My Slate piece is now on-line.

I would like to apologize profusely to Johnny Weir for my casual and wrong comment on his identity which I had read somewhere, but not double-checked. He is a wonderful human being, his communication with our children was perfect, compassionate, affirming. I am ashamed to have made any presumptions about him.

Also I confess to being taken aback at some of the comments, even though some raise valid points. The editorial process shifted the focus of the piece slightly, and the title is off-putting, though perhaps more news-worthy. My use of pronoun reflects the confusion and day-to-day reality of parents struggling with a changing growing child, and a changing growing awareness of that child’s identity.

I am most upset that my own relationship to the word ‘normal’ is so enraging . I have used the word normal to mean “like 90% of the population.” The notion that normal is good, that people want to be normal, is foreign to me, but then, as a white-het-male, if I reject that privilege, I also can’t empathize with what it would be like to be forever denied it.

Great people, artists, writers, activists, persecuted minorities, in my mind, have always been more than normal and I have aspired to be with them; separate and by virtue of that struggle, somewhat superior to the great normative mass of humanity. I know this view is in itself romantic and in its own way, patronizing.

But it is how I feel, and it is where that language comes from.

I want to thank everyone for all their wonderful and moving and inspiring comments over the last few years, and I want to apologize to them for taking the few negative comments so to heart. It’s another flaw in my nature I struggle with, as I struggle with my Bipolar difference, and other things.

Read the piece in the spirit it was intended, if you can. I have to take responsibility for the edit that has gone to print. I did my best.

p.s. I am no longer going to use the word normal in the context of gender; I’ll use CID-tendered. normal is scientifically accurate and culturally unusable. I was in part attempting to capture the parent’s experience of leaving the world of the 90-99 percent majority using a word that that majority understood.

glbtq is natural; natural can be seen as normal, even when rare.

My piece in Slate about this year’s Camp I Am for gender non-conforming kids and their families has been submitted; don’t know when it will appear, but I’ll post and tweet about it when it’s on-line. It was a great weekend. Oscar was great in the fashion and talent shows. The zip-line experience was wild. The families were all great.

Silly Bands. All the rage amongst the Tweens.

Eleven. The two little femme children at our bus stop look decided different from each other now; one is already showing substantial curves, bra straps peeking out around the edges of her tank top shoulder straps; my child, now taller though a full year younger, is all angles, sharp lines, harder jaw, bony chest, skinny legs, dirtier hair, holes in the knees of all his pants. His skirts don’t have the holes of course, though the tights under them sometimes do.

Born a boy, and a boy he will stay, for now. Either pronoun is fine, actually.

He still passes, but for how much longer? I haven’t noticed any double-takes, any dirty looks. He’s going into seventh grade; highschool year after next. Our high-school has a strong GSA, and a good community of GLB parents and a lot of kids out of the closet. But.

You try to imagine it, being your kid, and in the end, you can’t really. Cellphones, internet, cartoons on tap, youtube, x-box, handheld computers, global warming, BP spill, amber alerts, school shootings, Jack Bauer, Lady Ga Ga, Obama and Limbaugh, Lindsey and Britney gone commando.

The world you lived in, the insults we most feared, faggot, queer—Queer! Rehabilitated!— these words must lack the sting they once did. Mustn’t they? After Ellen and Will and Grace,  as we  await the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Gay marriage in MA, civil unions and partner benefits…

But we know that violence against gays is up, not down (though maybe this is a reporting artifact.) we know the suicides still happen, even in supportive families, we know the fight if far from finished. The little boy girl, whose parents were really to blame, will soon be an adult, and to the homophobes and haters that means, he’s fair game.

So I’m enjoying the end of this. Oscar’s little brother has lost interest in outing him to random strangers. (I think he just liked the confused look on their faces) But his body is going to start outing him, any day now.

Doing the laundry, folding his skirts and putting them in his drawer.

I no longer flinch when thinking about the future. The past is a memory; the future a dream. The present is good.

We’re here now.

Happy father’s day, to all fathers who get it, and to all father’s who don’t, and to all fathers who struggle to accept, and to all fathers who become women, to all gay fathers, to all straight fathers.

Any father who would like to contact me, seek support, cry on my shoulder, scream at someone about the unfairness of the universe, email me.

To all children who have lost father’s, my fatherly love. Find your families, biological or no, and love them.

Best wishes

Bedford Hope

Warm and breezy again, Oscar just picked out a new skirt at Target, which he is wearing with a new, beloved, Orange Crush t-shirt. The skirt has purple flowers on it, and he is wearing it with neon pink leggings I bought him at Claire’s.

I say, in my best Tim Gun voice, “I think we may have a taste issue here.”

