I didn’t know love like this, but I now I do believe.

A love so great, a love I fear, with each new passing day.

“Just another sunrise and sunset.” I plead and I pray.

All the wires, the tubes, machines that beep through the night

All to make sure we get tomorrow, another day for you to fight.

I try to be brave, often I fail, knowing you need me to be.

And then I realize…courage…my son – that’s what you’ve taught me.

Every time I hold you – my heart aches for your broken one.

“Why is this happening?” “Why, God?  Why my son?”

I ask myself over and over – but know I may never know.

The only comfort I get – is when another day turns to tomorrow.

You may not show it on the outside..but your heart is so sick.

Not fully formed, fighting each day, another moment for you to live.

Our hospital has become a home, I never wanted it to be.

Each nurse, each doctor….have become a strange family.

They’ve seen sad stories of babies who’ve earned their wings too soon.

So, they fight for you…as I pray…to care for you as I do.

I am so proud, so honored, so grateful to be your mother.

I now know – that God truly chose me above all others.

To love and care for you – so I help heal your sick heart.

I knew from the moment I saw you….I knew it from the start.

‘For I know the plans I have for you …” declares the Lord – Jeremiah 29:11.

I know you fight each day…in honor of your heart buddies in Heaven.

You’ve exceeded every expectation, every dream I have for you.

You’ve been the answer to every prayer – I’ll love you through and through.

I don’t know what the future holds – but I know one thing for sure.

As each moment passes, as each day moves…..I’ll love you more and more.

Our families were waiting in the lobby, anticipating the news of the arrival of the newest member of their family.

Text messages were coming in – asking how things were going.  So many people praying for us, cheering me on, getting ready to love my Evan.

I was empty.

I didn’t know how to feel.

Joy?

Fear?

Our families walked in the room.  Each person hugged me as I cried and wept.

I wished so badly I could show them Evan.  Show them his perfect face.  Show them his pink body.  Let them hear the same cry that brought such joy to my heart.

But, nothing.  I was empty.

Small talk began amongst the families.  I tried to engage in the conversations but too heart sick to really care.

Craig decided to take a break and step out with his parents for a quick dinner.  He hadn’t eaten since breakfast.  I think hew knew I wanted some time with my family and some time alone to process things.

The NICU team told us that the Children’s hospital would be over to transport Evan via ambulance in a few hours.

My son was sick.  So sick he had to travel in an ambulance.  He was only minutes old.

The NICU nurse walked in and gave us his APGAR scores of 8 and 9.  Great scores…for such a sick baby.  Which goes to show that great APGAR scores are not an indicator for congenital heart disease.

Suddenly, I was signing papers. The transport team had already arrived.  They would assess Evan, get him stable, and then come in before they left.

The  NICU nurse looked at me and said,”They’ll bring him in an incubator for transport.  It’s scary.  It looks like something you’d see launched in outer space.  But, it’s what they need to get him there safely.”

Craig rushed back to make sure he was able to go with Evan in the ambulance. He’d be leaving me to be with him.  He’d be my voice, Evan’s advocate, our heart as he made the trip alone.

The man I gave my heart to many years ago…taking our newest broken heart away from me.

I had tried to envision the moment when they would take Evan to the Children’s hospital.  Tried to mentally prepare myself for the moment Craig and him left me.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

The door swung open and I see a contraption that was holding my son.  It was so wrong…what needed to be holding him was me.

One of the transport doctors wheeled him over to me, opened up one of the windows…and I saw him.

Helpless.

So tiny.

Fighting.

Tears fall from my eyes.  Craig falls apart – no longer able to be strong for us.

I reach out, touch his hand, look at my son and through my tears and simply say, “I need you to fight.”

I could feel the tears after each push – each tear for every dream, every fear, every hope – I have for him.

Craig looked at me and offered me his hand to squeeze, “You can do this, Czarina! You’re doing great!”

The pressure was unbelievable.  Every thought raced through my mind..

How will he look?

How will I feel when I see him?

How will Craig feel when he sees his son with a face that’s less than perfect?

