a thousand blue fish

Grief

2017-03-23T21:47:00.000+02:00

I have started without finishing more posts than I can count. I have and still do find it very difficult to put down the words that will most likely open the sluice gates I am not sure I am willing to open.

We were living in Japan when we received the phone call from my mother telling me that my father had chosen to take his life. My mother felt it necessary to tell me before I read it on Facebook.

I don't want to talk about suicide now or how damn angry I am with him, I will at some stage, I need to share what life is like for those left behind. I do want to talk about how grief is like the scene of a train wreck.

For years I had prided myself in my ability to self-evaluate. I new I was insecure, or if I had treated someone unkindly. I was able to prejudge my emotions and navigate them before they caused damage. I have always been deep, but I had moved clear of the precipice leading to despair.

Grief comes like a thief in the night. It robs you of what you hold most dear, but the realisation of loss only comes with the morning light.

In the process of losing him, I have lost part of myself.

Grief is like a building after an earthquake, the foundation is still there, but the structure lies in ruins.

I have found it harder as the years go on to rebuild or make sense of my life.

And do you know that when you have experienced trauma or tragic loss, life does not stop to allow you the time to process. In the 5 years since that phone call, the hard has been harder than I could ever have imagined.

I apologise for the heaviness and disconnectedness of this post.

Peace be with you

Philippa

The first week of school

2017-01-14T23:31:00.000+02:00

It's late and my thoughts might come out a bit smooshed, but I have to get into the practice of doing this again.

Today was hard. This week was hard.

I started work after a seriously short holiday, with longing in my heart to stay home with Oliver. My heart breaks for the mothers who have to work, I know there are those you want to, but there are many more who have to. My heart breaks for myself. At this stage we have no idea what to do with our precious youngest child. At 14 months he is getting too big and busy to still come to work with me and we cannot afford to put him into a playschool. I am very grateful that he is able to be with Emiel. It works, for now, kinda.

Beatrice started big school this week. It has been exhausting, even trying to type this is exhausting. She uses so much energy trying to be good, trying to listen, trying to concentrate, trying to sit still that the minute steps out of the school building she lets go. I am finding it harder to deal with her letting go. Today, at the mall, she let her body flop, something she does when she is unhappy or unsettled or I don't honestly know why she does it, and I tripped almost landing on top of her. This morning we had a meeting at a place where our children can play, she spent her time flopped over the bench beside me needing me to scratch her back. She wants to be picked up, held, a lot and she is 6. I get it, kinda, but it is so damn hard.

Alexander went back to school with a tummy ache. I was shattered. He had settled in after the first 2 days, and was even excited for the sports day, but then he didn't run fast enough to get a medal. Oh man, how I wish I had some superpower, to zap the disappointment right from my child before it pierced his oh so tender heart. And today, when those girls told him he couldn't play and that he was annoying...

That is all. I would have loved to have shared with you some nugget of wisdom that I have learnt from this week, I don't have it yet. I leave you with this hunk, covered in bolognese sauce.

Peace be with you
Philippa

I overthink things...

2017-01-13T20:45:00.000+02:00

I have spent months thinking about revisiting blogging. Each time the need to express myself arises it is quashed by the fear of grammar or spelling errors, or mistyping things, which happens so easily when you are typing faster than your brain is working. Or making supper takes priority. Or homework needs to be done. Or work needs to be completed. Or I am just so tired from my day and life that I can't string a sentence together let alone allow my thought the freedom to roam.

Enough.

I need this.

Most of the time there is a bit too much life.

I need to write, to express, to share.

That is all, for now.

Peace be with you
Philippa

Well hello there

2012-06-25T14:39:00.000+02:00

I know that I have been scarce and, to be honest I have very good reason. Our laptop is still...well...sad and though I am uber blessed to have a spiffy iPhone 4S blogging from it is not the most fun thing I could be doing. My darling hubs thought it would be best we took a chance and set up the laptop, I think I was starting to worry him. Creatively, except for Instagram, I am suffering just a tad. So here I am doing what I love best, blogging.

(And now I am sitting here wondering what to blog about. And my darling hubs has music on that is only distracting me more)

About a week ago, while at the park with my class, it suddenly dawned on me that we live in Japan. We have moved out of the newness feel and are settled. Our days are filled with children, ours and other peoples, grocery store visits, bicycle rides, runs, moments lost staring out of the window and laundry. We are happy, happier than I would have thought possible two months ago. We still have moments of missing everything we know, everything we have held so dear. I don't think that will ever change, but being here we have learnt to be us. We have learnt to live. And the stewardship we have so craved we are finally getting the hang of.

Some new things we have done, become, now have...the bits I can't fit into a paragraph.

