Abnormal Shy Woman

Clip of the Week

2012-01-22T10:46:00.000-06:00

Artist: Florence + The Machine

Song: Shake It Out

Need to Get The Hell Out!!!

2012-01-21T10:43:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I question if my dad loves me because he never says anything positive or nice. It's usually demanding or negative. Little does he know...he's driving me insane. I need to get the hell out of here. It's not fun being nearly twenty-two and living with your parent's because you still have to go by their "rules", and whatever they say goes; makes you feel like a kid.

I want to move where my boyfriend lives. Even though it's quite the distance, it's worth it. Whatever it takes I want to get the hell out of here. Wish my dad was like he used to be. Now he's like a zombie. I think he's depressed although he won't ever admit that since he has the Lord. He's tearing me apart...everything I want to do I always think to myself, "what will dad think?" when it doesn't fucking matter because whatever he thinks isn't going to be good. Nothing I do fucking satisfies him...even though I haven't done much to begin with.

Dad always wanted me to work in the medical field, become a lawyer, or become famous in some way. I didn't meet his expectations, so therefore I'm a failure in his eyes. At nearly twenty-two I still don't know what I want to do with my life exactly. GRRRRRRRRRRRR...I want to be happy!!!! That's all I ask for, and with my boyfriend I AM HAPPY!

What's Been Going On?

2012-01-20T10:29:00.000-06:00

I'm losing motivation in tons of things including this blog. I have lots going on, school, finding work, future plans, etc...in all, STRESS! School is going okay, but my attention span isn't long, and that frustrates me.

Home life, not so great. I feel so uncomfortable here. My dad walks around the house looking like he's going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. I don't speak to my brothers. As you know my sister moved out a year ago. So...it's been really awkward.

Personal life, I have something to tell you guys. Remember those months I spent away from blogging? Well...I'm in long distance relationship. It's tough, but good when we spend time together for awhile. This visit, he rented out a beautiful home. Being with him, and not under my parent's roof daily has made realize how awesome independence can be! We didn't do much this time around...did things normal couples do on an average day. Went for walks, into the city, watched movies, cooked, clean, etc. Oh, he did take me on a romantic get away to this very nice suite at a Lodge. Really sweet of him. He's challenged me with animals. We went to pet stores a few times -- some days were difficult than others of course, but I didn't die lol. He met my parents/family for the first time...they weren't to keen on meeting him because of our fourteen year age difference, but I think they're finally accepting him...considering how much he makes me happy.One of my online friends visited the area, so we met up w/ him. Was nice, I was so quiet, thank god my boyfriend was here to cover my ass lol. We're not a perfect couple I must say...we did have our disagreements and arguments during the duration he was here, but what couple doesn't!?!?!? I love him so much, a real sweetheart. He makes me happy. I will be spending the whole summer with him...can't wait!

Clip of the Week

2012-01-15T09:45:00.000-06:00

This song is performed by Nicole Scherzinger, former Pussycat Doll. She sang it on x-factor a few weeks back, and I feel in love with it. Hope you enjoy.

Artist: Nicole Scherzinger

Song: Pretty

*Start at 0:50* Unless you want to watch the intro

First Day Back to School

2012-01-10T07:10:00.002-06:00

Image retrieved from www.skitkids.com

Yesterday afternoon I began my first day back to college. Community college that is! I know age doesn't matter, but I feel like I'm too old to be there! I'm supposed to be at some university right now. The university I applied to aren't accepting anyone into their program until fall 2012. So, I kind of have no choice. This semester I'm taking math, a foreign language, and this studying course. So far the classes went okay...except math; very hard 'review' from the previous course I took. Just need to refresh myself with math. Foreign language was really fun, and the teacher is smokin' hawt lol; with that class I need to practice/study daily! I'm more optimistic about this semester than I have been in past semesters. Wish me luck!

I'm Back!

2012-01-01T11:57:00.002-06:00

New posts coming soon!

