A TEACHER'S ODYSSEY

I'm Nominated for Best Teaching Blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:06:00 +0000

I have just received great news! I'm so happy to be nominated for a Fascination Award: 2011's Most Fascinating Teaching Blog.

Just the nomination is already an honor for me. When I first created my blog, I didn't expect that it will grow this way. I would like to thank all my readers and other teachers who have supported me. You, my readers have made all this possible.

Can you do me a favor and please vote for me? I would highly appreciate your vote.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #72

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 01:23:00 +0000

The following essay discusses the reasons why we need music.

Q:-There are many different types of music in the world today, why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard every where nowadays?

Ans:-

Music plays vital role in development and creativity of our mind. Its popularity among people has contributed towards its diversity. However, international music is more famous nowadays, but it is agreed that traditional music has more significance over earlier due to its origination and diversity.

To begin with, it is generally argued that traditional music has laid foundation for other forms of music. For example, Early Indian settlers started singing only tones, which further have been added with words. Initially, people started to sing and dance with limited knowledge of tones and musical instruments, owing to the fact that they have taken first step to produce and improve level of music. Thus, it is clear that traditional music has more implications over international music.

Secondly, supporters often believe that diversity of traditional music depicts unique identity of an ethnic group. For instance, In Indian festival called, "Holi" people used to have bonfire and offers prayers in a pleasant rhythmic way, eventually, developing it into a complete musical and colorful event. Every folk music has place for all sort of events of life i.e. Birth, festivals, engagement, marriage, day to day events, demise, hope, love and nature etc. As a result, such diversity in cultural music reflects richness of culture and local customs.

After analyzing traditional music's foundational and cultural aspects, it has been proven that it has great importance over international music which makes it stand out from the crowd. Thus, it is hoped that forthcoming generations will always continue to appreciate folk music in order to preserve true musical essence.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving the advantages of traditional music over international music. However, you didn't provide the reasons why we need music. Add another paragraph focusing on the uses of music to make it five paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: diversity, implications, rhythmic, demise. However, change "origination" to "origin."

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Paragraphs are clear, logical and organized. Good use of transition words: secondly, thus, for instance, as a result.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

No grammar errors noted.

For a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #71

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:56:00 +0000

The following letter was written by Sharon.

You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned the shop but no action was taken.Write a letter to the shop manager. In your letter

• describe the problem with the equipment

• explain what happened' when you phoned the shop

• say what you would like the manager to do.

Dear sir or madam,

This letter is in relation to a complaint regarding a microwave oven purchased by me from your shop.

The equipment bearing item number A765 was purchased last week on 9 October 2011 and the same was delivered by your staff at my home. Upon delivery, I tried to operate it; however, the moment I plugged it in to the socket a big short circuit occurred. I immediately called your customer service department and informed them about this problem. They took all the necessary details and assured me that they will send a personnel to survey the same and based on his survey an appropriate action would be taken. However, a week has passed now and no action has been taken yet, in spite of the fact that I called your department numerous times.

I would appreciate if you could kindly look in to the matter and escalate the process. Further, since the item is under warranty, I would prefer it being replaced rather than being repaired.

I hope to hear from you soon and expect that my matter would be resolved on an urgent basis.

Yours faithfully,

Sharon Murali

Wordcount: 197

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving the details about the broken microwave and what happened during the phone call. However, your wordcount is 197. Reduce to 150-165 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: personnel, socket, circuit. "Escalate" should be "expedite".

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Points are clear and logical. There were some transition words used: further, however. Improve organization by using the 3-paragraph format:

Introduction-problem with equipment

Body-what happened when you called

Conclusion-action required

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There were no grammar errors noted.

If you want a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #70

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 01:45:00 +0000

The following essay is from Ron Stan.

Question: It is inevitable that as technology develops so traditional cultures must be lost. Technology and tradition are incompatible – you cannot have both together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One of the paramount concerns of the world today is the coexistence of technology and tradition. The fact cannot be denied that as we are grasping the technology more and more tightly, our hold of culture is getting loosened. However, it is possible to strike a correct balance between both.

Firstly, it is only because of technological advancement that, the nations are aware of the cultures which exist in other countries. For instance, India is a land of heritages, values and customs, but it was only after the world media captured this beauty that the tourist from across the continent came to enjoy its traditional taste.

Secondly, modern technological equipment and expertise helped to restore many long lost cultures. To cite an example; Aboriginal language which was on the verge of extinction, was revived by recent scientific techniques. In addition to that, Aboriginal arts, have acquired worldwide recognition because they have been showcased the world over.

There is no contradicting of the point that, owing to modern machinery many traditional skills have been lost like; weaving and pottery making. However, one has to accept the fact that the world is moving ahead and we cannot cling to the obsolete method of doing a thing. It is only sensible to adopt the change which helps you to move forward rather than one which drags you behind.

To sum up, mankind will only gain by reviving the traditional skills. We must have a well-balanced view to reap the benefits of both to the fullest, for both have their own positive and negative aspects.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving your views about technology and tradition. You gave specific examples to support your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: modern machinery, reviving, showcased, techniques.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Good transition words: to sum up, firstly, secondly. Points are clear, logical and to the point.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

No grammar errors noted.

If you want a free writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

Download: 30 Days to a Better IELTS Writing E-book

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 13:52:00 +0000

I'm happy to present to you my first e-book, 30 Days to a Better IELTS Writing.

The 30 Days to a Better IELTS Writing E-book is a product from my blog, A Teacher's Odyssey. It contains 69 IELTS writing makeovers written by various IELTS test-takers around the globe.

