A Survivors Guide To Motherhood

Goodbye Innocence, Hello Spandex

2013-08-26T13:18:00.002-07:00

I do not have cable and have not had cable for many years. Watching the clips from this years VMA's, I am over-the-moon glad that we made that decision so many years ago. Because she does not channel surf, my daughter's role models do not come from TV. She hand picks what she watches, instead of just flipping channels and settling on junk. Which means that as those teens have grown up and tried to shed the skin of innocence and be seen as grown ups - I have not had to fear that my daughter would follow suit. It is with a sigh of relief that I watched those VMA clips of Miley Cyrus in her spandex undies and flipped through the online pictures of Selena Gomez in a bustier (no one would even question her dress if she were 30, by the way) and the long line of other young actresses showing just how grown up they've become while their fans are still in training bras.

The mother part of me is aghast that young actresses would dress, act and perform this way - Miley, Britney, to name a few. But the girl part of me says, "hey - they just want to be seen as something beyond a Mousekeeter." I don't blame them for wanting to grown up. Annette Funicello did and was a lot of things - but when we remember her, we remember the Mousekeeter. Is that so bad though? Is being remembered for your innocence worse then being remembered for dancing around in your underwear, grinding on a man old enough to be your father while he sings a "rapey" song? Apparently for some girls the mouse ears must be discarded at all costs.....even if that means she must cross some "Blurred Lines." (oh yeah - I went there.)

I feel sorry for girls whose only choice is to follow female role models who aren't old enough or strong enough to make wise choices yet. By the time those impressionable girls realize that the strength of a woman does not begin and end with her vagina, it might be too late. Although our va-jay-jay is very much a part of our strength, it is not and should never be, the sum total of what makes us strong and sexy. Female strength comes from many things, intelligence, courage, morality, and the ability to be humbly aware of our power as women - to respect that power. How will young girls learn that that power doesn't come from their crotch - it comes from their heart, it comes from their convictions and their choices?

JK Rowling (she's famous and I've never seen her in her underwear) taught us, "It is our choices that define us....not our abilities." Make good choices, girls......make good choices.

Why Do the Days Move So Quickly?

2013-01-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

When we were young (pre-children) it felt like a week took forever to go by. Going to work was something we did to pay for rent and booze and because that's what "grown ups" do in between weekends of drinking with our friends. But our REAL lives took place from Friday at 5pm to Sunday at midnight. And months? Years? That's forever from now! Planning ahead was spending enough of my meager paycheck on food before it went to beer and pizza. I'm still shocked that I could live off of peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwiches for weeks at a time. Incidentally, my hips are not shocked - they have fond memories of delicious fluffernutter sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But now - now that I'm a GROWN UP (no laughing), it feels like the days just fly by. And it's all the stupid little things that make them go so fast - it's not even the good things. Forgot to take the books back to the library - again - woosh, 3 days went by. Keep meaning to make a check up appointment with the dentist - woosh - that was two weeks ago. Cook that steak that's in the freezer before it goes wonky - woosh - IS that steak? I can't see through the ice on it.

How did life speed up on me? Is it just me? Am I so disorganized that everyone else is running by while I'm still trying to find my left sneaker? I look at all these "this is how you get organized" websites and I just groan and grit my teeth. Who does that crap?? Who are these Martha Stewart fembots who seriously make a magnet reminder and chore board complete with backpack hook and personalized wall art for each child?? Are they on meth? Ritalin? Free-basing Starbucks?

Admit it - some of you pinned that and commented, "Totally doing this!" No. No you're not. You're not going to ever do that because you don't have time, no one has time. And if you miracled up some time somewhere (6 Starbucks and a hot glue gun later) it would only look like the pretty picture for the first day and then your kids would pile their crap under it and the magnet boards would either be empty (see bottom of backpack for important school notes that you missed) or so crowded with stuff that you forgot to go to, turn in, fill out or sign up for that you'd never see any chores that you would forget you gave to your kids after the first week anyway. Hey - we live in this insane, disorganized place, it's called REALITY. It's fine - no one really needs a backpack hook anyway. That's what doorknobs are for.

I mean, I'm pretty crafty. And I can costume like nobody's business. But my husband would say I'm a trash collector who occasionally makes something useful out of the pre-used piles of "someday projects" that fill my totes, closets, shelves and garage. In fact, he told me that I was grounded from Pinterest. Enh - what he doesn't know won't hurt him! And I'm pretty sure that he really wants a CD holder made from old flower pots or coffee cans or something.....now if I could just find an hour to MAKE it. Once again tho - IF I did make it, I would be so proud and we'd use it for a week then it would collect odds and ends from our disorganized lives and become trash again.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah - time. Darn Pinterest making me swerve to a crafting topic - see! Never enough time to finish anything.

Feel free to follow me on Pinterest though!

BOYCOTT BLACK THANKSGIVING!

2012-11-13T10:00:00.001-08:00

I am obviously not the quintessential 50's housewife. Quite the furthest thing, actually. BUT there are a lot of moral high roads that we bypass since "old fashioned" became the road not taken. One of those should be drawn back on our map.

Since the Great Recession started, stores have done everything they possibly can to get consumers back in their buildings and back to filling up their carts with unnecessary goods. I don't blame them, they're trying to stay afloat and they employ people in my city too BUT when we stop having integrity and start taking advantage - that's where I draw a line in the sand.

Years ago Black Friday was at 6am the Friday after Thanksgiving. It was tradition for a lot of people to go through their newspaper ads after Thanksgiving dinner and make a plan of attack, get up at 5, throw on some sweats, grab a coffee, pick up the other ladies in the shopping carpool and hit the stores just as they opened. It was fun to get some good deals, get most of your shopping out of the way, feel like you accomplished something - all before 9 am.

Then a store (we won't name names Ghetto-Mart) decided that if they opened their store an hour earlier that they would get people to spend all their hard earned Christmas savings before the other stores even opened. It was a beneficial plan - a monetarily beneficial plan. It was not a good plan though, good implies integrity and that officially left the building the moment some big-wig suggested crossing that line. The worst part? Their deals aren't on toys and scarves and cute sweaters for teenage nieces - NO, their deals are on giant TVs, Blu-ray players, DVD's, Kitchen Aid Mixers. Apparently Christmas is about giving but Black Friday is about KEEPING.

And that was just an hour extra! The next year it became 4am, and then 3am, and then we had to take it up a couple notches because competition was getting fierce - the malls, the stores, everyone - opened at midnight on Thanksgiving night. Fine for the shoppers - they got a few hours of turkey-induced sleep before heading out or they stayed up to shop and then went home with a car full of packages to sleep at 4am. But what about the employees? Oh wait, we forgot about them in our selfish need for $5 pajamas. Yes, they have to be in the store even earlier - sometimes 4 hours earlier - to stock the shelves, set up riot gear, etc.

Oh wait, what's that you say? This year it's 8pm??? Are we cancelling Thanksgiving? Oh....just for the people who work in retail - whew, I thought it affected me. It's fine then - let's look at the ads! NO. The buck stops here. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. Those people in the blue vests or the red shirts with the tired eyes and the slumped, defeated shoulders - those are mothers, fathers, sisters, boyfriends, daughters, sons, single dads or moms. They're us. And they deserve turkey-induced sleep just as much.

What's that saying? "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything." It's true. I know, I know - you want that 52 inch plasma 3D TV for $400 and you're willing to camp out in the freezing cold, miss out on turkey dinner, and fight tooth and nail to get it.....what does that say about you? Just stop, imagine that you can actually freeze time, take a step away and take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Do you look like some crazed animal fighting over a scrap of meat? Is that bargain TV essential to your life? Probably not, and you can get almost the same deal in January when the stores are trying to unload all the extra product - and you'll still have your morals when you fork over the cash for it.

