absolute truth

ok.....life of the artist...

2008-04-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

so after writing 'til 5am
i get to sleep
& get woken up by my old friend Bob
knocking on the door at 11:30 am
to say i'm gonna get a ticket
so i'm up
out the door
down the ally
turn the corner
& running up the street
in time to watch
the donut patrol
place
ever so casually
under my windshield wiper
my second street cleaning parking ticket this week
...good morning...
that will be $50...
would you like fries with that...?

the first ticket was when
i did a live painting performance
at an art party in downtown LA last week
& at the same time
had my bike with the bike rack still attached
& locked to it
ripped off
stolen from off the front of the car...

the good thing is my beautiful yellow bus
looks better without that pesky bike rack on the front
the thief was kind enough to leave his own broken bike
with the seat & handle bars still warm
laying on the sidewalk next to the bus...
after all what would he do with 2 bikes
must not be too greedy...
(i used it to ride around looking for the bike rack
& left it back on the sidewalk....so if you need one
it's on the corner of Broadway & hurrmppfff )

& then find out from the woman
i'd loaned my other bike to
& asked for it back 4 months ago
that it had been stolen 3 months ago...

this was the bike that was on the front of the bus
coming back in the dark
from Burning Man last year on the 395
when i hit the deer
that was knocked into my lane
by the oncoming fresh-off-the-lot white pickup truck...
i had to drag her broken deer body still warm
out of the road so no one else would hit her...
the wheels of the bike were bent & wobbly
marked with deer medicine:
gentleness...

this all comes in the context of
the events of last month
when after having lived on the block
for over 10 years
out of the blue
i go out the day before street cleaning
to move the bus
& it's gone
i rode around on my bike looking for it
thinking i must have somehow forgot where i put it
i even chided myself for being so absorb in the work
that i forgot where i put my car
i finally accept the fact that it's gone
along with the suitcase of one of a kind manuscripts
& call to report it stolen...
find out they towed it from the middle of the block
for being parked in the same spot
for longer than 72 hours...
because one of my neighbors
a really nice Scottish tenor/math tutor
with a pomegranate tree in his yard
he planted 25 years ago from seed
had been complaining of
boardwalk vendors parking storage vehicles on the street

i try not to drive much
& use my bike...used my bike to get around...

$300 to the LAPD
to get back my bus...
so i can put up the artwork the next day
at AGAPE Spiritual Center
for their next 3 month artshow...

so today i wait 'til noon in a
"hey we'll leave you alone after noon on Monday" space

at 6 minutes 'til noon
the parking enforcement rolls by again
& keeps on rolling as i'm sitting in the drivers seat...

then i stroll to the boardwalk
to kinda see if there might be a space for me to set up
not that i feel like working out there any more
it has not been working on many levels for months...
after a while i had to ask what's the best use of my time
all the signs are pointing at some sort of graduation...

gotta move out in two weeks
& need to finish writing the autobiography
that i've been working on since Christmas
& as of this morning i'm finally up to the summer of '06
just a year & a half left to write about...

now i've kind of gotten my self in a pickle
it's just been confirmed that the boardwalk
as we've all come to know it
will be ending on may 10th
as it goes through yet another
in a long series of convulsions
of being screwed up
by the people that work in offices
that have no idea what makes the boardwalk work
but think they do
& have the power to work their will
& make others deal with their view of reality...
until the next convulsion...
this time it's a federal judge
who loves performers
& has given 200 spaces on the boardwalk to performance
when there are 20 performers
& 103 spaces to every one else
& there are several hundred of those depending on the season...
everything in the performance spaces must be by donation only
threat of $500 tickets for violation
(except books, CD's , & DVD's of & by the performer
so maybe if i could afford an inventory
of the 7 books i've published since Sept.
i could then make out)

so if someone comes up & wants to take your work for nothing
the judge is saying you have to give it to them...
can you say l a w s u i t...?