It is my hope that you will improve your writing skills as you do the writing tasks in the e-book. The e-book can be downloaded just by clicking the link below. It will only cost you $6.99. Not bad, huh? It's good value for your money.

Good luck to your IELTS and happy reading!

Download: 30 Days to a Better IELTS Writing E-book

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #69

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 11:09:00 +0000

The following essay is from Sujitra from Thailand. The essay discusses the influence of advertising on higher sales of consumer products.

Topic :

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some people believe advertising have much more impact to consumer behavior. Particularly, it persuades them to buy luxuries goods that are not necessary for their life. However, others think the advertising is not the main factor which makes people consume popular consumer goods. In this essay, I discuss both of view, although I am also aware that every one would agree with this opinion.

On the one hand, some people think TV advertising has not much effect for buyers. This is because people in this age receive much information which makes them have enough analytical thinking. Consequently, they can use it to distinguish advantages or disadvantages results. Apparently, when people watch TV which is promoting consumer goods, they will think twice and check details of products such as quality, price or durability before deciding to buy.

On the other hand, others believe advertising have much more power that can convince people to purchase goods even it is not necessary for their life. In my opinion, the main purpose of advertisement is sailing, so it will try every way which make people pay money to buy them. It appears that some people use the brand name bag which is very expensive especially its function is not different from an ordinary bag. However, the advertising is successful to convince consumers even some people will be a debtor.

In conclusion, in my opinion, people should realize that while we are buying luxuries, there are many people have not money to buy foods for supporting their life. Moreover, the goods which is not response our real needs, they will be the waste that makes pollution for our world in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You discussed both views about the power of advertising's influence on high sales of consumer goods. However, the conclusion is illogical and doesn't reflect the main points in your body.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some words which are redundant e.g. pay money to buy them. There are also some words which are wrongly used: sailing.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

You've made use of transition words such as “however”, “on one hand”, “on the other hand”, “in conclusion”. Paragraphs are generally organized but add one more paragraph to make use of the 5-paragraph format.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some awkward sentences and subject-verb errors which need revision:

there are many people have not money to buy foods for supporting their life;
the goods which is not response our real needs.

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For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #68

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sun, 29 May 2011 14:52:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Yusuf and he discusses about the changes in the position of women over the years.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

In recent times,women have been facing increased challenges in all fields.They are not only criticized at work,but also at home.They have been accused of being fully responsible for the prospective behaviour of their own children.This does not only apply to single parent mothers,but also to families with both parents.

I tend to disagree that all working mothers can not take care of their children. Parenthood should not be the sole responsibility of one parent only,but unfortunately mums are usually to be blamed whenever their offsprings fall in trouble.

There are certain jobs, which are dominated by women due to their motherly caring nature as in teaching,nursing or even social wokers.A lot of them are a real inspiration to the young generation,so it is totally unfair to contribute mother's work to the negativity which may be found in young adults.

Mothers who are working ,may not have other alternatives to earning money especially in single parent families.Also,the work experience as well as the sociable skills accomplished will certainly have a postive impact on the self esteem of such females who can thus serve as better mums.

I strongly believe that the quality of time spent with the children is much more valuable than the quantity itself.A lot of housewives may leave their kids infront of the TV ,the computers or videogames.Hence they are passively contributing in bringing them up.

On the other hand,many of the female full timers or part timers are intelligent enough to manage and plan their time efficiently.Believing in the significant value of the limited hours they spend with their sons and daughters,will definitely push them to plan many events in advance and to make the best of it.So,it is not unusual to find them sharing their children or even teens in reading or even playing outdoor .

Consequently,the length of time spent by women at home could never be the only factor considered to predict the juvenile sociable behaviour.The amount of attention these youngsters are getting is absolutely more influencing on both the short and the long terms.In other words ,a dedicated mother could be a working mother or a housewife.

Word count: 354

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give strong arguments supporting the position of women, however, your word count is 354. Reduce the number of words between 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: dominated, juvenile, passively, alternatives.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are a number of transition words used: consequently, hence, so, also, but. Organization needs work as there are too many paragraphs. Stick to only 5 paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some spelling errors: postive, wokers.

For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #67

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sun, 29 May 2011 14:22:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Ajith. He talks about the future of the DVD market.

A lot of films are now strictly made for the DVD market and soon we will be able to download films directly from the internet.

Answer:

A film which combines both audio and video to express a story is frequently used by the people for recreation. They prefer to watch movies as a habit or a hobby. As the DVD market has taken major changes recently, they are lucky to buy a film which is encoded in a DVD to fulfill their entertaining needs.

However, the technical development which assists to create an immense number of films in a short period can be considered as the main reason for this availability. The production of cartoon films with good standard and high quality is the best example which extensively illustrates the effect of technology towards the film making.

On one hand, this entails in many opportunities for the people to enjoy various films after a good selection as they are inexpensive and rampant. This situation enables them to watch a movie flexibly at home in any convenient time rather than going to a cinema which may be obsolete due to mal-maintenance.

On the other hand, the consequences may be undesirable because children who are not deserve to watch films which are labeled as "Adults Only" will practice to see them using the computers as a solution for the oppose of their guardians. Furthermore It decreases the number of the people who go to the cinema resulting a huge break down in the cinema industry.

However in the near future there will be a facility to download the movies via internet as our wish because even now we can see a real time film using a high speed internet connection. It will solve the problematic situations which people have to face when they want to see original film with better sound and obvious scenes. This will result in a new arising in the film production industry.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give good arguments to support your position. You provided sufficient supporting details to expand your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: consequences, facility, high speed internet connection, availability.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Essay structure is organized and clear with the use of appropriate transition words: on one hand, however, furthermore, on the other hand.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammar errors: "who are not deserve", "a new arising", "for the oppose of their guardians" and "mal-maintenance".

