I’d been getting these eerie type of dreams lately. Of going back to school, with all my oldmates. It begins well, but right near the end, I always ended up being bullied.Venues will change, but the MO never gets out of the mold. It made me ponder and lost in my thoughts for days now.Why the repeating manner?What good does it do for me?Is there some message hidden,waiting to be interpreted?

These dreams, are quite lucid. I can remember it clearly for a couple of hours after I awake. Of whom are in it, whose in the bully band. It seemed like a sign for me, of somewhat intent that I failed to fathom. It might have something to do with studying,who knows. Maybe a sign for me to continue studying?

Reading.

With a shopping mall opened nearby, you should have figured out that a bookstore will also included in that. It’s not holding an exhaustive collection, yet having a plenty of choices for me who barely reads. Having a modest salary, I can put aside a portion to buy books and reboot the reading habit.

It kicked off smoothly and quite well. Having read the digital version of  The Lost Symbol, I bought Digital Fortress for a start. With that been a good read, Stieg Larrson’s Millenium I came soon after. And a few books later, I feel like this is a good effort that I have made. Maybe after this shift ended, a short nap and I might ended up with another book in possession.

My Uncommon Reading Spot: Kedai Mamak.

Having seen people reading with a cuppa on the table at Starbucks & Coffee Bean as a norm, I’ve made a rather unpopular pick for my reading spot. Yeah, they didn’t have cafe del mar or urban lounge sounds at the mamaks, but with a chilled three-layered tea and a good read, anything will be soundtracks for the stories you are reading.

An immigrantwith a PCK – yellow boots just passed my table when I ‘m having supper there. He headed for the TV, eyes focussing on the TV screen which is then showing the telecast of Man City vs Villa. I was ticked of because he was blocking my view. Deep down in my heart, thought curse has sparked.  ‘He uttered a satisfying ‘YES’, clenched his fist with satisfaction, looking at the scoreline. Heck, another new batch of City fans eh.

I’m started to prolong the silent negativity,intended purely for the immigrant. That until I remembered this post from a schoolmate of mine that I just read this evening. It does not do justice by any far,at all.  After altering the negative imagery, I was smiling, as he was able to portray what he felt. Like he care about what people think. I was smiling, because he did what I could not do: act with no excessive worries of whatnot. Act first, worry later.

Then it’s time to head home, with stuffed stomach and a happier heart. Turned out that it was not a boring night after all.

Across the skies that once blue,

Darkness came with menacing tides

Fluids gushed,front,back and sides.

Lost I am, in the deafening thunder,

Afraid and stunned, I groomed fear.

Will I live and despair?

…

Thank God, it’s raining. A bliss after the scorching hell. Might as well be a refreshing reminder, for my weakened mind and soul.

~ I think the above verse sounds funny, though. hahaha ~

As kampung folks, the menu on the cats could consist of leftover foods mixed with nasi. Nasi gaul ikan goreng was a frequent dish. I was well aware of the lack of proper meals for them, but with us living to make end’s meet, we could not afford proper cat food. The cat seemed understanding, and not picky. Good for them.

It was tedious, I tell ya. Constant poop removal, pissed-fumed air, vomits, foul mating sounds, the list is endless. Sometimes, when things went beyond control, we would do as the anonymous dumpers did, dumped the cats. Some stayed away, a handful came back. It made me thinking, of why these cats kept on coming. When voicing concerns to Mak, she always mentioned about, events and purposes. Of how everything that occured happened for some reasons that mortals will never anticipate.

It ticked me. Maybe this is the door to opportunity. To make some good out of this cruel,short-lived world. We’re not blessed with riches to shower people with money. If that is the least that I could do, so be it.

Those cats were seldom named. Only a few chosen ones would be named. I remember Casper, with her snowy white fur. Blacky, with figuratively, black. And Owen too (pronounced oh-wayne), her name given by my niece. These lots are close to my family. Blacky, which treated my house like a hotel, would sometimes surprised Mak when she came back from the usual morning shopping. Blacky would sometimes out of nowhere, greeted mak with her unique meowing: intermitten.Putus2 meow dia, hahaha. Blacky was labeled as gila betina by Mak , for it would only appeared before us when the mating season kicked in.

Those three is gone now. Mak pointed out it maybe the Vietnamese who are renting a flat nearby were the culprit. Though they were rumours that those lot practised cat eating, I chose not to believe of what seemed to be proofless accusations. New batch came in, and we treated those poor creature just as we did the previous. It is calming actually, watching they eat and licking the water/milk which I gave. Better still, once in a while they get to taste proper catfood if I had extra money.

My house will ever be dubbed “pussy magnet” and I think me and the rest of the family can live with it.

