A tale of two Bernies

The undocumented lesbian goes hollywood (stand up routine)

2016-03-30T11:04:00.001-07:00

Undocumented lesbian

So I just came back from LA. Why la? To get discovered of course. Obviously I have a beach body. Not the kind you find posed on a beach blanket. The kind you find on one of those crime shows.,..bloated, dead, washing up on the beach. Producers, think of what you'd save on make up. I already look dead and bloated. It's a gift.

So I was working hard trying to get discovered...hanging by a hotel pool. Saw the same family for several days. So I asked are you on vacation too. They said no. We are local. We come to the pool like you go to interests in NYC,you know, museums...I thought, yeah thought provoking Museum of Modern Art...lying by a pool. But they were friendly. They introduced themselves. Pointed out their grown daughter. And that's our daughter sunning over there.... Bel air. I said, should have named her Bayonne. Shed be at work. That city knows how to work. Gotta be careful what you name your kid. No parent will be opening their grown child's bedroom door saying: Arthur Kill Swartz...you are going to be late for work. That's the name of a working channel. Arthur kill swartz will be at work. Right Bayonne.

I didn't get discovered. But I did get a break from this dreary election process. I was looking at the candidates...and my first thought is I don't find any of these guys attractive. And my second thought is, well of course you don't find the guys attractive....you're a lesbian. And Hillary. Kinda like an old wsr movie...a pants suit too f ar.. Think that's what it was called.

And such crazy talk. Fears of underwear bombs. Let me tell you ISIS. If you meet a woman one of the first things they want to know is what do you do. Telling them you put bombs in your underwear.....well we really want to meet someone but when a dude says he puts bombs in his underwear...that's just not attractive. And then our candidates are talking about banning all Muslims and Ted Cruz being a playa having multiple affairs...if America keeps talking crazy...we won't have to build a wall to keep people out. The world will build a wall around America to keep us in.
I am the undocumented lesbian. Any government ladies want to access my restricted areas....call me.

short horror film script: Photo Finish

2015-10-14T12:50:00.003-07:00

`Short Film Script

John J Pender

Time: 5 minute

Title: Photo Finish

CAMERA CLOSE UP OF SMART PHONE. GUY’S FINGERS ARE SCROLLING THROUGH PICTURES. ONE PICTURE IS OF HIM CARRYING CANNED GOODS ON A CARTON BOTTOM. ANOTHER ONE IS HIM CARRYING PRODUCE.

SFX: PHONE RINGS

GUY

‘Hey, I just got the pictures you sent from the homeless shelter. Tell me you’re not going to use one for a poster to get volunteers. You’re not? Well why not? Yeah, I do look happy. I like helping people.’

CAMERA SHOT PANNING EMPTY BEACH PARKING LOT. LOTS OF REEDS BLOWING IN THE BREEZE.

GUY

‘I’m spending the morning on the beach. Sandy Hook. Then I’m going to go move some stuff for my grandmother. I actually want to just lay on a beach blanket all day. Oh and I’m going to check out this little digital camera I got at that estate sale I was telling you about. It is weird…using dead people’s stuff. No the owner…he died young. Don’t know much. He surfed. And he was pissed off a lot. Nobody touches his things…talks to his woman…all that stuff. Got in a lot of fights.

CAMERA SHOT OF SIDE VIEW MIRROR. QUICK FLASH OF LIGHT. GUY LOOKS AT SIDE VIEW MIRROR.

GUY

‘ OK. Yeah I’ll see you Saturday at the shelter. I’ll be serving some slop. Ok. Later.’

CAMERA SHOWS GUY PUT DOWN PHONE NEXT TO DIGIAL CAMERA ON THE CAR SEAT.

CUT TO: GUY LOOKING AT HIS SIDE VIEW MIRROR.

GUY

‘Hmmm. Nothing there. ‘

CAMERA PANNING TO SHOW AN EMPTY BEACH AND DUNES. FADE TO A BEACH BLANKET BEING PUT DOWN, BACK PACK, CELL PHONE AND CAMERA.

CAMERA SHOT: GUY LAYS DOWN ON BLANKET

SFX: WAVES CRASHING. SEA GULLS.

CAMERA SHOT: GUY SITS UP.

CAMERA PANNING TO SHOW EMPTY BEACH.

GUY PICKS UP CAMERA AND TAKES A PICTURE OF THE BEACH AND OCEAN. IT IS EMPTY

GUY LAYS BACK DOWN. GUY REACHES AROUND, PICKS UP CAMERA, HOLDS IT UP TO LOOK AT VIEW FINDER. IT SHOWS A BLACK FIGURE, FAR AWAY IN THE SURF.

GUY

‘That’s weird. I didn’t see him.’

CAMERA SHOT: GUY SITS UP.

CAMERA LONG SHOT OF AN EMPTY BEACH. QUICKLY, PANNING TO THE DUNES BEHIND THE GUY.

GUY TAKES SAME SHOT, ANOTHER PICTURE OF THE BEACH AND WAVES. HE LOOKS DOWN THE BEACH. CAMERA SHOWS AN EMPTY BEACH.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF CAMERA VIEW FINDER. PICTURE SHOWS DARK FIGURE COMING OUT OF THE SURF, WAY DOWN THE BEACH. FINGERS OF GUY’ S FINGERS SCROLLING BACK TO SHOW FIRST PICTURE WITH FIGURE IN THE SURF AND NEXT PICTURE WITH FIGURE COMING OUT OF THE SURF.

CUT TO : CAMERA LONG SHOT OF THE BEACH IT IS EMPTY.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF GUY’S FINGERS SCROLLING BETWEEN THE FIRST PICTURE OF THE FIGURE IN THE SURF AND THE NEXT PHOTO OF IT COMING OUT OF THE SURF.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF FIRST PICTURE’S DATE, IT’S CURRENT, SCROLL TO SECOND PICTURE’S DATE, IT’S CURRENT.

CUT TO: GUY TAKES ANOTHER PICTURE TOWARDS THE FAR END OF THE BEACH AGAIN.

CUT TO: CAMERA VIEW FINDER, THERE IS A PICTURE WITH THE DARK FIGURE WALKING TOWARDS GUY’S END OF THE BEACH.

CUT TO: GUY’S FINGERS SCROLLING TO FIRST PICTURE OF FIGURE IN THE SURF, SECOND PICTURE OF FIGURE COMING OUT OF THE SURF AND THIRD PICTURE OF FIGURE WALKING TOWARDS GUY’S END OF THE BEACH.

CUT TO: LONG SHOT OF THE BEACH. IT IS EMPTY

CUT TO: GUY PICKS UP HIS CELL PHONE

GUY

‘Hey it’s me. I know, you know…you have Caller ID. Listen. I’m on the beach and I’m…remember I told you I went to that estate sale…some surfer guy died…anyway…I bought his camera. Wait, who cares what I paid for it…just listen. So I’m on this empty beach…yes because everyone else is working like you…listen.

SFX: REEDS ON DUNES BRUSHING AGAINST EACH OTHER

CUT TO: QUICK CAMERA SHOT OF DUNES, THEN QUICK CAMERA LONG SHOT OF BEACH WHERE GUY SAW THE DARK FIGURE….BEACH IS EMPTY.

GUY

‘Yeah I’m jumpy…I thought I heard something in the dunes. Anyway, so the beach is completely empty but when I take a picture of the beach there’s this dark figure on it. Yes it’s dark. Cause if it has blond hair it could be Donald Trump and that’s scary…funny. I’m serious. What are you talking about zombies…this isn’t a movie. This is happening to me on the beach. The first shot shows the figure in the surf, the second it’s coming out of the surf and in the third picture he is walking towards my end of the beach. No the dates on the picture are today. Right… I thought that too. Maybe the pictures were already on the camera. OK hold on I’ll take another one.

CAMERA SHOT OF GUY TAKING A PICTURE OF THE EMPTY BEACH AND SURF.

CUT TO: CAMERA VIEW FINDER. PICTURE OF THE DARK FIGURE WHO IS CLOSER, AND HIS HEAD IS TURNED TOWARDS THE GUY AS IF HE’S SPOTTED THE GUY.

GUY

‘He’s seen me. Yes the guy who isn’t there. No I’m serious. He’s on my end of the beach, and he’s looking towards me in the photo.

CUT TO: CAMERA SHOT OF EMPTY BEACH

GUY

‘No. The beach is still empty.’

