Accidentally Mommy

Orange you glad I didn't say bananna?

2012-01-12T16:30:00.000-05:00

So, I make no secret of the fact that I don't like wearing oranges. Just...don't. Not my comfort zone, not a color I really like, just not my thing.

That said, though, I decided to play around a little bit with a couple of MSC's oranges.

Products and tools! Makeup Forever Smoky Lash in Black, Revlon Colorstay liner in black, NYX shadow base in white, MSC King Moonracer, Tiger's Blood, Strange Potion, and Unicorns and glitter. Depotted UDPP at the bottom. Varying sizes of blending brushes.

Clean eye, primed with UDPP and prepped with NYX shadow base in white.

Waterline done with black pencil.

Apply Strange Potion to your inner corners and bring out about half-way through your pupils. Make sure to pat, not rub when applying the pigment.

Do the same with Tiger's Blood to your outer corners.

GENTLY, BARELY blend the Strange Poison into the Tiger's Blood. Add some King Moonracer to your ducts and line your lower lash line with it. Highlight with Unicorns and Glitter.

Photo is intentionally blurry - check out all that glitz, particularly King Moonracer and Unicorns and Glitter!

A little further away, but blurred for the same effect!

"Quoi?

"Je suis timide..."

Stay Madd, darlings!

Why didn't I think of that?

2012-01-12T02:54:00.000-05:00

So, I have a problem. I don't like to buy new. In fact, it's almost an OCD issue - I start to think about all of the things out there that are discarded for no reason when they can mostly be re-used, and I get this huge Catholic guilt wave that knocks me flat on my ass. I won't buy a new car, I won't have a home built new, hell... even my pets are recycled, if you know what I mean. (I <3 Shelter Animals!)

I was given a bundle of cloth diapers from Cuntasaurus Rex some time ago, and while externally they appeared pretty sound, the elastic was shot in some and the PUL in others. I suspect she EC'd because she was both lazy and didn't know how to care for cloth.

Crying at the thought of replenishing an already small stash, I did what any cloth mama would - I turned them into fitteds and bought hella cute covers.

What have YOU upcycled for your little ones lately/?

MmmmCocoa!

2012-01-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

Mama Jalackie’s World Famous Cocoa Recipe

INGREDIENTS

2 cups of ground, pure, unsweetend cocoa powder, preferably free trade.
3 TBSP of UNSALTED Butter. If butter doesn’t work for you, coconut oil can be substituted. It may change the taste slightly, but it’s a delicious difference. I actually encourage those who normally use butter to try the coconut oil option as well, since it really does impart a sweet, creamy flavor.
scrapings of two (2) inches of vanilla bean pod, or two TSP of *real* vanilla extract. (See below for simple instructions on making your own vanilla extract!)
½ TSP your choice of nutmeg, mace, cinnamon, anise or allspice. Remember that nutmeg is not good for preggo mamas, so please choose one of the alternatives. I’m most fond of allspice in lieu of nutmeg.
½ to ¾ TSP chili powder
1 cup coffee (light) cream (OPTIONAL, Dairy free alternatives work well too.)
3 cups milk. You can use any milk here - cow’s, almond, rice, soy... if you don’t drink cow’s milk, I strongly suggest unsweetened original almond milk. It’s very creamy and infuses the cocoa with a delicious, subtle nutty flavor.
Demerara or turbinado sugar to taste.
Cinnamon sticks or candy canes for garnish
Bourbon, whiskey or rum, or coffee liquore if so desired.

DIRECTIONS

Melt your butter or coconut oil in a deep sauce pan over medium heat. Do NOT heat to separation where it’s possible to skim the solids off the top. You want those oils to remain emulsified.
Using a whisk, temper in your cocoa powder. The mixture will be very thick at this point.
If using cream, whisk that in first. If you have a double boiler, now would be the time to transfer it to the double boiler. Otherwise, turn the heat down to low.
Add in your vanilla and spices. Whisk well for two minutes to ensure spices are well distributed and have begun to release their aromatics before cooling the cocoa with your milk.
At this point, your cocoa should have the look of a thick ganache, and should lightly coat a spoon when dipped in it.
Temper in your milk sloooowly, whisking gently the entire time.
Continue to heat on low. DO NOT bring to a simmer, but bring it close. At this point, add sugar to taste. I usually use ¾ a cup, but we like it sweet over here. Whisk until sugar is melted and well incorporated.
Ladle into mugs, garnish with cinnamon sticks or candy canes, and enjoy! This would also be the point where you would add your alcohol, making sure to put the alcohol in the mug BEFORE the cocoa, and then gently stirring to mix thoroughly.

BONUS! HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN VANILLA EXTRACT

3 large vanilla beans
1 cup top shelf bourbon (I like Jim Beam Black.)
Glass jar with tight-fitting lid - I recycle pasta sauce mason jars for infused oils, home made extracts like this, and a whole host of other uses.

Cut a slice in the middle of each bean, leaving a bit at each end still connected so it looks something like this ()
Place vanilla beans in your jar and cover with bourbon. Cap tightly.
Storing the bottle in a dark, cool place, shake it once or twice a week for six to eight weeks.
You may either strain and decant into another glass bottle with a tight fitting cap, or you may use as-is. This mixture keeps indefinitely due to the high level of alcohol. Use with with the same volume you would a commercial extract. (ex. 1 tsp is 1 tsp.)

