So today is a great time to open up to yourself and figure out what you would have done differently. Feel free to share at the forum if you have some good advice for others — especially in the realm of accountability to others or responsibility to people you forget you are responsible to.

My list of what I would have done differently — and am already actually doing — is as follows:

1. Spend more time with family, really.
2. Spend more time meeting new people just once.
3. Learn and memorize 3 out of 12 of my neighbor’s full names, and everyone in their house.
4. Shave more often (Business partner Christos tells me I look like a homeless guy!)
5. Take customers out to dinner more often.
6. Buy more gold.
7. Buy more silver.
8. Give more gold and silver away as presents.
9. Stop hounding my friends with “I told you so.”
10. Find more friends to set up for the “I told you so.”
11. Publish more posts, stop saving them in the “Saved Drafts” folder.
12. Sell the third car.
13. Stop “buy” bets on the craps table, stick to pass line + odds and come bets with odds.
14. Clean out my pipe more often (stinky).
15. Change my own oil, for real (won’t happen).
16. Get a smaller refrigerator, get rid of one kitchen cabinet.
17. Get out the “don’t vote” earlier in the year.
18. Stop fighting with various Pastors in the area when they come across my opinions.
19. Rip out all my closets and replace them with smaller armoires — less clothing, more space.
20. Change the bulbs more often rather than stumble around in the dark completely.

So what would you have done differently, and what are you actually doing? Discuss it at the accountability and responsibility forum.

The most recent time I heard it was at the top of the 2 week period. A friend I haven’t talked to much over the past 3 years called me up out of the blue and asked if I’d go with him to spend a “free” US$250 credit he received from a local casino that he hasn’t gone to in 6 months. From what I know of him, he goes to play video poker about every quarter, and spends a few grand playing. I’m fairly certain that he’s broken even over the long run.

Since my budget in November didn’t allow for cash out of my own pocket for gambling, I gladly accepted to grab $100 of his credit to sit on a video poker machine next to him, just to talk for a few hours. I don’t play video poker unless it is for pure social reasons — while it is fun, it isn’t the form of gambling I like most (I only like social interaction, not “winning.”). My friend, though, loves video poker. Unfortunately, he plays terribly — but the way he plays also fits into why he seems to hate his life.

Originally, I had typed up my recollection of our discussions intending to just post it as a one-shot article. Instead, I broke it down into about a dozen topics, and decided to post them one at a time as a mini-series titled the Definition of Living. It seems that different people look at living differently, but the way I look at is the rarest. I’d like to change that, at least for the readers here.

My friend (Eric) has a decent job making a little over US$60,000 a year. He lives in a nice house (worth probably US$300,000 at the peak of the housing bubble). He has a nice wife, two kids, two nice cars, and really seems from the outside to have it all together. But as many readers know, keeping up appearances is more the standard today than is truly being “together.”

Eric told me he hates his job — he works about 42 hours a week, 49 weeks a year, plus almost 10 hours a week in driving. His vacation time is 3 weeks but he takes it in pieces, a little here and a little there. I believe he said his family has taken 3 1-week vacations in 5 years. I know he doesn’t get any time with his extended family, even though they all live within an hour drive of him or less. Eric told me his marriage is shakey — he never gets to spend quality time with his wife, who takes care of the kids as well as works a part-time job. He never gets to spend time for himself doing what he likes to do, other than the video poker days he used to take every so often. I’m not sure he even has a hobby. As I watched him push the “Deal” button over and over, I kept thinking about how much his life is like his gambling style.

Eric was playing $1 bets on single hands on a machine that accepted 25 cents, 50 cents and $1 bets. He was playing conservatively, playing as if he were in a real poker game trying to just get the best hand for the win. There were times he was up by a little bit, and down by a lot. I was sitting on my machine, betting 25 cents a hand but playing the max bet (5 times 25 cents). I wasn’t playing conservatively, I was only looking for the best payout — the Royal Flush. A few times I saw that he had a KQJ, all suited, but he dropped the J and tried for 2 pair or a full house. If I get that hand, you better believe I’m going to risk losing that hand for the opportunity for the 800:1 payout on a max-bet royal flush. $1.25 per hand on my end for 800:1 versus $1 on his hand for 400:1. Royal flushes are rare (about every 9000 hands I believe), but I’ve hit them enough in my rare video poker runs to know that they’re not THAT rare. I didn’t hit one, but I hit enough straights and flushes to set me above his take at the end (which I gave to him, since it wasn’t my money).

