So how do you feel now? I feel like a I just got anal fisted by a gorilla on steroids. And he is giving me a thumbs up every time he penetrates. Its that good.

So just to make sure we are on the same page here, lets go through the cast to make sure that this WILL be the best movie ever made:

1. Danny Trejo

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger

3. Bruce Willis

4.Mickey Rourke

5.Terry Crews

6.Steve Austin

7.Randy Couture

8.Dolph Lundgren

9.Jet Li

10. Jason Statham

11.Sylvester Stallone

There are others listed in the cast but I can guarantee that they get murdered in the movie because no one cares about them.

I don’t even know if I could go watch this movie right now if it came out today. I think I would feel like a worthless piece of shit afterwards. That is why I’m going to do nothing but eat raw chicken and go to the gym everyday. And while your doing palates with your gf, I’m going to P90X myself naked while this trailer plays over and over (Not in front of the Jr. High this time though). I’m so pumped for this movie that if it didn’t conflict with my P90x’ing, I would take 5 Tylenol PM’s every time I woke up until the day it comes out that way I could just dream about it until I watch it in the theater.

I have to give this trailer a 9/10 boners which is almost the highest rating I could give anything. It is missing one boner because I didn’t see Jesse “The Body” Ventura or Chuck “I fought Bruce Lee” Norris in the credits. I heard someone say that Chuck was in the movie, its just that he is so fast you cant see him. That person soon died from invisible strangulation.

What do you guys think of this trailer?

So I think marketing techniques in Japan are a little different than here because the damn drink has the most random shit on the bottle. I’m not sure why there is a life raft, straw hat, and a pig smoking a cigarette on the bottle but its fucking awesome in my book (that’s a short book). My best guess is that the dude in charge of making the graphics for Ramune Drink either smoked a pound of potweed while shopping at Japan-Mart and these are the random ass things that ended up in his cart, or this company really doesn’t give a fuck and gave up a long time ago. If it were me making this shit, I’d put the sweetest shit ever on the bottle: Shit like sweet corvettes pealing out, a picture of me, a whiskey bottle, hot bitches with huge tits, hot bitches with medium sized tits, and probably a picture of a little boy riding a Unicorn riding a wave a glitter (to get some of the pedophile demographic that no one ever seems to go for).

So the entire top of the bottle has directions plastered all over it with giant warnings saying “Don’t Eat the Plunger” and “Throw away the plunger as soon as you’re done with it”. Do they think I’m a tard? I know that all these warnings and shit are just precautions so I gave it to my 2 year old nephew and let him play in his room with it for a bit while I went to the store to find some crackers to go with my Ramune Drink. I’m a pretty “Green” guy these days too so I cut the power to the house, pulled the phone lines, and walked the 2 miles. Just trying to do my part.

Getting back to the drink; I take off the “plunger” which is just a hard piece of plastic, and push the marble through so that it falls into the middle of the drink where it rests. So now as you take a drink, the marble cradles back and forth in the middle of the bottle. It’s pretty rad. Its not the raddest thing in the California, but its definitely more exciting than any handjob I got in high school (Sorry Jamie Hanson. I know I said it was great at the time, but after every one of your sweet HJ’s I had to run home and soak my dick in warm Vaseline just to sit down right the next day. ( I think that chick does nothing but skiing and chopping wood in her free time) ).

Back to the drink; it’s got a refreshing taste that seems to linger on the palate. Sweet aromas of cherry and oak make this a perfect spring time addition to any mixed salad or even by itself. Also, drinking Ramune Drink on a hot summer’s night should not be out of the question. The drink is also just fucking sugar and water so maybe just buy it for the acid-flashback-esq bottle and the floating anal bead in the middle and let it sit on the shelf.

Things you can use this drink for:

1. Show your friends that you are multi-cultural and can speak fluent Japanese, are good at math, can make cars that are superior to all others until one day they start accelerating by themselves, can do karate, and eat food with two pieces of wood without splintering them into your bottom lip.
2. Your marble collection. Until you realize that the marble is made of baby whale prostates.
3. Impressing everyone
4. Getting type 2 Diabetes
5. Using the plunger that comes with it to fix GI Joe’s toilet after he has had a long night of drinking and eating super burritos.