For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #66

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sun, 29 May 2011 14:00:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Melorin. He discusses about freedom of expression.

Question: creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas(in words, pictures,music or film) in whichever way they wish.There should be no government restrictions on what they do.

In some countries like Iran government decides about the subjects that artists should work on. However, this is the right of the artists to create their masterpiece as it is, and without any kind of censorship.

From my point of view freedom must be returned to the society of artists. They should express their feelings by the means of their gifted skills. If someone forces them to create their crafts in a particular subject,their artistic production will not be natural and meaningful anymore.

For example political issues must not be forbidden in movies, stories, poetry, cartoons, and so on. Nude sculptures and paintings also should not be banned by political organizations.As they all show the feelings and art of a nation or at least a group of people.

Musical items must be free as well.the country's policy must not prohibit playing them due to religious reasons. Since music is one of the most delightful ways of sharing inner potentials with listeners. Both listeners and producers of the music share their feelings by playing it. One plays the instruments and the other plays the button. One speaks the notes language and the other speaks the body language, I mean dance.

To conclude, all aspects of art should be allowed to exist in any subject and by any tools that their creator wishes. Thus people will feel free to share their opinions and open the window of their hearts to public. For instance if someone feels like criticizing the politics by drawing cartoons, they should not take him to jail.This can also be useful for improving the rules and policy if the politicians care about their ideas in order to develop.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You only gave one main reason why creative expression should be encouraged. The 3^rd and 4^th paragraph started with examples instead of topic sentences.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some vocabulary words are repetitive: play, feel, free. There are some inappropriate word choice: musical items.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are a number of transition words used: however, for example, to conclude, thus, for instance. Essay is generally organized with the use of the 5-paragraph format.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammatical errors: "in some countries like Iran government decides" and missing commas.

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For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #65

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 24 May 2011 03:40:00 +0000

The following essay is from Ahmed and he discusses about spending on health education.

"Prevention is better than cure." Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

I totatlly agree that ,prevention is better than cure.There is usually an enormous amount of health budget directed to the treatment of various diseases affecting different age groups of the population.Unfortunately,a smaller budget goes to the health education and preventative measures.

In recent times,causes to common diseases have been discovered,but the efforts were not enough to eradicate them.It is quite agreeable that ,obesity ,for example is the main cause of heart diseases as well as certain types of cancer.Smoking is another habit, which costs the countries a huge amount of money.It is the principal cause of not only lung cancer ,but also other fatal diseases.

Prevention of diseases is the ultimate solution to sparing the health and money of any nation.Educating school-age children about the consequences of living an unhealthy lifestyle may have a postive impact on their prospective health.Advertisement in the different media should encourage young adults to spending their leisure time in sport rather than, sitting infront of the screen most of the day.

Curing serious and long term diseases,which usually result from sedentary and unhealthy life style,may be a long and frustrating journey.Most of the budget of the national health service usually goes to the expensive treatments ,which could have been avoided by proper awareness.

Prevention of diseases will have a very postive effect on the whole society.It is not limitted to the financial savings but rather to the economical value on the whole society,where people who are seriously ill receive benefits for them and their families.Hence,creating a generation who is more consuming than producing.It is certainly worth ,supporting the preventative measures by all means.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a good introduction and conclusion where you made clear your stand. However, the supporting details are weak which do not prove why government should spend more on prevention.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You demonstrated good range of vocabulary: obesity, eradicate, sedentary, consuming.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are a few transition words found: but, hence, for example. The paragraphs are generally organized but needs more coherence. Some examples are illogical.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some spelling errors: postive, limitted. There are some errors in punctuation particularly unnecessary commas.

For a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #64

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Fri, 20 May 2011 13:53:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Waddi from Myanmar. She describes the reasons why people resist change and provides solutions.

Q: People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kinds of problems can this cause? What solution can you suggest?

In this twenty-first century, as the world develops in many ways, people have to face the changes in their life both in positive and negative ways. Generally, people have the ability to tolerate the changes, but unavoidably suffer more or less from those changes.

It can be described as the main difficult that have to overcome is mental problems. If someone meets unacceptable changes in life, he or she may feel unprotective, down-heated or unsafe consequently, may also experience nightmares which lead to health-related problems. There is also another changes, for instance people who leave their country and going abroad might face social problems like culture shocks and have a feeling of loneliness in the new environment. Basically, the cause of these problems is that people cannot accept the changes immediately.

In my opinion, people should be flexible to adjust with the changes. A good idea would be to take part in social activities or make friends to hang out, and eventually they will find themselves as a part of the new society. A future step is to cure mentally by meditation or doing something like watch television or listening to the music that can relax their mind. Furthermore, they should think the changes are opportunities to try new things, new knowledge and experience. The most important of all, People must not give up when they meet changes and should try to adapt.

To conclude, changes always exist in daily life and they make us stronger more persistent, more self-confident, and more patient. People should think these changes as the steps to reach a better life even they are not the positive ones. By putting that thought in their mind, it can be said that they have already half-won the difficulties and can successfully overcome the effects of the changes.

Word count: 300

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss why people resist changes and give solutions to the problem. You gave concrete examples to support your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is fair with some wrong word choices: unprotective, down-heated.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are some transition words used: to conclude, basically, furthermore. Ideas are generally clear and logical. Organization needs improvement by using the five-paragraph format.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Some grammar errors found: main difficult that have, another changes. There are also problems in parallelism: watch television and listening to music; leave their country and going abroad.

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #63

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Fri, 20 May 2011 12:48:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Malni. He discusses about the pros and cons of fixed punishment.