Will I be ashamed if I feel anything but pride when I see him?

Will he take a breath?

Will I hear him cry?

PUSH!

“You can do this!” I could hear the cheering from the nurses, my doctor, my husband.

I could hear my heart racing.  I could hear my heart beating – only wishing I could give my heart to fix his broken one.

He’s almost here!  He has so much hair!

I grab Craig’s arm, look at him right and the eye and say, “We love him.  We love him no matter what we see, how we feel, how he does.”

Tears start to fall from his eyes, he gives my arm a squeeze, bends down and kisses my forehead, “Of course.  Of course we will.”

PUSH!

“He’s here!  Mama – he’s a cutie!” – the nurse exclaimed.

I shut my eyes tight, squeezed Craig’s hand, and pray outloud, “Cry.  Cry.  Breathe. Breathe.”

And then…

Almost inaudible…but I hear it.  The sound I’ve been praying for.  Faint…then strong….he’s crying.

And so are we.

They quickly pass him off to the NICU team.  They are muttering…I strain my ears to try and get information.  But all I hear are Evan’s screams.

The sweetest sound I have ever heard.

They look at me after a few minutes and say, “Are you ready to hold him?”

I hold my breath.  Ready to see him.  Scared to see him.

They place him in my arms and I see Him.

I see God’s perfect creation….only imperfect by the standards of man.

Yes – Evan’s cleft lip is severe – his little face incomplete.  It looks like the pictures you see on sites like “Operation Smile” – only this wasn’t some kid in a 3rd world country who hasn’t been fortunate to have surgery – but no -  this was my child – my son.

He was pink.  His chest was moving up and down.  He was warm…his heart was working.

The NICU doctor looked at me…and carefully said, “Ok Momma – we need to take him.”

And then…after only a minute…they took him from me and my heart broke.

Please join with us in prayer right now for Evan, Czarina, Craig & Iz!

Shauna

Arrival Day Prayers

Here is a candle that glows so bright
Given to you for you to light
When your baby boy has made his way
Know that many are praying this day.

His heart is so special
God made it that way
He’s going to be a fighter,
Strong and determined, we pray.

This boy is a blessing
All that God makes is good
And He gave him to you
What an honor that He would.

Tears, they may flow
Joy and pain in the same place
But turn to Jesus, friend,
And see His face.

What a special day
His arrival is here
Prayers are going up all around
Let go of the fear.

Our candles will glow so bright
When your boy arrives this day
A Master plan is in place
Many are praying this day.

I realize, humbled by this realization, that many of you have shared my blog and our story with friends, family, strangers.

I know I asked you to share our story, for prayers for our family and for Evan, but I know how busy lives can get and I wasn’t going to be upset if some of you decided not to spread the word.

I only know that I wanted the angels in Heaven to tire of hearing our voices and our requests for healing, strength, peace for Evan and our family…even if it meant it was just my small circle of friends and family praying.

But, I’ve been humbled by emails and messages of complete strangers praying for us.

I know now that my story is now a part of your story…my blog readers who are so faithfully praying for us.  Now, my Evan, is now your Evan, too.

For those of you that don’t know me personally, I want you to learn about my family.  I want you to understand that you’re not just praying for a little boy, but you’re praying for a legacy, the continuation of a love story that started many, many years ago.

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*The first part of this is a re-post.*

Ugh…it was the first time we’d be with the high school kids.

The 9th grade school had kept my friends and I sheltered another year before we had to move onto the “real” highschool.

But now, I was a sophomore.  A girl crying on the inside suffering from all things teen who desperately wanted to be accepted and popular.  The cheerleading uniform I donned was a good cover up to the self esteem that was painfully low.  And being surrounded by friends who were beautiful, funny and smart helped conceal the me I was so scared for people to see.

I was loud, joked often, perky, and cheerful. And most days, I was living honestly.  I was happy.  As happy as a 16 year old could be going through the transition of high school and growing up.

And no, this is not in invitation to a pity party, but just an honest account of who I was then because it’s shaped me to who I am today.

