abbagirl

fell down again

2011-05-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

the past ten days or so have been real shitty. pretty dark times.

things blew up at work. in a heinous way. and it's taken me almost two weeks to recover from it all.

but it'll be okay. things will eventually work out all right.

on 6/1, i start a new job, in a new office, but in the same department. that's how bad things got -- so bad that i was given a chance to leave and go for an entirely new environment. and i took it. i grabbed that chance, found a place i was interested in, and luckily, it worked out that the place was interested in having me come on board, too. i'm definitely interested in how things will pan out at the new job. the office's role is more in line with my strengths, i think. but there will indeed be some hurdles to overcome. still, here's hoping that things change for the better....

i seriously could use a change in pace and scenery. my mood had been so steadily improving the past couple of months or so, before the shenanigans at work came down. and the drop into darkness was so deep, so overwhelming, so staggering that i thought i would be lingering there for much longer than i have. when the bottom dropped out and i was hurtling down into that endless pit of misery and woe, i couldn't take the time to concentrate and look up to see if i could find any last flicker of hope. and being down that far, i didn't want to be around or near anyone. i can't say i'm one hundred percent back on the road to recovery quite yet. but at this moment, i do feel a lot better than i have in the last few days...

the things that are so crucial for helping me to maintain my health and outlook are yoga, tara brach's audio meditations, and a fucking fantastic therapist. whether i'm heading to my yoga class or coming in for a session with my therapist, these are sessions that require me to be at the center of the activity. and i just have not had that as often as i have needed. because i've always put the needs of others before mine, i have gotten so stretched out -- to the point where i have absolutely nothing left to give. but yoga, listening to guided meditations, talking out all my thoughts and troubles with an impartial but sympathetic and insightful therapist are helping me to rebuild myself so that i can regain some semblance of resiliency so that i don't necessarily have to always put the needs of others before mine and so i can just take care of myself a little bit better.

recent events at work totally put a dent in my progress.... but i've finally hit the bottom of the pit and can't fall any further. now, i've got a new shovel in hand and am ready to start trying to dig myself out again.

reborn

2011-04-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

wow. what a day i had.

this is the first time that i have ever had these words come to mind:

"i feel like i am being born again."

it ain't no joke. i've had enough drama these past 48 hours to make me want to spread my arms and dive into the oblivion that is the black hole of the universe. these dramas are bound to happen. each one pushes me closer and closer to the precipice. and i am so close to going over the edge that the fear is almost paralyzing. but it is inevitable that i should fall down into the pit and make my attempt to fly.

one of the major things i have done in the last day or so was write a letter. a hand-written, four-paged note on lined paper. i haven't written one in years. but it was one that i knew that i would inevitably write.

it was addressed to an old friend of mine from law school. an old, very good friend with whom i was so close. and someone i ended up pushing away from me, first because i kept failing the bar and was so ashamed of myself; and then because i was coming to terms with being gay and was afraid of her reaction. would she still love me? would she understand? would she judge me?

instead of growing the balls to just tell her and to face all of my fears, i disappeared on her. it took a long time. but i let the time and distance between us grow greater and greater, at first only incrementally and then by large leaps and bounds. to the point where i disappeared so completely, so callously, so crudely that, while she did notice my disappearance, she did not utter one word of protest or ever ask why.

and it sucks. for me, anyhow. i miss her. this very special friendship i had with her, this very special bond i forged with her, through tough times through law school and beyond -- i just let it all go. but i missed being able to confide in her. i missed her friendship, her care, her love. she is the very first friend i have ever had whom i have actually said, "i love you" to. that phrase has never ever really come easily to me.

it's been about a year since the friendship slipped away. but then yesterday, i was just so down in the dumps. i was miserable. and that misery is finally what pushed me to write that long over-due letter to her. in it, i said all the things i felt i should explain to her.

and i came out to her.

even just writing the words out was enough to almost make me start crying.

those words are just so hard to say. why is it so hard? i feel like such a coward. i prefer to recede, to hide, than to confront. and even when i do confront, it's because i have been pushed to the utmost limits that even my own will power cannot contain the emotions that have been festering inside.

i knew that, immediately after i finished writing the letter, i would have to put it in the mail. even though it was after business hours, i knew if i waited, i would chicken out from sending it. so i made sure to stop by the post office and drop it in the delivery box before i could ever change my mind. and so now it is on its way. it will be read, i'm sure, by tomorrow. . . .

another major thing happened today. i couldn't concentrate on work. i needed to talk to someone. unfortunately, my next therapy session is not scheduled until next week, and my therapist has told me, in the past, that while it is good for me to write out my emotions, i should not always be sending them to her, hundreds and hundreds of words, at a time; rather, i should continue to write them, of course, but hold on to them until our next session when i can share with her all the things that i have been thinking and feeling.

so because that option of communicating with my therapist was out of the question, i confided in another manager of mine.

i had to start by coming out to her. it seemed like the most natural thing to do and yet also the most awkward. there i am spilling out all my darkest secrets to someone who knew me only on a superficial, professional basis. i'm sure it was quite a massive inundation to her. but she handled it most well. it's crazy the good people you find you can turn to, when you least expect it but when you most need it.

so i am being reborn today. the birth is not complete yet. but i am getting closer each and every day.

drugs are good.