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Crime is an action which is illegal according to the law in the country committed by a single person or a group of people who are a threat to the community. Illegal Activities such as robberies, murders, rape cases and briberies are some of severe crimes which are rampant and have become the headlines of the country today. There are rules and regulations in the law to decide the punishment for each crime in order to minimize the number of crimes to establish a calm and peaceful environment.

If each and every crime has assigned a fixed punishment then due to the awareness of the severity of the punishment the criminal who expects to commit a crime will not involve himself in the crime because of the fear to be punished. Therefore it is a successful method to reduce the number of crimes. But it will be a actually injustice for a person who had committed a crime for self defense because it can not be considered as crime as it was unintentionally done by the person. If such person is given a punishment such as death sentence then an innocent person will lost his life and it will affect his family adversely.

Before deciding that the culprit is a criminal or not there should be stage to argue the circumstances of the crime and motivation of committing the crime because most of the time the culprit had done it unintentionally. Frequent road accidents are good illustrations for it since the drivers are not killers actually. But several people may lost their lives due to the fault of the driver and therefore it become a severe crime which result in a punishment such as to be in the jail for rest of the life.

Therefore in point of view having fixed punishments for each type of crime is important for a country with the flexibility of altering the final decision after a careful consideration of the circumstances and the motivations of a crime in order to release the innocent and punish the culprit for setting up a peaceful environment.

Word count: 349

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave your arguments on the importance of weighing the circumstances of the crime first. However, the conclusion is inconsistent with the above arguments. Your word count is also 349, reduce it to 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some of the words are repetitive: each and every crime, therefore in point of view, culprit is a criminal, rules and regulations in the law. There are also empty phrases which do not add value to the essay.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are some transition words used but they are repetitive: therefore, in order to, but. Organization needs improvement by using five paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: every crime has assigned, will lost, affect his family adversely, may lost, it become, which result. Avoid also run-on sentences such as the last sentence in your essay.

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If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #62

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Fri, 20 May 2011 12:19:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Salma. She explains her thoughts on rich nations providing for the poor nations.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their

citizens themselves?

Countries all over the world differ not only in their languages or geographical places ,but also in their wealth.Some countries are fortunate enough to have natural resources,which definitely help them to be rich.On the other hand,other countries are too heavily populated to depend on their own resources thus,becoming poorer nations.

It is a frequent argument whether it is the responsibility of the richer societies to help the poorer ones ,or it is the sole responsibility of their own governments. Contributions may not necessarily be provided as donations but they could be food ,clothes or even educational scholarships.

I strongly agree,that life will be much easier and more pleasant if people help each other.Supplying poorer countries with their essentials and working together to raise the standard of living will certainly have its positive impact on both the fortune-less and the posh societies .Children living under poverty and low socio-economical circumstances may grow hating other richer countries which could have helped them,but did not.Thus ,a new generation full of despise and hatred to high socioeconomic population will develop.

Many rich countries suffer from the enormous amount of food waste they have to get rid of,whereas food shortage is one of the main causes of death in vast areas of Africa.So, food donations from the richer regions to the poorer ones could be a very wise solution to both sides.

Many of the tax payers in the wealthy countries blame the government of the poor areas , claiming it should be their prime responsibility to take care of their citizens .However,Such payers ignore the fact, that it is not always affordable to meet the people's need when the resources are very restricted and the necessity of the external help is unavoidable.Moreover,tax payers may be too blind to visualize the positive outcome of such help on their own rich countries. It is not uncommon,to find a lot of highly skilled workers moving from the developing countries to the developed ones,where they fill vital work gaps.

I could not be more certain,that life is all about sharing and that it will be tasteless and valueless, if someone has everything and another has nothing.What is more fascinating is that the outcome is usually fruitful for those who grant and those who are granted.

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to clearly give your arguments why rich nations should provide for the poor nations. You gave supporting details to prove your point.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: prime, restricted, socio-economic, posh. There is evidence of idiomatic language: payers may be too blind. However, it would be better to use less-fortunate rather than fortuneless.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Points raised were clear and logical. You used a variety of transition words: moreover, thus, so, on the other hand. It would also be good to include transition words to link paragraphs. You can also improve on organization by limiting your essay to five paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are only minor errors in terms of grammar particularly on punctuation. Remove commas where it is unnecessary.

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #62

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Fri, 20 May 2011 12:09:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Salma. She explains her thoughts on rich nations providing for the poor nations.

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to clearly give your arguments why rich nations should provide for the poor nations. You gave supporting details to prove your point.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

COHERENCE AND COHESION

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are only minor errors in terms of grammar particularly on punctuation. Remove commas where it is unnecessary.

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If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #61

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Sat, 14 May 2011 09:30:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Moka. He writes about the advantages and disadvantages of computers.

Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

In what ways are computers a hindrance?
What is your opinion?

In recent times,computers have invaded most of,if not all, our dailylife.Computer applications are used worldwide in education sectors,health sectors,banks and even in different types of stores.

The rapid invasion of computers and their applications has not been quite welcomed by some people,who believe that their drawbacks has exceeded their benefits.Hence,such persons consider computers to be more a barrier than a help at the present time.

Computers may rob people's time and this is especially true in adolescents ,who prefer to spend hours infront of computer games where they are always heroes.This does not only waste their precious time ,but may also create adults, who may be self-focused,unsociable and uncreative.The negative effect of long computer hours on the health of the viewers is also tremendous, either on the eyes or on the neck and back.Online shopping ,though easier and time saving ,definitely encourages people to be more lazy .They may prefer online ordering rather than walking to their local shops.

