug me, didn’t apologise or kiss me. I finished the socks, went back to the living room without comment and – in protest – put the recorded ‘Coronation Street’ on which I hadn’t watched as I know he likes it (more than I do) and would want to watch it once he was home or next day. We usually watch it together whenever he has the time, which is why we record it. I am sure he watched it on the kitchen TV whilst eating (you can watch there whatever is on the main TV), but I resisted the temptation to delete the recording after I watched it just in case.

I then went through to the kitchen (it was after 11 pm by now) with my plate from earlier and he was just finishing his dishes. I washed my plate and he dried it. We didn’t speak. I turned around and went upstairs, put the socks and underwear I folded earlier away, got ready for bed. I watched TV for a little while in the hope that he’d come up and – if not apologise – at least give me a hug and come to bed. I read a few pages. ¼ to 12 I gave up. He wasn’t working. I heard him.
He just didn’t want to come through. Didn’t want to be with me.

I switched off the light and tried to sleep. But sleeping is quite difficult if you cry and go through tissue after tissue. A little after midnight he finally came in. He got ready for bed in the bathroom and came to bed. I pretended to be asleep, but he must have known I was awake. My nose kept running so I constantly got new tissues out and I still couldn’t stop crying.

I know you think I overreacted. But I felt so unloved. Unwanted. And scared. Not for me, but that he won’t change when the baby is here.
That the baby will hardly ever see her Daddy. That she will not believe that her Daddy loves her. I know he will love her. But will she if he prioritised work over everything???

At some point I fell asleep.

At some point this morning (it must have been about 4 am) I turned over and bumped into my husband. He said “Good morning, trouble.” He always calls me that, it’s like other people say ‘Darling’. But I wasn’t in the mood to be forgiving and accept that as an apology. I had slept awful and found his attitude in the evening rather unacceptable. I pretended to be asleep. I’m not even sure if he said it consciously as 2 seconds later he was deep asleep again.

This morning the alarm went off and I still felt resentful and hurt and tearful. I got up as I usually do. When I came out of the bathroom I know he was awake. He didn’t look at me though. I usually get dressed, then tell him to get up, give him a kiss and say good-bye.
This time I just couldn’t do it. I can’t remember the last time I felt so hurt. I know it is an extreme reaction, but surely it is a little bit understandable.

I got dressed in the light of the bathroom as always, then left. No kiss. No good-bye.

If he can come home without saying hello, I can go to work without saying bye.

I hate going to sleep without a cuddle so we both know everything is okay and we don’t take a grudge into the new day. And I never left the house without making up or at least letting him know that we can forget about what happened. This time I really need him to understand that he hurt me. I can’t be the one giving in again. I always am and he always makes out as if I just had a strop and he did nothing wrong.
I think he actually believes it.

But is it so hard to understand that I occasionally want to see my husband? Occasionally want to feel that I am more important than his work? I know he spent Saturday with me on the prenatal care course.
But he worked all Sunday as well. I don’t always want to feel second best to his work. I know that he loves his job. I knew this before I married him. I know times are tough and he needs to work hard. But a quick phone call? A quick hug or kiss. A quick ‘I love you’? I know we can afford things that my colleagues can’t because he works so hard. I know he is very proud of it and what he achieved. But I don’t care. I rather want him. I love him so much.

I cried most of the way to work in the car and needed to apply fresh make up before going in.

Part of the reason I was so upset that he came home so much later (without telling me) was that today and tomorrow he is out on business meals in the evening so if I see him before going to sleep it will be for 5 minutes if he comes home to get changed.

It is quite possible that the only conversations we have until Thursday evening is a ‘good morning’ tomorrow morning if I can get myself to give in. Unless he calls me which he sometimes does on his way home from work. I feel terrible about leaving things like this, but at the same time I don’t feel that I can do it differently. I even thought about if I answer the mobile tonight IF he calls. I probably will. He probably will pretend that everything is normal. I’ll probably play along and we’ll never talk about it again. I tried talking to him about it before and he doesn’t understand. If that happens all my tears over the past 24 hours were wasted. But if I don’t give in – I don’t know if he will. And to me, this situation hurts. He probably has all but forgotten about it by now.

75% there

2010-11-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

Time flies. I can't believe I am 30 weeks now. And at the same time it seems to take forever to finally be able to hold my baby. I know I am getting impatient and I know that's nonsense. I am 3/4 through this pregnancy and when I take the time trying for this little girl into account the remaining 10 weeks are no time at all.

4 weeks left at work and whilst I can't honestly say that I am too exhausted and hardly manage to get through my days as I heard from so many other pregnant women I have enough and want to stay at home. It feels kind off unreal - anything I start I know I won't be able to finish off. But it's not like when you are leaving a company as I want to come back to this - in a good year's time.

My little niece is gorgeous. She was tiny when she was born but has put on quite a bit of weight now.

Oh, last weekend I had a 3D scan. Did I write about this? I can't remember. It was amazing. I saw my little girl sticking our her tongue, rubbing her eyes, making a rude gesture (to my husbands sheer delight) and moving about in general. She looked so real. It made me emotional too, though. I want to finally hold her and be really sure that she is well. I want to comfort her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I tell her already, but I want to tell her to her face. I wanted this baby desperately, but I never even came close to imagine how much you can love an unborn. It shows me how incredible the love for my baby will be when I can hold her.

I am not sure if she is in the right position now. I don't think she is lying sideways anymore. At the scan she was diagonal with her head right side down. So I am hopeful. She is kicking very little, but moving about a lot and I don't know which organ you have just above the hip bones, but she is trying to move it and locate herself there...

