If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m pretty indifferent towards the holidays. When I was a kid I loved them and from the time I graduated high school up until this year I despised them. These days, however, I just don’t really care. Sure, it’s nice to see family and if there aren’t to many cousins involved I usually have a good time. What’s holding me back from actually enjoying these holidays? I don’t know, probably my ever increasing desire to make every situation as awkward as possible.

The gift giving situation alone is enough for me to never fully enjoy a holiday like Christmas. I’ve never given or received a gift that didn’t contain some level of awkwardness. Sure, the gifts I get are usually good, but I feel so much pressure to get excited. I always half expect the giver to want me to do a handstand while smiling just to show my appreciation. I’m a man, I don’t get upside-down excited about stuff unless it involves banging some hots or getting a dollar amount that means I’d never have to work again.

Giving gifts is even more stressful to me than receiving gifts. I could have this perfect idea for a gift inside my head for months and the idea remains perfect up until gift giving time. That’s generally when all these doubts come rushing in my braindome. These doubts come from two directions. One doubt is that they already have the item I’m gifting and I’ll be left with one of my least favorite errands of all times, returning an item. The other doubt comes from the fact that they might possibly hate the gift, which I’m sure a lot of people feel.

I realize this makes me sound insane and completely incapable of having fun, but I don’t care. Like I said, I don’t hate Christmas, I could really just go without some aspects of it. I’ll sit around a Christmas table with family all goddamn day, drink myself blind and be completely happy about it as long as gifts aren’t involved.

I know some of you ladies are concerned now with this new revelation. I hear the sound of some crushes on me being broken right now, so let me clear some things up. Don’t get me wrong,  Christmas with a girlfriend is terrible, especially if I have to get together with their stupid family of strangers, but the gift thing with a girlfriend is a little bit easier, so that may offset some of the awfulness. You see, with my parents we don’t get together and talk about things we want, so getting a gift for them is a complete shot in the dark. Girlfriends, on the other hand, you talk about that kind of stupid stuff, plus you’re probably spending more time with them. I could gift the shit out of a girlfriend, so fear not ladies, your crushes can remain intact.

Also, as much as I hate myself for doing this (even though I do it a lot), if you want to spread some of your sickening Christmas cheer with me, feel free. I’ll be honest, I’ve got a shit load of new bills and nonsense coming up and with my web hosting needing to be renewed in a few months I don’t know if I’ll be able to cut it. So, if you like this site and want it to stick around then either make me famous or send me donations. I’d really appreciate it along with all the people who promote me on their own websites and Twitter.

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Here’s yet another advice column for you people. I figure since I have no money the best way for me to give back to society is by saving lives through my kick ass advice. If you have a question you need answered or advice on anything in the world, send it in.

Josh,
I’ve been reading some of your entries, and noticed you’re accepting questions. I’m curios as to how a person is motivated when he/she is barely emotional. Are there any motivational techniques that remain permanently? I understand that a person’s motivation for anything could be caused by money, anger, fear, happiness, medicines (drugs) and more. However, I stopped feeling the need for any of the listed stuff; although, I understand that money is needed to live a decent life. I am eighteen years old; I attend school and go to work, daily. But, I could care less about my so called daily “responsibilities,” that seemed to be adopted by the majority of the people who are surrounding me everywhere I go. I think I’ve become a robot who performs repetitive tasks.

Also, I hope I don’t get a bullshit answer that includes the word God, we all know that’s some fictional crap.

The best thing that you could do is go to absurdlyawesome.com/donate and not only send me all the cash you have available, but also max out your credit cards sending me money. Then you should email me for my address and send me all of your expensive electronic equipment, car, basically whatever you have of value. Once you’re left with absolutely nothing except massive debt you’ll have to work up enough motivation to actually do something with your life or you’ll just end up a homeless bum giving blowjobs to closeted business men for a sandwich and a blanket.

