I have been known to enjoy my holidays, and have blogged about them before, and a not-too-past trip to South Africa was outstanding in every way.

 So, you could say I was spoiled there with good food like braised lamb shanks.

I even loved the exotic steak meats like the crocodile and the ostrich.

The fearless gourmet in me even dared to sample the kind of foods even those bred on eating meats would baulk at—sample the typical jerky-style dried beef, ostrich, deer, antelope, and bigger game. 

(These jerkies would go well with beer and a game of football, the Africans would have you believe.)

At Cape Town’s famous restaurant Mama Africa, I chickened out of 

the invertebrates in the menu!

And all the exotic food and drink were enjoyed in backdrops that are the stuff of dreams and hallucinations.

Don’t miss the author’s celebrated feet as he savors his cheap and excellent South African wine in the midst of the Kruger while watching elephants mate (or whatever it is that they do when not taking gigantic craps).

So (hello, readers, are you still there?) with this African experience not having entirely receded from my mind, I ventured off recently to Thailand with minimal expectations.

I had been to that country several times before, and what would be different this time? Leela was very kind when giving me a list of places to eat, and I thought I would somehow endure the few days of holidaying in Bangkok and Phuket.

As my cynical mind suspected, I was spot on.

In Phuket, the weather was gloomy, as we saw from the hotel.

 The room had only two verandahs with ocean views, and only one of them was air-conditioned! Gasp, I thought, what has this world come to!

In addition, there were little animals in the room, which kind of competed for space in the tiny suite provided.

The nearby events in Samao and Indonesia were reminders of how perilously perched our world often is.

The Thai Engrees made things more fun.

(helloo! Can you hear me?)

(come in side, but chill out side, geddit? Hopefully, the verb meant a form of leg movement!)

In Phuket’s Jung Ceylon mall, there is an excellent food court, with Wine Connection (a restaurant that serves the most incredible chocolate moose mousse and caramel custard,  unfortunately un-captured in photographs as they had incredibly short table lives) standing out for class. The KFC in there (and in other places) has a Thai curry-style fried chicken that is an experience! Such a spicy and delectable chicken dish is really unusual! My son had it every day (I kid you not), not heeding my stern warnings about trans fats and atherosclerosis.

In Bangkok, as Leela had recommended, I decided to have dinner at Cabbages and Condoms. However, I had not reckoned with the awesome traffic.

In fact, bikes and scooters were riding gaily on the pavements, a la India. 

 At the restaurant, the starters were exceptional, specially the prawn with peppers, the tom yum goong, and the catfish salad (it has spiced raw mangoes in it).

The restaurant, in spite of its name and its social purpose (they serve condoms in place of mints), is tastefully designed.

I was wondering what the heck the fried thing in the salad was, though the name said it was catfish. It was as if egg fritters were fried in hot oil. Delicious and unique. The chicken tom kha soup I had was good, but slightly sweet. Not bad at all, but I love a more creamy tom kha.

The entreé of deep fried pork in garlic pepper was disappointing (they burned the garlic, I think), but the chicken in lemongrass was excellent. In the pic, you can see the pork and the jasmine rice (including a unique red variety) in the background, and the chicken in front.

I must say I had planned to eat Tab Tim Krob, the delicious water chestnut sweet, after Leela’s post on it. I was not disappointed. This was in one of the Be Siam (or some such) restaurants.

Bei Otto:

Another evening, it was time to try Bei Otto, a German restaurant (possibly the only good one in Bangkok)  located in Sukhumvit. 

A simple grill platter of German bratwurst, pork chops and veal cutlets, served with sauerkraut and mashed potatoes, was enough to sate three of us, though I had, gastronomically speaking, a relative off day. Dessert was mangoes served with cream and ice cream and a light filo pastry. Amazing. Definitely worth a visit every time!

Restaurants apart, even the food courts in the many malls of Bangkok offer uncountable treats for the foodie. I had sushi like I have never had before. Cream pastries. Cakes. Miso soups. Pad thai. Oh, I am already tired, with so many foods I have yet to list!

The street food is eclectic. You can find incredible junk, and you can find delicious local specialties like grilled bananas. I believe they sell frog legs but I never got to eat or see that!

 So, in summary, I hope I have convinced you that Thailand is one country I am definitely not planning to visit in a long time, till next year, anyways. Especially considering that I gained ten pounds in eight days.

The only reason that I can think of is it might, just might, get me a guest post in some celeb blog like  http://www.shesimmers.com. Or maybe not. Once bitten, twice Thai, I mean, shy!

1. Is it because they forget their username/password and get locked out of their blog?

2. Is it because they start new websites and write for the development of that site?

3. Do they lose their speech because some greedy female fan bit off their tongue (a species of Ardentophilus linguophagicus)? Aside– do ‘they’ have a tongue or several tongues?

4. Do they get elected President?

5. Do they rub shoulders in fashion events with scantily clad nymphs who look like Asian Paints representatives? 

6. Do they lose their sense of humor and start writing columns for other websites?

In case you guessed it, here is a holiday for two to Alaska from me– here is a priceless depiction of the erstwhile blogger Rambodoc (now occasionally seen, like a horse in pajamas, in social media like Twitter or Facebook) on the ramp. The pictures of sundry Asian Paints representatives rubbing their ample assets on his strong arms have been deleted by the Indian Government. 

Oh, and about the Alaska trip? Just buy the tickets. I will buy you a bear beer.

Mark Sanford of South Carolina still hasn’t resigned. He spent 5 days visiting his mistress in Argentina. His wife Jenny has reportedly already signed a book deal and I don’t think she likes him very much any more. So who do you think was safer over the the 4th of July weekend: Joe Biden in Iraq or Mark Sanford with his family in Florida? I’m guessing Joe Biden. (Rich Orwell)

Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through. (Janice Hough)

A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying. (Conan O’Brien)

So Sarah Palin has said she will cede power to Alaska’s lieutenant governor. And as a New Yorker, all I can say is: “Sure. What could possibly go wrong?” (Marc Ragovin)

Okay, John Edwards, Dick Cheney and now Sarah Palin. Hard to believe that the least embarassing V. P. candidate in recent memory is Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

A pending law would put guns in Arizona bars. Normally packing a gun is dangerous, but the risks are minimal thanks to the calming and sensible effects of alcohol. (Alex Kaseberg)

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama “misread” the severity of the recession. And former President Bush said “See what can go wrong when you read?” (Janice Hough)

This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny Sanford is wishing her husband’s “soul mate” had been Sahel Kazemi. (Janice Hough)

The two-hour Michael Jackson Memorial service took place on Tuesday in Los Angeles’ Staples Center. Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson both spoke, and when you throw in Michael Jackson you’ve got three of the best ball handlers in history. (Jerry Perisho)

SARAH PALIN

In a recent poll, 7 out of 10 Republicans say they would like to have Sarah Palin as their presidential candidate for President in 2012. In a stunning display of bipartisanship, President Obama added, “Me too.” (Janice Hough)

Former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she is resigning as Governor of Alaska. Palin says she is tired of the “superficial, wasteful political bloodsport”. She would like to return to more conventional bloodsport, like shooting moose from a helicopter. (Jim Barach)

The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved good-bye to Russia. Obama was waving to her. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin said in her resignation speech that not quitting would have been a “quitter’s way out.” While most Americans may not be sure what she meant, they still wish she would explain it to Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent.(Conan O’Brien)

Here’s what I can tell you about having your own TV show. Sarah, if you’re watching, and you get a TV show, you gotta be very careful what you say on the air, because you can get yourself into a lot of trouble, okay? (David Letterman)

Reportedly Alaskans have asked Tina Fey if she wants to finish out Governor Sarah’s Palin’s term. She looks the same, sounds more articulate, and has been spending about the same amount of time recently in Alaska. (Janice Hough)

In an interview with “Runner’s World” Sarah Palin bragged she could beat Barack Obama in a road race. Now we know she would quit halfway. (Alex Kaseberg)

During her resignation speech, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin compared herself to a good point guard, knowing when to pass the ball. She is looking for an endorsement deal from Nike, who has created a new ad campaign relating to her presidential aspirations; it’s the “Just Blow It” campaign. (Jerry Perisho)

MARK SANFORD

Governor Mark Sanford didn’t really enjoy this year’s Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.(David Letterman)

Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman in Argentina. (John Aravosis)

Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with their wives. (Pedro Bartes)

Mark Sanford refused calls for him to resign as governor of South Carolina. He spent the Fourth of July in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. Womanizers around the country agreed it was a rather inappropriate way to spend Independence Day. (Argus Hamilton)

AL FRANKEN

Al Franken’s victory in the Minnesota Senate race means Democrats have 60 voting members … but still none that are funny. (Todd Long)

Any truth to the rumor this was Al Franken’s first statement on being finally seated in the Senate? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people elected me.” (Janice Hough)

Al Franken has finally been sworn in as Senator from Minnesota. Republicans immediately renamed him Al Frankenstein. Now they want him to push for a Supreme Court nomination for the Church Lady. (Joe Hickman)

Walter Mondale walked Al Franken to the Senate for his swearing-in Tuesday. He lost a presidential race and a Senate election. Walter Mondale once said there is no place for G-d in politics and apparently G-d felt the same way about Walter Mondale. (Argus Hamilton)

MICHAEL JACKSON

Staples Center hosted both Michael Jackson’s funeral and the Ringling Brothers opening Tuesday. What a day. Everybody’s favorite moment was when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and twenty-five other dignitaries all got out of the same Volkswagen. (Argus Hamilton)

The Michael Jackson memorial service is Tuesday in Los Angeles. Family members are disgusted with the exploitation of his death. In fact, each plans to write a book about it. (Alan Ray)

Michael Jackson’s family was reported to be planning a tour where he’ll perform with his brothers as a hologram. The technology allows engineers in the booth to control a star’s entire performance. President Obama’s handlers think it could replace the TelePrompter. (Argus Hamilton)

California officials are concerned with the cost of Michael Jackson’s memorial to the city of LA. Things are so bad, Arnold was spotted across the Staples Center selling Jackson’s t-shirts to raise money. (Pedro Bartes)

Bubbles the Chimp was not invited to Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. He’s living in an animal shelter for great apes in Florida. It was twenty-four years ago today that Bubbles ran away from the circus to join the Jackson family. (Argus Hamilton)

During his speech at the Jackson’s memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning White. (Pedro Bartes)

Los Angeles deployed hundreds of police for Michael Jackson’s memorial service Tuesday. It’s a fiscal crisis. The city is broke and can’t pay overtime so cops have been asked to work just for the chance to beat demonstrators at a historic event. (Argus Hamilton)

Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, “Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?” (Conan O’Brien)

Al Sharpton told the crowd Tuesday that Michael Jackson’s crossover popularity made the careers of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods possible and elected Barack Obama. It was a stunning speech. Millions of Michael Jackson’s younger fans had no idea he was black. (Argus Hamilton)

Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his rented home… to play doctor with the kids. (Pedro Bartes)

The mother of two of Michael Jackson’s kids, Debbie Rowe, says she wants them back. I’m sure they mean a lot to her, probably several hundred millions worth. (Tim Hunter)

Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris completely stole the show Tuesday with a tearful and heartfelt tribute to her dad. Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Jennifer Hudson could only watch. The lesson of Michael Jackson’s life is that a ten-year-old can upstage anybody. (Argus Hamilton)

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe Jackson pounded Michael’s casket, screaming, we do it all over again. (Pedro Bartes)

Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein said Thursday he doesn’t think he’s the biological father of the kids but he doesn’t rule it out. You know how it is in Los Angeles. Nobody is claiming those kids until they find out if they can sing. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama says he wants a health care bill on his desk by October. So I sent him the one for my kid’s appendectomy. (Todd Long)

President Obama corrected Joe Biden’s statement Sunday that the U. S. would step aside if Israel attacks Iran. It’s getting nutty. Every morning the first item on President Obama’s threat assessment report is whatever Joe Biden said the day before. (Argus Hamilton)

The Internet is buzzing about a picture from the G8 summit that seems to show President Obama ogling a woman’s rear end. The White House insists he was just checking her greenhouse gas emissions. (Jake Novak)

Pres. Obama, in Russia for a diplomatic trip, jokingly thanked Pres. Medvedev for the “good deal” the Russians gave the US on Alaska in 1867. Then, they both turned to the east and waved to Sarah Palin. (Jerry Perisho)

THE ADMINISTRATION

With the Obama’s away in Russia and Europe visiting world leaders Vice President Joe Biden is getting a little squirrelly. Today he planted magic beans in the White House garden. (Frank King)

Pres. Obama named one of the pioneers in unraveling the genetic code as the head of the National Institutes of Health. So, he deciphered DNA, and now he’ll fix the NIH. The next mystery he’ll work on is the BCS. (Jerry Perisho)

THE ECONOMY

The Transportation Department said car driving fell off by four percent this year in the steepest decline in history. It’s the economy. Young people can’t take the family sedan out for a hot date beccause their parents are living in the car. (Argus Hamilton)