Oscar laughs. “Dad, you haven’t got a clue.”

Oscar is now as tall as his mother. His face is getting longer, and changing, as puberty approaches; the elfin nose is no longer elfin. He has developed a degree of body modesty which is unusual in the family, but nothing anyone outside it would think twice about. He doesn’t look like a girl at all to me anymore, but, well, sometimes he does, but only when he wants to. To the outside world of course the girl cues are so strong; the hair, the clothes; the colors; that he is never taken as male.

But he has a hockey jersey now he loves, and without make-up (we don’t allow it at this age) or jewelry…sometimes, he seems to me like Just a Boy with Long Hair. Sometimes, I think, that’s what he in fact, is.

He’s got friends who are boys; and friends who are girls. With the boys, it’s all about the pokemon, the shared franchise of the moment. With the girls, it’s girl stuff, and you wouldn’t mistake him for male when he’s with them. They laugh uncontrollably at things that we, as adults, will never again understand. All well and good.

The mom of a classmate told us, that her girl comes home with stories, of Oscar’s witty comebacks to the taunts he sometimes gets, which he never, ever mentions.

He has people on his side, and some who aren’t.

When he gets off the bus he is always happy. It was the best day. It was the worst day, ever—but it’s over now. He’s glad to be home with me.

But he’s met a boy down the street, and for the first time, will scooter over by himself. The playdate without cars! We have to call to make him come home for dinner.

He’s 11, and a young 11 at that. He curls up with me, hugs me in front is his friends, swears like a sailor, and wants me to read to him at night, and I still do.

Childhood, the raw, primary colored stuff of pure selfish innocence, winnows away.

I’m glad I could l be here for him and his brother.

And I thank the universe that life has been kind to Oscar, and to us. Despite the fact that quite frankly, we’re weird as all get out.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PS: This letter is merely a starting point for reading which should encompass the sidebar links at this site and others. I am not a professional therapist or advocate, just a parent with a GV Kid.

From LGBTQ Nation:

Derrick Martin (left) and boyfriend/prom date Richard Goodman

A Georgia teen has been kicked-out of his family’s home after going public on his plans to attend his high school prom with his boyfriend.

In the town of Cochran, GA, 18 year-old Derrick Martin won the approval of his school to take his boyfriend to next month’s prom, and has since received an outpouring of support and some criticism, even at home, for going public.

Martin said his parents have kicked him out of the family home due to all the media attention.

“My parents did kick me out,” Martin told LGBTQ Nation on Wednesday night.

“They never supported my lifestyle, and with all of this attention they thought it best for us to separate, so they told me to leave. It’s OK though. It’s their house. It was mainly because I went public.”

In Derrick’s apology for his parent’s behavior we see the unconditional love of a child for his parents. In his parent’s rejection we see fear. The article doesn’t let us know if the parents are afraid for their son, or of their son— or both.

This is where things get complicated; homophobia is real. Being out carries with it a degree of danger. Parents are supposed to protect their kids from danger. And, while you might think that increasing public support for GLTBQ might result in less gay bashing, FBI statistics say the opposite.

From Huffington Post:

Crimes against gay, lesbian, and transgendered people are significantly underreported, but from FBI statistics we know them to be on the rise, at least 24% since 2005, and yet they are the only hate crimes excluded from federal and many state statues, making proper investigation and prosecution difficult, if not impossible.

We can see how the fear starts, as fear for our children, fear at what the world might do to them for being different; but we have only to look to the recent past, to the shuttered lives, the self-loathing, of the generations preceding Stonewall to see the price paid for cultural invisibility.

But when we project that fear, take it into our hearts, project it into our children, we do them, and the world a disservice.

And so sometimes, it is left to the kids themselves to be the courageous ones. Sometimes foolishly so, in the glow of adolescent immortality. And sometimes they will be struck down.

To the conservative, who thinks they are protecting their children by surpressing their children’s expression and identity, I can only say, freedom isn’t free. If your kids are willing to pay the price, you have to let them, as you would let your children enlist to fight a foreign enemy. And accept that you may one day mourn.

And to all those who come out, who put their bodies on the line, who risk the love of family, church, community, I say, I salute you. I celebrate you. I love you. You are now my people, even though I’m a dull as dishwater heteronormative.

Because the Q in GLBTQ can mean questioning. We question the wisdom of a status quo built on ancient fear, ignorance, and hate.

And we are all GBLTQ now.

A Mississippi high-school’s decision to cancel its prom to prevent the attendance of a lesbian couple may have the additional effect of endangering the student in questions safety.