I am in love with my slowcooker. It took me a while to muster up the courage to use it, but ever since I have started I can not get enough of it. It makes cooking so easy and I can bake it in!!!!!!!!
We eat pancakes all the time. They are glutenfree, dairyfree and so good.
We are forever taking photos of things and people. You start to see the world differently, you are suddenly aware of beauty where you would have missed it before.
I eat rice, a lot of rice. This is not such a positive in my books as I have never been such a fan, but my family get so excited the minute the rice cooker is done.
Bebe sounds more Japanese than English at times. We shouldn't be so shocked every time she opens her mouth and we have no understanding of what she is saying, she spends 7hrs of her weekdays with her amazing teacher, who is Japanese. This also means she understands more then we do.
Alexander is happy. He loves school and often doesn't want to leave.
We have ordered online...2 times now This is pretty major as we still don't have a credit card and while we don't really want one, living abroad makes one as useful. Our lifestyle, with regard to food and cleaning products, is not really so commonplace in our little town. It took a while but we are getting to a good place and the deliveries of almond milk, almond butter, pure peanut butter, dates (which I forgot to order see my sad face) help so much. No wait they are such a bonus! Before coming here I had only yearned to taste almond butter and they deliver COD!!!!
I am running. For the first time in my 29 years I am running by choice an enjoying it.

I have so much more but Emiel gave me a time limit and I have passed it and now he's fallen asleep waiting for me to come watch Burn Notice with him.

Before I go let me leave you with this:

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increase strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall not fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."Isaiah 40: 28-31 (ESV)

Be blessed and much love

Philippa

Alexander gets lost

2012-02-25T04:38:00.001+02:00

Last night we lost Alexander while shopping. We'd actually gone to look for a blanket for bicycle rides and he was really excited. We'd also allowed him to walk beside us not attached to us. Being 2 he abused this privilege and bolted. I don't know why we took so long to register that we couldn't see him or why nobody paid us any attention when we started screaming his name. Last night I'm sure I became the crazy gajin (foreigner) ranting. Imagine the scene: I'm dressed like a ... I don't know-someone who didn't go to fashion school... and my eyes are already red and swollen from crying (another tale for another time.) Bebe calmly perched on my hip, didn't even peep. Emiel had the sense to remember that Alexander had wanted to go downstairs and went to look for him. Alexander had taken himself down the escalators (I hated the stupid moving stairs before now I have even more yucky emotion towards them). A woman on the basement floor found him and was standing with him when Emiel got there. For a moment before they came back I felt my world crumbling... there were just so many what if situations... thank you God that I don't have to go there.

Thank you God for protecting my beautiful boy. By the way he turns 3 tomorrow!!!!!!

Happy birthday my darling boy, my Defender of All Mankind, Beloved. Mommy is so blessed to be your mommy!

Much love to you all

Philippa

Bicycle People and why that is important

2012-02-12T13:38:00.002+02:00

On Friday we became bicycle people and joined the masses of other bicycle people in Japan. The bicycles were a gift from the mother of a child in my class. She also goes to the church we go to. She was so sweet about it and so used by God. You see that morning as I'd walked to school I'd told my Daddy God that birthdays have away of making me sad. I got a bit disappointed when I found out my birthday and Alexander's wasn't go to be going the way we'd planned. My last year behavior would have had me sulking and moaning and just generally a big old emotional wreck. (I know why, and I'm working on it.) But on that Friday morning I told my Daddy God that I know He loves me and that He knows me and that I was going to sort my attitude out. This was while I was rushing to school after waking up late. I was also carrying Alexander who was cold and his leg was sore and he couldn't walk and I don't know what else that only happens when walking to or from school.

God gave me a bicycle so I wouldn't have to carry my gorgeous son and so I'd laugh and feel free and like a kid again.

Much love you all

Philippa

And really if I can pray for you for anything I will.

Oh and I you comment I haven't replied it is not for lack of trying. I will sort this thing our once and for all.

"I am happy Mom"

2012-02-06T12:21:00.002+02:00

Today was Alexander's first field trip and well, my first field trip as a teacher. We went to the Momofoku Ando Instant Ramen Museum- the birthplace of instant noodles. With 11 little people, Alexander being the most unruly, my nerves were somewhat frayed by the time we got back to school. Alexander has a way of fraying my nerves at the moment. He has reached a new level of stubbornness that would frighten most mere mortals, but I am not a mere mortal, I am his mother. The most amusing or irritating thing he has come up with is "I am happy Mom" when I have to discipline him. Yes, Alexander, you are happy and I am happy for you, but I am more interested in how happy you will be in your future. I just know as I know that if I am not able to bend his will in the right direction he will grow up to be man that is forceful, hard and demanding.

In other news, my sister's boyfriend is fine. It turned out to be something minor, but painful. I really miss home when I think about my family, but I know that for my family I need to be away. It might not make sense, but it is something.