2011-04-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

prozac is the shit.

i don't admit this to anyone else, except for one or two people. but here, i am proud to say that i'm taking it. and i like what it does for me.

i'm here, where i am, because it works so damned well. and when things get tough and hard to handle, as they naturally do, then instead of reacting, i take a few seconds to take deep breaths, and those few seconds get me back to where i need to be emotionally and mentally.

thanks to my therapist, i am so much more vigilant of the kinds of self-defeating thoughts that naturally arise whenever the going gets tough for me. when i think and write, i am more conscientious of how often the word "should" arises in my vocabulary. i should do this -- i shouldn't think that -- she shouldn't act like that -- they should know better. and all these "should"s are just burdensome. they impose obligations and responsibilities on myself and, in my own view, on other people, so that when i or they inevitably don't live up to the "should"s, then it feeds all the turmoil and angst that begins to curdle and stew.

i'm getting better about those just in the past couple of days that i became aware of them. what also helps is yoga. mindful practices. things like that.

i can't say i'm a whole new person yet. just today, i was going through some thoughts and emotions that i knew better than to get trapped into. but there i was, feeling all anxious and guilty about being so anxious. i don't quite know what i am going to do with myself. but i do have to say that, after a few years of being like this, if one wants to get better and healthier and stand on one's own feet rather than on the scaffolding of others, it IS possible.

just give yourself a chance. and exercise patience with yourself.

cost of living

2011-04-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

the price i've had to pay in order to feel as okay as i do right now:

16 months of therapy.
11 months of anti-anxiety meds.

and has it been worth it?

it sure has.

mad

2011-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

drama at work! wow. i just left one office to work in another. but the two offices are closely connected in that the superiors are b.f.f. and have themselves worked together a lot before both of them ending up leading these two separate offices. the boss i work for now is of higher rank than the head of the other office. but that apparently is of no consequence to them because their b.f.f. status sometimes supercedes all else.

i am in big trouble with the head of the other office. she is escalating something that shouldn't have been escalated in the first place. my own boss is aware of this stuff but has yet to throw his two cents in. i'm hoping he'll give me a chance to explain my side of the story. but the balls of that other boss. . . . to call me unprofessional and say my behavior is unacceptable? knowing how mild-mannered and always ever-so-helpful i am? that i cry at the drop of a hat? that i let a lot of people push me around? and i am unprofessional?

i am mad. i want them to bring it. buh-RING IT. i won't take this lying down. and if my own boss doesn't have my back tomorrow and comes down hard on me, i'm leaving his ass. i'm gone. i don't need this bullshit. i really thought i left all this drama behind me when i changed offices. i had really hoped that i could now begin to concentrate on developing as a professional and leave all the pettiness behind . . . .

guess not.

and the person over whom all this has been instigated? she's already un-friended me on Facebook. wow. are we, like, 14? what a gesture. how very grown-up.

all i can say is that all bets are off. i have protected her, helped her, tried to be there for her. but she's lazy, is not detail-oriented, whines a lot, and has a woe-begotten, world-is-against-me attitude. and i have tried to help her because i sympathize with her and never wanted bad things to happen to her. and this is how she repays me? seriously? seriously.

i'm mad. really mad. i can't wait for tomorrow. i can't wait to see how my boss handles this or if he even cares. if he doesn't care, good! let me handle it, with the help of another supervisor. at his level, he shouldn't have to be dealing with this petty shit. if he trusts me and understands where i am coming from, then that will be awesome. if he doesn't . . . i just gotta get out of there. but i will make sure to do so with reputation intact. and if mud gets slung around, i will and must be prepared to sling some mud back so that i am not the only one tainted.

i may be a push-over a lot of the time. but once you go too far, it's over. i know how to fight back. and i will. and you will get tore up good and hard. ain't no lie, my friend. ain't no lie.

finally, a new chapter

2011-01-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

whoa. fast pace. i can't even keep up.

given that i now know of all the nutritional deficiencies that my body has, thanks to the lack of appetite that has recently arisen due to the addition of just a tad more stress, drama, and anxiety in my life, it is crazy that i would even think to make the stress, drama, and anxiety a more lasting part of my life. but i must be crazy indeed, because i did decide to make them a part of my life for at least the next couple of years.

about a month and a half ago, i was asked to do a favor at work: become someone's assistant for a short of period of time to help the person, who has a lot of high level meetings and a frenetic daily work schedule, do what he needed to do to be on top of his work. i was actually the third person asked; the first two who had been asked before me were not keen on taking this task on essentially because they didn't like the guy.

but i like the guy. so when i was asked, i said sure.

being someone's assistant is tough. it sounds like a pretty lowly title, having to "assist" someone. but based on my experiences this past month and a half, while the tasks i have to do aren't too complicated, everything happens really fast. i have to keep an eye on the man's schedule and make sure that his meetings go in a logical, logistical flow, i.e., i can't schedule him to be in one part of town, then schedule him to be in another part of town 25 miles away right after. then, while the man is out of the office, there are all the little fires to put out there at the home office. when will he be back? when is he free to meet? did he get a chance to read this memo? what is the status of that report? it's . . . a lot of crap to keep track of, to tell the truth.

but it's also . . . kind of fun.

stressful.

but fun.

it has an effect. my heart rate tends to go at a frenetic pace, even on the weekends, when i'm supposed to be relaxing and recuperating and getting ready for the work-week ahead. it is stressful. i have to always be one step ahead of the guy, anticipate what might happen, what he might need in order to be able to get through his day. and at the end of each work-day, i often end up staying late so that i can get everything prepped for the next morning.

but i like it. i am getting a real perverse pleasure out of this. my body isn't handling it too well, but my mind wants me to keep going with this.

that is why, when i got a job offer to come on board permanently today, i took it.

i suppose that's the danger my old bosses should've been aware of when they offered me up to help the man out. i've worked with him before, you see, and we have always had a pretty good relationship. the danger always was that i, working as his assistant, would at least meet his bare minimal standards of what he wants his assistant to do and be. and that i would want to take that on, since everything about the position appeals to every part of my personality, tendencies, character.

i'm also thinking it is a good thing to just move on in general. i've been at my old job for almost three years now. i was getting too settled in there. getting a bit too bored. and of course, with my ol' ex-roommate not only working there as well, it has been really good to get away and establish this distance.

so i feel i am doing the right thing overall, in making this change.

of course, my ol' bosses are not pleased. i think they will see what they can do to try to retain me.

it feels good to have this little tug of war. this just tells me that i put out good enough work to be wanted anywhere.

i mean, i feel bad, too, because i'm moving on and leaving so many co-workers and managers, whom i now consider to be good friends, behind.

but i am ready for this change.

on to the next.

let's do this.