Next week I have my bump to baby photoshoot. They asked me to bring 3 sets of clothes, but ideally with vibrant colours avoiding black and white. Yeah. Right. Most maternity clothes are black and white. So I went to mother care and bought 4 tops. My trousers are black but there is nothing I can do about that. I was lucky with Mothercare. They had an offer on with the 2nd top half price (which meant 2 tops were half price) and I just had joined their baby club and got another 5 Pound off. I had to spend much less than I though I might end up paying. I really wanted a dress but the all look like a tent. Not flattering at all. So I didn't.

Today was Sunday and I can't believe I slept the whole day off. I didn't even go swimming as I planned. Everytime I went to the couch I fell asleep. I am coping during the work week, but seem to need to catch up on the weekend. Maybe I can go swimming tomorrow after work.

Week 28 check

2010-11-05T13:18:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went back to the hospital for my week 28 check. I had to wait forever which was quite frustrating. It was a different consultant again (I am still waiting to meet someone of the medical profession twice - not sure it'll happen in this pregnancy...). He was okay.

He checked for the heartbeat but as usual my little one gets quite annoyed when someone intrudes into her space. And my belly belongs to her!!! So she kept squirming about and kicked the doppler so he couldn't hold the heartbeat long enough to measure it. But it sounded nice and strong. He also seemed to think that the head was finally down so she might have turned into the correct birthing position. Which would be about time...

Annoyingly they told me that I need a week 28 bloodtest which was very clever as I was 28+6 and the blood clinic closed 5 minutes after my appointment ended. I tried to run across the hospital but didn't make it in time... So I had to go back this morning, reschedule all my meetings, call my boss... But it's important as they check iron level and if I am aenemic. Not that I think I am but it needs to be checked at 28 weeks.

I am looking forward to tomorrow as I'll see my little one again. We go for the 3D scan. I think little princess is excited as well. She's been kicking all day as if there is tomorrow. Hopefully that proves that she turned head down.

My sister has a baby girl

2010-11-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday my sister had her baby. It was 2 days before the due date which is quite amazing for a first child.

The birth has woken many emotions in me:

Love and Tenderness:
I just want to hold and cuddle the little one.

Jealousy:
I know I am only less than 12 weeks away from having my little girl but I want her now. It's not fair. I tried for so much longer and still have to wait. I still sometimes forget that I am really pregnant and knowing that other people have babies hurts so much. I wonder if I'll ever get over this and believe that my nightmare is over. That I will be a mommy soon.

Loneliness:
I live several countries away from home. So I can't even go to see my little niece now. Flying is not really suitable in the last trimester... And seeing the photos with my family posing with the little one makes me cry because they won't be able to come when my girl is born. And my niece will only see me once a year at Christmas and probably never know me properly. And my daughter will never properly know her grandparents and aunt and cousin. It makes me feel desperately lonely.

And that's just the beginning. I can't even describe how I feel. I am so happy for my sister and grateful that she has a healthy baby. But I find it hard not to be selfish and think that I want it all for myself. I know I shouldn't be ungrateful. I have a lot to be grateful for. A wonderful husband. A good and stable family income. A beautiful house. A baby in my bump. But I guess sometimes I forget how hard infertility was for me. How much I struggled not to blame my husband and how much on a warpath I was with fate. I guess it is only natural that I feel emotional at times like this.

But I am truly happy for my sister, her husband and her beautiful little girl. I hope the little one will have a happy and healthy life. And I hope the same for my little one.

The size of a melon???

2010-10-28T11:00:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow I'll be 28 weeks and officially in the last trimester. This is also the date that the baby can survive and probably not carry major long-term disabilities if it would be born now. I can't believe I am this far. It took forever to get pregnant and now everything goes so quickly...

I just read that my baby is now the size of a melon. I remember the first scan when the baby was only a few mm big. It is amazing that she has grown so much!!! I never would have imagined how proud you can be of an unborn child. But she is doing so well!

Tomorrow we have a day off work and go away for a long weekend. I am looking forward to that. It will be our last holiday with just the 2 of us for a while!

Update

2010-10-24T07:24:00.001-07:00

For some reason I can load my blog entries in the moment, but can't publish them. So I just keep going until it works again. I think it's my computer. I am about to buy a new one as this one constantly crashes....

Some updates:

- My urine result: The GP didn't call so it seems that it was just a slight bladder infection and nothing serious.

- Mother in law: She's doing fine. She is badly bruised and has a new-found respect for her stairs and wine, but luckily no long-term harm was done.

- Husband: His reason why he didn't call back when I left the message about my 'not okay' urine test results? He accidentally deleted the message after the first few words which were "Baby is okay." and didn't realise that it continued with "but I might not be." Men! But once I told him later he was very caring and concerned and lovely.

- Maternity cover: Little miracle here. They realised that my project won't manage itself and that my growing belly and handed in maternity leave will actually mean that I am going. 7 weeks before I am off the recruitment of a cover has been approved. How we'll find someone this quickly I don't know, though.

- Maternity leave: I have received confirmation about my maternity leave now and will be off from 4th January 2011 (with holiday before from 10th December 2010) and return to work 3.1.2012.

- Birthday: We finally bought my gifts. My birthday was in August but we held off until we knew that the baby is fine. But now time got tight to do the actual booking. On 6th November we'll have a 4D scan with a DVD (has to be done before 34 weeks and I am 27 now!) and we also booked a voucher for a bump to baby photoshoot. Once that comes through I better book the photographer / studio.

Weekend at the A&E

2010-10-24T07:23:00.001-07:00

This last weekend wasn’t as relaxing as I thought which is why I
didn’t have time to upload last week blogs before now.

On Saturday we went out for a meal with my mother-in-law (79 years
old). She gets bored a lot since she is alone and we wanted to make
sure she gets out for a change. I was really tired though and had been
in an up-and-down mood (I call it rollercoaster-mood) all day. I don’t
get this a lot but it happens occasionally since I am pregnant (okay,
it started in fertility treatment). My husband promised we wouldn’t be
home late so I agreed. I even agreed to play chauffeur AGAIN, so he
could have a drink with his mother. She does enjoy her tipple when she
is out.

