Adding Chapters

From the mind of a formally depressed human being.

2014-10-13T12:30:00.003-07:00

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formally depressed human being.

I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply.

2014-09-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

Turn me into a person who changes. Not one who changes for others. When my tongue turns into the hiss of the snake, numb my tongue so I cannot speak. The moments when I look someone up and down as if they are a piece of meat, remind me they can do the same to me in that same moment. Turn me into a person who changes for the good. When a friend hurts my heart allow me to breath and become silent so I can return to loving them. Guide my heart to the ones who will not conceal it but nurture it and let it grow even bigger. Let me make it known that I want to be a person of change. Widen my eyes so that my mind may be more open. Let it be open to growth and truth then be watered by honesty.

Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.

I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.

For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.

I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.

I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.

I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.

I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.

As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.

It is as if it's my new awakening.

2014-08-28T10:26:00.001-07:00

There was a color in the air that I swore I could smell. It as if it laid hidden from me though I was the only one who could see it and of course you too. Your presents moved swift through the crowds and the color floated in the air like remnants. I could still see you as the one holding my hand when I was scared, as the one holding my heart and knowing it, being my protector from the big bad world.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.

Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.

Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.

I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women. She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.

I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.

One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.

My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.

I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.

You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.

It was time that I accepted some reinforcements

2014-07-31T08:34:00.004-07:00

There is something that happens when home comes into your heart. There something that happens when it walks out the door as well. I don't find home in actually buildings or cities anymore. I have found that home is in the hearts of the ones that love me and love right back. I'm finding it hard to connect to Grand Rapids, Michigan. The summers are completely different than the ones in San Diego. I have to say I love my San Diego summers. I didn't know how much I appreciated them until I spent my first summer here.

I'm dreading winter already.

My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.

The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.

Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.

Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.

Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.

God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.

To wash away any embarrassment I have felt...

2014-07-12T10:43:00.001-07:00

My life in the last month has been living in other people's homes, job applying, and then working. I just moved into my house, got some positive feed back from job applying, and still working of course. I've been trying hard now to transition into adult life...

Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.

In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.

I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.

Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.

Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...

Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.

In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.

What will be your move?

I do not understand this adult life.

2014-06-04T08:13:00.002-07:00

I usually have a stack of cards with envelopes tucked away. Some of the cards are just plain and others are special. They say something for a particular purpose. I bought a few awhile ago because there were times in my life that I would constantly make a handful of mistakes. They were sorries to people that I had wronged. Most of them went to Daniela. Others were for making people happy. I started writing letters because they expressed me better than my actions and words. I realized I could communicate better with hand written words than spoken words.

I wrote a small note recently to someone who was experiencing a traumatic event. While I was searching for a blank card I found one of the special cards. It says I.O.U a Sorry. Then you can check some boxes to express your guilt. The card is pretty plain but the font is beautiful as well as the simplistic blue border. I saw it and didn't think too much about it until today.

I saw the card and teared up a little. I think I owe myself an apology. I try to be hard on myself because I am not sure who will be. There are times were my dad is but most of the time he just doesn't understand the full circle and I know I don't either. So we don't always connect on certain things. I dated one person who was constructively hard on me but we went our separate ways. My best friend is a few countries away.Therefore it is just me. When I'm on my own for a bit I tend to be a lot harder on myself.

I realized that I was burning myself out. I've been job applying at a consistent pace for almost a year now for a job I can really move for. One that I can live off of on my own. One that I can feel independent and that my B.A is put to some good use.

Life is weird and I won't be ever ready to understand it. I'm at a point where a lot of the people in the world experience. Living off of part time everything. Having part time jobs and trying to make ends meet is hard. I don't have my immediate family close by where I can come home for a meal or ask if they can help me move. My friend moved back here a few weeks ago and he went home for a weekend. His words were "this feels so good" to feel comfort.