In my opinion,Computers do have their advantages and disadvantages, but some people tend to focus on either sides.I believe, that we should respect all the achievements of the computers in the medical ,dental and engineering fields.Not to mention the ease of collecting information on a certain topic ,though not always reliable.Communication with friends ,peers or even work colleagues through electronic mails is faster and more economical compared with the traditional means.Therefore,it is all about moderation and proper usage of computers and it should be always kept in mind that it is a tool, which could be used to improve our life if not over or misused

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to justify your opinion about the advantages and disadvantages of computers. You cited concrete examples to support your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: online ordering, tremendous, drawbacks, applications. You were able to use a number of idiomatic language: rob people's time, invaded our life.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There were some transition words used: but, hence, therefore, and though. Points are generally clear, however, the structure needs improvement. Better to use the five-paragraph format:

Introduction

Body Paragraph 1 – Advantage 1

Body Paragraph 2 – Advantage 2

Body Paragraph 3 – Disadvantage 1

Conclusion

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are only a few grammar mistakes found: "drawbacks has" and some unnecessary commas. You showed a wide range of grammar structures such as perfect tenses, passives, modal verbs.

If you want to have an IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #60

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 10 May 2011 11:07:00 +0000

The following is an essay written by Sujittra from Thailand. She discusses whether talents are born or they can be taught.

Topic It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any children can be taught to become a sports person or musician.

Talents are the topic that is interesting among people especially some people believe children are born with definite gifts for example for sport and music. However, others think children can learn to be a professional musician and sports man without talents. In this essay, I will explain both of view. Personally, I am of an opinion that this is the case, although I am aware also that not everyone would agree with this opinion.

Most people think the excellent athletes or the professional instrumentalists already have with born baby. For example, Betrothed who has been the famous musical is deaf but he could play piano because he had more talent. Moreover, some gift person who can do something more special than normal person come from their gene which indicate the success story of them such as strong body, smart brain or artistic mind.

However, some people think success sports or musicians come from much more leaning and practicing. Importantly, it depends on an interesting and an attention also. Particularly, it should be supported by their parents. In my opinion, although some children have more talent in sport but they lack of encouraging or practicing, they will lose it soon. Conversely, if some children have more efforts and supports by adults, they will be success in the future.

In conclusion, in my opinion we should not bring talent topic to limit the chance of human improvement. As one can see the reading information presented, I still personally believe that we should open evenly the window of opportunities for every person in this world: girls or boys, teenagers or older, disabilities or normal and talent or inability. If we deal this issue effectively, it will have a positive effect on the fabric of our society.

Word count: 293

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You explained both sides of the issue. However, some examples are inaccurate e.g. Bethroted. Your conclusion was illogical and you didn't make clear your personal stand on the issue. Word count is 193. Reduce it to 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is an attempt to use idiomatic language e.g. fabric of our society, window of opportunities. Wordiness is an issue in your essay as there are a number of empty phrases found.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Essay is organized through the use of transition words: however, in conclusion, for example, moreover. However, some sentences are unclear e.g. Personally, I am of an opinion that this is the case, although I am aware also that not everyone would agree with this opinion.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: "talents are the topic that is", "both of view", "some gift person", "their gene which indicate", "supports", "be success". Revise the following run-on sentences:

-Particularly, it should be supported by their parents. In my opinion, although some children have more talent in sport but they lack of encouraging or practicing, they will lose it soon.

- As one can see the reading information presented, I still personally believe that we should open evenly the window of opportunities for every person in this world: girls or boys, teenagers or older, disabilities or normal and talent or inability.

For more information about the IELTS Makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #59

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Mon, 02 May 2011 14:49:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Julia from Malaysia. Here are her thoughts on today's generation vs. parents' generation.

Every generation of people is different in important ways. How is your generation different from your parents' generation? Use specific examples to explain your answer.

Generation to generation evolved in terms of education, awareness and life concept. Thus, there are many contradict opinion over an issue between different generation. I usually experience this when discussing my future plan with my parents who happened to be classified as baby boomers generation. The common arguments between us linger between the benefit of technology and women's career development.

As a generation Y, I appreciate the tremendous benefits brought by the technology to us. I counted this as blessing in my life. However, my parents do not feel the same way as I do. They perceived technology as a burden because they analyzed it in term of cost and complexity of the features in every technology born to this world. They strongly suggest that life would be a lot easier and simpler without the present of technology, which is definitely absurd to my generation. This is obvious evident how my parents' generation is different from my generation.

Second issue that always heat up our discussion is women's career development. Both of my parents are still indulged themselves with glass ceiling phenomenon whereby they believed women has barrier to advancement in a profession and thus, lead them to second orthodox perception which is a sticky floor syndrome. They strongly advised me that women are only suitable to certain type of job such as nurse, teacher and clerk instead of engineer, doctors and entrepreneur. I, on the other hand, against this mind set and strongly feel this perception is ridiculous. After analyzing this, it is clear that each generation is different than one another.

In conclusion, older generation my be a bit rigid towards changes that today brings as compared to younger generation. However, to live in harmony, a person should always compromise and try to agree to disagree.

Word count: 298

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss two differences between your generation and your parents' generation. The introduction and conclusion need work. Remove the example in the introduction. Then, summarize all the differences in your conclusion. Your word count is 298, reduce it to 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied, however, there is too much wordiness: glass ceiling phenomenon, second orthodox perception, sticky floor syndrome.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There is a variety of transition words used: however, on the other hand, in conclusion, thus. The essay is generally clear and organized but it would be better to use the 5-paragraph format. Add one more difference between your parents' generation and your generation.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: contradict opinion, different generation, present of technology, heat up, women has barrier, against this mindset. Avoid long sentences: Both of my parents are still indulged themselves with glass ceiling phenomenon whereby they believed women has barrier to advancement in a profession and thus, lead them to second orthodox perception which is a sticky floor syndrome.

