Abstraction Distraction

unsettled

2009-05-12T23:38:00.002-04:00

the thought of moving again spurs a whirlwind of tornadoes in my stomach.

i just moved less than a year ago. i can't stomach the idea of packing everything up and going through that again.

my parents are like racehorses bursting out of the gate... they're intent on barreling forward with the condo hunt. everything is building to a rapid crescendo. i feel like i'm standing lost on the sidelines holding a saddle in my hands because i missed jumping on the horse.

i just don't know if this is a good idea anymore. do i let myself get swept away in the tornado or do i stick my boots in the mud and refuse to budge until i overcome this mental block? is it a mental block for any good reason or is my hesitancy unfounded? i really don't know.

feeling unsettled with muddled thoughts.

dog days

2009-05-10T21:58:00.003-04:00

another weekend come and gone. running around has become a way of life, a brutal necessity. my weekdays have been overtaken with work and therefore i need to squeeze a whole week's worth of fun into two short weekend days. my weekend is so busy i don't even have TIME to do work!

sometimes i just want to stay home and walk around in fuzzy slippers all day. hooray for shaggy dog slipper days.

snap crackle pop

2009-03-10T00:27:00.002-04:00

the air crackles with a dangerous electricity
where just one breath
can inflate helium dreams
or smash hope into thin glass shards.

monday morning

2009-03-09T10:05:00.002-04:00

i woke up at 7:15 but it felt like it was 6:15
fat raindrops splatter against my window
gray clouds hang low in the sky
as if they could crush me
i keep thinking about crunchy, sizzling bacon
dripping with grease
brain oil, that's what i need!

the beautiful sadness

2009-03-03T01:17:00.000-05:00

i taste a beautiful sadness about her
dark moons hang in crescents below her eyes
as heavy footfalls smolder weighty thoughts
and daily obligations give way
to daily repertoire.

Excerpted

2009-02-10T23:37:00.002-05:00

Inspired by a postcard of a used tea bag with someone's photograph printed on it.

Whisper songs of ghosts
infuse the flavor of my blood
with sepia stained memories.

empty

2009-02-08T21:32:00.003-05:00

I am a color photograph tossed into an elevator shaft
abandoned to die quietly
and fade into muddied sepia tones.

I exist in the hollow space between indecision and certainty.

Silence

2009-02-07T23:16:00.002-05:00

This silence is killing me.

I am bleeding, slowly and carefully. I'm trying not to make a mess. Blood seeps through the crack in my composure, pooling in bright red oceans. They scream to be noticed.

48 hours

2009-02-05T23:57:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that the very best day in a long while could be followed by the very worst day in a long while. Fate has a wicked sense of humor.

pondering 2008

2008-12-25T22:15:00.003-05:00

From looking at my posting history, 2008 was not a bloggy year. I'm not sure why. But it is rather pathetic to see how infrequently I've posted this year.

I'd like to devote 2009 to writing more frequently, but I don't know if that will effect my blog. I'd like to be spending my time writing things that might actually pan out to be somewhat worthwhile. I've been thinking a lot about writing screenplays...

I really hope that 2009 can be a good year.

up all night

2008-11-05T02:19:00.002-05:00

after a historic presidential election, i was feeling uplifted and in good spirits. obama is a rousing speaker.

then i woke up at 2:00am because i heard some screaming. it sounded like it was coming from a neighbor on the other side of the wall. in a sleep haze, i thought, is someone celebrating because of the election?

then i hear knocking at my door, frantic knocking. i scramble to put some clothes on, wondering what's going on. i call out, "what's going on?" and look out the peephole. the hallway lights are on and there's a commotion. turns out my landlord is upstairs banging on our doors. my neighbor is trying to calm her down and they're speaking in greek. she's frantic because she said she saw a person at her window in the back, trying to break in. she asks me to check outside my windows to see if anyone's out back, or on the fire escape. I'm kind of scared to check, but i do, and i don't see anyone. my landlord rushes past me to check my windows herself, in the process knocking out the window screen and a leaf falls off of my growing beanstalk plant.

my neighbor calls the police and 10 minutes later, they come to investigate. they say that no one is out in the back and whoever it was, is gone now. well, obviously! who would stick around if their first attempt to break in is twarted? they suggest that my landlord get a motion-detector light in the back. apparently there have been other break-ins in the neighborhood lately.

so this makes me feel really great, because my apartment is in the back of the building and also the fire escape leads right to my window. i just spent 15 minutes putting 2 pieces of scrap wood together and using packing tape to adhere them in a vertical direction to my window, hopefully acting as a mechanism to keep someone from being able to lift the window.

i don't really feel like sleeping now. i'm thinking of what i would do if someone broke into my apartment, and how i can safeguard my stuff from being taken.. or hide it.

most disturbing, i can't believe that someone tried to break in at 2:00am! this is contrary to any common sense. wouldn't they know that everyone is home asleep at that time... why not break in during the day when people are at work? i don't want to think about the possibility that maybe they purposely intended to have their victim here so they could physically hurt them. argh.

a little shaken up.

workout wear

2008-11-03T22:38:00.002-05:00

In the locker room I try not to look at anyone but inevitably sometimes my peripheral vision kicks in. I just wonder... who in their right mind would work out in a thong? Does that seem like a bad idea to anyone else but me?

