About three years ago I was starting to watch live, illegal streams of NFL games online. Once I figured out how to do this I thought “I’ll watch this in mediocre quality this year, but next year the NFL will probably come out with their own online streaming scheme and it will be awesome.” Three years later and the only thing they’ve done is stream one game per week and they don’t even stream the entire thing. They show fucking analysts talking about the game behind a desk while plays are going on. How in the hell can some douche in his mom’s basement figure out how to do this shit, but an entire company of people cannot?

The next thing that pisses me off about technology is how batteries have made seemingly no progress since they were invented. My laptop battery lasts about 2 hours. Smartphone batteries last about a day. Tech companies spend all this time and money slowly progressing their products then they just throw a regular old battery in there and say “oh this battery only lasts 5 hours? Oh well.”

I’m also getting sick and tired of all the fanfare that Netflix gets for its online streaming of movies and TV shows. I can’t go a day without hearing “I’m watching the incredible Netflix, it’s the best thing on or around the planet”. Where the fuck do these people come from where they only watch shitty movies from the 1970′s or just the first season of TV shows? Seriously, there’s a 6 season TV show that I wanted to watch online but only the first 2 were streamable. Everything that is ever filmed should be available instantly to stream online and it will be, once I’m president.

I know people will say “just torrent that shit, man”. That would be a fantastic idea if I hadn’t already gotten caught for illegally downloading Photoshop some years ago. My ISP shut my internet and cable TV down for a week while they mailed some sort of contract I had to sign saying I’ll never do it again and if I do they will sue me for millions of dollars.

I guess my anger towards technology comes from two different directions. The first being the douche bags who run around saying “it’s 2010, where’s my hoverboard?” like that’s something new and clever to say. How about we figure out how batteries work first. If there were hoverboards right now they’d be useless because you’d go halfway down your driveway and the battery would melt.

The other part of my anger stems from the fact that I can’t afford the good shit. You see, I don’t have things like “friends” or “things to do” so technology tends to be my entire life. Meanwhile I’m still rocking a 27-inch CRT TV that weighs 238 pounds which makes my living room look like my high school bedroom at my mom’s house. My laptop battery dies almost instantly after turning it on, but not before it burns a hole through my legs, couch and all the way through to the apartment below me.

I guess the point of this whole post is to convince people to either send me bunches of money so I can upgrade my life and also to get people who are smarter than me to write in and teach me how to steal shit online without getting caught. If I could somehow finagle those two things I could die happy, but not before I catch up on all the shows I’ve watched only the first season of.

Speaking of technology, if you need hosting for a website use the banners in the sidebar and the footer or click here. You’ll get great hosting from DreamHost and it also helps this site. Insert Promo Code ABSURDLYAWESOME and get $15 off if you sign up for a year.

Technorati Tags: rant, technology sucks

Out of all the crazy things in this video I think the most ridiculous thing about it was that the guy just jogs up to a (supposed to be) hot babe and doesn’t get immediately rejected. Either that or the fact that he carries a regular frisbee and a death frisbee around with him at all times. I can’t help but wonder what thoughts were running through his head the day he decided this ridiculousness was necessary.

I mean, I’ve had some pretty irrational thoughts lead to real world decisions before, but nothing this extreme. The furthest I’ve ever taken it was deciding that I’ll never wear flip-flops just in case I get into a fight or need to push someone out of the way of an oncoming train. Plus, wearing boots adds several inches to my height. This is needed because I only hit on girls who are shorter than me and it increases my target demographic. Maybe if I decided to wear only stilts because of this fact then maybe I could be compared to Mr. Razor Frisbee.

Speaking of my dating life, I think this video will finally help me spot “the one”. I’ll just walk around telling strange girls that they’ve “got a great ass” and if one ever replies with “so do you pilgrim” I’ll know it’s a love that will last forever. I guess if she ever called me a “turkey” that could work too, but in more of a love/hate/angry-sex kind of way, or she will be my grandmother.

Technorati Tags: frisbee death

there is a guy that i really like and he wants to jave sex with me. im still a virgin and i dont think i want to have sex yet. i dont want him to think i dont like him but i want him to know that im not ready to have sex. how do i tell him?

