A Witty Title.

Oops!

2008-03-14T10:32:00.001+11:00

Someone remained logged in to Google on someone else's computer! Hmm... there are all sorts of wicked things I could do with this accidental privilege, but I think I'll just leave it at this, and sign out.

Well, after I say this:

Matt is the most wonderful man in the whole world! And I get to marry him in THREE MONTHS! HURRAH!

(Sorry Matt - you can delete this if you like!)

Deliriously Happy

2007-12-19T16:10:00.000+11:00

Lara says it far better than I ever could.

I will try to write more later, but as I am at work, I content myself, and you must content yourselves, with her words.

Apologies for the delay in adding anything to Lara's post. She having told the entire story of our relationship, there is not much for me to add. Lara is a woman of unsurpassable charm, from the moment I first read her blog I knew that she was someone I respected for her ability to think and communicate.

It wasn't until we got to emailing later that I realised just how caring, considerate and charming an individual she was.

I have been incredibly blessed to know her, and will be so much more blessed on the day she becomes my wife. I look forward eagerly to that day.

Matt.

The Wrong Brothers

2007-12-16T08:37:00.000+11:00

Flight.

I have a theory. It goes something like this. Humans like to define the boundary. We like to understand exactly where the point is that, once crossed, we will be in the wrong. The reason we want to do this is so that we can go as far as possible towards crossing the line without actually crossing it. So we can 'toe the line'. This is to enable us to get as much of the things we want (but know are wrong) as possible, without actually crossing the line and doing the thing that is wrong.

This perhaps needs an example. I'm going to take this from a Christian point of view, but the point can be extended beyond that. The bible tells us do not commit adultery. So, for example, a man and a woman might go on a date, head back to her house together for a nightcap, smooch a bit, and go as far as they possibly can, but as long as they doesn’t actually complete the act, they will say, “No, I never committed adultery.” And they will be telling a technical truth. In their minds, in their desires, they did, but as far as physically going through with it, they are innocent. They have kept the commandment and can pat themselves on the back.

I hope that the majority of my readers can see just how ludicrous this kind of justification is, but it is a justification that has been used throughout history. Jesus himself had to deal with it. I think this is part of the reason why he says 'I tell you the truth, anyone who even looks at a woman lustfully is committing adultery with her in his heart'. Living up to God’s law is not just about obeying the letter of the law, but obeying the spirit - obeying the ideas that are behind them! The command not to commit adultery is (to my mind) one that springs out of a realisation that adultery is a bad thing. It destroys relationships, it shatters families, it hurts people, and it besmirches the great gifts that God has given us.

Once we understand and accept that, the next step is obvious. The command was to not commit adultery, but even taking the first step down that long slippery road will have similar (but less pronounced) effects. So we should not even take that first step. In fact, once we accept this, we do not need to know exactly where that boundary line is. The only reason to define the exact limit of where we can't go is if we are already toeing that line and living in dangerous territory. We instead know that the boundary is somewhere way off in the distance, and we are going to work really hard to never get close enough to it that defining its exact location matters.

Another point worth noting is that the closer we are to the line, the easier it is to look down and notice that we have accidentally put a foot across it.

Now I want to take this point and apply it to something a little more controversial. I think the majority of people will agree with me on what I have said about adultery, but what about taxation? When asked about paying taxes, Jesus tells us to give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.

I think most people will agree with me that the loopholes in our law which allow the people earning the most money of all in the country to pay close to no tax are completely unfair, and such a thing would be close to if not well over toeing the line here, but what about the rest of us? Should we be hunting for every possible deduction, even the ones that are dubiously justifiable? Should we be paying an accountant hundreds of dollars to find ways to massage the way we express our expenses to fit tax law and thus be deductible?

Or should we just take a step back, and gladly give what we are required to be giving?

(I'm not saying that we should not be claiming anything, just that some of the things some accountants will tell us to claim are pushing us closer and closer to toeing and eventually crossing that line.)

Something to think about anyway.

Company and Marriage

2007-11-11T13:31:00.000+11:00

I have been thinking through a few things recently about marriage (no prizes for guessing why). One thing that has particularly struck me has been Company, a musical by Stephen Sondheim. (Some spoilers ahead).

Company tells the story of Robert, a 30-something single guy, and 5 married couples who are his close friends, while exploring the benefits and costs of marriage. I'm not going to expose the entire plot here, but just talk about a few of the songs that really struck me. During the musical, Bobby develops through stages from single and happy that way, to 'ready' for marriage (but only a little), to struggling with whether he wants the good with the bad. There is no explicit conclusion either way (well... perhaps there is... see later), but I did feel that the balance came out greatly in favour of marriage.