I'm starting to understand that life doesn't go your way. I learned that at an early age but in a very different way. I thought if something tragic happened to me then maybe in the other areas of my life it would be easier. Though I realized now I just understand a part of life that very few understand...I just don't understand these basic human situations. I do not understand why people have to feel lonely or feel alone. My former roommate's husband saw me on the couch the other day. He told me "Brenna, you look lonely." I asked him why and he responded with "no reason, it just looks like that." That hurt but not because he said it but because it was true.

I have a very hard time understanding why people aren't fully there for each other. I can't quite understand why people can't be reliable. I suppose I have experienced some hard things in life so I feel like it's my duty to stop what I'm doing when someone asks for my help. I do not understand why I would have to convince someone to "hold my hand." In last few months a relationship of mine ended and I realize I lost a best friend. Best friends are one of God's fantastic creations. It marks beauty, love, empathy, and most importantly a hand to hold when your days suck or their's suck. You are needed.

Although, I know the answer to well to this thing I presume to not understand. It's being selfish and busy. But I still do not understand why it is an excuse. Anyways, I'm trying to understand life after college and it doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled.

I need to give myself a break and a bit of fresh air. That doesn't mean stopping what I am doing but to construct my thoughts a little bit more. To reconstruct them to be constructive. It really doesn't get easy but I have to start trusting people to be there for me, the ones who seem to be there when I call and not 2 hours late etc. I don't understand people who are apathetic or that aren't honest.

I will always learn two lessons. One is patience. Two is taking care of myself. Its taking care of yourself that could be the most crucial part of life. It can look different for everyone. But sometimes the last thing that gets checked off the list is our own sanity.

When I try to embrace God, I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more

2014-05-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

I'm always wanting to improve myself. I think it is important to do at what ever stage you are at in life. Right now I am in a stage of life that most people say it's one of the hardest times in your life, your twenties. Everyone generally runs into it.

I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.

Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.

I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.

At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.

With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.

I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.

My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?

So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.

life, eh?

2014-04-24T13:40:00.001-07:00

I've been wondering something for some time. Life is extremely hard. I've been putting myself out there for awhile. Putting myself out there in means of jobs and many other things. I've just been experiencing rejection or just this half commitment thing. I've noticed that I fell into this trap...a trap of self pity. That isn't a way to live life whatsoever. So I try harder.

I'm exhausted from trying harder but that is what is. I call to a high being, God, to provide strength for me. To guide me into something that is designed for me. I have been running full force into half open doors. I'm starting to realize that half open doors are not enough. They simply aren't enough.

I've loved. I've lost. I've been rejected. I've been trying.

I think there something magical about life however. This entire day I have failed to see the magic. I have a loving Father that is paying my more than half of my student loans and asks only for love in return. I have just ENOUGH to buy groceries today. And even though my best friends are way down south right now. I have this beautiful thing called iMessage...and the lovely company of others.

I do not think I realized I was exhausted until today. Its funny how things appear out of the blue. I have often thought I wasn't smart enough or good enough....until I tried. I have always learned the hard way and I rarely do learn the easy way. I've had a 6 month review from Pine Rest. And it was the most loveliest thing to read. I've seen something in the eyes of my friends recently that I haven't seen before. I saw their love for me. I think thats a hard thing to see sometimes to be honest.

A person is very complex...I am finding out things about myself in the last two months...I didn't know existed. Its been a trying to say the least. But I have found when I believe in myself life is simple. I lost a bit of that today and it honestly a bitch. I struggled today.

We all have our life situations. We all handle them very differently. I think it is very important to believe in yourself. It makes the motion of life easier to deal with. Being confident in yourself is probably the best advice I can give someone. I lost sight of that for a moment but it is time to go and move forward.

life, eh?