so
end of that income
not that it has been working
but no new income coming...
no new doors opening
to take care of the immediate concerns
& owing a serious chunk of change,
more than i ever have,
& two parking tickets
& new registration
& Hawaii drivers license renewal
have to move out on may 1st...
where to store all the paintings
bus needs a new battery & a tune up
& where am i going?
& with what...?

in an effort to finish the book
i've gotten into this odd time cycle
by writing all night 'til 5am
then trying to get 6-8 hours
then jumping back into it as soon as i wake up...
so i've been writing 12 to 15 hours a day
for the better part of the past 2 weeks...
before that i was writing from
when i came in from the boardwalk 5- 7pm
until 3-5 am...for 3 months...

this is the context in which i wrote the words:
"the path with heart
the true path
is beyond
fear..."
?

over the weekend i noticed this line in my right hand
i had never seen before
this big strait-as -a -ruler line
from the nexus of lines at my lower palm to my pinky
i looked it up on the web
says the pinky is the Mercury finger
a line like that could mean issues to do with
health, commerce, &/or communications
business opportunities...
getting ones message out to the world...
i don't usually pay attentions to such things
but dang this line is like a big
"what the F*****K is that" thing
...am i gonna live doc am i gonna live...????

so i ask a friend who is a "hand analyst"
& she confirms what it says on the web...
& that the fact that it's happening
while i'm typing the book
is the key...

so then i read this thing she writes to me
about this being all for me to get the point
or the cherry of this process...
because as i get the point of this process
then i can best share it with the world...

& it suddenly occurs to me
that i may just be doing this whole thing for my self...
?????????
that had not occurred to me...
i was thinking i was creating something of benefit
to others
but that could be a conceit...

as i came back to my room the gentle man
across the hall
apologized to me...
i had to ask for what...
& he said that he had had a relapse...
& i said at what...
he said he thought it had been hardest on me...
that he basically lock himself in his room
the past few weeks doing coke...
i said i had no idea..he was surprised i didn't notice...
not that i know this man but to say hello in the hall
he's an old rock /jazz drummer
he stays up late but then so do i...

& i thought what's the difference in a way
i have also been sequestering my self in a room
immersed in me & my life from beginning to end
top to bottom...reexamining the facts as i see them...
how odd i have been so consumed in the same way as this man
with my own little drama that i've put the world on hold
'til i'm done...recording my navel gazing...

it occurs to me how odd
what a weird coincidence
we're both responding to the same vibe
to use this time to focus
with focused blindness
our full attention on the chosen task...
ok so who influenced who...

i know the universe loves me
& is taking very good care of me
the reason i wrote that line about the true path
is that focusing on & executing the completion of this project
has been where the light is...

but then i suppose the coke addict
would say the same about getting & doing more coke...

even though i've described this process
to whomever would listen as
feeling like performing abdominal surgery on yourself
without benefit of anesthesia
your hands all up in there covered in you
as you reach around groping up in there
trying to put your bloody finger on it
grasp at it & finally & definitively grasp it
...bring it out into the light
for the world to see & take a good look at...
'til you get it all out...all of it...the heck out...
not done 'til you do...

i wrote to a friend that
"i am so far into this now
that the only way out
is through..."

but really i have felt in the moments
when i'm working on this
that i'm moving forward...
getting it done
& having it done is the yummy part
full of light...

make your own light ?

while everything else feels like it's
falling away
dark
yukky
or just
done...

interesting place to find oneself
wonder what comes next...

well here's another gem from the vault of davidismz
that may apply here:

"...the closer
we get
to the truth
the easier
it is
to kid
our
selves..."
?

the fact that i'm meeting the challenges
& resistance
at the end of the hall...the end of the project
may mean i'm closing in on the goal...