They shared a bottle of wine and got through it very quickly – it was
gone before the mains came. They discussed if they should have a
second bottle. I suggested they shouldn’t because she was already a
little bit better for worse but she really wanted and my husband
wanted to make sure she enjoys her night out as we hadn’t been with
her the weekend before. So they got another bottle. It’s not that she
wouldn’t have drunk this much before, but she drunk it very quickly.

After we got her home (needless to say, I point blank refused her
insistent comment that she’ll take the bus home) we decided to bring
her upstairs to bed. She was very unstable and the stairs are steep.
After some arguing we got her upstairs and she promised to go to the
toilet and then straight to bed. We told her we’d feed the cats and
lock the door behind us. We were just about to go when we heard this
terrifying bang. For some reason – we’ll never know why – she changed
her mind and decided to come down the stairs. She finds them hard when
sober, so I am not surprised she lost balance. She must have fallen
about 4 meter and head-first into the door I had closed at the bottom
of the stairs. Luckily it was closed, otherwise she would have gone
straight into the metal radiator. We started running and opened the
door and she fell to the floor. Lifeless. Blood everywhere. We thought
she broke her neck.

I run off to get the phone and call 999, my husband kneeled next to
her pleading with her to wake up. When I just came back she opened her
eyes. She didn’t know who we were or what happened. I did as they guys
on the phone told me, like getting a clean towel and pressing it hard
on the wound to see if the bleeding stops. I answered all their
questions whilst my husband talked to her and kept her awake. A few
minutes later the ambulance was there and all I had to do was hold her
hands, keep her calm and make her do as she was told by the team. My
husband sorted all her personalia out.

They didn’t think she had a neck or spine injury (which is a miracle
as her head smashed a big hole into the door – bigger than my hand)
but put her on a stretcher to carefully get her to hospital. As she
didn’t hold her head still they also tightened her head so she
couldn’t move it. I packed a quick hospital overnight bag (just
something comfortable to sleep in and a pair of slippers) and we
followed the ambulance to A&E. This was about 10pm. By the time she
had been seen to, x-rayed, examined, stitched up and was being brought
to a ward it was nearly 4am. I spent most of the time bending over her
in some way or form and holding her hands to comfort her and to stop
her from touching her wounds the nurse tried to stitch. In between,
when we went for tests or x-rays I did lie down in the relatives room,
comforted my husband (who blamed himself badly for the 2nd bottle of
wine they shared) or had some water.

When it was clear that she had no concussion, no broken bones, no neck
or spinal injury, just a few really bad cuts and a shock we went home.

I can’t believe how lucky she was. Not only that she is hardly injured
(although she is red / black from the tip of her nose all the way up
to her front and has bruises all over her body), but also that we
still were there. 2 minutes later we would have been gone and it would
have been nearly 24 hours until we really would have worried about not
getting hold of her and driven over. The sooner our annexe is built
and she can move in with us (all ground level for her) the better. She
scared the life out of me and it wasn’t exactly what I needed close to
my last trimester of pregnancy.

Sunday we picked her up from hospital where she already waited very
impatiently. She refused to stay any longer and wanted to go home and
sleep. She didn’t even want to wait until her medicine was ready.

So I left work early on Monday, went to get her medicine (I spent 1 ½
hours trying to trace it down!!! It’s the same hospital where I had
treatment and I accidentally ended up where I had my hysterosalpingram
for a moment. I left very quickly as I don’t have any good memories of
that procedure!!!!). Then I went to her, dropped off the medicine,
checked that she was okay and had a cuppa with her. I was exhausted
beyond belief by the time I got home. But at least I know she is well.
Well, as well as can be. She looks a sight.

But we have to be grateful that she still is alive and that she can
still walk. It could have ended very differently.

Why do men not think

2010-10-24T07:22:00.001-07:00

14th October

I’m trying not to have a go at my husband. He has been ever so good
through the whole agony of TTC, infertility, treatment and pregnancy.
I know I complain at times but I also know that he is doing his best
and that he must love me very much to be there for me as he is and to
share this journey with me.

But I was really annoyed yesterday. He had to go to London for work
and was away overnight. So I saw him last in the morning before I went
to the midwife. We agreed I’d let him know how it went. I asked if
he’d call me in the evening and he said he probably would (okay, to be
fair – he said “I might”, but he always says that when he means
“yes”).

I went to the midwife and met another midwife yet. My ‘normal’ midwife
whom I never met yet is still off ill and the ones I met last time who
came back from retirement was now to be replaced by a new one. They
were both there. The new midwife seemed quite inexperienced, she
didn’t know any of the forms I asked for such as Health in Pregnancy
Grand and MATB1 and didn’t know the computer system, the old midwife
even explained to her how to take my blood pressure. I wish I could
stay with the one who is really retired. It was the first of my 4 or 5
midwifes so far I felt really comfortable with. She was calm,
explained things plainly, was honest and no-nonsense. I felt as if I
truly was in safe hands and that’s what you want to feel like when you
are pregnant for the first time. Especially when you had a long and
painful journey to get there. She seemed like the kind of woman who I
could break down in tears with if I’d worry about something and she’d
just hold and soothe me until I felt better. Not that I intended to
that or felt that I had to, but it felt good to feel that I could.
Anyway, I am digressing. I am sure the new one will learn quickly. And
maybe, just maybe the ‘real’ one will stay off ill until my baby is
born so I don’t have to change again…

Back to my story. They checked my blood pressure which was fine. They
checked the baby’s heartbeat. That took a few attempts because the
baby kept kicking the Doppler away before she could get measurements!
But that’s fine, too. She measured my belly which was 26cm and
therefore roughly 1cm too big, which is fine. If it’d be 2 cm too big
they’d need to look into it. She felt the baby and confirmed my
suspicions that it now is positioned sideways (transverse) rather than
breach and she said that she still has enough time to turn fully and
that this would be the reason for my bad back in the past week. There
was a problem with my urine sample though (which is getting rather
hard to retrieve by the way if you can’t see past your belly anymore).
It was some protein and leukocytes (not sure how to spell this – it’s
some kind of bacteria) in it. So they had to send this to the lab.