If you’re not at all interested in doing that, then you’re an idiot, but I guess you could also do something like find the one thing you want more than anything in the world. Take, for instance, me. My overall goal is to amass enough money to hole up somewhere and never have to see another goddamn person for the rest of my life. If, perhaps, you want a hot babe of a girlfriend more than anything, then just realize that all girls are gold digging whores who aren’t good for anything besides being verbal punching bags, then get enough money to basically buy the woman you want.

I’ve been thinking about your situation for about a week now and these are the only two things I can come up with to help you. My advice is really so cutting edge that I’ll be surprised if anyone in the world thinks these are good ideas, but soon you’ll all realize the genius behind my ways. If after that you still think I’m insane then you could just go the traditional route and pray to the almighty God to give you the strength you need to get through these hard times. You see, God loves all of us so much that he gives us the choice to either follow him or be damned to suffer in Hell for all eternity. You should really be grateful for this choice and start following him now as he is the only one who can truly help you.

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A lot of people claim that spring is the season in which “love is in the air”, but I find that completely ridiculous. If there is one season where the most banging is going on, or at least the most desire to bang, it’s in the winter. What other season could you get snowed in with some hot babes? Also, winter just has this cold, dark and lonely feeling to it which you’re so desperate to get rid of that you’d probably drop your standards to an alarming and sometimes disgusting point. Needless to say, I’ve been expecting a sexy question like this for a few weeks now, even though it’s not officially winter yet you’ve got to start getting your banging ducks in a row.

I’m a married woman of a certain age (old enough to know better) and find myself in the awkward position of having a co-worker who is young enough to be my son, flirting with me and making suggestions by text which should send me running for cover but which in fact I am now seriously considering. We have met secretly once just for a drink but I know there is an offer on the table if I want to take it – I want to but don’t know if I should. The married bit isn’t a concern to me anymore (that’s a separate Ask Josh entirely) – my main concern is our ages and the fact that we work together.  This could all go so wrong and yet …

Should I take what may be my only offer or do you think he’s just calling my bluff and going to make a fool of me – and how would I even know? I know younger guys think of the older woman as some sort of challenge but I don’t want to just be a notch on the bed post. Nor the office slag for that matter. My biggest nightmare, aside from being seen naked, is being talked about behind my back and being seen as a desperate fool. WWJD?

This reminds me of similar situations that I’ve found myself in many times before. In my particular situations it never ended up working out, because I wasn’t desperate enough yet to get murdered by an angry husband just to rub around on a some common whore mom. Don’t worry though, had those situations came up now, where I’m at the peak of desperation, I’d be all up inside it.

Your main problem here seems to be confidence. You probably would have gone through with it already if you didn’t have such body issues. The thing you fail to realize is that some younger guys have cougar fetishes. We’re They’re not looking for “porn moms” who are 19 and freshly babied only because they couldn’t afford an abortion. They’re looking for the legitimate older lady, mediocre to terrible bodies and all. There’s something hot about bedding a broad who it’d be slightly embarrassing to bang if it ever got out. It can be a huge turn on… I hear.

I know what I just said doesn’t do a whole lot for your body confidence, but if you do end up letting this guy pound you, he most likely won’t tell anybody because of it. His reputation is on the line if it ever gets out, which is far more valuable than your failing marriage which probably won’t last very much longer anyways.

Plus, who just picks out a random older married lady to trick into almost banging them only to pull away at the last second and make fun of them? That guy would either have to be outrageously bored or my new hero. So, I say that you should go for it and if it is just an elaborate plan to embarrass you and ruin your life then tell this guy about my site so I can get him to write articles about his conquests of deceiving old marrieds. I don’t say this very often because I’m knowledgeable in all things, but I feel I could learn something from this bright young man.

Send in your own “Ask Josh” question right here!