Last Note: I’m not sure why a drink would have a marble with it but it seems to work in its favor. Kind of like why bums always have dogs. Whey the fuck do they have dogs if they can’t afford food for themselves? Do they eat the dogs when they get real hungry? I would like to think so but we don’t live in a perfect world. The fact is I feel sorry for the dogs and want to give them money. I said “want”. I usually just kick them on my way into Sizzler (The bums).

I give this drink a 9 out of 10 boners for being hella awesome. If you try it out and don’t like it, at the very least keep the bottle and replace the contents with a rufi-colada for the next time you have hot Asian company over.

They have a bunch of flavors including Sangria which tricks you into thinking its alcohol. Not cool. Buy this shit from the link below or die a slow death: Ramune Japanese Soft Drink Mix 6 Flavors

Anyone else try this shit?

They Don't Fuck Around

I went down to New Orleans over the “Holiday” school break (I say school break because I don’t have a job and going to school is the last thing I remember doing that didn’t give me herpes or try to get me to send money to Africa). So I went down to N.O. to have lunch with my buddy Lil Wayne because he is going to jail soon and wanted talk about the future of our hummingbird collections. We stumbled down Bourbon St. after a long night of getting crunk and dropping it like it were hot when I saw this hot sauce for sale called The Hottest Fucking Sauce. It had the word fuck in it so I had to buy it on principle. I even got the censored version which probably means that it is made with more baby seal eyelashes than the original.

The bottle is pretty neato as you can see. It has a couple run on sentences so I wrote a letter to the company demanding a refund. I’m a perfectionist and I refuse to use hot sauce that endorses improper grammar. Still waiting for a reply. The bottle says shit like “Its like the fiery depths of hell” and “Scream fuck at the top of your lungs” which is pretty cool because I like things from hell and I always scream “fuck” whenever I’m close to a daycare or a Turrets Anonymous meeting. The bottle is also small which is good because if this shit came out like catchup your chimichanga might be the last thing you ever ate.

So here is a breakdown of the ingredients which are hard as fuck to find on the bottle I might add. They are disguised as the border and in real small lettering probably because half this shit is banned in the U.S. more than Wesley Snipes is.

Main Ingredients:

1. Habanero Peppers (Great)

2. Water (Oh real great. Lets just waste more water.)

3. African Oleoresin (What the fuck is that? I think they use this in Africa as a contraceptive)

4. Scotch Bonnet Peppers (These must be good for you)

5. Censored Ingredient (Judging by the taste and texture I’m guessing that the “censored ingrediant” is the toenail shavings of the Great Northern Plains Wild Piglet of Tajikistan or its just Corn Syrup)

Stuff you can do with The Hottest Fucking Sauce

1. Try to take the title of the sauce literally and use it as fucking sauce. I would suggest doing this with a hooker or at least a meth-head so you wont have any legal ramifications (excluding ALA, and HI). You also don’t have to worry about AIDS due to the severe burning! Win-Win. Make sure to dip what is left of your dick into a glass of milk so to preserve it in case you want to show how much of a bad-ass you are to your friends.

2. Replace bird feed with The Hottest Fucking Sauce and your dinner will not only be flying onto your plate (literally), but it will already be seasoned. Thanks HFS!

3. If you have kids or roommates (same difference) and you suspect they are dipping into your jar of Vaseline for “Personal Lubrication” just sprinkle a little of The Hottest Fucking Sauce in there and they will never dip their dirty little hands in it again. They might even thank you for not having to confess at church so much. Jesus didn’t spank because his pube dreads got in the way.

4. If you have one of those Mexican friends that always brags about how much they loooove hot food more than anyone else does because their culture puts Jalapenos in the local well water then let them put some of this shit on their queso and watch them run to the nearest biblioteca to use the bano so they can blow fuego out their culo.

I like hot shit and I especially like hot shit that looks cool so I give this 8 out of 10 boners.

You can find The Hottest Fucking Sauce on their website at http://www.xxxratedhotsauces.com where they use a bunch of sexual references like ‘Cum join our mailing list” which is both trashy and rad.