:)

rain, rain, go away!

2011-01-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

this whole time, feeling fatigued, unenergetic, like a lump of clay.

and know what my problem ultimately is?

lack of vitamin d.

i really have very little vitamin d in my blood. and it doesn't help that the sun has been seen only once or twice in the past month or so.

so i am taking supplements twice a day. hopefully, the vitamins will get my health back on track.

just goes to show how important the sun is. i never thought that the lack of sunshine could have as great an impact on my health as it has. i always knew i was a sunshine, summer baby. but my system is more dependent on the vitamin d in the sun's rays than i ever thought possible.

time to go take my supplements now.

"i don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation"

2011-01-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

i don't do well in winter.

in winter, laziness takes ahold of me. the sight of the grey skies, the frosty, frozen tips of the trees and vegetation outside, the thick muddy pools of water hardening where they sit in the niches of pavement and dirt -- all of it makes me retreat to the indoors. i barely show my face in the out-of-doors anymore. in the mornings, when i leave for work, i hunker my head down further into the scarf wrapped around my neck so that no bit of cold seeps down into my coat. when i check in at the office, i don't emerge until 9 or 10 hours later, when i'm ready to go home. as i drive home, i am in a numb, irritated state, obnoxiously and yet not dangerously tailgating the slow idiot cars in front of me who clog up the fast lane rather than the slower lane. i enter my home the same way i exited it earlier that morning, head hunkered down and with fast steps; and upon entering, i turn on my little space heater to get the place warmed up again and try to rest for the next day.

every day is and has been the same every day. it's rather become ritualistic. i am in the rat race. i am one of the many rats.

seasonal blues aside -- life just goes on, huh? during the past number of months, i think i've begun learning how to live one raggedy day by one raggedy day. some days are better than others. a lot of the worse days have passed me by, and i haven't had as many bad days lately as i used to. i'm fine with that. viewing the world through these disdainful, unsurprised, cautious eyes, i'm fine with being free from uncontrolled chaos.

i've started to wryly joke a lot that i'm married to my job now. i have to make that kind of crack because, otherwise, i field a lot of questions about who i am seeing or why i haven't married yet or am not in a serious relationship with a guy. it's easier to be wryly dismissive than to say the honest truth.

i'm just not there yet. some days, though, i do want to just freely talk, say, with my mom and make gay jokes and talk about that last relationship i was in. i don't, though, because i'm wary and frightened. will i carry on like this forever? i really don't know. . . .

a man from work, one of my bosses, has also begun trying to cajole me into taking the bar exam again. how long has it been since i last took it -- a year? maybe more? time flies. . . . i don't want to take it again. i'm really done with it. but he still keeps cajoling. . . .

speaking of work, i think i am moving up. my pay and my status are still the same -- but i think i'm earning a lot more in terms of reputation, credibility, likability, trust. i'm ambitious enough to have that curiosity as to how far i can take this boon without losing my sense of integrity. life is quite a game, isn't it? i actually think about that quite a bit -- life, all the illusions that coalesce together to form what we believe to be reality. i often feel that i'm the only one around who notices the artificiality of it all even as i find myself still playing the game. it's fascinating to me. i sit back and observe the mechanisms of this society even as i participate in them and do my part.

is this what it feels like to not be co-dependent? i've never really not been co-dependent before. i'm still fighting those urges to care passionately about what other people think and feel about me. but every day, i feel like i do care a little bit less.

in any case, it's just so interesting for me to finally do this check-in with myself to see where i currently am and compare it to how i was before. i feel like . . . i really don't know where i'm at anymore. but i really don't care that i don't know. if that makes sense.

:-T

but i do know that i'm not quite there yet. and this time of year is enabling me to continue to kind of remain hidden and not engage too much with the outside world. maybe when spring comes back, i'll start re-emersing myself in the world, society, life again. but not until this frigid weather goes away; it's really doing a number on my desire to throw myself back out there and start having mindless fun.

all right. enough with this nonsense. now it's time for an up-beat song.

. . . .but i won't feel blue, like i always do

2010-12-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

heavy and dark

2010-11-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

i am going through a real crappy time right now.

i don't even know what to say.

just a couple of weeks ago, i really thought things could not get any worse.

but wow. life sure kicks you in the ass and teaches you to not take things for granted like that, because things can get worse.

although i must keep in mind that i should be grateful for some things -- like being alive, having a roof over my head, having food, and at least one or two people who care about me.

but i have to say that, while there may be some fight in, there have been a few times where i do want to give up completely. no longer put up a fuss. no longer take a stand. just kind of receded into the background.

the only person i have to turn to lately is my therapist. she's the one person who helps me hold it all together and remains steadfast for me throughout this storm.

my former roommate tried to be that for me yesterday. and it ain't working. her entire personality is exactly that which i am trying to fight against. but it's not just her anymore; it's other people who are just like her -- strong-willed, strong personalities, opinionated. i've had enough of those kinds of people. i just want to be able to take a step back, breathe, and be among people similar to me, similar to my therapist -- thoughtful, quiet, unobtrusive, reasonable. i just don't have anyone in my life like that any longer.