60% of the new GM is owned by the U.S. government, the UAW owns 17.5%, and anyone who buys a GM car now owns 100% of a piece of crap. (Jake Novak)

Home prices in April had an 18% drop from the year before. With unemployment and foreclosures still rising, another 82% drop in prices and the housing market may finally start to pick up again. (Jim Barach)

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices hit three dollars per gallon in California despite people driving less. Critics say drivers are being screwed by the oil companies. It’s no accident that the most frequently used actor’s name in porno movies is Derrick. (Argus Hamilton)

Bailed out AIG wants to pay its executives big bonuses again. But this time it has a good excuse: it turns out the company is making millions insuring the lives of overpaid AIG executives who keep getting death threats. (Jake Novak)

THE CONGRESS

House Democrats are proposing the new health legislation be paid for by a tax surcharge on people with an income of $200,000 plus. So it looks like my hip replacement is going to be paid for by Michelle Obama’s staff. (Bill Williams)

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch wants the Justice Department to investigate the BCS for antitrust law violations. Well, and why not? It’s not like Congress has anything more important to worry about. (Janice Hough)

Senator John Ensign’s family gave almost $100,000 to his former mistress and her family. I guess you could call this a stimulus package for stimulating his package. (Janice Hough)

House Democrats pushed a second giant stimulus spending package Tuesday which the White House encouraged. Once you get a taste of free stimulus money, it takes more and more free stimulus money to keep you high. Once all these congressmen quit drinking, drugging and cheating on their wives, the disease had to go somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)

Embattled and embarrassing Illinois Senator Roland Burris said he will not run again in 2010, but he will serve out his current term. This might be the only time in history that Democrats look wistfully at the actions of Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is opposing his fellow Democrats and their cap and trade energy bill. It turns out he’s against anything that helps power those darn horseless carriages. (Jake Novak)

THE STATES

Arizona has passed a law allowing people to bring guns into bars. In related news, Plaxico Burress immediately instructed his agent to start negotiating with the Cardinals. (Janice Hough)

July 1 was the effective date of the the South Carolina law that requires unwed fathers to register with the state to preserve parental rights. There are a few exceptions to that one, though. It doesn’t apply to new fathers who impregnate their daughters, mothers, grandmothers or first cousins. (Bob Mills)

A pro marijuana group has launched a TV ad campaign in California to legalize pot. Such a move could be an economic boon for the state. Sales of Doritos would go through the roof. (Alan Ray)

A Missouri state legislator is opposed to subsidizing school lunches for low income kids during the summer months because, “Hunger can be a positive motivator.” In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the Capital cafeteria immediately closed. (Jerry Perisho)

A new report shows many states are not using the stimulus money as intended. Ohio is using it to build useless government offices, Florida is using it to widen unused roads, and California is using it to keep LaToya Jackson away from all her brother’s memorial services. (Jake Novak)

LOCAL NEWS

Police say that more than a hundred bodies from an Illinois cemetery were dumped in mass graves so their plots could be resold. But luckily for those bodies this did happen in Illinois, so they are all still registered to vote. (Jake Novak)

In Illinois, four people have been arrested for digging up corpses in an historic cemetery and then selling the empty plots. According to the law, the only people who are allowed to make a profit from selling previously used plots are Hollywood producers. (Bill Mihalic)

78 turtles ended up causing delays earlier this week at JFK by crawling onto the runway. Fortunately, the turtles were not harmed and still made it off the runway faster than most JetBlue flights. (Janice Hough)

A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. There is no solid evidence of foul play, but police are holding Willie Wonka for questioning. (Jake Novak)

THE REPUBLICANS

Not to say the Republican party is in trouble, but the Washington Nationals baseball team is telling Republican jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

The FBI said Tuesday that mortgage fraud is rampant and growing across America today. It’s a major problem in Southern California. There are some beautiful homes in Los Angeles that are built on bluffs, because nobody ever asks to see a tax return. (Argus Hamilton)

Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he’s going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it’s Martha Stewart. (David Letterman)

A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can’t blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored. (Pedro Bartes)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Democrats to Republicans: You’re lying. Republicans to Democrats: Pelosi is lying. CIA to Democrats and Republicans: No. We’re lying to both parties and that’s the truth. In a related story. Congress plans on holding a series of hearings on what the appropriate name for the committee that handles security issues should be because Intelligence Committee is a misnomer. (Sara Joshel)

Here’s something wacky. Osama bin Laden’s first wife — and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives — well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It’s a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel. — But the book is going to be huge. It’s being published by Random Cave. (David Letterman)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

The city of Amsterdam is trying to figure out a way to provide banking services to the area’s many legal prostitutes. They should get along extremely well, because who knows more about screwing the public than the local banker? (Jerry Perisho)

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. (Pedro Bartes)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

Rioting between ethnic groups in China has prompted Communist leaders to flood the streets with police. And, you know what that means for the rest of the world, don’t you? A big shortage of cheap toys covered in lead-based paint. (Jerry Perisho)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

British scientists claim to have created human sperm from embryonic stem cells for the first time. thereby rendering the human male completely unnecessary, other than to carry in the trash cans once a week. (Jerry Perisho)

Writing in the journal “Stem Cells and Development,” scientists in Newcastle, England claim to have created viable male sperm in the laboratory. The artificial sperm looks and acts so real, lab technicians had to use a condom to keep it in the petri dish. (Bob Mills)

It’s been a few weeks now since the expanded recall of refrigerated Toll House cookie dough because of E. coli. As John Donne would say, “Nestle, ask not for whom the toll house cookie crumbles, it crumbles for thee.” (Rich Orwell)

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the last 50 years. (Pedro Bartes)

Dogs are being trained to sniff out medical problems, like diabetes and skin cancer. That’s odd, because the dogs I know seem to be trained to sniff out hemorrhoids. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wildlife experts report that a mysterious fungus has been killing insect-eating bats in such numbers, the epidemic could spread nationwide within two years — allowing insects now naturally controlled to thrive. Warned a zoologist from Boston University “If not contained, the fungus could be a greater threat to America’s wildlife than Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin combined.” (Bob Mills)

Astronomers say they have found the most distant supernova ever detected, and they estimate it was created about 11 billion years ago. On CNN last night, Larry King said, “I remember that; it was a Tuesday.” (Jerry Perisho)

The health industry on Tuesday promised to work with the Obama administration to cut medical costs. Their first order of business was to ask Americans to please limit themselves to one autopsy per customer. (Frank King)

Dogs are being trained to sniff out diabetes. Experts say dogs can be trained to sniff out other medical problems too. Soon — at the medical clinic – instead of saying “The doctor will see you now” — the receptionist will say — “Fido will sniff you now.” (Toms Lake Humor Company)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Obama vows U.S. will lead the way on climate change. Heck, the way we’re puffing carbon into the air, we can do it all by ourselves. (Joe Hickman)

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez was ejected in the fifth inning of his fourth game back from his female fertility drug suspension. The Dodgers outfielder apologized afterwards, but explained that it was “that time of month.” (Janice Hough)

Tennis great Roger Federer won the Wimbledon championship Sunday, setting a record with 15 major titles. The only other person who could nail 15 majors would be Madonna while on a USO tour. (Jerry Perisho)

Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority Leader John Boehner. Apparently the Republicans are trying to sway Woods over to their side. They first were attracted to him when they saw how many times his drives went far right. (Jim Barach)

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was reported Monday nearing a ruling on Michael Vick’s case. He’s good at this. Last year Roger Goodell arranged for the Cincinnati Bengals to wear striped uniforms, so when they go to prison they won’t have to change. (Argus Hamilton)

Thursday’s Padres-Astros game in San Diego was delayed for 52 minutes in the ninth inning while beekeepers removed a huge swarm that bivouacked in left field. Both teams, to a man, said the sight of bees is definitely more terrifying than Nats. (Dwight Perry)

After race officials DQ’d Italian swimmer Flavia Zoccari when the lower back of her skintight swimsuit burst open: “When Zoccari’s swimming career is over, she will make a great plumber.” (Cam Hutchinson)

How long did Sunday’s epic five set match last at Wimbledon between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick? By the time it was over, Brett Favre had un-retired and retired three times. (Janice Hough)

Former Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, the NCAA career leader in passing yards, was questioned by Honolulu police after he allegedly grabbed a woman’s camera and threw it onto a nearby rooftop to keep her from filming a brawl, the Honolulu Advertiser reported. Possible charges range from first-degree robbery to misdemeanor intentional grounding. (Dwight Perry)

After starter Johnny Cueto got rocked for 10 first-inning runs en route to a 22-1 pounding: “They told me he didn’t look good warming up. Sometimes, that doesn’t mean anything. Tonight, it meant something.” (Dusty Baker)

Tennis player Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery. It was to avoid injuries, apparently her boobs were causing tennis elbows to a lot of fans. (Pedro Bartes)

Colorado Avalanche star Joe Sakic announced his retirement after 20 years, saying, “every athlete has to decide when its time to move on…” And Brett Favre added “not exactly.” (Janice Hough)

A Russian woman has set a new record by lifting a 14 kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin confirmed the whole thing. She watched the competition from her front porch. (Jerry Perisho)

The Ricketts family of Chicago will buy the Cubs for a little less than $900 million. They’ll make front office changes once the team’s season is over. In other words, any day now. (Alan Ray)

ENTERTAINMENT

Just wondering, in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, are Tums considered a performance enhancing drug? (Janice Hough)

Simon Cowell is reportedly being offered $144 Million a year to stay on “American Idol”. Contestants are starting a collection to see if they can match it so he will leave. (Jim Barach)

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are expecting to open a show at The Staples Center a day after Michael Jackson’s memorial. If things work out for them, they might add a couple of clowns to the show, Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson. (Pedro Bartes)

CELEBRITIES

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the company that bears his name, died at the age of 95. He had attributed his long life to never eating any of his own products. (Janice Hough)

Now that the Michael Jackson funeral extravaganza is over, rumor has it Joey Chestnut also wants to rent the Staples Center, for a tribute to Oscar Mayer. (Janice Hough)

“American Idol” judge Kara Dioguardi got married, Saturday. It was nice, Paula Abdul gave a toast that was closed captioned for the slurring impaired. (Alex Kaseberg)

RELIGION

The economy has forced Vatican radio to air advertisements. The agency must be from AM radio because the ads are for tickets to see the pope say mass on “Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!” (Paul Seaburn)

HISTORY

Neil Armstrong will be celebrated next week on the fortieth anniversary of his becoming the first man in history to land on the moon. He is the most optimistic human being who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to the earth, and he had a choice. (Argus Hamilton)

British Museum archivists discovered an original copy of America’s Declaration of Independence in storage in London Thursday. It got a laugh. Parents always keep notes from their children, especially the ones that say they’re running away from home. (Argus Hamilton)

Lady Liberty’s crown was re-opened to tourists Saturday after being closed due to the World trade Center attacks. It was a no-win situation. The Statue of Liberty is obviously a tempting target, but with no people around, Canada geese were free to use the statue as a forward staging base from which to attack passenger planes. (Argus Hamilton)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Shady Lady Ranch, one of twenty-five legal Las Vagas houses of prostitution, has hit upon hard times during the current economic downturn and will hire male hookers in an attempt to improve their bottom line. Moreover, they plan to offer a special mix ‘n’ match “Madonna Wing” for those clients unable to decide on their preference immediately upon arrival. (Bob Mills)

The World Series of Poker began its fortieth year in Las Vegas Saturday at the Rio Hotel and Casino. No woman has ever placed higher than fifth. Women with top skills in lying and deception can do a lot better than the jackpot in some poker tournament. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Sears has introduced its new glass balcony on the 103rd floor of Chicago’s Sears Tower. Now, if Sears would only introduce a second cashier at lunch time. (Jerry Perisho)

General Motors was carved up by a judge Tuesday, giving taxpayers sixty percent ownership of the automaker. The government owns a car company. Now no one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation. (Argus Hamilton)

Auto parts supplier Lear has filed for bankruptcy protection. Lay off notices to employees are mean spirited. “In our new promotional event, everything must go. Shocks, mufflers, you” (Alan Ray)

Have you seen the Evian rollerblading babies commercial? It is so funny and cute it made Manny Rameriz’s water break. (Alex Kaseberg)

Aluminum giant Alcoa is betting on a big rebound for the company… mostly because soon the only way to make money in America will be getting the nickel for recycling soda cans. (Jake Novak)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we’re at 17. (Conan O’Brien)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

With my six pack abs threatening to break out any time now (definitely before we see another Communist Chief Minister for West Bengal), I am in imminent and eminent danger of getting kidnapped by some amorous babe.

Why do I think so, you ask, with an incredulous look crossing your pie-face?
Well, for one, Nature is telling me that. The street dogs that are chasing me these days are all female. I have ways to tell that, and I am not telling. Some incredibly attractive and slim chicks recently propositioned me on Southern Avenue during some of my evening walks, but I heard later that they were all shemale prostitutes. Sigh, what is this world coming to?
And this Italian gymnast: did I tell you about her?

