tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57297388232054845392024-03-14T03:22:44.732-06:00A Voice In The DesertSeeking Truth Among the ThornsJeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-26921911136411272872019-09-02T17:56:00.000-06:002019-09-02T18:04:57.836-06:00It's Been A Long Time...<span style="font-size: small;">Well, it's been a long time since I've posted any new content. Not sure anyone is even still reading, checking. But just in case there are still some people out there, I thought I'd share that I published my first book last year. The title is "God, Who Are You?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">If anyone is interested, it is available in paperback and Kindle on Amazon.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">(Click on the cover below and it will take you there.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">From the back cover...</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">"Have you ever felt like the God the talked about in church is distant and unapproachable? Have you felt like God could not possibly care about you, let alone love you? Have you ever looked at all the different teachings and wondered which one was right? Have you wondered what God wants and where you fit into His plan?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">If so, this book is written for you. Go on a journey that explores the foundation of God's character. Answer the question that asks who we are supposed to follow. Find out what the relationship is between Law and God's Grace. Delve into the question of what it is that God really wants from us. Find out how God sees us and who we are to Him.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">My desire for you, as you read this book, is that it would bring you to a deeper and more personal knowledge of and life with Immanuel - God With Us."</span><br />
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Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-9448165906579543692014-06-24T19:15:00.002-06:002014-06-24T19:16:00.444-06:00On Fear and Superstition....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">So. To follow up on yesterday’s post….</span></span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Fear. I have thought about this a good deal as it
has – to sometimes greater, sometimes lesser degrees – annoyed and/or plagued my
life. I think the most significant consequence of the choice of Adam and Eve to
disobey – to sin – was the entrance into the world – or rather, the entrance of
it into <i>their</i> world – of Fear. Fear
of what? Primarily, I think, of being judged. And considering the situation, it
was not an invalid fear. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">However, here is what I see. During the narrative in
Genesis 3, the judgment in the form of a curse, was first and foremost, passed
on the snake. Then the ground was cursed on account of Adam’s disobedience. But
nowhere in that narrative does God come down on them in wrath. He tells them
what the results of their actions will be. But this is not ‘punishment,’ it is ‘cause
and effect’…there is something about a Law of Sin and Death?</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">But I don’t see God’s wrath in evidence in Genesis 3
except perhaps toward the snake…..</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And yet, as a result of disobedience, this fear is a
daily companion with us. For me, I have often articulated it as ‘the fear of
being bad.’ And that is that little girl inside talking. Her vocabulary. And as
a child, it was one of the major fears I had – which made the events of my
childhood all the more cause for dissonance and despair. But really, I think,
at least for me, it boils down to a fear of sinning. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Or, to put it another way, our fears became superstitious.
What is superstition, after all, but the fear that if we do not do things right
– adhere to certain rites and rituals – bad things will happen. And you know,
in my experience, Christians look down on non-Christians for being ‘superstitious’ and
Protestants look down on Catholic ‘superstitions.’ But really, we Protestants
have our own superstitions.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">How so? Well, I am just going to dive in to the deep
end and use an example that is sure to raise some hackles. But…at least within
the church circles I have been involved with as a child and adult, the whole ‘Sinner’s
Prayer’ has become, in my view, used and viewed in a largely superstitious way.
Before you start yelling at me, please hear me out. Consider: how many churches,
either overtly or subtly, suggest that if a person has not said the Sinner’s
Prayer out loud in front of witnesses with a certain list of items that must be
included, well---they probably aren’t <i>really</i>
saved. I know of people (I used to be one of them) who had a deep fear that if
friends and family members did not/had not said this prayer specifically, they
might not make it. And conversely, there is the belief that if you <i>have</i> said it in front of witnesses, then
you are gold – all is good. Nothing else really matters…..well, except that you
follow our rules (obey our rites)…..fear that not performing a specific ritual
will lead to bad things and performing it will lead to good things….Superstition.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Now that said, I am not saying that everyone that
has ever said the Sinner’s Prayer now has their salvation suspect. I am just saying
that if this external following of a rite – performing a ritual – is how we
measure whether someone is ‘one of us,’ we have devolved the whole mess into superstitious
fear.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">See, when we turn the Gospels of Christ and/or the
words written in letters by the various apostles into rituals that must be
followed, the entire point gets lost. It becomes an exercise in external
behavior control – ticking off items on the list to see who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out.’
And in the process, Jesus gets shoved to the side in favor of the ritual.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And I get it. It is far easier – far less scary – to
obey the items on a checklist and feel justified by that (and use that to decide who is one of us) than it is to walk in
a continually developing relationship with the One whose eyes see to the very
core of us. Becoming a true friend – that is, acquainted with – God…to really
walk as his child… is daunting. It is far easier to spend our energies figuring
out the things about him and around him and making lists of these things and
rules – rites – for keeping them sacred, than it is to continually develop a
friendship, relationship knowing him. But that is the whole point. Without that
growing relationship (and all relationships grow or die, there is no lasting stasis),
what was the point, again….?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">So, back to the whole sin thing….</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Hmm…Jesus said that the main sin was not believing
in him and that judgment was for the devil. (See John 16:5-11) </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Hmm…what Jesus did for us in dying and being raised,
dealt once and for all with the sin issue. (See Romans 8:3-4, Hebrews 10:11-18,
1 John2:1-2)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Maybe sin is not the issue. Not that we don’t still
sin – of course we do. But maybe <i>that</i>
is not the point. It is a given that we sin – all of us – but the point is that
the eternal problem of sin and how it positions us in eternity has been dealt
with once, for all. We are no longer a slave to this sin or the fear of it –
sin which was highlighted in stark relief by the Law. We have been set free
from that slavery – that fear of sin and sinning. And not being afraid of sin
does not (as some Christian leaders seem to fear) mean
lawlessness. We are now free from that Law of Sin and Death and bound
internally by the heart and the Spirit of Christ. But we no longer need to <i>FEAR</i>
sin, sinning or being judged.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">So…I choose to let go (Papa, help me?) of the
superstitious fears of ‘doing it wrong’ and being thrown out as unfit – I choose
to pursue, wobbly, uncertain, deepening, beautiful relationship with the One
who made me and knows me and loves me beyond my ability to even take in.</span></span></div>
Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-5986125807593955242014-06-23T21:35:00.001-06:002014-06-23T21:38:54.184-06:00Love and Fear<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Love. A powerful word. A loaded word. A foundational
word. A revolutionary word….</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">John the Beloved said that, “God is Love.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Paul said, “…these three will endure: faith, hope
and love. But the greatest of these is love.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Jesus said, “The world will know that you are my
followers by the way you have love for one another.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">He also said, “The greatest commandment is to love
God with everything you are; and the second greatest is to love your neighbor
the way you love yourself.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">John the Beloved also said, “Perfect love cast out
fear.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">In fact, in both his account of the Gospel and in
his letters, John talked a lot about love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">So did Jesus….</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">I grew up in church. Sang, “Jesus loves me, this I
know. For the bible tells me so.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">And, after half a century of thinking I knew what
love was, I find it is not that simple. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Okay – this may be hard to get out and it may come
out awkward, but here goes….</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">You see, love scares the crap out of me. When you
grow up being sexually, emotionally and physically abused, love is a strange
concept. For me, love is not necessarily comforting because those who love me may
be cruel to prove a point – to teach a lesson. They may withhold affection to
toughen and make me ‘strong.’ They may scold and they may punish. They may
ignore until I make them mad. Those who love me may use a belt to correct even
before wrongs are understood. In other words, when you tell me God loves me, I’m
liable to cringe a little and hope his mercy outweighs his love……</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">And the flip side of that is, if I love, I will get
out of bed in the middle of deep sleep to drive across town and get someone a
coke with that ice they like. If I love someone, I will jump when they say jump…I
will make all the bad stuff in their life go away. If I don’t take responsibility
for someone else’s happiness, I don’t really love them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">And that is how I grew up. And let me tell you,
being expected to take responsibility for the happiness of a malignant narcissist
in the name of love is a recipe for mental breakdown. It is the ultimate double
bind. And I find that now, I distrust this word ‘love.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">On an intellectual level, I understand that the love
I experienced growing up and the love Jesus and John and Paul talk about are
not the same….and yet…..I don’t know for sure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">I am realizing that I fear God’s love because I
expect it to look like my parents’ love: always watching for errors to correct.
The ever present ‘gotcha!’ I cringe before the Father, because I expect him to
have the belt ready to punish….hmmm….you know, the church culture I grew up in
contributed to this, as well. The whole concept of “getting your act together
with God or he will take you out to the woodshed.” Yeah. That’s what the word
love is connected to in my mind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">And yet…..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">Deeper, there is a voice that tells me there is
something different than what I’ve known. And the odd thing is, I have no
trouble seeing the deep, compassionate, embracing, generous,
wrap-you-up-in-warm-comfort love he has for other people. I can look in their
eyes and feel the love of God for them…..but I cannot seem to translate that
back to myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">The Message puts John’s words </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;">like
this: “<span class="text">There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love
banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of
judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.” (1 John 4:18). So…a fearful life
is one that is not fully formed in love. So….love does not cause fear….it
banishes it. Tilt. This is slowly seeping in through the cracks of my childhood-old
walls of defense. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">For
me, this is a radical idea, that God loves me as I am – for real and not just
hypothetically. Hmm…I realized, a couple of days ago, that one of the issues I
have had with accepting God’s love lies in the fact that somewhere along the
line growing up, I learned that if you did not earn something, you had no right
to take it and if someone gave you something you did not earn, you needed to do
something to prove you deserved it. This had a subtle effect on how I viewed
God’s gifts of grace and love. I had the vague subconscious feeling that in
order to truly enjoy it and let it settle into me, I needed to prove I deserved
it. This is part of what led me into the bowels of a cult (and thankfully back
out). And while in that cult, it led to the idea that it was not okay to do
anything that was not spiritually focused. And now, I realize there is a subtle
(and until now) subconscious belief that “sin is fun and God is hard.” And the
thing is, I bet there are a few of you that read that and nod in agreement:
yes, quite right. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">But
the thing is, it is not quite right. In fact, I’m beginning to see that it is
quite backward. Sin is hard and God is fun. See, if we are in him and he is in
us, then sin is certainly not fun. It hurts – it sucks. And if we are in him
and really start to get that he loves us, he is fun – his burden is light, not
heavy and tiresome. He is not against recreation. Playing games – having fun
with friends. I had reached the point where I thought he was against these
things – that my love for him had to be demonstrated in the complete sacrifice
of self – likes, interests, fun…..anything outside of studying him…..and anything
the ‘church’ said was ‘wrong’….</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And
I find myself back in the heart of this battle….what does he demand of me? Some
old interests – things that I used to really enjoy pre-cult days – have been
re-introduced into my life. And my initial reaction was one of excitement and wow,
really? Can I? And now, I am fighting whether it is okay to have fun again. Is
God displeased? Am I asking for the belt? Within the church world, I never saw
anything to contradict the concept of getting the belt for getting ‘out of
line.’</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">Sigh.