Full Frontal Makeuping

2012-01-08T10:14:00.001-05:00

Hello lovelies. I have a lot of things swirling in my brain to talk about, but it's simply not the right time to do so. It would add fuel to an already out of control fire. So, instead I bring you makeup.

Peekaboo!

Korred Quercetin and Oak primer, Crushed Botanicals liquid mineral foundation, and MSC Effin' Perfektion Powder. This is my first time using Crushed Botanicals liquid mineral foundation. I think I'm in love, ya'll. It has all the buildable and blendability as a mineral makeup foundation powder with none of the danger of over-powdering. I rate this product an A-FREAKING-PLUS. I personally mix the Fair and Light since my skin has both yellow and red tones to it, and it matches my neck and chest perfectly. Like, literally disappears.

As much as I am a proponent for using brushes on one's eyes and lips, I have not quite mastered them for foundation, so I just use my tips or a beauty sponge to blend. You can tell here that I have some very definite red splotches on my cheek bones and a bit of yellowing under my eyes

Ta Daa!!! You can see how awesomely it covered the red spots and neutralized the yellow? This was with some Effin Perfektion Powder to set it. I have Kelli's mineral makeup setting spray (Along with a host of her other products that will be reviewed soon!) but have not had a chance to use it yet, as this tutorial was was an impromptu middle-of-the-night thing. Please also forget the lack of blush - my favorite finally ran out and I'm heartbroken over it, so haven't looked around for another one I love quite as much.

Now, on to le eyeballs!

Products! NYX shadow base in white, Benefit Stay don't Stray eye primer, liner marker in black, kohl black liner, MUFE Smoky Lash in Black, NYX eye/brow pencil in Taupe, and MSC Kiss with a Fist, Pixie, Ohm and Sugar Plum. Not pictured because it rolled under the bed: MSC Jive Talk.

Tools!

Make sure your eyeball is naked. Well, naked except for your primer and a touch of shadow base. Then lightly tight-line with the black kohl pencil.

Put Jive Talk in the inner corners and ducts of your eyes. Pat, don't sweep.

Then pat Pixie on to the middle halves of your lids, taking care to saturate the lash line. Pixie is such a decadent color - true soft purple with more gold glitz than I can begin to explain. If you don't have it yet, you definitely need it!

On your outer halves of your lids, pat on Sugar Plum. It's another super decadent, rich color. It makes me want to roll in it akin to a CEO rolling in the money they'd have if they cashed their checks.

Blendy blendy! VERY light windshield motions from full inner to full outer.

Highlight with Kiss with a Fist, blending it down into the other colors on your lid and in your crease.

Line your eyes with the pen, and then use Ohm to set it all.

Better shot of the lower lash line set with Ohm. The gold in the Ohm really brings out the gold glitz in Pixie and gives you just enough sparkle.

One more of the top. I just love the way this blended out.

Definitely an evening look, and definitely accentuated and made all the more lovely with glasses!

Stay Madd, darlings!

Atomic Honey-Tiger, quick and dirty

2011-12-20T12:57:00.000-05:00

Brush simplicity~ Large pencil brush, medium shader, stiff concealer.

Black Radiance marker liner, NYX nude shadow base, UDPP, MSC Awesome Sauce, Atomic Dreamland, Honey Rose, Tiger's Blood, Sally, and Thunder Snow.

Add a drop of Awesome Sauce to your NYX Shadow base.

Over the shadow base, pat a thin layer of Honey Rose to the entire eyelid. I needed a bit of depth to this look without it being over the top, and this was really the key to that subtle splash of color.

Next pat Atomic Dreamland over the inner halves of your lids.

Oooh, shiney!

Tiger's Blood is a ridiculously awesomely strong pigment. As you can see, I just kinda dotted it on in the outer half of my lid.

Blendy blendy!

A nice color wash.

Next you're going to want to cut the crease with Sally.

Gently bring the Sally down into Atomic Dreamland and Tiger's blood, but don't muddy it.

Taaa Daaaa!!!!!

It's okay to be okay.

2011-12-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

Loss is never an easy thing for adults. Even with our ability to comprehend the frailty and fleeting beauty that is life, our grief can overwhelm us. Not just when a fellow humanimal dies, either. Pets, and even the loss of other living organisms (See: my deceased grandmother's tangelo tree,) can cause us mourning that must be comprehended, processed, and eventually put to rest like the person/thing we're grieving over.

How does a child translate those feelings, though? How can we help our little people to be efficient in dealing with their grief, which can easily be misunderstood and misplaced?

Firstly, it all needs to be changed up depending on the age of the child. This can be difficult in multi-child households, because whilst trying to deal with one's own feelings, one must deal with the unique needs of each child. Those needs are not just age/comprehension based, either. They are also based on the personality of the child. Is your son a child who has his feet on the ground, often serious and thoughtful? Is your daughter a child who already has separation issues and grows very closely attached? Just as every child is unique and we cannot teach them all the same, we cannot expect them to all to be comforted by the same manner and technique.

