Acid

300+ days

2026-06-01T15:46:13.190-06:00

got married august 1, it's june 1 now. it's been almost a year

why the fuck is everything so difficult.

i wish i could just live in honeymoon land forever and not have to stress about life and daily shit. i just want to be with my husband, not at work 9 hours a day and wondering what to make for dinner, and if there's enough for lunch tomorrow, and don't forget to make your breakfast. and yeah, while you're at work, don't forget that you have to pick up some things for dinner, and you have appointments after work, and your husband is unemployed so help him find a job, and don't forget to file your taxes, and do your accounting, and laundry never ends. and you live in a basement so don't forget to get some fresh air and sunlight but don't open the window because it gets cold, and watch out for spiders and bugs, and clean every weekend, and the bathroom has mold but that's every bathroom because where there's water there's mold so clean your water bottle daily and don't forget to drink water and take your meds, and try to stop vaping and start working out so you're healthy and gain weight so you have an easy pregnancy but wait til we move out to get pregnant but wait we can't move out on just one income so help your husband find a job but don't push too much or he'll get emasculated and then he won't want to have sex with you and that's gonna lead to you both being more depressed and more distant and fight more and just wanna end it all but i don't want to end it all because i'm so in love and obsessed with him but the problem is how do i show my love outside of just affection and words and physical touch. i try to do things but there is a disconnect. maybe we both are a bit scared of hurting each other with our words that we've started to become closed off, awkward, nervous, avoidant.

i hate everything that happened to lead us to here. we had 1 night of loving marriage happy couple no worries, before night 2 even came to an end, the marriage was tainted. i wish i could go back and start over. i wish i hadn't gotten married yet. i wish we had more time. i wish i wish i wish. but there's no genie, there's no fairy godmother, where's god? what kind of karma is this? what did i do for this to happen?

maybe i'm broken. maybe i'm not meant to be fully happy. maybe i'm not even meant to have money. but please let me just have a good relationship, the best relationship with my husband. that's all i want. i don't want to live in pain and suffering. i want to be content. i want my life to stop feeling like a puzzle with no answer.

~C.

i just need to get this off my chest

2023-12-24T01:51:00.007-07:00

i wish i could erase 2020 and 2021 and half of 2022 out my life forever

i literally feel sick to my stomach every time i think about those times in my life.

let’s forget about covid itself and the bullshit we all went through, let me instead tell you all about what i personally went through

i wasn’t thinking straight, or was i even thinking to begin with? something was in the air, and i just didn’t make sound decisions.

when i met that person, let’s call him A, i wasn’t sure what i was looking for. if anything, i was just lonely and didn’t feel like i could turn to my friends. well, one of my friends, T sounded like he was falling into the alt-right pipeline in a weird conspiracy level way. sounded like he was going into the QAnon stuff back in 2020 and it didn’t sit right with me. i mean, i did hang out with him, we smoked weed, we talked about random shit, learned some new things, but over time, each hang out became more and more filled with crazy things i didn’t believe in and didn’t want to believe in — i won’t go into details but a lot of it was about race and origin theories and stuff. it rubbed me the wrong way, not to mention the nft and crypto currency craze going on at the time was getting to me. so i started going on dating apps to find someone to spend time with.

like i said, i wasn’t looking for anything serious, if anything, i was coming out of a depression and wasn’t feeling myself. i still don’t feel like myself but that’s different.

so i met A on some app. and we went on a date, and i already shouldn’t have gone on that date because there were minor icks that i got from him but, like i said, i was bored, lonely, kind of fucked up in the brain after taking mushrooms and smoking weed and covid and just a mix of things. i guess i got caught up in the thrill of it, the dopamine rush of having a new toy to play with basically. but it took a hard turn. he started being kinda rude, kinda erratic, kind of made me feel guilty and my people pleasing tendencies took over. in the most selfish of ways, i just wanted to prove to him that i wasn’t a dumb bitch like he thought i was.

that’s where it all went wrong. i should’ve just broken up, told him to fuck himself and went on my merry way. but no, i continued to talk to him, we got into some kind of relationship but he never called me his girlfriend, just partner, and he pretty much started using my brain. i told him about crypto, nfts, a bunch of theories, because that’s what had been on my mind because of T. he got a total hard on for the fact that i was smart and could make him money. my naive self thought it was all fun and games and that i’d also put in some money and see where it went. i had just gotten a decent job, and was making some extra cash so i started playing around with it.

eventually, the stress of losing money got to him so he asked me to help him out. he lost his job. he kept asking me to spot him, help him out, support him. and i never thought support would mean paying for everything while he puts all his money into buying crypto and nfts.

when i look back, i could’ve walked away at any second, but the things he said were manipulative and made my self esteem go to shit in 6 months. i met him in july i think and by december i was starting to feel like a piece of shit. he would mock me, call me names, and put me down any chance he got. on the flip side, he also did some kind things like bake me cupcakes on my birthday and encourage me to start a business. the things is, i didn’t want any of that. i didn’t even know what i wanted. he never let me talk. literally, anytime i would open my mouth i barely got out 4 words before he talked over me, or shut me up somehow.

that’s part of the reason why i stayed, i was fighting to be heard. when i look back, i should’ve just left. he wasn’t really anything to me, just a guy. and if i am being honest, it was during lockdown when i met him and i wasn’t meeting any of my family or friends. i am not really a home kind of person, i’ve always had issues being home all the time and because 2019 was just so fun, i was craving that all the time.

when 2021 came around, he somehow convinced me to go to vancouver and toronto with him. i wanted to go, since ive never gone and travelled on my own without family, so sure, i went. but each trip he would fight with me over stupid things. the one i remember the most is when we were in vancouver, and i just wanted to do touristy things, go to the beach, go shopping, go to the museum and all the vancouver things, and he saw it as a business trip. his business is exploiting jamaicans for seamoss and sell it online. he wanted to take pictures, “do research” and some other shit and i went along with it. but one of the days, i just wanted to go out and do my own thing which he didn’t want me to. i wanted to leave the hotel room and he took the keycard from me and wouldn’t give it back. i asked so many times and when i was looking around for it, he got angry. i saw it on his nightstand and went to grab it but he snatched it out of my hands and tackled me onto the bed. he had a glass in his hand and tried to throw it at me but i started screaming at him to give me the card. he got angrier that i was yelling and almost hit my head with the glass but i tried to fight him. i was trying to grab the key card out of his hand while he was on top of me and he pressed the glass so hard onto my hand that it cracked and cut me. i cried and screamed and left the room. i can’t remember much. i just remember that i went to the gurdwara by bus and stayed there for about an hour or so before coming back. he was still there when i came back but left as soon as i entered. i was so upset about the whole trip and kept wondering what the heck i did that was so wrong to warrant that reaction. i still can’t remember what it was. that night, i texted my mom’s cousin, who lives just outside the city if he could come pick me up. he said it wasn’t possible because the city was on lockdown, no one was allowed to enter or leave on road because of covid (that’s what i call bcbs). i didnt share any details though. so i had to stay there in that hotel that night, with someone i didn’t trust. when i fell asleep, he came and got upset why was i asleep when he was out in the dark alone all night. i don’t know? when i fell asleep again much later that night, he came into my bed, fully nude, and assaulted me. i didn’t know how to react but once he left i cried silently until morning. i was violated

the same thing happened in toronto. i don’t even know why i went. why i stayed with him. he made me feel so bad emotionally and mentally. i had no self esteem left. i used to model before i met him and he made me feel like the ugliest person in the world. my skin got so bad i was getting acne all over. i looked like a shell of a human. my eyes were sunken in, and there wasn’t a single thought in my brain except for how do i make sure he doesn’t kill me one day.