CUT TO: CAMERA SHOT OF CAMERA VIEWFINDER. GUY’S FINGERS SCROLL FROM FIRST PICTURE OF FIGURE IN THE SURF, NEXT COMING OUT OF THE SURF, NEXT WALKING TOWARDS GUY’S END OF THE BEACH, AND NEXT PHOTO ON GUY’S END OF BEACH WITH THE FIGURE LOOKING TOWARD’S GUY.

GUY

‘That’s a good idea. OK. Hold up I’ll take a picture of the beach with my phone.’

CAMERA SHOT OF GUY TAKING A PICTURE WITH HIS PHONE.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP SHOT OF THE CELL PHONE. PICTURE APPEARS. PHOTO OF AN EMPTY BEACH.

GUY

‘OK. When I take a picture with my cell phone…it’s the empty beach. He’s not there. What do you mean exactly? OK right. He’s not there. That’s the point. No I don’t feel guilty for buying some dead guy’s camera. He’s dead. He’s not going to miss it. Besides the pictures aren’t in my mind. They are on the camera. Listen. The pictures are on the camera.

CUT TO: GUY LOOKING AT CELL PHONE PHOTO OF AN EMPTY BEACH.

CUT TO: GUY’S FINGERS SCROLLING ON CAMERA. FIRST PICTURE, DARK FIGURE IN THE SURF, NEXT PICTURE FIGURE COMING OUT OF THE SURF, NEXT PICTURE FIGURE WALKING TOWARDS GUY’S END OF THE BEACH AND PICTURE OF FIGURE LOOKING TOWARDS GUY.

GUY

‘I’m gonna take one more picture. Stay on the phone…

CUT TO: GUY TAKING PICTURE OF THE EMPTY BEACH.

CUT TO: CAMERA SHOT OF EMPTY BEACH WHERE GUY WAS TAKING THE PICTURE.

CUT TO: CAMERA VIEW FINDER. GUY’S FIGURE SCROLLING PICTURES. FIRST PICTURE OF FIGURE IN THE SURF, FIGURE COMING OUT OF THE SURF, FIGURE WALKING TOWARDS GUY’S END OF BEACH, FIGURE LOOKING AT GUY, LAST PICTURE OF FIGURE, WITH A PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD IN HIS HAND, WALKING ANGRILY TOWARDS GUY .

CAMERA SHOT OF GUY ON CELL PHONE.

GUY

‘Bobbie he’s coming towards me. I don’t know he looks so angry. No not on the beach. In the last picture. And he’s carrying something…like a club…driftwood, something.

CUT TO: QUICK CAMERA SHOT OF DUNES AND THEN PANNING TO EMPTY BEACH.

GUY

‘I’m not...I mean I won’t. I’m not taking any more pictures. In fact…I’m getting out of here. This is creeping me out. OK good idea…stay on the cell while I walk to my car.’

CUT TO: CAMERA FACING UP AT GUY ON BEACH BLANKET.

SFX: CAMERA CLICKS AS IF TAKING A PICTURE.

CUT TO: CELL PHONE DROPPING TO THE BEACH BLANKET. IT HAS BLOOD ON IT.

CREDITS ROLL

The Undocumented Lesbian

2015-08-19T19:18:00.001-07:00

PAGE 1

SHORT FILM SCRIPTt:

TITLE: The Undocumented Lesbian

By John J. Pender Jr.

CAMERA SHOT: TOP OF SOMBRERO. IT STRAIGHTENS AND WE LOOK INTO THE FACE OF A WOMAN.

LESBIAN

‘Another stinking border town.’

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN POINTS UP.

CUT TO:

OUTDOORS: CAMERA SHOT: SIGN: Welcome to Sayreville.

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: CLOSE UP OF LESBIAN’S FACE

LESBIAN

‘You don’t see us…. But we are everywhere. On the border…working in your house of worship.’

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: SIGN: GENTLEMAN’S CLUB, Naked Women Dancers.

LESBIAN

‘Making our way across the river’

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: Sign: Raritan River

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN’S FACE.

PAGE 2

LESBIAN

‘And respected, with offices in your corporations.’

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN, WORKING AT A DESK IN A PARKING GARAGE. CAR PULLS UP TO PARK WITH MUSIC BLARING.

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN AT HER DESK. WAVING AWAY CAR EXHAUST.

LESBIAN

‘Hey! I’m working here!’

CAMERA SHOT: CLOSE UP LESBIAN’S FACE

LESBIAN

‘And why wouldn’t we be corporate? We know how to fit in…like how to dress for Casual Friday.’

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: ELEVADOR, PEOPLE IN CORPORATE CASUAL WEAR.

SFX: OFF CAMERA: ‘Hold it?’

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN ENTERS ELEVADOR. SHE IS DRESSED IN A CONSTRUCTION HAT JEANS AND WORK BOOTS. NOTICES A WOMAN STARING AT HER.

LESBIANTIPS HER HAT.

LESBIAN

‘I know. Cute huh? Hat works on the beach too. ‘

SFX: TAPS METAL CONSTRUCTION HAT

LESBIAN

‘windy day at the beach…this hat ain’t flying nowhere….’

CUT TO:

PAGE 3

CAMERA SHOT: ELEVATOR OF BIZ CASUAL-DRESSED PEOPLE STARRING AT HER

CUT TO CLOSE UP:

LESBIAN TO SKINNY MAN

LESBIAN

‘Try wearing a wide-brimmed, floppy, girly-hat on Fire Island on a windy day…right honey? ‘

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: SKINNY MAN TRIES TO STAND MORE MANLY

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: CLOSE-UP OF LESBIAN

LESBIAN

‘ We are brilliant citizens…just like you.’

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT: OUTDOORS. MAN, HEAD DOWN, TEXTING AND WALKING INTO A POLE.

LESBIAN

‘America. Think. How lost you would be without us.’

CUT TO:

OUTDOORS: CAMERA SHOT: HOME DEPO SIGN

INT.: CAMERA SHOT: MAN IN HOME DEPO TOOL DEPARTMENT.

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT OF EMPTY AISLE

CUT TO:

CAMERA CLOSE UP OF MAN

PAGE 4

MAN

‘Hello? Anybody here? I need a phillips head… I’m fun. Please wait on me.’

LESBIAN

‘We are business people.’

INTERIOR: Lesbian bringing work boots to a woman in a shoe store.

LESBIAN

‘Sexy or what….and they have a steel toe.’

INT.: CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN’S FACE

LESBIAN

‘And we need a road to citizenship.’

LESBIAN

‘Hell… we can build our own road to citizenship.’

OUTDOORS: CAMERA SHOT: WOMAN WORKING ON THE ROAD CREW

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT OF LESBIAN FACE

LESBIAN

‘All we need is tolerance. America…can you do it?’

INT.: CAMERA SHOT: MAN’S FACE

MAN

‘Tolerance. I can do it!’

PAGE 5

INT. CAMERA CLOSE UP OF WOMAN’S FACE

WOMAN

‘Tolerance. I can do it!

INT. : CAMERA SHOT: GROUP OF PEOPLE

GROUP OF PEOPLE

‘Tolerance. We can do it!’

CAMERA SHOT: CLOSE UP OF LESBIAN’S FACE

LESBIAN

‘Tolerance. America. I know you can do it.’

LESBIAN LOOKS OFF CAMERA

LESBIAN

‘Let’s go honey.’

CAMERA SHOT: LESBIAN KISSES A BLACK WOMAN

CUT TO:

CAMERA SHOT:

INTER RACIAL LESBIAN COUPLE WALK OFF HOLDING HANDS.

CUT TO:

INT.: CAMERA SHOT: CLOSE UP OF WHITE WOMAN

PAGE 6

WHITE WOMAN

‘A White and a Black woman together? Oh hell no!’

CAMERA SHOT: CREDITS

there's a fine eyeliner between the lies and the truth

2015-08-05T06:27:00.001-07:00

The Irish lace curtains, flow in on the sea breeze. John is curled up in a chair, watching them catch the sunlight….highlighting the lace work. Aunt Margaret rushes into the room.

Aunt Margaret

Nothing is made like it used to be. It’s all junk.

John sitting up

Did something fall off the house…a gutter or shingle or something?

Aunt Margaret

No. I’m talking about my make up. I’ve been buying this same make up for 25 years. And it used to make my skin look great.

John thinking

Choice 1 Could say: You buried the lead…25 years ago.

Choice 2 Just shut up, shut up shut up. Can’t... she’s waiting for a response.

John

Your skin looks good without make up

John thinking

…especially for someone who lives at the beach. Shut up shut up shut up

Aunt Margaret

That was soo nice John. Want me to make you something for lunch?