But back to the first day at the High School.

I was at a pep rally to get the school riled up and excited about the new year.  But really, it was just another excuse to see the faces you hadn’t seen all summer long.  A good mix of friendly faces were in the crowd that I had remembered from the past school year.  The Band was playing our fight song.  I love the Band.  I secretly wished I could play and instrument and wear a cool hat and march on the field.  But no, I was the annoying, perky, bow wearing, Asian chick on the side lines in the skirt that was waaaaay to short.  I scanned the crowd – in the stands and on the sideline – just to scope out who I’d be passing in the halls from the Commons area to building 10.

Then, I saw him.

I cheered on my side – the Junior Varsity side – and watched the “older” girls effortlessly cheer, work the crowd, tumble.  Be all I wanted to be.

He was tall.  Kind of awkward.  A Duffer for the varsity cheerleading squad.  A Duffer was a guy yell leader – NOT a cheerleader.  Duffers traveled with the cheerleading squad to all away games, carried megaphones and pom poms and the varsity squad’s bag.  They were guys who got to hang with the girls in the shorts skirts.  Pretty cool gig.

He was cute.  Super tall.  Probably over 6 feet with long brown hair that he would habitually put behind his ears.  He would laugh and he had the best smile.  I instantly liked him.  I didn’t know a thing about him but his name…but I knew I had to get him to notice me.

Getting this guy to notice me was going to be tough.  He was surrounded by beautiful girls.  Was in a band for, goodness sake.  He was a Senior. And I was a lowly sophomore.

Call it fate.  Call it hormones.  But I knew in an instant I was going to marry, Craig Hounsel.

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We dated on and off through out his Senior year before he went off to college at North Texas.  We decided to break things off his Freshman year – we wanted to make sure he had the full college experience – parties, dating, etc. We still saw each other and kept in touch.

Two years later, it was my turn to graduate high school.  I packed up and headed to West Texas to go to Texas Tech University – “Get ‘ur guns up!”

Craig decided he would transfer from N. Texas to Tech…he said it was to get away from Dallas…but really…I bet it was for me

And just like we did for his Freshman year, we decided to give each other the opportunity to see other people and fully enjoy the college life without the commitment of being exclusive.

We both joined the Greek community – I pledged Zeta Tau Alpha and he pledged Kappa Sigma.  We were thrust into a world of endless parties, mixers, and all things awesome that started and ended with red Dixie cups, beer pong, beer bongs, shot buses, spring breaks to South Padre….OH…what fun!

As much as I loved college life and my new wonderful friends and all the handsome boys…I already knew my heart was taken.

We dated pretty much exclusively until he graduated in 2000.

He then moved back to Dallas…and then he made the move to San Diego.

Craig went through a stage that he isn’t afraid to talk about.  He was lost.  He was in that weird in between stage of graduating from college and expecting to be an adult in the workforce…but really…just not having a clue.

One thing that always set Craig and I apart was our belief systems.

He grew up in a family that didn’t practice any kind of faith or even talked about God.

I grew up in a strict Catholic home where God was the center of who were.

When you’re young – at least for me – my faith wasn’t really a big deal.  I went to church every now and then. I still prayed.  But, I didn’t really understand that it’s not about religion…it’s about a relationship with God.

When Craig was in San Diego – it really tested us.  I was getting ready to graduate from college and had to make the next move for my life.  I knew that it was really important that the next phase of my life included relationships where Jesus was an integral part.  And this was just not something Craig understood.

So, on my birthday in 2002, we broke up.

For good.

It was heartwrenching.  I really believed he was the one for me.  But, Craig still was in California and I was in Texas.  I needed to share my life with someone who wanted to know Jesus.  He didn’t really have the desire to know Him.

Months passed.

I continued to pray for Craig.  I prayed that he find his happiness and for him to feel whole.  I knew in my heart that if he would just give Jesus a chance – Craig would stop searching to find his place in the world.