A Temporary Break from Blogging

2011-11-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't made a post in awhile. I haven't been too busy that I couldn't post something, just not in the mood. I want people who actually follows my blog to know..this will probably be my last blog post until mid-December. I have lots going on....good things! but rather keep it personal! Ciao in a month or so!

Clip of the Week

2011-11-05T13:03:00.000-05:00

Eli Lieb (I've mentioned him before on my blog) debut CD was released last month. This is one of the songs I like on the CD...actually the best song in my opinion from the CD. He's so hawt as I always say...kind of resembles my boyfriend a bit....just a bit lol.

Artist: Eli Lieb

Song: Tightrope

Enjoy!

Tapering off Prozac

2011-10-30T01:01:00.001-05:00

I decided to taper off Prozac myself. Just waiting until Monday to contact my psychiatrist and tell him. I've seen some pros and a con with Prozac, and the con is weight GAIN. The pros are, less anxiety, less depression. I don't care anymore about this anxiety, my weight is becoming a greater issue. I know it's the medication and my psychiatrist convince me that it's not. I don't care what the hell he says now. I'm through with Prozac. I see him again in three weeks. He put me on 30mg, but now I'm going to take 20mg for 3 weeks, then down to 10mg. I hate my body more than ever.

Clip of the Week

2011-10-22T15:53:00.002-05:00

I have no idea why I like this song. I just have a mental image of myself that if my boyfriend broke up with me I'd be listening to this song, and drinking lol. Anyway, Enjoy!

Song: Ain't No Sunshine

Artist: Bill Withers

Scarring A Child

2011-10-19T11:16:00.001-05:00

Image retrieved from: fanpop.com

My sister and niece stayed over last night. This morning dad came downstairs, and jokingly said to my niece, "Something was crawling in my jacket this morning, I don't know what it is." He pulled out a fake frog that looks totally real. I have animal phobia, but I'm not afraid of fake things. He threw it on my niece, and she freaked out. As she was freaking out, I saw myself in her. She was terrified, and it seem like my dad was trying to desensitize her, and told her, "Don't be scared, it's not real." I understand what he was trying to do, but he probably scarred her...

Maybe I was scarred for life, and don't know it?

Brother, Are You Okay?

2011-10-18T18:26:00.000-05:00

Many of you may know that my brother and I aren't close, but I've been worried about him lately. Actually been worried about both of them, but in particular the one that lives with me -- the youngest one. He's been isolating himself lately. Not sure why, and I could never have a conversation with him because I can't bare to look at him in the eyes...just looking at him annoys me [it shouldn't be that way, I know].

He gets home from his part-time job, and go straight to his room, and stay there until the next day. It's reminding me of myself, and I kind of see why my immediate family asks me why I stay in my room all day...it worries them. Maybe my brother is trying to show me an example of how I am so I can change, or maybe he's having some mental issues of his own...

Not sure what to do, or say...

The family puts him down a lot. The things they say to him are they that should be said to me ("You don't do anything but stay in the room all day", "You need to do better for yourself", "You have nothing planned for your life", "You're slow", "You're stupid"). He's getting emotionally abused. I'm no saint, because I have said hurtful things to him too. The fact that he's a male changes perspective to others. In my family men are considered as strong, not a rotten baby; independent, not dependent; educated, not uneducated;etc. My brother doesn't meet the, per se, 'requirements' of an adult male in this family, and that probably puts him down. Also, losing his car because of driving under the influence is probably getting to him because a car is needed to get around in the suburbs.

Ugh, depression is beginning to become highly visible in my family, but nobody sees it except me. I think.

Clip of the Week

2011-10-14T07:11:00.000-05:00

I saw this commercial the other day -- advertising Pam cooking spray. It was cute, and funny, so I thought I'd make it clip of the week.

Enjoy!

Binge Eating Disorder

2011-10-11T01:05:00.004-05:00

Picture retrieved from shadesofhope.com

I'm not diagnosing myself, but I may have binge eating disorder.