It's not uncommon for a child to express their feelings in manners that are undesirable and hurtful. Small children, say, toddler age-- may skip routine activities, regress, or fret uncontrollably while older children can do the same, in addition to acting out aggressively. Not every person or child feels devastation or mourning in those ways, though. Sometimes it's just okay to be okay, and THAT needs to be stressed, as well.

I'm going to go ahead and let you in on a child psychologist's secret as the first step towards soothing the ravaged feelings of your little dude or dudette: Honesty.

Yep. That's going to be the first thing a child psychologist will try with your child if you find that you cannot improve the feelings of your teacup humanimal. Whether your child is six or sixteen, they will bring your child into a calm, serene, non-threatening environment, often with toys or art, and they will level. They will ask concise, honest questions, and they will answer return questions honestly, with examples of their own experiences.

That brings us to point two – self expression. Art, Legos, Tinker Toys, even Matchbox cars or Barbies can be the gateway to breaking apart the negativity that can often be expressed by a child who is in mourning. It redirects those feelings and gives them a manner of expression that can take on any form, instead of them feeling frustrated in non-pretend situations. Allow your child that little bit extra toy time, allow them to sing a little louder, allow more fingerpainting. These are outlets that they can use to express emotions that have very probably been building in them like steam in a pressure cooker.

Misunderstanding is also a common feeling that the child in mourning will experience. This again comes back to honesty. Don't tell them that Nana took a trip or that Fluffy ran away. Be honest. Don't tell them more than they need to know, and don't explain over their heads, but be honest. “I'm sorry, my darling, but Nana's body was tired.” A similar statement can be used for beloved pets. The objects, though, can be more difficult. In the case of my tree, my daughter was equally as heartbroken as I was. This was a treasured family heirloom, bringing to us physical nourishment as well as the emotional nourishment it provided by holding many happy memories. When asked why a seemingly perfect tree needed to be cut down and hauled away, with tears in my own eyes, I explained that like Nanny, all life is fleeting in the grand scheme of things. We are a spiritual family, so I informed her that my hope was that since all living things have spirit in them, that Nanny would be receiving the spirit of her tree in the afterlife, there for her to sit under during perpetual blossom for the scent of the flowers she loved so much.

Punishing a child who is actively grieving is a slippery slope, so generally my recommendation is DON'T DO IT. Like the fact that they can misunderstand the loss, they can misunderstand that they're being punished for their actions, not their feelings. Instead, uit has been my experience that sitting them down and talking out the situation and why the behavior is undesirable but the feelings are allowed is the best course of action.

For our small ones who aren't yet comprehending on that level, helping them through their mourning can be ten times as difficult. I have found that there is a very simple first step – be there for them. Physically, make sure to touch and hug and cuddle frequently. Babywearing very young children, temporary co-sleeping, daily and momentary cuddling – these are all things that release the neurochemicals that are key to helping them at this stage. (Yes, processing grief even has a biological aspect, but this blog isn't long enough for that to be explained today.)

Socially, do not stop talking about said person and thing. On terms that they will understand, explain that life is temporary. Don't put photos away, rather, take the time to remember out loud. It will be good for everyone involved, as love begets love, and love begets healing.

Dragonfly Jubilee

2011-12-13T16:47:00.001-05:00

Dragonflies are one of my favorite animals. It is said that they represent the opening of one's eyes and focusing on living in the moment. Not so different from when we do our makeup, no? Especially if we're trying something new and intimidating.

Here in GreenSwamp we get them in all colors. I've even seen a purple one or two. My favorite will always be the ones who have a green abdomen and blue thorax. The way the sun hits them when they're on a flower or darting into the water is breathtaking and relaxing.

Assemble your products. MSC is having a color of the weeek on Jubilee is the color of the week this week. The dragonflu look that I do has been one of my favorites for a LONG time, and Jubilee is in the front of my favorite drawer. This is a perfect example of the versatility of the color in case you were doubting buying it. NYX Shadow base in white, UDPP, black glitter liner from WnW, Maybelline clear mascara, and WnW MegaPLUMP mascara.

Om nom nom, tasty brushes.

Apply the NYX Shadow base

Lay on the Lotus Bloom pretty thick. Remember, pat not swipe.

Same with the Waffle down the middle of your eye. Pat, don't swipe.

This is Jubilee. I was desperately trying to show you the amazing sparkle it has in it.

A better, blurrier picture that showcases all that glitz.

Now, using the patting method, bring the Jubilee across your crease and down to the outer V of your eye.

Before you blend, go ahead and tightline your eyes with the black pencil. This was a cheap WnW pencil, and the only one I have EVER been able to get to work on my waterlines.

Now use the large floofy domed brush and blend. Lotus out to Jubilee, and then Jubilee down from the crease

Add a swipe of Silver Haze to your orbital bone for highlight.

Using the clear mascara, make up some eyeliner with your Timewarp. Use it to line the lash beds on top and bottom

I swear I'm not naked in those photos, my sweater is just huge. I hope you enjoyed this look, and you try it yourself. Stay Madd, darlings!

You are very wise, little Grasshopper.

2011-12-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

Over at Madd Style Cosmetix the color of the week for the past seven days was none other than Ecto Cooler. I won't lie - this is a color I haven't had a chance to experiment with much, but whoa... lemme tell you, it's in the favorites drawer.