he threatened me so many times. to this day, i don’t know what i did wrong.

i actually don’t even remember most of 2021. i just remember him always being mad at me for something. making me so sleep deprived because he would threaten me if i didn’t pick him up from work at 1 or sometimes 2am. he wouldn’t let me leave when i wanted to. he would play mental games and make me run around the city for small things. he would make me buy him things and then ask me to return it.

there was one instance that finally opened my eyes was when he asked me to get him water because of his diabetes. it was the middle of the night so only some convenience stores were open and i had just dropped him off at home. he only drinks distilled water because he’s crazy — i mean he says that tap water has chemicals and will give him arthritis or something, like i said, he’s crazy. but that night, he said he forgot to turn on his water distiller or he spilled a gallon of his water on the floor or something, but he was all out of water. he called me to get him water from the store but i was already home so i told him that im home and just drink tap water, it’s not going to kill you. he got so mad at what i said that he spam called me. when i answered, he screamed in the phone to get him water or he’s going to die because his blood sugar is so high. i again said told him to drink normal water or take insulin but he started going off about how tap water is poison (mind you, our city’s tap water is one of the cleanest and highest quality in the whole country) and how much insulin costs and how he is dehydrated and will die if he doesn’t get water, all that stuff. so i gave in and told him im on the way. this was really late at night, probably 1 or 2am, so i’m not at 100% brain power and i know he won’t stop calling me unless i get him water. so i drive to the nearest convenience store and buy a gallon of water of his favourite brand and drive it over. i put it at his doorstep and text him to come and get it, that im going home because it’s late. he called me again and said he’s on the street walking to 711, to pick him up and take him home. i drove to the nearest 711 and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen so now i’m pissed. i call him and tell him to go the fuck home, asking why he didn’t just stay put when i told him im on the way, and obviously he diverts the questions, starts verbally abusing me, and blames me for his blood sugar levels, and how hes so weak hes gonna die on the street. i then remembered that i saw the kitchen light on at his place so i called him out on his lie. i even drove back to his place and see that the door was left open and the water is gone. that was the last straw.

after that happening, i started making a plan to get away from him for good. the only problem is that he will do anything to get what he wants, except be a good person. he took the house key he gave me so i had no way of retrieving any of my things. i slowly reduced how much time i spent there, i made excuses of how i had to move in with my grandparents when they came back in 2022 and that i can’t do remote work at his place anymore. there are some blurs in my memory here as well but i remember sometime early 2022 or late 2021, we got into a bad fight at his house where the neighbours heard me crying and screaming and called the cops. that was another sign for me to leave. the cops came, i answered the door, but because he knew it was going to happen, he hid in the bathroom. the cop asked me if i was okay, and i told him yes, it was just an argument that got heated, nothing to worry about. the cop left. i regretted it that instant.

later in 2022, we got into another fight. this was after i helped him co-sign for an apartment, and put down the deposit. he was throwing some things away, packing some other things and stuff. after finding that apartment for him, i went no contact. i told him we could be on good terms if he just picked up the responsibility and didn’t screw me over, i did this as a favour so he’d be out of my life. he called me as he was moving so i could pick up some of my things but when i went over, he got into another fight with me. i wanted to pick up my things, my computer, my music, paintings, books, some other stuff as well, but he just wanted to talk. well i didn’t, thats not what i was called there to do so i told him that i was just there to grab my things and go. he didn’t let me leave. i started screaming again, hoping the neighbours would hear and call the cops again, but things got way worse. i dragged me down the stairs as i was trying to leave and threw me into a room in the basement. i was going crazy and so i started acting violently; kicking and screaming and trying to push him away. he pushed me against the wall and put both hands around my neck and started choking me to the point i actually couldn’t breathe. i don’t know what happened but i got away somehow and tried to run out the door. i told him i’d call the cops if he didnt let me leave but this time, he finally did. i went home and took pictures of myself in the mirror, there were bruises in my neck and eye. yes, he almost gave me a black eye and strangled me to death.

i can’t remember if i ever saw him again after that but he’s tried to contact me. he would spam me with texts and long silent voicemails. i blocked his number, then he started getting new numbers through that internet service, textplus or something. well, he still has my belongings, or maybe he sold them, i don’t know. he’s a liar so i can’t believe a word he says. he eventually stopped contacting me for a while but once it started again, i knew i had to change my number so i finally did this year.

but that’s the thing, if none of that had happened, i don’t know who i’d be. would i be a better person, or worse? or just different? i don’t know. but i wish i had never met that fucker. i have so much anger in me because of him. i have so much anger towards myself because how could i let that happen to myself. i feel like a failure of a person.

in august 2022, i met my now boyfriend/fiancé. he’s the best. for real this time. i wouldn’t know what “the best” is if i hadn’t met “the worst” but at times i feel like i’m not “the best” for him. im so broken. i don’t even know how i would ever explain this to him. i hate myself for making such a shitty decision back then. i knew better but i wasn’t in a good mental space to begin with. i should’ve known. i should’ve been smarter. i should’ve stopped being a rebel without a cause because the real world is actually scary and i had no idea what i was doing. i still don’t.

what the fuck am i doing? i just want to erase that whole shitty time in my life. it feels like i burden i’m going to have to live with forever. i feel tainted. i feel broken, i feel like this one aspect of my life i need to forget but it’s so hard to. there’s no resolution.

i do not want to forgive him, like… why would i forgive someone who made me feel like i was losing my mind? someone who almost killed me, who stole 2 years of my life, who took so much from me, made me feel like a dumb worthless human who can’t do anything right. why do they deserve my forgiveness? and how can i forget such trauma? no, there is no forgive and forget here. but i want to forget it. i want to move on. but i can’t. i hate him so much. i want him to live such a tortured life with no salvation. i want for him to become homeless and freeze to death in the bow river. i just am so angry all the time because of that loser. i hate him so much. but what can i even do about it. i am filled with so much anger and hatred and no where to put it, it makes me want to kill myself sometimes but i then remember that i have a loving fiancé. he’s perfect to me, he loves me more than kanye loves kanye and i don’t want to hurt him. if anything i want to live forever just so i can stay with him.

but bro, that’s what causes so much cognitive dissonance. like why am i filled with all this anger when i have something so wonderful in my life.

why do i care so much about what was done to me and not what will happen to me? i just want to know how to repurpose all this negative energy in me because i swear i am letting it out on my sisters and parents and randoms on the street and myself, when it does me no good. i need help. i can’t afford therapy.

help. please. i don’t want to live like this anymore.