& deluding myself at the same time...

ahh the splendid paradox

what brilliance & genius loves to squish between the toes

ahh & here we come to it
my attachment
is
to recognition

of brilliance & genius...

i've been seeking this my whole life
through everything i've done

yet recently when i've heard people express
that recognition
i've missed it
i haven't entirely taken it in
in part because i feel i haven't yet arrived
because if i had surely
fame & fortune
wealth & prosperity
& financial independence
would follow...
& ease lest we not forget ease...

but as i go down that list
i feel in a way
i already have all that at this very moment
i am famous & fortunate
wealthy & prosperous
& financially independent
& living in the red...
not a clue where it comes from next
as usual
yet knowing
from experience
it comes from within
& the universe
would not leave me hanging
unless
there was some
good to it...

now if i was living in the black?
& had all my bases covered money wise
then ease
would be just multiplied
because i already feel like
i got the ease thing going on
any more laid back & i'll be laying on the ground
i would feel all confident & justified in my choices
instead of the netherworld & free fall
the queasiness & uneasiness
of unsure & insecure & self doubt
about how it all will work out
without an ouch somewhere in there...

as i look it appears i may be finding myself in retreat
while feeling like it's time to advance
but how to advance...?

oh then there's worry
the proof of the path is in it's fruits

"by their fruits ye shall know them"

i thought
if what i was doing was a good thing
it would be generating
light & wealth
not parking tickets, bills, & dead ends...

but the bottom line is
it feels so blessedly good to be letting die what needs to
right now...

worry is there & as worry will it is biting at my butt
but if there is one thing i know how to do
if there is one thing this life has taught me so far
it's how to live well
& worry too...

how to be a good worrier...(warrior? no worrier)

i got this one
step back
lemme at it...

recently i was told in an accusing way
that i was too self absorbed
this by someone i've known for 15 years
as one of the most self absorbed people
i've ever met
totally dedicated to her path
& consumed with her journey...

but in pondering the blessed accusation
examining it for merit
if one is to be the thing itself
the genuine article
how do you give your work your all
& not be self absorbed
how do you be the work...live the work
& not be...

from my experience
the path is not even about being loved
getting love or keeping love
but being love
enough
to complete the mission
no matter what

& the mission is life
the mission is to do what one is born to do

if that's being self absorbed
then that
would be me

life of the artist...

thank you

love
d

a thought from the field of the inner game...

2008-04-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

"...the path with heart

the true path
is beyond
fear..."

?

reading on the bus

2006-11-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

you are the buddha

you are the christos

you are allah

you are the way

the truth

you are the light

of the world

you are the immortal

you are the first

& the last

best hope

"...the kingdom, the power, & the glory..."?

2006-10-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

it occurred to me
as i was waking up
this morning:

"the kingdom"
is the realms
& dimensions
of ultimate
reality
where only truth
may exist...
?

"the power"
is the one energy
that everything
in & beyond the universe
is created, maintained,
& consists of...
?
the source
& divine structure
of the physical universe...
?
could it just be love
?
the geometry
of infinite
love
?

"the glory"

some call this the holy spirit

the spirit of holyness,

sacredness,

the realization

of the everpresent

divine reality

?
the descent or emergence
of divine consciousness
into the realms of human awareness
?
the shimmering

glee

of ultimate truth

loving

ones

being...

it also occurred to me

this morning

lying there hugging my pillow

staring at the wall

fresh

from just enough sleep:

that fear

like most emotions

in the human experience

can be viewed

as a restricting

of the everpresent flow

of cosmic

rejuvenating

sustaining

& divine

energy

to the physical body

& human spirit...

thus it follows that

harmony being our natural state

perhaps the way

to enjoying

perfect health

is to simply

not restrict

by means of our thoughts

& emotions

the everpresent flow

of cosmic, divine energy

eminating from within

&/or without

our being

occurance...

2006-10-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

"...no
one
else

is
responsible

for my happiness..."
?

there is infinity...?

