So, despite the slightly faltering start to my relationship with my future wife, I thought my marriage was going to last forever. After all, we were from similar backgrounds and we had willingly agreed to marry after conducting a relationship for a few years and living together happily before the wedding day. We both viewed matrimony as a sacred institution that you did not enter into lightly, nor did you leave it.

In fact, for many years it seemed we were going to live out my vision of marriage and family life in much the way I had grown up to believe and expect. We lived pretty harmoniously, enjoyed doing things together, shared similar values and had a congenial circle of friends. We happily invested time and energy in our three children because their welfare was our primary concern. Overall the atmosphere in the house was convivial and relaxed.

This familial bliss continued for about fifteen years before cracks began to appear. For numerous reasons my relationship with my wife gradually deteriorated until we reached a stage where we were hardly touching each other and resentments began to build up. It was a dark period for me generally.

My solution to my mid-life crisis was to seek therapy for myself. By contrast, my wife’s response to our predicament was to get into bed with a work colleague. When I found out, about two months later, it hit me like a thunderbolt. I felt like I had been slit down my middle with a knife; opened like a tin can. The pain just seared through me. What I felt was an agonizing mix of betrayal, abandonment, hopelessness and impotence. It was as if my world had collapsed. My life partner, my wife of nearly twenty years, mother of my three children was saying, “It’s over. You are not good enough. I want a new man.” In the early stages I was completely swamped by a sense of my own inadequacy, as a man, and as a husband. Later these feeling turned into anger and rage.

Fortunately I had already started therapy. It did not take long for the therapist to point out the connection between what I was feeling then, aged forty-six, and what I had experienced but didn’t allow myself to feel at the age of ten, when my mother died – abandonment. My wife’s betrayal had opened up an old wound, touching a very deep vein in my makeup.

Betrayal in the form of adultery is always painful. In my case, its exceptional power lay in the fact that it reawakened my deepest emotions: my wife was rejecting me in much the same way I felt my mother had “rejected” me by dying. In effect the situation that resulted was similar, only now it touched the core of my being.

My therapy helped me enormously to deal with what I was experiencing. Firstly, to cope with the crisis and, secondly, to begin to understand the dynamic I had established in relation to my mother. It also helped me go through the mourning I had not gone through at the time of my mother’s death, playing the tough boy instead. For the next five years I was in weekly therapy, at first in a one-to-one format and then as part of a group. Throughout this period, which paralleled the disintegration of my marriage and eventual divorce, I delved into the nature of my relationship with my mother and the effect her dying had on me. Naturally the therapy covered other aspects of my life as well.

Over time I came to realize that what initially felt like a double blow – my wife’s betrayal coupled with my memory of my mother’s abandonment – eventually became a transformative experience for me. The insight I gained into my emotional patterns allowed me to turn the saga into an opportunity. Somehow I managed to lay most of my demons to rest and virtually begin life afresh. I emerged a new man, in charge of my own life, able to be my own good father and mother, and lover if necessary. I got the whiff of freedom in my nostrils and became aware of myself as a sexually attractive man. Inadvertently, my breakup launched me into my present, and best, phase of my life.

Posture is the alignment and function of all parts of the kinetic chain at any given moment.  The kinetic chain is the combination and interrelation of the nervous, muscular and skeletal systems in your body.  So in essence, any deviation from proper postural alignment can cause a change in the body’s center of gravity, which affects the ability of the nervous, muscular and skeletal systems to work together.  The correct functioning of each system, both statically (without movement) and dynamically (with movement), is required for optimum performance and movement.

The main purpose of proper posture is to maintain the alignment of the musculoskeletal system that allows our center of gravity to be maintained over our base of support.  The ability to effectively maintain balance is termed as postural equilibrium.  In essence, posture is the position from which all movement begins and ends.  When you have proper postural alignment, you are able to optimize the ability of the nervous system to communicate effectively with the muscular system.  All of this insures that the muscles are optimally aligned and functioning properly with the body’s joints, which in-turn allows for proper dynamic muscle actions in multiple planes of motion.

Any imbalances you may have can be corrected by strengthening and stretching various muscles throughout your body.  Knowing which muscles need to be strengthened or made more flexible is determined by a physical imbalance/postural assessment.  Work with your Certified Personal Trainer to correct your imbalances through a combination of proper flexibility exercises and strength training to help keep your physical imbalances at bay.  Also, be sure that your trainer knows how to properly perform an imbalance/postural assessment and design a workout program to correct them.

So what’s keeping you from fixing your physical imbalances?

Reference: The National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM).

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT at www.HeatherCPT.com.  All Rights Reserved.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

Henry the VIII not only committed adultery he beheaded his wives. Gov. Mark Sanford engaged in an affair with his close friend. Ex-Senator John Edwards had an affair with a colleague. Ex-Gov. Elliot Spitzer had sex with a call girl, and the infamous President Clinton – who can forget Monica Lewinsky?! My friends husband had an affair with a family friend then married her. A sense of entitlement, the thrill of the chase, ego embellishing reasons? It’s safe to say all the above with many many more varying factors.

I do not condone this behavior! Hell, my ex-husband not only cheated he lived a double life and while I was pregnant. Was I besieged with the ut most deceit? Yes! But I also had to take a very deep look inside myself. What part did I have in my man straying? Love is an odd thing. There’s no rhyme or reason. Connections come and go. Sex can become banal. However, I do believe love is something a couple must work on for as long as it takes before it comes crashing down on them both. People grow; we change and we hope we’ll continue to evolve, together. Clearly, this is not the case. 50% of first marriages in America end in divorce according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 17. This boy was everything to me. My family took him in under their wings. My father gave him a job. He was treated as one of their own. He not only cheated on me but his actions were nothing less than spitting in my parent’s eyes. Men cheat. Women cheat and it starts at a young age in spite of the consequences. Cheating sucks and obviously causes insurmountable pain but it is not a disease (sex addiction is another issue). Yes people have the ability to change but come on, there’s no cure for infidelity.

I will not buy into the b.s. the media and publishers want to sell me. I will continue to have faith that when and if I a love finds me we will communicate and when our needs are no longer being met we will strive for positive change, together.

FYI  – 40% of women cheat, some research suggests. The incidence of female infidelity has more than doubled in the last 36 years. And Italy’s highest appeal court has ruled that married Italian women who commit adultery are entitled to lie about it to protect their honour.

Always,
Daniella

When Adam asked me to write some things for his blog, I had no idea what I might write on his major subject, and I didn’t know that I could write anything that might be of interest to others.

You, the readers of his blog, have made this old dude feel at home and for that I thank you. If you have found anything relevant, you make my day.
As you might imagine, (considering my age) I have a certain bond with your parents! Now, come on, it isn’t a dirty word. I have a question for you: Do you really know your parents? No matter what your answer is, I have a challenge for you.

I am certainly not the only one with a lifetime of interesting insights, So—

I want you to go to both your parents and ask them to write down some of the insights from their lives! Really! I don’t care if they say they can’t write or they were lousy in school. Plead with them, blackmail them, beg if you have to, but get them to write. I am willing to bet that you will be pleasantly surprised. You will see your parents in a new light and perhaps even begin to look on them as friends.

Adam’s Dad

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Other Recent Posts by Don Weston

• Divorce/Like the Delete Button
• I JUST GOT A DIVORCE - NOW WHAT?
• Thank you for calling me wise
• DIVORCE/Not Me, My Child’s
• Who's to blame for your divorce?
• Divorce Advice and Support from Don Weston
• What can you learn from a 63 year marriage? You decide!
• Adam's Dad | Advice from a 64 year marriage

Childhood living is easy to do
~ Rolling Stones

I vividly remember the day my dad sat on my bed and I was standing in front of him at 7 yrs old eye to eye with my hands on his face, “Daddy, will I always be your little girl?” While I am not the quintessential, “Daddy’s Girl”, I am still very much my daddy’s little girl. Nothing was more apparent than the hurt and anger and his innate sense to protect me upon hearing the news of my ex-husband’s extra marital affair. My dad is my every thing, my role model as a husband, and a father. Unfortunately, we’ve been at an impasse for sometime now due to my verbal custody arrangement (I have 100% legal and physical custody). My Dad has very strong opinions about my ex-husband and while I respect my him [dad] we do not agree on certain issues concerning my daughter, his granddaughter.

The morning after the last day of school, I took my daughter to her daddy’s; they were about to embark on their traditional Canadian holiday. Holding back tears, only to be strong for her, but with one last embrace and salty kisses from her face, “I don’t understand why you can’t come with us! It’s not easy being a kid! I know I’m a big girl now, but, will I always be your little girl?” I couldn’t help but to surrender and cry with her. As their car drove away it was all I could do not to run after it, even wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Tears of anguish, sadness, but joy too. I will never be apart of my little girl’s Canadian holidays or any other experience she’ll share with her daddy but – she has a daddy!! I stood there for what felt like an eternity while “No sweeping exists… could make me feel bitter” (Rolling Stones) ran though my mind. Thereafter, I found myself aimlessly driving winding up at the beach as Charlotte Martin’s arrangement of “Wild Horses” played on tirelessly.  I filled with joy knowing my little girl has a father who loves her, loves her deeply, who is there for her unconditionally and who will teach her the ways of the world through his eyes. Perhaps my daughter will grow to be grateful that she has the father she has…just like I do!

Dear Dad, It’s because of you that I am strong, self sufficient, a great parent, and that I have the ability to not only like men but to love them in spite of my past. You always have and continue to encourage and support me and more than anything you taught me to stand up for all that I believe. So while we don’t see eye to eye on my various divorce decisions trust that with all you’ve given me your granddaughter will grow to be strong, self sufficient, wise, compassionate and forgiving because she too has a daddy!

Happy father’s day Dad and to all the father’s who not only fathered their children but who are Daddy’s in every sense of the word!

Always,
Daniella

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Well, she said.. I saw them dancing tonight.. Closely and she wasn’t wearing her ring..

Our time apart grew and grew.. We argued.. I was a bum..working 12-15 hours a day in my career and a side job to make it happen…what a loser.
She told me we should separate..
Separation means.. Stay married legally and sleep with other people right?
I didn’t agree…
Two months past..
Thanksgiving came.. I couldn’t be with them because of work.. I called and called.. The whole family all weekend had a reason she nor my son could come to the phone..
Three days before Christmas they were finally coming home.. The house looked great.. Flowers and clean bathrooms.. I was trying hard and expected a great reunion..
Instead, the night before I came home to a message on the machine from a woman whose voice I had never heard before asking me to call her and if I knew where my wife was..
Strange and unnerving I dialed back.. She proceeded to ask me about a guy.. If I knew him.. “Yes, that’s her brothers boss”
Well, she said.. I saw them dancing tonight.. Closely and she wasn’t wearing her ring..
Who are you? I asked
I can’t tell you.. She says..
His wife?
Silence..
I still don’t know to this day..
I called the house.. Everyone started to lie.. She wouldn’t get on the phone til I had her nailed..
They came home the next day..
My life changed forever that day..
I asked her more about it..
They are “friends”
She needed support.. “Its been hard”
She spent about 2 hours on the phone directly in the middle of all this so I started to snoop..
Firstly the computer where I found emails.. Love letters to be exact..
Then credit cards.. Charges at Victoria Secret far away from where they were suppose to be Thanksgiving weekend..
Oh yes, the purse.. Where I found to plane tickets with her name and his on it Thanksgiving weekend..
Guess the family was wrong.. They weren’t at the mall when I called… Simple mistake.. Mall/outta town with lover.. Hmmm….same difference..
So I confronted her and she denied traveling. That weekend and actually cursed me for questioning her.. Typical..
I flopped the tickets down and asked ” Well then what are these?”
Silence and walk away..
We are friends.. F you!!!!!
Wow!!!
I wanted blood.. Him her anyone.. 2 hours at the driving range and an hour of batting cages and driving around with road rage kept me out of jail.. Whew!
I moved out shortly after..

I will continue the rest and where we are today..
My son is now 13 and doing amazing..  Two stories to how it has transpired..
I will leave with this for now though..
We were official in September and she was married to her “friend” the following Mothers day.. Yes, Mothers day.. Really??
I congratulated her on finding a best friend to marry.. That’s what it is about..
Kudos, they have been married a year longer than we were and have two young children..
Oh did I forget to mention that when she went home at first she was pregnant and had a miscarriage.. My fault..
The mystery lady on the phone knew about it by the way and suggested it wasn’t mine..
Makes sense.. We had only slept together once in about 10 months..

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This, the ultimate question, has been the source of social puzzlement as well as scientific research for decades now. Even advocates for the well being of children stand on opposites sides.

The controversial and notable New York Times columnist Ayelet Waldman discussed in length, as she angered many, many moms, how she loves her husband more than her children. Unfortunately her point was missed on most of them: Being a responsible adult, Waldman’s underlined, she kept her marriage separate from her role as a parent. Being responsible adults, I said to the young student, married or divorce, you want to keep children out and away from adult issues that don’t pertain to them, if marriage is included, divorce no doubt.

And oh yea, that is just the case out there…

Reality is such that the ability to keep children out of divorce is tougher than anyone anticipates, and the likelihood of children becoming active participants in their parents’ business turns into the norm. Just visit Family Court House on any day of the week; if you were from out of space reporting on this phenomena you’d most likely be certain that all humans either gone mad or became criminals.

Divorce brings out the worst in all of us, probably like nothing else. In this time of crisis, feelings of total loss of control, helplessness, and an enormous sense of failure all generate blinding anger, outmost revenge and masterminded manipulations in the most harmful way. And as our children are the most valuable commodity we have, fighting for what seems to be their well-being can quickly turn into fighting to prove who truly deserves them. From that point on, any pre-existing, typical, child-rearing conflicts between parents might become evidence of a crime scene:

• Lateness equals kidnapping.
• Traces of breakfast on a child’s face – neglect worthy of reporting.
• A bruised knee – goes immediately on attorney’s record as proof.

And don’t tell me I’m exaggerating. If you have been a divorcing parent, you know you felt that, tried it, been there, done that.  And if there was an AA circle for divorced adults we’d all have to stand there and declare, shamefully I must add: I’m a Divorcee! Meaning, derailed from any mainstreamed and sane conduct of behavior.

