The Martian Invasion of Oz

New Year Predictions for 2016

2015-12-26T05:29:00.003-08:00

Happy Holidays to all of you out there in Inter-webs Land!

It's been a great holiday season here in Oz. The roast turkey trees have been plucked clean and we are all in a tryptophan and carbs induced stupor which induces a kind of mystical trance state in those residing in magically imbued realms. In this condition we are able to peer through the temporal fog and glimpse the major happenings of 2016 and reporting them back to you.

January: UK Prime Minister David Cameron will be discovered to be the source of numerous anonymous obscene emails to Muppet star Miss Piggy. This will lead to a major religious tumult as the nation's leading imams and rabbis will be forced to declare Britain non-halal and non-kosher. The Queen will ultimately step in and citing obscure, historic law to have Cameron locked away in the Tower of London, where he is forced to pose with tourists from Texas for the next 6 months. Stepping into the leadership void for the Tory party will be London Mayor Boris Johnson.

February: The GOP primary will be in a neck-to-neck tie forcing candidates to become ever more creative in their efforts to stand out from the pack. Donald Trump will begin dressing his campaign in brown shirts and finance an expedition to the center of the earth to find the Aryan Supermen of Thule to solicit their endorsement. Neurosurgeon turned delusional maniac Ben Carson will claim to have appointed Jesus Christ as his campaign manager. Not to be outdone, evangelical bigot and former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee will have himself crucified at a campaign rally by Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris.

March: British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn will be scandalized by The Daily Mail when a picture of him eating falafel on its front page is used to validate previous claims that he is a terrorist sympathizer. This is seconded by Tony Blair and both Milliband brothers.

April: GOP presidential candidate and failed CEO Carly Fiorina drops out of the race after claims of having video of Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump harvesting organs at an ObamaCare death panel party are proven to be only old VHS tapes she used to record NBC's "Must See TV" Thursday night line up in the late 1980s. Everyone is impressed by how young Woody Harrelson is in those old Cheers episodes.

May: Under pressure from Euro Skeptics and a resurgent UKIP (with the new slogan of "Now with 25% more racism!") Prime Minister Boris Johnson holds a referendum on the UK's remaining in the EU. The NO vote wins by a landslide mainly because the ballots intended for Scotland were accidentally dumped into the North Sea.

June: The GOP will hold its first brokered election in decades - resulting in the party establishment nominating a Jeb Bush/Haley Barbour ticket, causing Trump to run as a 3rd party candidate with Ann Coulter as his running mate/future wife. Meanwhile, The Democrats begin preparing the victory party for the Clinton/Sanders ticket.

July: Vladmir Putin agrees to support the removal of Bashar al-Assad's government in Syria if US president Barack Obama can pin him three times in a best of five tournament. Obama manages to do it in four matches, in spite of the fact that Putin's manager Nikolai Volkov snuck into to the ring with a metal folding chair and hit the Commander in Chief across the back with it. Luckily, Obama's manager, Joe "The Delaware Demon" Biden was able to intervene and toss Volkov out of the ring.

August: Scotland overwhelmingly votes for independence - in spite of England's promise to dismiss the Scots even more than ever in the future if they stuck together. Wales offers to facilitate couples therapy but England says the one that needs therapy is Scotland for being such a "crazy bitch" and refuses to attend. A long, drawn out custody battle for the Isle of Man commences.

September: At a presidential debate featuring GOP candidate Jeb Bush, Democrat candidate Hilary Clinton, independent Donald Trump and Libertarian candidate Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Trump announces his intention to build "nice, beautiful gated communities" to house the American Muslim population. He also suggests that these communities would be hot beds of cheap domestic labor that will help "us finally beat Mexico and China". The other highlight of the debate is a pink feathered boa sporting Ventura elbow dropping Bush off the stage for refusing to reconsider the American "war on drugs".

October: Most of the media now refers to Hilary Clinton as Madame President. Meanwhile, Fox News begins running marathon footage of Jeb Bush's campaign speeches - putting nearly all of its viewers into comas. Joe Biden announces plans to open up a hydroponics shop in Washington DC following his exit from the vice presidency in January.

November: The UK leaves the EU. Prime Minister Boris Johnson spends the rest of the year sitting next to his mobile phone telling people that in any second Brussels would be calling to beg them to come back.
Clinton/Sanders win the US presidency in a massive landslide that sees the Democrats take both the House and Senate. After much consideration, the GOP decides that the reason they lost was because the party was not blatantly racist enough and changes the party mascot from an elephant to a German Shepherd attacking a civil rights activist.

December: Refusing to believe he lost, Donald Trump still campaigns, seeing a real upsurge in support from red-necks with middle school educations and neck tattoos.

Out of the Fundamentalist Planet - C.S. Lewis' "Space Trilogy"

2015-10-05T05:56:00.001-07:00

So, A year or two after reading the Narnia series, an elderly neighbour moved out of their home and gave my parents a cardboard of dusty paperbacks. Sitting on top of the pile of books was a copy of C.S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength. It had a trippy, psychedelic cover and was supposedly set in space (just like Star Wars!). Best yet, the back cover blurb described it as an "adult novel" or some such wording. Well, being a worldly sorta of boy on the cusp of full on puberty, "adult" meant sex! I was expecting a sexy space adventure - something like the movies they showed on Cinemax late weekend nights staring Laura Gemser. Star Wars with lesbian orgies! Hotcha! Well, I was in for a shock. What I discovered was an at times perverse and bizarre anti-secularist screed disguised as a Nigel Kneale-esque science fiction thriller.

Old paperback covers were the best.

I didn't get it but I did see that it was the final book of a trilogy and decided that Return of the Jedi was not to be fully appreciated without the previous two Star Wars movies and sought out the first two instalments: Out of the Silent Planet and Perelandra.

You really needed to see the first two to get this. Really.

Out of the Silent Planet introduces the series' protagonist, Cambridge philology professor Elwin Ransom, who is kidnapped by dedicated humanist scientist Dr. Weston and his sidekick, the materialist Dick Devine. The pair drag the traditionalist Professor Ransom with them to the planet Malacandra (Mars) in a homemade space ship to work as their interpreter (due to his skill as a philologist) and slave. Weston is working to discover new lands for humanity to expand to while Devine is only interested in laying claim to the copious amounts of gold that litter the Martian soil.

Hiya?

Once on the planet, Ransom escapes and is taken in by the anthropomorphic beaver people, the hrossa (on whom The Martian Invasion of Mars' Hiya Duwin is based on). Also residing on the planet are the tall, slender race of scientifically advanced people known as the Seroni. The two races live in harmony under the guidance of Oyarsa - an eldila, a race of cosmic angels that rule over every planet. Turns out Earth (AKA Thulcandra was under the rule of a fallen eldila (AKA Lucifer) and, to prevent the contamination from spreading to the other planets, Earth was isolated from the rest of the cosmos. Eventually, Weston and Devine (and secular humanism in general) are put on trial by Oyarsa and expelled from the planet.

Ugh! He lumps secularism in with greedy, unchecked materialism and associates it with the "bent" nature of the human race because of Earth's fallen status. This view that humans are corrupted and can only be straightened out by becoming Christians is one of the most dangerous fundamentalist views Lewis expresses - since it paints those not Christian as being of lesser worth than the faithful. This is the kind of thinking that allows Fundamentalist Christians to rationalize bombing abortion clinics or preventing same-sex couples from getting married.

Venus infers?

This bigoted strain of Christian thought continues in the second instalment of the trilogy - Perelandra. This time, Oyarsa sends Ransom on a mission to Venus (Perelandra) to prevent Satan causing that planet's version of Adam and Eve from falling out of grace. The Venusians are green-skinned humans - that being the form of choice in the cosmos since Jesus showed up on Earth. The facilitate his aid in the plot is Satan, who has possessed Weston and goes about promoting a vague kind of "spirituality". Of course, Ransom stops The Devil from causing a second "original sin" from taking place and the pleased Oyarsa sends him back to Earth to carry on the battle against Satan.

Lewis is again banging on the original sin drum and by doing so endorses the basic misogyny inherent in the premise. Venus' Eve, Tinidril, is who Satan intends manipulate to create the "fall" of her race. The possibility of Tor, the Venusian Adam, succumbing to The Devil's scheme is never really considered. Once again we see Lewis presenting women as inferior as their male counterparts and reinforcing the notion that Eve, and by extension all women, are responsible for the "bent" nature of humanity. This is the kind of logic used by fundamentalist groups like the loathsome Quiverfull movement to justify diminishing women.

Mr Bulitude, no!

Things get even more bizarre on Earth during the events of That Hideous Strength. Richard Devine has gotten to work under an alias to set up a scientific research organization that is a front for a Satanic secular humanist revolution. A young professor with a troubled marriage to an independent minded doctoral student is offered a position with the organization - National Institute for Co-ordinated Experiments (NICE). Meanwhile, the institute is attempting to buy land from a local university on which is supposed to reside Merlin's grave. The wife, Jane, has nightmares about the institute and in her attempts in seeking help is brought to the home of Ransom - now The Pendragon (King) of Logres (Britain), heir to King Arthur. How this happens is never really explained.

Ransom is in constant contact with Oyarsa and his people in order to prevent the evil NICE from overthrowing Christianity. Things get weirder from there. The husband, Mark, is framed for a murder by the NICE secret police, headed up by a butch sadist named Miss Hardcastle - who derives sexual gratification from torturing women prisoners. The murder charge is used to blackmail Mark into participating in a series of bizarre rituals designed to make him "truly objective". Meanwhile, we learn the head of NICE is literally the disembodied head of a French scientist and hang out at Ransom's house with his band of disciples, including a bear the Pendragon tamed named Mr. Bulitude. Eventually, Jane converts to Christianity and becomes a good, obedient wife. Merlin rises from the grave and feeds the NICE staff to the institute's lab animals. With that out of the way, Jane and Mark live happily ever after in a Christian marriage and Ransom is shipped off to Venus. The end.

Weird stuff and actually kind of fun if you can look past the vileness of the underlying message. Science is portrayed as evil. Independent women are either vicious dykes or sad, unfulfilled harpies. There is also the old school nationalism on display, with Britain being the defender of the Faith when it comes time to battle Satan. This one has it all - attacks on science, attacks on humanism, homophobia, the justification of killing for one's faith, misogyny and nationalism. If Lewis could have put in a bit about the right to bear arms, it would be a perfect depiction of the Republican Party's world view.

The American Pendragons?

The Curse of C.S. Lewis

2015-09-23T06:40:00.001-07:00

We here at the Emerald City Zen Center have to make a confession - we used to be fans of C.S. Lewis. When we were young, we found his Narnia books quite enjoyable and a damned sight more fun to read than Tolkien's Middle Earth stuff. But we were just children then. What did we know?

The Narnia books are Christian propaganda wrapped up in a package designed to lure young minds to it. There's epic quests, witches, knights, monsters and incredibly resourceful children saving an entire world of fantastic beings. It's like a delicious cake filled with every kind of western mythology with a great big dollop of Jesus in the center.

It's not that the stories are Christian allegory that's the problem, but it's the kind of Christianity that they promote that is most disturbing. Lewis is promoting Christianity at its most paternalistic and authoritarian - no better demonstrated in the last book of the series, The Last Battle, when we learn that Susan Pevensie can not enter the kingdom of Aslan (AKA four-footed Jesus) because of her interest in boys - hence punishing her for discovering and embracing the power of her female sexuality.

Tilda Swinton as The White Witch in the 2005 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe film

In Lewis' Christianity women are to be chaste and meek little things that do as their told. It comes as no surprise that Narnia's greatest villain (appearing in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and The Magician's Nephew), The White Witch, is an ambitious, strong woman. Another popular Narnian baddy is The Lady of the Green Kirtle - the villainess of The Silver Chair, who like kinswoman Jadis of Charn (The White Witch's true name) is a powerful, ambitious woman who dares defy the natural role women are meant to play in society. To underscore how unnatural these women are, Lewis explicitly states in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe that Jadis is descended from a union between Adam and his first wife, Lilith.

The Lady in the Green Kirtle illustration by original Narnia illustrator Pauline Baynes

According to Medieval Jewish mythology and folklore, Lilith was created from the mud alongside Adam in Eden. Because they were both made from the same stuff at the same time, Lilith quite reasonably assumed that she and Adam were equals and refused to submit his will. Adam didn't take to kindly to this and rejected Lilith. To make it up to Adam, God plucks out one his ribs and creates Eve, who, because she is formed from Adam's rib, is naturally inferior to him and is expected to behave accordingly. The one time Eve does take the initiative, she gets her doofus of a husband to eat from the Tree of Knowledge and we all know how that played out. Meanwhile, while Eve was original sinning and condemning all women to menstrual cycles for her fruit picking ways, Lilith went off and became a demon/witch that goes around the world filling men with lustful thoughts and killing new born babies.

That darn Eve!

Lilith was a popular subject for European painters and poets. Being the educated man that he was, Lewis would have been very familiar with the common depiction of Lilith as a beautiful seductress using her sexuality to ruin men. So, when he says that Jadis is not a "daughter of Eve" he is saying that she and, by extension, all women like her are a separate, unnatural race from those of us derived from the union of Adam and Eve. Yikes!

Lilith by John Collier (1892)

This is pretty ugly stuff that is being delivered in the guise of a children's adventure story. So, while children may initially pick up the Narnia books for things like the swashbuckling mouse, Reepicheep,they are being indoctrinated with Lewis' seriously skewed views on women and sexuality. For this reason alone these books should be kept out of the hands of children.

But (like the used to say on the old TV commercials for Ginsu Knives) wait there's more!

Not only is Lewis promoting an especially sexist form of Christianity, it is incredibly intolerant. This is demonstrated in how he deals with the people that live in the Narnian world that are not followers of Aslan - The Calormenene.