Walls of my room spoke

2014-04-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Walls of My Room Spoke

There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
My eyes lingered on your body.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
I held my tongue for some months and watched.
Smoke left my lungs as I readied myself.
Deep devotion I laid in, to wake in deep emotion.
My heart stood still and the silence settled in.
Tired eyes looking at you and sadness back at me.
The moment my heart stood still to calm myself.
Leather on your feet, I picked it out for you.
The green on your back we found together.
Materials only resembling mundane memories.
I sat in the silence on the stairs to breath it in.
I forced the rejection away for me.
Prolonging the sadness till it wasn't possible.
The walls of my room spoke to me in subtle voices.
Whispering the memories they witnessed.
Standing still, my heart listened and lingered on.
There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
You held me when it was over...you held me
this time you didn't even move, you said nothing.
The one stood still but I picked my heart up and moved.
----------------------

There was this moment in my life that I couldn't quite grasp. It took me years for my mind and my heart to be on the same page. I searched endlessly for answers. Nothing seemed to work because I wanted things to heal fast and they weren't. Time, it took time to heal me. It took 6 years for me to feel ok consistently after my mom passed. I had to work through I lot of things and come to terms with so many things. When I approach heart ache now...my intensity to solve the equation is less intense. I have become very comfortable with finding a balance. I have had to learn how to trust. Though I do know I love like a child so when things end I feel intense. I have a hard time calculating things out to make sure that its ok to love. However it isn't easy for me to find something that I love passionately like a child. For a simplistic example, I like a lot of music but to love it takes a "Love at first listen" for me. I will become obsessed with it. I have realized for me now that logical transcends into a lot of areas of my life. It isn't the first look. Or the first intimate encounter...a kiss...a hand hold...a hug...etc. For me its listening to you or it. The first listen. When I took time to listen to job I learned to love it. I dislike many things about my job. But when I listened to the kids and let connections be made I loved it. When I listen to people...a really good listen, I fall into a spiral of connections. I inter-web myself and if that listen is amazing, it's hard for me to turn away. I fall into loving like a child. Risks start to disappear...the minor negativeness disappear...It is like finding the full moon and the light it shines down. It's the light in the complete darkness that can guide you.

I have no idea why but I love this song.

In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience

2014-04-01T09:12:00.003-07:00

There is one thing that I have to constantly learn over and over again. It shows up in my life in various forms and never fails to show the impact of the lesson. I tend to dread the lesson because I continually have to learn it or relearn it. When I got my first computer for college I decided to make this lesson my password. When ever I would enter it I would have to be reminded of it. I suppose it has helped. The lesson is patience...to be patient. I struggle with time. I struggle with it not being fast enough. I love getting to the end product or seeing what the outcome is whether its good or bad. For me just to know is satisfying. My patience quickly dies off with this thinking pattern. There are times when the journey is as equally important as the end. I have to be reminded of that.

However, I realized something. It was a ah hah moment. I have realized how incredibly patient God has been with me. I have really messed up. I took a path of silence with God for a few years. It began in Spain and made its way to the point of Graduation. Instead of swimming in the arms of the Lord I swam in the arms of partying for a bit. Although the wonderful thing about God is that he never lets go. I met wonderful people, I met my best friends. I even came to impactful realizations of my beliefs. Sadly, I had given all the glory to myself. The silent conversations I was in became destructive.

I started to attend a universalism church (Universalism isn't my belief or my values). The people there are great. Most of the demographics that go there are actually well over 60. They have there hands in most of the nonprofit organizations in Grand Rapids. They also host a potluck type events after church. Their sermons aren't vague but they do have this way of adapting to any religion. I went there because I was in so much pain with God that it was my way of still reaching him but keeping my distance. I have started to call it my launchpad.

I'm a fan of devotional books. I always have been. I'm strangely super picky on them though. My favorite is My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I took it from my mom's library. I have some others that I invested in as well. I dug this out...I'm done with my launchpad and its time to start work. It is time to dig as deep as I can.

I started to write a letter to God. I decided I need to figure out what this anger is all about. The truth is hurtful in itself. I admitted to being angry at God for my Mom's death, troubles with my brother, losing a close friendship, and mainly feeling abandoned by Him in my depression. Lot of honesty going on there. A lot of heartbreaking honesty.