I wanted to touch briefly on 3 of the songs from Company, the ones that I found the most thought provoking.

The first is 'Marry me a Little.'

Marry me a little,
Love me just enough.
Cry, but not too often,
Play, but not too rough.
Keep a tender distance
so we'll both be free.
That's the way it ought to be.
I'm ready!

When I first heard this song, I found it incredibly poignant. Sarcastic. Witty. Clever.

It shows just how far from a healthy view of marriage Bobby is. Marriage to him is about getting the little benefits without any of the costs. It's a view that is probably shared by many people these days. Marriage won't be hard work; I can get the small things I want, as much as I want of them and no more. And it won't get hard. If it does I can always walk...

To me, marriage is exactly the opposite of this. Marriage is about a complete commitment: a commitment to marry not a little, not a lot, but completely!

I love the sarcastic irony of this song sung in such a triumphant manner - 'I'm ready!' Talking about the great revelation that he has had, that he now understands marriage, that he knows what he wants and how to get it. I love how this song is used to show with every line just how not ready Robert is.

The second song worth noting is 'Sorry-Grateful.'

Robert asks his friend, Larry, if he's sorry he got married. This is the response.

You're sorry-grateful,
Regretful-happy.
Why look for answers
When none occur?
You always are what you always were,
Which has nothing to do with, all to do with her.

It's quite an interesting song to me, as it basically presents a completely neutral view of marriage. It presents it as good and bad which balance out. It presents a bunch of contrasting ideas: good and bad, and no real indication which is better. Marriage and singleness: they are the same. Singleness is a neutral state, and marriage is an oscillation between greater happiness and greater sadness.

I like this song because it really challenges me to think about this concept. Marriage is more complex, with higher highs and lower lows. It's complicated. I dislike, however, the feeling I get from the song that these cancel out. The song doesn't explicitly say it, but it certainly feels that way. I do not think that a life full of highs and lows is equivalent to a live of neutrality. In fact, I think that the difference could be closer to that of experiencing life verses travelling through life as a spectator.

A short aside... that's not to say that I think all single people are not experiencing their lives to the fullest. I think marriage is just one thing that gives you the highs and lows talked about here. They are part of living life.

The third song I want to talk about is 'Being Alive.'

This song, more than any of the others, seems to capture my thoughts about marriage. The song is a progression and you really need the friends' comments to understand this. So many people seem to sing it out of context and miss the entire point. They cut out the friends lyrics, and some even skip the early verses which destroys the development and obscures the change in the singer.

I think the song really does speak for itself (so go read it!) Bobby makes the decision that the bad times ARE worth it, if he wants the good. He will put up with the struggles married life will bring, because the benefits DO outweigh the costs.

Addendum:

It's interesting how my impressions differ from those of the creator. Sondheim apparently said,

I find the notion that the same lyric can apply in the first act and the second act very suspect. Most of the time the character has moved beyond, particularly if you're telling a story of any weight or density. Company was a show where we could have used reprises, because it's about a fellow who stayed exactly the same, but I didn't want him to be the essential singing character, so I decided not to.

Big Things

2007-07-13T21:39:00.000+10:00

What is a Big thing?

I spoke (quite a while ago now, but just a few posts ago) about Everest's and Kosciusko's, about doing small things as a way of preparation for big things. About the way we all yearn for a big thing.

Recently I was having a discussion with my sister and I came to the conclusion that what I had said was not quite right. Oh don't get me wrong, it was right as far as it went, but it presupposed something that I no longer hold to be true. It presupposed that everyone will have one (or maybe multiple) Everest's, “Big things”. That they need them.

I think its not unusual or uncommon for people to desire one “big thing”, something to set as their goal in life, something of import. I think its something popular culture pushes us towards. All the TV we watch, any book we read, any story we hear, its always about someone exceptional. We all yearn to be them, because they are the default, the standard that any fictional character must live up to in order to be interesting. And invariably, they have a big thing.