One night – after months of praying for Craig – I just prayed  for God to take it.  I prayed that God direct me and help me to find the person that would lead me and walk with me in my faith.  I finally let go of Craig.

Then the next day…Craig called.

I could hear in his voice a change.  I promised I would be the friend he needed.  He said he would go to the beach and just think about things.  He would say things in his head.

I told him..you were praying.

He didn’t have much to say or know what to say.

He made the decision to move back to Texas.  Move back to Dallas…where I was.

We decided to be friends….I knew he needed me.

Once he came home…something changed.  I saw it in him.  He asked to go to church with me.  He wanted to see “what it was all about.”

Jesus had found His lost sheep. Finally.

Our relationship changed.  We had grown up together.  He became the man I prayed for…and 4 months later he was baptized…and 6 months later…we were married.

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A year later…

It was my turn to feel lost.

I had always wanted to go to medical school.  I think because I knew I could do it and really…what else would I do with my Zoology/Chemistry degree?

After settling in and buying our new house, I applied to medical school and didn’t get in anywhere.  I had a crappy 3.5 GPA and a crappy 24 MCAT score.

I decided to try offshore medical schools and I was accepted to Ross University in Dominica – over 10 hours away.

Craig – seeing how lost I was – knew it was his turn to let me go. So, we sold our house, almost all of our belongings, and I left my best friend and everyone I loved to find out if I was truly meant to be a doctor.

I was super homesick.  But, I did well in school.  But, what I take most from my experience there was how utterly reliant I became on God.  I needed Him.  There was no one that could fill the ache and void of loneliness.  I had to wholly rely on Him to fill my sadness, my heartache.  I became disciplined in prayer, diligent in reading the Word, and experienced a hunger to know Him and my faith in ways I didn’t even realize.

Craig was finding his way as well.  Without me by his side, he had to seek God on his own. He doesn’t see it like I do – but he has transformed into a man of God that not only leads our household but protects us and guides us in our walk with Jesus as a family.  He isn’t perfect but he’s perfect for me.

We developed relationships with God – individually – that strengthened our marriage to a level I didn’t realize it could go.

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Two years later, I came back home to study for my medical boards and start clinical training in the US.

Well…you know….after being apart for months…Craig and I had some – ahem – catching up to do.

And well…surprise!  We were pregnant with Isabelle.

We decided to buy a house close to family in a good neighborhood so we could re-sell it fairly easily for when I returned to school.

High blood pressure and a high risk pregnancy put me on partial bedrest.  I took a leave of absence from school and told them I would return after 5-6 months of leave.

I gave birth…

And Isabelle was perfect.  She changed our lives.  And I couldn’t bring myself to leave her or Craig to finish school. During her first few months, my sister approached me to start a business with her.  We shared a passion for baking…and she thought what a great time to start a bakery…you know..during a recession.

But the gambled paid off – and Zen Baking Company was born.  It’s grown quickly and we’ve found some success…but the road is still long.

I realized after a few short weeks that sometimes purpose doesn’t have to found in a power profession, after a climbing the highest mountain, or traveling the world…sometimes purpose is in the smallest packages – sweet smell of your newborn, seeing a smile for the first time, holding that gift in your arms.  Motherhood – that’s what God created me for.

Our business took off and we decided to move to our own space. As soon as we moved into our new retail space in Dallas…I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2.

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And the rest…is his-story.

We spent last night as a family of 3 – knowing the Evan will make his arrival any day now. Craig and I got teary eyed as we realized our fun dynamic with Iz would be changed forever.  Forget the fact that Evan will need us more and be special – just the mere fact that our time won’t be totally devoted to Iz.  Our time will suddenly be torn in so many directions – everyday life (work, friends, family), Isabelle’s needs, Evan’s needs, endless hours of hospital stays, finding time to connect with each other as husband and wife, finding time as individuals….everything is about to change.

Until the next chapter – where our son will make his arrival.

So now…we wait.

We’ve heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.  He would say, “there’s a wolf!” when there really wasn’t….and then finally…when the wolf finally did arrive…no one believed him.

Well…

I’m the woman who cried baby.

