Aaron's Observations and Opinions

A NEW BLOG!

2012-02-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I've pretty much stopped being angry. That's why I haven't written anything good in a very long time. However, don't fret, because you still have an window of insight into the mind of Aaron Hamma:

Adventure By The Pint

I'll be in the habit of updating this blog a little more often than this one (I promise!).

Please check out my new blog and keep checking back for updates!

Cheers!

CONSUME!

2011-11-20T16:53:00.001-08:00

Busy expanding the Zazzle store...lots of new items, mostly Dungeons and Dragons flavored. Check it out.

The Aaron's Obs and Ops Zazzle Store

Also, don't forget to check out Dustin's work...

House of Pancakes

'Tis quite good...

And please stay tuned for more new stuff coming soon!

Goodbye, Facebook...

2011-11-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Facebook,

This is a very hard, but also very necessary letter to write.

We've both done a lot of changing over the past four years, both for better and for worse. Sure, we had some good times playing Mafia Wars and Castle Age, but you and I both know that it takes more than fleeting fun to build a solid relationship.

I can honestly say that you are the biggest cause of stress in my life. At first, I thought the fact that you could put me in touch with people I had lost contact with was amazing. As it turns out, I lost contact with most of those people for a reason: they're idiots. Now I'm constantly inundated with status updates of my "friends" complaining about how poor they are and how much their life sucks. (Hint: If you have access to Facebook, you're already better off than a lot of people on this planet.)

I need to end this relationship, before I drive myself crazy. I would say the normal bullshit of how I'd like to remain friends, but I don't mean that. I want you out of my life, and off of my iPod, for good.

F@*$ you,

Aaron

Math, Society, and You...

2011-11-11T06:55:00.000-08:00

Like many of you, I often get sucked into Facebook. Also like many of you, I end up taking silly quizzes and polls because, let's face it, sometimes I have absolutely nothing better to do. The most recent poll I took was a simple, straight-forward math problem:

5+5+5-5+5+5-5+5x0=?

The answer is 15. Not 0. 15. No, there are not different ways to do this problem. I also don't care what your calculator says (yes, it's wrong). The answer is 15.

"But anything times zero equals zero!" according to many people in the comments section. Which is true. But only the last 5 is being multiplied by zero. What happens to all the other stuff? It becomes 15.

At first, I was sad at the number of people who answered zero. Seriously, this is a very basic math problem that a ten year old (or younger) should be able to do. I'm sure there are many people don't remember the most basic math skills, but I feel that this goes deeper than that. I very much felt like arguing with these people, until I came to the realization that this isn't really a math problem.

This is a social statement, and not about how many of us forgot the Order of Operations (PEMDAS ring any bells?) This problem is a statement about how we, as humans, tend to focus on the one part of the problem we recognize and solve it, rather than looking at the problem as a whole. Most people will see "x0" and think "anything times 0 is 0, so the answer is 0."

This is a wonderful statement on seeing the big picture. Do me a favor: Next time you're faced with a problem that you think has a simple answer...STOP! Look harder, because it might not be so simple.

Votes at the time of writing this:
0: 585,787
15: 415,075

I Don't Want Any Magazines, and I Love My Vacuum

2011-08-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Author's Note: The topic of religion is briefly addressed in this post. In no way am I attempting to demean or belittle any particular faith or denomination.

As I have said, my family and I have recently moved into a new house. It's a bigger house, with an actual yard, in a much better neighborhood. I never thought there would be anything that I missed about the old house. But, after only a couple of months, I found it.

This neighborhood has a ridiculous amount of solicitors.

At the old house, which was located in an alley, we would get two or three salespeople per year. Now, it's two or three per week. It's starting to get out of hand. Last night at around 8:00, a guy rang the doorbell and tried to sell us siding for our house. The same guy woke me up at 8:30 this morning to try again. No means no, mister.

I thought about putting a “NO SOLICITING” sign under my doorbell, but realized that's a bad idea. From the salesperson's viewpoint, a sign like that means one of two things: either a) a challenge, or b) a sucker.

I'll admit, I used to be a sucker. That's what happens when you try to be nice and polite. Most of the time, you need to be downright rude and just shut the door in their face to get them to leave you alone. Then there are the religious people, who don't believe they are “soliciting.”

Please don't get me wrong. I have nothing against religious people. At least, not until they knock on my door and tell me that everything I believe is wrong. I can guarantee that I am just as set in my beliefs as they are in theirs, and neither of us is likely to change any time soon.

So, I've decided to follow the only available course of action. I am going to give my house a reputation amongst the door-to-door sales community. (For some reason, I can see all the salespeople gathering in the back of a dimly lit warehouse, swapping stories of their time “on the road.”) I want salespeople to walk by my house and say to themselves, “I've heard about that house...”