Just to give one example I really like of this, we look at Roger, from Rent

I'm Writing One Great Song Before I ...
One Song
Glory
One Song
Before I Go
Glory
One Song To Leave Behind

Find One Song
One Last Refrain
Glory
From The Pretty Boy Front Man
Who Wasted Opportunity

One Song
He Had The World At His Feet
Glory
In The Eyes Of A Young Girl
A Young Girl
Find Glory
Beyond The Cheap Colored Lights

One Song
Before The Sun Sets
Glory - On Another Empty Life
Time Flies - Time Dies
Glory - One Blaze Of Glory
One Blaze Of Glory - Glory

Find
Glory
in a song that rings true
truth like a blazing fire
an eternal flame

Find
One Song
A Song About Love
Glory
From The Soul Of A Young Man
A Young Man

Find
The One Song
Before The Virus Takes Hold
Glory
Like A Sunset
One Song
To Redeem This Empty Life

Time Flies
And Then - No Need To Endure Anymore
Time Dies

Roger has AIDS, and does not know how long he has to live, but he has decided that his Everest is to write a “great song”. But he just cant do it. This song will Redeem his entire life. It will make up for all the bad he has done, it will make him complete. He is stagnating, not moving forward as he invests his everything into finding this song, unable to move forward at all, to improve his life, because he cannot complete his one big thing.

To take an example from “real life” I have had a few friends who were so obsessed with the idea of having a girlfriend, so in love with the concept, that they had put onto that all the other things in their lives. They would feel valued when they had a girlfriend to value them. They would have all the smaller things, all the little improvements in their lives that they needed when they had the big thing. The girlfriend. So many of the small things, the things they were sure the girlfriend would give them, were thing they could have fixed in their own lives themselves. Minor things, but that they had convinced themselves could only come through the girlfriend. And so their lives stagnated. Unable to move forward. Unable to improve. Because they did not have their one big thing. Their Everest.

This desire is unreasonable, because there is no way in the world that we will ever all be exceptional. Beyond that, I think about the exceptional people, and I wonder. Would Einstein have considered his theory of relativity to be exceptional? Would it have been his Everest? Or would he have thought of it is a Kosciusko? I suspect the later.

Maybe the way we should be looking at life is this. Unless we have one now, there are no Everest's. If one shows up, we should climb it when it comes, but if we never have an Everest, does this devalue our life? Does this make us less? Certainly Not. We can improve ourselves, we can conquer our Kosciusko's, and keep moving forward, keep improving, and when the Everest's do come, we will look at them as molehills. They wont be the big things they were when we saw them on the horizon.

In case you were wonding what I looked like...

2007-04-03T22:23:00.000+10:00

Operatic Endeavours

2007-04-01T08:32:00.000+10:00

I have mentioned this to a number of people, but here is the official notification.

I will be planning a group trip to see "phantom of the opera" starring Anthony Warlow in Melbourne.

The plan will be as follows

Date : 22 September
Plan : I will be making a group booking for accommodation on the night of the 22nd, and for tickets to the show. People will be responsible for making their arrangements for travel down and back up.
Who : If you would consider yourself my friend, and I have met you in real life, then you.
What : ... do you need to do if you are interested...

Email me. If you don't already have my email address it is the name I post under here, chindogu, and it is at gmail.com

Make the subject of the email "phantom of the opera trip"

Let me know how many I will be booking for, and whether they are students/pensioners/some other form of discount.

There is a closing date on this. I need to book the tickets all at once, so we are sitting together. What I plan to do is this. I will take final numbers on 22 April. At that point I will provide final pricing and other details by return email. From there you will have one week to get the money to me (Ill provide Bank details for EFT). I will also make a post on the blog here with the complete guest list (first names only) so you can see who is coming.

Be warned that I expect the cost to be somewhere between $200-$250 (Tickets are $100, and overnight accommodation in Melbourne is not cheap) I suspect it will be twin share rooms.

And in case you were not aware... we will need to dress up nice.. Sorry...

I have just noticed the date.... I am tempted to delay posting this a day so people will not think this is a prank. But It's not. It may be the day of fools, but this is for real.

Blink

2007-03-04T10:23:00.000+11:00

The following is a work of fiction. The views and opinions expressed in therein are those of the individual speakers and do not represent the views or opinions of Matthew.

Blink, Blink, Blink, Blink. The cursor mocks me. Blink. It denies my ability to produce. Blink. It denies my creativity. Blink. My competence. Blink. Confidence. Blink. Blink. Blink. The silence is deafening. I sit enclosed in a shell of my own making. Separated from the world by a barrier of my own making. Alone, And blind. Empty. Blink. I have nothing, No Idea. No Motivation, and no inputs, nothing breaks through my concentration. Nothing motivates me, inspires me. Blink. For there is nothing. Nothing but me, my laptop, and the Cursor. Blink. Mocking me. Blink. Taunting me. Blink.