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Since there’s some nonsense holiday coming up that I don’t really care about, I figured I’d use it as sort of an excuse not to do a regular blog post. Instead, I’m just going to ramble about stuff and then boss you around a little bit. Actually, I am going to jump into the Thanksgiving tradition a little bit and tell you what I’m thankful for.

I suppose the main thing I’m thankful for is that I don’t have a girlfriend this time of year. Holiday season girlfriends are the fucking pits, man. Not only do you have to go to your own family get-togethers where you only know about 5% of the people, but now you have to go to some strangers house where you’ll know even fewer. You just end up sitting there getting asked a million questions by these goddamn uncles about how big of a disappointment your life is. Plus it’s always an awkward position to be in when the entire family mentions that they “say grace” before their meal, which usually leads me to laugh out loud, then I realize that they were serious and nervous vomit all over the fruit salad.

Plus the whole family get together even by myself never really works out for me. It leads to a lot of awkward questions in my own head, like “am I picturing banging a hot cousin of mine, or a male cousins girlfriend right now?” It’s not really a positive situation for anybody to be in.

Like I mentioned earlier, this isn’t a normal blog post so I’m going to throw in some non-entertaining stuff now.

I have a few “Ask Josh” questions on the back-burner right now that will probably get answered next week. If I get more sent in over the next few days I’ll probably do all of them next week. There could be a lot of content here if people start sending stuff in.

I’m thinking about doing some humorous reviews on this site soon, so if you have anything from a product your selling to a favorite TV show or movie that you want to see me talk about use my contact form to get in touch with me.

As always, please help spread the word about this little site I’m doing here. Don’t just think someone else will tell people because let’s face it, they’re not. Twitter it, Facebook it, buy me billboards and full page advertisements in magazines, whatever you gotta do. The more people I have around here the more I’ll want to write stuff up and the more you’ll be able to laugh about what a big idiot I am.

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For the last few months I’ve gone through a major transformation in my life. If you told me years ago that I would be huge into zombies I probably would have belly laughed for hours while murdering you. Not that I was ever against the entire zombie culture, it just wasn’t something I had ever explored, or thought that I could get into. Perhaps that’s because the only movies I watched were romantic comedies either with women for the sole purpose of tricking them into having sex with me or by myself while crying deeply into and rubbing on a body pillow.

This whole zombie fascination started many months ago and for no particular reason. I think I was just tired of watching normal movies and needed a change. Plus, I was starting to watch shows about ghosts, which could very well have been my gateway to zombies. Either way, I decided to have a zombie movie month where I wouldn’t watch a film unless it had a zombie in it. Probably the greatest idea I’ve had in my life and that’s including the time I came up with the awesome phrase “if you’re fat and annoying at least bring treats”.

Before I knew it I was full blown zombie obsessed and not only just with the movies. I’m currently working through a book titled “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” and am obsessed with the video game series Left 4 Dead. Not to mention that I’ve had several dreams, in which I’m slaughtering zombie after zombie just trying to survive the outbreak. I’ve also been spending far too much time mentally preparing for a zombie outbreak. We should really be using these goddamn undeads to help wean people off of other, more serious addictions, like those of heroin or the addiction most women have for my approval.

Don’t get me wrong, my zombie-mania isn’t without its drawbacks. The main drawback thus far is that all of my friends and family (none of which are into zombies) think I’m completely insane. I’m also paranoid that people who have been into zombies for a long time will look down on me as some sort of poser for just getting into them recently. That problem isn’t helped by the fact that I watched probably 15 zombie movies over the span of one month and can’t readily pull titles or references to any of them with any sort of confidence. All that combined with the fact that my sex life has gone downhill because zombie movies aren’t tricking any girl into sleeping with me, none visually worth a bang anyways. Still, add up all those negatives and I still feel I come out on top with this new obsession and it doesn’t seem to be fading any time soon.