I am really desperate for my own food. It is way too easy to eat everything that I don't really want for my family. Fruit and vegetables are also super expensive and I have yet to to master anything gluten free here. I have had too many flops to mention. If you want to pray for something for us I'd like a convection oven-microwave.

Ok what else... it is my birthday in 9 days and I am super excited! Which very unlike me I seem to remember actually writing the most miserable post on my birthday last year. Alexander and I are having a combined birthday thing at an aquarium in Osaka. I think it is the second biggest in the world. Woohoo!

And we are trusting for a miracle. Please trust with us. I know its kinda pie in the sky to do that, but I don't feel now is the time to blast it out to the world.

Much love to you all and if I can pray for anything please let me know. And I just want to say thank you to all you my friends, your comments, prayer and support as been felt and so deeply appreciated.

Family

2012-02-01T13:55:00.000+02:00

We have been in Japan for a month now. It has been exciting and awe inspiring, but today more than anything I have wanted to be home. I am typing this at our croc computer with tears streaming and my nose running. I have felt more fragile today than all the fragile days combined. Just before I left for work this morning I checked Facebook and found a message from my sister to please pray for her boyfriend. He is really sick. As I read her message I felt all my resolve come shattering down. I am the eldest child. I am the big sister and for so long it has been my ...I have no words. I managed to smile through the day. But the minute I could I felt my eyes stinging. I want to be with my sister and her daughter. I want to go and visit her boyfriend and tell him we love him and are praying for him.

I know God has led us here and I know that He will comfort better than I could.

Please pray for my sister, her boyfriend and their daughter
Please continue to pray for Japan

Much love to you
Philippa (sorry for the tears)

Falling like rain

2012-01-23T14:39:00.000+02:00

On Saturday we walked to Diamond City (its a mall) which is about 40mins walk away. It was raining but we had a goal. We were off to buy a kitchen... for our children. For the first time in their lives we can buy them toys. God has turned things upside down for us and we are feeling that refreshing feeling of rain on dry land. In other ways we're still a bit confused.

The kitchen was an incredible privilege. We are able to buy our children presents, buy food, eat out, save and pay our bills all in the same month. I so believe this is a reflection of "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28. We've allowed and said yes, to God cutting, pruning, chopping, we've fallen at His feet and now He is just loving on us in a most amazing way.

Thank you Lord.

Much love
Philippa

School day

2012-01-17T14:15:00.000+02:00

Shoes have to be left at the door. In this pic Alexander is trying on his new shoes. we left them with all the other shoes and told him to tidy the shoes.

Way cool! And a bit big!

I am the man!

My attempt at obento the Japanese way of packing school lunches. Heck, mum's who want to complain about lack of ideas should try walk in my shoes.

Bebe stuffing her face with a segment! of a mikon (I think that's what its called-Japanese orange)

I am utterly exhausted. My body is aching just a wee bit and my eyes are just that bit sore. It was a surprisingly long day with my class behaving something like little hooligans. Alexander was really, really awful. He was up at 5:30 which affected the way he responded to me which is a tad awkward as I am his teacher.. I don't think his little system understands the long days. Have I mentioned I am teaching a kindergarten class? I probably have but I can't remember who I've told what. I am loving my little class and am at the same time overwhelmed with the desire to love them they way they'll understand God's love. They need to understand that God loves them. Japan has a lot of dysfunction with family. Dads work hard and moms desire perfection. Our school offers a respite, a safe space.

Please pray for Japan. It is a nation that doesn't want to admit its hurts. Please pray that God will move here.
Please pray we'd be ever aware of His direction.

Much love
Philippa

Again if you need prayer please don't hesitate to message me.

Taking the train

2012-01-14T16:56:00.000+02:00

We had been planning to take a trip to Umeda, Osaka all week. It was to be this great adventure as 1. it would be all aboard a train and 2. it was seeing something new. Alexander was so excited to take his first train ride, but was also exhausted from his first week at school. I am so impressed by how my little man has grown and is constantly improving.

We arrived at our local station around 10, but ended up spending 25mins trying to figure out how to buy tickets. We managed to get on the train, all a bit weary. The trip was around twenty minutes, it could have been longer, or shorter for that matter. There were loads of stops and people getting on and off and it was really quiet. Alexander and BeBe always get some attention from strangers, but this was even done in hushed tones. It freaks me out, the quieter the surroundings the more I shush my children who probably don't need quite so much shushing.

I'm making it sound bad, but it wasn't. The trip was peaceful and exciting! The station at Umeda, on the other hand was a complete shock. For whatever reason we thought Umeda would be like a bigger Ikeda, but it wasn't. Umeda station is huge and bustling and full to the seams of people bustling to and fro.

