Ashley Weis

Random Things I Love

2010-03-21T21:12:00.001-04:00

Throughout my childhood summers I absolutely loved the feeling of curling up under my blankets at night. The air conditioner would be on FULL blast (I'm sure my parents loved the energy I wasted to live in an igloo). My vision blurred the streetlights when I glanced out the window. Each light had a halo around it. And the best part of all ... the SMELL.

Chlorine. Someone really should make a chlorine-scented candle. I would buy hundreds of them. My parents owned a pool and I swam in it almost every night. Afterward I'd never take showers. No way. I wanted the chlorine to stay in my hair so I could smell it all night. I clean the house with bleach just to smell chlorine. And I want more white clothes so I can use bleach more often in the laundry.

I'm strange. I know. :)

I also love, love, love Michael Jackson, Tupac Shakur, and Kurt Cobain. If you know what they have in common than you'll understand a little more about my heart.

I love snowballs. These kind.

I love the way my husband's hair falls in his face. I love that he has long hair. I love that he is unique. He doesn't look, act, or think like most men I know.

I love musicians. There's some strange connection I have to people who love music or even more ... play music (even though I'm not that great). People who GET music, who feel it in their veins.

I love film. Love, love, loveeeee film. I wrote my first play when I was 4. My cousin and I performed it for my stuffed animals. All throughout childhood I'd sneak off with my dad's video camera and direct and act in the plays I wrote.

I love the behind-the-scenes part of film. In high school I'd watch movies with pen and paper in hand, taking notes about camera angles and awesome techniques. I desperately want to produce a film someday. :) You know, when I'm rich....

I love writing. I can't help but write. I guess that's why I have a blog where I write about silly things like this. I've had journals since I could write. Poetry, music lyrics, stories, plays -- you name it, I wrote it. Thanks to this blog I haven't written in my leather journal in tooooo long, but now that I'm thinking about it ... yeah. I need to do that more often. Writing is such a part of me. I don't think I could go through life without a pen or a keyboard. My thoughts would burn my brain cells if they couldn't make it to paper.

And that's all folks. At least for now.

My random post. My random moment of allowing my brain to empty and give life to my thoughts.

Words. I love them.

Is Your Life Hell?

2010-03-16T10:38:00.000-04:00

Our lives on earth should be a mild taste of Hell or something is wrong. Think about it. In Heaven we are going to be worshiping and loving God for eternity. Not just a few minutes out of our day. No. Eternity. That's a long time.

So, if we are longing for Heaven, well, then our lives on earth should be a taste of Hell. Because here on earth we are busy. We can worship God in everything we do, but it's not the same. We can't sit at His feet and listen for days without interruption. We have bills, kids, and jobs to take care of. We can't sing "holy, holy, holy" for days on end. We have things to do.

I don't know about you, but I long to worship God fully. No distractions. And that makes life on earth a little dose of hell, because I can't do that right now. I can worship Him in the small things, pray without interruption sometimes, but it's not the same.

Hell is eternal separation from God. If we don't want Him on earth, if life on earth isn't a little does of Hell ... what makes us think we even want Heaven? If we want romance, fun, parties, clothes, shoes, alcohol, drugs, sex, and lust in our lives more than we want Him in our lives ... well, what makes us think we want Heaven?

Heaven isn't just a security net for those of us who fear Hell. It's not a place we go when we're good people. It's not a make-believe haven for people who don't want to die. It's real. It's a real, eternal home where we worship our beautiful Lord without distraction.

I'm praying that I always see life on earth as a little dose of Hell and that I always yearn for Him, for home. I'm praying that nothing on this earth takes His place. That true Hell (eternal separation from God) is not something I want here on earth or when I pass from this earth.

I want to want Him with all of me. Now. And for eternity.

Inside the Heart of an Ex-Porn Producer

2010-03-15T15:27:00.000-04:00

I hate labels, but something about ex-porn producer grips my heart when I link it to Donny Pauling's name. There is a part of me that loves to link him with this label, because I am amazed by the heart this man has. If you would meet him in line at the grocery store you would never know he produced porn for nine years of his life. In fact, if you're anything like me, you'd need some sort of proof to believe it.

Donny is an ex-porn producer, yes, we've got that down. But he's so much more than that. Even during those nine years of producing pornography ... he was so much more than what he did. I think you can see that in the interview below. The first time he held his baby he was simultaneously producing porn behind his wife's back. But you will see in the below text ... he still had a heart.

As people who are hurt by porn in our marriages or lives we often like to play the victim. And by playing the victim ... we pin people like Donny as an enemy. But the real enemy is the devil. It may be hard to imagine, but Donny was a victim too.

One thing I love about his story is that God snatched him away from porn and turned his life around. If there is any hope for porn addicts, hurting wives, struggling porn stars, and other porn producers still trapped in porn ... it's in this man's story, in his heart. His story embodies hope to me. And it proves that the devil can tempt us, take us down dark roads, and make us think we are on top of the world ... but there is a way out. There is a light path -- a path filled with true love and joy and life.

Like Donny, we can overcome porn and make a difference in this world.

For this interview I didn't want to focus on his past. We all have a past. In fact, you have a chance right now to make the present moment different from your past. The past is over. We know what Donny did (and if you want to learn more you can visit his site), but I want to show you who Donny IS -- that he's not very different from you or me. In fact, he actually seems a lot sweeter than me. :)

So, here he is:

Read more by visiting the More than Desire blog

Oh, to be a fish...

2010-03-13T15:04:00.000-05:00

I think there is a reason fishermen has the word men in it. I'm not a vegetarian in the slightest, but I could never be the one to kill these poor little things. I'll leave that to the men. Maybe it's the writer in me, but I can't help put myself in the place of a fish flopping around on a dock. What would it be like to flop my way to suffocation? I can't even imagine...

And crabs? They are taken from their homes, carried away to an unknown land, then tossed in boiling water to claw at a pot until they die. Talk about tragic!

Chickens ... cows ... all of these animals are raised to be food. I can't imagine living my life to be cooked with some sauces and eaten. Then, left to the toilet after a human's momentary pleasure has moved on to the next meal.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel bad for these little fish and animals. Yet, I still eat them. And I really like to eat them. I just find it difficult to eat them without thinking of the way they died so I could eat them.