~C.

things happen and you change and things get better but you still change

2023-08-15T17:03:00.005-06:00

2020 to 2022 were the worst 3 years of my life. i became someone i wasn’t proud of but it made me into someone i am proud of (for the most part)

my trauma is healing

2022 i met the the love of my life and things are better now

i’m back to who i was before i was scared of how big the world was and how little power i had left

the last 9 years have been a journey

thank you for being around

~C.

So. Now what?

2019-12-10T00:13:00.000-07:00

I always thought I would feel something. Maybe because I'm not really done school until I walk the stage. That's all just ceremonial, but I guess it's a good way to end it.

i'm high don't read unless you want to go on a ride (spoiler alert: i sound like im 14????)

2019-12-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

im high idk where to type this lols.
i did acid omg last week
ok
and this is just context by the way. ( i just really need to talk and it's midnight. i'm having a moment lulz)
so i did acid andthen
any way
back to why we're here

i want to share with you the feelingi'm having right now. i i'm so high right now and i feel like i'm 14 again. it's like a time warp to that age. i feel like hmm... i'm goin to hang out at my junior high and i'm having good fun times but it's also the fct that i'm not feeling that heavy weight on my shoulder of depression. i feel genuinely better right now. like that age is the last time i felt that way so it's maybe a projection of that ??? lost my thought

ok
i'm just...
ok i got it.
when i let myself be happy or rather
when i'm "not depressed" (i'm trying to justify the fact that i think even a small dose of lsd can in a way "cure" depressioN?)
i feel like my happiness is of that of when i hadn't depression

[[[[[[[[[[this isn't a poem"""""""""{ {{{{{{{{
w/e
))))this is a meta joke. (idk whatthat means0) basically read an article about rupi kaurP >>

idk if you get it' it s hard to explainfuck

i just wanna say that depression made me really dumb. maybe i'm only as smart as a high school and i've just been pushed along.
wow
this is imposter syndrome as a symptom of mental illness

i'm sitting in a green lit room. i love aliens.
i
i gotta gooooooo.
byee
:) :D D: D: D: D: D:D D: idk :D:D:D:D:D::D:D:D:D:D:DD:DD::DL:DL:DL:L: u;u i'm goint ot tumblr now
:D

freak to chic

2019-07-03T22:01:00.000-06:00

I've been spending the last week or so cleaning out my Tumblr archive. It's a mess honestly. I just wanted to delete any remnants of my shitty high school anti-social social life.

I've gone back to December of 2012 and I had a huge realization last night while cleaning it out. I was also pretty tired, high, and in a depressive mood so this realization came as a shock that made me panic hard. I had a whole life on Tumblr. A whole social life with friends I regularly talked to and people's lives I was invested in. I was part of an online community that felt so real that I never had a need for an IRL social life. But going back through all that, it was overwhelming. I was trapped in such a small aspect of my life and felt fulfilled socially. The hardest part about coming to terms with it is that those people were so temporary that I can't even remember much about them anymore. This one girl from Montreal who sent me a present, I can't remember her name or even her username, yet she and I talked all the time. And I want to get back in touch with her too. Like, Montreal isn't even a distance that's hard to reach. I'd have a friend there. That's not even the only one. Friends in New York, California, Colorado, Ontario, even Australia. All these people, gone like the wind. Yet I had all these people in my direct vicinity whom I didn't put effort into at all and they are still here, easy to talk to.

It's crazy to think I spent 3 years of my life becoming a person online and being part of a tiny social circle that had crazy amounts of drama. My first 2 relationships were online. They were so real. It's kind of fucked-up to think that I made these friends online through posting hundreds of posts every day just about K-pop. I feel like a freak thinking about how such a huge part of my life was words through a screen. I felt true emotions through this shit. It's so hard to explain but those 3 years of my life are so embarrassing now. How did I invest so much time into people I barely knew? Made empty plans to go meet these people. Made promises and shared my dark secrets to people miles away. It's so weird.

But I think that also made me who I am today. I value friendship but I'm dormant when it comes to replies and texting and it comes from those online people not always being there. I thought I was so popular and it got to my head. In real life I was nobody. It's crazy how far one would go for the attention of hundreds of people. At that age, being a teenager, I did almost everything that people warn you from doing online. I sent pictures, I told people where I live, I told them so much about my life. Of course, I thought I knew these people. They came to me too. They told my bits of their life. And I trusted it. I'm not sure how true anything was. I feel like it was so staged. I feel like my life then and my life now are 2 different lives. Nothing connects. I left pieces of myself around the world. I wonder if they still think of me.

But I took today to think about it. And as embarrassing it is to be online for hours each day and bombarding people with edits and gifs, I think I've finally learned the lesson fate was trying to teach me. I need to live in the moment and be aware of everything around me. Appreciate those who are in my life and don't take anyone for granted because IRL or online, they might not always be there.

~C.

all the things he did that caused me pain

2019-06-18T01:55:00.000-06:00

he emotionally manipulated me into sneaking out, having sex, and being of use to him. he'd get angry, cry, throw a fit, and threaten to break up when i did anything against his will. i ended up feeling as though my body, my life, my being belonged to him and his wishes. i felt as though i had no autonomy or independence. i became dependent and could make no decision without his counsel. he cheated on me emotionally and physically multiple times. he lied. he hid things. he hid things that he'd done against me and he hid things he'd said about me and he never defended me or took my side. he emotionally abused me to believe that i was always in the wrong. he made me feel like a child who couldn't do anything on her own. he made me feel like i needed to beg for his attention and that i needed to change every aspect of myself to be with him. he made me feel like i had to be stupider to make him feel superior. he made me feel like i was never good enough. he left me in the dark. he still has secrets about me. he made me do things and drop friends and he manipulated me into isolating myself and thinking that i was alone. he made everyone my enemy including myself. he controlled every choice and he broke my dreams. he made me feel like i could not do anything without his help yet he needed my help the most. he used my intellect, he used my body, he used my emotional vulnerability. he never understood my mental illness, he never took consideration into my feelings. he made me question everyone and everything. he made me questions everyone's motives. why anyone would love me, why anyone would befriend me, why anyone would accept me. he made me lose my confidence. i thought the person who tells you they love you always means it but he made me realize this isn't true. he accepted me as i was before i was with him. i was understanding, kind, fun, outgoing, naive, young, vulnerable, impressionable, free, bright, optimistic, hopeful, oriented, sober before i met him. i am now lost. i am now protective of my heart. i am now unfit to be loved. i am now alone. i am now scared. i am now this. who is this person? i don't recognize her.

but i'm glad i've made it known to myself what a danger to my mind he was. i am now aware of the emotional and psychological trauma it has caused me. it's without a doubt that this new found awareness brings me a step closer to a cure. it brings me a step closer to bettering myself. it brings me closer, now, to growing into the person who has learned from her first emotional investment.

the hardest step will be being able to trust again. being able to let myself be loved without worrying about my past traumas. to let myself be someone's all and everything. it'll take time, and effort and i may need to let go of the caution but if there is any one person who can understand this, they would be the one. someone who i can communicate this to and they won't be scared of me and they will remind me i'm deserving of love and they are deserving of my trust. because trust and communication are what keep a commitment strong.

though this may be an exaggeration objectively, subjectively these are the feelings and scars i am left with.