The (old) midwife explained that it is probably just borderline and no
reason for concern. She did seem surprised though to find them…
Basically this could be nothing and clear itself – if the values are
very low I won’t hear anything. Or they might call me and prescribe
some antibiotics if the values are too high which could be just a
urinary tract (bladder) infection or the beginning of preeclampsia -
I’m not too keen on this as I don’t even take headache pills in order
to put as little chemicals on the little one as possible. But if it
needs treatment it’s too much of a risk not to clear it as it would
get worse. Or, if the values are really high it could be the beginning
of pre-eclampsia in which case I’d be off ill from work for a while (I
can’t! Not yet! We don’t have a maternity cover yet and I am at a peak
phase of my project!) and take antibiotics. Pre-eclampsia is a serious
condition and can lead to real health problems and pre-mature birth.
As I already suffer badly from gum bleeding (I sometimes wake up in
the morning with blood on my front teeth, so bad is it) which I have
been seeing my dentist about, but which also is a known risk factor
for premature birth, this worries me.

They did say that most likely it is absolutely nothing – in which case
I won’t get a phone call. Especially as my blood pressure was fine, I
have no increased vaginal discharge, swollen hand or feet, sever
headaches or sickness which can be side effects (but don’t have to).
But you can imagine that I don’t leave my mobile out of my sight in
the moment just in case.

Anyway, I left my husband a message on his mobile after the midwife
explaining that the baby was fine, but that there were problems with
my urine sample which were sent to the lab. I said it was probably
nothing, but it also could be a serious issue, so I’ll have to wait
for the call. I said ‘I’ll speak to you tonight.’ I know he went into
a meeting at 10am and this was 5 minutes before so he probably didn’t
get the message before his meeting. He came home a few minutes after
me in the evening, but he had a colleague in tow and was just picking
up some papers on the way to London, so of course we couldn’t talk. I
went to bed reasonably early but took my mobile with me and stayed
awake until 11:30pm (this must be a new pregnancy record for me)
waiting for his call. I didn’t want to call him as he might have still
been in a restaurant or with colleagues. But he never rang.

I thought he might call me this morning which he sometimes does if he
isn’t able to call in the evening when he has to stay away so I
delayed getting up and left later for work than usual. He didn’t ring.

So the earliest I’ll speak to him now will be tonight – probably not
before 8pm. I would have thought that he’d at least call me for 5
minutes to make sure I’m okay and to find out more about the results…

I know exactly what his ‘reasoning’ will be and don’t say that’s
sensible, because I don’t want to hear it…. ‘By the time I was in
London it was at least 10pm and we went straight for a meal before the
hotel restaurant closed. By the time I was back in the room it was
11pm and you always sleep before then nowadays so I didn’t want to
wake you up. This morning I only got up after you’d leave home. And
anyway you said the results were probably no cause to worry and that
there is nothing we can do apart from hoping that there won’t be a
phone call from the doctor surgery. So there was nothing I could have
done anyway.’

True. But just a phone call could be so reassuring.

Midwife and maternity cover

2010-10-24T07:21:00.001-07:00

13th October

I’ve been to the midwife and the baby is fine, but my urine samples
weren’t. They went to the lab now. More about that later.

I had another chat with my boss about the maternity cover. A colleague
volunteered to take my project on temporarily until a longer-term
solution could be found as long as the day-to-day can sit somewhere
else. It might be an option, but she would have a lot to learn in a
short time and I don’t know how she would be able to do this in
parallel to her work. But I am grateful for the offer. My boss has now
also accepted my invite to discuss my handover plan (or in other words
– who do you want me to teach what) on Friday.

He said that he really struggles getting approval for my replacement.
It is ridiculous. Allegedly the project I run is one of the top
priorities for 2010 / 2011 for the business, but not important enough
to recruit someone to manage it whilst I am away? I know we have a
recruitment ban, but really…

He also asked me – after explaining 10 times that I really don’t need
to answer if I don’t want to and that it is completely confidential –
if I plan to come back after the year or if I want to stay home for a
while, so he can plan ahead. My job will change once the project has
been implemented anyway so it will give his plead for a maternity
cover a different angle depending on if there should be a job for me
to return to or not... I said that I am very sure that I’ll come back
and he seemed relieved. I really hope there will be a job as well…
Truth is that it played on my mind to stay at home after the baby. Or
to work as a freelancer from home. It would mean cutting back a little
but my husband earns enough to make it a feasible option. But I also
know that I’m likely to get bored and my husband really wants me to go
back to work and ‘stay independent’. And I worked hard to get to where
I am and it feels wrong to just end my career completely. I know I am
good in my job. And I know I always thought that my mother (who stayed
at home) was far too dependent on my father. I don’t want my girl to
think that. My secret fantasy is to come back for 3 full days a week.
It sounds like a good compromise between child and career.

Anyway, he’ll try again to get it approved. Maybe I find out more on
Friday, even though I doubt it. The news that I’ll only be here for
another 8 weeks seems to have put him a little more into action. I
started to worry that he was hoping the ‘problem’ would just go away.
I don’t know how much he pushed behind the scenes, but it was just a
feeling that he gave up after the first “no”.

Even if they get approval now I don’t think they’d get someone in
time. Let’s say approval 1 week; getting the agency briefed 1 week;
getting candidates 1 week; interviewing 2 weeks; approval and decision
1 week; notice period 4 weeks – well, that would be if things go
quickly which is unlikely as we need a specialist…. Even if the right
candidate would currently be unemployed that would only leave me with
2 weeks training which are likely already filled with workshops.