John thinks

Remembers how Aunt Margaret cooks. Everything blackened. Oh God no.

John

No I’m good.

Aunt Margaret leaves the room. The Irish lace curtains look like angel wings, flowing in the breeze. Arch Angel Michael you can slap me silly for lying…but I’m liking myself right now.

So, what do you think?

2015-04-22T07:56:00.002-07:00

John lifts up his painting

John

So what do you think?

Adjin

Why would you paint a picture of the ocean when you can just take a picture with your cell?

John starts writing something down.

Adjin

Good one right? What are your writing down?

John

I’m writing down the dumbest things ever said to me.

Patty

Well, you got the color of the water wrong.

Adjin

And you’ve got the color of your hair wrong. You have blond hair….not black. Don’t you write that down.

John

Who says that’s me?

Adjin

It’s always you. You kinda think of you a lot. I like the painting.

John to Patty.

John

Patty, how is the nursing school going?

Patty

Good.

John to Adjin.

John

See, you are wrong. I do think of others.

Adjin

Yeah, for like two minutes.

John turns the painting to Adjin again.

John

Right. So what do you think

Adjin

I’d put a shark in it. Big one. Hey, don’t you write that down. I’m serious.

Once upon God

2014-12-12T07:46:00.003-08:00

John hears the angry ocean long before he sees it. The dark sky reveals few stars in the salty mist and the sand dunes hug the boardwalk as if they are trying to leave the beach. As far as John can see…there is no one on the boardwalk. He walks north and the outlines of summer fairy tales seem gray and abandoned. Even the orange and sea foam green sherbert colors of the beachcomber bar seem hopeless. The Beachcomber’s little green lighthouse, on the bar’s ocean view, upper deck, guides no one tonight. As he walks further, Spicey Cantina’s fiesta is deathly silent. He walks over to the edge of the boardwalk and views a broad, empty beach . A shroud leading up to the unnerving, unknown, pounding sea. Dressed for a funeral, the ocean is all in black with outlines of foamy white.

The bench he sits on was donated in loving memory of someone who had been there in a time when people believed in something more than the best Black Friday Sale. Is that a footfall, creaking the boards-he glances fast in either direction. There is no one but a rolling, ghost of the mist crossing the boardwalk. Feeling chilled and jumpy, John moves on. After all, there are no Life Guards on that beach. If you go towards the darkness of that ocean…you are on your own. Walking further north, he sees the fairy tale castle outlines of the casino pier.

Random thoughts: The History Channel makes it seem like religion is fairy tales. But in a world of ‘it’s all good’…why is there so much bad? Where the Ten Commandments are seen as telling us who we should be... when we should be finding ourselves…If everyone is free to find themselves with no guidelines...why are so many feeling lost?

He walks off the boardwalk and past a dry water park that stretches for a block. Childless, the colorful slides do not scream with excitement…but howl in the wind. Turning down the boulevard he walks past the dark bars with the pink palms where people go to find a summer romance or maybe the one-and into an area with small beach homes. No families gather to catch this ocean breeze. Up the block, no mass is in session at the church. Not that people don’t attend church-they do…he does. It’s just that the outside church the world doesn’t seem to have God in it sometimes. On Twitter...Dave Sterrett made me think with a link to the movie 180.. There’s always pressure to be cool with people-to share whatever they are into from partying…which often involves drugs- to seemingly supportive values… rumored mistakes which then lead to discussions of a woman’s right to choose and not mention what we know a fetus is. We know but aren’t supposed to say. And sometimes…like tonight…there seems to be no light in the world…no guidance. Yet we keep moving forward.

The wild oats and tall, dry wildflowers on dunes rustle in the warmer breeze off Silver Bay. John sits on a bench and looks out over the little waves which seem to be dancing. Out of the empty void of the sky…the silver-white moon peaks out. Clouds, outline in sterling, scamper. Sea grasses sparkle and wave in sea foam greens. The bay is alive. The stars wink. Across the bay- twinkling lights of family homes and docks welcome.

On earth there is hope and life…but it comes from the heavens. John decides being cool with people isn’t as important as being cool with God. John turns to walk home to his Aunt’s house…He remembers she is going to actually try to cook us something. God help us. John laughs.

Of fears and being fearless against ISIS: the death cult perverts.

2014-10-23T15:51:00.002-07:00

The mist whirls across the empty boardwalk. Adjin, Patty and John walk past the palm trees and empty picnic tables. The sea oats wave in the breeze looking almost like a skeleton’s hand. The final bar will mark the end of a gathering place. Ahead, it’s tall dunes that anyone or anything could hide behind.

Patty

Hey what about Canada…killing the soldier and getting into Parliament. In Canada!

John

Big brave ISIS. Shot the unarmed soldier in the back. Adjin what did your dad say? They are perverts….perverting the true nature of Islam.

Adjin

Did he? Sounds about right. I see them as a weird death cult…killing people to get God’s favor.

John jumps as a red fox runs between the dark dunes.

Patty

You aren’t afraid of the ISIS nuts…beheading people but you are afraid of a red fox?

John

I think I’ve been watching too much scary TV. Stalker on Wednesdays…downloading American Horror…for Thursday’s. Discovery ID …murder all the time. But the town does get creepy when there’s no one around.

John looks behind him and sees the bar light fading…like a light house in the midst….as if to say…you are on your own.

Patty

I was walking on the boulevard in broad daylight. And I saw this tall guy with dirty long hair walking towards me. And I thought, I’m not crossing the street. He’s the creep. Let him cross. But as we passed each other…he stared at me…in the eyes and then looked me up and down. He was really dirty. I’ll be someone rented their beach house to him cheap. That’s something to be afraid of down here in the winter.

The sound of creaking shot between the dunes or was it from across ocean boulevard?

Patty looks at John and smiles.

Wanna check out what that is?

John

What if someone is over there making it creak…so we come over and check it out?

Patty

That’s it. We have to check it out…just so you can face your fears.

John

Curiosity killed the cat.

Adjin

Meow

Sandy and John cross the street towards the darkened house where the creaking noise is coming from. The house has a raised front porch, with pillars holding up the house. It creates a pitch black area under the raised porch.

John

You’re right Patty. It’s nothing. This is close enough.

Patty looks behind her at John and continues towards the creaking. It’s coming from the darkness, under the porch. Something is moving under there. Or someone…. Patty rushes under the porch. She screams. John screams and runs in after her. A man’s voice screams from under the porch. Adjin comes in from the other side of the step and says:

Adjin

Boooo

A man from under the porch

Man

There is no money here.

Patty, John and Adjin move from under the porch. An Indian man follows them. He is carrying a wrench.

Patty

We’re so sorry. Do you live here?

Indian Man

Yes. I was lighting up the house for Diwali The fuse box is rusty from the salt air.

John

Sorry we scared you. I live up the street.

Indian Man

Nice to meet you…boo to you son.

They walk away. John says to Adjin.

John

Boo? Really Adjin? Do you think this is the time for Muslim guys to be jumping out and saying Boo?

Adjin

Yes. And screw ISIS. I say both.

The wind howls like a banshee down the boardwalk

2014-09-24T06:29:00.002-07:00

The wind howls like a banshee down the boardwalk.

The pink lights of lucky leo’s arcade are a sign of life on a dead off-season boardwalk. The bat black ocean sneered at the few souls braving the moonless night. The boardwalk is so weird this time of year, John thought. Each board is so heavy…and yet it creaks with every step. John keeps turning around…and then laughing to himself at the emptiness. He knows his weight pushes the boards down but when it pops back up behind him…well he’s just going to make sure it’s the board popping up behind him. No harm in walking a little faster. And that wind sounds alive. Or dead. One time in the Pine Barrens…he and Adjin were searching for the Jersey Devil and heard the howl of probably….a coyote and a screech owl…way too close. He begins to walk faster towards those glowing arcade lights. Inside his friends would be there and all of this would seem silly. Like who is going to grab him? He has no enemies. He has no money. If he walks closer to the buildings they may block the wind. And besides, the ocean is way too dark. What if there’s a rogue wave. The ocean could just reach out and take you out to sea. Sandy did that. Made you feel unsafe here….far away from New York City…where the latest nut jobs from the Middle East…that ISIS…is making everyone look for something.

John walks towards the buildings. And they do block the North West wind. West…the best witch was from the West…the Wicked Witch of the West. She was after those ruby red slippers. And I’m wearing red sneakers John thinks. The wicked wind is rattling the steel grates in front of the closed stands. Like the wind is trying to get in. Or something is trying to get out, John thinks.