~C.

serene

2019-05-07T23:27:00.000-06:00

My new favourite word (possibly the word of the year) is SERENDIPITOUS. Because everything good that has happened has been so out of the blue yet pleasant. Meeting an angel/friend/partner/whatever the fuck he is...all so sudden. It made me forget about another feeling I had. I'm not sure what else to call it other than fate. It was fate that brings people into your lives and maybe you're just as important to them.

These things have been happening so much.

I met god just over a year ago. I was on the bathroom floor in a bar and I just felt like it was my time to die. I was ready to go but I think I saw something; I can't remember what it was but I know it was god. I was given a second chance. God is water.

I was also possessed by something as well. I'm sure it was chaotic energy from a friend of a friend. It wasn't anyone's fault, mind you. It was just the circumstances. I now realize it may have caused me to dissociate; took over my body and perhaps helped me in a way -- chaotic good or maybe just a chaotic neutral entity in my body. I don't think it meant any harm perse. It was just unwelcome and caused me to manifest its traits. Well, one thing led to another and I found myself with this person and his friend in a church parking lot at 10pm. I had a panic attack, threw up, bled from my nose, and I don't remember a lot but I'm sure it was an exorcism. That evil spirit is gone from me now. And in all honesty, I may not believe in a lot of these things but I believe in whatever I experience. That's what it was. How crazy does one have to be? And vulnerable? To allow such evil into their body. It's kind of fucked up. But since that night, I prayed and prayed for goodness. I've tried to become a stronger person (not that I wasn't already trying; I just decided to make it the main focus of my life).

I'm starting to feel like my old self again. It might just be the drugs, but I'm happy now.

I have faults. Everyone does. I think my smoking (weed and ciggies) is just a way for me to manifest my underlying issues into metaphors that symbolize my faults. I overthink. I get paranoid. I think I don't deserve the best of things because I'm a terrible person. And I know that this is not true but I can't find the reasoning behind why that is so. I can only convince myself that I'm undeserving because I tend to focus on the shitty things I do and have done. I don't know if I'm a good friend, or a good daughter, or a good sister, or even a good person in this world. I'm not sure if it even matters. Sometimes I feel like it does. Other times, I couldn't care less.

Whatever the right answer is (if there is one), I know that for a fact I need to convince myself that I am deserving of life. I'm not going to end my life. That's one thing for sure.

Some people are meant to lead you to think about your life. I thought too hard and I thought too hard in the wrong way. I'm taking a step back now and looking at life as reality, not as a fucked up social experiment. I'm happier this way. I need to focus on myself and how I feel, not what others want me to feel and what others think. I run my life and no one can predict what I'll do. No one has a plan. Nobody can live my life for me. These are truths I need to tell myself.

Thank you.

~C.

where do we go from here?

2019-01-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

Imagine this: you're happy. You're comfortable. You have what you want and everything you need. Now imagine this: who are you with?

Why is it that I can only think of one person?
Am I a hopeless romantic or can I see the future?

I was excited. You were going to propose to me you said. I wish I had known. Hindsight is 20/20 and other bullshit cliches which aren't so bullshit. Honestly, in my eyes still, we're meant for each other. Yes, I'm a jealous dumb bitch. But you are my person. You're my person!

My heart sank when you told me about this... what you said to her.
You were drunk. But you probably meant it, didn't you? Or did you?
I wish you could figure out your feelings. Because I'm sitting on the fence, facing you, ready to jump onto your side and I need to know if I should still be here or if I should climb over to the other side. Am I being too optimistic or am I being hopeful yet realistic?

I can't tell. I just want to build that trust between us again.... but I feel like you do really like her. I wish you'd leave her. But that's so wrong. It really is. I hate how distant you were today. I hate how jealous I am... I guess it comes with abandonment issues and my traumatic relationships in the past. I never had any stable friendships or anything... this is getting off topic but let me share this, I need to get it out. I've been left alone so many times. I've never really had a best friend since 3rd grade...and she left me to go to another school. So really, I haven't really known what a long lasting friendship is like. I'm afraid to be alone. I can't deal with the fact that I am replaceable. I get jealous. It brings us down. I've been bullied, left out, name called, back-stabbed so when I find something good, I will do anything to keep it. Even if it means hurting myself. So is this what I'm doing? Are you bad for me? You've been in my life for so long that I can't dump you like that. I can't run away. This is BDP.

Weird how I hold on to shit with my dear life. You're not shit. You're my rock. I'm jealous. I'm hurt. I want you back so bad. But what do we do from here? What are you going to do?

~C.

malibu nights

2018-11-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

1. i'm so confused. but one thing im not confused about is the fact that i still am deeply and hopelessly in love with you. despite hating you. despite you hurting me. i want you back. it felt good talking to you. i felt safe. you're my safety. you are my comfort. take me back. i've changed.

2. you said you want to go back to hating me? you mean in first year when you thought i was a bitch? thats so wrong. i liked it when it was the last day of school or whatever and we were at the picnic and i gave you a hug and that was it. we were good friends. i want to back to that at least.

3. i keep rewinding back to every single memory i have with you. every moment. from day 1 to literally talking to you yesterday. i play back the good days, our dates, our late nights, our fights, everything. such small pointless things. big things. i want to do it over again.

4. how does someone as good as you go with a bitch of a woman like her. im serious. how is she any better than i was? there is 1 main difference... her family. you didn't want to settle for me for whatever reason. i hope you thought about that because i did. i want to live my life with you. im still in love with you and the only way i can get past this feelings is because i know you're not coming back.

5. i almost ran into her today. she was waiting at the good earth doors. and i usually go in through there to get some tea or coffee in the morning. i almost had a heart attack. i almost fainted. i went the other way. i can't focus. my stomach is turning. what do you see in her that made you go to her?

6. i miss you. i really do. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i want you back. i was planning to be okay by my birthday. that's 1 day away. i don't think i can do it. it hurts too much knowing it. it felt good to forgive you. but it was confusing to talk to you. i wish you and i never made those mistakes. i wish we never lied to each other. i wish you and i were more honest. if we had another chance, i'd do it right.

7. it's crazy to be so hopeless about love but, i'm still waiting for you. i don't know if you took that pact seriously but i did. 40 years old. i'll be there waiting. i'll marry you in a heartbeat. i'm wifey material.