Stepping out the doors of the station was awe inspiring. We're not quite country bumpkins, but our love for cities is not that great. Umeda is lots of tall buildings and malls of 9-15 floors. There were a millions restaurants and clothing stores and we found it completely overwhelming. It's not very child friendly. We were flabbergasted at the amount of shopping that happens for things and clothing and cutsie stuff.

The trip home was quick and we were delighted to get back to our little 'town.' We'd told Alexander we'd buy him shoes while still in Umeda at the Hankyu Mall. Everything there was beyond what we're prepared to spend (designer labels for kids). We decided we'd still buy him shoes and a donut to compensate for the craziness of the day. We were blessed to find shoes for 300yen (as opposed to 3, 990 yen.)

Please excuse the writing, I'm tired my feet are numb from pain, my hands are throbbling (they've cracked from the cold and I sliced the tip off my thumb nail into the bed) and my brain is fuzzy. This will be one of those post I'll read later and wonder what I was doing.

I was really not enjoying my day or Japan for that matter when we decided on MacDonald's for lunch. Generally I hate MacDonald's but today is was an oasis. While sitting there Alexander accidently dropped an entire cup of coffee on the floor. The lady who cleaned the floor was so sweet and kind,she even gave us another cup.

I am so tired. I keep yawning and every time I type I have to read over it to make sure it makes sense. I should write this tomorrow. One last attempt: we had taken Alexander to the only place that seemed available to kids, a games arcade. Alexander came very close to winning a huge stack of chocolate. We left the our audience with an advantage. While at MacD's two girls came up to us holding two bags of chocolates. The girls had been in our auidience and had won. They decided to give a pack to each of the littlies. So sweet!

Ok I have to go to bed-i'm swaying as I type. Please excuse all typos, and bad writing.

Much love

Philippa

Five Minute Friday:Awake

2012-01-13T16:31:00.000+02:00

This piece is for Five Minute Friday hosted by Lisa-Jo at Gypsy Mama. The rule are simple: write without correcting or rereading for 5 minutes.

Go:

I cannot believe how awake I feel after a week of new, after two weeks of crazy new. This journey to this mysterious place filled to the brim with more than my words can describe has kept me up thinking, dreaming, questioning, reasoning. I should go to bed, a bed foreign to me a foreigner, but I want to connect with my people half way across the world in the warmth and freedom of South Africa. Oh, how I miss you.

I wish I had more to write. I think I'm not as awake as I thought I was...

Stop.

It is the end of a long week. I am tired and off to bed. We are going to attempt our first Japanese train ride to the Umeda which is in northern Osaka, I think.

Much love to you
Philippa

Chocolate and Alien Cards

2012-01-12T16:17:00.000+02:00

We are completely overwhelmed by all of the treats and yummy things we walk by every day. The Japanese really seem to love their sweet stuff. It has really not helped that fruit and vegetable are pricey, meat is not and the deli food tastes better than my cooking at the moment. Aagh !!!! I could really pull my hair out! My children were eating so well! My husband was eating so well! Aagh!!!! The truth is I cannot understand a word written on the labels of any product in any of the stores. We're also waiting to pick up our Alien Cards, then we can open up a bank account and then get a credit card. We've never wanted to do that but for our particular needs online shopping is a necessity.

Tomorrow marks two weeks in Japan! We have gone through a whole range of emotions, many of them calling us home to the freedom and space and familiarity of South Africa, but more importantly to the warmth and comfort of family. Friends, we miss you too, but family longing is something else. God's calling is however louder so here we will stay and live and laugh and pour our lives out for the beautiful children we'll teach. I was so aware of the space to live Christ out the moment I met my class. And we were reminded that the Christ in us will communicate with the Christ in others, no translation required. We know this will bond us with our church and a community of people who do not know the goodness of God.

Alexander is so happy in his new school and I am so happy teaching. My class is bubbly and alive. It is a little different having my little boy with me, but I see the blessing in it. I think it's so funny that I am teaching again.

I must tell that we were so blessed meeting the people in our new church. It was really daunting as the language barrier is very real, but there is a warmth and it is because of our children. And because of our children one woman blessed is with a huge present. It is a heated carpet! God so knows my heart.

And the rice is so good one can understand how it is the most important part of the Japanese diet.

Much love you
Please pray for us, we're trusting for a few things.
Philippa

Tea

2012-01-05T16:24:00.000+02:00

We applied for our Alien Card and got medical (provided by the state) and some other grants yesterday. The experience was overwhelming for me. It made the differences just so much more evident. The Japanese run things so efficiently and smoothly. I am most definitely not saying this is a bad thing. The experience was overwhelming because of my children. The place we went to is open plan- everyone sits together. This shouldn't be a problem, but with Alexander performing like a circus animal (by Japanese standards) my nerves were shot. And with the noise he made I expected the workforce to come to a standstill but they didn't, they didn't even acknowledge him. In South Africa my son has caught the attention of everyone in the grocery store.