I last talked about Evan making his arrival on an emergency trip to Labor and Delivery on Thursday.

Let’s talk about the rest of the weekend, shall we?

Saturday was a fun day.  Craig and I wanted to make sure we spent as much time with Isabelle as possible since we have a feeling Evan will be here sooner than later.

We went to a birthday party for Iz’s friend, Liberty.  I got to hang out with my friends and chat while my nanny for the day Craig followed Iz around and played with the other Daddies.

We came home and got the house straightened up.  Cleaned out our cars.  Made list of things to do for Monday since Craig had the day off – finish Evan’s room, pay bills, laundry, blah, blah , blah.

Football was on T.V. and the three of us watched the games, colored, ate pizza – just a great day and night.

Right after dinner – I start to feel contractions again.  I had had them on and off all day – but nothing like I had on Thursday.  So, I drank glass after glass of water and laid down, stood up, walked around – just trying to get them to stop.

Craig sent me to bed while he took care of bath and bed time duty for Iz.

The contractions had subsided a bit.  Bed time for the adults rolled around…10ish (I know..we really know how to party on a Saturday night).

And for the next 6 hours I laid in bed, Craig asleep by my side, timing contractions, drinking water, eating cereal at 2:30 AM, surfing the interwebz, walked around…anything to get my mind off of the so called “painless contractions called Braxton Hicks.”  (*Braxton Hicks contractions are painful…I don’t care if you think I’m a wuss*).

I also decided to read the Bible.  And I opened it up to Psalms 27 and 28.  Talk about God speaking to me…

I was finally able to fall asleep around 4am.  Iz woke up early – around 7:30 AM.

I was exhausted.  We all got up to start our day.  It was a normal Sunday.  Breakfast..getting ready for church…the usual.

I get up from the table to use the bathroom.  I do my business, look down, and panic.

Blood.

So much blood.

I yell at Craig – “We need to go to the hospital! I’m bleeding – and bad!”

Craig runs into the bathroom, sees me, sees everything…looks right at me and says, “Don’t panic.  Let’s go.”

My sweet Iz hears my cries and sees Craig rushing to get dressed. Her little brow furrows in such concern and says, “Momma – you bleed?”

I take her face in my hands, wipe away my tears, kiss her face and say that I’m just fine. I just need to go to the doctor and she’s going to her Tatay and Nana’s house to play for a while.

I rush to get dressed….all the while can still feel that I’m bleeding.

I stop and pray.  Fear has already set in.  It’s not just about going into labor…but now it’s about something being wrong with either me or Evan.

We head out the door, Iz constantly asking me if I’m ok, me trying to stay calm for her, Craig trying to stay calm for all of us.

We get to my parent’s house…my family is ready.  My aunt is at the door before we pull up.  My Dad is dressed…everyone is ready for baby to be here.

I call my doctor and she says to head to the hospital.  She’s already called Labor and Delivery.

I send out a text to my sisters and a few close friends and ask for prayers.  I communicate with my Heart Mama community and tell them my fears…and they are all in prayer for me.

I just continue to pray that everything is going to be ok…no matter what.

We finally get to the hospital.  I get checked out and there is still bleeding.

The emergency OB on staff hooks me up the monitor, does a sonogram to make sure Evan is head down, checks my fluid level and to make sure my placenta was still where it needed to be, orders I.V. fluids and anti-biotics…..she is getting ready…he may be here today or tomorrow if I continue to progress or if the bleeding doesn’t stop.

I continue to pray.

My friends and family are continuing to pray.

A nurse walks in to check on me and change out my I.V.  She read my chart, knows Evan’s history, and tells me it will be ok.  She asks if I need anything…and I look her straight in the eye and simply say, “Prayers.”

Her expression softened…and she replies with a smile, “You got it.”

Hours and hours later…after lots of football watching…bags of I.V….a few pelvic checks later…the bleeding had stopped.  The contractions were finally far apart…and the doctor said I can go home and labor at home.  She only wanted me to come back if the bleeding started again (which they felt was from cervical change and not from my placenta), if Evan slowed down his movements, or if something happens which really sets off labor – water breaking, contractions so great I can’t walk or breathe.