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I may be awesome at pretty much everything, but even someone with my caliber of awesomeness has problems sometimes. The biggest enemy I face on a regular basis is the insane amount of procrastination contained within or around my person. This laziness is really starting to be a problem for me in my personal life. I’m starting to get freak out scared that if I don’t start getting my shit together I may be in the exact same place 5 years from now. Unless my two biggest fantasies come to life (winning the lottery or a zombie takeover) I might actually have to put some effort into something, which is a goddamn frightening thing.

It seems like every day I go through the same thought process. I usually wake up motivated and ready to take on the world. Every morning I think to myself “I’m going to get so much stuff done today, it’s going to be sick”, but then I go to my job. If you haven’t noticed from reading my past blog posts, my job completely sucks the life energy out of me. It’s not that it’s a necessarily bad job, but staring at a computer screen all day doing mindless busy work isn’t exactly a great way to keep the creative juices flowing. As a matter of fact it sort of puts me in a trance that renders my brain useless for the rest of the day.

Even with all that being the case, I still reach a point every night that I cannot figure out how to overcome. Every single night I think “I should start my book idea, or develop a blog project I’ve been thinking about for a while, or at very least start looking for a job in a cool place like Seattle, Las Vegas or anywhere but fucking Iowa.” Then I get this great burst of energy for about 5 minutes. I open up my laptop, crack my mental knuckles and then end up getting caught in an endless loop of YouTube “related videos”.

This procrastination isn’t only affecting my possible productive times, but it’s also affecting my fun times. Any time I want to relax and play video games or watch a movie I can’t because my brain always yells at itself about how I should be productive instead. It’s completely insane, but for some reason my brain feels more productive clicking back and forth between Twitter and Gmail for three hours, as opposed to playing video games. It really has to be some sort of mental disorder at this point.

Some people think that I may have a severe fear of failure, but I find that completely ridiculous. If anything I’m afraid that if I succeed my awesomeness will grow to the point where it will be like a nuclear bomb that goes off and makes all humans extinct, except for me, and then I’ll just be lonesome. This very possible reality keeps me up at nights. As a matter of fact, every human on the planet owes me for not making something of myself. You’re all goddamn lucky I fail or you’d all be dead.

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Hey guys, what’s up? Just wanted to let you all know that I’m extremely depressed right now. Why am I depressed? Well, we just went through daylight savings time and not one person reminded me to switch my clocks back an hour. I really don’t see the point in living anymore, to be honest. Usually, the entire week preceding daylight savings time I get reminded by 15 people per day and it sure as hell is the only topic amongst the old ladies in the break room. This time, however, not even one person hinted at it. Don’t worry, I didn’t miss an appointment or anything and I realized it right when I woke up when I saw half of my clocks were fucked up, but still, the way it went down makes me question everything about life.

Here’s another person who’s depressed, probably not by daylight savings time:

I’m constantly in a morbidly depressed state of being. What can I do to change the way I look at life in general?

Man, I feel your pain. I too have had dark thoughts, and not just dealing with the whole daylight savings situation. My morbid depression hits me every time I see a sexy lady and mentally talk myself out of hitting on her with my usual “eh, she’s probably a whore” excuse. But don’t think for one minute that I’m taking your problem lightly. Depression is a very serious thing.

I find the best thing to combat depression is to find the positives in your life and try to slowly build up positive momentum. Also, if possible, surround yourself with little puppies and kittens. Pack your house with them so you can barely even walk in it. Sure, you’ll probably step on a few, accidentally murdering them, but after the shriek of puppy death you’ll instantly be cheered up because you’ll see three of them snuggling in the corner against a stuffed teddy bear that’s wearing a little top hat and a monocle.

I guess you could always go the pill route, but I don’t think that’s really a good idea. It seems like taking pills for depression only makes you not be able to feel anything. Before you know it, you’ll be rebelling against your parents who put you on the drug until the day you stand up to them and say “I don’t care what you say, I’d rather feel nothing but pain for the rest of my life than feel nothing at all”… Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from all the made for TV movies that I use as masturbatory warm up.