I am not overwhelmed now, I am missing my family so bad, but I know God has called us here and will comfort me here. We are excited to be in the Will of God, the sweetest spot to be.

The days are already running into a blurry mess for me (which is exactly how I was back at my other home). Ok, what's happened lately? It snowed yesterday! It wasn't a whole lot of snow but for us South Africans it was amazing. And we ate at the coolest restaurant yesterday. A bunch of the restaurants we've gone to give you tea when you sit down (it's cold) and water. Side note: we didn't eat out a whole lot in South Africa, which means the littlies are not really very aware of how to behave. Alexander has lain on the floor, spilled his drink twice and played drums with his chopsticks. Beatrice tries to climb out of the awesome little people chairs. Back to the main feature: You order at a machine, pay and take your ticket to the kitchen. Your meal, whatever it may be, comes with rice which you can top up. And, what else, I saw my classroom. I am going to be teaching kindergarten and Alexander will be in my class. And we found Rooibos tea!!!!!!!! And Ceres juice!!!! Mmm, what else? Today we walked up through town to Satsukiyama Park and Zoo. It is incredibly beautiful. The zoo was free and had really awesome animals. Ikeda's mascot is a wombat doanted by Launceton (Ikeda's sister city), Tasmania.

These posts will continue to be a bit jumbled until I settle a bit more. I am observing so much and I'd really like to share it with you.

Much love to you
Philippa

Japan our new home and Costco

2012-01-03T17:00:00.002+02:00

I am saying outright that there will be no photo's with this post-its late and I'm just too tired. We're still feeling the jet lag and the time difference.

Japan is feeling more and more like home, that being said I am still referring to my beloved South Africa as home. I wonder can I have two homes? Alexander is still asking to go granny's house. We spent so much time at my parents house... I am trying heard not to think to much about family, because I miss them so intensely and I just know that I'll spend days in tears if I do.

We went to Costco today. For those of you that are wondering what that is, it is a huge wholesale store (American) and they sell everything. The experience was rather thrilling. We bought loads and spent very little (we think). We found raw almonds which is a bonus as the only nuts we've found are roasted.

A side note: Beatrice has woken up and is screaming!!!! Emiel is trying to get her back to sleep but she will only settle if he hands her to me. I'm listening to this wondering if we've created a monster or if there's something wrong.

Back to the main feature: We are uber puzzled by the Japanese fashion. Many of the young women and little girls wear short shorts and long socks and its so cold I get colder looking at them.

Ok I have more to say but my eyes are sore which is a sure sign I need to go to bed.

Much love
Philippa

Day 1, 2 and 3

2012-01-01T17:48:00.000+02:00

Day 1: We arrived around 5 to really cold weather. It was already dark and we were obviously tired. We were met by a lovely couple who took us via a supermarket to our new. Just stepping into it told us we are no longer in South Africa. Jaqueline came up to introduce herself. It was so nice to meet this amazing woman who has been so good to us in the process of getting here. I wish I could it was lights out early but the littlies would not sleep.

Day 2: Jaqueline bravely takes us out to explore and get a survival course of Ikeda. The poor girl did not know what she let herself into. The littlies were acting crazy!
We ate breakfast/lunch and a Ramen bar. Ramen is instant noodles and they're a big deal. They are not gluten free (to be honest until I've understood the food a bit better we'll put that on hold) but the experience is awesome. Again the littlies were not on their best behaviour!
We were joined by Chiaki (I hope), Jaqueline's friend and went to Starbucks.
We did some shopping and it felt sooo good to buy what we needed and wanted without feeling sick. This is a different life for us. It really feels like God has gifted us with this.
Came home and thought we'd settled by 10 or so. Beatrice at this point start vomiting. Yuck! We got to bed around 2am which was 7 pm back home.

Day 3: We spent much of the day with the pastor of the church, his family and Jaqueline. It was sooo special. We ate a soup that is only eaten on New Years day and the best sushi I've ever eaten. The company was so warm and I felt at home.
After that we took the littlies for a walk to get them tired. We also needed to get some supplies. We ate supper at a Japanese family style restaurant. They offer an array of different food styles at a really good price. It will probably become a regular.

Sorry for the lamish writing. I am tired, but I have internet... in my house... and the littlies are asleep. It is 00:45 here. I guess I should go to bed.

Much love
Philippa

First glimpses of our Japan

2012-01-01T17:23:00.000+02:00

The first pic is of...well...me packing and my little brother watching a movie.

This next one is of Alexander snuggled up on the plane. We flew with Emirates and it was amazing! The Dubai airport at 1am is, however, overwhelming.

Our first experience of a Japanese supermarket.

Takashi and Tiffany are a couple from the church. They picked us up from the airport and then took us to the store.

The littlies were not playing along at this point, but who could really blame them?

