Actually Home

How a person who is learning English might talk about a blog.

2008-07-02T21:33:00.001-05:00

What is this...how you say...blog?

A question to my neighbor.

2008-04-17T00:30:00.004-05:00

Why are you hammering right now?

Fun with lists.

2008-04-09T00:19:00.007-05:00

Celebrities that people would be surprised you are secretly a fan of.

Kelsey Grammer.
Billy Joel.
Pat Sajak.
Alton Brown.
The tall, gangly man from "The Drew Carey Show."
Meat Loaf.

The state of saying on a scale of one to ten.

2008-03-19T19:14:00.004-05:00

Finish this sentence which is referring to something great that you love:

"On a scale of one to ten, it's a"

Whatever you said wasn't clever, was it?

At one time it was enough to say something was a ten out of a ten. Then people thought that wasn't good enough so they said eleven. That took it to a whole new level. And then people starting thinking that they were better than eleven so they said twelve. And last week on Beauty and the Geek, one of the beauties took it to the limit by saying twenty.

Please don't rate things on a scale of on to ten anymore because you can't say anything that will sound good.

You ought to buy a mastadon skeleton.

2008-03-18T14:28:00.002-05:00

Is there a mastadon skeleton missing from your life? Do something about that.

Fun with lyrics

2008-03-18T10:11:00.004-05:00

"Your Kiss is on My List"
by Hall and Oates.

Who's the best Harry?

2008-03-06T18:00:00.001-06:00

As the famous song goes, "Where have all the people named Harry gone?" You may have noticed that wherever they have gone, most of them are staying there.

Let us celebrate the Harries we do have by explaining who they are and wondering who is best.

Harry Truman. Yes, he is not alive anymore. But he was also the president, and once you are given the title of "President" it stays with you forever. Which means Harry Truman is still the president! Is he the best Harry, because he is able to run the country even though he is dead?

Another Harry Truman. All we know about this Harry is that he is old and crotchety. Disqualified!

Prince Harry. Possibly the bravest Harry went to Afghanistan and almost died for his country (England). It should also be mentioned that although he is handsome in a ruddy and expensive way, his real name is Henry and not Harry.

Harry Anderson. This Harry is not only a celebrity but an actor and magician. He has never once worn tie-dye and gets angry at people who tie up dogs outside of supermarkets. If you want Harry Anderson in your living room and doing magic tricks for you, you can literally buy that here.

Who is your favorite Harry and are you a Harry too?

The poll today.

2008-01-15T14:49:00.001-06:00

What is your favorite Beatles song? Think hard before you answer, and don't pick a really bad one just because you know no one else is going to say it too, like "the one where there's the sound of a dog barking and they were probably doing drugs."

The poll today.

2008-01-14T17:01:00.001-06:00

Does it make anyone else uncomfortable when an episode of "The Simpsons" takes place in the future and the children's bodies are all distorted and it just doesn't feel right?

Happy National Tea Month

2008-01-03T09:12:00.000-06:00

It's National Tea Month again everyone!

Did you know that the first tea was enjoyed 4,700 years ago, by an emperor named Shen Nung, in China? In January? Here's how it happened:

He noticed that if you put tea leaves into boiling water it turns into a good drink. Some people think that the tea leaves accidentally blew into his cup, but that probably isn't true because think about it.

More facts about tea:

Before everyone settled on two percent milk and Splenda a lot of tea was flavored with onion slices, which is true, I wouldn't lie to you about tea garnishes.

The most famous cup of tea was the one that Judas Iscariot slowly drank while he decided whether or not he liked Jesus.

The colonial tax on tea was only like one penny which wasn't even a lot of money back then. But you know people from New England, those guys like to get violent about anything.

Tea stopped having anything interesting said about it in the mid-1930's.

Halfway through his career Mr. T wanted to change his name to Mr. Tea, but everyone pretended to not understand what he was saying and after a while he just gave up.

Let's just admit it.

2007-12-05T13:13:00.000-06:00

The word underpants will never not be funny.

Bad gift ideas.

2007-12-04T21:06:00.000-06:00

Just because you are a company and you have an advertising budget does not mean you should make a commercial about great Christmas presents that people should buy from your store. A naive man might accidentally buy his wife a drill-themed holiday gift card from Lowe's or a festive holiday gift bag from Dunkin Donuts.

Please lay off of making commercials in December, or just make commercials about how you hope everyone has a nice shopping experience at Hammacher Schlemmer, because that is a much more respectable place to buy a Christmas present.

The straight "dope" about heroin

2007-11-28T09:42:00.000-06:00

What are the facts about heroin? Not a lot is known because no one you know has ever done it. The only information out there is what is in movies and on television. For instance, heroin is sometimes called "the stuff." The amount you do is directly proportional to the amount of dirty laundry on the floor of your house.

If I were on heroin, I would not want people interrupting me by saying things like "damn this is some good stuff" or "are you going to go to the club tonight?" I would say, "I paid a lot for this heroin and the nice feeling only lasts for a half an hour* and I don't want you ruining it by saying things to me."

*maybe?

Fun with anagrams

2007-11-27T10:51:00.001-06:00

SERPENT REPENTS

From the mailbag

2007-11-20T15:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Actually Home,

I'm a shy person, that's just who I am. But I find that in order to be a modern man, like be on the Internet, it's necessary to post one's photographic likeness and that's something I'm too ashamed to do. Should I just forget about being modern because I don't see an alternative here.

Signed,
Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair

Dear Anonymous Man with Reddish Brown Hair,

I'm sorry to hear about your affliction. Did you know that you are not the only one who has it? In fact I have a feeling that most people reading this RIGHT NOW feel exactly the same way that you do.