I am immersed in a featureless world. The features are mine to create. To mould however I deem fit. Blink. Blink. And yet I do not do so. I can not. Blink.

I give in. I close the laptop. The world crashes back in to place, through the shattered shell of my barriers. Leaving me once again immersed in a cacophony of sounds. Noises. Sensations. No longer faced with just the Blink of the cursor, no longer mocked, but instead immersed in a real world. A complicated world. A plane flies overhead, descending carrying flocks of travellers to their destination. They are fully immersed in the complicated world. They are so used to it, and yet still they imagine, desire something simpler, something more pure.

They, and I, feel the pull of fiction, of words written about worlds which do not contain the complications of this one. Worlds of simplicity where there are no loose ends, where everything is wrapped up into a neat bundle. Worlds that makes sense. We want to live in that world, I want to write about it. A world populated by heroes and villains, a world where there is no grey. But I cannot.

The cursor's mocking is because I know that world is not real. I know that the world I want to write of is a fiction, and I cannot bring myself to perpetuate it. People use it to escape. Like I use my writing. They use it to hide themselves from the grey, the noise, the complication. They use it to be a member of a simple, logical, easy world for a while.

No longer will I aid this escape. No longer will I be the source of their barriers. They need to accept this world. They need to seek no longer an escape that fills them with comfort.

I now know better.

I turn back to the laptop. To the cursor that still attempts to mock me. Blink. Blink. Blink. But I am resolved. The story can continue no more. Blink.

Now is the time for reality.

End.

Passion

2007-02-16T19:44:00.000+11:00

Recently, I have been challenged to think about passion. Not romantic passion, but the passion people have to do certain things. Lets take my dad as an example here. My dad has a passion for science. He retired recently, and now he spends even more time doing scientific stuff than he used to when he was employed as a scientist. He has a passion.

In some ways what I'm talking about is quite similar to an Everest. Growing up, I have always felt that I needed a passion, that I was muddling through life, and one day I would find a passion that would show me where I should be focusing my efforts.

The challenging that I have been thinking through recently is this. Do I need a passion. Is a passion necessary for life, or is it something some people will have and others will not? And if it is not, how do you go about living life without one?

It seems to me that a Passion is not necessary, in fact I can see situations where it could be quite detrimental. A married couple who both have passions that are not exactly in sync are going to end up fighting a lot more than the average.

I know some of you are at this point thinking “Your a Christian, you do have a passion, and that is for seeing gods gospel spread”. True, but not completely... The thing is that while that is a goal for most Christians, I think it is fair to say that it is not a passion, at least not of the kind I am talking about. There are people for whom it is, and generally, they are ministers or missionaries. But God did not plan for us all to be missionaries or ministers.

What am I saying? I think I am saying that while I have a desire to spread the gospel, (and also a desire to support other Christians) I don't think that either of these are something I could describe as a passion. Maybe I'm wrong here? Maybe my passion should be for this?

What am I talking about here? Is passion even the right word, or should I be talking about Obsession? That word has quite negative connotations, but it is probably closer to the concept I am trying to grasp. Now don't get me wrong, I think obsessions are important in this world. I don't think scientific advancement would happen without people who had this obsession (along with the ability to do the work) I just think there is a price to them too, and I wonder if it's a price everyone should be paying?

So, here's what I want to ask. Do you feel that you have a passion(obsession?). A driving force that guides your life. Something you would give up and suffer much for. And if so what? Do you think it is wrong to not have a passion? And for those without one, how do you go through life without one?

My Mountain

2006-12-12T23:12:00.000+11:00

Forgive the mixed metaphores. Not intended to be read with my previous post on mountains.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I have built myself a mountain. It's quite a nice mountain, picturesque. I stand upon the top of it, gazing down upon those who do not have a mountain of their own. How small and insignificant they look. I gaze across the plains, looking at others, those who do have their own mountains, much smaller than mine I say to myself.

I stand on the top of my mountain, and I never leave it. I never notice the cast iron chains I have inadvertently wrought. Since I never try to move off the mountain they are anchored to.

Those without a mountain see only a man chaining himself to the top of a pile of dirt and rocks.

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing.

For myself, my mountain is made up of Pride. Pride in my own intellect. Pride in the self-examining way I live my life. Pride in the person I am.

But from my mountain I can look down on others, assured that they are much smaller than me. Never realising that my mountain is a prison, and I look like a fool.

That's my mountain. What's yours.

Home is where the house is.