All of a sudden, a figure in a hoodie jumps out in front of John.

Adjin

Ahh…I’m the Stalker!

John

You’re an…Adjin!

John

That’s not funny.

Adjin pulls his hoodie off his head.

Adjin

Well, aren’t you all about the Stalker. I got your tweets talking about that new show…with that American Horror guy in it.

John

Dylan McDermott…still not funny Adjin.

They walk into the arcade. Every game is screaming fun and strobing lights Adjin spots the Wizard of Oz game.

Adjin

Hey, we gotta time winning that game when Jeremy tries to hit on some girl.

John

Why?

Adjin

Cause he’s short and it plays Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Picture, Jeremy leans on some machine. Hey baby, scary night out there. If you need me to walk you home…I’d protect you. Right then, we make the machine play the munchkins singing: follow, follow, follow follow the yellow brick road. Adjin laughs at his own joke.

John

You are your biggest fan.

Adjin

Hey, maybe he could walk you home…protect you. You delicate thing.

John

Shut up

Adjin

You should have seen your face when I jumped out…the Stalker!

John

The Sucker…you suck.

Patty walks up in a tight, sport shirt.

John

Hey, you look good. How’s the nursing going?

Patty

It’s Alyssa Milano…Touch AM.

Adjin goes to touch her shirt.

Patty playfully slaps his hand away.

Patty

I didn’t say for you to touch. Hey, this is played out today. Wanna walk around the town…before it gets too cold to go for our walks?

Adjin

Would you protect Johnny out there. He’s scared.

John

The nut, pulls up his hoody…so you can’t even see his face…and jumps out from behind a closed building on the boardwalk…right in front of me.

Patty laughs

You used your hoodie? Serves you right John. I’ve read your tweets about that Stalker show.

Adjin

With that American Horror guy.

John

Dylan McDermott. Dylan McDermott. Dylan McDermott.

Girls nearby

Here? In Seaside Heights?

Patty

Yes. Hollywood stars hang out in Lucky Leo’s arcade in Seaside Heights. They can be themselves.

Jeremy walks up to a girl. Just as Adjin hits the Wizard of OZ machine and it plays: follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

Adjin

Well Patty, the Munchkins hang out here.

Patty

Well I don’t want to hang out here tonight. Come on. Let’s leave this clambake.

As they go back out onto the boardwalk, a mist has rolled in from the bayside of the island. Whispers of grey white run across the boardwalk and onto the sand. They are like the ghosts of summer…people long gone. John pauses for a moment as Adjin and Patty hit the boards.

Adjin

I’ll protect you Johnny.

John

Great, I’m being protected by the first Stalker wanna be.

Adjin

Starring that American Horror guy

John

Dylan McDermott dam….You are not going to make me curse.

Patty and Adjin scream out curses that echo down the empty boardwalk. Anyone out there…knows they are coming.

The Undocumented Lesbian

2014-09-08T05:31:00.004-07:00

The Undocumented Lesbian Routine

WOMAN IN A SOBREO WALKS TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE

Woman

Oh la. Or to you boys in Greenwich Village…la de da. Ha, I can’t believe I’m in Greenwich Village. Another stinking border town. All the straight people…with all the opportunity just across the 34 street. If you can pass for straight. Every corporate office…so straight north of 34^th st. Except for Macy’s. Oh please. Even Martha Stewart has to tell the Macy’s Sales Associates enough with the arts and crafts. Especially the ones in Men’s suits. They ask: ‘Want me to measure your crotch sir?’ Customer answers: ‘But we’re in cookware. I’m here to buy a crockpot.’ But the rest of Midtown Manhattan, it’s so straight Arnold Swartzenwhatever would say: I’ll be back…when you hang a little lace.

I can pass for straight. At lunchtime, if I’m walking with my colleagues, I just remember to check out the masculine construction worker in the muscle t, tight jeans and work boots. And I have to remember not ask him, where did you get that outfit? I think I could rock that look at my local lesbian bar: No Man’s Land. Or when I’m at a corporate meeting and they look at me and say: ‘we’d like to have a woman’s point of view on this.’ I have to remember not to say: ‘so bring in the chicks already.’ All those meetings. All that coffee. Reminds me…I have to stop trying to pee at the urinals. Even if I hold up my pinky…just not lady like standing at a urinal…in Midtown anyway. Critics. Don’t you hate critics. Some people do things. Others do do things. Of course that’s a crappy joke. I’m keeping you off balance. But I’m doing well. I have a corner office. It’s in the garage. Still.. you know a garage…that’s Lesbian heaven. And I have a secretary. Oh no you didn’t. You didn’t think my secretary is a hot girl. My secretary is a man. He’s the ticket man at the garage entrance. And my company says he’s there to assist me. Mostly by giving me my parking ticket when I drive into the garage. But when things slow down at the ticket booth….he runs back to ask how I’m doing. I tell him my desk is in a garage. How do you think I’m doing?

I’m getting all the respect you’d expect a woman who hooks up with women would get. Even if someone finds out and acts like they respect me, eventually the corporate colleague guy will ask: ‘so…which one of you is the guy?’ I answer: ‘in a Lesbian relationship there are no guys…get it?’ Harsh? Well. Do I ask straight couples: ‘who’s the man?...Mrs Clinton.’ Oh please. I can spot a Lesbian pants suit at 500 paces. And if you are fat…black is very slimming….if you are in a room with no windows or lights…or Kim Kirdash-a lot. Speaking of tight black pants, Marie Osmond and weight watchers. Oh, my God…oh your God…Once you get past the white teeth…that body. Wanna get into that old time religion Marie? The one where we’d both be wives to the same man. Halleluiah Chorus indeed. Actually, I’m all about the Gay Men’s Chorus. Well, I would be about the Gay Men’s Chorus with a few changes….like making them have vaginas…which they might not mind and breasts…I know ewwwwwwwwww. Now I’ve gone too far.

Going too far is what we are all about in Greenwich Village. Or what we should be. Please. All of America can be about little leagues, and scott’s lawn care, and being respectable. We have to be about no respect. Come to me Corporate America! Your lack of respect for me? I will embrace it…as I cop a feel. I will keep you abreast of ways to make more profits…as I slyly check out your breasts. We are not that different competitive Corporate America. In competitive business…it’s tit for tat. For Lesbians, it’s tit for tit. The difference is one little letter. And maybe a lawsuit for unwanted fondling. And I will not drop pencils to see women bend over and pick them up for me. I’m not busy looking up lap dances on my lap top. Don’t we love that hide screen button corporate boys? See Corporate boys. We have so much in common. No not just your wife. Oh act surprised. Did you really think Mr Clean was putting that smile on her face. Mr Clean? More like me: down and dirty. See, we can learn from each other. I’ll make you a better man. And you’ll make me a better man too. Nah. That’s a myth.

UNDOCUMENTED LESBIAN PUTS HER FOOT UP ON A CHAIR.

I am all woman. (To audience member) I saw that sir. You were looking at my crotch for a bulge.Oh yes you were. Well… the only bulges are in my arms. That’s right. I bench 200. No not at a gym. If you wait til the end of the night at a Lesbian bar… and you wanna pick up a girl…you gotta be able to lift 200 pounds. Ladies b fat when the lights come up.

So that’s my fractured life. And I enjoy both sides of it. I love nothing better than to be in Midtown, put on my work boots and eat lunch by the Fox News corporate headquarters. The irony of a Lesbian sitting next to the logo of a conservative company is not lost on tourists. We takee picture? Yesee I mean yes. Make sure you get the Fox logo in. And I am a fox. Or another f word if you ask the guard at Fox News headquarters. I report. You decide. No that’s not the right answer says Bill O’Reilly. You are disagreeing with me. Disagreeing? That’s spin. This is the no spin zone. When I watch that network, I feel like I don’t exist. But when I see all the pretty Fox women on my tv…I don’t care. Hate me. Just let me watch them sit in those short dresses. Very short. That’s Fox being eco friendly: short dresses, less material. I care about the ecology too. I’ll save the whales. I told you I do save the whales…end of the night, No Man’s Land. Be there. Bring your harpoon. We Lesbians are very complex. Don’t stereotype us. Let me do that.

Cleopatra Swartz

2014-06-05T08:19:00.001-07:00

Whenever Mrs Swartz enters the agency, it’s always with an entourage. More than walking in, she seems to being carried by good looking men. But today, she didn’t glide past John’s office. Cleopatra Swartz dump three brightly colored Hermes hand bags on his desk.

Mrs Swartz

Fun, fun fun. This is going to be a fun day for you.