So - take a stand, stop the buck, just say no - whatever. The shoppers outnumber the stores. If we say NO, if we refuse to shop at stores opening on Thanksgiving and Christmas (movie theaters and Starbucks I'm talking to you) then we can make a difference, we can show them that the holidays are really about family, about whatever religious views you might have, about giving - anything, anything except consuming.

BOYCOTT BLACK THANKSGIVING!

Help Target Employees make a stand! Sign their petitions here!

Help Wal-Mart Employees make a stand! Sign their petitions here!

Let's Talk About Sex - or Not.

2012-10-05T11:24:00.001-07:00

Knowledge is power but sometimes it's a burden too big to carry just yet. Life is a very long journey and I don't believe that we should add the weight of "the sex talk" to our children's shoulders before they're strong enough to carry it. In fact, I don't think we should add the weight of a lot of things until they're ready.

When the kids at my daughter's school first started talking about sex she was in 4th grade. The boys were discussing it and she kept her distance because she said they were "gross" and she didn't want to learn anything from them - especially not about sex. Smart girl. It's not always boys who bring the knowledge but I imagine a lot of times it is. I really can't blame them though - half of their brain has been thinking about their penis since they first found it at two months old. I have a son, I remember the first time he was quicker than I was during a diaper change and managed to grab ahold of it. It was like Christmas, his birthday, and Fourth of July all at once - I think fireworks went off. If he could have had a thought bubble floating above his head it would have read something like, "An extra arm! A squishy one! Why didn't you tell me!" And that's it - from that moment on, half their brain is learning while the other half is wondering what their dangly little friend is doing.

You really can't blame them - I mean, honestly ladies, if your boobs were jiggling around all day, brushing against your shirt, bouncing when you ran - you'd be half thinking about them too, right? Yeah, we would. I'm convinced that if women had ruled the world around the time that bras were created there'd be over-the-hip-one-eyed-snake-holders instead of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders!

Anyway, so most often boys bring the knowledge of sex to school. And girls pretend they don't care but then come home and ask their mothers. That's what mine did. In fourth grade! I nearly had a heart attack. She's smart, she could have handled it but did I really want her to? Did I want to weigh her down with that and all the unanswered questions that came with it? Split second parent decision making time......so I said, "well, sweetie, I will tell you if you really want to know but I think of innocence like a hallway - sex is the last door in that hallway. There are a lot of doors to discover all sorts of things through but sex is a one way door. Once you open the door on that knowledge you can never come back to this hallway and find out what's through the other doors. The entire world is on the other side of that door, but you've got a lot of time left to discover that side still. Think about it and tell me when you're ready. " I got a year and a half of innocent discovery before the video at school confirmed her suspicions and the door was opened. And I'm ok with that - for my tiny person, 9 was just too young to carry that kind of knowledge.

That's not to say that she completely changed in that moment - there wasn't much change at all actually. And she's still innocently discovering all kinds of wonderful things. But her acceptance of people kissing in movies and then the scene going dark was different, she now knew what that darkness was hiding before the next scene appeared. Like I said, once you go through the door - you can never go back. And once they go through that door - WE can never go back. At that moment in time, the axis tilts and your baby is now on the other side of childhood, the side where growing up is the destination, the side where you have to step back and let them make mistakes, let them fall, let them carry their own pack.

I don't like that side. It makes me want to have ten kids so I've always got one that still needs me until it's time to have grand kids. Wait, that's crazy talk - someone slap me!

Back to the subject, just because a child asks doesn't mean we have to tell them yet. My kids have always known how babies are born, they know that in nature it takes a male and female to make a baby, an egg, a new flower, whatever. I never lied to them about any of their questions and I never sidetracked them, I just let them decide if they were ready to carry that yet. Kids are smart, they know that there are things that they don't know yet, and things they aren't ready for yet. Sometimes they ask and they don't even really want to know - they just can't let the question go unasked. Adults are like that too.....except we ask and have already formed an opinion so the answer doesn't really matter!

Eating Clean.....Again.

2012-10-02T15:06:00.001-07:00

Like a lot of moms my diet has slowly deteriorated over the years since becoming a mom. Ok, fine - it was always bad. But, summer of 2011 I started eating better, doing these diet drops and then after I dropped 73 pounds (for real) I started working out 4 or 5 times a week and "eating clean."

In layman's terms, eating clean means that you don't eat anything with chemicals or preservatives. That's the short version, if you ask an eating clean guru they can give you a 24 hour lecture but basically it boils down to: if it's not natural, don't eat it. I ate this way for 6 months and felt AMAZING. I had tons of energy, got up almost every morning at 4:30 to work out, had some sexy muscles in places I had never had muscles before. It was good.....and then.....

I can't say I got tired of healthy food or hungry for a burger with actual buns - no, it was much more complicated and lazy than that. This June my husband went on his annual "man-trip" with the guys so the kids and I had 4-night-long slumber party in the living room. We swam in our pool until after dark, stayed up until 11 or 12 watching kids movies, ate pizza and ice cream and every day was "no pants day" (an actual holiday, feel free to click on the link and start celebrating it yourself!).

It was literally the worst 4 days of my stomach's life. By then though, the damage was done. Once you eat delicious, bad-for-you food you want more, and more, and more. Until it's the end of September and your pants are too tight, your body is sluggish and you've forgotten the number on your gym membership.

I finally decided enough was enough....again. After 2 days of detoxing with lots of water and clean eating I have realized how bad I really did feel, how much drive-thrus were really costing me! I went back to the gym on the first day and after an hour I felt like a large, sweaty hippo. I used to feel great after a workout - like I could kick some mugger's hiney if he tried anything on my way out to the car. Instead, being rolled out to my car sounded like a great option this weekend and unfortunately drove home the proof that I had backtracked too far to be able to make any excuses anymore.

So - here I go again. I'm counting calories, paying attention to sugars and fats, avoiding anything processed and hopefully breathing with my pants buttoned again. I highly suggest trying a week of eating clean. It might just change your life or at least your waistline! Full time is not for everyone but a clean week every now and then might remind us that a lot of the food that we put in our kid's tummies is filled with so many chemicals you could use it as rat poison. To quote the awesome kids show Yo Gabba Gabba: "So yummy for my tummy....so yummy, so yummy....NOT." Okay, Okay, I might have added that last part.

I'd Rather Be Reading

2012-09-27T12:22:00.003-07:00

According to my mother as soon as I could walk I would bring a stack of books to whatever adult happened to be sitting still for longer than two minutes and then turn my back to them and scoot into their lap with a smile and say, "Read me!" Through out my childhood, teen years and now that I'm .....older, for lack of a nicer word, I would still rather be reading - always.

I didn't put much thought into how this would affect my children and I didn't make a game plan to instill a love of reading in them - not at first at least. I just read all the time so when my children were born I did just that - read all the time.

I would sit against the couch or up against the headboard of the bed with my infant sitting in my lap, leaning back against me then I would prop the extremely colorful, easy to read board book up against my bent knees so she was only about 12 inches away and I would read. Often touching the picture as I said the word or bringing her 4 month old hand to the picture to associate it with the word. Throughout the day we would read just to read and every night at bedtime we would read two books and sing two songs (this created a ritual which has been going on for over a decade now and works like a charm!).

If you've got a toddler who is ready for the next step, recognizing words, grab a stack of paper from your recycle bin and print in nice easy-to-read handwriting some easy-to-learn words: table, door, bed, etc. Then tape them to that object. Keep it fun, tape one to your butt that says "mom" and one to dad that says "sleeping" or something else that makes your child giggle. Point at them often and say the words. Then take one or two down and put them on the counter and say they fell off would he (or she) mind putting them back on? Chances are they know where the missing cards go. And soon they'll want to make ones for every surface in the house!

As they grow older bump the words up to harder things or leave the first letter off and see if they can fill it in for you. Or be sneaky and use words out of a book and then read that book with them, the goal is for them to be excited about recognizing words in the book and actually want to learn more and eventually to read on their own.