2006-12-12T23:11:00.000+11:00

Our lives are like houses. What am I getting at? Well houses constantly fall apart. There will always be something that just needs to be a bit better. The same is true of lives. None of us is perfect. There are areas where all of us could be better than we are.

When we have the money and time, we hire a bathroom guy, to fix up that ratty old bathroom, or a painter to repaint those walls, or a builder for that extension. Sometimes if were feeling particularly game, we do more than one of these at a time.

When we have the energy and motivation and time, we try and fix up our lives. Work really hard at changing that niggling bad habit. Try and improve the way we treat others, even those we don't like. Go and see a shrink about our long running depression.

On top of this planned maintenance, there will be disasters. The hot water system exploding, flooding the house. A small grease fire in the kitchen, a major leak in the roof, or a smashed window.

Likewise in our lives we will have minor and major disasters. The death of a loved one. The loss of a job. An argument with a friend.

But through all this there is one thing that is constant. We are never going to be completely happy with our house. There will always be that one thing that needs to be better. Nevertheless we still try our best to fix the things that are wrong. We will never attain the goals. That does not mean we shouldn't try, since the alternative is a house that continually gets more and more run down. And eventually becomes uninhabitable.

A place where no one can live.

On the flip side, it is important to realise that no matter how badly a house has been damaged, whether by earthquake, flood, fire, or a combination of many small things, the house CAN be rebuilt. It will take time, effort and energy, you may need to go right back to the foundations, but any house can be rebuilt.

Don't be Tim “the tool man” Taylor when it comes to your life. It's more important than that.

Everest

2006-11-21T18:47:00.000+11:00

Fox has raised an interesting point in the comments of my last post.

I postulated that it is important to set “stretch” goals. Goals that perhaps cannot even be achieved, because by setting these we continually inspire ourselves to aim for more and more. We force ourselves to grow. Fox on the other hand was extolling the virtues of setting achievable goals, such that we would be able to encourage and inspire ourselves to keep working towards achievable targets.

In a way I think we're both right.

I was having a conversation with my sister a while back, in which I postulated every person needs an Everest. A giant insurmountable target that they wish to attain, to climb. If I was to go and attempt to climb Everest now, I wouldn't make it 10% of the way. I just don't have the skills or experience necessary to do so. That doesn't mean I can't sit down now and say I want to do it, it just means that if that is what I truly want, I need to first find a Kosciusko. A goal I can work towards which is not so insurmountable. But that in achieving, I will begin to develop the skills I would need for my Everest.

So the analogy I'm trying to draw here is this. Kosciusko is what Fox was pushing for. Or at least what I think we should be pushing for in the vein. The achievable goals. But there more to it than them just being achievable. They need to lead towards the Everest. The eventual (unattainable?) goal. We may need 5 or even 50 different Kosciusko's before we can tackle Everest. We may even never get there. But I think it is important to have the Kosciusko, rather than just a walk in the park. Because walking in the park doesn't challenge us. It doesn't make us grow at all.

And so our Kosciusko's have a meaning of their own, but also a greater meaning defined in terms of our Everest's.

So whatcha think? Am I on to something? To the comments!

Extra bonus section – Practical application. It's all well and good for me to say this, but here's the problem. I don't have an Everest. I try to define my Everest and I don't get anywhere. And without an Everest, Kosciusko's are rather hard to define. I can pick a smallish task that I think will challenge me and help me develop skills, but if I complete 5 different unrelated Kosciusko's then I'm only one step towards any actual Everest.

And it's also so easy to pick a walk in the park, and confuse myself into thinking its a Kosciusko. I think I need an Everest, but I have no Idea how I go about finding one. Thoughts? Take that to the comments too.

Pretend it's a seed!

2006-10-30T19:38:00.000+11:00

"When I grow up I want to be a fireman"
"When I grow up I will be better at X"
"When I grow up, they wont treat me this anymore"

I find myself in a strange situation. Here I am, 26, and yet I still don't think of myself as "grown up" There's still so much about myself that needs to be changed before I will be that "grown up" I have always aspired to be.

In fact it occurs to me that I am NEVER going to reach the point where I will feel I have grown up. Where I have achieved everything I needed to in order to be "an adult". This is because what I think of as an adult is completely unreasonable. It's this unattainable pie in the sky goal. This paragon of virtue and competence. Surely when I'm fully grown up, I won't make stupid flippant comments like that and offend people. I won't have all this difficulty knowing what to say, how to act. I'll be perfect. After all Adults are never wrong, and there so much smarter than us non-adults. There figures with so much more experience than me that what they have to say should be considered sage wisdom.

