Accountant jokes and fun

I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:40:00 +0000

Well - at least that's what 'The Daily Mash' (a satirical online newspaper) is reporting. Their spoof article continues:

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

Powerful divinity Stewart, whose earthly guises include a semi-likeable middle-aged woman, a grey fox and a fire-breathing lizard with nine heads and 43 tusks, has assured mortals that she will not be made a mockery of as the Great Deadline of January 31 approaches.

Stewart, also known as Brabarine or 'The Taxacious One', said: “The hour of self-assessment is nigh.

“But heed my words – a Tesco carrier bag full of crumpled receipts and sweet wrappers does not represent adequate record keeping.

“Nor can you simply make up a number, times it by four and call it your 'mileage allowance'.

“I have many eyes and many ears. My minions include HMRC inspectors, birds and little insects that land on my shoulder and chirrup of your lies.”

Stewart's main shrine, The Golden Temple of the HMRC Dawn, has been inundated with offerings from workers anxious to curry favour with the implacable god.

Scaffolder Tom Logan said: “After sending my tax return, I became paranoid that I may have somehow forgotten to include about six months' worth of cash-in-hand work.

“So I've brought this fatted calf and plan to kill it in the reception area, hoping that it will encourage Moira Stewart to be merciful.”

Meanwhile thousands of concerned self-assessment taxpayers are trapped in the Celestial Maze, also known as the HMRC Helpline.

Masseuse Nikki Hollis said: “There are many menus, each one promising to lead you to an advisor.

“But they only lead to further menus, or a recorded message telling you to go to the website. And if you accidentally press '3', you die instantly."

The Inland Revenue episode of QI

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:40:00 +0000

A recent episode of the current series of BBC TVs QI focused on the Inland Revenue. Clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that HMRC took over from the Inland Revenue almost 7 years ago (April 2005).

Still, that quibble aside, some of the stories are worth repeating on this blog:

The world's most exotic tax inspectors are in Pakistan. If you refuse to pay your tax you are shamed into paying it by receiving a visit from a team of tax inspectors who are all transgender. They would then sing and dance in your place of business until you paid up. In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

Sandi Toksvig once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

Dara O'Briain recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. Dara himself once tried to claim for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Kids explain why they want to be tax accountants when they grow up

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 09:50:00 +0000

Sadly there's an element of truth in a lot of what they say.

(In the UK it's worth noting that when these kids talk about 'auditors' they are referencing the IRS not their accountancy colleagues in the audit dept)

An ode to auditing

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 09:55:00 +0000

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean
No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen
Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight
We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right
So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can
It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span
When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care
That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there
We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not!
Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot
Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do
It’s only incidental when we make more work for you
I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say
Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today?

Contributed by StePurham on AccountingWeb

Two HMRC related analogies that made me smile

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 09:42:00 +0000

If HMRC ran a café it would drag passers-by in from the street, force them to cook their own lunch, then fine them for overcooking the eggs. Two weeks later, it would dispatch a leaflet explaining that cooking eggs is easy! But doubling the fine.

If you're a wily corporation, you can play this malign incompetence to your advantage. If you are well-meaning but don't have a degree in fiscal management, never mind funds for an accountant, then you must make endless angst-ridden calls to Patricia in the HMRC office in Pyongyang. I don't know if you've ever tried phoning Patricia, but when she does pick up, she's rarely pleased to hear from you. Having read the new report from the Public Accounts Committee about HMRC's "systemic failures", however, I'm going to ask Patricia out to lunch, order the lobster, then whisper over the petits fours: how about we call it quits? Or perhaps she might view me more favourably if instead of owing a three-figure sum, I owed eight figures.

The above both formed part of Richard Godwin's Comment piece in The London Evening Standard on 21 December 2011.

Some fun tax and accountancy related tweets

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 11:58:00 +0000

Just written a cheque for my accountant, who has the longest address in Christendom. It's a good job biro ink is tax-deductible.
@adateal

Smaller than expected tax return further crunched by larger than expected bill from accountant. Bugger.
@GunslingerElite

Somehow, even in my most successful days as a history student, i always knew the world force me into becoming an accountant #stupid economy
@mrstephencamp

The accountant's #happydance.. finding an eligible $100 deduction. Ends when client gets mad for having to save more receipts
@iphoenixcpa

Every year it's the same. I'm doing my tax return and I can't find the stapler, staples or paper clips I need. I buy more. Next year; gone!
@wiggedy

Scary letter from the Inland Revenue I delayed opening, turned out to be a £50 tax rebate. Lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
@shanegriffiths

Client:Didn't think anyone would know. Me:U mean tax fraud? Being wrong year after year is bad pattern. Client:Could I go to jail? Me:Pack.
@ForensicCPA

This card from inland revenue isn't very jolly... or christmassy... or cardy... its more like a bill really. Think I'll stick it up anyway.
@MarkBrotherhood

Tax dispute of the week: Snakes in the office

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:02:00 +0000

What do you if you don't want to pay your tax bill?
Protests against the Indian tax system turned venomous this week when an angry snake charmer dumped three bags of around 40 poisonous snakes at officials' feet in his local tax office.

Whilst we might think is unusual the media reports of the story have such varying details that I'm wondering if it happened more than once.

Depending on which report you read there was one person or three. He/they dumped three bags in a tax office or a registry office in Basti or in Harraiya (both of which are in Northern India)

New form P45 published by the Indolent Revenue. Read it carefully.