Here’s a funny story, ha-ha…
One particularly chaotic morning with my three children (you’ve been there for sure), I sent my oldest to school… no, wait, it gets worst: to his 5th grade graduation ceremony – khaki pants nicely pressed, I’m sure I bought him a new shirt, and glasses. Oops, his glasses… Pause! Are you getting that court scene? My ex’s attorney’s face glowing with victory, all we’re missing is a shirtless victory lap, my own attorney disgraced, frustrated, perhaps secretly wishing she was the one representing the winning side, and me, shaken with guilt and mostly fear. Oh, I almost forgot. What was it that I did? My crime? I taped my son’s glasses… gasp… which broke at precisely 7 am that morning… gasp… together… with duct tape… final gasp. Could you let me explain? Anyone? Your Honor? Ex? Lawyers? May I speak? I think he was wrestling with his brothers, you know, like boys will do, or perhaps he was trying a new trick on his skateboard…

Alas, in this train wreck in the making it was up to my attorney to be convincing enough. Better yet, to be more brutal. Therefore, able to avoid all allegations and find some counter blame. Like:Your Honor, did you know that her ex forgot to check the backpack and therefore her child missed his best friend’s recital? There you go, good defense!

Wait! Why am I on trial here? You mean to tell me that from this moment forward, each one of my, our, parental choices, our parental mistakes go on trial? Does it mean that starting now I don’t only strive to be a perfect parent, I actually have to be one, never, ever make another mistake: any mistake, or else…? But, wait again, and just out of curiosity, other parents making some mistakes, actually every day, what about them?
Oh, I see. That doesn’t matter because they’re not getting a divorce… ah ha… gasp… let me take this in… gasp… somebody, please, wake me up from this nightmare! I want to wake up… I want to wake up… wake up…

Oh, thank-god! I’m awake. It was just a nightmare…

Well, some of it: I was going through a divorce and it was a dark, dark time, it was my son’s 5th grade graduation and I did tape his glasses together because they broke that morning.

Lucky for my children, my ex and I kept sane through it all, at least sane enough to never drag any of our parental mistakes to the courthouse or ever mention any of them to any divorce attorney.

But sadly enough, this story in every possible variation, plays through so many divorces on the court’s floor, to the dismay of all children watching the show, hating the show, caught in the middle, simply trying to get through their own life, may it be the next play-date with their best friend, watching their favorite TV show while eating ice-cream, or attending their 5th grade graduation, glasses broken or not.

If we could only remember, chant and practice, all together now:
Divorce is for adults only!
Keep (it) out of reach of all children at all times!
(repeats verse as many times as needed).
Please…

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For a full bio on Siggie Cohen, please click here

Divorce Getaway is a new show that is meant to be transformational and life changing for
those who participate. Recent divorces who may benefit from a show where we help them move-on, rebuild their self-esteem, and rebuild their lives will be a good fit for this show. “Divorce is getting more and more common and we want the newly divorced to know that they are not alone”, explains Glassman Media. Divorce Getaway will help get your life back, get back to your old self, and help realize life does in fact go on. Glassman Media’s casting assistant Blair Baskin explains that they are  looking to cast recently separated or divorced singles ages 25-45 who will benefit from a few weeks of growth as well as the time of their life. They can plan on at the very least a 5 star resort (probably a much needed vacation), plenty of new opportunities still currently in development, and the chance to win a large cash prize!

Adam’s Wedding Dress has no monetary interest in providing this information, we simply believe that this is an interesting concept and would like to spread the word to our readers! Send a post card if you make it!

Now Seeking Recently Separated or Divorced Men and Women for a new primetime TV show

Los Angeles, CA.  4/22/09 – Casting is underway nationwide to find women and men for a primetime unscripted television series.

Producers from Glassman Media are seeking men and women between the ages of 25 and 45 who are recently separated or divorced and ready to re-build their lives.

This TV series will transform these individuals by helping them get rid of their pain, learn how to let go and rebuild their self-esteem.

All applicants should be ready for an adventure of a lifetime and be open to putting their troubles behind them.  This show will help guide these men and women to the surface again as well as address their anxieties and fears.  Anyone selected to be on the show will be in for FANTASTIC SURPRISES
and the chance to win a large CASH PRIZE!

To apply for the show or nominate someone you know email the following info to:

divorcegetaway4@gmail.com

1.    Name:
2.    Occupation:
3.    City where you live:
4.    Phone:
5.    How long separated or divorced:
6.    Short bio on downfall of the relationship:
7.    Include the reason your spouse would say it ended:
8.    Two Pictures

www.GlassmanMedia.com

Could I be that shallow to compare a relationship to a phone? I’m a Mac enthusiast and I’ve loved computers for as long as I can remember. I think my passion for computers and great hand-eye coordination comes with being apart of the first video game generation. My Dad worked in the electronics business; growing up we had every new electronic gadget imaginable. We also had a really cool pinball machine in our house and at the roller skating rink I was known as the “Pinball Wizard” I was only 10yrs old but I owned every high score at the rink. My brother and I sat for hours playing Pong on our Atari and I rocked the Mattel Electronics “Football” too (remember the cool sound effect and that Supertramp added it to their “The Logical Song”). I mastered Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man with ease then graduated to Centipede and Asteroids. The grand pubah, for me, was Galaga. And by the time I was 13 I owned the local arcade’s high core for that game too. Later came Donkey Kong and damn it I never did rescue the princess (hmm maybe there’s something deeper here).

I’ve been a Blackberry user for 4 years. But ever since the iPhone came out I sheepishly admit I had one foot out the door. Blackberry was so loyal and we were thick as thieves, it even became an appendage. But  then it happened! 2 weeks ago my USB port broke inside my Blackberry at the same time my Verizon contract was coming to an end. Aha, an honest excuse to break all ties. The iPhone (my pink elephant) and I are finally going to give it a shot, together. It’s smarter, sleeker and has many more sexy features. It was a no brainer!

I was in the MAC store (Gucci for me) admiring and coddling my new iPhone. I don’t use a gmail, Yahoo! or AOL mail; setting up my mail accounts proved difficult. And there was Carl, the MAC genius; all 250lbs of his patience but along with his beaded perspiring intellect dripping profusely on my new beauty I was already becoming agitated. Over an hour later I finally walked out of the store with my new love, my iPhone. Not long after I left the MAC store I called my brother with email application questions but realized I didn’t even know how to dial this damn thing! Even more interesting  was as that my iPhone and I were not hand in hand, (like my Blackberry and I were). The new phone was tucked away my purse. I didn’t rush home to play with it either. Instead I found myself making one more attempt to charge my Blackberry to no avail. I had the whole weekend to figure out every which way the iPhone could benefit me but that didn’t happen. First, I added a few applications for my daughter; second and most importantly I needed to sync the iPhone to  my computer to upload my contacts. Wholly shit what a fiasco that turned out to be!  Albeit complete user error, I accidentally deleted every one of my contacts in Entourage (my email application) and have had to manually input each contact back into my computer, fxxk! I was so over the hot mess!  So, I did the easy things, threw some music tracks on the iPod feature and added a few pictures of my daughter. Later, I met some people at my friend Laura’s house and as we took a few shots of Tequila, played a few hands of Gin Rummy we noticed Laura’s dog literally eating my shoes. The only shoe in the house that fit me was her 7yr old son’s Vans. Me and Vans not so much of a stretch, but me, slacks, a beautiful blouse, and an even more stunning coat suffice it to say Van’s wasn’t exactly the look I was going for. However, the they did make fun cocktail conversation at the bar and of course we just had to capture the hysterical moment on the iPhone to immediately upload it to Facebook.

Ok cool, with the iPhone I can capture a moment in seconds with decent pixelated quality to upload to the Internet. Awesome. But still, unlike the Blackberry’s LED feature, I have no idea when I receive an email, text or even a missed call. I can’t hear the damn iPhone and when I finally do hear the phone ring I slide my finger across the screen and bring the phone up to my ear, “Hello, hello?!” I realize there ain’t nobody there cause I either put the call on hold, mute or whatever and with my cheek! Come Monday on my way into work I cannot easily reply to the many emails I get before I even pull out of the garage because 1) I don’t receive emails as fast as I did with my Blackberry and 2) I have not managed to work my iPhone with one hand, yet. I then get to my office and create rules in Lotus Notes to send my work emails to my iPhone. Ok that was easy but I have 3 separate email accounts. Unlike the trustworthy ol Blackberry, iPhone only allows one signature for every account – how utterly annoying! It’s been 13 days and while I’m diligently trying to love the iPhone it too wants to prove  just how smart it’s operating system is – however – it is not too smart, to me! Every abbreviation I use is turned into a word that I do not want to use but because I’m so fast the email and/or text has already been sent and incorrectly!

In the end, I truly was in love w/my Blackberry and only had a modest attraction towards the iPhone. Home sweet home, my Blackberry welcomed me back with open arms, I did not however go back to my ex-boyfriend. Today, the iPhone 3Gs is out and while it still toys with me I know I’m happy where I’m at which is no longer sitting on the fence.

Always,
Daniella

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Some time ago, I had the experience of making a difference, one on one, in the life of another human being. It’s difficult now, to describe how it affected me, but it must have, because I have never forgotten it. It is said that one frequently comes away from an experience such as this with a feeling somewhat akin to euphoria. I don’t know about euphoria, but when I play the experience over in my mind, I do get chills.

I believe it necessary to relate some background information in order to give you a more complete picture. In our business travels to Arizona, my wife and I met many very nice people and there was one couple, who owned a store, with whom we became friendly. We spent one or two Thanksgivings with them, staying in their home and enjoying their company.

The lady, I’ll call her Mae, had been married two or three times before (I had never been able to figure out the exact number). The gentleman was either husband number four or five. They had not been married long and it was simple to figure out (from their conversation which came across like an article in Playboy), that they thoroughly enjoyed their marriage!

Mae had a 12 year old daughter from one of her previous marriages, and the small family traveled on vacations in their motor home. I could not, for the life of me, imagine what went on, while that child was in the next room in a motor home.

They turned up at our home one July evening, plugged their electrical in and we proceeded to our patio for snacks and something to drink. The young girl went into our den, which could be seen from the patio and sat down on a hassock. After awhile, I looked in the den and she was still sitting there staring off into space looking for all the world, like a lost puppy. I could not stand seeing the child like that, so I went into the den and asked if she would like something to drink. No thanks. I then asked her if she would like to watch TV. No thanks.

In those days I played the guitar a little (our dog was the only one that would stay in the room while I played), and my guitar was in its stand in the den. I asked if she would like me to teach her how to play a little song on the guitar. To my surprise, she said yes! I got my guitar, placed it on her lap and showed her how to hold the guitar and how to hold her fingers on the frets. To make a long story short, that little 12 year old was playing a little two or three chord song called, A peanut sat on a railroad track, in about one half hour, as if she had been playing guitar for six months. Had I been sitting down, I believe I would have fallen off the chair. I went back to the adults and made her mother promise that when they returned home, she would get her daughter a music teacher.

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Fast forward two years. We had the opportunity to see them again and the child was then 14. I asked her how her music was coming along and she told me that she was in the school band and was learning one or two additional instruments. (I don’t remember which.) After talking together for some time, I asked if she would like some ice cream (there was a place across the street) and as we crossed the street she took my hand. I have always felt that more was being said by that child taking my hand than would have been said by speaking.

We lost track of them after that, although we did hear that Mae’s mother had passed away and it seemed to me that Mae could have been waiting for just such a turn of events. Her mom owned some property called downtown Phoenix and Mae was an only child. Almost immediately (if you can believe local gossip), she closed her store, divorced #5, moved to Colorado and met #6. The last we heard, her daughter was enrolled in university in New Mexico and her major was…Music. As I write this I’m getting a bit emotional but that’s O.K. I get this way when I think back to when I was able to make a difference in someone’s life.

The moral of the story? Making a difference in someone’s life will usually make a difference in yours.

Adam’s Dad

Click here for full bio on Adam’s Dad

June 9th – I went to a notary to meet my ex-husband to secure my signature allowing him to take our daughter out of the country for their upcoming summer vacation. He opens his wallet to get his drivers license; a picture of me falls out. We both laugh (I was in shock and he, I think, a lil embarrassed). “I probably should have a pic of my girlfriend in my wallet, not you.”

June 10th – Back at the notary for our 2nd round of signatures, it’s the day that would have been our 10yr-wedding anniversary. “Wanna make another baby? That way you’ll have two like you always wanted and our daughter will have a sibling from the same Mom and Dad…my girlfriend won’t mind. By the way,  Happy 10yr anniversary.”

Wholly shxx – 10 years went by in a flash; the culmination of our love and loss and here we stand today, apart. Funny, the mere thought of  hugging him makes me uneasy let alone consummation! At one time I saw our unborn children in his eyes. This man  was my man and this man protected and cared for me, this man loved me, completely. It’s so bizarre that I don’t even like this man, anymore.

Love.  What is it, really? Does it truly exist between a man and woman in our generation? As I’ve said in the past, the only true love I’ve ever known is the love I have for my daughter. There is nothing deeper and what’s more is that I never question its truth.

In 10 years I will be 50, my child 17. I can’t even picture what our lives will look. If I’ve learned anything over the last 10 years it is the fact that G-d laughs at our plans! When my ex-husband and I split I knew for a fact that within the following two years I would be in a healthy relationship, maybe even married and with at least one more child. Ha! It’s already been 6 years and if you told me I’d be where I’m at, still single, and  raising my child alone I’d adamantly tell you, you were crazy. Looking back I had all the faith in the world that I’d be living the life I planned. Crazy.

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I’ve evolved. I continue to evolve and in doing so I no longer plan. I am grateful for what I have today but I have also resigned to the possibility that I may have been put on Earth to solely be a Mom.  At times this makes me awfully sad, other times I am still hopeful that maybe, just maybe, one day my crazy plan will align with G-d’s, too.

Happy Anniversary to my past, my present and me -  without any of it the creation of my beautiful girl and the love I’ve grown to know is worth every trial and tribulation I’ve ever experienced!

Always,
Daniella

Click here for a full bio of Daniella – Ask the Single Parent

Permit me to ask you a question: Do you know when you grew up? Was it when you got your drivers license? When you voted for the first time? When you could legally get your first alcoholic drink? When you graduated college? When you got married? The government told you when these things could happen. What do you think?

I am able to tell you exactly when I grew up. Believe it or not, I was married, had two children and was in my forties. Let me start at the beginning.

Adam’s mom and I will be married 64 years this year. As you might expect, there were many bumps along the way. However, we managed to get past them and it was never necessary to even think of divorce. We were partners and we were a team. As with any team (think Kobe Bryant here), there were disagreements. It was during one of these disagreements that I grew up.
We had been married about 20 years and we were in the middle of one of our disagreements. It was getting louder (on my part) and moving in a very bad direction. When the intensity almost reached shouting, Mrs. Weston asked, “Why are you shouting at me?” I thought about that for several seconds, and then I grew up.

My answer? BECAUSE I WAS WRONG!