One day I'll be like that.

But I won't. Sure, older people are better than younger on average in these areas. There will be improvement. But my idea of my destination is unreasonable. Its unachievable. Its just not going to happen. I am an adult, as much as I don't want to claim all the responsibilities that come with it. And adulthood is not the cut and dried be all and end all that it first seems. Even adults need to keep growing.

And I have even more growing ahead than I thought.

Intellectual Idolatry

2006-09-19T13:49:00.000+10:00

Ok, perhaps not the most accurate title.. But its snappy.

We have been doing a sermon series recently at church on Christian attitudes to money. This quite challenged me, but it also challenged me on what I considered to be more important to me than god.

After quite a bit of thought I came up with, my own intellect. Ok, that not quite true, I came up with my own intellect almost instantly, but it took quite a bit of thought for me to realize just how right I was.

What do I mean by this? I mean that I consider myself to be quite smart. So much so in fact, that I find myself believing I should be able to solve any problem. If I can't, then clearly it was because I stuffed up/didn't try hard enough. I rely on my own wits to find these solutions. This means that I do not turn difficult problems over to god. I find it hard to pray at times, since prayer for your own problems is basically an admission that you cannot solve them on your own, and you need Gods help. And hey, I believe I can solve them so why would I pray.

This has also spilled over into other aspects of my life however, I find myself treating people differently based on my perception of their intellect. And this is the worst bit, since my perception is focused in on a very narrow aspect of intelligence. The one in which I excel.

So consider this a public apology to anyone I have mistreated as a result of this, and a commitment to work on improving it.

Consider it a challenge to those Christians who have something in their life that they put before god to examine it, and to understand it, and to remove/resolve it.

Consider it a warning. We are not omnipotent. We cannot do everything in our own power. So if we face a situation that is just too complex, too hard, it is encouraging to know that we don't have to. Provided we can be humble enough to ask.

Illusionary Envy

2006-08-01T20:58:00.000+10:00

I know a few of my readers disagree with me on this, but I still think its a fair point. This is a realisation that I had recently, I'm still working through the implications of it. Here's how the logic goes.

We are all envious people.
By this I mean that there are things that every person envy's. That they see others doing well and wish they could do as well. I'm not necessarily talking about a jealous (sinful) envy, but just a broader envy. I look at Steve and his amazing talents with green stuff and I wish I have even a tenth of his skill. I look at Bri's constant cheerfulness, at my friends happy relationships, at many many things that people I know do so well... and I wish I could be like them. Everyone does it.
The things we envy people for are not always the whole story.
“Everybody Lies”. I don't mean this at all in a bad way. But if you are going through a tough time, you don't want to tell the world about it. If you are finding things tough, very few people will know about it. There are extreme cases where this is not the case, but this is the way our society operates. But that's an entire separate post. Suffice to say, people are very uncomfortable letting you see their weaknesses. Consequently, what we see in others is the extreme. The extreme best they can do. Let me take Steve's sculpting as an example. If Steve makes a horrible failure of a sculpture (Which I am sure doesn't happen often these days), then he doesn't show it to us. We don't see the hours he spends in the quiet of his own home reworking things he isn't happy with. What we see is him going away and returning with an amazing masterpiece almost effortlessly. Not only that, he has fun doing it. So we envy him for this talent. We wish we could do what he does so simply and easily. The same is true for many of the other things we envy others for.

So what's the implication of this. Well I had a few thoughts that came out of it for me... but feel free to make your own applications.

I need to be less concerned with how well everyone else does things. Particularly with how confident and sure they seem to be while doing them. I'm not trying to marginalise the great things people do do here, I'm not looking for an excuse to stop developing myself. I just need to focus on me when developing me, not on others. Its a case of being the best I can be, not being better than someone else. That path does lead to jealousy.

I need to be aware that there are probably thing I do that others are envious of. I must admit a bit of curiosity as to what these things are. (If your comfortable, feel free to sound off in the comments or email me about this. I'd like to know ) There's not much I can do about it. But it would probably help to be aware of it at least. And maybe this means I should be presenting my self a little more honestly in these areas.

Relationships

2006-06-19T20:17:00.000+10:00

(I'm betting I have used this title before, but hey)

So here's the deal. I was asked a while back what I was missing in my life, and one of the things I answered was a relationship. The person asking the question then asked me why? Such a simple question, but one I couldn't really answer, and I still don't think I can.

