tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89942275815644670512009-12-01T18:47:36.698-06:00I am trying to beat Major Depressionawahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-48029918078041252802009-12-01T17:21:00.008-06:002009-12-01T18:47:36.706-06:002009-12-01T18:47:36.706-06:00

I finally found a doctor who talks to me and listens to me as if I am a human being of some value and intelligence. I think he's going to either find treatment that works for me, or keep trying til either I quit or there's nothing left to try. I'm very hopeful and this time I may have sound reason to be. I also have a hard time trusting anyone and have been let down so many times (including by

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-92171567872668608982008-08-27T21:21:00.005-05:002008-08-27T22:02:32.111-05:002008-08-27T22:02:32.111-05:00

Well, I must be boring as hell because nobody wonders where I am when I don't post, nobody is impressed with the fact I have finally gotten Depression under my control. It's taken me many years and I am hopefully on a real road to a better life. I'm rather proud of myself. I'd like to think someone else could benefit from my experience and not spend ten long years being depressed like I have. I

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-22338798694570413612008-07-19T18:39:00.004-05:002008-07-20T19:07:53.930-05:002008-07-20T19:07:53.930-05:00

I am home from work. I am exhausted and sore everywhere. I had little energy at work, and what's more, I started having some of the weird shit that was happening a week or two ago with the lack of sleep. That's beginning after 6 days of little sleep, last night I had zero minutes of sleep. It's beginning but it's mild so far. I came home and ate and was absolutely wiped out and laid down but

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-70760234721545537722008-07-19T09:04:00.005-05:002008-07-19T09:57:16.923-05:002008-07-19T09:57:16.923-05:00

Well, as I have said, I am thinking now in terms of actual medical conditions causing me to feel bad nearly every freaking day. And my lack of sleep of course. Last night was my sixth night in a row of poor sleep, and I don't think I slept at all. If I did it wasn't much. I really need to sleep and do not know how to make it happen. I do not want to start being very sick like I was after three

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-72058055353886080662008-07-12T15:45:00.004-05:002008-07-12T16:09:58.858-05:002008-07-12T16:09:58.858-05:00

I am tired nearly all the time. Sometimes just tired, sometimes wanting to do nothing but sleep the entire day away, sometimes feeling like I have no energy at all and can barely maintain a sitting position. Besides being tired all the time I very frequently have stomach problems, every single day it's something. This stomach pain when I eat or drink is new, I think. It doesn't happen every time

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-79711127195578762952008-07-10T12:24:00.002-05:002008-07-10T12:39:38.026-05:002008-07-10T12:39:38.026-05:00

Well I'm already learning some things about my blood sugar. It seems like if it's lower than 190 I don't have any energy. I'm even more convinced that I do crave the sugar sometimes because my body needs it. Obviously I usually try to avoid sugar because of diabetes and also trying to lose weight. But it seems to be why (at least one reason why) I sometimes have no energy. How do I lose weight if

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-80158574252824075122008-07-08T16:49:00.004-05:002008-07-08T17:19:24.293-05:002008-07-08T17:19:24.293-05:00

So I got myself a new blood glucose monitor at walmart today. I got the walmart brand of course, called ReliOn. The meter is $9.00 and the test strips are less than half the price of other brands at 100 tests for $42.00. The test strips are what cost by far the most, that's why these companies are giving away the monitors for free or very low cost - so you buy their high priced test strips for

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-2332962713219133242008-07-08T09:03:00.004-05:002008-07-08T09:31:55.842-05:002008-07-08T09:31:55.842-05:00

I just finished mowing two sections of my yard. I took a short break in between them. My heart barely got going any harder than usual, my breathing too. I don't think I even broke a sweat. This is the difference after having had more sleep. A week ago when I was so seriously behind in good sleep, I couldn't do even the smallest thing without my heart going crazy and becoming very short of breath.