I had acknowledged that I owned the problem. It did not diminish my stature in her eyes, exactly the opposite; I became more of a man and a husband. We kissed, made up and laughed about the whole thing.

When you have been married as long as we have, then you may be sure you are grown up. Until then, practice, practice, practice.

Click here for full bio on Adam’s Dad

If you are struggling to keep normal back curvature while sitting, use a lumbar roll or rolled-up towel behind the small of your back to maintain the natural back curve. Remember to change your position by standing, stretching or walking for a couple minutes every half hour so you are not in the same position too long. This causes muscle strain and back pain. Check yourself throughout the day and correct your posture. It’s tough to maintain at first, but soon enough you’ll find it becomes easier and hopefully habitual.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

I recently made a new male friend. Our friendship was born out of a shared interest in a specific business. We made a plan to meet and discuss, business. However, I‘m single, and I know he is too; of course there was that small underlying hope he could be a prospective “date”. The morning business meeting went well and later that night we had dinner. From word one
he was easy, the conversation was easy, and together we flowed, easily.

A few weeks later this friend (who I will refer to as Big Easy) and I made a plan to go to a party. Big Easy had a previous BBQ engagement, and to my surprise he invited me join him before hand. At the BBQ we went our separate ways. I ran into people I haven’t seen in over 20 years as well as some new folks. Almost all of them commented on my articles on AWD. It was exciting because I had no idea any of them even read my column. They gave me props, big props! It felt so gratifying personally and validated my “giving back” professionally. (I graciously accepted their compliments, but underneath is still that damn nagging chip. Six years post divorce and I still feel shame due to my failed marriage.)

After the BBQ, Big Easy and I ran home for a quick change of clothes and then onto our next outing. At this event I felt Big Easy’s mood shift. In the process of making plans to meet friends for drinks later in the evening, he whispered that he preferred to grab his dog and walk the beach. He also asked if I’d like to come along. Crap, I’m in my favorite Nannette Lepore coat and high heals. I needed another quick change but really; I am the go with the flow kind of girl. So, Big Easy, his cool dog, and I made our way to an outdoor mall in Santa Monica, Ca. We grabbed a late night snack and trekked down to the beach. We walked, talked long and far and shared comfortable silence as the waves crashed and his dog played about. Big Easy was reserved, there was a pensive calm about him. I was curious but knew better than to force my hand. As our walk grew darker, he explained where he’s at this time in his life. It was refreshing and honest. I fully respect the journey he’s embarking upon and I am honored that he shared this very private endeavor with me. Our night ended as easily as our friendship started.

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“Big Easy” isn’t just a synonym for my friend’s name it’s truly where I’m at in my life. I’m good; my daughter’s good; my ex-husband and I are good (for the time being ) my job is good and my friendships are even gooder. Never the less, I am a woman. My wiring is complicated but I’m learning how to manage it with aplomb. Yes, men and woman’s psyches are so very different, but if we take the time to not only hear one another but also to HEAR one another, respect one another and not try so damn hard to change one another we will probably appreciate that while sex and love aren’t always synonymous they truly can be the Big Easy!

Always,
Daniella

Have you read any of my previous posts?  You will find that many are inspired by music. Music plays such a role in my life, always has. I was driving home tonight and these lyrics rolled off my tongue as i listened to a song:

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

I remember the first time I heard that song. It was quite profound for me really. I did a music swap with one of my best friends. I gave him my music library, i got his…this was in the very beginning of iPods and iTunes. We (the wife and I) left on a vacation to Hawaii, I really don’t remember much about the planning or why we were going at this point…probably partial block I am sure. I do recall it was a trip to try and reconnect. In the end, we really did not reconnect at all….I think we started our divorce.

I was sitting at the edge of the most beautiful pool. I was pretty much alone there. It was an outdoor pool, but protected by the walls of spa area, kind of like a oval courtyard, with the pool in the middle. There were lights all the way around the courtyard walls, not bright white, rather amber in color as I recall. The men’s spa was to my left and the woman’s spa entrance to my right as I sat in a lazy lotus position at the edge of the pool. I was noticing the reflection of the amber lights in the perimeter of the pool as I messed around with my iPod mini. That thing was like a brick, how funny. Anyway, I just had a massage, it was early evening, the spa was probably closing and I sat there, pretty somber.

Before I left on the trip, I filled the iPod up with most of the music Randy gave me…there were all sorts of great tunz, some I had never bothered to listen to in the past. As I sat there, I recall just putting the iPod on random and chancing it. The first song that queued up was Warning Sign by Cold Play. I have never been so struck by a song, Chris was singing to ME. I never bothered to listen to Cold Play prior, just was never into them. But that song. I immediately played it again, then again. The rest of the trip I listened to every Cold Play song. I can still picture that moment in time, edge of pool, amber lights, lotus position, still pool, with glassy reflections….heart sinking…music playing.

We were at an impasse, total empathy for each other. As I look back, the trip was the beginning of the end that had started long before, yet I did not know it at the time. We were just so different. If I liked blue, she liked green. If I liked it soft, she liked it hard. If I wanted chicken, she wanted fish. If I wanted fish, she wanted chicken. We agreed on nothing. Our fights were based upon our differences. We drifted apart. I did my thing, she did hers. We passed in the hallways. I watched TV in the living room, she did in the bedroom. Even our schedules were in conflict, If I wanted to take a nap, laundry had to be done at that moment. In all fairness, I’m sure I bugged the hell out of her too and the situation was much the same from the opposite side. What a shame.

That was the warning sign. We were moving in different directions. The bubble did burst. What could have been done at this point to save a marriage? Can a marriage be saved when you ignore the warning signs and just keep drifting? I have no answer….do you? You can comment on our forum here.

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Adam’s Wedding Dress is your road map to success for your divorce recovery.  Take a look at some of the features of Adam’s Wedding Dress and benefit from the effort of our contributors and “your” community.

New Online Forum

We are very proud to announce our new community forum. We are currently filling it with many discussion topics. Now you can connect with others,  ask our contributing writers questions, discuss related topics, all with like minded individuals committed to, healing. Check out the forum here.

Regular articles

Our bread and butter, the regular article will remain the primary focus of the site as we encourage, inspire, and inform you with compelling stories, articles, and tips – plus, we’ll be expanding our contributors to encompass a whole host of contentious topics.

Therapeutic Writing

A great resource for those just starting with Adam’s Wedding Dress, is the ability to write your own story. This site is intended to be used as part of a well-rounded support network for people dealing with divorce.  We invite you to use this site to reach out to others, to heal.  Write your stories, and we will all comment and offer our words of support.  You have the chance to express whatever it is you want at any given moment.  Today, you may write a sad post.  Tomorrow, it may make us all chuckle. The point is, honor whatever it is you are going through, and lean on all of us for support.

Expanded Fitness Column

Heather Edwards, our fitness pro, will post a  regular fitness tip as well as continuing articles on heath and fitness. We plan on offering more frequent and interactive workout suggestions on a regular basis, so check back later.

Expanded Therapist Column

Dr. Marjan Madison, will be expanding her writing to a regular column. We will also have regular topics from a team of guest writers. We plan to offer more frequent and interactive self help ideas as well as explore “out of the box” thinking for your recovery, so check back later.

I think we’ve made a lot of changes for the better, and I hope you all share the same sentiment.

What’s the difference between a divorce, a legal separation, and an annulment?

A divorce (also called “dissolution of marriage” or “dissolution of domestic partnership”) ends your marriage or domestic partnership. After you get divorced, you will be single, and you can marry or become a domestic partner again.

If you get divorced, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, division of property, and other orders.

For married persons to get a divorce, you MUST meet California’s residency requirement. For information about residency for domestic partners, click here.

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You asked and we listened, we created a new forum section on Adam’s Wedding Dress for open community discussions. Of course, the forum is in its infancy, but please stop by and start a thread! click here

A legal separation does not end a marriage or domestic partnership. You can’t marry or enter into a partnership with someone else if you are legally separated (and not divorced). A legal separation is for couples that do not want to get divorced but want to live apart and decide on money, property, and parenting issues. Couples sometimes prefer separation for religious reasons.

You do not need to meet California’s residency requirement to file for a legal separation. If you file for a legal separation, you may later be able to file an amended petition to ask the court for a divorce-after you meet the residency requirements.

In a legal separation case, you can ask the judge for orders like child support, spousal support, partner support, custody and visitation, domestic violence restraining orders, or any other orders you can get with a divorce case.

An annulment (or “nullity of marriage” or “nullity of domestic partnership”) is when a court says your marriage or domestic partnership is NOT legally valid. A marriage or domestic partnership that is incestuous or bigamous is never valid. Other marriages and partnerships can be declared “void” because:

• of force, fraud, or physical or mental incapacity;
• one of the spouses or partners was too young to legally marry or enter into a domestic partnership; or
• one of the spouses or partners was already married or in a registered domestic partnership.

Annulments are very rare. If you ask to have your marriage or domestic partnership annulled, you will have to go to hearing with a judge.

Note: If you have children in common with the other party, you must ask the court to establish the parentage of that person. Check with a lawyer about how to do this. Click here for help finding a lawyer. The family law facilitator may also be able to give you some information.

I never feared pregnancy, the delivery or being a mom. My trepidation was solely about relating to a little girl. I was never a girly girl. I didn’t play with dolls, I didn’t like to wear dresses and even as I got older I much preferred to talk and play with boys. I was definitely a tomboy and I was good at it. I was no chatty Cathy, I loved sports and I would climb trees and skateboard over playing dress up etc. As my baby girl grew inside me it gave me time to accept my fate as well as prepare for the pink vs. blue impending arrival. In August 2002 my life changed for the better! Incredibly, because of her birth I gained a great appreciation for most things girl. And even through my darkest divorce days my baby girl brought the most brilliant colors to my life; it’s amazing what color does to one’s soul.

My Dad is a great man. Sure he has his flaws but he is the one man who continually stands by me and he’s never wavered. He is the one man I still feel the closest to and there isn’t a subject I can’t broach. After 45 years of marriage he is still a great role model as a husband. I do however have vivid memories of my Dad telling me to stop crying and always being asked to put on lipstick, to dress more femininely, to slow down so I didn’t get to the door before a man had the opportunity to open it for me. Despite being naturally rebellious, I wonder if some of those things shaped my perception of being female i.e. were women who cry perceived to be weak, are women only attractive when they put on makeup and a dress etc?

By the time my daughter arrived I learned to cry without feeling weak, I felt empowered wearing dresses, and it didn’t hurt that I knew I carried great sex appeal. But today I live for the hours my daughter and I dance around the house singing girly songs; watching her play dress up (she loves my high heals); teaching her how to do her hair and to put on lip-gloss (only). I even suggested she take ballet and she did but later she became more attracted to soccer. She’s close to being 7yrs old and this year she’s been more emotional than year’s prior. As history repeats I often find myself wanting to tell her to stop crying but then I’m reminded how my Dad made me feel. So, I try to give her, her freedom to express herself in her way, to which I presume is perhaps the girly way. While she too is very coordinated and most sports come easily to her she is very feminine and she teaches me just how much fun it is to be a girl! To me, she appears to be a perfect blend of femininity and masculinity. She is my hero on so many levels.

Our home consists of two very strong-willed, independent, and emotional girls. Okay, how can I do her justice when still at 40 I have a hard time comprehending my own emotions, mood swings and men?!

My daughter loves to play with boys (kickball, running, etc) and to my surprise has already experienced a little heartache. I wonder if I’ll ever get it through my head thoroughly enough to teach her that men and women do not play on a leveled field, they take their plays from different hand books; that men for the most part are simple and they like things to be easy. It is women who complicate things. Why? Because we can’t help it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are simply wired differently but there’s nothing simple about our wiring!

As my daughter matures (and me too) I hope more than anything to teach her that whether she is incredibly feminine or uniquely masculine the only article of value she should wear is self-respect!

Always,
Daniella

The question always comes to mind of how to make one’s body more efficient at burning calories. Many people think eating less helps lose weight, and if done right, it can. But the way most people “eat less” actually makes people gain weight instead of losing it. In other words, calorie restriction slows down our metabolism making us less efficient at burning calories.

Let’s start by understanding metabolism. Metabolism is the rate at which one’s body burns calories. Then, the rate of one’s metabolism depends on the relationship of calorie consumption, calorie burn during food intake and exercise, and genetic calorie burn. We can’t do much about our genetics, but we can affect how our body burns calories during food intake and exercise.

By extending the time between meals, we make our bodies go into a “starvation mode.” This decreases our metabolism to conserve energy and prevent starvation. When our bodies go through long periods of time without receiving nutrition, it feels as though it’s getting starved and then holds-on to the calories consumed in the next meal. In essence, consuming only 1 to 3 meals a day causes one’s metabolism to slow down. To prevent this, we should eat every 3½ to 4 hours, which keeps our metabolism working at a higher rate throughout the day.

In addition, by eating more frequently our bodies stabilize our glucose and insulin levels causing us to control hunger more easily. Our bodies will burn calories at a higher rate and we will also feel more energetic as our body gets its energy from our food intake. In addition, we need to drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water each day. Not drinking enough water causes our bodies to “store” rather than to “burn.” So ultimately, the key is to consume enough calories and water evenly throughout the day to keep up the metabolism levels in our bodies to burn fat more efficiently.

Note: It’s always smart to consult a physician and/or registered dietitian or nutritionist to help direct our daily caloric needs.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

We meandered in the hood until a small group of us made our way out of dodge! We found ourselves at a dive bar walking distance from my house that I never knew it existed (happy I do now)! I was the youngest of the group by 6 years but the one very obvious common thread was divorce, some with children some without and a few on their way to the big ugly. It was one of those unexpected fabulous evenings to which brought more belly laughs than most of us had experienced in years! We ribbed one another about our divorces; ex-spouses; our age; dating; new relationships; de-funked relationships; and of course our sexcapades and lack there of for some. We found, once again, that women speak dirtier than men. And once again we were reminded that those women who are comfortable speaking of sex are quite comfortable w/their sexuality, good for us!

In the hours that ensued we laughed through our tears and laughed so hard it brought us to tears. Strangers, most of us and yet as ugly, sad, painful, and expensive etc as divorce is no matter one’s age it’s truly a fascinating relate-able platform for comedy! (There is so much truth in humor)! The fact is that we all had an awesome time feeling that great sense of universal understanding through laughter with intelligent, artistic, and fun loving people who are in pain but ultimately we are all part of the same cloth and the laughter carries us through the rough spots. As we said our slushy goodbyes it was all we could do from racing back to our lives and none too soon before we had to relieve the babysitters…

Here’s to Pineapple Hill where the drinks are weak but the weak are strong!