The desert nation of Calormen is inhabited by dark skinned people described as having long beards, wearing robes and turbans. Their money bears the image of a crescent and they have an opulent aesthetic sensibility. In every sense the Calormenene fit into the stereotypical image of Middle Eastern people and Lewis makes no attempt to hide it

An original illustration of Tash by Chronicles of Narnia illustrator Pauline Baynes

The Calormene worship the god Tash - depicted as a multi-limbed, vulture-headed demon with a skeletal body. A key component to Tash worship is human sacrifice
.

It's fairly creepy stuff but what makes it worse is that the worship of Tash is very similar to Medieval Europe's beliefs regarding Muslims. Several Christian sources stated that Muslims worshiped a monstrous entity that required human sacrifices as part of their ceremony. A common deity credited to be the god of the "Mohammedans" was Termagant - often depicted as a kind of goat-headed entity in long robes. Termagant is the seeming inspiration behind the depiction of the demon/god Baphomet. One of the key charges levied against the Knights Templar when they were being persecuted and suppressed by the Vatican was that they went native and began worshiping the goat-headed god of the Muslims, Baphomet.

Baphomet by Eliphas Levi

Termagant and Baphomet often showed up in Medieval and Renaissance literature, two things Professor Lewis was quite familiar with. By giving his Muslim stand-ins, the Calormene, a monstrous demon as a god, he was tapping into the same anti-Islam sentiment and fear that those much older works did.

A couple of Calormene nobles in an illustration by Pauline Baynes

It was bad enough that Lewis depicts the only other belief system in his fictional world as being corrupt and evil, but he goes further and plays into the racism and xenophobia of his day by having the dark skinned Calormene plot to destroy Narnia - which represents an idealized Britain filled with Aslan fearing, tea sipping White folks and their equally British animal and mythological creature pals. The dusky Calormene wish to wipe the worship of Aslan from the earth and replace traditional Narnian society with its own. This is essentially the view of contemporary Islamophobes the world over.

In Lewis' Christianity as presented in the Narnia books, there is no room for other belief systems. In fact, any other belief system seeks to destroy the very civilization in which his target audience was a part of. It is not hard to imagine that Lewis wanted this message to penetrate deeply into the minds of the little boys and girls across the English speaking world he wrote the books for.

As if Islamophobia, misogyny and racism were not bad enough, the Narnia books argue for a violent defence of Christianity by focusing on the faith as being under constant siege. Over and over again the followers of Aslan have to pick up weapons and kill in the name of their saviour. This bunker mentality of having to withstand steady assaults on their faith is a common trait throughout Christian fundamentalism as practiced in America. Christian conservatives are constantly harping on about there being a "War on Christmas" or that their religious freedom is being robbed of them by the Supreme Court making marriage equality the law of the land.

An original illustration for The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by Pauline Baynes, showing Santa Claus handing out weapons to the children with which to slay Aslan's enemies with. Christmas has declared war on you!

Perceiving oneself as being under attack and persecuted allows someone to justify any actions they take to defend themselves against these imagined threats. Religious fundamentalists (Christian, Muslim and Jewish) operate from this point of view and that is how they are able to justify the use of terrorism against who they believe are their enemies. Lewis' Narnia books feed into this delusional mind set.

Mike Huckabee and Kim Davis - This is what you get if you let your kids read the Narnia books!

To be continued . . .

Books to help shape your kid into an awesome person

2015-07-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

We here at the Emerald City Zen Center are aware that ours are not the only books out there. In fact, there are like thousands of great reads out there and many of them are for children. Now, anytime a kid reads, great, but some books are like fast food for the developing brain - enjoyable but not really sustaining, and others are akin to the fully balanced breakfast they used to always go on about during the commercials between the Saturday morning cartoons. If you have already read A Zen Master In Oz and The Martian Invasion Of Oz to your offspring, here are some more excellent reads to share with them.

Little Kids -
Farmer Duck (1991) Written by Martin Waddell and Illustrated by Helen Oxenbury

This little books tells the story of a fat human farmer who forces his duck to work as a virtual slave while he grows fat off of the little fowl's labor. Outraged by the farmer's treatment of the duck, the barnyard animals band together for a proletarian revolution. Fantastic stuff to teach your children about collective action, fairness and decency.

The Lorax (1971) Written and Illustrated by Dr. Seuss

The most genius work of the genius Theodore Geisel (AKA Dr. Seuss) lays out the horrors of unchecked capitalism and pollution in a rather grim tale of what happens when people put profit before anything else. While the book seems to end in a quite desolate place, this little subversive tome ends with hope in the hands of a child - demonstrating that our hope for a better tomorrow lies literally in the hands of the next generation. Empowering, silly and a bit revolutionary.

The Paper Bag Princess (1980) Written by Robert Munsch and Illustrated by Michael Martchenko

This gently feminist story turns the princess stereotype on its head. Princess Elizabeth looses everything, including her clothes, when a dragon destroys her kingdom and steals her prince. It is up to Elizabeth, dressed in a paper bag, to rescue the vain and stupid Prince Ronald by using her wits to outsmart the dragon.

Big Kids -

His Dark Materials Written by Phillip Pullman
Vol 1: The Northern Lights (1995)
Vol 2: The Subtle Knife (1997)
Vol 3: The Amber Spyglass (2000)
This series directly challenges the patriarchal, Christian version of the fantasy novel as developed by Tolkien and C.S. Lewis by presenting a story spanning multiple realities in which humanity's freedom is threatened by a God, who is not a creator but a kind of conqueror that uses the Church as the mechanism to control His empire. The fate of sentient beings on countless realities rests on the shoulders of a plucky twelve year old orphan named Lyra. This series does not just challenge the well worn tropes of the fantasy adventure genre, it goes on challenges some of the most damaging heterodoxies of Christianity (such Original Sin) while telling a story filled with witches, proud polar bear kingdoms, intelligent roller skating elephant creatures, angels and so much more. A rather weak big budget film version of the first book was released a few years back. It failed at the box office and may have turned people off to the series. Please, don't let the movie paint what is one of the finest series for any age group ever written.

2015-05-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

We're back from our spring retreat on Europa and ready to get our blog on!

All of that space travel and meditation has our minds filled with sci-fi thoughts. While The Martian Invasion of Oz has a sci-fi inspired plot, its real inspiration was the work of L. Frank Baum and the wonderful fantasy worlds he created. It is kind of a fantasy adventure with some science fiction frills attached. The sci-fi films that we have been most grooving on since touching down at the ol' Emerald City Zen Center have been ones that we think of as "Sneaky Sci-Fi" - movies that are actually science fiction but are disguised as other genres.

Here are our recommendations for some high quality "Sneaky Sci-Fi".

1. Safety Not Guaranteed (2012) Director Colin Trevorrow
What appears to be a comedy about a sarcastic, burn out reporter (Jake Johnson) dragging along two college interns (Aubrey Plaza and Karan Soni) to write a magazine piece on a small town eccentric (Mark Duplass) who placed a personal ad seeking someone to accompany him on a time travel adventure, becomes a funny, poignant reflection on loss, regret and why being able to correct the mistakes of our past via time travel is such a tantalizing concept. It's a movie about why we are attracted to the time travel genre that has nothing to do with hover boards and Deloreans and everything to do with the burden of guilt and regret.

2. Daybreakers (2009) Director Michael & Peter Spierig
At first glance this movie looks like it's going to basically be a Resident Evil movie with the zombies swapped out for vampires, but this dystopian look at a future where humanity has been transformed into vampires by a viral outbreak is about a whole lot more than cheap fang-filled thrills. The protagonists of the film (Ethan Hawke) is a vampire scientist racing against time to create a blood substitute before the world's supply of viable human blood is used up. What he discovers along the way is a human resistance movement, a cure for vampirism (in the form of Willem Dafoe) and a plot by his corporate scumbag boss (Sam Neill) to use the blood shortage to his benefit. It's a film about human mismanagement of natural resources and socio-economic inequalities in our health and justice systems. Good stuff.

3. The Prestige (2006) Director Christopher Nolan
In between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale got together to make this movie that initially appears to be a mystery designed to pay homage to the great Victorian stage magicians. Instead, this story of rival magicians (Bale and Hugh Jackman) being destroyed by their shared obsession for their art has a secret sci-fi heart beating the form of David Bowie as legendary inventor/scientist Nikola Tesla. The film ruminates on obsession, love, sacrifice, art and duality in a package that is a thousand times more satisfying than anything with a guy dressed up like a bat punching a clown can ever be.

4. Robot and Frank (2012) Director Jake Schreier
Set in the not too distant future this film films finds former, dashing cat burglar Frank (Frank Langella) struggling with the onset of dementia and at odds with his son (James Marsden), who has bought a robot companion (voiced by Peter Sarsgaard) to look after him. At first Frank resents the presence of the robot but soon a kind of friendship evolves when Frank realizes that his new mechanical friend is just what he needs to get back into his old career. This funny and sad character piece treats future technology, such as the robot, in such an off handed, mundane manner that you lose any sense of wonder of it and just accept it just as you accept your smart phone and tablet nowadays. This allows the audience to be submerged in the world without being distracted by the bells and whistles that so often accompany looks into the future.

5. The One I Love (2014) Director Charlie McDowell
A married couple (Mark Duplass and Elizabeth Moss) on the verge of divorce are sent to beautiful coastal retreat by their creepy marriage counsellor (Ted Danson). Once there, they discover doppelgangers of themselves that represent their ideal version of the other. The movie uses this premise to explore a deeply troubled relationship and how our expectations and desires are often in stark opposition to the reality we live in. While the film sometimes feels like a Twilight Zone episode that has ran too long at times, as well as having a couple niggling plot holes, I guarantee that you will be thinking about it for days to follow - which is a sure sign of good art.

Listen, Bud, he's got radioactive blood!

2015-02-11T06:30:00.000-08:00

In A Zen Master in Oz and The Martian Invasion of Oz we meet Captain Pug, who explores the multiverse from the helm of his reality hopping steam ship, The Laughing Tortoise.
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Another hero has been in the news lately on account of doing his own leaping from one reality to the next.

Our hero!

The internet has been whipped its collective self into a tizzy over the news that Spiderman will be appearing in the superhero blockbusters produced by Marvel/Disney. Prior to the announcement this week by Sony Pictures and Marvel that the Web Head will be hanging out with Captain America and the Black Widow on screen, such a prospect was a pipe dream for fans of the Marvel comic books and films.
The path towards this announcement is pretty twisty (as I supposed any journey from one universe to another should be). It starts in about 1984, when legendary low-budget film maker Roger Corman was able to secure the film rights for Spiderman from Marvel Comics. Unable to get his web slinger flick off the ground, Corman let the rights to the property lapse.

Corman says "hi".

In 1985, mid-budget studio Cannon Films, headed up by shlock peddling Israeli cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus (if those are not the names for a couple of super villians, what is?), secured the rights to Spiderman, with the understanding that if a film did not appear by 1990, the rights would revert back to Marvel.

Golan/Globus have some time shares they want to sell you.

The cousins did not have a clue about the character and thought they were going to make a horror film. So, they hired legendary horror director Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre1-2 and Poltergeist to name a few). Hiring Hooper seems to be about the only good idea Cannon Films managed to have. Golan/Globus commissioned a script in which Peter Parker gets the ability to transform into an eight-armed spider mutant and spends the film fighting an army of other animal themed mutant monsters.

Freaked out by what was about to happen to his most famous creation on the big screen, Stan Lee stepped in and forced a new script to be commissioned that would more faithfully adapt the comic book character. Golan/Globus had a new script that now featured a much more familiar Peter Parker in college gaining his powers in the same accident that gives Doctor Octopus his. While this sounds like it might be on the right track, the fact that low-rent action hack Joe Zito was hired on as director is evidence that this would have been a pretty bad movie.

This is the kind of magic Joe Zito creates!

That bullet was dodged by all Spiderman fans when the budget for the proposed Zito-helmed flick was cut significantly due to Cannon losing a fortune on the failures of Superman IV and Masters of the Universe (a movie that we here at the Emerald City Zen Center have a great deal of undue affection for). This caused Zito to leave the project, making room for the king of modern day low-budget crap cinema, Albert Pyun.

This is Pyun's really terrible Captain America. What atrocity would he have inflicted on Spidey?

Before what could have been the worst superhero movie ever could be made, Cannon went bankrupt I 1989 and Golan/Globus split up. As part of the split, the company that bought Cannon gave Golan 21st Century Film Corporation and the movie rights to Spider-Man and Captain America.

Wanting to make good on this really excellent severance, Golan continued his efforts to get a Spider-Man picture made. In 1990 he managed to bring together up and coming independent film studio Carolco Pictures and big Hollywood studio Columbia Pictures for a big budget adaptation of the comics, to be written and directed by James Cameron, that would have featured some seriously PG-13 language and a steamy sex scene between Peter Parker and Mary Jane. Carolco was so jazzed about the proposed film that in 1992 they paid Marvel to extend Golan's film rights for Spider-Man character up to 1996.

James Cameron also knows where Jesus is buried. For real!

It looked like smooth sailing, but everything was derailed in the courts. As part of his contract, Cameron had the right to determine who received credit on his movie and he did not want Golan's name on it. In retaliation, Golan sued Carolco and Columbia. 20th Century Fox got into the game by suing Carolco and Columbia for using Cameron, because they believed he had an exclusive agreement with them. 21st Century Films and Carolco went bankrupt. MGM bought the assets of 21st Century Films and sued Viacom (who had bought Carolco's assets) and Marvel. Needless to say, no movie got made and in 1998 the courts gave the film rights to Spiderman back to Marvel.

In 1999, Marvel sold the film rights to Spiderman to Columbia, now owned by Sony. MGM intervened and threatened legal action, since it still considered itself the legal owner to the film rights. MGM and Sony then cut a deal in which Sony would give up its attempts to make its own James Bond film series and MGM would lay off its Spider-Man claims.