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-12850918298806770342008-07-04T13:10:00.004-05:002008-07-08T09:03:07.932-05:002008-07-08T09:03:07.932-05:00

After three days of laying around sleeping most of the time and feeling like crap, today I am feeling better. Not great, but definitely better. I wasn't scheduled to work for the past two days, I'm scheduled today and tomorrow. I thought I'd wait and see how I feel today and find out if I can work and keep my job or if I'd be sick again and lose it. It seems I will go to work today, so that's a

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-89156047768819063002008-07-01T18:04:00.004-05:002008-07-08T09:03:07.932-05:002008-07-08T09:03:07.932-05:00

For anyone out there who may care, I have called in sick today and it's my second time and I will lose my job if it happens again. So chances are excellent I am going to lose this job. I have not missed work due to depression, and that's a triumph, but it's not enough.I had been feeling so good for months and thought I was ready for a little part time job. The adjustment shocked me because I had

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-56674451644695944942008-06-26T08:01:00.004-05:002008-06-26T08:05:23.036-05:002008-06-26T08:05:23.036-05:00

It's been about two weeks that I've been having trouble sleeping. Most nights I sleep at least a bit, some nights I haven't slept at all. I am working on getting more sleep, but it's hard. It's not the kind of thing you can force yourself to do. One night I was pretty upset, and of course that didn't help anything. I will keep trying.

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-86978749260755136382008-06-18T09:39:00.005-05:002008-06-18T10:27:10.682-05:002008-06-18T10:27:10.682-05:00

Our culture is filled with images of romance and there is a lot of pressure put on women particularly to be with a man. I have known a lot of women in my life who get with any man who treats them nice simply because they want a man (myself included - in the past). I have known women who didn't think themselves to have any worth in life if they didn't have a man. I have known women who think it's

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-30200724489089847542008-06-18T07:47:00.004-05:002008-06-18T07:54:13.296-05:002008-06-18T07:54:13.296-05:00

Loneliness is a terrible feeling. I think a lot of depressed (and not depressed) people are lonely. Loneliness is not about being alone. You can be lonely in a crowd of people. Loneliness is a yearning for understanding, acceptance, and approval. It can be extremely painful and it can cause you to do stupid things, like give your trust to someone completely undeserving. All kinds of terrible

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-45898853552858836372008-06-17T11:49:00.003-05:002008-06-17T12:02:59.464-05:002008-06-17T12:02:59.464-05:00

I overdid exercising the past two days because I really want to get into better physical condition, and today I am sorry. I am not going to work, I feel awful, my body hurts and I just can't face another shift at work today. I feel like it can only be worse than yesterday, and yesterday was bad enough. I'm also having stomach upset today on top of everything else.I am not depressed (which is a

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-11369865108139126342008-06-17T11:35:00.004-05:002008-06-17T11:48:38.239-05:002008-06-17T11:48:38.239-05:00

When you are thinking anything non-productive or self-destructive; when you are thinking about how much you suck, how stupid you are, how you'd rather be dead, how all your efforts are stupid and pointless, how much the world sucks, things you are afraid of, whatever brand of negative thinking you are doing . . . just stop. As a depressed person we dwell on these bad thoughts, we allow them to

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-26649586514585055602008-06-17T07:51:00.003-05:002008-06-17T08:29:29.898-05:002008-06-17T08:29:29.898-05:00

Sunday I walked and mowed the lawn afterwards. I usually do one or the other, not both. And I hadn't walked in a good while. Months. I did this because I am trying to step up my exercise to get myself in better shape. Monday I did the same thing - walked and mowed in the morning. But Monday I also had to work in the afternoon. A six hour shift, which is longer than I've been working. Usually

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-26667331020777117252008-06-16T06:38:00.004-05:002008-06-17T07:51:24.527-05:002008-06-17T07:51:24.527-05:00