John

I don’t usually carry a hand bag. But these are beautiful.

Mrs Swartz

They are Hermes. $3000.000 each.

John

Wow. Impressive.

Mrs Swartz

We are going to photograph them and have a chef create a cake for my birthday. These are going to get me mentioned in the society section of the Times.

John

Oh. They have a section for that.

Mrs Swartz

Well it’s not for everybody. Anyway, I need a brilliant headline from you about my birthday. I will be noticed.

John

You have awesome eyes. You should do them up Egyptian style like Katy Perry. The headline could be:

Cleopatra Swartz.

Timeless beauty is having the time of her life. And make your party for charity...it'll get press.

Mrs Swartz tears up.

It’s weird and wonderful. Charity. I'll build a public tennis court in the Hamptons. People have such long wait times in the summer. Perfection. She grabs her bags and heads towards David’s, Art Director’s office. In a few minutes David runs into John’s office.

David

Do you believe this sh…. They are disgusting. They are disgusting people. I hope she doesn’t even get in that paper when she dies.

John

Oh David. I just remember they gave me a job as a writer.

David

$9000 for handbags. Then our time. Then hiring a chef to make her f-ing birthday cake. Then I have to submit some little article. And then they pay a lot of people around here nothing. No healthcare.

John

I’m just glad she didn’t knock my cherry coke over on them when she threw them on my desk. What is her job here anyway...besides being Bernie's wife. I always see her coming in and out.

David

She’s the f-ing VP of Shopping.

David turns to leave and then turns back to John.

David

Did you think a headline yet. Mr instant cliché?

John

Well she always comes in with these pretty slave men doing things for her. So I thought:

Cleopatra Swartz

A timeless beauty is having the time of her life.

David

She’s a queen? You playing up to her? F-you Johnny. Oh, I’m just going to do this
and get it off my desk.

David turns and leaves. John thinks: David always acts like that around them. Like he's gotta prove he's a real compassionate liberal Jew and they're not. I don't think the Swartzs' have a religion And New Yorkers are always saying f this or f that or f-you or this is sh-t.

John emails

To David:

F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F F FF F FFF FF FF F FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Not very creative.

Just then The Creative Director Keith walks by, bends over to look at John’s PC’s screen as he happily says:

Keith

Are we having a productive day? Oh. A lot of media won’t run that…even if you don’t spell out the word. But I’m glad you are getting past that Catholic,I won't curse. Although you only said the letter...still a little holier than thou aversion to cursing.

John

I’m not holier than thou. I am holier then thee.

#randomjeopardy

2014-04-12T07:28:00.001-07:00

Q What is a sign of the end of days? A When Hannah Montana dances like Idaho.

Q. Number 1 on bucket list. A. Waking up. * #randomjeopardy * @joanrivers on @FallonTonight
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 1h

Q. Why not? A. New York. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 1h

Q Why? A. New Jersey #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 1h

Q. Why eat a chocolate Easter Bunny?.A. Because Christ has risen. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. the cost is too high. A. What is McDonald's free coffee? #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. Taco Bell Breakfast A. How to rise & hurl. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q search Congress. A. How to find work where you don't have to work. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. I'll have Senator Ted Cruz A. How to order green eggs with lot's of ham. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. I give you Senator Harry Reid A How to introduce a spouse who is just blowing money. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. Kim Kardashian A. What's a wise crack to say to a plumber who is showing too much crack. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. I'm Madonna. A. What to say to a zombie so he doesn't eat you. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q. Vladimir Putin A. What to say when it's last call and you want to be randomly invaded. #randomjeopardy
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john pender jr ‏@nextwave05 2h

Q Anthony Bourdain, Parts Unknown. A: What do women say when they see Anthony Bourdain naked. #randomjeopardy 8-p
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Because I'm Happy

2014-03-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

John writes quietly at his desk in the agency. The sun is pouring through the window. It's one of those moments when you just feel good to be alive.

Stacy, enters his office. She hits her Iphone and does a little dance as 'Because I'm Happy' plays.

David, the Art Director, dressed in black pokes his head in

I hate that f-ing song.

Both leave the office. John, looks out the sunny window and feels blessed.

Old man river just keeps driving along?

2013-11-06T08:10:00.002-08:00

Dave walks into John’s office.

Dave

Old man river, that old man river, he just keeps driving along.

John looks up annoyed.

John

Why the hell would a river drive? Why would any writer write that? Like did Sponge Bob Square Pants jump in the Mississippi, soak it up, and get in a car and drive? And there were no cars in the 1800’s so why would anyone drive anything?

Dave

There was no Sponge Bob Square Pants in the 1800’s either.

John

Liar!

Keith, the Creative Director sticks his head in the doorway.

Keith

That’s what I like to hear…..passion when creating a new campaign. But John, don’t say hell. A client could be touring the office…so we don’t wanna hear hell.

Dave

No, the clients usually say: what the fu… What are these copywriting and art direction charges.

John

20 minutes explaining that rivers flow they do not drive.

Dave

We are like slaves here…that’s why I was singing that.

John

Black, Jewish, Egyptian? What kinda slaves? How far back we going?

Hey, a quote from Martin Luther King for that account. People being judged for the content of their character.

Let’s google that.

Dave

Could work. Wanna go out after work.

John sings

Get a little drunk and you land in jail……

Hi, I'm John. "Hi John"

2013-08-14T07:04:00.003-07:00

The silver spire of the Chrysler Building glimmers outside the conference room window. It almost outshines the sun shining off Bernie’s bald head.

Account Executives and assistants as well as artists and writers sit around the mahogany table. John sits with his friends, David, Stacey and Girl Patel nearby. John is slouched as if he can hide.

The Happy Office Consultant stands up next to Bernie.

The Happy Office Consultant

We all know what a pressure cooka Advertising is. So we are here with techniques to make nice. You know a happy office makes for

Bernie

More f-ing money which is why we are here.

The Happy Office Consultants continues Her thought

A happy office makes for happy days.

David

Happy Office. Not people. Like the office furniture will be happy.

Bernie

David don’t f-ing start.

David

OK, OK. Joking makes for a happy workplace to me….

The Happy Office Consultant

Very good David. But we haven’t even all introduced. So we are going to state our names and why we do what we do. And after the person says his or her name, we will all say: hi so and so. It’s all about being positive and supportive.

Sooo let’s start with our leader.

She gestures to Bernie.

Bernie

Hi, I’m Bernie,

The Happy Office Conaultant

Hi Bernie….see, like that.

Bernie

I’m in Advertising because I like people, creatives, straight guys…

John and David look at each other

The Happy Office Consultant gestures at Mel

Mel

Hi, I’m Bernie. I

Bernie

Are you stupid? Jesus S Christ.

Bernie looks at John

Sorry

John

I’ll tell Jesus

Bernie looks back at Mel.

No wonder we are losing accounts.

Bernie stands up, and thrusts his crotch towards a window.

Bernie

Why do I try with you idiots? I’m just pissing my money away. Pissing my money out this window.

He thrusts his crotch towards the window.

Bernie

Why don’t these windows open?

David

So people don’t piss out of them.

Bernie shoots David a dirty look.

The Happy Office Consultant trys to regain control.

Hi Mel!

Mel

I’m an Account Executive and I love my clients.

Bernie

F-love. F-ing get more money out of them.

The Happy Office Consultant

It’s all about respect and positivity towards each other.

She gestures towards Girl Patel

Girl Patel

Hi, I’m Girl Patel. And I’m a Lesbian.

Bernie slams his hand on the table

No. No. No.

You’re a f-ing Assistant Account Executive.

Girl Patel

I’m proud of being both.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to the entire table.

The entire table

Hi Girl Patel.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to David

David

Hi I’m David

John jumps the gun

Johnl

Hi David!

The entire table.

Hi David!

David turns to John.

Are you retarded?

John

Bad word. Alyssa Milano says that word hurts people.

David

Your friend.

Bernie

Your friends with that little girl on Who’s the Boss?

John

No. I follow her on Twitter. She was on Charmed. Now she’s on Mistresses.

Stacey

That’s the same actress.

The Happy Office Consultant

And what do you do David.

Stacey

Besides call your friends retarded.

Bernie

He dresses all in black. Like he’s going to a funeral every day. Why don’t you dress like a Puerto Rica like John…yellows and what the hell color is your shirt today?

John

Mango

Bernie

If a client asks, you call it orange. You look like you’re going to guide a plane in. But it’s a happy color David.

David

Yes. I’m David and I’m not the talented artist who makes this place millions. I’m the guy who dresses in black.