Always,
Daniella

Is this you?  You workout regularly and don’t see the changes you want to see in your body.  You exercise harder and harder, yet your body looks the same.  Why is that?  Most likely your body is burning carbohydrates for fuel rather than fat.

You need to achieve the right balance of physical fitness training and recovery so your body can transform.  It’s important to have an adequate amount of base training to train your body to burn fat as a fuel first.  This way you can workout smarter, not harder.

One of the best ways to gauge this is to determine your target heart rate training zone and workout with a heart rate monitor so you can stay in that zone.  If you train too intensely, too often, your metabolism will be dependent on carbohydrates rather than fats for fuel.  Training in this target heart rate zone ensures that your body burns more calories all day long!

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

As we enjoy our children this Mother’s Day and see their Father in their eyes, smile wide from the inside and silently say thank you for without them our deepest blessing’s would’ve never breathed life.

Happy Mothers day to you all!

A special shoutout to my Mom – without you I wouldn’t be 1/10th of the woman and Mom I am today! Your Granddaughter is the luckiest girl in the world only next to me! I LOVE YOU MOMMY!

Always,
Daniella

If you haven’t yet noticed, I continue to search for meaning, in most things. But, today was different. I left the assembly on a high and this one line, “Something in The Way She Moves” played on a continuous loop in my mind, seriously, all day.  I walked and talked effortlessly beaming with genuine delight. (I think I might’ve even skipped to the beat. Ok, not really.)

I love music, can’t live without it! I have an eclectic taste; in fact if it moves me I like it. I Googled the line knowing full well it’s   from a Beatle’s tune then I came across a song I was not familiar with by James Taylor. It is every word the way my little girl moves me.

Something in The Way She Moves

There’s something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And if I’m feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