This look really reminds me of summer grasshoppers down here in the swamp. They're multi-colored and beautiful.

Products: MSC: Awesome Sauce, Acid Bath, Ecto Cooler, Witch's Brew, Silver Haze, Misfits and Moonbeams; UDPP; NYX Shadow base in White; WnW Plumping Mascara, Black kohl liner, Taupe kohl brow pencil.

Stiff concealer brush, floofy medium peaked shadow brush, large floofy domed blending brush, medium width liner brush, brow/lash tool.

Start out with a relatively opaque application of the NYX Shadow Base.

Apply Acid Bath from your inner corner to mid-lid. Also bring it down to the first 1/3 of your lower lash line.

Now apply your Ecto Cooler to the outer half of your lid. This color is EXTREMELY saturated, so a little dab'll do ya.

Bring your Witch's Brew across your crease, but blend in and down to avoid a cut look.

Apply Silver Haze from crease to orbital bone, very lightly. Another one where a little dab'll do ya.

Apply your liner. Once again, Jalackie/Accidentally Mommy has attempted winged liner. Outline with pencil...

And fill with Misfits and Moonbeams, both in your wing and tightlined on the bottom.

I currently have a hand-held mirror, so my results with winged liner are mixed. Today wasn't awesome, but it wasn't awful either.

Add glasses, and voila! Liner looks awesome behind them! ;)

Stay Madd, darlings!

Shady's back.

2011-11-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

The title is ironic because I was once upon a time known as LdyShadow.

Hi, everyone. My name is Jackie, but you know me as AccidentallyMommy.

I left for a while. I was scared into submission by someone who, when it comes down to it, is ill. Her obsession and her drive to ruin everything and anything beautiful is a sickness, bottom line. I wouldn't let someone with a cold frighten me into becoming a hermit, and I won't let the stalker frighten me into silence. I'm standing up again, and I won't back down.

This blog can no longer be completely anonymous, though. In reality, it never was. There will be fewer and fewer posts about my children, about my blueberry nights, about pater puerii. There will still be posts, though. There will still be the catharsis that is my fingers falling on the keyboard late at night, knowing that I'm reaching an audience of eyes and ears that are here because they want to be, not out of any fraternal or familial obligation.

Guess who's back, back again.

Happy Thanksgiving: an eye tutorial for Cranberry Sass!

2011-11-24T14:00:00.001-05:00

Start, as always, with a clean face and your products gathered and orderly. I'm THANKFUL for all of my luck in finding such awesome makeup. Pictured: WnW MegaPLUMP mascara in black, Madd Style Cosmetix loose pigments in Unicorns and Glitter, Kick Ass, Young Blood, Dirty Beats, Mudd Slinger, and Pawn Shop. Also shown is NYX shadow base in flesh. Not shown: MSC Awesome Sauce, Urban Decay Primer Potion in Original.

Gather your tools! I'm THANKFUL for my Fash set - it really is awesome.

Start out with your NYX shadow base. I needed this look to be a little more conservative, so I went with the flesh tone, but it would be KILLER if you used a white base to really make the colors pop.

See? blends right in.

Now, MSC's Young Blood OR Kick Ass could be used alone, but I really wanted a deep cranberry, the color of home-made crock pot cranberry and port wine sauce, so I mixed equal parts of both to achieve the desired color. Play around with it and find what you prefer most, though.

Ta Daaa! Bring that color out to the middle of your lids and slightly above your crease.

Next take your MSC Dirty Beats, and working from the outside in, meet the cranberry color in the middle.

Blend lightly with a fluffy brush using a windshield wiper motion in the middle of the eye, and a flicking motion in the crease, bringing the dirty beats into the cranberry color.

Once you have those colors blended, go ahead and use MSC Unicorns and Glitter in the duct and on the orbital bone, and make a very light sweep along your top lash line with MSC Pawn Shop, using a pencil brush.

Now you're going to take a drop of Awesome Sauce and mix up some liner with Dirty Beats, and line both lower and upper lash lines.

Try to make sure your hand is steadier than mine. (Due to a medication I take, I have a chronic tremble, which is why my eyeliner is always shite, no matter how much I may practice with it.)

Peekaboo!

From the side. You can really see the Unicorns and Glitter and the Pawn Shop from this angle.

Ignore the breakout and the lack of makeup please. 4 AM tutorial.

Cheese!

Don't be intimidated by the red, and don't be intimidated by sassing it up even more than I did. You're only as green as your courage is. Boldly go, and stay Madd!

Giving thanks

2011-11-24T03:57:00.000-05:00

My heart is full, my cup runneth over. I'm thankful for all of it, the good and the bad. Without both, I wouldn't truly be living.

May all of you, Thanksgiving or not *winks at her Aussie readers,* be reminded of the beauty of your lives.

Much, much love,
Accidentally Mommy

Update your reading list!

2011-09-08T14:27:00.000-04:00

Just a head's up - most, if not all, things art and makeup have moved over to MMC Designs! Please follow me there as well. Thanks in advance!

http://mmc-designsfarmandkennels.blogspot.com/

When life hands you lemons...

2011-09-04T23:26:00.002-04:00

...You paint that shit gold. With eye makeup.