Food. Unhealthy. Food. I love it, I crave it constantly. I don't want to eat excessively but I do. I tried to convince myself that it's my medication, or monthly cycle. It's really all in my head -- my brain which I have zero control over.

Have you ever seen those tv shows where they have two mini characters on their shoulder -- usually their alter-ego? I feel like one person is telling me, for example, "Doesn't that brownie look delicious? Take one, no take two, no three, maybe four. Keep eating them until you get sick." The other person is telling me, "You're going to regret it, don't eat it. It'll only make you feel worse about yourself." The person telling me to eat them until I get sick wins me over. Grrr.

I fight so fucking hard to stop my cravings, but I can't. I eat when I'm completely full, when I'm not hungry. I love to eat...I'm sure everyone does. I can't seem to eat in moderation. That's my problem. Why does my brain tell me to eat more when I don't need it?

Is it because I'm:

Bored?

Emotional?

Depressed?

Not productive?

I have no idea.

The food, makes my taste buds pop, satisfies me, makes me feel like I've achieved this guilty goal.

I need help.

I need to stop this.

Where do I begin?

I'm surprised I haven't hit the scales at 400lbs by now. I want to exercise, but what's the point if I binge eat?

Deformed Donuts

2011-10-10T01:31:00.001-05:00

Saturday morning I went to take my so called, "best friend" home -- she had stayed the night. I stopped by Dunkin Donuts after I dropped her off and got some Munchkins (they're kind of like donut balls, not a hole donut. I like them better because they're moist inside) when I came home and looked at them...they were all weird shaped, dried out, and fucking hard as brick. I never seen them like that before. It's the second time this month I went to that location and something was wrong! Gawd, why can't people make shit right these days! If you're going to sell someone something make sure it's top quality! Goodbye Dunkin!

[Maybe it was a sign from God, telling me not to eat unhealthy]

Clip of the Week

2011-10-09T01:23:00.001-05:00

Artist: Maroon 5

Song: Moves Like Jagger ft. Christina Aguilera

This song is so upbeat and awesome. Adam Levine as I've mentioned in the past is too gorgeous!

Enjoy!

University

2011-10-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

Last week I went to an University for a tour and presentation. It's actually the first public university I've applied to. Before I was applying to private, non-profit colleges. If I do get accepted there (won't know until December) it'll be a great opportunity for me to begin on the road to independence. It's a huge campus with over 100,000 students. [WOAH!] The students that were speaking at the presentation said over and over to everyone, "If you're not out of your comfort zone yet, you need to get out of it when you come here." That kind of freaks me out!

The dorm rooms are super small (well I wasn't expecting anything big, but eh THAT SMALL ah) it's like half of my bedroom. I'm going to need bigger space. They have animals on campus too (in sorority houses and the animal research building, which is next door to the Media building where I'll be taking most of my courses!) and that's another big NO NO! for me. I hate when people ask me, "you're going to let animals stop you" as if I can get over my phobia in one day. Yes, animals will stop me...it already has in life. Those are the two cons of the school. I can get a bigger dorm, it's just going to cost thousands more. As for the animal phobia I just plan on working on it in the upcoming days/months before starting at the university (if I get accepted) .

Overall the campus is really nice. Many clubs, nice scenary, things to do, will stay busy, and great views on the programs they offer, etc.

Wish me good luck!

Clip of the Week

2011-10-01T11:40:00.001-05:00

Artist: The Script

Song: Nothing

Enjoy! :-)
P.S. The lead singer is drop dead gorgeous!

Forced to Walk Down the Street

2011-09-28T20:22:00.000-05:00

My niece began school this month, and this year she has to walk down to the bus stop. Since I'm usually the only person home when her bus arrives...I have to pick her up from the bus stop (my sister always take her there in the morning). It's not that long of a walk...estimating about nine yards away, but that short walk is a challenge -- especially picking her up Monday --Thursday. What's going to happen if a dog or cat is walking around the street near me...my niece can't stay on that bus. Someone has to get her off. It's likely to happen one day where I'll have to come in contact with an animal to get her off the bus. God I hate this!