Eric also plays life conservatively — he is employed, and I am self-employed. He has a boss, I am my boss. He has a preset work schedule for a preset salary, I have a variable schedule and a variable income. His life allows him to take no risks, but the reward is slim. My life is all about calculated risks, and the rewards have outpaid the failures. He just wants to win against every other hand in the game of life, I want to hit the jackpot even if there are losses along the way. Life isn’t a gamble for all, but for those willing to take the risk, the reward is obvious. Life isn’t like a casino, though — the odds aren’t against you since there are so few actually pursuing the jackpot actively.

I was looking at Eric’s life breakdown the other day when I was rewriting these articles, and I realized that life isn’t easy for him. He has a nice house (3 bedroom, 2 bath), but his mortgage is extreme. On his US$300,000 loan and home equity line, he’s paying about US$1900 a month in housing debt. That’s about US$1525 a month in interest going into his 5th year of ownership. If my calculations are correct, he still owns US$270,000 on a house that will fall in value due to the over-inflation of the housing market. For 5 years, he basically rented from a bank, except the bank didn’t pay for maintenance and taxes. I know what his taxes are thanks to Cook County, Illinois’ property tax assessor’s webste: he’s paying about US$3100 a year. Including homeowner’s insurance, he’s paying about US$2300 a month to live there, or about 38% of the gross household income. Ouch. Even worse, 31% of his gross household income goes to interest, taxes and insurance — not including maintenance. No wonder he’s unhappy.

Eric makes fun of my living situation: owning multiple mobile homes rather than a tract home (they’re built similarly, but my primary mobile home is twice as efficient as his house is, if not 3x as efficient). I live in 1200 square feet right now, versus his 1600 square feet (plus he has a basement to store all his junk in). My monthly cost of living is US$500 for lot rent, US$8 for property taxes and US$18 for very good insurance — about 8.7% of his gross annual income. I can buy a mobile home today in my owner-occupied modern middle-class mobile park for under US$8000 as a “walk-away” where the owner needs to move but can’t easily because he has a lease to get out of and a mobile home to sell. Mobile home sales can be finnicky unless you have the funds to owner-finance. Most owners don’t. US$8000 is what Eric’s family pays in just interest alone over 5/6 months.

I’m not embarassed about my living situation — I used to be when I lived in a huge house 2 miles away from my mobile home community. I couldn’t really afford it, but it was huge and everyone was jealous of me until they all upgraded to even bigger homes. Now they’re jealous of me because they can’t keep up with that lifestyle. I’m not jealous of anyone because I know my life revolves around reaping what I sow — when I screw up, it costs me down the line if I am greedy or stupid. There’s an old adage that you can’t drive your home but you can live in your car. I CAN drive my home if I need to. I can even walk away from it entirely and let the community take it to auction off. It isn’t a big concern. While Eric continues to try to draw full houses in his poker machine, slowly watching his nut/nest-egg run dry, I am able to play riskier on grabbing that Royal Flush, and if my nut runs dry, it won’t put me out of business since it isn’t my nest-egg, too.

I keep thinking of taking a long hiatus for a year to focus on my faith ministry and on my writing. I figured I could do it, balance some of that off-time by working on new business skills, and coming back to the market a year or two down the line refreshed and more efficient through learning new tricks of the trade. I’m already halfway there, significantly cutting my customer-base down and my free time higher. I haven’t felt a big financial burden from diminishing my income, but I have felt a huge spiritual lift from not being so profit-focused. Rather than hoping for a 5% raise as Eric does, I cut my income by 30% but cut my expenses by 92%. I feel about 6 times wealthier because of it. My friends still laugh behind my back (and to my face), because they’re happy with the full houses and the two-pairs that life deals them. But soon, those full-houses and two-pairs turn into a dry-streak, and the lack of Royal Flushes and Straight Flushes means that their nest-egg is gone.

So what is a person to do that is 35 years old, with 33% of their work years behind them but another 25 years of payments to make to be debt-free? I believe the first step is to get rid of pride — it is pride that turns into ego that turns into risky life choices that can ruin your future free time and happiness. Think about what everyone else is probably paying for what they have, and you might see that they’re not being honest about their stability, too. When they say that the equity in their home is their best investment, remind them that they’re probably paying 90% to interest and 10% to equity — and that they don’t have a free-and-clear title to anything, so they really don’t own a majority of anything. That’s not pride at that point, it is a horrific gamble. It is like dropping a AKQJ suited hand with an unsuited 4, in order to try to get a pair of 4’s that win nothing. It is easy to say that you were hope for 4-4’s after the fact, to cover up that you really didn’t realize well in advance that your definition of living is “just getting by and hoping things get better.”