From Seattle’s The Stranger:

The school told Constance McMillen, an 18-year-old senior, that she couldn’t bring a female date, couldn’t arrive with another girl, couldn’t wear a tuxedo, and warned her that even if she and her girlfriend arrived separately and wore dressed, they would be asked to leave if their presence made other students “uncomfortable.” Now McMillen, the 18-year-old senior who wanted to bring her girlfriend to prom, doesn’t just have to worry about being the only out lesbian at her small town’s high school, she also has to worry about her classmates blaming her for the cancellation of their prom:

“Oh, my God. That’s really messed up because the message they are sending is that if they have to let gay people go to prom that they are not going to have one,” she said. “A bunch of kids at school are really going to hate me for this.”

Superintendent:
Teresa McNeece
605 S. Cummings St.
Fulton, MS 38843
(662)862-2159
tmcneece@itawamba.k12.ms.us

School Board Members

Eddie Hood
a082315@allstate.com

Jackie Nichols
jnichols@itawamba.k12.ms.us

Harold Martin
hmartin@itawamba.k12.ms.us

Clara Brown
cbrown@network-one.com

Tony Wallace
twallace@nexband.com

Principal Trae Wiygul

twiygul@itawamba.k12.ms.us

Dear School Board Member

Please do not cancel your prom.

Be accepting your students identities and preferences you will not be “creating a distraction,” you will be preparing your students for the adult world they are about to enter. It’s a world where everyone doesn’t agree on every issue, but where we are learning to accept each other’s differences and treat others as we would ourselves like to be treated.

The human race has been working on that last one for a long long time.

You are not living up to that standard at the present. I hope and pray that you will come around on this.

I spent the first 20 years of my life (i’m 46) as a homophobe. I didn’t associate with homosexuals (that I knew of) and I found the prospect of witnessing affection between a same sex couple, in any form, repellent. I’ve come a long way in the last 25 years, met a lot of wonderful people, and I no longer have the very strong feelings I once had.

Even if you feel homosexuality is a sin, even if you think of it as a lifestyle choice, you are doing even your straight students a disservice by shielding them from a reality which they are probably more comfortable with than you are.

Worst of all, you are endangering the life and safety Constance McMillen, who you are punishing by doing this, making her the villain for asking to be treated like any other student.

I pray that you will do the right thing, for Constance, for your students, and for the world at large, and accept that we can honor and respect each other even when we disagree strongly with each other’s choices in life.

Ask yourself, as a thought experiment, if Constance were to come to harm as a result of this decision, how would you feel?

Now ask yourself, how would you feel if she were your daughter.

Sincerely,

Bedford Hope

One way to show support for Constance would be to donate to ACLU, or to UnityMS, a GLBTQ organization in Mississippi which works on issues affecting students in the state.

Dear Mr. McGough,

I’m sorry about my post on your recent article in the LA Times. I could have read your piece in a positive light, but I didn’t. Sometimes supportive parents see slights when they are not there.

I had no right to be as testy as I was in my little rant; all you were saying was that anti-bullying and proactive parenting might not shield a child from a damaging level of peer abuse. And there are many places in this country where I’m sure you’re right.

LIttle kids are amazingly pliable; they can easily be taught to love, or hate. The social conservatives are correct to pull out of public institutions (by their own reasoning) if they want to maintain the status quo with regards to acceptance of sexual minorities.

We live in La La land and can get away with what we’re doing. This is why I’m trying to rhetorically carve out a place for parents to make accommodations with their local realities. But texts can be read in different ways, and I think you hit the raw and exposed nerve we all have, in this community: IF our kid end up like Lawrence King, then we are, suddenly, absurd moonbats leading our children down the garden path to destruction.

It’s like waking on fire without being burned; you become very sensitive to people jiggling your elbow. There’s no comfort zone, really; do you hurt your kid on the inside to police the outside, or try to strengthen his inside, to be able to withstand the hurt coming from outside?

I’m reminded of Ghandi shaming the British through non-violent means into permitting Indian independence. His plan for non-violence action in Nazi Germany, mass suicides to protest mass murder, was utopian liberal moonbatism.

The question for parents is, do they live among the British, or among Nazis?

Camtabridgians and San Franciscans are definitely British. I have no personal experience of the heartland or the South, though I get second hand reports from our network of families. We seem as a nation to be more largely British than you might imagine. Moonbat hyperbole aside.

but it’s a near thing.

I belong to several wonderful, but different, on-line communities. Transfamily and TYFA, and the CNMC parent group (see side bars). Parents seem to be self-selecting, with many of the parents of gender variant but not transgender children ending up in one group, and the parents of transgender kids ending up in the others. In many ways, Oscar has straddled these two communities, as he has felt the freedom to claim a female presentation while retaining a mostly male identity.

So we’ve been oddballs in both communities.

