WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush today responded to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University by issuing yet another ultimatum to Iran: become free immediately or we’ll do it for you. “And I have a feeling you won’t like our version of freedom” Bush added.

When questioned about his announcement, Bush cited the overwhelming success of the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003, saying “freedom’s on the move. Freedom likes to be free. It likes to move around and go new places. Funny thing about freedom, it’s always gettin’ restless.” A Bush aide who requested anonymity told AS.com that “we don’t even try to figure out what he’s saying these days. He just sorta babbles nonsense and then the next thing you know, we’re invading a new country.”

To protest Ahemenijad’s speech at Columbia University, hundreds took to the streets in New York, chanting “who’s your Ahmadinedaddy?”, a variation on a chant delivered by Yankee fans to Boston pitcher Pedro Martinez during the 2004 ALCS.

Recently we had a chance to sit down with Rudy Giuliani and discuss his plans for the country, if elected president.

Absolutely Serious: Rudy, you’ve already been crowned the “President of 9/11” by The Onion. How do you view your tenure as President of 9/11 and what are your successes?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, a lot of people joke about that, but it’s no laughing matter. In fact it’s absolutely serious!

AS: Oh stop.

RG: I jest! See, I do have a sense of humor. People think I’m all ‘terrorism, Al-Qaeda, and killing Iraqi children.’ I enjoy those things but I have a sensitive side too.

AS: All jokes aside, what will the President of 9/11 have in store for the country if he’s elected President of the free world?

RG: Well terrorism is a big deal. To paraphrase Anakin from Star Wars, I hate terrorism. It’s rough, coarse, and irritating. It gets everywhere.

AS: You’re a movie buff too! I didn’t realize your personality was so dynamic. Tell me about your fiscal policy.

RG: Fiscal policy is important. Taxes are bad. The federal government is a bloated mess. We spend billions of dollars on agencies like the DEA, the FCC, and Social Security. That money could be better spent on homeland security, stun guns, and wiretaps. Also, there’s a new agency I want to create.

AS: Juicy. Go on.

RG: I’ve been bouncing ideas around with my staff and I think we’re going to call it the Rudy Giuliani Agency for Muslim Extermination.

AS: The RGAME. That has a nice ring to it. Just the extermination of Muslims or do you envision a broader scope for your legacy project?

RG: Muslims and anyone who disagrees with me. Authority is important and so is obedience. If you’re going to disagree with me then you’re probably a terrorist too, or even a Muslim, so we’re going to have to exterminate you.

AS: Just playing devil’s advocate here, but won’t there be constitutional issues?

RG: I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but we’re working on that. The post-9/11 world isn’t necessarily a hospitable environment for a constitutional democracy. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

AS: You mentioned the DEA earlier. Aren’t drugs a tool of terrorists?

RG: Of course they are. Anyone who’s seen the PSAs knows that. But we’ve learned a lot from the Russians and the Germans. I would create a secret police force to deal with drug terrorists and the like.

AS: Is it hot in here or is it just you! Ok, tell me about your stance on net neutrality.

RG: The internet is a breeding ground for terrorists, so it can’t be neutral. The Chinese are really on the forefront of internet security and there’s a lot we could learn from them. We’re going to shut down access to anything terrorism related, or anyone that questions The Rudy.

AS: The Rudy. That’s new, I haven’t heard that before.

RG: Every great leader needs an authoritarian nickname. Referring to myself in the third person puts me on a pedestal of glory.

AS: Like George Costanza?

RG: If you compare me to Costanza again, I’ll have the secret police kill you.

AS: Ha, ok. We’re running low on time. Let’s play word association. Farm policy.

RG: 9/11.

AS: NAFTA.

RG: Terrorism.

AS: Free trade.

RG: 9/11.

AS: Hillary Clinton.

RG: Terrorism.

AS: Global warming.

RG: 9/11.

AS: The Wedding Crashers.

RG: 9/11.

AS: Pearl Jam.

RG: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. Everything changed after 9/11. And if you disagree, then you’re a terrorist. Vote for The Rudy in 2008 and you’ll never have to vote again.

AS: Thanks for your time The Rudy.