8. i hope you know that i dont want to hate your girlfriend. this is called jealousy. don't hate me because it sounds like i hate her. i don't. she scares me. she intimidates me. she makes me sick. she gives me bad vibes. i still can't see what you see in her but i dont know her well. i just know that she doesnt give a shit about sleeping with other people's boyfriends... loose morals? that says a lot about a character already. she doesn't care about breaking up a relationship... that also said a lot about her. this isn't about us since there is no us. it's about how i feel, and felt all this time. she was an outsider. she had the sense to know between right and wrong. when you're in the relationship, you are blinded by emotion but the outsider can see clearly. she did more wrong than you. she was the homewrecker. she knew what was wrong but she didn't care. you at least apologized about it. she didn't give a shit.

9. jason is the only one of your friends who even remotely talks to me. everyone else hates me. that's not my fault, it's yours. you spread rumours, spoke about our private affairs. i never told anyone anything ever. you did. you spilled everything to them and never worked it out with me. yet they hate me. for what? you cheated too. you did a lot wrong too. but they hate me? there is no just reason other than the fact you fed them lies. i cheated once. you did over and over. i forgave you but you never forgave me.

10. they say 1 person always loves more in a relationship. i used to think it was you. but turns out it was me. i loved you so i let you go. i wanted you to be happy. you didn't care if i was happy or not. you lied. you hid so much more from me than i did you. you manipulated me to make me feel sorry for you. i knew what was happening and i just wanted you to be happy in the end. so i let you go. i think i did love you more than you loved me. the whole time.

11. this is my last post before i'm 22. i hope you can see the new me. not the old me who was immature and wrong. i've changed since then. but you never wanted to see it. ive changed a lot during our whole relationship. you never wanted to see it. you wanted so much from me... for what? an excuse to leave me because you knew i couldn't do it? you broke my heart you know. maybe there are lingering feelings. but they are just that, lingering. it's not real. but i wish it were. i wish you could see who ive become and not see me as that 18 year old girl you fucked in the playground. or that 19 year old who cheated on you. i love you. i really do. i wish you could see that.

12. everyone has flaws. one day you'll see hers. and one day you'll think that i wasn't so bad after all. i'll still be here waiting on you when that day comes. but i need you to actually see it before you do anything about it.

~C.

lies

2018-11-19T21:16:00.001-07:00

youarethebiggestliarihaveeverknown. howdidieverevenloveyou? ihopeyourotinhellyoufucker. godieinafuckingditch. fuckyoufuckherfuckyourmomfuckyourdadfuckyourauntiesandunclesfuckyourcousinsfuckyourfuckinghousefuckyourcarfuckyourcowyoumotherfuckingbitch. ihopeyouhaveapainfullifefullofregretandmiseryandihopeyouareneverhappy. youdontdeservenaythinggoodinyourlifeyoufuckingcunt. youknowhowmuchihavetohateyourgutstosaythisshittoyou. idonteverhateanyonelikethisunlesstheydomewrong. itriedtogiveyouthebenefitofthedoubtallthistimebutyouwerejustafuckingliarandyou'llalwaysbealiar. ihopesheburnsinhelltoo. ihopeyouhavetheworstrelationshipandihopeyoubothhavetheworstlives. youarethescumoftheearthsofuckyou. gofuckingdiewhore. icannevertrustanyonebecauseofallthisbullshityoudid. whythefuckdidyouliesomuchtome? youhavecompletelyruinedmeandmyhope.

~C.

Blue

2018-11-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you're finally over it and that you're getting better, it hits you. You're not. The minute you relieve yourself, you walls come crashing down and you're back to being hurt again. You can't stop this feeling. You can only hang on and never look back. Keep going forward, you tell yourself. Don't look back. It only hurts to look back. Distract yourself. That's how you'll feel better.

I saw your girlfriend in the hallways. She gave the evil eye. That's why my phone screen broke. I was minding my own business on Thursday. Doing my part on main street. She passed by me 3 or 4 times. Staring at me evilly. Evil eye. I asked in my mind, "what do you want from me? I've gotten payback for anything wrong I've done. I suffered for three months over this. All that I've done wrong. What else can it be? You have the life I wanted. Yes, I'm jealous. But there's nothing I can do and I've accepted. I've done no wrong to you since then. I reached out once to perhaps restart our friendship. If you must hate me, do so freely and openly or don't hate me at all" That is all I have to say to you. But she kept staring at me hatefully.

That night, I dropped my phone. You see, I've dropped my phone many times. And the screen hasn't broken except for the time she's been there. The first time I dropped it on the road while crossing the street, she was there. She gave me the evil eye. It cracked on the corner. This time, an evil eye 3 times. I dropped it and the screen shattered to the point my phone is unusable. What is this kind of curse? How can you hate me so? How can you wish upon me so much evil and suffering? I've suffered enough. I've done no more wrong that what was done to me. I was cursed and broke my phone. I've home to a broken heart. My car is keyed and suffering as well. I've no job and I'm dependent on medication to keep me alive. What is there else that I must face? So help me god, I want to believe that there will be a time that I will not have so much bad luck but alas, what karma is this that I deserve? Have I done such bad?

~C.

questions

2018-10-25T13:15:00.001-06:00

I wish you would just tell me why.
why did we really break up?
why are you with her?
how long have you liked her?
why did you block me and ignore me?
why did you lie and break my heart over and over again?
why can't you forgive me how I forgave you?
why can't you take me back?
why can't you see how sorry I am?

why can't you talk to me?

what did I do so wrong that you can't face me?

why do I deserve this pain you give me?

~C.

no conditions

2018-10-22T17:03:00.000-06:00

I never believed in unconditional love until now. Despite everything, I still love you. Despite all our problems, I still want you. Even when I think of everything negative and wrong in our relationship, I'm quick to forgive you. I give you the benefit of the doubt. Why? Is this unconditional love? I love you even when you don't love me. Is that unconditional? Love. What the fuck is love anyway? That feeling that I want you to be happy? I want you to have a good life? Yet I want to be the one who you're with when you're happy and living well and successful. I want to be by your side when you smile because your smile makes me happy. A day without you is like I'm not living. It's really not life worth living without you in it beside me. But I still love you. I do. I wish I'd had let you know it. I wish I wasn't such a coward bitch. I wish I could go back. But it's too late. It was always too late. Did you ever love me like that? And if you did, what changed? Would you take me back?

~C.

this isnt even the right format

2018-10-18T12:53:00.001-06:00

but fuck it
I wish we could make it work
I want to kill myself
but honestly im done playing with my mind and yours.
I want you back.
and I hate that im not invited to that Halloween party just because we broke up. it's so stupid and everyone keeps talkin about it and i'm the only one not going
but I fucking miss you and I hate it.
I feel sick to my stomach and I keep wanting to call you and text you and follow you (on instagram) and it's stupid but I hate it that I miss you so much
I'd do anything for you. it's too late now though too much damage has been done but i'm serious. I hate not being yours. and I hate not being with you and life is so fucking unfair I want to die.

i can't do anything but love you u

it hurts so bad

obsession

2018-10-16T20:56:00.002-06:00

I guess I'll quit these posts some day. Today I just want to say sorry. Apologize. Because I never got to. And I'm not expecting to be forgiven, but I do owe you a lot. A lot. I caused you so much unnecessary grief.