Football

2010-10-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

12th October

My husband and I went to the football last night. It was a game my
dearest really fancied and it was only 10 minutes from home, so I
hoped that my back wouldn’t kill me too badly.

I’m not sure if the little one liked it or not. She is really meant to
react to sound now so I was surprised how quiet she was when we
arrived. There were crowds, drums, singing. But either she completely
slept through it (in which case she’ll be a deep sleeper like her
Mummy) or she is a shy little girl who was quite intimidated by the
noise and didn’t dare to move. I held my stomach quite protectively
(so my husband says) and kept “stroking” her, just in case that she
was scared.

She certainly perked up later though. There was a lot of drum playing
and for about 10 minutes she tried to keep up with the rhythm…. Kick.
Box. Kick. Box. Kick. Box. I tell you, my stomach started hurting. I
am surprised I don’t have stiff stomach muscles today… At half-time
(and longer) I had to queue forever for our hot drinks and I think the
standing and slow moving lulled her to sleep again for a while.

Unfortunately unborn babies give you very little clues if they kick
because they like something, because they don’t like something or if
they couldn’t care less and just feel like moving around….

Right now she is moving big time. Either she is doing somersaults just
for fun or she is trying to get into the head-down position. I surely
hope it is the latter. It would be about time.

One thing she definitively doesn’t like? If I lean forward. It
obviously takes some space away from her and she kicks really hard
until I lean back again. The problem is that my desk at work is not
really comfortable and in order to be more comfortable and release my
back pain I need to lean forward. So we have a little battle going on
if baby needs to be more comfortable or Mummy. Little one usually
wins. Maybe I could get more comfortable if I had had the risk
assessment which is company obligation and my boss never arranged for
(even though I reminded him many times). They would adjust my chair
and make sure that my seating position is suitable for a problem
woman. I guess using some old cardboard boxes as footrest wouldn’t
count as acceptable neither but we have a purchasing stop in the
moment (&#!?% recession) and I won’t be authorised a proper one and
without putting my feet up the pain in my back gets worse. With a risk
assessment they might have to authorise it.

Anyway, I can’t wait for being off now. Still just over 8 weeks
though. I have 6 more days holiday left I haven’t booked, but I doubt
that it’ll get authorised. The conversation with my boss last week was
a bit like

He: “I’ll pay them out.”
Me: “Or i can take them as odd days.”
He: “I’ll pay them out.”
Me: “Or i can take them as odd days.”
He: “I’ll pay them out.”
Me: “Or i can take them as odd days.”

We left it at that.

When he saw the copy of my maternity plan I had put on his desk (I had
handed it in on Monday) he said we’ll need to talk about this. Not
sure what that means. Leaving 3 weeks before the due date is not
unreasonable… And he already approved the 3 weeks before as holiday.
Well, I’ll see what he has to say.

I am so emotional today. And my back really hurts.

9 weeks until I stop working

2010-10-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

11th October 2010

Still 9 weeks at work. That doesn’t sound long.

But just read this one: Still 14 ½ weeks until the baby is due.

Or what about this: In 11 ½ weeks my baby would be classed term and
could be born (week 37)

Do I start to get nervous? No, it’s okay actually. I am just starting
to get really excited. 40 weeks of pregnancy sounds like such a long
time. I guess I should have been aware of how quickly it all passes.

• The first 2 weeks were IVF treatment
• The next 2 weeks desperate waiting

Those 4 weeks felt really long.

• Then 8 weeks of living from day-to-day, check-up to check-up and
hoping that the baby will stick.

That was an incredibly long time.

Suddenly you are in the 2nd trimester which is marked by

• Waiting for the 12 week scan (which might take place later than week
12) and any tests you might have (e.g. Downs syndrome)
• Telling family, friends and colleagues
• Waiting for your mid-pregnancy scan around week 20
• Waiting for week 25 when the baby is legally viable and could
survive outside of your womb if it would be born early

Now I have to

• Wait just under 3 more weeks until I am in my third trimester (week 28)
• Then wait 6 weeks until I finish work
• Then wait 3 weeks until I am term
• Then wait 3 weeks until my due date.
• Then wait a maximum of 1 weeks until I would be induced if Little
One does not come voluntarily

And that’s it. Then I am a Mummy and hopefully my little princess is well.

Pregnancy is broken down in so many milestones that it feels as if
time is flying by. Especially when you think how massive an impact it
will have on your life. Everything will change. And there is so much
to sort out in between, such as buying all the baby things (and
figuring out what you need) or decorating the nursery or deciding on a
name or reading about what happens during pregnancy or once the baby
is born and what you need to do.

I shouldn’t be surprised how quickly the 40 weeks felt. After trying
something stupid like 104 weeks to get pregnant in the first place, 40
weeks will always fly by.

Every morning I now wake up touching my belly and smiling. And shortly
after my princess wakes up and starts twisting and kicking, which
makes me smile even more. Of course I worry.

E.g.

• I am sure she is meant to react to sound now but I don’t think she is OR
• I still can’t really work the fetal Doppler to pick up her heartbeat
on a regular basis and from week 25 it theoretically is possible for
the partner to hear the heartbeat by pressing and ear to the belly and
my husband didn’t succeed (saying so, he is even more useless than me
in locating it. He started listening just below the breast and went
down in big steps to my pubic bone…) OR
• What if she isn’t well OR
• I think she still hasn’t turned head down and we are soon running
out of time and I’d really prefer a natural birth to a caesarean OR
• What if I don’t know what to do with her and how to look after her
once she is born OR
• What if I can’t breastfeed her OR
• …

Well, you get the picture. But I guess every mom-to-be has similar
fears and emotions. And above all I am excited that I won’t have to
wait too much longer for her arrival.