For more information about the IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #58

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 02:34:00 +0000

The following essay is from Warapat from Thailand and the essay discusses about the role of parents in molding their children for society.

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Children need to be taught and given guidance so that they can grow up to be good members of our society. The two greatest institutions which hold this responsibility are families and schools. Parents teach children mostly since they are infants until they go to schools, while teachers are close to kids when they are older. Therefore, both of them are responsible to teach children equally but in different times.

As mentioned, parents are close to children most when they are in young ages. The teaching is always direct as it comes with raise. When parents bring children to hospitals they tend to teach children what disease is or what will happen when children do not want to brush their teeth. Parents also think it is their job to tell their children what is right or wrong.

On the other hand, teachers are likely to close to children when they are teenagers. As in this time, children become strained from their parents and like to spend more time with their friends or at schools. Apart from teaching academic knowledge, teachers are involved with teaching children in indirect ways. Teachers guide children through the award/punishment system more than telling them directly how to behave. Teachers will give marks or compliments when children do something good like picking up trash or get perfect scores. However, children will be punished if they have fights with others.

In conclusion, children are the future members in the society. Their behaviors heavily depend on what they have learnt in childhood. As a result, parents and teachers' teachings reflect our future society.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving both sides of the coin. You gave a good introduction and made a clear conclusion of your point of view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied e.g. "institutions", "strained" , "academic knowledge". However, there are some wrong word choices e.g. award = reward.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The organization is clear and logical. You used a variety of transition words such as "as mentioned", "on the other hand", "in conclusion".

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammar errors found: "comes with raise", "to close with children".

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For more information about the IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com

A Few Good Teachers

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 09:41:00 +0000

I am who I am today because of my teachers. I thank all of the teachers who contributed to my personal as well as professional growth.

Teachers should be honored. So I applaud Bato Balani Foundation for their advocacy campaign, The Many Faces of the Teacher. Their goal is to uphold the teaching virtues through exemplars who inspire excellence.

Moreover, it recognizes outstanding Filipino teachers who influence and mold the character of future leaders.

Past awardees include Fr. James Reuter, Onofre Pagsanjan, mobile teacher Jenelyn Baylon, Batibot's Feny delos Reyes and the Bernido couple (also Magsaysay awardees).

If you want to know who last year's honorees, you may click this link:

To nominate a teacher, you may visit Bato Balani's website.

Cheers to the Filipino teacher!

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #57

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 04:28:00 +0000

The following essay comes from Farshid and he talks about rich governments helping poor nations.

Improvements in health,education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations.However ,the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

For every country helth ,education and trade are crutial.Every society has been tried to develop these issues .But some countries were not be able to achieve them in spite of their tries.On the other hand many countries have succeeded to develop these three vital things in their communities .I personally agree with this issue that developed countries should help developing countries to approach better position in health , education and trade , because of uncertain future and absorbing dangers from poor countries.

It is not clear that in the future which country will be poor and which one will be rich.In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which are not rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later.And maybe other countries would help them as a result of being thoughtful,It is sort of interchanging aid. Sometimes others need to be helped by us and sometimes we need them to assist with us.

On the other hand ,poor communities have some dangers I the world and these dangers are global such as the rise of crime and addiction.It is undeniable that increase of crime will affect the others ,and growth of addiction has similar impression.More dangerous crimes such as drug trafficking are global.if it grows in a country near you,it deffenitly will impress on your country.And surely these dangers are related to poor education,health and trade .

To sume up , I strongly believe that developed countries should asses weak societies in order to decrease the number of crimes in the world and being helped in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give your stand in the issue, however, your main points and examples are weak and do not support your stand. Your conclusion should also be balanced with the other paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is sometimes repetitive and inappropriate: "develop", "impression", "tries", "thoughtful".

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There is some organization in your essay with the use of transition words such as "to sum up", "on the other hand" and "but". However, the essay became illogical when you discussed about crime.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There is a fair range of grammar structures with some errors on complex structures such as the passives and conditionals:

"Every society has been tried to develop these issues"

"if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later"

There are a number of spelling errors: deffenitly, sume, crutial, helth and asses.

There are also some run-on sentences:

"In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which are not rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later."

Other grammar errors: "assist with us", `" dangers I the world".

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For a free writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #56

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 03:48:00 +0000

The following essay is from Abhigyan and he writes about employment and its effects on family life.

Question- In many countries both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work than at home.Does the advantage of this kind of employment outweigh its bad effects on their family life?

The modernization has completely transformed people's perception. In the modern society, both male and female members are goal oriented and do jobs (in many families). Some people say that its disadvantageous when both the family members go to do jobs. However, many social reforms and the modern outlook has proved that both male and female members have the right to follow their goals

Most importantly, when both genders go to do job, they provide financial security to the family. Money is a very important thing, without which basic needs can't be fulfilled. In addition, both the genders have the right to follow their dreams. In the modern world, both males and females work hard in their academic fields to accomplish their goals. It would be a waste of time if they don't follow their dreams. For instance, how would a girl who worked hard to get a professional degree and is asked to sit at home and take care of a child? Of course, her dreams would be shattered.

Interestingly, some people believe that women are not as competent as men. This is a myth, far from reality. Time and again, women have proved their mettle. However, when both the genders spend too much time at workplace, the family life is affected. They pay less attention to the kids and also their private lives are disturbed. Moreover, mental stress is developed to balance both the work and the family duties. However, there are many couples who know how to balance their lives.Nothing is free in this world, adjustments have to be made. There are numerous advantages of both the genders working, while the disadvantages can be controlled.

