For a number of years I have been gratified to study human beings in their many different incarnations and modes of existence. I daresay they remain an enigma to me and have proven—as the case invariably must turn out in the particular tale at hand—impossible to write about with any real accuracy on account of their many self-contradictions and ambiguities. I find the longer I am acquainted with someone the more they surprise me and the less I feel I know them. Indeed, my oldest friends, of whom I have not a few, are the most baffling to me. The seemingly most obvious of their signature characteristics have revealed themselves upon exhaustive inspection as deep wells of dark complexity. I would never think of attempting to write about them.

I have said that I rove and write, yet I do so with no particular aim in mind. I never have established a logical itinerary and have no interest in publishing my scribbled observations. I feel that to do so would separate me overly much from the everyday people and lives which serve as my private canvas and the wellspring of what wisdom I may have earned. It is enough that they instruct me and I make record of it.

Given my penchant for cataloging it should come as little surprise that I travel under the guise of an assistant librarian of the secondary schools. I find this sort of cover occupation suits me very well: the work is unchallenging and the environment allows me to observe closely students and coworkers while dwelling among books. Though I never stay long in any one place, I am pleased to report the impression I give to my coworkers—at least to my knowledge—is always a favorable, or at least harmless, one. I take an interest in the people around me, listening to their trials and aspirations, as well as the books placed in my charge, binding them if necessary and organizing them into their designated places. Many a school librarian will frown at a student who takes down from the shelves a great stack of books, but I am always delighted following such a student’s departure to learn what he or she has been reading, speculating about the nature of their assignment or personal interests, before returning the books to their places like the parent who gently tucks their children back into bed.

________

The account I set down here is strange and terrible—a tale one scarcely dares disturb the ashes of its memory. Indeed, so peculiar are the circumstances of the story that I can hardly believe myself to have actually been party to them. I cannot vouch for all of its particulars—at times I was reduced to speculation—but its undeniable sadness serves to fire its veracity, as is often the case with the events of life in this, our sad world.

I was entering my second year as assistant librarian at Happy Brook Middle School, a public institution of perhaps five hundred students set among the gentle rolling hills of rural western central Virginia. I had just returned from London where I had helped my mother sell her house in St. John’s Wood so that she could take up a little age-friendly flat within convenient walking distance of Whitehall and was looking forward to assuming my usual routine of observing people and organizing books against the backdrop of a new school term.

My best friends at Happy Brook were Gorm Morstlan and Charlotte Sheppard, a married couple of uncommon talent and charm. Upon my arrival I had taken a fancy to them at once and they, in turn, had tucked me under their wing, introducing me to coworkers and their friends, and helping me to navigate the various machinations of the school. It was not uncommon for me to dine with them twice a month and also to spend time with each of them separately. As head librarian of Happy Brook, Charlotte was my immediate supervisor whom I interacted with on a daily basis. Gorm, on the other hand, I saw away from school, attending the shows of the various bands in which he performed. He played a passable jazz flute and I took pleasure in having a drink or two with him after one of his performances and studying also the diverse persons in the crowds who attended his barroom gigs.

Gorm had an easy manner and humorous way about him. He took life—his teaching included, I am afraid—none too seriously, which made him a light and entertaining companion. He was small, slangy of speech, pleasantly sarcastic, and not a little narcissistic, though this quality did not offend me. He seemed happy in his marriage and his variable day-job/night-job routine. Charlotte was an extremely nice smallish, sensitive woman with dark eyes which lurked beneath fine eyebrows. She was not pretty in the conventional sense, but certainly attractive and possessed of a very agreeable disposition which drew people to her.

When I was new at Happy Brook, Gorm and Charlotte had appeared genuinely happy to meet and come to know me. Indeed, very quickly I seemed to assume some positive function in their marriage the entire nature of which I remained uncertain. Charlotte informed me she was grateful for my arrival in the library given that she seldom had anyone with whom to talk books. For Gorm it was my occasional presence at his gigs and willingness to have drinks with him which I think both stoked his ego and afforded him something of the illusion of being single again. Indeed, he was not above flirting with a girl or two at his performances and seemed to take my presence as an available male as license to do so.

My collective friendship with Gorm and Charlotte—especially those occasions on which I taught them Bridge and Canasta or lounged about the lake near their home—brought a sense of warm belonging to me. Rarely had I bonded with coworkers as I moved from place to place. Part of the reason, of course, is that I knew I would be passing on by and by. Another circumstance, however, was my conviction that if I came to know the people with whom I interacted too well, I would sacrifice that capacity to observe, which enabled my particular life’s passion and purpose. Yet I gave myself over to both Gorm and Charlotte as confidant and bosom spirit. This, I believe in retrospect, is precisely what blinded me to the true nature of their lives and the tragic events which transpired. One eventually discovers or recalls that attached to the high brow is the bone head, and it soon became evident there was much which had eluded me, despite the not insignificant pride I took in my powers of observation.

________

I was shocked—and I am not one easily shocked—when, during the second week of new term classes and within two days of each other, Gorm and Charlotte approached me separately to request my attendance at a deposition arranged by a lawyer of Charlotte’s which was aimed to serve as a precursor to facilitating their divorce. Gorm apparently had been involved in sexual exploits with a number of women for years and currently was involved in a relationship of sorts with Happy Brook’s guidance counselor—a woman I knew only by appearance named Jasmine Sykes.

“I’m afraid most of it’s true,” he informed me flat out. “I’d like to try to make you understand later, but for now all I’m asking for is your support as a friend. I’d like you to be there”

Gorm appeared troubled as he uttered these words, but otherwise he was his normal self: prepossessed, laid back, and not a little self-righteous. I never would have guessed the true circumstances of his life at that time.

On the other hand, though I did not know the reason for it, I had been suspicious of the condition of Charlotte’s physical health since the school year began. Upon the resumption of classes following the summer break, I had noted her marked loss of weight, the dark circles beneath her eyes, and the frequency with which she retired to her office and shut the door. I wondered at these signs, but thought better of asking her about them given the possibility she might take offense and interpret my inquiries as insults to her appearance or professional demeanor. Yet these concerns proved groundless when she approached me about the deposition a day or two after Gorm had.

“I’d like for you to be there,” she said, echoing the sentiments of her estranged husband, “as a friend who knows us both.”

I elected to say nothing of Gorm’s request out of my divided loyalty, but I readily agreed to her request.

“You realize this is heartbreaking for me, Charlotte,” I said. “I think so much of you and Gorm and you both have been so kind to me.”

She smiled—a bitter smile, I thought—before she spoke. “Thank you,” she said through tight lips, “but it’s likely you won’t think so well of him when this thing is over.”

With that she had turned and entered her office, slamming the door behind her.

________

I slept poorly the night before the deposition. The three weeks which lay between my double-invitation and the actual event had seemed an eternity as I awkwardly maintained my friendships with Gorm and Charlotte. Gone, however, was the warmth of that three-person fellowship which had brought us all together the previous year. Eyes open to the adverse nature of their lives, I began to notice things about both of them which I had either neglected before or which had evolved more recently out of the general dysfunction of their marriage. Whereas I know for a fact she had loved her job in the past, Charlotte had come to be short with coworkers and students alike, ushering them out of her path as quickly as she might. She continued to lose weight and employed her office as if it were a bunker to shut out the bombardment of life’s events. On two occasions, needing to ask her an urgent question, I had knocked and opened the door to discover her lying in the dark, back against the floor, breathing heavily.

“Charlotte,” I asked softly the second time this happened, gently closing the door behind me so that no one else might see, “are you alright?”

“Yes,” she said. “Please go.”

And I had, as softly as I had entered, but not without a great heaviness in my heart.

Meanwhile, I took note of Gorm’s trajectory in the opposite direction. He seemed to have more energy, more vitality. He had put on weight and his eyes and voice conveyed a kind of unnatural fever.

“Come out with me,” he urged. “I’ll tell you all about it. You’re the great observer.” He laughed.

“I’d like to,” I said, as politely as I might, “and I’ve promised to support you at the deposition, but remember I am still Charlotte’s friend too.”

At this his face had darkened slightly.

“She’s causing me a lot of trouble,” he said. “Needless trouble.”

It was then we were joined by Jasmine Sykes. The two of us inspected each other coolly. She was an attractive woman despite her flat chest, stringy blonde hair, and lusterless eyes.

Gorm had the presence of mind to introduce us, but when he had done so she grasped his hand and whispered something in his ear. They both smiled.

Clearly the whisper and handholding was less for Gorm and more a voiceless sign to me, albeit something I was not meant to know but rather only guess at. I stood there awkwardly as they bade me farewell and sauntered away together. Happy Brook it seemed had become a place of unspeakable things

________

I arrived early on the day of the deposition, resigned I suppose to make myself available to Gorm or Charlotte should either wish to have a word with me beforehand. However, I found the little room in the courthouse already occupied. Gorm was sitting next to Jasmine Sykes. As he was positioned closest to the door, he was able to shake my hand as I entered and murmur his thanks. Jasmine did not look at me and instead stared straight ahead as though she were inhabiting some other place.

On the other side of the room sat Charlotte between her lawyer and a man I would later learn had served as Gorm’s and Charlotte’s marriage counselor: a Dr. Short. Charlotte smiled at me and mouthed her thanks as I took up a chair near the middle of the room, almost directly between the two parties. I let out a weary sigh. Each thought I was there for them.

Once seated I was able to examine the room’s other two occupants: attractive, younger women whom I had never before seen. Involuntarily, I glanced from them to Gorm. It was not difficult to guess the form the deposition would take.

It is unnecessary to relate in detail how the proceeding transpired once they were underway. One by one, in succession, Gorm and his lovers were examined and picked apart, the most humiliating and squalid of their acts laid bare for all in attendance to absorb. I periodically glanced at Charlotte throughout. Her expression fluctuated but was always difficult to read. Sometimes it seemed one of disgust, while at other points there appeared almost a glimmer of sorrow, even pity for the woman on hand. When Jasmine was called forth Charlotte’s face was a blank; there might have been no one there speaking. Charlotte’s lawyer had prepared a visual presentation based largely on evidence gathered by a private investigator. It documented Gorm’s and Jasmine’s illicit relationship in excruciating detail with entries from Gorm’s computer journal, explicit phone messages, and vulgar photos, including a disgusting sequence involving Jasmine’s twin sister, Mona.

It is a dangerous thing to seek to artificially order the lives of others and I have often wondered at the legal system’s confidence in forcing upon its victims measures that must necessarily alter their psyches and life paths. As the deposition wore on, I began to wonder what real good it was accomplishing. Gorm’s former lovers were subjected to embarrassment and humiliation in a manner that aided no one while, if anything, the proceedings likely would only draw Gorm and Jasmine closer together, increasing the strength of their bond. And it was clear the event was affording Charlotte little or no genuine satisfaction or peace. Indeed, at that moment a distasteful thought entered my mind: that Charlotte was hurt when she discovered Gorm’s unfaithfulness not because she loved him so much, but more because she loved herself so much. Shaking my head in an attempt to clear it, I nevertheless failed to banish the notion.

*

One of the inconveniences of real life—of a true tale drawn from life—is that it seldom affords you a complete and satisfactory story. I saw little of Gorm and Charlotte after the deposition. Whereas before I had served each as a symbol of something positive which existed between them exclusive of me, after the proceedings it seems I performed a similar function albeit in a negative light. It was as if I had come to be a symbol of their marriage—of its best parts—and thus held no future function for either of them once they were resigned to the fact that it should be destroyed forever.

As for myself, I wished only to make it through the remainder of the term before quitting the place. I had turned in my resignation not long after the deposition, even though I had no future plans of my own and lacked a clear idea of what I wished to do. I did however begin to rethink the way I had been living my life and began to doubt if I would continue to persist in my old habits. It has been said the wise traveler travels only in his imagination and that quotation was much on my mind in the weeks following my resignation. At last I resolved that I would give up my roaming for a time and live in the little cottage in St. John’s Wood mother had refrained from selling along with her house.

I knew, however, this would not serve as a permanent arrangement—had known it long before, just minutes in fact after the conclusion of the deposition. The room having emptied, I was left standing with Charlotte. She was very pale and her eyes possessed a glazed quality.

“My lawyer said that divorce could be like death,” she mumured, staring off into space. “The loss of a past loved one in all capacities.”

“Don’t say that, Charlotte,” I said.

I hesitated before adding, “Remember you have the power, to a certain degree, to shape it as you like.”

For a moment she was very still. Then she looked up at me—cold, hard eyes. “I wish he was dead,” she said through clenched teeth. “I really do.”

Though I knew her feelings were justified to a certain extent, an involuntary chill ran through me and for a moment I was afraid of her, even should an ocean stand between us.

But then the fear faded even as a frail warmth returned to her eyes and she collapsed against me, thin frame in convulsions. And it was in that instant I became aware of the presence of a wondrous grand thing I had encountered only once before. Invisible yet felt, always: the warm smile of life—of existence—on all its creatures, great and small, including these two sad people and the lonely person that was me. What choice had either of us but go on though our hearts prove as heavy as the world? With all of the books in existence, there remains always another tale to tell.

Use multiple layers depending upon your location and the weather conditions in your area. Three layers are optimal for being comfortable while training in the cold. More than three layers can sometimes get bulky and inhibit your movement based upon the physical activity. The key is getting motivated to go outdoors, and then staying motivated while exercising outdoors. If it’s too difficult being weighted-down with heavy layers, you’ll stop exercising and go back indoors. Not what you want!

Start with a base layer (against the skin) that is moisture-wicking (dry-wick/air-wick material) which allows perspiration to escape from the body while keeping you comfortable. As the moisture pulls away from the skin and into the innermost layer, you are kept warm and dry. Avoid fabrics that stay wet and absorb perspiration such as cotton. Some of the best inner layer fabrics are polyester and micro fiber-based fabrics, silk and some wool.

The two layers on top of the base layer should be ones you can easily take off when you get warm such as long-sleeve shirts, vests or jackets. Then if you get cool again, you can add these layers back on. The second layer is a mid-weight insulating layer to keep you warm. Some of the best insulating layer fabrics are wool, fleece, and some polyester fiber fabrics.

The third layer is like a “shell” to keep you protected from the wind, rain and other cold climate elements. Some of the best “shell” layer fabrics are waterproof and breathable materials. Based upon the weather conditions, a plastic raincoat also works.

Additional items that keep you warm:
• Science has proven the body loses most heat from the head, so wear a hat
• Light gloves wick moisture away from the skin and keep the hands and fingers warm
• Socks keep the feet warm and wick moisture away from the skin

All in all, choose layers based upon personal preference and what your skin can handle. For example, some people are allergic to wool and may break out in hives or begin to itch very badly. It’s also recommended to wash your moisture-wicking garments in cool water inside out, and to hang-dry them as the intense heat from a dryer can minimize the wicking power of the garment over time.

Now that you know how to layer-up, you are ready to take-on the cold winter climate and enjoy your outdoor exercise!

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2010 Full of Life Fitness, LLC.  All Rights Reserved.

With that in mind, please note that certain names have been changed to protect the guilty.

In contrast to previous months, October of 2007 seemed fairly innocuous. Karen and I had been legally separated since July, and I was trying (in vain) to interpret her ongoing litany of mixed messages and vague implications. Despite the resolute tone that marked every phone call, her disposition often changed the moment we were in close proximity. The resentment and general acrimony would dissipate, and we would find ourselves communicating again. Over the phone, Karen repeatedly assured me that our marriage was a dead issue. She wouldn’t deny having delivered the coup-de-grace, but felt no responsibility for its dissolution. She refused my pleas for counseling or other forms of reconciliation because she “couldn’t” be married to me; as if she didn’t have a choice in the matter because some cosmic presence was pushing her away.

In person, I would see a dramatically different side of Karen’s complex persona. She never failed to greet me with a tight embrace, and the level of affection would increase if we happened to be alone. Naturally, this was rather confusing and only compounded the emotional turmoil that characterized those early months of separation. I believed that through these one-on-one encounters, she was giving me a reason to hold on. Maybe she was confused about her own feelings and just needed time to sort them out. Surely a few months alone would give her enough perspective to realize that divorce was a rather extreme proposition. I refused to believe that she really wanted it; no more than I did, at least.

As the months passed, I began to see a side of Karen that was starkly unfamiliar. While always a bit dramatic, her personality took on a belligerent quality that seemed puerile and vindictive. One of her more insidious methods involved disregarding my attempts to contact her. I had witnessed Karen’s tendency to brush off friends and family members who violated her abstract code of fairness or principle, but never imagined myself on the receiving end. Even carrying out the simplest of tasks (e.g. picking up personal effects from the house) became a debacle that would go on for several days. Typically, the sequence of events would begin with my initial phone call, which would be ignored.

Every time.

Attempts to contact her by e-mail would be similarly deflected. I wanted to believe that she was just overwhelmed by work-related stress or the difficulties of managing a household by herself. However, there was a convenient irony in Karen’s tendency to leave multiple voice messages (usually 45 minutes apart) whenever she needed me to sign a check or remove my name from a joint account. I eventually came to realize that she saw very little of the world outside her own suffering and dissatisfaction, and truly felt entitled to some form of universal restitution.

It was 9:00 pm on a Friday when I received a rather unexpected (not to mention uncharacteristic) call from Karen. As promised, she had put our house on the market and was in the process of painting and having some electrical work done. She didn’t want my help with any part of the process, and was quick to let me know that several friends and co-workers were lending a hand. Naturally, I had a few questions about how she planned to carry out such an ambitious plan without my assistance.

“So someone is taking care of the electrical work?”

“Yes.”