Admit it, you totally thought this was kind of hot when you first saw it.

With the legal wrangling out of the way, Sony pushed forward with its movies and finally, in 2002 (18 years after this saga began) Sam Raimi's pretty much excellent Spider-Man was released to huge box office returns. This was followed by Raimi's awesome Spider-Man II (2004) and the not-really-all-that great-at-all, but not as bad as some people make out, Spider-Man III (2007).

Yeah, the Green Goblin in these movies does look pretty goofy.

Meanwhile, Marvel set up its own film studio and got out of the business of licensing its characters to other studios. The first film it released, Iron Man (2008), was way better than anyone could have anticipated and laid the ground work for a series of faithful adaptions of Marvel characters to the screen, all of which occurring in the same shared universe, the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). Each film put out by Marvel has been pretty damned good, except for Iron Man II, which is really problematic.

They turned this into cinematic gold, what can they do with Peter Parker?

Marvel was striking gold for itself with films about Thor, Captain America, Iron Man and The Hulk, Sony was fumbling the ball pretty badly. In 2010, the cancelled Sam Raimi's proposed Spider-Man IV and announced that they were going to reboot the franchise with the aim of creating an expansive universe based around Spider-Man and his supporting cast, with spinoffs etc. coming to a theatre near you in order to emulate the MCU.

Are they about to kiss? Now, that would be an interesting movie!

The result of this was 2012's thoroughly forgettable The Amazing Spider-Man, perhaps only notable for its excellent casting. While not as successful as the previous Raimi films, Sony remained optimistic and brought back director Marc Webb to make the universally panned The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and announced plans for a spinoff film starring the Spider-Man villains The Sinister Six. Unfortunately for Sony, the second Amazing Spider-Man film did not generate the money anticipated, throwing all of the studio's Spider-Man Cinematic Universe plans into chaos.

This is why you get to watch a movie with Spider-Man joining The Avengers!

Meawhile, Sony was producing another movie titled The Interview (2014), starring James Franco (who played Harry Osborn in the Raimi Spider-Man movies) and Seth Rogen, who was also the co-director and writer. The premise of the film is that two goofball American journalist get enlisted by the CIA to kill North Korean despot Kim Jung-un. When North Korea's Supreme Leader heard about the movie, he lost his shit. He saw the fact that a Japanese company funding an American film about his assassination as an act of war. In retaliation he had hackers break into Sony Pictures' computers and leak all sorts of information about the goings on of the studio onto the internet. In retaliation for an attack on an American film studio, The American government used its own hackers to shut down access to the internet in all of North Korea.

"Tell everyone on Ain't It Cool News that Set Rogen is so gay!"

What was revealed was that Sony Pictures was completely in panic mode over the less than stellar performance of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and were now discussing bringing back Sam Raimi to save the franchise with a new trilogy. It was also revealed that the studio heads had been in talks with Marvel/Disney (who had purchased Marvel Comics) to bring Spider-Man into the highly coveted MCU family of films. But, negotiations were stopped by Sony Pictures heads that did not want cede any creative control to Marvel.

When the heads of the Sony Corporation in Japan got word of this, they were plenty pissed. Why would a studio haemorrhaging money not want to partner up with the undisputed kinds of making superhero movies? The email leaks were in December 2014 and the announcement that Sony and Marvel/Disney were now going to partner up to make Spider-Man's cinematic outings came in early February 2015, shortly after some serious shake ups at Sony Pictures. Seems like somebody came from Japan and made heads role in Hollywood.

The plan is now for Spider-Man to appear in Marvel/Disney produced films set in the MCU and for Sony to make Spider-Man solo films set in the MCU. It also means that all of the continuity that Sony was building up for its proposed Spider-Man Cinematic Universe will be scrapped, with the strange caveat that The Sinister Six movie is still in the pipeline, only to be delayed.

So, we are going to get new directors and new actors but Spider-Man will still be Spider-Man. It's a heck of a long way to go to get form one universe to the other, but at least he made it all in one piece. We hope.

Let's talk politics - Libertarianism and perpetual adolesences.

2015-02-02T04:29:00.000-08:00

In The Martian Invasion of Oz, the Parliament of Oz's committee on lunches is stuck in a stalemate over whether to serve parliament's lunches buffet or family style. The reason for this is the philosophical disdain Prince Rand of Pauland has for family style dining. The Prince comes from a nation of small, anthropomorphic, naked mole rat people that live according to a Libertarian philosophy that dictates doing anything for anyone else demeans the person having the thing done for them and steals from the person doing that thing, since it should not be anyone's responsibility to do anything for anyone else. Of course, the other members of the committee, being right-thinking Ozites, are opposed to Prince Rand's selfish world view.

Prince Rand of Pauland?

The King of Pauland!

Prince Rand is modelled after the American senator Rand Paul of Kentucky. Senator Paul is the son of former congressman Ron Paul of Texas and to understand the son you first need to understand the old man.

Ayn Rand - Advocate for open marriages and rape

Ron Paul was a doctor in Texas seriously enamoured with the writings of Ayn Rand, who espoused her philosophy of Objectivism through her work, most famously in the novels Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. Objectivism basically states that there is nothing more important than the individual and that the purpose of life was to pursue your own individual happiness and any systems that impede achieving this happiness are immoral, this includes any political systems that focus on the collective of whole of humanity, such as socialism, communism or any kind of political restraint or oversight. Rand and her philosophy venerate unfettered capitalism as the ultimate system to allow people to achieve their individual greatness. Any closer look at this belief system reveals that it is codified selfishness but it appeals to a lot of people.

Rand's philosophy is especially appealing to adolescent boys who feel that they are being held back by their schools, parents, society etc. from being really bitching and awesome. If only everyone would just get off their backs, they'd show everyone how amazing they are! One day, when they get out of their folks' house, you'll see.

Luckily, most of us grow out of this state of mind. We realize that we need the rest of society to help us achieve happiness and that a lot of the things that we were getting so pissed off about were really there to help us develop into decent human beings and not sociopathic jerks. In other words, we grow up.

Not all of us do though. Some people never leave that perpetually agitated and selfish adolescent state of mind. One of these poor developmentally arrested folks was comic book legend Steve Ditko (co-creator of Spiderman), who created the characters The Question and Mr A to embody Objectivists philosophy in the superhero world. It's no surprise that a person who spends their life writing about men who buck the limiting laws of society to implement justice at a level governments can not would be drawn to Objectivism. Mr Ditko never got over his love affair with Ayn Rand's thinking, but thankfully the comics industry did. In the 1980s, DC Comics transformed The Question's violent Objectivism to a more mystical Zen-influenced outlook.

Mr A. - Ron Paul's secret identity.

Ron Paul is another person stuck in perpetual adolescent angst and holds tightly on to Rand's wish fulfilment narrative. When Richard Nixon ended the dollars' direct association with gold, mild mannered obstetrician Ron Paul decided he was the one who had fight a gallant crusade to defend holy Capitalism from destruction. After a couple of defeats, he entered the House of Representatives in 1976. From 1976-1985, Paul became closely associated with fellow Rand devotees, the billionaire capitalists Koch Brothers and their organization Citizens for a Sound Economy, which pretty much created the whole anti-Obama, pro-angry white man Tea Party movement.

The Koch Brothers - Beware!

In 1985, Ron Paul lost his bid for a senate seat. Not one to sit on his laurels, he began publishing his Objectivist/Libertarian newsletters, The Ron Paul Report and Ron Paul Survival Report, through which numerous homophobic and racist articles were printed. In 1988 Dr Paul joined the Libertarian Party and for President, ostensibly to promote his Objectivists ideals on a bigger stage. In 1992 he opted to stay out of the Presidential elections and instead through his support behind former Nixon speech writer/TV personality/Holocaust denier Pat Buchanan's failed effort to challenge George Bush the Elder in the Republican primaries.

Paul returned to the House of Representatives in 1997 as a Republican and served until stepping down from office in 2013. In 2008, he decided to have another go at the White House and this time he hit pay dirt. The guy became an internet sensation with angry white guys obsessed with 9/11 conspiracies and pot heads who ignored all of the horrible things he wanted to do, like end social security etc, because he would end The War on Drugs. He became a kind of icon to the stoned and paranoid set and gave GOP frontrunner John McCain quite a lot of grief and exposed the alleged war hero as the weak national candidate he really was, setting up Obama for his victory in the general election.

Having planted the seeds of Rand inspired political selfishness, Paul made another bid for president in 2012. Again, he made life miserable for another weak Republican front-runner, this time the hapless Mitt Romney. Of course, he loss and Romney wobbled into the general election to be clobbered by Obama. But the damage has been done. The senior Paul left the national political scene with the stage set for a new generation of Objectivist demagogue in the form of his son, Randall "Rand" Paul.

Social Security, Mocial Mecurity, he will legalize weeeeeeeeeed!!!!!

The younger Paul was raised in his father's cauldron of White privilege, greed, self-aggrandizement and moral self-righteousness. A doctor like his old man, Rand Paul became popular with his father's followers while giving speeches on the campaign trail in 2008. He was embraced and in turn embraced the Koch Brothers' Tea Party madness and was elected as a Senator for Kentucky in 2010.

Combining his father's Objectivist influenced philosophy with the more socially conservative mindset of the Tea Party base, Rand Paul has become a hot item in Republican circles. He is intent on ending all restrictions on Capitalism; such as the EPA, FDA, gun control and basically any oversights on how business is conducted in the United States of America. At the same time, being the politically astute heir to his father's throne, his Objectivism ends when it comes to the government intervening in a woman's reproductive rights and supports legislation to outlaw abortions. Likewise, the right of an individual to achieve happiness ends when it comes to Gay people marrying. Rand Paul is opposed to legalizing Gay Marriage, because you know, its icky or something.

With the 2016 presidential elections looming, Rand Paul is being spoken about as a serious contender for the Republican nomination. He is sure to appeal to a lot of those angry white guys worked up over conspiracies about 9/11 and false flag operations at school shootings while they listen to Rush and smoke bowls full of low grade weed bought off of their neighbor's stepson. I just hope the rest of the nation does not get sucked into his con.

Life on Mars - Our other favorite Martians; Part 1 - Ziggy Stardust

2015-01-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

Ziggy Stardust - In 1972, David Bowie transformed himself into the extra-terrestrial psychedelic, bi-sexual leader of the alien rock band, The Spiders From Mars(themselves named after a 1954 UFO sighting above an Italian soccer stadium that was later credited by officials to migrating spiders).

The height of early 1970's Martian fashion

Ziggy came to earth to warn the population that it needed to get its act together before the planet's impending demise. Unfortunately, hedonistic Ziggy became consumed by the rock and roll lifestyle and was destroyed by drugs, sex and the adulation of his fans before his job was done.

Alien fashion icon.

Ziggy may have failed in his mission to save the human race, but what was accomplished was Bowie ascended to icon status and became the kind of Pope of Glam. His time as Ziggy set Bowie on a course of ever changing stage personas and constant musical experimentation that has made him one of the few rock stars of his era that are as still as prescient as they were in their youth.

The cultural impact that Ziggy had can not be overlooked. His sexual ambiguity and androgynous looks inspired numerous pop stars that came after. The 1980s was the decade where Ziggy's offspring really sprang into the public eye. Robert Smith of The Cure, Adam Ant, Boy George, Morrissey, Annie Lennox and other pop stars of the Reagan/Thatcher era who played with gender and sexual identity through either behaviour or eye-shadow can all trace their lineage to Ziggy Stardust. The effect these sexually ambiguous performers had on culture as a whole was to help soften views on sexual conformity and create acceptance of LGQBT people within the mainstream. Flash-forward a few decades and you have a world in which Marriage Equality is the law of the land in the vast majority of the USA and Europe. Without Ziggy Stardust, none of this may have been possible.

Perfection captured on vinyl

Musically, the impact of the two Ziggy Stardust albums, The Rise and Fall Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars and Aladdin Sane, are two of the most influential albums of all time, representing an evolution of rock music as transformative as the one caused by The Beatles in the 1960s. The sound of these albums, especially that of Spiders' guitarist Mick Ronson, can be heard throughout the punk and later alternative rock movements.

Bowie really, really likes Ronson's guitar playing. I mean, really likes it!

Pretty good stuff for a failed space-age messiah.

The Rottenest of the Undead.

2015-01-16T09:40:00.002-08:00

We here at the Emerald City Zen Center love us some zombies and in The Martian Invasion of Oz we introduced the Ozombies, led by Gabraham Stinkin. That said, we don't love all the zombies that have been put out there. Here are three zombie films that we highly recommend you avoid.

1. Against The Dark (2005)

That coat button is about to shoot off and go right through a zombie's brain. Well played, Seagal.

Imagine a world in which a plague has transformed the majority of the population of the planet into vampire-like zombies. You flee for your life and barricade yourself in a hospital to avoid the horde of ghouls from ripping you to shreds. Things look bleak indeed but take hope! Help is on the way - in the form of bloated, right-wing, ego-maniacal, mumble-mouthed, zero-charisma having has-been Steven Seagal and some nameless sidekicks dressed like geeks everywhere did right after The Matrix came out in 1999. The problems with this straight-to-video, Romanian produced brain haemorrhage of a film are legion but if you're making a zombie picture in which your unstoppable horde of flesh-eating fiends is easily defeated by the sluggish sword play of a well past his prime Steven Seagal, you have some pretty lame zombies on your hand. I mean, the guy can hardly bend!

2. Dead At The Box Office (2005)

One of those where you wish the film makers would have spent the money it cost to make this movie on cyanide instead.

