SWEET JEESUS, I hate when people and kids whine.

So we’re on the same page, feel free to hate what I’m writing.

I’ve been in pretty much constant pain for the last week. Unfortunately, it’s not the kind of pain that I can chalk up to a workout well done or some kind of sexual masochistic punishment. That would be fun to have attributed to the stupid-ass pain in my neck, shoulder, and back.

Last week, it just started as a muscle strain behind my right shoulder blade, one of those you can stretch out with a rub and a crack and maybe some soreness. But it didn’t go away and started becoming annoying when my arm would go numb and I couldn’t turn my neck.

Ibuprofen helped make it go away for a few days, but by Sunday and Sunday night, I was to the point where I could barely get to sleep.

Monday morning, I made an appointment with my chiropractor, so I went in that afternoon for an adjustment. They have a masseuse on staff, but since the medical insurance we have won’t allow a chiropractic adjustment on the same day as a massage treatment, I had to go back on Tuesday for the muscle massage.

Because that totally makes sense, insurance company?

I left on Tuesday with a sample package of these herbal muscle relaxers, which could totally be called “Pot Without the High.” (A sample package of “Pot With the High” looks like that picture up there.) I took two of those suckers and promptly conked out on the couch while the children played in the other room.

I think they were playing. Maybe the TV was on and they were watching Game of Thrones where they red lady gave birth to the Smoke Monster from Lost. If they were, it’s a well-learned lesson to not have unprotected sex with apparitions.

The point being, I’m suffering. This whole pain management thing is major suckitute where my will to be productive in life is being sucked out of my brains.

Luckily for Patrick, I’m a super quiet sufferer who keeps her frustrations and aches to herself.

Which is totally not true.

I’m a moaner and groaner.

In some situations, I’m sure he appreciates my moans and groans. By now, over 7 days into the constant reminder of my pain and inability to turn my head properly, he’s clearly over my whining. Somehow I hit the jackpot of husbands, and he hasn’t yet actually told me to shut my trap with my pain objections. He also rubs my acne-scarred back with BioFreeze with nary a comment about my unpretty skin. Told you: husband jackpot.

So don’t feel too bad for me when you’re thinking of me living in constant pain for non-dominant/submissive sex reasons because I have someone who will rub me down with eye-burning menthol and not complain.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: back pain, biofreeze, herbal muscle relaxer, neck pain, pain, shoulder pain

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It’s too bad public school principals don’t take bribes.

Or at least my kids’ principal doesn’t. I don’t think. Not that I have the money to significantly sway her decisions anyway, unless she could be bought for the $.67 I have in my bank account.

But if she did take some under-the-table influencing, I could totally have my daddy make a significant donation to her private fund. He has more than $.67 in his checking account, and he doesn’t want to see his 35-year-old baby cry.

Because I’m totally crying.

My rational brain is telling me that in the grand scheme of my daughter’s educational life, this won’t make a difference. My emotional brain is lying on the floor, kicking and crying and yelling, “WHYYYYYYYMEEEEEE….??????/???”

The more I tell the details of my daughters’ school opportunities, the more I realize just how fortunate we are to live in the neighborhood where we do and they go to the school where they go. Damn lucky, we are.

I’ll try to give you the short story of why I’m throwing a mini tantrum:

My firstborn, Anna, is finishing her 2nd grade year and her 2nd year in the Gifted Program. When she was 3-years-old, she was speech-delayed and placed into a county-supported intervention program which gave her an IEP (Individualized Education Program) with which she entered into Kindergarten. It basically gave her additional services and second-chances with the support of her teacher and special education attention.

While in Kindergarten, her teacher saw her gifted potential and recommended her for testing into the Gifted Program. We were hesitant to allow her to be tested because if she didn’t qualify for the program that year, she couldn’t be tested again for a year or two and may not have qualified at that time.

Basically, it’s a bunch of arbitrary rules no one really understands or supports, but such is the way of bureaucratic public education.