Bernie to David

Is my name on your check? Keep arting and buy a bright shirt for Christ sake.

Bernie to John

John

Oh, Christ sake? I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Bernie

Well you are-what do you call it- dating- having relations with Jesus.

John

I have a personal relationship with Jesus.

David

God. It’s like diapers. We all go through religion…then we loosen up and kose that sh-

The Happy Office Consultant

All about respect. G leads to A leads to Y Good vibes leads to All-around happiness leads to Y you, happy.

Bernie

G- a- y. That’s Gay. This office is not going Gay.

Girl Patel

Thank Gods

Bernie

God

Girl Patel

Says you.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to John

John looks shy

Hi I’m John.

The table says Hi John. David strokes John’s hand and says Hi John.

John pulls his hand away.

John

And I’m a writer. I think I became a writer because I’m not good at talking to people.

Bernie slams his palm on the table

No. No. No. You became a writer because you were recognized at an early age that you had a talent for it. For Chri…holy Moses. What if there was a client here people. You are not getting this .

Happy Office Consultant

It’s all about respecting each other’s feelings. G leads to A leads to Y.

Bernie gives the Happy Office Consultant a dirty look

Or not at all.

I froze my eggs

2013-08-06T18:04:00.001-07:00

John enters the living room of his Aunt's house. The sea breeze is pushing the Irish lace curtains forward. The billowing sight is especially welcoming after a 2 1/2 commute into crowded New York City.

Aunt Margaret

Oh I'm always so relieved to see you. Especially when there's a terrorist alert.

John

Well yeah, but you know I don't commute to Yemen. I commute to Yo-man New York City. Yo-man, I got some great stuff here....Hey I went to go to the rest room in Penn Station. And as I go to the urinal, this guy flashes a gold detective badge. So I think. Oh good. It's safe to pee. He sees me go to the urinal and says-get out of here.Guess he was after someone. But I said, oh I thought you making it safe to pee....he looked sooo mad.

Aunt Margaret

Well, nothing happened around here today. Except I froze my eggs.

John

Wow. You never talk about anything involving babies with me. What saving eggs to have a baby...like when you are in your sixties?

Aunt Margaret

I have supper warming. You'll have to try the eggs tomorrow. I think they're ok to eat.

John

I feel like I'm losing my mind again.

Aunt Margaret

My eggs. You don't listen. I must have had the refrigerator up to high. But Steffy said it's ok to eat frozen eggs..

John

You know, we always have so much to say to each other. Most of it doesn't make sense....but you can't have everything.

Ideas for Jessica's stand up routine

2013-07-30T06:09:00.005-07:00

The lights flicker on at Lucky Leo’s on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights NJ. Patty is staring at the construction worker, working on the sign. John looks to see what she is looking at. Just then, the construction worker turns and gives Patty a ‘hey there looks’ and then sees John and gives him a look like ‘what are you looking at?’

John turns to look at the boardwalk

Dammmit Patty. I know Madam Lillian said you were going to meet a tall, dark stranger….but she didn’t say I was going to get beat up over it.

Patty laughing

Too much to ask?

John and Patty walk on

So I’m thinking for Jessica Stein’s stand up routine. I definitely want to make fun of the NSA. People worried about all the Spanish people coming into this country. People who don’t like Gays and Jews.

Patty

Oh yeah, those topics are a riot?

John

I'm making fun of people who are too conservative too liberal too.

Patty

Anyway, I see another construction worker to check out. Thank you Hurricane Sandy. They’re stronger than the storm. …

John

God. So I was thinking about making Jessica come on in a hoodie. And looking like she’s sneaking across a border. And then she can talk about sneaking across the border of Gay Greenwich Village and straight-acting Mid Town Manhattan.

Patty

How are you going to write for a Lesbian?

John

I wrote an ad for Tampons.

Patty

Well you PMS more than any woman I know.

John

Thanks a lot.

Patty

You are most welcome.

Patty looks at a construction worker and John automatically looks to look at what she’s looking at.

This time, the worker checks John out.

Patty bursts into loud laughter. She trips on the boardwalk and John quickly grabs her arm.

John

I had a random thought for Jessica. She could talk about how even though she’s a Lesbian…I still checks out guys. Like the other day I saw this good looking guy climbing out of a manhole. Muscled arms, tight white t-shirt, jeans, work boots. And I thought….I could pull together that look for Saturday Night at No Man’s Land.

Patty

I think that’s funny.

Just then, because John was looking at Patty instead of where he was going, he walks into a large metal garbage can. It makes a loud thud. Teenaged girls on a nearby bench applaud.

John looks embarrassed.

Patty

…but not as funny as that.

Rise of the Undocumented Lesbian

2013-07-23T17:19:00.003-07:00

John is seated on the steps of the building made famous by Gremlins. Around the corner bounces Jessica Stein bursting with joyfulness.

John gets choked up almost in tears. They hug.

Jessica Stein

What the heck’s the matter with you?

John

I’m sooo glad you are ok after the way Bernie treated you…

Jessica Stein gets choked up.

Oh, my God. You are such a good little friend.

John breaks the tension.

We’re having an Oprah moment.

Jessica Stein

And you’re the straight one here. I’m great. I pulled some of Bernie’s accounts. He took me to court. I won. And we we’re a hit with my little stand up comedy thing.

John

He took you to court.

Jessica Stein

Well, before you were born…I signed a no compete contract. But the judge sided with me. He told Bernie we don’t believe in slavery in New York.

John

Wow. I’m so glad. And I have some ideas for your next stand up thing. I think you should call yourself ‘The Undocumented Lesbian’

Jessica Stein

Too funny. I love it.

John

I was thinking about how you wanted me to enjoy writing the routine too. So right now I want to make fun of the NSA cause they went too far in keeping us safe by listening to …

Jessica Stein

Our farts.

John

Blahaaaaaa You could tell me any thing you experienced as a Jewish Lesbian woman. But I thought we could do something about you running across the border of Greenwich Village and passing for a straight woman so you could get a job in Mid Town Manhattan way back then.

Jessica Stein

Way back then….anyone ever tell you you are charming?

John

Jessica Stein

They never will.

John

Blahaaaaaaaaaa. And being taken seriously even though you are shaped like Barbie…

Jessica Stein puts her hands on her ample hips.

Oh Ken.

John

I felt weird when you told the NYJew joke…

Jessica Stein

I’m Jewish. I can say that. We called it that. It’s a good thing. The dudes were getting good degrees and Jewish. And I was realizing I didn’t want any man and might die alone…oh good times.

John

Blahaaaaaa OK. And the audience thought our routine was funny.

Jessica Stein

I’m invited back. Which means you’ve got to write. And I’ve got to take you to NOBU. There’s so many things you haven’t eaten.

John

Is that a Lesbian Bar?

Jessica Stein

No. It’s a restaurant. Get your mind out of the gutter. No wait. Put it back in the gutter. You have to write for me. Be fierce.

I wrote everything.,,,

2013-07-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Stacey, John, David, Girl Patel, Patty leave the comedy club in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

David to John

She was really funny.

John

I'm so relieved.

David

the best part was her busting on you. And the randomness comments. What did you write?

John

All of it.

David

What do you mean? She joked about you getting coke cola served by the waiter...that was funny but she came up with that right?

John

No. We sat down and planned out the whole...thing. Like at work I did say to her, hey I discovered this great actress on Twitter. So she thought it was some new person to acting. And I said Mia Farrow. And she said OMG you make me feel old. And whenever I'd come in from lunch I'd have my super sized coke from McDonald's. And she'd be eating some diet salad thing at her desk. So she'd say: that better be diet coke. And I'd say it wasn't. And she'd say: You're young, you drink regular coke, you're thin. I hate you. And then she's Gay sometimes...so I asked about the misconceptions about Lesbians....so I wrote this stuff about flannel shirts, and lady truck drivers and then I saw a show about serial killer straight men truck drivers. So I thought it would be funny to have the stereotyped Lesbian truck drivers protecting the female hitch hikers...and then you know she's Jewish so we added that in....and Joan Rivers made fun of Rose Mcgowan from Charmed...so it's on.

David

So that was made up with the waiter. She was repeating how she beat on you at work about drinking big cokes....

John

Yup. She forgot one joke. You know I'm into Chelsea Handler and her gang of comics. So I wanted to goof on myself. I wanted her to say: he's so Catholic, he bought Josh Wolf's too funny book, It takes Balls and put a piece of tape over the 'B'....so his cover of the book reads It takes alls. But she forgot it or something. Thank God the audience laughed at everything else.