A mysterious film canister containing a Nazi experimental film somehow ends up in a Chicago area cinema. When it is played, the audience is transformed into zombies. Not the worst premise ever but the execution makes you beg to be executed. This Gary, Indiana filmed no-budget, eye-gouge inducing piece of blech is an example of why the democratization of the media via digital technology is not exactly going to lead to a utopian future. With its poor lighting, horrible acting, sloppy cinematography and Kevin Smith-wannabe dialog, this could be one of the worst things to ever happen to the horror film genre. We attended the premiere of this hot-mess nearly a decade ago and there are parts of our brains that have still not returned to their normal state after being atrophied by this miserable excuse for a movie.

3. Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)

If only the movie was half as interesting as this poster.

A group of actors are led to an island somewhere near Miami but their director, who is the most annoying person on the planet. This young, vaguely hippy-ish film troupe end up having to deal with the not-at-all funny practical jokes of their director, played by actor/director/make-up artist/doll-maker Alan Ormby, who in the midst of the lame-hijinks accidentally raises the dead when he stages a kind of black magic ceremony. Director Bob Clark went on to make the classic slasher-film Black Christmas (1974); the inexplicably popular, unfunny, teen sex-comedy Porky's (1982) and the holiday classic A Christmas Story (1983) but this tedious piece of low-rent junk has none of the tension of Black Christmas or the humour of A Christmas Story, but it does have all of the unfunny of Porky's. When the zombies finally do show up, about half-way through this soul killer, you just hope the cheap looking things quickly do away with the cast so you can work on self-inflicting head injuries in the hope that you will lose the memory of having seen it.

Predictions for 2015

2015-01-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2015! This is the year that Griff Tannen smashes up the Hill Valley courthouse and the Chicago Cubs beat Miami to win The World Series. These are well known and documented future events. We here at The Emerald City Zen Center have contacted our old friend Captain Pug, whose exploits have been documented in A Zen Master In Oz and The Martian Invasion of Oz (both available now on Amazon's Kindle service), to pop into his reality hopping steamboat, The Laughing Tortoise, and find a universe where time is running a year ahead of ours. He brought back several amazing insights into the year ahead. We have sifted through them and present our top 5 predictions for 2015.

1. Nigel Farage revealed to be a Muppet: The leader of the anti-EU, anti-immigrant, anti-progress and pro-banker UK political party UKIP, Nigel Farage, will be revealed to be a puppet that escaped from the Henson Creature Shop.

2. Rand Paul actually appreciates the FDA - Libertarians (racists who like to smoke pot and make themselves look smart by spouting off about Ayn Rand's objectivist crap philosophy) will be devastated when in an unguarded moment, Rand Paul admits that he is glad that the Food and Drug Administration is around to keep the acceptable levels of rat faeces in his peanut butter as low as possible without ruining the taste

3. UK Prime Minister declares his love for actor/comedian/social activists Russell Brand at a press conference in front of 1 Downing Street. At an anti-bedroom tax rally in London, Brand is surprised by Cameron parachuting in with an engagement ring to pop the question.

4. Barack Obama defeats invading alien force single handily and FOX News complains he did not do it fast enough - An invading fleet from the planet G'rx arrives to enslave the human race this year. Thankfully, President Obama is able to reveal that he had been trained as a child for just this moment. After destroying the fleet and killing the G'rx emperor in a sword fight, the world rejoices. Fox News' Sean Hannity questions if it really should have took the president an evening to repulse the alien invaders. He goes on to state his belief that the delay on the president's behalf was politically motivated.

5. Dalai Lama releases number one selling dance track of all time - The dance floors of the world pulsate with the deep grooves of Tenzin Gyatso - the 14th Dalai Lama's dub-step inspired dance track, Bodhisattva Booty, drops on an unexpected public this summer.

H.E. Double Hockey Sticks! Our Top 10 Demons

2014-12-29T07:02:00.001-08:00

In The Martian Invasion of Oz, we are introduced to Floyd, The Cthulhi of Oz. He is a pacifistic spawn of H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu that wants to give up the life of bloody conquest and defilement for a peaceful existence in the Land of Oz. In honour of Floyd, here is a look at some of our favourite demons.

10. Pazuzu - This ancient Babylonian "king of the wind demons" is the god of the Southwest wind and the bringer of famine and locusts. He was such a nasty number that he was invoked to drive off all of the other evil beings out there. He would have faded into obscurity if it were not for William Peter Blatty's novel The Exorcist and its film adaptation.

9. Asmodeus - The son of the biblical King David and a succubus, he is the demon of lust and is one of the embodiments of the Seven Deadly Sins. He is documented in The Book of Tobit, Talmud and other sources as being a real jerk to anybody that gets in between him and any lady that he fancies. He's also wicked looking, with three heads (bull, ram and man), one rooster's leg, a serpent's tail and rides around on a lion with dragon wings. He cuts quite a figure.

8. Mara - This tempter demon tried to lure Buddha away from his meditation prior to reaching enlightenment. He turns the mundane into the irresistible, distracting us from the spiritual path.

7. Randall Flagg - AKA Walter O'Dim, Martin Broadcloak and numerous other aliases. He is the embodiment of evil spreading chaos and discord as he struts his way through Stephen King's multiverse as laid out in The Stand, Dark Tower Series and Eyes of the Dragon. He brings down civilizations for fun and is responsible for more dirty deeds than an army of NFL prospects.

6. The Crimson King - Stephen King's offspring of a demon and Arthurian-type hero Arthur Eld, seeks to destroy the order of the multiverse in order to rule in the chaos that would remain. He is Randall Flagg's boss and his malevolent influence is responsible for all of the evil supernatural doings in King's work.

5. Pinhead - The leader of Clive Barker's Cenobites in his novella The Hell Bound Heart and star of the Hell Raiser film series, Pinhead leads the S&M themed Cenobites on their mission to inflict suffering on anyone unlucky enough to solve one of the puzzle boxes that lead to the realm of their dark god, Leviathan.

4. It - The nameless, shape-changing demon that liked to go hunting kids in the guise of Pennywise the Clown in a small Maine town in Stephen King's novel, It. He is a sworn enemy of the Maturin the Turtle, a giant, benevolent being that barfed the universe into existence. This makes him one of King's most obvious "Devil" analogues.

3. Baphomet - Originally conceived as the icon worshipped by The Knight Templars in anti-Templar propaganda in the 14th Century, the goat-headed demon was adopted as a symbol by Anton LeVey for his Church of Satan in the 20th Century. This gives him some pretty good demonic street cred.

2. Moloch - According to The Old Testament, this ancient Canaanite god was the focus of sacrificial child sacrifice. While this may have been a misinterpretation of the Minotaur myth, the bull-headed Moloch has become associated with oppression and greed.

1. Lucifer - Hmmmmm . . . . Could it be Satan? Yes, yes it is. Old Scratch, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles and on and on. Western Civilization's greatest anti-hero/bogeyman. The one Milton had intone "Better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven" is the king numero-uno of demons, even more so than Ronnie James Dio or King Crimson!

Santa Claus . . . Man of Action!

2014-12-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

It seems quite likely that the kindly, fat, old, child loving, present giving Santa Claus we all know and love is actually the king of the Norse Gods, Odin, in disguise. Don't believe me? Click here, Jackson, and see for yourself! While Coca-Cola and countless low-budget animated TV specials have tried desperately to transform him into a cuddly, saccharine-sweet eunuch with the sole aim of selling as much cheaply made tat as possible during the Christmas season, some of Odin's edge can still be found in popular depictions of the original Big Red Cheese.

While the brief appearance he makes in The Martian Invasion of Mars is not one in which he shows off his more "Die Hard" side, we here at the Emerald City Zen Center really dig a tough-guy Santa. Here are our 3 favourites.

1. Doctor Who: Last Christmas (2014) - This year's Doctor Who Christmas special featured comedian Nick Frost as a take charge, no nonsense Santa Claus that rides Rudolph like the Lone Ranger rides Silver. He's a monster fighting, tough talking, monster stomping Kris Kringle come to the rescue of Clara and The Doctor as they try to find their way out of the Inception-esque dream puzzle the creepy Dream Crabs have trapped them in.

Hi-ho, Rudolph!

2. The Rise of the Guardians (2012) In this animated team up of Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Sandman and Jack Frost, St Nick is a sword wielding, powerfully built, tattooed Russian known as "North" (played by famed Hollywood whacko Alec Baldwin) who leads his team of folkloric children's heroes in battle against the forces of the Boogieman. Adding cool points is the fact that along with the traditional elves, this Santa has an army of yeti assisting him.

North ready to whittle down that naughty list

3. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (1950) This is probably the most disturbing depiction of Santa but does fit in with his old Norse roots. In the novel that kicks off The Chronicles of Narnia series of allegorical Christian-themed children's fantasy books, Santa shows up to deliver weapons to the Pevensie kids with which to wage war with. As thoroughly creepy as a weapons dealing Santa Claus might be, it is one of the least problematic aspects of the C.S. Lewis' Narnia work. Still, there is something so perverse about Kris Kringle doling out lethal weapons to kiddies as though they were toys, that you kind of have to respect Lewis for the audacity.

Here's the jolly old war monger

Top 10 Zombie Hordes

2014-12-20T03:16:00.000-08:00

Click here to purchase.

The Ozombies make their premier in The Martian Invasion of Oz. While they are pretty gruesome bunch when they want to be, they have been preceded by some awesome undead cousins. Here are our picks for the ten best of them.

10. Night of the Living Dead - The undead ghouls of this 1968 classic directed by George Romero pretty much created the zombie genre. These creeps continue to be evolved by Romero in the (so far) 5 sequels/sidequels that he has put out over the last few decades.

9. Death Troopers - Most Star Wars spin-off material is pretty lame. I mean, we loooovvvvveeee Star Wars here but who wants to read a series of derivative novels about the adventures of Han Solo's kid and Lando Calrissian's great-nephew on spring break? But, novel about Han and Chewbacca battling their way through an Imperial prison ship filled with freaky, alien zombies!!!!! Well, that's pretty cool. What happens when a Wookie becomes a zombie? You've got to read it to find out, but it's pretty gross.

8. Zombi 2 - Created as a knock off of Romero's Dawn of the Dead (which was released in Italy as Zombi), Lucio Fulci's 1979 film is choked filled with memorable gross out moments. It is also contains the reason film exists - an underwater battle between a zombie and a shark! That's not even getting into the reanimated carcasses of centuries old Spanish Conquistadors.

7. Return of the Living Dead - Original Night of the Living Dead Screenwriter Joe Russo had a falling out with George Romero and the resulting legal settlement gave him the rights to the "Living Dead" title for any future work. He then wrote a script to the original film, that was heavily re-written by director/screenwriter Dan O'Bannon. The result is a punk rock infused, gory comedy that introduced the world to the first zombies with a hankering for brains.

6. Juan of the Dead - This 2010 horror comedy from Cuba features a petty criminal, Juan, and his pals making the best of a zombie holocaust in their communist island paradise. It's as much of a parody of contemporary Cuban life as it is a zombie film, but it is one great zombie flick.

5. Dead Snow - Tommy Wirkola's 2009 Norwegian film combines Scandinavian folklore and zombies to tell a black comedy about Nazi zombies terrorizing attractive Nordic youth to protect their treasure.

4. Marvel Zombies - One of the best ideas Marvel Comics has had since having Peter Parker get bit by a radioactive spider was to create a parallel universe in which all of its heroes become zombies. Perfect. Really.

3. Army of Darkness - Sam Raimi's 1992 sequel to his legendary Evil Dead 2 features his hero, Ash Williams, lead a band of medieval warriors against an army of wise cracking undead soldiers. Great stuff.

2. Versus - This film released in 2000 by producer/director/co-writer Ryuhei Kitamura features the returned corpses of victims of a ruthless gangster and his crew brought to life in The Forest of Resurrection. Creepy, crazy, gory and always keeps you guessing.

1. Shaun of the Dead - The greatest of Zombie comedies. A loving tribute to the work of George Romero. A zombie Nick Frost. It can't be beat.

The Top 10 Alien Invaders of Earth

2014-12-18T04:01:00.001-08:00

Click here to purchase

The Martian Invasion of Oz features the terrible forces of the Second Martian Empire invading The Land of Oz. They are part of a long line of villainous aliens who have tried to invade our planet through the years. Here are our top 10.

10. The Visitors (V) - These rat eating, human disguised, reptile invaders had us all bamboozled in the legendary 1983 miniseries, 1984 sequel and 1984-85 series.

9. Xenomorphs (Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs Predator, Alien vs Predator: Requiem and Prometheus - sorta). They didn't make it to earth until 2004's Alien vs Predator, but these buggy, reptilian, sort of humanoid, acid-blooded death machines are pretty hard core.

8. Predators (Predator, Predator 2, Alien vs Predator, Alien vs Predator: Requiem, Predators). They are a race of super hunters with a penchant for hunting humans, but only the toughest, like Danny Glover.

7. They Live Aliens (They Live) These skull faced freaks were controlling us through subliminal messages while stealing the planet's natural resources. Luckily, they did not count on the might of Rowdy Roddy Piper.

6. The Cybermen (Doctor Who) - Originally they were the misguided inhabitants of Earth's twin planet Mondas, who turned themselves into cybernetic, hive mind monsters. Later, a parallel universe Earth produced its own version of them via wireless tech. Now both versions seem to have merged. Regardless, they are one of science fiction's most regular invaders.

5. The Borg (Star Trek: The Next Generation, ST: Voyager, ST: Enterprise and Star Trek: First Contact) A more effective knock off of the Cybermen that have been giving the Federation hell for decades.

4. The Daleks (Doctor Who). Nasty little fascist mutants in a robotic tank casing. The Doctor's greatest enemies who have attempted to take control of Earth numerous occasions.

3. The Overlords (The Childhood's End) These demonic looking servants of the Overmind show up and evolve our species to death.

2. The Drifters (The World Jones Made) Phillip K Dick's Drifters are, well to tell you will ruin the story but they impact they have on the relativist dystopian, post-apocalyptic Earth makes some darn good reading.