For older kids who are reading but not yet into chapter books, try turning the subtitles on during movies that they watch over and over...and over and over. They will subconsciously start picking up new words. Worked with my daughter - her reading level jumped 8 slots over one summer. You can even be super sneaky and lower the volume just a little so they have to read the words.

For my kids (10 and 7), school seems to be sucking the fun out of reading by asking them to read a 100 pages a week (or an hour and 20 minutes for the little guy) but I'm hoping that once they're out of elementary school they'll remember that they actually LIKE reading and go back to doing it for themselves instead of to avoid study hall and the loss of Friday free-choice.

Isn't that what we do as parents? Lay a good enough foundation so that they can survive the rigors of childhood with enough of it intact to be the kind of adults we'd like them to be?

Also, I have guilt about not keeping up on my blog for the last year but.....I was reading ;)

I Am A Puke Magnet

2011-09-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Before getting married or having kids I had had many hangovers where I spent hours laying on the bathroom tile hating tequila or holding back the ponytail of a friend or roommate while she proclaimed her hate for vodka or whatever had been too tasty a drink to just say no. We've all been there.....ok maybe not all but if you haven't been there, let me just tell you - it's not as glamorous as it sounds. So I was no stranger to vomit. I had never been puked ON though - never. Then I became a mother.

Now it's been almost ten years since the day I gave birth to my oldest and I have been yacked on, puked on, barfed on, hurled on, upchucked on, regurgitated on, spewed on, retched on and vomited on. WHY? Are they aiming for me? Is it a present in some third world country?

I've discovered that this is one of the beauties of having a baby - their need to spit up so often is like a practice run for moms. You get so used to having puke (and yes it's puke even though it's just breast milk or formula - still puke!) on you shirt or in your hair or wiping it away with your hand because you don't have a towel (why are we so gross?) that you don't even hiccup the first time a child wakes you up at 2 am saying, "Mommy, I don't feel good." and then yacks on your face - ON IT! In your mind you say, "You passed two bathrooms on your way to me! Seriously?!?"....... but out loud you say, "Oh honey, it's okay. Let's get you to the bathroom."

We once had a party at my house and my then 7 year old daughter was playing, having a great time when suddenly she was standing in front of me. I looked at her face and I just knew - I've seen that look before - and then splat. I don't know why but my first reaction is always to catch it - this does not work, do not try it, all it does is splatter. But this time my hand shot out a little slower than I'd have liked anyway and instead I got it in my shirt - you know where - and in my lap, in my hair, on both arms and all over the floor. My kid? Not a drop on her and after rinsing her mouth and brushing her teeth she was ready to rock again. I had to shower of course. Not cool.

That was actually the last time my daughter threw up on me - since then she's started running to the bathroom on the first time and then I set her up on the couch with a good 80's movie and the bathroom trashcan double-lined with trash bags. But I must admit - as odd as it sounds - I was a little heartbroken the first time she ran to the toilet instead of me. It meant she was relying on herself instead of coming to me at the first sign of discomfort. I was sad. It was the first sign of her becoming an independent person and I know that's what we raise them to do, blah blah, but when you can actually feel them separating from you - it hurts, it's like losing a limb, a puke spraying limb but still!

Weird how not being barfed on makes you realize that your baby is growing up.....next thing you know they're making their own lunch and picking out socks that actually match, finishing their homework without being asked and then dating, driving away to college, coming home just to visit........Oh man, I think I'm having a panic attack. Breathe - just breathe.

The Poop Trail

2011-09-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

My kids can drop trow ANYWHERE. They don't care, they are not ashamed and they have a seemingly endless supply of body waste. No joke.

Maybe it's because I let them tell me when they were ready to be done with diapers, maybe it's because we camp in the woods where there are no bathrooms, maybe it's because having a closed door in my house is a luxury - who knows. What I do know is that every time we are in a public place my kid or kids have to go to the bathroom.

I have this weird feeling that they heard the story of Hansel and Gretel and since they didn't have pebbles or breadcrumbs they figured they'd leave a poop trail back home. Restaurants - pooped there. Fast food - you betcha. Mall - yup. Park - ew but yes. School - every day. Friends houses - oh yeah. Disneyland - many, many times over the years. Grocery store - every time. Vegas - several casinos. 5 Zoos in two states. 4 states in all! Museums, aquariums, beaches, libraries........if my kids have entered a building for even 5 seconds - they have used that bathroom.

I'm not sure where all this body waste is even coming from! Both my kids are of a healthy weight and size, they don't eat like mammoths, is it reproducing in them?? Did they win some gross contest that I don't know about? Or are they trying to win some gross contest? I'm constantly saying, "How can you possibly have to go to the bathroom again?"

I know what you're thinking - they're probably just hanging out in there, washing their hands for a long time, being nosy......nope. I've checked on them. They're going to the bathroom and they aren't shy about it. My son will actually shout - "I have to go poop!" across a store at me. Don't worry - I've never been embarrassed by that, I usually shout back something like, "That's awesome! Did you already scope out where the bathroom is poop-machine or do we need to look still?" And yes, he already knows.

I get a few reactions from my child's shout about poop - the first is that understanding nod from another mom who's kid is also leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of their own, the second is a smile from a parent who has kids so she knows they can be totally embarrassing and the third is my favorite, it's that snide look-down-your-nose-at-me catty look from a woman with no kids or perfect, ruffle dressed or collar shirted angels who never do anything as disgusting as pooping. Yeah right lady, you're kid's got a backed up intestine that you don't know about yet because she refusing to do what nature intended. I love this look because that's exactly what I think about when I nod and smile back at her - is the amazing explosion that she's gonna get soon and wish that her kid had dropped trow in Target like mine did!

Grazing Through Life

2011-09-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know - I am on a strict self-inflicted diet. It's changed everything about the way I look at food. The first few weeks were the hardest but not because I wanted to munch a chocolate bar or shovel a bag of chips into my mouth, it was because I've been grazing without even knowing it.

The first whoops was chocolate milk. (My kids love it and since they don't drink soda or kool-aid and they rarely have juice - they both prefer water most of the time - I figure the chocolate isn't going to kill them. And since my kids are both healthy and physically fit I'm right and Jaime Oliver is wrong.) Anyway, here I am on day two of my diet and I make them both a glass of chocolate milk - stirring to get the perfect creamy chocolatey taste and then.....I licked the spoon and put it in the sink. DANG IT! I didn't even realize I was doing it so I must always do it. Bummer.

The next time, I was making lunches and poured Cheeze-its into baggies, I had one halfway into my mouth before I noticed what I was doing and stopped myself! Then it was fries on their plates, then crackers with their lunch or a slice of cheese while I was making sandwiches, or the honey that ran down the side of the jar and I caught it with my finger - that one I missed.....right into the mouth. Frakk. It didn't end there - every time I make something for my kids or opened a package, or walking by food I knew that without my new diet regulations I wouldn't have even thought about it - I would have just grabbed something to munch on.

It dawned on me that I was grazing.....like a cow wandering around in a field all day. Eating a little bit here, a little bit there.....not because I was hungry or it was tasty but it was there and I was there......I think that's part of how most moms and even dads get a little fluffier as we get older. We're grazing on all the unhealthy things our kids eat or the unhealthy things that people bring to work or parties - whatever. It doesn't seem like much but it adds up and it adds up fast when you're doing it all day every day.

It sucks. And then suddenly you turn around and realize that you no longer have to turn around to see your butt in a full length mirror....it's there no matter where you turn. I'm pretty sure that mine got there because I was happily chewing my cud, wandering through life, grazing on birthday cake and cheetos.