The articles of this series are:
1. “I can’t do it anymore.”
2. The balance of living.
3. The reality of time preference.
4. The future is usually the same as the past.
5. How to make big changes that don’t feel huge.
6. How to focus on reality versus fakeness when dealing with others.
7. A simple 10-step plan for an 18 year-old just starting out.
8. A moderate 10-step plan for a 26 year-old who is on the verge of prideful living.
9. A much-needed 10-step plan for a 34 year-old who is fearful of the future.
10. Why it might be too late for the 42 year-old who lived beyond their means and still does.

Eric CAN do it, but he just can’t do it the way that he IS doing it. He has to do something, and I hope that these articles can help. Few will agree with them, but I hope that if your life starts to head in Eric’s direction, you might recall where to find the archive and put it to good use. Even better, I’d love to hear how you balance certain thoughts behind my reasoning for how I define living. Discuss it at the accountability and responsibility forum.

By A.B. Dada
—

One of our closests friends Rebecca Georgakis passed away this morning peacefully after a 4 year battle with brain cancer. She was in her early 20s, and married to one of my closest friends and oldest business partner, Christos. They have been married just short of one year.

This is one of those situations that brings tears to my eyes for two reasons: out of love for the family, and out of selfishness in my own life. I can not imagine losing my closest friends and loved ones so early in their lives. My significant other and I argue just like anyone — but not over money or over time or over infidelity or any of the usual suspects. We usually disagree over economics and politics (ha!). Today’s a great day to put that to bed.

Rebecca was a great woman who fulfilled her husband and her home perfectly. Christos told me that he was prepared for this happening, considering that Rebecca lived 3 years longer than any doctor had expected her to. Their short relationship together was an example I wish I had lived myself in my 20s, when work and fun and profit were my only goal.

I pray that Rebecca rests in peace, but as I said before the loss of a loved one can bring incredibly selfish feelings for me, too. In the past 6 months my outlook on life has changed completely: rather than focus on profits and growth and gains, I’ve focused on finding ways to cut back on what I want, which helps me cut back on what I need, so that I can focus on what others want and need. The best way to love someone is in a peaceful way — but I haven’t been able to fully grasp that ideal.

I’m not a parent, but how does a parent truly love in peace without being forceful towards their children? Is the use of force by a parent (punishment, judgement, discipline) appropriate in terms of the child’s future welfare? My parents never punished me, they never judged me and they never disciplined me. I had a rocky late teen/early 20s, but I ended up very self-reliable and encouraged by my personal goals. What do you parents do to balance the love versus the desire to control (for their welfare)?

Is there any love in your life today that you’re frustrated with, that you’ve burned bridges with, or that you’ve cut off communications with? Why? Is it because they won’t live the way you want them to live? Is it because they’ve hurt you in some way?

In the past 6 months I’ve been reading a lot of religious books (not just the New Testament of the Bible) and I’m repeatedly shocked by the example of love throughout all the books. I’m disgusted by the Christian community and church because of their lack of motivation to love others rather than judge and control them. I’m seeing families fall apart over false doctrines and creeds (and cults). I don’t think the way church is run today is how the Bible intended it to, but I also am having problems finding even one soul out there who agrees with me, so Occam’s Razor probably means I’m wrong. My heart and mind and soul won’t give up my new way of thinking, though.

Lately I have been focused on running VIPMinistry.com — a full-service print and media services company for houses of worship. We’re a not-for-income company, meaning we don’t charge for our labor, we don’t offer any profit, and we don’t even bill our “clients” for what they use and want. The most humbling experience in life is to be able to try to meet the needs of others no matter what they ask for. I believe it is a relief to the soul to love others in peace, even if we disagree with them. The fact that I am happier lately than I’ve ever been in my life is a testament to the fact that serving others CAN be a positive, even if it doesn’t satisfy our desires for things or savings or free time.

How do you love in peace? Discuss at the accountability and responsibility forum.

Last Thursday was The Freaky Blonde’s birthday (33 shhh). We had her family over (her mom and brother) for cake (which I couldn’t have more than a bite of) and pizza (ibid). Her brother Jay is 27, but he has some very special needs and has the mental capacity of a 3 year old. Hilarious kid, though, because he definitely acts like a man in some situations — especially when the ladies at his church are showing legs. I guess sin runs through everyone’s blood, even those who are socially ostracized and can’t really comprehend it.

Jay gets very excited (he is prone to seizures and panic attacks), but his medication usually keeps him very stable. With her birthday song and cake candles, though, the poor guy couldn’t handle things. After the cake was cut up and placed on plates on the table, he froze up, yelled out a moan, seized up his muscles and went falling over, into the table of cake plates and forks. He hit the 12″-off-the-floor table with a huge thud and rolled off of it. That’s when 911 was called, and that’s when my CPR training went into effect. Hitting the table at that angle could have broken his back, so caution was due while I also managed calling 911 (the two ladies were both in shock from the 30 second changeover and accident).