You want to try it too? Here's the plan:

1) Whenever possible, answer the door completely naked. This shocks the salesperson and immediately gives you the upper hand.

2) Keep a spray bottle full of liquor (I recommend cheap whiskey) near the front door. Before answering the door, spray yourself a few times and put on your drunk face. When you answer the door, keep yourself propped up on the door frame, as if you can't stand by yourself. Also, belch as much as possible. (This one is much more effective before noon.)

3) Make your own religious pamphlets. Being agnostic, this one is really easy for me. I just need to draw a question mark on a blank piece of paper, then fold it in thirds.

4) Let your small child answer the door, and pretend like they own the house.

5) If you speak a foreign language, convince them that you don't speak English.

If you follow all these steps, solicitors might start leaving you alone. Even if they don't, at least it will be a LOT more fun when one comes to the door.

Second Chances

2011-08-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

Author's Note: I've already touched on this topic briefly, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Read the original post here.

I'll be the first to admit, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

I can also say that I have learned a very important lesson from each and every major mistake I've made. (I got my first set of dentures a week after I turned 27. Lesson: Don't do meth.)

My life now is pretty damn good. There is an amazing woman who (for some unknown reason) loves me, and we have the best little boy two parents could ask for. We bought a house, and I'm going to school so I can get one of those "real jobs."

Now that I'm halfway to my degree, I've been thinking about applying for a job in my field. I'm already dreading the interviews.

My most recent experience with job interviews has not been pleasant. Last summer, I had quite a few of them. Unlike most people, I have a horrible habit of being honest during an interview. For example:

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Usual Answer: I felt that it was time to move on to something new/expand my skill set.

My Answer: Because I had developed a drinking problem and could no longer deal with stress in a reasonable way. I have since stopped drinking heavily, though I do still have a beer or two occasionally. I have also been diagnosed with a brain disorder, and have been on medication for the last (insert time period here).

Most potential employers will at least finish the interview, but I did have one gentleman stop right there. He asked me why I told him all that, and I couldn't help but look at him like he was crazy.

BECAUSE IT'S THE F@#KING ANSWER TO THE QUESTION!!!

He proceeded to tell me that I wouldn't be getting the job, and he encouraged me to lie at my next interview. I told him that I wouldn't. It's not fair to myself or my potential employer. I've done my share of lying, from the little white ones to the giant ones, and it's brought me nothing but trouble.

I shouldn't have to lie about who I am to get a job. Like I said, I've learned something valuable from every mistake I've made. I've apologized to the people I hurt. I've tried to make amends the best that I can. My only hope is that I will someday find an employer who will be impressed by my honesty, not offended by it.

How I Spent My Summer (So Far...)

2011-07-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Author's Note: I got home from taking my last final about half an hour ago, and summer school is officially over. All I want to do is sit on my couch, maybe have a beer (even though it's only 10:30 am), and watch TV and movies while I forget everything I learned this summer. Needless to say, I'm feeling rather uninspired at the moment. I've decided to take this opportunity to share with you one of the essays I wrote this summer. This is much more serious writing than you're used to me doing, but I hope you enjoy it.

As we go through life, it seems that the only constant is change. Living in Missoula for nearly twenty years, I have seen open space become urban sprawl. I have seen buildings get demolished and new ones constructed. I have seen businesses close and new ones move in to replace them. My own life has changed in more ways than I could ever have imagined. Everything around us is constantly evolving. However, if you look hard enough, you can almost always find a spot that seems untouched by time. For me, that place is the Western Montana Fairgrounds.

It's always the smell that brings my mind back to my childhood experiences at the fairgrounds. It's a very unusual smell, a combination of cigarette smoke and fried food, a fragrant bouquet of unhealthy decisions. The smell triggers my other senses. I can see the bright lights of the carnival rides and hear the sounds of a demolition derby in the distance. I can even feel hot asphalt under my feet, sticky from someone's dropped soda or beer.

I spent most of my early childhood in Butte, less than two hours drive from Missoula. I had a lot of extended family in Missoula, and my family would make the drive every August to attend the annual fair and visit family. We relocated to Missoula when I was eleven years old, and the tradition of yearly carnival rides and animal exhibits continued. I went to the fair every year that I can remember up until I graduated from high school. There were also countless other events to go see at the fairgrounds, such as circuses, monster truck shows, and horse races. Needless to say, the fairgrounds hold a multitude of childhood memories for me.