I always expected that my husband would find pregnancy strange and
difficult to get involved. He is not really a baby person. Yet! J But
somehow I am sure that our little princess will wrap him around his
little finger the moment she is born and at the latest when she starts
crawling about he won’t be able to take his eyes of her.

But because I know that he is a little scared of the changes and of
‘being a father’ I tried my best to involve him in this pregnancy. I
occasionally motivate him to feel the baby kicking (first time I had
to physically hold his hand down as he felt so awkward!) and to listen
to the heartbeat and talk to the baby. He was quite hesitant in the
beginning and still only touches the belly when I suggest it (I don’t
have to ask twice, though). But when I lie in bed and move the blanket
down so my stretch mark cream can dry he is quite fascinated by
watching my belly popping up left right and centre! And when in the
beginning he laughed when I talked to my little princess and felt very
awkward when I asked him to say hello to her, we had several
conversations with her over the dinner table when I said something to
her and he continued the conversation with the little one (of course
she doesn’t answer yet!)

I am really impressed at how well he is adjusting. On days like this I
know why I love him. So much.

Not long now and we are three.

25 weeks pregnant

2010-10-07T12:50:00.001-07:00

It starts getting really real now. Tomorrow I’ll be 25 weeks pregnant
and this means that my baby is legally viable, i.e. if she’d be born
today she’d have a chance to survive with medical care. Of course I am
hoping that she stays where she is for quite a few weeks more. After
all we want her to be a healthy strong baby and not having to go
through the trauma of early intensive care.

From week 28 I will be in the last trimester. It still feels unreal.
There were times were I no longer believed that I’d ever be pregnant
and now I am more than 6 months pregnant and soon in my last
trimester.

The last few days my baby had been very quiet. She hardly moved (or at
least I didn’t feel it) and if she did it was like a tentative “are
you there, mummy” knock rather than her usual full kicks and turns. I
started getting really nervous (I really hope I won’t turn into one of
those overly worrying and nervous mums). But yesterday my little
darling got bored of sleeping and at times I felt as if she was trying
to kick a whole into my stomach. I feel much better when she does that
even though her timing wasn’t great as I was heading up an important
meeting all day and found it hard to concentrate on what I was saying.

At the same time as her becoming more active again, my appetite is
increasing again. I wasn’t extremely hungry for the last few days
(still hungry enough to not cope without breakfast, but not as
starving hungry as before when I needed food every half an hour).
Well, that has changed again and at 11:30 am I had 2 breakfasts and am
start starting on some fruit. My mind is focused on the sausages,
cheesy potato mash and glazed carrots I’ll have for lunch and I caught
myself checking out the dessert menu in the canteen. So I suspect she
has a growth spurt.

It’s a good thing that I was so small before pregnancy though. I am
62.3 kg now which means I have gained about 8kg (16 pound). That seems
to be pretty much on target. I am sure they say you can expect to gain
1 pound every week now until birth, which would be another 15 pound,
i.e. I’d put on a total of just over 15 kg on (total would be 69.5kg).
My ideal weight for my height is between 53kg and 70 kg so even if I
wouldn’t lose any weight after birth (and I doubt that very much) I’d
still be in a healthy weight range. A friend of mine put on 20kg in
pregnancy and whilst she was not overweight before she wasn’t slim
neither. She really struggles losing the weight now.

I guess my strategy to eat loads of fruit when I need a snack works
quite well. It is healthier for me and baby, keeps the weight under
control and apart from the occasional problem I haven’t suffered from
constipation as so many people I know did in pregnancy.

My sister is due in about 4 weeks and she really struggles sleeping
now. She had issues with constipation and frequent nightly visits to
the toilet for many weeks and months (pretty much since she was in the
2nd trimester) and has frequent Braxton Hicks in the moment. So far I
don’t seem to suffer the same fate. That might still change of course
but the longer I can avoid this, the better.

I started swimming now as well. At least once a week, but I try twice
a week. It is quite pleasant as I feel so light!!! Not sure if the
baby likes it though – she goes very quiet when I start swimming, even
though the water is a sensible temperature. I still try to my Pilates,
but I find it more exhausting than I expected. But at least I do
stretching exercises every evening which seems to help reducing the
occurrence of leg cramps at night.

Something else seems to start now that I am nearly 25 weeks. People
started grabbing my belly. Admittedly, it is rather massive, but I am
still not so keen on people who I hardly now pushing their hand on my
stomach. I think baby doesn’t like it either because she refuses to
kick when this happens. She kicks for me and her Daddy, but not for
strangers. She doesn’t even do it for her grandmother who would love
to feel her moving.

At work we still haven’t got sign off for a maternity cover. It is
starting to get to me. I am working so hard on my project and try to
push all the deadlines to get the project to a sensible handover stage
before I go. I have enough holidays left to stay home from the 2nd
December, that’s 8 weeks from today. I know they won’t sign that off.
But the latest I am prepared to move to is the 10th December which
gives them another week (6 weeks before I am due). But 9 weeks isn’t a
long time to start recruiting, find a good candidate (it’s quite a
specialist field I am working in), get them started and trained. And I
then still have 6 working days left to take throughout November. I am
getting increasingly frustrated because I kind off hold off booking my
holidays. I really want to be there training someone as my project
means too much for me to just let it go down the drain. But I also
need to think of my health and well-being.

Next week (25 weeks pregnant) I need to hand in my maternity leave
plan. I really want at least some of the holiday signed off before I
do that. I know the company is keen on paying my holiday out, but I
think I would be much better off taking the time. So I am planning to
get the time from the 10th December signed off tomorrow (or at least
try to) and say that I hold off with the remaining 6 days for a little
longer in the hope that we have some more clarity. Wednesday I need
to get my MATB1 from my midwife, so I should then be able to hand it
in on Wednesday or Thursday with my maternity plan. Maybe that will
then get them moving a little bit quicker.