1. The Martians (The War of the Worlds) No matter how many movies, TV shows, comics, radio plays etc. that H.G. Wells' novel inspires, these are the original invaders from another planet and have set the tone for all of the rest.

Big News!!!!!!

2014-12-17T04:12:00.002-08:00

It's here! The sequel (sorta) to A Zen Master In Oz!!!!!

Available on Kindle here.

Oziana 2011 is here.

2011-10-25T07:57:00.001-07:00

The 2011 issue of Oziana has been released featuring the much expanded and improved "Jenny Everywhere In Oz" featuring amazing illustrations by Alejandro Garcia. To find out more about Oziana, go here. It's a great honor to have my work in such a great publication.

Proud Annoncement

2011-06-15T13:19:00.001-07:00

I'm very pleased to announce (a bit late) that I have a short story published in the latest issue of Fish Fingers and Custard, an excellent Doctor Who "fanzine" that is available for download or old fashioned paper editions. Just follow the link and check it out. My story is called "Mexico-A-Go-Go" and involved the 11th Doctor, Amy and Rory having a run in with some Mexican luchadors. Check it out.

Exciting News!

2011-05-01T03:56:00.001-07:00

Jenny Everywhere In Oz Will be published in a forthcoming issue of Oziana magazine in a greatly expanded and revised format. I have just seen an illustration of the Legion of Glindas and it is fantastic! I am so jazzed about seeing this in print and hearing what the world's hardcore Oz fans have to say about, I can't hardly wait.

The Royal Wedding: Prolog

2011-04-23T01:35:00.000-07:00

"It's like a fairy tale, isn't it?", you might hear said by some ladies chatting away in the grocery store check out line. The pair are both in their late-30s, dressed in track suits and wearing Crocks on their feet, are looking at the cover of a celebrity gossip magazine with the shit-eating smiles of Prince William and Kate Middleton emblazoned across it. This gruesome two-some, inbetween episodes of Oprah and The View, are probably in the midst of seperate reverie in which they are being swept off their feet by "Wills" and taken off to Buckingham Palace for a good, long fuck-fest on silk sheets while rose petals fall from some heart shaped void in time and space floating over the bed. They are now a Princess and getting it from the heir-apparent is just one of the many benefits to this fairy-tale lifestyle. There are huge country estates, palaces, cars, planes, celebrity friends, jewels, designer clothes, excess and pampering!!!!! So much better than the IT stooge they married after college and feel obligated to toss a lay to once a week or so. Ugh! To think that I'm going to be added to this fantasy makes me a bit ashamed of myself.

(Regent Street decked out for the wedding)

I have been asked to cover the Royal Wedding for The Northwest Indiana Times Newspaper. I'll be providing some exclusive color content.

(Regent St. in wedding regalia)

I'm pretty anti-monarchy so I'm hoping to create a more balanced piece about the wedding than most sources will present. The fact is I have not met anyone in London who is excited about a couple of rich super-elites getting married. They are just happy to have the day off. The fact that the wedding is a national holiday helps placate the proleteriate resentments of hereditary heirs to thrones spending millions of pounds on their "special day" while the rest of us have to deal with the massive government cuts the Tories and their Lib-Dem lapdogs have instigated.

(Here is an early picture of the happy couple)

Not being a citizen of the UK limits how far I feel I can display my disdain for the monarchy in public. It's not exactly my fight . . . yet. But I still can't help but feeling a little bit greasy in the pit of my stomach providing positive press over "Wills" and "Kate" getting hitched. Let's face it, any coverage of this wedding will be construed as ultimately promoting it. The best thing would be if nobody paid any attention to what this pack of multi-billionaire power broker welfare recipients do.

(Here is just a reminder that Prince Harry, William's little brother and currently 3rd in line to the throne, likes to get drunk and dress like a Nazi)
Well, it will be interesting to see what kind of story I come up with. I feel a little dirty about it but the truth is good intentions do not pay the kid's nursery bill.

2011-04-15T00:36:00.000-07:00

Announcing the amazing "Don't Know Prize"!!!

We here at the Emerald City Zen Center are proud to announce the start of the spectacular Don't Know Prize contest. This is your chance to win spectacular A Zen Master In Oz related prizes. All you have to do is follow three simple steps and you will become the pride of your neighborhood. People will envy and lust after you in equal measure. You shall be like a god among men for you shall have obtained a mysterious and highly coveted Don't Know Prize!

How to play:

1. Purchase a copy of A Zen Master In Oz.

2. Email proof of this purchase to kassstone1977@yahoo.com. (put Don't Know Prize in the subject line of the email)

3. Tell us in 30 words or less what "fictional" world you would want to have Captain Pug take you to onboard the Laughing Tortoise.

Terms and conditions: 1. The "Don't Know Prize" is a secret. 2. If you win a "Don't Know Prize" do not tell anyone what it is you have won. 3. The first rule of "Don't Know Prize" is don't talk about "Don't Know Prize". 4. Kass Stone and any other members of the Emerald City Zen City team are not responsible for the emotional state receiving a "Don't Know Prize" may have on a winner. 5. Kass Stone and the Emerald City Zen Center team are not liable for the behaviour of a winner of a "Don't Know Prize". 6. Kass Stone and the Emerald City Zen Center team are not responsible financially or legally for the actions of a "Don't Know Prize" winner after receiving their prize. 7. Any psychological or medical damages suffered by a "Don't Know Prize" winner after receiving the prize are not the financial or legal responsibility of Kass Stone and the Emerald City Zen Center. 8. You enter the "Don't Know Prize" contest at your own risk. 9. You are a big boy or girl, so don't get all whiny if things don't go your way. That's life. Sometimes it meets our expectations and other times it fails to meet them. If you screw up it's all on you. Don't go blaming society, your parents and especially a silly contest you entered on a blog promoting a book. 10. The "Don't Know Prize" contest is open to all sentient species at all ages. Special consideration goes to any great apes that enter the contest without the aid of a trainer or keeper. Extra-special consideration goes to lesser primates who manage to send in an entry. If you are a marmoset and reading this, lets face it, that's amazing. Quickly contact us so we can give you a "Don't Know Prize" and maybe hang out. Do you like pizza? 11. Pizzas will be bought for any lemurs or marmosets that manage to send in an entry.

Cthulu comes to Oz!

2011-03-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

There is a formatting problem that has made all of the paragraphs run together and I can't seem to reformat it. Sorry about that! Some more fun with the Public Domain. This time we see H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulu "mythos" mix it up with Baum's Oz.