WILDERNESS, SD—A New York couple’s quest to live a completely ‘green’ lifestyle has come to an end. Chris and Suzy Zelton, a married couple from Manhattan moved to the South Dakota wilderness in a bid to show people that it’s possible to lead a “zero footprint” life, a lifestyle where their actions would have a minimal impact on the Earth’s environmental and natural resources.

Critics of the couple have described their endeavor as “quixotic,” citing the danger of living without such luxuries as modern medicine and food production techniques. The dire warnings of the danger were realized when the couple was found crawling alongside a remote service road in the backwoods of South Dakota, searching for help. They were taken to a local hospital where they are currently recovering from various infections and a lack of food.

“The first few days we were fine” said Chris. “But then things started to go bad” added Suzy. “We were living off the land, just like Native Americans once did, foraging for nuts and berries to survive.” Things took a turn for the worse about a week into their experiment, when Chris ate a poisonous berry. “I vomited for three days straight.”

With Chris unable to help with the gathering of food and maintenance of the camp, Suzy was forced to do all the work until she slipped on a rock and sprained her ankle. “It was awful, really awful” said Suzy. “We were both immobilized, Chris hadn’t eaten in days, and I was getting hungry too.” Unable to forage for food, the couple decided to give up their adventure and crawl back to modern society. They trekked 23 miles through the woods when a cut on Suzy’s hand became infected.

Doctors at the hospital were confident that the two would survive, but Suzy’s hand will “most likely have to be amputated.”

All in all, it was a positive experience, according to Chris. “We were much closer to nature for those two weeks in the woods, and we did a great service to mother nature. For two weeks we caused zero environmental damage.”

Suzy remained optimistic about the future of zero-footprint living. “Did I think we were going to die? Sure, but it was for the environment. We would definitely do it again, assuming we recover.”

BALTIMORE, MD—An innocent night on the town turned traumatic Friday night for Canton resident Alex Shafely when he and a friend, Shaun Livingston, ventured to the Mt. Vernon neighborhood for a night of fun. Leaving the confines of Canton for the first time since moving to Baltimore in June, Shafely chose to ignore his friends’ warnings of “some serious gayness” in Mt. Vernon.

Livingston, a friend from college, was visiting from out of town. “Since my friend was in town, I figured why not try something new? To explore the city a little. Canton can get old, ya know?” said Shafely. Alex and Shaun took a cab from O’Donnell St. to the Washington monument in Mt. Vernon. “I had no idea where we were going, but there’s lots of shops and restaurants in the area, so it seemed like a fun place to hang out.”

It wasn’t long before Alex noticed something was amiss. “I was looking around and I realized that nobody was wearing khaki pants or polo shirts. I mean, I’ve been to DC before, so I guess I’m cool with that.”

The two friends walked around for thirty minutes, unable to decide on a bar. “We couldn’t tell which bars were the gay bars and which ones were the straight bars. So we just picked a place. I think it had an animal name—it sounded fun” said Livingston, who was making his first trip to Baltimore.

Their choice proved fateful, as they entered Hippo, a club known for being extremely gay. Once they were inside, the two boys were disoriented by what they described as “overwhelming gayness.” “There were men running around with their shirts off, dudes making out at the bar, guys buying us drinks. I mean, I’m totally cool with being gay, but kissing in public? That’s disgusting” said a clearly shook-up Shafely.

His friend seemed more receptive to the experience. “I kinda enjoyed it actually” said Shaun. “When else do you get free drinks like that? And some dude asked if he could blow me in the bathroom. I was like ‘no way’ but it made me feel strange, like hey this guy thinks I’m hot! Does that make me gay?”

Shafely said that he would consider returning to Mt. Vernon, but only during the day.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—A recent survey taken by the Pentagon revealed that U.S. troops stationed in Iraq are content to keep fighting as long as Americans back home show their support with yellow magnetic ribbons attached to the trunks of their cars.

General Meyerson, who oversaw the survey, said that the army takes soldier morale very seriously. “There are many things that go into a soldier’s morale. Does he have the right equipment to get the job done? Will he die in vain? Do strangers back home have “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers on their cars? Surprisingly, this last question played an enormous role in the soldiers’ morale.”

Critics of the war have claimed that a better way to support the troops would be to bring them home and extract them from a dangerous war zone. Private Josh Peterson, who serves in the U.S. Army 1st Infantry Division, disagrees with critics.