“I thought we were hiring an electrician for that.”

“Well…we don’t have to.”

“One of your co-workers is an electrician?”

“Um, no.”

“So who is doing the work?”

A brief pause ensued.

“His, uh…his name is Eric. He’s an electrician.”

I was hearing Karen’s tone gradually decline from indignant confidence to an awkward stammer. Out of necessity, I braced myself before proceeding with the next question.

“Is there something going on there?”

Anticipating another pregnant pause, I was taken back by an irritating giggle.

“Please! He’s mama’s age!”

I marveled at how the southern charm that once enamored me had become little more than a blank affectation. She went on to explain that Eric had been introduced to her by a co-worker. Given that she was struggling financially (as tends to happen when one eliminates a spouse’s income from the monthly ledger), he was willing to donate his time and talent. She considered him a friend and supporter. In other words, he provided blind validation for those times when she needed to excoriate me.

“But there is something I should tell you.”

Once again, I felt my stomach wind into a spring.

“I asked Eric to go through the house yesterday and remove all the knives.”

A cyclonic blur of emotions came over me. She continued talking, but I couldn’t focus beyond the images flashing in front of me. I heard running water and saw pink rivulets trailing from the bathtub to the white tile floor. I saw the steely glint of a paring knife on the kitchen counter and static puddles of crimson against a linoleum canvas. I heard her muffled gasps as I resignedly blotted the angry red gashes across her thighs with Q-tips and antiseptic solution.

“God, I…I’m really sorry to hear that. Are you okay?”

“I am now.”

“It sure doesn’t sound like it. You should probably see someone.”

“I saw Dr. Gibson the other day. He gave me an antidepressant and a sedative. I’ll be fine.”

True to form, Karen had spent fifteen minutes with our family doctor and believed she was cured.

“You’ll need more than that. Take it from someone who knows.”

I was referring to my own penchant for self-destruction, which had a tendency to surface in turbulent times. Despite the difference in method (she turned to a knife, I turned to a bottle), I had always seen parallels in our respective coping mechanisms. But Karen would never acknowledge any such likeness, preferring to operate under the pretense that she was healthy and I was not.

With a petulant huff of exasperation, she proceeded.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a little busy at the moment. I’m having to sell a house by myself, you know.”

I was all too familiar with this line of reasoning. She had abruptly kicked me out of our home and refused my help at every turn. Just the same, it was my fault that she couldn’t keep the house and stood on the verge of bankruptcy. She “had” to do everything by herself because she “couldn’t” accept my assistance. She had not made a choice in the matter, because there was no other option. Therefore, Karen bore no responsibility for the stress that had seriously diminished her quality of life.

Slighted by her insinuation, I tried (churlishly, I might add) to reason with her.

“And whose choice was that?”

A deafening pause ensued.

“You arrogant fucking prick.”

Each word met my ears about a second apart, every syllable bursting with menace. I was admittedly shaken, but felt guilty for steering the conversation into such parlous territory. Taking a deep breath, I attempted to explain myself.

“I’ve tried to help you, but every time I reach out you push me away. I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for, and–”

“I’m done talking to you.”

With a sharp click of the handset, the discussion had ended.

On Karen’s terms.

The full story can be located on Chris’s website

Divorce is as prevalent as ever. There are people close to me that are in the middle of battles that are beyond me in comprehension. For example, one of my close family members is facing criminal prosecution currently. CRIMINAL! His ex wife is prosecuting him. What type of person does this? They have children and he is being prosecuted over money and finance. What has the world come to.

I was prompted to return to my writing here by my neighbor. We had a conversation last night as he walked by with his dogs. “hey, how’s it going? Not good. Oh? What up? Wife took my daughter on a trip and was not at the airport for her scheduled return….” Even for the celebs like Shania Twain and LeAnn Rimes, these are life changing events. Often times in the present moment life shattering.

I’ll start some new stories in the coming weeks. I have much to share about my own divorce that may be useful to others. Not negative bad gossip, no bashing…just experience of the chain of events i have seen in the past four post divorce years.

I urge all of you to pitch in and send your divorce story or experience. I have had some amazing feedback from the readers of this site. Any comments on posts, or submission of stories help others therapeutically.

It’s nice to write again!

First food consumption should be within 30 minutes of waking up everyday so you can jump-start your metabolism after sleeping all night.  Make sure you have a well-balanced meal with healthy carbs, protein and fat (not trans fat).  A few examples:

1)  Omelet made with free-rage organic eggs + fresh fruit + multi-grain toast
2)  Raw milk (contains healthy fat) breakfast shake with fruit and yogurt
3)  Multi-grain toast with peanut butter (great before a run if you’re short on time for breakfast)

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2010 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

So, despite the slightly faltering start to my relationship with my future wife, I thought my marriage was going to last forever. After all, we were from similar backgrounds and we had willingly agreed to marry after conducting a relationship for a few years and living together happily before the wedding day. We both viewed matrimony as a sacred institution that you did not enter into lightly, nor did you leave it.

In fact, for many years it seemed we were going to live out my vision of marriage and family life in much the way I had grown up to believe and expect. We lived pretty harmoniously, enjoyed doing things together, shared similar values and had a congenial circle of friends. We happily invested time and energy in our three children because their welfare was our primary concern. Overall the atmosphere in the house was convivial and relaxed.

This familial bliss continued for about fifteen years before cracks began to appear. For numerous reasons my relationship with my wife gradually deteriorated until we reached a stage where we were hardly touching each other and resentments began to build up. It was a dark period for me generally.

My solution to my mid-life crisis was to seek therapy for myself. By contrast, my wife’s response to our predicament was to get into bed with a work colleague. When I found out, about two months later, it hit me like a thunderbolt. I felt like I had been slit down my middle with a knife; opened like a tin can. The pain just seared through me. What I felt was an agonizing mix of betrayal, abandonment, hopelessness and impotence. It was as if my world had collapsed. My life partner, my wife of nearly twenty years, mother of my three children was saying, “It’s over. You are not good enough. I want a new man.” In the early stages I was completely swamped by a sense of my own inadequacy, as a man, and as a husband. Later these feeling turned into anger and rage.

Fortunately I had already started therapy. It did not take long for the therapist to point out the connection between what I was feeling then, aged forty-six, and what I had experienced but didn’t allow myself to feel at the age of ten, when my mother died – abandonment. My wife’s betrayal had opened up an old wound, touching a very deep vein in my makeup.

Betrayal in the form of adultery is always painful. In my case, its exceptional power lay in the fact that it reawakened my deepest emotions: my wife was rejecting me in much the same way I felt my mother had “rejected” me by dying. In effect the situation that resulted was similar, only now it touched the core of my being.

My therapy helped me enormously to deal with what I was experiencing. Firstly, to cope with the crisis and, secondly, to begin to understand the dynamic I had established in relation to my mother. It also helped me go through the mourning I had not gone through at the time of my mother’s death, playing the tough boy instead. For the next five years I was in weekly therapy, at first in a one-to-one format and then as part of a group. Throughout this period, which paralleled the disintegration of my marriage and eventual divorce, I delved into the nature of my relationship with my mother and the effect her dying had on me. Naturally the therapy covered other aspects of my life as well.

Over time I came to realize that what initially felt like a double blow – my wife’s betrayal coupled with my memory of my mother’s abandonment – eventually became a transformative experience for me. The insight I gained into my emotional patterns allowed me to turn the saga into an opportunity. Somehow I managed to lay most of my demons to rest and virtually begin life afresh. I emerged a new man, in charge of my own life, able to be my own good father and mother, and lover if necessary. I got the whiff of freedom in my nostrils and became aware of myself as a sexually attractive man. Inadvertently, my breakup launched me into my present, and best, phase of my life.

Posture is the alignment and function of all parts of the kinetic chain at any given moment.  The kinetic chain is the combination and interrelation of the nervous, muscular and skeletal systems in your body.  So in essence, any deviation from proper postural alignment can cause a change in the body’s center of gravity, which affects the ability of the nervous, muscular and skeletal systems to work together.  The correct functioning of each system, both statically (without movement) and dynamically (with movement), is required for optimum performance and movement.

The main purpose of proper posture is to maintain the alignment of the musculoskeletal system that allows our center of gravity to be maintained over our base of support.  The ability to effectively maintain balance is termed as postural equilibrium.  In essence, posture is the position from which all movement begins and ends.  When you have proper postural alignment, you are able to optimize the ability of the nervous system to communicate effectively with the muscular system.  All of this insures that the muscles are optimally aligned and functioning properly with the body’s joints, which in-turn allows for proper dynamic muscle actions in multiple planes of motion.

Any imbalances you may have can be corrected by strengthening and stretching various muscles throughout your body.  Knowing which muscles need to be strengthened or made more flexible is determined by a physical imbalance/postural assessment.  Work with your Certified Personal Trainer to correct your imbalances through a combination of proper flexibility exercises and strength training to help keep your physical imbalances at bay.  Also, be sure that your trainer knows how to properly perform an imbalance/postural assessment and design a workout program to correct them.

So what’s keeping you from fixing your physical imbalances?

Reference: The National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM).

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT at www.HeatherCPT.com.  All Rights Reserved.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

When Adam asked me to write some things for his blog, I had no idea what I might write on his major subject, and I didn’t know that I could write anything that might be of interest to others.

You, the readers of his blog, have made this old dude feel at home and for that I thank you. If you have found anything relevant, you make my day.
As you might imagine, (considering my age) I have a certain bond with your parents! Now, come on, it isn’t a dirty word. I have a question for you: Do you really know your parents? No matter what your answer is, I have a challenge for you.

I am certainly not the only one with a lifetime of interesting insights, So—

I want you to go to both your parents and ask them to write down some of the insights from their lives! Really! I don’t care if they say they can’t write or they were lousy in school. Plead with them, blackmail them, beg if you have to, but get them to write. I am willing to bet that you will be pleasantly surprised. You will see your parents in a new light and perhaps even begin to look on them as friends.

Adam’s Dad

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• Adam's Dad | Advice from a 64 year marriage

Well, she said.. I saw them dancing tonight.. Closely and she wasn’t wearing her ring..

Our time apart grew and grew.. We argued.. I was a bum..working 12-15 hours a day in my career and a side job to make it happen…what a loser.
She told me we should separate..
Separation means.. Stay married legally and sleep with other people right?
I didn’t agree…
Two months past..
Thanksgiving came.. I couldn’t be with them because of work.. I called and called.. The whole family all weekend had a reason she nor my son could come to the phone..
Three days before Christmas they were finally coming home.. The house looked great.. Flowers and clean bathrooms.. I was trying hard and expected a great reunion..
Instead, the night before I came home to a message on the machine from a woman whose voice I had never heard before asking me to call her and if I knew where my wife was..
Strange and unnerving I dialed back.. She proceeded to ask me about a guy.. If I knew him.. “Yes, that’s her brothers boss”
Well, she said.. I saw them dancing tonight.. Closely and she wasn’t wearing her ring..
Who are you? I asked
I can’t tell you.. She says..
His wife?
Silence..
I still don’t know to this day..
I called the house.. Everyone started to lie.. She wouldn’t get on the phone til I had her nailed..
They came home the next day..
My life changed forever that day..
I asked her more about it..
They are “friends”
She needed support.. “Its been hard”
She spent about 2 hours on the phone directly in the middle of all this so I started to snoop..
Firstly the computer where I found emails.. Love letters to be exact..
Then credit cards.. Charges at Victoria Secret far away from where they were suppose to be Thanksgiving weekend..
Oh yes, the purse.. Where I found to plane tickets with her name and his on it Thanksgiving weekend..
Guess the family was wrong.. They weren’t at the mall when I called… Simple mistake.. Mall/outta town with lover.. Hmmm….same difference..
So I confronted her and she denied traveling. That weekend and actually cursed me for questioning her.. Typical..
I flopped the tickets down and asked ” Well then what are these?”
Silence and walk away..
We are friends.. F you!!!!!
Wow!!!
I wanted blood.. Him her anyone.. 2 hours at the driving range and an hour of batting cages and driving around with road rage kept me out of jail.. Whew!
I moved out shortly after..

I will continue the rest and where we are today..
My son is now 13 and doing amazing..  Two stories to how it has transpired..
I will leave with this for now though..
We were official in September and she was married to her “friend” the following Mothers day.. Yes, Mothers day.. Really??
I congratulated her on finding a best friend to marry.. That’s what it is about..
Kudos, they have been married a year longer than we were and have two young children..
Oh did I forget to mention that when she went home at first she was pregnant and had a miscarriage.. My fault..
The mystery lady on the phone knew about it by the way and suggested it wasn’t mine..
Makes sense.. We had only slept together once in about 10 months..

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This, the ultimate question, has been the source of social puzzlement as well as scientific research for decades now. Even advocates for the well being of children stand on opposites sides.

The controversial and notable New York Times columnist Ayelet Waldman discussed in length, as she angered many, many moms, how she loves her husband more than her children. Unfortunately her point was missed on most of them: Being a responsible adult, Waldman’s underlined, she kept her marriage separate from her role as a parent. Being responsible adults, I said to the young student, married or divorce, you want to keep children out and away from adult issues that don’t pertain to them, if marriage is included, divorce no doubt.

And oh yea, that is just the case out there…

Reality is such that the ability to keep children out of divorce is tougher than anyone anticipates, and the likelihood of children becoming active participants in their parents’ business turns into the norm. Just visit Family Court House on any day of the week; if you were from out of space reporting on this phenomena you’d most likely be certain that all humans either gone mad or became criminals.

Divorce brings out the worst in all of us, probably like nothing else. In this time of crisis, feelings of total loss of control, helplessness, and an enormous sense of failure all generate blinding anger, outmost revenge and masterminded manipulations in the most harmful way. And as our children are the most valuable commodity we have, fighting for what seems to be their well-being can quickly turn into fighting to prove who truly deserves them. From that point on, any pre-existing, typical, child-rearing conflicts between parents might become evidence of a crime scene:

• Lateness equals kidnapping.
• Traces of breakfast on a child’s face – neglect worthy of reporting.
• A bruised knee – goes immediately on attorney’s record as proof.

And don’t tell me I’m exaggerating. If you have been a divorcing parent, you know you felt that, tried it, been there, done that.  And if there was an AA circle for divorced adults we’d all have to stand there and declare, shamefully I must add: I’m a Divorcee! Meaning, derailed from any mainstreamed and sane conduct of behavior.

Here’s a funny story, ha-ha…
One particularly chaotic morning with my three children (you’ve been there for sure), I sent my oldest to school… no, wait, it gets worst: to his 5th grade graduation ceremony – khaki pants nicely pressed, I’m sure I bought him a new shirt, and glasses. Oops, his glasses… Pause! Are you getting that court scene? My ex’s attorney’s face glowing with victory, all we’re missing is a shirtless victory lap, my own attorney disgraced, frustrated, perhaps secretly wishing she was the one representing the winning side, and me, shaken with guilt and mostly fear. Oh, I almost forgot. What was it that I did? My crime? I taped my son’s glasses… gasp… which broke at precisely 7 am that morning… gasp… together… with duct tape… final gasp. Could you let me explain? Anyone? Your Honor? Ex? Lawyers? May I speak? I think he was wrestling with his brothers, you know, like boys will do, or perhaps he was trying a new trick on his skateboard…

Alas, in this train wreck in the making it was up to my attorney to be convincing enough. Better yet, to be more brutal. Therefore, able to avoid all allegations and find some counter blame. Like:Your Honor, did you know that her ex forgot to check the backpack and therefore her child missed his best friend’s recital? There you go, good defense!

Wait! Why am I on trial here? You mean to tell me that from this moment forward, each one of my, our, parental choices, our parental mistakes go on trial? Does it mean that starting now I don’t only strive to be a perfect parent, I actually have to be one, never, ever make another mistake: any mistake, or else…? But, wait again, and just out of curiosity, other parents making some mistakes, actually every day, what about them?
Oh, I see. That doesn’t matter because they’re not getting a divorce… ah ha… gasp… let me take this in… gasp… somebody, please, wake me up from this nightmare! I want to wake up… I want to wake up… wake up…

Oh, thank-god! I’m awake. It was just a nightmare…

Well, some of it: I was going through a divorce and it was a dark, dark time, it was my son’s 5th grade graduation and I did tape his glasses together because they broke that morning.

Lucky for my children, my ex and I kept sane through it all, at least sane enough to never drag any of our parental mistakes to the courthouse or ever mention any of them to any divorce attorney.

But sadly enough, this story in every possible variation, plays through so many divorces on the court’s floor, to the dismay of all children watching the show, hating the show, caught in the middle, simply trying to get through their own life, may it be the next play-date with their best friend, watching their favorite TV show while eating ice-cream, or attending their 5th grade graduation, glasses broken or not.

If we could only remember, chant and practice, all together now:
Divorce is for adults only!
Keep (it) out of reach of all children at all times!
(repeats verse as many times as needed).
Please…

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For a full bio on Siggie Cohen, please click here

Divorce Getaway is a new show that is meant to be transformational and life changing for
those who participate. Recent divorces who may benefit from a show where we help them move-on, rebuild their self-esteem, and rebuild their lives will be a good fit for this show. “Divorce is getting more and more common and we want the newly divorced to know that they are not alone”, explains Glassman Media. Divorce Getaway will help get your life back, get back to your old self, and help realize life does in fact go on. Glassman Media’s casting assistant Blair Baskin explains that they are  looking to cast recently separated or divorced singles ages 25-45 who will benefit from a few weeks of growth as well as the time of their life. They can plan on at the very least a 5 star resort (probably a much needed vacation), plenty of new opportunities still currently in development, and the chance to win a large cash prize!