“Cthulu!” “Gesundheit.” By Kass Stone

The Woggle-Bug strode confidently into the massive library of Locasta, Good Witch of the North. The highly magnified insect had been granted permission by the sorceress to catalog her massive collection of rare books. Accompanying The Woggle-Bug was Tardy Dave, a tall Giliken student assistant of his from the College of Academic Perfection. Woggle-Bug is known as the “Highly Magnified One” because of his name: Professor H. M. Woggle-Bug T.E., which is short for Highly Magnified Woggle Bug Thoroughly Educated! This illustrious insect was not always so magnified. He was once only a common, tiny woggle-bug living in a school house, where the curious little bug absorbed all of the lessons the teacher taught his pupils. One day the teacher was using an overhead projector to demonstrate a concept to the class and the bright little bug leapt on to it and found himself projected hundreds of times over, to the size of a large man, on the class room screen. The Woggle-Bug leapt off and has been highly magnified ever since. Ozma created the University of Artistic and Athletic Perfection, of which he was made dean of, out of appreciation for the role Woggle-Bug played in restoring her to the throne of Oz. Since then he has been a favorite with the Oz royal court. This provides him access to places he would normally not be able to get into. Locasta’s library is one of those places. “Magnificent!” announced the bug. “What a splendid collection of esoteric tomes!” “Er, sure,” said Tardy Dave, examining a ball of wax he just pulled from out of his left ear. “It’s really something, Prof.” “Indeed, my young and perceptive student. Indeed,” announced the bug as he sprang into the air from the doorway and landed on the second floor of the library. Hoping to add even more flourish, Woggle-Bug reached out two of his four hands and blindly pulled a book from off of the shelf. “Here, young man is the first step in this, our grand endeavor,” said the bug, as he glanced at the book’s cover. The volume was bound in what The Woggle-Bug assumed was some kind of leather and held shut by a heavy, black iron clasp. Etched on its cover in a deep crimson was the title, “Necronomicon”. The insect held the heavy tome with all four of his hands. His three antennae twitched with anticipation of diving into a hither-to-unknown work of potentially significant scholarly importance. The student assistant paid no mind. He was busy watching his toes as he wiggled them in his well worn sandals. “Ah, and thus commences another leg of progress’ march ever onwards! Ignorance has received another mortal wound from which it shall never recover and in its place shall emerge a new, enlightened world in which the shadow of superstition and debased perceptions are driven from the land like vermin before a cleansing deluge,” intoned the professor, hugging the book to his chest. Once done with his speech, the Woggle-Bug sprang over the wrought iron railing, sailed down to the ground floor and alighted gracefully alongside Tardy Dave, who was busy chewing a hang nail from off of his right thumb. The bug tossed the heavy book onto a neighboring table with a large BANG that startled the student and caused him to give a surprised squawk. “Did you get that book from up there on the second level?” asked Tardy Dave, who received his name due to the fact that he was always a bit late. “Yes, my pupil, and now we shall peer onto pages that may have not been viewed in centuries!” said the bug in his most pompous voice. Tardy Dave scratched his head full of scraggly, ginger-colored dreadlocks that hung past his waist and shrugged. He liked The Woggle-Bug but could never really understand what he was talking about. He thought it would look best if he just put on an interested expression and put his hands deep into the pockets of his red corduroy pants. The Woggle-Bug looked at his assistant and smiled, with his big, green eyes glittering in the candlelight. The insect nodded his head conspiratorially at his blank faced assistant. He then undid the clasp and flung the book open, causing its pages to fan out and stop at whatever random page fate decreed. “Momentous! Yes, most momentous, my dear David! Oh, how I envy you. To be so young and to enter into such an inquiry on behalf of knowledge! This just may very well be the breeze that fills your sails and sends you forth on an academic odyssey,” said the Woggle-Bug solemnly. Tardy Dave glanced at the book. He did not recognize the language it was written in. No longer interested, the student began stroking his bushy beard and staring out into space over Woggle-Bug’s head. The young scholar did not care much for books. His preferred academic exercises were learning more about his female classmates and organizing parties. This did not worry either the Woggle-Bug or Tardy Dave’s parents, since he was only in his 12th year of college. Most students at the College of Artistic and Athletic Perfection did not even declare a major until their 16th year. Yes, Tardy Dave felt that he was right on track academically. In another 20 years or so he might just be ready to really knuckle down and take his studies seriously. The professor leaned into the book until the antenna on the tip of his nose was bent against its pages. His big eyes shimmered with excitement. “I believe I can translate this script,” said the bug to nobody in particular. “Soon, this grimoire will reveal all of its secrets!” Woggle-Bug cleared his throat before chanting the strange words written in blood red on the brittle pages. Tardy Dave looked over his professor’s shoulder and noticed that one of the pages appeared to have a tattoo on it and the other one had what could be freckles. This reminded the Tardy One that he was due to get a tattoo with his team mates on the college’s hacky-sack team that week. They were all going to get the team’s mascot, an octopus with eight legs kicking a hacky-sack, on the back of their necks. It was going to be awesome. “That will be so awesome,” said a smiling Tardy Dave, but the Woggle-Bug was too caught up in chanting the ancient text to pay his assistant any attention. The words were guttural and strange. They caused Tardy Dave to come out of his tattoo induced reverie and pay attention once more to what his professor was doing. Goose bumps danced over his flesh. Hairs stood up on the back of his neck with each new syllable uttered by The Woggle-Bug. Even his dreadlocks seemed to tremble under their own power as the Magnified One’s chanting grew more passionate and powerful. It reminded Tardy Dave of the time he accompanied the Woggle-Bug to visit Glinda the Good Witch of the South. He mistook a bottle of shrinking potion for the bottle of fizzy radish beer he brought with him for lunch. The very same strange sensation spread across his body as he shrunk down to the size of a common field mouse. To make matters worse, Princess Dorothy Gale was also there visiting with her pink cat. The mean spirited feline chased Tardy Dave throughout Glinda’s palace for over two hours before the good witch was able to find him and restore him to full size. “You know, now that I think about it, I don’t think I like magic all that much,” said Tardy Dave offhandedly. A strange howling sound filled the library. The candles in the chandeliers over head and the sconces on the walls began to flicker, sending long shadows careening across the room. From the center of the library came what sounded like a million sinister voices chuckling and hissing at an obscene joke. Tardy stepped back to avoid the swarm of many limbed flies that were circling the chanting Woggle-Bug. His feet slipped as he stepped into a puddle of green slime that bubbled up from beneath the marble tiles of the floor. The young scholar almost crashed onto the ground but was able to catch himself on the edge of a table covered in maggots the size of an infant munchkin. Lightening flashed from a cloud that had formed overhead and, instead of rain; small squid with beaks full of razor sharp teeth began to bounce off of the furniture and floor. A suit of armor standing next to the stairwell leading up to the other four levels of the library began to scream with wild laughter and then exploded, sending pieces of its self everywhere. This is when it dawned on Tardy Dave that something was wrong! “I don’t think those big maggot things should be in the library, prof,” said Tardy Dave, as he watched a fly brandishing a scorpion’s tail harass a three-headed beetle with tentacles instead of legs. Tardy-Dave let out a yelp. One of the malevolent squid that were raining down on them had sunk its teeth into the student’s right big toe. He hopped about on his left foot, while slapping at the squid. The cephalopod only bit harder and wrapped its tentacles around Dave’s corduroy clad leg. He hopped over to book shelf and pulled down a heavy tome titled “Great Munchkin Poets: The Pastoria Years” and began slamming it down on the vicious squid. After a couple of hard blows, the squid exploded like a balloon filled with custard. Tardy-Dave’s lower half was covered in yellow slime and pink squid bits. It dawned on him that he probably should not have worn sandals on this trip. “This isn’t cool, right, prof? I’ve never seen anything like this before, have you? Does Locasta usually have these kinds of pest problems? I mean, if so, she might want to get it cleared up. I don’t think this is sanitary, man,” said Tardy Dave, but it fell on deaf ears. The words written down in the book by its author, “The Mad Arab” Abdul Alhazred, put the most intelligent insect in Oz into a spell that made it impossible for him to stop chanting the vile language of the Necronomicon. As he chanted, the Woggle-Bug’s antennae on his head and nose twitched with each syllable, as if they were broadcasting the meaning of the book’s dark text. A fetid yellow light pulsed in his eyes and a greasy film coated the bug’s usually gleaming exoskeleton. “Ph’nglwi mgla nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!” the insect screamed as he came to the end of the passage that had possessed him. The yellow light dimmed from Woggle-Bug’s eyes and their usual emerald glint was restored. His exoskeleton regained its reflective shine and his antennae ceased twitching. The magnified one looked around confused and stammered wordlessly for several seconds. Just as he was about to speak, a sound like a gash being torn in the flesh of a gigantic animal filled the library. “Zounds! I was rendered little more than a marionette from some indecent puppeteer working from the stygian depths of an accursed realm!” wailed Woggle-Bug over the wet, tearing sound. The disgusting sound indicated the formation of a great gaping hole in space in the center of the room. Escaping from the hole was a stench unlike any the two had ever experienced in their lives. The odious fumes brought tears to their eyes and gags to their throats. “Egad!” shouted The Woggle-Bug. “That is the essence of putrescent!” “Yeah, do you see that hole there?” asked Tardy Dave. “I really think something ain’t right!” An awful groaning emerged from the hole, followed by a sea of glistening, cruel eyes. An army of beings with bodies like large apes, but covered in green, flabby flesh unlike any ever seen in Oz, were walking menacingly towards Tardy and The Woggle-Bug from out of the hole. The creatures’ thick limbs ended in webbed hands and feet that were accented by fierce, curling claws. Around their drooling maws were bunches of writhing tentacles that whipped about below their red, globular eyes. On the monsters’ backs hung large, bat-like wings that stretched and preened with every step as they chanted “Cthulhu” over and over in thick, slimy voices. “Oh, those must be the cthulhi,” said the Woggle-Bug, matter-of-factly. “The what?” asked Tardy Dave. “Dear lad, were you not paying attention? I was summoning the dark lord Cthulhu to Oz. Though, why I would do such a thing, I have not the foggiest notion,” lectured the bug. “Likewise, I have no clue how I have come to posses such knowledge!” “Oh, yeah, man! You were reading that book!” exclaimed Tardy Dave, as if he had just deduced the answer to a great riddle. “That accursed grimoire must have compelled me to act in such a traitorous manner! Oh, what have I wrought?” bellowed the insect. Tardy Dave was about to ask him what a cthulhi was, when he was yanked by the arm and suspended in the air by one of the creatures. Tardy stared into the strange, malevolent eyes and winced. “Ugh, your breath is awful!” moaned Tardy Dave. “Dude, that is so rank! You have to eat a mint or something!” The scholar then gave a surprised yelp as he fell and hit the floor. The Woggle-Bug had punched the monster in the head, sending the beast flying across the room and into a book shelf, resulting in the creature dropping Tardy Dave in the process. “Up, lad, we must find Locasta and let her know what a monumental SNAFU has been committed in furthering Ozian scholarship,” said The Woggle-Bug as he grabbed Tardy Dave by the arm and drug him towards the exit. “That monster thing was really strong,” said Tardy-Dave as he was whisked off by his teacher. “Yes, he commands an impressive brute strength, but he was no match for my pugilistic proficiency,” bragged the bug. Tardy’s attention was not with his professor or the throng of tentacle-faced monsters. His eyes were focused on the ever widening portal and the gigantic shape form ancient evil that was Cthulhu being revealed on the other side. The master of the cthulhi looked exactly like his minions but standing hundreds of feet tall and thus hundreds of times more frightening. “That’s a big guy,” noted Tardy Dave. “These winged mollusk-men and their master will destroy all of Oz. We must do something posthaste!” shouted Woggle-Bug, over the roars issuing from Cthulhu and the chanting of his demonic minions. “Halt!” announced a woman’s voice that cut through the grotesque, maddening babble. Standing in the doorway of the library was Locasta. Her white hair blew wildly around her head in the putrid wind pouring in from Cthulhu’s world. She gripped a wand in one hand and held a small, white rabbit to her chest with the other. The sorceress’ blue dress billowed about her, sparkling as if beads of ice were woven into the fabric. She stood in stark contrast to corruption and unwholesomeness of Cthulhu’s world. “Oh, Locasta!” stammered the bug. “We were just enroute to inform you of this most distressing situation.” The witch paid no attention to the Magnified One. She looked past him and through the throng of chthuli into the entrance into their world, where their titanic master waited. The sound of evil laughter rolled through from the world of the monsters like thunder. It was the sound of pure corruption and made Tardy Dave and Woggle-Bug sick to their stomachs. Locasta did not flinch. “Cthulhu, I cannot let your vile presence taint Oz!” shouted the good witch. “Just as I defeated you before, I shall do so again!” The witch tossed the rabbit into the air and it landed in the midst of the throng of cthulhi, transformed into an elephant-sized beast-that attacked the creatures with its gigantic teeth and razor sharp claws. “We must rally to the defense of our fair land!” cried the Magnified One. The Woggle-Bug grabbed a pair of broken chairs in both pairs of his arms and began beating back the retreating beasts. Together, the professor and rabbit’s onslaught herded the cthulhi into the center of the room. “Battle onward, my stout hearted lupine crusader! We are stymieing this demonic host!” called out the Woggle-Bug to the rabbit. Once the cthulhi were localized, the pair began forcing them into the hole from which they emerged. While the bug and rabbit were taking care of the minons, Locasta set to work chanting a spell to defeat their master. Beads of sweat formed on the witch’s grandmotherly face as she matched her powers against those of the dreadful dark god. Locasta fell to one knee and clenched her face in agony. Cthulhu’s nausea inducing laugh filled the room, causing Tardy Dave to retch and grow dizzy behind the large wall tapestry he hid behind. The benign countenance that Locasta typically wore fell away. She appeared now as a sunken cheeked, feeble old woman. She felt rivulets of fire snaking through her bones. Locasta’s vision blurred and her hearing diminished. Every pore on her flesh felt as though steam were rising from out of it. She could feel the dark god’s clawed hands clenching her mind and filling her thoughts with images of misery. Starving children and dead soldiers! Disease covered animals bleating as they died in mass graves! Ozma and the heroes of Oz mutilated! Locasta saw things so disgusting and evil that tears came to her eyes. The beastly creature chuckled as he felt her spirits weaken. Realizing that the horror she was battling gained a greater edge with every ounce of sorrow she felt, Locasta reached deep inside herself to find the strength to silence Cthulhu’s voice. The demon was shocked momentarily by Locasta’s strength of will. His attack slowed and this bought the witch the time for one last gambit to prevent the unspeakable evil and decay represented by Cthulhu from entering Oz. She endeavored to tap into the very faerie enchantment that made Oz the mystical and beautiful place it is. Locasta focused on the uncanny energies flowing through the land that was the basis of the country’s enchanted nature, all the while creating ever weakening defenses to hold Cthulhu at bay. While Glinda the Good Witch of the South is renowned across the world, the Good Witch of the North is a much less discussed figure. Many people just assume that she is the magical inferior to Glinda and stayed out of the limelight in deference to a more superior witch. This is far from the truth. Locasta is a much older sorceress with an incredibly deep knowledge of magic, dating back to the very creation of Oz by Lurline, the Faerie Queen. She just preferred to pursue her work out of the public eye. Proof of this lies in the fact that in spite of the punishing deluge of evil, corrupted magic Cthulhu pummeled her with, the Good Witch of the North remained focused in her effort to tap Oz’s ancient enchantment. Cthulhu pushed back with all of his might to tear down the witch’s magical barricades. Her mind searched deep into the physical and metaphysical aspects of Oz. All of its history unfurled behind her eyes while she pushed herself to maintain her defenses against the evil incarnate she was engaged in combat with. Then, like a shooting star falling from a pitch black sky, the current of magical energies that maintained Oz as a faerie country reached out to her. Locasta felt her mind stretch out to touch the current. Upon contact, they become one. Locasta received a burst of magical energy that caused her brain to burn with white flame. Images of all of the great wizards and witches of Oz’s past, present and future filled her being. Little shards of all of their magic combined with her own abilities. Her eyes flashed a brilliant blue and her old, creased face became livid with color. “You shall not have Oz!” announced the good witch, causing a great fresh wind to sweep through the library, which triggered Cthulhu’s gateway to close. Cthulhu roared with surprise and anger. He had just been defeated by an old woman from a faerie tale world. Never had the ancient, evil entity known such a humiliating defeat. Locasta had once managed to defeat his minions when she was much younger and had an entire magical army supporting her. This time she managed to better Cthulhu himself with only the assistance of an overgrown insect and rabbit. The being of un-nameable evil roared once again in petulant anger as his gateway closed and the things of his world were forced back from where they came. “Huzzah! The plans of Cthulu have proven vainglorious and futile! Oz is saved!” cheered the bug over the noise of the maelstrom forming about the doorway between the two worlds. The wind rushed into the closing portal as if a tornado was let loose in the library. It created a swirling vortex of cthulhi, giant maggots, bizarre insects and slime. Tardy Dave was lifted off of his feet and sent flying towards the whirl of unwholesomeness leading to Cthulhu’s twisted reality. Seeing his student assistant flying past, Woggle-Bug quickly reached out with two of his arms and caught Tardy Dave by the dreadlocks. The student flapped in the wind like a flag, while his professor used his legs and remaining arms to cling onto a pillar that lead to the library’s magnificent domed ceiling. The giant rabbit dug its claws deep into the marble tile to prevent being drawn into the vortex. The power of the maelstrom was so strong that it dragged the rabbit several feet towards it. The heroic lupine left deep claw marks in the marble floor as it fought being drawn into the nightmare universe of Cthulhu. The thundering, gurgling protestations of mighty Cthulhu echoed through the room, sending a greasy, metallic taste across everyone’s tongues. The protests grew in intensity the more the doorway into his world shut. When the hole in space became no bigger than the head of a pencil, the cries and howling wind stopped, sending Tardy Dave slamming into the floor, which in turn pulled the Woggle-Bug, still grasping Tardy’s dreadlocks, on top of him. The Woggle-Bug quickly leapt off Tardy Dave and began to inspect the scholar for any injuries. “My word, young David, what a heroic figure you cut in this conflict between the forces of good and the forces of evil,” said the Woggle-Bug admiringly. “Oh, wow,” said Tardy Dave, as he rolled to his back and rubbed his nose. “Did you see how big that rabbit got?” “Woggle-Bug,” called Locasta, in a very frustrated tone. “What in the name of all that is good in Oz did you do? Why did you think tampering with such a book was a good idea? I told you to stay away from the second floor.” “My dear madam, it was all in the name of academic pursuit and expanding the boundaries of what we know about both the physical and metaphysical worlds . . .,” began the bug, but he was cut off by a stern glance from the witch. An awkward silence fell over the now completely disorganized library. Locasta tapped her foot in disappointment with the Magnified One. The Woggle-Bug twitched his antennae as he thought of some way to put a positive spin on what just happened. The silence had Tardy Dave entranced. He watched the witch and professor with his mouth hanging open, unsure of what exactly was happening. The silence may have lasted days if it were not for the sound of someone crying. A muffled sobbing came from behind one of the book shelves. Locasta, carrying the once again tiny rabbit, led Tardy Dave and the Woggle-Bug to the source of the mournful noise. The party was shocked to discover a cthulhi weeping into his slimy, flabby hands. “Are you injured?” inquired Locasta. The hulking thing just shook its head. “Urk! Hyunk jiapxil. . . Uyioloont-ilx-opuqiz . . . ,” said the cthulhi, looking at the Ozites with as much of a pleading look as its kind could muster. “Hey, that monster thing is crying!” exclaimed Tardy Dave. “. . . Urk! Um . . . Urkel . . . Zaphod . . . Um . . . Hello,” managed the cthulhi in a very pleasant, masculine voice. “I’m sorry. It takes me a few seconds to learn a new language. Please do not be afraid of me. I am not like the others! Please don’t send me back home with the rest of them! If you do, I will be killed and fed to my brothers and sisters. They would say I’m a coward and traitor for staying behind! I do not want to be fed to my brothers and sisters!” “Why should we trust you?” asked the Woggle-Bug. “You are the servant of a Lord of Darkness . . . not to demonize you!” The Woggle-Bug looked at Locasta for recognition of his pun. All he got in return was the witch rolling her eyes. “What is your name,” asked Locasta gently. “You would not be able to pronounce it. It would sort of sound like, ‘Floid-aphla-lox-to-motox-plig . . .,” “Oh, that’s alright,” said Locasta. “I will call you Floyd.” “Yes, Madam,” said Floyd. “That is a very good name.” “Indeed, a most apt moniker for one such as you. The name Floyd is of Welsh derivation, meaning “one with gray hair”, if I remember my Welsh, which I’m quite sure I do. Gray-hair indicates a wizened, respected person on whom the . . .,” began the Woggle-Bug before being cut off by the sound of Locasta clearing her throat “Tell me, Floyd, how can I trust you not to cause any harm here in Oz?” asked the good witch in a very grandmotherly tone. Floyd ran his fingers through his mouth tentacles and sighed. “The truth is that I hid from the rest of my family as soon as we arrived. Don’t you see? I stayed behind on purpose. Home is a terrible place! It’s always about eating a brother or sister and then preparing to attack another world in the name of our master. It’s not a lifestyle for me! I spy on other worlds and dream of living in a place not devoted to pestilence and corruption. It’s the sound of birds chirping in the morning I want, not the screams of the tortured and the awful shriek of the damned. I want a pet cat and to have friends over for tea. I dream of being able to have a nice vegetable garden and not have to survive on the spoils of conquest. You can’t even get vegetables where I come from! All we ever get is our rent apart siblings or the crushed remains of our master’s enemies. I want to be a vegetarian! I dream of tasting an avocado or peeling a banana! I hate being the blood thirsty minion of evil personified. Please, let me stay!” beseeched Floyd. “Well, that is entirely up to Princess Ozma. She is the one that has final say on which outsiders can call Oz home. However, if you are honest about your desires and intentions, I’m sure Ozma will let you stay as long as you will be of some benefit to the rest of Oz’s citizens. I can help you with that since I can provide a job for you here in my palace,” said the witch. “I have need of a gardener’s assistant, but first you have to clean this mess you and your family made in my library.” “Oh, thank you, Madam! Thank you!” said Floyd as he fell to his knees and grabbed Locasta’s hand, which he covered in tentacle filled kisses. An obviously uncomfortable Locasta, gently took her hand back, thanked Floyd and helped him to his big webbed feet. “Whoa, that green guy can speak our language!” announced a truly amazed Tardy Dave. “How, very benevolent of you,” said Woggle-Bug to Locasta, choosing to ignore his assistant. “I will retire to my quarters now in order to record today’s most bizarre events in my journal for posterity.” “Oh, I think that can wait,” said Locasta. “You need to clean up your mess as well, bug. You and young Tardy Dave will assist Floyd in putting my library back in order.” With a snap of her finger, three sets of brooms, mops and other cleaning supplies appeared before Floyd, Tardy Dave and Woggle-Bug. Without glancing back at her new cleaning crew, Locasta strode out the library, slammingthe doors behind her. “What a wonderful woman,” sighed Floyd. “I never thought I’d be so lucky as to have the chance to dust and mop. It’s going to be a joy being able to tidy up! No more slime filled grottos for me!” “Ha! What audacity! Me, the most magnified intelligence in all of Oz reduced to a mere custodian! Oh, the shame!” moaned Woggle-Bug. “This is an outrage. If it were not for my respect for all Locasta has done for Oz, I would walk off of this lowly assignment as quick as Mercury chasing a comet!” Tardy Dave turned around and smiled into the big, goggle-like eyes of his professor. “You know,” said Tardy Dave. “I think she wants us to clean this place up.”