I don't really have a point with this post. Just a Saturday rambling while George finishes up some work. I'm so glad I'm not a fish. Or a crab. Or a chicken.

Being human has its benefits. :)

Thankful Thursday: Baby #3

2010-03-11T09:25:00.000-05:00

Today we are going to find out the gender of baby #3. I'll announce it later this evening. :) I love finding out the gender because it makes everything more real for me. I start to talk to him/her by name, instead of just imagining a blob in my stomach. And we have journals we write to our kids in (really need to make more time for that) so I'll finally get to buy this one a journal (feminine or masculine) and begin writing it in. I can't wait!

Our name for a girl is Gwendolyn Paige Weis. A boy will be Emerson Abram Weis. The funny thing about those names is that we've already named our first to a G and E name. Evelyn Rose Weis and George Benjamin Weis Jr. We like old-fashioned names. :)

Pregnancy isn't always easy, but I'm thankful for it. Having children isn't always easy. Boy oh boy do toddlers make that known! But it is a beautiful blessing and I am so thankful to be a mother to almost three beautiful children. I can't wait to meet this third blessing and cuddle him/her. Although I can wait for the childbirth pain. Yikers.

To celebrate this child we are giving away a free Blogger design. You can find out more here: New Contest! Win a free blogger design!

Stay tuned!

Friend Requirements

2010-03-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

Some people do not like me. They can't stand me. I sometimes think they would rather me die, literally. Not sure if that's true or not, but it sure seems like it sometimes. The funny thing about this is that I love people. I mean ... I LOVE people. I love close relationships. That's just how I am. And I'm super affectionate. George and are both this way. We can be friends with anyone. But I've realized that not everyone can be friends with me, unfortunately.

So, for fun, I've developed a list of "requirements" for a close friendship with me. This is not a list I stick to, but these things seem to be the major reasons why people stop talking to me or do not start talking to me.

1.) You must love Jesus and love when others talk about Him.

2.) You must have strong convictions or be able to handle someone who does when you do not.

3.) You cannot be overly insecure or jealous.

4.) You must be able to accept people who are different from you.

5.) You cannot be obsessed with celebrities, fashion, television, or movies, or you will be upset when I have no idea what you're talking about.

6.) You must be familiar with the difference between love and obedience vs. legalism.

7.) You must hate porn.

8.) You cannot be offended by Truth, even when it hurts.

9.) You must be open to change and growth.

10.) You cannot be pro-divorce.

11.) You must be willing to endure weirdness or have a weird side yourself.

12.) Always a plus if you like Michael Jordan.

13.) You must be okay with children screaming in the background of a phone conversation.

14.) You cannot be the type of person who thinks people are judging you because they have convictions you do not have.

15.) You must love God, yourself, and people.

Some bonus features:
You like the Backstreet Boys, unique movies and books, reading, writing, anything art or music-related. You are physically affectionate, love receiving gifts, and are open-minded, but know where to draw the line. You can endure my husband who likes to teach and talk without taking a breath. You love change, nature, and food. You experience, take in life for all that it is, and live with intensity. And most of all ... you want to reflect Jesus more than anything in this world.

If this sounds like you ... I'm accepting applications. :)

Just kidding. But it sure would be nice to have a best (girl) friend who gets me, loves me, and doesn't stop talking to me for silly reasons. I want that! Kennisha ... MOVE HERE!

Thankful Thursday: Growth

2010-03-04T11:30:00.001-05:00

In high school I drank a lot. And I smoked weed a lot. And although I didn't have sex as much as most people ... I lost my virginity before I even knew what an abortion was (i.e. young). Today's Thankful Thursday post isn't dedicated to a person, it's dedicated -- in a sense -- to myself.

When I became a Christian I never smoked weed again (that I can remember -- ha!), but alcohol didn't fully leave. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've gotten drunk more as a Christian than as the person who used Jesus' name in vain on a daily basis. Yes, I did that.

Alcohol is not a huge temptation to me anymore, although it can be ... so I don't drink often (pregnancy helps, which I've had my fair share of) and when I do drink a glass of wine or something of the like I make sure I'm surrounded by responsible people and not people who will encourage me to down a few more and "have a little fun."

My point is ... I'm thankful for growth. I'm thankful that I no longer resemble the high school girl who partied all the time and wanted nothing more from life than to "have fun." My close friends (wait a minute, I only have one -- my husband) are no longer people who can be mistaken for the world, they truly resemble Jesus. I don't give in to people anymore because I want to be liked. Sometimes I offend people because I speak the truth about divorce, love, porn, or whatever it is they don't agree with.

But I've changed. I'm so thankful to God for calling me to Him and pulling me closer. I'm thankful that He's making me less and less like this world, and more like Him. I'm growing.

This growth has depleted my friend's list, but shown me who my true friends are. For that I am thankful.

This growth has:

Caused me to grow up, be a mother, wife, and lover of God, in ways I never thought I could.

Taken my risk-taker/adventurous spirit and toned it down a few notches. I never thought this would be a good thing, but it is. I think more before I act.

Stripped the college (have fun) mentality from my heart and given me a true desire to seek Jesus with all of me.

Wiped away many of my selfish desires and left me with a hunger for God, selflessness, holiness, and true love.

I am still growing. I will always be growing. And that's the beautiful thing about life as a Christian. This should be an uphill climb, like Jesus carrying His cross to the ultimate sacrifice -- His life. If the road is easy, filled with fun, lack of growth, and tons of people who bring us further from Him, well ... then it's not the life of a true disciple of Jesus.

I want to be a true disciple of Jesus. I haven't always been in my past, but the wonderful thing about God is that He forgives in a way we cannot comprehend. My heart aches for Him, to be repentant always, and to seek Him with all I am.

The uphill climb that few tread -- I want that road.

The path that changes me through pain and lack of friends -- I want that road.

The way that takes me from who I am today and makes me better and more like Him tomorrow -- I want that road.

I want the hard road. The road that leads to life. The road few travel. The one that will change me every day and make me shine His light so bright.

When people look at me I don't want them to see a beer label, a hair product, or a stamp of the world ... I want them to see Him. Because I know one day this world will wash away from me ... my soul will go on. I will stand before Him and be accountable for my entire life. I've already messed up a lot ... I want to bring Him something beautiful. Oh, how I desire to be less like this world. The footprints of Jesus are not easy to follow, but I want nothing more than to follow them anyway.