If neither of those techniques seem to work out you could always find solace in the fact that if you’re a cute girl I will probably bang you. That should be enough to give you a lifetime of happiness right there. Hell, even if you’re average or ugly looking, but are rich, I’ll definitely still bang you. Plus, if that’s the case then you’ll even get the added bonus of me instantly marrying you for your riches. Let’s face it though, if you’re insanely rich you’re probably not depressed because money is really the one, true happiness maker.

Desperately need some advice like this depressed individual? Email me your problem and I’ll talk about it right here on the site!

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I’m not one for creating holiday specific posts, but this one time I’m going to make an exception. Since it’s close to Halloween time I figured I would post something that should scare the hell out of you. Shauna Sand is the next “celebrity” to come out with her own sex tape. Don’t know who Shauna Sand is? Yeah, me neither, so read on.

Shauna Sand, cougar extraordinaire and ex of Lorenzo Lamas, is the latest and, arguably, the oldest celeb to star in her own commercially released sex tape. The self-proclaimed 38-year-old (clears throat), a mother of three, would not be outdone by onetime adult stars Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. She will have her X-rated coming out via Shauna Sand Exposed, a DVD getting released by leading porn maker Vivid on Wednesday, the company announced today. (LA Weekly)

Sure, she’s an ex-Playboy model, so how scary could it be? Oh yeah, she looks like she was built by some nerd scientist in an effort to make a female sex robot version of Howard the duck, mixed with a hint of zombie.

I know what you’re saying, “but, being a Playboy model, she’s got to at least have a great body, right?” I saw the trailer for this disaster and can’t seem to make up my mind about her body. In some shots her implants look they they’re diseased watermelons that fell off the back of a truck and in others they look perfectly fine. It’s quite the dilemma my penis has to deal with. It’s a good thing he usually shies away from implants, because they often cause too much confusion. He’s been burned one to many times by unmarked tranny porn.

Also, while watching the trailer I couldn’t help but notice how well shot the whole thing was. Unless she was banging an actual pornographer, there is no way that this wasn’t purposely created to give her exposure and “boost her career”, which up to this point has been Playboy and some incredibly terrible movies that nobody has ever fucking heard of. Instead of overdosing, like a good, fake whore, she’ll probably be on televisions across America in a matter of months.

Maybe I’m just jealous because this sex tape will almost certainly land her a reality show, which she’ll get paid millions to do. It’ll turn out just like the Kardashian situation, except extremely more terrifying. At least I would actually bang Kardashian, though. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t be enjoyable at all. Hell, it’d probably be like trying to bang a rocket launcher wound, with all the black dudes she’s been with, but I still think it would be more respectable than flailing around with a half melted Barbie doll, like Sand.

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When I was a kid I got forced into some situations where I couldn’t help but come out as the bad guy. I was a shy, nervous little kid, so I guess I was an easy target for the truly bad kids to shove all the blame onto. There are a few particular situations that come to mind where I seemed to be going down a scary path that could land me in prison or being rich, living in a mansion and banging models my whole life.

The first situation that comes to mind started out innocent enough. I was talking to my mom and her friend about something involving letters. I don’t recall what the what it was about so this is completely out of context, but the conversation ended with me saying something like “well, why don’t you just use F, U, Z, K”. Well, my mom and her friend automatically thought I said “C” instead of “Z” so I got insta-grounded for two goddamn weeks.

Getting grounded when I was a kid was never really a big deal to me. There was only one kid my age that lived on my street that I would hang out with, but I really hated him deep down. So me getting grounded actually gave me an excuse to not hang out with someone I didn’t really want to hang out with in the first place. I’d much rather hide in my room and act like there’s a monster in our house every time my mom put shoes in the dryer.