As expected, Anna didn’t pass the initial screening for the Gifted Program because she wouldn’t talk to the test administrator. But because of the IEP she had for her speech delays (see: not talking; selective mutism), she was permitted to continue on to the second assessment, which is a one-on-one verbal test.

Anna not only passed the Gifted assessment, but she smoked it, karate-chopped the test-makers, and demanded their hearts on a platter for creating such an easy test. Being in the Gifted Program meant that she was placed in an all-gifted and high-achiever class with an amazing teacher and will continue with most of those same students for the remainder of her elementary years.

I told you we had an amazing school. Most schools have a gifted pull-out program where they are in a typical class most of the time and pulled out for gifted curriculum as the school deems is available.

As the top reader in her Kindergarten class this year, Claire was recommended for gifted screening by her teacher.

Claire didn’t pass the initial group-administered screening. Unlike Anna, Claire doesn’t have an IEP to “push” her through to the 2nd round of one-on-one screening.

This means that Claire is not in the Gifted Program (yet) and will not have the same AMAZING teacher than Anna had for 1st grade.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement. My heart is weeping.

I do my best to believe that Fate has its way and that whatever happens is supposed to happen. It doesn’t give me any solace that my baby girl will be upset and will cry because she won’t have the same 1st grade teacher as her sister.

It’s totally stupid that I can’t bribe my daughter’s way into the class, because I’m totally turning into that parent who is going to annoyingly lobby on behalf of her kid.

Ethics are totally stupid.

Parenting is totally hard.

Emotions are totally annoying.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: gifted program, parenting, public school

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Is there any cooler way to show myself off in a swimsuit than by diving underwater on a reef in Cozumel?

No. No there is not anything cooler.

To give you a better look of my cute self in my Lands’ End swimsuit, I modeled for my not-so-photog sister while we were on our cruise last weekend.

If we were giving out prizes, I’d totally win for Best Locale among all of the other beautiful ladies of Curvy Girl Guide who are joining me for the Lands’ End Swimsuit Confidence Week. Sure those other girls look amazing in their flower-covered backyards, posing as their hot selves in their swimsuits, but come on. I’M ON A BOAT!

And lookit how cute my pink (YES, they’re Crocs!) flippy floppys match my pink swimsuit. It’s totally like I planned it that way. Let’s pretend I did.

It’s your turn. Go strip down to your swimsuit, have a photo taken, and post your picture on the internet for all of the world to see forever and ever, Amen.

I dare you, friends. Do you accept?

Links to the Lands’ End-provided swimsuit I’m wearing: Lands’ End Women’s Regular Beach Living Dot Twist Tankini Top; Lands’ End Women’s Regular Beach Living Mid Length SwimMini

top image credit Manta Raya Divers

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 13 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cozumel, diving, lands' end, reef, snorkeling, Sponsored, swimsuit, swimsuit confidence week

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I’m done with my lady womb.

More done than I am with underboob sweat, and that’s a lot done.

I’m done having the babies to keep for myself and Patrick has been snipped up to keep the tadpoles from reaching through my cervix, so it’s time to take out the whole factory. What more does it do for me than cost money for feminine hygiene products while I ride horses and make me worry that I can’t wear white pants for 5 days a month?

Periods are stupid.

The every-28-day sloughing off the bloody innards of my Texas Longhorn is just another pain in my bagina, and I’m over it.

The obvious questions begs: If I elect to have my uterus removed, can I lay it out in a dehydrator and make it into a healthy Lady Jerky?

At the time I shat out my two babies, I was in the closet about all of this new-age/ancient ritual business that I could eat my own placenta for nutrients. I feel like I missed out on all of those important steps in the bonding experience with my discarded organ.

photo via inhabitots

According to one guy, placenta jerky tastes like “dry, gamy, bland jerky.” So pretty much like all gas station jerky, daddy?

Mayer takes a bit of dehydrated, cooked placenta she saved and ceremoniously places a portion in their open palms. The pieces are brown, shriveled, and brittle—like old shoe leather left out in the sun.

Because nothing is more ceremonious than eating your insides and offering it to your closest and dearest.