I always think of the Robert Frost poem: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Let it be so, Lord.

Beautiful Jesus, make me more like you. I love growth. And I'm so thankful for it ... even when it's hard. I love you.

New Posts About Porn & Healing

2010-03-03T12:54:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've been updating my other blog about pornography (More than Desire: Hope for Women in the Shadows of Pornography) often. Some of the newest posts are:

5 Ways to Find Healing for Your Heart

12 Steps to Freedom from Porn

And a few letters from wives/girlfriends you can check out by going to the blog!

Lost Love

2010-03-02T11:25:00.003-05:00

I've seen many marriages around me crumble. Some of these marriages never made it to their fifth anniversary, others lived as a married couple for over twenty years. All of these people were or are people who consider themselves Christians.

Why is divorce so common in Christian marriages?

Why is it so common in general?

Have we lost love? True love? Divorce is one thing that saddens me to the point of staying up at night. I think back to times when arranged marriages were prominent. I didn't live back then, but it seems like arranged marriages lasted longer than marriages nowadays which are based off of how much whirlwind romance we have in the beginning ... or some other reason. Feelings seem to be the most desired thing in marriage, instead of true love.

We want to feel good. We want our spouses to constantly live up to our unattainable expectations. We base our love off of his/her actions, instead of love being unconditional. What happened to unconditional love in marriage? It seems as though we expect it from others, but we don't even give it to our spouses. Divorce rates are so, so saddening. But we don't even believe they are anymore.

I've seen a few divorces/separations happen recently (completely told via public blogs) and all of the comments seem to be pro-divorce. Or, maybe not pro-divorce, but pro-do-whatever-makes-you-feel-good. Divorce is so common that we don't feel guilt for doing it. The guilt is washed away by people who pat us on the back and tell us we need to do what we need to do to be happy. Why can't we stop looking for happiness and seek JOY? We can find joy in our marriages by serving the other person, instead of constantly seeking to be served.

How can we love someone enough to marry them, yet not love them enough to respect them and love them through trials?

The main reasons I have seen for the divorces around me have been:

One person no longer loves the other person.

One person feels unsatisfied in the relationship, therefore believing he/she has a right to seek happiness elsewhere.

One person is cheating.

One person feels threatened and instead of hanging on he/she feels the need to expose the other person, get even, and forget everything about love and selflessness.

The guilt we have for doing these things and seeking divorce should not be patted away by people who want to stroke our self-esteem. The guilt should lead us to repentance, to true love, to a change of heart. We should accept the guilt of seeking our selfish desires and turn back to God and our spouse, seeking to serve and not be served.

Marriage is beautiful. Not easy. Beautiful. Life with God is beautiful. Far from easy. But beautiful. Anything worth fighting for will have a very difficult fight to endure. We can fight for ourselves our entire lives, never truly finding joy, and forsaking God and true love. Or we can fight for others. We can fight for love. We can endure when the road gets crazy, because that's what love does. It endures.

It doesn't give up. It perseveres.

So many of us give up in the very beginning of the fight, proving to the world that there is nothing special about marriage. It's not a commitment, rather a side-note in life we can easily sign away if we decide it's too difficult.

Let's show the world true love.

Selflessness.

Perseverance.

Love that overcomes all things.

Love that values marriage more than feel-good emotions.

Marriage Monday: The Nowhere Season

2010-03-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

George and I have been through so many seasons of marriage in a short amount of time. We've had people, lies, and sin try to break us apart. Romance has swept us up like I've NEVER imagined it could. And here we are now, in this season of nowhere. It's not the most exciting season. It doesn't hold the blossoming feeling of spring or the fun of summer. It doesn't even have the bitterness of winter or the crisp romance of fall.

We're just here.

But this is one of my favorite seasons. It's a season that cannot be defined. It's not based off of feelings or external things. It's real. The realest part of marriage I've felt yet.

We were faced with difficult situations ... but we chose love. And not only did we choose love, we chose each other. So while it may feel like we're in this "nowhere season," we are in our own season. The George & Ashley Weis season. We're holding on when life is busy and we barely have time for anything.

I like this "season." I can't say it's my favorite. :) But it's a nice reminder that love isn't based off of feelings, romance, fun, or everything being the way we want it to be. It's not based off of what George does or doesn't do for me (or vice versa).

We love because He first loved us. We lay our lives down for each other because He did for us. We don't give up, because He never gave up on us.

I'm learning so much about love through my marriage. Like what it means to be selfless, to truly love someone unconditionally. But I'm also learning who I really am. Marriage has a way of pointing a mirror at your heart and allowing you to see yourself for who you are, if you don't ignore it, make excuses, or place the blame on someone else.

I'm so thankful for my husband and all he's put up with. I'm so thankful that this season between seasons is as beautiful as it can be, because we've chosen each other. I'm thankful. Period.

I love looking across the room knowing that he won't give up on me in winter or nowhere seasons. He loves me through it all. He reminds me of God in that way. Loving, loving, loving all the time, no matter what the circumstances are.

Thank you, husband of mine, for showing me what faithfulness really is. I love you!

Spacing Children

2010-02-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

Evie and George are 18 months apart. I LOVE their age difference. They are best friends. When one wakes up from a nap before the other they beg me to get the other up. I love when Georgie wakes up first, which has been happening lately, and he bursts into her room with a huge smile.

"Sisssssy," he says as he runs up to her bed.

Yawn. Evie stirs. "Hey, Georgie. Whatchoo doing?" Another yawn. "Evie's sweepy, George."

"Sissssssy."

"Play with the twains, Georgie. Evie's sweepy."

I scurry up to the front of the apartment and five minutes later there they are. Together. As always. I love that. I wish they would sleep together in the same room. Their closeness is beautiful to me. And oddly, they don't fight very much. Whenever one of them goes into the refrigerator for a juice box they will get the other one a juice as well. So cute.

Our third child is due in a few months. That will make Georgie and Baby #3 21 months apart. I kind of wish they were closer, but God has a plan for them.

Call me crazy, but I'm sorta hoping for Baby #4 to be as close as possible to Baby #3. :) Who knows, maybe I'm having twins. Still haven't had an ultrasound due to insurance issues, but we'll get there soon.

Anyway, God has spaced all of our children and I really think He knows best. It may not always be the easiest, but I love it. I love how close they are. I love that they don't know what life is like without the other. Evie can't remember and George never knew life without Evie.