I went to the fairgrounds recently after not having been there in several years. This is a place that truly seems frozen in time. The buildings appear to be in the same state of disrepair they've always been in, but I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks on me. The paint on the buildings is trying to escape, slowly peeling away; the green colored trim is incredibly dated. The grandstands have a very deceiving appearance about them. They look as if they're about to topple like poorly stacked blocks, but walking on them reveals them to be quite sturdy and dependable. Strangely, that's exactly how I remember them.

Other than this one little time capsule in the middle of town, everything else about Missoula has changed. Even the streets that run right next to the fairgrounds have been reconfigured. This town has grown so much, and it seems to take up more and more of this valley's footprint every day.

Everyone who lives here tells the story differently, the “I remember when Missoula was this small” story. Most in my generation tell the story of North Reserve Street. Two decades ago, it was mostly empty space. Now, it is a true monument to consumerism, with strip malls and chain stores as far as the eye can see. Just as my hometown is evolving, my life is changing as well.

The place I'm in right now is truly a place of transition. My wife and I recently bought our first house together. Other than having a child, this is the biggest change either of us has ever experienced. I absolutely despised most everything about the last place we lived, but it was still home. This house is new and unfamiliar. It's not home. I have a piece of paper with my name on it that says the house belongs to me, but it's not home.

It still feels like my family and I are staying in the house of a stranger, but for some reason this stranger's house happens to have all of our stuff in it. It smells like someone else, it sounds like someone else, and it feels like someone else. Yet I've come to realize that the smells, sounds, and feelings aren't going to change. My perception of them is what is going to change. Today's changes are tomorrow's constants.

While we were in the process of moving in to our new house, I found myself imagining how this place would become a part of who my son is. He turned three years old the week we moved in, and he will, in all likelihood, live here until he graduates from high school. He will probably identify this house as his first real home. It doesn't quite feel like home to me yet. To him, home is wherever Mommy and Daddy are, and I think he may be on the right track.

After spending all this time thinking about my sense of place, I came to the realization that my actual physical location has very little to do with my place. The people I surround myself with are a much better indicator of my place than land, buildings, or trees ever could be. My physical house may not feel like home yet, but my family is with me, and that's what makes it my place. Wherever my wife and son are, that's where my true home, my place, happens to be at that moment.

Thinking back to my recent revisiting of the fairgrounds, I wonder again if my mind was playing tricks on me. Was I looking at reality, or was my mind resurrecting my memories and showing them to me? Could it be possible that the past and present were somehow combined into one? I doubt it, but it really made me think not only about where I fit, but how I fit there. It also made me realize that things are always moving, always changing. It is the things that stay the same, whether in reality or just in our memories, that are the important things to hold on to.

Seriously, I have a mental illness...

2011-06-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

For those of you who might not know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a little over a year ago. I'm currently taking a writing class at my local university. My current assignment is to write a personal essay. It was a no-brainer to write my paper on bipolar disorder, being that it's something that constantly affects me and those who love me.

I'm not about to say that I know everything there is to know about this illness just because I have it, and there is really no such thing as too much information (well, reliable information). This morning, I went to the bookstore to find a couple of books on the subject. I immediately headed to the "Health/Medicine" section. Most of the books were "Look Like Me!" by Sally Celebrity, or "Crazy Fad Diet" by Dr. Quack.

I asked the woman at the counter were I could find a book on bipolar disorder. She directed me to the "Self Help" section. For someone with bipolar disorder, this was like a slap in the face. It's like telling me that my illness isn't legitimate, or that it's my fault I'm sick.

So, a book titled "Bikini Bootcamp: Two Weeks to Your Ultimate Beach Body" is in the Health and Medicine section and books relating to mental illness are in the Self Help section.

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Be Nicer, Damn It...

2011-06-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

Common courtesy is a large part of what makes us civilized people. Unfortunately, it seems to me that it is becoming less and less common. Working in a customer service position, some people's behavior can drive me insane. It boggles my mind that so many people seem to think that they're better than me because I sell ice cream out of a truck (trust me, it's a lot less creepy than it sounds).

Whenever I'm dealing with a less than ideal customer, I repeat a simple mantra over and over inside my head: “Smile and nod...smile and nod...smile and nod...” It works for most of them, but some of these customers really get under my skin. That's why I have a blog...so I can bitch to all of you about them.

Don't get me wrong...there are still some decent human beings out there. I love hearing the words “please” and “thank you,” especially out of the mouths of children. Being polite is not a difficult thing to do, particularly if you make a habit out of it. Then you won't even realize you're doing it. Unfortunately, these good customers are heavily outnumbered by the butt-nuggets (excuse my language).