After carefully rolling him onto his back, he had no breathe and no pulse. I checked his pulse in 3 locations and didn’t even feel a light one, and he started turning blue right away. The entire time I was getting yelled at by the ladies (who were freaked out of their heads) to tell the ambulance to hurry up — as if the lady on the other end of the line wasn’t working her hardest. Calling 911 from a cell phone put me in touch with the local 911 dispatcher, who happened to be from the same zip code as we lived in but a different town. Big mistake; our 911 dispatch and fire station is in another town with another zip code and much closer than the town we share a zipcode with. After spending about 60 seconds telling the dispatcher that, I was finally forwarded to the proper one who sent the bus on its way. I attended to Jay, who was definitely not breathing or showing a heartbeat, and proceeded to give him CPR for about 60 seconds at which point he took his first breath and color slowly returned to his face.

The paramedic bus got lost in our culs-de-sac. We live in a cul-de-sac that is sort of within another one (every street has the same basic name going in 3 different directions), so I sent TFB and her mom outside to flag them down. Jay stopped breathing and lost his strong pulse again, so I proceeded to giving him CPR one more time in hopes of just keeping oxygen going to his brain.

The ambulance arrived just as he started breathing again, and the men running the game were unbelievably ignorant of the situation. The last time I had to deal with an emergency, I called 911 and then called a private ambulance company — the private company actually came 3 minutes faster! I was shocked to see an upper-class suburban emergency service take as long as it did; even driving my normal speed, I can reach their building in about 5 minutes, not 12.

Jay was rushed to the hospital, where an overnight stay showed me the reality of all the public facilities that I think we all need to see on a regular basis. Jay’s disability allows him to collect medicare (or medicaid) insurance for emergencies. His mother could not afford him otherwise, but it has been an endless debate about how he should be cared for by his church and his direct family (including myself!). The hospital was told that he had federal government coverage, which is where the lack of care began.

Through the next 5 hours Jay was seen by 1 doctor, but 3 doctors made recommendations for X-rays, MRIs and other tests that weren’t needed. He received an X-Ray to confirm that his spine wasn’t injured (it wasn’t) and then he was basically ignored for hours and hours and hours. Jay must take his medication every 8 hours, but repeated requests for the nurse or doctor to administer them went unanswered. Food wasn’t available, and the nurse wanted to administer an anti-panic medication to his IV without looking at his medical history and drug interaction (he is already on heavy doses of anti-panic and anti-seizure medications). No one wanted to service him, even though the hospital was VERY quiet that night.

The 5 hours turned into 16, and finally morning arrived when his general practictioner showed up in fear. She checked his stats and read over his charts and 5 minutes later said he should have left the day before — he likely had a small virus that he wasn’t able to explain to his mother, and he was weak from having the cold. When he hit the table after the panic attack, it was only because he was weak from the cold and he had knocked his breath out during the fall — but he stopped breathing because it was how his body reacted to the scare.

I’m not a fan of hospitals, anymore, because of the government restrictions and regulations placed on them. Hospitals don’t seem to be there to treat the sick in an emergency; they seem to be there to treat those who are unwilling to pay for health insurance.

On top of all the excitement, I picked up a bug of my own from being in the hospital. I’ve been confined to bedrest since yesterday, and just now snuck into the office to check my e-mail. How is it that a clean area like a hospital is the only place I have repeatedly gotten sick from (other than international flights)? Does it have something to do with the overall financial loss that a hospital is forced to accept, through federal and state regulations?

The point of this article is to be aware and responsible about 5 things:

1. Learn CPR. Re-train every few years.
2. Scope out which fire department is closest to you and request it when calling 911. Don’t demand it, just let the person know you need “Citysville Fire Station #11″ and let them find the fastest responder. Had I known the number, I believe I’d have cut the response time down by 6 minutes.
3. If there is an emergency, send an extra person out to the nearest busy street to flag down the emergency responders — especially if you live on confusing roads.
4. Don’t rub your eyes, pick your nose or scratch your ears if you’re in a hospital — you’re guaranteed to get sick.
5. Don’t be afraid to demand faster service if you have a loved on in an emergency room. They’re required by law to treat the worst situations first, but you’ll usually be able to see who is sitting around doing nothing when things are slow. Flag them down and nicely ask for an update. The last ER visit I had to make for a family member, they were in their bed 12 hours before being attended to. The nurse actually admitted off the record that this family member was basically forgotten.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.