Our first Starbucks experience (Emiel's first) was in Japan!! And man was it good!!!

Chiaki (I hope that's right) and Jaqueline.

Jaqueline is amazing. She does a bit of everything at the church and has been so helpful in getting us here. She is Brazilian believe it or not. She had to learn Japanese when she came to Japan to study and then learnt English! Bright girl and such a sweet person.

The box I am holding is this incredible thing that some Japanese stores do. They sell a bunch of items in a box or bag for a few thousand yen. This box held a jacket, a plaid long sleeve shirt, a t-shirt, a long sleeve and a zip up sweatshirt. The label is a surf label. For 5,000yen (not a lot) my husband got some stunning much needed clothing.

This is our gorgeous new pram with the rain cover in use. Ikeda is cold, really cold.

This is a shopping area. It is so pretty.

Waiting for our lift to our New Years day lunch with the pastors of the church. It was such a special time. We felt welcomed and just so blessed!

Our block. We are on the top left corner.

Laundry and no, Mom we haven't let it pile up. Travel and vomiting Beatrice resulted in this pile up. And guess what this is a rather typical Japanese approach to hanging laundry out to dry.

The bubble thing on the shelving unit is a rice cooker. The rice here is soooo good! The food here is soooooo good!

Shoes get left at the door much to Alexander's disgust. He is attached to his shoes. My poor little man has battled the most emotionally. On the first night he cried and fretted and was awake for hours (there is a jet lag element) asking for home, his own bed, family members. My heart broke. I told him that this is our home now. I am really not sure what all God has for us I just know that at this moment this strange, new, exciting place is home.

The special photos an air hostess took of us on the plane. It was just supposed to be of the kids, but she took one of us as well.

More washing and behind it the room we haven't decided what to do with yet.

Our sleeping system is futons on the floor. The littlies are with us until they settle.

The sink and laundry.

The bath is a rather interesting concept. The floor beside has a drain so you wash there. The bath is super deep for soaking.

The cross was a present from my aunt. It is made of wood so we were so relieved to see it had made the flight.

The toilet is different. It doesn't have the computerised seat so popular in Japan. What it has is a wash basin on top, so when you flush, water shoot out of the tap and fills the cistern. Ingenious!

I hope you enjoyed this peek. I will shortly post just on the miracle of how we got here.
Much love
Philippa

We are here

2011-12-31T15:27:00.000+02:00

Oh my goodness I have so many word racing around in this tired brain. There is so much I want to share with you to tell you about this amazing place! We are stunned speechless, I think it could also be the exhaustion by God's faithfulness, His majesty and the blessing of this opportunity. Japan is incredible and that is just our little... suburb...I will learn the correct word.

Hope you are well

Much love

Philippa

And please if I can pray for anything, please let me know

Christmas... and tears

2011-12-27T14:37:00.000+02:00

I'm feeling a little teary and my tummy is sore and my nose is leaking. In 2 days we say goodbye to family and hello to a new life. I am so excited for the new journey, but my family is so important to me! I am the eldest of 4 children, the almost oldest cousin and niece and in 2 days I say goodbye to them.

It was the loveliest Christmas I have experienced in a very long time. It was free from worry and stress and the Grinch was not so grinchy. The Christmas tree was the prettiest I remember it being. There weren't as many presents, but there was so much love. I missed my sister and her little family sooooo much! We were thankful. It was a sweet spot, a safe place and my tummy is getting more sore as I write this. And I'm battling to see the screen as the tears pour down...and my nose is leaking...

I am privileged and excited and I am nervous. And the littlies are a bit unsettled. Our God is most faithful, most loving, most beautiful and I know He knows.

Please continue to pray for us. We are still needing a few things on the needs list to be ticked off.

Much love
Philippa

Swollen-eye girl

2011-12-22T14:10:00.000+02:00

My husband suggests I change my e-mail to swolleneyegirl@something.somethingelse. It has something to do with the look of my right eye. Little children, mine, were playing rough in my bed. One child, the boy, pushes the other child, the girl, and that child lands on/in my eye. What happened as a result is a fracture in the bone behind the eye. Not really a problem, but I blew my nose a bit later. This pushed air through the fracture in the sinus and it popped my eye out of the socket. Luckily I was able to put it back. I have to rest my eye and not blow my nose for 10days. But God is so faithful, it could have been worse, the eye doctor blessed us with huge discount and another patient offered us a free family photo shoot.

And in other news we will be picking up our visas on the 28th of December!!!!!!! God is so faithful and we have seen miracle upon miracle happen! We know He will continue to move all mountains! Please continue to pray for us!

As sore as my eye is I am feeling very blessed. God is incredible and I love Him so much.

Much love
Philippa

If there is anything I can pray for please let me know.

P.s. Arthur Christmas is awesome!!!!!!