I've decided to spend this time to discuss some principles of basic human interaction. Apparently, some people out there need a refresher course on how to be human. I am discussing these principles in the customer/employee context, but they can also apply to just about any interaction between two people.

When I'm working, I greet every customer the same way: “Hi there! How are you doing today?” The rule states that there are only a select few appropriate answers to this question. They all include a vague, yet positive adjective (good, fine, well, etc.) followed by the reciprocation “and you?” At this point, I would even be content to drop the “and you?” entirely and just get and answer to the question.

Here are some of my favorite inappropriate responses to the question “How are you doing today?”

-Silence: Not only does it make you look rude, it makes you look like an idiot.

-Chocolate!: (Again, I sell ice cream.) The mere fact that I have acknowledged your presence does not give you the go ahead to yell your order at me.

-Gassy: I don't really care how you're doing. I was only being polite, expecting the same in return. How silly of me.

The College Experience

2011-05-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm almost officially halfway done with college. I've really learned a lot in the past year, especially in regards to how ridiculous some people can be. In honor of these individuals, I'm creating a short list of rules that no one covered at orientation.

1. “Is this going to be on the test?” should not be a question that is asked in a college classroom. If the professor is taking the time to talk about it, you should probably pay attention.

2. If you want to take a nap, just go home. Although the library may seem like a nice, quiet place to snooze, your snoring makes it hard to study.

3. Don't pick a fight with the professor. Is it really worth repeating the class? Especially if he/she is the only one who teaches it?

4. Don't complain about how you got a D on a test because you were hungover when you took it. That's nobody's fault but your own.

5. Don't get hammered the night before a test.

6. Don't be the smartest person in class. Or if you are, don't let anyone know about it. They won't leave you alone.

7. Don't be the dumbest person in class. You probably won't be in college for long.

Seven simple rules to follow to make the college experience better for everyone.

Oh, and don't forget to visit the new store!

Double Standards and Self-Contradictions

2011-05-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

The summer blockbuster season is upon us! With Thor opening this weekend, I've been doing my research, reading reviews to see if it's worth the ridiculous price to go see it in the theater. While reading reviews, I stumbled across one that just plain made me mad. It's not often that a review of a comic book movie makes you think about racism. Unless, of course, that review comes from Clay Cane over at BET.com.

Cane begins his review by saying that Thor is the worst Marvel movie ever, next to Iron Man 2. He's obviously never seen the Nick Fury movie starring David Hasselhoff, or the Ang Lee fiasco known simply as “Hulk.” I'm already doubting his qualifications to write this review. Furthermore, Cane bases his judgment of this film solely on two criteria, one of which really has nothing to do with the film.

The first of Cane's problems with this movie is that there just aren't enough black people in it. Imagine that! Norse mythology isn't chock full of black people! Should I be offended that there aren't any white gods in the Hindu pantheon? I don't think so. The fact that Marvel Studios actually did make one of the Norse gods black makes his argument that much more ridiculous. Or maybe I'm being ridiculous in looking for historical accuracy (fictional or otherwise) in a comic book movie. Also, I think Mr. Cane should take a hard look at the BET website before he comments on how a race is missing from something. The whitest person I found was Mariah Carey.

Cane's only other problem with this film is that there's too much CGI. “Nearly every scene is a green screen, leaving little authenticity, especially in 3D, an overused fad that Hollywood needs to retire.” Yet somehow, he gave Avatar (a.k.a. Pocahontas in Space) a B+. Now, I'm really confused...

The only conclusion that we can draw from this review is that Clay Cane didn't like this movie simply because there are too many white people in it. Is it just me, or is that racist? I'll be the first to admit that I don't like Tyler Perry movies, but it has nothing to do with the amount of black people in them. It's just that they're horrible, horrible movies.

Shopping Carts and Common Sense

2010-11-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

To the three people that actually read my blog (one of whom is my mom):

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've written anything. Now that I'm a college student, I really just don't have the time or energy to be as angry as I used to be. However, there is a very important topic I would like to discuss today.

Every Saturday morning, my girlfriend, my son and I go grocery shopping. And every Saturday morning, I am astounded by the number of people that do not understand how to push a shopping cart.

It's really not that complicated. Just follow the same rules you would use while driving. Wait a second...I just realized that the people who can't push a cart are probably the same people who can't drive. Here are four simple rules to follow while shopping with a cart.

1) Stay to the right! This rule should also apply to hallways, stairways, and just about everything else.

2) Do not leave your cart unattended. You may find items in your cart that you didn't intend to purchase. I encourage everyone reading this to place random, preferably embarrassing items into any unattended shopping cart you find (i.e. tampons, condoms, or Brad Paisley CDs).