So if you're a normal sized adult and you want to lose that 20 pounds that your body has hung onto since giving birth to your little parasite or you just want to get healthier what do you do ? How do you stop this pattern? I'm actually on a real diet with restrictions and HCG drops and rules. It's not for everyone, you have to decide what type of diet you're willing to commit to but I'll tell you what has been a big eye-opener for me and a huge tool in keeping myself on track - write it down. I know, it seems silly because you remember what you ate.....but do you really? Try writing down EVERYTHING that you eat or drink for one week and as you go through your day write down the calories and fat grams too. If it's not packaged with the nutritional label readily available you can find them online or you can use a fitness calculator on your phone. I do both and I keep a cheat sheet of my favorite foods in the front of my food journal for easy reference. I've got it memorized now actually.

Or you could just fill your kids lunches with veggies and lean proteins.......yeah right.

If Your Mouth is Moving, Then Your Ears Aren't Listening

2011-08-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I learned a very valuable lesson the other night at a parent/teacher meeting at school. There must have been something like 50-60 parents at this event and our three upper department teachers had a lot to tell us. The kids homework isn't take it home and bring it back the next morning - some is but some is not due until Friday and then they have this planner to do .....it's very complicated and time consuming. They also needed to talk about our new behavioral discipline plan and of course, our Yosemite Camping Trip. You'd think people would pay attention since you're giving up an evening with your family to sit through this and listen - nope, there were little chatty groups all over the cafeteria.

I'm not talking about leaning over to whisper one thing during the meeting, I'm talking there were several heads together, chatting, laughing - disregarding the glares of other parents trying to listen. Funny thing is - as I looked around at all those parents whispering to each other I realized that I have personally talked to each of their children about talking while the teacher is talking. Isn't that a coincidence? Or perhaps, as we've discussed before the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I am not one to keep quiet when something irritates me and I wanted to get up, walk across the room and lean down to their level and firmly say, "We don't talk while an adult is talking. We're here to learn and you're disrupting those around you. Do you need to take a break or are you ready to listen?" just like I have said to their children. My husband would have killed me though. Prude.

If you break rules and don't show respect to people then your children see that and they act accordingly. That punk kid who refuses to do what you ask him at school and has his own private pass to the take a break chair in class? Take a good, long look at Mom and Dad. Chances are, they're flippant about authority, probably say stuff like, "Stupid Cops." or "You're teacher's an idiot." or "Who does he think he's talking to?" That's awesome. Please re-create your child in your image - because what the world really needs is more people with a chip on their shoulder, more people who feel entitled to do whatever they want.

I know - I know.....it's just talking during a school meeting, blah blah. But its a pebble in a jar that eventually becomes to heavy to be carried. This one leads to that one, then another and pretty soon you're THAT parent. Do you really want to be that parent? And do you really want your kid to be THAT kid? Because, let's face it - you only have yourself to blame for that.

As I've said before - be a good example, be respectful and attentive and your child will most likely follow suit. And for all the parents who continue to listen even though people around them are chit-chatting......thank you for not breaking the rules just because other people do. I respect that.

Bad Influence

2011-08-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Pretty much every child who is not your own is going to be a bad influence on yours at some point. Remember? We're all different so the things we hold up as important are not always the same. I learned this lesson on our first trip to Disneyland three weeks before my daughter turned 2 years old.

She was a really good kid - still is actually and when I told her no, she usually listened. But here we are in the happiest place on Earth and for some reason people don't like to tell their children no under the watchful eyes of Mickey Mouse. We're in line for a ride and the child in front of us climbs up on the handrail and climbs over, then she crawls underneath and begins again. I had already discussed with my little girl that we do not climb or sit on the handrails because it's against the rules. For the first time in my motherhood I was faced with the big question: Why can she but I can't?

We only get a split second sometimes to make decisions about our children that will shape their entire futures, and ours too since we have to deal with the little buggers for 18 years. So when my almost two year old turned to me and looked at me with questioning eyes, I came up with, "Just because other people break the rules doesn't mean that we do." I went on to tell her that it wasn't safe to climb on things, it was a bad example for other children and also thousands of people touched those bars - who knows if the last person that walked by just scratched their butt - and you'd be touching it and not washing your hands until our next bathroom break - gross! She got the point, I got a favorite new saying to use and the mom in front of us got to pretend she was just noticing her brat climbed in and out of the railing and tell her no. Yeah, I believe that.

"Just because other people break the rules, doesn't mean that we do." That's how I say it and I've been saying it for seven years. I don't say it too much anymore because my children learned the lesson early on and now they just ignore children who don't have the same rules we do. They aren't bitter about it, it's an easy way of accepting things they can't change. My son was a little more difficult because....well, he's just a little more difficult to do everything with. But I feel like they've got a handle on it. And it's an easy way for me to let it go too. Otherwise you'd hear me telling kids and parents off wherever we go: "Don't walk up the slide!" "Look with your eyes not with your hands!" "Stop climbing on everything!"

Don't misunderstand me - I don't mind yelling at other people's kids. I've been known to yell at kids I know and kids I've never met. Oddly enough, parent tend to get a little cranky when I don't know them and tell their kids to knock it off. Hey, you know what? If you aren't gonna parent your kid in front of me I'm going to assume you don't know how it's done and you need a lesson! Free of charge and you're welcome.

Co-Sleeping...Weird or Snuggly?

2011-08-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

A friend recently posed the question - to co-sleep or not to co-sleep? I am not sure how I feel about this. Long ago I would have said, "Creepy. Michael Jackson co-slept with some kids and it got him sued!" Then when my daughter was a baby I would have jumped at the chance to spend every night next to her warm, snuggly babiness (the hubbie said no way). Now that I've survived 9 years of parenthood I've got mixed feelings.

My kids have,of course, crawled into bed with me on nightmare nights or when they're sick or when they wake up at dawn and can't sleep but 99% of the time the sleep in their own beds in their own rooms. Not just because the hubbie said no way but also because on those rare occasions that they manage to insinuate themselves into my cal-king I get stabbed in the eye with a roving elbow, or wake up to a surprisingly strong kick to the gut at 4 am. The best is when I wake up freezing because I have no blanket and am perched perilously on the very edge of the bed.

Why oh why would I want to sleep like this every night?? And some nights maybe I'd like a little snuggling that doesn't involve a 6 year old with a runny nose and sabertooth toenails, you know? We are a the kind of family that kisses and hugs and giggles and sings but if I don't have some time away from you - even if I happen to be sleeping during it - I might shake you.....or ship you to Guam. Do they co-sleep there? You might like it!

So I guess I am sure how I feel about co-sleeping - for me......I don't like it. How I feel about it in general is still up for grabs - does it make kids clingy and needy? Does it make them weird later in life? When's a good time to kick them out? Do you feel guilty for evicting them from your bed? And how in the world do you have baby #2 if you're having a slumber party in your bodouaire every night???

Feeding Time at the Shark Tank

2011-08-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

You've been to the aquarium right? You see that they feed the sharks at 10, 2, and 6 every day right? Same goes for the zoo with the sea lions and flamingos. Same goes for those ravenous little beasts we call babies too! If the zoo employees came running with a bucket full of sardines every time the sea lions cried out you know what would happen? The sea lions would be fat, lazy and demanding and the zookeepers would be exhausted, drained and would probably quit their jobs!

I'm not saying to starve your infant - that's not nice. But making them wait until feeding time isn't starvation - it's you being a responsible mother (or father). They aren't gonna starve if they wait 45 minutes I promise! But if you leave them there crying you might go crazy. This is a great time for dancing or playing, or talking - as long as the baby is in motion they usually get distracted from food. They're hungry because they're bored.....like me eating a bag of chips while I'm watching TV. Darn those chips!

As babies my kids were on a schedule - they ate at 8am, 12, 4, 8pm and then the 11pm feeding took them straight through until 8am. That's right my daughter slept from 11 at night until 8am from the time she was two weeks old and my son at three because he spent his first week in the NICU. Jealous? You should be. When parents complain about a lack of sleep I just smile. Sucks to be you! Especially since between every feeding they slept for at least an hour each time also. Sleep is so important - to me and them!