Can Also Be Used To Smuggle Meth In Your Ass

So who ever made this shit is sick and twisted. Who makes something that looks exactly like a tampon (I saw one once), has cocaine inside of it, will kill your dog, and markets it for kids 4 years old and up? Some 42 year old hairy overweight dude that lives in his mom’s basement in Slovakia, I’m sure of it.

Lucky for you guys I was cruisin the isles of Cost Plus World Market looking for lost kids to talk to when I found Dr. Wacko’s Magic Snow. That’s when I said to myself “Who doesn’t need fake snow”? Then I thought “Polar Bears, Penguins, Eskimos, The Climate, and pretty much 99% of everything ever probably does not need fake snow”. So I bought some. This is not your ordinary fake snow though. This is do-it-your-fucking-self-fake-snow which only needs warm water and a good attitude to make. Unless you live in Kuwait where you have neither (no fake snow for you! It says this specifically on the box).

This shit takes about 1 minute to make and 10 minutes to clean up but it is all worth it. How many parties do you go to that have fake snow? That’s right, none. Now your party is going is gonna be sick and everyone will want to add you as a friend on facebook  and have sex with you (this      excludes ugly people and non-Californians).

Its White Gold Motherfucker!

So pop some of Dr. Wackos in a big bowl by unloading the tampon of crack into it, some hot water, and blamo; you’ve got luke warm semen that is supposed to look like snow. Either people will think your the raddest person ever, or they will add you to the Megans Law website.

All jokes aside, for $3 bucks this is not too bad of a buy. If you have kids under 5 you can probably trick them into thinking your a wizard or a really gay super hero of which only has the power to create snow from tampons. You can also teach them about science considering Dr. Wacko is a real doctor and has been making this stuff for years now. It says on the package that he makes this in China which is too bad because I have a magic finger I would like for him to take a look at. I think it’s infected.

I think the real mystery is what’s in this stuff. My guess is that it is either unused pogs from the 90’s or the tears of baby dolphins.
What is cool about the Magic Snow is that it can be used for other things besides holiday fun. Here is an idea, take some of this shit and put it in all of the cups in your dishwasher. That way when your mom runs the dishwasher and goes to put them away (Which is the only thing she should be allowed to do), she will open that sucker up and think an alien jizzed all

Fake Snow Can Make Any Tree Look Better. Except for Mine Which Looks Like it Lost a Bet With God.

over her Best Mom Ever mug. If she blames it on you tell her that your a Mormon and don’t believe in masturbation.

I’m going to have to give Dr. Wacko’s Magic Snow 8 out of 10 Boners because it felt more like a do-it-yourself meth maker and that made me feel important like Fergie.

Good luck finding this shit if you don’t have a Cost Plus World Market in your hood. I’m sure you can get it off the interweb but beware of imitators. Don’t buy anything from someone whom has less than a Doctorate. Dr. Wacko didn’t spend countless hours creating fake snow at a prestigious Chinese community college for nothing. The best way to find this stuff is by asking people on street corners in shady neighborhoods. Just ask for snow and if you have asked the correct sales clerk he should be able to locate that item for you. I heard it is expensive in certain locations though so shop around and ask about quantity discounts.

The Container Has Many Uses

1. Luke warm green pea baby food

2. 3 shots of well gin with a milk chaser (if you don’t know what well gin is: Its any gin that comes in a plastic container. That’s how you know its the good stuff.)

….Just fucking with you. That’s not the list. I wasted your time when I said I wouldn’t. Here is the real list for realzies this time:

1. As much Airborne as you can get into yourself. (Disclaimer: You should take as much as the box recommends and not what I recommend. If you die from doing what I tell you to then your an idiot and deserve it.)

Why: I know that there was a big lawsuit with these fuckers because they claimed that they stopped colds which apparently they don’t, but this shit has all the vitamins your gonna need to fight off the Swine in your body. It pretty much gets your body ready for the epic battle of the century that will be fought in your body. Kinda like when you get ready to clinch your ass every time you bend over around your uncle Todd.

2. 1 shot of Tequila. You only need one shot Dickfart so don’t over do it.