Placenta Brisket, anyone?

photo credit Kathryn Parker Almanas via NY Mag

I’m totally down for trying new foods. As long as it doesn’t rhyme with Picken on Chizza, let’s put it in my mouth! Saying that takes me back to my early teen years. Memories.

Or maybe a uterus Teddy Bear? We could trade it around the house to snuggle and keep us warm in our dreams. And if Uterus Teddy Bear got tired of hanging around here, we could send her on trips like Flat Stanley.

photo via inhabitots

Who wants Uterus Teddy Bear first?

At this point in my 35th year of life, having a Uterus Teddy Bear would be more beneficial to my life than the monthly hassle of shoving cotton swabs up my lady hole.

Or if anyone wants to rent out my space for 9 months, I’m totally open to growing your baby.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: being a woman, eating placenta, menstruation, placenta jerky, uterus teddy bear

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Surfing the ‘net in our panties: it’s how we do. Though this picture was taken 4 years ago, it could have been taken yesterday, save for the pacifiers and nakedness. Now it’s just me and Patrick who surf the ‘net in our panties.

Pleasantville School [name changed to protect my kids from you weirdo stalkers] will be a BYOT school beginning August 2012
(Bring your own Tech)
Students in 3rd, 4th and 5th are requested to bring an ipad (tablet devise [Kindle Fire, etc.]) or netbook to school daily. Laptops and other devices which have internet access and good battery are also acceptable (iphone, ipod) .

Each classroom will have several devices which students who do not have personal tech will be able to share and use while in the classroom. However, they will not be able to load personal work or applications on the school machines.

Pleasantville School has always been cutting edge and we plan to continue to move our students forward.

The above was included in an email I just received from my girls’ public elementary school’s principal.

I wouldn’t want to be behind the principal’s desk today. I can only imagine the emails and phone calls with which she’s being bombarded.

Honestly, I’m kind of super excited that this is happening at my girls’ school. I’m not happy that I’ll be the one paying for the new tech my 8-year-old will be toting back and forth to school, but if I didn’t pay for it, the school would have to take money away from other things to pay for it.

They’ve already taken substitute teachers, cursive writing, recess for older kids, non-microwaved food, teacher’s aides, proper art & music curriculum, and copy paper out of the budget.

I’d rather buy my kid her own technology and have control over it than have more money taken out of her classroom. GOD KNOWS, they apparently need more money (or maybe just smarter people) for figuring out how to create and assess a standardized test.

To fill you in, Florida is where the State School Board makes arbitrarily tougher requirements for passing standardized tests, only to get the results back and find they set the passing score too high and have to pass an emergency rule lowering the passing score.

Without it, only about a third of students would have passed the writing portion of the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, or FCAT, compared to 80 percent or better last year.

(Education Commissioner Gerard) Robinson acknowledged some things “slipped through” the Department of Education but promised they would be corrected. The department failed to sufficiently stress changes in this year’s test to school districts and teachers, he said. ~Miami Herald

I don’t want those yahoos responsible for getting my kid the best of what she needs. Whenever I can have control, I accept it without protest.

We are super massively extra fortunate to live in our neighborhood where the elementary school is the #2 ranked public elementary school in the state. Of course, this is Florida, so that’s not saying too much, but out of all the other schools in this assbackwards state, we’re in the tops.

To be one of the best, it unfortunately means making sacrifices. In this case, it’s a monetary sacrifice, and I’m not complaining. In other cases, it’s time sacrifices or discipline sacrifices. But to be the best, the expectations are high, and having been a teacher, I know what it takes and which fights to start.

Buying my 8-year-old $200 worth (I’m looking at you, Kindle Fire) of technology that will help her be a better learner, be a better student, and be a better member of society is not a fight in which I’m participating.

It will be a sacrifice for us to shell out several hundred dollars for her education, but at least we know 3 months ahead of when it’s required. We can be responsible parents by having Anna help out with the purchase so she understands the value of what she’s getting.

We will NOT be those parents who protest the evolution of learning just because it’s uncomfortable and different from how we did things growing up.