2006-10-01T01:31:00.000-07:00

i' m
standing at a crosswalk
waiting for the light
it's nearing sunset
looking down at the pavement
it suddenly occurs to me
how infinite
everything is...

we live
an infinity
of infinities
even
just on this planet
&
within our bodies

i overheard someone
whose face i never saw
talking on their cellphone
as they passed
just a random sentence
about a friend of theirs
said with such enthusiasm
i recognised it
as the same life
i claim as genuine,
valid, important, & mine
& in that instant i was
reminded of how everyone
who has ever lived
has cherished their life so..

how vast & infinite
all those emotions

...everyones...

from the dawn of time
'til your reading this

and all the emotions
we have each missed

the opportunity
to react in a certain way
or other
passing

as we choose
to react & emote
in the one certain way
that eventually
becomes our forgotten memories..

all this came in an instant
& as the light changed
i looked up in the sky
& thought of all the infinity
just within each of our bodies

down to the space between
all the subatomic particles
that go to make up
each
one
person
lost
in our own thoughts
deep in our own life time/lifestory
hoping for the best
to happen for us...
?

thingz i learned in vermont...?

2006-08-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

every
thing
is
an
illusion...
?

rest

less
ness

may
be

guidance...

?

truth
is
free
dom...
?

romantic love can appear inconvenient...?

choices..?

2006-08-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

heard
while i was in the supermarket
at the salad bar
talking myself out of putting together
the salad i really wanted
dr. phil on a t.v. monitor
mounted overhead
saying

"..most choices
are made
based on
fear..."

could this be true
in my life.. if so
not good....i thot

whereupon
i was inspired to
get the salad i really wanted
no matter what the cost...

sure tasted yummy
& i felt great...

angel wingz...?

2006-07-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

why . . .

why do angels
even need wingz
?

morning thots

2006-05-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

" . .everyone
does
everything
consciously or unconsciously
az an
act
of
ultimate
compassion
?
immortal
children
helping
one another
grow
?
-5.16.2006 venice beach

"..no substitute for god..
?
or love..
?
or destiny
?
..destiny is what one was born to do
?
fulfilling ones destiny
is as simple
as doing today what one knows
to be true
?
rather than focusing on doing what anyone else can do
focusing on that which
only you can do
& if you don't do it
it will never happen...
?"
-5.11.2006 venice beach

the making of a phalse prophet...?

2006-05-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

the making of a false prophet
comes of
a little knowledge
&
a lot of ego...

ego is hidden
within each person

by the inner thief
(who steals from the soul
the natural joy
of being within the divine reality...)

& the inner liar
(who deceives the soul
at every possible moment
about any awareness
of the ultimate truth
of our being...)

the thief & the liar
are the ego itself
in all the myriad forms
& masks the ego takes on
to perpetuate
its dominion over the soul

the soul is swamped
by the ego..

the ego tricks & challenges the soul
immersed in
(while the ego is perhaps the sole product of)
the illusions of
seperateness
from god...

everything from a candy bar
to sex, drugs, tv, adventure
work, service, skill & the promise
of mastery, & control
are used by the ego
as carrots dangled in front of the soul
by the ego
as substitutes for god
to distract the soul from
progressing along
its divine path
& reaching the divine goal...

true love

the love of god..?

2006-02-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

accepting

the love

of god

allowing

infinite

ever

present

almighty

love

within

without

all

thingz

to fully

penetrate

any

every

part

oneself

completely

holding

nothing

back

from

this divine

communion

evolution

every day iz judgement day...?

2006-02-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

without

form

void

beyond

all

within

all

the

divine

without

question

infinite

love

pure

simply

uncorruptible

infinitly

touchable

accessible

love

inviolate

much

a great mystery,

everything

infinite

love
?

the secret of secrets

2006-02-01T10:59:00.000-08:00

god

the

oneness

within

all

thingz

...

between

god

there

nothing

...

way

2006-01-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

nothing

causes

anything

cause

nothing

graditude

thankfulness

are

the antidote

pride

the great mystery...

2006-01-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

the great mystery
is no mystery
to the great mystery...
?
the illusion
of being
seperate
from the great mystery
is cherished
ignorance
perception that serves
to keep
one
in the mortal world
the world of mortality
the world of the need
for living & dying

away from the truth
of ultimate
intimate
immortality
?

letting the children sleep
the great mystery
nurtures & nurishes
us all

'til we decide
each in our own time
to awaken
to the truth
of our unavoidable connectedness
& infinitude..
?
like an old movie seen many times before
everything is known
to the universe
perhaps its watching favorite parts
that make it all so interesting
to an infinite unending universe
?
yet the universe still
holds out hope
of being pleasantly surprised
by each & every one of us
each moment we're alive
?

rage..?