I was a bottle feeding mom though, too - I understand when you're a breast feeding mom that 4 hours is too long, maybe 3 in between instead? Before you condemn me for not utilizing my ta-tas, my milk ducts don't work or I would have been on that team too. Hey - it's free and healthy so I'd have been there! I couldn't though so I settled for a bottle and a close snuggle.

I'm pretty sure that me (and the hubby) keeping to a good schedule with the infant feedings lead to better sleeping habits, better coping abilities and happier babies. Not to mention, happier less exhausted parents than most. I do know for a fact that those feeding schedules lead to other types of schedules - like bedtime - and have contributed to my daily happiness ever since. No sea lions barking orders out for tuna at my house!

Hosting a Parasite

2011-08-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

You know what no one ever says out loud? Your unborn child is a parasite. Oh no, of course we don't think that, it's a bundle of joy, a bun in the oven, a perfect little angel.......no, you're deluding yourself. It's a parasite and it feeds off of your body for 40 weeks - sucking all the goodness out and leaving you with the dregs. And then when it's grown to capacity what does it do? It uses an escape hatch that will never be the same again!

While you are pregnant many fantastic (insert sarcasm) things befall you directly because of the parasite sucking all the goodness out of your body - first, you have to share your food. Not all of it - just the best of the best. Second, your hair starts falling out - it's long and shiny because of your prenatal pills but more of it is coming out with the brush than ever before. Third, your mucus membranes swell. Sounds gross right? It is and it isn't - it means that some pregnant women have nosebleeds and some have bleeding gums while brushing their teeth, on the bright side though......women have another important mucus membrane that swells.....it, well, um.....lets just say for women who can get over feeling like their belly is the Titantic, "whoopie" is a lot better.

Fourth, you must suffer at the hands of the medical profession for 9 long months - they take like 8 vials of blood (don't I need that for the baby??), then they make you do a bunch of tests, drink a bunch of water and hold it while they push on your giant belly and point at a grey blob on the screen saying, "oh look, she's sucking her thumb!" I'll take your word for it because it looks like a bowl of oatmeal to me. They weigh you every time (so rude), they poke you and prod you and then to top it all off with a cherry - you go into the hospital to finally exercise this parasite from your body and for the 20 hours that you're in labor like 6 different nurses stick their fingers in your who-ha while talking about the weather or telling you what a great job you're doing. Could you not talk to me with your hand in my swollen membranes please?? Thanks for that.

And then after you swear the indignities have ended - you find out you're wrong, they party is just getting started. No one looks amazing after having a baby, and when other women try to tell you that you do they're being nice because they remember being in your place. Your face is swollen, you probably have on no make up, you just spent 20 hours pushing an 8 pound baby outta your who-ha and you aren't looking your best. It's true. But everyone you know is coming to visit. RIGHT NOW. And they keep on coming for at least the first week or so. And they make your day by taking pictures - so you can remember that double chin you grew when you were carrying your bundle of joy. Again, thanks for that.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVED being pregnant. I was happy being the host to both my parasites but that doesn't change the fact that they were parasites. Yes, yes - our bodies are made for that, yadda yadda - that doesn't mean I can't be honest about it! And that doesn't mean I can't look at other pregnant women and be both sad that I don't get to do that again and glad that I don't get to do that again!

The Best Defense is a Good Offense

2011-08-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

Now we know that hitting is bad - for toddlers and parents. And shipping them to Guam is probably illegal. So what do you do instead to instill respect and obedience in your kids? Well first of all you have to remember that each child is different and what works #1 may not work for #2 or what works for mine may not for yours. I'm just going throw out some alternatives that I've tried. Just like with a new shampoo or a new pair of shoes you gotta break it in. Whatever you choose, use it steadily for at least two weeks before you decide it's trash and it doesn't work on your monster. They're sneaky little buggers - they know you're testing on them!

Eye Contact - When I was a new parent I always thought that this was important but guess what? You are big and scary! And most likely, they're already feeling bad about drop kicking the cat so you making them stare into your angry eyes while you lecture puts them - you guessed it - on the defensive. And now they aren't listening anymore. Try sitting next to them, if you're a touchy-feely family hold hands or put yours close enough if they need it. Usually they do. They love you and they need you for safety - even when you're angry. In this position you can talk and they can listen and learn. Talk about why we don't do those kinds of things and who gets hurt etc etc.

Cause and Effect - Kids are smart and they're like little sponges so if you tell them, "Mommy has a horrible headache and when you scream that way it makes me hurt. Do you think we could talk in our library voices for awhile?" they'll listen and learn. On a side note - this actually works - I get migraines and my children play quietly on my bed until bedtime, they take turns rubbing my back and reading quietly to each other. They just want to be near me because they know I hurt.

Dad Voice: I reserve this for the worst deeds. When I was a kid my dad using his "Dad" voice was worse than any spanking or lecture or anything else he could dish out. That voice was his big scary monster voice and I heard it loud and clearly! I use it for mine too but sparingly so they know this is the END of the line buster.

Take a Break: I used to call it a "time out" but our hippie, alternative school calls it "taking a break" and I love that. It suggests that you are taking a break from the situation not that you need to be sequestered from the outside world for a while. And I use it on different levels, for little moments and for big ones - when my son starts acting like a spaz I say, "Dude you need to take a little break - you're starting to act crazy and I don't want you to end up getting in trouble because you can't control yourself." And he does, he just sits or stands where he is and takes a few deep breaths and then rejoins us. I also have been known to tell my children that we need to take a break from each other before I start pulling their arms and legs off (Since I'm funny this works for me - they laugh and go play in another room, yours might call 911 so be careful what you say!)

As I'm trying to think of all the things that I do when my kids go nuts, I realize that for me - prevention is key. Head them off before they breach enemy lines! I figure a good offensive is worth way more than a good defense. Defense against a tantruming, terrible two year old is exhausting! And emotionally draining. And you can't win if you're constantly defending - how will you score goals that way?? So, keep changing the play on them, keep them guessing, nip stuff in the bud right away. Make rules and when they start to bend them - tell them whats up, you won't stand for that kind of disrespect, you already said no and if they can't listen then not only are we leaving now but we will not be coming back to the park, or this friends house, or whatever anytime soon. And keep your promises - even the "you're in trouble ones."

And you know what? Don't be embarrassed when you lose the battle - we fight for too long and too often to win every one. And the moms around you watching you carry your screaming child like a sack of potatoes over your shoulder - they've been there too! If some of them judge you because 'that's never happened to me' they are lying through their pearly whites and their kids are going to hooligans before they even start kindergarten!

I'm sure there are 50 other things I've tried - a strategy was difficult to find with my little guy - but I, of course, can't think of anything else right now. I'll make some notes and come back with more another time. Just remember - the best defense is a good offense!

We've all done it

2011-08-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

The other day I was in the grocery store and heard a loud "smack!" and then the horrible sound of a child crying. My immediate reaction was to get angry and curse this parent under my breath while desperately wondering if he and his equally oblivious wife would be offended if I went over there and talked to them about why hitting doesn't solve anything. Yes, they would have been offended since they probably smacked their kids without much provocation. I could see that from the reaction of the now sobbing child. She was about 2, her little face red and although I couldn't see it (the bananas were in the way) I'm sure there was a raised man-sized red hand print on her chubby little leg since it was 95 degrees that day and she had on shorts. They had another child as well, probably around 9 and she was crying softly and cupping the side of her head where he had obviously smacked her at some point too. Both of their expressions were not surprised - they were accepting and broken, as if this were nothing new to them.

Honestly, we have all been somewhere, sometime, when our kid or kids were acting like complete psychos, we're frustrated, exhausted and at the end of some kind of quickly fraying rope when it happens - they push too far and our body reacts before our mind can say stop. It's usually a swipe to the rear because that's what our parents did or a slap on the hand when they're touching and touching and touching everything in the store, sometimes it's a tap on the top of the head - just a little reminder. It happens and guess what? It's not child abuse and you're not alone. What matters most is that it's a RARE reaction that you have when everything is just at a frenzied point. If this is your daily answer to little things that you're children are doing - the things that make them kids - you need to reevaluate your parenting techniques. I'm totally serious.