I felt foolish – even though my doctor said with the amount of bleeding I had – it was smart of me to come to hospital.

I was the woman who cried baby.

I asked for prayers for Evan and he didn’t even come.

We drive back home, pick up Iz, and I let my friends know that I’m finally leaving the hospital…so they can stop holding vigil for me

And then I get a text reply from my friend Lisa…which said…”Our prayers were answered.”

I realized that I had asked my family and friends to pray for me.  And just like in times of trouble, when you are so caught up in the moment, do not have the words to give to God…the Holy Spirit takes over and sends a request up to God on your behalf.

I realized that my prayers had been answered.  I had so much fear and worry that Evan would be early that I prayed for his safe arrival.  God heard me…and He heard everyone uttering their requests for Evan and me.  Yet, I didn’t realize until after I got home…that God had given me more time…Evan more time…and He has already promised a safe arrival for Him…but it wasn’t that day.

Yet again I was reminded that God is truly in control.  And I thanked Him once again…for showing me.

And if you try to step in to help, she has the melt downs to end all melt downs and fights and cries.  It’s like I ruined her world.

Well…I’m Mommy …that’s what we do… Mommy = Fun Ruiner.

She’s 2 1/2 so her gross and fine motor skills are still developing.  But, in her mind, she totally can do whatever she thinks she puts her mind to. And in a way, I’m proud of her for wanting to do these things.  But, sometimes, if she’d just let me help, let me do it the way I know would work, her life would be so much easier!

For instance, putting on her shirts are a challenge for her.  She can put on her pants ok – even though they may end up backwards.  But, she hasn’t quite mastered the task of putting her arms in the right holes.  And when I’m banished from her room while she gets dressed “By MYSELF!” I sit patiently in the hall and watch her struggle.

Yes, I laugh at my child as she suddenly creates a baby straight jacket (hmmmm…now that would be a #1 seller on Amazon.com..sorry…I digress) and gets stuck.  I ask her if I can help and she yells, “NO! I do it by myself!”

And I sit and I wait.  The finally, after tears and frustration, I finally hear, “I need help!” In her most desperate, little voice.

That’s kind of where I feel like I am with God.

I love to control things…just ask my husband…wah, wah wah!

Seriously, I am such a planner.  I plan meals for the week, itineraries for the day, Iz is uber scheduled to the point of obnoxious.

So when Craig and I decided to have another baby, we planned that we wanted Iz and Baby #2 around 3 years apart.

Perfect!  Craig and I did it (literally…).

Then, our world was rocked and we found out Evan was going to have a congenital heart defect and a cleft lip/palate.

Whoa.

I wasn’t ready for that.

Then I did what most super Type A people do.

I planned.  I researched.  I’ve made schedules for family members who would watch Iz.  Craig and I have even tried to control how much time he needs off by estimating the time Evan may be in the I.C.U.

And then…yesterday.

I started having contractions the night before.  I kept Craig and I up by my tossing and turning.  I could not get comfortable.  Contractions kept coming and I couldn’t shift positions to make them go away.

I finally found sleep.  And the next thing I hear is Iz yelling from her room that she wanted to watch Kai Lan read a book.  I got up as normal and almost fell.  My abdomen was so tight and I could feel it wrapping around to my back.  Holy crap – that hurt.

Then, I felt like I had a leak and my water broke and I may have a high leak.

Oh crap.

I was only 35 weeks.  Could Evan be coming NOW?!? No way..it’s too early.

His room’s not done.  Our cars aren’t cleaned out.  I haven’t shaved – erm – anything – in a few weeks.

I couldn’t shake the contractions.  I tried to pretend I was just doing a really awesome ab workout.  Then I looked down and realized…I ain’t working out nuthin’!

So, I called my doctor and told her I was heading to Labor and Delivery to get checked.

I hadn’t planned for this.

Things went by fast. I called Craig.  I called my parents.