I'm excited to see when Baby #4 comes! :)

And I'm also excited to see if and how God works adoption into all of this. I think it would be so nice to adopt siblings who are close in age as well.

We shall see ... We shall see ...

BUT I LOVE having kids close together. Love it! :) Hectic, but such a blessing in so many ways!

Insecurity

2010-02-26T11:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget that I'm insecure. Weird, huh? I guess I get so busy in life that everything distracts me. I don't have time to think about my flaws so they don't bother me. Somehow I believe I'm a secure person, totally dependent on God for validation, in these busy times. That's the funny part. I actually believe I am not insecure.

Then something hits me. I randomly realize how pregnant I am. How I don't look the same as I did a few years ago. I see a magazine or an ad and jealousy lingers for a few minutes before I push it aside. But I push it aside. I push it all aside. And in that I find a fake peace that reassures me I have no insecurities at all. I love everything God made me to be.

Only that's not always true.

But God has been changing my heart lately. I've been really, really praying about being more positive about everything. Critiquing food less. Critiquing myself less. Not speaking negatively of another person, even if it's relaying some sort of true story (i.e. so-and-so got divorced, or so-and-so is not being nice to her husband). My heart has been changing. I've been able to see negativity through God's eyes more often, instead of my own.

This is an amazing way to view the world, but I have yet to view myself this way. I realized it tonight when I had a sudden moment of ... I wish I looked better. That one thought -- that one measly thought -- spun my heart into a few circles. Suddenly I thought I was all-around a horrible person.

But it didn't last this time. It didn't put me into one of those funky, irritable moods where I zone off and imagine what life would be like if I were someone else, someone better.

This time -- I gave it to God.

I didn't push it away. I didn't ignore it. I didn't give myself this false pride and hey, I'm perfectly secure mentality. But I also didn't listen to the lies.

I let the truth sink in, which isn't always pretty.

I am not perfect in the world's eyes. And if I keep looking at myself through the world's eyes, I will never, ever be content with myself. I will never love myself or see myself as God sees me.

It's not easy to let truth reside in my heart. Truth tells me, "You're not perfect in the world's eyes." And sometimes that's my very desire.

But I'm not listening to the lies this time. I'm listening to the truth.

I'm not perfect.

But I am perfectly me.

Through God's eyes I am beautiful. I am loved. And I am cherished. Not because of my perfect personality, cleanliness, loveliness, or appearance, but because of HIM. He loves beyond that. He looks not through the lens of the world, but the lens of pure, pure love.

My prayer and hope is to see myself, the world, and even God Himself through the eyes of the greatest love ever known to man. I want to see the world through Jesus Christ.

So, I am acknowledging my insecurity. But through this ... I am surrendering, not ignoring. And I can feel the weight lift already.

Through your eyes, Jesus. Through your eyes ...

Hope for Women in the Shadows of Pornography

2010-02-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

I've transferred all of my blog posts to More than Desire, a new blog dedicated to women who are healing or heart broken from their husband or boyfriend's porn addiction. I'll post about porn on More than Desire from now on. :)

Thankful Thursday: My Children

2010-02-25T11:53:00.000-05:00

I made a video for today's post. I believe the song, the words on the screen, and the images all say more than I can say within this blog post.

To my babies: I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love a child. Because of you ... I understand God's love for myself deeper than I ever knew before. Because of you ... I am a mother -- one of the greatest blessings in the world. Thank you.

Being Real

2010-02-24T11:36:00.002-05:00

I've never had many friends throughout life. Elementary school kids made fun of my hair and clothes and although I tried my best to be cool in middle school ... it never happened.

My parents moved from the city to the county for my high school years. I thought for sure this might change my life. Maybe I'd be popular. Maybe I'd, you know, be the prettiest girl in school with the prettiest clothes and choose whoever I wanted to be friends with.

Yeah.

Didn't happen.

In fact, there were multiple times throughout my entire school life when I literally ran-Forest-ran away from school to avoid being punched in the face. Nope. Not making that up.

To this day I don't have many friends. A few here and there, but most people who become my friend stop talking to me right around the time I said some sort of truth they didn't want to hear.

My problem from elementary school 'till now? I am not a conformist, as George would say.

No, I'm not. Not to my family and not to my friends. I want to be like Jesus and Jesus only. He's the only person I want to conform to. And I think my natural non-conforming way makes people feel uncomfortable, hence the lack of friends. I am very honest nowadays. I've done the lying thing, the hold-my-tongue thing, the pretend-to-be-someone-else thing in order to make people like me or feel comfortable around me.

In middle school I pretended I saw the same movies as my friends so I could fit in. I even lied about shaving my legs. Everyone could shave their legs, except me. So, I shaved my ankles and I'd pull my pants up in class and make people think I was as cool as them. Yeah ... I've done the pretend thing.

But I realized somewhere along the way that people who don't love me for me don't love me at all. If they don't want me to tell them the truth, talk about Jesus (my greatest love), or talk about anything important to me ... well, they don't love me. And they don't need to love me.

Truth and honesty in a relationship sets people free. It gives a relationship the wings it needs in order to fly to unimaginable heights. I want those kinds of relationships.

George hid his pornography struggle from me for the duration of our relationship and into our marriage. Why? Because he didn't want to hurt me, make me feel uncomfortable, or scar my view of him. Sometimes truth hurts. It chisels. And having a chisel come at your heart isn't always the most thrilling idea.

So, we lie. We make up things. Or we just hide the truth in a corner of our mind so no one ever feels uncomfortable around us. We want people to like us. We want the world to approve. We fear judgment from others. You know, that feeling like we are wrong. So ... we don't set truth free.

And in turn we suffer. Our relationships never go beyond the surface. We can't talk about anything deeper than the basic things going on in our life. Growth is stunted, love is stifled, and we have tons of friends and people who love us.

I've come to a point in my life where I'm okay with not having a lot of friends. I'm okay with those friends who stop talking to me because they don't like what I say or love or feel or think. I'm okay with not being accepted by the general public. But I'm not okay with wavering in truth. I'm not okay with not being myself. Not anymore. I'm not okay with being quiet about things I am passionate about (social injustice, poverty, orphans, porn stars, and JESUS).