So this is the question I'm putting to you. Why? Why do you want to be in a relationship. For those of you that are, what does it add to your life that you didn't have before, for those of you that are not, what do you expect it to add. Is it just a hormonal irrational response tied up with the need to procreate, is it just a selfish self-serving desire to have someone love you unconditionally. Or is it something more?

I could go on but I wont.. Ill wait till I have a few responses from the audience.

(This may have come across as a dig at those who are in a relationship, that not how its intended, if anything its a dig at Me for not getting it... Help me understand! What should you be wanting from a relationship that isn't unreasonable, or selfish, or wrong...?)

*EDIT* -- As Laurel-li put it, im asking what can this style of relationship give you that a friendship cannot. Just to clarify.

Housekeeping

2006-05-26T21:11:00.000+10:00

Well.. My room is not officially cleaned. Well.. mostly.

However I have discovered something... I am missing a number of books/movies that I am reasonably sure I own. Now I loan things out to anyone who asks, and dont really keep track of things. So I can remember loaning them out, but not specifically who to.

So if you have anything of mine, I ask you to comment in response to this post, so I can make sure I have room for everything on my bookcase.

In particular, the things I am aware I am missing (and im pretty sure this is not a complete list) are.

Dogma (DVD)
Harry Potter 1-3

Thanks!

Matt

Darkness Lights My Path

2006-05-09T18:53:00.000+10:00

Shadow shows life's truth
And ever will remain.
Darknesses to be endured
Unending. Eternal.
So as I gaze into my future
Darkness lights MY PATH.

The shadow clouds my everything
All future joys disperse
My life, my hope, my future dreams
Fade into the mist. The shadows.
I Succumb
DARKNESS lights my path.

Shadows may taint the life I have
Shroud it in mist and shade
But through these shadows light can shine
And darkness faced should not be feared
but instead reforged into light.
Darkness LIGHTS my path.

-- Matthew Aldridge

Happy Endings

2006-04-17T20:11:00.000+10:00

So.. first of all. If your reading this, and you have not read my previous post entitled heroes and responded, then you need to go and do that first. Go ahead... I'll wait.

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You back? Good. Now I'm actually going to get to the point here in a roundabout way, so bear with me.

Depression is a big thing in this world. People don't feel they do enough. People are disappoint in the amount of difference they make in the world. They feel that they could be doing more. They feel that the little they do is not enough.

In my experience, the majority of people think of themselves as failures. Or at least, not the successes they could have been/be.

They look at what they have done/are doing with their lives and they think... If only I could do more. If only I could BE more. If only I was making a REAL difference.

I may be wrong, but I think this is the attitude of many, many people these days. Even if they don't admit it.

Now I'm going to point my finger. I'm going to lay the blame on someone for this. Its our fault. Each and every one of us. But its not quite that simple. See its INDIRECTLY our fault. The mechanise I wish to blame for this is popular culture. The books we read. The movies we watch. Hollywood. And the Hollywood Effect. We have come to see (And now you see, I come back to my original point) heroes (and by that I mean these fictitious hero's not real hero's.. more later) as the kind of people we are aiming to be.

We want to be Luke Skywalker, Triumphing over both his own doubts and fears, and his enemies.
James Bond, who gets the bad guy, all the girls and saves the day. (Not necessarily in that order), or Neo, gaining a complete understanding of the truths of the world, and saving those he loved.

We want a happy ending.

Fictitious Hero's always get happy endings. BOCTAOE (But of course there are obvious exceptions) They have a destiny out there waiting to be fulfilled. They have a place that their life is going and the story will (eventually) take it there.

The real world is not like that. Out here in the real world there are no “real” heroes. No heroes who can obtain happy endings.

Mother Teresa would look back on all she did, and think of all those she failed to save.
Martin Luther would look at the people he was unable to convince, and despair.
Winston Churchill would look at all those that had to die to stop the Third Reich and be convinced there should have been a better way.

We don't get, and cant expect happy endings. What we need to expect, plan for and live with is at best almost happy middles.

Heroes

2006-04-16T17:16:00.000+10:00

So this is just a short post. Its purpose will be explained shortly, but for now, I need you all to answer a question.

When I speak to you of heroes what does it make you think of. Let me be more specific. List the first 5 individuals that come into you mind when I say heroes.

Bear with me, the reason for this will be explained in my next post.

*edit* -- added the below.
Please try to respond before reading other peoples comments if you can.. So as to give me your first reactions, rather than your reactions to other peoples reactions.