In case you’re a simpleton who doesn’t realize what this email means I’ll break it down for you. The sender of this email can only be a 14 year old girl. I’m basing this, of course, on my junior high experiences where girls would come up to me and say “I want to talk to you about sex”. I’d get all excited thinking my time has finally come, but what they really wanted to talk about was if they should bang some other guy. It would always end the same way. I’d say “of course not, are you crazy?” out of jealousy and they’d go ahead and do it anyways.

That was 12 years ago, though, and from what I’m seeing on the TV lately things have changed. For all I know the sender of this email could actually be 9 years old. And while this post could easily be transformed into something about me hating society, I’ll try to keep it on track as much as possible.

You see, I’m extremely torn about this advice question. Part of me wants to make jokes about either banging and turning into a whore or becoming a nun and hating your vagina for the rest of your life, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I’ll be honest, my timidity stems from not knowing if I’m allowed to comment on something like this without getting arrested. Ever since I got fired I’ve realized that there are consequences for the words I choose to say, which is scary for a person like me who has only a small filter between my brain and my mouth. I guess the easiest way to deal with this is to just shoot from the hip, bang, bang, old west style.

You’re allowed to say you don’t want to have sex with someone. You’re allowed to. I know it’s hard to imagine someone manly and attractive as me ever getting turned down, but it’s happened. Usually after I insult their mother. So if you don’t want to have sex with someone tell them exactly that. The worst thing that will happen is he’ll say to himself “well, I guess I’m not going to be having sex with this girl.” What else can he do, assuming he’s not a rapist in training? It’s really not that fucking hard if you’re not a complete idiot pushover.

In case I wasn’t convincing enough for you maybe the great philosopher Milo Turk will have some influence.

Oh, I should also direct you to never email me again if you are, in fact, a child. I like my freedoms.

To have your problems figured out by a non-professional like me, send them in on this handy dandy form.

Technorati Tags: advice, milo turk, no sex allowed, sex

The “get this camera out of my fucking face” guy didn’t even have the camera in his “fucking face” until he grabbed it and half pointed it there. I think he just wanted the attention, like most old people do every time they see another live human being who is capable of talking so they can strike up inane conversations. I think they do this just to make sure they’re alive and don’t live in some sort of alternate universe where they actually died several years ago without knowing and are now a ghost.

So the old people in this video are absolutely crazy and need to stop it. Does that put me on the side of the camera guy? Absolutely not. An old guy with frail little bird arms grabs his camera and he starts screaming that he’s been assaulted. This action is probably in my top 10 annoyances of all time. “You barely touched me! I can’t believe you! That’s assault and you’re going to jail for years!” It’s like the verbal version of a soccer player taking a dramatic dive when barely touched. Grow a dick, learn how to use it, and realize that life doesn’t have to be a fucking soap opera.

I’m really trying to turn my life around lately and not be so negative with my constant hate of everything and everybody, but goddamn it videos like this make it tough. In my opinion, if someone dropped a bomb on this gym during this confrontation I would probably label it as “the best case scenario”.

I really can’t wait until technology gets to a point where I can clone myself a bunch of times and also create twice as many super hot, mute girls with huge boobs so we can all live on an island together and I can be their king. Someday…

Technorati Tags: assault, camera man, old people

Why did I just have to post this and why does it make me happy? Well, mainly because it makes me look like a huggable, lovable puppy dog. Sure, I’ve said some vicious, potentially offensive stuff on this blog and in life, but nothing I’ve ever said could be compared to the insanity that is Mel Gibson.

Even though this audio makes everything I’ve typed on this blog look rational part of me wants to look at it as a challenge imposed by Mr. Gibson directly to me. I feel like I now need to outdo him with a crazy rant of my own. All of a sudden I’m in a bat-shit-crazy-off with Mel Gibson, but it’s one that I would never be able to win. Why? Because he seems to be against big boobs, which may be the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. The “your boobs are too big” part of the rant makes the “if you get raped by a pack of niggers” part of the rant look like a playful jab between two lovely and innocent 6-year-old girls. I’ve really never heard anything more offensive in my entire life.

Technorati Tags: mel gibson, n-words, racist, rant

I seriously have never felt more uncomfortable while watching a video in my entire life. I feel like workout commercials used to at least try to be somewhat convincing. Anyone with half a brain should be able to tell that this is bullshit, especially men. I don’t know about you, but I have intense 30 minute solo jack parties at least once a day and I still have the physique of a 13 year old boy. That’s why I know for a fact that 6 minutes of fake jacking off will not turn me into some sort of Men’s Health cover boy.