And I feel fine anytime she’s around me now,
She’s around me now
Just about all the time
And if I’m well you can tell she’s been with me now,
She’s been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know.

~~~

The love I share with my babe is the deepest love I’ve ever known.  What’s more is that I know for certain those defining moment’s will never ever end!

Always,
Daniella

Yes, I am divorced and have faced many challenges over the past years. I’ve often been asked if I would re-marry. Although it is very difficult to ponder marriage so soon after divorce, I still have obligations to my past marriage among other fears and concerns, I always knew in my heart that I will have a wife, sometime in the future that is, YES, I will have a wife, YES. (I just rented Yes Man)

I never thought I would remarry so soon!

What am I talking about, remarry? Well, that is a bit misleading. One of my very close friends bestowed upon me one of the greatest honors this past Saturday, the honor of presiding over his wedding. A few years ago I introduced he and his girlfriend. They came to me a month ago and asked if I would marry them. Wow! Me? The divorced guy with the divorce website!

Last night was enlightening. Over the past few years, my focus has been to offer help to others getting over and through their divorce. In doing that, I lost the focus on what it means to be married. Rather then look though the eyes of a divorcee, considering that any new relationship is destined to fail, I looked though the eyes of a man that is open to all possibilities. This is a new beginning that I will work on more! Lord only knows how I was put in the position to marry Ernie and Molly, but it opened my eyes to the endless opportunities that life has to offer. I forgot about my failed marriage and had a very warm feeling in my heart for a successful marriage.

The MC asked Ernie and Molly to stand as the newest married couple, he then asked all other married couples to stand, one by one he eliminated them leaving the longest married couple standing, ironically, that couple was my parents. Adam’s Dad and Mom….

Mom and Dad, 63 years and dancing

So if you ever wondered if you will ever recover from your divorce, consider that the universe works in the strangest ways, teaching us as we walk the path of our lives. Always be open to the possibilities!

What a night! Below you will find the cheat notes from my service…enjoy and consider the possibilities!

Ernie and Molly’s Wedding – Adam’s Cheat Sheet!

Molly’s Dad walks her down the aisle:

The marriage of Ernie and Molly is more then just the union of two people in love. It’s also the joining of two families, of two sets of friends and of two patterns of life. Who stands with this woman in support of the blessing of this marriage?
Dad says: Her Mother and I do.

I Start the Ceremony:

Welcome, I’d like to start our ceremony with several love quotes. I hope you are as inspired with them as i have been.

Funny thing is I took these off a post I did here on Adam’s Wedding Dress

• You can give without loving, but, you cannot love without giving
• To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven
• Love is not finding someone to live with, it’s finding someone you can’t live without
• Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality
• Love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less
• Love can happen anywhere, at any time, and almost always when we least expect it
• I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you
• I love her and that’s the beginning of everything.
• There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
• The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.
• Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side
• Love is not a matter of what happens in life. It’s a matter of what’s happening in your heart
• Where there is great love, there are always miracles
• Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what’s inside
  We cannot choose who we love, only whose love we accept
• You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
• Love doesn’t make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
• A simple I love you means more than money
• The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
• Love sees roses without thorns.
• To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
• Love is patient; love is kind; it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
• And Finally: To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything

Now for my monologue about how Ernie and Molly met, start with: For the past 2 weeks I have pondered the honor….and wing the rest for 4 minutes! Don’t blow it Adam

Now I will have Ernie and Molly Share their wedding vows

Molly’s Vows…
Ernie’s Vows….

Now the I-do’s
Do you Ernie, Welcome Molly as your wife, offering her your love and encouragement, your trust and respect, as together you create your future?
I do
Do you, Molly, Welcome Ernie as your husband, offering him your love and encouragement, your trust and respect, as together you create your future?
I do

May I have the Rings please

Ernie Please Take This Ring
Ernie, As you place the ring on Molly’s finger, Please repeat after me:
I give you this Ring as a reminder
that I will love, honor, and cherish you,
In all times, In all places
And in all ways, forever

Molly Please Take This Ring
Molly, As you place the ring on Ernie’s finger, Please repeat after me:
I give you this Ring as a reminder
that I will love, honor, and cherish you,
In all times, In all places
And in all ways, forever

And now, to all the friends and family who have come to celebrate this marriage, I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride!

Round 1: My daughter cries uncontrollably before her Daddy comes to pick her up. She clings to my leg pleading with me to let her stay home when he arrives. At bedtime she calls begging me to pick her up (yes, there are many reasons why she is having an adverse reaction living with her Daddy but nothing is black and white and sometimes a definite resolve just doesn’t exist).

Round 2: For the first time my ex-husband and I agreed to talk to someone together, to help our daughter. This was huge; we never experienced this kind of gathering! Admittedly, I was prepared for a lightweight match; in no way was I suited with armor. And while he sat composed almost weightless he effortlessly incited war with an unexpected combination; a left jab, followed by a straight right, followed by a left hook! In that instance, I was more than compelled; I felt highly entitled to exploit the opening in my opponent’s position. And with great intensity my counterattack connected, too! He refused to look at me. His eyes welled up but his tears never surfaced. In that precise moment I stood the fraudulent champ; I had no business getting in the ring with an opponent who had already beat himself.

Round 3: A superfluous situation stands before me, brought on unintentionally by struggling friends. It was Saturday night; I was on my way out when my daughter called again sobbing (there’s nothing worse than knowing you can’t be there physically when your children are hurting. However, I cannot, I will not pick her up to bring her back to our home. I think she’s too young to choose which home she will reside full time. I also have confidence in my ex-husband’s ability to Daddy her). Ok, even at 6 1?2, it was time for tough love. So, sternly but lovingly I said, “Baby you have the ability to make choices. You can choose to continue to cry and remain sad or you can choose to enjoy your time at Daddy’s and be happy. It’s your choice! I love you, sweet dreams and I’ll see you there!” I then quickly hung the phone up. It was 8pm; I was in route to meet my Saturday night plan. And in an effort to shake the Mommy blues from my blouse (to appear more womanly) with wind in my hair, shifting and drifting, mechanical music and an adrenalin surge as my iPod roared thunderously inevitably reminding me of my struggling friend, our enlightening, joyful, yet turbulent ride together, and yet so very separate. “Cut the crap!” I said to myself immediately changing the play-list. I forged ahead, my freedom prevailed and I engaged in leaving Las Vegas fun! To my surprise I also received a text from my ex-husband, “Thank you, whatever you said made a huge difference, we are having a great night!”

As my evening drew to a close it was all I could do not to think of my baby girl as I gazed past her empty room: My little beauty, even with all my experience I still face many challenges. I too live with many unanswered questions and yes-even Mommy doesn’t always get what she wants! I can’t promise to fix everything but I do promise to always be here, to take care, to listen, to hear you, and continue to find productive ways to help us both make better choices. My love, Mommy is your Champion and that you need not ever question just as it needs no defending!

Always,
Daniella

I think I’m pretty much a modern woman yet I hold traditions close. Many of my friends hyphenated their names or didn’t take their husband’s name at all. I was overjoyed to share my husband’s name and I was looking forward to honoring him by accepting it. Wow, marriage  -  the next chapter of my life , exhilarating! But it wasn’t until I stood at the Social Security office that the overwhelming feeling of discomfort came fast and hard; was I losing my identity? What’s in a name? For 30 straight years my name, in part, defined me. I liked my name, it was a part of me and part of me was my name. To this day a handful of close friends refer to me with the nickname they’d given me in our younger years due to my last name. Furthermore, my Dad and I share the same nickname.

My married name is cute, common but cute. However, in no way is it me, anymore! Was it ever? My ex-husband and I split before our daughter was a year old; I knew then I would never change my name because I shared it with her, I knew then I would do everything in my power to make living a divorced life a bit less confusing for her. I knew, even then, everything I would do for the rest of my life would be in the best interest of my daughter even if it were at my expense… 5 years post divorce I want nothing more than to legally regain my G-d given name, for me!

Petitioner; respondent; retainer; lawyers; mediation; no fault divorce; dissolution of marriage; dissomaster; joint property; equitable distribution; alimony; broken home; single parent; single full time working mother/father; divorced family; children of divorce; child support; custodial parent; visitation; physical custody; legal custody; revised will, my night, your night, and they all amount to the ultimate ugly: Marital Termination. Words I never associated with until I was 34 and some of those words  have become the norm in my young child’s vocabulary. I really, really hate “divorce”.  I really loathe my married last name. And a pain worst than death are the tears my daughter sheds but cannot process and it’s all due to the demise of my marriage and the birth of our divorce.

(Writing has been difficult over the last few weeks. It’s as if something tangible is blocking my heart, my voice, and me. I know many of you are enduring or have endured a far worse divorce than mine and while I firmly believe that pain is pain (no one’s pain hurts less than another’s), I don’t judge your pain so I can’t quite put my finger on why I judge and/or discount my own. And hence my block, perhaps, isn’t tangible at all but audible; simply listening to the sound of my voice, lately, is deafening!)

For the first time my daughter read the 5 questions at our Seder tonight. And as she read the last sentence she reached for my hand (quite a steppingstone for my little beauty, quite a bittersweet moment for me). But, I was reminded, once again that the mere touch of her hand gives me more pleasure than divorce could ever take away. As we celebrate Passover and Easter may we remind ourselves that we are no one’s slave, not even our own. We must implore one another to resurrect our own happiness for it is truly there for our taking!

Always
Daniella (insert maiden name here…12 years and counting)!

Can anybody fly this thing?
Before my head explodes.
Or my head starts to ring.

I run. I’m running, listening to music that has moved my life. I cry. I really do, I’m running and crying.

But everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

I’m flying too fast, too too fast I fly, trying to keep up, I’m not even looking out the window, I’m not stopping to breath and smell the flowers…what good is it to fly so fast if you can’t smell the flowers, something is very wrong. My feet chug my body up an amazing trail, the weeds are growing, but they are low, there are a few foot prints of the warrior that preceded me on this run. There are flowers, I’m just trying to get to the top with as little pain as possible, I have a long way to go, no time to stop and smell the beautiful wild flowers…i know they are there, I see them in my peripheral vision. They are there, I can’t stop, make it to the top

Check my beat dig they rhythm
Me belly full but me hungry so I fill it
Once I start gaining taxes start taking
Cause the governments perfected funk faking
Breaking me down striking me down
What goes around comes around but
I keep rising seeing through the lies and
The surprise comes when I see myself
The music I felt
Im on

This aint living
This aint living
Oh no

Why do I put so much pressure on myself to please others, why does it seem that I am always caring about everyone else, doing the right thing, what about me?

Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that lies

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness

Be here now, here now

I’m still now, made it to the top of the hill, still, sitting looking over the world before me, crying more, crying harder. Is this where I am suppose to be right now? Did I notice how beautiful everything was on the way up? It is not the fact that I am here now, it was the journey…shit, did I miss the journey up here? No, wait, noticed some stuff….or did I?

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It’s no cause for concern

Time is on my side, I CAN choose what to do next. I’m calm, the emotion of the music moves me more. Slow the F*** down Adam.

Sometimes when I feel so boxed in
I wanna go and take a ride
Grabbed the keys and my cigarettes
And disappeared into the night

Two choices right now, be around a bunch of friends, or just be by myself, sometimes I like to be by myself….me too!

Sweet memories Flashing very quickly by
Reminding me Giving me a reason why
I know that My goal is more than a thought
I’ll be there When I teach what I’ve been taught
AND I’VE BEEN TAUGHT.

I won’t be satisfied with the changes that have happened to me over the past 3 years until I get to do what I am here for, it cannot possibly be to work my ass off like i have been, to financially take care of everybody, no it can’t. I want to learn and I want to teach. I’m doing little of either now, I am on a treadmill, stuck, paying my debt to my marriage, my employees, my friends, and me.. for my perception of what is important.

I’ve been so long in waiting
Putting my life on hold for this
Chance to live out my dreams
You think you know what I should
Do with the choices I now have
Make them benefit you
What if I don’t wanna hear the things you say
Where were you when I was needy yesterday
You want in with me, now that it’s good
But it’s too little, too late

Yes, I’m on my own, everyone needs a piece, when it is good, will I get my piece? How to get off this treadmill? How?

Aquí estoy pensando que no tengo mucho que ofrecer
Pero yo sé que lograré salirme de esto porque ya es tiempo

Pero dime dime dime dime cuanto
Pero dime dime dime dime cuando

Llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré
Sí, llegará llegaré, llegará llegaré

When, tell me when I will have the strength to make my next change? Will I? Yes I will, Yes I will.

Recovery…. Now I write, and I feel more at peace, you can too!

Water Consumption!

You’ve heard over and over again that you need to drink water every day. Most commonly eight glasses of water a day is recommended, but how do you really know if you are drinking enough water since everyone’s body is different?

Water is your body’s principal chemical component, on average making up 60% of your body weight. Lack of water can lead to dehydration, a condition that occurs when you don’t have enough water in your body to carry out normal functions. Even mild dehydration can drain your energy and make you tired.

As humans, we can survive for several weeks without food, but for only a few days without water. A constant supply is needed to replenish the fluids lost through normal physiological activities, such as respiration, perspiration and urination. One of the easiest ways to determine your fluid intake is by producing colorless or slightly yellow urine each day. This insinuates that your fluid intake is adequate.

You should also drink enough fluid so that you rarely feel thirsty. Water is essential for recovery and your body needs to flush toxins & waste. When you exercise, you need to consume extra water to compensate for the fluid loss. Then, the amount of additional fluid you need depends on how much you sweat during exercise, the duration of your exercise, and the type of activity you’re engaged in. So, urinate often and pay attention to its color.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

By mid-to-late July, and around her birthday, she became increasingly more communicative, calling and asking me for special favors and wanting to “talk about things”. She wanted to come see the kids, as it was her birthday. I was very leery of this and didn’t want to be around but she manipulated the situation to make it so she was at our house much of the day and went so far as to kiss me before she left that evening. We had a court date the next day in our divorce proceedings, and she actually started making some headway in her case. The order I had keeping her boyfriend away from my kids (although I had reported on SEVERAL occasions she was breaking this order, NOTHING was ever done) as he had some “issues” that were uncovered in his own divorce I was aware of. She was now claiming that he was abusive and she was afraid for her life. He was, in fact outside in her car right then because she couldn’t leave the house without him there. Long, long story shortened; I allowed her to come back into the house that weekend and I left as this was both confusing for the kids and she still had this bogus order of protection against me. I wanted her to be safe, not to mention, of course, my children. When she realized I was NOT going to be taking her back, that weekend, she ended up going back with him and recanting everything she said, saying that my attorney and I had acted in concert with her own attorney to coerce a false statement from her. Her lawyer obviously had enough after this episode and requested (just short of pleading) to be excused from the case. After many delays and her dragging her feet, the judge finally told her that we were going ahead with the custody hearing whether she had an attorney or not. To avoid a trial she offered 50/50 custody with shared residency with some veiled threats to make me accept this. My attorney’s advice was to take it. I did, reluctantly and only with certain provisions, including continuing an order keeping her from leaving my kids alone with her boyfriend and not allowing him to consume alcohol in the presence of my kids.

Obviously living with someone makes it rather difficult to live by this agreement (and other less stringent rules she violated with regularity) so my lawyer said we would go back for full custody when she started violating and I would be awarded custody. Time went by… I ended up paying child support while keeping the house and stability for my kids to have the only home they ever knew and the judge ordered they stay in my school district at least. She had to drive them in every day on her weeks. They missed A LOT of school when they were with her. I paid for all of their doctor’s bills, insurance, extensive dentist bills. I was determined to make sure they didn’t miss out on a single opportunity or activity they wouldn’t have otherwise in a ‘normal’ family setting. I didn’t want them to suffer for the bad decisions of a mother they had no hand in selecting. She didn’t work, and desperately held onto the facade of a “stay at home” mom while her boyfriend supported her and deserted his own kids and family to the tune of thousands of dollars in back support and lost time. She continued to violate the court orders, even went so far as to admit it to me… I asked my lawyer when we could go back to fight. He kept telling me “it isn’t enough”. Our eldest son would wind up in the emergency room with stomach problems due to stress of her doing the most screwed up things (like having the kids make her boyfriend father’s day cards and have me bring them back to her house early on that day to celebrate it with her boyfriend). I finally stopped hanging onto the fight. I gave up. I stopped bringing the kids to their therapist because she couldn’t break through the wall of silence they had developed. (As it turned out, and it wasn’t surprising, she was “coaching” them not to say anything about their time at her house) (I dislike the word “coaching” by the way; it makes a villainous activity sound almost Disney-like). I just dealt with this insane ping-pong game of one week on, one week off and it became our “normal” for a while: until right before this past Christmas.

On December 20th, my youngest son made a startling statement that will prove to be one of the most profound, life changing moments of my life (the extent of which I am sure I still have yet to comprehend). The rest of my story is still pending litigation, and in fact, is still so tentative I am not at liberty to go into details at this time. Suffice it to say, we have delved into a new level of hell that I don’t think Dante himself dared to contemplate. I am still, even with a judge, a children’s law guardian, a specialized abuse counselor and a myriad of supporters behind me, experiencing the discouraging lack of support and outright disdain a father receives when he is simply trying to keep his kids safe from an abusive situation; Especially one that involves their own mother and her bad choices.

It’s Saturday 630am. I had a wonderful night’s sleep coming off a very proud evening watching my daughter perform in her first school musical. I was so looking forward to sharing this beautiful spring day with her and volunteering back stage at this evening’s performance. “630am, on a Saturday?” you ask. Yes, woken up by the sound of an email notification coming from my mobile and from my ex-husband. He wrote me a scathing email simply because I let him know that I would be volunteering backstage tonight due to the shortage of volunteers (over the last two weeks any free time I found was spent painting the sets and building the props – anything I could do to help get the musical up). The parent volunteers were given VIP seating and I gave up mine for my ex-husband and his girlfriend – my seats)!