Thus, both the genders have the right to work on their goals. Life is all about facing new challenges, and this balancing is one of them. The advantages of the employment trend of both the male and family members working surely outweighs the disadvantages which can be controlled and dealt with.

Word count: 328

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a good introduction and good conclusion. You have supported your main points with concrete examples. Your wordcount is 328 which is too long. Reduce your essay to 250-265 words.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The essay is generally organized with the use of appropriate connecting markers: "thus", "however", "moreover", "for instance". Improve the structure of your essay by using the five-paragraph format: Introduction, Advantage 1, Advantage 2, Disadvantage 1, Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is a wide variety of vocabulary used: "mettle", "mental stress", "financial security", "goal oriented".

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

The essay has a good range of grammar structures such as:

Relative clauses: who know how to balance their lives

Modals: have to be made, would be a waste time

Perfect tenses - has completely transformed.

However, there are some grammar errors noted: "have proved" and run-on sentences such as:

"The advantages of the employment trend of both the male and family members working surely outweighs the disadvantages which can be controlled and dealt with. "

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If you want an IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #55

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 08:36:00 +0000

The following essay is from Aiping. The essay discusses about the advantages and disadvantages of extreme sports.

Extreme sports are fun and exciting. They are also dangerous. Should extreme sports be encouraged or discouraged?

Nowadays, more and more people get involved in extreme sports, such as cliff climbing and sky diving; even they know that there are significant danger elements inside. However there are many people disagreeing this kind of sports because of the contained danger; there are several critical reasons to strongly encourage these sports.

Firstly, these sports are a kind of challenges in our life. Challenge is an essential term in our life. Without challenge, we will feel our life is dull and boring and just filled by daily activities, while we can get stimulated to meet the challenges. For example, in order to enjoy the extreme sports, we need to take exercise frequently to make our body be physically flexible and strong, and learn the facilities. Therefore participation in these sports can keep us physical fit and renew our knowledge.

Secondly, these sports provide a way for people to develop brevity. Brevity is the ability to face the challenges involved in exploring the domains where we are not familiar, and it is the critical factor for discoveries. Our modern life is the results of lots of new discoveries in geography and sciences. For instance, we all know the impacts of the geographical discovery of America on history, and the discovery of electric-magnetism in science on the invention of telecommunications. But if without brevity, Columbus would not cross the wide ocean to get the new world, and Faladi would not run the first experiment in the risk of life to study electric field. With the convenience of modern life, there is rare chance for testing and developing our brevity. The extreme sports can provide the opportunity.

Thirdly, these sports motivate the innovation of new technologies. Definitely new facilities are required to participate in these extreme sports which will initiative the new technology. For illustration, surfing in ocean encouraged the invention of canvas. The needing of diving accelerates the invention of water-proof cloth. It is clear that these sports directly facilitate the new inventions.

However, the persons who join in these activities should pay attention on their personal safety. To avoid the risks, the methods which can increase the safety of these sports should be installed, and moreover cautions and instructions to avoid the risk should be taught and advised to the practisers. Particularly, the coach should be qualified enough to train the sportsmen.

In summary, it is clear that the benefits of extreme sports overcome their risks, therefore it should be encourage in our modern life. In meanwhile, we need to take cautions on the safety risk.

Word Count: 425

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a good introduction and conclusion. You were able to give reasons why you encourage extreme sports. However, your word count is 425. Write only between 250-265 words. Six paragraphs is too long. Reduce it to five only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are a variety of vocabulary used: innovation, facilitate, stimulated, accelerates. However, there are also inappropriate word choices: brevity, term, practisers.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The paragraphs are organized. There are a variety of connecting utterances used: firstly, secondly, thirdly, in summary, however. The paragraphs are generally logical, however, the fifth paragraph is no longer necessary. The third paragraph became illogical when you discussed about geography.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a variety of grammar structures used:

Modals: should be qualified enough

Relative clauses: who join in these activities.

There are some grammar errors: should be encourage, disagreeing this kind of sports, will initiative, needing, is the results.

If you want a writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #54

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 03:31:00 +0000

The following essay is from Faruk and he discusses his views about parents being the best teachers.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your
answer.

Children get education from their families, friends as well as school teachers. Some people say that parents are best teachers to their children others disagree. However, whether they are best teachers or not depends on the skills and behaviour of the parents themselves. This essay describes this controversial issue.

It is not strange to find some uneducated parents. Such parents might be good in social life and could be successful in their career. However, if they did not get proper education, they have less skill to teach their children academically. In addition, some parents are not good examples to their children. For example, they go into divorce without the considering the interests of their children. Children who grew in a divorced family may be affected negatively. I have watched many TV documentaries about prisoners in US jails. Most of the inmates explain that they were abused by parents or raised in a divorced family. Therefore, such parents will not be good examples to their children and are not best teachers.

On the other hand, there are many parents who are well educated and follow up the day to day school activities of their children. These parents have always time to help their children in their home works as well as other academic problems. Since children easily believe and accept what their parents are advising, such children will be more successful. It is common to listen from successful professional, sports persons, musicians, etc that the main reason for their success is the help they got from their parents.

In conclusion, whether parents are best teachers or not depends on the skills and behaviour of the parents. Those parents who are less educated or have bad behaviour are not excellent teachers.

Word Count: 289

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a good introduction and conclusion. You were able to give a balanced view on when parents are the best teachers and when parents aren’t. You gave supporting details to support your view. It would be better if you have 5 paragraphs and add one more main point to strengthen your stand. Word count is 289, better reduce your essay 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is fair and needs more complex vocabulary. There is no evidence of idiomatic language.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The essay is organized with a good range of connecting utterances: “however”, “therefore”, “on the other hand”, “for example” and “in conclusion”.