This Italiano was all gaga over me, mamma mia, and even made a CD for me, professing her eternal love. Included were pictures of her in positions that can politely be referred to as contortionately promising (or compromisingly torsionate, whatever). I, to my internal regret, rejected this cd rom-antic proposition. If you looked at her postures you would think she would never break a bone because of a singular lack of visible osseous tissue, but this rejection surprisingly broke her heart.
This led me to mull over why women find certain men irresistible, and I have found some factors, based on several randomised double-blind* trials (and tribulations).
*both parties in love being blind.

1. Clean navel: I have a sinking feeling that this is a mandatory requirement in the days when women don’t think twice before drifting caudally in their own pleasure seeking trails. A tatooed belly button would take you to new depths of a relationship, surely.

Even collected lint looks distinctly better in the dark when offset in the backdrop of a splendid tatoo. Not to talk of the taste: not Lindt, at any rate!

2. Seat, not suit: You think the ladies feel a thrill learning how much you splurged on yourself for that striped suit that looks like the ones prisoners proudly wear to the marriage party when their jailor’s ugly and visibly pregnant daughter gets packed off to one of them (always keep your sentences short and clear, as well)? Women want to see you buy things for them, not for yourself. Also, they prefer to see some stuffing in the body part where men land when they have disputes in public beer bars. Such stuffing, apart from arousing some romantic notions of horse-borne knights, also reassure them that the prospective victim is of reasonable physical and financial well-being.

3. The Collar of Money: Wear a crisp shirt, but if your collar lacks the stiffness outstandingly evident in the Aussie upper lip post the non-racist diurnal attacks on Indian students, your appeal will not be sticking its neck out for attention. And if you think the ‘Collar of Money’ is green, you must be an Oriya.

4. Waist not, want not: It is a common sight to see a man with a bulging waist strung together by a strip of leather. Now, this will just not do, unless your woman is similarly predisposed, with the rewards of a thousand desserts tucked under the petticoat. Slim is in, in more ways than you can reckon.

5. Inwaist wisely: Now that the bulls are on the ramp-age, you have to know more about the correct inwaistment.
When I was more younger, I was taught that women like a bulge above the waist line. I spent the better part of my youth pursuing ways to buttress my aging middle. It was only much later that I realised that the required bulging had to be below the waist line. I tried carrying a lot of visiting cards in my wallet to create the effect before I actually understood the exact location of the prescribed prominence (I know, finally, why my hydrocele patients often sport nice looking wives).

Now, in my advisory capacity of Master of Love Affairs (MLA), I do better. After all, a Master better. Do better. You know what I mean.

6. Tie Tonic: If you want to attract a girl with a sense of humor, all you need to do is to wear your best ties

and look for the one sinking on the floor, hysterically pointing fingers at you and choking on her words. Trust me, this kind of girl (and you may find many) will talk to you when you approach her.
7. Pocket Appeal: Keep at least three pens in your shirt pocket.

At least one of them should have a torch or camera in it, and should stand out in prominence. This is primal body signal to available women that you have a large pen. You know, a large pen is always useful.
Though it may dig a hole in your pocket sometimes.

8. Check Mate: Wearing large multi-colored checks on your shirt is a clear signal that you are looking for a check-mate in life with your Queen. It is a different thing that the girl may be looking for a different kind of check from her mate, or she may actually be a different kind of Queen.

9. Sole-mate: If you can’t meet her expectations of being a check mate, at least wear large shoes. So that when you open them, she can see that they are very large.

Chances are she thinks other parts of you are comparably large. If she is bitterly disappointed later on, tell her to “lump it“, or “go sue, Sue!” If you are one of those awesome lispers, chances are you won’t be missunderstood.
10. You tell us: what thing in a man turns him into an Adonis in your eyes?

(pictures from Google Images. Credits missed this time, sorry.)

There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday. (Bill Maher)

We had another earthquake the other night. You know, California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Republicans will ask what Sonia Sotomayor wants done about Roe Versus Wade expecting her to say, “Any which way they can get across the border, row or wade? ” (Gil Stern)

Somehow Michael Phelps seems to have developed a pot belly. (Jeff Funnekotter)

Okay, which will close first –Guantanamo or GM? (Gil Stern)

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson. (Alex Kaseberg)

Good thing it wasn’t October, or A-Rod wouldn’t get to first base. (Cam Hutchinson)

This week, a woman in Texas admitted she cheated with a guy so soon after having sex with her husband that she had twins by two different fathers. And all I can say is, “Damn, that John Edwards is good!” (Bill Moher)

Helio Castroneves breezing to victory in Sunday’s Indy 500 was hardly even taxed. (Gary Loewen)

A report says that U.S. students are lagging in biosciences. That’s hard to believe when we have so many teachers who will go the extra distance to teach their students about biology first hand. (Jim Barach)

A teenager from Germany who auctioned her virginity on the internet for $14,000. was notified she must pay half in taxes. Apparently in Germany virginity goes for fifty cents on the dollar. (Bill Williams)

Cheney again spoke on TV. What is it about vice presidents that makes ’em talk too much? Don’t ask Joe Biden, he’ll tell us over and over again! (Gil Stern)

When Dick Cheney was vice president, he didn’t say two words, now he can’t shut up, he’s talking more after being vice president. Can you imagine if this happens to Joe Biden? We’d have to shoot him. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wayne Allwine, who was the voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977 has died at 62. Apparently the role will be taken over by Manny Ramirez, which explains all the female hormones he was caught taking. (Jim Barach)

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U. S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside. (Argus Hamilton)

SONIA SOTOMAYOR

President Obama has picked Federal judge Sonia Sotomayor as the Supreme Court nominee. So that means the Supreme Court will have seven men and two women. Like speed dating night at the Burbank Holiday Inn. (Jay Leno)

History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the U. S. Supreme court. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white. (Jimmy Fallon)

Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court. (Jay Leno)

Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court has diabetes type one. And today the GOP immediately sent a huge basket of candy and a membership in the donut of the month club. (Pedro Bartes)

Pres. Obama nominated the first Hispanic justice on the US Supreme Court. Later, during the celebration, they took turns hitting a big, overstuffed Rush Limbaugh piñata. (Jerry Perisho)

Judge Sonia Sotomayor is in hot water for once saying that a wise Latina woman could sometimes make a better decision than a white male. We all know how ridiculous that is. Rich white males always make the best decisions! You know like, “Let’s keep making big gas guzzlers and leave the small vehicle market to those little Asian carmakers.” (Frank King)

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the country’s first Hispanic judge. Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, “Oh, great, a Republican! ” (Jay Leno)

President Obama has chosen Judge Sonia Sotomayor as his choice for the Supreme Court. Sotomayor should help Obama win more support from women, Latinos, and people who want to see somebody slap Clarence Thomas. (Jake Novak)

Republicans are looking for anything to derail the Supreme Court nomination of Sonia Sotomayor, a Puerto Rican New Yorker — including her ruling in Sharks v. Jets. (Janice Hough)

On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a “reverse racist.” I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius. (Jimmy Fallon)

Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court. (Jay Leno)

The Republicans will attack Barack Obama’s pick of Sonia Sotomayor to theSupreme Court.they’ll say Barack is a womanizer and a Latin lover? (Gil Stern)

Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won’t sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails. (Jay Leno)

President Obama cited Judge Sotomayor for her role in the baseball strike. She saved free agency. If not for her ruling, Barack Obama would have to confiscate all that money from the owners instead of the players in order to pay for health care. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Barack Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare. (Jay Leno)

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons snubbed President Obama in Las Vegas Tuesday. It’s because he demonized businesses that held conventions in Las Vegas. Just because the president’s happily married doesn’t mean he has to deprive everyone else of a week off. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama reversed himself last night and now says it is a good idea for people to visit Las Vegas. In fact, that’s where he’s sending most of the Gitmo inmates. (Jake Novak)

President Obama was handed a defeat on the Guantanamo prison Wednesday when the Senate voted to keep it open indefinitely. No one will obey him. Nancy Pelosi won’t apologize to the CIA, Harry Reid won’t release money to close Guantanamo, and the only time his new dog Bo will sit quietly and listen is during the Rush Limbaugh Show. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

The U. S. Senate approved a credit card bill Tuesday which also allows loaded handguns to be brought inside U. S. national parks and wildlife refuges. The gun rights measure was slipped into the bill by Republicans. They believe as an article of faith that oil drillers have a constitutional right to defend themselves during exploration. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the C.I.A. misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress. (Jay Leno)

Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the C.I.A. lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided. (Jay Leno)

Congress voted Thursday not to pursue House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s charges the CIA lied to her on torture. She’s third in line for the presidency. Every Easter when the president is resurrected, she and Joe Biden are always a little disappointed. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

California, which – I have to tell you, everybody – is always a little ahead of the rest of America, will probably go bankrupt. It’s sad that we’ll be closing the schools, but you’ll want to keep the kids at home anyway, since we’re also closing the prisons and letting all the rapists out. (Bill Moher)

The big story here in California — the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn’t even know gay people had their own union. (Jay Leno)

Well, the big story here in California — California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That’s the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you’re a gay guy that doesn’t want to get married, you see. Now you can go, “Bob, the courts have spoken.”

The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, “Come on, dude, pass it. Come on. ” You could tell that the senators were determined that afternoon. They passed the same bill five times. They were just like: “Seriously, pass it again. That’s a pretty good bill.” (Jimmy Fallon)

In an effort to thwart identity theft, motorists in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia are being told to NOT smile when posing for their state drivers’ licenses. That’s no problem after four or five hours waiting in line at the D.M.V. (Ira Lawson)

A bill has cleared the Texas Senate which would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. The law would change life at a university. “Coach, I would like more playing time on Saturday.” (Alan Ray)

Michigan is complaining that it hasn’t received much of the stimulus money. I guess that $50 billion we just spent for a worthless auto company doesn’t count. (Jake Novak)

Porn-star Stormy Daniels is running for the Senate in Louisiana against David Vitter, the conservative family-values Republican who was caught up in the Washington escort service scandal — the so-called “D.C. Madam” — and then admitted to hanging out with Louisiana prostitutes…. who gave us the straight poop that he enjoyed wearing adult diapers during their trysts. Her campaign slogan? “Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly” (Paul Benoit

LOCAL NEWS

Honolulu just conducted the first-ever, all-digital elections. No voting booths. People cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone should congratulate Honolulu’s new mayor – a piano-playing cat. (Jimmy Fallon)

A New York man who purchased dentures for his business partner is accused of taking the false teeth back at gunpoint. To track him down, the partner with no teeth hired a gumshoe. (Paul Seaburn)

A small device exploded outside of a New York City Starbucks last weekend. One witness described the sound as a “Single shot, no foam, grande” explosion. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

O.J. Simpson appealed his Nevada conviction Tuesday saying he did not get a fair trial because his jury wasn’t diverse. It was just bad luck. You’d think if you had a jury of twelve people in Nevada you’d get at least two murderers and an armed robber. (Argus Hamilton)

The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against Alaska’s convicted former U. S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a legend in Washington D. C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in forty years that he’s banned in two religions. (Argus Hamilton)

John Hinckley asked a judge for a driver’s license that he can use during his hospital furloughs. He shot President Reagan and Press Secretary James Brady. If he’s caught driving without a license he could get locked up for life under the Three Strikes law. (Argus Hamilton)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

A right-wing radio host in Chicago named Erich ‘Mancow’ Muller lasted only 6 seconds being waterboarded and admitted that it felt like torture. To which Cheney said, yeah, but after the 180th time you start getting used to it. (Pedro Bartes)

The Pentagon says 14% of released Gitmo inmates have returned to terrorism. The other 86% got jobs at AIG. (Jake Novak)

Osama bin Laden’s former cook — I believe his name was Goatgang Puck if I’m not mistaken — is coming to New York to face charges. You know, we also got his driver. And here’s the good news. I understand we’re closing in on his pool boy and his aroma therapist. Yeah, we are closing the net. (Jay Leno)

NASA & SPACE

So the Hubble telescope has been repaired. Ya know what that means? The gals on Omicron 7 are gonna have to start drawing their shades again. (Marc Ragovin)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

The U. N. went into emergency session Monday to deal with North Korea’s nuclear blast. The North Koreans could wage a nuclear attack on South Korea or sell the nuclear bombs to Syria or Iran. After six hours of heated debate, the U. N. voted unanimously to censure Israel for digging a tomato garden in the backyard of a duplex. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Hugo Chávez has archived more than 6,000 hours of his speeches, which are being force-fed to TV and radio stations across Venezuela. Sounds like their version of “According to Jim.” (Ira Lawson)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

In Britain, the cuckoo songbird was added to the list of endangered species. Too bad, I really thought Amy Winehouse was feeling better. (Erik B.)