Why: Tequila is the only Alcohol that is an upper instead of a downer and it will raise your temp a bit to help start killing that shit. A 100 year old Mexican dude told me about using it for colds and said that if I told anyone about it that he would have to kill me. Luckily that was 10 years ago and he either cant figure out how to get on the internets anymore or is a Mexican ninja doctor waiting to strangle me with a chorizo suasage the next time I take a shower. Another great thing about tequila is that it also makes you go out in public so you can happily spread the flu to all the frat guys at the bar. So if your a chick (or not), and you have the swine flu, do body shots of teq off that SIMGMA IMAGAY guy that you’ve been checking out and kill two birds with one stone. Don’t tell him about the secret swine flu cure and you will be kiling two birds with one stone plus one Douche-Bag.

3. This is the most important part: APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. This shit works. I Fucking Swear it. Mix this shit with some honey (agave nectar if you have it) and some cinnamon. Drink as much of this as possible.

Why: Don’t have a fucking clue but it works. People have been doing this for like 100,000 years or some shit and I see why. It works. I think its the only reason why all the Spartans in the movie 300 didn’t die of the plaque. Tons of studies have been done that show this stuff works ( I just can’t find any). I think it has to do with how the acid intercepts the gamma rays of deficient cells while keeping the protons of mass radiating pro biotic fucntions. Itfuckingworksdoit.

So that’s it. If you get sick try this because I swear by it. I give the Apple Cider Vinegar a 9 out of 10 boners because it is awesome but makes your breath smell like a fart in the microwave. The rest I give 7 out of 10 boners because it works but costs a lot if you have to buy it all at one time. Whatever you do: Do not buy all that bullshit medicine with all the bullshit bullshit in it. Its all marketing. Stick with the all natural old school stuff. Hey, it worked for everyone during the bubonic plague. Why not for you.

Get The Apple Cider vinegar Here: Bragg – Apple Cider Vinegar, gallon, 1 liquid

I like This  Type of Airborne because I can pretend its Cocaine to impress my highschool friends: Airborne Power Pixies Variety Pack 4 Great Flavors Total of 8 Packets

The Clase Azule bottle is pretty sick. The reposado is porcelain with a handmade sterling silver agave emblem on the front. And when I say handmade I mean its made of the hands of the poor farmers who get their hands caught in the machine. The bottle is so nice that its almost worth buying. Here are some reasons you should buy Clase Azul for the bottle:

1. You can buy it once and then fill it up with Cuervo Gold and still impress everyone. That is until they wake up with a headache that feels like a train crashing into the sun and have a sore butthole.

2. You could definitely leave this bottle on your desk and your boss would never know that it wasn’t just for decoration. That way when you want to drink yourself into depression you can actually do it at work instead of going home and doing it:) This also saves on gas.

3. After your done with the teq, the bottle works great for granny. She will never know and this classic tequila bottle/urn  is a great way to celebrate Grandma’s drunken homophobic outbursts during dinner. Just tell everyone in the family that you had it specially made and that the agave plant emblem on the front is actually an old family heirloom that grandma gave you just before she passed. The fam will be impressed by your awesomeness and you will be sure to get mad props from mom and dad.

That said. There are a lot of good small production tequilas out there and this is one of them, but spending so much on a bottle of something that’s going to end up mixed with Top Ramen and spewed onto the pavement is not recommended. This stuff is really good tequila and if it were not so expensive I would say buy it. I’m going to have to say that for $100 bucks you could get more bang for your buck. 30 bucks for some Don Julio, 50 bucks for a nice massage, 20 bucks for a happy ending to that massage (25 bucks for female: Gender specific inflation), and 30 bucks to me for telling you not to buy this.

Gonna have to give this 4 out of 10 boners so that means it falls into the “Shit that Sucks” category.

I got my bottle of Clase Azul at Tres Agaves in San Francisco but you can buy this big blue dick at Bevmo here and if  someone is actually able to get this shit shipped to their house let me know because I have a 16 year old cousin that’s been trying to find a way to impress his girlfriend. And when I say impress I mean get drunk and have un-protected sex with.