I also know this thing is complete nonsense because I’ve never seen an in-shape man using a jackhammer. Every summer during road construction times I see a million chubby shirtless men using jackhammers and that seems like more of an intense workout than this goddamn Shake Weight. Also, if this product was true, people who have seizures should be the most fit people in the entire world.

Technorati Tags: bullshit, shake weight

I tried hitting on some of these waitresses before and by hitting on them I mean I would try to make eye contact. Then they would smile and I would think “oh, she’s in love with me and she wants to have at least 3 million of my babies. That’s when I would usually freak out thinking that 3 million is way too many babies and I don’t know if I could deal with that kind of commitment, or amount of doctor’s bills.

One night, however, I started hitting it off with a waitress real nice. She was wearing an orange-ish  colored sweater and since I didn’t know her name I that’s exactly what I called her, “orange-ish”. I realize waitresses are paid to be nice to you, but I swear this was a different. I was even coming up with great lines like “I’ll take another one of these, but this time try to give me my money’s worth. The last one was at least 90% foam.” She laughed and we made out in my mind before falling in love forever.

You see, before I even thought about asking her out, I was golden. I could have made her run away with me at any time. Then reality started to set in when a friend of mine looks at me and says “get those goddamn cartoon hearts out of your eyes and just ask for her number.” Now, I had never approached a random girl I didn’t really know and ask her out before. Plus she was a waitress, which puts in place a whole new dynamic. I don’t want to just be another creepy customer and if it goes terribly I know I’ll never be able to go to that coffee shop again. Far too much pressure for my stupid head to handle.

So I tried to pull from all these articles and websites I’ve read about picking up women. The first thing that came to mind was to just walk up to her and say “I have a quick question” and when she says “sure” I would say “are you single?” I don’t exactly know what the point to doing that was, but I did it anyways. She said “yes” and I about passed out because I realized I would have to keep faking confidence and awkwardly fumbling over words for at least a couple more minutes.

I also remembered reading about how you should ask for her email address instead of her phone number for some reason. This is where it gets real embarrassing. Before I could ask for her email address she offered her phone number number to me. Instead of just saying “kthxbye” before sprinting out the door, number in hand, I say “oh, just give me your email address”. What. An. Idiot. I realized what I had done almost immediately and already decided that I would never email nor talk to this girl ever again.

After I got home and before I cried myself to sleep I figured I would do what I do best and that is stalk research her further. So I got on Facebook and when I found her I let out a deep sigh of relief. Her profile picture was her at what looked to be a party with a red plastic cup in her hand and her arms around what seemed to be two college football players. I took solace in the fact that I had just dodged the bullet of getting several different STDs, violent threats from other men and a black baby that she would try to convince me is mine.

Technorati Tags: coffee shop, hot waitress, idiot man, picking up chicks

I also really wanted to grow up to be Colt from the original 3 Ninjas movie… Until I realized that we were the same age and that’s when I started hating myself. Before I got to that depressing realization, though, I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes so I could start preparing for my career as an ass kicker. What else was going to pay my bills when I grew up? Making forts out of leaves or snow? Of course not, what would I do with the other half of my year? Rain and sun forts aren’t big ticket items, in fact, they don’t even exist.

I’ve said this a million times before, but I was a really shy little kid, so the idea of being in a room surrounded by grunting men standing in awkward positions and thrusting their fists wasn’t exactly my idea of a good time. I pushed through it, though, so I could eventually learn enough moves so I could grunt in a room by myself. Before I knew it I was in the mix, punching, kicking, doing somersaults, you know, manly stuff. I had perfect form while fighting air.

Eventually I got to the point where I was allowed to “spar” other people, which is basically fight dancing. You could do elaborate moves and stuff, but you weren’t really allowed to make full contact… Or so I thought. One night I was forced to spar one of these old men who takes their hobby far too seriously. He had to have been in his 50′s and I was 12. This mother fucker was making nearly full contact and kicking my ass. Looking back I think he was a pedophile and this was the only way he could touch little boys without getting arrested.

So that whole experience took me down a notch. From there it was just a downward spiral of my dreams. A few weeks later I failed to break a board with my hands in front of everyone. I had to use my feet, like a “pussy fag”. Yes, someone actually called me that. I thought it was an insult at the time, but looking back I think that just means that I’m straight. Then a few weeks after that I broke my toe while fighting a goddamn punching bag. My head just wasn’t in it anymore and I was forced to retire after getting all the way to my brown belt (that’s one under black, ladies).