“I’ve had a lot of friends die out here. I’ve seen some really awful things. When I go home I probably won’t get treatment for my PTSD. But none of that matters as long as people appreciate us and the work we’re not accomplishing.”

1. Stay active and energized. Really energized. In life there are no shortcuts to a more active lifestyle, but in West Baltimore there is cocaine. Snort, smoke, or shoot the good stuff whenever you feel down. This will keep your spirits high and increase your energy for a more active lifestyle.

2. Don’t overeat. The best way to not overeat is to not have any money. The best way to not have any money is to not work. Instead of working, shoot heroine. You can purchase your daily dose from one of the many pharmaceutical salesmen stationed on the corners of West Baltimore. Heroine will curb your appetite for food. Unfortunately, it will also curb your desire to do anything. When energy is low, see number one.

3. Exercise is an important part of any weight loss plan. Walking is a great way to burn calories but can lead to boredom. Try to incorporate a game into your walking plan, like scrounging for scrap metal. This way, you can make money while exercising.

4. Get your heart rate up. Running on a treadmill is tedious and there are no treadmills in West Baltimore. Instead, run from the cops. You can attract the attention of police by stealing (you need money anyway). If you’re lucky enough to be black, you may not need to do anything—just stand around on the street and the cops will be after you soon enough.

5. Enjoy the great outdoors and get plenty of sunlight. West Baltimore may not be great, but it is outdoors. Sleep outside in alleys. Get sunlight while indoors by living in a burnt-out shell without a roof.

6. Don’t give up. The West Baltimore Diet is guaranteed to make you lose weight in just three months, but results will not be immediate. If you can stick to the plan after three months, you will find yourself addicted to the West Baltimore lifestyle. Enjoy your new body and your new lifestyle!

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO—Mexican President Felipe Calderon signed a bill today, radically overhauling Mexico’s immigration system, in an attempt to stem the flow of American vacationers pouring over the border. Supporters of the bill say that immigration reform in Mexico was long overdue, and that the new policy will “close off the borders to the greedy gringos.”

Crowds gathered in the Mexican capital to celebrate the new bill, holding up signs that said “no more pasty white gringos!” and “it’s our home, not a giant frat party for drunk college kids!” referring to the thousands of Americans who flood Mexico’s beaches every year in search of relaxation and debauchery.

Critics of the bill warned that closing the border off to Americans would stop the flow of American money into Mexico’s thriving tourism industry. “These are vacations that Mexicans simply won’t take. Unfortunately, Mexicans want to work all the time. If the Americans don’t visit our resorts, then nobody will.”

Some observers have speculated that the measure was a political retaliation for the anti-immigrant rhetoric by politicians and anti-immigration activists in the U.S. A late attempt at a compromise between Calderon and President Bush would have allowed a “worker for vacationer” exchange program, but the deal was derailed at the last minute by nativist forces in both countries.

BALTIMORE, MD—The battle for the coolest neighborhood in Baltimore turned bloody this weekend when a Federal Hill resident shot and killed a Canton man during a dispute over which neighborhood is “cooler.” According to witnesses, the two men, John Taylor and Russ Simpson, had been enjoying Miller Lite together at Max’s on Broadway, a bar chosen for its location in Fell’s Point, a neutral neighborhood.

A source close to John and Russ said that they chose the location for the evening’s festivities because despite their differences, they always agreed that Fell’s Point “sucked big time” and that the girls were “nasty.” Megan Etling, a woman close to both parties involved in the dispute, said that relations between John and Russ had been strained ever since they graduated together from the University of Maryland at College Park, and moved to opposing Baltimore neighborhoods in 2006.

Apparently tensions arose again on Saturday night, when John, who lived in Federal Hill, insinuated that “Federal Hill girls are way way hotter than Canton girls.” “That really pissed Russ off” said Etling, who declined to disclose her neighborhood for fear of reprisal. “He said that at least the girls in Canton weren’t a bunch of sorority sluts, and anyway Federal Hill is practically ‘the ghetto.’”

At that point, Russ shouted “whatever, dick!” and stormed out of the bar. “We had no idea where he went but he was really pissed” said Megan. Thirty minutes later, around midnight, Russ returned to the bar with a gun and shot John in the chest, killing him. Police found the suspect an hour later at his favorite bar, Ropewalk Tavern in Federal Hill. He was drinking a Miller Lite alone in the corner when police arrived and arrested him.