A few days ago I was in tears about it in the evening. I work so hard,
trying to get it all done and still do loads of overtime even though
on some days I struggle driving home my 40 minutes because I am so
tired and go to bed at 8pm. I am being told that it is one of key
projects for the company and so important. But still they seem to
ignore that the solution I develop won’t implement itself. It will be
ready for implementation unless I get any pregnancy issues but you’ll
still need a full time project manager at hand. And there is nobody
with the right skill within the company once I am gone. I know they’d
prefer me not being pregnant (a sentiment I certainly don’t share),
but they seem to be in denial, hoping that my pregnancy just goes away
if they don’t do anything about it. Well, it won’t.

I do struggle concentrating today. It is a bit better since I had (a
massive) lunch. But still. I have nothing tangible to do, only
thinking stuff and my brain just won’t go into gear for that. So I am
counting down the last 3 hours until I can go.

I listened to my natal hypnotherapy “Pregnancy relaxation” CD
yesterday (it came through in the post yesterday) and found it really
relaxing (apart from when my computer crashed half way through… I
downloaded it to my IPOD now). I am trying to get the “Effective birth
preparation” one from Ebay as well, but so far it went over what I am
prepared to spend. I am only meant to start that in week 37 anyway, so
I have a little time left until I need to increase my budget. I don’t
know if hypnosis / hypnotherapy helps against pregnancy pain and birth
pain. I don’t know if it helps with IVF treatment neither. But I found
it relaxing and comforting throughout IVF so I don’t think I have
anything to lose with trying it again. Second hand they are not all
that expensive.

I still haven’t quite decided yet what I want to do about the changing
table. They are ridiculously expensive and so many people say you
don’t really need them. But others say you can’t do without them. We
have the space and I need some drawers anyway. So I am tempted to get
a drawer cabinet with removable changing top. I looked at the new
foldable changing table from IKEA (only online) but reviews say it
isn’t too stable and only for very little ones.

I’m also looking at one of those travel cots with bassinet as we could
use this as playpen later and as night sleeping place in our room
early on. It also has a changer to attach for night time changing.
Thinking about it, maybe one of those cot top changers would be the
best with a cot organiser for the diapers etc.

So much to think about, so much to decide!!!

Thank you for inventing IVF

2010-10-04T10:54:00.001-07:00

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11465715

Without him I wouldn't be getting ready for being a mummy today.

Thank you Professor Robert Edwards.

About fetal dopplers

2010-10-04T10:34:00.001-07:00

When I was in my first trimester I read somewhere that fetal dopplers
can be reassuring. Some can identify the baby’s heartbeat from as
early as 12 weeks with some pregnant woman stating they could find the
hearrbeat from week 8. The principle is simple: you put some gel or
water on a mini ultrasound machine, press it on your stomach, find the
position where your babies heartbeat is and little to its little hear
beating along at aproximately 160 beats per minute.

Well, if you followed my blog for a while you’ll know how terrified I
was of losing my baby and specifically of have a missed miscarriage,
i.e. not even knowing that the baby died. So of course I went on Ebay
and bought myself a Doppler.

What I didn’t consider was that I had no idea (and couldn’t find any
advice) on how to find the babies heartbeat. The bay is somewhere
between the pubic bone and the uterus… Okay, so somewhere in my belly
– I kind off guessed that. But I couldn’t find the heartbeat for a
long time. I started getting really worried, but the ultrasound came
and went and was well. THEY found the heartbeat. In week 21 I had a
midwife appointment and she used her Fetal Doppler to listen to the
heartbeat. I remembered where she found the heart and tried it at
home. There is was – loud and clear. The machine works, I just don’t
know how to use it properly.

On Saturday (24 weeks now) the baby was very quiet. I thought I
reassure myself by listening to its heartbeat again. I tried the same
spot as before, but these babies are not exactly know for holding
still. She will have grown a lot since then and I also hope that she
might have given up her breach position and is positioned head down.
So the heart could be anywhere by now. I tried, and tried, but I
couldn’t find it. I was really worried because she was so unusually
quiet and I couldn’t find a heart! I kept telling myself that I would
have felt if she had a problem, had some cramps or bleeding…

After a while I decided to have a little chat with her “Hello little
princess. Can you move around a little bit, please? Mummy is worried
because she can’t feel you.” Good little girl that my princess is, she
gave a few quick kicks and then went back to sleep. I felt
indefinitively better. Since then she’s been busy kicking about again
and I am no longer worried.

The Fetal Doppler? I’d love it to work for me, but it doesn’t. I just
am not knowledgeable or intuitive enough to find the little heart or
to know where exactly the baby positioned itself. Therefore it worries
me more than it helps me and I’ll try to stay away from trying it
again. Until next time I try it at least.

TMI

2010-10-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this blog entry a couple of weeks ago, just after my appointment with the new consultant. I never got around to load it, so here it goes, slightly delayed...

I was terrified yesterday. But let’s start at the beginning.

I recently moved which means I had to change midwife and hospital.
That was always going to be a pain, but to be honest, once I managed
to get into the new GP it all went as smoothly as it could. I had my
last midwife appointment with the old midwife on the day we moved.
Then it took me several weeks to get seen to and booked in at the new
GP. The nurse who did the examination then arranged for a widwife
appointment with the new midwife. She filled in all the forms to
transfer me to the local hospital, re-did my free NHS subscription
application (as I never received the card first time I applied) and
told me to still go to my scan at the old hospital.

Earlier this week I then received a letter from the new hospital to
attend an appointment on Thursday (yesterday) for a scan and meeting
with the new consultant. It takes me an hour from work to the hospital
so I luckily managed to move the appointment from 1:40pm to 4pm. The
appointment is necessary as I have a consultant led care (due to IVF)
rather than midwife led. But it’s still a pain. I had so many doctor
appointments this month and have so much to do at work and they still
haven’t sorted out my maternity cover.