Tired

2008-11-03T10:31:00.002-05:00

During the morning commute I look at everyone else and wonder if any of them slept on a couch last night exposed to refrigerator and cable box noises, and were woken up at 2am and 6am before having to get up for work at 7am.

I'm really tired today... so much to do. Need to start planning a party menu for next weekend.

Strange company

2008-10-30T10:03:00.003-04:00

I think I stood next to a gang member on the crowded E train today. Why else would a 20-something guy lace up his sneakers with blue and purple shoelaces? Once I realized the oddity of this, I took a few steps away. There's no need to get caught in crossfire.

P.S. -- Yes, I'm baaaack!

Tween girls have become even more annoying

2008-05-16T13:56:00.003-04:00

I just read this somewhat disturbing piece of news:

Tween girls 8-12 are spending some $500 million annually on beauty products according to the NPD Group's newest report, Insight Into the Youth Beauty Market, which in addition to tweens looks at a broader spectrum of youth consumers 8-24 years old. In the survey tween girls report first using beauty products at 10 years old. Who is paying for the beauty products? Four out of 10 tween gals say they use their allowance to make their purchases, while about six in ten say their parent/guardian pays for their products. What are tween girls buying? Well, about 60% of the tween girls report they use fragrances/body sprays, with five out of 10 girls having used skincare products, while makeup came in third. Not shocking to those of us who were once tween girls, lip gloss is one of the most popular products they use. However, different from what I recall of my tweendom, the NPD report finds that today's tween girls use at least 30 different beauty product categories, which includes firming cellulite cream. The report finds that tween girls favorite fragrance brands include: Bath and Body Works; Britney Spears; Britney Spears: Curious; Victoria Secrets; and ck: One.

I think that up until like college, I only used lip gloss. Bonne Bell or maybe Chapstick. I guess I was a big nerd who was awfully behind in my knowledge of beauty products. I'm still pretty behind in my knowledge of beauty products, which is probably why I could never get a fashionable job in the beauty industry like my friend who made the jump from publishing to Este Lauder. Ha ha, I don't even know the correct spelling of Este Lauder.

I can't believe that tween girls' favorite fragrance brands include Victoria Secret. I still feel like Victoria Secret salespeople look down their noses at me in disdain when I go into their stores. And I'm 27.

the one time i watch tv

2008-05-12T21:15:00.002-04:00

and actually see commercials...

i LIKE the song that plays in the new Old Navy commercial! now i just need to figure out what it is.

solitary happiness

2008-05-12T21:00:00.002-04:00

Just finished watching Gossip Girl in my own apartment, in real-time. For once I actually got home before 8pm. I was planning to go to the dojo, but after spraining my ankle today figured I should rest it for at least a few days.

It's kind of nice to get home when it's still daylight out. It feels like I have the whole day in front of me. Actual free time.

It would feel even nicer if my sink wasn't full of dirty dishes and my one deepdish pan was left dirty in the sink. I didn't feel like dealing with it so I just got takeout for dinner even though I should really be saving money by cooking. I think I am finally going to say something about this situation. It's just really inconsiderate for my roommate to use my pots, pans, and dishes and then not wash them for 3 days. What about if I want to (gasp) use my own dishes once in awhile? Do I always have to double the work for myself by washing them before AND after I use them?

I've tried doing things like piling her dishes on one side of the sink, or doing her dishes and then leaving the drying rack full of visibly clean dishes, or putting clean dishes away in the cupboard (which she never does) so she'll know that I cleaned them. But I guess sometimes people just can't see a hint.

time and place

2008-05-08T23:51:00.002-04:00

when walking around my neighborhood, i feel a great sense of calm. maybe familiarity breeds a sense of peace and calm. or maybe the neighborhood simply has good, positive energy. we talk a lot about that at the dojo. it, too, is a place filled with positive energy.

i like the look and feel of the lofty brownstones on quiet side streets. i like the restaurants and cafes that line the streets, the activity that emits a lively buzz when I walk past lighted storefronts. i like the old-school italian eateries juxtaposed against the sleek, modern winebars. i like that the bars are full and yet never crowded. i like the smallness of the neighborhood, the way its two major arteries run north-south on either side of my block.

more specifically,
i like the bagel store where a bagel with cream cheese still costs only $1.85, the vietnamese sandwich shop where i can get my bubble tea and banh mi fix, the bars on 3rd place that have actually given me drinks for free, the tiny neighborhood park where kids play baseball on an asphalt blacktop, the musty old independent bookstore that's actually a bit dark and scary, the overpass of the BQE that I find exhilarating to cross, and the pizza place where the guys listen to spanish radio and make sad faces when i say i want my slice "to go."

i think about all this and feel deeply conflicted about wanting to leave. sigh. can i abandon CG for a place of my own? my own slice of rental real estate in this ridiculously overpriced city?

oldness

2008-05-04T02:09:00.002-04:00

tonight i wore high heeled peep-toe sandals and now my feet are killing me. the tops of my toes have bumps on them from being squeezed into my shoes. i don't know why i even bother wearing heels.

i got to the bar at 10pm and went home at 1:15am. i don't care if that's lame, but i was sooo tired for some reason! i think that years upon years of working just kind of beat the energy out of me. i had my early bird fun though.

i saw my cousins earlier today, who are ages 16, 17, and 20. they were talking about the national honor society inductions and the high school scholarship awards that their school gives. i barely remembered anything about national honor society (that was 10 years ago!) except that i was in it. i think. then the 17 year old was exclaiming how she never realized i was 10 years older... "10 years?! That's almost a decade!" she said.