The Magic Cloak of Oz - Part 1

2011-03-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Another Baum produced silen Oz movie.
Maybe one day A Zen Master In Oz will become a movie. The only way to make that happen is to get a ton of books sold. So, why don't you do your part for culture and buy a copy?

Why Oz Is Much Cooler Than Narnia.

2011-03-09T02:47:00.000-08:00

On the surface, L. Frank Baum's Oz and C.S. Lewis' Narnia series appear to be rather similiar. Both deal with young, earth dwelling children being transported to magical realms where they have exciting adventures with the natives. If you take a closer look you will discover that the Narnia books are rather creepy. They are full of anti-modern, close minded, religious propaganda. Baum's 14 Oz books on the other hand, are stories about the importance of acceptance, diversity camraderie. Here are some reasons why Lewis' Narnia books are genuinely loathesome, along with why Oz is much more wholesome in comparison.
1. Sexism: C.S. Lewis, at least when he was writing his Narnia series, had a pretty dim view of what women were capable of. This sexist, though not uncommon view for a man of his era, is made more disturbing by his very obvious discomfort with female sexuality. Grown women are not to be trusted in the universe of the Narnia saga. Little Lucy Penvensie is the ideal "Christian" in the series but that's because she has not yet developed sexually. When her sister, Susan discovers her sexuality and begins wearing makeup and going out with boys, she is deemed not capable of coming to Aslan's world. She is banned from paradise for following her natural and essential biological urges! Let me add!!!! Likewise, look the grown women that are present in Narnia. The two most prominent are Jadis - The White Witch and The Lady of the Green Kirtle, both of them are evil witches representing Satan, the ultimate evil. So, when we meet grown women in Narnia they are all unworthy of Aslan's grace.
In Oz, on the otherhand, Baum provides us with a huge list of capable, independent and powerful female characters. In fact, Oz is almost entirely operated and protected by powerful, strong women. This list includes Dorothy, Glinda, The Goood Witch of the South and Ozma.
2. Racism: Lewis' Narnia books are racist and imply a racial hierarchy. To begin with, Narnia is very much an idealized England in which there are not racial minorities. It is a white country for white people and thier magical friends who also either appear to be white or at least act like proper white English folk. This is also very similiar to Lewis' close pal and fellow inkling, J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth (for more on this check out Michael Moorcock's excellent essay Epic Pooh). The races living outside of Narnia are depicted as brutal, thuggish and ethnic. The Telmarines are obviously meant to be a sea-faring, Medittereanean people. Much to swarthy for Mr. Lewis' taste. They are brutal and cruel, but are capable of being redeemed by the much more enlightened White-British Narnians. The Calormen are depicted as dark skinned, Arabic people who worship a demon, participate in human sacrifices and are in constant warfare with the rest of the world. They are described in the worst kind of stereotypical terms for an Arab person and are even less capable of being "saved". They are obviously well below the swarthy Telmarines, who in turn are quite a few steps down the ladder from the very English and White Narnia.
Oz is depicted as a land of great racial diversity. While these races do not directly correspond to real world racial groups, Baum's depiction of diversity and the need to accept it is a far cry from Lewis' racial hierarchy. All of the race's in Oz are valued for what they can offer and are worthy of respect from the rest of the land's citizens. Even people and creatures from other lands are welcomed and treated with respect. Oz accepts everyone and does not require you to convert to its religion, unlike another magical land we know.
3.Holy War: In the Narnia Chronicles, C.S. Lewis makes it clear that war in the name of God/Jesus/Aslan is not only acceptible but essential. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the Penvensie children are brought to Narnia in order to lead a holy war against the anti-Aslan (A.K.A. evil) forces of the White Witch. Santa Claus even shows up and hands out weapons for the children to kill with! Father Christmas is their arms supplier. The message to young readers is very clear - in order to preserve the faith it is sometimes neccessary to kill and even wage war. Very creepy. Creepier yet is the jihad-like aspect Lewis gives the war between the Narnians and the Telmarines in Prince Caspian. In a letter Lewis wrote a young fan, he stated that the book was about restoring the true faith. The method through which this is accomplished is war. Sounds a lot like some terrorist leader urging his followers on.
In Baum's Oz there is no organized religion. We learn that a faerie queen created the enchantment that transformed Oz in a faerie land, but that's it. On top of it, the rulers of Oz often search for non-violent answers to their problems. This is quite different from Santa handing out swords meant to cleave a "non-believer's" head in two.
4. Anti-Modernism: C.S. Lewis hated modernity. He thought it was souless and destructive. It was like a plight across the Western World that was replacing God with science and dehumanizing mankind. His disdain for modernity is readily apparent throughout the Narnia books. Susan's sexuality is associated with "lip stick and nylons", very 20th Century kinds of things for a young woman to be wearing. Lewis' disdain for the modern is most viruently demonstrated in the finale of his "Space Trilogy" - That Hideous Strength, in which modern art, architecture, science etc. are depicted as tools of the Devil looking to break mankind's will and use reason to cause people to cease believing in God. This view is expressed by Lewis in his handling of modern women (ie. Susan) and education. In The Silver Chair, Lewis attacks modern education theories and techniques in the form of Experiment House, a modern school where the Pevensies' cousin Eustace and his pal, Jill, attend. Experiment House allows children to learn through exploration and, OMG!, there is no religious education. The school is depicted as a terrible place with ineffective teachers and horrible bullying students. Of course, Lewis meant education in the doctrines of the Church of England and not some kind of comparative relgion course.
In Oz the modern world is reflected in the roles women play, technology and general attitudes towards the world. Baum, a feminist and son-in-law of a major feminist figure, allowed his work to disply his progressive views on women's rights. Likewise, his approach to racial diversity is quite modern compared to Lewis' hierarchy of races. Technology also exists in Oz and is just as much a source of wonder as any kind of magic. The greatest example of this is Tik-Tok the clockwork robot. Technology is not a thing to fear but is something that is capable of making the world a much more interesting and exciting place. Reason and the scientific method are promoted often in Baum's Oz books. While he often took shots at academia, Baum also obviously valued the importance of critical thinking, reason and scientific inquiry. Again and again, the characters in the Oz books have to rely on empirical reasoning to find their way out of the troubles they always end up in. Lewis on the other hand promotes blind faith throughout the Narnia books. The Pevensie children and their Narnian allies are expected to constantly just have faith in Aslan and not to question. In fact, questioning is a bad thing. Just accept what your religion/authority figure tells you to do and shut up! Questions and reason are for those that don't get to cuddle up with Aslan for eternity.

The difference between the two series is that Baum was a man who embraced modernity and viewed the world through more egalitarian eyes than the patriarchial, fundamentalist Christian Lewis. One was presenting a modern faerie tale and the other was creating heavy handed religous propaganda designed to help make children good little Christian soldiers. One had a more universal view of the world and the other had a very narrow one in which his culture and religion were the only true ones and that everything else at best paled in comparison and at worst were false, empty and destructive. These personality traits shaped the fictional universes they are most famous for. Unfortunately, Lewis' Narnia is built solidly on its creators bigoted, fundamentalist hangups

Jenny Everywhere In Oz - edited version

2011-02-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

Jenny Everywhere In Oz
By
Kass Stone
The character of Jenny Everywhere is available for use by anyone, with only one condition. This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish. All rights reversed.

The big semi-truck slid sideways up the highway with its breaks and tires screeching. The vehicle became a blur of moving parts and noise before taking the form of a three- story tall robot. Jenny pulled herself off of the pavement and ran between the feet of the mechanical, alien warrior just as its arch-nemesis came crashing down from the air. Where Jenny once stood was now another giant, extraterrestrial robotic warrior. The newcomer let out a metallic laugh and shot the semi-truck android in the chest with a blast from its laser cannon.
“This is not as fun as it looked on TV,” grumbled Jenny as she closed her eyes and focused on the pulsating rhythms of the multiverse.
A robot soldier/VW Bug exploded into a million pieces just a few yards to Jenny’s right. Chunks of smoldering metal and rubber rained down. A gateway appeared in Jenny’s mind and she focused. A flaming tire came hurtling down towards her. The gateway opened and Jenny “shifted” through it.
***
Sparks rained down as Jenny shifted into the new reality. A spark fell between the folds of her scarf. She screamed and slapped at the burn, hoping to prevent the scarf from going up in flames. Red laser beams flew overhead. She fell to her stomach, pulled the aviator goggles from on top of her head and snapped them over her eyes.
More soldiers! This time dressed in white and black body armor. The white soldiers fired large laser rifles and appeared to make steady progress up the corridor they were fighting in. Jenny rolled out of the way and pressed herself up against the metal wall. A panel just above her head flashed instructions in an alien language.
Coming up the opposite end of the corridor were skinny, bird-like robots firing away with their own large laser rifles.
“Ugh, more gun loving robots,” groaned Jenny and immediately began focusing on new pathways.
Green and red lasers filled the air. Every now and then the zapping, shrieking sounds of the guns would be punctuated by a scream. Another doorway opened up and she went through.

***
Jenny ran her fingers through her short, spiky hair and sighed. She slipped the goggles back to their place atop her head and wiped the sweat from her brow.
“I’ve got to start picking better universes to visit. I’m tired of all this gunplay,” mumbled Jenny as she pulled herself off of the packed dirt floor.
A quick examination of her surroundings confirmed that the room she was in was part of a series of caverns. On the walls hung heavy tapestries depicting witches and wizards huddled over cauldrons, summoning demons and all sorts of other magical business. There were bookshelves creaking under the weight of thick, heavy tomes. Tables laden with gurgling vials and mysterious looking jars cluttered the place while a black cauldron hung in a rough hewn fireplace.
On the far side of the room was a large aquarium filled with blue tinged water. Swimming back and forth in the tank was a big, pink brain. The brain propelled itself by moving the stem hanging from its base back and forth like a fish’s tail.
Jenny walked over to the tank and tapped on the glass with a rough, chipped fingernail. The brain darted away from her side of the tank. She examined the nails on her hands. The black fingernail polish she put on back when she was visiting the Green Lama had almost completely vanished.
“See something you like?,” asked a hissing voice from behind her.
Jenny made to turn in order to face the speaker but a hard blow to the side of her head sent the Shifter unconscious to the floor.