NORTH KOREA & THE FAR EAST

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she’ll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first. (Jimmy Fallon)

North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

South Korea and the U.S. have put their troops on the peninsula on high alert after North Korea renounced the truce that ended the Korean War. They’ve also asked Alan Alda to keep his calendar open for awhile. (Todd Long)

The North Koreans are furious at the U. S. because for twenty years they supported themselves by counterfeiting U. S. currency and now it’s worthless. Who knew that Barack Obama’s economic policy was a backdoor way to bring down North Korea? (Argus Hamilton)

Have you heard about North Korea? They’ve detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they’ll be ready if they’re ever attacked by gophers. (Jimmy Fallon)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists say now that they are very close to developing chocolate that won’t melt. It’s a chocolate you can eat in hot climates. Apparently we’re holding off on that cure for cancer. Let’s get this chocolate breakthrough first. (Jay Leno)

SPORTS

After LeBron James hit a 38-footer at the halftime buzzer: “Makes you wonder how good the kid could be if he used women’s fertility drugs. (Jim Armstrong)

Helio Castroneves, who won the fifth season of “Dancing With the Stars,” raced to victory in the Indianapolis 500. It was an emotional third Indy win for Castroneves. He was just cleared on tax evasion charges that could have landed him either in jail, or in the Obama administration. (Frank King)

Helio Castroneves credited his winning speed to imagining that the race cars directly behind him were being driven by government tax attorneys. (Greg Cote)

Alex Rodrequez and actress Kate hudson were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. The next day she tested positive for steroids. (Alex Kaseberg)

Looks like Alex Rodriguez just found another hot corner — at the mouth of the Hudson. (Dwight Perry)

New York Jet Mark Sanchez posed in a bathing suit layout for GQ magazine. He succeeded Matt Leinart at USC, who majored in ballroom dancing. USC never lets the quarterbacks lead the calisthenics because by the third minute the whole team is dancing the Charleston. (Argus Hamilton)

A plumber had to be called to Citi Field during a New York Mets game because a woman got her arm stuck in a toilet fishing after a dropped gold tooth. Which is odd because the Mets don’t usually go in the toilet until mid September. (Alex Kaseberg)

New York Mets officials called a plumber during a game at Citi Field last week after a woman got her hand stuck in a toilet trying to retrieve a lost gold tooth. It ended up being a win-win. The woman got her hand back and Citibank told the Treasury Department they want to take the stress test again now that they have gold reserves. (Argus Hamilton)

Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks allegedly driving with a woman sitting on his lap bumped a police officer with his pickup truck. Starks, no doubt, will claim it was because he was being held. (Dwight Perry)

Can you believe all the celebrities at the Los Angeles Lakers playoff games? It is a veritable who’s who of people who have slept with Paris Hilton and Madonna. (Alex Kaseberg)

Bud Selig blamed bad weather for Major League Baseball’s drop in attendance of four thousand customers per game this year. It’s a public relations nightmare. Half the fans have lost interest because the players were using steroids and half the fans have lost interest because the players have stopped using steroids. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick has been released from prison but the NFL is going to keep him on a leash! (Gil Stern)

Disgraced N.F.L. star Michael Vick left a Kansas prison to begin home confinement in Virginia, where he’ll be allowed to leave only to work at a $10-an-hour job. So it looks like the league is letting him back to quarterback the Lions. (Paul Seaburn)

Shaquille O’Neal is taking a crash course in broadcasting at Syracuse. After basketball he says, “I’d love to have my own radio show.” Heck, at 7-foot-1, he could be his own transmission tower. (Dan Daly)

The NBA draft is coming up. What’s the term for a player who gets his degree before seeking a job with a pro team? Usher. (Alan Ray)

John Daly returns to the PGA tour after a suspension. He’s already made an impact. After just eight holes of a practice round, the beer cart was completely empty. (Alan Ray)

ENTERTAINMENT

Jay Leno will welcome his replacement host Conan O’Brien as guest on his final Tonight Show Friday. It’s called continuity of political comedy. We’re one of the few countries in the world that can pull off a transition like this without bloodshed. (Argus Hamilton)

A Night at the Museum: the Battle at the Smithsonian is a box office smash. In it, wax dummies of historical figures come to life. Everyone loves the scene where capitalism gets up off the canvas and stops the president from seizing General Motors. (Argus Hamilton)

I would hate to actually spend a real night in a museum. All those ancient fossils and dusty old bones. if I wanted that I’d watch “60 Minutes.” (Craig Ferguson)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

What do you get when you cross OxyContin with Rush Limbaugh?
An OxyMoron (Jim S.)

In America, Rush Limbaugh is a free as the wind he breaks to speak for the Republican Party. (Lou Zar)

CELEBRITIES

Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen are expecting a baby. Upon hearing this, Angelina Jolie called them and said; “You do know you can buy them already fully assembled don’t you?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Bristol Palin graduated from high school with a GPA of 3.497, meaning she was just. 003 short of graduating with honors. Apparently, what ruined her chances of graduating with honors was the F she got in Sex Ed. (Pedro Bartes)

Leonardo DiCaprio is reportedly the favorite to play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. His preparation for the role is said to be going well, as he has already punched three photographers. (Jim Barach)

Elizabeth Taylor is home from the hospital and says if she feels better by this afternoon, she might just marry someone. (Pedro Bartes)

Arnold Schwarzenegger lost all his referendums last week trying to raise taxes in California. His movie career is over and his approval rating has tanked. If he was any less popular Mel Brooks’s next musical would be Springtime for Schwarzenegger. (Argus Hamilton)

EDUCATION

Thirteen-year old Kavya Shivashankar won the National Spelling Bee after correctly spelling “Laodicean.” She says once she mastered her own last name, the rest was a piece of cake. – (Ira Lawson)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A survey says that one in four people send text messages while driving. In fact, most of the people surveyed responded by text message from their cars. (Jim Barach)

Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they’re opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they’re in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings. (Jay Leno)

The National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober? (Jay Leno)

A cat from New York named Sockington has over 500,000 followers on Twitter. That’s only while she’s in heat. The rest of the time there are only 12. (Jerry Perisho)

The world’s oldest blogger has died at age 97. There will be short service held over on Twitter. With only 140 characters, it has to be short. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Automotive C.E.O. Obama says the fist vehicle to roll off the new Chrysler line will be the 2010 Barackuda. Gets 100 m.p.g. running on soy milk. (Michael Feldman)

The Post Office has cut 25,000 jobs this year. Of course, many employees have no idea they have been fired as the notices were sent by mail. (Jim Barach)

Jaguar got rave reviews from Car and Driver magazine with its new five-hundred-horsepower luxury car. The automaker was sold last year to a car company in India. There’s a big demand in India for cars that can outrun nuclear missiles from Pakistan. (Argus Hamilton)

A survey shows one-third of workers feel overburdened at their jobs. What do you say to a government employee who takes on too many responsibilities? “You must be new here!” (Alan Ray)

Carnival Cruise lines has announced a three day cruise with live performances from New Kids on the Block. The cruise will take place June 16th through June 19th in 1989. (Alex Kaseberg)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

A survey says the top five cities to relocate to are Raleigh, Austin, Charlotte, Phoenix and Dallas. The top to areas to migrate from are still Mexico and Michigan. (Jim Barach)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

Rush Limbaugh, as head of the Republican Party, is less qualified to be VP than Sara Palin. Rush can’t see Russia from his house. (GCH)

The exacta (the 1-2 finishers) in the Preakness were a filly and a gelding. Or as Hillary Clinton calls it “A dream team.” – Sort of ironic, the horse, Mine that Bird, who came the closest to chasing down the filly, Rachel Alexandra, wouldn’t know what to do if he caught her. (Janice Hough)

The U.S. government now borrows $1.00 for every $2.00 it spends. We’re almost as stupid as the people who lend us the money. (Frank King)

President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantánamo Bay. He’s going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership. (Jay Leno)

“Keep the prisoners shackled to the walls,” said Dick Chainey. (Rich Orwell)

Sarah Palin’s signing to write her memoirs with publisher HarperCollins turned out to be a mistake. They thought they were signing Tina Fey. (Doug Austen)

Why do they call it American Idol when it is taped in Los Angeles? Because the Lakers in games 1,4 and 6 against Houston basically copyrighted “Los Angeles Idle.” (Janice Hough)

A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement. (Pedro Bartes)

If a slugger using a female fertility drug makes you uncomfortable, just think of it as Manny giving himself an early Mother’s Day present. (Dwight Perry)

Manny Ramirez insulted the Jewish community when he said that he does dread lox. (Warren Alexander)

In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for the legalization of marijuana. He’s calling his program “Weed the People.” (Jay Leno)

In a move seen as equal parts symbolic and cost-cutting, the bankrupt Phoenix Coyotes will play all their home games on thin ice next season. (Dwight Perry)

Chrysler says it is going to shut down 800 dealerships, which will put thousands of car salesmen out of work. I really feel sorry for those guys—an entire closet full of plaid sports coats and nowhere to wear them. (Bill Mihalic)

The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn’t that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That’s government thinking, isn’t it? “Hey, nobody’s buying our product. Let’s raise the price.” (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more. (David Letterman)

A California man has been convicted in a scheme to buy and sell human body parts. The amount of money in the plot was never mentioned, but court records indicate the parts cost an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)

A survey claims 5% of men say they never masturbate. Come on, women, let’s give these guys a hand. (Alex Kaseberg)

On mangling a foul-ball call early in his Hall of Fame career: “I wanted to say, ‘Hot shot hit foul!’ It did not come out that way.” (Vin Skully)

Shirley Jones, the 75-year-old actress from the “Partridge Family,” may pose nude for Playboy. She said after 50 years in the business, she’s ready to let it all hang down. (Jimmy Fallon)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, gets to keep her crown. Not only that, she gets to keep her implants for another year. Donald Trump reviewed the racy photos and approved. I like that he calls himself “The Donald.” You can get away with that when your name is Donald. That doesn’t work when your name is Colin Powell. Or Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and Kris Allen each got millions more votes than any of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s California special election ballot measures. Guess the next time California elects an entertainer as governor, maybe we should make sure he can sing. (Janice Hough)

Los Angeles is going to begin water rationing next month. Kids will still be allowed to run through the sprinklers, just not with the water running. Dick Cheney has been told to switch to sand-boarding. (Tim Hunter)

DICK CHENEY & JOE BIDEN

Dick Cheney said there was “room” for moderates in the Republican party. Yes, but presumably that room is in Gitmo. His definition of a moderate? Someone like Newt Gingrich. (Janice Hough)

Joe Biden accidentally revealed Dick Cheney’s secret hiding place. See, there’s more proof you don’t need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks. (Jay Leno)

Vice President Joe Biden messed up at the Newspaper Association’s Gridiron Dinner a couple months back and revealed the whereabouts of Dick Cheney’s infamous undisclosed location. And we’re just finding out about this now? No wonder newspapers are going out of business! (Frank King)

Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse. He stopped after an hour when reminded of Obama’s stand against torture. (Pat Costa)

Vice President Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it “Operation Keep Biden Away From a Microphone.” (Jay Leno)

Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he was working on his memoirs: “How To Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.” (Baruch Obama)

Today, president Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney’s speech was more of a how-to discussion. (Jay Leno)

President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It’s kind of like “American Idol” except one of them got voted off months ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

A New York City auction house is having something unusual. It’s selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices; said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, “Now, that’s torture.” (Jay Leno)

President Obama went to Malia and Sasha’s soccer game. He rode to the game on Minivan One. (Jimmy Fallon)

There was a lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn’t had the best luck with ministers. (Jay Leno)

At the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama said the White House is a place where people should feel free to speak their mind, except, of course, Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t get the password for Dick Cheney’s camera phone. (Jimmy Fallon)

The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton’s to-do list, 500 people long. (Jimmy Fallon)

The White House announced future regulations for all U. S.-made cars Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone, texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him off. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

Get ready for boom times, boom being the abbreviation for boomerang! (Gil Stern)

The price of gas has gone up 25 cents per gallon in the past 3 weeks. Oil companies are trying to soften the blow to customers. At most stations, air and water will remain 50 cents. (Alan Ray)

Oh, a horrible day today. Man, stocks were falling like Miss California’s top. (Jay Leno)

The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are going back to school to train for a new career as a whore. (Argus Hamilton)

The economy is bad. It’s in bad shape. Oh, it’s bad. I saw Lou Dobbs picking up day laborers at Home Depot today. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad, Nancy Pelosi now saying she was misled by E.F. Hutton. (Jay Leno)

Medicare and Social Security are closer to default than previously thought. So we may have to postpone that whole getting-sicker-and-older thing. (Will Durst)

THE CONGRESS

Just days after switching to the Democratic Party, Arlen Specter said the Minnesota Supreme Court should award the disputed Senate seat to Republican Norm Coleman. Ah, that Specter. I always knew he was vice presidential material. (Marc Ragovin)

Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send more old cars to the junkyard—it’s called “potholes.” (Bill Mihalic)

Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the C.I.A. misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress. (Jay Leno)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience that torture doesn’t work. She’s had Botox shots right next to her eyes and she never gave up her real age. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California’s treasury Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won’t sell in this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it because it’s so hard to get them out. (Argus Hamilton)

California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you’re a Raider fan. You’re losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison. (Jay Leno)

Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. He says the taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California will raise some revenue and balance the budget or California still goes broke but everybody’s too stoned to care. So, you see, it’s a win-win, really. (Jay Leno)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly expressed support for amending a marijuana-legalization bill to include hallucinogenic Fruit Loops, now sold in Ziploc bags for $10 on the streets of San Francisco. (UGA Humor List)

Yesterday, the New York state Assembly overwhelmingly passed a bill approving same-sex marriage. And now the bill goes to the state Senate, where it will likely face a closer vote. In other words, the bill could go both ways. (Jimmy Fallon)

A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state’s economy. Isn’t that amazing? In fact, it’s been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain. (Jay Leno)

A bill has cleared the Texas Senate which would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. The law would change life at a university. “Coach, I would like more playing time on Saturday.” (Alan Ray)

LOCAL NEWS

Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now. (Jay Leno)

The mayor of a Salt Lake City suburb says he will shave his nearly foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. How about shaving it because it’s not 1895? (Doug Austen)

A guy in Massachusetts was arrested for trying to eat a bowl of cereal while driving. His excuse didn’t help; he claimed he was really hungry after all the pot he had smoked before getting in the car. (Pedro Bartes)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Drew Peterson pleaded not guilty to murdering his third wife. He then added, “We ARE talking about the third one, right?” (Todd Long)

A suspect at Guantanamo will face trial in New York and be held on Riker’s Island, or as the inmates like to call it, “The Gitmo of the Ghetto.” (Ira Lawson)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here’s a cheaper idea: Hire one guy who can say “No.” (Paul Seaburn)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Prince Harry will fly to New York for his first trip to America Friday. He’s got a busy schedule. He’s going to Harlem, he’s going to Ground Zero, he’s going to play polo, and he’s going to take a DNA test to prove John Edwards is not his father. (Argus Hamilton)

The Counties Crematorium in Milton Malsor, England, is under fire for replacing its longtime live funeral organist with a karaoke machine. Critics say the music sounds cheesy, and the speaker quality is tinny and dreadful. The worst is when the karaoke machine plays, “I Will Survive”. Don’t you hate it when a crematorium is under fire? (The Comedy Wire)

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

A study, in Spain, found the air in Madrid and Barcelona had trace amounts of cocaine, amphetamines, cannabinoids, opiates and lysergic acid. Well, doesn’t THAT explain Salvador Dalí? (Pat Costa)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant today. They’re already embroiled in a scandal. Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced. You can see her entire forehead. (Jay Leno)

Saudi Arabia’s first beauty pageant begins Saturday. One contestant has already caused quite a stir by saying that she believes a marriage should only be between a man and several women. (Tim Hunter)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The government has shut down a sex theme park being built in China. The idea was to teach Chinese people about sex. They would have run into problems with Disney anyway, especially with the names of some of the attractions: “Great moments with Mr. Lincoln,” “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” and the one nobody wants to go on, “It’s a small world after all.” (Tim Hunter)

AFRICA

The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and foolishly assumed it was there to free them. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

The Obama administration is set to announce tough standards for tailpipe emissions of carbon dioxide from new cars that will satisfy California, which has been fighting to set its own guidelines. Which means the rest of us won’t have to move to California to continue breathing. (Joe Hickman)

Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who lost their job. That’s not a bad idea, it will give the guys a place to hang their hat while standing in the unemployment line. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Food and Drug Administration issued orders Monday requiring labels on food to be more specific when stating fat content. This is long overdue. Food products will now be labeled no-fat, low-fat, reduced-fat and fat but with a great personality. (Argus Hamilton)

A Canadian study says that if a woman wears a D cup she has a greater chance of getting diabetes than if she wears an A cup. Apparently, it has to do with all the free diners and drinks D-cup women get from horny guys. (Pedro Bartes)

The National Institutes of Health is sponsoring a five-year study to see if prostitutes in China are drinking responsibly. Well, you’d hate to see these girls doing something irresponsible. (Todd Long)

The National Institute of Health is paying researchers $400,000 to cruise bars in Argentina to try and figure out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk. You know, I got a better idea. How about finding out why politicians like John Edwards engage in risky sexual behavior while sober? (Jay Leno)

A six-month-old puppy in England was hospitalized after eating thirty fridge-magnet letters. That poor thing is going to have a heck of a “vowel” movement. (Pedro Bartes)

After the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that health information on the box could cause Cheerios to be regulated as a drug, General Mills said it would soon offer a prescription-strength version of the oat-based breakfast favorite. (UGA Humor List)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

A moderate earthquake rattled Los Angeles Monday. They would have had a bigger quake, but the state can’t afford it. (Jake Novak)

Did you know we had another earthquake the other night? California is the only state where you don’t know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen eventually. California’s government has thrown so many tax dollars down a rat hole, it’s destabilized the crust of the earth. (Argus Hamilton)

Ladies and gentlemen, there’s good news for the environment. They’re cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots. (David Letterman)

SPORTS

Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont, Mine that Bird will need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown. Three riders in five weeks. They may have to change the horse’s name to Paris Hilton. (Janice Hough)

So Manny Ramirez has been banned 50 games for taking a female fertility drug. And now he’s blaming A-Rod’s gynecologist. (Marc Ragovin)

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women’s fertility drug. Some people call it suspension; he calls it maternity leave. (Pedro Bartes)

Manny Ramirez has tested positive for some sort of female hormone. The Dodgers are saying they became suspicious when Manny missed a game to go to a Lamaze class. (David Letterman)

It turns out he’s OK, but you know LA Dodger Manny Rameriz who is suspended for taking a female fertility drug? The earthquake LA had? It knocked Manny off the table during his sonogram. (Alex Kaseberg)

Roger Clemens didn’t say the brightest thing in his latest denial of steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity. (Argus Hamilton)

The Indy 500 is Sunday. What’s the most noticeable difference between these drivers and the average motorist speeding on the freeway? The racers aren’t texting. (Alan Ray)

The San Francisco Giants pitching staff may soon start referring to themselves as “Bra-less.” As in, no support. .At this point the Giants are scoring less than a Star Trek convention. (Janice Hough)

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website? The website regularly gets some hits. (Janice Hough)

I read that the new Yankee Stadium is the most expensive place where athletes play, and I’m wondering, more expensive than Madonna? (Steve Rosenbloom)

The media in Canada is pointing out that the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver resembles a hand-rolled marijuana joint. And today Michael Phelps announced he is taking curling lessons to try to make it into the US Olympic team. (Pedro Bartes)

I’m no chemist, so I don’t know exactly how HCG works, but I think it’s important that we keep Manny Ramirez away from OctoMom. (Scott Ostler)

On Rachel Alexandra becomong the first filly in 85 years to win the Preakness: Twelve desperate males chasing one favored female. Sounds about like any Saturday in any bar in America. (Greg Cote)

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O. J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC. If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.” (Janice Hough)

Two scenarios to see a Mariners-Yankees game in prime seats this season. Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks, cost for just the tickets, $5,000. Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double-occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800 Plus-frequent flyer miles.(Gary Cicio)

Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for dog fighting. He said he wants to keep a very low profile, so he is considering signing for the Detroit Lions. (Pedro Bartes)

All 20 competitors who had just weighed in for last weekend’s Belgian bodybuilding championships quickly scattered when three doping officials showed up unannounced to do some drug tests, causing the event to be canceled. (Dwight Perry)

Notre Dame’s football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee Stadium. So for that game will be team’s motto be “Win one for the Clipper?” (Janice Hough)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie Terminator Salvation opens today. This time Terminator comes back from the future to save California from going broke. (Pedro Bartes)

In “Celebrity Apprentice,” poker player Annie Duke got fired and Joan Rivers got hired. Joan Rivers looked shocked; of course, when doesn’t she look shocked? (Jerry Perisho)

Actor Keanu Reeves has been signed to star in a remake of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” To take advantage of Keanu’s acting range, the new version will be called “Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.” (Paul Seaburn)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Hugh Hefner is looking to sell Playboy enterprises for $300 million. But all the potential buyers are offering much less because they say they only want to buy it for the articles.(Jake Novak)

HBO says they won’t allow murder suspect Drew Peterson to appear on their show, “Cathouse,” the reality show set in a Nevada brothel. Finally, a TV show taking the moral high ground. (Tim Hunter)

Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean, will be a one-day guest host for Fox News Channel’s show Fox & Friends on May 27th. Don’t get too excited… that’s WITH her clothes on. (Tim Hunter)

CELEBRITIES

Woody Allen was awarded five million dollars in damages from American Apparel for using his image in an ad without permission. The company had said Allen’s image has no dollar value considering his world-famous scandals. That’s ridiculous, Calvin Klein built an entire brand identity based on sexualizing twelve-year-olds. (Argus Hamilton)

Miss California believes marriage should be between a semi-nude man and a semi-nude woman. (Michael Feldman)

Carrie Prejean, Miss California, claims those topless pics of her on the net are fake. So she’s right about a couple of things. (Alan Ray)

Shirley Jones, 75, is considering posing nude for Playboy. “Come on, get nauseous!” (Todd Long)

Kiefer Sutherland is charged with assault after allegedly head-butting a fashion designer. The incident took place between 1:30 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. (Todd Long)

U.S. Senator John McCain will host a war movie marathon for American Movie Classics to help commemorate Memorial Day. It won’t do very well in the ratings. Over on Turner Classic Movies, Sarah Palin is hosting a Beverly Hillbillies marathon. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

Boy George was released early from prison after serving only four months of his 15-month sentence. He plans to release a song about his work detail called Karma Custodian. (Paul Seaburn)

Wayne Allwine, the voice of Mickey Mouse for 30 years, died this week at the age of 62. You know, some people in Hollywood manage to achieve great fame and success, while others just squeak by. (Bill Mihalic)

EDUCATION

Only 27 percent of candidates who took the Massachusetts elementary teaching exam passed the math portion of the test. Said a spokesperson, “We are, of course, embarrassed that half of them failed.” (Todd Long)

A court in California ruled it’s okay for private schools to expel lesbians. Miss California said public schools should also be able to expel lesbians; it is not that difficult L.E.S.B.I.A.N.S… (Pedro Bartes)

HISTORY

This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called “living within their means” — a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life. (Jay Leno)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

According to a new survey one in four moms say they’re having less sex because of the economy. The other three, just the opposite, way more sex, because that’s the only way they can get some money to pay the bills. (Pedro Bartes)

Craigslist is going to drop it “Erotic Services” section. I’m OK with the decision, but I understand Barbara Bondage, Whippin’ Wanda and All-Leather Lucy are pretty upset. Not that I know them. (Tim Hunter)

A recent survey found out that more than one in ten teens have sent naked pictures of themselves to a complete stranger, the other nine to someone they knew. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

The price of mailing a letter goes up 2 cents today. The Postal Service has named the new postage after the wait in the teller line. It’s called a “Forever Stamp.” (Alan Ray)

Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd Long)

General Motors announced they’re closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming G.M.’s new C.E.O., some guy named Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)

Last week, the F.D.A. scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10 percent. Well, they’re not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record. (Jay Leno)

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered General Mills to stop making unauthorized claims about the heart benefits of Cheerios. But it can still say a plastic bag full of Cheerios is Prozac for toddlers. (Paul Seaburn)

Thanks to some structural changes, Home Depot’s first-quarter earnings jumped 44%. The hardware giant finally realized that you make more money when your customers can actually find the stuff they want to buy. (Jake Novak)

Chrysler proudly announced that succesful bankrupcy will now make them more competitive. Successful bankrupcy? That must be why they keep making quality rattletraps. (Tulla Brendingulo)

First Chrysler had a dreadful merger with Daimler-Benz. Now it is pinning its hopes on Fiat. Somebody remind them that the Axis lost WW II. (Marc Ragovin)

HOLIDAYS

You all have a happy Mother’s Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, “Of all the women I have children with, I’m going to spend today with you.” (Jay Leno)

AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

According to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America’s official language, 85 percent of the people said, “Si.” (Jay Leno)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and from the very best seats:
Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks at Yankee Stadium, cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles. (Phil Mushnick)

Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America didn’t really exist. We’re just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled the government. (Argus Hamilton)

It was a gloomy weekend for Republicans. In the Senate they faced the specter of Specter while Obama sought a suitor to replace Souter. (Pat Costa)

The Catholic Church is encouraging the use of Twitter to send prayers. This new technology is changing liturgy. “Our Father who art in heaven” is now replaced with “OMG.” (Alan Ray)

Drug manufacturers have dumped 271 million pounds of pharmaceuticals into waterways that serve as drinking water. Turns out Michael Phelps was getting higher swimming in the pool water than he was when he was using the bong. (Jerry Perisho)