David

Tell me you didn't really put tape over the 'B ' in It takes Balls.

John

Hey David...across the street. Is that a rat? A real New York City rat?

David

Nice try. You did put tape over the 'B' in balls. Dude, I am so glad you ended up in New York. It's like your therapy.

John

Or I'm your therapy. And how does that make you feel...

David

Not like putting f-ing tape over the 'b' in balls.

John writes a stand up routine for Jessica Stein, Bernie's former assistant

2013-06-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

John, David, Girl Patel, Stacey, Adjin and Patty take a seat at a little comedy venue in New York City.

Patty to John

Nervous?

John

Well, Jessica thought what I wrote was funny. I hope the audience agrees. I told her I only wrote one other stand up routine.

Adjin

Well, it’s on her to bring it too.

John

I know but she just lost her job with Bernie after….working for him a long time.

The kinda spot lights come on and a skinny man comes on stage and walks to a big old microphone on a stand.

Skinny Man preens as if modeling his body.

Heroin chic . You like’n it?

The audience applauds.

Skinny Man

Well, we got a couple of newbies tonight. So here’s your chance to squash someone’s dreams. Bastards.

Audience laughs. Someone yells out:

my pleasure
Skinny man

First up we have the…I’m guessing, the at one time, lovely Jessica Stein.

Bernie’s former assistant marches on stage like she’s leading an army. She’s all alone in the spot light.

Jessica Stein

Thanks for the intro…you strong woman-hating piece of…

I promised my writer I wouldn’t curse a lot. He’s a Cath-o-lic. Stand up Joh…I mean Jose. Blonde haired John stands up. He’s wearing a surfer shirt.

Jessica Stein

I have to change his name to protect him. He still works where I used to. Yup, my boss came to me with a lovely suggestion. I look up from my desk, there’s my boss, Bernie, with a blonde. He points at my desk and says to the blonde…you sit there. I’m thinking ooo, after 10 years I’m finally getting my own office. So I ask: where do I sit? Bernie says: anywhere you want. I think nice. But not nice. He says: you’re fu…

Jessica looks at John

f-ing fired.

Audience boos.

Ah, but this is a tale of two Bernie’s.

Audience member calls out

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Jessica Stein

What are you, a liberal arts major from NY Jew, I mean U.

Audience member calls out

Yes

Jessica Stein

Liberal Arts huh? You employed.

Audience member calls out

Jessica Stein

Get used to that.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Like I said this is a tale of two bernies. And they hate each other. My Bernie’s family’s illustrious history involves running around the plains of Russia being raped by Vikings. The Bernie I now work for comes from Sutton Place. And lives on Park Avenue. Acts all WASPy like.

To John

You must meet him some time Joh I mean Jose.

Audience member calls out

Why Jose?

Jessica Stein

Hey, I’m trying to come off like an ethnic comedy team here. God knows Jews used to be ethnic…before that damned Joan Rivers kept getting face lifts and blonder hair till she resembles some Pilgrim that came over on the Mayflower. Oh, please. What mortuary is doing her make-up?

Audience laughs

I know, I know Joan. It’s hard to get the MidWest to buy your shi…

Jessica Stein gestures to John

…your lovely pieces on Home Shopping Network. And ladies, the bracelet goes with the ring, goes with I love to wear two bracelets and that goes with more rings and more plastic surgery.

Anyway, transition, Greenwich Village, congrats on the marriage equality act.

Audience applauds

Jessica Stein

Ellen Degenerous will be celebrating with flannel shirt day.

Audience laughs and boos.

Jessica Stein

Oh, I know Lesbos. You don’t always wear flannel shirts. In the summer, you cut off the sleeves. It’s a styling flannel vest. Cover Girl my as…Actually ladies I do use Cover Girl inspired by Ellen. I put make up on my butt. Tip of the day ladies, a darker shade on the sides of the thighs is very slimming. That and screwing in a windowless room with no lights on. Oh course if my Jewish men go down on me when I’m wearing make up down there they come up with a brown face. Kinda looking like Bill Cosby only Black.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Ah Lesbians. Good luck for all you do. I do want to give props to the female truck drivers out there. For your work in kicking the ass of serial killer truck drivers who are killing hitch hiking females. Those perverted men.

She gestures to a table of women. She begins to stroke her neck and upper body

Jessica Stein

Those men. Touching our women…gaining their trust. Thrusting themselves on them. Sounds like a Saturday night at No Man’s Land right ladies. Of course I'm Bi. Bi 3am I'll go home with anyone.

Jessica Stein

Anyway, at a tender, middle age, I’m off to work for the other Bernie. Don’t laugh. I am middle aged. I have every intention of living to 120. Anyway, you’re only as young as you feel. I feel younger since I don’t talk to Jose every day. Oh yes. He wasn’t being mean. That made it worst. He’d come to me and say: Hey, I just discovered this great actor on American Horror: Dylan McDermott.

Jessica gestures to John

Do you remember saying that?

John covers his face laughing in shame.

Jessica Stein

Oh, no. It gets worst. Ever heard of him? So I say: Dylan McDermott might have done something before American Horror. Then he says, and I discovered this other actress: Mia Farrow.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Ever heard of her? I googled The Great Gatsby and she came up. I watched the movie and she was an awesome Daisy. I said really? She might have been before my time. He doesn’t get the sarcasm. So I suggest he google: Woody Allen movies.

She gestures to John

Jessica Stein

And did you?

John nods

Jessica Stein

And did you remember not to just google Woody…cause that will get you pictures of Anthony Weiner. He’s got my vote. And my email apparently.

You can google Madonna too. She was big 10 years before you were born.

She looks at John

Jessica Stein

What are you doing? Giving me the finger. Oh, you’ll holding up two fingers. Oh, Madonna was big 20 years before you were born. Bastard!

Just then a waitress brings John a drink.

Jessica Stein

Miss, miss, don’t serve him. It’s what? Oh, it’s just Pepsi. Not Diet Pepsi. Oh, no why would you drink a diet drink. You’re young. You’ll burn off the sugar. I hate you. And don’t worry. If Bernie fires you for writing this stuff, hey you live at the Jersey shore. You’ve got skills for the boardwalk. Hey people….you wanna go faster? I’m not knocking you saying that to the riders. I use the same line with the men in my bedroom. Different tone. Hey, ya wanna go faster?

She slaps her stomach.

Jessica Stein

Get on. Get off this ride. We got people waiting in line for this ride. Of course, most of the people waiting to ride me are on a day outing from the Shady Rest Nursing Home but…ya know they bring gifts. I never have to buy my own jello. Thank you Shady Rest.

Jessica Stein

And Bernie didn’t win. I did go sit where I wanted. At the competition. You see, Bernie was arrogant to let me go cause he’s in with the clients. But he didn’t realize I’m in with a higher power: the Jewish wives of the clients. And they don’t like the blonde Miss thing.

Good luck with that bro. I’m not going to answer your phone in three rings. I’m gonna pull your damned accounts. Well. That’s my set.

She points at John. And that’s my writer. Stand up.

John stands up. Jessica leaves the stage.

John goes to leave.

David grabs his arm.

Where are you going buddy?

John

To the bathroom…fast.

You know where u stand by where u sit

2013-06-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

The desks of the Assistant Account Executives sit in an open area in front of their Account Executives. Girl Patel, John and David are standing in front of Girl Patel’s desk.

Blythe runs almost past them with a forced happy face and suddenly stops.

Blythe to John

Bernie l-o-v-e-s you.

She squeezes his wrist. And as an afterthought

Blythe to David

You too David.

She runs down the hall and into Bernie’s office.

David

I’m not a ‘too.’….

David to John and Girl Patel

You twit.

Girl Patel

Anyway, you’re not getting it. I said they are a very conservative company who wants something crazy.

They all realize Bernie is passing by with a pretty blonde.

Bernie stops and puts his hand on John’s shoulder.

Bernie to Girl Patel

Make nice. He’s a f-ing cash cow.

Bernie moves on with the pretty blonde.

Girl Patel almost laughing

F-ing cash cow. To a Hindi. That is wrong on so many levels

Bernie stops in front of a desk in front of his office.

Bernie to one of his assistants seated at the desk.

Get up.

Jessica Stein gets up.

Bernie to the pretty blonde

You sit there.

Jessica to Bernie
Where do I sit?
Bernie

Any place you want. You’re f-ing fired,

Jessica bursts into tears and runs past John, David and Girl Patel

Blythe runs smiling out of the office to the blonde woman.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to the family.