Self storage is, to me, one of the most obvious signs that someone is heading in the direction of financial problems. I attempted to use self-storage once: after 3 months of paying the fees I realized it was better to sell everything on eBay than store it. If I needed to use something I sold, it was cheaper to rent than it was to store. In the years since I tried self-storage, I haven’t needed one item that I was storing. Not once.

What is it that has captivated society to needing more and more self storage? What are we buying that we can’t use right now in our lives, but that we might need some day? Cheap Asian clothes? Cheap electronics? Furniture? Our houses are getting bigger and bigger, so it must just mean that we’re addicted to buying but not addicted to using what we buy.

When my friend moved from Milwaukee to Houston 2 months ago, he had to hit 5 self-storage facilities to move all the stuff that he and his wife had stored. 5 facilities! They averaged US$50 per month in rental costs, which comes to US$3000 a year down the toilet. Before taxes we’re looking at over US$4000 per year of income ($2 per hour wages) down the toilet. It just made no sense.

I asked him about it — “What are you storing that you need so bad?” After fumbling through some words to try to explain what they had, he ended up saying “We don’t know, but we know we’ll need something!” If you store it for 10 years and don’t use it, there is nothing that you couldn’t buy for the US$30,000 (plus interest) he wasted on storage. He could even build a wing on his house cheaper. Then again, this friend used two full moving trucks to move all his belongings, and I know his garage and basement were top to bottom filled with unnecessary junk. How someone can move their junk is beyond me, that’s what garage sales and yard sales are for.

If you’re using self-storage, analyze if it is worth it. See why you can’t store it at home, and if you’re overloaded at home and at storage, confirm that you’re actually using everything you’re putting in the closets. If you need incentive to work through your stored junk, take the doors off the closets and empty all your drawers. Force yourself to sell, give away or junk anything that you don’t use at least once a season. If you can’t recall the last time you used something, why are you spending the money paying the mortgage or rent to store the item? If you’re keeping it for memory’s sake, consider cutting back on your endless boxes of memories and just keep a few items. I have a few friends who live in the past because they can’t get rid of anything — they’re losing their futures by hanging on too tightly.

Don’t become a self-storage addict; the financial concerns are just the tip of the iceberg. Too much junk = too much clutter = too much stress. Feel like you life’s a mess? Look in the closet, and look in the closets that aren’t even in your own home. You might be surprised.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.

When coupon-clipping has saved me the most has generally been in large purchases. I especially like preferred customer cards — Best Buy’s offers 3% cash back and we use it on all our purchases (and any family member who doesn’t belong to the program). Over a year we’ll get back almost US$500 in gift certificates based on all the purchases we convert from people we know.

Yet lately we’re trying a new idea. Many times during the week we’ll find ourselves unsure of exactly what to do. Since I now work primarily out of my home, getting out of the house more regularly is important. For a while, though, getting out of the house has been expensive as we’d go “window” shopping (spending money on things we didn’t need) or go to a restaurant (when we could have eaten at home). Now our new coupon-hunting time spent at home does double duty — it also helps us plan what we’ll do in the days and weeks ahead.

I picked up a simple little filing sleeve made of plastic. It has 15 8×5″ x 5″ sleeves and cost about US$7 at the office supply store. I labeled each file sleeve with a day of the week, starting on Sunday and going through the second Saturday. Using a dry erase marker I’ll also write the actual date next to each day of the week — planning for 2 weeks ahead or so.

When we sit down and spend our 1 hour a week or so looking through all the coupon mailers and online site coupons that we found, we plan our schedule around the savings. We find numerous restaurant coupons (up to 40% off sometimes) and a crazy amount of grocery coupons. We also find car maintenance coupons, travel and entertainment coupons, and the rest. We just dump the coupon right into the file on the particular day we plan on using it, and we’re set. Sometimes we’ll throw in coupons we’re only partially interested in — just in case we might find an hour or two free and want to head out of the house.

We’ve been following this trial for 3 weeks now and I am surprised at how much we’ve saved above our budget — almost US$170 in 3 weeks. We’ve prioritized certain days as “Go to this town” day, and we even prioritize each day’s coupons in the order of need: groceries and things that need chilling are put at the end of that particular file. For restaurants, if we don’t use a particular coupon on a given day, we can move it to another day as long as the coupon isn’t expired.

Coupon expiration is usually ignored by most retailers and restaurants, but this filing system also allows us to toss coupons that we know we can’t use, and when we come across them, we don’t have to even look if they’re still valid.

While we’re still working out the bugs — and finding new features — this system is working great for us and I can’t wait to see how much time and money we end up saving by combining two of our trickiest acts into one, with both acts helping one another. By managing your schedule and your coupons into one process, you’ll likely see even more savings than doing just one or the other, or both separately.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.