CUSCO, PERU—Cameron Diaz just can’t win these days. The American actress, who was criticized last week for carrying a Maoist handbag in a country that suffered years of fighting with communist rebels, managed to find a handbag even more offensive: a purse made from a hollowed-out Indian head.

Diaz found herself in hot water last week when she was spotted in the ancient Incan city of Machu Picchu, sporting a messenger bag emblazoned with a reference to Mao Zedong—a sensitive issue in a country that saw nearly 70,000 people die during a communist revolution in the 80s and 90s.

Everyone knows that celebrities need trendy accessories, but Diaz’s choice was startling to say the least. Nobody knows how she managed to obtain an actual Indian head, but there she was Sunday, taking in the sights at the Sacsayhuaman ruins near Cusco, Peru.

Apart from the gruesome and offensive nature of her new accessory, the hollowed-out Indian head raises some questions about Diaz’s activities on her vacation, Cusco Chief of Police Juan Amenezar told reporters Sunday afternoon. “If she just found it along the trail, that’s one thing. But if she killed an Indian to make her handbag, then we have a problem.”

BALTIMORE, MD—Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon announced Saturday morning that the new Baltimore Chief of Police will be Mr. Natty Boh. The announcement ends a months-long search for a city police commissioner and marks Dixon’s first major move as Mayor.

Mr. Boh, whose popularity has skyrocketed in recent years, will take over an embattled police force that has been the subject of recent controversy over its frequent violence against city residents. “Mr. Boh has had his eye on the city for quite some time now” Dixon told reporters at a City Hall news conference. “We felt that it was time for him to come down from his perch and do more to serve the city that loves him.”

Critics have questioned whether Mr. Boh, whose only work experience involves the promotion of National Bohemian beer, will be able to curb Baltimore’s astronomical murder rate.

“Let’s be honest, not matter who the commissioner is, 90% of Baltimore will be a violent hellhole. Might as well have someone jolly that beer-drinkers can relate to” opined Joe Smith, a lifelong Baltimore resident.

Mr. Boh was unavailable for comment.

RESTON, VA—A study released today by comScore, a company that analyzes trends in the digital world, found that 97% of all blogs are completely unreadable. Researchers came to their conclusion after sorting through thousands of blogs looking for anything interesting, a task which proved more difficult than expected.

“You can’t go a day now without hearing about blogs, blogging, or bloggers. It’s a huge phenomenon, and yet most blogs are utter shit” said Jason Reynolds, the study’s lead author. “Frankly, I can’t see why anyone would think that the world wants to hear about your stupid cat, or how much you hate your menial job.”

We interviewed Jennifer Arroyo, a local blogger whose blog was analyzed as part of the study. “Hey, I don’t care what the world thinks—my blog is for my family and friends and they love it” Arroyo told us over the phone. But when we interviewed Jennifer’s friends, her story didn’t pan out.

“Jenny’s website? Yeah she talks about it all the time. I went there once when I was bored at work, but honestly, I don’t need to read her rambling on about her experience at the grocery store. It’s bad enough I have to hear about it on the phone!” said an anonymous friend of Arroyo. Jennifer’s parents refused to comment on her blog, which was given a rating of 0 by comScore’s ranking system for its “total lack of interesting content and high content of mindless dreck.”

By now you’ve seen America’s amazing success in Iraq and Afghanistan and you’ve probably thought to yourself: “wow, the world is so much safer now, how did we do it?”

And more importantly, you want to know how you can incorporate the same principles of success (known as “the Bush Doctrine”) into your own life. Well now you can, in seven easy steps!

The official guide to making your neighborhood safe with the Bush Doctrine, presented by AbsolutelySerious.com:

1. Identify the rogue neighbor. Did someone on your street make a recent gun purchase? Could that gun potentially kill you and your family? Has that person ever given you the evil eye or a similarly threatening gesture? If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, then you have a rogue neighbor. We’ll call him “Mr. Jones.”

2. Gather intelligence. Use your kids as spies. Have them play with the neighbor’s kids under the pretense of having fun, then make them report any suspicious behavior to you. If they fail to find evidence that Mr. Jones is planning to kill you, don’t worry–this step isn’t too important.