3) Do not stop in the middle of the aisle with your cart perpendicular to the shelves. All you're doing is proving to the rest of the world that you're a self-absorbed idiot.

4) Every grocery store I have ever been to has many convenient places to put your cart when you're finished using it. It kind of makes me sad that people are unable or unwilling to walk an extra 30 feet to put their cart away. It's no wonder this country is so fat.

It really is that simple. If you follow these rules, chances are I won't hate you.

P.S.
If anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas, I would really like a ticket book. I can not imagine anything as awesome as issuing a fake citation to the next idiot I see.

People Watching

2010-08-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to be less judgmental lately, but people do not make it easy for me. I am by no means a "fashion expert," but I feel as though many people may share my opinion on this topic.

I have recently started a new job. My position requires me to sit in a truck at an outdoor market and sell ice cream. During the slower times, I have nothing to do but sit back and watch people go by. I have come to the conclusion that 75% of people do not have mirrors in their homes, otherwise they wouldn't be in public looking the way they do.

Here are a few guidelines I have come up with. Please feel free to share them with everyone you know. Maybe, just maybe, we can stop some of the ridiculousness.

1. If you have more hair on your back and shoulders than on your head, you are not allowed to wear a tank-top.

2. If the lowest point on your shorts is the crotch, they are too short (especially if you're a male). Normally these kinds of shorts are called "underwear."

3. You are not allowed to wear the aforementioned "underwear" over a pair of tights, unless you have some sort of superpower (or you're Batman).

4. Old men are still allowed to hike their shorts waaaay up and tuck their shirt in, just because it will always make me laugh.

5. (From a previous post) If you have something written across your ass, don't get mad at me for trying to read it!

6. Dress your age. Nobody wants to see a sixty year old woman in short-shorts and a low cut tank-top. But I guess this one is somewhat hypocritical coming from a guy who's almost thirty and wears nothing but comic book t-shirts.

I'm sure that people could say numerous things about how ridiculous I look. I know that people could say things about how I used to look (like the year I dressed as a baby for Halloween, complete with a mohawk and beard). I know I'm being judgmental...I just don't care.

The Great Apartment Hunt

2010-07-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I'm always on the hunt for something, doesn't it?

Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything of any substance, but it's been a very busy month for me. I'm finally going to school (college, that is), and I've been preoccupied with jumping through hoops and filling out paperwork. I also got a (very) part-time job driving a (very) large truck. Yes, I've been busy.

Now, it's time for the final thing on my list of things to do: Find a place to live.

And I thought job hunting was hard. Finding a decent apartment at a decent price is impossible. Most property management companies require you to have three times the income as the price of rent and utilites. That means that between my job and my student loans, I can afford a $300/month apartment. Unfortunately, those do not exist. Ok...let's try option two.

A room for rent. Sounds easy enough. Unless, of course, you have a two year old son that's going to be staying with you a few nights a week. I live in a college town. Everyone that's seeking a roommate wants to party hard. I'm sorry, but I never really liked Andrew W.K. I'm sure there has to be an older couple somewhere in this town with a room for rent, but unfortunately they haven't figured out how to use Craigslist yet.

One last thought: If you have a room for rent, and have a preference on the sex of your roommate (which is totally legal, as long as it's shared living space), you should put that in the ad. You could at least tell me when I come over to view the room, or when I'm filling out the application. I'm baffled by why you decided to waste both your time and mine. I guess it's for the better, because I'd rather live in a cardboard box than live with an idiot.

When Are You Going To Learn?

2010-07-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

I know that there are a lot of tech-heads out there that will agree with me on this one.

The new Apple iPhone 4 has major issues. This is me being shocked.

A word of advice to everyone out there. Never, never, never buy first generation electronics. Ever. I guess that's more than one word, but you know what I mean. Every company sets a release date for their product, and for some reason they think that meeting that deadline is the most important thing. Screw the bugs, we've gotta get this thing on the shelves.

Most of the bugs in these products aren't even discovered until they're available to the general public, like things not being used properly and exploding (anybody remember plasma screen TVs?).

There is absolutely no reason not to wait at least six months to purchase new electronics, except if you need to be the coolest person ever. Let's look at it this way. You paid $400 for your awesome, state-of-the-art iPhone. I paid $10 for my Samsung "dumbphone" that came with my plan. Mine works, yours doesn't.

Who's the idiot?

Frontal Phlebotomy

2010-06-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today, I had an appointment to get some blood drawn. When I arrived at the hospital, there was already a very long line waiting to be checked in. After standing in line for fifteen minutes, I got checked in and took my seat in the waiting room. I watched as all of the people ahead of me in line had their names called, anticipating that my name would be next. Seven people later, it was my turn. That's right. Hospitals really will make you wait longer if you don't have insurance.