Adam’s Wedding Dress has no monetary interest in providing this information, we simply believe that this is an interesting concept and would like to spread the word to our readers! Send a post card if you make it!

Now Seeking Recently Separated or Divorced Men and Women for a new primetime TV show

Los Angeles, CA.  4/22/09 – Casting is underway nationwide to find women and men for a primetime unscripted television series.

Producers from Glassman Media are seeking men and women between the ages of 25 and 45 who are recently separated or divorced and ready to re-build their lives.

This TV series will transform these individuals by helping them get rid of their pain, learn how to let go and rebuild their self-esteem.

All applicants should be ready for an adventure of a lifetime and be open to putting their troubles behind them.  This show will help guide these men and women to the surface again as well as address their anxieties and fears.  Anyone selected to be on the show will be in for FANTASTIC SURPRISES
and the chance to win a large CASH PRIZE!

To apply for the show or nominate someone you know email the following info to:

divorcegetaway4@gmail.com

1.    Name:
2.    Occupation:
3.    City where you live:
4.    Phone:
5.    How long separated or divorced:
6.    Short bio on downfall of the relationship:
7.    Include the reason your spouse would say it ended:
8.    Two Pictures

www.GlassmanMedia.com

Some time ago, I had the experience of making a difference, one on one, in the life of another human being. It’s difficult now, to describe how it affected me, but it must have, because I have never forgotten it. It is said that one frequently comes away from an experience such as this with a feeling somewhat akin to euphoria. I don’t know about euphoria, but when I play the experience over in my mind, I do get chills.

I believe it necessary to relate some background information in order to give you a more complete picture. In our business travels to Arizona, my wife and I met many very nice people and there was one couple, who owned a store, with whom we became friendly. We spent one or two Thanksgivings with them, staying in their home and enjoying their company.

The lady, I’ll call her Mae, had been married two or three times before (I had never been able to figure out the exact number). The gentleman was either husband number four or five. They had not been married long and it was simple to figure out (from their conversation which came across like an article in Playboy), that they thoroughly enjoyed their marriage!

Mae had a 12 year old daughter from one of her previous marriages, and the small family traveled on vacations in their motor home. I could not, for the life of me, imagine what went on, while that child was in the next room in a motor home.

They turned up at our home one July evening, plugged their electrical in and we proceeded to our patio for snacks and something to drink. The young girl went into our den, which could be seen from the patio and sat down on a hassock. After awhile, I looked in the den and she was still sitting there staring off into space looking for all the world, like a lost puppy. I could not stand seeing the child like that, so I went into the den and asked if she would like something to drink. No thanks. I then asked her if she would like to watch TV. No thanks.

In those days I played the guitar a little (our dog was the only one that would stay in the room while I played), and my guitar was in its stand in the den. I asked if she would like me to teach her how to play a little song on the guitar. To my surprise, she said yes! I got my guitar, placed it on her lap and showed her how to hold the guitar and how to hold her fingers on the frets. To make a long story short, that little 12 year old was playing a little two or three chord song called, A peanut sat on a railroad track, in about one half hour, as if she had been playing guitar for six months. Had I been sitting down, I believe I would have fallen off the chair. I went back to the adults and made her mother promise that when they returned home, she would get her daughter a music teacher.

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Fast forward two years. We had the opportunity to see them again and the child was then 14. I asked her how her music was coming along and she told me that she was in the school band and was learning one or two additional instruments. (I don’t remember which.) After talking together for some time, I asked if she would like some ice cream (there was a place across the street) and as we crossed the street she took my hand. I have always felt that more was being said by that child taking my hand than would have been said by speaking.

We lost track of them after that, although we did hear that Mae’s mother had passed away and it seemed to me that Mae could have been waiting for just such a turn of events. Her mom owned some property called downtown Phoenix and Mae was an only child. Almost immediately (if you can believe local gossip), she closed her store, divorced #5, moved to Colorado and met #6. The last we heard, her daughter was enrolled in university in New Mexico and her major was…Music. As I write this I’m getting a bit emotional but that’s O.K. I get this way when I think back to when I was able to make a difference in someone’s life.

The moral of the story? Making a difference in someone’s life will usually make a difference in yours.

Adam’s Dad

Click here for full bio on Adam’s Dad

Permit me to ask you a question: Do you know when you grew up? Was it when you got your drivers license? When you voted for the first time? When you could legally get your first alcoholic drink? When you graduated college? When you got married? The government told you when these things could happen. What do you think?

I am able to tell you exactly when I grew up. Believe it or not, I was married, had two children and was in my forties. Let me start at the beginning.

Adam’s mom and I will be married 64 years this year. As you might expect, there were many bumps along the way. However, we managed to get past them and it was never necessary to even think of divorce. We were partners and we were a team. As with any team (think Kobe Bryant here), there were disagreements. It was during one of these disagreements that I grew up.
We had been married about 20 years and we were in the middle of one of our disagreements. It was getting louder (on my part) and moving in a very bad direction. When the intensity almost reached shouting, Mrs. Weston asked, “Why are you shouting at me?” I thought about that for several seconds, and then I grew up.

My answer? BECAUSE I WAS WRONG!

I had acknowledged that I owned the problem. It did not diminish my stature in her eyes, exactly the opposite; I became more of a man and a husband. We kissed, made up and laughed about the whole thing.

When you have been married as long as we have, then you may be sure you are grown up. Until then, practice, practice, practice.

Click here for full bio on Adam’s Dad

If you are struggling to keep normal back curvature while sitting, use a lumbar roll or rolled-up towel behind the small of your back to maintain the natural back curve. Remember to change your position by standing, stretching or walking for a couple minutes every half hour so you are not in the same position too long. This causes muscle strain and back pain. Check yourself throughout the day and correct your posture. It’s tough to maintain at first, but soon enough you’ll find it becomes easier and hopefully habitual.

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2010 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

Have you read any of my previous posts?  You will find that many are inspired by music. Music plays such a role in my life, always has. I was driving home tonight and these lyrics rolled off my tongue as i listened to a song:

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

I remember the first time I heard that song. It was quite profound for me really. I did a music swap with one of my best friends. I gave him my music library, i got his…this was in the very beginning of iPods and iTunes. We (the wife and I) left on a vacation to Hawaii, I really don’t remember much about the planning or why we were going at this point…probably partial block I am sure. I do recall it was a trip to try and reconnect. In the end, we really did not reconnect at all….I think we started our divorce.

I was sitting at the edge of the most beautiful pool. I was pretty much alone there. It was an outdoor pool, but protected by the walls of spa area, kind of like a oval courtyard, with the pool in the middle. There were lights all the way around the courtyard walls, not bright white, rather amber in color as I recall. The men’s spa was to my left and the woman’s spa entrance to my right as I sat in a lazy lotus position at the edge of the pool. I was noticing the reflection of the amber lights in the perimeter of the pool as I messed around with my iPod mini. That thing was like a brick, how funny. Anyway, I just had a massage, it was early evening, the spa was probably closing and I sat there, pretty somber.

Before I left on the trip, I filled the iPod up with most of the music Randy gave me…there were all sorts of great tunz, some I had never bothered to listen to in the past. As I sat there, I recall just putting the iPod on random and chancing it. The first song that queued up was Warning Sign by Cold Play. I have never been so struck by a song, Chris was singing to ME. I never bothered to listen to Cold Play prior, just was never into them. But that song. I immediately played it again, then again. The rest of the trip I listened to every Cold Play song. I can still picture that moment in time, edge of pool, amber lights, lotus position, still pool, with glassy reflections….heart sinking…music playing.

We were at an impasse, total empathy for each other. As I look back, the trip was the beginning of the end that had started long before, yet I did not know it at the time. We were just so different. If I liked blue, she liked green. If I liked it soft, she liked it hard. If I wanted chicken, she wanted fish. If I wanted fish, she wanted chicken. We agreed on nothing. Our fights were based upon our differences. We drifted apart. I did my thing, she did hers. We passed in the hallways. I watched TV in the living room, she did in the bedroom. Even our schedules were in conflict, If I wanted to take a nap, laundry had to be done at that moment. In all fairness, I’m sure I bugged the hell out of her too and the situation was much the same from the opposite side. What a shame.

That was the warning sign. We were moving in different directions. The bubble did burst. What could have been done at this point to save a marriage? Can a marriage be saved when you ignore the warning signs and just keep drifting? I have no answer….do you? You can comment on our forum here.

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Adam’s Wedding Dress is your road map to success for your divorce recovery.  Take a look at some of the features of Adam’s Wedding Dress and benefit from the effort of our contributors and “your” community.

New Online Forum

We are very proud to announce our new community forum. We are currently filling it with many discussion topics. Now you can connect with others,  ask our contributing writers questions, discuss related topics, all with like minded individuals committed to, healing. Check out the forum here.

Regular articles

Our bread and butter, the regular article will remain the primary focus of the site as we encourage, inspire, and inform you with compelling stories, articles, and tips – plus, we’ll be expanding our contributors to encompass a whole host of contentious topics.

Therapeutic Writing

A great resource for those just starting with Adam’s Wedding Dress, is the ability to write your own story. This site is intended to be used as part of a well-rounded support network for people dealing with divorce.  We invite you to use this site to reach out to others, to heal.  Write your stories, and we will all comment and offer our words of support.  You have the chance to express whatever it is you want at any given moment.  Today, you may write a sad post.  Tomorrow, it may make us all chuckle. The point is, honor whatever it is you are going through, and lean on all of us for support.

Expanded Fitness Column

Heather Edwards, our fitness pro, will post a  regular fitness tip as well as continuing articles on heath and fitness. We plan on offering more frequent and interactive workout suggestions on a regular basis, so check back later.

Expanded Therapist Column

Dr. Marjan Madison, will be expanding her writing to a regular column. We will also have regular topics from a team of guest writers. We plan to offer more frequent and interactive self help ideas as well as explore “out of the box” thinking for your recovery, so check back later.

I think we’ve made a lot of changes for the better, and I hope you all share the same sentiment.

What’s the difference between a divorce, a legal separation, and an annulment?

A divorce (also called “dissolution of marriage” or “dissolution of domestic partnership”) ends your marriage or domestic partnership. After you get divorced, you will be single, and you can marry or become a domestic partner again.

If you get divorced, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, division of property, and other orders.

For married persons to get a divorce, you MUST meet California’s residency requirement. For information about residency for domestic partners, click here.

Please visit our new Forum

You asked and we listened, we created a new forum section on Adam’s Wedding Dress for open community discussions. Of course, the forum is in its infancy, but please stop by and start a thread! click here

A legal separation does not end a marriage or domestic partnership. You can’t marry or enter into a partnership with someone else if you are legally separated (and not divorced). A legal separation is for couples that do not want to get divorced but want to live apart and decide on money, property, and parenting issues. Couples sometimes prefer separation for religious reasons.

You do not need to meet California’s residency requirement to file for a legal separation. If you file for a legal separation, you may later be able to file an amended petition to ask the court for a divorce-after you meet the residency requirements.

In a legal separation case, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, or any other orders you can get with a divorce case.

An annulment (or “nullity of marriage” or “nullity of domestic partnership”) is when a court says your marriage or domestic partnership is NOT legally valid. A marriage or domestic partnership that is incestuous or bigamous is never valid. Other marriages and partnerships can be declared “void” because:

• of force, fraud, or physical or mental incapacity;
• one of the spouses or partners was too young to legally marry or enter into a domestic partnership; or
• one of the spouses or partners was already married or in a registered domestic partnership.

Annulments are very rare. If you ask to have your marriage or domestic partnership annulled, you will have to go to hearing with a judge.

Note: If you have children in common with the other party, you must ask the court to establish the parentage of that person. Check with a lawyer about how to do this. Click here for help finding a lawyer. The family law facilitator may also be able to give you some information.

The question always comes to mind of how to make one’s body more efficient at burning calories. Many people think eating less helps lose weight, and if done right, it can. But the way most people “eat less” actually makes people gain weight instead of losing it. In other words, calorie restriction slows down our metabolism making us less efficient at burning calories.

Let’s start by understanding metabolism. Metabolism is the rate at which one’s body burns calories. Then, the rate of one’s metabolism depends on the relationship of calorie consumption, calorie burn during food intake and exercise, and genetic calorie burn. We can’t do much about our genetics, but we can affect how our body burns calories during food intake and exercise.

By extending the time between meals, we make our bodies go into a “starvation mode.” This decreases our metabolism to conserve energy and prevent starvation. When our bodies go through long periods of time without receiving nutrition, it feels as though it’s getting starved and then holds-on to the calories consumed in the next meal. In essence, consuming only 1 to 3 meals a day causes one’s metabolism to slow down. To prevent this, we should eat every 3½ to 4 hours, which keeps our metabolism working at a higher rate throughout the day.

In addition, by eating more frequently our bodies stabilize our glucose and insulin levels causing us to control hunger more easily. Our bodies will burn calories at a higher rate and we will also feel more energetic as our body gets its energy from our food intake. In addition, we need to drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water each day. Not drinking enough water causes our bodies to “store” rather than to “burn.” So ultimately, the key is to consume enough calories and water evenly throughout the day to keep up the metabolism levels in our bodies to burn fat more efficiently.

Note: It’s always smart to consult a physician and/or registered dietitian or nutritionist to help direct our daily caloric needs.

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2010 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

Is this you?  You workout regularly and don’t see the changes you want to see in your body.  You exercise harder and harder, yet your body looks the same.  Why is that?  Most likely your body is burning carbohydrates for fuel rather than fat.

You need to achieve the right balance of physical fitness training and recovery so your body can transform.  It’s important to have an adequate amount of base training to train your body to burn fat as a fuel first.  This way you can workout smarter, not harder.

One of the best ways to gauge this is to determine your target heart rate training zone and workout with a heart rate monitor so you can stay in that zone.  If you train too intensely, too often, your metabolism will be dependent on carbohydrates rather than fats for fuel.  Training in this target heart rate zone ensures that your body burns more calories all day long!

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2009 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

Yes, I am divorced and have faced many challenges over the past years. I’ve often been asked if I would re-marry. Although it is very difficult to ponder marriage so soon after divorce, I still have obligations to my past marriage among other fears and concerns, I always knew in my heart that I will have a wife, sometime in the future that is, YES, I will have a wife, YES. (I just rented Yes Man)

I never thought I would remarry so soon!

What am I talking about, remarry? Well, that is a bit misleading. One of my very close friends bestowed upon me one of the greatest honors this past Saturday, the honor of presiding over his wedding. A few years ago I introduced he and his girlfriend. They came to me a month ago and asked if I would marry them. Wow! Me? The divorced guy with the divorce website!

Last night was enlightening. Over the past few years, my focus has been to offer help to others getting over and through their divorce. In doing that, I lost the focus on what it means to be married. Rather then look though the eyes of a divorcee, considering that any new relationship is destined to fail, I looked though the eyes of a man that is open to all possibilities. This is a new beginning that I will work on more! Lord only knows how I was put in the position to marry Ernie and Molly, but it opened my eyes to the endless opportunities that life has to offer. I forgot about my failed marriage and had a very warm feeling in my heart for a successful marriage.

The MC asked Ernie and Molly to stand as the newest married couple, he then asked all other married couples to stand, one by one he eliminated them leaving the longest married couple standing, ironically, that couple was my parents. Adam’s Dad and Mom….

Mom and Dad, 63 years and dancing

So if you ever wondered if you will ever recover from your divorce, consider that the universe works in the strangest ways, teaching us as we walk the path of our lives. Always be open to the possibilities!

What a night! Below you will find the cheat notes from my service…enjoy and consider the possibilities!

Ernie and Molly’s Wedding – Adam’s Cheat Sheet!

Molly’s Dad walks her down the aisle:

The marriage of Ernie and Molly is more then just the union of two people in love. It’s also the joining of two families, of two sets of friends and of two patterns of life. Who stands with this woman in support of the blessing of this marriage?
Dad says: Her Mother and I do.

I Start the Ceremony:

Welcome, I’d like to start our ceremony with several love quotes. I hope you are as inspired with them as i have been.

Funny thing is I took these off a post I did here on Adam’s Wedding Dress

• You can give without loving, but, you cannot love without giving
• To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven
• Love is not finding someone to live with, it’s finding someone you can’t live without
• Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality
• Love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less
• Love can happen anywhere, at any time, and almost always when we least expect it
• I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you
• I love her and that’s the beginning of everything.
• There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
• The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.
• Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side
• Love is not a matter of what happens in life. It’s a matter of what’s happening in your heart
• Where there is great love, there are always miracles
• Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what’s inside
  We cannot choose who we love, only whose love we accept
• You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
• Love doesn’t make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
• A simple I love you means more than money
• The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
• Love sees roses without thorns.
• To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
• Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
• And Finally: To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything

Now for my monologue about how Ernie and Molly met, start with: For the past 2 weeks I have pondered the honor….and wing the rest for 4 minutes! Don’t blow it Adam

Now I will have Ernie and Molly Share their wedding vows

Molly’s Vows…
Ernie’s Vows….

Now the I-do’s
Do you Ernie, Welcome Molly as your wife, offering her your love and encouragement, your trust and respect, as together you create your future?
I do
Do you, Molly, Welcome Ernie as your husband, offering him your love and encouragement, your trust and respect, as together you create your future?
I do

May I have the Rings please

Ernie Please Take This Ring
Ernie, As you place the ring on Molly’s finger, Please repeat after me:
I give you this Ring as a reminder
that I will love, honor, and cherish you,
In all times, In all places
And in all ways, forever

Molly Please Take This Ring
Molly, As you place the ring on Ernie’s finger, Please repeat after me:
I give you this Ring as a reminder
that I will love, honor, and cherish you,
In all times, In all places
And in all ways, forever

And now, to all the friends and family who have come to celebrate this marriage, I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride!