The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that it took him 10 times longer to pick a dog? (Craig Ferguson)

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana. Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization. I guess they feel that it’s high time. (Janice Hough)

Just a day after saying he wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road. Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman. (Janice Hough)

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, he was striking out pretty often… in bed. (Pedro Bartes)

Russia insists it has no plans to step up its military presence in the Arctic. Sending troops up to the North Pole can only mean it could be the start of another Cold War. (Jim Barach)

Porsche has unveiled its first four door sedan. It’s for the man who is having his mid-life crisis but just can’t quite yet afford to abandon his wife and kids. (Jim Barach)

Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing teams to the pitch that was coming. He’s now had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron’s record but nobody ever thought he’d break Bill Clinton’s. (Argus Hamilton)

I hear that President Obama called the IRS to see which tax evader he could nominate for the U. S. Supreme Court. (Bob Holzer)

Fox is already cowering down to the President– In response to President Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air ” America ‘s Most Wanted” TWICE a week. (M. Hennigan)

SWINE FLU

The swine flu appears to be relatively mild, and it’s shutting down schools. The only way this could be any better in most kids’ minds is if were “broccoli flu.” (Janice Hough)

They say that swine flu is not as potent as they originally thought. You know, like the Yankee pitching staff. (David Letterman)

Meanwhile, CNN reported today that its reporting of the swine flu story could spread significantly in the days and weeks ahead and might continue throughout the all-important May sweeps rating period. (Andy Borowitz)

Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have been the order to drink plenty of water. (Argus Hamilton)

SWINE FLU VARIANTS – COURTESY OF JANICE HOUGH

Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May
Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around home plate
Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.
San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn’t really hit anyone yet
Mine the Bird flu – You’ve never heard of it before, but you can’t catch it.
Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain, started in Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it’s finally gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.
Alex Rodriguez flu – Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it tips you off when it’s coming
Joe Biden flu. Seems innocuous, but… it… never… ends.
John Edwards flu: Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging than we thought
Norm Coleman flu: You may think you have it beat, but it can hang around for months
(Janice Hough)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Today, President Barack Obama promised to “detect and pursue” American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders. (Jay Leno)

President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate — Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly… (Jay Leno)

President and Mrs. Obama had a “date night” Saturday. They took a walk, had dinner, but then had to run to the ATM when they found out the government credit card was over its limit. (Jake Novak)

President Obama will detail a new budget proposal today to save $17 billion next year, mostly by putting the guys who work at AIG on commission. (Jake Novak)

President Obama Monday went after companies which locate in the Cayman Islands where they pay no taxes. He can’t stop himself. He’s been very bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that has given him any thrill is killing pirates. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating Friday. It’s obvious why. President Obama had another date night with his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular when the president’s seeing another woman. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012. (Jay Leno)

Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It’s cut crime. New York transit police didn’t arrest anyone all day because even subway flashers were wearing surgical masks. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy. After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden’s mouth. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE ECONOMY

The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs. (Jay Leno)

Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That’s how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead. (Jay Leno)

The President plans to change tax policies. No longer will businesses and individuals be able to use tax havens such as the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas and the Obama administration. (Doug Austen)

The economy is improving. Here’s a sign of that: Earlier today the Yankees sold three tickets. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don’t understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four. (Argus Hamilton)

Congress is working on legislation that would provide an incentive for people to junk their old gas-guzzling cars and buy new, more efficient ones. Meanwhile, Michigan already has an effective program to send more old cars to the junkyard—it’s called “potholes.” (Bill Mihalic)

A Congressional House Panel is investigating the college football BCS system. Apparently they will get to the unemployment problem, bank insolvency and the housing crisis right after they take care of the important stuff. (Jim Barach)

THE COURTS

A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president. (Jay Leno)

President Obama announced the Supreme Court’s vacancy Friday. He made clear what he’s looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn. (Argus Hamilton)

The Republicans say that Obama’s pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is. (Bill Maher)

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire. Apparently since the Bush Administration shredded the Constitution, there just isn’t much for the Court to do these days. (Jim Barach)

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he will retire. Souter says it’s just not as much fun since Presidential elections have gone back to being decided by the voters. (Jim Barach)

The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday. They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he’s going to retire next month. Why’s he retiring? I mean, he’s a senior citizen. What’s he going to do? He’s going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job. (Jay Leno)

President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court nominee’s life experience as much as the nominee’s judicial experience. He won’t have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs. (Argus Hamilton)

Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter’s replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes. (David Letterman)

President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and experience as a judge. The question now is, how’s he going to get Paula Adbul through the U. S. Senate confirmation process? (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

The governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing same-sex marriages. You know what that means — gay lobsters. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Gay marriage is now legal in Maine. The new law will change the culture in the state dramatically. The conga line at wedding receptions will be something to see. (Alan Ray)

Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it’s time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he “wants some pot in every pot.” Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it’s already legal. (Jay Leno)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling for a new debate on legalizing pot. The battle will be intense from both camps. But the post campaign parties on the pro side will be a lot more fun. (Alan Ray)

The Connecticut State Senate has approved a measure that will ban children under 16 from handling or shooting machine guns. That should make residents feel safer knowing that automatic weapons are only permissible if the shooter is at least old enough to drive. (Jim Barach)

LOCAL NEWS

The crown of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4. New Yorkers are looking forward to climbing up to the top of the statue and resume spitting on New Jersey. (Jake Novak)

Country music mecca Branson, Missouri is getting its first airport. This is a significant development. Previously, the only people flying there were in Willie Nelson’s bus. (Alan Ray)

A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill. He has been disbarred for double billing. (Argus Hamilton)

JOHN EDWARDS

There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, “Huh? I’m sorry. Did you say something?” (Jay Leno)

John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny. (Jay Leno)

Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn’t spend it on — condoms! (Jay Leno)

A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action. (Jay Leno)

The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards’ mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen. (Jay Leno)

John Edward’s trying to get back into elected politics would be like, I don’t know, Newt Gingrich trying to get back into elected politics. (Frank King)

THE REPUBLICANS

George Bush and English didn’t mix,
But Cheney’s vocab was prolix,
He offered his betters
The choicest 4 letters,
With a “U” added in just for kicks.
(Larry Eisenberg)

President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal. (Jay Leno)

Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won’t be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family. (Argus Hamilton)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A California woman claims her father was the so-called “Zodiac killer” and that she accompanied him on some of his shootings when she was 7. But in her defense, it was “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.” (Todd Long)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here’s a cheaper idea, hire one guy who can say “No.” (Paul Seaburn)

NASA & SPACE

Scientists at NASA believe that “warp drive”, a term used only on “Star Trek”, is not impossible and may one day be used in space. The closest thing we have to that speed today is AIG going through federal bailout money. (Jerry Perisho)

NASA is sending up a mission on Monday to fix the aging Hubble telescope. How old is the Hubble? For the last few years the telescope has been orbiting the earth with its left blinker on. (Janice Hough)

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

Britain’s Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America. (Argus Hamilton)

WESTERN EUROPE

Angered over encounters with walkers wearing nothing but boots and socks, citizens in the tiny Swiss Alps canton of Appenzell Inner Rhodes have voted to ban nude hiking. Hey, it was either that or bust the budget on “Beware of Bares” signs. (Dwight Perry)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Saudi Arabia’s first beauty pageant begins Saturday. Some Saudis like it, but most think the contestants reveal way too much eye. (Jimmy Fallon)

An 8 year old Saudi girl is divorcing her 50 year old husband. Apparently he wanted children right away and she wanted to wait until puberty. (Jim Barach)

AFRICA

Women in Kenya have said they will abstain from sex until their government is in order. Is that a good idea? Look how well it worked out with Hillary Clinton. (Janice Hough)

Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya’s women to protest public policy. It certainly got the men’s attention. You’re allowed four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you’re in the same position as Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)

Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but they’re not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the pigs open and there were no coins inside. (Argus Hamilton)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

South Korean scientists have cloned a dog that glows in the dark. This begs the question: Does it shed light? (Doug Austen)

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation awarded $100,000 grants to each of 81 unusual projects, Monday. One of the researchers will see if he can give mosquitoes a head cold to keep them from sniffing out human blood. If it works on the mosquitoes, he’s then going to try it on a swarm of attorneys. (Jerry Perisho)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It’s hot! Fires are raging in California. Miss California immediately put out a statement saying she’s OK with flaming things as long as they don’t get married. (Craig Ferguson)

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez of the L.A. Dodgers tested positive for a steroid that’s sometimes used as a sexual enhancer. Apparently Manny couldn’t get to third base on his own. (Craig Ferguson)

Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug. An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of “Manny being Minnie”. (Bill Littlejohn)

As a result of Manny Ramirez’s suspension, the slugger will lose $8 million over the next 50 days… compared to GM, Ramirez is an amateur. (Jake Novak)

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He’s in a lot of trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on the report from the paleontologist. (Janice Hough)

The winner of the Kentucky Derby, a 50-1 long shot name Mine the Bird, was purchased for $9,500. That’s less than Aretha Franklin paid for her hat. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out. The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party. (Janice Hough)

LeBron James has won the NBA’s MVP title. He’s like Joe Biden’s mouth. When he’s open, he can’t be stopped. (Alan Ray)

The Dodgers’ Orlando Hudson, the Rangers’ Ian Kinsler and the Twins’ Jason Kubel each pulled off the same one-game rarity — a single, double, triple and home run — on April 13. Or as sabermetricians prefer to call the phenomenon, Hitting For The Tricycle. (Dwight Perry)

The Anaheim Mighty Ducks beat the Dallas Stars 4-3 in five overtimes, ending the fourth-longest game in NHL history. The three longest games are still being played. (Sports Pickle)

Three coaches have already been socked with $25,000 fines for criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. Commissioner David Stern scoffed at the notion of crooked officiating, denied the existence of Tim Donaghy, and said referees never favor superstars or miss traveling calls. (Matt Youmans)

Spotted doing some serious mixed martial-arts training at Gracie Gym in Orlando, Fla., Suns center, Shaquille O’Neal. Or as he now prefers to be known: Hackin’ Shaq. (Dwight Perry)

The Lakers lost a playoff game at home. I think the last time that happened, Jack Nicholson’s date hadn’t even been born yet. (Jay Leno)

Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap. (Argus Hamilton)

ENTERTAINMENT

NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is tanking in the ratings, what’s next: Monday Night Football on Wednesdays? (Pedro Bartes)

A new Star Trek movie opens soon. It takes place so far into the future the 2009 NBA playoffs are almost over. (Brad Dickson)

A new “Star Trek” film premieres Friday. This edition will feature some tense moments for hard core Trekkies. Like, when they have to go to the ticket window and talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)

A new show debuted earlier tonight. It’s about fashion designers who compete. Sounds exactly like “Project Runway.” I don’t have a problem with similarities between two shows. Look at “The View” and “When Animals Attack.” (Craig Ferguson)

The number two movie in the country is the romantic comedy, “The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past”, or as John Edwards calls it, “a horror film.” (Jay Leno)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager after an 0-16 season, as an expert football analyst. Isn’t hiring Matt Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach English. (Janice Hough)

The Onion says it will discontinue print editions in San Francisco and Los Angeles. For the first time, no Onions will bring tears to the eyes of readers. (Pat Costa)

The New York Times has reached a deal with the unions that will keep the Boston Globe alive. The unions have agreed to take pay cuts, and the Times has agreed to continue not publishing the truth about unions. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES

Paula Abdul ihad the courage to reveal that she’s been addicted to prescription painkillers for the past 12 years. And to Paula, I’d just like to say, “We knew.” (Jimmy Fallon)

It came out today that Paula Abdul only makes 5 percent of what Simon Cowell makes on “American Idol.” To be fair, she’s only awake 5 percent of the time. (Jimmy Fallon)

Nevada’s Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he’d supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics. (Argus Hamilton)

In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as “queers” and said he doesn’t want his children around them. Well, I guess he’s not sending the kids to Catholic school. (Janice Hough)

Ex-slugger Darryl Strawberry claims he has slept with 1,000 women. If my math is correct, Wilt Chamberlain surpassed that total his rookie season. (Greg Cote)

Porn star Stormy Daniels is thinking of running for a Senate position in Louisiana. She says that’s the only position she hasn’t tried. (Jerry Perisho)

This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

Jackie Chan has announced he will be in his 100th movie. The action star is getting a little older. The only martial arts scene in this one will be his daily Tai Chi work out in the park with his senior group. (Jim Barach)

Paris Hilton was at the Kentucky Derby. It got awkward, Paris insisted on betting $100 on Chlamydia to show. Paris got the tip from her gynecologist. (Alex Kaseberg)

Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the “perfect” choice” to talk about teen abstinence. I assume she also thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the “Defense of Marriage Act? (Janice Hough)

Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are planning a sequel to the movie “Wall Street”. It’s a continuation of the greed and corruption that drives the nation’s financial industry. In other words, they are making a documentary. (Jim Barach)