Feeling in a bit of a slump, I decided to re-create in pictorial form an eye look that I did yesterday for a possible interview. Didn't get the interview, but definitely went out looking FIERCE.

The original look in natural light.

Us girls with glasses have a unique challenge when it comes to eye makeup. We have to go a bit bolder than most, but the worry about being TOO bold or downright tacky, is very real.

Below you'll find a look that works well for both day/business and night/casual.

First, let's look at our supplies:

Left to Right, top row: Unknown brow pencil, Hazel; Maybelline waterproof liner, Black; Estee Lauder Projectionist mascara, black; UDPP, Original; NYX eyeshadow base, Pearl; Madd Style Cosmetix eye pigments in Bubblegum Crisis, Phantasm, Revenge, and Bitch Slap.

Brushes below are a collection of Ecotools, Sonia Kashuk, and Essence of Beauty.

Now, on to the steps!

Step 1: Clean, naked face. I prefer to do my eyes first and then apply the rest of my makeup. Switch it up as needed.

Step 2: Primer. Smoosh it alll around the eye, up to the brow, and the lower lash line.

Step 3: Shadow base. I apply it with a brush, and then blend gently with clean (CLEAN!) fingers so that the end product is very soft.

Step 4: Gently pat Bubblegum Crisis along the inner half of your lid. Draw an imaginary line bisecting your pupil; stop at the line.

Step 5: Take a blurry toddler break.

Step 6: Pat the outer half of your eyelid with Phantasm. Don't worry yet about fallout.

Step 7: Blend, dahling! Blend! You don't want a definite line of demarcation, you want everything to flow together naturally. Blend and blend some more. I use the stubby floofy Ecotools brush above.

Step 8: Line, dahling! Line! My eyes have gone through hell and back lately, so with them being as sensitive and sore as they are, they don't much like me lining. Do a better job than I did.

Step 9: Using your pencil brush, apply Bitch Slap to your ducts and over your liner to set it. Blend outward as you go along the liner, so that there is a gradual fade into the plain black.

Step 10: Using a nice, soft, floofy brush (like my white Sonia Kashuk above,) pat on some Revenge along the upper side of your crease to the top of your ocular cavity or your brows, whichever you prefer. They're both the same for me. =P Once you have it on there, go back to your larger floofy brush, and blend bitchslap up into Revenge, and Revenge down into Bubblegum Crisis and Phantasm. Remember, NO HARSH LINES!!! If you can still see lines, blend more, using a back and forth motion for across your lid and up and down motion for highlight to lid/duct to highlight. Don't touch the bottom lash line.

Step 11: Apply Mascara. No, those are not faux lashes. Yes, they're really mine.

Step 12: Wipe off the fall out (I use baby wipes,) put on the rest of your face and something other than a ratty grandma robe like I'm wearing above, and go rock the look!

What to do?

2011-09-04T13:15:00.000-04:00

My post on Thursday centered on coping with the reality that is the other half of a blended family moving further than the other side of town. Compromise is KEY, I said. Open mind is KEY, I said.

Today, dear readers, I am not taking the high road. Chalk it up to the migraine, the cramps from Hell, or even just a pissy mood, but understand this: I'm about to bitch and complain.
b
StepMC and I spoke a while back, when we learned first that StepMC was hauling across country. I asked he+999-r if we could get the children together more often than just Pater Puerii's weekends, so that they could spend what time they had left together more often. Her response... heh. Hang on a moment, I need to mentally break a glass against a wall out of frustration.

Anyway, her response to me was non-committal. However, in the next sentence, she stated "I'd like them to have as much time as possible but if she gets used to seeing [Blueberry Nights], it may be harder when we move."

Now, that sentence is one big oxymoron, is it not?

She has been utterly unable to accommodate even a single play date with the children, but she has been able to move heaven and earth to spend as much time as possible with a playmate visiting from Australia.

Hold please, taking another moment to close my eyes and imagine myself throwing another glass against a wall.

She and I loathe each other. There is no secrecy to that. But Jesus God, you'd think that she'd make more of an effort for her daughter's sake, wouldn't you? Though, this isn't the first time her duplicity, lies, insanity and false promises have had a direct affect on my child. I can't imagine the hell it is on Pater Pueri to know that the woman who stole years from his other daughter is once again depriving her and throwing her love in the trash. Pater Pueri and I have no love lost on StepMC, since I have never liked her and he has never loved her. She can't hurt us in that way. Kinder Major, though, she hurts to the core. Over and over. I don't lie to my child when she asks why she doesn't get to see Blueberry Nights as much as she briefly did. I have explained that there is a difference between the adults, and StepMC is quite busy and unable to balance things any better. Even with that neutral explanation, though, Kinder Major comes to her own conclusions, and they're often correct.

I just lost my train of thought. Probably for the best. One can only bitch so much in one day, you know?

Bridging the gap: When blending families spans space and time

2011-09-01T01:12:00.000-04:00

I posted over at Tales of an Unlikely Mother recently about the art that is blending the American family these days. Now, here, I'm going to throw around some ideas for bridging the gap when moves, both physical and emotional, occur.