Idle pondering

2008-04-21T17:26:00.002-04:00

Questions I wonder about while I'm sitting at my desk at 5:30pm:

Is having my own apartment sans rommate(s) worth paying an extra $400 a month for, as well as increasing my commute time by 20-30 minutes and living in a less aesthetically pleasing area farther away from downtown Manhattan?
Is New York City just getting too expensive for me? Would moving somewhere else (I'm thinking Philadelphia) be something I should think about?
Have my creative writing talents disappeared in the years since college? What about if I never accomplish anything else again?
Is my job good enough for now, for forever, or not good enough at all?
Why does my stomach make growling noises every morning, even when I DO eat breakfast? This is a recent problem and I'm worried it will be permanent and embarrassing and impede my success in business.
Will there ever be a point in my life where I don't have to worry about blemishes aka pimples, aka embarrassing annoying red bumps on my face?
Why do Clorox Disinfecting Wipes still fail to pick up all the dust and particles that are making my desk look gross?

April 17th, your name is awful

2008-04-17T22:45:00.003-04:00

I had an awful day today. Luckily there are less than 2 hours left.

First, the day started off badly when R told me he could see my underwear through my dress. Not the underwear itself, but rather the outline. (Please note that I hate the synonym for underwear that begins with P, and I will never, ever, use that word.)

I guess he thought he was being helpful by pointing this out, but it started my day unpleasantly. I mean, I couldn't do anything about it since I didn't have any spare underwear at his apartment, and I wasn't about to wear dirty underwear from the day before, so what solution was there, really.

I was craving fruit juice, so on my way to work I bought a bottle of Nantucket Nectar (which was another unnecessary use of money) and paid $1.95. This made me realize that yesterday when I bought Nantucket Nectar from another place and got charged $2.50, I was totally ripped off.

A half hour into work, I get a phone call from my boss, who informs me that a certain B-list celebrity is upset about a marketing mailing that I did for her book. Apparently she complained to the Publisher about it, who then called my boss, and then it trickled down to me. I was trying to explain what happened, but three times throughout the conversation, my boss said, "That's not the point."

Of course, a whole crapload of problems have to happen today as well, such as:

Someone calling me about an ad that I handed in on Tuesday, saying that the whole thing was done in the wrong size
People wanting ISBNs and displays set up urgently, of course on the day that both of the coordinators in my group are out
Discovering that an ad is due less than 2 weeks from now
Feeling like all of my projects are behind schedule and coming in late

There's probably more, but I don't feel like reliving the painful moments.

Oh and to add to the awful day, I got home and saw that our kitchen trash can is overflowing as usual. I think that if the trash can lid can't close, that's a good sign that the trash needs to be taken out. Apparently this isn't so obvious to everyone. Also, when the kitchen trash is full, this doesn't mean you throw food and food wrappers away in the bathroom trash can.

Black Belt Club

2008-04-15T08:46:00.004-04:00

I try to tell myself it's not all about the belt ranks... and I truly believe that.

But that changes when you meet an eleven-year-old kid that tells you she's a black belt in tae kwon do. Suddenly, I feel horribly behind in life.

Grrrrr

2008-04-12T00:52:00.002-04:00

It's just kind of annoying that I bought toilet paper the last two--or was it three-- times, and now I come home after a day and a half of being away, and find that we are completely out of toilet paper and my roommate hasn't bought any. There's an empty roll left in the bathroom with scraps of paper.

However I noticed that in the time I've been away my roommate had time to cook or at least throw 2 dirty plates, more dirty mugs, and my frying pan in the sink. How she had time to do that, and not to buy toilet paper, I don't understand.

Favorite book

2008-04-09T08:49:00.003-04:00

I just read this article claiming that, when asked, most people will say their favorite book is the Bible.

I don't think that the Bible can be considered someone's "favorite book." I understand that religion is important to some people, but still. That's like saying your favorite drink is water.

Bitchin

2008-04-04T17:53:00.002-04:00

So on the FIRST day that I return to my apartment since my roommate got back from her 2 week vacation:

My previously empty sink is now filled with dirty dishes again.
All of the cleaned utensils and plates in the drying rack are gone and instead dirty in the sink.
Two of our three pans are in the sink
Both the kitchen and bathroom trash cans are overflowing
The tub drain is clogged with my roommate's hair.

I can't believe that in one day every possible thing that annoys me, has already happened.

Argh!