Explanation is clear, logical and to the point.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Essay has good range of grammar structures:

Relative clauses: “who are well educated”

Modals: “could be successful”

Perfect tenses: “have watched”

There were some grammar errors: “without the considering”

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :P

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #53

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 09:33:00 +0000

The following essay was written by Ajit from India. The essay discusses about following the local customs of foreign countries.

SOME PEOPLE believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Tourism industry has taken a big leap in the last few years. People visit different countries during vacations and also for official purposes. When an individual visits another country, sometimes cultural differences arise between them and the localites. It is said that the visitor must respect the local customs, while others debate that the host country should have some tolerance for cultural differences. However, its the moral duty of a visitor to change themselves according to the territory and culture they are visiting.

Host country most of the times welcome their guests with a big smile. Sometimes a foreign national might not be acquainted with the local customs and can make mistakes. When a host country welcomes any guest, they should also have the guts to forgive unintentional mistakes. For example, a lot of tourists come to visit the Golden Temple (India). It is a custom to cover the head inside the premises. If by chance, a foreigner doesn't covers his/her's , the local people should not feel offended and instead, should tell that foreigner the importance of covering the head. A host should show the required hospitality and enlighten the visitors about their customs and traditions.

However, the responsibility of the visitors should be greater than that of the host. When visitors go in foreign countries, they should adapt themselves according to the needs. They should be prepared , beforehand, not to hurt the sentiments of the locals. A country welcomes guests to promote cultural exchange, not to be insulted or having their culture polluted. When a visitor is visiting a country, they should read about the customs, traditions and other rules of that country and be prepared . For instance, some tourists go to western countries and throw their garbage anywhere on the streets or spit anywhere. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable. A visitor has no right to break the rules of a host country.

Unfortunately, the cultural differences result in clashes sometimes. It is the responsibility of both, hosts and visitors, to adapt themselves. However, a host might not be aware of the origin of the visitors. On the other hand, when a visitor can do the effort to go abroad, they should also do a little effort to learn about the region they are going. Nowadays, all the information is available on the internet. If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask for guidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, which would hurt anyone.

Thus, I strongly believe that its the duty of a visitor to camouflage with the region. A host can tolerate minor mistakes, but intentional, disrespecting behaviours isn't acceptable.Tourism is to promote cultures and make others aware of the integrity and tradition of one's own country, not to get their cultures and sentiments , insulted and spoiled. Visitors must respect the cultures and behaviour of the host country.

Word count: 479

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You gave a clear introduction and conclusion. You were able to state your stand why visitors should follow the customs of a foreign country. You gave both sides of the coin. However, you could have added another main point to support further your stand. Remove some sentences that are irrelevant to your main point. Your word count is 479 which is too long. Write between 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have used a good range of vocabulary: “cultural exchange”, “tolerate”, “sentiments”. However, there are some inappropriate word choices: “camouflage”.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
The essay is generally organized. A good range of connecting utterances were used: however, thus, on the other hand, for instance.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There is a good range of grammatical structures:
modals: should also do a little effort
relative clauses: which would hurt anyone
conditionals: if a visitor is confused.

But, there are a number of systematic errors: “localites”, “its the moral duty”, “his/her’s”, “behaviours isn’t”. Avoid run-on/long sentences: “If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask for guidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, which would hurt anyone.”
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If you want a free IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.:)

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #52

noreply@blogger.com (Miracel) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 03:31:00 +0000

The following essay is from Milan. The essay discusses about the causes and effects of drugs on the youth.

People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parents and other members of society often set a bad example.

Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug use by young people in modern day society. Make any recommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youth drug abuse.

Nowadays, people in all modern societies are exposed to problems of drug addiction. The huge problem in particular presents an increasing number of young people who use drugs. The usually start using drugs out of curiosity and to successfully overcome this problem a society should consider introducing educational programs to raise awareness of dugs’ bad influence.

It is not a surprise to read in newspapers about existing problems of youth who enjoy drugs. It is said that number of addicts is becoming higher with every day. According to the recent study in (XXXXX), one of the main reasons of this increase is certainly curiosity of young people to experience drug effects. They might, for example, watch a movie showing their favorite actor taking a drug or read an interview of a musician claiming using drugs. All of these, without doubt, contribute to young people curiosity and they eventually become drug addicts.

In order to solve drug related problems, a society must consider developing and implementing educational programs which man goal is to educate young people of bad drug effects. For instance, such a program was launched in a few high schools in (XXXX). One year after the program’s implementation a study has shown a 5% decrease in young people addiction. These results are promising and clearly show the benefits of educational programs.

Modern society has been facing with younger people drug addiction for a while. One of the ways to mitigate the problem is certainly putting education programs intro practice. There are lots of examples of their successful implementation and therefore, every society must consider applying them.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give reasons and solutions to drug addiction. However, there was no mention of the effects of drugs. Add one more paragraph to discuss the effects. Good introduction and conclusion but improve the reasons in the conclusion. Good statistics to back-up your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Wide range of vocabulary e.g. mitigate, implementation, awareness, exposed. Able to paraphrase some words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Explanation is clear and logical. Good variety of connecting utterances e.g. therefore, in order to, for example. Paragraphs are of the same length, however, add one more paragraph to include the effects.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Good range of grammar structures e.g. perfect tenses: has shown; modals: must consider; passives: was launched; relative clauses: who use drugs. There are some grammar and spelling errors e.g. the usually, dugs’, young people curiosity, man goal.

To get a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.