As I get older (and wiser?), I start to realize that the best way to prevent the passing-of-the-buck is to understand from the start what you should be responsible for and what others should be responsible for. In more and more of my daily responsibilities, if I am relying on others, I will let them know in advance. In the past few years, the number one reason for my biggest failures is not because I didn’t watch things close enough, but because I didn’t set the situation up properly from the start. When I have to rely on the jobs of others now, I let them know in advance what the expectations will be, and I also inquire for their views on what they expect of me.

Yet there are times that we forget to properly set up who is responsible for what in a given relationship. Some times the worst problems start because of what a person expects of another — without discussing those expecations though, the chance to err is wide open. And in those situations when we’re so comfortable with another person that we don’t discuss responsibility, we see the biggest break-ups and relationships destroyed. Parents and children, husbands and wives and siblings that see relationships fall apart often come to those break-ups because of what is thought of as the irresponsibility of one party (or both).

In the past 5 years I have recovered more relationships due to discovering my own irresponsibilities, but I am starting to see some of those relationships start to fall apart because the other party hasn’t discovered their share of problems. In one such situation, a close family member refuses to accept their mistakes over the past decade, and we’re getting to the point of not being able to fulfill a happy relationship because of the dark cloud of irresponsibility. Yet what does one do when the time to address responsibility passed years (or decades) earlier, and the lack of accountability in the relationship can not be fixed?

It is particularly this situation that I am dealing with that makes me realize how important it is to discuss the responsibility/accountability needs of both parties in any relationship — and do it early. If a person you are becoming close to refuses to have the discussion, you should realize that the years of time you are investing into the relationship might end up in a terrible break-up. In the recent 5 years that I have recovered lost relationships, I have also realized that some active ones were taking more time and energy without a positive side: the people I was dealing with were unable to accept any accountablity for their actions. The least painful thing I could do was to just end the relationship and be honest about it. Sometimes this ending can be painful — especially if the person is a loved one or family. Yet we also see that the best way to help someone can often times be walking away from them until they are ready to accept responsibility for their actions.

That responsibility is not just being happy for what they did correct, but blameworthiness for what they did incorrectly. The only way to be truly responsible and accountable is to be able to open yourself up for criticism but also be open to setting the roles in the relationship early on.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.

While we still go on roadtrips, they’re now sponsored by those who pay me to visit. Can’t beat that. I’ve cut back significantly on spending when I go out, but we still socialize at some local chophouses (where I work on spreading the cause of freedom and selling some of my written works). These socializing events usually end up profitable as I’ll pick up a customer or sell a book.

Looking back over the years, I believe one of the biggest reasons why it is so hard to stay at home is sheer boredom. Sitting on the couch and watching TV gets boring really quickly, even if you love the shows. Sitting and talking to someone you’ve known over a decade isn’t easy if you’re not good talkers, and becoming good talkers isn’t easy if you’re always in each others’ faces all day and have nothing new to talk about.

What do you do to destroy the boredom of being at home with the person/people you love?

In my experience, the biggest creator of boredom is the TV. I highly recommend unplugging it or even turning off the cable for a week (tell the cable company you’re going “on a vacation” — from cable). You’ll be amazed at how quickly your life will change from couch surfing to doing something productive.

There are numerous things to do that can turn a boring 4 hour evening into a fun one. Something as basic as picking weeds together can be a hilarious event if you create a prize for whoever picks the most weeds. The battle to grab that dandelion you both spotted 10 feet away can bring about loud laughter — enough to scare the neighbors. Weed-picking sounds boring, but creating fun out of boredom can be done, as long as its not the TV. Drinking games don’t count.

Cooking together is also a fun way to get rid of boredom, but the big problem with cooking is the eating afterwards. The best way I’ve found to make cooking fun is for both people to each go out and buy one secret item they’ll bring to the kitchen that night. Sit at the PC together for a 1/2 hour and find something you can make that incorporates both items. I also like to see how little we can cook and still make it look appetizing — dressing a plate together in a professional manner is also fun. Hint: you’ll use a towel often to clean up the plate to look nice.

If you’re addicted to shopping, a battle of thrift can be fun. We’ve regularly hit the malls and the big box stores with one thing in mind: to find the absolute cheapest item in the store that the other person would actually wear or use. One night we spent 5 hours running around a huge mall only to end up each spending less than U$1 each. It was even more hilarious because we decided to leave our cell phones in the car and try to find each other without setting a deadline time to meet.

If you’ve got a close and friendly couple, many of these boredom-reducing ideas can work even better with 4 (especially if its guys versus girls or if you’re comfortable enough to swap partners for the adventure). You don’t need to spend money to have fun, and you don’t need the TV to introduce creativity in your lives. One thing that I can guarantee as an outcome from random cheap adventures is a much better love life as well as a stronger emotional bond.