Dunia adalah neraka
Khayalan adalah syurga
Masa bermudik ke muara
Tinggal dia terpinga

Sedih dan sakit hidangan tengahari
Terik mentari memijar diri
Berlabuh sebentar dari realiti
Tertayang lagi cereka mimpi

Malam merangkak perlahan dan diam
Cahaya bulan membanjiri malam
Basah perasaan yang rindu dendam
Mula die berkata dalam

Perit dan pedih resmi dunia
Seakan mengakar dalam jiwa
Adakah wujud penawar duka
Di delta dunia yang kontang cinta

Wahai Pencipta yang Indah dan Hebat
Bicaramu perit ujianmu berat
Namun kasihmu kekal tersemat
Pada yang hina juga yang kesat

Mimpi bukan tonik penawar
Yang ampuh cuma iman yang tegar
Hati mudah dicakar cakar
Nafsu dan amarah sentiasa segar

Berjumpa cahaya sayup
Bingkas bangun sebelum terkatup

It was not easy as it seemed,though. With leafless twigs spawned everywhere, it made the harvesting process tedious. And since it is the second time both trees bore fruits, and grew independently without proper nurture, the fruits scattered everywhere, not like the typical one which spawned in clusters of 10 or more.And when the gathering was succeeded, the fruits came down and stuck between the twigs  Frustrations building up, plus the strain of the neck.

The temper boiled up and finally I was smashing the galah to the twigs. Bloody hell, why don’t you grew as the normal tree. The rambutan trees became a scapegoat of frustration. Mak came out to collect the rambutans, when she was I was smash-happy at the trees. “Sudahla, nak buat macam mana, dah dia nak tumbuh macam tu”, as ever, she offered calming words. So I sat for a while, lit up a Dun for a calming fix.

It came,unwillingly and in a timely suited manner. I was staring at both trees when suddenly the big pictures slapped to my face. It was, just like my life, the trees. The twigs resembled those hard and thorny obstacles I am facing day in & day out. My life is not a stroll in the park, from the day Bapak passed away till date. And me, kept on throwing temper antics when bad things kept slapping my face. It was out of frustration and anger, that I did those things. Too frustrated of how my life was served. Cold and hard.

Then, suddenly, teardrops trickled down. It’s like ALLAH is speaking direct to me. I was ever wondering of whether I am lucky enough to experience miracles before my own eyes. And it did. It came when the heart desired comfort more than ever.

As twilight crept into space, the prayer calling broke the silence. It’s time to pay respect. I pulled the galah, which still sturdy after the smashing, leaned it against the rambutan tree. There’s always another time, just like life. When life strucked hard, take time to sit down and ponder what has been given, not of how many things we could not reach at the time. ALLAH’s blessings is as ever, timely and certain. All we have to do, is to be accepting of what and which that is given.

Don’t be sad, as the world is not worth lamenting.

Ages back, since the last entry. With no computer back home, it is a painstaking job to go back and forth the CC for entry posting. And it is costing me, too. It was a hard decision to make, since I could hardly survive a day without venturing into the virtual realm for the usual fix. When circumstances hold you by the neck, you couldn’t do anything but stay still, like a good canine.

Truthfully speaking, my life then and now were nothing short of a sad stories. Pretty much like those crappy sinetrons from Indonesia, that went by year by year, season after another, jam packed with sad, torturing thoughts and plots. Imagine living with bad thoughts & feelings breathing down your neck,day in and day out. Damn, I felt like a Dementor performing its kiss on me everyday.

I did try those positive thinking abracadabra. I kept on reminding myself of that fabled ‘sunshine at the end of the tunnel‘. I am ever thankful for Mak,who keep on projecting positive thoughts through out these dire, sad times. Without her, I would be strolling down the Mental Lane right now. But my bro was not as lucky as I am.

The dark clouds surrounding my life shows no sign of retreating. It will be long and hard. But I have to face it nonetheless. To face it alone, is not what I like to do. But, does it sound any better than to have all the people around me sucked into the vortex?

Time and tide will tell, for even the wisest cannot outsmart ALLAH. I am ever thankful for I am not left astray. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi roji’un. And please, cut the ‘ada orang mati ke’ crap. The phrase doesn’t entitled for the someone’s passing totally, but for the troubled mind and soul also. Just like mine.

Godspeed for me.

Tenggelam itu hampir pasti
Tali iman hampir terlucut
Sekilas tangan tersua menyambut
Bingkas dari lubuk lumpur
Air keinsafan setempayan
Bersucilah
Dia sedang berbicara
Tanpa kata, tiada suara
Ujian berat, agung kasih-Nya

Belantara hidup masih luas
Walau jauh, walau sayup
Jasad dan jiwa, melangkahlah
Biar setapak, biar satu
Biar mati keletihan
Asal jangan mati bersesal
Tiada guna khayal sepikul
Kalau usaha sejemput sanggul

p/s:Hampir saja tenggelam dengan tekanan. Hidup bukan empunya sendiri. Bebicaralah tentang sakitmu, kelak datang petua dan ubat.Jangan singkatkan akal, panjangkan rasa. Terima kasih, sahabat.

Keras dan kasar buatku muntah
Ku ingin santai dan mudah
Goldfrapp memetik hati
Mari berdansa dengan kami

Electroclash, Synth dan Pop bersanding
Lembut lentuk bak puding
Ligat peri gasing
Clubbing? Aku memang asing

Cukup lah sastera rongak untuk saat ini.
Kembali normal dan bosan lagi.