Can anybody fly this thing?
Before my head explodes.
Or my head starts to ring.

I run. I’m running, listening to music that has moved my life. I cry. I really do, I’m running and crying.

But everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I’m flying too fast, too too fast I fly, trying to keep up, I’m not even looking out the window, I’m not stopping to breath and smell the flowers…what good is it to fly so fast if you can’t smell the flowers, something is very wrong. My feet chug my body up an amazing trail, the weeds are growing, but they are low, there are a few foot prints of the warrior that preceded me on this run. There are flowers, I’m just trying to get to the top with as little pain as possible, I have a long way to go, no time to stop and smell the beautiful wild flowers…i know they are there, I see them in my peripheral vision. They are there, I can’t stop, make it to the top

Check my beat dig they rhythm
Me belly full but me hungry so I fill it
Once I start gaining taxes start taking
Cause the governments perfected funk faking
Breaking me down striking me down
What goes around comes around but
I keep rising seeing through the lies and
The surprise comes when I see myself
The music I felt
Im on

This aint living
This aint living
Oh no

Why do I put so much pressure on myself to please others, why does it seem that I am always caring about everyone else, doing the right thing, what about me?

Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that lies

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness

Be here now, here now

I’m still now, made it to the top of the hill, still, sitting looking over the world before me, crying more, crying harder. Is this where I am suppose to be right now? Did I notice how beautiful everything was on the way up? It is not the fact that I am here now, it was the journey…shit, did I miss the journey up here? No, wait, noticed some stuff….or did I?

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It’s no cause for concern

Time is on my side, I CAN choose what to do next. I’m calm, the emotion of the music moves me more. Slow the F*** down Adam.

Sometimes when I feel so boxed in
I wanna go and take a ride
Grabbed the keys and my cigarettes
And disappeared into the night

Two choices right now, be around a bunch of friends, or just be by myself, sometimes I like to be by myself….me too!

Sweet memories Flashing very quickly by
Reminding me Giving me a reason why
I know that My goal is more than a thought
I’ll be there When I teach what I’ve been taught
AND I’VE BEEN TAUGHT.

I won’t be satisfied with the changes that have happened to me over the past 3 years until I get to do what I am here for, it cannot possibly be to work my ass off like i have been, to financially take care of everybody, no it can’t. I want to learn and I want to teach. I’m doing little of either now, I am on a treadmill, stuck, paying my debt to my marriage, my employees, my friends, and me.. for my perception of what is important.

I’ve been so long in waiting
Putting my life on hold for this
Chance to live out my dreams
You think you know what I should
Do with the choices I now have
Make them benefit you
What if I don’t wanna hear the things you say
Where were you when I was needy yesterday
You want in with me, now that it’s good
But it’s too little, too late

Yes, I’m on my own, everyone needs a piece, when it is good, will I get my piece? How to get off this treadmill? How?

Aquí estoy pensando que no tengo mucho que ofrecer
Pero yo sé que lograré salirme de esto porque ya es tiempo

Pero dime dime dime dime cuanto
Pero dime dime dime dime cuando

Llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré
Sí, llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré

When, tell me when I will have the strength to make my next change? Will I? Yes I will, Yes I will.

Recovery…. Now I write, and I feel more at peace, you can too!

Water Consumption!

You’ve heard over and over again that you need to drink water every day. Most commonly eight glasses of water a day is recommended, but how do you really know if you are drinking enough water since everyone’s body is different?

Water is your body’s principal chemical component, on average making up 60% of your body weight. Lack of water can lead to dehydration, a condition that occurs when you don’t have enough water in your body to carry out normal functions. Even mild dehydration can drain your energy and make you tired.

As humans, we can survive for several weeks without food, but for only a few days without water. A constant supply is needed to replenish the fluids lost through normal physiological activities, such as respiration, perspiration and urination. One of the easiest ways to determine your fluid intake is by producing colorless or slightly yellow urine each day. This insinuates that your fluid intake is adequate.

You should also drink enough fluid so that you rarely feel thirsty. Water is essential for recovery and your body needs to flush toxins & waste. When you exercise, you need to consume extra water to compensate for the fluid loss. Then, the amount of additional fluid you need depends on how much you sweat during exercise, the duration of your exercise, and the type of activity you’re engaged in. So, urinate often and pay attention to its color.

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2009 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

By mid-to-late July, and around her birthday, she became increasingly more communicative, calling and asking me for special favors and wanting to “talk about things”. She wanted to come see the kids, as it was her birthday. I was very leery of this and didn’t want to be around but she manipulated the situation to make it so she was at our house much of the day and went so far as to kiss me before she left that evening. We had a court date the next day in our divorce proceedings, and she actually started making some headway in her case. The order I had keeping her boyfriend away from my kids (although I had reported on SEVERAL occasions she was breaking this order, NOTHING was ever done) as he had some “issues” that were uncovered in his own divorce I was aware of. She was now claiming that he was abusive and she was afraid for her life. He was, in fact outside in her car right then because she couldn’t leave the house without him there. Long, long story shortened; I allowed her to come back into the house that weekend and I left as this was both confusing for the kids and she still had this bogus order of protection against me. I wanted her to be safe, not to mention, of course, my children. When she realized I was NOT going to be taking her back, that weekend, she ended up going back with him and recanting everything she said, saying that my attorney and I had acted in concert with her own attorney to coerce a false statement from her. Her lawyer obviously had enough after this episode and requested (just short of pleading) to be excused from the case. After many delays and her dragging her feet, the judge finally told her that we were going ahead with the custody hearing whether she had an attorney or not. To avoid a trial she offered 50/50 custody with shared residency with some veiled threats to make me accept this. My attorney’s advice was to take it. I did, reluctantly and only with certain provisions, including continuing an order keeping her from leaving my kids alone with her boyfriend and not allowing him to consume alcohol in the presence of my kids.

Obviously living with someone makes it rather difficult to live by this agreement (and other less stringent rules she violated with regularity) so my lawyer said we would go back for full custody when she started violating and I would be awarded custody. Time went by… I ended up paying child support while keeping the house and stability for my kids to have the only home they ever knew and the judge ordered they stay in my school district at least. She had to drive them in every day on her weeks. They missed A LOT of school when they were with her. I paid for all of their doctor’s bills, insurance, extensive dentist bills. I was determined to make sure they didn’t miss out on a single opportunity or activity they wouldn’t have otherwise in a ‘normal’ family setting. I didn’t want them to suffer for the bad decisions of a mother they had no hand in selecting. She didn’t work, and desperately held onto the facade of a “stay at home” mom while her boyfriend supported her and deserted his own kids and family to the tune of thousands of dollars in back support and lost time. She continued to violate the court orders, even went so far as to admit it to me… I asked my lawyer when we could go back to fight. He kept telling me “it isn’t enough”. Our eldest son would wind up in the emergency room with stomach problems due to stress of her doing the most screwed up things (like having the kids make her boyfriend father’s day cards and have me bring them back to her house early on that day to celebrate it with her boyfriend). I finally stopped hanging onto the fight. I gave up. I stopped bringing the kids to their therapist because she couldn’t break through the wall of silence they had developed. (As it turned out, and it wasn’t surprising, she was “coaching” them not to say anything about their time at her house) (I dislike the word “coaching” by the way; it makes a villainous activity sound almost Disney-like). I just dealt with this insane ping-pong game of one week on, one week off and it became our “normal” for a while: until right before this past Christmas.

On December 20th, my youngest son made a startling statement that will prove to be one of the most profound, life changing moments of my life (the extent of which I am sure I still have yet to comprehend). The rest of my story is still pending litigation, and in fact, is still so tentative I am not at liberty to go into details at this time. Suffice it to say, we have delved into a new level of hell that I don’t think Dante himself dared to contemplate. I am still, even with a judge, a children’s law guardian, a specialized abuse counselor and a myriad of supporters behind me, experiencing the discouraging lack of support and outright disdain a father receives when he is simply trying to keep his kids safe from an abusive situation; Especially one that involves their own mother and her bad choices.

If you read the story of Adam’s Wedding Dress, you would know that the week my ex moved out of the house, I hit the road and visited a buddy in Vancouver. The first few nights were a drunk fest while venting to by bro. He is an amazing listener and was a great help. I think the fact that he was divorced made it  easy to identify with my situation. I mean to say, knowing he had “been there too” made it easy for me to identify with my own situation…really helped talking it out, knowing he had been there too.

“B” as we’ll call him is an actor, good looking and an outgoing guy. Out at the bars in a new city with B was just what I needed. We met so many great people and I forgot about the challenge that lay ahead of me, waiting back in Los Angeles. Turns out I went on 2 dates while I was in Vancouver. 2 Dates? Your ex just moved out of the house, what do you mean “dates”? The dates were really not dates for love or to start a relationship, they were more affirmation that I was still alive with a heartbeat. Nothing happened on these dates more then creating a friendship. I was not ready for anything more at that time. Turns out, that I remain friends to this day with both dates!

When is the right time to date after a divorce?

Do you just jump right back in or follow the rules and wait a year? Are there differences for men and woman? I personally never abide by any rules, rules in the common sense of the term. For matters of my personal life I follow my gut. Rules are made by others. (let’s not go overboard here, I am not referring to rules such as stopping at a traffic light)  Your heart is really all you need. Granted, when I started really dating, I was not ready for a serious relationship, I wanted something light and easy. Looking back, I was very honest with those I was dating, I was clear that I wanted to have the better part of a relationship…the fun and not the hassle. How impossible is that! Regardless, every new date was a new experience and a new opportunity to learn.

This bring me to actually dating. What should you know on a date? I’m a very social person, I never really felt out of practice, but what if you do? What should you expect in someone else? Nerves can take over, you may feel like a school kid once again, but hey, that is the fun part. Did you ever say if I knew then what I know now? Well guess what, you now have the chance! Rejoice in your new freedom! Learn from everyone. Weed out the tools and losers.

Here is a cool list that I found on ivillage.com. The list is kind of sound and practical knowledge, as well as good advice to consider. Not only are these things that YOU should observe, but they are things your date should observe too. Trust me when I tell you this, there are more people out there that are uncompilable with you then there are those that are compatible. Take it light and enjoy the ride! The loser dates are fun to talk about with your friends!

10 Commandments of Post-Divorce Dating

You’ve made the plans, and now it’s time to get down to business. The date portion is one of the most savory dishes on life’s expansive menu so prepare to sample your fair share. You probably don’t want to hear any lectures about the dating do’s and don’ts, so we’ll just skip the do’s and get straight to the don’ts. Just as Moses handed down a set of laws, or commandments, if you will, for us mortals to follow, so shall we bring forth the laws of dating. Should you break a commandment or fail to follow the formula for perfect dates coming up in the next section, you should prepare to endure all the torments of dating hell. That said, let’s get on with the show.

#1: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Thy Date Paying close attention to your date’s every move is not up for discussion. There are some people who feel like they have to leer at every attractive person that walks through the door. Most dates would get offended by this sort of behavior, taking it as a personal insult. So unless you’re intent on hurting your companion’s feelings, keep your eyes and ears directed at your date at all times. If you made your date feel like they’re the only person in the room, you’ll have gone a long way toward living up to your role as the perfect date.

If you happen to take your date to a party and feel like mingling with some of your friends, keep in mind that your date’s happiness is your first priority. Be extra attentive by doing small things such as bringing drinks, initiating conversation, and making all the right introductions. You can bet that your little acts of kindness will not go unnoticed.

#2: Thou Shalt Not Drink or Become Intoxicated Even if you’re not driving, excessive consumption of alcohol and other recreational drugs is strictly prohibited. If you’ve ever been forced to sit through the film Blind Date, in which lovely Kim Basinger proceeds to get sloshed during a night on the town with Bruce Willis, you know that there’s nothing less attractive than a perfectly nice date who’s three sheets to the wind and feeling no pain. As far as first impressions go, this behavior can put you at a disadvantage.

The best way to avoid becoming drunk is to eat plenty before the date. That way you’ll be able to absorb the alcohol faster. Even if you’re just looking to chase the butterflies out of your stomach, forgo the booze in favor of some deep breathing exercises.

#3: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Thy Ex Whether you’ve just broken up, happened to run into your ex that day, or just can’t help digging up the past, talking about your ex is a first date faux pas. The last thing your date wants to hear about is how horrible or great your ex was. As far as your date is concerned, you’ve never ever gone out with anyone before.

Many people think that dredging up a former love will somehow make them seem more desirable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Your date is more likely to think that you’re having a problem letting go and are on the rebound. If they’re smart, they will never want to see you again. If they’re not, it’s you who should be running the other way.

#4: Thou Shalt Not Lie First dates are all about getting to know each other and being honest. If you happen to be out of a job, living with your parents, or hard up for cash, by all means don’t lie about it. You can omit the information, so long as you fess up when asked point blank. Don’t equivocate, don’t change the subject, and don’t make up some elaborate ruse. If the date proves successful, and more follow, you’ll eventually be exposed for the charlatan that you are. And, besides, if your date can’t accept you exactly the way you are, then you’re better off finding someone who isn’t so superficial.

#5: Thou Shalt Not Commit an Act of Road Rage When transporting your date from one destination to another, thou shalt obey the rules of the road and be courteous to other drivers. If you happen to be cut off by a kamikaze driver or even get thrown the bird, act as if nothing happened. Do not, and we repeat, do not proceed to chase down the offender or slam on your brakes to get revenge. Not only will your date be paralyzed with fear for his or her safety; he or she will remain uncomfortable for the duration of this, your first and last date together.

#6: Thou Shalt Not Show Up More Than 20 Minutes Late When it comes to dating, timeliness is next to godliness. The worst thing you can do to your date is keep them waiting. Nobody likes to sit around wondering whether they’re being stood up, especially if they’re already nervous about going out with someone for the first time. Before heading out for the outing, make sure you have scheduled plenty of time to pick up your date. You should also avoid scheduling any other activities for at least one hour before your date. Many dates have been known to be canceled right from the get-go because of tardiness. Make sure you’re not one of the many casualties in the race against time by allowing plenty of room for error.

#7: Thou Shalt Not Come on Too Strong It’s considered in bad taste to make lewd comments about your date’s appearance, touch them without permission, or insinuate wanting to get more sexual. Unless you’re looking for nothing more than a basic wham-bam-adios-amigo — which, by the way, you’re still not likely to score using these tactless methods — keep your sexually charged particles in line.

When getting to know someone for the first time, most people prefer to keep things on a platonic level. That means putting a nix on the sexual advances. At least have the decency to wait until your date is more comfortable with you. Most importantly, never try to push your date into a sexual situation. Always err on the side of caution-even if while their lips are saying no, their eyes are saying yes.

#8: Thou Shalt Not Use Thy Cellular In the name of insufferable bores everywhere, deactivate your cell phone while on your date. Should your friends be trying to reach you, they can leave a message on your voice mail. Using a cellular phone during your date can be a major turnoff. By talking on the phone, you’re saying that your date is not significant enough to captivate your attention, implying that your work and friends are much more important. That’s not exactly the message you want to convey to someone who has kindly agreed to go out with a cellphone-flaunting-Sally like yourself. If you cared enough to go on the date, keeping things lively should be your top priority.

#9: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Building a Family Few things are more frightening than going on a first date and being confronted with the issues of marriage and family. Such situations make most people stop and look around to make sure they’re still in America — as opposed to some countries, where one meeting is all you get before striking an arrangement.

Before sizing up your date for mate potential, take a breather and get a little perspective. You’ve only just met a little while ago. If you happen to be looking for Mr/s. Right, keep your plans to yourself or risk scaring off potential suitors. Remember, whatever will be, will be. Grilling your date about their desire to have kids will only make you seem foolish and desperate. If you want to find out whether someone would make a good husband or wife, try studying their behavior instead. Actions will always speak much louder than words.

#10: Thou Shalt Not Whine If “I want” figures prominently on your list of most frequently used phrases, then prepare to monitor your behavior during date hours. Bossing your date around or pouring on the old “bitch and moan” routine when you don’t get your way are sure-fire ways to spoil a romantic mood. If you have your heart set on doing something particular, take the lead-just make sure your date is fine with your arrangements. If, on the other hand, you’ve let your date take control, either voice your dissent right away or pretend you’re enjoying the 100-degree weather and the two-hour hike. The prima donna attitude will make you seem spoiled, selfish, and definitely not second date material.

I would be most interested to here some comments on post divorce dating. When, how and what has been the outcome? Comment below. Click on the Comments Link

I’ve never written on the topic of “single parent” to date; however, something that I heard  yesterday really shook my world. As you may know from reading this blog, my ex did not leave me with anything in the way of children, we had none…she left just the dogs. So my personal experience regarding a divorce with children is not in my immediate world. A divorce with children is in my world however.

I recieved a call from one of my very dear and long time friends yesterday. He has been divorced for 6 months less then I have. I was by his side coaching him on during his hard time. His hard time never really ended. He was not as fortunate as I have been. His relationship ended much the same as mine, just a disconnect between two people. Unlike my mediation process, his divorce was a full fledged war of the attorney’s. For her good reasons, she battled him for every penny he had…the horror story divorce. Right down to fact of claiming his success what due to her support! Neither party won in the long run…he really took it on the chin…yes I am very biased, but his strory is real insanity.

