ACA4Me2

Done purposely

2011-05-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

When I came home yesterday afternoon, there was a stick on the ground which I moved to the line. When I came out this morning, the stick was behind my back tire! I don't know why, but I checked around the car for some reason. I think I'll be doing that everyday. Someone put it there on purpose and if I had run over it, my tire may have flattened. Thank you, God.

Onto Step Three

2011-04-25T20:09:00.000-04:00

I just finished my Al-Anon 2nd Step. It didn't take me long to finish this one once I finished Step one. It may seem like I rushing through them but I am getting something out of answering the questions. Coming to believe was easy for me since I already had a Higher Power (God) before I started in recovery. The questions on my sanity or lack thereof, took a little more thinking on my part. I remember being young and thinking I was "crazy." Partly because of the chaos that was going and partly because of the way people responded or perceived me. Even now, I have trouble with "reality" and what's really going on. Next up, Step three, where I decide to turn everything over to God.

My foray into work

2011-04-06T21:41:00.000-04:00

I got a job! I quit my job! It was a temp assignment at a company I previously worked for. I had even applied directly there in my desperation for a job. I was very, very, anxious going there on Tuesday night and as I sat down for training, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I felt the exact same way the night of my wedding (but that's better left for another post.)

I walked into their second job site and felt the vibes of dis-ease in that place. Nothing had changed in the three years I've been away. I was having serious panic attacks and sleeplessness over being there. I'm glad I decided not to stay, though. At this stage of my life, I probably would have had a stroke in the middle of the work day.

The last seven of my 14 traits of being an ACA

2011-04-02T18:53:00.000-04:00

8. We become addicted to excitement. I'm not too sure I'm addicted to excitement as that when excitement does happen, I get so overwhelmed by it, that I get caught up in what's happening and cannot control what's going on and that leads to a lot of anxiety.
9. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can `pity" and "rescue". I can say I was like this but that would be a bit of a fib. I can still confuse love and pity but now I recognize when I'm headed in that direction and refrain from becoming codependent.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial). I had no feelings. At least I didn't think I had any feelings. I remember, about 25 years ago, someone saying that I had no personality. I know now that my expression-less living was what she meant (I forgive her ignorance.) Now, I try to hone in on what I'm feeling at every moment. I also realize that I can have different feelings at different times and that's okay.
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. Yes, yes, yes! Even now, I can judge myself especially during my time of unemployment. What I'm learning is that God has the finally say and perhaps my current status is His will for me at this time.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. I'm not like this anymore. After being single for such a long time, I've come to realize that I can be this way and not fall apart. When I am in another relationship, I no longer have to fear being abandoned because I know I can be on my own and survive.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink. I believe this is so for me. The further I go in my recovery, the more I recognize these dysfunctional behaviors within myself. This enables me to come out of denial and face my faults and work to correct them.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. I can react to situations but am learning to pause to prepare myself, my thoughts, and my mouth so the situation does not get out of hand before I know what happened.

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Birth-day

2011-04-02T18:14:00.001-04:00

Today's my birthday. It's also the anniversary of me losing my Mom. Since she was 1/2 of my qualifier team but was sober 10 years before she died. It's been 11 years and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to (I'm not crying non-stop anymore), I still feel a twinge of sadness and regret that I didn't have more time with her, especially during my season of recovery.

I can recover from the effects of alcoholism along with the regret I feel every now and then over having to do it without my parents.

I had plans for today and they did not include me sitting in my house, alone. Perhaps old habits die hard. I have a choice of places to be, but those old feelings of rejection come up on today. I don't want to "should" on myself but maybe I should have gone to at least one of those events if for no other reason, then to be with other people. Maybe it's the attention I'm afraid of, I don't know.

I'm an alanonic, too

2011-03-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

I started attending Al-anon face-to-face meetings a few weeks ago and came to realize that I am also an alanonic, also. I'm not too sure I like that word as it conjures up out of their head, alley dwellers. I like thinking of myself as a person who goes to al-anon meetings to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home. I'm still an ACA so I won't need to change the title of this blog. That's a good thing because I had a hard time coming up with this wonderful stand-out title.

Working with my tools

2011-01-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

As I was formatting this week's topic for discussion, I thought that it would be really cool if I could say that I was working a total program of recovery and that I was doing every single one on these nine tools. I, however, cannot say that. I went through the list and notated was I was and was not doing. I also indicated what would need to be changed about what I was or was not doing, if anything.