His email starts – “Saturday night is my f****** night and you shouldn’t have accepted the f****** invitation from the f******* Director to help the kids tonight just because they’re short f****** handed! Let me have my f******* night with my daughter!” Is he kidding? As if I do anything to spite him? As if everything I do for our child is to spite him? Should I remind him that if he didn’t leave his wife and newborn child our daughter wouldn’t be from a broken home and she would not cry herself to sleep (recently) because she doesn’t want to live at her Daddy’s, at all; that every night would have been his night and I would never miss one of our daughter’s events, not one? Should I remind him that we wouldn’t have to share our daughter and especially not with another woman?! His email riddled with profanity, character assassination, and for what? Does it ever occur to him that although I walk with my head held high and always greet him and his girlfriend with kindness I still feel the sting from their callous slap in the face? Does it ever occur to him that it’s not comfortable for me to attend school events as a single parent whose ex-husband attends with his girlfriend? And for what? For our daughter – that’s what!

I am happier than I’ve ever been since my divorce. I’m blessed with my amazing daughter; I have a handful of solid friendships that I consider family, “fr-amily”; I enjoy my job; I’m very active; I‘m fun; I have fun; I date, and even after experiencing the ultimate betrayal and rejection during my pregnancy I still have the capacity to love and be loved. I have grown, I continue to evolve, and I am very comfortable in my skin. Our divorce robbed me of the family I believed I would have forever; it did not rob me of me!

I feel fortunate that I never pined for my ex-husband during or after our divorce. I never wanted him back (not for me but of course for our daughter). Nevertheless, no one is able to hurt and make me feel so small and ugly as does my ex-husband. His continued emotional abuse is taxing! And while it doesn’t affect me the way it did in years past, the negative effect ensues. I want answers, damn it! I need answers! Whether you’ve cheated or have been cheated can you give me any incite as to why? Why, after 5 years, does he carry so much anger and animosity? Why does he hate me with such vengeance?

After receiving a few more hateful emails I resigned to the fact that this is one battle not worth fighting. I will not attend the musical tonight

Rock on my baby girl, Mommy’s in your pocket!

Always,
Daniella

If you read the story of Adam’s Wedding Dress, you would know that the week my ex moved out of the house, I hit the road and visited a buddy in Vancouver. The first few nights were a drunk fest while venting to by bro. He is an amazing listener and was a great help. I think the fact that he was divorced made it  easy to identify with my situation. I mean to say, knowing he had “been there too” made it easy for me to identify with my own situation…really helped talking it out, knowing he had been there too.

“B” as we’ll call him is an actor, good looking and an outgoing guy. Out at the bars in a new city with B was just what I needed. We met so many great people and I forgot about the challenge that lay ahead of me, waiting back in Los Angeles. Turns out I went on 2 dates while I was in Vancouver. 2 Dates? Your ex just moved out of the house, what do you mean “dates”? The dates were really not dates for love or to start a relationship, they were more affirmation that I was still alive with a heartbeat. Nothing happened on these dates more then creating a friendship. I was not ready for anything more at that time. Turns out, that I remain friends to this day with both dates!

When is the right time to date after a divorce?

Do you just jump right back in or follow the rules and wait a year? Are there differences for men and woman? I personally never abide by any rules, rules in the common sense of the term. For matters of my personal life I follow my gut. Rules are made by others. (let’s not go overboard here, I am not referring to rules such as stopping at a traffic light)  Your heart is really all you need. Granted, when I started really dating, I was not ready for a serious relationship, I wanted something light and easy. Looking back, I was very honest with those I was dating, I was clear that I wanted to have the better part of a relationship…the fun and not the hassle. How impossible is that! Regardless, every new date was a new experience and a new opportunity to learn.

This bring me to actually dating. What should you know on a date? I’m a very social person, I never really felt out of practice, but what if you do? What should you expect in someone else? Nerves can take over, you may feel like a school kid once again, but hey, that is the fun part. Did you ever say if I knew then what I know now? Well guess what, you now have the chance! Rejoice in your new freedom! Learn from everyone. Weed out the tools and losers.

Here is a cool list that I found on ivillage.com. The list is kind of sound and practical knowledge, as well as good advice to consider. Not only are these things that YOU should observe, but they are things your date should observe too. Trust me when I tell you this, there are more people out there that are uncompilable with you then there are those that are compatible. Take it light and enjoy the ride! The loser dates are fun to talk about with your friends!

10 Commandments of Post-Divorce Dating

You’ve made the plans, and now it’s time to get down to business. The date portion is one of the most savory dishes on life’s expansive menu so prepare to sample your fair share. You probably don’t want to hear any lectures about the dating do’s and don’ts, so we’ll just skip the do’s and get straight to the don’ts. Just as Moses handed down a set of laws, or commandments, if you will, for us mortals to follow, so shall we bring forth the laws of dating. Should you break a commandment or fail to follow the formula for perfect dates coming up in the next section, you should prepare to endure all the torments of dating hell. That said, let’s get on with the show.

#1: Thou Shalt Not Ignore Thy Date Paying close attention to your date’s every move is not up for discussion. There are some people who feel like they have to leer at every attractive person that walks through the door. Most dates would get offended by this sort of behavior, taking it as a personal insult. So unless you’re intent on hurting your companion’s feelings, keep your eyes and ears directed at your date at all times. If you made your date feel like they’re the only person in the room, you’ll have gone a long way toward living up to your role as the perfect date.

If you happen to take your date to a party and feel like mingling with some of your friends, keep in mind that your date’s happiness is your first priority. Be extra attentive by doing small things such as bringing drinks, initiating conversation, and making all the right introductions. You can bet that your little acts of kindness will not go unnoticed.

#2: Thou Shalt Not Drink or Become Intoxicated Even if you’re not driving, excessive consumption of alcohol and other recreational drugs is strictly prohibited. If you’ve ever been forced to sit through the film Blind Date, in which lovely Kim Basinger proceeds to get sloshed during a night on the town with Bruce Willis, you know that there’s nothing less attractive than a perfectly nice date who’s three sheets to the wind and feeling no pain. As far as first impressions go, this behavior can put you at a disadvantage.

The best way to avoid becoming drunk is to eat plenty before the date. That way you’ll be able to absorb the alcohol faster. Even if you’re just looking to chase the butterflies out of your stomach, forgo the booze in favor of some deep breathing exercises.

#3: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Thy Ex Whether you’ve just broken up, happened to run into your ex that day, or just can’t help digging up the past, talking about your ex is a first date faux pas. The last thing your date wants to hear about is how horrible or great your ex was. As far as your date is concerned, you’ve never ever gone out with anyone before.

Many people think that dredging up a former love will somehow make them seem more desirable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Your date is more likely to think that you’re having a problem letting go and are on the rebound. If they’re smart, they will never want to see you again. If they’re not, it’s you who should be running the other way.

#4: Thou Shalt Not Lie First dates are all about getting to know each other and being honest. If you happen to be out of a job, living with your parents, or hard up for cash, by all means don’t lie about it. You can omit the information, so long as you fess up when asked point blank. Don’t equivocate, don’t change the subject, and don’t make up some elaborate ruse. If the date proves successful, and more follow, you’ll eventually be exposed for the charlatan that you are. And, besides, if your date can’t accept you exactly the way you are, then you’re better off finding someone who isn’t so superficial.

#5: Thou Shalt Not Commit an Act of Road Rage When transporting your date from one destination to another, thou shalt obey the rules of the road and be courteous to other drivers. If you happen to be cut off by a kamikaze driver or even get thrown the bird, act as if nothing happened. Do not, and we repeat, do not proceed to chase down the offender or slam on your brakes to get revenge. Not only will your date be paralyzed with fear for his or her safety; he or she will remain uncomfortable for the duration of this, your first and last date together.

#6: Thou Shalt Not Show Up More Than 20 Minutes Late When it comes to dating, timeliness is next to godliness. The worst thing you can do to your date is keep them waiting. Nobody likes to sit around wondering whether they’re being stood up, especially if they’re already nervous about going out with someone for the first time. Before heading out for the outing, make sure you have scheduled plenty of time to pick up your date. You should also avoid scheduling any other activities for at least one hour before your date. Many dates have been known to be canceled right from the get-go because of tardiness. Make sure you’re not one of the many casualties in the race against time by allowing plenty of room for error.

#7: Thou Shalt Not Come on Too Strong It’s considered in bad taste to make lewd comments about your date’s appearance, touch them without permission, or insinuate wanting to get more sexual. Unless you’re looking for nothing more than a basic wham-bam-adios-amigo — which, by the way, you’re still not likely to score using these tactless methods — keep your sexually charged particles in line.

When getting to know someone for the first time, most people prefer to keep things on a platonic level. That means putting a nix on the sexual advances. At least have the decency to wait until your date is more comfortable with you. Most importantly, never try to push your date into a sexual situation. Always err on the side of caution-even if while their lips are saying no, their eyes are saying yes.

#8: Thou Shalt Not Use Thy Cellular In the name of insufferable bores everywhere, deactivate your cell phone while on your date. Should your friends be trying to reach you, they can leave a message on your voice mail. Using a cellular phone during your date can be a major turnoff. By talking on the phone, you’re saying that your date is not significant enough to captivate your attention, implying that your work and friends are much more important. That’s not exactly the message you want to convey to someone who has kindly agreed to go out with a cellphone-flaunting-Sally like yourself. If you cared enough to go on the date, keeping things lively should be your top priority.

#9: Thou Shalt Not Talk About Building a Family Few things are more frightening than going on a first date and being confronted with the issues of marriage and family. Such situations make most people stop and look around to make sure they’re still in America — as opposed to some countries, where one meeting is all you get before striking an arrangement.

Before sizing up your date for mate potential, take a breather and get a little perspective. You’ve only just met a little while ago. If you happen to be looking for Mr/s. Right, keep your plans to yourself or risk scaring off potential suitors. Remember, whatever will be, will be. Grilling your date about their desire to have kids will only make you seem foolish and desperate. If you want to find out whether someone would make a good husband or wife, try studying their behavior instead. Actions will always speak much louder than words.

#10: Thou Shalt Not Whine If “I want” figures prominently on your list of most frequently used phrases, then prepare to monitor your behavior during date hours. Bossing your date around or pouring on the old “bitch and moan” routine when you don’t get your way are sure-fire ways to spoil a romantic mood. If you have your heart set on doing something particular, take the lead-just make sure your date is fine with your arrangements. If, on the other hand, you’ve let your date take control, either voice your dissent right away or pretend you’re enjoying the 100-degree weather and the two-hour hike. The prima donna attitude will make you seem spoiled, selfish, and definitely not second date material.

I would be most interested to here some comments on post divorce dating. When, how and what has been the outcome? Comment below. Click on the Comments Link

I’ve never written on the topic of “single parent” to date; however, something that I heard  yesterday really shook my world. As you may know from reading this blog, my ex did not leave me with anything in the way of children, we had none…she left just the dogs. So my personal experience regarding a divorce with children is not in my immediate world. A divorce with children is in my world however.

I recieved a call from one of my very dear and long time friends yesterday. He has been divorced for 6 months less then I have. I was by his side coaching him on during his hard time. His hard time never really ended. He was not as fortunate as I have been. His relationship ended much the same as mine, just a disconnect between two people. Unlike my mediation process, his divorce was a full fledged war of the attorney’s. For her good reasons, she battled him for every penny he had…the horror story divorce. Right down to fact of claiming his success what due to her support! Neither party won in the long run…he really took it on the chin…yes I am very biased, but his strory is real insanity.

Yesterday he told me that she is now serving him with papers to start a custody battle with him. THREE YEARS LATER. You see, she met someone back east, and now she wants to move back east and take their kids with her. He will lose his kids AND have to pay her more child support! She even told him that her attorney said it would be best if he picked up the serving papers himself at her attorney’s office!!!!! The damage to these children has to be irreversible, no?

My friend is torn to shreds again. Now he has to fight for his kids! Can someone be that selfish to take children away from a parent? Under what circumstance is this acceptable? My friend is a very successful stand up guy. He is a great father too. I know there is another side to every story, but I am so sad tonight..not only for my friend, but for everyone that must endure this sensless hell that we have created.

That is all I’m saying….

My good friend used to work on Wall Street, now he works in the Financial Services industry specializing in Insurance and up until 3 years ago he was living the good life as a bachelor; every penny earned and saved was for him and his future. Today, he lives with his girlfriend and her two amazing children whom he loves as his own. His world as he knew it no longer exists. But he is happier than he’s ever been and I know this because over a glass of wine he exclaimed, “I love my life!”  Other than my Father this friend is the one person I trust with my finances. He helps guide me towards a more comfortable future for my daughter and me. We got to talking about Bernie Madoff – I am riveted by this man not because of the fortune he made albeit stole, but because his lack of conscious and he’s a Father?! I learned Madoff started his firm in 1960 as a penny stock trader with $5,000 (about $35,000 in 2008 dollars), earned from working as a lifeguard and sprinkler installer. A lifeguard. (A lifeguard in my opinion is undeniably a person who selflessly cares for the well being of others.) I think it’s safe to say most of work towards the American Dream to then hopefully retire early with we our facilities in tact, after maybe having raised a family to then set out to explore and conquer even more of our hopes and dreams. Madoff and his Wife raised two boys and as his Securities Firm grew he enlisted the help of his immediate family, younger brother, niece, nephew, and both his sons as well as his wife Ruth (It has been reported that Mrs. Madoff had reconciled the firm’s bank accounts). How in their right minds did the Madoff’s screw hundreds of thousands of people for over 40 years, look their children in the eyes and raise them without teaching them anything about humanity, honesty, strength, courage, and integrity?

As me, my good friend, and his girlfriend (one of my best friends) talked of life we joked that if I was looking to make fast cash no man or woman would kick me off the pole. Sure the conversation was in jest, but the fact remains, stripping, porn, prostitution and ponzi schemes are absolutely viable options. And as I continued to think of Madoff I was quickly reminded of two of the many differences between him and me, which is a good conscious and greed.

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My good friend moved across the Country for the woman he loved and her children. He’s working in a new field, a new state (pun intended) and continues to work his ass off to support his new family. I became a single parent of an infant with only a thousand dollars to my name and no place to live. Like my good friend I too work day in and day out, with honesty and integrity to provide for my family. Yes we dream of the American Dream but for G-d’s sakes you don’t see us out there slinging shit hoping it sticks to line our pockets at the expense of other people! (Alright, I work in television so maybe I’m not totally exempt from shit slinging but I think you get my point). At what cost will you earn money to make more than a comfortable living for you and your family?

Always,

Daniella

Little did I know I had been stretching somewhat incorrectly all those years.  I’m sure my teachers and coaches meant well and taught me what they learned themselves, but as time and research progresses, stretching style and techniques also progress.  And, as we venture on in our lives and deal with the stresses of everyday life, stretching should be a regular part of our fitness routine.

Stretching is the deliberate lengthening of muscles in order to increase muscle flexibility and joint range of motion.  As we age our range of motion decreases, our muscles tighten, and simple tasks become more difficult hindering our day-to-day activities and active lifestyles.  A regular stretching routine helps lengthen our muscles to make normal living activities easier.  Flexible muscles improve daily performance so tasks such as lifting packages, bending over, or hurrying to catch a bus become easier and less tiring.

However, stretching is important for people of all ages, not just for those getting older.  But how do we know the various types of stretching and how they are different?  Below are the “official” definitions and descriptions of a variety of stretching styles with a more “Layman’s” definition included for ease of understanding.

• Static Stretching – Passively taking a muscle to the point of tension and holding the stretch for a minimum of 20 seconds.  In other words, a stretch involving no movement. click here for video
  
• Passive Stretching/Relaxed Stretching/Static-Passive Stretching – A form of static stretching in which an external force exerts upon the limb to move it into the new position. In other words, you assume a position and hold it with another part of your body, some other apparatus, or with the assistance of someone else. click here for video
• Isometric Stretching - A type of static stretching which involves the resistance of muscle groups through isometric contractions (tensing) of the stretched muscles.  In other words, assume a passive stretch position for a desired muscle, then contract the stretched muscle while resisting against an unmovable force such as the floor, and finally relaxing that same muscle. click here for video
• Proprioceptive Neuromuscular Facilitation  (PNF) Stretching - A technique combining passive stretching and isometric stretching in order to achieve maximum static flexibility.  In other words, a muscle is held in position, then contracted isometrically against resistance while in the stretched position for about 5 – 10 seconds, and then passively stretched again through the resulting increased range of motion. click here for video
• Active-Isolated Stretching/Active-Static Stretching – Using agonists (a contracting muscle whose action is opposed by another muscle) and synergists (a muscle that cooperates with another muscle to enhance its effect) to dynamically move the joint into a range of motion.  In other words, you assume a position and then hold it there with no assistance other than using the strength of your agonist muscles.  The theory is that as one muscle is contracted, the opposing muscle will relax.  An example of opposing muscles are the hamstrings on the back of the thigh and the quadriceps on the front of the thigh. click here for video
• Dynamic Stretching/Functional Stretching – Using the force production of a muscle and the body’s momentum to take a joint through the full available range of motion.  In other words, using motion to take you “gently” to the limits of your range of motion. click here for video
• Resistance Stretching – A muscle simultaneously contracts and elongates.  In other words, placing the muscle in its shortest position, then elongating and contracting the muscle simultaneously until the muscle is as long as possible while still contracting, and repeating. click here for video
• Ballistic Stretching - Using the momentum of a moving body or limb (a bouncing motion) in an attempt to force it beyond its normal range of motion (mostly used on highly conditioned athletes).  In other words, trying to force a part of the body beyond its range of motion. click here for video