*edit2* -- Removed ''s at behest of grammer natzi's 8-)

Minor Housekeeping

2006-04-13T19:39:00.000+10:00

I've (hopefully) added an rss feed, in addition to the atom feed. Link on left.

My Mind, A window

2006-03-09T18:29:00.000+11:00

Imagine this...

We all stand staring at a wall.

Upon that wall is a window, and through that window we gaze out upon all the situations, all the beings, everything that life offers up for our consideration.

In front of us is a control console, sleek and advanced, and upon it an amazing array of buttons, knobs and switches. They are labelled, but not easy to move. It can be done, but moving each one takes a large amount of effort.

Not only that, but some of these controls are dependant upon what is being viewed through the window. When a particular situation, person, or event occurs, these controls become active, overriding the other defaults.

The controls all do the same thing, but in different ways. They effect the way the window is tinted. This tinting seems a minor thing, but it can turn a simple scene into a much more complex one, or a more complex one into a far simpler one.

Now here's the catch, we don't know what effect the controls will have on the windows tint. In fact, we are not even aware of how tinted the window is, since we have never seen the scene behind it without the window. The way the window tints the scene is what we define as the norm.

What do we do with the controls. We can look around and compare them to how others are set. We can randomly adjust them, trying different combinations, we can leave them as they are. We can spend a lifetime playing with them, and still never understand just how they work. We have no baseline. No way to understand the world as it actually is. All we have is how we currently see it.

Sometimes events in the world will be strong enough, that in spite of the filtering effect provided by the windows tint, we still catch some aspect of their true nature.

I guess what I'm trying to express here is a characterisation of emotion. The tint of the window is our emotions, colouring our reaction to events that occur around us. (Not that I am saying this is necessarily wrong).

We can work hard at the controls, trying to get the window tint as clear as possible, but ultimately, we will never know, since we have no baseline for comparison. And would we be any better off?

Assume we succeed, we now see the world exactly as it actually is. We see the truth of the matter. What have we gained. We now live in a world we understand completely, but are unable to understand anyone else's perspective. We shut down the control panel needing it no more, and then wonder why others don't see things the way we do. We forget the control panel even exists.

We feel proud of our success, we have solved the puzzle, suppressed all the controls, all the reactions, wonder, love, anger, hate, the list goes on. Does this enrich our lives? Or does it nullify them? Leaving us automatons, All logic and no emotion.

The alternative is no better, we view the world through our own particular set of settings, our own rose-coloured glasses, our own situation specific tintings. We are over-sensitive to some things, and completely insensitive to others.

We must continue to adjust the settings, to avoid emotionlessness, but we need also be aware of the dangers in doing so, and working to mitigate them.

An Optimist, a Pessimist, a Realist, they are at their most dangerous when unaware of their own nature.

The tinting of our windows can lead to the greatest joy. But also to the greatest crimes. Use the controls wisely.

The Mask

2006-03-09T18:26:00.000+11:00

Compelled it seems to brink of tears
by thankless sacrifice
Of time, Of energy, Of self
The mask begins to crack.

Searching for purposes to life
for goals to be fulfilled
finding nothing of import
The cracks begin to grow

Seeing those I come to know
obtain their hearts desire
while mine remains unfulfilled
The mask it starts to shatter

Emotions locked within my frame
Denied, Ignored, Supressed
come bursting forth without relent
The mask, It lies in pieces

The mask is broken shattered here,
My inner being exposed
But things which strove to break this mask,
Take aim now on my soul.

-- Matthew Aldridge

I wrote this a few months ago, when I was feeling particularly down..

Ok.. so its been a while...

2006-02-14T18:58:00.000+11:00

I'm sorry.

No, Really. I've kinda had a lot going on of late. My life has been kind of full. Well.. not so much full as overflowing. I know there are people I should be calling and spending time with, but its just not happening. I know I should be continuing to post here, but It just seem too much like hard work at the moment.

Expect me to come back soon, and for the meantime... hers a few tidbits for you to look at..

My Johari

Ok.. Theres only one tidbit. Cause the 2 personality type quizzes i was going to do aren't working 8-(

Fillibuster

2006-01-11T14:27:00.000+11:00

Well I notice it's been 2 months since my last post. (I noticed and planned to do this before I got the blogspam, honest)

I just wanted to say, I'm still alive, still here. I do plan to continue this blog into the future, but don't think I will be doins so in the immediate future.

Wishing you all a very happy, if somewhat belated Christmas and New Year.