If your boss came in and slapped you upside the head because you took an extra a couple minutes on your break what would that be? Degrading? Embarrassing? Illegal? Assault and battery? All of the above? Yeah, you would take exactly ten minutes on your break tomorrow so the slap did it's job but now you're hurt, pissed, embarrassed, ashamed, and maybe looking for a way to be passive aggressively rebelling. That's how a 2 year feels too, and a 9 year old and a 12 year old and then you've got a rude, disrespectful, angry teenager who most likely hates you. With good reason I'm sorry to say.

Hell yes kids need rules, they need boundaries and sometimes, for some parents and some kids - they need a swipe to the backside or a tap to the reaching hand but what they don't need is to be broken. Be gentle but firm - if you are a spanking parent make sure you do it with a cool head - angry minds equal angry hands and you're a lot stronger than their soft skin.

Next time - imagine that there might come a day when your tiny child - who you love more than anyone in the world and would do anything for - says, "Mommy please don't hit me."

The Juggler

2011-08-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't know that parent and juggler are actually synonyms for each other - seriously. As a juggler though, you get to practice for a while before you take your act in public and if you're not ready right away you can wait to unveil yourself. And as a juggler if you drop a ball you can figure out some cool, flashy way to scoop it back into the act. As a parent you do not get these opportunities - someone pulls you out of the crowd, fills your hands with chainsaws and midgets and pushes you into the center ring. You're on, juggle! And don't drop anything because chainsaws and midgets don't like to be dropped!

You know what though? That crowd eating peanuts and watching intently for you to mess up and slice your arm off? Only a few of the catty ones want you to fail - everyone else is waiting to cheer when you pull it off with everything intact. And it's not always life threatening things that you have to juggle - when it is, make sure you focus on you and not who's watching - you'll be fine.

But when it's just getting the kids to school, making it to the dentist on time, mailing that package at the post office and picking up some groceries - relax! Have you ever seen a juggler miss something? Of course! They're not perfect and neither are you. Sometimes you have to let one thing fall in order to keep everything else on track. Don't have time for all that? Kids have to be at school, dentist is gonna charge you if you don't show up (rude!), someone's waiting for that package and your family has to eat....or you could just order Chinese food or pizza when you get home. Sometimes, something's gotta give. Figure out what can go and pocket it for tomorrow!

On the other hand (pun intended), there are a lot of times when you're trying so hard to do everything all at once that when you see something slipping you lunge for it and guess what happens? Everything tumbles down and you sit down and cry out your woes in front of everyone. Don't cry! It happens to the best of us. The solution to that is - don't. You see something slipping just let it go because you'll set off a chain reaction and it's not the end of the world if the lawn doesn't get mowed or you don't take that dress with mustard on it to the cleaners. It'll keep. Try again tomorrow.

Some things cannot fall though - make sure you always keep your promises to your children - very important, even the little ones - because it builds trust. You said we're getting ice cream - get it. And always get them where they need to be ON TIME - it is building a foundation of responsibility for them. It also teaches them that you respect their teachers, coaches, Girl Scout Leaders - whoever and that they should too. But taking the dog to the groomers? It can wait! Getting the car washed? It can wait too!

Take a good look at a juggler - they start with 3 and add another, and another, and another until you're oohing and aahing over them juggling 9 different things. You start small too - have 3 tasks on your list and some options for adding in, add in if you can - if not, don't. If something gotta go - it's okay. Most of the time it will keep until tomorrow. Just don't juggle chainsaws and midgets at the same time!

Good Game!

2011-08-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure there are thousands of ways to raise a child, and there are equally as many ways to screw that kid up. Unfortunately, because each child is different and each family is different, they don't come with a user's manual. We just have to roll with the punches and learn from our mistakes. And if you're new to this whole motherhood gig, believe me, you WILL make mistakes. We can just hope that we raise our kids well enough (despite the mistakes) that they go to college, get a good job and can afford their therapy later on in life....that's my ultimate goal at least.

Don't get me wrong through this blog - I'm not a super mom. I'm just an average mom who's honest about her mistakes and willing to learn from them. In fact, I am probably completely screwing up my kids and now I'm making it immortal by blasting their lives on the Internet for strangers to read.

Speaking of mistakes, let's hang a one of mine out to dry. When my daughter, Carma, was a toddler she would touch something and I would tell her no, touch again, no and then on the third time, I would lightly smack her little hand. She was stubborn, she'd go again and again until there was a little pink patch on her hand from me smacking it. That's what my parents did when I was little and it worked so that's what I did. But I didn't like how it made me feel, I didn't like having to hurt my child to teach her. So I changed my game plan. And along the way I've picked up other ways to discipline and teach at the same time. Not that that way is wrong, it just didn't work for me. Lesson learned.

Those moments or mistakes are there for all of us. And there's going to be too many to remember after awhile but those moments should make you appreciate the great job you're doing in between. Most people don't stop to appreciate what a good job they're doing parenting. It's a job that's never completely done - you can never just stand back, dust off your hands and say, "look what I did!" You know what - you should do that. Right now. Hey - it's a work in progress - you don't think Michelangelo waited until the entire ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted before he high-fived his crew do you? Heck no, they were guys! They probably patted each other on the butt saying, "good game" at least once a day. So, give yourself a little pat - don't tell me where, it's none of my business - and say, "good game!"

There's a fine line between love and stalking......

2011-08-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

My son, Simon, has been in love since he was just two years old. With the same girl. Really. Her name is Zoe. They met in preschool and they were two halves of the same whole. It was truly amazing to watch. They just loved each other.

She moved away and we still hang out when we can but they only see each other a few times a year. Like most girls she has other interests, she still loves my little man but she's keeping her 6 year old options open. Simon, though, he is a forever man. His heart beings to Zoe. When the little girls at school were deciding who was going to marry whom in kindergarten Simon calmly said, "I'm going to marry Zoe. I love her. We can be friends but not married.". So serious.

Tonight while I was making dinner (I know - shocker, right?) my six year old son calmly says, "I wish I was married to Zoe already." I smiled and asked why of course. He looked at me like I had a head growing out of my chest and said, "Because I love her." Oh. Then he went on, "So we could live together and have kids. Like you do. We're going to have some kids - me and Zoe."

So what I'm wondering now is.....how fine is the line between love and stalking?

Take A Chill Pill

2011-08-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

I read this article once that said that the blood pressure of infants and mothers were linked for several months after birth. Some scientists somewhere did a study testing the blood pressure of both mother and baby in several different environments and when the mothers blood pressure went up - so did the baby's. Even when they were in separate rooms. I'm not sure if any of that's even true but it feels true.

I would be home all day with my daughter and the 9 hours that my husband was gone for work felt like 3 days. By late afternoon I had reached the end of my rope, she was tired and cranky, I was tired and cranky. I was also still in my pajamas and I smelled like spit up, the house was a mess and the more frustrated I got, the more she cried and the more she cried - you guessed it - the more frustrated I got. Then, like a knight in shining armor, hubby would walk through the door and I would dump everything in his surprised hands, muttering/crying that I needed a shower, to brush my teeth and 15 minutes away from her before I shook her.

After 15 glorious minutes in the shower I would emerge with shiny teeth, clean hair and the beginnings of a much better attitude......and then I would hear the silence in the house. So I would tip toe down the hallway to the living room and find Daddy asleep on the couch (still in his work clothes) and my now sweet, silent 3 month old passed out on his chest. I have about 100 pictures of the same scene but on different occasions. Later it would be with my son asleep on his chest and our 3 year old daughter asleep in the bend of his arm. I've even got one with our "never-takes-a-nap" nephew asleep at the other end of the couch!