Perfect love casts out fear. All fear. Including the fear of being in trouble. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And
yet today, I find fear a companion like it hasn’t been for years. Fear of
punishment. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being unworthy. Fear of ‘sinning.’ And
I know that the primary thing that Jesus came to set us free from was that very
fear. I’ve written about it in a previous <a href="http://www.truth-makes-freedom.blogspot.com/2012/03/pursuing-freedom.html">post</a>. I have lived led by fear and it
sucks. It is superstition. It is the fear that God will communicate his will by
means of tests that stretch your stress levels to the breaking point. Fear that
if I get out of line, he will remove his favor, his protection, his love….turn
his back and let me take my lumps…..teach me by sending trials…….</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And
I know this is not really what love should look like. Deep underneath, my heart
knows what love should look like. But that scared, abused, broken little girl
is still scared to death that she will be found out and the shit will hit the
fan. Found out in what? That she is a fraud, of course. She doesn’t really
deserve to be in this ‘club’ because she is ruined. She is tainted. She didn’t
do anything right. And she will be the one that gets thrown out of the wedding
feast for not wearing the right clothes. (see Matthew 22:11-13) And it doesn’t
matter that she wants desperately to be with Jesus, to be close to God. Because
she is a fraud – doesn’t measure up to the standard set – she will be found out
and thrown out. She grew up in church living a lie that she was ‘pure’ when she
was not. And the truth is, I really don’t want to try to measure up anymore. I
want to give up. But I am afraid that if I turn my back on that (it seems so
foundational in my life), I will also turn my back on God….There. That is the
fear. But I know that is not Truth…..and yet the fear remains. And I am not
sure how to unroot it. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span class="text" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 107%;">And
so, my prayer is that I would know what love really is. That the fear of losing
it will be swallowed by the reality of it. </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-38449732490519143442012-04-10T19:39:00.007-06:002012-04-10T22:21:29.731-06:00What if.....<i>This post is part of the <a href="http://synchroblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/the-resurrection-hoax-invitation-to-the-april-synchroblog/">April Synchroblog</a>.</i><br />
<br />
The question presented for the synchroblog is: What if the resurrection of Jesus was a hoax?<br />
<br />
Well, the first thing that came to mind is that if he was not raised, he was not the Messiah - not the Christ. This would mean that everything from Matthew to Revelation (in the Bible) would be bullshit. There would be no room for the idea of viewing him as a good teacher, just not divine. Why? Because he made it very plain in the words attributed to him in the Gospels that he <i>was</i> the Christ and he would be raised. So, either he did not say those things and his followers made that part up, which would bring into question <b>all</b> quotes attributed to him, <i><b>or</b></i> he actually did say these things, in which case he was either a manipulative opportunist undeserving of being followed or he was a lunatic with delusions of grandeur whose teaching would be dangerous to follow. He said he was God, after all....there is not really much wiggle room here if truth is at all important. As C. S. Lewis pointed out in Mere Christianity, Jesus did not mean to leave any room for viewing him as just a good teacher.<br />
<br />
But I want to take this in to a little more personal direction. If the resurrection did not happen, then I would not be here. For me, it is about more than teachings and doctrines and theologies and debating - not that I can't get into that at times - I can go all theonerd with the best of them. No, for me, it is about him being there in the middle of the night when the demons want to torment a 9 year old girl. It is about knowing him more and more - and being known by him more and more. It is about him being a real, living, speaking person here, now in this present time. Forget following his teachings as a good moral code for living. For me, he was/is a here and now - front and center - holding my hand in the dark so I could/can sleep, singing softly in my ear to comfort - constant presence in my life. <br />
<br />
Simply put, if there was no resurrection, then he would not have been there holding my hand and comforting me while I walked through the hell that was my childhood/early adulthood. And if he had not been there, I would not have survived. So - Jesus not raised? I would not be here. If he was not raised, I would not have seen him and I would have succeeded in taking my own life. And I think that is the most fundamental point.... Emmanuel - God <i>with</i> us - still.<i> </i> <br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
<i>Other synchroblog participants:</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
<i>Marta Layton: <a href="http://fidesquaerens.livejournal.com/77300.html">On faith seeking understanding, truth and theology</a></i><br />
<i>Carol Kuniholm: <a href="http://wordshalfheard.blogspot.com/2012/04/risen-indeed.html">Risen Indeed? The Hermaneutic Community</a></i><br />
<i>Tim Nichols: <a href="http://fullcontactchristianity.org/2012/04/09/how-would-life-be-different-if-jesus-did-not-rise/">How Would Life Be Different If Jesus Did Not Rise?</a></i><br />
<i>Glenn Hager: <a href="http://www.glennhager.com/?p=719">Kingdom Come or Kingdom Now?</a></i><br />
<i>Sonja Andrews: <a href="http://www.calacirian.org/?p=1285">The Resurrection and The Life</a></i><br />
<i>Josh Morgan:<a href="http://jacobscafe.blogspot.com/2012/04/role-of-resurrection.html"> The Role Of The Resurrection</a></i><br />
<i>Abbie Watters: <a href="http://abbiewatters.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/what-if-the-resurrection-were-a-lie/">What If The Resurrection Were A Lie?</a></i><br />
<i>Minnow: <a href="http://minnowspeaks.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/resurrection-impact/">Resurrection Impact</a></i><br />
<i>Leah: <a href="http://desertspiritsfire.blogspot.com/2012/04/april-synchroblog-resurrection-or-not.html">Resurrection - Or Not!</a></i><br />
<i>Hey Sonnie: <a href="http://heysonnie.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/resurrection_hoax/">The Resurrection Hoax</a></i><br />
<i>Liz Dyer: <a href="http://gracerules.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/the-resurrection-i-firmly-believe-in/">The Resurrection I Firmly Believe In</a></i><br />
<i>Helen Haroutunian: <a href="http://ellenharoutunian.com/2012/04/10/april-2012-synchroblog-is-there-a-christianity-without-the-resurrection/">Is There A Christianity Without The Resurrection?</a></i><br />
<i>Christine Sine: <a href="http://godspace.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/if-the-resurrection-did-not-happen-how-would-the-world-be-different/">If the Resurrection Did Not Happen, How Would the World be Different?</a> </i><br />
<i>KW Leslie: <a href="http://morechrist.blogspot.com/2012/04/supposing-jesus-is-dead.html">Supposing Jesus Is Dead</a> </i><br />
<i>Travis Mamone: <a href="http://www.travismamone.net/2012/04/if-resurrection-was-hoax_10.html">If The Resurrection Was A Hoax...</a> </i><br />
<i>Kathy Escobar: <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2012/04/10/jenga-faith-2/">Jenga Faith</a> </i><br />
<i>Jeremy Myers: <a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/if-jesus-did-not-rise/">What If Jesus Did Not Rise?</a> </i>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-9780963162358289742012-03-25T22:40:00.010-06:002012-03-26T05:28:48.076-06:00The Minefield of Mental Illness and the ChurchThe topic of how the church deals with mental health issues has been large in my mind the last couple of weeks. It started with a teaching I heard, continued with the comment thread on an article over at <a href="http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/03/what_jason_russells_mental_bre.html">Her.meneutics</a>, and ended with another teaching I heard. The things I have experienced in this arena all came flooding back and anger, fear, frustration, sadness...they all rode on the coattails of the teaching and comments.<br />
<br />
So, some history. I grew up in a household - and in a broader sense, a denomination - that at best, distrusted the field of psychology and at wort mocked and ridiculed it. Now in the family dynamics, I understand that narcissists will nearly always have a great aversion to counselors/psychologists/therapists, etc., because they do not wish to be exposed. So my mother's aversion and ridicule of the profession is not surprising. But the church is another matter.<br />
<br />
I understand that in the early days, a lot of people in the profession were openly against religion and that understandably created a reaction. However, that has changed even to the point that the American Psychiatric Association has acknowledged in their journals that incorporating a client's spiritual beliefs (and respecting same) is important to the treatment process. And some denominations have begun incorporating counseling into their staff. Cool. Great.<br />
<br />
But, in my own experience, the "Christian" counselors put doctrine above psychological training - and in so doing, put doctrine ahead of the client's mental health. I have seen this. But what I saw in the comments and heard in the sermons is something that I find dangerous. Why dangerous? Because it sets people up to be abused - and it sets people up to be abusive - well meaning people end up using these doctrines and doing harm. So, what is it that I'm so worked up about?<br />
<br />
Here are some statements:<br />
<br />
- Depression is always demonic<br />
- Depression is a sin<br />
- There's no such thing as mental illness, it is all just demons<br />
<br />
Okay, the sermon I heard laid out step by step instructions for how to recognize someone who was being overcome by demons and how to deliver them. I want to state, for the record, that I do believe that demons exist and that they harass and possess people. I've seen too much not to. But what was stated in this teaching was, to me, over the top. The description that was given of how to recognize someone who had fallen away from faith and was in the hands of demonic forces and needed intervention was identical to the list of symptoms of someone who is coming out of a cultish religiously abusive situation - reverting to old behaviors, cussing, not reading the Bible anymore... As I listened to this list, I realized that by the definition presented, they would have been trying to cast the demons out of me the whole time I was recovering/healing from the abuses of my past.<br />
<br />
I was reminded that I have realized, several times over the last 5 years, that the religious people around me, if they witnessed one of my PTSD moments, would have been trying to cast the demons out of me. I actually was experiencing some PTSD symptoms while listening to this message and in the midst of this knew that if those around me knew what was going on, they would have applied what they were hearing and tried to exorcise me. Talk about some cognitive pain.<br />
<br />
See, here's the thing: this teaching leaves no room for the <i>normal</i> mental/emotional effects of abuse or even just a traumatic event like an accident. An example that comes to mind is one of a 12 year old girl who was stood on a chair by the elders in her own home while they tried to cast the spirit of rebellion out of her. Within 18 or so months, she had run away from home, gotten pregnant - why? Because her father was emotionally abusive and her older sister was even more so and her home life was intolerable. But these church elders did not make inquiries - they just labeled her and tried to 'deliver' her and in doing so, made the trauma worse - and drove her away from God almost permanently.<br />
<br />
This is the crux of what has me so angry and sad and agitated inside - this teaching can be emotionally deadly to those suffering from mental distress. For me, personally, it made it very difficult to even recognize that I needed professional help, let alone actually seek it. I actually reached the point where I tried to kill myself before I sought help - and then only because the only friend I trusted at the time insisted I get help or leave. And here's the thing - I was in so much emotional pain that in a combination of anger and just plain overwhelmed-ness, I took a bottle of Darvon and went to bed. As I began to fade into the blackness, I was afraid. I told God I was sorry - for everything, including not being strong enough.... And his presence flooded that room with such profound peace. I was settled - I was relaxed - I knew he was right there and as I faded out, I did not expect to wake up. 24 hours later, however, I did wake up and had to begin dealing with the reality that I was still here and my life was still a mess. If, in that state, I had been confronted by people who thought my problem was just that I needed to have the devil cast out of me, I think I might have gone insane. This was 24 years ago. I recently, because of the healing that has been taking place, realized that this incident happened within a couple of weeks of seeing the primary molester - the first time I had seen him in more than 10 years. And I had to interact with him in a family holiday setting for 48 hours - and no one else knew.... and it triggered an emotional meltdown. Well, duh!<br />
<br />
That brings me to another point. First, I will say that there are some cases of mental illness that are demonic in nature. But to say all are is, to me, profoundly troubling. If you have read my blog, you already know this, but I will do a quick recap for those who haven't been around much before. As a child I was molested - repeatedly - by several people; first when I was 2 1/2 and then again through the period from 7 to 12 years old - all outside my home. In addition to this, I lived in an emotionally and verbally abusive home that was also physically abusive (whippings with a belt were part of potty training). All this in the midst of being in a deeply religious family with parents as church leaders. Straight up - this messed me up. Bad. Even now, after 4 years of therapy, I have trouble really admitting that things were really <i>that</i> bad.... And in order to just survive, I stuffed it all away in a box locked under the stairs in the cellar of my mind. But the contents of that box would not stay hidden (they never do). And finally, God led to a place - and put a friend in my life that would hold my hand through it - where I actually began looking at it and dealing with it. And that has required the help of someone professionally trained for that purpose, not unlike seeking an orthopedic surgeon for a crushed leg.<br />
<br />
And I have encountered, over the last five years, religious advice on this. The first was that I had better go to Christian counselors. I asked God about that and got one of the biggest 'NOs' I have even heard/felt. Okay. Then I have been told by someone who was a family friend at the time all this was going on (in childhood) that I needed to let one of the elders at her church pray for me because he was gifted in praying for deliverance. No thanks. I know what that looks like because I grew up in it. If I had allowed an attempted exorcism or whatever, I think it would have sent me around the bend.<br />
<br />
Here's another thing - In the process of surviving all these years, there have been moments that..... Well, one was about 20 years ago, I was in a position where I was living with my grandparents and sharing a bedroom/bed with my mother - a narcissist.... and I was sitting outside in my car one night and I began to recognized different facets of my personality - 4 or 5 of them - and realized I was just on the edge of having them shatter. And God reached out and told me I did not have to step off that cliff if I didn't want to. A similar thing happened 5 years ago, when everything was blowing apart with the church/cult I used to be a leader in. What was happening there was stirring up all the childhood shit again - the stuff that had only just barely been acknowledged and never dealt with. And there was a death in the family and my mom was in ICU in a coma.... and I sat in a dark side room in that church sobbing... and I asked God if I could please just let go for a while and go crazy - retreat inside my head. His response was so loving. He said that I absolutely could if I wanted to and there would be no condemnation attached - I had every right to. But he also wanted me to think about whether, if I did, I would be able to come back. He would not guarantee that I would. But just the acknowledgment that I had reason to be distressed did wonders in giving me strength to hang on.<br />
<br />
Hmm.... I wish there wasn't this fear within the church that causes mental illness to be labeled demonic. It really has put me in a position that for my own mental safety, I need to pull back from a group of believers - again. And I fear that if any of them read this, they would be concerned that I was 'back-slidden' and in need of having the Word pounded into that. That is the other thing about this teaching that was so disturbing to me. The solution was to read the Word to the person in order to "pound on the rock until it breaks" (referenced Jeremiah 23:29 to back this). To me, that is giving people with more zeal than wisdom (and good intention) the idea that the solution to mental illness is to pound Bible verses into someone. Yikes! In the hands of someone with an abusive/controlling streak, this is a license to abuse with the Word. Is the answer to mental illness really to thump someone over the head with Bible verses? This truly makes my heart hurt.<br />