Yesterday he told me that she is now serving him with papers to start a custody battle with him. THREE YEARS LATER. You see, she met someone back east, and now she wants to move back east and take their kids with her. He will lose his kids AND have to pay her more child support! She even told him that her attorney said it would be best if he picked up the serving papers himself at her attorney’s office!!!!! The damage to these children has to be irreversible, no?

My friend is torn to shreds again. Now he has to fight for his kids! Can someone be that selfish to take children away from a parent? Under what circumstance is this acceptable? My friend is a very successful stand up guy. He is a great father too. I know there is another side to every story, but I am so sad tonight..not only for my friend, but for everyone that must endure this sensless hell that we have created.

That is all I’m saying….

Little did I know I had been stretching somewhat incorrectly all those years.  I’m sure my teachers and coaches meant well and taught me what they learned themselves, but as time and research progresses, stretching style and techniques also progress.  And, as we venture on in our lives and deal with the stresses of everyday life, stretching should be a regular part of our fitness routine.

Stretching is the deliberate lengthening of muscles in order to increase muscle flexibility and joint range of motion.  As we age our range of motion decreases, our muscles tighten, and simple tasks become more difficult hindering our day-to-day activities and active lifestyles.  A regular stretching routine helps lengthen our muscles to make normal living activities easier.  Flexible muscles improve daily performance so tasks such as lifting packages, bending over, or hurrying to catch a bus become easier and less tiring.

However, stretching is important for people of all ages, not just for those getting older.  But how do we know the various types of stretching and how they are different?  Below are the “official” definitions and descriptions of a variety of stretching styles with a more “Layman’s” definition included for ease of understanding.

• Static Stretching – Passively taking a muscle to the point of tension and holding the stretch for a minimum of 20 seconds.  In other words, a stretch involving no movement. click here for video
  
• Passive Stretching/Relaxed Stretching/Static-Passive Stretching – A form of static stretching in which an external force exerts upon the limb to move it into the new position. In other words, you assume a position and hold it with another part of your body, some other apparatus, or with the assistance of someone else. click here for video
• Isometric Stretching - A type of static stretching which involves the resistance of muscle groups through isometric contractions (tensing) of the stretched muscles.  In other words, assume a passive stretch position for a desired muscle, then contract the stretched muscle while resisting against an unmovable force such as the floor, and finally relaxing that same muscle. click here for video
• Proprioceptive Neuromuscular Facilitation  (PNF) Stretching - A technique combining passive stretching and isometric stretching in order to achieve maximum static flexibility.  In other words, a muscle is held in position, then contracted isometrically against resistance while in the stretched position for about 5 – 10 seconds, and then passively stretched again through the resulting increased range of motion. click here for video
• Active-Isolated Stretching/Active-Static Stretching – Using agonists (a contracting muscle whose action is opposed by another muscle) and synergists (a muscle that cooperates with another muscle to enhance its effect) to dynamically move the joint into a range of motion.  In other words, you assume a position and then hold it there with no assistance other than using the strength of your agonist muscles.  The theory is that as one muscle is contracted, the opposing muscle will relax.  An example of opposing muscles are the hamstrings on the back of the thigh and the quadriceps on the front of the thigh. click here for video
• Dynamic Stretching/Functional Stretching – Using the force production of a muscle and the body’s momentum to take a joint through the full available range of motion.  In other words, using motion to take you “gently” to the limits of your range of motion. click here for video
• Resistance Stretching – A muscle simultaneously contracts and elongates.  In other words, placing the muscle in its shortest position, then elongating and contracting the muscle simultaneously until the muscle is as long as possible while still contracting, and repeating. click here for video
• Ballistic Stretching - Using the momentum of a moving body or limb (a bouncing motion) in an attempt to force it beyond its normal range of motion (mostly used on highly conditioned athletes).  In other words, trying to force a part of the body beyond its range of motion. click here for video
• Self-Myofascial Release (SMR) – A flexibility/stretching technique that focuses on the neural and fascial system in the body by rolling muscles over a foam roll to massage the micro-adhesions in the fibrous tissue that surrounds and separates the muscle tissue.  In other words, using body pressure and a foam roll to get rid of the tender, sore spots in the body aka “foam rolling.” click here for video

Now that we have a clearer understanding of what stretching is and its various types, it’s also important to understand the benefits of stretching.  This enables us to realize the full value of stretching so we are sure to add it to our daily routines.

One of the supreme benefits of stretching is increased range of motion (ROM).  With an increased ROM our limbs and joints can move further before an injury occurs.  It also keeps us in better balance and more mobile so we are less prone to injury and falls.  In addition, post-exercise stretching can aid in workout recovery, decreased muscle soreness, and is a way to ensure the muscles and tendons are in good working order.  The more conditioned muscles and tendons are, the better they handle the rigors of sport and exercise, and thus they are less likely to become injured.

Other benefits of stretching include:

• Improved circulation
• Reduced muscle tension
• Better posture
• Enhanced muscular coordination
• Increased energy levels
• Stress relief
• Decreased muscle soreness
• Improved performance

Also, remember not to hold your breath while you’re stretching.  Make sure you breathe evenly and consistently.  Keep in mind that when you stretch, expect to feel tension. But, if it hurts, you’ve gone too far.  Back off to the point where you don’t feel any pain, and then hold the stretch.

Lastly, how often should one stretch?

As a general rule of thumb, stretching when exercise occurs is best.  However, if you don’t exercise regularly, you might want to stretch at least three times a week to maintain flexibility.  It’s better to do active and dynamic/functional stretching prior to exercise as it helps increase core and muscle temperature, stimulates the nervous system, and helps decrease the chance of injury.  For example, walking with high knees is a dynamic flexibility exercise that stretches your glutes, quadriceps and lower back.  You are preparing your body for the workout.  Then, do static and passive stretching after the workout to cool the body and muscles down.  Do not stretch to the point of pain.

A workout program could look like this:

• Beginning – Dynamic stretching/warm-up
• Middle – The actual workout itself
• End – Cool down and static/passive stretching

All-in-all, remember to be kind to your muscles and they will be kind to you!

Important Disclaimer:  All the information presented above is for educational and resource purposes only. It is there to help you make informed decisions about fitness training. It is NOT a substitute for, or an addition to, any advice given to you by your physician. Before adhering to any Heather Binns, CPT information or recommendations you must consult your physician.  Please understand that you are solely responsible for the way information in this article is perceived and utilized and you do so at your own risk.  In no way will Heather Binns, CPT or any persons associated with www.AdamsWeddingDress.com be held responsible for any injuries or problems that may occur due to the use of this information or the advice contained within.

References: www.wikipedia.com, www.dictionary.com, the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM), www.mayoclinic.com, and www.bradapp.net.

For a full bio of Heather Binns, click here

© 2009 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

Adam asked me to write something about our marriage. I could not understand why he thought this might be relevant to his blog’s subject which, of course, is divorce. After thinking about it for a bit, I came to the realization that this was some tough subject. What could I possibly tell you that you might find of interest? Any partnership is a challenging situation and it is my belief that Marriage is the toughest partnership there is.

Don & Toby Weston

I am not a marriage and family counselor so I can’t tell you how to live your lives, nor would I want to. I guess the only thing I can tell you is how we lived ours.
I met Adam’s mom when I was an 18 year old Marine in 1943. When I first saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I have never changed my mind. One year later, we were engaged and one year after that, in 1945, we were married.

We never had sex! We made love. We were lovers, with all of the attributes attached. (After 63 years, we are still lovers with most of the attributes attached.) At the same time, we became friends, a friendship that has lasted to this day. We shared each other’s day to day triumphs as well as concerns when they came up. We have laughed our way through the years. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some tears as well. But because we came to understand that if we shared our feelings and our fears, the tears would soon become smiles and then the laughter would take over.
In due time, the lovers became the parents of a beautiful girl and a whole new life presented itself. Both of us became involved with “our family.” Each of us assumed new and sometimes unfamiliar tasks, but we never lost site of the fact that we were a team, helping each other when help was required. Nor did we lose sight of the fact that we were still lovers, albeit lovers with a small distraction and lovers who had to become more creative, time wise. However, we managed to come through this period with a minimum of problems, time wise. As our daughter got older, we (my wife and I), took “naps,” as required.

Twelve years later (a long time) our second child, a boy, came along and thankfully, our family was complete, including the little poodle we got for our daughter. At this time, we began traveling all over the state of California by car. We had a station wagon and we placed an air mattress in the back for our daughter and a porta crib there for the “baby,” and away we went. We became a traveling little family, introducing our kids to the history of California, fishing, etc.

As time progressed and the children got older, I had to explain to them that our home was not a democracy, that I was the King. This lead to the inevitable, “just wait until your father gets home.” I guess I was a tough dad, but we won’t dwell on that.

In due time our daughter married and our family got smaller and also about this time I was having some financial difficulty. Adam’s mom and I put our heads together and that is when we found out that his mom was a tough lady. I mentioned to her that if she could somehow make about $100-200 per month it would help us. Well, she rolled up her sleeves, took out her sewing machine and proceeded to make money. When I asked her how come she never did this before she replied, “you didn’t ask me.” That was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and the beginning of Toby Weston Handbags.

Ultimately, I sold the little business we had and I joined Mrs. Weston’s company. Talk about a partnership; we were together 24 hours a day. We shared responsibilities. She handled production and sales and I handled billing, collection and financial. If we did not get divorced then, we were never going to get divorced. We disagreed, we argued, we did not see eye to eye but she never hit me! And the business prospered. We made it a corporation with Mrs. W as the president and me as the CFO.

Believe it or not she was with it for 35 years and I was with her for about 28.

During all these years there was never a question about trust, respect, understanding, or commitment. All these things were a given. Divorce was never an option. We began as a team and we will remain a team to the ending.

We still hold hands when walking. We still profess our love each other. We still laugh a lot and we are still best friends.

Where would I start, what could I possibly say?

A very dear friend asked me to marry him and his soon to be wife. An honor so great that I actually got a huge lump in my throat. I met him over 10 years ago playing hockey. Always on the other team, and always better then me, I had that adversarial hate for him that you gain in competition. A turn of events and we ended up on the same team and a friendship was struck. No pat on the ass in the locker room, but a good friendship. Another turn of events and we started working together, he is a very gifted artist! Another turn of events and I was sitting at his bedside for a month straight while he battled and beat against cancer. Another turn of events and I was sitting at a golf course restaurant after a round of golf and introduced him and nudged him to ask a girl for her number. Another turn of events and they got engaged. Another turn of events and they asked me to perform the marriage ceremony. Honor is the only word that bubbles past the lump in my throat.

The reality of my marriage comes back to me. Was it a failure? Because we are not together NOW, was it a failure? I suppose if you want, you can look at it that way. But as I have grown in the past years, I have the ability to look at my marriage in a new light. The success of it, the good things that came from it. In the end my ex and I were not compatible enough to spend our lives together.  Now, from the marriage I once had, I will draw the power to unite a new couple on their journey. Today I realized another angle, another meaning of marriage. Marriage is not selfish or judging.

How therapeutic this is! I am considering all the things that make a marriage good and lasting, the things that keep a couple together. The cynical Adam is starting to get soft.

Dear Friend: Marriage is many different things to many different people. It is more then love. It is more then a bond. It is actually its own entity. Imagine two people joining a team and never leaving that team. Through sickness. Through joy. Through failure. Through triumph. Through lies. Through respect….. Every emotion, every event is shared. Two individuals don’t join to become one, they join to become one force as two! Inner struggles and outer forces will try to pull you apart, and often times will, be a rubber band, stretch, then return back to the normal state of love and respect, the reason you are together in the first place. Be individuals to keep the health of the relationship. Try with all your might not to judge. Never put the other down in public places, save that for private conversations. Laugh. Be present in your time together. Don’t tell the other where to park. Take out the trash without being asked to do so. I know those last two sound a bit joking, but the reality behind them is for real. Listen. Listen. Listen.   Dude, acknowledge her feelings, don’t try and fix everything, just listen. Girlfriend, understand that he IS really from Mars! Be honest. Be respectful. Laugh some more!

What will you get out of marriage?

Dear Friend: You will gain knowledge beyond your belief. You will gain love for yourself, your spouse and others. You may create a new life and give your all to that new life, like your parents gave to you. You will grow beyond belief. You will achieve fulfillment knowing that someone has your back, till death do you part!

The above two lists are really incomplete and random. But in retrospect these are the things that I feel will be a great base to start a marriage and keep it together, as well as the things that will come from this experience. This advice brought to you by a divorced man!

What will I say when I perform this marriage ceremony? Not sure, but I am nervous!

What would you say?

How about Chris Brown and Rihanna.

According to my sources (several of whom spoke to me under the condition of anonymity), say the couple was enduring a rough patch recently in their year-plus relationship — the pressure that the stars’ high-profile status created began to take a toll, said those with knowledge of the couple’s relationship. Rumors swirling around on blogs about the pair, including off-hand remarks about infidelity and fights, certainly didn’t help matters.

Chris Brown is charged with a felony count for striking his girlfriend. What message does this send out to us about relationships, marriage, and Divorce? Do we blame him or try and help him? I’m sure it did not help growing up with an abusive father.

My parents, as I have mentioned many times here on Adam’s Wedding Dress, have been married for 63 years. They have seen the likes of the above circus acts over the past 63 years, but I doubt in the frequency that we see it today. I seriously think that our instant access, our instant gratification, has broken down the bonds of marriage to some degree. Think about it…we have instant access to live events thought multi media streams. I get an RSS feed of news on my web browser, I get emails coming in, I am connected to hundreds of people around the world on my instant messenger and skype…I have GOOGLE! I can find anything I want, and I can find it now. The world has condensed into the screen on my MacPro. Instant gratification. If we are not getting it here, we move on to there. The media is driving this so fast. Feeding us with the juicy details of destruction, addiction, divorce, abuse, failure, and death in a staggering ratio to positive news.

What motivation do we have to stay married though tough times. My parents endured very difficult times, how? Was there less of a reason to just move on if one was not happy? My ex wife decided that we were two different people, she told me that I would thank her one day for moving on. WTF??? Excuse me? There was NO motivation whatsoever for her to stick it out. Instant gratification to just move on. A lump some of money and paycheck for four years. Not such a bad deal! These days it does not matter if we have kids, we just break up anyway and the kids endure a broken home! I was talking to a good buddy last night, he is not so happy in his marriage, it has become old and stale, but he is keeping a family together for his kids! He does not want his children to grow up like he did, in a broken family. He is a rarity!

What are your thoughts on yesterday vs. today?

Is the media’s glorification of addicts and F*** ups like Steven Adler and Shifty Binzer contributing to the downfall of society as we once knew it? Don’t get me wrong, both Adler and Binzer are talented musicians, but what good will come from Celebrity Rehab? Are we really exposing drug use in a positive light, are we going to learn something positive out of this, will kids be deterred from use or attracted to it? How does the media blitz about Chris Brown and Rihanna’s marital spat effect us (is it effect or affect, i get that one mixed up)? It is just so easy to quit and move on when this is all we see around us…we are being programmed for it. Can the institution of marriage prevail today?

Prove me wrong, prove me right, but just prove to me something! COMMENT PLEASE.

Life brings us may challenges, highs and lows. Here is an example of a young man, top of his game that was tragically lost. What does this have to do with a divorce blog? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own small world that we forget about the biggest picture. Living life each and every day. Jeremy Lusk was survived by his wife Lauren Lusk. She lost her husband Monday. One can only imagine her pain and the long road to her recovery.

Again, what does this have to do with a divorce blog? I have been following several divorce blogs on the web and monitoring the treads of conversation. How the divorce caused “so and so” so much pain, how “i will never be able to date again”, etc….. True, a divorce is a trying moment. But to put things in perspective it was a relationship that did not work out…true that it is still a loss, but it was not a loss due to death. Put things into perspective in your recovery from a relationship gone bad.

I would love to hear some comments or thoughts on the difference between losing a spouse vs. breaking up. I know the difference, but I want us all to see that in the big picture, your divorce or relationship distress is something that can be manageable, in most cases. Knowing that, you may take a bit of comfort that your divorce is not the end of the world. I realize this is not applicable to abusive or other very bad situations, but for the most part it still holds true!

My thoughts and prayers go out to Lauren Lusk and the entire family. I was a fan!

Lilly Friedman doesn’t remember the last name of the woman who designed and sewed the wedding gown she wore when she walked down the aisle over 60 years ago.  But the grandmother of seven does recall that when she first told her fiancé Ludwig that she had always dreamed of being married in a white gown he realized he had his work cut out for him.

For the tall, lanky 21-year-old who had survived hunger, disease and torture this was a different kind of challenge.  How was he ever going to find such a dress in the Bergen Belsen Displaced Person’s camp where they felt grateful for the clothes on their backs?? ?   Fate would intervene in the guise of a former German pilot who walked into the food distribution center where Ludwig worked, eager to make a trade for his worthless parachute.  In exchange for two pounds of coffee beans and a couple of packs of cigarettes Lilly would have her wedding gown.

For two weeks Miriam the seamstress worked under the curious eyes of her fellow DPs, carefully fashioning the six parachute panels into a simple, long sleeved gown with a rolled collar and a fitted waist that tied in the back with a bow. When the dress was completed she sewed the leftover material into a matching shirt for the groom.? ?   A white wedding gown may have seemed like a frivolous request in the surreal environment of the camps, but for Lilly the dress symbolized the innocent, normal life she and her family had once led before the world descended into madness.  Lilly and her siblings were raised in a Torah observant home in the small town of Zarica, Czechoslovakia where her father was a melamed, respected and well liked by the young yeshiva students he taught in nearby Irsheva.