We have just learned that the beautiful Blueberry Nights will be leaving us for the other extreme of the country in a few short months. We were aware the move was occurring, just not that the time window had become so small.

So what now? We've worked so hard to make a strong beginning with our ragtag little family. It seems almost as though we're being rent asunder in this moment, as the emotions that ride high on the entire situation are as volatile as the jet fuel that will take her 12 hours from us by air.

We're not, though. We have a strategy, a plan, and a philosophy. And we're going to share it with you.

Like blending the family to begin with, we start with an open mind, and when we're calm we acknowledge that there may be good opportunities present for our wee Blueberry Nights when she leaves with her mother.

We set up a fund to ensure that airfare one way or the other will not be an issue. Obviously this is something that is fluid, and a backup. Backups are your friend, though.

We talk with the children and let them know that they're not "losing" their sister, only that we're saying "See you later!" for the time being. Never, ever, ever, ever discourage hope in your other children. Kinder Major is working through some serious grief over this, and it's crucial to her well being that she understand that this does not mean she will never see her sister again. It is also an unbreakable rule that the step in question not be bashed in front of the children, whether you agree with the separation or not.

Depending on how old your children are, they may understand that there was little choice in the matter, which is where we are with Kinder Major right now. She finds herself angry at StepMC, and while I do not contribute to her sentiments in spite of having concurrent ones, it's important for her to be able to work through that anger, and not feel like her emotions have been belittled. It's a frighteningly delicate line to toe, and one made twice as fragile by our own emotions.

PLAN. Involve the siblings in planning how it will go when their other sibling(s) come home. Kinder Major has thoroughly enjoyed and found joy in planning how Blueberry Nights' side of the room will be decorated, and how she plans to cook a day of celebratory meals in her sister's honor when she comes home to us again.

Talk about the other sibling. Don't hush hush it with the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy, as that only leads to bitterness and resentment later. Keep photographs, encourage laughter, allow tears, and roll with the punches.

Skype/gVideo/iPhone face time/whatever - and often! There's nothing to say that the siblings can't do the same as they did when blending the families to begin with. Let them talk as often as they want and time allows. Set up those live feed at ballet recitals and plays, the soccer games and scout ceremonies. Including the long-distance child and likewise, offer availability to be included.

As adults, decide on a family dynamic. Ours is "seamless." One word. Blueberry Nights will step off that plane and into our home like she never left, with hugs and kisses from MamaAccidentally, a snack, and a good book for an afternoon story. Pater Puerii will have his just-them time with her like he does with his other two children, and we will step in sync back into daily life as a family.

Lastly, the exact same philosophy that you took up when the family came together to begin with: Love begets love, and softens even the stoniest facades. Love, the true love of a family, can be felt a world away, let alone a mere country. Love hard, love freely, love often. It can only do everyone involved good.

Not-so-wordless Wednesday.

2011-08-24T01:17:00.001-04:00

Alrighty, it's well past midnight in some places. Today's wordless Wednesday brings photos of makeup. I have fallen in love with the indy Madd Style Cosmetix. I'm actually hoping to bring some makeup pictorials to Accidentally Mommy here soon. For now, though, have some photos of mah eyeballz. ;P MSC provides awesome and unique colors, professional ingredient disclosure, proper working environments with PPE and such, and amazing customer service. I use MSC pretty much exclusively on my eyes (and even a couple of colors on my lips,) and I can't recommend Mo more. She is an amazing one woman army!

Top purples: Inner to outer: Lex Pink (non MSC,) Pixie to Bitch Slap. Bottom three have inner to outer: Waffle to Jubilee with Sub Zero as a highlight to brow bone.

Tales to tell...

2011-08-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

It's wordless Wednesday, but I have an announcement to preface my photo du jour. I have a guest post up at Parentwin/Tales of an Unlikely Mother today! I've never been a guest writer before, and I'm about peeing myself with pride. Go check it out!

Birth thoughts.

2011-08-10T14:39:00.000-04:00

I have not one but THREE dear friends due to give light to their children within the next two months. It has made my ovaries twitch, and made me reflect on life.

A second panel for vWD was run on me recently, and it showed no abnormalities. In discussing this with my internist, she told me that I likely have a very mild mutation, which explains my tendency to bruise when the wind blows, but also explains why it doesn't always quant out in an ELIZA.

As much as I loved my last OB, he did what the first one did. He tractioned. I watched the clock - he gave me 15 minutes, and that's when he tractioned and I stopped just bleeding and began to gush.

I have informed Pater Puerii that we will be accidentally on purpose birthing at home. I will go to clinic, but I'll be damned if I let them almost kill me a third time.

In light of all of this, I send nothing but the most blessed thoughts toward my birthing friends. Congratulations in advance - you will have brought forth a beautiful little person into the light.

Shout-out Sunday!

2011-08-07T21:07:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sure you remember a while back when I blogged about restaurants banning children. I found myself in a similar situation, only it was MY kids, and we were all suffering the ill effects of having a vehicle break down in 106 degree fahrenheit weather, with two children in the car, no cell service, and nothing more than the occasional farm for civilization.

Once the tow truck came, we were deposited unceremoniously at the closest gas station while our car continued homeward. The kids and the parents spent a spectacular one? two? three? hours at said gas station. It happened to also contain a sub station.