Anyway, I worked through lunch and ate at my desk to make up for the
time I’d lose again. I found the hospital quite easily and after a
while managed to ‘bully’ the stupid cow in the carpark out of the way
who thought it was clever to block the drive to the few free spaces to
have a good old chat on the phone. I was in half an hour before my
appointment. They sent me through to the scan department who said ‘You
are hours late! Not sure we can still see you now! You might have to
come back another time.” I very patiently explained that I actually
called and was given a 4pm appointment so I was actually early…. To be
fair, they didn’t fuss and said that it hadn’t been passed on to them
but would be okay in that case. A few minutes later they asked if I
had a mid-pregnancy scan in the old hospital and I confirmed. Then
they took my maternity notes to the consultant who said I wouldn’t
need another scan. But I was told to wait and see the consultant.

After a long wait (over an hour) I finally saw the consultant (and a
trainee and a midwife). They were very nice. They went through my
notes. They check my urine sample (I am getting quite good in peeing
in those tiny pots) and took my blood pressure. They felt and measured
my stomach. It was 23 cm which is great as I was 1 day off 23 weeks,
so right on target. Then they listened to my baby’s heartbeat which
was strong and clear. She said it was already very regular for the
stage. Whilst I felt a bit as if I wasted my time I really could have
done with at work (I only had all those tests done a week before after
all), it’s always good to know and have confirmation that the little
one is well.

Then I left again. Realising I was about to run out of petrol I filled
the car and bought some lemonade in the shops. By the time I was home
it was nearly 7pm and I was utterly exhausted, which probably is a key
reason why I felt as I did later in the day. I just can’t do this any
more. I get tired and exhausted and need to take things quieter.

Anyway, husband and I had dinner and towards the end of the meal I
started having stomach pain. I have this sometimes since being
pregnant. It usually is trapped wind or a little bit constipation.
Luckily I don’t seem to suffer with this as much as some others. I
went to the bathroom and the pain got worse by the minute. I was
doubling up (as far as my belly allowed) and was in agony. After what
seemed a lifetime I passed some wind and thought that would be better
now. But it still got more painful. After what felt like hours I
started having the worst diarrhea ever. One minute I was doubling up
in agony, the next I had to flush the toilet again and the third I was
vomiting. It just wouldn’t end. I was constipated and when I managed
to release it came out as diarrhea. I was so worried about harming the
little one.

Then I wiped (sorry, this is really getting TMI – TOO MUCH
INFORMATION) and there was blood on the toilet paper. Not a lot, just
about the size of a penny piece. I started crying in pain and fear. I
was terrified of pushing any more and had visions of giving birth to a
premature baby on the toilet (I know, I overreacted – but I am still a
little bit emotional and terrified of harming the baby I want so
much). I kept shouting for my husband who was in the kitchen with the
music on full volume and didn’t hear me.

I lay down on the floor in the toilet and tried breathing
systematically to cope with the pain, then I went back on the toilet.
By this time I had massive lower back pain and knowing that lower back
pain, severe cramps and diarrhea can be a sign of labour I was
terrified beyond belief and kept checking for more blood. Luckily
none.

At some point I felt well enough to go to the kitchen and get me some
water (as my husband still hadn’t heard me shouting). He said “You’ve
been for hours.” I don’t complain. He didn’t know. But it was hard to
be patient the way I felt. I said “Yes, I am in f****ing agony.”
Slammed the door and went back to the toilet. Bless him, he realised
that I didn’t just have wind. He came to the toilet, asked if I am
okay on toilet paper and if there was anything he could do. A few
minutes later I came out, feeling exhausted and in pain, but no longer
having cramps. I explained to my husband what had happened. I had
calmed down by now and rationally explained that the blood was so
little and probably from the strain so wouldn’t be a cause for worry.
I told him that I’d go straight to bed and could he please check on me
in half an hour to make sure I was okay. I also told me (taking any
accusation I might have felt out of my voice) that his wife is
pregnant. Nearly heavily pregnant. If I go to the bathroom in pain, he
might want to make sure that he is in shouting distance in case I need
help. And if I don’t come out for over ½ hour he might just want to
check that I am okay.

He checked on me half an hour later. I still felt sore and exhausted,
but haven’t had any more bouts of diarrhea or any blood. I was just
lying on the recommended left side position apologies to my princess
about the upheaval caused in my stomach and praying that she was okay.
She kicked me very gently a few times to tell her Mummy that she is
okay, for which I was grateful.

At some point I fell asleep. About midnight my husband came up. I woke
up but not fully enough to open my eyes. He was ever so good. He
didn’t switch on the light, even used the bathroom in the dark so the
vent wouldn’t go on. He covered me up with my duvet. I remember
thinking that at moments like this I love him so much. He can be so
caring if he wants to be. Anyway, I went straight back to sleep.

I woke up throughout the night because I was sweating like crazy. I
don’t normally sweat a lot, so I think I must have had a fever. My
nursing pillow which I use to help me sleeping was soaked through and
through so I removed it from the bed. I was worried that I had broken
my water or peed myself (you never know in pregnancy) but I was soaked
through from face to toes, so it was just sweat. Thank God for that. I
went to the toilet (no blood, no diarrhea, just wee), washed the sweat
off and changed my nightgown.

This morning I was luckily well. I still feel a little sore but I seem
to have got rid of whatever this was. Baby is a little more subdued
today, but is kicking and turning regularly enough to not be a cause
of worry. I am tired though. I made it to work – I felt guilty already
about having been off so many hours again yesterday. But I am tired.
And feel cold. I can’t wait for it being 5pm and I can go home again.
If I get sick or diarrhea again to day I’ll go to the hospital to
avoid any risks. But I think it is just a bug (loads of people are ill
at work in the moment even though not with these symptoms) so
hopefully I am on the road of recovery and it has nothing to do with
the little princess inside me.

Still, it was scary. Baby is kicking. I think she agrees.