She puts a piece of paper onto the pretty blonde’s desk as Bernie goes into his office.

Pretty blonde to Blythe as she picks up the paper.

What’s this?

Blythe

Oh it just says you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all. Sign it honey.

David whispers to John

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Girl Patel to John

Especially you Cash Cow.

John

Holy Cow.

Madam Lillian psychic session

2013-06-12T15:56:00.005-07:00

Patty texting to John

You’re going

John

Not

Patty

John

Nope

Patty

Madam Lillian is expecting

John

Ya C

Patty

John

If Madam Lillian was really psychic….she’d know I wasn’t coming

Patty

Is this that Catholic thing again

John

Comeon Most Catholic uknowthat Jewish, Muslim and whatever u r

Patty

I like to think of myself as a Viking Goddess But I’m actually kinda Lutheran Back to Madam Lillian

John

I’ll go as a joke. I can predict the future too

Patty

Whatever

John

I predict she’s going to tell you you will meet a dark haired stranger in the Fall.

Patty

Y would she?

John

Cause most people have dark hair and she will be in Boca Raton in the Fall…far away from u and your future. And that’s what u get for believing in this crap.

Patty

The point is you are going…with that wonderful, open mind of yours. You can go hang with Jesus on Sunday.

John

Christ pun? Really?

Patty

B right over

The little psychic shop on the boardwalk fits nicely between two games of chance stands. As John parts the curtains. That’s cause this isn’t a game of chance, John thinks. It’s a sure bet for Madam Lillian. Every year there’s some girl in love with some guy who wants to know if they have a future together.

Patty following John in

Ever hear of lady’s first

John

Nope. Equality. Sometimes you open the door for me. Sometimes I do it for you.

Madam Lillian is seated behind a round table with a glass ball on it. She is wearing some schmatta on her head for Eastern Europe.

Madam Lillian to John

You must be John

John

You must be psychic.

Patty gives John a dirty look.

Come on I sat through Easter Mass with you.

John and Patty sit down across from Madam Lillian

Madam Lillian to John

You do not believe

John

I watch Charmed. Phoebe saw things coming. Maybe not Shannon D but…

Madam Lillian to John

You will. You wear a cross but you are surrounded by Star of Davids.

John to Patty

You tell her about me.

Patty

No just that we are friends since elementary school

Madam Lillian

Bernie is good for you.

John

Good?

Madam Lillian

Didn’t say good. Good for you. He’s not good for his people.

John

Well most people in the New York office are Jewish. But he’s an equal opportunity abuser. But people are there to make money and advertising seems…glamorous I guess to outsiders

Madam Lillian

Star of David…David is a good friend to you.

John

Wow. David is.

John to Patty

But he’s kinda Jewish like you are kinda Lutheran

Patty

Soooo?

Madam Lillian

You two will have a long future together.

Patty and John

Really?

Madam Lillian

Yup. But not like that. You will meet someone with dark hair later…after the summer.

John smirks.

Madam Lillian

Yes. When I’m in Boca for the winter. What’s your damage? I mean the future is told.

Patty

Any clue.

Madam Lillian

He getting wood.

John bursts out laughing

I’ll bet.

Madam Lillian to Patty

He’s working on the boardwalk this summer. Building benches…

John

If he gets a splinter…she can help him.

Madam Lillian

Yes a different cross. Red Cross. You will make a good nurse.

Patty smiles

Madam Lillian looks from Patty to John

Cause no matter how stupid…you will help the person.

John

I’m not stupid

Madam Lillian

Who pays for something they don’t believe in.

Madam Lillian puts her hand out.

Twenty dollars

The NJ Transit Song Shall we dance...in your pants

2013-05-29T08:26:00.001-07:00

The NJ Transit song

John grabs a seat on a crowded train. Soon there is a woman standing next to his aisle seat. The train begins to sway on the tracks. And there’s a rhythm to a man bragging about some accomplishment in sales. Without warning. the woman bends over. Her butt goes in John’s face. He expects an apology, but realizes she is unaware. She must have lost all feeling in her butt. Wonder if there’s a fund raiser for that?, John thinks. The beat of all of this commuting scene makes John think of the time his father took him to see The King and I. Shall we dance? Two people dancing across a huge floor…so much room. The woman near John bends over again to get something from here purse-on the floor. Her butt goes in his face again.

John thinks of the Shall we dance song with new lyrics as the woman’s butt hits his face again.

Shall we dance….in your pants…..la de da…shall we dance…in your pants

All of a sudden, there is a female conductor in front of him. I wasn’t singing that was I?, John wonders.

Conductor

Excuse me

John

Oh, no excuse me.

Conductor

Your ticket baby. You are cute but you still haveta have a ticket.

John

Oh, here.

The Conductor taps the woman on the shoulder who has been putting her butt in John’s face.

Conductor to woman

I need your ticket. And you need to stop putting your butt in the boy’s face every time you bend over. You know guys his age can’t take anything.

Woman to John

I’m sooo sorry.

John to woman

My pleasure. I mean no problem.

Conductor to woman

Ya see baby.

John thinks. Oh that conductor woman calls everyone baby…not just me.

Auntie one sentence

2013-05-27T17:59:00.002-07:00

John enters the living room after a long commute from New York involving an over crowded train and mad Parkway drive.. Aunt Margaret is seated in a chair as the Irish lace curtains blow in the ocean breeze. John flops in the chair across from her.

Aunt Margaret in one breath

IwaswatchingthatAnimalPlanetyouusedtolovewhenyouwerelittleandtheywereshowingzebrasrunningandthey
lookedsocutewhydidn'tyoulikethem?There'sstewinthekitchen.

John

Stew?

Aunt Margaret in another breath

Yeahtheyhavetheselittlehairsonthetopoftheirheadsandblackandwhitestripessocutebutyoudidn'tlikethemyou
chosetheelephantstuffedanimalAreyoulisteningtomeordaydreamingyoualwaysdaydream.

John

Zebras are good

Aunt Margaret

WellnothereontheAfricanplainsAreyougoingtohavestew?

John

Is there zebra meat in it?

Aunt Margaret

Of course not. How your mind works.

John
I think I'm losing my mind.

Act of Godlesss

2013-05-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

John looks out at the Moon-rising over the black Atlantic. Both looked so innocent…and peaceful…as if..he

used to see them as symbols of eternity….not destruction.

John’s cell lights up. The expected text from Patty.

Patty’s text

Yeah I got it. What do you call the painting Jesus on a stick?

John text to Patty

Was thinking about how they called hurricane Sandy an act of God .But when a disaster happens…we sacrifice religion…hard to believe in anything.

Patty

Anyone ever tell you you are an up person?

John

The stories…an eighty year old couple losing everything…almost dying cause the water came up and washed them out of their windows…8^th grader dying cause her father wouldn’t leave…guy cuts his finger off with a power saw just as the lights went off so he and his daughters wrap his finger and look for the cut off part in the dark….so many lives smashed…

Patty

It’s Saturday night.

John

But then there’s the second act of God. People coming to help people. Jon Bon Jovi and Springsteen doing a benefit concert. People bringing their Christmas trees to the beach to create new dunes. Other strangers giving food and clothes or just showing up to clean the sand off streets.

Sandy

Let’s follow my Swedish God.

John

What?

Sandy

Drinking. It’s Saturday night. Let’s go out drink and pillage like Vikings…be with people.

John

My God.

Patty

No mine. Well Thor knew how to have fun. Dressed up like a woman once. Did Jesus ever dress up like a woman?

John

No. And I like that about him.

http://www.earthcam.com/usa/newjersey/seasideheights/

We must be vigilante?

2013-04-22T03:32:00.001-07:00

We must be Vigilante?

John’s computer beeps that there is an email. He stops writing headlines and opens the one from David.

David

I can’t stop laughing.

John sends email to David

David sends email to John

Didn’t you read Bernie’s email?

John sends email to David

I saw it was to his Account Executives…not us. Oh my God. The title is We must be Vigilante?

John clicks on Bernie’s email.

Account Executives

In these trying times of people being shot and blown up. We must be vigilante in our commitment to our all American values. We must not hate. We must always watch for suspicious packages that are sent to you or especially me as President. And most importantly: We must tell our clients we must run ads….or they win. Even if we pause to mourn. They win if we don’t run ads. Let’s be Bernie strong!

John

I’m speechless.

David

Oh no. As the writer y-o-u must tell Bernie he meant to say: we must be vigilant. Not vigilante.

John

No. Correcting Bernie would be the job of the Unemployed Writer. I’m the employed one.