I want real relationships. Real love. People who smile when I talk about Jesus, instead of fidgeting in their chairs or making up excuses to end conversations. People who may not agree with me about head coverings or loving porn stars and rapists or anything else, but can accept me anyway. People who aren't afraid to tell me the truth laced with love.

People like my husband.

Since truth has become a huge part of our relationship we have become true best friends. The porn thing came out and we have grown so, so close since then.

He is the only TRUE best friend I've ever had in my entire life. He tells me the truth. He doesn't always agree with me and he expresses his disagreement with true, true love. There's not a day that passes where he doesn't make me feel so thankful to have him. He accepts me. I think he's the only person I've ever known who has known me fully and truly accepted me. I can talk to him about anything and he doesn't get upset. I can tell him when I think he's wrong and he doesn't get upset (most of the time ... wink wink, love). He doesn't stop talking to me, ever. He never pushes me away. And he welcomes my heart. He LOVES when I talk about Jesus.

He is my best friend. And Jesus is even more of a best friend. He REALLY gets me. With these two in my life ... I'm not lonely. And the love and acceptance I've received from Jesus and my husband has shown me the truth:

I don't need to hide, lie, or be quiet to be loved.

I am loved the way I am. Not by everyone, but by the people who matter most.

Live Like You're Dying

2010-02-23T11:30:00.001-05:00

Almost every day I ask myself, "When will I feel like an adult? When will I feel like a mother?" It's obvious I am the technical age of an adult. And my floors, couches, and walls prove I'm a mother. There's no doubt in my mind, but ... WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Sometimes I look at George and say, "Who are you, anyway? When did you get here?"

Life moves so fast. I'm already 26 weeks pregnant with my third child and I still can't believe I'm a mother to my beautiful three-year-old (well, almost three-year-old). How did I get here?

I'm not the type of woman to revolve my life around my kids. I am very much my own person and my identity is not wrapped up in Mom and Wife. However, I can't express how happy I am, how content I am, to be here.

I've always wanted this and as hard as it can be (sleep deprivation, constant cleaning, pregnant woes) it's so, so worth it. Being a wife and mother is the best thing God has ever blessed me with. I love it. Lately I've been more aware of my ability to die any second. In my younger years I thought I would live to be eighty. Now I know that might not happen. I'm not invincible. My time could be tomorrow.

So, you know that country song that talks about living like you are dying? My life truly expresses that now. Maybe to an unhealthy extreme that I'm asking God to temper. My bucket list I wrote the other day ... well, I feel an overwhelming sense of getting these things done. I don't want to waste a second of my life. If I spend time watching something for entertainment purposes I want it to be valuable to eternity in some way. I guess that's why we've been watching a lot of social justice movies. Haha.

But really, I want to live for eternity. I want to cherish every. single. moment. with my children. (Like that new use of periods?) Never do I want a second to pass where I don't adore being a wife. And most of all ... I want every second of my life to be pleasing to my Jesus.

Right now I have a few hours left of daylight. Oh, how I desire to use them wisely. To use them for eternity. To use them to glorify God.

And I hope to always keep this perspective. To always, always live like I could die any second. To always, always, always enjoy everything around me.

I love life. I love it through the pain, the trials, and my own failures ... because it is a gift. Every breath is a gift.

Thank you, Father!

Marriage Monday: The Hardest Thing

2010-02-22T09:35:00.001-05:00

There have been a few times in our marriage where we've been upset, hurt, or mad at each other, but there is one thing that could really pull us apart if we let it. The hardest thing for me is not communication breakdowns, little annoyances, or times when I feel unloved.

The hardest thing for me is time. Or lack of it. When life is busy and there are less moments of looking into my husband's eyes for longer than a minute. When children interrupt romantic moments. Morning cuddle times are no longer possible. There are things to do, children to care for, and time for each other is limited, so limited.

Sometimes life is so busy that it's impossible to "make time" for each other. Instead, you have to cherish the moments you are given. The kisses in between chocolate milk spills. The five-second hugs before Froot Loops end up on the ceiling. Those little moments are the moments that keep me going.

Sometimes clients call us on weekends. Well, they won't get an answer. I don't respond to emails (most of the time) on weekends, because that's the only time we can "make time" for each other. During the week we take care of our babies in the mornings, run errands, work during nap times, run errands when the babies wake up, then come home, eat, bath time, put the kids to bed, and back to work we go.

Weekends are our time. Our time to relax, be exhausted, and cuddle on the couch to talk or watch a movie. And watching movies isn't fun to me. It's not romantic. It's separate. But there's such a lack of energy after an exhausting week.

Alas, that is our time. Our sacred time. I can't even stress how important it has been for me to shut off the computer and enjoy my husband. Sometimes work is so intense that Saturdays end up work days. Those are the weeks I cherish those little moments. Those moments where I can choose to be immersed in my own little world ... or I can choose to gaze into his eyes until a ball hits me on the back of the head.

I don't always choose to pull myself out of my dazed little world, but I want to. I want to cherish the little moments and long for a weekend away with my love (hasn't happened since Evie was born).

I want to be one with him. Always.

My Bucket List

2010-02-20T11:08:00.001-05:00

Well, here it is, my list of things I want to do before I die, in no order at all:

1.) Adopt a child or two or three.

2.) Write a novel that could win the Nobel Prize in Literature. Okay, I know, I don't shoot for stars ... I go for galaxies. This isn't as self-centered as it sounds, I promise. It's not that I want the award (per say), but I want to write a novel that CAN win the award, not necessarily WIN it. In other words, I want to write a novel that I would give that award to. Something meaningful, beautiful, and impacting.

3.) Help at least one person who has been wrongfully convicted and exonerated start a new life.

4.) Buy a house for a homeless single mom trying to get her life together. Yeah, galaxies remember ... I aim for them and figure I'll at least land somewhere near the non-existent Pluto.

5.) Make a difference in the lives of those living in our ghettos.

6.) Own a nice house to rent-to-own to a single mom for much cheaper than other places.

7.) Travel across the country with only my husband. Perhaps after the kids are out of the house if that ever happens and I don't die first. :)

8.) To be so in love with Jesus that people can't help but know Him when they are around me.

9.) To be content in all things.

10.) To be so in love with Jesus that everything I adore could be taken from me and I'd still be able to smile.

11.) Dance under the stars on a city rooftop in the Fall. With my husband, of course. Be nice if we had our song playing in the background.