I've made you a gift. It is a simulation of you, so you have something to post on the Internet without being ashamed. In it you are wearing comically oversized sunglasses so your friends will be too busy smiling to notice that you are shy.

Signed,
Actually Home

Assload of facts

2007-11-18T19:15:00.001-06:00

MORGAN FREEMAN edition.

He was the streetest cast member of The Electric Company.

He is in a race with Donald Sutherland to be in the most movies in history.

He is contractually obligated to do the voiceover for tender documentaries.

In 1996 he and James Earl Jones got into a fight and from then on Morgan Freeman has gotten all the roles of wise black men while James Earl Jones had to appear on an episode of "According to Jim."

He wore earrings for one day and then threw them out.

He was a mechanic in the Air Force and speaks fluent French, and both of those are the truth.

Let's just admit it.

2007-11-16T10:58:00.000-06:00

Winnie the Pooh was poor at spelling, but compared to other wild bears he was almost a genius.

U decide 2007

2007-11-14T09:02:00.000-06:00

What should the new generic question and answer that people greet each other with be?

For centuries this was the only option:

- How goes it with you?
- Quite well indeed.

and people were polite about it but kind of bored and anxious. Then the 20th century happened and everyone went crazy with new questions and answers to greet each other with. In WWII era most people said:

- How are you?
- Fine thanks.

which has retained popularity in some circles even to this day. In the 1960's hippies invented:

- What's up?
- Not much.

which in 1991 was briefly relpaced with:

- What's up?
- The sky.

but this interpretation was squashed within a matter of weeks, and the generic question and answer people greet each other with became:

- How's it going?
- All right. (variation: "pretty good.")

But people have gotten fed up with this lately, and they are demanding a new option for things to say when they see their sort-of friend and don't know what to say to them. What should it be? You must decide. Please select from the options below:

Option A.
- How are you feeling?
- Healthy and strong.

Option B.
- Where are you coming from?
- A good place.

Option C.
- Is it nice to see me?
- It is always nice to see you.

Option D.
- Why has it been so long since we have seen each other?
- Because you are in such high demand.

Option E.
- Do you like this outfit?
- I love that outfit.

Option F.
(write-in)

A word that's wrong.

2007-11-09T15:10:00.000-06:00

If you defeat someone, it means that you are the winner. But if something was a defeat for you, like if you say, "In my life there have been many defeats," it means losses, instead of wins, and that is wrong.

The person who designed this word was trying to keep English-speaking people on their toes, the way that your literature teacher puts the question "What did David Copperfield do for a living" on the test just to trick anyone who did not read the book into answering magician.

Assload of facts

2007-11-05T18:05:00.000-06:00

CLASSIC ROCK edition.

"Rocket Man" was supposed to be a less scary version of "Space Oddity" that would not upset the children.

George Martin still gets sheepish and uncomfortable whenever someone calls him the fifth Beatle.

The man who wrote "Monster Mash" can't believe that in 45 years no one has written a better song about Halloween, but that's the way it is, and he's still making a lot of money off of it.

In "Cat's Cradle," the father was actually better off not spending time with his son because his son was an asshole.

After the Turtles named themselves the Turtles everyone was like okay, that's enough of naming ourselves "The" and then a word after it for a while.

Everyone got really mad about the song "Like a Rock" and to this day no one likes it.

Fun with anagrams

2007-11-05T10:42:00.000-06:00

PEELS SLEEP*

* Palindrome alert y'all.

The wrap-up montage.

2007-11-03T12:32:00.000-05:00

In simpler times the most important scene in a sitcom episode was the heart-to-heart. The rules of this scene were:

After much denial the truant party (you are probably picturing Stephanie Tanner) admits to an earlier wrong-doing.
The more morally upright person (this time let us picture Chandler) imparts some wisdom that transcends the issue at hand and reaches the hearts of us, the viewers.
(And this is an essential but forgotten rule) The mood is broken with a hilarious joke. (e.g. Joey walks in and demands a sandwich)

But people started to make fun of this scene (often to delightful results) and now it is harder to come by.

Which brings us to the new most important scene in television, which is the hour-long drama wrap-up montage. The rules are as follows:

It has to start when there are only five minutes left in the show.
All of the story lines that you have just seen in the last fifty-five minutes are wrapped up in a single shot where you see that even though everyone was whining about their problems they are secretly kind of happy. (e.g. The people who are probably going to get a divorce still like to smile while looking at their dog.)
In the background, the main female character says things that are very broad and might apply our lives.
Also in the background, a beautiful song is sung by a woman wearing mascara and a cashmere tunic.
(Optional) Something very surprising and terrible happens in the last shot. (e.g. Meredith falls into a pool!)

This montage can be seen on Grey's Anatomy, Men in Trees, Ugly Betty and definitely many other shows. It probably should be made fun of.

U Decide 2007

2007-11-02T17:18:00.000-05:00

Should these things be called chick peas or garbanzo beans? Garbanzo is a fun word to say, but chick peas seems more respectful.

More facts to consider.

Is it a pea or is it a bean? It is a legume, so it's kind of both and neither at the same time.

"Chick pea" is of Latin origin and "garbanzo" is of Spanish origin. Yet ironically most of these things are consumed in a vegetarian eatery outside Berkeley, California.

So which will it be? U must decide.

From the mailbag

2007-11-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Actually Home,

My birthday's coming up, and I don't know whether to throw a party at my house or have everyone meet up at a bar. What do you think?

Signed,
Undecided

Dear Undecided,

Will the event be held on your actual birthday, or just the weekend night that's closest to it? Because no one likes to be a part of this conversation:

Guest: Is today your actual birthday?
Host: No, my actual birthday is on Tuesday.
Guest: Oh.

Signed,
Actually Home

Fun with anagrams

2007-11-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

PALEST PLATES