I'm not patient. I'm not a patient person. If there is one virtue I strive for it is patience. I love answers and my love for answers overrides my need for patience. God was patient with me for some time now and seeing that sort of patience should be a lesson to me. I'm optimistic though I am fearful. It was easy to live the life I was living. The life of being selfish and completely absorbed with myself.

A terrifying thing I learned yesterday is how cold my heart as been. My heart turned cold hearted. I felt immune to feeling for other people. I felt removed from people's problems. I essential was an "ass". I started to not care about that. I hate that with everything I got in me. I hate that more than anything else. My friend, learning that about yourself is so unbelievably sad. My mother would not be proud of that. God isn't proud of that. What a horrible thing.

In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience. I will feed off of anything that teaches me patience. I shall.

its just what we decide to do in the fog

2014-03-17T15:50:00.002-07:00

"write hard and clear about what hurts" - Ernst Hemingway

When you are dating someone the reality of them one day not being there is only faint in the back of your mind. The things that distance you from thinking like this might be because you talk every day or see each other every day, who knows...every relationship is different. Though whatever the relationship is like there are expectations and the expectations grow as time moves.

I've been putting myself out there all over again. It is strange in many ways. I mostly want to meet new people. However, putting myself out there post-college is the probably the strangest thing. Meeting people at bars really isn't the ideal. Meeting people at church could be a possibility but the stigmas of "church dating" do not appeal to me. Meeting people in a coffee shop is oddly obscure because almost everyone at a coffee shop is working on work or school. Meeting people via friends seems to be the best option? And then the last option is work. (I could never do that unless it is strictly not romantic)

So what do you do? I have no idea. I'm trying to figure out life as it is. I can't decide on jobs to apply to because everything is starting to just taste bland. How exciting is that?! So the next step I presume is looking at graduate schools. My GPA is close to crap so it narrows down my selections. Does that mean it makes it easier?

I've been running into walls after walls with a select people and then with a select career moves. Is it that twentysomething blues? Most likely, I'm sure of it.
As a half joke half serious gesture one of my good friends talked me into getting that lovely inviting app called tinder. I've been scoping it out a few times and every time I open it up I start to laugh way too hard than I should. I just don't understand how you can take it seriously. Have I dropped below the bar and now I am using tinder of all things? I don't know...but I think I am embarking on a new chapter of my life of not caring in totality of what people think. I want to do wood working so I started to email people for internships. I have no idea what that means but I suppose I might be making a career movement. Its never too late.
I need to start making decisions. I need to start taking more control of my choices. I need to. I'm calling up people I haven't seen in forever. I'm calling up people that need to hang out. I'm calling up events and groups that I would never do in the past. Maybe I found some weird form of courage while life seems to be changing. I am not sure.

I don't know what the answers are or if there will ever be a revealing of the correct answers. I've learned that I need to write hard and clear about what hurts whether thats my personal journal or on here. I need be fluid and clear. To not let the past affect me in the wrong way but the right way so that I can move forward to other things. I must push forward and make the hard decisions like maybe moving and mending a broken heart. Life will never stop being foggy its just what we decide to do in the fog.

I'm impressed with life sometimes.