Do you have a way to reduce boredom in the household? Share it at the accountability and responsibility forum.

I know some of us regulars here are thrifty to the point of being cheap, but when it comes to “splurging” on items, what item do you spend more on than “normal” people do? Is there an item or a bunch of items where cost is less important than quality or need fulfillment?

I have 5 items that I will spend money on IF quality is there. Some of these items actually pay for themselves ten times over very quickly, so they’re an investment rather than a loss.

For me, the 6 items are:

1. A carry-all bag
2. A man-bag
3. A set of appointments (”pens”)
4. Paper and envelopes
5. Shoes/belt/cufflinks
6. Watch

I carry a lot of stuff that is very important to my business and my persona. I can be “always on the go,” needing to get on a flight out of town in hours, making it important to have my necessary items with me all the time.

The items I carry all the time are: cell phones (2), laptop, PDA, GPS antenna, chargers, appointments (pens), ink, paper, envelopes, business cards, bill-payment file, day-timer and USB cables of all sorts. I use all these items every day, so being without them could literally kill a job or contract if the item I need isn’t available. I can sell a project immediately by having the tools with me — my PDA has won me jobs because of quick access to information. The carry-all I use now is a Swiss Army logod fabric bag, about US$80 at Best Buy or any big box store. The thing is bullet proof and has enough pockets to fit everything conveniently, plus the laptop area is well padded and can be opened so that I can use the laptop without taking it out. The only downside to the Swiss Army bag is that there is no appointment holder — I like to keep my fountain pens vertical. I had to have one stitched in to hold my writing tools.

Sometimes I don’t want to carry all this heavy stuff when I’m just local, so I generally leave my carry-all in the car. For the basic stuff (appointments, paper, ink, envelopes, business cards, PDA and cell phone), I have a man-bag that I carry with me. It offers me very fast access to all that I need in a tiny bag that really fits my person well. My man-bag is a Cole Haan leather bag (picture coming) that runs about US$400. It is actually made by Medium, a customer leather shop, and sold at some Cole Haan stores. Each bag is fairly unique — you’ll never see the same one twice. While expensive, it is so well made that you can’t find anything at any price that matches. It is also the only man-bag I have seen with a proper design — the cell phone holder is actually on the strap and sits at about pec-level. It holds my writing tools and has numerous file separators so that I can sort my paperwork quickly. It even has a PDA holder and a variety of small pockets for the little junk that accumulates. The bag is VERY sharp and very masculine and suits my body structure perfectly.

A good appointment or pen is important for any entrepreneur or upcoming man. I strongly recommend going all out once you find a design that fits you; learning to write well is also very important for continuing relationships with business and friends. My current pen is a Parker Duofold which runs around US$350 for the newest model. Parker came out with the Duofold line in the 20s, and this pen fits my hand perfectly and the 18 karat nib lets me write smoothly with absolutely no hand cramping or delay. I can write for hours without tiring out my hand. I use the Pelikan blue ink with a little addition (secret) color to make a unique ink color that everyone recognizes as me.

I also carry custom paper and envelopes that I purchase from Paper Source. I use this amazing gold paper and envelope set (about 50 cents for a single sheet of card stock and the matching envelope). Because I’m known as a gold bug, the gold paper fits me well. I write about 1 letter a day average and I stick to it. I went shopping today for a new set of shoes and a belt, and the salesman was amazing. Once I got home I wrote a thank you note on my paper and addressed it to the store manager. Taking care of those who take care of you is very important, more so than a tip or just a voiced thank-you. I also follow up with thank you cards to customers and anyone I meet who helped my day or my life. I would estimate that the thank you cards have accounted for more income than anything else in my life.

Good shoes and a matching belt are really important for me in business. I dress “alternative” or “trendy-trash” most of the time (jeans, T-shirt, beanie, etc). Having some nice business shoes and a belt really finishes the look, and I’ve been complimented many times by customers with a lot more wealth than I have. They say that clothes make the man, but I believe it is more about accessories than just dress. I’ve been in meetings with some very powerful businessmen, still dressed in jeans and a (nice) T-shirt. I’ve always been invited back, and even though it is my business knowledge that gets me in the door, it is the visible display of class that seems to put me in the heads of those making the final decision on a project. My favorite leather shoes are from Aldo and are very reasonable, my recent purchase was around US$125 for a matching set of shoes and a belt.