Lilly Friedman and her parachute dress on display in the Bergen Belsen Museum

He and his two sons were marked for extermination immediately upon arriving at Auschwitz.  For Lilly and her sisters it was only their first stop on their long journey of persecution, which included Plashof, Neustadt, Gross Rosen and finally Bergen Belsen.

Four hundred people marched 15 miles in the snow to the town of Celle on January 27, 1946 to attend Lilly and Ludwig’s wedding.  The town synagogue, damaged and desecrated, had been lovingly renovated by the DPs with the meager materials available to them.  When a Sefer Torah arrived from England they converted an old kitchen cabinet into a makeshift Aron Kodesh.

“My sisters and I lost everything – our parents, our two brothers, our homes. The most important thing was to build a new home.”  Six months later, Lilly’s sister Ilona wore the dress when she married Max Traeger.  After that came Cousin Rosie.  How many brides wore Lilly’s dress? “I stopped counting after 17.” With the camps experiencing the highest marriage rate in the world, Lilly’s gown was in great demand.

In 1948 when President Harry Truman finally permitted the 100,000 Jews who had been languishing in DP camps since the end of the war to emigrate, the gown accompanied Lilly across the ocean to America.  Unable to part with her dress, it lay at the bottom of her bedroom closet for the next 50 years, “not even good enough for a garage sale. I was happy when it found such a good home.”

Home was the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C. When Lily’s niece, a volunteer, told museum officials about her aunt’s dress, they immediately recognized its historical significance and displayed the gown in a specially designed showcase, guaranteed to preserve it for 500 years.? But Lilly Friedman’s dress had one more journey to make. Bergen Belsen, the museum, opened its doors on October 28, 2007.  The German government invited Lilly and her sisters to be their guests for the grand opening. They initially declined, but finally traveled to Hanover the following year with their children, their grandchildren and extended families to view the extraordinary exhibit created for the wedding dress made from a parachute.

Lilly’s family, who were all familiar with the stories about the wedding in Celle, were eager to visit the synagogue.  They found the building had been completely renovated and modernized.  But when they pulled aside the handsome curtain they were astounded to find that the Aron Kodesh, made from a kitchen cabinet, had remained untouched as a testament to the profound faith of the survivors.  As Lilly stood on the bimah once again she beckoned to her granddaughter, Jackie, to stand beside her where she was once a kallah.  “It was an emotional trip.  We cried a lot.”

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Two weeks later, the woman who had once stood trembling before the selective eyes of the infamous Dr. Josef Mengele returned home and witnessed the marriage of her granddaughter.  The three Lax sisters – Lilly, Ilona and Eva, who together survived Auschwitz, a forced labor camp, a death march and Bergen Belsen – have remained close and today live within walking distance of each other in Brooklyn.  As mere teenagers, they managed to outwit and outlive a monstrous killing machine, then went on to marry, have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and were ultimately honored by the country that had earmarked them for extinction.

As young brides, they had stood underneath the chuppah and recited the blessings that their ancestors had been saying for thousands of years.  In doing so, they chose to honor the legacy of those who had perished by choosing life.

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Source:  Jewish Press

Going through a divorce can be one of the most emotional roller coaster rides you will ever encounter. Separating and going your separate ways may be the most gut-wrenching step you ever take. There is one thing that will pull on your heartstrings even more. Divorce when there are children involved undoubtedly adds a profound and complicated layer to an already tumultuous process. That is, you are not only dealing with your own reactions and grief, but now must help your little ones through it as well.

For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an “intact family”. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children. This is good news. This means parents have the power to handle their divorce in such a way that gives their children a chance to still thrive and have a solid childhood. Easier said than done? YES. Can it be done? YES!

Why is this easier said than done? For many people, divorce is so emotionally draining that it leaves them with little reserve to be attuned to the needs of their children. Parents can be in such a state of shock, anxiety, anger, despair and grief that they get completely engrossed in their own reality and lose touch with how much their reactions may be impacting their child. These are not “bad” parents, they are just entrenched in their own pain. These parents are so overwhelmed with their own emotions that they can’t possibly be able to effectively help their children through this difficult time. In turn, their children are left to emotionally fend for themselves, and often times, even feel the burden of taking care of their parents who appear to be falling apart. This does not bode well for children in the short-term or the long run as this complicated pain gets integrated into who they are.

Again, this is where a support system can be exceedingly helpful. If a parent can reach out to others during this time, and directly deal with their own feelings, this can help them keep themselves in check so that they can be emotionally available to their child. This is helpful to the children in a variety of ways. First, when a parent successfully deals with his or her own emotions, he or she will come out of the dense fog of pain and be able to witness what is going on for the child. Second, a parent who can effectively modulate his or her own feelings will model the same for the child. Lastly, feelings that are dealt with and owned by the parent will less likely to be projected onto the child. This last point is one that many parents do not take into account simply because they are not aware of this process. However, I believe it is a key concept, and will devote my next article to explaining this idea further.

Indeed, divorce is never easy. Divorce when there is a child involved is even more difficult. Thankfully, parents can make a commitment to themselves and their children’s’ well-being by empowering themselves to help their kids through it all. Ultimately, parents have a chance to handle the divorce in a way that will actually enable their children to come out of the process with the tools to deal the bumps and turns that come with rollercoaster of life. And boy, will they need it!

I remember very clearly the moment I fell in love for the first time. I was in gym class, probably in about the 7th or 8th grade. I saw her walk into the gym were we were doing those worthless fitness tests, remember those? I hated them! Though my quest for the top percentile of pull ups in the entire school, i remember her walking in, she was in a black tee shirt and the old school Adidas sweats with the 3 white strips. She had long black hair and i could see her blue eyes from across the gym floor. I was taken by her, could not think of anything but her. Of course I don’t think I ever did talk to her, I was so shy back in the day. But to this day I still remember that picture in my minds eye. I WAS IN LOVE.

Is that what love is? Loving a person?

Another love story I have is recent. I have found peace within myself. My insecurities are long gone. I seem to be gaining complete control over the direction of my life. And in this new feeling I have, I have an overwhelming emotion for what I call G-D. I look around my surroundings and I am so grateful for what I have and for my family and friends…i get a sensation that I cannot explain, it shivers up and down my spine sometimes. I think that this may be LOVE?

So in the end, love must be many things. Many things to many people. All of which is neither right or wrong, it just IS. I think that love changes from minute to minute throughout ones life. What you think love is one minute, may be subordinate to what it means when you reach the next level of your life…love expands like the universe!

Love expands like the universe – Adam Weston!

With my random thoughts now on a post for all to see,  I now bring you some amazing love quotes ot ponder:

You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving….Amy Carmichael.

Love is like pi — natural, irrational,
and very important….Lisa Hoffman.

Love…Force it and it disappears. You cannot will love,
nor even control it. You can only guide its expression.
It comes or it goes according to those qualities in life
that invite it or deny its presence….David Seabury.

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven….Karen Sunde.

Love is not finding someone to live with,
it’s finding someone you can’t live without….Rafael Ortiz.

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in
the innermost core of his personality….Victor Frankel.

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something,
but to be loved by the one you love is everything….Unknown.

The fruit of Silence is Prayer
The fruit of Prayer is Faith
The fruit of Faith is Love
The fruit of Love is Service
The fruit of Service is Peace…. Mother Teresa.

Love is a flower…you’ve got to let it grow….John Lennon.

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear…
if you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time
a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt,
then you’re not really in love at all….C. J. Franks.

Love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because
it sees more, it is willing to see less….Rabbi Julius Gordon.

True love never dies for it is lust that
fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime
but lust just pushes away….Alicia Barnhart.

Dance like no one’s watching,
love like you’ll never be hurt,
sing like no one’s listening,
live like it’s heaven on earth….William Purky.

Love can happen anywhere at any time and
almost always when we least expect it….Unknown.

I love you, not for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you….Roy Croft.

“A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.”
–Ingrid Bergmen

“In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.”
–Margaret Anderson

“I love her and that’s the beginning of everything.”
–F. Scott Fitzgerald

“In love there are two things: bodies and words.”
–Joyce Carol Oates

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”
–George Sand

“The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”
–William Shakespeare

Love, the magician, knows this little trick
whereby two people walk in different directions
yet always remain side by side….Hugh Prather.

Love is not a matter of what happens in life.
It’s a matter of what’s happening in your heart….Ken Keyes.

Where there is great love there are
always miracles….Willa Cather.

Lust is when you love what you see.
Love is when you lust for what’s inside….Renee Conkle.

We cannot choose who we love,
only whose love we accept….Unknown.

Sex is a momentary itch,
love never lets you go….Unknown.

Love is a verb. We can’t say it enough. Love must not
only be spoken, but must also be shown. The beginning of
love is God. He showed His love in the most sacrificial of
ways so we could know our incredible value to Him. The price
of our adoption was the emptying of heaven of its greatest
treasure, God the Son, who is our Savior….Phil Ware.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us….Helen Keller.

Love is the seed of all hope. It is the enticement
to trust, to risk, to try, to go on….Gloria Gaither.

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
–Sam Keen

.”Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.”
–J. Isham

“Love doesn’t make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”
–Elizabeth Browning

“….A simple I love you means more than money….”
–Frank Sinatra

Sources:

100 Love Quotes

love quotes

I know you have your own thougths on love, share them below in a comment.

I was surfing the web today and found a great image. My thoughts were provoked by the simple statement on this image. Funny thing is that through my divorce recovery I reminded myself of these simple words day in and day out. To get over my lost relationship, my dissolved marriage, feelings of failure and the like, I decided that I really needed to start “living what I love”.

I can almost remember the day when I picked up, dusted off and made my new stand!

3 years later I am in the best place I have ever been…the best place ever. I remind myself that I live what I love.

Are you ready to make a stand? Do you have a motto to share? Click on the comment link and add a comment below!

Set some ground rules in private or in front of your mediators. No talking down to each other, no swearing, no eye rolling. It’s up to you to determine your own code of conduct. Then, stick to it. You’ve probably been nicer to perfect strangers at times than you have to each other.

Ask permission. Ask your spouse if it is okay to talk about certain issues before you bring them up either in mediation or outside it. If your spouse says no, wait, your chance will come.

The Peace Talks Way is to bring people to vulnerable places, yes but never to use that against them. Each time this happens, we can have a teachable moment which we can apply to all kinds of situations around loss, abandonment, feeling shameful, having secrets, coming clean.

Pace yourself. Take your discussion one step at a time and go slowly. Let your spouse have a moment to digest what has been said or suggested. Then, ask your spouse if he or she is ready to move on. To view a short video on “The Seven Keys to Solving Family Conflict,” see below:

As you move into these teachable moments, remember the first cut is the deepest. It resonates most with the drama and trauma of deep family of origin issues coming up to be integrated. Undigested experiences we have resurface again and again to be dealt with in a way that can feel a lot like emotional upheaval. For a great article on learning the art of diplomatic dialogue, see more here
It is preferable to let issues be digested and metabolized before moving on. Proceed consciously. Never go off half cocked. And if there is a lecture going on in your head you are sure is for someone else, it’s first and foremost for you!

For more information contact Peace Talks see Diana’s bio on Adam’s Wedding Dress

These are a few the truthful facts about the demise my marriage and our divorce settlement:

• About a year before our separation I caught my ex in a lie regarding her whereabouts with her trainer, red flag was raised.
• She sat me down and explained that she did not want to be married anymore, it was her decision, i tried to work it out, her mind was made up
• I never cheated on her, nor was I ever physically abusive, we just grew apart according to her, which I do not deny
• She did not want to go to marriage therapy, she was in therapy on her own to deal with her divorce decision
• We did not have kids
• We did not use attorneys in our divorce, rather a mediator and a paralegal
• She did not go after everything I had, rather told me what she wanted in a settlement
• I paid a very large lump sum based on home appreciation at the top of the market and a monthly alimony for 4 years

I am leaving out all opinions above and just giving you some background facts.

So what does this have to do with the day in the life of me? I was on my run today and my mind fell into thinking about still paying alimony. Why do I have to continue to do this. The economy is crap, I supported her for 10 years, she is the one that left me, she has her own business, I put her through school for her business, I paid for EVERYTHING but some utilities, some food and some furnishing…essentially everything…we have no kids…I support her for so long, and she gets to leave with the money that I worked so hard for…and money that was only on paper (the inflated house value) How is this? She battled with everything I did, we were different people, how could she want to come into this marriage with nothing, take for 10 years and justify that because she was married to me, she was missing out on earning other income…she actually said that to me!!!!  I will credit her for not listening to her friends advice to take me for all I have. She could have gone after everything the law allows as well as waste my money on attorney fees…she did not! But still, how could she justify taking anything at all??? She did not want to work out this relationship, she left, we did not have kids..she got a free ride financially for 10 years, came with nothing and took a chunk….

This is my mindset on my run. I AM WASTING MY RUN ON THIS THOUGHT PROCESS. What the hell am i thinking? 20 minutes of my life GONE on this….I suddenly  look up from my complete non focus on the moment and what do i see:

Actual Sky on my run

When I looked up at the sky I was greeted with the most amazing painted picture. I raced up about another 200 yards to a look out point that is off the trail where I proceed to take 6 pictures side by side. Above is that picture that I created in photoshop using the photomerge tool to create one accurate continuous panorama of about 180 degrees of the view.

How could I be so stupid…How could I not listen to my own divorce advice? I mean, I preach to the viewers of this site what to think about, how to cope with divorce…yet I am guilty of the exact thought process I am telling you not to commit to! How about that. I wasted part of my run, part of my NOW time re-hashing what has been hashed out 1000 times over in my head. What good could that possibly do? What forward motion could possibly be made with these thoughts?

I smiled at that moment. I am not perfect…in that moment I really actually sucked!   The remainder of the run I breathed in the air, looked at that amazing skyline and was excited to get back and tell my story. It is so easy to give advice, to put your opinion on someone…how easy is it to follow!?!?!?  I remind myself that I can choose my thought process. When I am focusing on what I just cannot control, or what I should just let go, I am unhappy and putting out a beacon of negativity to the universe. When I am happy, taking in the NOW, I am filled with joy…further proof that I am in control! I shifted my focus from the senseless past of my divorce and my perceived bad luck, to the beautiful sky, my run and how lucky I am to have what I have….PURE JOY.

I hope my imperfection has given you hope. If I can shift from place to place, you can too!

Cardiovascular – Of, relating to, or involving the heart and blood vessels.
Cardiorespiratory – Of, or pertaining to, or affecting both the heart and lungs and their functions.
Aerobic – Pertaining to, or caused by, the presence of oxygen.
Exercise – The activity of exerting your muscles in various ways to keep fit.
Training – Activity leading to skilled behavior; intended for use during an introductory, learning, or transitional period.
Strength – The quality or state of being strong; capacity for exertion or endurance.

Cardio (both vascular and respiratory) is exercise that is aerobic in nature.  In laymen’s terms, when doing cardio you are involving your heart, blood vessels and lungs, and using oxygen to get in shape and improve your health.  Strength training is using your body’s muscles via exertion and endurance to resculpt your body’s physique.
Cardiovascular training provides superb groundwork when it comes to exercise offering the following benefits:

• Weight management and/or loss
• Improved endurance
• Stress relief
• Increased metabolism (burn more calories throughout the day)
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Reduced anxiety and depression
• Improved immune system
• Increased self-esteem

However, as we age, we need more than just cardio exercise to help us maintain valuable muscle mass.   That’s where strength training plays a key role by offering the following benefits:

• Increased strength and power
• Increased muscle
• Improved posture
• Increased metabolism (burn more calories throughout the day)
• Injury prevention
• Increased bone density
• Improved range of motion, flexibility and stability
• Increased self-esteem

Now to answer the question of whether you should do cardio or strength training, the answer is both!  Whether you want to lose weight, lean and tone your body, or build muscle and strength, you need a combination of both cardio and strength training.  The difference is the amount of each you do.

For weight loss and leaning/toning your body, you ideally want a combination of aerobic exercise (cardio) and strength training to see results.  For example, a workout can consist of running outdoors for 30 minutes at a moderate pace and then doing medium-intensity strength exercises for various muscle groups.  The key is doing more repetitions in each exercise set (ex: 3 sets of 15-25 repetitions) and working out 5-6 days/week (ex: 3 days of strength training and 5 days of cardio).  Now with all that being said, however, you can’t forget about nutrition.  You can exercise as much as you like, but if you eat back the calories you burned, you won’t lose weight.

For building muscle mass and strength, you still want a combination of both strength training and aerobic exercise (cardio), but with a majority of your focus on strength training.  For example, you can combine strength and cardio exercises in a complete gym workout such as a set of pull-ups followed by 3 minutes on an elliptical trainer.  The key is doing fewer repetitions in each strength exercise set (ex: 3 sets of 8-12 repetitions) and also giving your muscles adequate rest for them to recover (ex: 45-60 minutes of training only 4 days/week).  In addition to this type of workout regimen, you also need to consume a greater amount of calories, and make sure you have an increase of protein to sustain your increased muscle mass.   You need to eat more calories than you’re burning each day, but not too much so you prevent adding fat.

Ultimately, you need to make sure you know what your fitness goal is before you decide on the combination of cardio and strength training you choose for your workouts.  Stay focused and make sure you also dink lots of water to keep yourself hydrated.

*Definitions from www.Dictionary.com.

© 2009 Heather Binns, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

Please see Heather’s complete bio and fitness after divorce articles here

Of interest, the study seems to take a negative view of the fact that a majority of these women’s magazine articles link cosmetic surgery to an improvement in emotional health “despite the lack of scientific consensus” that cosmetic surgery has that effect. What’s worse, according to the study, is that male perceptions are commonly used to define standards of female attractiveness that are used to “justify undergoing cosmetic surgery,” especially body plastic surgical procedures it would seem.