<br />
And I have to say that after I walked out of the church/cult 5 years ago, part of the healing process (that is still in progress) required laying the Bible down and not reading it ... at all... for nearly 2 years. By the definition I heard today, that would be evidence of demonic influence. But I can say with absolute clarity that the reason I had to lay that book down was because it had been used to beat me down and control and abuse and scare me for so long that I could only hear the voice of the abusers through it. And it took almost 2 years of healing before I could read it without hearing those voices and the teachings that had so twisted me up.<br />
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And I don't know what to do about this. I know I need to remove myself from the teaching because it is causing too much pain. But the people. Damn it. I like these people and I am so tired of losing friendships over religion. But I don't know how to talk to them about it. To be honest, I am afraid to. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand. I am afraid they would apply the teachings I heard today. It's one thing to be called a heretic and told you're going to hell by some anonymous blog commenter that you don't know and probably never will. But it's a whole other thing when the attack is coming from a friend who thinks they are helping.Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-56324058722691881962012-03-20T08:09:00.007-06:002012-03-21T13:26:49.634-06:00On Being Female....<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">This is part of the <a href="http://synchroblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/link-list-march-2012-synchroblog-all-about-eve/" target="_blank">March Synchroblog</a></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Hmm… I have found this post harder to write than I expected. When I first saw the subject for this month’s synchroblog – All About Eve: Women’s History Month, I was excited. After all, it was a topic I had requested. I thought about it and had my subject all picked out – I was going to de-construct the foundational issue in the patriarchal theology concerning hierarchy. At some point in the future, I may still write about that. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my heart is in a different direction right now. I love to dig into theology and all, but there have already been some wonderful things written that deconstruct the ideas surrounding so called ‘biblical patriarchy’. At the bottom of this post, I will put some links for those of you who are interested.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">So… what is on my heart? I have struggled with this post more than anything I have ever written. I’m not really sure why. I guess what's bubbling to the surface makes me feel vulnerable. Deep breath…. I am going to try to describe what it is like, for me, to be a woman.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">The first thing that comes to mind is that I have never much identified with being a woman. I know that sounds strange. I have always (nearly 50 years) been female. Even typing that feels strange. It has only been recently that I have consciously recognized that I have never gender identified. That is gradually – oh so slowly – beginning to change. So why, during the bulk of my life, when I thought of myself, it was nearly always in terms of gender-neutral? Well… I think there are a lot of reasons.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">The most obvious is probably the childhood sexual abuse. When I was a kid – 7, 8, 9 years old, I <b><i>did not</i></b> want to be a girl. For awhile, I even wished I was a boy. Boys had all the power. Boys hurt people – girls got hurt. As I built barriers inside to protect myself, especially after the sexual abuse stopped. I had no ability to relate to normal kid things – socially, I didn’t fit and didn’t know how to. And the pressure as you go into Junior High to start dating and <i>liking</i> boys, was confusing and sometimes excruciating. And I knew I wasn’t normal. I knew I would never be normal. And I knew that if anyone knew what had been done to me, I would never be accepted – I would have a ‘reputation’ – I would be pitied at best and rejected as ruined at worst. So, rather than trying to fit into those roles, I simply withdrew into my own world where gender was of no importance.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">All of this happened in the late 60s and early 70s. So there was the added pressure of the very public feminist movement – Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem. And we went to a fairly conservative small town church. My aunt was a staunch feminist. My mom was critical – no, condescending – toward her. I remember when I was 11 and began to enter puberty, my aunt took me aside and told me I needed to decide, right now, whether I was going to start wearing a bra or not. My mom gave me no such option. My aunt would interrupt in mid sentence to correct from ‘lady’ to ‘woman’. She would go into lecture mode if any man in the public arena called her ‘sweetie’ or ‘sugar’ or some other such word. Hmm…. She would wear bib-overalls with no shirt or bra underneath. She really didn’t inspire me to her cause with these things.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, my mom was above all that ‘feminist nonsense’, as she seemed to view it. I think she felt like it made women look ridiculous, or something. She was definitely not a fan of Friedan or Steinem – and was not shy about expressing her opinion about them. I remember when Billie Jean King challenged Bobby Riggs to a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Sexes_%28tennis%29">“Battle of the Sexes”</a> tennis match. King beat Riggs handily and I remember my mom saying some derogatory things about the match. But I was secretly rooting for King and felt a small sliver of validation when she won…. I was 10 at the time. Hmm… actually, what I felt was more like relief that she had won. Interesting. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">This was all in the backdrop of being heavily involved in various Assemblies of God churches (my dad’s job required us to move a lot). I know A of G is supposed to be egalitarian and allowing women to be ordained and all – and the <a href="http://ag.org/top/Beliefs/Position_Papers/pp_downloads/PP_The_Role_of_Women_in_Ministry.pdf">position paper</a> they put out in August of 2010 is very cool – but the reality in my life in the 60s and 70s was that women needed to stay in their place. Maybe this was as much societal as church. I don’t know, but the reality was that no matter which way I looked, TV, family, church… It was just better – more profitable – to be a boy. And I did not want to be pressed into the female mold that I saw, so I retreated from gender as much as was possible. Hmm… when I was in 8<sup>th</sup> grade, I was at a marching band competition. I loved band and marching band. I played the trombone and I was first chair. It was lunch time and the guy who sat second chair to me, Pete, and I were sitting under a tree eating our lunch. His mom came up to me and said, “You should play a more feminine instrument and let a boy have first chair in a boy’s instrument.” What? How did gender get in the middle of my favorite class? Pete was so embarrassed by his mom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">The message I heard growing up was clear. It basically sucked to be female. The message came mostly in subtle, not blatant and easily definable ways. It came from church. It came from the media/TV. It came from family. It came from society at large. It came from those that used me even when I was only 2 years old. And this what it said:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls are to be conquered, boys are conquerors</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls are to be controlled, boys get to do what they want</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls are to be used, boy can say no</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls have no power, boys have all the power</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls are weak, boys are strong</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls, once used, are dirty</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls should follow, boys get to lead</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Girls are to blame, boys get sympathy</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Boys are the boss, girls better get in line</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Boys are designed to lead, girls are designed to follow</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Boys get more privileges, girls are restricted</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">If a boy hurts you, people take his side</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">IF you hurt a boy, people take his side</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Boys get away with things, girls get in trouble</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">·<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Boys are celebrated, girls are tolerated</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">So how does that all shake out now that I am quickly approaching 50? Well, I have rejected church, in general. I have walked away from my parents – haven’t talked to my mom in close to 4 years. I don’t really watch much TV – avoid advertising to the degree that I reasonably can. I read a lot of different blogs and have gained a new respect for my aunt – and for Friedan and Steinem. And I have been in therapy for over 4 years. And I pursue God. And I am gradually beginning to believe that it is okay to be a daughter of God. I have begun to think of myself as a girl, a woman – tentatively, cautiously – like trying on a new coat, unsure if there is something in the pocket that might bite. I have reached the place where I kind of think it might be okay to be female….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Other synchoblog participants:</span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Michelle Morr Krabill - <a href="http://wordofawoman.com/2012/03/20/why-i-love-being-a-woman/" target="_blank">Why I Love Being A Woman </a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Marta Layton - <a href="http://fidesquaerens.livejournal.com/71900.html" target="_blank">The War on Terror and the War on Women</a></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Ellen Haroutunian - <a href="http://ellenharoutunian.com/2012/03/13/march-synchroblog-all-about-eve/" target="_blank">March Synchroblog: All About Eve</a> </span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Jeremy Myers - <a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/women-must-lead-the-church/" target="_blank">Women Must Lead the Church</a></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Carol Kuniholm - <a href="http://wordshalfheard.blogspot.com/2012/03/lenten-submission-rethinking-hupotasso.html" target="_blank">Lenten Submission: Rethinking Hupotasso</a></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Wendy McCaig - <a href="http://wendymccaig.com/2012/03/19/letting-junia-fly-releasing-the-called/" target="_blank">Letting Junia Fly: Releasing the Called</a></span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Tammy Carter - <a href="http://blessingthebeloved.blogspot.com/2012/03/pat-summitt-changing-game-changing.html" target="_blank">Pat Summitt: Changing the Game & Changing the World</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Kathy Escobar - <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2012/03/20/replacing-the-f-word-with-the-d-word-no-not-those-ones/" target="_blank">Replacing the "f" Word With the "d" Word (No, Not Those Ones!) </a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Melody Hanson - <a href="http://logicandimagination.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/call-me-crazy-but-i-talk-to-jesus-too-on-being-a-christian-woman/" target="_blank">Call Me Crazy, But I Talk to Jesus (Thoughts On Being A Christian Woman In the 21st Century) </a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Glenn Hager - <a href="http://www.glennhager.com/?p=488" target="_blank">Walked Into A Bar</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Steve Hayes - <a href="http://khanya.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/st-christina-of-persia/" target="_blank">St. Christina of Persia</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Leah Sophia - <a href="http://desertspiritsfire.blogspot.com/2012/03/march-synchroblog-all-about-eve.html" target="_blank">March Synchroblog: All About Eve</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Liz Dyer - <a href="http://gracerules.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/the-problem-is-not-that-i-see-sexism-everywhere-the-problem-is-that-you-dont/" target="_blank">The Problem Is Not That I See Sexism Everywhere, The Problem Is That You Don't</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Sonja Andrews - <a href="http://www.calacirian.org/?p=1276" target="_blank">International Women's Day</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Sonnie Swenston-Forbes - <a href="http://heysonnie.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/the_women/" target="_blank">The Women: Named And Unnamed</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><i>Christine Sine - <a href="http://godspace.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/it-all-begins-with-love/" target="_blank">It All Begins With Love</a></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">K W Leslie - <a href="http://morechrist.blogspot.com/2012/03/undoing-subordination-of-women.html" target="_blank">Undoing the Subordination of Women</a></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Carrie Good - <a href="http://cariesgarden.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/the-math-of-mr-cardinal/" target="_blank">The Math of Mr. Cardinal</a> </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Dan Brennan - <a href="http://danbrennan.typepad.com/my_weblog/2012/03/ten-women-i-want-to-honor.html" target="_blank">Ten Women I Want To Honor</a> </span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">======================================================================</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Here are some links if you care to dig into the answer to patriarchy yourself: </span><a href="http://godswordtowomen.wordpress.com/100-lessons/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">God’s Word to Women</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">, </span><a href="http://powerscourt.blogspot.com/search/label/response%20to%20Grudem"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Suzanne’s Bookshelf</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">, </span><a href="http://ag.org/top/Beliefs/Position_Papers/pp_downloads/PP_The_Role_of_Women_in_Ministry.pdf"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Assemblies of God Position Paper on Women in Ministry – August 2010</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">, </span><a href="http://www.qhpress.org/texts/fell.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Margaret Fell: Women Speaking Justified</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">. </span></i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">And here are some links to examples of some of the more tame, main-stream doctrines in the ‘biblical patriarchy’ camp so you know this stuff isn't made up: </span><a href="http://www.visionforumministries.org/home/about/biblical_patriarchy.aspx"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Vision Forum: The Tenets of Biblical Patriarchy</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">, </span><a href="http://www.cbmw.org/Evangelical-Feminism-and-Biblical-Truth/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; line-height: 115%;">Council On Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: Evangelical Feminism and Biblical Truth by Wayne Grudem</span></a></i></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;"><i>.</i> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-276256220631264142012-03-12T21:43:00.002-06:002012-03-13T07:51:32.442-06:00Pursuing Freedom....<div style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;">Freedom. It is an inspiring word. Depending on your circumstance, it can even be a painful word. To those who are oppressed, the promise of freedom can stir hope - but if hope is dead or dormant, it can cut like a knife. What is freedom? Well, according to Webster’s….</span></div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><div style="margin: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Freedom: A state of exemption from the power or control of another; liberty; exemption from slavery, servitude or confinement. Exemption from fate, necessity, or any constraint of predetermination or otherwise; as the freedom of the will. Ease or facility of doing anything. Frankness; boldness. </i></span></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">Hmm…. freedom. It has been the prayer of my heart for over 6 years now. And if I had known then what it would actually look like to get there, I would probably freaked out and run for fear of ‘losing my faith’. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">And here I am, 5 years out of a rather explosive (it felt like it at the time) exit from the Institutional Church and a path of seeing a therapist (to my Pentecostal past associates, oh, the horrors), of having not a few emotional meltdowns and wondering at times (as recently as last week…) if I am even a Christian or if any of this stuff is really true…. and irony of ironies, I am supposed to teach on the subject of freedom to a small fellowship I am involved with soon….</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">I am more settled in my faith – in whom (not what) I hold to – than I have been in a long time, thanks, in part to a bit of a faith challenge last week. I’ll get to that in due course.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">So, we have the definition of freedom above, but my question is this: What, exactly, is it that Christ set us free from? The doctrine I grew up in – boiled down to it essence as practiced – was that we were freed from going to hell. And that was about the sum of the teaching on freedom I heard growing up. Later, in the cult (church) I was a leader in, they expanded this to a neat little slogan – “Fall in love with Jesus, then live however you want.” A dart thrown in the right direction, perhaps, but the reality was that it was understood that if you <i>really</i> loved Jesus, you would behave the way the church told you to behave because Jesus set that church over you to tell you what to do. Okay, okay. That didn’t say it quite like that, but they sure practiced it that way. Hmm…. actually, they did, sometimes, say it kind of like that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">So again, what are we free from? I’ve been thinking on this a lot, can you tell? Here is where I am with this. Go back to Eden. What was the first thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit? They recognized they were naked and they were ashamed and afraid. They covered and hid. The first consequence was the entrance of Fear. And that is at the root of a great deal of our bondages ever since, I think. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">I know in my life, the <i>major</i> fear I fight is the fear of punishment – the fear of screwing up and getting in trouble. And it has been a process over the last few years to get to the place where I understand that in Christ, there is no fear of condemnation – those things do not come at me from Papa<i> (Romans 8:1, 1 John 4:18, 2 Timothy 1:7)</i>. And I thought I had gotten a handle on this. Yeah, right. Then I ran smack dab into that deep well of fear still lurking in me when a friend was teaching at the little fellowship I’ve hooked up with – and his teaching reminded me of the teachings of my childhood. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">And I freaked out. After the meeting, my friend and I started talking and I reverted back to that little girl trying to defend herself and being afraid…. and it took me a couple of days to sort it out. That Pentecostalism I grew up in was still lurking in there exerting control over my perceptions of what I had to do to be accepted. Ah…. recognition is the first <i>giant</i> step toward freedom. I gave some really child-like reasons for why the teaching bothered me. Really, they were reasons that sounded like a little girl worked them out. And I guess, in essence, she did. But here’s the beautiful thing – the grown-up girl recognized the source (a day or two later) and was able to ask Papa to help uproot all traces of Pentecostalism (and all other isms) out of my insides. “Yikes!” says the little girl who still isn’t sure that’s okay. But it is okay. I actually told my therapist (who is Catholic) that I think Pentecostal guilt is quite possibly stronger than the proverbial Catholic guilt. She thought for a minute, and then said she could see that as being possible… </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">So I think one of the main points of the Gospel is that we have been set free from the fear of punishment; set free from the fear of getting it wrong. It seems to me that many of the churches I have observed have this unwritten understanding that, “Yes, the blood of Christ saves us, but then we have to work to keep it.” They seem to think we can earn God’s acceptance, His favor. But the logical conclusion of that thinking is that Jesus died in vain<i> (Galatians 2:21)</i>. If there was any way we could ever earn God’s favor, then Jesus would have not needed to come. In fact, to say that we can earn it – must earn it – is saying we don’t really need God. Seriously, to suggest that we get saved by the Grace and blood of Jesus but then have to work to keep it is to say that the sacrifice Jesus made was not strong enough to do a complete job of it and we need to finish the job Jesus started. All I can now say to that is, “Seriously?” But sin management is big business in the Institutional Church. Control is the real issue, I think. And that won’t be given up easily – if ever. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: large; line-height: 115%;">But really, I don’t think that ‘sin’ is even the point anymore. If Christ’s blood has dealt with sin once and for all<i> (Romans 6:10, Hebrews 7:27, Hebrews 9:12, Hebrews 10:10)</i>, then sin is no longer the issue. Yay! To be freed from the fear of sinning. So I think I am reaching the place where I can go to a meeting, hear a teaching that I disagree with and just…disagree, without feeling like my position with Papa is in jeopardy or I will be viewed as inadequate. I think I may be on the brink of being settled and comfortable and confident enough in what Papa has been teaching me to stand unmoved by religious attempts at control. Yes – that is freedom, indeed.</span></div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-40725947390416020972012-01-07T01:26:00.001-07:002012-01-07T01:39:15.372-07:00My real name is.....Well, after almost four years of blogging, the day has finally come that I am coming out from behind my pseudonym and blogging under my real name.<br />
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This is a little scary - vulnerable, but also exciting. I am no longer afraid of being in trouble for speaking up - speaking out - speaking my mind. And the family members I was concerned about hurting are much more aware of the facts discussed here than when I started. So although it will probably still be painful for them to read, it won't be as devastating,,,<br />
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So, hi. My name is Jeannette.............Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-35873872989831295492011-11-08T01:49:00.013-07:002011-11-08T20:54:06.542-07:00HonestyHmm...I had an interesting encounter these past few days with a version of my former self.<br />
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I came across Jeremy Myers' blog "<a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/">Till He Comes</a>" a couple of months ago and have enjoyed reading his thoughts on what "church" maybe should look like. In the last few days, he has been doing a series of posts that are generally about the concept of removing the fences from around churches and let Christ draw people in....and he attracted the attention of a couple of people who vehemently disagree with his whole concept. They made a lot of accusations along the lines of 'heretic' and 'blasphemer' and 'going to hell', etc., etc., etc....and I got drawn into the debate for a few days...and was told I had rejected Jesus and was following Jeremy to hell. Sigh. And I realized a couple of things.<br />
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The first was that I really did not have the inclination to argue, which came at about the same time as I realized that there could be no profit in it because I was not going to be heard and they would not be able to pull me back into that thinking....<br />
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The second was that I felt no great need to defend myself or justify myself or prove my point. And <i>THIS</i> feels <u><b>good</b></u>. :-)<br />
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But, this exchange has stirred a lot of thoughts and I am going to try to share them coherently....<br />
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In trying to explain my position and why I disagreed with their position, I used specific Bible passages that have come alive in new ways to me recently. After spending a year and a half not even being able to read it without getting pissed off, this is a good thing. Unfortunately, they did not see the verses in the same light I do. After a few exchanges, I realized that because of the lens they view the Bible through, no amount of debate will convince them. I know. I used to see things that way, too.<br />
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It's the position that the Institutional Church (IC) promotes. Nearly every IC I've seen does this to some degree. They promote an attitude of, "Our denominational doctrine is the only <i>correct</i> one. You must believe and defend our stance or you are not really one of us." The threat of deception into hell looms large. I remember what it felt like. Hanging your faith hat on one denomination's doctrinal statement is a dangerous and tricky business. Any time someone disagrees, anger and fear rise up in alternating measures. You <i>must</i> correct them - win the argument - prove you are right and they are wrong. Why? Because if you <i>don't</i>, then the foundations of what you think God is all about (what the IC of choice or birth has taught you God is about) begin to shake and crack. And <i>that</i> is scary as hell.<br />
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And until God planted me in the middle of an ugly IC situation - let me see it for what it really was, and then led me away from the IC - to a place of learning truth (on so many levels), there was nothing that would have enticed me away from the pseudo-sense-of-security the IC offers.<br />
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And it was neither an easy nor fun process. Those of you that have followed my blog through the years have gotten a taste of it. That first year out of the IC was a confusing mix of joyous freedoms and deep anxiety. As I have mentioned in other posts, when I left the IC, I entered into a place where everything I had ever been taught about God and church and religion was shattered with the wrecking ball of reality. Most of what I thought I knew about my childhood and family was also shatter by a series of crashing waves of truth....and frankly, at the time, I wasn't sure I would survive. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to.<br />
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Having the illusions and defensive barriers of a lifetime come crashing around your ears is no picnic. (ha!) I spent my days sitting in my car at the park trying to continue reading the Bible and talking to God and talking to my aunt on the phone to try and keep a semblance of sanity. I spent my nights sleeping in my dad's garage on a couch (I was living there and had a bedroom with a bed in it) because it was the only place I felt safe. I spent as many nights as possible at my friend's house. I would lie in bed and just shake. The fear that I was going off the deep end spiritually and mentally dogged me all through this time. I'll never forget in January almost a year after I had left the IC, I was reading the Bible and was in Numbers 5. This chapter has always bothered me. It seems so unfair...and I got angry. I held my Bible up and said, "God, do you see this? This sucks! It's ugly. It doesn't sound like you. Explain this to me." His response sent me in a direction I <i>never</i> expected to go...especially at his leading. He simply said, "Relax. It wasn't written to you." It was at this point I began to quit reading the Bible for a time. At the time, I wasn't sure I ever would again.<br />
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Now, you need to understand. Before I left the IC, I read at least 8 chapters a day - every day. I <b><i>studied</i></b> the Bible. I wrote papers, led Bible studies, made charts and timelines and....and I don't regret that I did that. It is good to know the Bible.....*grinning* But is also good to know when it's time to lay it down and let God talk to you directly....<br />
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I was desperate for TRUTH. And I began to learn that although facing the truth about church, family, yourself, can feel like it's going to annihilate you - it won't (almost, maybe, but...) - it really will set you free. And over the last few years, as I have grown away from that initial system shock, I have been taught by God some incredible, religion defying truths. Then, after he wrote those truths on my heart, he took me back into the Bible and began showing me, with the fresh eyes of freedom, that this truth was actually written in its pages...but as long as the religious filter of my childhood was over it, I would never have seen it.<br />
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Truly, it is amazing to me - he loves me enough to break those chains of bondage that were slowly but surely killing me and set me into a larger place - a freer place - a truer place. And I also recognize (and can now live comfortably with the idea) that I do not have the whole picture. There is far more to God and his plan than I will ever be able to comprehend. For a while, after I began to come out of the shock, I was afraid to write much because I knew that in 6 months - a year...I would probably see it better than I do now and be embarrassed at what I wrote. I am a little embarrassed at some of the things I wrote while in the IC. I actually did a 53 page 'study' on Paul's letter to the Romans. Yikes! I am just about ready - after more than 8 years - to take a look at it and see what I did....could be painful, but there might be a little gold scattered.<br />
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So...back to the topic being hotly debated at Jeremy's blog....I think that one of the biggest problems with the IC is that attitude of having a corner on the truth. But they don't. Most have some truth...and a lot of man's ideas. The insistence to the contrary, of necessity, creates an 'us vs. them' mentality. And they don't see that as a problem. In fact, one of the commenters actually said it was was necessary - desirable. The concept put forth was essentially: preach the Law at 'them' until they repent. Then let them in the fence....one actually said that if the Law was not preached, then no one would know they needed to repent and so, without the Law, there could be no real salvation. He demanded to know if I was suggesting that I came to salvation without having the Law teach me I needed it. Sigh. So I will say here, on my own blog, what I chose not to get into on someone else's blog....<br />
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As I have recounted often in my posts, I cannot remember when Jesus was <i>not</i> a part of my life. I don't have a 'conversion date'. I have found that I am not the only one. I can tell you places along the way where I have made conscious decisions to reaffirm my love and need and desire for Him. I have moved closer to him - He draws me in. His love is overwhelming and, for one who grew up in the abusive way I did, it is often perplexing. But it doesn't stop. So the answer to the question is: no, I did not have (or need) the Law preached at me to know I needed to turn from 'my way' to 'his way'. In fact, it was the preaching of the Law to me that very nearly destroyed my relationship with him. And I know many will not be able to accept this as valid....<br />
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Hmm...one of the passages that was thrown accusingly at me was from Matthew 7 - the one that says there will be those who brag about the wonderful things they did in Jesus' name and he tells them to leave because he never knew them. This is a very familiar passage. He has shown me things from it - it is interesting the wording. He doesn't say they are rejected because they didn't know <i>him</i>....it was because he didn't know <i>them</i>. What he's taught me about this is...a big part of being set free by the truth involves me being honest with him. It involves being naked, bare, nothing hidden before him. It involves not trying to pretend something isn't there - not trying to pretend I believe something I don't. Honest communication with him, sharing everything - joy and sorrows, pains, hurts, fears, doubts, hopes, dreams, everything like he was my best friend - because he is. Brutal honestly. Letting go of the fear of getting it wrong and just being open in his presence.<br />
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Knowing about him - even knowing him to some degree that allows working of miracles in his name is not the point. The point is to look inward and know ourselves - let him fully in to know even the bits we can't bear to look at. He is gentle - so gentle. He washes us from the pain of honesty. This is cleansing, freeing pain - like when a wound is cleansed or a broken bone is set. But without that honesty, there really is no relationship. And after all, the relationship is the whole point.<br />
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Have I got this all figured out? No. There is still a lot within my own heart I haven't looked at...I am really only able to with his help. And he takes me at the pace I can handle. And I can't even honestly say I always want to be honest. It <i>does</i> hurt. But...I talk to him about it. I want to want to....and he smiles and says that is enough for him to work with.....Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-19137613818530175292011-11-02T01:09:00.017-06:002011-11-04T23:25:13.237-06:00Where Is Your Heart?<div style="color: #f9cb9c;"><div style="color: #cccccc;"><i>This post is part of the <a href="http://synchroblog.wordpress.com/2011/10/25/november-synchroblog-calling-us-out-of-numbness/">November synchroblog</a>.</i></div><br />