12.) To be a mother my children are proud to call Mom.

13.) Own a house and plant a tree.

14.) Be more like Jesus than the world.

15.) Understand theology (for my husband's sake).

16.) Have a home birth.

17.) I would love to be able to sponsor at least 10 Compassion kids at once from the time they enter the program until the time they leave. Right now we have five of all ages, but I'd love to have money to do more and start from the beginning and be there to support them all the way to adulthood. That would be amazing.

18.) Learn from children. I hope I live long enough to see their wisdom far surpass my own wee wisdom.

19.) Write and direct a film. Or just write it and have Steven Spielberg direct, ya know ... galaxies.

20.) Love God with all of me, every day, all the time.

21.) Pay for my younger cousin to go to dirt bike riding camp before he turns 18 and do everything I can to help him reach his dreams in life and not settle for less.

22.) Outlive my sister if my parents die first so she never has to live without her family. Be nice if my dad outlived all of us as he always says. :)

23.) And lastly, Lord, if possible ... I'd like to die in my husband's arms and wake up in Yours.

When Loving Isn't Easy

2010-02-19T10:49:00.020-05:00

I am an extremely extreme person. If I love someone ... I LOVE someone. If I like a food ... I LIKE a food. If I am convicted of something ... SEE YA SIN. That's just how I am and it's not always a good thing. It's hard for me to find balance. In order to feel okay inside I need to give someone/something 150% of me and if I don't give that something 150% you can be assured it's got 0% of me.

There's a particular person in my life. Imagine me as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Got that? Well, this person is the Wicked Witch.

Only I she didn't fall into my colorful world and get crushed, I fell into hers. Since then, brick after brick has landed on my heart. Her actions have made me feel as though her life would have been (and would be) so much better if I never entered it or if I died and let her be.

She hasn't talked to me in almost one year, but has made an effort to reach out to me with a card that made no sense to me.

My question is:

How can I be friends with someone (or have a relationship of any kind) when that person still doesn't seem to really want a relationship with me?

I'm not a faker. And I have this extreme thing I struggle with. It's nearly impossible for me to do the cordial, what's up, how's the weather, how are the kids, stuff. And if I sense someone faking with me, trying to be nice and go through the motions, I think, What is the point of this? Why not just ignore me?

When I allow God to search my heart I realize that I don't have animosity toward this person. I don't hate her. My heart even aches for things to be right, for her to become a Glenda in my life or an Auntie Em or a Tin Man or someone who is a true friend. If I search deep down I realize that although I can't name one thing I like about her at this point (since I've only seen the Wicked Witch and been chased my crazy monkeys) I still love her.

I imagine Dorothy as she's constantly thwarted by the Wicked Witch and wonder ... Am I stupid? Am I stupid for wanting to be friends with the Wicked Witch when she only hurts me and clearly doesn't want a true relationship with me?

So, this leaves me with 0%. And it's hard for me to live with being a 0% in something I am passionate about -- loving people. But I don't know what to do. When someone doesn't LET you love them or want your love ... how do you give them 150% anyway?

Do you become a doormat so that the person is always comfortable around you? Do you practice ultra-silence around the person to make sure you never say the wrong thing or upset them? Do you let the bricks come and cry out in pain each time until the person kills your spirit?

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to give all of me or even a part of me when there is no relationship and seems to be no desire for one. I don't know how to GIVE myself when the person throws me away or hands me back unopened. I don't know how to be 25% or if that's even possible.

Sadly, in this one situation ... I don't how to love.

Jesus, teach me how to hurt like you. Teach me how to feel pain like you do. Show me how to have grace and love and keep giving when people don't want anything to do with me. You know the feeling all too well. Help me to be more like you.

Thankful Thursday: My Husband

2010-02-18T09:24:00.001-05:00

I'm going to use Thursdays to list 10 things I'm thankful for or things I love about a particular person. It doesn't have to be someone I've met in "real life." It could be someone from the past I've never met, someone from my life, or someone from my past.

I'm setting Thursday aside for this because I want to focus more on the positive things in life. I want to take time out once a week to reflect on the beauty of a person God created. So often we pick apart people, look at their flaws, and don't see them through the beautiful eyes of God. I want to see people through the eyes of God. And I want to be more thankful for everything in my life. So, this is my effort to set aside a day of praise to lift someone else up.

Today, I choose my husband.

So, here's a list of praise about my husband:

1.) That he sings and makes music all day long. Whether he's in the shower, at his computer, playing with the kids, or taking the trash out ... he sings. And he has a beautiful voice, too.

2.) He's filled with grace more than any person I know. He forgives quickly, he RARELY gets angry, and he is the most peace-filled/peace-making person to ever walk into my life. And if you know me ... you know I need that!

3.) He has holes in his jeans (not the stylish kind). Okay, so why is this a praise? Because to me this displays humility. He is not concerned about his appearance more than he's concerned about the appearance of his heart before his Father.

4.) He teaches. He really, really teaches. He is intelligent and sponges information in a way I can't comprehend. He loves to learn and loves to teach others and share what he's learned. This best part about this is that he is so humble about it. He doesn't think he is smart and he never thinks of himself as someone to preach to others. He simply likes to teach and share. It comes so natural. If you know him, you know what I mean.

5.) He reaches for me every night in bed and kisses me every morning.

6.) He kisses me approximately 54 times a day. He didn't realize it but I kept track today (I'm writing this at night and scheduling the post for the morning). From the time I woke up until the time I wrote this post (7:30pm) he kissed me 54 times. Granted, a few of those kisses I initiated, but he passionately accepted.

7.) He is sensitive and gentle. He's not a hard man afraid of tears. He doesn't hide his emotions. He feels deeply and his feelings are not hidden from the world.

8.) He is the only man I know of (personally) who would leave the house any time of day to get his wife a candy bar. I don't have to beg or ask twice. It goes like this: "I really want some ice cream," I say. "Want me to get you some?" He says. Rain, sunshine, snow ... he will go. :) How'd ya like that rhyme?

9.) He makes weird videos with me.

10.) He loves Jesus more than he loves anything else in this world and he still yearns to know Him and love Him more and more and more. This is the most beautiful trait I can find in ANY person. I am so thankful to say this about my husband.