This is a common opinion among plastic surgery detractors. It’s the age-old message, “You don’t need a facelift to feel good about yourself! That’s superficial. Embrace your wrinkles. Find your inner happiness.” Well, maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t. Far be it from us plastic surgeons to ply and push our trade onto anyone. But, believe it or not, outer and inner beauty just might be more aligned than you think.  A recent study even suggested that plastic surgery can reduce dependence on anti-depressants. Imagine how plastic surgery may assist in post divorce self-esteem issues. After divorce, change is the urge of most people. Self improvement can help post divorce.

What plastic surgery detractors should know is what we see every day. We talk to women who have and do look beyond cultural perspectives. They’re not having a nose job or eyelid tuck because their friend or boyfriend or husband told them to. In fact, many mates are opposed to the idea of surgery. They love these women as they are. Our patients are doing it for themselves, because it will improve an area of concern that has dogged them for years.

The idea that a woman having plastic surgery is somehow ‘giving in’ to pressures from the media and society is just plain wrong. A couple of my happiest patients have been strong, intelligent, self-proclaimed feminist intellectuals who used to be staunch opponents of plastic surgery…that is, until they realized the benefits for themselves.

But don’t take it from me, take it from them. There may not be “scientific consensus” about most things, but we just recently published one of the largest known studies of plastic surgery’s effects on quality of life. And, the results showed that facial plastic surgery had an overwhelmingly positive effect on perceived quality of life, as much or even more so than most any other medical treatment. So, the proof is in the pudding, folks. If you’d like to read about it for yourselves, here is the article.

Dr. Soliman and Dr. Litner – Beverly HIlls Plastic Surgeron, Beverly HIlls Profiles

The genesis of most of my posts on Adam’s Wedding Dress are derived from things that I read, hear or experience. Giving divorce advice is not easy! I’ve had my eye on a couple of blogs recently and I see a continued pattern of post divorce questions. In addition to that, my recent membership on Facebook has brought to my attention many friends that are currently dating post divorce. Before I tackle this subject I want to reiterate some of my personal philosophies as well as the core philosophy of this site. I am not necessarily “giving advice” when I write my thoughts that you, the audience, reads. I want to be clear that I am expressing my life experience in a very objective manner. One should not take these writings as a definative “how to” or “should do”, rather take these writings as a point of view for reference. Your life experience is much different then mine. In fact, your life experience is different then any other life experience. Everywhere we look, be it a friend, an article, a book or even a professional, we are overwhelmed with advice and “you should do” or “you need to do”. Until I came to understand that the only person that really gets me is me, all that advice and “should do’s” were pretty worthless. Having said that, now I can listen to advice and “should do’s” with the notion that I take from them what I need, learn from them, and generally invite the experience of others into my experience. So please do that here, take from these words what makes sense to you, understand what you can, then take what works for you.

Dating after divorce will not be a one post subject! I’ll start with some background and continue the thread with many posts. I invite you to participate with comments at the bottom of this page if you are inspired or disagree!

How soon after my divorce can I start dating?

That is the repeated question I am seeing and hearing over and over. How soon after divorce to date? Is there a right time. Should I wait a year? What about my children? Check this thread out on Yahoo Answers for example. Also, if you do a Google search you will find many instances of this question, you will also find people profiting from selling “guides” on this subject. PLEASE!!!!!!

I am not going to talk about a time line, rather I am going to discuss your mindset, this should not surprise you if you have read any of my other posts. I am a man, and my perspective is quite different then that of a woman’s. What I want to present is something general for both sexes, then get into some details for guys and girls. Remember, this is a real life experience of someone that has been through this! To that point I will share some details of my experience.

For 10 years I was 100% faithful to my ex. I met her, and was married 2 years later. Our marriage lasted 8 years. That is 10 years out of my life that I was with one woman and one woman only. I never strayed. This

is important to understand as this shaped my particular circumstance. I have friends with very different circumstances. For example, I have a very close girlfriend who’s husband cheated on her. I have a very close buddy that cheated on his wife. I have friends both male and female that were in very violent relationships, I have a friend that lost his spouse to illness, and, like my situation, I have friends that just had a relationship wear out.

Each of the above situations garners a different mindset in getting back into a relationship. Keep in mind that any kind of dating is a relationship, even if you go on a date and find out the guy is a total tool, that still is a relationship to a very small degree. My post marriage dating experience started from the fact that I was in a worn out marriage, two people that had grown apart. Our marriage became sexless…or more important, sensuality-less (I’m making up words). I am a very social person and was worried sick about being alone, the sooner I could get some opposite sex, human contact the better. Was I “ready” to date? Depending on what you call dating, I was ready for anything that had to do with another woman! For me I could not be more excited to get out in the dating game.

I want to be very sincere and honest here. I had NO intention whatsoever to jump from this marriage into a serious relationship. I wanted to make up for so called lost time and have human contact. I had a new found freedom. Imagine this, being in a “sensuality-less” marriage, a marriage where two people had grown apart instead of together. Now throw me out into civilian life! And remember that I am a guy! This is important: My mind was set (my mindset) on carefree, fun times, NOT another marriage.

What is your mindset? Think that over. This is the first part of my post divorce dating topic. Are you looking to jump right back into a “relationship”, or are you just looking to have “fun”. This matters. From my experience it seems, as a general statement, that my guy friends want to just get out there and have fun.  On the other hand, as a general statement, many of my girlfriends are looking for Mr. Right and want to quickly start up a new, long lasting relationship. I caution the reader to understand that this is just a generalization and not always the case, but for the most part this is what I am seeing. I can honestly say that I did want to just go out and have some “fun”, I was not looking for a new wife.

I’m going to conclude this first post with no real advice (sorry). Read over this background information presented in this post. Consider the fact that there are a pool of people out there, some looking to have “fun” and some looking to find thier next spouse. This holds true for those that are post divorce and those that have never even been married. To really understand when is the right time to start dating, I think it is important to understand what your mindset is…what is it that you are looking for NOW and in the FUTURE. In my next post I will give you some real life examples of my experience and those of my friends. You will ultimately find that it matters not WHEN to start dating, rather what it is you are looking for. With that information in hand, your post dating experience can be positive for you and for those you come in contact with!

If I have provoked any thoughts, please share them in the comment box below. Divorce Support comes in many forms, your input helps.

When you decide, that your life is a prize, renew and revive.

Those are lyrics to a song that I was just listening to before I turned my computer on to write this post. Actually, I heard those lyrics and I knew that I had to write this post. I find it amusing that I never really “heard” those lyrics before…just kind of sang them in the melody of the song….amusing that they just jumped out at me today.

I’ve recently reconnected with many old friends and I have found myself repeating my life story as it has transpired over the past 20 years. Facebook will do that to you. Adam, how are you? What have you been doing? I see that you are not married anymore? What happened? Sorry to hear that? In every intance of the question, my answer has been consistant: I am fantastic, I am blessed and happier then I have ever been. I am so happy for what I have.

I am so happy for what I have.

Please think that over….I’ll wait a bit here for you to read that again.

[this blank space is intentional and is to be filled with the tune from Final Jeopardy]

[this blank space is intentional and is to be filled with the tune from Final Jeopardy]

Ok…did you read it again. I AM SO HAPPY FOR WHAT I HAVE. I make an intentional process each and every day to remind myself how lucky I am for the things that I have. It may surprise you that I am not talking about a nice car, or a nice house, or most any material things. I am happy for the little things like being able to make a few people a day smile, or my health…or the fact that I have hands to type this post. Does that sound odd…hands to write this post? I recall a story my dad used to tell me when I was whinning for something that I wanted. He told me, Son, there was a man that was so sad because his shoes had holes, the soles, the tops, all had holes and were falling apart, he could not afford to buy new shoes…he was so sad…then one day, while wearing these ratty shoes…he noticed a man on crutches that lost both of his feet! Ponder that for a second. If you are in pain right now, ponder that. If you are thinking that your divorce situation is so bad, ponder that for a second.

We are all searching for support, advice and help in our divorce. But I can tell you, after the fact, all the support, advice and help is really within you already. Sounds silly I know.

Here is an exercise:

I would like you to end your day tonight, before you fall asleep, by thanking whatever power that be, (I have my own form of a higher power, a consciousness that I thank, yours can be G-D, Jesus or any other power that you believe in) for the things that you HAVE. Fall asleep thinking of the things that you have. You are lucky to have these things. This may not be easy because you, like most people, concentrate mostly on the things that you do NOT have. Here are some examples:

• I wish I could get over the pain of this divorce
• If I only had a better car
• She/He is so happy, why can’t I be
• I’m stuck here with no hope of ever finding another good person to be with
• I don’t want to date again
• That bastard cheated on me
• The pain is so bad, everyone is happy but me, no one can understand my pain, I can never be happy again, I will carry this pain with me forever
• Why did he/she do this to me?

Do you see this pattern? Does it sound familiar to you? Do you see the direction this is taking you? Before bed tonight shift that thinking and concentrate on the wonderful things that you have.

• I am so thankful for my children
• Although my friends don’t know exactly what I am going though, I am so lucky that they are here for me
• I love my family
• Look at my pet, I am so lucky to have a buddy!
• I have a car to drive, many people don’t even have a car…i am so thankful for that!
• Look at around me, I am so fortunate to have these clothes and shoes and simple things like a toothbrush!
• How lucky can one be to have control over their life and the freedom to may decisions…I am so thankful for that!
• I have feet to put my shoes on!

Do you FEEL the difference of these statements…I can feel them in my shoulders actually…they make me smile inside and relax. The former statements make my shoulders tence up and climb to my ears!

As you say YOUR OWN version of the above postive thoughts, be very gracious and thankful for these things that seem so insignificant. What this will do for you is start your mind in a positive direction. Your sleep WILL be more peaceful. Wake up and repeat this process. Be thankful that you are starting a brand new day…look out your window and be thankful for the tree that you never noticed before, look at the leaves, watch it sway in the wind, for you are lucky that you can even do this! Listen to things you never noticed before. Find yourself being thankful for the people in your life and the future ahead of you. TRUELY, WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR LIFE IS A PRIZE…YOU WILL THRIVE.

This is a very easy thing to do. Put aside the thought process of helplessly wishing for things that are not in your possession, and concentrate on what you have NOW. You did not have these things before, but you do now, be thankful for that. This mindset, should you chose to focus on it, will change your outlook on so many things. Material things will become less important and joyous thing will materialize in your life experience. It has to be this way, it IS this way.

How do I know this stuff? Well i really don’t. This is MY experience. But, I have seen first hand the change my close friends have gone through when they adopt this thought process. I have seen the change I have gone though in adopting it for myself. For me it was easy to adopt after my divorce, as I have always been a very positive person. Even if you are not so positive, that is ok…baby steps.

So now I would like you to adopt this thought process for yourself. Tonight before bed, deliberately be thankful for the things you have, enter NOT in your thoughts anything lacking or in want. When you wake up, from that sleep, you’ll be happier then you have ever been! (those are lyrics from the same song) Continue this mindset…of thanks for what you have as much as you can, before bed, and when you wake up…if you think of it during the day, If you catch yourself slipping into sadness over something you do not have, SHIFT to your process of gratitude for what you have. Do this for a week and I dare you to tell me that something in your life has not changed for the better. Things will continue to change and you will have more to be thankful for…it is crazy how it happens, I get giddy talking about it!

After my divorce, as I have mentioned many times here, I felt quite alone. I’m a very social person and have many friends, but none the less, I felt alone. Think about this in your own life experience for a minute. You have a life together with someone. You have your group that you are always doing something with TOGETHER. Of course, there are boys nights and girls nights out, but for the most part your social life revolves around some combination of your mutual friends and the friends that you build together throughout your marriage. Something also happens in a marriage, and in any relationship for that matter….you seem to stray from some of your friends for one reason or another. Maybe your spouse does not like your college bro, or you really dislike her chatty manicurist…whatever the case, for whatever reason, you “lose” some friends too. Actually “life happens” and we tend to lose touch of people that we met along the way. These factors do not serve you well when you are tossed out into the world of life after marriage.

Flash forward to this past Xmas day. I was home sick. Got my annual head cold a few days prior and I was just feeling like crap. For the past year I have had various friends requesting me to join Facebook. I shunned them all. I got caught up in MySpace a few years earlier and it was more of a youthful disaster site …. the girl I was dating at the time was pissed that she was not my number one profile, she knew when I was on the site, got jealous of others making comments, it was insane. That said, I figured that Facebook was more of the same and I wanted nothing to do with that! I get crazy like that, when my mind is made up it becomes a matter of principal. (I still have not seen ET because my buddy and I said we never would.)

As I was sitting around with nothing to do, sick, feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from Sara. She sent me a link to a site that she wanted me to do some commenting on, in turn I can meet more people and share my posts, too. The site is really cool, check it out: Think Simple Now. This site seems to have the  same mission as Adam’s Wedding Dress: to help others. Stick with me!  As I looked more at Tina’s site, I noticed how she was involved in Facebook. I figured now was the time to bust a move and finally get started, so I reluctantly created a profile and a Facebook page for Adam’s Wedding Dress

As I did all this I got to thinking…

Facebook is actually great. It brings people together. As I added a few friends there was a cascading effect of their friends seeing me on their individual pages, so I started to hear from people that I knew 20 years ago. I personally am in a great place in my life, but I thought, WOW, this could have been so useful to me during the months after the move out. There was nothing more debilitating than sitting at home alone with my thoughts. The past few days have been filled with new and old friends connecting with me and it is actually quite fun. I have connected with old High School mates, a group of friends that I had after I graduated from college and moved back to LA, ex employees and more. This is GREAT therapy and would have been incredibly helpful right after my ex moved out.

This is not a complete solution of course, but it is a great start to get out and back in the world. As always, reach for what feels good to you and make sure that you follow that path. Reconnecting with old friends (good friends) that have just slipped away for whatever reason is great. You reminisce of good old times, and good feelings come back. So maybe a social network like Facebook can help you in your divorce recovery. Facebook, the ultimate divorce support group…what a crazy concept!

If you are wrestling with whether to leave your marriage, you undoubtedly find yourself in a very low place of deep ambivalence. This will continue nagging you until you are pressed to resolve it.  Once you are so sick and tired of the inner conflict that you can’t stand it any more, you will give up.  You will, quite literally surrender.

It’s the very nature of an awkward rite of passage, like divorce, to put us through the wringer and bring us to the proverbial bottom. When we are sick of the trauma and drama, we say, “No more!” It is within that moment of surrender that the atmospherics are present for us to set our intent for a better way out of the mess we are in.

Right after we surrender, it is important to take a moment to connect with our inner will-to-do-good. If you are seeking an answer to one of life’s most difficult questions, “Should I divorce my spouse?,” you’ll want to make sure the answer takes into account your desire to do right by everyone involved.

When you ask within for guidance, you must listen with a brave heart. Be willing to be vulnerable enough to resolve your ambivalence and get your business finished with your spouse.

Stay positive by committing to the idea that your actions and the way you handle yourself in these unfortunate circumstances can bring about a good outcome.

Claim a stake in yourself as an adult who is capable of solving your own problems.  If you decide to go, you can do so without giving anyone a hard time, disrespecting anyone, or setting a bad example for your children.

Pose the question to the deepest part of yourself:
•    If I am going to stay in this marriage, who am I?
•    If I am going to leave this marriage, who am I?
•    How do I stay?
•    How do I go?

Then, listen. You will feel the answer in your body. Notice where in your body you feel the answer. You will know what to do once your ambivalence is resolved and in this way learn to trust your inner guidance.

If your are thinking of divorce, did this article give you any guidance or comfort? If you are already divorced, does this thought process help you where you are now? Please comment!

For a full bio on Diana Mercer and links to other articles click here

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

I was in the car on the way back down Mammoth Mountain. My husband was on the other end of the phone line in Illinois.
“How can you even think it is ok to be talking to HER Adam?”
He only responded by trying to shut me up, being angry and saying that he did not have to talk about it.

SHE was someone I had caught him chatting (online) with a week earlier, only a few hours after we had decided to go to counseling.  They were coming up with a plan to meet up, referring to me as the warden. I forgave him then, I mean…I forgave him every time, so many times. We started to go to counseling. Counseling, it seemed, was for me to better cope with a cheating spouse, not to figure out why he continued to cheat.

Now I let him know that I would not be coming back to Illinois, that it had all been enough. Everything was over…or just beginning to be over.

Since that day last March I have been struggling with my decision. Did I make the right choice? Was divorce really the best option?

He has a new woman now, he has since May and I just wonder why I am left holding all the bags. He seems to have processed everything and be right as rain…while I…well I am in a different boat entirely. I have no trust…a certain distaste for men, I fear that I’m a potential heartbreaker. I cared for someone and turned him loose. I think I am looking for perfection, but if I found it would I keep it right now? It is a hard thing to know that you need to be alone, you have to push everyone away from you so that you can process things, you know? 10 months later I’m still so lost.

You’re no longer with your spouse and you’re amongst a whirlwind of uncertainties…now what?

Make changes to mold your new future by using your body and your mind. It’s been said many times that if you feel good about yourself and have a positive self-image, that positive aura exudes from within to those around you.

How do you feel about yourself right now? Do you have a positive self image?

To improve your self-image and feel good about yourself, you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally by changing the one thing that affects both your physical and mental well being ? FITNESS!