<i> </i></div>Hmm...haven't posted for a long time, but I am still here....<br />
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As the title & header of my blog may suggest, I have a prophetic bent, so this month's topic definitely grabbed me. The past few months have been full of a lot of challenges - from having to go to church food banks to get through tight places (and that is a horror story unto itself) to becoming involved with a small fellowship of believers burned out on religion but passionate about the felt presence of God.<br />
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For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, you know these last 4 years have been full of doubt, pain, healing, frustration, and a passion for finding truth. I think these elements will be with me for a long time to come - I think they are, perhaps, just part of life on this planet - at least mine. So....<br />
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Hmm....as I have become involved with this little fellowship, I have been challenged to remember that just as I have tendrils of religious bs still clinging to me in places, so does everyone else who has fled the IC. We probably will always have bits and pieces that trail along - like that annoying bit of toilet paper that gets stuck to our shoe but we don't see...but everyone else does. I am learning to make allowances for that in others and in myself....<br />
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I have also been challenged to return to the core of my relationship with Jesus. It is a relationship that goes back as far as I can remember (probably even farther). It is so easy to get to a place where you don't want to offend people by talking about Jesus. But if he is my best friend, someone who has been there for me through every hurt and every victory....<br />
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To give perspective, I think about my dear friend that got thrown out of church because she wouldn't lie about what the pastor did to her. I left with her, have stuck with her. She is an awesome friend. And I don't care what people think about me because of my friendship with her. I have been mocked, pitied, condemned, and who knows what else. But it doesn't matter. I know the truth and I am honored to be her friend. And the friendship I have with her is worth every bit of it.... <br />
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So....if I am willing to take abuse and slander and ridicule for being her friend, why should it be any different with Jesus? The relationship I have with him is more valuable than anything anyone might choose to say or think or do. Truly, I would rather die than live without him in my life. That may seem dramatic, but it is absolute truth. I have never known what it is like to be without him right there, constant, strong, a presence that does not fade. A friend. And honestly, I hope I never do. So I have been challenged to return to that faithfulness to the friendship - a faithfulness that any true friendship deserves. <br />
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I have also been challenged, through involvement with this little fellowship, to not let go of the hard won freedoms I have gained in the years since I left the IC. I have become acutely aware of how much condemnation was a part of my daily life. Instilled through abuse from family, from the IC, from twisted doctrine and legalism, from rigid demands of conformity to a specific interpretation of what being a Christian must be. Just last week, I was startled at how easily I fell back into the pressure to 'conform' to old standards of religious correctness - triggered by the religious phrases still used by some in this fellowship (though I also have seen that was not their intent). But as my friend reminded me, I only fell into it for a couple of days before i smelled the bs and dropped it. It has served to remind me that my freedom is mine to keep or relinquish, but it takes a willingness to offend in order to keep it. One of the things Jesus told me very clearly in the last few weeks is that I need to let go of the fear of men (gender neutral). Truly, no matter what someone else may think about it, no one - and I mean NO ONE - has the ability or authority to, in ANY way, affect my standing or relationship with Jesus. Period. That relationship is personal and one on one. To really, finally start to understand that really no one can do that.... is a whole new level of freedom for me. I'm not sure I have words to convey the freedom - the power - this simple truth has for me. I am recognizing that choosing to pursue Jesus outside of the religious boundaries of the IC is beautiful, freeing, scary, challenging... The religious doctrines of the IC offer security - do what we say, how we say, and we guarantee your place in eternity. Breaking away from that is not as easy as I would like. But really, it is an illusory security. That is one of the most damnable aspects of the IC, to me - that false sense of security. I think, for me, the pursuit of truth demands risking that alluring promise of security for a far more real and beautiful place... I have told God I want truth, even if it annihilates me. And I think that is actually a far safer position than the one religion offers.<br />
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I am also realizing, through my involvement with this fellowship, that there are still wounds that are sore. My healing is not complete. But it probably won't be this side of death. I am seeing that all of us in this group are wounded in various different ways. We are all being challenged to give each other the space to heal with dignity. And learning to trust is slow, but I am seeing glimmers of hope in this. For the first time in my life, my voice matters to the others in the group. That is, oddly, a bit confusing - overwhelming, even. But it is also healing - new friendships being formed with trust reaching out cautiously, hopefully.<br />
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What is the result? I am finally starting to make steps in the direction of actually walking out the visions I have seen. It is exciting and a little scary. But really, there is no other thing to do. I cannot go backward without giving up my integrity - to go back would be to lie about what I have seen and experienced. <br />
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On the practical level, the challenges continue. I have been on unemployment for 13 months - so many job applications - so few interviews..... and things are getting pretty tight. But above all, I am learning that the fundamental element of faith is to simply keep moving and not give up.<br />
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<div style="color: #ea9999;"><i>Other synchroblog participants...<br />
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Joy Wilson at Solacetree: <a href="http://joyleewilson.org/wordpress/the-blessing-of-losing-your-faith">The Blessing Of Losing Your Faith</a><br />
Jeremy Myers at Till He Comes: <a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/i-have-a-dream/">I Have A Dream</a><br />
Glenn Hager at Breathe: <a href="http://glennhager1.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/uncomfortably-numb/">Uncomfortably Numb</a><br />
Linda at Kingdom Grace: <a href="http://kingdomgrace.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/on-earth-as-it-is-in-heaven/">On Earth As It Is In Heaven</a><span id="goog_37062379"></span><span id="goog_37062380"></span><br />
Sally at Eternal Echoes: <a href="http://sallysjourney.typepad.com/sallys_journey/2011/11/where-are-the-true-prophets.html">Where Are The True Prophets?</a><br />
Tammy Carter at Blessing the Beloved: <a href="http://blessingthebeloved.blogspot.com/2011/11/no-compromise.html">No Compromise</a><br />
Alan Knox at The Assembling of Church: <a href="http://www.alanknox.net/2011/11/my-word-of-prophecy-stop-listening-to-prophetic-voices/">My Word of Prophecy: Quit Listening to Prophetic Voices</a><br />
Liz at Grace Rules: <a href="http://gracerules.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/listen/">Listen</a><br />
Christine Sine at Godspace: <a href="http://godspace.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/surrounded-by-prophetic-voices-clouds-of-witnesses-that-call-us-out-of-numbness/">Surrounded by Prophetic Voices - Clouds of Witnesses that Call Us Out of Numbness</a><br />
Amy Martin: <a href="http://amydmartin.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/the-window-of-suffering-the-beginning-of-hope/">The Window of Suffering, the Beginning of Hope</a><br />
Kathy Escobar at The Carnival in My Head: <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2011/11/01/rising-up-from-below/">Rising Up From Below</a><br />
K. W. Leslie at More Christ: <a href="http://morechrist.blogspot.com/2011/11/synchroblog.html">What Is God Challenging You To Do?</a></i><br />
<i>Steve Hayes at Khanya: <a href="http://khanya.wordpress.com/2011/11/02/murder-of-the-cathedral/">Murder of the Cathedral </a></i><br />
<i>Leah Chang at Desert Spirit's Fire: <a href="http://desertspiritsfire.blogspot.com/2011/11/wall-street-our-street.html">Wall Street, Our Street</a></i><br />
<i>Bobby Aunder at Deconstructing Neverland: <a href="http://bobbyauner.blogspot.com/2011/11/shift.html">Shift</a></i><br />
<i>Minnow at Minnowspeaks: <a href="http://minnowspeaks.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/day-of-dialogue/">Day of Dialogue </a> </i></div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-9496962646975916662011-03-05T16:03:00.015-07:002011-03-10T21:34:29.820-07:00What is WIlderness?Hmm... this is an interesting topic for me. I'm not sure where to begin. I know that most people in Christian circles think of this as those times when God seems distant and we have to press on without 'feeling' His presence. I had initially thought I would just talk along those lines in connection with the last four years away from church, but as I begin to write, I realize that this is a much broader topic for me. And I find I want to go back even further.<br />
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I guess for me right now, wilderness feels like exile - separation - aloneness. And that began when I was very young. As anyone who has read my blog knows, I have spent the last few years digging into my past so I can unearth the roots of the things that have so plagued and bound me. And for the last while, I have been camped on unraveling the mystery of what happened when I was 2 years old. Hmm...I recognize that this is where that feeling of being outside started. The basics that I have come to at this point are that a 17 year-old shirt-tail cousin by marriage that we lived next to molested me and his mother caught him in the act and my mother punished me and swore me to secrecy - haven't been able to remember the words she used - but I am beginning to see the effect they had. I have heard the phrase "Don't you EVER do that again. That is BAD!" And I believe she whipped me with a belt, which was a fairly standard form of punishment.<br />
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To understand what this has to do with being in a wilderness place, I need to explain that prior to this incident (at approximately 29 months old), I already knew Jesus. He was a part of my life and I loved Him very much. What happened and my mother's response to it, and consequent teaching in the church concerning sex, placed me in an exile that no one but me ever knew about. Subsequent sexual abuse from others between the ages of 7 and 12 (and again when I was 27), placed me in a state of perpetual exile - wilderness - from which I could not seem to escape. <br />
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Throughout my life, there have been attempts to 'fit in' and conform to what I was taught. And I would feel okay for a time, but the aloneness never went away. I never fit. I didn't know how. I understand from this vantage point that God was always with me. But through those years.... I remember at 7 years old going to the altar after service on Sunday nights and just breaking down and sobbing, begging God to please, please, <i>please</i> make me okay. But the exile continued. Through years of walking away from religion and thinking that meant I was not right with God, through years submersed in the cult called a church I became a leader in, the exile remained no matter how devoted I tried to be. I would sometimes, after church, just sit in my car and cry because I felt so alone and 'outside' and unaccepted. During this time, I was a church leader, lead a Bible study...tried SO fucking hard to get it right.<br />
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And throughout my life, I have heard His voice. I have prayed - we have talked. I don't want it to sound like He never talked to me or I never knew His presence at all. If that was the case, I suspect by now I would be crazy or dead. But even with His talking to me and being there for me, there was still a barrier - I was still outside looking in....<br />
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And then the last four years, having walked away from that church/cult and beginning to recognize that religion is mostly just man-made bs. And walking away from what I had poured myself into because I discovered the 'pastor' was a sexual predator that used and discarded certain women in the church and then the church covered his ass and shoved the women aside with no care as to what happened to them. With this walking away has come a new form of exile and shunning.... but it is familiar.<br />
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However, something new has happened these past few years that is different. God gently led me into therapy. And I have begun to tell my story. And I have learned that the exile was not from God. My wilderness was created as a defense against the pain of my life. This a huge discovery. Hmm... a few years ago, when I was in morning prayer with other leaders at the church I was at, we were praying for a little girl in the hospital and I saw Jesus. I won't go into details here, but the relevant thing to this discussion is that I felt immense power flowing out of Him - an energy that was more powerful than anything I had ever sensed - and then realizing that that energy was His love. I was thinking about this a few days ago and Jesus told me that he was not then nor has He ever been withholding His love from me. There is a barrier preventing it from reaching me. And I finally think I understand. That barrier was placed there at 2 1/2 years old (and subsequently built up) to protect myself from the terrible pain of the events of my life. The thing about emotional barriers is that they do not discriminate. They block the receipt of all emotions, not just the 'bad' ones.<br />
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And I am excited and scared, because I know I am getting very close to the place of deconstructing that wall. Excited because I will finally be able to receive love....scared because I don't know what to expect - I am not sure I can handle it, because I know that it will also mean feeling the pain that has been blocked, as well. <br />
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So to me right now, wilderness = exile and I realize I have spent nearly 46 years in a wilderness, an exile, from receiving love - even understanding it. A dear friend has helped me walk through this (you know who you are - THANK YOU!), continuing to give love, even when it is not received, understanding why. And I know she will continue to.<br />
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<i>This is part of a <a href="http://synchroblog.wordpress.com/">syncroblog</a>: During the season of Lent we are reminded that all of us experience wilderness times in our lives – times of searching, of mourning, of anticipating, of waiting, of watching, of unknowing, of struggling, of preparation. Join us during the season of Lent for this month’s synchroblog as we reflect and share insights and thoughts about “Experiences In The Wilderness”.<br />
<br />
Others participating in synchroblog: <br />
Patrick Oden - Musings <a href="http://dualravens.com/ravens/2011/03/musings/">Part One</a>, <a href="http://dualravens.com/ravens/2011/03/musings-part-two/">Part Two</a>, <a href="http://dualravens.com/ravens/2011/03/more-musings/">Part Three</a> and <a href="http://dualravens.com/ravens/2011/03/musings-part-four/">Part Four</a><br />
Wendy McCaig - <a href="http://wendymccaig.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/a-voice-calling-in-the-wilderness-march-synchroblog/">A Voice Calling In The Wilderness</a><br />
Emma Nadine - <a href="http://lifebylist.blogspot.com/2011/03/life-in-wilderness.html">Life In The Wilderness</a><br />
Tammy Carter - <a href="http://blessingthebeloved.blogspot.com/2011/03/put-down-axe.html">Put Down The Axe</a><br />
Jeremy Myers - <a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/blog/the-gaping-chasm-of-suicide/">The Gaping Chasm Of Suicide</a><br />
Kathy Escobar - <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2011/03/08/belonging/">Belonging</a><br />
Steve Hayes - <a href="http://methodius.blogspot.com/2011/03/anatomy-of-exile.html">Anatomy Of Exile</a><br />
Marta Layton - <a href="http://fidesquaerens.livejournal.com/10062.html">On Sabbaths, Mountain Tops...And Brothers' Keepers</a><br />