I could list 10,031,479 things about him ... but I'll save that for Marriage Monday. :)

Natural Childbirth vs. Epidural

2010-02-17T11:31:00.007-05:00

My first labor experience was a bit of a nightmare, but not the worst nightmare. I labored for 30 hours or so with Evie, my first. Most of those hours were back labor. Around 7pm on a Wednesday I reached 7cm dilation. This is the transition phase where contractions come every minute or so. I got stuck in this phase until sometime the next morning (still dark). I truly thought I would lose my mind. My midwife broke my water, but nothing happened.

"You're going to need Pitocin to intensify your contractions, otherwise, if you don't give birth within the next 2 hours the doctor's are required to do an emergency C-section because of your Group B Strep," my lovely midwife said.

"I can't intensify these contractions right now," I said as another twist of pain coursed my back. "It's already too much."

The Pitocin = Last Choice. So, I took the Pitocin and the advised Epidural to deal with it. For the next thirty minutes I shook violently and uncontrollably. George actually teared up because of it. Then, I fell asleep and woke up every few minutes to throw up. This process repeated until I gave birth at 11:17am.

Phew.

The next labor started at 5am. We went to a birth center this time to avoid the Epidural situation (which I did not like at all). My water broke around 5:30am with a mild contraction. We went to the birth center at 8:30am. No contractions. They gave me some herbs to speed up the process. George and I went out to eat lunch, then came back to the birth center. They advised us to do some walking. So, we admired the nearby horses and by the time I came back the contractions were more regular, still not unbearable.

A few herbs later my contractions were intense. Around 1pm they were unbearable. This lasted until almost 5pm when I told the midwife I could not go on. She checked me out. Phew. 9cm. Almost there. I thought of Jesus on the cross and said to God, "Lord, if you could do that for me ... I can get through this pain for my children. Heeeeelllpppppp!"

If only I knew what I'd experience next.

The first time I gave birth I didn't push naturally. The Epidural saved me from that experience. But with George Jr.'s birth ... I pushed naturally. Whoa. That is the most intense pain I've ever experienced. Good thing it seemed to last a short 5 minutes!

I can't describe how much that hurt, but I can say that I've experienced both and I'd choose the painful pushing experience over that thing in my spine ANY day. The natural birth is so much more ... natural. Your body goes with it. You are more aware of what's happening. And right afterward you feel AMAZING. I mean, amazing. George and I were back home by 7pm that night. Yep, only 1.5 hours from the time George Jr. came into the world.

Birth centers are amazing. If insurance covered it we'd definitely have a home birth, but a birth center is a home birth in a friend's home. We LOVE it.

I can't honestly say I'm looking forward to the intense pain, but I am looking forward to meeting this child and having a natural and (hopefully) healthy delivery. Some people write off natural birth right away, but women were made to do this. Epidurals only existed since the mid-1900's. Before that we gave birth painfully. And I believe there is purpose in that pain, just like every pain in life.

We are made to give birth naturally. So, if you haven't tried natural childbirth yet ... don't write it off! And if you REALLY want to try a natural birth ... stay away from the hospital. :) The temptation to get an Epidural is much stronger when it's down the hall. At a birth center ... welp, no choice! :)

I have done both and for number three, four, and so on, I will say no to drugs. :) It truly is an amazing experience. And if I am willing to do it again ... that should say a lot. Ask my husband. :)

I've only got three more months until I share my third birth story with you! :) Can't wait! Anyone else out there preggers? I know a few of you are! Don't forget to share your birth stories with me!

Adoption Yellow Light

2010-02-16T11:48:00.003-05:00

George and I have been open to adoption for a few years now. We don't feel like God has given us a red light, but there is a definite yellow light that seems to be never-ending. It's taken me awhile to get used to this pause, but I've learned something I'd never give back.

I've learned that part of me wanted to adopt for the wrong reasons. I didn't want to slow down at the yellow light in front of me. Instead, I wanted to plow ahead. People have told me things like, "Children are suffering, you know?" And that George and I shouldn't wait no matter what our financial/home situation is. But that didn't settle well with us. We don't want to go into debt for adoption right now, and even if we didn't have to spend anything ... we've learned that it's not the right time.

I'm okay with this now. I've realized that my desire to adopt is wonderful, but it needs to be within God's timing and plan. I could choose to rush ahead anyway, but I wouldn't be taking God's hand ... I'd be running ahead of Him, speeding through the yellow light so I wouldn't get stuck at a red light.

Zooming through yellow lights isn't illegal, like running a red light, but there's something about it that isn't beautiful. It's not peaceful. It's the mark of a person in a hurry. Someone who has a will of their own. Someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want. Without God's wisdom.

I don't want to be like that. So, I've come to a place of rest with adoption. Our time will come, and who knows, maybe it won't. I want to be open to God's plan for my life. And when every door is peacefully open, the green light will signal us to move forward. I look forward to that day, but I'm thankful for THIS day.

If we adopted right now we wouldn't be able to give that child the time and attention he/she truly deserves, nor would our own babies receive the love and attention they deserve. It's time to savor yellow lights and slow down, willing to accept a red OR green light when it appears.

Father, I surrender my desire to adopt an orphan. I lay this at your feet, with my life. Use me according to YOUR purpose, not my own. Help me to enjoy the peace of yellow lights and accept red lights. Your will. Your will. Your will be done. I love you, Ashley

Unbridled Romance

2010-02-15T11:32:00.004-05:00

I think God brought me into this world with romance in my veins. It has always been a part of me, and my husband (although not always the same as me) is the same way. We have a natural tendency toward the 1800's. We like dogwood trees, rivers, and tea. Candles are always in our house (maybe not as many as we'd prefer). We are often called "old souls" by people who know us well. There's something about us, something that wants to breathe in and exhale all the details of life. We live and breathe romance.

Some of us may lean this way naturally, but either way, romance is not something we're born with. Not always. Like most things, it must be fostered and nursed. Surroundings, lighting, sounds, eating and sleeping habits, our own spiritual condition -- all of these things play a role.

And sometimes -- here's the kicker -- we should practice romance even when we don't feel like it. God is the fire that keeps our marriages burning, but romance is something (I think) He gives us (like a few logs) to keep it the flames bright. We need to be willing to take some time to throw the logs in or the flames won't be as strong.

So, here are some things we do (or should do) to keep the romance in our marriage a hunka hunka burning love:

1.) For us it's hard to get babysitters so we like to take time out during the weekends to have date nights at home.