at the end of 2010, i picked up a chinese fortune-telling book for the next lunar year, the year of the tiger. the year of the tiger, according to the book, was going to be a challenging one for me. as one born in the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger is exactly six years away from the year of my birth. that six years is apparently quite telling. on the chinese horoscope chart, which has twelve signs altogether, the tiger is located diametrically opposite from mine at 180 degrees. it is my direct opposite. thus, any person born in the year of the tiger is not going to be good for me. and any year that is of the tiger will not be good for me, either.

i don't know if it's just a mere coincidence. but it's becoming quite true for me.

i've begun losing friends at work. coincidentally (or not), these friends are also friends with my old roommate as well. i am still on good speaking terms with my ex-roommate and have indeed already spent some time with her and her kid outside of work. but there has also been so much drama at work lately that it is just as well if i stop talking to her and all these other so-called friends as well. just goes to show that i can't be friends with everyone and that i should probably stop trying. not that i have it in me to want to be so nice to people anymore. . . . i think i'm done. i'm drained.

one could say that i am stuck in a bout of depression. i wouldn't disagree. for the longest time, i have been trying to do my damnedest to snap out of it. but i keep getting bogged down in drama -- professionally, personally, and in my family. it's gotten to the point where i really don't want to take it anymore. i can't. not if i want to stay sane and have hope and reason to keep going . . . .

hopefully, my next post will be more cheerful. i'm tired of being so down and depressed. i just need to find a way, an incentive, to snap out of it.

a new girl

2010-10-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

that girl is on my mind.

no, not my ex-roommate. for once. :-T

but that other girl at my other job. . . .

yesterday, she came to work looking amazing in a black dress. the top half of the dress was black with white polka-dots and was rather demure-looking, and the bottom half was all black and hugged her lower body in the right places and ended at just before her knees. she wore some black kitten heels to match, and overall she just looked great.

i kind of had it in my head that she was dressed that way just for me. up until then, i had never seen her dressed up at work. at that job, there is a somewhat strict dress code: we all have to dress business casual, at minimum, and be all in black. until yesterday, i had only seen her in black leggings or tapered-leg pants, or what-not. so to see her all dolled up was a pleasant surprise.

it could be my imagination. but she seemed to want my attention as much, if not more, than usual. and i have to admit that i went out of my way to be around her. she is rather affectionate with some of her friends at work, and that is starting to include me. and yet even now, i am blushing at the memories of her grabbing my arm a few times and bringing it to her chest. i feel like i now know the exact weight and feel of her breast just from those brushes against my arm alone. she also has very beautiful, intelligent eyes. i ended up getting so instantaneously caught up in them whenever our eyes met, and i could swear that, at those times, she could totally read how much i like her.

sheesh. i swear i'm no different than a horny guy who can't keep his hormones under control.

but i don't know if all of it is just in my head. maybe it is. i just don't want to get my hopes up. i like her -- and i like her a lot already. and i am definitely attracted to her. but at the same time, she is a young thing, and who knows with the younger, post-generation y kids these days. i'm glad that, more and more, the idea of sexual fluidity is being a little more openly embraced by those younger generations. but does that mean this chick is only out for some experimentation?

who knows.

there was an interesting moment yesterday, though, as she left for the day. my shift hadn't ended, so i was still at the front area, where i could look out through these large windows into the front parking lot. i knew her shift was ending and had kind of hoped she would whisk through the front so i could say goodbye. but she ended up stealing out a side door and into a car that was waiting for her in the front. i couldn't help myself; i watched her get in the car and the car start to drive away. suddenly, her head turned toward the window and she saw me. she saw me looking at her. she started smiling broadly and continued to look at me as the car she was in pulled away.

so yeah. . . . maybe she knows. . . .

:-T

despite it all, though, i know i'm not ready for any sort of intimacy with any other person. my therapist and i have talked about that a few times recently and are in agreement on that.

but i still can't wait to go back to work at the second job. . . .

:)

i don't make much money there. i think i get about nine bucks an hour for about twenty hours of work per week. it is a much-needed supplement to my income, for sure, though. a lot of people who know me are surprised by how long i've lasted juggling two jobs, which, on most days, require me to work 10 or 11 hours per day, with less than an hour separating the two gigs. it does get tough, physically, i have to say. but that bunch of people i work with at the second job are so amazing. yes, especially that one girl . . . . but the rest of them, too. i get the energy i need when i'm around others who exude that much energy and enthusiasm, and those are what help to perk me up by the time i get there in the evenings or weekends to help me get through my shift, however long it is. and for sure, now that i have even more of an incentive to come in to work there, i don't see myself giving up this second job for a long while to come . . . .

still in hiberanation mode

2010-10-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

wow.

that's all i can really say: wow.

i don't know if it's my anti-anxiety meds at work, but i haven't been feeling much of anything lately. no extreme emotions anyway. no extreme happiness, no extreme sadness, no extreme anger. nothing that i can't handle, anyway, although there are times when it gets pretty dicey.

my former roommate and her unit have moved up into the suite where i work. this is going to make for a very interesting situation.

especially since she and one of her other teammates have gotten their own offices.

now, she and that other teammate don't outrank me. in fact, i think i might outrank them, even though we both occupy the same position, if only because i have been in the position a little bit longer. i have another co-worker who i've been working with in the same suite who has the same position but has occupied it for far much longer than me, my former roommate, and her cohort combined. and yet she and i still are in our cubicles while the other two chicks have their own private offices.

this only happened yesterday. and it created quite a stir between me and my co-worker rather instantaneously.

i'm curious to see how the situation all gets resolved. what i find quite interesting is that, beyond all my control, there are more and more reasons being thrown at me, one after another, to sort of justify and enhance the current estrangement that i've been experiencing between me and my ex-roommate. just when i start getting a little soft-hearted and feeling nostalgic for our old relationship, something just happens to resurrect those feelings of, "oh that's right! you are a not-very-good-person for me." and then i can continue to go back to where i need to be in order to continue trying to rehabilitate myself.