Liz Dyer - <a href="http://gracerules.wordpress.com/2011/03/09/beauty-in-the-wilderness/">Beauty In The Wilderness</a><br />
Christen Hansel - <a href="http://christenhansel.wordpress.com/2011/03/09/snapshots-of-the-desert/">Snapshots Of The Desert</a><br />
</i>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-72428876039400332662011-02-11T21:54:00.005-07:002011-02-11T22:36:07.186-07:00Tragedy....Hmm.... this may be a difficult post. I've read two things tonight and both have moved me deeply. Hmm... and oddly, the topics are very closely connected although the sources have no connection at all.<br /><br />This first is the 2nd piece in a series that Kathy Escobar is doing on the beautitudes called <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2011/02/11/blessed-are-those-who-mourn/">blessed are those who mourn</a>.<br /><br />This second is a 4,000 word <a href="http://pastebin.com/xjbFQJHx">suicide letter</a> written by Bill Zeller telling (for the first time) about being raped as a child and how that affected him.<br /><br />They both made me cry. At first, I thought it was for different reasons, but really, they are the same seen from a little different angle.<br /><br />They are both about the pain of abuse and our need to examine that pain and let it out. In reading Kathy's post, I was reminded of the point I reached, 4 years ago, when I finally started giving a voice to the memories, the images, and they started to form a pattern... and I <i><b>told</b></i> someone, for the first time, what was actually done to me. It was like poison being drawn out. I am in debt to the friend who was willing to listen - who understood what was going on.... and for the next two days, I laid on her couch and cried...and slept....and cried.... and she let me. And that was the beginning of letting that incredible pain out.<br /><br />And then I read Mr. Zeller's suicide note. And as I type this, I am crying. The words he wrote are very familiar. <i>Very</i>. And my heart breaks because he didn't find someone to tell.... and I went back 23 years ago when I tried to take my life. And I thought some of the same things. I really believed that people might feel a little bad for a couple of weeks and then get over it and be better off.... And I took a bottle of Darvon.... and told God I was sorry as I started to fade.... and woke up 24 hours later.... and I know that God had intervened. And, at the time, I was disappointed. Now, I'm not. I am glad I am still here. But then.... <br /><br />I think of Mr. Zeller and what he went through and I wish like hell I would have had a chance to talk to him - eye to eye - and tell him there is a way to get that fucking darkness out of the driver's seat. There is only one way. Shine the freakin' light of day on it and <B>TALK ABOUT IT</b>. It is the most difficult barrier I have ever broken through - when i went to my first counseling session after I had started to really remember details, my hands shook as I filled out the form. When I called a local hot-line to get numbers of counselors, I took the cordless phone and hid in my bedroom, scrunched up on the bed and could not speak above a whisper. I was scared. But I had had a taste of what it was like for the pain to bleed out and that gave me strength - motivation. And I had someone who cared - and who needed me. I had a reason to try. I had gotten a glimpse of an idea that maybe I wasn't just fundamentally bad....<br /><br />It's funny. I was just talking to that friend this week about new details that have surfaced - I had come to the realization that at the age of three years old, I was faced with this dilemma.... at 2, I had been molested and told to forget it, never tell, big trouble.....and at 3, I saw a Billy Graham movie about teenage sex with a message of - at least the one that yelled at me was - REPENT! And at 3, how do you repent for something when you can't talk about it? I know, I know, I didn't do anything wrong - but that 3 year old didn't know that. And man, has that dilemma messed with me my whole life.... and I want to take that little girl and hold her and tell her she is not bad and that I am so sorry that happened.... And as I read Mr. Zeller's letter, I wished I could have done the same for him. Just held him and told him he was not bad. Hold on and talk about it and it will almost annihilate you - almost. But then, it will start to get better and the darkness will abate and lose it's power and the dark days will start to be outnumbered by the good days.... just don't give up.<br /><br />But I also understand the soul weariness that says, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." Bill Zeller, may God gather you in his arms and give you the true comfort and peace you deserve.Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-16230949351155903912011-01-27T18:16:00.008-07:002011-01-28T15:29:55.054-07:00Don't Give Up & Other Random Thoughts.....Hmm.... what a roller-coaster ride life can be.<br /><br />I have been desiring for some time, to have clarity about the events that happened when I was 2. Last fall, I got a 'gut feeling' concerning the gist of it and touched on that in my post from October. But last night, while having an imaginary argument with my mom....<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Me: Don't you understand how what you said to me - what you did affected my whole perception of God - made me feel like it was all my fault?<br /><br />Mom: Well, it was your fault...<br /><br />Me: What do you mean it was my fault? I was 2 freakin' years old! How was it my fault? I just toddled in on him while he was jacking off...</span><br /><br /><br />Then my brain shut down and I felt like I had been kicked. But the image of that moment was there as those words tumbled out and it is still with me. And I feel a little sick. I know there is more... but I have hope now that I will reach a place of clarity and resolve with this, even if I never actually talk to my mother again.<br /><br />And then I wake up this morning to a debt collector calling.... and my car is in serious need of help.... and I still don't have a job... and unemployment benefits run out in about 10 weeks.....<br /><br />And it is all very heavy. And yet, even writing about it, a little peace is seeping in. But the old familiar pain - the pain I haven't felt this intensely for a long time - is back, like a weight on my chest - ebbing and surging in waves.<br /><br />Hmm... and through this, a steady conversation with God. And learning to relax in his peace and quit trying to "DO" something. Hmm... and that makes me think about how I have gotten to where I am with Him. It is definitely still a work in progress, but I realize that the past few years have not been about me trying to redefine who God is (Kripes, THAT is a tall and futile order). It has been about learning to let Him define Himself to me - not destroying what I thought I knew and building something else... It has been more a precess of peeling away the layers of definition piled on by Religion, family, society and getting back to what I knew as a very small child - getting back to WHO I knew as that small child.<br /><br />And that has been a journey that requires willingness to look at my own history with honesty that alienates family and even friends (or so-called). It requires wanting to know what my mother said to me when I was 2 that twisted up that knowledge.<br /><br />And I still struggle with GUILT, and FEAR and SHAME and all the usual suspects. After the phone call this morning, I had to fight through shear panic just to get showered and dressed and OUT OF THE HOUSE. Got some oil for my car and off to Starbucks to get online and look for a job and check in on friends and write....<br /><br />And the only thing I am really sure of at this point is that, on a deep knowing level, God is real and the things I need will be on that path when I need them... and the only thing that is required of me is that I don't give up, don't quit - and to be clear, not quitting isn't about beliefs or religion - it is about living. Don't give up on moving down the path....Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-60283971179871807402011-01-22T23:50:00.005-07:002011-01-23T16:56:17.107-07:00On Religion and Stuff...Hmm... some of you may have noticed that I made a slight change to the banner - the subtitle. I think it more accurately reflects what my blog has evolved into.<br /><br />Hmm.... I've been thinking a lot lately about religion and what it represents to me. It has been a process of 4+ years - letting go of religion. It started with letting go of the particular teaching I was getting at the cult (church) I was a leader in. But over time, I have let go of more and more of religion itself.<br /><br />I guess I need to define what religion is to me. Well, first, maybe what it used to be. It used to be "the right way to be in God's favor." Really, although I didn't recognize this at the time, religion (what the church I grew up in and even more what my Mother said about God) and God were interchangeable. It took me a long time to realize that God and religion were two totally different things. When I began to see it, I was both relived and angry. Hmm.... angry at the deception and manipulation - relieved that God was not that.<br /><br />Now, I see religion as a construct by and for men with the purpose of controlling men and of trying to define and control God and how He is viewed. And I also recognize that that is a bit of a simplistic and generalized statement. I realize that religion can serve a valuable purpose if it is kept in it's proper perspective and not worshiped as the beginning and end all of who and what God is. God is in religion. But He does not confine Himself to that.<br /><br />It is interesting to me as I dismantle the religious beliefs I have held, to realize how nonreligious God is even in the Old Testament. An area that has been a mental camping spot lately is Job. The way religion interprets and defines what the Book of Job is all about really misses some points. We all try to find what it was that Job did that 'brought this suffering on him' so we might learn and avoid it - show me what not to do.... but, um, the text says that in everything Job said (including all the complaining) Job did not sin.... (I don't think sin is even the point). Even now, I am tempted to try and come up with an impressive reason why Job went through what he did. But in the end, I don't think that question is answered in the text. In the end, God showed up in person to answer Job's demands for an answer. And God challenged Job to understand who God was and in doing so caused Job to see more clearly that what was going on was not about crime and punishment....hmm....<br /><br />And then there are Job's friends. There were actually 4 of them. Three older and a younger. They all came and sat with Job in silence for 7 days. Wow, that's is actually pretty amazing. I don't know many who would do that.... But then the 3 older ones took it in turns trying to get Job to admit that the reason he was in the mess he was in was because of some sin that he was hiding and not admitting to because God did not punish people without cause. Again, assuming it was about crime and punishment.... Job stood his ground that there was nothing he was hiding from them. Then the youngest one spoke and called the others out (including Job) for trying to speak as though they understood who God was.<br /><br />And after God talked to Job, he turned His attention to the friends. He didn't say anything to or about the youngest one. But the 3 older ones... He told them they had lied on Him, misrepresented Him, disrespected Job... and they needed to ask Job to forgive them if they wanted to be forgiven. Hmmm.... interesting that He put that ball in Job's court. And I see Job's three friends as religious pillars who insist that their interpretation of God must be the correct one and if your life doesn't fit that, then YOU are the problem. Religion and those who are steeped in it haven't changed much.<br /><br />Something else I see here.... for those that insist that every verse of the Bible is the "Word of God".... well, according to the text of Job, what those three friends said was NOT the Word of God and was, in fact, contrary to the truth about God. That being said, should we take the words those three friends said and put them forward as truth? Just some things I've been pondering....Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-2092618551893811932011-01-11T21:33:00.018-07:002011-03-07T17:11:27.201-07:00Who Is God?Hmm.... I've never participated in a synchroblog before, but this topic grabbed me. I've been on an interesting journey out of religion these last four years. It's funny how personal lives and religious beliefs are all intertwined and it requires untangling both to make sense of either.<br /><br />I grew up in a Pentecostal home/church - a 'good Christian' home. Appearances, appearances. An emotionally, physically and sexually abusive home where it was an 'Event' if we missed a church service. Church doctrine was the Law (unless my mom disagreed with it, then HER opinion was the voice of God and trumped theirs in our home). Between the abuse and the church teachings, I was so afraid of God that... well, I really haven't found words yet to express the fear and even terror I felt when I was 7 or 8 or 9....<br /><br />And this was all what people told me about God - who He was and how He thought and what He expected.... and it scared the hell out of me because I knew I was already disqualified by virtue of the things I had already done (translation: the things that had already been done to me).<br /><br />And if this was all I had of God, I would not have survived. I'm smiling as I write this. The God I know is so much different than the one they teach us about in church. And He introduced Himself to me when I was very little - too little to even speak. Deep in my bones, I knew Him, even if I didn't understand what that was yet. When I was 1 and 2 years old, I loved Jesus....and He loved me back. And then life proceeded down a hellish path. I've struggled with the fact that He allowed this and where I have come to on this is a whole other post. But through the journey that my life has been - through every evil encounter and choices made out of pain and despair, He has never NOT been there. There were times that I couldn't conceive of Him being there, but I can see, now, that He was always there.<br /><br />Something else that I see, now, is that the main thing that clouded my vision of His presence in my life was not the abuse that I endured in my family.... it was the teaching I received in the church. And through the process of disentangling from the familial abuse, I also have had to disentangle from the religious abuse. I have had to take everything I have been taught about God and throw it in a pile and sort through it and begin throwing away those things that do not fit with the knowledge of Him deep inside. Everything I thought I knew was reduced to a pile of rubble and ash. And that was a good thing - a VERY good thing. Because what I was left with was the necessity of examining what I really believe - and why.<br /><br />And that brings me to the subject of the synchroblog. I don't believe that Jesus is real and alive and ever present because the church says so. In fact, I went to a 'women's meeting' with a friend a couple of days ago and got good and angry at some of the things that were being taught - things I used to believe because the 'people in charge' said so. And I was not confrontational. I was just able to listen to the teaching and hear what I heard growing up and say, emphatically, to my own heart, 'no! that is not what is true.'<br /><br />The reason I believe that Jesus is alive and God is real and active is because of the ways He shows Himself in the details of my life - in unexpected and beautiful ways. He really is the father to me that I never had. And it is not just the way things always seem to work out (often at the last minute and in ways that defy logic) - it is also because I have seen Him. And that survives all doctrine and deconstruction of doctrine. It is where life is. It is where things are real and not theoretical. It has nothing to do with what any church teaches - many of them teach as if they have never met Him. It has to do with personal and close experience with the reality that is Him - a reality that is alive and ongoing with new epiphanies regularly. And nothing can take that away from me. And I think that is the point.<br /><br /> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~<br /><br /><i> This post is part of a <a href="http://synchroblog.wordpress.com/">synchroblog</a>: This month’s synchroblog’s theme is inspired by the season of Epiphany which begins on January 6 and ends the day before Ash Wednesday. The word “epiphany” is rich in meaning. Epiphany is derived from the Greek epiphaneia and means manifestation, shining forth, revelation or appearance. In a religious context, the term describes the appearance of an invisible divine being in a visible form. It can also indicate a sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. An “epiphany” might refer to those times in life when something becomes manifest, a deep realization, a sudden recognition that changes one’s view of themselves or their social condition and often sparks a reversal or change of heart. In the spirit of Epiphany we invite you to share stories, experiences and/or thoughts about “The Manifestation of God”<br /><br />Others participating in this synchroblog:<br /><br />Mike Victorino - <a href="http://stillanightowl.wordpress.com/2010/12/25/what-to-do/">What To Do?