2005-12-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

rage
iz
attachement
to
pain

the pain
of
betrayal

the feeling
of
abandonment
by the universe
to
people
who act the enemy
playing the rol l
of
onez adversary

given
that
everyone
iz an angel
a divine
messenger

what one who plays
the enemy
does for us
is to show us
where & what
we hold on to:
pain.. hurt.. disappointment..
anger.. betrayal ..abandonment...?

???

...live 1000 years ?

2005-11-17T21:42:00.000-08:00

imagine
if
you
knew
that

if you took good care of your self
you
could
live
at
least
1000
years..

how
differently
would
you

live
your
life
today...

the silent one...

2005-10-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

the silent one
iz
behind
all
thingz . .

& we

are but

an illusion

playing
with
itself . .

the question
remainz

what iz truth

who are we
really

&
why
are we
here

for
what
purpose

to
what
end.

.

?

enlightenment

2005-10-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

forgetting
just for fun

we are each already secretly divine

children

playing

enlightenment

lightning squeezing star kness
up into deep blue sky

so drowning
within
the infinite
almighty
conscious
love
giggling joy
the all knowingness of being

that we can afford to explore
ignorance..

light trickling
bleeding
pretending
to die..

ice dripping from the frozen finger
of a tree misting one moment before dawn...

still
she kisses
even half awake
like time

leaving her smell

that of every woman

who has ever loved...

talk to god

2005-09-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

"..

the

part

that

seekz

god

-4.13.05 venice beach

there are those

to whom

god

iz but

an illusion

the grand illusion

real life

iz what iz

concrete

yet

concrete

like the hardest

stone in the universe

over time

meltz away

into dust

& dust to oblivion . .

perhaps

itz just

the nature

of the world

that what iz

real & infinite

appearz

illusionary

what appears

concrete

actually

the illusion . .

& love

wadez

through

it all

. .

-12.29.04

"..if you're on the earth..you're on the path.." ?

2005-08-26T03:35:00.000-07:00

thats right . .'earth: the spiritual playground'. . ?

". . great vacation

only things missing

were

true love

real wealth

every day

the ludicrous

horrendous

calous

just awful

thing happens

in the midst

of all the innane

& wonderous

miraculous

yummy

stuff

& still

the universe

just hummmz silently

along

seemingly

unphased

by any of this

yet

perhaps

profoundly

changed

by all of this

isn't it

2005-08-26T03:26:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny
but not fun
to be so locked up
in this fishbowl
of should i stay
or should i go
should i stay in the world
of "the real world "
of mortality
or
should i go
let go
return
to the infinite
mind everpresent
the constant awareness
of the immortal nature
of all thingz real
true life

?

what if even the infinite is but a dream...

2005-08-26T03:05:00.000-07:00

on the one hand

one must awake

from the dream

of ego

& seperateness

from the infinite

that allowz

one to think

the great

the barbarous

the capitalizing

the profitable

the infinite

the murderous

the enterprizing

the brilliant

the compassionate

the insensitive

the never ending

thot

to entertain

the notion

of peace

the soothing

tone

madness

& on the other hand

enlightenment

requirez

a precondition

of ignorance

without which

there'z just

infinite

light . .

a big mess

in this

little tiny

speck

of a place

we call

the real world

meanwhile

the infinte

consciousness

just sits here

bliss incarnate

hummming along

...with whatever the heck

it might be we think we're actually

doing...

witnesssing

our colorful

idiocy

watching us

remember

& forget

everything

heard it said

2005-08-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

"..life

it seemz

iz a real

paradox

surrounded

an enigma

wrapped

the great

mystery

masquerading

a connumdrum

pretending

to be

invisible

while

hiding

itz

infinitude

the profound

silence

utter peace, calm, &

ultimate

simplicity . .