At first I was a little sad (and a little bitter) - why couldn't I do this? Why is it whenever my husband holds a small child they fall asleep but I'm the Mother and I don't have this gift? I've got a theory on this - it's a combination of two things: the first is that mens hearts beat slower so it has a calming affect and the second is the blood pressure affect. Daddy's don't have this link because they didn't grow this little bundle of joy inside them. We were really linked for 9 months and that link never fully goes away. So she (or he) feels your frustration and they don't understand it, it's worse than a chain reaction because you're feeding off of each other and it's just gets worse and worse until somebody passes out or gets shaken.

This is when I started giving us both a break. I would be so frustrated, so exhausted, so DONE that I just had nothing left to give so I would lay her down in her pack-n-play and I would sit at the end of the hall and I would take deep breaths and sing to myself. Singing calms me down and it drowned out the sound of her crying. It would be a wondrous thing if I could say that my singing helped her calm down but that's just not true. She was pissed and I had to work to calm her back down but, thankfully, now I was more relaxed and it was much easier.
And when Dad is home - hand that baby off! She's half his too and you need to communicate that you need a partner not an audience. Maybe he just doesn't know how to help you. How he begins being a father is how he'll go on being a father, right? Give him a little nudge in the right direction because we all know that he won't stop and ask for directions himself!

I have to admit that I have a secret weapon though - I have an amazing husband who does way more than his share of pretty much everything. He does more dishes than I do, he sweeps and vacuums more, when he was home he changed pretty much every diaper, he has never said, "what's for dinner?" or "I don't have any clean socks" because he can do those things too. He's pretty awesome and I'm pretty lucky. I can't take credit for him though - he came this way. One of the few "as-is" deals I've ever lucked out on!

Follow My Lead

2011-08-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

One of the best gifts that you can give your children is a good example. This obviously goes for all kinds of things - the way you talk, the way you act, how you react and deal with situations. The most important things they learn will be from watching you. Hence the saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Everything you do - everything - is being observed by the most important person in your life, observed and then mimicked in their own ways.

For example, baby talk makes that vein above my eye twitch. I know she's a baby and therefore does not speak yet but she can hear you and before you know it she'll be remembering the way your mouth moves and the sounds that you make with it. And you'll keep doing it because now it's routine for you. So when she's three she'll be telling people, "Wook at my wittle baby doll. Hers so cutsie-wutsie, isn't hers?" UM NO, "hers" is not. If we speak to babies the way we want them to speak when they get older it's just better for everyone - believe me. Baby talk is cute if it's something they've done themselves on accident and it only lasts a little while but if you handicap your child on purpose.....well, that's just mean.

We all throw a little smack-talk out (kinda like I do on my blog - see paragraph above for an example!). We get frustrated and we complain. It happens. But when you talk trash in front of your child they're picking up on the disrespect and often disdain in you voice and words and will treat the object of your scorn accordingly. You don't like your 8 year old son's teacher and you vent on your cell about how she never follows up with you and doesn't she know pink slips are going out? Your son sitting in the backseat heard all of that and in the next few days he'll begin to look at his teacher in a different light. When she tells him not to do something he won't listen the first time, or the second and before you know what's happened - he's totally ignoring her and the other teachers too. Eight years later you can't figure out why your teenager is such a disrespectful toerag to everyone - including you.

This one is my personal struggle - road rage. I tell myself, "it's just a few minutes of my day - who cares if I'm 2 minutes behind schedule, seriously?" It doesn't sink in though and I get so pissed off at idiots on the road. When the kids aren't in the car it's like I'm having a contest against myself for the most disgusting, rude things I can say or call people. So, of course, when they're in the car I'm concentrating so hard on not cussing and screaming that I forget how my body language looks. I'm tense and growling, I'm passing people and muttering about idiots. It's all bad. My kids see that I can't just roll with the punches like I tell them to all the time. A little thing happens, like someone not using their blinker, and I'm completely pissed off and my body shows it. My 6 year old looks the same when his friends aren't sharing (huffing and tensing - and angry).....and yet I expect him to relax and figure out a better way. Looks like I've got no one but me to blame for that one!

Try to remember the little ears and little eyes that are watching and learning from you how to be a person every moment of every day. Don't forget that these are the lessons that will shape they're lives - they may forget algebra or what makes something a conjunctive verb but they'll always pick their teeth at the table if they watch you do it for 18 years. And they'll always use their fists if they watch you do it for almost two decades. And they'll always break the rules if they watch you disregard them all the time. We want our children to have the best in life........well, that includes a good example.

Begin as you mean to go on

2011-08-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Honestly I'm not sure where I picked this up but I say it all the time to new moms, newlyweds, old moms, old married couples - anyone really. Begin as you mean to go on. The easiest way to explain this is that when you first get married you are disgustingly in love so you make breakfast in bed and you fold all his boxers into perfect squares, you whistle while you wash dishes and you get up early just to make his lunch. Then - the newness wears off, you have a job and are tired too so you'd like to share those responsibilities, he's a big boy and can make his own lunch, and then....you have kids so you REALLY don't have time to cut his pd&j into a heart with no crusts and he can find clean boxers in the dryer like everyone else! This is when the arguing starts - you are arguing over little things but the base reason is because he feels like you've changed so much, you don't love him as much, you're not giving him the attention you used to and you, you feel like he's lazy and can't he help wash dishes without being asked? He treats you like a slave and he doesn't even say thank you! Not to mention he never does anything special for you anymore.

Guess what? It's your fault. You did not go on as you began. And, you're right, you shouldn't have to do those things - marriage is a partnership, you should share all the responsibilities and the chores. But you started off on the wrong foot by lavishing him with love. What's he supposed to think? His reaction is unfortunately quite normal. This goes for guys too - they start with little gifts, flowers for no reason, little kisses just because, sweet messages of love when they've been away from you too long.....then they go back to normal and guess what? You don't feel loved anymore - "why don't you ever send me flowers? just because we're married doesn't mean I don't need to hear that I'm beautiful and you miss me!" Well......shouldn't you know that already? Wrong answer, buster!

So, you have two options here: if you're just starting out - be normal, I know you love him (or her), I know you want to make him (or her) feel loved but be careful - it will bite you in the behind! Treat each other now as you will always treat other and when you do do special things it will be just that - special. OR if you're already too far in to change your ways you'll have to make more of an effort.

Here's how to do that - if you made his lunch and now you don't have time or energy, get up early or stay up a little late once in a while and put in that extra effort. This first time, leave a little note in his lunch that says "I wish I still had the time to make your lunch every morning." And then something personal, blah blah, love and kisses (you know the routine). Maybe put something special in there - his favorite candy bar or favorite snack - you know him best, you decide. For the chores around the house you'll need to communicate - let him know that this is a 50/50 relationship, buddy. Before making dinner say, "I cook, you clean?" or for laundry, "I'll fold, you hang?" and for kids bedtimes, "I'll read, you sing?" You get it.

And for the guys - you'll have to step it up man. I know you bought the cow and you should get the milk for free but .....we cows.....we don't see it that way. By now you should know what she likes best - for example: I would like a potted flower better than a flower delivery. Going out for a few beers with friends? Stop at the bookstore first and pick up the new book she's been wanting, or on your way home from work, rent that chick flick you wouldn't watch with her and get her a single of her favorite Ben and Jerry's. She'll love that you thought about her night and that she's stuck home with the kids and did something to improve it. Going fishing with friends at the crack of dawn? Stick a note to the mirror saying that you'll miss her face this morning. Not to often - just occasionally.....keep it special.

Sure these aren't parenting tips but happy parents make happy kids and divorce is often the result of people looking back at the beginning and not even recognizing it anymore.

Summer Fun

2011-07-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

The summer that I got to be a stay-at-home mom was my absolute favorite summer of my entire life.. Seriously. I love to be the idea person and I love to bring my ideas to life so every day was a fresh challenge. One of my closest friends always gets to be a stay-at-home mom (lucky!) so we did a lot of things together.....mostly to keep ourselves sane! We usually spent 2 days together each week, one for fun and one for something crafty. The rest of the week was my own - which I think is important too, you don't want your kids getting tired of their friends or becoming dependent on them for fun.