</a><br />Beth Patterson - <a href="http://www.findingground.com/2010/12/a-robust-universe-includes-the-botched-and-bungled/">A Robust Universe Includes the Botched and Bungled</a><br />Jeff Goins - <a href="http://jeffgoins.myadventures.org/?filename=manifestation-of-god">The Manifestations of God</a><br />Jeremy Myers - <a href="http://www.tillhecomes.org/blog/2011/01/10/pagan-prophecies-of-christ/">Pagan Prophecies of Christ</a><br />Mark Smith - <a href="http://marktime.org/?p=1295">Manifestations of God</a><br />Minnow - <a href="http://minnowspeaks.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/when-god-shows-up/">When God Shows Up</a><br />Alan Knox - <a href="http://www.alanknox.net/2011/01/a-day-i-saw-jesus/">A Day I Saw Jesus</a><br />Ellen Haroutunian - <a href="http://ellenharoutunian.com/2011/01/11/synchroblog-january-2011-stories-of-epiphany/">Stories of Epiphany</a><br />Liz Dyer - <a href="http://gracerules.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/god-breaking-through-moments/">God Breaking Through Moments</a><br />Kathy Escobar - <a href="http://kathyescobar.com/2011/01/11/orphans/">Orphans</a><br />Josh Morgan - <a href="http://jacobscafe.blogspot.com/2011/01/synchroblog-manifestation-of-god.html">The Manifestations Of God</a><br />Steve Hayes - <a href="http://khanya.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/theophany-the-manifestation-of-god/">Theophany: The Manifestation of God</a><br />Sarah Bessey - <a href="http://www.emergingmummy.com/2011/01/in-which-annie-opens-door-of-her-heart.html">In Which Annie Opens the Door of Her Heart</a><br />Christine Sine - <a href="http://godspace.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/eve-of-epiphany-we-have-come-we-have-seen-now-we-must-follow/">Eve of Epiphany - We Have Come, We Have Seen Now We Must Follow</a><br />Tammy Carter - <a href="http://blessingthebeloved.blogspot.com/2011/01/paralysis-in-his-presence.html">Paralysis In His Presence</a><br />Peter Walker - <a href="http://www.emergingchristian.com/2011/01/synchroblog-epiphany-outside-theophany.html">Epiphany Outside Theophany (Outside Christianity)</a><br />Annie Bullock - <a href="http://marginaltheology.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/god-with-us/">God With Us</a><br />Jacob Boelman - <a href="http://vision49.wordpress.com/2011/01/14/where-god-shows-up/">Where God Shows Up</a></i>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-33938509326820365952010-12-07T18:52:00.002-07:002010-12-07T18:58:38.994-07:00Update Redux...Since several of you have asked.... and thanks for asking.... :-)<br /><br />I have been collecting unemployment for about 7 weeks. I have applied for more than 50 jobs. I have been called in for an interview on 2. I did not get one, the other - I had the interview today. It went well and is promising, but I won't know if I got it until after the holidays. So.... thank God for unemployment benefits.<br /><br />Things are tight, but I am okay. Getting a little help from friends here and there. :-)<br /><br />Still working on a lot internally and have a lot I could post, but I still don't have internet access at home, so the time I have on a local coffee shop's free wifi is spent on job hunting....<br /><br />Thank you all for asking how I'm doing.Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-13069876624966321442010-10-20T18:40:00.002-06:002010-10-20T19:02:59.415-06:00Update....Wow. Time flies. Here it is 3 months since my last post.... and I'm sitting in Starbucks again using their free wifi....<br /><br />Well, I have been unemployed now for 3 1/2 weeks. Waiting for (hoping) unemployment to kick in - looking for a job... and finding myself emotionally back in the grinder again. Hmm... maybe while I was working, I didn't have the energy to think too much... haha.<br /><br />Seriously, the fears of inadequacy - of not being good enough, deserving enough - have surfaced again. And I feel like I have regressed 2 years, and yet I am not as bad as I was then (most of the time). But I realized I still fight the feeling, when I go in to interview for a job or apply for unemployment or register with the local jobs agency, that I have a fear of being in trouble - being told I did it wrong, and therefore not getting any help. And I recognize that goes back to when I was little and the parental tendency to tell me that when I messed up, it was my fault - no help. No comfort, just a lesson. Recognizing it helps some, but it is still tiring. And I am in the place right now where I have just paid November's rent and now have no money and am hoping unemployment kicks in this week....<br /><br />And, I am back to remembering things from childhood... when I was 2. And I recognize what happened and who did it and that my mother and his mother both knew and covered it up. And that my mom insured my silence by employing religious threats - by somehow making it about hurting God if I talked.... shit! I can't remember exact words or the complete thing, but there are enough fragments that I am mostly settled on the gist of it. And I don't know what to do with it. Part of me wants to look the young man (he was about 16 at the time) and his mother up - I know where she is - and just ask them what the hell happened. But that is a scary proposition.... so.... I will have to work up to that, I think.<br /><br />Back to the means my mom employed to keep my silence. Talk about a foundational religious twisting - I can't tell anyone or God will be mad at me because it will hurt the church... or something to that effect. And a 2 year old is supposed to be able to process that shit. I think the only thing that really stuck was that I had been bad and God was mad at me.... and that has stayed with me my whole life. <br /><br />It boggles my mind that these two women, knowing what had happened when I was about 2 1/2, would, when I was 3, have me participate in the defacing of pornographic pictures on the perpetrators bedroom wall. I just can't get my head around how they would think that was okay... in any way... even if nothing had happened....<br /><br />Ah, well. So , in the midst of this, my mom was taken to the hospital and in ICU for a few days. And there was no emotion for that. Only sadness at the lack of emotion, if that makes sense. I haven't talked to her in about 2 years. And I really have no desire to now. A friend suggested I talk to her about the things that happened when I was 2, but I don't think that would be productive. I think she would pretend not to know and try to convince me that I was mistaken, as she has with so many other things I have brought up. So, I will just keep processing - and job hunting - and trying not to panic... ;-)Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-61067134393002586092010-07-28T18:57:00.008-06:002010-07-29T11:05:29.897-06:00Hmm.... it's been a really long time. But... I'm still here.<br /><br />I finally got a new laptop. Now I just need to get internet at home (I'm sitting in Starbucks at the moment, taking advantage of their free wi-fi).<br /><br />Wow. What a wild winter - spring - into-summer it has been. Was told that I would really like the TV show "Saving Grace." So, being the "extremist" I can be... I got online and bought the whole series. Wow. At the end of the 1st season, I just laid on my couch and cried. There is so much in the main character that is familiar... including little revelations about God along the way.<br /><br />Hmm... on July 5th, I passed the 2 year mark since I have seen my mom. Again, wow. She sent me a note in the mail a couple of months ago. She has made me her MPOA (Medical Power of Attorney). My therapist was shocked, wondered at my mom's sanity... :-) I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I could use that power badly - I would not abuse that position. Anyway, at the end of it, she wrote 2 simple lines. But let me back up. When I opened my mailbox and saw the letter, before I ever picked it up and looked at it, I knew it was from her. When I sat down and started oepning it, my hands were shaking and I started to cry. This is how much she can still twist me up after 2 years of no contact. Anyway, back to the 2 lines...<br /><br />"I don't know why you have cut me out of your life, since you won't tell me. But I still love you and miss you."<br /><br />Hmm... these 2 sentences really twisted me up. Still do, a little. To those who don't know her - or only know her 'public' face, it may seem innocuous enough. But that first sentence is an accusation that fairly drips with annoyance and sarcasm. There have been no calls or notes asking how I was doing or if there was anything she could do. Just this. So... on it goes. I did not respond to her. Just spent a few days (weeks) twisting and doubting myself and my choices....oy.<br /><br />Well, today I was informed that I am being laid off and my last day is September 30th. I'm glad they gave me 60 days notice. Not as worried as the situation might suggest I should be. I have no savings or margin. But.... there is an expectant peace. As soon as I found out, I knew that the next step in this dance with God had arrived. Not sure what it's going to look like. I may move to California. (Hi, Tyler!) I may move to New York. I don't know. California is the highest likelihood from what I can see right now, but my vision is far from clear.<br /><br />Not sure how often I'll be able to post. I was hitching a ride on a neighbors unsecured wi-fi (shhh) until this afternoon. He got smart and secured it. So, Starbucks or a local restaurant to use their free wi-fi.<br /><br />Hmm... there has been so much I have learned these last few months, but I can't find the words right now. Maybe it's the setting. Ice clinking, blenders blending, jazz playing....Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-73215787448242740032010-02-08T14:07:00.002-07:002010-02-08T14:11:30.449-07:00Update on statusWell, here's where things stand: My computer is messed up. I need a new one. I was hoping to do that with my tax refund, but didn't get much of a refund this year. So....until I have the money to buy a new computer, I will only be on the internet when I can get on at a friend's house. I will still check in from time to time and maybe even post now and again, but if you do not see a response for a while, know it is just because I haven't been able to log on. :-)Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-44516245680285555722009-10-23T17:43:00.003-06:002009-10-25T15:02:13.294-06:00Not gone.....Just wanted to let all know that I am not gone. I just have limited access to the internet until I can figure out why my web browsers keep crashing every time I try to use them. (I use a Mac, by the way, and the browers are Firefox and Safari.)<br /><br />When I get this figured out, I will be back....but it has been 3 weeks and counting......Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-45506794512348966882009-07-05T15:59:00.009-06:002009-07-06T07:05:49.903-06:00You have no right....Hmmm..... this one has been brewing for a while. In essence, it is simply this foundational belief that I have no right to sympathy or comfort. Why? Because if someone hurts me, it is my own fault for being weak or stupid or niave...<br /><br />This concept has controlled a lot of my interactions in the past in ways I wasn't aware of. It has only been the last couple of months - through therapy both in a professional setting and with a friend - that I have even been able to pin it down enough to put it into wards. To many of you, it may sound patently ridiculous. But I have realized that this is a concept that was trained into me from the very beginning.<br /><br />I was talking to a friend about it a couple of months ago, right after it first came out in words in therapy. As I was talking, it was almost as if my mouth was saying things my conscious mind didn't know.... I said, "This concept that I don't have the right to feel pain and ask for help - sympathy - comfort - goes back to when I was 2 and my mother said...." And at that moment, my mind shut down like a steel door slamming shut and I realized that I had almost seen something I've been trying to get a handle on for a while - what, exactly, it was that happened when I was 2 1/2. My mind is not ready to let me see that, but what I did get was a sense that whatever it was, my mother was aware of it and told me to essentially get over it, it was not a big deal... it was somehow my fault.... And I can get no further with that at the moment.<br /><br />But as I have thought about it, there are other incidents. I remember when was 3 I found this stuffed gray cat lying somewhere. My mom let me keep it, but made sure I knew how gross it was to take a used toy you found laying around. She washed it.... And I named it Graytor. And I took him with me everywhere. It was almost like having a pet. :-) My mom has a picture of me sitting on the curb outside my aunt's house in Denver reading a Mad Magazine and the cat tucked under my arm - I was 3. Fast forward a couple of years. Still toting this cat around. And it is time for me to start school. I remember mom warning me to leave the cat at home. Warning that if I took it to school, I would lose it or it would get stolen. Warning me how horrible I would feel if that happened. But I never went anywhere without that cat. So, to school we went. And at recess, playing on the playground - there was this huge stump. It was the size of a table - at least to us little 5 year olds. And I left my cat lying on that stump at the end of recess. And even now, I can't explain how I forgot about it. But I didn't realize that I had left it on the playground until I got home and it wasn't there. I begged mom to take me back to the school. She told me that there was no way it was still going to be there, but she consented to take me so that I could be sure. And sure enough, it was gone. I was devastated. And I'm not sure what made me feel worse: the fact that it was gone or the fact that it was my own careless stupidity that caused it to be gone. And there was no sympathy or comfort. Only the stark fact that she had warned me and I should have listened.<br /><br />There are many little incidents.<br /><br />When I was 4, I gave my piggy bank to the neighbor boy in exchange for some toy (can't remember what). My mom was very up set. She made the boy give it back and told me I was naive and easily taken advantage of and needed to smarten up. I was 4! (I didn't get my piggy bank back - she kept it.)<br /><br />If I cried, I was spoiled. She used to say that when I would go and spend a few days with either of my grandparents, it would take her two weeks to "straighten me out" after they had "spoiled me."<br /><br />When I was in trouble, I was sent to my room (after being whipped with a belt) and told that I had to stay there and think about what I had done and not to come out until I was prepared to tell mommy I was sorry for hurting her. This started when I was 2 years old.<br /><br />In a letter that I came across a few months ago that she had written when I was about 5, she writes about me getting in trouble and that she gave me a whipping with a belt and sent me to my room. She then wrote that the person the letter was to should not worry as it didn't do any damage as I only shed a couple of small tears. Yeah. I learned early not to let them see me cry any more than I could help.<br /><br />When I was 8, my grandmother died and when my mom caught me crying in bed one night, she asked me what I was crying about. I told her I missed grandma. She frowned and told me to get over it.<br /><br />When I was 13, my favorite teacher accidentally killed himself. No sympthay. Why should I be upset, I didn't know him that well.....<br /><br />So many times, growing up, someone would hurt me - and my mom's response was always to tell me that I must have provoked them or I just needed to toughen up...<br /><br />Is it any wonder, when my cousin began sexually abusing me, that I didn't tell anyone? I still struggle with the concept that it was my fault for letting him do it...<br /><br />I still struggle with the idea that I do not deserve any sympathy or help because whatever the damage is - whatever the reason for the pain - it was my own fault and I should just buck up and move on and take my consequences like a good little girl.<br /><br />Hmm.... today marks one year since I have seen my mom. And the pain is still just as deep as it was then. And there is still some guilt at not seeing or talking to her. And yet, to go back to the place where she actively controls my life.....no.<br /><br />I guess there is still a lot of confusion and pain here. And that should probably not be a surprise.<br /><br />And you know....hmm.... forgiveness. That is an interesting topic for me - toward my mom, my dad... and toward my cousin, and all those others who sexually used me. I have thought about it and I really do not want any of them to go to hell. But I don't want to have to be around them, either. And I think that is one of the ways that the church is messed up in it's doctrine of forgive and forget. That is humanly impossible. And it is the height of stupid arrogance to tell someone who has been abused to forgive and forget - something they cannot possibly do (how do you forget?) and then tell them that unless they do, God will not forgive them and they will be in trouble with God. That is called a crazy making - telling someone they will be in trouble if they don't do what they cannot do.<br /><br />Anyway, I think I have begun to just ramble, so .....Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-40132986601833214652009-06-15T18:05:00.008-06:002009-06-16T21:36:53.354-06:00Just Get Over It...Hmm... this may be a tough one to write. It may come out angry and fair warning, if you have been abused, there may be triggers. It's something that has sort of been forming in me the last couple of days. This is directed at family.... church family... biological family... and all those who would tell a survivor of childhood sexual abuse to "just get over it." Do you comprehend what it is you are asking?