10 minutes later – my Dad was at my door step.  My car was loaded with my bag, a giant bag full of sheets and pillows for our extended stay at the ICU, Evan’s bag with special items for his extended hospital stay, and Iz’s bag for her “vacation” with grandparents.

We drove to my parent’s house first to drop off Iz.

She ran into my mom’s arms and parked herself in front of the TV that was already set to Nick Jr.

Suddenly, I lost it.

I waddled to the bathroom and broke down. I could hear Iz’s voice sing to the songs on the T.V.  Her laughter.  Her little voice and realized..I’d be apart from her for a while.

I realized I may be in labor and Evan may be in for more struggles than what he already had to deal with.  I realized I wasn’t really ready at all – to give birth and have my baby taken out of my arms to get poked and prodded, to watch my husband leave my side – instead of staying by me and holding me as we celebrated our son – so he could be with our son who would be whisked away to a different hospital to get care at the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU), to hold my breath until I hear Evan take his first one, to see our son with a facial deformity, to see my husband weep for his baby’s struggle…

I hadn’t planned on it.

On any of it.  I thought after weeks and weeks of knowing about Evan’s condition that I would be ready.  But, yet again, I was mistaken.

God had shown me once more…once again…I did not have control.

I tried to do all of this “by myself.”

Sure..I’ve prayed.  I’ve been diligent about praying.  But, I really haven’t given all of this to God.  Like REALLY asked Him to take control.

I’ve prayed for peace, for healing, for strength….so that I could get through it.

I haven’t really let God take it from me.  I tried and try to control it all – still.

And I was reminded yesterday, that none of this, is in my control.

After a full day of monitoring at the hospital and contractions every 2-3 minutes…a couple of exams…I was finally released late in the afternoon.

I was told to rest, drink lots of water, eat well (supposedly I was malnourished…tell that to my scale that clearly shows I’ve gained 40 lbs…), and stay stress free as possible (ha!).

Jesus lived a life and experienced pain and suffering – so we didn’t have to.  God wants to step in, take over our struggles, He doesn’t want us to give some things to Him, He wants us to give ALL things to Him.

So, today, I not only pray for healing, for strength, for courage, for peace…but I pray a prayer I desperately need to pray, to…

Let Go and Let God.

God is funny.

Seriously – don’t you love it when He does something in your life and in the moment you don’t realize it’s something you actually prayed for?

And have you had times where you feel like He’s telling you “No” to something you’ve prayed for over and over again but later – may be days, months, or even years – you realize His yes in the moment you are struggling through.

Ok – maybe it it’s just me.  Maybe I just don’t have the sense of humor God needs me to have.  Maybe I try to do too much planning and not enough praying.

But, lately, I’ve had quite a bit of time to reflect and really think about the things I’ve prayed for and how God is revealing Himself to me.

Prayer:  God, I want to have another child. I pray that it’s a boy and I hope I can love him as much as I love Isabelle.

Answer:  Well…He answered, huh? Craig and I got pregnant on the first “try.”  We didn’t expect it to happen so soon.  We also didn’t think we’d get the son I prayed for.  But, God has given me both.  A child and the son I desperately wanted for Craig.  And the fear of not loving him as much as Iz….totally ridiculous.  Evan’s diagnosis has shown me something so deep and so real about a parent’s love in a way I haven’t experienced with Isabelle.  It’s been painful to love so deep for a child I haven’t laid eyes on yet.  It’s also given me extreme joy in being a parent – truly counting blessings day to day – for the time I get with Iz and the future I pray for Evan.

Prayer:  I hope I get to spend as much time with Baby #2 as I did with Isabelle.

Answer:  Ummm…well looks like me and E will be best buds!  I was able to stay at home with Isabelle full time until she turned 18 months and the bakery business my sister and I started took off.  I told my sister/business partner that I would take 3 – 4 months after Evan’s birth and come back full time.  I started working full time with Isabelle and suddenly had to stop working because of placenta previa and bleeding when I was 14 weeks pregnant with Evan.  Then, we got the diagnosis about E’s heart and realized my life for the next few years would be full of doctor’s appointments and taking care of him.  Funny, huh?