Finally, it was my turn. At first, I thought I was rather fortunate, because my phlebotomist was a young and fairly attractive woman. I followed her back to the creepy little room and had a seat in the torture chair. She sat at her desk and asked me several questions, inputing my answers into a computer. After thumbing through my paperwork one final time, she slapped on a pair of gloves and said she was ready.

"No you're not," I replied. She never washed her hands! After years of working in the food service industry, I know that a pair of latex gloves is NOT a subsititute for washing your hands. I thought maybe the standards in the medical field would be a little more stringent, but maybe I'm wrong.

I wish you could have seen the look she shot me when I asked her to take off her gloves, wash her hands, and put on a new pair of gloves. It was somewhere between pure hatred and who-the-hell-is-this-guy-telling-me-how-to-do-my-job. "I don't need to wash my hands," she told me. "I just put on clean gloves."

"Did the gloves magically jump out of the box and land on your hands? If not, whatever was on your hands is now on the gloves. It doesn't take a scientist to figure that one out." I wanted to tell her this, but I didn't think it was a good idea to upset her any further. After all, she was about to suck out my life-force with a needle.

Well, she washed her hands, took my blood, and left me a little emptier inside (literally). I don't know where she went to school, but I'd really like to find out. Maybe she failed Handwashing 101 at DeVry.

I have just invented a new genre of music...

2010-06-25T21:37:00.001-07:00

It's called nerdgrass. Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.

It started off simply enough. I was playing my acoustic guitar, and I "accidentally" wrote a song about Chewbacca. When I realized that I was playing in G, I had an idea. "You know what goes great in G?" I asked myself. That's right, a banjo.

So, nerdgrass was born.

Ideas were coming to me left and right. A song about Captain Jean-Luc Picard with a sweet mandolin solo! A 3/4 song about Drizzt and Guenhwyvar (I had to get a book to see how to spell that). Of course, there would be the obligatory minor song (Em, of course), probably about Boba Fett or Sauron.

I thought I was brilliant, until I realized that there probably aren't a lot of hillbilly nerds out there. There's probably not a lot of Deliverance kids with access to iTunes.

I think I need to record this stuff, if for no other reason than personal amusement.

Author's Note:
According to my spellcheck, Chewbacca is misspelled, but Drizzt is not. Strange.

Ah...High School

2010-06-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

With my ten year reunion coming up, I've been reminiscing a lot about my high school days. I honestly don't have very many good memories of school, mostly because I was a nerd. I never got stuffed in a garbage can or got my head shoved in a toilet, but the emotional trauma was far worse.

Kids are mean, especially in high school. When I was in school, not a day went by when I didn't get called a "fag" or "homo." I was unaware that there is a direct correlation between a love of Star Wars and a love of men.

I never understood why I was loathed by the "jocks." I knew that I couldn't talk to them about the things that I loved, so I tried to center any conversations on things that they enjoyed. "Did you see the game last night?" I would ask. "You're a nerd, you don't like sports" would be the response. Let me explain what is wrong with this statement.

The main aspect of any sport is physics, whether you realize it or not. What nerd doesn't love a good physics problem? Also, just because I'm not an athletic person doesn't mean I don't enjoy watching sports. Side note: The biggest D&D nerd and the biggest football jock I know happen to be the same person. Chew on that one for awhile!

Needless to say, I will not be attending my high school reunion. I am still in contact with most of my high school friends, and I don't feel the need for everyone else to tell me how much better they are than me. I'm happy with where I am in life, and I don't need others to convince me otherwise.

The Hunt Continues...

2010-06-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

I still don't have a job, and it's not for lack of trying. When I first started looking for work, I applied only for things I have experience in, thinking that that was important. Apparently, ten years of food service experience is too much to get a job at a restaurant. I'm overqualified for the only thing I have experience in.

So, now I've moved on to applying for jobs in which I have no experience. Guess what? I don't have enough experience for those. I'm still unsure why I need six months of experience to stock grocery store shelves or to mow lawns. Seriously, I've been mowing lawns since I was 12, but since I didn't get paid for it, it doesn't count as experience.

I recently applied for a job at my son's daycare. I thought I would get this job in a heartbeat, for several reasons. First, I've been a stay-at-home dad for nine months. Anyone who spends time with my son tells me that he's very well-behaved and a perfect little angel. That doesn't happen by accident, you know.

Second, I'm a musician, which I believe would make a welcome addition to any childcare team. Do you know any children who don't like to sing and dance? I don't.