• Self-Myofascial Release (SMR) – A flexibility/stretching technique that focuses on the neural and fascial system in the body by rolling muscles over a foam roll to massage the micro-adhesions in the fibrous tissue that surrounds and separates the muscle tissue.  In other words, using body pressure and a foam roll to get rid of the tender, sore spots in the body aka “foam rolling.” click here for video

Now that we have a clearer understanding of what stretching is and its various types, it’s also important to understand the benefits of stretching.  This enables us to realize the full value of stretching so we are sure to add it to our daily routines.

One of the supreme benefits of stretching is increased range of motion (ROM).  With an increased ROM our limbs and joints can move further before an injury occurs.  It also keeps us in better balance and more mobile so we are less prone to injury and falls.  In addition, post-exercise stretching can aid in workout recovery, decreased muscle soreness, and is a way to ensure the muscles and tendons are in good working order.  The more conditioned muscles and tendons are, the better they handle the rigors of sport and exercise, and thus they are less likely to become injured.

Other benefits of stretching include:

• Improved circulation
• Reduced muscle tension
• Better posture
• Enhanced muscular coordination
• Increased energy levels
• Stress relief
• Decreased muscle soreness
• Improved performance

Also, remember not to hold your breath while you’re stretching.  Make sure you breathe evenly and consistently.  Keep in mind that when you stretch, expect to feel tension. But, if it hurts, you’ve gone too far.  Back off to the point where you don’t feel any pain, and then hold the stretch.

Lastly, how often should one stretch?

As a general rule of thumb, stretching when exercise occurs is best.  However, if you don’t exercise regularly, you might want to stretch at least three times a week to maintain flexibility.  It’s better to do active and dynamic/functional stretching prior to exercise as it helps increase core and muscle temperature, stimulates the nervous system, and helps decrease the chance of injury.  For example, walking with high knees is a dynamic flexibility exercise that stretches your glutes, quadriceps and lower back.  You are preparing your body for the workout.  Then, do static and passive stretching after the workout to cool the body and muscles down.  Do not stretch to the point of pain.

A workout program could look like this:

• Beginning – Dynamic stretching/warm-up
• Middle – The actual workout itself
• End – Cool down and static/passive stretching

All-in-all, remember to be kind to your muscles and they will be kind to you!

Important Disclaimer:  All the information presented above is for educational and resource purposes only. It is there to help you make informed decisions about fitness training. It is NOT a substitute for, or an addition to, any advice given to you by your physician. Before adhering to any Heather Edwards, CPT information or recommendations you must consult your physician.  Please understand that you are solely responsible for the way information in this article is perceived and utilized and you do so at your own risk.  In no way will Heather Edwards, CPT or any persons associated with www.AdamsWeddingDress.com be held responsible for any injuries or problems that may occur due to the use of this information or the advice contained within.

References: www.wikipedia.com, www.dictionary.com, the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM), www.mayoclinic.com, and www.bradapp.net.

For a full bio of Heather Edwards, click here

© 2009 Heather Edwards, CPT.  All Rights Reserved.

I’ve always known to lead by example. However, during my daughter’s earlier years I knew she wasn’t cognizant of all my actions; now at  6 1/2  it’s not a matter of choice but my way of life. I’ve also become increasingly aware of the small window parents have to control the friendships our young ones bring into their lives. At the same time, as my child matures, I hope to continue to give her the freedom to find and make better choices on her own.

My daughter and another little girl from school became inseparable. Unfortunately, this particular friend is the kind you hope your child doesn’t attract too closely; sneaky, mean, lacks manners and respect for both peers and authority (over time I ended their after school play dates w/out directly telling my daughter). Every now and then the girls saw one another on the playground. The friend told my daughter, “My Mommy says I should tell you to be a better friend!”  While this hurt my daughter her attention appeared to grow even more strong; it posed a challenge to which spawned her desire to have more play dates. One day in particular (I work full time and occasionally find myself in a bind getting coverage for my daughter after school) I had no choice but to succumb to my daughter’s desire to play with this friend and within the hour I received a crying call, “It’s not my fault Mommy, I’m trying really hard to be better, but she’s so mean. I want to come home, now!” A few nights later, during our bedtime talks, I was very impressed and pleased to find (also thanked my lucky stars) that my daughter realized she no longer wanted to have play dates with this friend. And, she came to this conclusion on her own!

I am neither from a broken home nor a lineage of divorce so I am often faced with creative thinking because I cannot draw from experiences of living in two homes and/or being raised by two full-time working parents. Parenting and single parenting, as we know, is challenging, add having no personal experience to draw from…need I say more? But like my little girl, I too am largely drawn to people and things that challenge me (Perhaps, it’s innate for some of us and relative, no matter our age). Yes, challenges drive me, but I am also learning to get off the proverbial ride when facing challenges at the expense of hurting myself.  So while I cannot draw from living under two roofs I can, in fact, practice what I preach! And in so doing I can better help guide my daughter. As for her friend, I know her behavior is not completely her fault. And in another world, I’d tell her Mom a thing or two about being “better”.

I remember falling in love with my ex-husband made me want to be a better person. The same holds true in my relationship with my daughter!  “Laws of Attraction” -  if they do dictate my life they will ultimately create great challenges; now I will have to consciously choose to stay away from people and things that detour me from being the best person I can be concurrently the best Mommy.

Always,
Daniella

Adam asked me to write something about our marriage. I could not understand why he thought this might be relevant to his blog’s subject which, of course, is divorce. After thinking about it for a bit, I came to the realization that this was some tough subject. What could I possibly tell you that you might find of interest? Any partnership is a challenging situation and it is my belief that Marriage is the toughest partnership there is.

Don & Toby Weston

I am not a marriage and family counselor so I can’t tell you how to live your lives, nor would I want to. I guess the only thing I can tell you is how we lived ours.
I met Adam’s mom when I was an 18 year old Marine in 1943. When I first saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I have never changed my mind. One year later, we were engaged and one year after that, in 1945, we were married.

We never had sex! We made love. We were lovers, with all of the attributes attached. (After 63 years, we are still lovers with most of the attributes attached.) At the same time, we became friends, a friendship that has lasted to this day. We shared each other’s day to day triumphs as well as concerns when they came up. We have laughed our way through the years. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some tears as well. But because we came to understand that if we shared our feelings and our fears, the tears would soon become smiles and then the laughter would take over.
In due time, the lovers became the parents of a beautiful girl and a whole new life presented itself. Both of us became involved with “our family.” Each of us assumed new and sometimes unfamiliar tasks, but we never lost site of the fact that we were a team, helping each other when help was required. Nor did we lose sight of the fact that we were still lovers, albeit lovers with a small distraction and lovers who had to become more creative, time wise. However, we managed to come through this period with a minimum of problems, time wise. As our daughter got older, we (my wife and I), took “naps,” as required.

Twelve years later (a long time) our second child, a boy, came along and thankfully, our family was complete, including the little poodle we got for our daughter. At this time, we began traveling all over the state of California by car. We had a station wagon and we placed an air mattress in the back for our daughter and a porta crib there for the “baby,” and away we went. We became a traveling little family, introducing our kids to the history of California, fishing, etc.

As time progressed and the children got older, I had to explain to them that our home was not a democracy, that I was the King. This lead to the inevitable, “just wait until your father gets home.” I guess I was a tough dad, but we won’t dwell on that.

In due time our daughter married and our family got smaller and also about this time I was having some financial difficulty. Adam’s mom and I put our heads together and that is when we found out that his mom was a tough lady. I mentioned to her that if she could somehow make about $100-200 per month it would help us. Well, she rolled up her sleeves, took out her sewing machine and proceeded to make money. When I asked her how come she never did this before she replied, “you didn’t ask me.” That was the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and the beginning of Toby Weston Handbags.

Ultimately, I sold the little business we had and I joined Mrs. Weston’s company. Talk about a partnership; we were together 24 hours a day. We shared responsibilities. She handled production and sales and I handled billing, collection and financial. If we did not get divorced then, we were never going to get divorced. We disagreed, we argued, we did not see eye to eye but she never hit me! And the business prospered. We made it a corporation with Mrs. W as the president and me as the CFO.

Believe it or not she was with it for 35 years and I was with her for about 28.

During all these years there was never a question about trust, respect, understanding, or commitment. All these things were a given. Divorce was never an option. We began as a team and we will remain a team to the ending.

We still hold hands when walking. We still profess our love each other. We still laugh a lot and we are still best friends.

I often laugh, obscurely, when my old soul of a 6 1/2 yr old lil girl exclaims, “ Sometimes life ’s sooo difficult!” if she only knew. But, come to think of it, I don’t think life’s that difficult but I do feel great pressure from the responsibilities I gain with age. I want a Nanny, not for my daughter, for me (When I was 9yrs old I dreamed of a very large woman with even larger boobies for my head to rest comfortably, peacefully; someone to talk to objectively; someone who knew and loved me only the special way I presumed a Nanny would). My Mom is amazing; a Mother I only hope to emulate. And although she has big boobies she is as petite as I am. When I snuggle upon her I feel as if I’m crushing her, no peace for my restlessness. Furthermore, some of my plights were in part, due to our relationship. How then could she be objective?)

Responsibilities! I do have a lot and they’re not solely monetary. My main responsibility is to take care of me, and ultimately be present when taking care of baby girl. Ha, present! I am fueled by my emotions and sometimes they get the best of me. Sometimes, it feels physically impossible to shield myself from them, dually my baby girl.

“Ask the Single Parent” has no answers today – only realizes no matter our age we all live with unanswered questions and we all become frustrated by happenings we cannot control. “Ask the Single Parent” realizes she should never laugh, even if obscurely, when her lil girl adamantly states, “Sometimes life’s sooo difficult!” The truth is, at times, I concur; the only difference is with age often comes the vantage of wisdom, consequently the ability to process emotions rationally (we hope)!

All in all, although my daughter is my first priority I must recognize I’m growing too and I cannot forgo taking care of myself (and even the little girl inside me).  Single parenting, parenting in general, is all encompassing.

Always,
Daniella

Where would I start, what could I possibly say?

A very dear friend asked me to marry him and his soon to be wife. An honor so great that I actually got a huge lump in my throat. I met him over 10 years ago playing hockey. Always on the other team, and always better then me, I had that adversarial hate for him that you gain in competition. A turn of events and we ended up on the same team and a friendship was struck. No pat on the ass in the locker room, but a good friendship. Another turn of events and we started working together, he is a very gifted artist! Another turn of events and I was sitting at his bedside for a month straight while he battled and beat against cancer. Another turn of events and I was sitting at a golf course restaurant after a round of golf and introduced him and nudged him to ask a girl for her number. Another turn of events and they got engaged. Another turn of events and they asked me to perform the marriage ceremony. Honor is the only word that bubbles past the lump in my throat.

The reality of my marriage comes back to me. Was it a failure? Because we are not together NOW, was it a failure? I suppose if you want, you can look at it that way. But as I have grown in the past years, I have the ability to look at my marriage in a new light. The success of it, the good things that came from it. In the end my ex and I were not compatible enough to spend our lives together.  Now, from the marriage I once had, I will draw the power to unite a new couple on their journey. Today I realized another angle, another meaning of marriage. Marriage is not selfish or judging.

How therapeutic this is! I am considering all the things that make a marriage good and lasting, the things that keep a couple together. The cynical Adam is starting to get soft.

Dear Friend: Marriage is many different things to many different people. It is more then love. It is more then a bond. It is actually its own entity. Imagine two people joining a team and never leaving that team. Through sickness. Through joy. Through failure. Through triumph. Through lies. Through respect….. Every emotion, every event is shared. Two individuals don’t join to become one, they join to become one force as two! Inner struggles and outer forces will try to pull you apart, and often times will, be a rubber band, stretch, then return back to the normal state of love and respect, the reason you are together in the first place. Be individuals to keep the health of the relationship. Try with all your might not to judge. Never put the other down in public places, save that for private conversations. Laugh. Be present in your time together. Don’t tell the other where to park. Take out the trash without being asked to do so. I know those last two sound a bit joking, but the reality behind them is for real. Listen. Listen. Listen.   Dude, acknowledge her feelings, don’t try and fix everything, just listen. Girlfriend, understand that he IS really from Mars! Be honest. Be respectful. Laugh some more!

What will you get out of marriage?

Dear Friend: You will gain knowledge beyond your belief. You will gain love for yourself, your spouse and others. You may create a new life and give your all to that new life, like your parents gave to you. You will grow beyond belief. You will achieve fulfillment knowing that someone has your back, till death do you part!

The above two lists are really incomplete and random. But in retrospect these are the things that I feel will be a great base to start a marriage and keep it together, as well as the things that will come from this experience. This advice brought to you by a divorced man!

What will I say when I perform this marriage ceremony? Not sure, but I am nervous!

What would you say?

When my daughter was born I suddenly wanted to re-learn all there was to learn about Judaism. I wanted to teach my daughter our history, where we came from and of our incomparable pride and grief.  I wanted to re-join the Temple I belonged to as a child. I wanted to continue the traditions I learned from my parents and grandparents. And although my husband agreed The Cross and other non-Jewish symbols would not be placed around or home or on our child, I did not agree to do away with mezuzahs. I hoped to give our Jewish daughter her Jewish name in the same Temple my brother led us in song when he was only 13 during the High Holidays. And even with all this, I hoped to give her the freedom to choose her own way of thinking as she matured. Well, the Jewish naming never came to fruition and only months after her birth my husband and I split.  Our daughter now refers to herself as “Jewiss (no h) & Christmas.”

Whether my ex-husband was Jewish or not, whether he made a lot of money or not never factored into my decision to marry him. Yet, in retrospect, I wish I realized just how important my culture is, to me. Marriage and/or any intimate relationship has its own set of challenges and in my personal experience mixing religion/cultures added a negative component which even to this day has an adverse affect on our co-parenting relationship.

My friend Paul, mid 40′s, Jewish, and from Maryland recently broke up with his longtime non-Jewish girlfriend. He is terribly broken up about their break up but not because he doesn’t love her, but because he’s sitting on the fence. His plight is such that he loves his girlfriend but their religions differ. It also works for them, today, or odes it? He questions their partnership, their future, and bringing children into this world together. Although he is a non-practicing Jew he is a Jew, nevertheless. He further understands the fundamental differences between him and his girlfriend and for this he knows their love is not sustainable, or is it? That damn proverbial fence…

Some of my friends suggest my expectations are set too high; perhaps I should, at least, be open to dating non-Jewish men. Thing is, I’ve been there done that and for better or worse I got a do-over. I am not insinuating interfaith marriages can’t or wont’ work.  I’m directly saying I know what I want and to fish in a non-Jewish pond simply doesn’t behoove me. ! I am Jewish, my daughter is Jewish, and the man I bring into our lives will be Jewish.  I’ve been down the road of cultural hard knocks and now I choose to take the road less traveled. So, if it takes me longer than I’d like to find someone, so be it. I rather have nothing if I can’t have the best (the best for me and my child).

Think about these questions and how they relate to your experience when responding to this post:

1.    Is your ex the same religion as you?
2.    Did religion/culture play a part in the birth or demise of your marriage?
3.    Do you prefer dating men/women with the same belief in G-d as you?
4.    Does raising your children with the religion they were born into (whether you’re religious or not) have an impact on the kind of person you bring into your life, and ultimately your children’s?

This year, I decided to avoid Valentines Day other than celebrating the day before with my daughter. I wasn’t sad nor did I feel lonely but I also didn’t want to rebel by participating in a “singles” dinner; this Valentines Day simply didn’t exist.  I called to kibbitz with my Dad. He explained he just finished eating breakfast and to my surprise, “Daniella, do you want to hear the card I gave Mom for Valentine’s Day?” (My Dad isn’t the most emotional card giving kind of guy) “Sure!” And as he held the phone to the card I heard a faint Sinatra track laid underneath my Dad’s voice “FUXX OFF”. We both laughed until we couldn’t breathe. (This past December my Mom/Dad celebrated their 46th wedding anniversary). As usual I was driving with one ear to the conversation and the other to the soundtrack of my life. I found myself immersed in a slow motion flashback; my family’s traditional Sunday mornings. Every Sunday Dad and I would drive to Western Bagel to pick up bagels, lox and cream cheese; we’d then stop at the deli to get Cod & White fish only to arrive home and the aroma of Mom’s eggs and onions permeating every room. “Daniella, you with me?” “Ya Dad, I was just thinking back…” He interjected, “You know honey, you could continue the same traditions with my Grand Daughter. “You’re right Dad, I could definitely continue Sunday morning traditions with me and all my personalities!” (Just then without copping to it, he remembered his Grand Daughter was at her Dad’s as she has been, every weekend for the past 3 years). “FUXX OFF!” he said lovingly and with that I was off to do my weekly Traders Joes-ing.

It was Sunday, brunch-time, and a mad house at Trader Joes. Even with the rush of carts side swiping one another and rude people bumping into me w/out saying, “Excuse me” I was tickled as an impatient man nudged my arm out of the way to get the same Goat Cheese (rush hour and me, anywhere for that matter, is synonymous for the myriad of video games I play in my head). I coyly stood my ground. Unbeknownst to the impatient man, I was stretching my petite body up to the top shelf to kindly grab one for him too. I handed him the tub of cheese with a firm grip, I refused to let go until his eyes met mine. He looked to me with challenging vengeance and I to him but with a Cheshire grin my grip lessened as I winked and whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Still he refused to smile. I weaved my way out of the cheese section, (as if Donkey Kong fleeing the dragon to save the princess) and rolled into the wine section contemplating Cabernet or Pinot as  6’3 285lb thick hand placed itself upon my shoulder; the dragon leaned into my ear and gently said, “Thank you Princess, I needed that!”

Valentines Day, “Stupid holiday, who cares” I said to myself all week. But the truth is, maybe it ain’t so stupid after all. Who cares that we’re given a legal holiday to remind us to remember, almost tangibly, of our loved ones. Who cares consumers buy into commercialism. Perhaps it’s really just a day to remind to love all those who cross our path.  Who cares that I’m single, I have me, the very best Valentine!