We are fortunate to have the opportunity to make this sacrifice.

We’re not above asking for help in supporting our kids, so if you’re buying anything from Amazon.com any time soon, how about using this fancy affiliate link to Amazon so they will pay me for your purchase? My make-believe budget thanks you.

UPDATED with this video that better explains BYOT (Bring Your Own Technology):

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 17 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: elementary school, ipad in school, kids, tablet

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I was on a Mother’s Day cruise to Cozumel for 4 nights with 12 other women and 3 older men.

Unfortunately, they were all related to me. Or maybe I should say fortunately.

Because all of these things happened:

I went snorkeling at 3 different reefs with a Mayan and got my ass sunburned.

I spotted a pod of dolphins with 4 baby dolphins.

I became just a head as I floated away from Mexico with my aunt.

I had a few Rum Punches to ease the pain of stupidity on my sunburned face.

I wore my “Yay Cleavage” t-shirt in a photo with my Grandma.

I drank wine from a bottle in a very classy way.

I drank a tropical drink with an umbrella before we even left the port of Tampa.

I got a video of the dolphins that’s difficult to watch because OH MY GOT, THE WIND AND THE ROCKING.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cozumel, cruise, mother's day

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Yes, finally.

Yes, it took 3-1/2 years of his Presidency to say it.

Yes, he said made his proclamation the day after yet another state outlawed gay marriage.

Yes, it’s true that there may not be any major changes in our laws or national constitution because of his announcement.

Baby steps, friends.

But this isn’t just a baby step; this is a message to every gay, lesbian, trans, questioning person that the President is on our side.

Finally.

Though then-prospective candidate Barack Obama said back in the 90s that he did believe in marriage equality, it’s taken until today for him to solidify his belief that “gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally.”

Unfortunately, too many people in this country believe that civil rights are up for a vote. They shouldn’t be. Every single person should be given the same rights as every other person by Constitutional law.

Until then, we’re taking baby steps and huge Presidential steps to where people are equal, no matter our beliefs or lifestyle or skin color.

I feel like making out with a girl to celebrate this day, and it would look something like this:

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: barack obama, gay is ok, gay marriage

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You know how you have people in your life whom you admire from afar, sometimes letting it slip that you’re madly in love with their talent?

That’s how I feel about Megan. She and I aren’t necessarily best buds or even talk on a regular basis. But I know her, I’ve had dinner with her, and since I started this whole blogging thing, she was one of the first blogs I read with regularity. I have a feeling she likes me, too.

Megan’s blog, Velveteen Mind, is one of those places you go when you want to read with your heart. She doesn’t blog often, and if she did, I don’t think her writing would be as cherished as it is when she does post. I’m probably wrong in that assumption though, because someday soon, she’ll publish a book that wins awards and is a part of required high school English reading.

And I’ll admit, there are some things she writes that takes me a few times to understand because it’s just that intricate and cerebral and well-woven.

But she can’t be too cerebral because she’s in my circle of people. Lordy knows you can’t be too smart and be in my circle of people.

I’m telling you about my girl-crush on Megan because she wrote something that needs to be shared and read by as many people as possible.

A few weeks ago, she shared with her social networks that her daughter, Iris (seen below in her belly, standing next to Heather’s belly with Annie), was having seizures and she asked for prayer and healing energy. The story of what exactly happened and how she saved her own daughter’s life is written at length and with great maternal care on Megan’s blog: I Heard God Laugh. And It Sounded Like Screaming.

As parents and responsible adults, when there is something to learn that could save a child’s life, it’s up to us to share it so that even just one little life is saved.

This is my chance to share what Megan has learned in hopes that someone who reads her daughter’s story will recognize the signs of a Febrile Seizures when the time comes and save a life.

Go read it, love on Megan, and hopefully she won’t run screaming from me for revealing my lust for her written words.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: febrile seizures, megan jordan, velveteen mind

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I don’t know why or how I didn’t notice this before now.