Third, the owner of the daycare would pay me to do my job, and I would immediately pay her a large portion of my wages for child care services. In theory, she would be paying me about two dollars per hour.

Alas, I didn't get the job. Instead, it went to a seventeen year old girl with enough eyeliner to cover the members of Green Day and Good Charlotte combined. Now my son has a horrible case of diaper rash, being that he sat in a wet diaper for at least four hours. His "caregiver" was too busy reading a magazine to be bothered.

I have since reworded my resume. It is now only two sentences:

Please give me a job! I am willing to work my ass off and utterly humiliate myself for a steady paycheck.

Aging As Gracefully As Possible

2010-06-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've recently been trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm no longer young. I am by no means an old man, but I've been doing and thinking a lot of things that say otherwise.

"I remember when..." is how I begin most of my sentences. I constantly find myself complaining about how much things cost.

I remember when cigarettes were between one and two dollars per pack. In the great state of Montana, taxes alone for a single pack of cigarettes is $2.71 ($1.70 state tax, $1.01 federal). On a related note, you should thank the next person you see smoking. Your taxes would be much, much higher if people didn't smoke.

The last time I was at the store, I seriously considered buying a nose-hair trimmer. Nothing makes you feel like an old man quite like the need for accessories to keep unwanted body hair under control.

I have also recently done some things that are very stereotypically "old-manish." I actually yelled at the neighborhood hooligans to "stay off my lawn." I don't know what's worse, the fact that I yelled at them or that I refer to them as hooligans.

My only question is, if I feel like this now, how am I going to feel in 40 years? Hopefully by then, I'll be completely senile, and that sort of behavior will be expected of me. For now, though, I guess I'll just have to deal with the fact that young people are stupid and things cost more than they used to.

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

I know that there are some people out there that think Father's Day is a bogus holiday. In many ways, I agree with you. There are many "fathers" out there that don't deserve a special day. Just because you had sex and now have to mail a check every month doesn't make you a father.

I think that Father's Day should be renamed in honor of the people that it's actually for. We should really start calling it "I Lived With A Pregnant Woman For Nine Months And Lived To Tell About It Day." I can honestly say that so far, that was the hardest part about being a dad. Granted, my son is only two and the worst is yet to come. I still think living with a pregnant woman will still make the top five hardest things when it's all said and done.

I am in no way trying to say that sharing a house with a pregnant woman is harder than being pregnant. It's not, and I know that. However, I am a male, and can never be pregnant. There is no way that I can ever understand the pain and suffering that my amazing girlfriend went through. I know there are other guys like me who, at some point during the pregnancy, looked at your partner and said, "If I could have the baby, I would." We are all a bunch of liars. None of us would ever voluntarily push something the size of a cantaloupe out of any orifice.

I would like to use this Father's Day to say thank you to all the moms in the world. None of us would be dads if it weren't for you. Most of all, thank you Tara. I love you and I wouldn't be a father without you...at least not nearly as good of one.

The Partial Solution To Drunk Driving

2010-06-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

I usually try not to read the newspaper, because it only makes me angry. This morning I was confronted by another case of personal responsibility gone to hell.

A guy leaves a bar, gets in his car, and smashes into a Highway Patrol vehicle. The drunk driver dies on impact, the Highway Patrolman dies a few days later. Who is responsible for this tragedy? That's right. The bartender. I understand that bartenders are supposed to stop serving people when they get "too drunk," but let's look at this from a business standpoint.

You own a bar. People come into your establishment for one reason: to get drunk. You cannot run a successful business by refusing to serve your customers. I used to have a pretty bad drinking problem, so let me tell you something from my own personal experience. I have never, not even once, been turned down when ordering a drink. There where times where it took me three or four tries to get my order across to the bartender, but I always got my drink. Always.

I have an idea. Could this tragedy possibly be the fault of the guy who was driving drunk? Yes, it could very well be. But it's hard to make an example out of someone who's dead. Why not go after the guy who sold him the car? If he didn't have a vehicle, it never would have happened. Or better yet, let's go after the car manufacturers, because if they didn't make cars, people wouldn't drive drunk.

It's time to stop this ridiculousness. I think all bars should be equipped with a Breathalyzer. When a patron enters the bar, he is required to hand over his car keys when he orders his first drink. He can get them back when he leaves, if he blows under the limit. This is such a simple solution to the problem, and I refuse to believe that I'm the only one that's had the idea. Granted, this won't stop all drunk driving, but it'll make a huge dent in the problem.

Let's stop all the bitching and moaning and actually do something about it, shall we?

Author's Note:
I am in no way trying to make light of a horrible tragedy. The thoughts and prayers of my family and I go out to the family of Trooper Michael Haynes.