it's just crazy for me to just kind of be all alone in this. i have my therapist, yes. but other than she, no one else knows just how much of a fucking basket case i really am. people see me, think i'm oh-so-funny, oh-so-charming, oh-so-smart, oh-so-light-hearted. and i am all those things. but i'm an absolute basket case, too. i have nothing inside me that is strong enough to keep myself grounded and here and where i need to be. i have all these feelings of anxiety that can get to be so troublesome to get a handle on. and yet no one really sees that. and it just . . . boggles my mind.

on to another note:

i've met this other girl; she's my co-worker at my second job.

i like her.

and she has been unbelievably flirty with me. each day, she gets a little bolder.

i still need to keep my distance because . . . well, she's kind of young. and i don't want to start causing work-place rumors to fly; all the co-workers at my other job are fairly tight-knit, and nothing really escapes their notice or knowledge. for instance, her flirting with me kind of got the attention of at least one other person yesterday.

still, she's really cute. beautiful eyes. great skin. and a nice decolletage.

but . . . she's off-limits.

:-T

all's good

2010-10-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

things are good.

no, really. they are.

i am taking things much better than i had anticipated. the process and anticipation themselves were what made the going difficult. but now that all is said and done, i feel so much better.

the big break-up of the household between me and my now-former roommate actually just happened. it was supposed to happen a couple of months ago, but we thought we could just make it work through the end of our lease. however, this last month of our lease has been tough. i worked to create the necessary distance that i would need in order to be okay with the break. and now that all is said and done and we have parted ways, i am actually pretty fine.

it took so long and so much out of me. but it's so great to be able to know just how fine i am with the whole ordeal over. i don't think i could've gotten to this point without my therapist. she absolutely rocks.

now that my former roommate is no longer the center of my universe, though, it's hard to get back to the swing of things. i am so used to orienting my world around others that, now that i'm on my own again, i barely know what to do with myself. but i am slowly trying to remember old hobbies that i enjoy -- reading comic books, minor arts and crafts projects, reading. even writing on this ol' blog.

most of all, however, i have been throwing myself into work. i no longer really need to work a second job, but because i enjoy the co-workers at my second gig, i feel no dire urge to quit any time soon. the long work-days and work-week are really starting to take a toll on me; i look like a zombie, and whenever my mom gets a good look at me, she starts wanting to shove food down my throat. but the tiredness is a good tiredness. the toll all the physicality takes on my body is a good distraction to the troublesome nagging thoughts that sometimes flits through my mind when i least expect it; it brings me back to the present instead of allowing me to continue to worry and fret about things beyond my control.

the whole bar exam thing is something i occasionally think about. but my therapist has encouraged me to not tackle all my troubles and woes at once and to just concentrate on getting my life and perspective all back into order. one of the main things i need to assess is if i really want to take it again and if i ever really wanted to take it at all. but that's all going to come later, for now, even though i started this blog to vent about my frustrations regarding the bar, at this time, i don't need to be thinking about stuff like that at all.

in the meantime, where does this leave me? i feel like i am in a state of hibernation. my body is going through the motions, needing to do what it needs to survive and to distract itself. but in the meantime, i am holding myself back, holding myself in, for the sake of getting myself better. as it is with most good therapy sessions, the longer i've been with my therapist, the more deeply entrenched i find that some of my bad habits, vulnerabilities, insecurities are in holding me down. at the same time, though, i feel that the one quality that my roommate has always criticized me for -- my idealism -- really is so uniquely me that it is now bubbling forth again. i always submerged my idealism, when i found out how strongly she looked down on it. but you know, there are certain things i believe in and trust in that are not jaded. and it really does feel good to not only know how strongly that idealism is felt in me but also to be able to express it freely. i seriously underestimated how much of my personality got suppressed just from being around her for so long and so often. . . .

so i'm finally on the right road that i need to be on. it feels scary and tenuous. but i'm glad to be here, now that the time has come. here's to a more favorable journey, from here on out, and this time, i am glad to be riding solo, armed with only faith and quietude, from this point forward.

turning a new leaf

2010-09-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

it gets really old and trite having to witness firsthand someone's mad, self-indulgent manic depressive state.

so i've decided to turn a new leaf, just for tonight. i myself am in need of some optimism.

i can't wait for next month. i'll still be working my second job because, other than the body aches and my inability to sleep, i have nothing against working there. i enjoy it. i enjoy my co-workers. i already have a grasp on how to do my job and do it well. no reason at all -- at least not yet -- to even want to leave. but in addition, next month, i will also have my half of the deposit for the house i rented with dimples back. i hope it'll be all of the deposit, but i am prepared for the possibility of getting maybe 60% of it.

that means money. maybe even enough to last me through a whole month. maybe even with enough to indulge in extravagant shopping sprees. i would like new clothes. i haven't bought myself new work clothes in a while. i don't feel as stylish as i used to. everything is rather old and worn. i've also been losing weight, so i don't fit in my clothes as well as i used to.

isn't that funny? i've always wanted to be a little leaner, a little trimmer. but with stress and anxiety wreaking havoc on my appetite, my frame, though, leaner, is not in a healthy state. my size 2 clothes just hang on me. i have a pair of trousers that, if i'm not careful, will find its way to sag down low on my butt. my butt itself, which i thought was practically non-existent before, now disappears into the loose sag of my pants.

it's not that i can't afford to eat. although that has sometimes been the case, at the tail end of each month. it's just that even when i should eat, i have absolutely no appetite. and i don't want any food in me whatsoever.