When I wear dress shirts, I always wear them with French cuffs — the kind of short you need to wear cufflinks with. I love a good tailored shirt and I rarely by off-the-rack (my physique requires slim-fit shirts which are harder and harder to come by thanks to the obesity of Americans). I can buy a great shirt cheap, but accenting it with cufflinks really makes the look. I’m an oddity even beyond cufflinks, though, as I prefer the silk knot over metal cufflinks. Most metal cufflinks are cheap and wear down very quickly, looking terrible in just a few wears. When I purchase cufflinks I buy them for life — usually 18K solid gold or even platinum. A good set of cufflinks will set you back US$250 for a good 12 gram set, but the prices go up as the price of gold goes up. 22K solid gold cufflinks run about US$350 and are an even better purchase, but they can wear a bit quicker. I like the look of the wear and I love the value of the gold within. Platinum cufflinks are my least favorite but they’re very sharp — also very expensive. My only set of platinum cufflinks would cost around US$700, today, but are a great accessory that will last forever and mostly hold its value. All my cufflinks have appreciated between 200 and 300% in a few years. I still prefer the silk knot, but it depends on the overall outfit.

The last item is also an important item that doubles as an investment — the gold watch. I only wear 18K-22K solid gold watches, but I don’t like the typical “man” sized watch — way too big, and way too flashy. For me, I prefer to find a good woman’s sized watch with a man’s watchband (eel, leather, ostrich, alligator or snakeskin). My current watch is the “ladies” Corum $10 Gold Piece watch. This watch is around US$11,500 new but you can get it used on eBay for around US$3500-US$4500. This watch has appreciated in value like crazy as it was purchased new for about US$1500 just a decade ago. Any good gold watch should go up in value and should also set you apart from the rest of the business world. My reasoning for the smaller ladies watch is to not flaunt wealth but to also have something to talk about — the Corum men’s watch is way too big and flashy, but both watches have quite a history. Corum almost didn’t make the watch because the U.S. government made it illegal to modify or destroy gold coins. Corum negotiated with the U.S. government for a very long time in order to make these watches, which are made from 2 real U.S. gold coins that are milled out for the insides to be added. The coins are 22K with the frame in 18K solid gold.

These are items that I feel are important to splurge on — most of these items have paid for themselves 10 times over in jobs I’ve won because of the way I’ve embedded myself in the minds of others. I sell my jobs “outside the box” which gets me in the door, but it is creating the right image that helps to secure future business.

You won’t see me in a flashy car (I drive a 96 Corolla) or a flashy home. You won’t see me chasing brand name junk items that could be sold as a knockoff for 10% of the price but still be the same quality. You won’t see me splurging on items that don’t last forever and don’t usually increase in value. You will see me picking the items that make a difference in my business life, and spending what is needed to gain the quality and lifetime of service that comes along with it.

On top of all 6 items, though, nothing beats having a constant smile on your face. That would be the 7th item I would spend any amount of money on.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum, and share what you “splurge” on.

I believe that admiration for another is something that can be kept solid even in the face of the unexpected actions of others. When you acknowledge that every person generally puts themselves first (even if they are saying the opposite), you can understand a person’s actions better when you realize that your life is just as chaotic to them as theirs is to yours. I’ve built up an understanding that the best expectation you can have of another person is that they will remain honorable. To admire a person and have expectations that they will always makes decisions positive in your life is an avenue for frustration and possibly irrepairable conflict. Yet to view a person solely based on their ability to honor a promise can give you new insight into the actions of others.

Human action is perplexing because we don’t know all the facts and trials in a person’s life. The moment you judge the actions of another person, you’re putting yourself in a bad emotional position as you can never know all the facts about a person’s life. What may seem like someone else’s focusing on what is best for you is probably only random chance rather than a true focus. Even when we want to focus on someone else we still get distracted by our own lives — on what is important now.

Finding honor in a person is difficult, but it starts with acting honorably yourself. If you tend to break promises, write them down after you’ve made them. If you’re bad with deadlines, set those goals on paper and follow through with them. If you tend to get overburdened with too many activities, don’t be afraid to tell people that you’re just too busy, but you’d rather let them know that rather than break their trust. If you are known to walk away from responsibilities, ask people for their help in holding you accountable. Don’t force people to do these tasks, those who do them and excel at being honorable tend to be respected and admired because of their attention to what needs tending, rather than the actual outcome of their actions. When someone knows you will try your hardest, you gain honor just for the attempt. When someone doesn’t see your honorable attempts but instead only sees you succeeding and failing, the ruptures that can break up relationships can come very quickly.

In the end, an honorable person will reap more admiration than someone who is loved because of their promises and actions. They will work hard at keeping themselves open to accountability, and they will work at following through with their responsibilities. When you do both of these things, you will still be honorable even in failure.

Discuss this article at the accountability and responsibility forum.