I'm a bargain hunter so the first thing I do at the beginning of the summer is find the deals! There are usually one or two free bowling programs for kids in our city - I sign my kids up for both because they both have different adult deals each day too. Also, there are movie theaters that do "Family Movie Festivals" each summer - all the movies are ones that are out on DVD already, are either G or PG rated, they show on one or two days a week, and most movie theaters charge $1.00 admission! This is an awesome break in the monotony! We went every week that summer (it was actually free then which was even better). Most libraries have a summer reading program and they usually do puppet shows, reptile shows or magic shows once a month.

Summer fun can add up so don't knock trying to save a buck by using the freebies! Not to mention its a great way to show your kids that fun can be free or darn close to it. Try keeping track of how much you're spending on summer fun on a poster board - tell them if they keep it under a certain amount that they can split that same amount on themselves at the end of summer. Or set up a dollar amount you are willing to spend on summer activities and tell them that whatever is leftover goes to pay for a mini-vacation the last weekend before school.

Annual passes to certain things can be a big chunk of change but can pay off if you use it enough - the zoo is a great one that we have, the aquarium is a great deal too. If you're sharing your summer with another family see if you can combine your families on one pass - then you get to split the cost and it's really worth it! I constantly tell people about Zoo Annual Passes because the zoo never gets old and it's a great deal! And the pass usually covers 120 -150 zoo nationwide. That's is a deal!

I am a crafty person. If you say, "Shannon I need a hat that looks like a birds nest." I will make one for you in less than an hour. I do need to specify that I save everything I deem even remotely reusable or craft-able and I constantly stock up on things I craft with often so crafting costs for me are lower than they'd be for you. That summer I went to the craft store and looked in their dollar section and found tons of sand art, photo albums, painting projects, magnets, sun catchers, all sorts of fun (and cheap) activities for my then 4 and 7 year old. I also splurged and spent $10 on a tie dye kit because we do that almost every year and it's super fun (really). We would do a craft with our friends at least once a week. Keeps little fingers nimble and at the end of the summer they had a shelf of crafts to look at and be proud of.

I'm also a fan of trips to the park. It's free, you can take a blanket and a picnic and stay as long as you can stand the screaming children and there a lot of parks to choose from so you won't get bored. We never did try this but I always thought it would be fun to get a map of your city, pin it to the wall somewhere where it can stay for the summer and then let your children pick a different park each time. I'd suggest having them choose a back-up park just in case that is one without a play area or is in an area you'd rather not stop your car in.

I feel like I must be boring you with all my summer fun talk but I really wanted to make a list of off-the-beaten-path ideas that you might like to try. I'll save it for tomorrow I guess!

While I'm at Work Today

2011-07-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Many moms and dads have to work every day. This is not my goal.....my goal is to be a useless housewife. I don't want to actually DO anything. I don't want to clean or cook or greet my over-worked hubby at the door with a Vodka Tonic and a smile - that's so 1950's. No, I've got loftier goals. I want to help at my children's school most of the day, shop for random things - possibly for a charity I've decided is worthy of my time, when my kids get out of school I want to work with them on homework, take them to their extracurricular activities and volunteer my time at those too. My main thing is that I really don't want to cook and clean....or budget. I don't think those things are fun. Cooking is fun but it's always followed with cleaning and that is NOT fun. And budgeting means you're not rich and that's definitely not fun.

Anyway, because I'm not a useless housewife (I really should have planned out my life choices better), I am at work today - right now actually. And my kids are home with Dad - we work opposite schedules, me during the day and him in the evening, so our kids don't have to go to a babysitter or daycare after school or during the summer. It works for us. So, the kids are home with dad - they swim, go to the library, go out for ice cream and rent cheesy movies to watch. He keeps them entertained but I hate that I'm missing out on so much and I know the kids miss me (and my head full of crafty ideas) too. So today I'm going to write them a Treasure Hunt list. Not for taking a walk because it's hot and that will only keep them busy for an hour anyway. No, No - it'll be an all day event that they have to keep coming back to all day to finish.

Okay - I'm done with the list:

Mom's Treasure Hunt

One child brush their teeth while the other sings all of "On Top of Spaghetti" Can you both do it?

Find: something shaped like a star

Find: a DVD that you've never watched

Find: a green sock

Name as many countries as you can (have Dad write them down)

Have Dad watch you both do a back flip in the pool at the same time

Eat a red fruit

Stack 3 cushions from the family room couch on top of each other and one person balance on top (on their belly) for as long as it take them so sing "Yankee Doodle" Can you both do it?

Find: my black flip flops because I lost them

Find: a can of vegetables

Find: a children's book you've never read and read it

draw a picture for me

have a scoop of ice cream between 1:30pm and 2pm

play fetch with Veruca for at least 5 minutes

Find: my blue bathing suit because I'm going swimming when I get home!

There are methods to this madness. Obviously teeth brushing and fruit eating are healthy things they're doing everyday anyway and country naming and a book they've never read are learning activities. Most of the other things are just to keep them busy and challenged for some of the day but I'll leave notes in the cupboard with the canned veggies and on my flip flops which I will hide somewhere like under the bench in the kitchen. If I have a chance to stop by the store tonight I'll grab a bag of Hershey's kisses to put in the notes too. Just one for each child since they're missing out on kisses from Mom.

They'll want me to do another the next day but I think I'll save it for once every two weeks or something. I'm liking this idea of giving them a fun list of stuff to do though, so maybe each day I'll give them something they can do without me and without too much help from Dad because he's not to crafty. I'll brainstorm a good list and post it tomorrow for anyone who's kids are starting to get tired of summer. Weird kids.

Siblings Are Forever

2011-07-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

I've got friends I've had since junior high, some since elementary school, some who have fallen away and then come back again, some are people I've known for years but never been friends with until recently.....friends are like that. But siblings are forever. My brother is three years and six months younger than I am - almost the same as my daughter and son who are three years and two months apart. It's a good age distance but it's also the only one I've ever known.

With any kind of sibling I think you need a few different things to build a lasting relationship - first of all: abuse, you must cause each other some sort of physical, mental or emotional abuse because it will lay the foundation for the second which is: a common enemy. This is, of course, your parents. Here's how it should play out: first you torture your brother because you know him better than anyone so you know his fears and annoyances and then, when you've gotten a little older, when your parents attempt to enforce actual rules on you, the two of you band together because your parents are his (or her) enemy too. This creates an amazing bond that will grow with you. When you're in your twenties you will call each other and begin a sentence with, "I just talked to Mom (or Dad)......" and your sibling needs no back story - they were there, in the trenches with you, they know exactly what you're talking about.

Not that I condone letting your children wail on each other but I definitely let mine solve small disputes themselves. If it's gotten big enough so there's hitting or someone's crying then I intervene but otherwise I let them figure it out on their own. This is building a bridge over many years in tiny steps that will become a bond strong enough to last them a lifetime.

One thing that I stress to my children is that, "Your friends will come and go - no matter how much of 'besties' you are now - but your brother (or sister) is forever." I tell them that "every day you are becoming a person - becoming who you will grow up to be and your brother (or sister) is becoming a person too. Your sibling is the only person who will know you before you were you." And it's true. My brother and I used to lock each other out of the house or he would wrestle me to the floor and do that spit drop thing - you know the one? Where he would let the spit hang just above my face and then slurp it back up at the last minute? YUCK. He once told my boyfriend I couldn't come to the phone because I was pooping. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm 33 and he just turned 30 (today! Happy Birthday little brother!) and still he dutch ovens me.

The other day I busted both my kids for something and as I left the room I heard them grumbling to each other. All I could think was, "This is the start of a beautiful friendship." I probably should have warned my daughter that brothers are disgusting but I figured - what's the fun in that?