I'm sorry for getting mad at you and crying that night we had sushi near school.

I'm sorry for not trusting you when you went out with your friends.

I'm sorry for not replying quick enough.

I'm sorry for ignoring you for hours.

I'm sorry for not telling you where I am.

I'm sorry for yelling at you.

I'm sorry for hitting you.

I'm sorry for embarrassing you in the hallways and when we went out.

I'm sorry for ditching you last minute.

I'm sorry for double booking you so many times.

I'm sorry I watched that movie without you.

I'm sorry for being on my phone when we were together.

I'm sorry for walking out at you angry.

I'm sorry for cheating on you.

I'm sorry I didn't fight hard enough for you.

I'm sorry I smoked when you told me not to.

I'm sorry I drank when you told me not to.

I'm sorry for not listening to you when I knew you were right.

I'm sorry for not listening to you when I didn't know you were right because I should've trusted you.

I'm sorry for making you give up your friends for me.

I'm sorry for unfriending you and blocking you.

I'm sorry for leaving you.

I'm sorry for treating you like shit this whole time.

I'm sorry for lying.

I'm sorry for being such a big bitch that everyone you know hates me.

I'm sorry for being too late.

I'm sorry that I didn't come to your birthday party.

I'm sorry that I didn't get you a good birthday present.

I'm sorry that I stopped caring.

I'm sorry for not liking your friends.

I'm sorry for doing stupid things.

I'm sorry I keyed her car and sent her shit.

I'm sorry I didn't come to you when you'd cry on the phone for me.

I'm sorry for making your friends hate me.

I'm sorry for crying on Halloween when I wanted to sleep with you on the couch.

I'm sorry we never got to go on a trip together.

I'm sorry that you had to be associated with me and that gave you a bad image.

I'm sorry that I was so indifferent and indecisive.

I'm sorry that I never came to your house in the middle of the night when you would tell me to.

I'm sorry for crying.

I'm sorry for making you upset.

I'm sorry for being so distant.

I'm sorry for being so obsessive.

I'm sorry for being such a bad girlfriend to you.

I'm sorry I never changed.

I'm sorry it took me so long.

I'm sorry that I wasted your time.

~C.

Do you miss me the way I miss you?

2018-10-13T13:26:00.000-06:00

Because I miss you. And the way I miss you hurts me. It goes two ways but it always hurts.

I wake up fine. I wake up ready to start the day. You aren't in my life. I don't think about you constantly. But I do. I think about who we were. And then I make up a whole story to myself that you aren't here. We never were anything. It feels like you never existed and I can get on with my life. It's all good until I see a reminder of you. A picture, a toy, a song, anything that reminds me of you. Then I'm sad. And I miss you again.

I wake up shitty because I dreamt about you. I don't want to get out of bed. I stay in bed, trying to distract myself. But it physically hurts. I've lost 10 pounds this way. I broke my laptop's keyboard this way... the spacebar doesn't work. I throw up or shit liquid until it's light out. I don't have any responsibilities. I quit my job. I quit everything I love. I see your message on my phone. Or I'm browsing on Facebook and I noticed you changed your profile picture from one that I took of you to one that she took of you. And I want to go downstairs, under the kitchen sink and drink a glass of bleach and die. That's how much it hurts.

I don't think I can learn to trust again. I never know anyone's true intentions. Why couldn't you have just been honest?

When?

When did things go so sour? When did you decide that I wasn't the one for you? When did you suddenly stop caring? You cheated on me. I don't care that you slept with someone. I care that you slept with someone who you commented on since day one.

"Why can't you be that tall?"

"I like my girls tall"

"Look at her ass"

"She's hot"

"I told my aunt I'm going to go after her"

"She's just a friend" Well if she was just a friend, why did you do all those things?

You confessed to her on NYE. You went out with her multiple times. You shared Netflix with her. You had feelings for her. Not me. You lied. You spoke to her so many times behind my back. You slept with her. You talked with her fucking sister. You fucked her.

You let your feelings for her ruin our relationship.

Yes! I cheated too! I cheated in a shitty time. I cheated when our relationship was going good. But you... you cheated at that time too. You cheated on me more than once. You cheated on me with your fucking heart. I don't care about sleeping around. People cheat. I cheated. But I never once stopped loving you. I never once had feelings for anyone else. I always loved you. And that's why I can't stand myself. Why the fuck did I cheat? Why didn't you just break up with me? And why didn't I just break up with you when you cheated on my feelings on NYE? Why did you have to break my trust over and over and over and over?

I can't stop loving you but I can't be with you either. I cannot trust. And I hate myself, I hate my family, I hate you, I hate her, I hate everyone. I hate everything in my life. All because of how little trust I have because you decided to be a coward. You couldn't break up with me so you cheated.

Did you ever love me? When did you stop?

How can I trust again?

You were my first love. That happens once. You broke me in so many ways.

And missing you hurts. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel so fucking stupid and childish. How can I love someone and miss someone who hurt me so bad? But I just do. Because I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have your babies. I wanted to keep it both times but I knew I couldn't. And I was so ready to run away with you but that's not what you wanted. And I knew that we had problems. We had issues. We had trust issues. But I trusted you time and time again. But how can I be so blinded? Did you ever love me? I will never know your true intentions and it scares me. And talking TO you scares me. If you have the answers I need, tell me. But don't talk to me again so that I can fantasize that you were only a dream to me. And a lesson. Making you real hurts.

Yeah, it's that bad.

~C.
(P.S. Yes, I finally blocked you. On Facebook, on Instagram, I even blocked your number... I can't see your face or your calls or your texts or the message you sent last or anything about you. But I can't block you from my mind. So what does that mean? We'll never talk again. And I hate that. Please don't hate me. I still love you and I'm that stupid.)
(P.P.S. I want you to hurt as bad as I do. I really want you to hurt. And I want her to hurt. And for some sick reason, I hope you never find a love again because I know I never will. I guess that means that I want you to appreciate our relationship in a different way. I want you to know how bad I hurt and I want you to feel that too.)

it's not like that

2018-10-10T07:57:00.002-06:00

It's like you don't even feel guilty about leaving me. Or you don't feel guilty still talking to someone who helped ruin your relationship because trust me, I feel guilty every single fucking day. I can't live with myself. and I don't know what it is but I think I'm just that in love with you. But why did it take me this long and why did it take this for me to get it? And why can't you see how much I do love you? I do. I really do?

So why did I cheat? It wasn't because I was unhappy with our relationship. It was the opposite. I was in love with our relationship. I still am. I was and I still am in love with you! So why did I cheat? I didn't deserve you. You are too good for me. I'm stupid, I don't think, I have a shitty life, and you deserved better and I didn't deserve you. So I cheated with the lowest of the low to make myself feel better. Because I didn't think I deserved any better than that lowlife. And you? You are you! You are my lover, my friend, my best friend, the love of my life, the one who keeps me grounded, and sane, and the one who broke up with me; the one who made me want to start a family, the one who changed my mind about loving someone, the one who loved me to the moon and back. The one I betrayed and the one who betrayed me, it's you.