but next month, all this is going to change. i'm going to get healthy, and i'm going to stay healthy. for all the right reasons. for me. i will be able to dedicate all of my financial resources to my needs and my needs alone. i will eat and be merry and live in the moment. i am going to join a yoga class and become a devout student. i am going to write more and not be afraid to put my thoughts into words. i will spend more time with my family. i will cut out all extraneous, unnecessary stresses and only do things that are good for me and what i want to do.

i need to start living for me again. and i will stop clinging to false illusions and false refuges.

anxiety

2010-09-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

i'm a sufferer of anxiety.

but it's gotten worse over the past few days, weeks, months.

i am trying to get a better handle on it. when my heart begins to beat way too fast, i mentally pause and start concentrating on my breathing -- deep breath in, deep breath out. in. out.

it kind of makes me feel like bill murray's character in the movie what about bob? bob, trying to get over his bout of anxiety himself, would always start muttering to himself, "baby steps, baby steps, baby steps." i feel like bob whenever i do my breathing.

but hey, whatever works, right?

the anxiety arrives and takes over my mind and body when i start thinking about things that i fear. a common trope i'm finding, with the help of my therapist, is that i have a deep fear of the unknown and a fear of not gaining approval. thanks to my doc, i've discovered that i don't really have an identity that is all my own. i don't have a sense of self that is true to who i am. instead, i've created all sorts of identities -- false identities -- that i portray, depending on who i'm with. and because i don't have my own sense of identity, whenever i lose approval or standing with someone, i suffer a kind of identity crisis and i start panicking because so much of my identity is being lost as well. and so it becomes pretty traumatic for me to experience any change in relationship or loss of people who have become really important to me.

but i am working on being better about that. working on creating my own identity. it really is pretty hard and scary, though. like, at some level, i do know who i am. i'm sardonic, i like reading, i like being challenged. i like good food. i like feeling a sense of belonging. but at the same time, so much of my sense of value and worth stems from having the approval of others. i have wanted so much to be everything to everyone. and to tell the truth, i do still get a sense of pleasure from that. when i get a compliment from someone, it really does something to me to lift me up. but now, i'm just ever more watchful and aware of that. instead of relishing that approval, i am more watchful of my own self, of my own reaction to those words, and see how it makes me feel.

i gotta be okay. i've gotta get myself to be okay. i am always tired. but i am glad that i am working my second job. my co-workers are all younger than i am, but they have such a great attitude and enthusiasm about them. that sort of outlook is definitely lost among most of the other people in my life, so it is definitely great to be able to be among that. i work there generally four to five days a week, mostly just a few hours during the weekday evenings, then a full eight hours on saturday. while i'm always longing for some extra hours for sleep, i'm still glad to be on a whole other rhythm than dimples and to be able to actually start talking to people not within our usual circle of friends from work.

as for dimples, things have gotten so quiet between us. it's not even cold. just quiet. it's hard for me to deal with and contributes to my multiple daily bouts of anxiety. but there are times when i can actually let it go and be okay for longer periods of time than ever before.

baby steps. i can get to where i need to be just fine. little bit at a time.

still searching for direction

2010-09-09T12:38:00.001-07:00

i am not okay. i am not well.

this truth didn't really hit me until recently. i am sick. as in not healthy.

i am so grateful to have the therapist i have. she is amazing. compassionate, understanding, sympathetic. insightful. and she's on my side. it really touches me when she shows she's been listening to me and wants to really help me get healthy and is willing to make time for me. it is just so nice to know that i have someone. someone who knows and understands me. someone with whom i can be candid and from whom i can get honest feedback and astute perspective. it does wonders for me to be able to go in and see her and talk through all my preoccupations, anxieties, woes. by the end of this month, i wil have seen her five weeks in a row. fuck me, but i do need it.

i feel all broken to pieces. fragmented. with most of the broken pieces beyond all repair. not that they ever really fit me well to begin with. i'm ready to fix everything about myself up. i want to fix it all at once. my doctor tells me that takes time, though. and we are just going to go bit by bit, block by block. fixing each block, she says, may lead to other blocks being fixed at the same time along the way. but the focus should be one by one.

okay, doc. you got it.

for the longest time, whenever i went to go see my therapist, she would ask me where i envisioned myself. what the ultimate form of happiness would be. what i would be doing with my life, in an ideal situation. i never had an answer for her.

and now she gets it.

she gets that, whenever i do try to envision those kinds of situations, i see nothing. i don't have those kinds of visions, goals, dreams. i can't see anything beyond what is here and now. she has started to call it a void. but she is helping me to create what i want to be in the void. we're not there yet. not until i get past the current situation i'm in. but the goal is ultimately for me to be able to create those kind of roads that will lead me in the right direction towards the kind of life i (don't quite yet know i) want to have.

eventually. slowly but surely. i'll get there.

in the meantime, first thing's first:

dealing with letting dimples go. once and for all.

treading the deep water of debt

2010-08-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

wow.

i've been busy

major, uber busy.

for the past couple of weeks now, i've been working a second job. i get paid minimum wage, and i work about twenty hours a week, on top of the usual eight-hour day i put in at my day job.

this makes for a pretty tiring but fulfilling schedule.

it's great to have different things to look forward to each and every day. my second job lets me work with people who are generally younger than me but who have great enthusiasm for life and aren't quite as jaded as i am about the realities of adulthood.

sure, it chafes making only minimum wage, given that i have two advanced degrees. but hey, every little bit counts. . . .

i am just so broke. so damned, fucking broke. i am able to last until maybe the tenth day of the month before my checking accounts starts dipping into red territory. something had to give. . . and with my student loan payments tipping close to $1,000, it was either declare bankruptcy or try to find supplemental income.

i am not quite desperate enough to become a prostitute. but for the longest time there, i was beginning to think i actually had to consider that possibility . . . .

who knows if an additional twenty hours at minimum wage will help. i'm of the opinion that every little bit of extra cash i can get will help. i will get my first full paycheck next week. i am curious to see if it will help or if i am on a sinking ship. if the latter, i must consider declaring bankruptcy and seeing if that will help.

until then, i will continue to try to keep my head above the water.

every time

2010-07-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

i walk into the trap every time.