Prayer:  I don’t feel close to you anymore, God.

Answer:  You get pretty intimate with God when you are in pit of hopelessness.  I suddenly found myself hungry to know Him – in hopes of getting answers to the “why’s” that were plaguing my mind.  I also found myself praising Him for so much I took for granted.  I praised Him in the darkest moments – the moments where you are begging for a glimmer of hope – then you realize – the hope and His faithfulness has always been there you just were blinded by the Earthly pain of the problem to see it.  At times I feel far from Him still, only because I can’t “feel” Him near.  And it’s not Him – He reveals His goodness in my everyday.  I am just so wrapped up in my fear of what is to be (and fear is NOT of God) that I surround myself with that fear instead of the peace and comfort of Him.

Prayer:  I feel guilty for the time that will be taken away from Isabelle.  I hope I get to spend some one on one time with her.

Answer:  Iz has been sick and I can’t bring her to daycare.  She is also scheduled for surgery for tubes for her ears so Craig and I decided to keep her home until her surgery on the 20th.  So, it’s been me and Iz.  Me and a two year old that is trying to be independent but still wears Dora jammies.  I love her…but I have forgotten how hard being a stay at home mom is and how challenging it is to keep a toddler busy.  Thank God for Nick, Jr.

God is funny.

Careful what you pray for!  He just might give you exactly what you want…and need.

My dear friends got together and threw me an amazing shower.

It was complete with yummy food, lots of laughter, and just the right amount of tears.

I laughed so hard with friends that I almost forgot what Evan was going through.  For split seconds, I didn’t think about his heart problem, the challenges we are about to face as a family…I just thought of him as my baby boy.  My sweet boy who I’ve been praying for for so long.

I cried as I thanked everyone for coming.  I cried as I looked around the room and realized that everyone in that room is invested in him.  And although I am the one carrying him…my friends and family are carrying me.

Everyone in that room that came to celebrate him love us – Craig, Iz, me and Evan.  They are praying for us.  They want what I want – for Evan to fight, for Evan to thrive, for Evan to be with us for a very long time.

I know that mine and Craig’s pain is so great at times.  But, I also know that everyone praying for us and with us experience heartache with us, too.

But today, we celebrated.  We laughed.  We rejoiced.  We celebrated the life that I’m carrying and the life that God has promised me He will give Evan.  Today…we celebrated.

Thank you – Lisa, Shauna, Elizabeth, Joanne, and Marissa – for the “All Star Shower” you gave for Evan.  Thank you for reminding me that we should celebrate his life and his fight.

Thank you to my friends – friends from all seasons of my life were with us today to celebrate.  Each one interwoven in my beautiful, blessed life.

Thank you to my family – for being there for me, for supporting me, and loving me.  Without you all – Craig and I would be lost.

Thank you, sweet Evan, for being the inspiration to so many.  Thank you for showing me how to really love.  Thank you for showing me how to pray.  Thank you for reminding your Daddy and I how incredibly blessed we are to have each other.  Thank you for showing me how to be strong, how to be courageous.  Thank you for making me a mother once again.

Thank you to everyone….thank you a thousand times over.

*I’m sorry I don’t more pictures of everyone who came to the shower!*

Pray for:

• He will able to breathe on his own as soon as they cut the umbilical cord.
• His ECHO after birth shows nothing new and that surgery is possible.
• He adjusts well to the first 24-48 hours of life as he learns to breathe, pump is heart – all on his own.
• His brain, lungs and other organs are functioning normally.
• My recovery is swift so that I can be with him very soon after I give birth.
• His birth is smooth without any complications.
• Strength for Craig.
• Strength for me.
• Guidance and knowledge for his doctors, nurses and surgeons.
• For healing.
• For peace.

If you have a specific request for your family – whether you have a Heart Warrior or not, please add your requests in the comment section so others praying for Evan can also pray for your child, for your situation, your family, etc.