Whether single or not and on any day of the year love can be shared in a plethora of ways and sometimes the best gift is the one you give yourself, unexpectedly.

How about Chris Brown and Rihanna.

According to my sources (several of whom spoke to me under the condition of anonymity), say the couple was enduring a rough patch recently in their year-plus relationship — the pressure that the stars’ high-profile status created began to take a toll, said those with knowledge of the couple’s relationship. Rumors swirling around on blogs about the pair, including off-hand remarks about infidelity and fights, certainly didn’t help matters.

Chris Brown is charged with a felony count for striking his girlfriend. What message does this send out to us about relationships, marriage, and Divorce? Do we blame him or try and help him? I’m sure it did not help growing up with an abusive father.

My parents, as I have mentioned many times here on Adam’s Wedding Dress, have been married for 63 years. They have seen the likes of the above circus acts over the past 63 years, but I doubt in the frequency that we see it today. I seriously think that our instant access, our instant gratification, has broken down the bonds of marriage to some degree. Think about it…we have instant access to live events thought multi media streams. I get an RSS feed of news on my web browser, I get emails coming in, I am connected to hundreds of people around the world on my instant messenger and skype…I have GOOGLE! I can find anything I want, and I can find it now. The world has condensed into the screen on my MacPro. Instant gratification. If we are not getting it here, we move on to there. The media is driving this so fast. Feeding us with the juicy details of destruction, addiction, divorce, abuse, failure, and death in a staggering ratio to positive news.

What motivation do we have to stay married though tough times. My parents endured very difficult times, how? Was there less of a reason to just move on if one was not happy? My ex wife decided that we were two different people, she told me that I would thank her one day for moving on. WTF??? Excuse me? There was NO motivation whatsoever for her to stick it out. Instant gratification to just move on. A lump some of money and paycheck for four years. Not such a bad deal! These days it does not matter if we have kids, we just break up anyway and the kids endure a broken home! I was talking to a good buddy last night, he is not so happy in his marriage, it has become old and stale, but he is keeping a family together for his kids! He does not want his children to grow up like he did, in a broken family. He is a rarity!

What are your thoughts on yesterday vs. today?

Is the media’s glorification of addicts and F*** ups like Steven Adler and Shifty Binzer contributing to the downfall of society as we once knew it? Don’t get me wrong, both Adler and Binzer are talented musicians, but what good will come from Celebrity Rehab? Are we really exposing drug use in a positive light, are we going to learn something positive out of this, will kids be deterred from use or attracted to it? How does the media blitz about Chris Brown and Rihanna’s marital spat effect us (is it effect or affect, i get that one mixed up)? It is just so easy to quit and move on when this is all we see around us…we are being programmed for it. Can the institution of marriage prevail today?

Prove me wrong, prove me right, but just prove to me something! COMMENT PLEASE.

Life brings us may challenges, highs and lows. Here is an example of a young man, top of his game that was tragically lost. What does this have to do with a divorce blog? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own small world that we forget about the biggest picture. Living life each and every day. Jeremy Lusk was survived by his wife Lauren Lusk. She lost her husband Monday. One can only imagine her pain and the long road to her recovery.

Again, what does this have to do with a divorce blog? I have been following several divorce blogs on the web and monitoring the treads of conversation. How the divorce caused “so and so” so much pain, how “i will never be able to date again”, etc….. True, a divorce is a trying moment. But to put things in perspective it was a relationship that did not work out…true that it is still a loss, but it was not a loss due to death. Put things into perspective in your recovery from a relationship gone bad.

I would love to hear some comments or thoughts on the difference between losing a spouse vs. breaking up. I know the difference, but I want us all to see that in the big picture, your divorce or relationship distress is something that can be manageable, in most cases. Knowing that, you may take a bit of comfort that your divorce is not the end of the world. I realize this is not applicable to abusive or other very bad situations, but for the most part it still holds true!

My thoughts and prayers go out to Lauren Lusk and the entire family. I was a fan!

I quote Dr. Marjan Madison’s recent post, “Divorce when there are children involved undoubtedly adds a profound and complicated layer to an already tumultuous process. That is, you are not only dealing with your own reactions and grief, but now must help your little ones through it as well.” So many of us try to shield our children from the turmoil and in doing so I wonder if we also subconsciously shield them from the truth, the truth that we are now “divorced”.  My daughter is 6 ½, two years ago in a divorced friends home with girls a few years older said to her, “So, you’re going to your Dad’s this weekend?  You’re divorced too!”  My daughter looked to me, back to her friend and very inquisitively replied, “No?!” (Again, she was only 4 ½). I felt I owed my baby the truth; at least, the definition of “divorced.” I said, “Well baby, Mommy and Daddy used to be married and now we’re not.” My answer appeared to suffice, “Ya I’m devorsssed too, lets go play” she said almost proudly.  I remember feeling a great sadness as Josie did, but it also occurred to me, if we don’t make divorce sad for our children perhaps they wouldn’t be sadly divorced!

A lot of my friends also went through divorce when their children were young; we couldn’t exactly sit down and explain the negative words society imposes upon those divorced with children, i.e., “Broken home”, “Disneyland Dad/Mom” etc. Our children are growing up in a generation where divorce is the norm. Of course they’re going to hear and learn the good the bad and the ugly. They will undoubtedly have many, many questions. This brings me to another quote from Dr. Marjan Madison’s recent post, “For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an intact family. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children.” I couldn’t agree more because my thriving well adjusted child is living proof of that very same positive finding!

“Broken home” is such an ugly term! I remember sobbing to an incredibly special person,  “I’m an effin statistic and so is my child, she’s now from a broken home. I no longer have a family! I am not just living one of those crappy LifeTime TV movies I am a crappy LifeTime TV movie.  She replied with such conviction, “What makes you think you’re not a family, who’s to say “family” is comprised of only two parents and especially in this day and age?! Daniella, you and your daughter are family! Your daughter’s your family! Your home is not broken!” It was then I realized it’s all about my perception and not giving in to how society defines my daughter, my family, and thus me!

As parents we make choices, good bad, and indifferent. We hope to choose the right way to protect our children, teach our children; we will inevitably make mistakes. We are parents not perfection. I’ve learned from my experience as a single parent that honesty is the best policy for my child and me. I say we give them enough information about divorce (that they can handle of course) so they are able, with confidence, to go out into this world, in their immediate peer groups, and walk with their heads held high because while they may come from divorce they are surely NOT broken!

Lilly Friedman doesn’t remember the last name of the woman who designed and sewed the wedding gown she wore when she walked down the aisle over 60 years ago.  But the grandmother of seven does recall that when she first told her fiancé Ludwig that she had always dreamed of being married in a white gown he realized he had his work cut out for him.

For the tall, lanky 21-year-old who had survived hunger, disease and torture this was a different kind of challenge.  How was he ever going to find such a dress in the Bergen Belsen Displaced Person’s camp where they felt grateful for the clothes on their backs?? ?   Fate would intervene in the guise of a former German pilot who walked into the food distribution center where Ludwig worked, eager to make a trade for his worthless parachute.  In exchange for two pounds of coffee beans and a couple of packs of cigarettes Lilly would have her wedding gown.

For two weeks Miriam the seamstress worked under the curious eyes of her fellow DPs, carefully fashioning the six parachute panels into a simple, long sleeved gown with a rolled collar and a fitted waist that tied in the back with a bow. When the dress was completed she sewed the leftover material into a matching shirt for the groom.? ?   A white wedding gown may have seemed like a frivolous request in the surreal environment of the camps, but for Lilly the dress symbolized the innocent, normal life she and her family had once led before the world descended into madness.  Lilly and her siblings were raised in a Torah observant home in the small town of Zarica, Czechoslovakia where her father was a melamed, respected and well liked by the young yeshiva students he taught in nearby Irsheva.

Lilly Friedman and her parachute dress on display in the Bergen Belsen Museum

He and his two sons were marked for extermination immediately upon arriving at Auschwitz.  For Lilly and her sisters it was only their first stop on their long journey of persecution, which included Plashof, Neustadt, Gross Rosen and finally Bergen Belsen.

Four hundred people marched 15 miles in the snow to the town of Celle on January 27, 1946 to attend Lilly and Ludwig’s wedding.  The town synagogue, damaged and desecrated, had been lovingly renovated by the DPs with the meager materials available to them.  When a Sefer Torah arrived from England they converted an old kitchen cabinet into a makeshift Aron Kodesh.

“My sisters and I lost everything – our parents, our two brothers, our homes. The most important thing was to build a new home.”  Six months later, Lilly’s sister Ilona wore the dress when she married Max Traeger.  After that came Cousin Rosie.  How many brides wore Lilly’s dress? “I stopped counting after 17.” With the camps experiencing the highest marriage rate in the world, Lilly’s gown was in great demand.

In 1948 when President Harry Truman finally permitted the 100,000 Jews who had been languishing in DP camps since the end of the war to emigrate, the gown accompanied Lilly across the ocean to America.  Unable to part with her dress, it lay at the bottom of her bedroom closet for the next 50 years, “not even good enough for a garage sale. I was happy when it found such a good home.”

Home was the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C. When Lily’s niece, a volunteer, told museum officials about her aunt’s dress, they immediately recognized its historical significance and displayed the gown in a specially designed showcase, guaranteed to preserve it for 500 years.? But Lilly Friedman’s dress had one more journey to make. Bergen Belsen, the museum, opened its doors on October 28, 2007.  The German government invited Lilly and her sisters to be their guests for the grand opening. They initially declined, but finally traveled to Hanover the following year with their children, their grandchildren and extended families to view the extraordinary exhibit created for the wedding dress made from a parachute.

Lilly’s family, who were all familiar with the stories about the wedding in Celle, were eager to visit the synagogue.  They found the building had been completely renovated and modernized.  But when they pulled aside the handsome curtain they were astounded to find that the Aron Kodesh, made from a kitchen cabinet, had remained untouched as a testament to the profound faith of the survivors.  As Lilly stood on the bimah once again she beckoned to her granddaughter, Jackie, to stand beside her where she was once a kallah.  “It was an emotional trip.  We cried a lot.”

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You asked and we listened, we created a new forum section on Adam’s Wedding Dress for open community discussions. Of course, the forum is in its infancy, but please stop by and start a thread! click here

Two weeks later, the woman who had once stood trembling before the selective eyes of the infamous Dr. Josef Mengele returned home and witnessed the marriage of her granddaughter.  The three Lax sisters – Lilly, Ilona and Eva, who together survived Auschwitz, a forced labor camp, a death march and Bergen Belsen – have remained close and today live within walking distance of each other in Brooklyn.  As mere teenagers, they managed to outwit and outlive a monstrous killing machine, then went on to marry, have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and were ultimately honored by the country that had earmarked them for extinction.

As young brides, they had stood underneath the chuppah and recited the blessings that their ancestors had been saying for thousands of years.  In doing so, they chose to honor the legacy of those who had perished by choosing life.

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Source:  Jewish Press

Along with my child I too am now from a divorced family. I am a divorced parent, a single parent. It dawned on me that it’s quite possible divorced friends w/out children may not have the capability to relate on a deeper level with those who do…what it truly feels like to raise a child on your own, alone. Although it goes without saying children are direct reflections of who we are and despite my focus on what I do have, being a single parent at times while holding my child; washing her body; wiping her tears; sharing a laugh; a meal; a movie; my child even if subconsciously is a direct reflection of my “single” reality.

So my friends, the next time a friend who’s never truly been alone asks if you need someone, without any defense you can simply and proudly exclaim, “Hell ya I do, as do you!”  I may rock the party that rocks the partay, but we all know “Party of one, party of one” ain’t no party!

How do you feel about being a single parent? Do you wish to share your parenting joy and challenges with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Do you feel the void of companionship when your children are at your ex’s?  Do you love being single and thus not having to answer to anyone? Do your activities, hobbies, and/or careers fulfill you? Are you the “I just wanna have fun” type or are you longing to find, “the one”? Overall, are you sincerely happy being a single parent?

I look forward to your feedback! Have a great and fulfilling day!

Going through a divorce can be one of the most emotional roller coaster rides you will ever encounter. Separating and going your separate ways may be the most gut-wrenching step you ever take. There is one thing that will pull on your heartstrings even more. Divorce when there are children involved undoubtedly adds a profound and complicated layer to an already tumultuous process. That is, you are not only dealing with your own reactions and grief, but now must help your little ones through it as well.

For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an “intact family”. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children. This is good news. This means parents have the power to handle their divorce in such a way that gives their children a chance to still thrive and have a solid childhood. Easier said than done? YES. Can it be done? YES!

Why is this easier said than done? For many people, divorce is so emotionally draining that it leaves them with little reserve to be attuned to the needs of their children. Parents can be in such a state of shock, anxiety, anger, despair and grief that they get completely engrossed in their own reality and lose touch with how much their reactions may be impacting their child. These are not “bad” parents, they are just entrenched in their own pain. These parents are so overwhelmed with their own emotions that they can’t possibly be able to effectively help their children through this difficult time. In turn, their children are left to emotionally fend for themselves, and often times, even feel the burden of taking care of their parents who appear to be falling apart. This does not bode well for children in the short-term or the long run as this complicated pain gets integrated into who they are.

Again, this is where a support system can be exceedingly helpful. If a parent can reach out to others during this time, and directly deal with their own feelings, this can help them keep themselves in check so that they can be emotionally available to their child. This is helpful to the children in a variety of ways. First, when a parent successfully deals with his or her own emotions, he or she will come out of the dense fog of pain and be able to witness what is going on for the child. Second, a parent who can effectively modulate his or her own feelings will model the same for the child. Lastly, feelings that are dealt with and owned by the parent will less likely to be projected onto the child. This last point is one that many parents do not take into account simply because they are not aware of this process. However, I believe it is a key concept, and will devote my next article to explaining this idea further.

Indeed, divorce is never easy. Divorce when there is a child involved is even more difficult. Thankfully, parents can make a commitment to themselves and their children’s’ well-being by empowering themselves to help their kids through it all. Ultimately, parents have a chance to handle the divorce in a way that will actually enable their children to come out of the process with the tools to deal the bumps and turns that come with rollercoaster of life. And boy, will they need it!

I remember very clearly the moment I fell in love for the first time. I was in gym class, probably in about the 7th or 8th grade. I saw her walk into the gym were we were doing those worthless fitness tests, remember those? I hated them! Though my quest for the top percentile of pull ups in the entire school, i remember her walking in, she was in a black tee shirt and the old school Adidas sweats with the 3 white strips. She had long black hair and i could see her blue eyes from across the gym floor. I was taken by her, could not think of anything but her. Of course I don’t think I ever did talk to her, I was so shy back in the day. But to this day I still remember that picture in my minds eye. I WAS IN LOVE.

Is that what love is? Loving a person?

Another love story I have is recent. I have found peace within myself. My insecurities are long gone. I seem to be gaining complete control over the direction of my life. And in this new feeling I have, I have an overwhelming emotion for what I call G-D. I look around my surroundings and I am so grateful for what I have and for my family and friends…i get a sensation that I cannot explain, it shivers up and down my spine sometimes. I think that this may be LOVE?

So in the end, love must be many things. Many things to many people. All of which is neither right or wrong, it just IS. I think that love changes from minute to minute throughout ones life. What you think love is one minute, may be subordinate to what it means when you reach the next level of your life…love expands like the universe!

Love expands like the universe – Adam Weston!

With my random thoughts now on a post for all to see,  I now bring you some amazing love quotes ot ponder:

You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving….Amy Carmichael.

Love is like pi — natural, irrational,
and very important….Lisa Hoffman.

Love…Force it and it disappears. You cannot will love,
nor even control it. You can only guide its expression.
It comes or it goes according to those qualities in life
that invite it or deny its presence….David Seabury.

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven….Karen Sunde.

Love is not finding someone to live with,
it’s finding someone you can’t live without….Rafael Ortiz.

Love is the only way to grasp another human being in
the innermost core of his personality….Victor Frankel.

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something,
but to be loved by the one you love is everything….Unknown.

The fruit of Silence is Prayer
The fruit of Prayer is Faith
The fruit of Faith is Love
The fruit of Love is Service
The fruit of Service is Peace…. Mother Teresa.

Love is a flower…you’ve got to let it grow….John Lennon.

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear…
if you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time
a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt,
then you’re not really in love at all….C. J. Franks.

Love is not blind — it sees more, not less. But because
it sees more, it is willing to see less….Rabbi Julius Gordon.

True love never dies for it is lust that
fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime
but lust just pushes away….Alicia Barnhart.

Dance like no one’s watching,
love like you’ll never be hurt,
sing like no one’s listening,
live like it’s heaven on earth….William Purky.

Love can happen anywhere at any time and
almost always when we least expect it….Unknown.

I love you, not for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you….Roy Croft.

“A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.”
–Ingrid Bergmen

“In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.”
–Margaret Anderson

“I love her and that’s the beginning of everything.”
–F. Scott Fitzgerald

“In love there are two things: bodies and words.”
–Joyce Carol Oates

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”
–George Sand

“The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”
–William Shakespeare

Love, the magician, knows this little trick
whereby two people walk in different directions
yet always remain side by side….Hugh Prather.

Love is not a matter of what happens in life.
It’s a matter of what’s happening in your heart….Ken Keyes.

Where there is great love there are
always miracles….Willa Cather.

Lust is when you love what you see.
Love is when you lust for what’s inside….Renee Conkle.

We cannot choose who we love,
only whose love we accept….Unknown.

Sex is a momentary itch,
love never lets you go….Unknown.

Love is a verb. We can’t say it enough. Love must not
only be spoken, but must also be shown. The beginning of
love is God. He showe