It's 6:35am and I've been for a walk already. I went yesterday too. Last night and so far this morning I've been having doubts about myself and everything I am trying to do. If you listen to them, doubts can be devastating. So my strategy is to ignore them. But wouldn't it be nice if they went away and left me alone? You can ignore them but when you're doubting, you're lacking confidence. You're

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-85857936403219297392008-06-14T15:04:00.002-05:002008-06-14T15:10:11.036-05:002008-06-14T15:10:11.036-05:00

Reading my post from the 12th and remembering, it strikes me again how different depressed is from not depressed. I've had plenty of days when I really dreaded going to work and the experience of being at work was so difficult and I had to really struggle. Then there are days like today and yesterday when I am not depressed and it's all fine, and not only is it fine but the whole difficulty seems

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-3972582845431448012008-06-14T13:40:00.007-05:002008-06-16T12:21:59.302-05:002008-06-16T12:21:59.302-05:00

I want to say a bit about taking responsibility.You have to realize that choices you make create a lot of your own experience in life. As long as you refuse to accept that, you are a helpless victim; and further, you are lying to yourself. Everything is not under your control, and I don't mean to imply that it is, but a heck of a lot is under your control. And you do have the choice of how you

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-22118549112472888812008-06-13T09:03:00.006-05:002008-06-14T14:13:29.645-05:002008-06-14T14:13:29.645-05:00

I worked last night and actually felt pretty good. Surprisingly. I worked with my boss. She is extremely outgoing and talkative, she is also about my age and I have had a few little conversations with her and told her a few things about me. You know, like you do when you work with people. Happily, this job is not conducive to employees doing much talking, that's one thing I really like about it.

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-40996893434743597802008-06-12T08:37:00.003-05:002008-06-12T10:16:08.262-05:002008-06-12T10:16:08.262-05:00

I went to see the counselor yesterday. Then I had a very bad night of almost no sleep last night during which she was my main focus of attention. Even though she is very nice, attentive, respectful, I don't think I'm going to go back again. I don't like sitting there telling all of my business to anyone. Telling all my business as she writes what she figures is important. I don't like that if she

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-12359844680206055522008-06-02T09:51:00.003-05:002008-06-02T10:01:13.556-05:002008-06-02T10:01:13.556-05:00

This is another kind of negative thinking that I do sometimes. Many of these types of negative thinking I think I did before becoming depressed, learned from family in my youth (and built upon by depression); but other ones I think are symptoms of depression. This one is a symptom. It's as if a part of my mind is purposely trying to sabotage me, trying to make me depressed, trying to keep me from

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-40794829834241296502008-06-01T14:35:00.006-05:002008-06-01T15:37:13.425-05:002008-06-01T15:37:13.425-05:00

In my previous post I talked a bit about the customers' behavior getting me down a little bit at work last night. That is an example of what I am calling negative thinking. It's negative because it's non-productive and self-destructive. There is no reason to allow the customers' behavior to get me down, and there is nothing good that can come from dwelling on their behavior. It gets me down and

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-26553167155879941252008-05-31T14:46:00.000-05:002008-06-01T10:55:12.744-05:002008-06-01T10:55:12.744-05:00

I'm thoroughly exhausted. I want to spend the whole day tomorrow sleeping. I have to go to work this afternoon. This is the difference between depressed and not depressed. I have a hard time finding the words to accurately describe depression. If I were depressed I'd be possibly crying, feeling an overwhelming desire to curl up in bed, an overwhelming dread of going to work, I'd be considering

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8994227581564467051.post-40059898940546631812008-05-31T09:32:00.000-05:002008-05-31T10:27:25.126-05:002008-05-31T10:27:25.126-05:00

I've been doing pretty well. It took four nights of not getting any good sleep before I finally slept well. I wish I could find some magic way of getting good sleep every night. I have been soaking in a hot bath after work each night, listening to the hypnosis tape a second time, going to bed at the same time each night, relaxing a couple of hours before bed, of course I have the hypnotic

awahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07158122677251833098noreply@blogger.com0