It was only when I had to commit the egregious Crime of Misspelling when entering the “skip the ad” word into the video player box when all I wanted to do was watch Russell Brand go off on some heckler at his stand-up show.

Pee.Ess. As much as I hate ads in videos, I appreciate the ways to skip them, so kudos, PerezHilton.com.

Pee.Pee.Ess. I didn’t even watch the whole video because I was so enraged at Downy.

Pee.Pee.Pee.Ess. OK, so “enraged” is exaggerating my emotions a bit, but I’m not happy.

Amy Sedaris is one of my all-time favorite funny people. She’s in a crapton of TV shows as a guest star where she really just needs her own daily show replacing Chelsea Lately. Or maybe she can take over for that dinosaur, Jay Leno. Either way, she needs her own show, and I would watch it.

Not that this really has anything to do with Amy Sedaris and her funny ladybrain, but she agreed to be a part of this gut-wrenching ad campaign for Downy:

I have the same washer/dryer set that my parents gave us as a wedding gift way back in 1998, so needless to say, I need those wash boosters, and I’ve used these Downy Unstopables. However much this isn’t an ad or endorsement of the product, it does what it should and keeps out the old washing machine smell from my freshly laundered clothes.

But how could I have not noticed that the name of the damn product is spelled incorrectly? I have brought shame on my family.

And seriously, how can Downy, the big bad soap company that they are, have allowed for a product to have been named with a word that is spelled incorrectly?

Right at this very second, I have those tell-tell red-dashed lines under that word up there: unstopable. Even my lappytop realizes it’s not a word.

Ironically, “lappytop” is not a word and has the same red-dashed lines, but I’m not a multi-national company with investors and customers to attract.

I don’t know how these things happen or why they happen or what to do about them.

All I can do is rant on my piddly blog about the injustices done to the English language on the behalf of all grammarphiles (again, not a real word) out in the world.

And as always, feel free to point out the mistakes I have surely made in this post and all others as I am neither perfect, nor am I a multi-national soap company who feels I am above the laws of grammar.

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: grammar, spelling, unstopables, unstoppable

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In my new position as Your Favorite Online Librarian of Smut, I’m reading the suggestions you gave me in the last two posts: Sexy Books To Read To Be Smart. Or Not. & More Romance Smut Book Recommendations.

The overwhelming response to my call out for what I should read was to start the Black Dagger Brotherhood. I’ve actually had the first book, Dark Lover, in paperback since right after I read the Twilight Saga. But since my children are brats of reading age and inconsiderately notice things I do, I decided against reading it in front of them. Now that I’m addicted to my Kindle, I ordered the first book from the library, and waited patiently for it to be available.

And Pee Ess, if your library doesn’t have digital book loans, move. It’s basically free books on your e-reader. For free. I’ve had my Kindle for about 6 months, and so far, I’ve saved what it cost to buy it in borrowing digital books, all in the name of government-funded literacy campaigns. Though I’m not sure having access to free smut books on e-readers is what Mr. Melvil Dewey had in mind when they set up the library system, but I call that a WIN for us!

I’m 1/2-way through the first Black Dagger Brotherhood book, Dark Lover, that I started last night, and holy hell, it’s delicious. Thank Baby Jeebus and Oprah it’s pretty much an R-rated book and not XXX-rated like the last series I read. The Comfort Series was just…heavy to get through.

I haven’t yet read anything about sparkling in sunlight or anyone named Sookie, and since those are the only two kinds of vampires I know anything about, the vampires in BDB seem pretty legit. You know, as far as mythical creatures in a secret society who go unnoticed for hundreds of generations go.

I’m going on a cruise next week, and I’ll need to be stocked up for proper reading on the pool deck with a tropical drink. I need to hear from those of you who’ve read the Black Dagger Brotherhood series.

Is it worth me buying more in the BDB series (at a whole $7.99 a pop!) or should I wait for their availability from the library (I’m no good at patience!)?

© Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] for A Whole Lot of Nothing • Your Favorite Blog, 2012. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: black dagger brotherhood, romance novels, smut books, vampire books

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