A strange sensation brought Jenny to. A rough, wet tongue was licking her knee through the hole in her black tights. She opened her eyes and saw that the tongue belonged to a large, frightening looking beast with the head of a tiger and body of a bear. Jenny was suspended above the floor in a cramped metal cage and the animal was standing on its hind legs to reach her.
“Are you making friends or are you hungry?,” the girl asked the animal.
A chorus of growls from a half dozen other tiger-headed, bear-bodied creatures answered the question for her. Jenny tried to raise herself up but was stuck in a kneeling, bent over position due to the tight dimensions of the pen she was trapped in.
The big animals circled below her. They were obviously looking forward to devouring her. It also sounded as if they were laughing.
“Hey, do you guys talk,” Jenny asked the creatures. “It’s no big deal. I’ve met plenty of talking animals in my travels.”
The largest of the animals quickly sat on his haunches and cleared his throat.
“Yes, we do talk and yes, we are planning on eating you,” the creature said. “We are the Crrrowwll Pack of Kalidahs in the service of the great liberator Mogo of the Southeast!”
“Kalidahs! You’re kalidahs,” Jenny shouted with sudden recognition. “This must be Oz! I love Oz. I was hoping I’d land here eventually.”
The kalidahs starred at her with blank eyes. The silence was broken by a hissing scream.
“Do not eat her yet! I need her. She is full of strange magic,” said a very tall blue skinned woman dressed in traditional witch garb of black frock dress, thick soled boots with narrow toes and tall, pointy black hat.
The woman would have been beautiful if not for the fact that she was missing a nose. She had only a pair of nostril slits which flared with rage as she stood in the entrance to the room. Orange eyes glared out from her face while a green tongue ran across thin, purple lips.
“Magic? What are you talking about, lady?,” demanded Jenny.
“Oh, you can’t hide your magic from me. I am Lady Mogo, the greatest sorceress in Oz. I studied under the Wicked Witch of the East herself and have spent the past decades in hiding, practicing my art and waiting to spring my vengeance on Glinda, Ozma and all of their allies,” said the witch.
“Look,” said Jenny, “I think it’s really cute and all. Really, I do. This out for vengeance plot with your cartoon animal goons and secret hideout is quite charming. It really is. The problem is that you guys never get away with this kind of thing and on top of that you are obviously stupid. What I’m capable of has nothing to do with magic.”
A rattling, shuttering sound, like old bones being blown across the desert, arose from Mogo. The kalidahs backed away and out of the room. The witch began trembling and streams of green and violet energy coursed about her hands.
Jenny began rocking the cage back and forth, causing it to swing on its chain. Mogo threw a crackling ball of energy at Jenny just as the cage reared away from the witch. The energy ball severed the chain. The cage crashed to the floor and Jenny was expelled through the locked door and out onto the packed dirt floor.
The Shifter bolted for the entrance. The witch chased after. Jenny reached into a hip pocket of her cargo skirt and pulled out a large, yellow egg. She tossed the egg in Mogo’s path as if it were a hand grenade. The egg split open and a long, writhing feline-headed dragon came exploding out of it.
Cat-Faced Dragons are hatched full size and furious. The gold and blue monster sprayed orange and yellow flames at Mogo. A shield materialized in the witch’s hand. Flames flicked along the edges of the shield and singed her fingers. The sorceress promised herself that she would personally choke the life out of Jenny with her bare hands.

Jenny ran as fast as she could out of the cave and through the thick wilderness waiting outside. Soon the sound of her Doc Martins pounding on the forest floor was louder than the battle between the witch and dragon.
She had the ability to shift out this reality when she felt like it, but the opportunity to save Oz from an actual wicked witch was too much for Jenny to resist. The idea that just around the next tree could be the Tin Woodwan or Scarecrow motivated her to run even when it felt as if her heart was about to burst in her chest.
After nearly twenty minutes of running, a road appeared. Jenny stopped at the roadside and struggled to regain her breath. Little dots of light floated in her vision as her heartbeat slowed and her lungs quit struggling. With her heart beat no longer sounding like a bass drum in her head, Jenny was able to hear the clop-clopping sound coming her way down the brick paved road.
What came trotting up the road made Jenny clap her hands in excitement. It was the Saw-Horse and riding on top of the roughly made wooden horse was none other than Jack Pumpkinhead himself. The stick man with the jack-o-lantern head waved at the beaming Jenny and The Saw-Horse came to a stop along side of her.
“Hello, stranger,” said Jack. “My pumpkin is getting kind of soft, but you look like you are not from around here.”
Jenny laughed and wrapped her arms around the Saw-Horse’s neck.
“Pretty friendly where you come from, eh?,” asked the Saw-Horse.
“You have to forgive me,” giggled a slightly star-struck Shifter. “My name is Jenny Everywhere. I’m from . . .”
“America,” interrupted Jack. “You sound a lot like Dorothy does and she is from America, though you don’t exactly look like her. You kind of resemble the Chinese people in the picture books of the rest of the world Dorothy has but you also look kind of like the Indians from America in the other book Dorothy showed me. Are you an Indian, Chinese or something else?”
“Yep,” said Jenny with a smile. “I can also travel from one world to the next just by thinking about it. I landed here in Oz at the lair of a wicked witch plotting to overthrow Ozma. We need to warn her and fast!”
“Well, if you want fast I can manage to go just as fast as you want,” said the Saw-Horse, with an obvious sense of pride. “Since I’m not made out of living stuff and just old wood, I never get tired. I might split a leg from time to time but nothing serious.”
“Great,” said Jenny, “but I have to ask you one quick favor before we go.”
Jenny pulled out her cell phone and told the pair to say cheese. This was no problem for Jack, since he always had a smile carved into his face. The Saw-Horse had only a rough gash for a mouth but managed to make his knotty eyes appear full of good humor. Once the picture was taken, Jenny hopped behind Jack on the wooden equine’s back. The Saw-Horse reared up on his back legs and then dashed off with a mighty leap. The girl could not contain her laughter as the Land of Oz whizzed past.
Just as Jenny and her new friends disappeared into the woods, Mogo emerged driving a chariot pulled by a team of a dozen kalidahs. The animals are excellent trackers and immediately picked up on Jenny’s scent. The witch snapped a long whip over their heads and sent the train of beasts racing after her.

After little more than an hour, the Saw-Horse came to a sudden halt, causing Jack to fly over his head and into a small pond. Jenny leapt off the horse’s back and helped Jack out of the pond. After she was certain he was once more steady on his feet, Jenny looked around her surroundings and discovered that they were in front of a large pink palace guarded by a large retinue of women soldiers.
“This is Glinda’s palace,” said the Saw-Horse. “She will know what to do when it comes to a wicked witch.”
Just as the Saw-Horse said this, the gates of the palace opened and at the head of a double row of gorgeous lady soldiers was a beautiful young woman. She had sparkling blue eyes, long red hair that fell about her shoulders in ringlets and wore a flowing, pink dress. This was Glinda, the Good Witch of the South.
“Greetings, Jenny Everywhere,” said Glinda. “I have been expecting you.”
“Really,” said a surprised Jenny. “You knew we were coming?”
“Oh, you have read all of the books Mr. Baum wrote about our faerie country. You should be quite aware that I have the Great Book of Records in my possession, which tells me everything that happens in Oz as soon as it occurs. Now, my precious Ms. Everywhere, we need to wait for Lady Mogo to appear. After she has been taken care of, we will have more time to chat,” said Glinda in a gentle, soothing voice.
Standing next to the beautiful and regal Glinda made Jenny feel under dressed in green boots, torn black tights, khaki cargo skirt, Ramones t-shirt and green hoodie. Just as she was about to comment on Glinda’s dress, Jack gave out a wail.
“Oh, no,” the pumpkin headed fellow shouted, pointing towards the road leading to Glinda’s palace.
Mogo was rushing towards the gate, snapping at the kalidahs with her whip and shouting at them to move faster. Glinda’s soldiers quickly formed a wall and thrust out their spears. The witch urged the team to go even faster. Just as the kalidahs were about to smash through the women, the soldiers parted and Mogo’s chariot rocketed straight into the palace.
As the chariot rushed past her, a claw-like lantern holder on its side caught hold of Jenny’s scarf. She was yanked off of her feet and flew through the air tethered to the chariot. Mogo looked over her shoulder and began to cackle madly. This caused her to not notice her team rushing into the great glowing square in the grand foyer of the palace.
The world around them went a dark blue. The Kalidahs stopped suddenly, causing the team to crash into each other, which sent the chariot sailing into the air. Jenny’s scarf pulled free from the chariot and she fell with a teeth rattling jolt on her behind. The chariot crashed and Mogo was tossed from it. The witch landed on top of the pile of groaning kalidahs.
Jenny rose unsteadily to her feet and saw numerous heavy, wooden doors materializing in the air above her. Mogo also made it to her feet and had transformed her hands into scaly talons with long, curling black claws. A pair of bat wings sprung from the center of her back and she flew at Jenny with her talons slashing violently through the air.
“You are going to die for forcing me to confront Glinda too soon,” squawked the witch.
Jenny braced herself and went into her best fighting stance. Her heart was racing but she could also not believe her luck to be facing down a witch in Oz. A ball of scintillating white energy slammed into Mogo’s side. The sorceress crashed into one of the room’s radiating blue walls with terrible force.
“Just in time, I would say, eh girls? What do you think, Mogo?,” asked a familiar voice from over head.
Jenny turned to look and was surprised to see that out all the doors that had materialized in the room emerged a different Glinda. They were all beautiful and all different. There were old, matronly Glindas and spunky teenaged Glindas. A fox-person Glinda floated on a magic carpet and a Black Glinda had a wreath of crystal spheres floating around her head. A morbidly obese Glinda sat in a winged throne that flew in great circles around the room.
Mogo rose to her feet. She was restored to her original appearance and had a look of complete terror on her face. She was surrounded by dozens of Glindas. Her team of kalidahs huddled together for a quick conference and then sped out of the strange blue space as fast as their tired legs could propel them. Mogo was alone.
“What kind of sorcery is this?,” demanded Mogo.
“You obviously are not used to dealing with the multiverse, are you?,” teased Jenny.
“Oh, don’t pick on the poor girl for having an incomplete education,” said the Glinda that greeted Jenny, Jack and the Saw-Horse when they first arrived.
“I was taught by the greatest witch in Oz,” protested Mogo, which caused all of the Glindas to twitter with laughter.
“Oh, you poor, delusional thing. You never got to the most important aspect of an education in our craft–the true nature of everything. It’s what makes all of what we call magic possible,” said a beaming Glinda-Prime, as Jenny now thought of her.
“This is insanity,” yelled Mogo, who now had tears in her eyes.
“No, this is the Legion of Glindas. We represent Glindas from across every reality and work from out of our Possibility Boxes to lend each other a hand,” said Glinda just as a pair of Glindas, one with a beard and one with a set of curling rams horns, brought a door on to the floor.
The door opened and out stepped a bent over, green skinned old witch dressed in the same costume as Mogo.
“Mistress,” shouted Mogo, who ran to the old hag and wrapped her in an embrace.
“Technically, not yet. In my reality, the witches known as wicked are the heroes fighting against the evil Wizard and his minions. My student, also named Mogo, was eaten by the Ferocious Lion. If you are interested, you can come with me and continue your education and perhaps provide an old woman some company,” said the old witch with a gnarly, gapped tooth smile.
Mogo began to sob and hugged the hag for all of her life.
“Can I bring my pet brain?,” asked Mogo.
“Of course, dearie, of course,” said the witch gently as she patted Mogo on the head.
The Legion of Glindas broke into applause. Jenny could not help it and joined in the applause as well.
One Month Later . . .
Jenny waved goodbye to her friends. Glinda presented her a back pack filled with photos of her travels through Oz. Jenny gave Ozma and Dorothy kisses on the cheek and then hugged Jack and Saw-Horse. She checked her hair in the polished, metal coverings of Tik-Tok the clockwork man and then waved farewell to everyone else.
“It’s been an amazing couple of weeks, guys, but I’ve got to go,” she shouted through cupped hands.
“Remember, Jenny Everywhere, no matter where you end up in life, you always have a home here with us in Oz. Pretty much all of the Lands of Oz are open to you. The Legion of Glindas have made sure you will be welcomed as a true friend no matter which version of our faerie land you end up in,” said Glinda while giving Jenny a hug.
Jenny thanked her and blew a kiss to the assorted Oz glitterati. She then focused, found a doorway and shifted.

***
Jenny found herself surrounded by tall pillars and the crumbling ramparts of an ancient castle. Wind blowing through the remains of the structure caused a lonesome moaning that sent a chill up her spine. About the ruins were the statues of kings and queens, knights and creatures like centaurs and satyrs.
“This place feels familiar,” said Jenny as she took a seat on a toppled pillar.
“Who are you?,” a young man’s voice demanded.
Jenny spun around and saw two boys and girls dressed in armor and carrying weapons staring down upon her from on top a crumbling staircase. A massive lion trotted up behind them. Jenny felt the lion’s eyes piercing through her. The creature had an air of undeniable authority and power. He was used to leading and inspiring. His was a power that was unquestionable and irresistible, at least according to him.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m not into holy wars! Later,” said Jenny and shifted out of there.

Who Is Jenny Everywhere?

2011-02-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

If you read the most recent post on this blog, in which I presented a story in which a spunky young woman named Jenny Everywhere landed in Oz, you might be wondering just who is this Jenny person and what does she have to do with "A Zen Master In Oz"?

Well, Jenny Everywhere (A.K.A. The Shifter) was created in 2002-2003 by Steven Wintle and members of the Barbelith.com forums as an open source character. As an open source character, Jenny is available to be used by any one in any way they want. The only stipulation that her creators have placed on her use is that the writer/artist/film maker etc. include this paragraph in the work:
The character of Jenny Everywhere is available for use by anyone, with only one condition. This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish. All rights reversed.

Jenny was created with the intent to add to the collective culture that we all share, represented quite well by the public domain, which is where are Oz pals can be found. Jenny, like Dorothy and Ozma, is not owned by anyone. Unlike the Oz folks, Jenny did not have her copywrite status elapse. Instead, she was created to belong to the world.

The result has been that Jenny has been used by creators in a wide variety of stories. Some of them are straight ahead sci-fi adventure tales and others are tongue in cheek "naturalist" nudey comics. She has proven to be the source of some wild and often very entertaining art. She is a sterling example of the importance and benefit of a common, shared cultural resource of ideas.

Since Jenny has the ability to "shift" from one reality to the other, as well as existing simultaneously in every reality, it only made sense that she would drop in on her fellow public domain figures in Oz. If Oz and Jenny were owned by some media conglomerate, like say Spiderman and Batman are, the meeting of the two concepts would be full of legal trip wires.

To learn more about what Jenny has been up to check out the excellent Shifter Archives.