"are you busy tonight?"

"yes, but after __, i'm free."

"can you do me a favor?"

*pause* "sure."

"can you watch my kid for a couple of hours tonight?"

"uh, sure."

"i've got this . . . thing tonight."

"oh. . . . is everything okay?"

"yeah. i have . . . a date tonight."

*pause* "oh, i see. is it with -- the same person . . . ?"

"no!"

"is it a guy or a girl?"

"the second."

"oh, okay. yeah, no problem."

*pause* "how do you feel about it?"

*shrug* "it's all good. the kid and i can just hang out."

"thanks, dude. i owe you."

yeah, right.

the rationale of dreams

2010-07-21T13:15:00.001-07:00

i rarely remember my dreams. but i woke up pretty quickly while my mind was still in a dream state, so i remember the one i had this morning.

in my dream, i was taking the bar exam. but the routine for the bar exam was different than the one that exists in real life today. in my dream, i had hand-written my answers and was on my way to drop my test answers off.

i remember being really keen and hell-bent on dropping off my bar exam answers. i knew that was the one mission i had to get done at all costs.

but on the way to dropping off my test answers, i . . . think i was pulled over. and my car was searched. and there was something about someone having been killed and me being the prime suspect. as my car was being searched, i could feel myself getting desperate. i had not kill anyone, and i really needed to drop off my bar exam answers. as i was peering in the trunk of my car with the officers, my roommate came up next to me. she was wearing a lavendar cardigan, one that, in real life, i really like. she was concerned and asked me what was going on. i explained what was happening to her, and she told me or otherwise somehow let me know that she believed in my innocence.

time passed, and in my dream, i was ultimately not able to turn in my bar exam answers on time. i did try, though. however, the deadline to turn in my answers lapsed, and i was still caught up in the murder drama. i was frustrated that i wasn't able to turn in my test essays, but i had to keep moving because i was also on the lam. the police were searching for me. i made my way to my roommate's place (she had her own place in my dream and was not my roommate), and i just remember that it was a really white place. white and clean. and i think she had a dog that kept following me, a friendly one. the cops came to her door, and i retreated into a back room.

and that's when i woke up.

you know what i automatically thought of when i woke up? i knew what the dream was about. i knew what to take from it.

whenever i have taken the bar exam (in real life, of course), there is always something that holds me up. a drama that keeps me from going all the way and finishing the goal. whether it's an internal hurdle or an external one, it always ends up getting in the way. and i end up just not being able to complete that one mission.

time and time again, that's what's happened.

so what's the lesson to be learned from this?

i am realizing that i really don't want to take the bar exam again. i really don't want. and being an attorney is not something that is as desired anymore. i want to be an attorney for the purpose of making more money, because i am massively overwhelmed by my debt, mostly my student loans. but do i want to take the bar exam? that's a vehement no.

and i have never felt so strongly about it before in my life.

mystery

2010-07-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

she tapped a finger on my bare chest, letting her touch linger.

she went and laid herself down on my bed.

she cares so much that she gets angry with me.

she reached out for me and let me hold her.

she cried into my shoulder as i stroked her hair.

and then i think she peed in my bed in her sleep.

but even when she finally went to go clean herself, she went and came back to sleep next to me.

and still, she wants to find another girl to fall in love with.

-_-

2010-07-09T17:06:00.001-07:00

i am not good at making decisions.

they stress me out. especially when the stakes are high, then i just let the dilemma sit there and fester in my mind until it is time to make a decision. and even then, i just ride out the wave and go wherever the waves take me instead of taking control of the damned boat myself and going in the direction i want to go.

often, it's just the case, though, that i really don't know which direction to go in. i can't read myself well enough to know what it is that i want. i really and most truly do not know my own wants, needs, desires. i can see the pros and cons to most everything, and having that awareness of the logic of all sides contributes to my feelings of ambivalence. i mean, i do have strong feelings about certain things. but everything else just falls by the way-side if they are not of dire importance to me. i just then don't know what to do with those things that i don't feel strongly about one way or the other.

my left eye is twitching right now.

another related source of stress is my lack of ability to say no. i'm trying to put my foot down. but it's hard for the words to issue forth from me. i just can't do it. and as it is, there are several people who are getting on my nerves and stretching my patience to its thinnest point all because they are being self-centered enough to not take no for an answer.

i really wanted to try to write about something cheerful and lighthearted. but i think that's gotta wait until i have the right inspiration.

:-T

let the good times roll

2010-07-07T16:53:00.001-07:00

i had another spot-on session with my therapist yesterday. man, is she amazing. she catches on really quickly with how my mind operates, and the way she summarizes my issues and dilemmas are so insightful. for the first time ever, i really do feel that finally, there is someone in the world who sees right through me to who i am, how i operate, what my weaknesses are, and all my bad habits. but i also do feel that she sees my merits and good qualities, too. she is just so spectacular. she is the kind of person i would like to have as my friend and meet with on a regular basis, just to hang out and chit-chat with; she not only comes across as very easy to talk to and interested in what i have to say but also has the wisdom and insight i need to work through my issues. she is just so invaluable to me. there are no words for it.

i asked her why it was that there were so many boys hitting on me and not any girls. she said that i was marketing my goods to the wrong kinds of stores. she is so great at coming up with creative, spur-of-the-moment analogies. all of them are starting to crack me up the moment they issue from her mouth, and this one was no exception.