3. Announce the threat. Bring a bullhorn to the neighborhood picnic and tell everyone that the Jones’ have a gun and are planning to kill you. If Mr. Jones approaches you at this point, do not speak with him. If you negotiate, you are a coward.

4. Build a coalition of allies. To carry out your mission, you’ll need friends with firepower and moral authority. People who refuse to help you are cowards. Don’t worry, this step isn’t important either; kids with water guns will suffice.

5. Mount a PR campaign. At this point, other people in your community will begin to wonder about your intentions and perhaps even accuse you of preparing for some violent and poorly-planned mission. These people are cowards and should be identified as such, publicly. Get out your bullhorn again and get to work.

6. Invade. Assemble your coalition, surround Mr. Jones’ house, and break down the doors. Kill Mr. Jones and any adults in the house. Killing children is OK, as long as it’s an accident. Collateral damage is inevitable. Remember, they would grow up to be terrorists anyway.

7. Victory! Congratulations, you have successfully eliminated your neighborhood threat! Move in, the house is now yours. Do not feel pressure to find the weapons that caused the invasion. If anyone tries to remove you from the house, label them a terrorist and kill them or lock them in the basement. If anyone questions your motivations, accuse them of supporting terrorists.

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a desire to spend more time with his family and enjoy the spoils of war, President Bush told a small group of reporters this morning that he will not seek a third term as president.

Speaking candidly an invitation-only breakfast at the White House Sunday morning, President Bush discussed the demands of office and dispelled rumors that he would use a military coup to remain in power after 2008.

“I’m owed so many favors from the Iraq war, you wouldn’t believe it—it’s time to cash in” said Bush, whose approval rating has hovered in the low 30s in recent months. Not that poll numbers would prevent him from running a third time.

“Polls are a tricky thing, but let’s be honest, I didn’t exactly win the first two elections either. I’ve spoken with Hugo [Chavez] and he’s given me some good ideas about how to stick around.”

When asked what he meant by that statement, Bush replied that there are other ways of remaining president. “Could I do a military coup? Sure, it’s always a possibility. I mean hell, we go the Iraq war and the Patriot act—how hard could it be to pull off a coup? I’m not ruling it out, but there’s other things I want to do with my life.”

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaking at a press conference today, President Bush issued an ultimatum to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, warning him that failure to shut down the Iranian nuclear program will result it serious consequences, including a deployment of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, also known as FEMA.

A pentagon spokesman said that the U.S. military is reconsidering the role of FEMA in disaster recovery, noting that FEMA was more effective at creating disasters than actually helping anyone.

If sent to Iran, FEMA’s mission would be to harass local citizens, disrupt supply chains, block entry and exit to major cities, prevent private aid groups from helping the wounded, and engage in assorted havoc wreaking activities.

“It’s well known that our policy is to leave all options on the table. Many people thought that we meant tactical nuclear strikes. Well, we have something far more deadly and disruptive” Bush told reporters on the White House lawn.

President Bush declined to discuss details of the plan on Thursday, but a military analyst close to the administration believe that a FEMA attack would likely mean an invasion by thousands of well-intentioned bureaucrats, crippling Iran’s infrastructure within days.

Ahmadinejad’s response to the Bush administration was televised Friday morning on Al Jazeera. “We are not afraid of your meddlesome invaders. Also, the holocaust never happened. Death to America!”

WASHINGTON, DC—A Gallup poll released Wednesday night found that a whopping 37% of prospective American voters are unaware that Barack Obama is in fact a black man. Perhaps even more surprising, the poll found that African-Americans are even less likely than whites to know about Obama’s blackness.

“I guess now that you mention it—yeah I can see it” commented local black man, Jerome Washington.

Obama, who trails Hillary Clinton by 11% in the most recent Rasmussen poll, was unavailable for comment. A source close to the Democratic Senator’s campaign confirmed that Obama is indeed black and that he has been for his entire life.

“This isn’t some political ploy to gain the black vote” the source said. “I’ve known Barack many years and he’s always been black; even before he was in politics. That’s something he’s proud of—race is too important to be decided by politics.”

Some white people reacted with concern. “Am I still going to vote for him? It’s not like I’m a racist or anything, but still. I mean he fooled me this long so I guess he can’t be too black.”