I’m not gonna lie. I only listened to the song called A Mandatory Sacrifice which just happens to be the song for the video below. I thought by watching the video I would feel a little better about worshiping the sun god via music, but this video gave me nightmares about Al Gore wrapping a hanger around my neck.I don’t ever listen to this type of music but for some reason I can see why these guys are considered to be one of the best up and coming bands in the genre. Depths is Oceano’s latest release and I’m told that in the world of metal this album is one of the best of 09′.

Why you should buy this album:

1. Its great family time music. Just imagine going over the parents house during the holidays, making gingerbread cookies with the kids, gathering around the fireplace with some cocoa, and putting this album on the ol record player for all to enjoy. Little Timmy will start crying and want to stab the dog, mommy will tell daddy about the time she was in a Cinco De Mayo themed gang bang, and all of this at the cost of just 10 bucks.

2.  Whenever Bevis and Butthead come over to your pad you can impress them with your current death metal knowledge.

3. If your microwave stops working you can just play something from the Oceano album and if your bean burrito doesn’t melt all the way, it might still be edible.

All that aside. This band is actually pretty cool. They are super into saving the world and most all of their songs are about how we are fucking everything up with our polluting Hummers and hamburgers. They are trying to save the world by making you worship your inner devil.

If your not scared check out the video below before you buy the album:

So I give this a solid 7 out of 10 boners. What would you give it?

You can buy just this song on gaytunes but I would recommend buying the entire album on mp3 here: Depths

I don’t know if a little kid could even hold this thing let alone aim it which is good for me. While they are trying to reload it I can just slam em with pre-packed ice hardened balls of death(which is subsequently what my girlfriend calls my balls). Its plastic but its durable and your balls better be nice and hard for this to work with any type of accuracy. At one point, when I really needed the balls to come they wouldn’t. They just got stuck inside the rubber…band slingshot. My balls might have been too cold and shrunk a little. Whatever the reason, it sucks ass.

All in all it was a good idea and I would have been stoked to get this for Christmas as a kid if we weren’t Jewish. (We had Christmas. My parents were just stingy). I would stick to just using your good ol arm instead of this hunk of plastic hell. Unless Showgirls was on HBO last night and your throwing arm is tired. Then buy this for yourself. I give it 2 out of 10 boners.

I found it pretty cheap here WHAM-O SnowBall Blaster if you still want to buy it for nephew you hate.

So here is the lowdown. This shit has a lower glycemic index than sugar or honey and you need less of it because its real sweet. It’s organic, doesn’t kill anything except good Agave plants that could have been used for Tequila, and sustainable. It’s also fucking delicious. If I had to drink my way out of a swimming pool of Agave Nectar I could. I pretty much put it in everything. My coffee, protein shakes, tea, cookies, on my pancakes, on strippers. Its universal.

This shit is like the Duct Tape of sweeteners. You can use it for everything. Another good thing is that its not too expensive. I got mine at BevMo but I also found it Amazon using the link below. Apparently you can buy used Agave Nectar on Amazon but I don’t suggest that. Unless you want to wake up in cold bathtub in Mexico sans kidneys. I would suggest getting a big fucking jug of this shit and using for everything.

Bottom line: Buy it. I got a huge boner from this shit so I’m going to give it a 9 out of 10 on the boner meter.

You can buy this Awesome Shit Here: Madhava Agave Nectar

I’m kinda really stoked that someone invented these things. I was going to try to run just barefoot but didn’t want random pieces of junk going into my feet. The insides of these things are soft enough for comfort and chafe which I hate. They were pretty much like gloves and not O.J. gloves but ones that actually fit like gloves (for your feetsies). The outsides of the shoes are pretty rugged and were protecting me from the random shit on the sidewalk and the trail. I’m sure if you lived in a place like, lets say Downtown Tijuana you wouldn’t want to wear these things unless you wanted hypo needles and broken tequila bottles as part of your feet.

I give these amazing wonders 4 out of 5 boners which is pretty good. I guess the only thing that could have been better would have been if they had cooler colors. I think people might have thought I was starting to turn into a smurf from the feet up.

Here is a link the pink girls shoes which I know you’ll want:Vibram FiveFingers Sprint – Women’s (FREE SHIPPING)