Its Christmas time and all I can think about is Japan!

2011-12-19T16:25:00.000+02:00

Ooh its Christmas so very soooon and I can't wait... to go to Japan!!!!! I love Christmas normally, normally I have all these ideas in my somewhat jumbled-mama's head (only a mother will know what it means to have a jumbled head) about the kind of Christmas I want for my family. And most years I don't get it right, and next year I know I will, but this Christmas all I can think about is... Japan. And Christmas movies!

We watched Polar Express recently, it was a treat for Alexander which went down favorably with me. And I just loved that the message behind the movie was that the celebration was about the spirit of Christmas not Father Christmas, or the gifts, but friendship and loving one another. Please don't get me wrong and wonder whether I remember to put Christ in Christmas, I do and I don't. I so believe we should honor the birth of Christ, but 25 December is a bit off. But I also believe that it a wonderful time for people to especially honor Christ and show those who don't personally know Him how incredibly loving He is. The spirit of Christmas is loving people, showing kindness and generosity. These are all things that those who love God should be doing everyday. Christmas allows us a more focused time to do that.

As I said all I can think about is Japan and Christmas movies and I will watch as many Christmas movies as I can get Emiel to concede to before Christmas, but when Christmas is over I just know that the excitement will be overflowing. Japan represents so much to us, it is a gift and at the same time a shove out of the nest. I haven't mentioned it yet, but our Certificate of Eligibility has been approved!!!!! And a wonderful family God has connected us with paid for us to get a new twin pram!!!!! Alexander's unabridged birth certificate has also arrived, the day we heard we'd been approved.

Please continue to pray for us. We still have a few things on our needs list, but God is the mountain mover!!!!

I almost forgot to tell you that my incredible husband surfed for 9hrs this past Friday as a fundraiser.

Much love to you all
Philippa

If God is love...

2011-12-08T16:45:00.001+02:00

If God is love (which He is) and we believe that we are God's representatives then shouldn't our first response be to love? For the longest time I have felt more and more strongly that God wants us to live simply. He will continue to bring revelation and new words and heal and do miracles, but He will do it all out of love. And His instructions are really clear: "Jesus said, 'Love the LORD your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them." Matthew 22: 37-40, The Message

This kind, beautiful, strong, gentle man, Jesus, loved people. He lived among people and laughed with them. He favored the company of "sinners" to that of the religious "right."
Passing along, Jesus saw, a man at his work collecting taxes. His name was Matthew. Jesus said, "Come along with me." Matthew stood up an followed him.
Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew's house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. when the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit and lit in Jeus' followers. "What kind of example is this from the Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?"
Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go Figure out what this Scripture means: 'I'm after mercy, not religion.' I'm here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders. Matthew 9: 9-13, The Message

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgement day--our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life--fear of death, fear of judgement--is one not yet fully formed in love.
We, though, are going to to love--love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.
If anyone boasts, "I love God," and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won't love the person he can see now, how can he love the God he can't see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love them both. 1John 4:17-21, The Message

I am learning to love everyone, even the screechy, rude people I'd rather not.

Much love
Philippa

p.s. read this. It so encouraged me Daddy

The wait

2011-12-07T17:28:00.001+02:00

My kids are not good at waiting. They look sweet here but in the real world if they had to sit or stand anywhere waiting for us they'd be moaning. In the same way if anyone could tune into my frequency they may hear a bit of a moan. Actually they'd hear a rumbling nausea. Its not a panic, because I know as I know as I know that God is doing exactly what God does. And I trust Him. Its just something like: there is so much that I have no control over and so much that still needs to happen, how Lord?.

And there have been a couple of low days and then amazing teaching. A low day happened on Friday when the wheel on our beloved twin pram decided it just couldn't anymore. And it happened in a busy shop and nobody helped me. And that was after the lady in the Post Office determinedly avoided smiling at me. But I had been reading something about that in Oswald Chambers. I can't quite remember exactly what he said-I just know it was a lesson in keeping your peace even when the upset comes after all the good stuff. And then God chose Soul Surfer for us (we don't really splurge on the pricey DVD's so we play this guessing game...) Anyway from the minute we pressed play we knew that God is so faithful. I so recommend it to you. Take the chance and be inspired. And watch the doccie on the special features.

And then I have been given so many opportunities to share and teach. And people keep asking me to tell them how I lost weight. And I know that I am going to be helping people move in the direction of good health. And I have been able to teach people about God's provision and our need to do our part. We need to be good stewards of everything God has given us and then to be generous with it all as well. We need to be generous with our love. There are so many broken people, so many rejected people and really it takes something as simple as a smile to make them feel like they are worth something. And maybe then they'd feel like letting you in their life and you could love them enough that they'd know the worth they really have.