<div><br /></div><div>Okay, I would ask you this. Would you go up to a war veteran who lost their legs in battle and tell them to "just get over it?" Would you tell a woman who has just had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer to "just get over it?" Would you go up to a father whose only son was murdered and tell him to "just get over it?" Some of you may, at this point, be getting a little uncomfortable or even annoyed - how dare I compare what I went through to that. Well, that is part of the point... how dare you make a judgment on what I went through without talking to me about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>In all of the examples above, there is no "getting over it." There is only learning to live with it - healing enough that you can continue to live. Get over it? How? It is the same with childhood sexual abuse. I think one of the biggest things people miss about this issue, including many victims, is that if you are a victim/survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you have lost something - something that can never be regained.</div><div><br /></div><div>What have we survivors lost?</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, for starters , our childhood innocence. This is something that, for me, went away when I was 2 years old. That childlike innocence that allows you to trust the people around you not to hurt you is ripped away. And once it is gone, it cannot be restored. I can never regain that place where I didn't know betrayal and confusion. And how do you even put into words what it is to have NOT had that as a child? And how the HELL do you "just get over" that? My childhood was warped - twisted - dark - frightening - desperate - and I can't "just get over it." I didn't get to be just a little kid. The wounds from it can heal (and I am working on that) and I can learn to live with the scars that will forever remain (and I am working on that, too). But it is something that will always be a part of who I am. I can't get rid of it (I tried!) and I can't "just get over it."</div><div><br /></div><div>What else have we lost? Well, our ability to trust - our ability to function normally. For me, it is pretty severe - more than I had ever allowed myself to see. Hmm... I am 46 years old and I have never had a boyfriend - never been on a date. And I am thinking about going to a chiropractor (a friend has recommended him and I have met him and I WANT to go). But I will need her to go with me because I am afraid. Even as I type this, tears are forming, because just thinking about letting this man - a DOCTOR, for crying out loud - touch me is causing mild panic - just from the thought of it, not the actual doing it. </div><div><br /></div><div>That is another thing. The panic - the fear. To feel - and walk through - the feelings of panic that rise up every time I go out the door. I have dealt with that for so long that I had gotten to the place where I thought it was normal and hardly noticed it anymore. But it is NOT normal to feel fear every time you leave your house. I have rarely let it stop me from going somewhere, but it is always there. To feel panic every time a man is nice to me is not normal. The ability to have a normal relationship is another thing that is lost. My friend and my therapist tell me I will be able to, eventually. We'll see....</div><div><br /></div><div>And then there is the pain - the anger - that you are not allowed to feel, not allowed to show - so you stuff it down deep. And your ability to see yourself as normal - as valuable - as not "damaged goods" or "tainted" or "spoiled" or "ruined." The church places such a strong emphasis on being a virgin. So did my family, for that matter (ha!). How is a 7 year old girl supposed to cope with that information - that demand - when that is something that has already been taken away from her?</div><div><br /></div><div>Part of the process of healing requires recognizing what was lost, where the damage is. It requires being allowed to acknowledge what was lost and being allowed to mourn that loss.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hmm.... I am reaching the limit of what I can process right now, so this will have to do. But those of you in churches - and families - please, please, do NOT tell someone who has been sexually abused as a child (or as an adult, for that matter) to "just get over it." It is, quite literally, like driving a dagger into their heart, emotionally. It adds to the damage....</div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-6702329729325298162009-05-02T23:44:00.005-06:002012-01-12T13:33:21.314-07:00Hey, I'm Still here....Hey all. Man, has it been a while since I posted anything. Life has been .... busy. There has been so much going on since I posted in January. I don't even know where to start. Bleah.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>I really want to start with tonight, I guess. A strange thing happened. Today was my day off. I had nothing planned except that I would clean my bathroom and do some laundry. Hmm.... The bathroom didn't get cleaned. I just couldn't get motivated. Then, around 11:00 PM, after watching a movie, I decided that although I could get by a couple more days without doing laundry, I was motivated to at least do that now. Okay. I got my dirty clothes together and grabbed the laundry soap and some quarters and to the laundry room I went. </div><div><br />
</div><div>The laundry room is right next to my apartment. It couldn't be closer without being <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">in</span> my apartment. The door to the laundry room was mostly shut. Unusual. Sometimes, when people do laundry early in the morning, they shut the door to muffle the sound so it won't bother anyone, but there was no washer or dryer running. Hmmm.... so I pushed the door open and turned the light on....</div><div><br />
</div><div>And there was someone sleeping under the clothes folding table. It's more of a bench, really. He was all tucked in with his head on his pack and his skateboard under his arm. And he looked like he was between 25 and 30. And he was very apologetic. He said he was sorry, but it was just so cold outside. Yeah, it's May, but we had a nasty storm come through today - raining and hail all day. It is chilly out. And it's the strangest thing. He said he would leave if I wanted him to. I thought about it for a second and told him no, I'd wait and do my laundry tomorrow. He said that I could go ahead and do it now, it wouldn't bother him. I said no, that's okay, and closed the door and went back to my apartment. </div><div><br />
</div><div>And then the logic kicked in and I asked myself what the hell I was doing. I should call the cops. There is a strange man sleeping in my laundry room not 15 feet from my door. But I am not afraid of him (mostly) and I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't feel inclined to do anything else for him. Just not turn him out (or in).</div><div><br />
</div><div>Hmm... and I think most of the people I know would think me foolish. I'm not so sure I'm not. But in the moment, there was no 'scary vibe' coming from him. I have experienced that and I can't explain. I just know that I could not chase him out tonight. As I closed the door on him, he said thank you, you're beautiful. Hmm.... He did not have the appearance of someone on drugs and he was not drunk. I don't know what his story is. But for some reason, I could not tell him to leave. It was not fear of him. It was compassion for him - I think. I don't know.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I know there are friends who will read this and wonder what the hell I'm doing. I don't know. I am sitting here typing this and he is sleeping on the floor in the laundry room not more than 25 feet from me. And my door is locked and I will probably sleep in my clothes tonight... and I'm not sure what to think. I have no desire for him to be thrown out and yet my mind wonders if I have the right to make that decision for the other 30 some tenants in this building. I don't know. The thought crossed my mind to call the cops, but I can't seem to justify that. I've been too close to being in that position myself, maybe, to want to do that to someone else...</div><div><br />
</div><div>So.... I will go to bed here in a little bit. And do my laundry in the morning.... I have asked Papa if he is safe or if I need to call the cops. No answer except that there is no fear or uneasiness....</div><div><br />
</div><div>Hmm... strange.....</div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-53824464285888091752009-01-28T19:56:00.010-07:002009-01-30T20:08:25.884-07:00Foundations...Hmm... I find myself tonight hurting yet again. Or really, still. It has not been gone for some time, just closer to the surface and less close - waves. I guess it has always been this way. At least, I don't remember when it wasn't. <div><br /></div><div>Hmm... my friend tells me that the foundation my life was built on was bad. That it is being demolished and rebuilt. I would agree... but... I am tired. And sad. And scared. </div><div><br /></div><div>And I don't have much interest in theological discussions right now. I'm sure that maybe that will come back at some point... or maybe the burning issue for me is one of the most foundational theological, philosophical and metaphysical issues that there is.</div><div><br /></div><div>Does God really love me? Hmm... the immediate answer to that question in my mind is two answers overlapping: "yes" and "I don't know." </div><div><br /></div><div>Okay, you all get to watch me process a little. Writing it out seems to help.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, the issue is more, I think, that I don't know what love is, or rather, what God loving me is supposed to look like. My previous post was an internal dialogue, a tape, that runs in my head often. Although it was amplified and reinforced by the church, the voices speaking are my parents - mostly (but not completely) my mom. I don't know how to tell if He loves me. I know that sounds stupid. But in my mind, punishment for not doing it right the first time, or making a mistake, or just (sometimes) having fun, is what I expect.</div><div><br /></div><div>Another phrase I hear in my head is, "You made this mess. You clean it up. And don't expect any help."</div><div><br /></div><div>Hmm... last week, I got a call from a collection agency. They are going to start taking a big chunk out of my checks starting next week unless I give them money I don't have by Friday. This is for an OLD defaulted student loan. That I owe. By myself. I made the mess. And I have not been able to clean it up in almost 20 years. And I don't even know if it is okay to ask Him for help. Tough love, right?</div><div><br /></div><div>My friend says that is what the Blood and the Grace are for - covering mistakes. But I expect angry when I ask for help. I expect a lecture followed by why help is not available. Hmm... I expect to be told I am doing it wrong and until I humble myself and admit that I am willful and stubborn and lazy and selfish, I will not receive help - and even then, I will have to pay the consequences of my actions.</div><div><br /></div><div>And part of me knows this is bullshit. But part of me doesn't. So I am conflicted and scared and don't know what love looks like from Papa. Not sure if He's got His hand out or a belt. And I sometimes feel like I just need someone - God - to tell me what to do so I can do it and be safe. Which is how I ended up in an abusive church. </div><div><br /></div><div>And I would like to know what to expect when I am told by someone that they love me. Because I don't. And that is a foundational issue. And it is not their fault. That is, it is not my friends' fault that I don't know what to expect.</div><div><br /></div><div>But with God... I have been told that even when a child is raped, God ordained it to bring good from it. I can't reconcile Love with that. Bluntly, if God ordained what happened to me as a child for some 'greater good,' I am not okay with that. Can I see where because of what happened, there are good things in my life now that would not have been there otherwise? Yes! Can I see where, because of what I went through, I was able to help someone else? Yes! And I am glad. It gave birth to a friendship like none I have ever had and saved someone very dear to me from becoming just another statistic. And these things are so worth it.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">BUT</span>... to say God planned it, or even said, "I'm going to let this happen so I can use it down the road." Hmm... that is like saying, "I'm going to let you be hurt so I can help someone else later." How does that work for the one being hurt?</div><div><br /></div><div>I am fine if it is like this: world broken, bad things happen because of fucked up people making fucked up choices. God takes mess and works good out of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>But the problem is, I don't know if it is like that or... Man fucked up. God uses man to work His own ends and prove His way is best. Some hurt in process. Collateral damage.</div><div><br /></div><div>If it is the latter....... </div><div><br /></div><div>And I don't know... and I have asked Him to show me. And I am sad and tired... and it comes in waves. </div><div><br /></div><div>And yet, on a level very deep, I know He is good. I have always known. I just don't know how to translate that into something my soul can take refuge in.... I don't know how to believe in love...</div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5729738823205484539.post-44059584804431524572009-01-23T23:10:00.006-07:002009-01-31T02:28:59.926-07:00Just Quit Being...<div><br /></div>I'm damaged.<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">No you're not.</span></span><br /></div><div>Yes, I'm damaged. It hurts.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Well, it's your own fault.</span></span><br /></div><div>What? <br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">It's your own fault. You damaged yourself.</span></span><br /></div><div>I damaged myself? <br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Yes.</span></span><br /></div><div>How...?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">By thinking about it and dwelling on it.</span></span><br /></div><div>Um, no... that's not what damaged me....<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Yes, it is.</span></span><br /></div><div>No. Someone else damaged me. I am not the one who put their your-know-what where it didn't belong.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Well (frowning).... but continuing to dwell on that is what damaged you.</span></span><br /></div><div>No!<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Well, fine. But now it's time to stop.</span></span><br /></div><div>Stop what?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Being damaged.</span></span><br /></div><div>Stop being damaged?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Yes. Fine, you were damaged. Now, stop.</span></span><br /></div><div>Stop? How do I stop?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">You just heal, then you stop being damaged.</span></span><br /></div><div>Just heal? How do I heal?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">By not thinking about it.</span></span><br /></div><div>Not thinking about it?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Yes. Stop thinking about it. Then you will heal and quit being damaged.</span></span><br /></div><div>I can't stop thinking about it.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">You don't want to stop thinking about it.</span></span><br /></div><div>Umm...?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">If you wanted to, you would just stop thinking about it. Then you would quit damaging yourself.</span></span><br /></div><div>Okay, but....<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Now....</span></span><br /></div><div>Um...I will quit thinking about it...<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Yes...</span></span><br /></div><div>I will quit being damaged...<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Good...</span></span><br /></div><div>I will quit being damaged....<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">About time, too</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">.</span><br /></div><div>I will quit being...<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">That's enough. Leave it alone, now.</span></span><br /></div><div>It still hurts.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Well.... you just aren't </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">trying</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);"> hard enough.</span></span><br /></div><div>How....?<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">You don't really want it.</span></span><br /></div><div>But...<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">You don't care how you make others feel.</span></span><br /></div><div>I'm sorry.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">You make your own problems.</span></span><br /></div><div>I'm sorry.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Don't expect others to help you fix your own stupid stuff.</span></span><br /></div><div>No, I'm sorry.<br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">Good...</span></span><br /></div><div>I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...<br /></div>Jeannette Alteshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06574051760314762024noreply@blogger.com14