From there my ninja obsession dwindled, which is a shame because I was getting very close to being ninja-like. Or, I was very close to being the asshole you see on the news who owns a samurai sword and then uses it to chop his neighbor’s head off because his dog shit on my lawn. Looking back, it was a gamble I should have taken.

Technorati Tags: 3 ninjas, ninja, ninja turtles

Is it worth it to try and keep a friendship that is only kinda half of one? Meaning that they don’t talk when other people/person is around and when they do its nothing but problems, and that person just becomes in a bad mood. Also want to note that they are the one pushing the friendship.

The small amount of persons who took my current poll on the sidebar indicates that most people don’t submit advice questions because I’m an asshole. I’d like to try and tone back the asshole inside of me because, let’s face it, I don’t lead that exciting of a life to have constant content so I really need these questions sent in.

First of all, if your friend is a hot girl then she is exactly my type. Since I’m extremely anti-social and she also seems anti-social then I would imagine our relationship would consist of her staying inside all the time and being some sort of hybrid between a bang maid and a bang cook. Plus, as long as I don’t get  any FedEx packages shipped to our apartment I really don’t have to worry about her swinging around on a bunch of strange, gross dicks.

Perhaps your friend just doesn’t like your other friends or she’s weirdly jealous of how much time you spend with them. You could still do things with your friend, if you still like her, that doesn’t consist of being around a bunch of ridiculous strangers. Some people just don’t like big, group outings and that’s perfectly fine. If you absolutely must be around other friends all the time then just start feeding your bitch friend booze and foreign pills to calm her down a little bit. Plus, in that drugged state she could be easily taken advantage of, which is also perfect because it seems like she needs a good, or even mediocre, bang.

With all that being said, there’s also a good chance that your friend is just a complete insane asylum. If that’s the case, then it’s really not hard to end a friendship. The first thing you could do is stop answering her fucking calls. If the person is as volatile as they seem then they’ll get pissed and yell at you, then you could bring up all the things that bother you about them in the form of insults. Really use as many insults as you can and you should also throw in some threats of physical violence for good measure.

Need advice for some situation that’s happening in your life? Send in your question and I will gladly help you out in blog post format. Don’t worry, all your information is completely confidential and I will never post your name.

Technorati Tags: advice, ending friendship

I’ll be honest, after the first two minutes of the pilot episode I about shut it off. A man in his underwear driving recklessly through the desert in an RV with a gas mask on just wasn’t my style. I figured I was in for another “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” situation where I was supposed to be watching the best thing ever, but remained severely annoyed through the entire thing. “OMG they’re on drugs, isn’t this amazing?” No.

I’m glad I stuck around though, because what happened after that completely caught my attention and I became quickly addicted. If you aren’t aware, Breaking Bad is about a man who’s a chemistry teacher who finds out he has lung cancer so he starts cooking crystal meth so he can leave his family with fortunes. The geeky, always introverted, teacher starts “breaking bad”.

There are two things this show consistently makes me feel while watching it. First and foremost it makes me want to be a drug dealer/distributor. I know every situation the main characters get into on the shows turns sour and they’re constantly fearing for their lives, but there’s still something so bad ass about it. The next thing the show makes me feel, up until the last season anyways, is that I’m developing cancer. Watching the teacher, Walter, coughing up body parts, passing out and then getting chemotherapy instantly makes me paranoid that I’m also dying.

Another thing that confuses me about this show is how people can think Skyler, Walter’s wife,  is hot. I read everywhere about how since she had the baby on the show she’s gotten amazing looking. Apparently guys are really into the whorey, bitch-face thing these days. Take notes, ladies. I, on the other hand am constantly annoyed by her. Then again, I feel like every woman on every TV show is holding the show back. Women just seem to always be getting in the way on TV shows and it upsets me. I’m not talking about wanting shows with only gay dudes or something. Women can have their small parts, but in no way should they have any plot line revolve around them.

Even with my few small complaints, this is now my most favorite show ever. Basically, if you haven’t seen this show we can never be friends and I will never come to your birthday party. I don’t care what kind of cake you have, I’m not coming. Also, if I ask if you’ve seen the show and you haven’t you’re getting an instant punch in the face. That’s how strongly I feel about this being the best show on television.

Technorati Tags: Breaking Bad