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 10:39:00 +0000

Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website for The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.

Poem - Now That's What I Call Tax Advice!

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 08:52:00 +0000

A while back I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.

I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member).

The following day I received an email from the same guy. He revealed that he too had an unusual hobby for an accountant:

The Third Person to Ask

(aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice)

Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat

I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT

The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know

But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to show

To cut a woman in two halves, the secret I find plain

I’m sure you’d much prefer to know how to offset a gain

The most secure of lock and chain I’ll escape in a trice

It really is much better to just give good tax advice

For whilst my skills at magic give me a qualification

They’re not what I’m best know for, throughout the English nation

And since tax is my living, I’m sure that you can see

Why my lectures do not highlight those three letters, MMC.

No - I can't perform all those tricks but I'll allow the poetic licence as I loved the idea and much appreciated the thought.

Written by (and posted with the permission of) accountant poet: Steve Brown

Another form from the Indolent Revenue: Transitional Irritation Allowance

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 10:41:00 +0000

Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.

What could the letters HMRC stand for?

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 09:43:00 +0000

In the UK we recognise 'HMRC' as standing for Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs - the body created by the merger of Inland Revenue and HM Customs and Excise in 2005.

What else might the letters represent? Officially the answers are:

Health Management Research Center (University of Michigan)
Human Mobility Research Centre (Queen’s University and Kingston General Hospital partnership; Ontario, Canada)
Helicopter Multi-Role Computer
Hierarchical Maximal Ratio Combining
His Majesty's Royal Communications (Jordan)

But let's be more inventive:

Help Me Recover Cash
How Might Rhianna Cover-up?
Hold My Rubber Chicken

I fear I could go on for a while but instead let me invite others to suggest their own. Give it a go. Could be fun.

Another form from the Indolent Revenue: Your money or your life

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 09:41:00 +0000

Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.

The odd names people put on tax forms....

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 08:41:00 +0000

From the Times Diary page on Tuesday 18th October.

Thanks to Andy Tall for bringing it to my attention.

Taxman's form: Application for mercy

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 09:41:00 +0000

Original is on the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website promoting a book published by Ian Vince:
The Department of Social Scrutiny

And you thought ICAEW was focused on accountancy....

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 13:35:00 +0000

This sign in the Gents at One Moorgate Place (Chartered Accountants Hall) always amuses me. It seems to suggest that the ICAEW is 'bringing you energy efficient hand drying'.

Who is to blame for problems with the tax authorities?

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 12:17:00 +0000

Four tax advisers were bewailing the deterioration in the relationship between the tax authorities and taxpayers.

They thought that they would list the four main causes of the current problems. Their conclusions:

H, M, R and C.

Does HMRC have it's own Underground station?

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 09:35:00 +0000

Took this photo a while back - just can't remember where though....

Is this the way to do an audit (or to Amarillo)?

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 09:19:00 +0000

Obama sings: Every cent you make, I'll be taxing you...

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 08:13:00 +0000

An impressionist, Paul Shanklin, allows us to hear President Obama singing a variation of the Classic Police song

The Institute of Chartered Accountants World Without Numbers

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 12:06:00 +0000

This seems to be a 30 second advert showing the importance of numbers and therefore of Chartered Accountants. Not sure i could see the link though. Can you?

Hell's Grannies are to blame for the riots....

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 08:10:00 +0000

The following is an extract from an old Mython Python sketch about "Hell's Grannies":

Voice Over: Favourite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.
Film of grannies carrying off a telephone kiosk; then painting slogans on a wall.

Policeman (coming up to them): Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. (they clear off, he turns to camera) We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.

Cut to cinema.

Cinema Manager: Yes, well of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like 'The Sound of Music'. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.

A policeman hustles two grannies out of the cinema.
Cut to reporter walking along street.

Reporter: The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists, and they begin to wonder if it is all really...(disappears downwards rapidly) arggh!

Shot of two grannies replacing manhole cover.

The extract above is taken with credit from the full transcript of Episode Eight: 'Full Frontal Nudity' (The title is derived from a line spoken in the episode by someone described as a Chartered Accountant: "I would only perform in a scene in which there was full frontal nudity". After which the ubiquitous Colonel announces that he has noticed a tendency for this programme to get rather silly.....)

True tales of New York City Accountants

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Complaints, complaints, complaints

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 09:37:00 +0000

We recently complained to HMRC about a repayment they were taking months to process.

We received a reply from one of their Complaints people saying that due to the volume of complaints they were dealing with, they would not be able to deal with our complaint for at least 35 days.

Needless to say, we complained about this...

True story relayed by an accountant on AccountingWeb. Can anyone beat that?

VAT a daft idea for a builder taking cash in hand

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 08:51:00 +0000

Years ago, I lived literally a block down the road from the local VAT office. I got some quotes for a new driveway, and the best price by far was from a well-known local firm who gave me a double discount: one for paying cash (nudge nudge, wink wink, mind the Vat, know what I mean guv'nor), and one for putting their sign up to let the world know who did the work. Including, I suppose, the local VAT-man!

Story related by Andrew Horder

Those crazy PwC accountants

noreply@blogger.com (Mark Lee (Chairman of the Tax Advice Network)) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 11:05:00 +0000

Just as long as they didn't rehearse during billable time...