2014-02-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

Simplicity. I often forget that the more simplest things can bring so much joy. The problem of this is unknown but I tend to get so stuck into the bigger picture of things or I even get stuck on the wrong things. Usually the best thing that happens is that the joy of something simply gets my attention and I get so hooked on it.
I live across the street from a Baptist church. The church is always busy most days and I think the only day that it isn't is Friday. I'm usually the one who is shoveling the driveway or just spending some time outside. I have run into one of the care takers of the church a few times. The first time we had an encounter we got talking about the snow and he then told me he would plow my driveway and the sidewalk when he does the church. He told me he would look out for me. Now whenever we are both outside we chat. I had to to bring the trash can back to the house and he saw me do it...he told me "girl, you gotta let me know...I would of done it." I remind you the man is in his upper 50s.
The most simple conversations we have.
He has made my day a handful of times and I do not know why he offers his assistance. It is bizarre to me.
Time. In a matter of time most things get resolved or closer to the truth. I am not sure how this happens to be very honest but time heals most wounds. It's been almost 9 months since I have seen my best friend. I might be getting the chance to see her in two weeks. When I heard the possibility of her coming I cried a bit. I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I didn't know what to do. It was as if my prayers were answered. Some things aren't as infinite as we think.
This winter has been horrible. Snow just falls and falls and falls. Your car gets stuck everywhere you go and numerous of people's rearview mirrors are smashed. Though today the sun is poking through the clouds. The most amazing feeling ever. In time the sun will get brighter and warmer. In time the snow will melt. And in time I will be warm.
Catching up. This past weekend my other best friend bought a megabus ticket and came to see me. I needed her here and she came. The best kind of catching up is when it doesn't feel like catching up. It is simply being together. The best kind of catching up is not realizing it is happening. The worst kind of catching up is realizing it is happening and its a bit painful. I remember it taking years for my heart to catch up to my mind when my mom passed away. When I realized that is what needed to happen to begin healing...it was terrifying because I couldn't push or force it. When it is your heart doing the catching up it is very hard to accomplish this because it takes time and taking everything in a simple matter.
Understanding. In most situations understanding is like the rays of the sun. Once you understand it your mind seems to clear the clouds. My cat has been a very difficult one to understand. Her meows have no difference between wanting to play, eat, or be petted. However, I discovered something. I understood one of her meows. Its kinda of an annoying bone chilling meow. I hate it. At random I decided to pick her up and hold her like a baby. She stopped meowing completely and calmed down. She wanted to be held...I understand. At PineRest (mental health hospital) most of the time I do not understand the patients. I do not understand why they are acting the way they are. Until I remove myself from the situation and I decide to read their bio, I soon discover if I put myself in their shoes...I might understand a little bit more. Their irrational actions and words soon start to become understandable. And then work suddenly becomes a bit easier.
Not understanding a situation is a huge missing puzzle piece. Once that piece is found we might be able to create sympathy or even empathy. We might begin to act in a different way so that the other person feels better. We might decide to change our behavior.

I'm impressed by life sometimes. It may sound weird but I really I'm. The way experience, trail and error, and a simple love can change everything. When something horrible happens it is like life couldn't get harder. It couldn't possibly be worse then this and then it does. However, when time passes we gain something. We can skill and experience. Even if we don't handle the situation well or if we do...we learn. We learn from it and taking what we can get from it. I'm always sadden when I look back into the past and I see how I first responded to situations. I always think I could of done better. I could of cried less or I could of said less cuss words etc. I'm impressed...I'm impressed with the cycles of life and the unending lessons. I am impressed with friends and their incredible dedication. I'm impressed with strangers and how they can show us the most simplest things.

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them.

2014-01-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them. I have these dreams. Three of them to be precise. They slowly developed over time for me. I didn't have these aspirations right of the bat at all but as I adventured more out into the world, they started to mold into dreams.

I want to be a Music Supervisor. What is that? Well, after I researched choosing music for films and tv shows I stumbled upon this title. It was quite lovely and terrifying at the same time of what I found. If wanting this job you really do not need a ton of education or any at all. It is more about who you are and who you know. The pay can be from 30,000 to 250,000 depending on if you are freelance or working for a company. I enjoy music. I enjoy finding it and imaging what situations or moods go with it. It is like finding the pieces to a puzzle and then putting it all together. When I watch a Tv show I am almost always listening to the music of it.

I want to be an expert in making wooden furniture. I want to develop that skill as much as possible. I want to sell it. My dream is to make a dinning room table that a family will buy and use over and over again then pass it down through out the family. I want my hands to ache from building furniture.

I want to help children and adolescents. I want my masters in Marriage and Family counseling.