I want to thank Queen Mab, Colonel Brandon, and all the other awesome employees for being so amazing. Queen Mab, the little fey she is, provided distraction for the kids, seeing how hot, tired, and mentally exhausted we adults were. Colonel kept the ship tight, not complaining when the children each tried to accidentally flood said sub station. Everyone else was equally as tolerant, kind, and helpful. Mab, if you're reading this, you truly saved our lives.

Thanks again, to all of the crew at that marsupial station!

Wordless Wednesday a bit late: Keeping the artist in me alive while coming up with a solution for a lack of present adornment.

2011-08-04T00:56:00.000-04:00

Thoughtful Thursday: An open letter.

2011-07-28T16:08:00.000-04:00

To whom it may concern:

I have to send you honest and heartfelt thanks. Without your duplicity, your psychosis, your abuse, your greed, your jealously... essentially, without all of your best qualities, I would not be where I am today.

Where is that, you ask? I'm delighted to tell you that I'm in the best place anyone who wants a family can be. I am in the arms of a man who truly fits the cliche "soul mate" bill. I have two beautiful children, one of which was his before he ever had one with you. We are embarking on a journey together that can only end in good things. We are no longer encumbered by your lies, or living in fear of retribution. We sits together at the dinner table over food that we've prepared as a team, with the children helping. We read to the children, and we send them off to sleep. Then, at some point thereafter, we sleep soundly in each other's arms.

Don't think that you haven't hurt us; you have. But by your fabrications, by the hurt you caused, you brought us together in the first place, when we had both long given up and written the other off as someone we were thankful to never know and wished we'd never met to begin with. We were wrong, plain and simple! We have laughed over and over that if we had been adult enough to try and continue our friendship when Kinder Major was conceived, that Blueberry Nights would be home with us, safe, no longer subject to your emotional and borderline physical abuse. Then, the sobering reality not that she could have been, but that there's little extra we can do for her, silences us. In our home, unlike in yours, there will be no delineation between half and whole. There will be no step. There is love, and only love. She will come to us as though she'd never left, with a snack on the table and some fun surprise planned to celebrate her joyous homecoming. Joyous. That is absolutely what it is. She is my soul mate's daughter, she is my daughter's sister. She will always, in every way, be welcomed and loved.

I'm unexpectedly bringing this to a close. I had a lot of other things I thought I wanted to say to you. Things about your lies, things about the people you've hurt. I changed my mind. I said thank you for bringing Pater Puerii and I together, and I told you I will always love his daughter. His daughter, his daughter, and his son. Children of my heart. With all of that said, with you knowing how appreciative I am for your deceit and your cruelty, I find myself done.

P.S. You should never have had the jaw surgery. At least beforehand, we thought it was the jaw that made you so incredibly unattractive. Now that it's been broken and moved forward? Yeah. You really are ugly, inside and out.

Happy Birthday, Blueberry Nights! (A little bit late.)

2011-07-14T00:18:00.001-04:00

Ladies of Light
and
Ladies of Darkness
and
Ladies
of
Never-
You-
Mind-

This is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl.

First, may you Ladies be kind.

Keep
her
from
Spindles
and
Sleeps
at Sixteen

Let her
stay
Waking
and
Wise.

This is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl.

(Poem excerpt from "Blueberry Girl" by Neil Gaiman, Illustrated by Charles Vess)

2011-07-04T01:13:00.000-04:00


"This button. Right here!"

He's so damn smart. By the end of the week, he was terrorizing Kinder Major and their cousin, monopolizing the mini John Deere for his own nefarious purposes.

That is where it gets some people. He doesn't LOOK sick. Most days he isn't. There are little things that stick out to anyone watching closely, though. At just a few months shy of his second birthday, he weighs less than his sister did at ten months old. He is just under the third percentile for height. His head, however, is charting at a whopping 30%. See? I told you he's smart.

The newest addition to our cast of misfit characters, we'll call him Pater Pueri, fiercely insists that there is nothing wrong with him, just like he fiercely insists that he is PP's own son, blood be damned. I love him for many many reasons, but those two may have been what sealed the deal for me all that time ago.

He's not incorrect in that assertion; there is nothing wrong with our son. Our son seems to be experiencing some... technical difficulties... if you will.

I posted a bit ago about the result of our visit with the genetics team, an appointment that was a year and two months in the making. There were no definite answers. That status... remains. Frustratingly.

Tonight is no different as frustration goes. I'm up, feeling unwell myself, and to occupy myself away from my own gastric distress, I sit and play armchair diagnostician, constantly asking myself "Okay, if this is another dead end, where do we go next? What do we try? Who do we see?"

My little Bug. He was conceived under less than stellar circumstances, and he hung with me through my body's silent but bloody coup d'etat, to be delivered unto me purple and surly-faced, leaving me utterly and endlessly smitten. His young life has been eventful, and will continue to be. My young life will grow gradually older, striving every minute to do for him what I simultaneously spend every minute doing for his sister: making sure that there is only the shadow of the universe's chaos that could sentence me to watching my little loves whisper away.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner (campsite!)