I end up writing very long responses to parents of very young children, 3, or 4 or 5, who are sure their child is transgender. Because I assumed that Oscar was transgender at those ages, and it seems at age 11, that I was wrong.

I wrote this in response to the statement of a list-member, which seems intuitive enough, that the most extremely gender variant kids of course are the ones who end up eventually transitioning. The problem with this statement is that it isn’t always true.

As someone who presumed that my child was as extremely gender variant as it was possible to be, and who presumed I would be doing social transition and blockers, I’ll add a few thoughts that seem relevant.

“Barbies not babies.”

If this phrase seems to describe your MTF child, you may in fact be on the ‘pre-gay’ path. We also know that some kids insist they are girls because they are motivated to acquire the trappings of girldom; the hair, the clothes, the toys. What gender means to a five year old and what it means to a 12 year old can be very different. For some kids, this stuff IS gender.

This is why it’s so important to give it to them! Because if this does it, if this works, that’s a datapoint! Not the only datapoint, but a datapoint.

In the experience of some professionals, some of the most extremely flamboyantly hyper-feminine boys do turn out to be gay; and some genuinely trans kids are SO tuned into gender, and SO attuned to parental and societal pressure, that they self-supress nearly perfectly. They may overcorrect and be even more gender conforming than average. I tend to think that this sample comes from an earlier generation, but this is what I learned from Dr. Greg Lehne, a supportive professional, one of the experts in this area.

In his experience, some of the kids who seem the most incapable of suppressing their femme tendencies eventually emerge as gay, while genuinely transgender MTFs can suppress themselves and pass.

This fact was very counter-intuitive to me; in fact, it made me angry as hell when it was presented to me, as it seemed that every tangible, observable fact about my son could end up meaning one thing or the other.

A friend of mine, who had a child who we believe was genuinely transgender, described an incident where her kid spent hour upon hour rocking a baby doll to sleep, speaking to it, comforting it.

My child had a baby doll that was the color of mud, from being dragged around everywhere and unceremoniously hurled to the ground when he lost interest in it. My kid was never what you would call nurturing; I love him to pieces, but what he reminded me of sometimes, as a troublesome and somewhat irritable young child was an angry drag queen.

As we embrace our children and the people they are meant to be, remember the people in the middle of gender spectrum, who are also real. I believe there is a natural tendency for parents to either disregard gender variance as irrelevant or meaningless or a phase, or to presume that a child will transition.

We, the normative, are sometimes so scared of transvestites, cross-dressers, who we presume to be a sexual subculture, of the gender-ambiguous, so scared of what ‘those people’ go through, that we would rather our kids be one thing or the other. Especially when one learns that with early intervention that outcomes are so normative appearing.

Do you want your kid to be John Lithgow in the world according to Garp, or to look like one of the  lovely perfectly passing teenage girls I’ve met who did early intervention? Obviously, you want the cute girl. The six foot six broad-shouldered girl in the miniskirt is terrifying. (At first. Not to me anymore.)

I personally do not believe there is any danger in going ‘too far,’ in terms of acceptance, and neither do many professionals, but some professionals disagree, and our side can’t really prove the idea that permitting a child totally autonomy doesn’t change his or her trajectory.

Gender lies at the core of identity, and our kids profit from being seen as who they really are. My kid isn’t ‘just’ gender variant; his gender identity isn’t some minor suppressible aspect of his personality; the fact that he isn’t interested in blockers or pronouns doesn’t make his identity any less real. He isn’t only someone who ‘hasn’t made up his mind yet.’ I am not a parent in denial.

The professionals I most respect in this field are the ones who admit how little we know at this stage; there is almost no research. These professionals have the most humility, the greatest tolerance for ambiguity, and are the least likely to jump to conclusions.

At one time this point of view, this absurd ambiguity, drove me nuts; if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck—then it’s a goddamn duck.

Except when it isn’t.

Human beings are not designed to live with ambiguity. It eats at us. A professional I know spoke of the couples with fertility problems who are told they cannot conceive, and the couples told they have the one in a hundred chance.

The ones who are told they can’t conceive process that information, adopt, or they don’t, and they eventually move on.

The one in a hundred people often live in a continuos state of discomfort, second guessing themselves and their decisions, alternating between resignation and indecision, and in short, are miserable. Because ambiguity is hard to deal with.

My kid could want to demand to transition tomorrow; or he could demand that we erase all evidence of his femme childhood in order to become more masculine, and thus, more desirable, within the gay male community.

Neither of these possibilities invalidates where we are now, how we got here, or changes where it is we eventually end up.

Keep an open mind, listen to your kid, seek help if you experience mental health issues, and realize that you have time to figure all this out.

Your support will buy you the time that you need to get it right.

Sincerely,

Bedford Hope