Clip of the Week

2011-09-24T20:02:00.001-05:00

X-Factor premiered this week as many of you may or may not know, and a guy named Chris Rene performed an original song of his entitled, "Young Homie" -- which describes his life of addiction to drugs and alcohol. I didn't tune into X-Factor because I wasn't interested in it, but my sister (who's in love with him now) made me watch this guy on YouTube when she stayed the night this week. It turns out...the song/rap is really good --makes sense, no cursing, or negative influences. Skip to 2:30 if you don't want to hear his life story, but it's worth listening to.

Enjoy

Desperate, But Brave

2011-09-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

Something insane happened with me today! I was running a bit late for therapy, and I needed to gas up my car. When I pulled to the tank, this guy was walking towards my car...for some reason I knew he was coming towards me! He looked homeless, and I was freaking out. I had my car windows rolled down, and doors unlocked. Tried to quickly lock the doors and roll up the windows, but managed to fail at doing so because I was so nervous (shaking). Anyway, the guy said/asked, "I just got out of the County, can you give me a ride about a mile away?" So, I said yes. joking. Of course I said no. lol.

Anyhow, it surprises me how someone can be so brave to ask a complete stranger to take them somewhere. The guy eventually found a ride from an elderly man. I heard the old guy ask what he was in jail for....and he said, "ticket violations." Eh, you never know when someone is telling the truth, but I hope that old guy made it safe dropping him off. The old guy kind of reminded me of my dad -- being so nice. Sometimes my dad pick up hitchhikers...and his purpose for doing that is...he's serving the Lord *rolls eyes*

Only "Grandpa"

2011-09-17T09:24:00.001-05:00

Haven't seen my great-grandpa in five years or so. Today he's coming this way to visit my grandma (his daughter) and honestly I don't want to see him. Why? because his reputation isn't good in the family (won't go into details about that). The only reason he's coming out here is because my grandma is using him. He's in his late 90s, and she's robbing him blind. I never go to my grandma's house, so it'll be super phony if I go anyway. Seriously, don't have to think about going because I won't. There's no point...things I've heard about the guy aren't good, and I'm not a user, or fake.

Clip of the Week

2011-09-11T23:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't made many posts. Got a lot going on, some things good, other things not so great. Some time this week I'll take some time and make an update entry, or entry of some sort. I always try to stay updated with Clips of the Week. This week is an old song by, The All American Rejects. Last week was the first time I viewed the actual video, and didn't know they had Post Secrets (if you don't know what postsecret is, click the link on my list to the right) involved; some secrets were in the books, but still it's cool. Hope you Enjoy.

Song: Dirty Little Secret

Rambling...

2011-09-03T01:00:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been feeling like I can't make a change in myself. The other day I told my therapist that I've lost hope. Whatever happens in the future just happens. I'm not afraid of getting put out of my parent's house because I know they wouldn't put me on the street, but they will continuously nag me until I make a huge change for myself; I'm burden on them.

I'm not doing so great in this online course that I'm taking. Haven't read one chapter yet because I lack motivation. The first test is next week, and I will cram for it.

My younger brother described my sisters best friend yesterday; she's depressed because:

She had a child at a young age
She can't go outside as often because she has to take care of her child
She has no friends
She has a irrational attitude about everything

Eh, I wonder if him and most of my family (excluding my sister) think/know that I'm depressed, but they're afraid to confront me about it. If they ever do...I know I'll deny it.

Next year I can't wait to attend the University (if I get accepted) I have my eyes set on. That way, I'll be away from home, meet people, possibly get out more, won't have anyone watching me, and not being put down daily.

Clip of The Week

2011-09-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

This is a song that was performed on the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards last Sunday. It's a new band from California called, "Young The Giant." This song [My Body] has lots of energy to it.

Enjoy :-D