Kelly McGillis — Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in “Top Gun” — has announced that SHE is now gay. She also admitted having a crush on Sarah Palin and asked her to “Take me to bed or lose me forever” because she’s such a Maverick. (Pedro Bartes)

Having Bristol Palin preach abstinence is like naming Keifer Sutherland the national spokesman for anger management. (Jerry Perisho)

Bernie Madoff’s longtime secretary says he was a flirtatious boss who made sexually suggestive remarks to her and liked to go to massage parlors. If this Ponzi scheme hadn’t collapsed, he may have been headed for Governor. (Jerry Perisho)

EDUCATION

Here’s good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost as well as Chinese children. (Jimmy Fallon)

The University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center. (Jay Leno)

RELIGION

The Vatican is issuing no ban on the upcoming release of “Da Vinci Code” sequeal “Angels and Demons.” The Church believes people going to see the movie will be punished enough. (Jake Novak)

BUSINESS & LABOR

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really crappy app. (Pedro Bartes)

Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Twitter for $700,000,000. The holdup seems to be that Twitter will only accept $140 at a time. (Todd Long)

Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition, because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus raising the price of the ammo. Then shouldn’t Obama spread the rumors he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars? (Pedro Bartes)

President Obama is giving Chrysler $8 Billion to file bankruptcy. How bad has it gotten when a company needs $8 Billion to say they are broke? Apparently the money will go for bonuses to executives for doing such a great job. (Jim Barach)

In addition to buying Chrysler, Fiat is also thinking about buying Opel, the European branch of G. M. If all of the deals are completed, Fiat will have cornered the world market on rust. (Paul Seaburn)

The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn’t agree to the president’s deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How scary. This Passover if you didn’t have lamb’s blood on your door, the Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt. (Argus Hamilton)

General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus. (David Letterman)

A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney’s garage sale. (Pedro Bartes)

Our friends at AIG are back in the news. In March, the CEO told Congress that AIG paid $9 million in bonuses in 2008. Now, they say that number was a little off; it’s was really $454 million. The numbers keep multiplying; who is their accountant, Octomom? (Jerry Perisho)

HOLIDAYS

President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it’s the White House itself that makes people dumb. (Jimmy Kimmel)

May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup. (Argus Hamilton)

Sunday is Mother’s Day, and there’s speculation that sales of flowers will be down. One enterprising delivery service is doing something about it: “Teleflora introduces the Imaginary Bouquet. Tell mom it’s all you can afford.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

Compiled by Stan Kegel

Not so very long ago we were all told that a black man would be President when pigs fly. On the 100 day of Barack Obama’s Presidency… swine flu! (Author Unknown)

Remember the good ol’ days when we thought the only bad pork was in the federal budget? (Jay Leno)

They’re saying that the swine flu comes from Mexico. Thank God we have an airtight border with Mexico. (David Letterman)

Americans are becoming more optimistic about the nation’s economy, a new survey showed Wednesday. This explains why Fox News didn’t carry the Obama news conference. No need to alarm Republicans. (Joe Hickman)

I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City. (Jay Leno)

With the new tax, cigarettes now cost $10 a pack in New York. Cigarettes are so expensive, second-hand smoke has been renamed “pre-owned” smoke. (Bill Williams)

No matter how bad your job is, remember: You are not the Mexican Minister of Tourism. (Will Durst)

I had a rough day yesterday with this swine flu business. I walked into my bank wearing a mask — it was all downhill from there. (Jeff Showell)

Hollywood is working on a new movie about Chrysler: “Chitty Chitty Bankrupt.” (Jake Novak)

Hey, have you all started making your summer vacation plans? I’m not sure what to do this year. I’m stuck between a Somali pirate cruise or a trip to a Mexican pig farm. (Jay Leno)

A Chicago cemetery unveiling a Wrigley-themed mausoleum. Can you imagine, if the Cubs ever break their current one-century slump, everybody rolling over at once? Best guess is it would spark the mother of all urned runs. (Steve Schrader)

The home runs are flying out of the new Yankee Stadium, to give you an idea, ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer could score there without hiring a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)

Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got a gay judge who only looked at her shoes. (Argus Hamilton)

THE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS

Obama’s approaching his first 100 days in office. He’s had to deal with a financial crisis; pirates; swine flu; all that plus he’s got a live-in mother-in-law. Meanwhile, John McCain was putting his Glenn Miller records in storage. (David Letterman)

Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. Meanwhile, John McCain was waxing his Pontiac. (David Letterman)

President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner. (David Letterman)

Obama was celebrating his first 100 days in office. George Bush was president for eight years and never spent close to 100 days in office. (Jay Leno)

Today marks Obama’s first 100 days in office. It’s a big deal, because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We can’t return him now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE SWINE FLU

To help avoid the spread of swine flu, the U. S. government is asking Mexicans not to come to the United States. Isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past 40 years? (Jimmy Kimmel)

It’s swine flu now. It’s so big, it’s knocked the torture stuff right off the front page. It’s obvious who’s spreading the swine flu, Dick Cheney. (Jay Leno)

They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives. (Jay Leno)

Swine flu anyone? I’m terrified. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has asked the government for federal aid to fight the swine flu. Isn’t this the guy who just last week was threatening to secede from the United States? (Craig Ferguson)

The World Health Organization insisted yesterday that the swine flu virus doesn’t spread with the contact with pigs, and Bill Clinton immediately sighed with relief. (Pedro Bartes)

To give you an idea how bad this swine flu is, today the U. S. government took down the border wall and replaced it with a giant sneeze guard. (Jay Leno)

Doctors say that the swine flu can be treated with Tamiflu and Relenza. Awesome! Now, I have to find a way to cross to Mexico and buy them cheaper there. (Pedro Bartes)

World health officials are worried the swine flu may turn into a pandemic. A pandemic is a worldwide epidemic. The last time we had one of those we got the lambada. (Bill Williams)

It was cold today in New York City. So cold, I was wearing two swine flu masks. (David Letterman)

Biden did it again. Joe Biden was on the “Today” show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don’t ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don’t think Joe Biden’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease. (Jay Leno)

New Yorkers are being very careful about that swine flu. The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel. Here’s an example of nonessential air travel: flying Air Force One really low over New York City. (David Letterman)

He warned us about the flu pandemic during the conference. Has a president ever called a press conference to remind us to wash our hands? (Jimmy Kimmel)

Well, they say this outbreak of swine flu got its start in Mexico and then came up here. You know what Wal-Mart calls something that got its start in Mexico and came up here? Employees. (Jay Leno)

During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks. (Jay Leno)

New York City is taking every possible precaution to avoid swine flu. For example, I was over at St. Patrick’s Cathedral earlier today, lighting a candle, and I happened to notice that they have replaced the holy water with Purell. (David Letterman)

The swine flu outbreak is hurting the already strapped U.S. travel industry. Most U.S. airlines are now charging travellers a special $25 surcharge if they don’t want to be seated next to a Mexican. (Jake Novak)

Sports fans are being asked to stay home in Mexico because the flu spreads in large crowds. In New York, they’re trying a similar thing at Yankee Stadium by making sure the prices for tickets are so high that no one can afford them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

SENATOR ARLEN SPECTER

In a move that has stunned Washington, D.C., longtime Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig, I guess. (Jay Leno)

Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There’s talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party. (Jay Leno)

This really is big, because Specter’s move puts the Democrats within a hair’s breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate’s balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. (Jon Stewart)

Republican Senator Arlen Specter has contracted donkey flu. We should have seen this coming, folks. Specter was exhibiting the classic symptoms of donkey flu: mild fever, and being 21 points behind in Republican primary polls. (Stephen Colbert)

Arlen Specter has switched sides — he left the Republican Party and went over to the Democrats. Who’s he think he is, Lindsay Lohan? (Craig Ferguson)

Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don’t you think? I mean, for years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you’ve got to start lying out the left side of your mouth. (Jay Leno)

He announced that he’s now a Democrat. Republicans were like, “Right — you’ve been a Democrat for 15 years.” (Craig Ferguson)

Sen. Arlen Specter has a new reality show: “I’m a Republican — Get Me Outta here!” (Jay Leno)

The 79-year-old senator is leaving the Republican Party. Which is a big loss for Republicans — they really could use that young blood. (Jay Leno)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

The president held a press conference last night. I especially liked it when he said, “Sometimes stuff was like other stuff.” Fox didn’t air his press conference. I get it — Fox doesn’t like the president. But why not cover the conference. He might get tripped up from reporters asking tough questions like, “Is the dog house-trained yet?” (Craig Ferguson)

The president held a press conference last night. All the major networks carried it except Fox. They ran the show “Lie to Me.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

President Obama met with representatives of the credit card industry. Apparently the stimulus package has already resulted in the White House maxing out both its Visa and Master Card. (Jim Barach)

This is all over the news: Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE ADMINISTRATION

THE ECONOMY

The economy is rough, to save money, today five Republicans switched to democrat and then switched to Geico to save money on their car insurance. (Alex Kaseberg)

Wall Street surged by 168 points on Wednesday. Mostly on the news that swine flu only kills poor people. (Frank King)

This economy is rough, Lindsay Lohan dumped her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and switched back to dating guys just to save money on batteries. (Alex Kaseberg)

A new survey shows that rich people feel guilty when they buy luxury items like jewelry in a bad economy, but not as bad as taxpayers when we buy stupid things like Chrysler, Citigroup and AIG in a bad economy. (Jake Novak)

A poll says that 59% of Americans feel the bank bailout is a bad idea. The other 41% are Wall Street Executives. (Jim Barach)

Wall Street reacted predictably to the swine flu scare Tuesday. Airline stocks fell but pharmaceuticals rebounded. They had been very depressed on reports that President Obama was going to heal the sick, but when he didn’t the drug stocks rallied. (Argus Hamilton)

THE CONGRESS

Congress is back at work amid a national scare over swine flu. It took awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the Budget Committee until health officials explained to the lawmakers that they cannot catch it from pork (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama’s budget was passed by the Democrats in Congress Wednesday. It puts the country four trillion dollars in debt. It’s hard to believe Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House twenty-five years ago just for borrowing dresses. (Argus Hamilton)

THE COURTS

Justice David Souter is retiring from the Supreme Court. After more than 18 years on the nation’s highest court, Souter finally feels like it’s time to talk to a woman. (Jake Novak)

The FDA obeyed a court order Wednesday to let seventeen-year-old girls get the morning-after birth control pill. The label’s specific. The pill can only be taken by women because, generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found on the morning after. (Argus Hamilton)

The U. S. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday a lawsuit by five former terror suspects of the CIA can go forward. They say they were kidnapped, beaten, cut with scalpels and shocked. The Thanksgiving table at the Cheney house is not for the faint of heart. (Argus Hamilton)

The Supreme Court debated overturning part of the Voting Rights Act Tuesday. Opponents warn that just because a black man is president doesn’t mean America is any less racist. They showed photos of a dog barking ferociously at a black man, and it was Bo. (Argus Hamilton)

THE STATES

Iowa’s historic same-sex marriage law went into effect on Monday. No one should be surprised that Iowa has gay people. It was only a matter of time after the Music Man came to River City before choreography took its inevitable toll on the farm population. (Argus Hamilton)

Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events Tuesday to slow swine flu. That’s a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

With the new cigarette tax, a pack of smokes in New York costs $10; it is so expensive to smoke in New York now, in Times Square, the hookers are offering a $50 special that includes blowing smoke. (Alex Kaseberg)

A deputy sheriff in Florida who has served 21 years with the office has resigned after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joy ride. If there is a mother-in-law involved can it technically be called a joy ride? (Doug Austen)

A fifth-grader in Indiana was arrested for selling marijuana at his school. His teacher knew something was up when she asked what three plus two is and he answered, “Five ounces.” (Jimmy Fallon)

THE DEMOCRATS

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before cameras Thursday and denied ever being briefed in secret about CIA torture methods six years ago. It looks like we’ll never know. Thanks to Botox you can’t tell if she’s lying, laughing or just lost a relative. (Argus Hamilton)

THE REPUBLICANS

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he wants CIA files declassified for his memoirs. Apparently he can’t use his old method of having Scooter Libby leak them to the press. (Jim Barach)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. The attack made no sense. You would think that people who want to destroy America would spare Hollywood out of professional courtesy. (Argus Hamilton)

A plane flew into restricted airspace on Friday. As a precaution, Obama was taken to a secure location, a place no one knew existed — Joe Biden’s office. (Jay Leno)

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. They continued to waterboard him because they didn’t think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

Some government idiot thought it would be a great idea to buzz New York in a 747 to get pictures for a brochure showing Air Force One. But they didn’t tell anyone. A lot of people were
panicked and evacuated. What’s the government’s next big idea? Send some guy in a pirate costume to Capt. Richard Phillips’ house? (Jay Leno)

The White House was locked down Friday after a Cessna flew into restricted air space. The pilot faces serious fines. As soon as the Democrats took office they restricted the air space over Washington to protect the birds from being struck by planes. (Argus Hamilton)