2.) Sleep. Eat. Have tea. Exercise. These things really make a difference. The more exhausted I am the less I feel like staring into my husband's eyes with adoration.

3.) Pray for your spouse. I never feel closer to George than when I pray for him. Really.

4.) Take showers together. Don't be so separate (even though our culture likes to promote this). Be one, as we are intended to be.

5.) Leave notes on the pillow, in the shower, on his computer, in her makeup bag, in the refrigerator, etc. etc. etc.

6.) Something cutesy I did for George years ago: Write 365 notes (enough for the entire year) to your spouse so he/she has one to open every day of the year. George still has half of his left and it's been exactly 4 years since I've done that. Haha. He takes his time. If I die anytime soon at least he'll have something to remember.

7.) Take time out every day to write a mental list of things you love about your spouse. So often (in the midst of chaos) we pick apart our spouses. We get so irritated at everything they do. But that's because we choose to focus on the negative (just like when we look in the mirror) instead of focusing on the positive. Take time every day to zero on the beautiful things about your spouse.

8.) Create a CD or load a playlist into your iPod that has all of your songs. Wedding songs, favorite love songs, and just songs with memories from that one road trip, or the time you went to the beach, or ... you get the point. Favorite meaningful songs. Make a playlist and play it when you're together in the car.

Ah, I could go on and on. Really. But here's the thing:

Romance is like a wild horse. It cannot be bridled. It cannot be fenced or broken in. It needs to have room to run. And if you don't let it run ... its spirit will die. Let it run wild in your marriage! And make sure you buy a few hundred acres to let it FLY! :)

To read my husband's Marriage Monday post check out his blog.

Hugging My Babies

2010-02-13T09:56:00.000-05:00

I've always loved children. For years I worked with tons of special needs kids and they became a part of me. There's nothing like loving a kid. And now that I have my own ... I can't describe the way it feels to nurture them, hold them, or be the one they run to when they get a boo-boo.

Evie (almost 3 years old) is very independent. She doesn't like to hold our hands. She rarely wants help with anything. And she thinks she can discipline us if we don't give her ice cream. But she still wants me when she's hurting.

I love being there for my babies when they are hurting.

The other day my little guy (19 months) woke up from his nap with a wail. "MOMMMYYY!!!"

I went in and held him for a few minutes. He calmed down, nuzzled into my neck, and slowly blinked his eyes 'till sleep lured him in. I LOVE moments like that.

But it got me thinking ... how often do I deprive my Father (who loves me SO much more than I love my children) the beauty of holding me when I'm hurting? Or holding me in general?

I'm so self-sufficient sometimes. And when I'm hurting I often clam up in my shell and wait until I push the pain far enough inside that it becomes "invisible" for a few months. I don't do this all of the time. Sometimes I cry out to God. Sometimes I fall asleep knowing He's the one catching my tears. But there are those times I don't let Him soothe me.

I know there will be days (maybe teenage years) where my kids may do the same. I will let them have their independence, but I know part of me will ache to hold them. I love them. I want to be there to cry with them, to catch their tears. And as adult as I am (ha!) God is still my Daddy. I will never outgrow those toddler years where I need my Daddy more than anything or anyone else. He is the only one who can heal me, soothe me, or comfort me to the fullest extent.

Yet, so often ... I don't let Him.

I hope to let God's arms wrap around His little girl more often. I hope to remember this blog post next time I'm upset. I want to run to Him first. I want Him to be my everything!

And I want that for my kids as well. I want them to go to Him first, not Mommy.

Oh, to be a child of God. What a blessing! We turn from Him so often and yet, He's right here waiting for a hug.

He's the best parent ever!

A Look Inside Our Home

2010-02-12T12:27:00.005-05:00

Being designers people probably imagine our house is purty cool. Actually, our apartment (not house) is as utilitarian as it gets. Here's a sneak peak:

This is Evie's room. Very big. Very filled with TONS of furniture, as you can see below. Notice anything interesting about the windows? We use blankets as black-out shades. Purty cool. Evie's room, however, is probably the prettiest in the entire apartment. We painted it when we first moved in. We just don't have any furniture, besides the hand-me-downs you see pictured (bed, crib, rocking chair George had when he was little). We've tried to get little G-man to sleep in there with her, but that never happened. So ... she sleeps next to an empty crib. Well, Tigger sleeps in the crib.

Our room. Complete with treadmill and comforters as curtains (which are up to 14 years old). The comforter on our bed has been around since right before George and I met for the first time. Not sure what happened to the body pillow covers...BTW, comforters as curtains REALLY helps the heat bills. :) Just a tip.

This is our kitchen. And those are our chairs.

As you can see ... our kitchen chairs are multi-functional.

I don't consider us poor, although the average person in this country is probably better off than we are. But I do consider us rich. And I love having an apartment that looks like this because it reminds me of people who have less. George (being the lovely designer) would MUCH rather have a cool-looking house. But he doesn't need it and he doesn't complain about our lack of coolness around here. That's what I love about living like this. It helps us realize what we need vs. what we want.

One of these days if we ever make enough money to buy unnecessary things George will make our house look pretty amazing (cheaply). But for now ... we wake up to the beautiful interior decorations around us and realize that we are blessed to be poor in the eyes of this world. Money and possessions will create a dependency within us for those things. With this lifestyle we are dependent on God. I love that!

What I don't love is that we don't have a ton of money or stuff to give to others. We give what we can (maybe more than we can, which is probably why we've yet to buy a new comforter, chairs, and curtains). I do have this problem though, and George beautifully balances me out. Sometimes I think I should live in a cardboard box. Sometimes I think ... I shouldn't even have these kitchen "chairs." Because I feel like I'm rich. I feel like I have too much compared to many people.

But my husband, as always, makes me realize how extreme I am and that God doesn't ask us to live in cardboard boxes. He wants us to be careful with what we purchase, because our checkbooks truly reveal our hearts. And He doesn't mind if we buy new comforters or curtains instead of giving every penny to the poor, but for me it'll always come down to ... does my checkbook have more debits for others (including my children) than it does for me?

Because that's where I want my heart to be. Set on God. Set on others. Not myself.

"When I have money, I get rid of it quickly, lest it find a way into my heart." John Wesley

That's a quote I want to live by!