You see the thing is I don't know what I will do with my masters. That is the complication. My heart and passion is double dipping. Is this allowed? I'm I allowed to be a professional and then pursue music and art?

Dreams...how do we make these realities? Are these even realities?

I want to dream as much as I can. I want these dreams to become as impactful on my life as possible. I do not want them to separate from reality but conjoin into reality. How does one make these happen? Where do I start? All I know what to do is research and talk about it. Find those connections. Talk to people who have no connection whatsoever to my aspirations and talk to people that feel the same.

I want to make difference in my life to the point where it punctures my lungs. It stops my breathing for a moment and I begin again. Journey...I want to. Make my heart known I suppose. I am not wanting to be hidden in the dark. Expose me world. I always ask to be challenged and life surely makes a big effort in doing that to me. I took a risk and moved to Michigan to be educated by Calvin. I took a risk and applied to the studying abroad program for Spain. I like risks and I want to take more. I want to so many things I hope I can attain my dreams. That for me is one of the most important things in my life. One of my priorities. For my dreams to be dashed or crashed into a million pieces would ruin me. Although, to not act on them is the same.

I Fail to Describe How Beautiful They Are

2014-01-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

...I flipped through the pages of a book that I would never of rented. A book about your twenties and how most people do them wrong. If this was my conscious decision to rent it, I may think it was pretentious. However, I picked it up and read it. It brought me back to a moment a year ago. The snow was still crisp on the ground and the icicles hung like spears. The sun was still shy from the Earth and rested behind the clouds. The dead of winter laid upon me. The weekend nights still clung to drinks and late nights with friends. The mornings seemed unfathomable and terribly uncomfortable. Waking up at 8:00 for school seemed more like it was 5:00. I was living a life that I didn't want to change. I felt anxious about graduation and the changes that followed after. Although every time I saw him I had this lingering feeling that made the end seem less real. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling or even breath taking but it was like the small drips from the icicles when they start to melt. The icicles are there, though they do not seem to be taken notice from anyone. Yet the water drips, they splash into the snow, and when the sun comes out they glisten in the rays. Days soon passed and so did the weeks, nothing happened with the lingering feeling. Life seemed to be moving and making an attempt to be exciting. I talked to others and got myself involved in the lives' of others. I coasted along with my friends and did the same thing over and over again. The repetition wasn't noticed until hindsight. My mind did not linger to his name.

Then I noticed him. He wore a black and simple v-neck. I saw him for the first time. I took an interest in who he was, wanting to figure out what he was about. He seemed cocky and a bit full of himself from were I was looking. Although I mistaken that for a raw form of self-confidence. As the snow melted and started to release the grass and flowers from captivity, I started to make myself revealed. There was no science to this just a clear motive. I wanted to be the smell of breakfast that wakes you from your sleep. When the coffee tastes better at 9:00 in the morning instead of at noon because you cannot resist the smell. I wanted to be like the sun that shines through the blinds gently. I wanted to be the glistening dew on the grass and leaves. My approach was to be settle but then once it was to be realized it would feel like a hug that needed to be embraced.

I left dull but frank text messages for him. They meant nothing and they were suppose to mean nothing. My ways were not to impress or flaunt myself but to reveal myself slowly like when a cat brushes themselves against your leg and you don't notice them until it tickles. However I wanted to take a risk. I was moving across the country it was a risk, maybe even a foolish risk. It wasn't a game. It was noticing the icicles were melting. I waited for a response with no expectations...

I never write this way. I suppose it isn't like me to do so, I am not sure. This might be a writing style or a way to push myself into a different form of writing. When I write a blog my intentions aren't to ask for help or to show the world how "depressed" I am. My aim is to be honest and raw. It just so happens that my struggles are plastered to the wall of facebook, blogger.com, and my google+ account. But this is my choice and I'll do it over and over again. For whomever my audience is I tell you this, I'm ok. I am fine. I am living. I am doing life. I am experiencing the life I was given. My blogs might be tainted with struggles or might seem like a desperate cry for help but what would happen if you posted your daily struggles publicly?
This past Monday I got in a minor car accident and busted one of my headlights. I stressed out my back from it. And now I have to figure out how to fix and pay for it. For the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I don't like my job. It is so med focused that I kind of can't stand it. I wanted to write about that. Yet, I didn't want to seem like I was complaining or that I'm still in this shitty spot of figuring out adulthood.