what there are also no words for is how annoyed i am by a lot of my co-workers. i am just so unforgiving. but i don't feel bad about it. i really do think a lot of the people i work with are power-grubbing, pretentious, self-centered, and selfish. and i am having quite a few opportunities to sell out and join the club. but i don't. i would love to have the same kind of high-level prestige that they do. but there has got to be better ways to come out on top than that. i don't need to sell my soul and values to get there.

i am still thinking about how broke i am. sure, i just got paid seven days ago. but all that money is already gone or about to be gone, based solely on bills and basic living expenses. in fact, i will be in the red quite soon unless i think of something. . . . i keep poring over craigslist ads in the hopes of finding a new opportunity. the only promising one i found is for part-time dish-washing at a new restaurant opening up across town; open walk-in interviews are being held next week – during office hours. but still, i'm going to ask for time off to apply.

i shouldn't say that's the only promising opening i've found, though. there is another: egg donations. $7,000. man. tempting. i know about the health risks associated with egg donations. and that's the only thing holding me back. but as more time passes, the better it looks. . . .

fuck. . . .

anyhow, my next session with my therapist is not for a couple of weeks. it makes me feel antsy to know that i am on my own until then. i get antsy each and every time in-between sessions. she's just the only one i can truly talk to about anything and everything. with everyone else in my life, there always must be a facade or some sort of compromise i have to make, just from being around them. in fact, my therapist was asking me yesterday if i could think of any person in my life with whom i didn't feel like i had to compromise so much of myself. i had to really think about it before i could answer. and my answer was no, i could not. she looked really concerned at my answer.

okay, i am really distracted right now. there is annoying pretentious cunt standing right behind me, talking to another co-worker. she is hella fucking loud, and before she started talking to the co-worker, she was giving me some disrespect which i find to be uncalled for. she is absolutely killing me right now; wish i could throttle her.

man. i am just frustrated. i am under-challenged and over-qualified for a job that does challenge me sometimes but can also be monotonous. i don't know what i'd rather be doing, but i know i should be grateful for the steadiness and security of the work, even if the governor wants to impose federal minimum wage on state workers.

good times.

money woes

2010-07-06T16:53:00.001-07:00

i am broke.

it's getting harder and harder to find ways to scrape money together at the end of each money. there is only so much left that i can sell. . . .

it stresses me out. it truly does. i need to find a part-time job. but opportunities that are suited to my abilities or work experience are so hard to find. and i am not being picky, either; i am looking at anything and everything i could possibly do when i am not at my full-time job. but a lot of the openings i've found have required work-hours during the regular work-day. and that i just cannot do.

other than the chronic personal financial shortage, those with penises seem to be persistent in courting me. i kinda want to just say, "homey don't play 'dat." but that's difficult, what with me not being totally out and all. and what's funny is that, even as they flirt with me and let me know, in their way, of their interest, they still ask me fairly directly if i am also into girls.

i wish i could be more of a slut. i wish i could let myself be bought. i wish i could let myself be taken care of. lord knows, as time goes on, i could use that kind of help so that all my worries can be eased while also ensuring that the guys get what exactly what they want to pay for. and i do also have to say that it feels good to have male attention and be able to hold it for an extended period of time. but i find myself sardonically singing the chorus to lady gaga's "boys boys boys."

i don't know what's going on. i am going through a weird phase where everything is falling apart and strange new happenings are befalling me. i don't know quite what to do with them.

nor do i know what i'm searching for in this life. every day, i find myself hoping for that moment of clarity when everything falls into place and i can see, in the grand scheme of things, the direction i'm supposed to be heading and all the things i need to accomplish. but it's so hard to get that vision. i don't know where i'm going, i don't know how i'm going to get there, i don't know who to trust along the journey and who to stay away from.

it's hard to make sense of things and find my path.

trying not to wig out

2010-06-29T16:06:00.001-07:00

anxiety level is riding high right now. has been since last night.

i need to get a hold on it. a good, firm hold.

i don't know what's going on.

okay, yeah, maybe i do. . . .

i am trying to absorb it, just like my doc tells me to. absorb it, accept it, stay with it.

just breathe.

and as i stay in the moment, i need to remember that i am still here.

i am still alive. i am breathing of my own volition. i am okay.

the taste test

2010-06-17T14:31:00.001-07:00

if there were any remaining doubts about whether i really only like girls or not, i was put to the test last night. and i have to say that those remaining doubts have been completely and utterly eradicated.

i went on a date with the guy again. it was our third. i like him. i like him a lot. he is attractive, funny, charming, has a great body, and has the ability to look at me in such a way that i feel like the only girl in the room. it makes me glow inside to feel that i am so attractive to him.

nonetheless, i had it in my head, before i even set out to see him last night, that i was going to let him know that i didn't think we should see each other anymore. i was just going to end things before i got in too far.

as it was, i didn't get a chance to. i was caught up in the buzz my cocktails gave me in, in the conversations, the flirting. and i didn't want to ruin the light mood.

we had made out during our second date. our third date was a continuation of the make-out session. he's a pretty decent kisser. i didn't mind our kissing during our second date. but the third date's make-out session?

i . . . am just not very into it.

it's been years since i kissed any guy. i'd forgotten how . . . firmly insistent their kisses can be. and i just don't particularly care for that style.

i like kisses to be delicate. soft. gentle firmness. subtly tantalizing nips and nibbles.

he's a strong guy. there's something about being with someone physically stronger, who can lift me up and arrange and rearrange me to suit his purposes.

but there is something i enjoy even more about being with a girl. someone who has the same physical softness and fragility and delicateness. someone who can be assertive without being overpowering. someone who makes me feel every inch an equal as she.

*sigh*

so as a result of the taste test, i now know.

i need to find another girl. and try to shed myself of this guy.

the test is over . . . . now.