There are many proven benefits from physical activity:

• Look and feel better
• Improve your health:

1. Help prevent high blood pressure
2. Strengthen your bones
3. Fend off heart disease and other medical problems

• Relieve stress
• Achieve and maintain an appropriate weight for your height and build

You have complete control over your fitness level and activities. Start your new independent life by setting a goal and choosing a fitness routine to get fit and achieve that goal. Whether it’s losing five pounds, using the gym three times a week, running a 5K race, or just feeling better about yourself, decide how you’ll achieve that goal now. Try to follow this plan:

1. Choose a goal and give yourself a timeframe within which to achieve it. Then decide upon a reward for when it’s achieved. Note: It’s better to start with a smaller goal you know is definitely attainable to prevent yourself from getting discouraged. (Example: Workout for 1 hour, 3 days a week, through December 31, 2008).
2. Put your goal in writing and place it somewhere you look every day (Example: The refrigerator, at your desk, on your bedroom wall, etc.).
3. Open your calendar and decide what days and times each week you’ll work towards your goal (Example: Mon/Wed/Fri from 7:00pm – 8:00pm).
4. Make sure you have all the items you need to prepare for, and achieve, your goal (Example: Workout clothes, gym shoes with the right support, water bottle, workout gloves).
5. Tell someone close to you about your goal so they can help hold you accountable. Make sure to ask him/her to check-in on you regularly to help keep you on-track (Example: A relative, best friend, coworker).
6. Record your progress and hold yourself accountable. This allows you to reward yourself for staying on-point, or notice if you need to work harder at maintaining your commitment. (Example: Put a big “X” on a monthly calendar on the days you actually worked out for 1 hour).
7. Reward yourself when you achieve your goal (Example: Buy that nice item you’ve wanted for some time).
8. Repeat steps 1 through 7 with another goal and/or the next step of your ultimate “larger” goal (Example: Run a local 5K race).

As you work towards your new fitness goal, you are going to feel better about yourself because you are doing physical activity and getting fit. Being fit gives you more energy to complete your everyday tasks as you do not tire as easily. Being fit allows you to sleep better because you have worked harder throughout the day and your body needs the rest each night, allowing your muscles to recover. Finally, you’ll see changes to your body as you are burning more calories each day. All of this in-turn uplifts your mental well-being and your vibe is going to boast happiness and success!

So, you have hit one of life’s little rough spots. We have talked about this before. You are looking around for answers and find it difficult to locate a viable source. What about your parents?

O.K., let’s get the laughter over with. Let us assume that they are not divorced themselves. And even if they are, they are still your parents. Who better to talk to? Who else has a bigger investment in you? Who else is in pain because of your problem? Who else has placed their hopes and dreams in you?  At this moment, who loves you more than your parents? Be honest!

Let’s examine this possibility a bit closer. Your job is to understand that they come from a different time warp. Their job is to understand that they come from a different time warp.  One of the most difficult things for parents to understand is times changed and your world is no longer their world. One of the most difficult things for you to understand is your world is no better or that theirs is no worse. Everything depends on both of you understanding that your worlds are different. Look, I am certain that your parents offer you pounds of information. Please don’t tell them they don’t know what they are talking about. They do, but much of it may be outdated. To know how to handle it, read on.

If your parents are living, you are very lucky to have this valuable source of information about life. That is exactly what they can be if you will let them; a valuable source of information. If you use this source effectively, you could be surprised how much of the information, because of their life experience, can be valuable to you. BUT, you must know how to use the information. You have to absorb their information, sift through it and determine what can still be relevant at this time and this arena, and what has to stay in their time warp because it is not relevant at this time. If you write them off as an info source, it would be like tossing out a world book of information because you didn’t like the color of the cover.

Now is the time to knock them off their feet with, “Mom, Dad, I need your input.”
Peace
Adam’s Dad – Don Weston

This seeming conflict of lady and tomboy makes it hard for me to find someone that knows how to relate to me and often, I even have trouble knowing myself. Therein lies the problem and the basic reasons my relationships failed.

First, a tip. Communicate. Communicate before the relationship gets very serious, communicate after, always communicate. Don’t let things get so out of control that the only solution is divorce. It can be avoided if partners simply communicate at all points during the relationship.

It is difficult being an old-fashioned gal with a tomboy’s persona. On one hand, I want what so many people want: a relationship that lasts ’til death do us part’; someone who cherishes me, protects me, and loves me for who am I and not what I could be; and to be the caregiver while the partner is the breadwinner. On the other hand, I shy away from cooking and cleaning, preferring to hire a profession to do those things for me; I dislike dresses and skirts; I like to get dirty whether it’s a muddy game of football or a long hiking and camping trip.

My first long-term relationship was fraught with physical and mental abuse because not only did he have anger management issues, but he was so insanely jealous that his possessiveness was smothering. After him, I went the completely opposite route and found a man who seemed to be a true romantic, a real ladies’ man, someone who let me be me. Little did I know, until after I married him, that he was so easy-going because he was far too busy in relationships with other women at the same time.

When that marriage ended, I waited until I thought I was ready and then found a man that I thought would be perfect for me. He was possessive enough that he made me feel like I precious to him, but laid back enough that I didn’t feel smothered.  Unfortunately, he had never had a real relationship before: eight years my junior, still in college, still living at home while in school. I thought this lack of ‘baggage’ would be a boon, but it turned out to be a downfall.

I was scared of communication, truth-told. When I tried to communicate with the abuser, I was abused. When I tried to communicate with the cheater, I was lied to. So I avoided communication and, with him having so little life experience, he truly didn’t know HOW to communicate.

This alone was the source of the death of our marriage. Let’s go back to the beginning, though, so you can see how a fairytale can become a nightmare when both people refuse to talk…

In 2000, I met an amazing guy online. He was sweet, he listened when I talked, he called me just to see how my day was going. For two years we cultivated a friendship online and I finally felt like I was doing right by myself. This was finally a relationship that was not based in the physical, but in a friendship, something I thought could be a rock that could weather any storm in a relationship.

After two years we met and our friendship became a romance. Sadly, we both had expectations of the romance that we had not discussed during the course of our friendship. He wanted someone that was submissive, and while I enjoyed him taking charge in the bedroom, out of it, I had (and have) a very strong personality that didn’t mesh well with his “good little 50′s wife” ideal.

Among my other expectations (a lover, a partner, a friend), I had one that was of someone strongly driven to succeed in life. I like material things, who doesn’t? But that wasn’t why I wanted a driven person. I wasn’t expecting to sit back and reap the rewards of his hard work like some gold-digger or trophy wife.

I wanted a driven person so that there would be security in our future. I wanted a driven person so that I could be his support system. Specifically, he said his dream was to write a book (one I share, actually) and I was his cheerleader in that and my goal was to be a manager/personal assistant-type to help him manage his schedule.

This was the best of THREE worlds for me: One, I would be able to prove my success and worth in my own right in that role, two, aside from my partner, I’d be my own boss, and three, I’d get to do something I LOVE which is being a guiding light.  Not much gives me more joy than to help others in some manner.

So we both ended up being disappointed. He got into some online hobbies that completely distracted him from finishing college and writing. I turned out to be a more dominant personality than he’d wanted.

When our son was born, I urged him to move us from Ohio to Georgia (where his family is located) in an effort for a fresh start. This was the true beginning-of-the-end for us. This is where I really saw his true colors… and he saw mine.

Living with his parents while our house was trying to be sold, he became lazy, throwing himself into his online pursuits and waiting six months before trying to find a job to support his family. He also reverted back to ‘mama’s boy’. Now there is nothing wrong with a son loving his mother and I hope I have a great bond with my son throughout his life, but this was to the extreme. He completely disregarded me and our needs as a couple in order to keep his mother happy.

During this, my strong personality came out in an effort to try and control the situation that I felt was destroying our marriage. This led to a strained relationship with his family, that in turn strained our marriage even further in some deadly cycle.

It became obvious in a hurry that the move to Georgia was a huge mistake.

Eventually we found some common ground and decided to move back to Ohio. Our home had not sold, our debt was piling up from maintaining two residences with our limited budget, and we were on the verge of divorce.

But our communication had completely collapsed. We tried counseling, ‘dating’ each other again, but we never truly communicated. Our ‘dates’ were what he wanted to do, which were sexual games, never what I wanted to do, which was dinner, or a trip to the zoo or aquarium or movies. Sex is nice and all, but a date consisting of ONLY sex and no true connecting to me seems to be really lacking in what couples need to bond.

And our bond was growing weaker by the day.

Finally, in January 2008, an old friend of his encouraged him to come back to an online gaming forum to play with her. As with his other online pursuits, he threw himself into this with abandon, completely disregarding his son. He would have completely disregarded me too, but he managed to convince me to come play with them. Just like our ‘dates’ and how they were always focused on only sex, instead of an in-depth story arc, he just wanted to play cyber sex.  And like our dates, this ended in a hurry for me… a woman can’t survive on sex alone. Sorry men. It’s true.

I tried to communicate with him about this, but he refused to listen, telling me things like “I like to play this with you because you are the best writer I’ve ever met.” Sure, flattering, but why not write stuff other than sex then?

After a while he turned to other women for that online cyber-fix and I pulled further and further away. A path I’d been on since we’d moved to Georgia years earlier.

At one point I met two women online that I became friends with. This didn’t set well with him, because he was used to be the only person in my life, other than our son, who could claim my time. Soon, his cyber-sex friends tried to convince him that I MUST be having an affair, because why wouldn’t I want to spend time with him instead of them?

Perhaps these women were happy with the fact that they had no friends, aside from a sex-addicted married man, and couldn’t see that our marriage had been dying for years. I can’t blame them, though, as they can only know what they are told and if we had not communicated well enough for him to see the marriage dying too, how could he possibly communicate exactly how long back our problems had went?

These friendships I had were not affairs, not in the least, but they did fill a hole I had in my life. Eventually, the friendships ended (too long a story to go into here, but the basic gist is I don’t tolerate being lied to and both of them lied to me.. a lot). By this time, he had flung himself so deeply into his cyber-affairs and had himself so firmly convinced that I was doing something wrong, that once he had me “back”, friendless and needing some kind of caring in my life, he denied me.

And this is what caused the real affair to happen. A self-fulfilling prophecy, that one.  It was an emotional affair, and to be honest, it is still going strong, but I am a very loyal person and I never even would have gravitated in such a way to this man had it not been the distance from my husband that had been building for years and culminated during the online mess of this year (2008).

In October, 2008, my husband filed for divorce. I had been ready for it since August of 2006 before we moved back to Ohio and the only reasons I didn’t file were one, our son, and two, I’m an eternal optimist and hoped we could rebuild our relationship, or, really in our case, build it from scratch since we started it on such faulty perceptions.

I’m going to end here, even though it seems a bit awkward a place to stop, but I am going to wrap up with the following:

First, a tip. Communicate. Communicate before the relationship gets very serious, communicate after, always communicate. Don’t let things get so out of control that the only solution is divorce. It can be avoided if partners simply communicate at all points during the relationship.

Second, an offer. If anyone has any questions on anything I’ve written, as it’s long and yet still a very brief overview, feel free to ask me in the comments. If my story can inspire, or help, or warn, then I am willing to impart any of my experience to help that.

Finally, some inspiration. “There are no failures – just experiences and your reactions to them.” That is a quote from Tom Krauss, a motivational speaker from the early part of the 20th century. Never feel that because a relationship failed, you are a failure. Just learn from it and use that new knowledge to make the next one better. Eventually you’ll find that someone that is perfect for you.

I did.

Your success with the legal process during your divorce will depend in large part on how you manage the emotions and life skill challenges you encounter along the way. As you enter and complete each phase of the legal process, recognize that emotional pressures may create obstacles. You can learn to understand them and get past them to act constructively and rationally.

You will also have challenges associated with independent living that you need to take on and master if you wish to stop feeling lost, helpless or angry. The emotional checklist below provides 10 guideposts against which you can gauge your progress as you proceed through the legal system. If you can successfully navigate your way to each of these guideposts, you have the best chance of reaching your final destination in a constructive manner.

1. Recognizing anger, hurt, distrust, revenge, fear and other emotions associated with loss
2. Learning to assess and manage household finances and responsibilities
3. Developing practical job and career options
4. Finding legal advice and expertise that counsels but does not inflame
5. Establishing a safe environment for yourself and your children
6. Negotiating firmly but fairly to obtain a financial settlement that maximizes family assets
7. Handling anxiety without unduly burdening the children, your spouse, or significant others
8. Using the legal system as a means of protection and structure, not intimidation or blackmail
9. Maintaining a respectful distance from your ex-spouse without creating unnecessary alienation
10. Creating legal and financial documents that establish your new independence and preserve family assets over time

For a host of information to help you during this emotionally tumultuous time during which you can’t afford to lose your head, be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://peace-talks.com/preparefordivorce/ Other on-line support is available at www.divorce360.com.

The path you taking on your divorce recovery may define you!

Divorce is typically an exceedingly tumultuous time. Life, as you know is about to take a drastic turn. In the midst of the fog of anxiety, sadness, and loss, it can be so difficult to see clearly. Fortunately, the best in you still always there, and despite the angst, there are moments where the road ahead is visible. If you pay attention, you may see a fork in the road. As scary as it may seem, the fork in the road presents an opportunity. That is, will you allow your life to take the direction full of bitterness, blame, despair, victimization and regret? Or will you choose a path lined with integrity, dignity, accountability and empowerment? Ultimately, the path you choose in those moments will inform the kind of life you will lead.

I often tell my clients, it is not what happens to you, but rather, how you handle it that makes all the difference in how you feel about yourself and your life. The same is true for divorce. The fact that you are going through a divorce is not as important as how you go through it. No matter what happens, no matter how your ex handles things, how the lawyers handle things, in every moment you have a choice. HOW will you handle it? Will you navigate from the best in you or the worst in you? Truly, this is a question you can always ask yourself. The worst in you may feel like fighting dirty. The worst in you may feel like manipulating the situation to reduce your anxiety. The best in you, on the other hand, will reach into your integrity and handle things in a way in which you will be proud of yourself. The best in you will value handling the situation in a way in which your dignity shines through. Ultimately, you will feel so good about yourself, even if your life circumstances are difficult and yucky. We all have our moments when our fear takes over and we try to control or change a situation. As we mature, we realize that not all things can be controlled or changed and that can be an utter waste of energy. So, rather than falling victim, we can empower ourselves and at least handle ourselves in a way in which we can feel proud. Really, sometimes that is all we have in a terrible situation. In the end, that defines the path we take. That path, in turn, defines what kind of life we lead. Which will you choose?

Dr. Marjan Madison’s full bio and other contributions can be view here

SO MUCH!

I have not discussed much about my divorce process on this blog, the reasons for my divorce, relationship problems, etc. I probably will, here and there, as a reference to a point I am trying to get across. Today I want to bring up divorce mediation. Of all the sad things that happened to me during the divorce process, the actual legal aspect was a blessing. My ex and I were able to agree to use a divorce mediator and a para legal to settle our divorce resolve.

We did not have a war. There was no battle or spite. We did not try to purposely hurt each other. I honestly just accepted that I was going to lose half of my financial life, I was very accommodating to her. To understand what was going to happen to me from a legal perspective, a visited a powerful lawyer that a good friend introduced me to, he told me all bad things that our laws will enable the ex to do, and told me my rights. He was clear that I needed legal counsel that I simply had too much to lose. I was confused and scared for my future after that meeting. I remember calling my dad and saying why is this happening to me.

In the end the ex did not want lawyers involved, nor did I.  This made the process very easy. So we agreed to go to a mediator. I won’t get into all the details here unless someone really wants to know, the outcome was painless and without too much stress. I realize that this is not always possible as divorce is filled with so many negative emotions including revenge! In the long run, you will be much better off with mediation, both emotionally and financially! Disclaimer: I am not implying that I am happy with the outcome, I still fell very strongly that in my situation, I should not have had to pay so much and also pay alimony, I am actually so bothered by this, but too bad, nothing I can do about it.

I will be posting a series of articles that pertain to mediation. I am grateful to Diana Mercer for providing me with more content then I will know what to do with. Diana is an attorney/mediator in the Los Angeles area, she is also an author. I have her full bio here Please also visit her website here.

I’m still wondering about advice. I am not sold on the idea of advice other then using it as a vantage point to consider your own circumstance. Everyone is just so different. Tonight I was out visiting a friend I made on my trip to Vancouver just after my divorce started. We met by chance in a restaurant and have stayed in touch for the past 2 years on and off. She and a good friend were visting Los Angeles this weekend and I had the opportunity to meet up with her for a late night snack. I had not seen her since the day we met, it was nice to catch up. The three of us got on the subject of dating, who we dated, for how long, why we date, don’t date or do date. We talked about current relationships and past relationships. As I sat there I pondered how different we all are. What dating means to me, may not be the same to her or you.

So while driving home tonight I wondered what I could find on “dating” with a quick google search. What I found was vast, but what struck me most was all the dating advice. Check this article out: dating article on yahoo answers

When is it ok to date again?

Another Answer

And another:

What I find so odd is that most of the answers of substance are warnings!

That’s right…warnings. How can you jump back into anything if the advice you are getting is a bunch of rules and warnings. I’ve never been good with rules actually. My father (Adam’s Dad) was in the service in WWII, he was set up on a date with my mom, he told me when he opened the door and saw her, he said to himself this was the woman he would marry. They have been married 63 years now! What if you head these warnings and you miss out on that kind of situation?

Surly you have to understand that if you go into something with the mentality that you should not be doing it and it cannot be right….well you know where I am going.

So instead of giving opposite advice and saying, “do what you want and don’t listen to anyone”, tonight I will give no advice, but ask you to consider the source of advice…i think your best bet is to follow YOUR HEART and GUT.