Seriously, She's Weird Looking

2010-06-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have some advice for anyone who thinks that Megan Fox is attractive. Quit drinking.

I don't understand where this image of the ideal woman came from. Why does a woman have to be orange and undernourished to be considered attractive? Since I like to concentrate my energy on one person in particular, I chose Megan Fox. She is obviously not famous for her incredible acting ability. She hasn't even been in a single good movie. Some of you might say "What about Transformers?" Like I said, not a single good movie. Transformers was awful. I wanted to see a movie about big freaking robots from outer space, not a bunch of whiny people with problems and Megan Fox in a skirt. Sorry I'm off topic, but one last thing. Bumblebee is NOT a Camaro! Never has been, never will be. Screw you Michael Bay. You are now tied for first place with Joel Shumacher on my list of "People Who Bastardized My Childhood."

Sorry, back to the skinny girls. I have some advice for you single men out there. Stay away from the skinny girls. Thin women are thin because they're hungry. Hungry women are cranky. Mathematically, we can assume that skinny girls are cranky. Anybody want to argue?

One last thing:

Megan Fox has 7,221,084 fans on Facebook. I have 43. She's weird looking and has no talent. I'm weird looking and have some talent. It's up to you, loyal readers. I need more fans than Megan Fox. Can we do it? No, probably not. But tell your friends anyway.

Smoking...And Other Self-Destructive Behaviors

2010-06-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am a smoker, and I have been for years. Yes, it's a horrible addiction, and I've tried to quit many, many times. Maybe next time, right? Since there is already so much ill will toward smokers, I try to be as courteous as possible about it. I don't throw my butts out my window while I'm driving (that's what the ashtry is for!). When I'm in a public place, I try to stay away from entrances to buildings, or I just go stand by my truck in the parking lot.

I recently had a bizarre experience outside of a McDonald's that I'd like to share with you. I had just pulled into the parking lot, and was standing outside my truck finishing my cigarette. A very large fellow walks by me, and feels the need to inform me that smoking causes cancer. I have a very small mechanical device implanted in my brain. It's function is to keep my smart-ass thoughts in and let the intellegent stuff come out. It failed. "Really? I had no idea? Why didn't anyone tell me?" was my only response. He continued on his way, pretending to cough.

Seriously, does he think he's a doctor because he can repeat something that's common knowledge? Also, I don't think I'm going to take health advice from the 400 pound guy waddling into McDonald's.

Superman Vs. Batman: The Ultimate Nerd Debate

2010-06-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Author's note: I am extremely biased on this topic, but I will do my best to present both sides fairly and equally. Actually, I probably won't. Maybe I should have titled this blog "Batman rules and Superman sucks." This should in no way be considered fair and balanced journalism.

If you hadn't noticed, I've been a little angrier than usual in my last couple of posts. I've decided that it's time to lighten the mood and get back to the things that are truly important, like comic books.

Let's start with Superman. Kal-El (a.k.a Clark Kent, Superman) illegally immigrated to the United States in 1933. He was found in a field by Jonathan and Martha Kent, who forged the paperwork to make him appear to be their own legal son. I guess leading a double life just comes naturally to some people.

The rest of the story you already know. Superman, the big blue boy scout, always blindly following orders, using his giant array of superhuman abilities. Seriously, what's the appeal of a man who can do everything? He can fly, has super strength, super speed, laser vision, x-ray vision, and microscopic vision just to name a few. If his eyes are so awesome, why does Clark Kent need glasses? And don't tell me that it's for disguising himself. When I take my glasses off, I still look like me.

Batman (a.k.a. Bruce Wayne) has no real superpowers to speak of. He's just a man, albeit a very wealthy and intelligent one. People often mistakenly assume that his motivation is vengeance, but that is simply false. He's not trying to bring his parents back, and his not trying to punish the criminal involved in his parents' deaths. He is trying to keep what happened to him from happening to anyone else. He is the epitome of self-sacrifice and determination. Basically, he's just awesome.

People are always trying to get me to believe that Superman stands for the American dream, with his moral values and integrity. I disagree. Batman is ridiculously rich, without actually having to work for his wealth. He has the most technologically advanced car, plane, and boat, which are used to show others how important he is. That's the American dream that I know.

Just about anyone will tell you that, between brains and brawn, brains are the more important quality. Anyone who doesn't is probably very strong and dumb as a rock (like Superman).

"Who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?" If you don't already know the answer to this question, read Frank Miller's 'The Dark Knight Returns.' Not only is it one of the greatest written works in history, it is hands down the best 'Hero vs. Hero' fight in all of comics. Read it, and you'll find out who the real king of the superheroes is.