But you don't feel guilt like I do. Do you? Not enough at least. The way you look so happy and unhurt by how you left me. Did you love me after I cheated. Did you feel guilty that you had? Did you want to kill yourself for days and hide the fact? Because I did. And I still do. And that's why I went cold. And distant. Because I wanted to hide the fact that I cheated. Because I was ashamed of myself. Because I knew what you meant to me, and what I meant to you. And I still did this unspeakable act. And I cannot believe who I am anymore and I can't live with myself. I literally cannot. I hate every inch of my body because of what I did. Is that what you feel too?

Because if I could turn back time. I'd never cheat. I'd never take our relationship for granted. I would never leave you. I would never take your love for granted. But it's too late now, isn't it? I'm a psycho mentally ill person. And she's okay. That's why you broke up with me.

What about you? I want to know what you think. What about you? What would you do differently if anything at all?

~C.

I can't sleep and I woke up at 4 am

2018-10-05T09:03:00.002-06:00

I sent in my resignation. I emailed it to my managers yesterday. What a relief. I still have to work 2 weeks but I'm just relieved to not have to work after that.

I'm getting bad again though. I miss him and I still love him and he doesn't want to talk to me like that anymore. So I said sorry. I bother him when I shouldn't. So I said sorry. I hurts. Knowing someone, talking to them every day for 3 years. And then it's gone in an instant. So I said sorry. Then I deleted his texts and his number. And I archived the Facebook messages and muted his Instagram.

I'm afraid of what happens next. But I still love him. He said, when we broke up, that the reason why we can't be together is my parents. And it's true. They never wanted this. They are traditional and want me to marry someone who is the same religion as me.

I messed up this relationship. And now I messed up this friendship.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to be with him. I just cannot stand it. He was the only one who made me feel like I wanted more. He's the one who made me consider having kids and getting married. I was set on not doing that before I met him but he made life so worth every experience. Why did I mess that up?

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with loving someone?

I just can't take it anymore.

I miss him. I really do. And it hurts not being able to tell him or love him or kiss him or touch him or even just look into his eyes.

I was so scared to love him when I could and now I can't and I just really really want to. How could I be so stupid as to not cherish him when I had the chance?

These feelings have gotten me so sick. I'm always fighting an upset stomach. And trying to mend a broken heart but I keep ripping it into smaller and smaller pieces. I was going to be his wife. I should've jumped. I should've taken the chances and it's too late. What can I do now other than regret and cry about what could've and should've been.

Who the fuck waits for love? I can't stop crying and I feel so stupid and useless and hopeless and anxious and sick. This relationship is over and it can never come back. He's over it, isn't he?

~C.

quit; the sequel

2018-10-03T19:56:00.003-06:00

I need to quit my job.
It's too early. It's too stressful. It angers me. It depresses me. I need to quit!

Why is it so hard to quit something after so long? Shouldn't I be comfortable talking to these people who I've known for 3 years? Shouldn't I be comfortable talking to my friend, who I've known for almost 4 years now? Why do I get butterflies and becomes so nervous when I'm trying to talk to anyone now. I feel like I'll break down to tears.

I took the week off of work. Apparently I look refreshed. I need to quit. This job is so stressful just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. My stomach turns. I am a nervous wreck.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I ruined this good thing we had. And I just miss him so much. I miss you.

This relationship was doomed from the beginning because of who I am in this world and where I'm from. But, damn, the way he made me feel! The way I took that relationship for granted because I'm just that stupid. How could I be so stupid!?

It's finally coming out. My emotions that I've held for so long. I just miss him. I miss talking to him. I hate how awkward it is now. I hate saying I love you and I hate not being able to hold his hand and kiss him and call him and talk to him and I am just hurting so much I'm going crazy. Why does this happen?

I'm going to quit. I don't care anymore. I'm emailing my 2 weeks right now. I don't know. Should I? Or should I work one or two days a week? I don't know. I want to pause life and just make myself feel better and get over this shit.

I seriously cannot function without him.

I'm lost.

~C.

so much anger?

2018-09-19T10:23:00.000-06:00

Even though I decide to keep most details off this blog, and only try to look at the general ideas of life and its happenings, I am not like that in real life. I dwell too much on the details. I get in fights and can't stop thinking about them weeks later. I yell and want revenge and revenge is never enough so I'll hold grudges. What's wrong with me?

That's why I have this blog. To let go of that. To show myself how to let go. How to keep the lessons from forgetting about things.

This blog is here for me to reflect when I'm in a terrible place. And I'm in the worst place I've been right now. So I'm making too many of these posts.

~C.

(P.S. I see the views and I know you don't look at my blog at all, but I always thinks it's you. Unhealthy.)

(P.P.S. I wish we could start over. Start over as friends. All of us. Even her.)

no2

2018-09-18T14:53:00.002-06:00

Girls.

I blocked your number. I deactivated my Facebook. I deleted our texts. I erased the memories of your touch from my skin. But my dreams are in control. Only they know the truth; what the heart wants. And the heart wants... what it wants is so complicated.

I'm broken. Time heals but it takes too much time to heal. How can I let myself feel this pain for so long? I'm broken.

My heart wants you to never touch her again. Never see her again. Never think of her again. But my heart can never trust you again. So what's the point? Of anything?

~C.
(P.S. I can't handle being hated or the thought of being hated. Does she hate me? Does she not? I don't know. But it's hypocritical to say that I hate her. I don't "HATE" her. I just can't stand to look at her or I get sick. I'll throw up. I'll get a heart attack. I'm not sure why. If I wasn't so anxious to see her, I'd be okay. I wouldn't hate her. She as in a dream of mine. We became friends. What's wrong with my real world? Why am I like this? The only explanation to these feelings is that it's all my fault. It is. I'll never get over it. And I hate myself.)

0330/1530

2018-09-17T18:00:00.000-06:00

I'm really glad you don't read my blog anymore. Then you'd know everything about me. My secrets, my wishes. My heartaches. My negative side. I hate being broken like this. And I miss you.

Today was the worst days I've had in a long time. So much anxiety that I don't even want to talk about it. But starting your day with work at 3:30 AM is a sign that your life isn't where you want it to be. And everything just went downhill from there. Honestly, I try to keep positive thoughts about work, and life, and even this stupid stupid stupid break up. But some days are just so hard to even smile.

But because this is a blog that will remain on the Internet forever, I won't dwell on any specifics.

I get really anxious going to school. Walking the halls, walking to class, walking to and from my car. Just everywhere I go. I don't want to run into... her. It gives me so much anxiety to see that face or a face that resembles hers and I just want to throw up every single time. I'm not sure what made me like this. What made me react this way to her? I'm not sure. But for some reason... I just am filled with so much hatred for her.

I wish I could just take a pill or take a... something, that would instantly take away this anxiety and emotional pain.

I keep trying to look forward, to something positive. But right now, I'm just so deprived of human contact. Human connection. I want someone to talk to or hug or touch. And no one in my life is there that understands me like you do. Or cares about me like you do.