This next situation involves something that I swear I didn’t say, but once you read it you’ll think “oh, that’s classic Josh”. When I was in 5th and 6th grade I rode the bus to school every day. Something about school buses always makes kids act like big idiots and trouble makers. It was also the first time I realized I’m smarter than everybody else when I told a kid he “smelled like hot garbage” and his best rebuttal was “yeah, well you smell like 1,000 skunks”.  I knew right then that I was a step ahead of everyone else at my age in the insult department.

Well, apparently I wasn’t the only one who was advanced, because another kid on my bus brought something special for us to peruse one day on our way to school. This kid stole a huge stack of Playboys out of his parents attic and brought them on the bus. It was a really fun time and quite a learning experience. The closest thing to Playboy I had seen up to that point was when I used to watch Silk Stalkings and rub against my mattress.

It was a really good time, until the day after. When I came home from school the next day my mom was irate. She started yelling at me about some parent who called her, upset, because I harassed their child on the bus. This goddamn little bitch girl told her parents that she looked over the bus seat at me while I was taking mental boob pictures and said “eww”. Then she told her parents that I told her that “this is what a real woman looks like”.

Sure, it sounds like something I would say, but I have no recollection of this happening and I mentally catalog all of my best “zings”. Plus, if I had said that I would be a millionaire comedian right now and not writing a goddamn blog that 5 people read.

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Every once in a while I like to watch these little video clips on the internet that some people like to call “porn”. Now, I’m not watching these videos for any sexual pleasure, as a matter of fact, I find them disgusting. However, I do watch these videos almost daily as sort of an experiment to sort of test myself to see if I’m a sinner. I also enjoy reading the comments of these videos for some good, old recreational fun.

In my latest porn excursion, I stumbled across a tempting little video that had hundreds of comments, and me being the comedic genius that I am found something that I could not pass up telling you people about. The video itself was straight forward. It was of an extremely attractive young girl who took off her shirt for the camera. Simple, and extremely jerk test worthy. So after my “test” I decided to scroll through the comments to see if I could find some over the top ridiculousness. This is what I found:

You are quite lovely indeed. And playful .. I can tell ‘you’re’ not a BITCH. Unlike my ex. Now she’s a fuckn BITCH! As in mean! You’re sweet .. and playful … and don’t take life too serious. Good stuff. Donn’t lose your innocense. Or your good nature. Grotos to a fine young gal whom all the other gals should emultate.

Wow, and I thought I was a creep. This guy must be out of his goddamn mind on hash, or something, because this comment is all over the fucking place. First of all, he extremely over-explains how his ex-girlfriend is a bitch. “You’re not a bitch, unlike my ex… Get it? Because she’s a bitch! You know, a bitch as in mean, just so we’re on the same page”. This idiot asshole, probably had a nice girlfriend, but she didn’t want to give him a blow job on web-cam so in his drunken stupor he threw her around a bit and started calling her a bitch. Then his girlfriend probably called the cops and had him arrested which would make her a double bitch in his mind. That’s the only possible explanation for the bitch calling overkill.

Next, this complete lunatic tells the webcam stripper girl to not lose her “innocense”, whatever that is. She posted a video of her boobs on a pornographic website! I’m pretty sure her innocence is completely destroyed. In fact, I’m pretty sure her uncle took it away from her when she was 6 years old that time they played the “Santa game” and asked her to help him find his North Pole.

If her innocence wasn’t completely destroyed already, I’m pretty sure hundreds of comments by complete creeps saying “omg hunni, i wunna fuk u so hard” or “i blew teh biggst lode 2 dis” probably took care of it. Just a guess.

Not only that, but all girls in the entire world should emulate this boob shower? Yeah, that’s a great idea. That’s exactly what I need, more videos of dumpy, disgusting broads that I have to sift through every time I want to take a “test”. It already takes me 15 minutes longer than it should already, with the amount of slop that’s out there. I think we desperately need someone to sort through and delete all the garbage videos that nobody would watch anyways, unless they were bulimic and needed a little help. I, for one, would apply for that job.

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