I discovered that life in it's self is a struggle. If I happen to be the one to write about the struggles then so be it. I will be the one to do that. Sometimes at the end of the day there is no resolution but you just forget that it was a crappy day and move on to the next thing. This week a lot of things happened that I didn't like very much because it made other things very difficult. Yet, some awesome things happened. I needed extra money this month. My cousin contacted me without knowing my week was not so good and that I needed the extra money she asked if I could babysit. My boyfriend spent his entire day off with me, without me asking. It was the day after the minor accident. Things like that make me feel special. Those are some moments I live for. The small great moments make me see the big hard moments smaller. I will continue to write about what I write and maybe some day I will be raw with my big great moments. Though right now I am not willing to publicly air that as weird as that may sound. Those moments mean more to me than the hard moments. I do not cherish the hardships. I cherish the beautiful moments that I fail to describe how beautiful they are.

Trying to make it is what I have to do

2013-12-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

Life. I do not think I am good at it. I don't know what being good at it is really. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders today. As I come more into the light and of the darkness of anxiety I see that all I am doing is growing up at the age of 22. However, I have barely achieved all my independence.

Yesterday I figured out my student loans. I have one that I have to pay right away, of course monthly payments. Though the sum is the same as my rent. That sum...I hate it. I hate money. I do not know how to live on a budget because I find myself buying people dinner or gifts. Then when I need something I have get it....aka food, winter gloves, and etc. I don't know. I'm learning to survive in this crazy and harsh world. The land of the grown ups is not where I belong.

Yesterday I found myself giving homeless people a ride to a food kitchen. I don't have the gas for this. Though I did it anyways. They told me they lived in a tent. It has been snowing for days...I had a blanket in the car and offered it to them. Luckily, they didn't accept because I needed the blanket. When I had that thought it kind of made me sick. It's a weird twisted thought.

Yesterday or sometime last night...my license fell out of my wallet and landed somewhere I will never know. It was one of those things when you take your license out then out of pure laziness you put it in your jacket pocket or just some other place than your wallet.

Lets just say I didn't have the most exciting time last night or today when I came to understanding that my license was misplaced.

I don't know how I will pay for rent. I guess I am now a resident of Michigan if I get a new license.

All these things are troubling. My life is chaotic at some points. I don't quite understand this adult world or what it means to be one because I have never felt like one. I do not know how to be sufficient in this type of world. So I go to church and I record the songs in the service. I go home and start making my niece's christmas gift. I start stopping my complaining and just try my best to deal with it. This life is never easy nor do I think it will get any easier. But trying is what matters I suppose. Trying to make it is what I have to do. I try to be better than I was yesterday and maybe something good will come out of it.

Though what I am thankful for is that I am not alone. I have house to live in. I have car even if it is old. I have things to keep me warm. I have love in my heart. I have food in my belly. I have a bed to sleep in. I have work even if it isn't enough I still have work. I have a life to live. And I don't have a cold anymore just winter boogers. I suppose this is life and I work towards no matter how hard it is.

I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

2013-12-09T12:03:00.004-08:00

The moment that change enters my life or the taunting knock at the door I get very resistant. Eventually I let the change happen and I work with it. Though it takes me a bit to take it all in. I haven't had a "easy" year in a long time nor do I think I have had one. Though what is a easy year anyways? I am not sure. I have noticed that I am getting comfortable. I'm not pushing myself I suppose.