I used to believe in karma. But what have I done so bad in my life that I deserve this pain and hardship. How do I get rid of these suicidal, sad, lonely, anxious, negative, terrible thoughts? How do I move on past the wrongs I've done and seen? No one deserves to feel this way everyday, do they?

I'm sorry to everyone for what I've ever done to hurt them. I truly am. Alas, this apology is deemed useless. No one will read it. Not even you.

~C.

really stressed and not well dressed

2018-08-17T17:06:00.001-06:00

I got this cool Hot Wheels toy yesterday. It's a Greddy truck and car. There's another one of it but I couldn't find it so I guess someone bought it. Apparently they were stocking in the one near me but I forgot to go. Now I'm too lazy to go out again.

I've been pretty sad these few days, after what happened. And there's a lot of emotions. Relief, sadness, jealousy, grief, sadness, pain. I want to say a lot of things, but I don't. Because I know it's my heart speaking, not my brain. And I just need it to heal before I do anything. At the same time though, I don't know how it'll heal properly. Nothing is going to be the same and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when school starts. I know for a fact that I'm not close to anyone but this 1 person and they probably don't want to be with me during school anyway since it's weird now. Well, that's where the jealousy kicks in. Maybe I'll just go to class and then the gym and eat lunch in between that time. It shouldn't be too bad. It'll be lonely but I can make more friends.

Just to let out my feelings here's a text I never sent the other day. You'll see what I mean when I say that I can't trust my heart to say the right things right now. I don't want the things I say to stick. I don't even know if I actually mean them.

I don't want you to hook up with her. I know it's not my place to say but I dont want it anyway. And I'll say it. I can tell from what you said that you probably want to. What can I do about that though? Just be sad and that's all.

Well, I'm just saying that I don't want it. But if you're going to do it, do it. Don't try and take it slow as to not hurt me because it'll hurt regardless. It's a reason for our failed relationship; not the only one, but it plays a factor: directly and indirectly. You're smart enough to figure out how, I hope.

To be more blunt. if you hook up with her, or date her, or whatever, even if I don't find out, it will ruin our friendship. That's how I feel. Like you lied to me. If you keep going back to her, after all the pain it has caused me and you.

It's not my place to say this. So I won't. But I can think it, and I can write it here to let it out of my head.

I will hate you for that. And I won't be able to be your friend.

I thought about it many times, and I thought that maybe if we break up I wouldn't care if you did go with her. but I do care. That's just who I am. Because it's part of who I am. I can't just pretend that nothing happened.

That being said, do what makes you happy. I can't stop you from anything. I don't have that jurisdiction as your ex. Doesn't matter in the end. You live your life, and I'll live mine.

It's kinda weird how the weather always happens to match my mood when I'm feelings like this. It's cloudy, dark, hard to breathe, sudden but expected. It's so uncomfortable and there's nothing that can happen to make it go away but time.

I've been listening to a lot of Jonghyun's songs lately. I almost cried on a few. Life hurts. Love is pain. Some other cliche shit like that. But sometimes it's true, that's why they become cliche in the first place. There's no perfect song for situations where you know it's supposed to be like this and all you can do is be sad regardless of not being able to do anything or feel the "right" way.

I guess everyone has their own experiences and no one faces the same thing as others.

~C.

comfort

2018-08-09T00:18:00.001-06:00

For some reason, this blog is still the only comfortable thing I can come back to. I still like the colours, I still feel as though it's a home for me. I come back here when things are getting bad to make myself feel better.
Here is a dump of thoughts I came up with a few days ago at 1AM when I couldn't sleep. The thing is, I was thinking of suicide. Not committing, just thinking why someone would. And it just was a word vomit from there.

I hate the phrase that says to learn from your mistakes. no. learn from experiences both good and bad.
im grateful to have had many experiences to learn from, some mine and some others'.
one that sticks with me is that you cannot please everyone so choose what's most important to you in times of conflict and see where you want to stand. what sets you at ease and makes you happy.
I hate being uncomfortable. if something isn't comfortable, dont do it. why should life be more difficult than you need to make it...for anyone? dont create unnecessary problems for yourself or others.
Being spiteful and petty gets you nothing but short term satisfaction. and then what? you decide it felt good so you do it again and again, at the expense of others.
you have one life, one personality, one image...a living credit score basically. it follows you everywhere... and that goes for everyone...be more forgiving and be more kind.
use your moral judgement: do I need to be selfish here or no? does it matter that much to me to get what I want?
you don't have to settle for less than you deserve but what exactly do you deserve and why? be a little selfless when you can afford to be.
.
thinking too hard about life makes it seem pointless. so what? what can you do? people exist around you. the least you can do is keep them company. live for simple things like accidentally waking up at 4am and catching a glimpse of the sunrise, or turning on the radio and hearing the perfect song for the first time, making someone genuinely smile, the chance of having a good night sleep, or waking up well rested, knowing that its 2 months from your favourite time of year and counting down to it casually (oh, its 4 weeks till October 2 already?), listening to new music and liking it, [window] shopping for someone else, the sound of airplanes when you're about to sleep, the pitter patter of the rain on the roof, the satisfaction of a clean room after you clean up after 3 months, the change of seasons from a certain window in your life (my favourite is the one facing the garden at school), listening to old songs or reading books after years and it feeling like the first time, watching your favourite movie for the hundredth time and it still being comforting, holding your own secret likes that no one has yet tainted, the perfect weather (not hot, not cold, you can go out in whatever you're wearing and it feels comfortable), perfect hair before you go to sleep. there are a lot of reasons to keep going, just forgive yourself. be alone if you need to but look forward to 1 thing everyday even if it's just going home after work or the drive in between...whatever makes you feel content.
its better to be alone than spend time with people sometimes...people can carry aura that clashes with what you're in need of.
sometimes youre trying to grab anything that makes you less lonely but the only thing around you is sharp and you get stuck...its better to wait or let your hand rest until you know what you need...
what does it matter what anyone thinks?who cares about attention...attention comes from those who love you without you searching for it... just be you're true self. what feels most comfortable without trying. for me, I do the same hair every day, I wear simple clothing, no makeup, and whatever shoes that are there. I have no one to impress. im just living life because what else can I do?

anyway
you did well. I'm sorry you had to suffer so much unnecessarily. I hope you are content where you are now; you deserve so much.
rest well

I guess you can guess who I'm talking about. But that's all I wanted to post here. Also, I'm broken up. And sick of life. What else is new?

~C.
(P.S. I took forever to remember how I used to do the PS thing at the end of my blog posts. I wanna keep it consistent. But whatever. It's changed so many times. Anyway, the past year or so I've strayed so far from what I wanted to be. I became an angry bitch. I'm trying to go back. Stay lowkey. Stay laid back. So I stopped being obsessed with followers, posts, likes, comments, etc, this month. It felt good. I have a few things I want to say on this post but I forgot who has access to this blog and I'm not sure they should know it. I'll mention it some other time but this paragraph serves as a reminder of that detail. It's too big to forget.)