IMMIGRATION

CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

It’s happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State. (Jay Leno)

THE MILITARY

NASA & SPACE

NASA is scrapping its long-time plans to build a base on the moon. The space agency just doesn’t have a credit raring high enough to get a mortgage. (Jake Novak)

THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

Over 100 countries agreed on a U. N. declaration to combat intolerance worldwide — unless it’s aimed at Miss California. (Todd Long)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico City’s soccer stadium was empty by national order during Sunday’s match due to swine flu. It’s all the news. There were two thousand cases in Mexico and seventy cases in California, which means that the border fence is working pretty good. (Argus Hamilton)

Everyone in Mexico right now looks like Michael Jackson with those face masks they’re wearing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

CANADA

ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

French first lady Carla Bruni’s former lover’s apartment was hit Tuesday by thieves who stole old sexually intimate videos of her. She should have known she couldn’t keep those videos private forever. Under socialism you must share everything. (Argus Hamilton)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim. (Argus Hamilton)

IRAQ & IRAN

In a new interview, Iranian President Ahmadinejad complained Obama’s not returning his messages. Hello — maybe he’s just not that into you. (Craig Ferguson)

ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

Despite the fact that there is no evidence any human has contacted swine flu from contact with a pig, the Egyptian government has announced the it will slaughter 300,000 pigs. When questioned about this, an Egyptian official said, “Well, it will just be much cheaper than the one million straight-jackets we had to make for the mad cows.” (Dora Glasberg)

CHINA & THE FAR EAST

The economy is bad. It’s so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs. (Jay Leno)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

The Taliban advanced in Pakistan Tuesday as the U. S. and Britain weighed military options. It’s a zero-sum game. If we win, they’ll have to let women commit adultery on television shows, and if they win, they’ll only be allowed to commit it under blankets. (Argus Hamilton)

AFRICA

Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation’s leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton. (Jay Leno)

AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person’s memory. Nature always has a way to balance itself, because you lose memory when you smoke pot but you regain it with the munchies. (Pedro Bartes)

Scientists have cloned dogs, dogs that glow in the dark. Why? They’ve made it easier for Michael Vick to find them now. (Craig Ferguson)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Al Gore testified before Congress on Earth Day Wednesday about the need to save the planet from global warming. Democrats don’t have a monopoly on love for the planet. Every Earth Day the Republicans used recycled water on the terror suspects at Guantanamo. (Argus Hamilton)

SPORTS

Michael Phelps will unveil his new freestyle stroke May 14. I predict he’ll come out smoking. (Scott Ostler)

Lost: one celebrated bra among the legal briefs. The black sports model that Brandi Chastain so famously flashed at the 1999 World Cup was seized when the Sports Museum of America in New York declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Adding further insult, Chastain said she was told she’d have to pay $250 plus shipping to get her donated exhibit out of mothballs. She replied, “Thank goodness I have another one.” (The Wall Street Journal)

A 9-year-old girl playing sandlot baseball in Portland was miraculously rescued by her playmates after she plunged about 20 feet when an old septic system gave way while she was running to first base. Or to put it in baseball terms, she went deep in the hole. (Dwight Perry)

Rachel Pitt and Garry Keates got married in London on Sunday — but not until they ran the first 24 miles of the London Marathon and took a detour into St. Bride’s Church.Upon taking their vows, they completed the final 2.2 miles running hand-in-hand. Pitt, a first-time marathoner, told said “There were moments when I just wanted to go home and wondered why we’d put ourselves through this. It’s been the best day of my life, but I’ll never do it again.” (London Daily Mail)

The makers of M&M’s announced that the popular candy is now available in the colors of all 30 NBA teams. Enhancing the authenticity, the Clippers M&M’s even melt in your hands. (Dwight Perry)

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia’s Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight million dollar deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will still be a Detroit six years from now. (Argus Hamilton)

On the very campus where they filmed the 1978 classic, life imitated art this week when the University of Oregon’s third-ranked Ultimate Frisbee club team — already on double-secret probation — had the plug pulled on its season for playing rival Oregon State in the nude, the Eugene Register-Guard reported. The team was already in trouble for getting four speeding tickets on its way to a competition at Stanford and for serving alcohol to underage students. A five-student board upheld the ban despite team co-captain Dusty Becker’s assertion that “speeding, drinking, nudity — they’re not bad things. They’re things a big portion of the community doesn’t think are wrong.” Added Steve Kenton, the other co-captain: “I came to the UO to play Frisbee. That may sound silly, but a lot of people do.” On the bright side, at least Dean Wormer didn’t threaten to call their draft boards first thing Monday morning. (Dwight Perry)

The New York Yankees slashed the price of their twenty-five hundred dollar box seats. Nobody wanted to be seen sitting in such splendor. The only faster way to be dragged in front of Barney Frank is to be named People magazine’s Sexist Man Alive. (Argus Hamilton)

The New York Yankees cut in half the price of those twenty-five hundred dollar seats Tuesday. Nobody sat in them during the first homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly the seats are only worth twenty-five hundred dollars if they face the other way. (Argus Hamilton)

Yankee Stadium’s premium priced seats that sell between $500-2,600 have been going mostly empty this season. Mostly because the only people who make enough money to afford them are the Yankees. (Jim Barach)

The trainer of a soccer team in Bolivia says he prescribed Viagra to at least nine players in order to help them play better in high altitudes. I don’t know if they are going to be able to score during the game, but after the game… no doubt! (Pedro Bartes)

Tennis star, Andy Roddick married swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker. They met through their agent. But it’s more romantic. He dated her on Facebook where he upgraded her to a relationship, he tweeted that he loved her on Twitter, but he proposed the old fashioned way: E-mail. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by Dubai’s Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She’s well-trained. The jockey is under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in public with a stallion that’s not a family member. (Argus Hamilton)

Michael Vick was offered a contract by the Arena Football League next month when he leaves prison. He won’t need the job. Michael Vick could become a national hero by arranging swine fights until the pig population’s no longer a threat to public health. (Argus Hamilton)

The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday. The owner of the winning thoroughbred gets a 7-figure purse. The winning thoroughbred gets some hay. (Alan Ray)

During the first round of the NBA playoffs Monday, the Denver Nuggets defeated the New Orleans Hornets 121-63; a 58 point win. In the middle of the fourth quarter, the New Orleans Arena was so empty and quiet you could hear the Hornets players asking when football season starts. (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie “Knowing” won the weekend box office with $24.8 million. Or as it’s called at AIG, a junior executive bonus. (Jimmy Fallon)

“Wolverine” is out in theaters this weekend. The guy with the extremely powerful claws suffers a near fatal injury. He gets a case of poison ivy. (Alan Ray)

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, the big blockbuster movie about a mutant superhero, didn’t open in Mexico Monday because of the swine flu. Wolverine had the sniffles and the theater had that new “Sneeze-o-Vision” technology, where an on-screen sneeze actually sprays the audience. Wow, bad timing. (Jerry Perisho)

“Battle for Terra” is out in theaters this weekend. A peaceful planet of aliens is threatened with annihilation by humans from earth. They attempt to build a chain of fast food restaurants. (Alan Ray)

Variety reported Saturday that the William Morris Agency of Beverly Hills will merge with Endeavor and combine their roster of entertainment clients. Business is booming at the agencies. They get ten percent of all their clients’ unemployment checks. (Argus Hamilton)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Sean Hannity told Charles Grodin during his show that he would get waterboarded for charity. Rupert Murdock is concerned; he’s afraid Hannity might end up confessing that Fox news is not that Fair and Balance. (Pedro Bartes)

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. If the money goes to the troops, we all have to be sure Hannity stays at least 30 minutes under water. (Pedro Bartes)

Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their sex. Unfortunately for Simon, the couple was Ryan Seacrest and Klay Aken. (Pedro Bartes)

Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me.” Apparently “Lie to Me” is exactly what the Fox audience wants. (Pedro Bartes)

The New York Times and Detroit Free Press won Pulitzer Prizes for their coverage of political sex scandals. Thank goodness there is still enough real news to take our minds off the bad economy and two wars we are still fighting. (Jim Barach)

CELEBRITIES

Jay Leno is still a little steamed at the doctor. When Leno checked into the emergency room, the attending doctor asked; “So why the long face? ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Madonna was voted the Hardest Working Mother in show business. I don’t think Madonna should trust this poll because Britney finished second and Octomom third. She can’t wait to share the award with her kids next month from 7PM to 7:10 PM when she gets to see them (Pedro Bartes)

There’s talk circulating that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Apparently, some people noticed she was wearing underwear, which is a sign that she’s afraid the kid would pop up unexpectedly. (Pedro Bartes)

Paula Abdul says that she has “never been drunk”. Apparently her behavior on “American Idol” can be attributed to pain pills, cough syrup and airplane model glue. (Jim Barach)

Actress Mia Farrow has announced she’s going on a hunger strike to show solidarity with the people of Darfur. Why is it always skinny people who go on hunger strikes? Why can’t we get Michael Moore to go on a hunger strike? (Jay Leno)

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has come out against gay marriage. Apparently he feels that gays should be limited to planning marriages, not taking part in them. (Jim Barach)

Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today. That’s his first birthday in prison — 149 to go. All the guys got together and tapped “Happy Birthday” on the pipes. (David Letterman)

Happy birthday Bernie Madoff. Of course, he can’t watch the show. He’s in jail. What do you get the guy who stole everything? (Craig Ferguson)

A federal judge has refused to give former Gov. Rod Blagojevich permission to travel to Costa Rica to appear in a reality show. He pretty much told him, “You’re Not a Celebrity and You’re Not Getting Out of Here.” (Doug Austen)

Elizabeth Edwards’s book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed her husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned. The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives. (Argus Hamilton)

The London Times revealed Friday that Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Elton John lost twenty percent of their net worth last year. They didn’t make one cent in endorsement fees. Wilfred Brimley beat them out for every commercial they read for. (Argus Hamilton)

Blagojevich’s wife, Patti, also has been approached to appear on “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!” But she’s holding off until she hears back from “Wife Swap.” (Paul Seaburn)

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is dating Michael Phelps. He’s said to be conflicted. At the same time he also loves Mary Jane. (Alan Ray)

The father of one of the child stars of “Slumdog Millionaire” is being accused of trying to sell her for $400,000. To which Macaulay Culkin’s father says he would have held out for a half million. (Jim Barach)

Kim Kardashian shocked her fans today with a blonde wig. Then she admitted that her butt is actually an old Buick. (Craig Ferguson)

Kelly McGillis has confirmed long-running rumors that she’s gay. The rumors lasted so long because the headline read, “Star of Top Gun Comes Out of Closet” and everyone just assume, well, you know. (Todd Long)

EDUCATION

The high school dropout rate is declining in some big cities. Finally the teachers having sex with their students idea seems to be working. (Pedro Bartes)

RELIGION

The Catholic Church is planning on boycotting the upcoming “Da Vinci Code” sequel “Angels & Demons.” They plan to air their own movie that they say more accurately depicts Jesus — “He’s Just Not That Into Jews.” (Jimmy Fallon)

A church in Melbourne, Florida that holds its Sunday services in an elementary school may get evicted because of a recent series of sermons titled “Great Sex for You”. School officials say it’s not right for the church to be discussing this on campus. They say good sex should remain between a teacher and his favorite student. (Jerry Perisho)

HISTORY

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

The Moonlite Bunny Ranch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an “apprenticeship” at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

I thought it was interesting that GM is now offering job-loss insurance on their cars… so that if you lose your job after you buy your GM car, they’ll make the payments for you! The interesting part is that GM employees are not allowed to take part. I’m not feeling the confidence. (Tim Hunter)

GM is phasing out Pontiac. I guess that means another $20 million bonus for the head of GM. (David Letterman)

Ford posted a $1.4 Billion first quarter loss. While GM and Chrysler are going under after receiving $17.4 Billion in government loans, Ford can be satisfied in knowing they are going broke all by themselves. (Jim Barach)

G. M.’s massive restructuring plan reportedly includes plant closures and changes to its eight brands. Also, no more throwing in the undercoating for free. (Todd Long)

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that waterboarding when you really need it? (Jay Leno)

GM is going to shit down most of its plants for nine weeks during the summer. The sad part is that they will be just as productive during that time as they are now. (Jim Barach)

Warren Buffett holds his annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He’s rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak he invested in Get Well cards. (Argus Hamilton)

American pork plants are requiring workers to shower and change clothes in an attempt to contain swine flu. Kind of makes you hope for an outbreak of “cab driver flu.” (Todd Long)

HOLIDAYS

The timing of this Mexican swine flu is just perfect. On Cinco de Mayo, when the kids swing the bat and crack open the piñata, doses of Tamiflu will come flying out. The kids will be chasing and injecting each other; oh it will be a lot of fun. (Jerry Perisho)

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Compiled by Stan Kegel