This week's meeting is Moderator's choice and will focus on the Tools of ACA Recovery taken from the ACA conference approved pamphlet ACA Is...:

   1. We go to meetings, and call program people to discuss recovery issues. Other than the Yahoo groups, I have not going to meetings because the ones I was going too proved too triggering for me and my blood pressure. To remedy this, I am in the process of starting a brand new meeting in my city, since there are none.
   2. We read ACA literature and learn about the experiences of others while gaining clarity on our own experiences. I do read ACA literature and the BRB, but not enough. I need to spend a specific amount of time each day in that book, even when hard things come up.
   3. We define & enforce our boundaries. I started defining my boundaries by not answering the phone when I was not prepared to talk for a while; limit email contact; and not engaging in the drama of others. I'd rather be thought as mean and off-putting, then to continue to risk my health on dysfunction which has nothing to do with me. This I will continue.
   4. We work & use the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions. I'm doing this and need to continue.
   5. We identify the people, places and things that are healthy and useful to our lives today, and discard those that are not. This is the one I've been working on the longest. As a loner, I want people to like me and want to be with me. In the past, I would have accepted people no matter how they presented themselves nor their motives in wanting to be with me. Today, I can walk away from the dysfunction of those who wish to stay in their sickness especially after I give them the advice they request in order to help them.
   6. We reconnect with our Inner Child or True Self. I'm working on this by learning to take care of myself by being a good parent. Still a work in progress.
   7. We work with a sponsor & build support networks. I had a fellow-traveler sponsor but she got a new job and became too busy so I think I'm alone again. I'll continue my search for someone else.
   8. We attend meetings that focus on issues upon which we need to work. Working on it for ACA but I do attend Al-anon & CoDA meetings also.
   9. We give service in ACA. I give service by working with the WSO. My goal is to do more outreach withing H&I with the message of ACA.

Seven of my 14 traits of being an ACA

2010-12-05T19:03:00.000-05:00

There are 14-traits of ACA's and sadly I identified with every single one of them and depending on the kind of day I'm having, I can fall back into some that I thought I had a handle on. When I first read them I was blown away by how many of theme resonated with me. I kept saying "that's me!" I restated Tony A.'s steps (The Laundry List: The ACoA Experience by Tony A. with Dan F.) to personalize them. Here are seven of the traits and how I can identify with them:

I became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. I always thought of myself as someone who was comfortable with authority figures. After working at II for 11 years, I didn't see myself as someone who was afraid to approach anyone in authority over me. I had come a long way from the timid little girl who couldn't even speak to her Father because she didn't see him often enough to not be afraid of him. However, I still find myself somewhat apprehensive about being called out if I make a mistake. I'm okay if I find the mistake, but not if someone else does. Even if someone contacts me via email, I'll think I did something wrong before I even had a chance to read what it said. Where did that come from? I'm not sure. I think my being a perfectionist has blinded me toward the fact that others may not see me the same way, even when I make mistakes. Or perhaps my fear is associated with other traits I identify with.

I became an approval seeker and lost my identity in the process. Yes, indeed, this is a big one for me. I want everyone to like me, despite my thinking that I shouldn't care what others think of me, when I encounter disapproval, it still hurts me. In fact, it does more than hurt me, it rips me to shreds. Although it does, I'm at the age where I'm beginning to like (tolerate) who I am and don't want to lose my identity such as it is. I'm in the process of creating a new and better identity now.

I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. People who are angry with me and choose to show it by personally criticizing me, trigger me badly. People like this can send me on a tailspin straight down to "not-good-enough land" faster than anything else. If been getting criticized a lot lately because of my efforts to do 12th step work and it has not been pretty for me. I could not understand “why” I was being treated this way when all I wanted to do was help.

I either become an alcoholic, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill my sick abandonment needs. I found a drug addict who loved his friends more than me. He preferred to be with them than with me. For a while I thought it was only his friends but with his friends came the drugs. I compromised for his love yet still lost it. I know better now.

I live life from the viewpoint of a victim and am attracted by that weakness in my love and friendship relationships. See the previous trait for insight on this one. I felt sorry for my ex-husband. It was years later that I realized that I had manipulated him into a life I thought we both would be happy with. The only problem was that in doing so, I made us both miserable.

I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others rather than myself. This enables me not to look too closely at my own faults. Ah, co-dependency at its worse. Even now I sometimes find myself thinking on how to change M, when he's almost an adult. He needs to decide for himself what he's going to do with his life. I can prod him, guide him, and remind him that time is ticking but I cannot tell him what to do.

I get guilt feelings when I stand up for myself instead of giving in to others. Yes, I still get these guilt feelings, but the more I do it, the less guilty I feel. The only issue I'm facing is the rejection I'm experiencing because of standing up for myself. What I am coming to realize is the rejection I'm experiencing is not because of standing up for myself so much as it is what is being triggered in the other person, which I am not responsible for.

Congratulate me, I'm an ACA

2010-11-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

I'm an ACA. This may be news to some but I found this out on September 11, 2009 when my dear friend, D, gave me a copy of The ACA Big Red Book. I'm knew that I was an adult child who was raised by alcoholic parents, I just didn't know that there was a name for it nor that there was a recovery program I needed to be in. I did not know about the Laundry List traits The Laundry List: The Acoa (Adult Children of Alcoholics Experience) but when I read them, I knew I needed help to overcome them.

There are 14-traits of ACA's and sadly I identified with every single one of them and depending on the kind of day I'm having, I can fall back into some that I thought I had a handle on. When I first read them I was blown away by how many of theme resonated with me. I kept saying "that's me!" I restated Tony A.'s list to personalize them.

In my next post, I will begin discussion of them and how I'm managing them right now.