2011-06-10T00:16:00.000-04:00

First time primitive camping with an 18 month old and a six year old. Tips? Troubles? Mama has done the alone-in-the-woods-with-a-mechanical-pencil-and-some-rubbing-alcohol type stuff, but I've never done it with the kids. I find myself somewhat trepidatious, even though I have decent wilderness skills. I've never had to use them with the kids, though, and well... Accidentally Mommy would prefer not to rock the boat and end up Accidentally Needing Them.

Please... discuss in comments! I'm sure everyone has an anecdote if nothing else, of their own.

To eat, or not to eat (with kids?) That is the question.

2011-06-09T17:31:00.000-04:00

There's been a lot of banter for a long time now about when parents should take their children to restaurants, and what to do if their children become fussy, or worse- downright disruptive and rude. There have even been movements where certain restaurants who are not necessarily inappropriate for a family to dine in are banning children, not unlike the "if you're under four feet, you may not ride" signs you see at Splash Mountain.

I have two children. Snow white is often added in as the third, if not Blueberry Nights. I'd say I'm alone with them about 70% of the time, and we do go out to eat on a semi-regular basis. Now, with that said, I'd like you to watch the ABC clip from the show "What would you do?" about out of control kids in "family friendly" restaurants. Here's the linky.

I'm appalled on multiple counts. Number one, that a parent has become so overwhelmed that they cannot effectively deal with their children when they reach that point of meltdown. (Yes, I know those were actors, but none of us can deny that it happens every day.) Number two, I'm shocked that so many people voted to oust the family, instead of taking initiative. In this circumstance, I refer to the wait staff and managers.

Having worked in food service, one of the things that was always stressed to us as serve staff is diffuse, diffuse, diffuse. Now, obviously in certain circumstances there isn't much to be done. That said, there is always *something* to try, even if it's calling back to the kitchen for some nibblies on the house. And don't tell me there isn't always a way to do it... forgo your OWN nibblies. This isn't even for the childrens' sake. Take one long look at the parent, and if you see a human being at their breaking point, reach out with a lifeline.

The other thing that really, really upset me was the reaction of other parents, or people who otherwise worked with children.* (*not including the teacher at the end. She was awesome.)

Admittedly, there are often instances where it is inappropriate to scold or intervene in another child's circumstance. Here, though? Here is where you will see and have seen me do any of the following:

Offer distraction. Like I said, 2-4 kids at all times, I have a large supply of somewhat melty crayons, wrinkled paper, small toys, board books, and even some individually wrapped nibblies (GOD I love the word "nibblies,") at the bottom of my purse/bag. Talk to mom or dad first, of course, but if they give the go ahead? Dude. Matchbox cars and crayons can be replaced for less than a dollar. Share your distraction wealth, even if it means a quiet, impromptu story time with your "Who's nose is this?" book.

Quiet games! As always, check with mom or dad first, but if Thundercats Are Go, engage not only your own children, but theirs as well. I spy, Simon Says, hell... even Rock/Paper/Scissors are all great, especially since you're someone they don't know that wishes to pay attention to them. Under the age of ten, that is a HUGE moment, since they are still at the stage of psychological development that attention = praise, and many kids will happily join in to attain that praise.

For children that are older and engaged in downright destructive behavior, I've found that a quiet scolding that is non-ego-damaging can work, and work quickly. Most often, I go with "You know what? You are awesome, and I know your mama/daddy raised you to show how awesome you are, instead of acting/doing this. Could you show me why they think you're as special as you are?" It's praise more than scold, and it reminds them that their parents ARE proud of them, and that their behavior is perhaps not living up to the best qualities they possess. Now, that said, I live in the deep south. I've had neighbors/friends that told me it was okay to strap their kids' asses if necessary. Regardless of that, though - encourage good behavior with redirecting praise, and you generally won't get an objection from the overwhelmed and exhausted parent because you're NOT berating or punishing, you're acknowledging that their child has GOOD qualities, and you're able to see that through their rowdy behavior.

We're all in the same club, ya'll. We have created and brought forth these tiny people with their own tiny personalities, egos, strengths and weaknesses. We are all playing by ear, because none of us have a manual on how to shape our little beings into successful adults. Therefore, shouldn't we all work together to ad lib the manual when we find a club member who is struggling?

Regardless of what anyone else will say or do, I'd like you to know that I will always, always try to lend you a hand when you need it.

Accidentally Mommy

Orange you glad I didn't say bananna?

Why didn't *I* think of that?

MmmmCocoa!

Full Frontal Makeuping

Atomic Honey-Tiger, quick and dirty

It's okay to be okay.

Dragonfly Jubilee

You are very wise, little Grasshopper.

Shady's back.

Happy Thanksgiving: an eye tutorial for Cranberry Sass!

Giving thanks

Update your reading list!

When life hands you lemons...

What to do?

Bridging the gap: When blending families spans space and time

Not-so-wordless Wednesday.

Tales to tell...

Birth thoughts.

Shout-out Sunday!

Wordless Wednesday a bit late: Keeping the artist in me alive while coming up with a solution for a lack of present adornment.

Thoughtful Thursday: An open letter.

Happy Birthday, Blueberry Nights! (A little bit late.)

Nobody puts Baby in a corner (campsite!)

To eat, or not to eat (with kids?) That is the question.

Why didn't I think of that?