For so long I would tell people that my life will be the book that people can read and then they'll know how good God is. And for so long it didn't seem to be happening. I am so grateful for all the muck, the lessons, the growth. I am colourful and God is using me. Thank you Lord.

Please continue to pray for us. And all the people we are coming into contact with that they would be blessed abundantly the way they need it. And please know that I am trusting God for truth and hope and love in all your lives. I love you very much.

Much love
Philippa

4 Years of marriage

2011-12-01T16:37:00.001+02:00

I woke up this morning to a smell I couldn’t quite place. It was a manly smell that I haven’t smelt in a month as my husband has been participating in Movember. Before I’d even had time to put my glasses on (which means my seeing eyes are not seeing much) he’d handed me a stone shaped like a heart with the most perfect hole in it. I kissed him and wished him happy anniversary. At this point he jumped out of bed and grabbed a small black and gold bag out of his cupboard. Inside the bag was a box and inside the box was the most beautiful, thoughtful present I could ever had hoped for. Emiel had, in the last couple of weeks, found a coin from Swaziland. He had taken the coin and had it put on a silver chain… for me. Swaziland is my heart place, my safe place if ever a physical place could be that. We went there for a few days on our honeymoon because I wanted so badly to show the man I loved the place I loved. And it was as if Swaziland was on display just for this introduction. Emiel has been before for missions, but he did not know it the way I did, the way someone can only know a place because of a lifelong connection. I know God led my husband in his gift. The coin he found “by mistake” is one from our honeymoon, dated 2007, the year we got married.

This thoughtful gift is reflective of how our marriage has grown and how we have grown and matured in it. It reflects a restoration and God's graciousness. It also is reflective of a commitment to keep working at it. Our fist year of marriage was a breeze, except we were poor because of really bad stewardship. Our second year saw the birth of our son and the beginning of the unraveling. While it didn't, at the time, look like it had anything to do with our marriage, God uses all things... I am not saying that God wants us to go through bad things. What God wants is that we grow, He wants beauty for ashes and us to shine His love. God wants great marriages. For us it meant dealing with all the muck we had allowed and the things we hadn't yet dealt with. The beginning of last year (3rd year) saw us coming very close to calling it quits. I was pregnant with Beatrice and God revealed cracked foundations and a lack of unity. I am rather going to get Emiel to write a post explaining the situation as it was something that was being worked out in him. (I also know that God has gifted Emiel through this and other circumstances with the ability to teach other men how to find and value freedom.) At the same I was learning to pray for my husband. It was a very hard, very dark time. As a wife you go through all the heartache and the lesson your husband is learning. The only way I can think to illustrate it is: secondhand smoke. Now I am grateful for that time. We are stronger. Our love for each other has matured. There is laughter.

I woke up this morning to a man whose presence I crave. He is my best friend and my lover. He makes me weak at the knees. I woke up to this beautiful life that I am so grateful for!

Much love
Philippa

Really if you need prayer send me an e-mail.

Wow!!

2011-11-28T17:45:00.001+02:00

I am so tired and I am sure I am going to be called away before I even get to write what is on my heart.

Today has not been the greatest. It has been twilight-zone-ish. We are in this really intense place in our lives and because everything is moving so quickly a slow day feels even slower.

And my heart is really quite sore. After our big walk Emiel and I watched the movie The Bang Bang Club. Oh, my goodness. I have always been so against Apartheid and for years actually felt embarrassed for being white. I was horrified watching this movie, that I know so little about the struggles in my beloved South Africa. I felt mortified by the human depravity and the brokenness. And it strengthened my resolve to live the way Christ did on this earth. I want to love as he did. I want to treat people with respect and see the Christ in them.

While we watched the movie my mom phoned to let me know that a guy from our previous church had died tragically in a motorbike accident. I didn't know this man well, but I know that for so long I judged his Christianity. He was too fun, laughed too freely, didn't seem to follow the same rules I thought I was supposed to follow. And then after not having seen him for something like a year I saw him at that worship event. It really hit me hard. This man had a wife and two little children and a church family that loved him. And then I saw all of the tributes poured out of people's hearts onto their Facebook statuses and I was blown away. The testimony and legacy of this man is incredible. He reflected that side of God that is life and joy and freedom!

God moves in a way we will never be able to predict or fully understand. He does things and allows things that sometimes freak me out. There are so many questions of how and why that could be asked, but I don't feel the need to ask them. I don't know how or why but I have such peace that God will turn all things to the good for those that are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28).

And then today God did something amazing. A friend of my brother's, who we have not spoken to in a very long time, gave R10 000 towards our trip. I must tell you the amount is overwhelming but it is the giver that speaks so much more of God being in control. We are so grateful.

Lord I love you.

Please pray for that family, church family and friends who are brokenhearted. Please pray for my country. Please also pray for all the people who have supported us, that God would move mightily in their lives.

Much love
Philippa