In the past years of my life they have been dramatically filled with situational events. Healing from my mother's death has been constant and very often intense. I have filed through things of what I thought were important to deal with and then I accepted what life brought at my door to file through. Then ever so often other family affairs started to happen. When they died down it was time to graduate from college. So I can say now I'm pretty content even if things are very different and not too exciting.

Until I realized that I need something. That being an introvert can have consequences if it isn't played right. I'm too selective when it comes to friends. Of course it has done me well in the past and I have met and kept some pretty awesome friendships up but right now I need that random chat over coffee.

You see a lot of my close friends aren't in the area anymore or they are still in California. Or they perhaps are leading very work focused lives. Which isn't bad at all. I'm in a stage of my life now that isn't totally similar with everyone at my age.

I'm friend shopping? I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

If you have ever been in that situation of a new environment or your current environment has evolved into something else...I think you know what I am getting at. I'm not lonely just mostly alone on my days off. It's something I don't hate and I am fine with. However, I've never lived in my comfort zone for too long and its time to spread out and see what can be done.

One thing here. This is weird. This is a weird topic and weird to write about it. Though if I write this blog I want to be transparent. I need to be transparent. There is something enticing for me there when I am able to do that.

I have had it in the past where I have moved back home it was the hardest thing to do...to make new friends. It was hard to fit in and understand where people hang out or the kinds of people. I always long to be accepted like everyone else in my own way. I like to be funny and have people laugh at my corny jokes that don't always make sense. I also find it completely weird when we automatically think its easy to make friends for everyone. Its easy for me sometimes because I tend to put a lot of myself in friendships though I rarely do it because of my personal insecurities. I tend to be less confident and less myself with people I don't know. What can I say putting yourself out there for friends to hang out with is the weirdest thing ever to do....Its great but a strange concept because we think that everyone has friends and that people are hanging out all the time. False. Just not true.

Well after babbling and not really having a clear blog entry I invite you on my journey of....finding friends in the area?

P.S haha yes I have friends they are just not here...or very very busy people

So I cried and then woke up with a smile.

2013-10-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

This might be my way of dealing with whatever is going on or maybe not dealing with it. I’m not sure. I asked one of my best friends if my blog entries were sad and depressing because people will message me and ask me if everything is alright and etc. She said no because its about struggles, something that people tend to not share and you are sharing that. I’ll take her word for it because most of times when I write my blog entries it’s because whatever happened already happened and is in the process of being dealt with. You, the reader, do not hear about the good times or you don’t necessarily see the good in my struggles. Now before I go on I do have a disclaimer. This blog entry will seem sad maybe very sad. Although it isn’t entirely actually. It is my life and something that will be apart of my life till I die. It follows me where ever I go. It is the entry about my mom.

I tend to write this entry (once a year) mostly for myself when it becomes close to Halloween. It frees me from the thoughts that I didn’t know I had. However, I am noticing it has become an useful tool in allowing people to get to know me on a level that is hard to open up about.

Every year I come to this month of October. Every year it has been very different. Every year it has gotten better and better. The third time this month came around after my mom passed away I went into this intense depression. I shut out the world and let in the vile creatures that lived outside of it. Vile creatures, I don’t ever want to see them again. I had this traumatic night when it set off things inside me that were horrible and terrifying. I was messaging the best friend that I spoke of earlier. The conversation went wrong and I eluded to suicide then shut off my computer. I put on my jacket and took a scarf then went outside. I could feel the devil taunting me. I called someone that I thought I would never call. We spoke and after I felt better. But my phone was going off from my friends who were so worried about me. The third year...the shock or numbness finally dissolved and left me. I became real with what I had in front of me. I was alone and distant from my family. I was in a place I was semi familiar with. That was a very dramatic and intense time in my life that I do not want to experience again. I am terrified of that time in my life. It was something that lead me to the deep end.

This October. I can feel the crisp air on my face and my eyes are amazed by the colors of the leaves. The air smells fresh and I can feel winter knocking at the door...ready to come in. I can enjoy pumpkin carving even when I do mess up. I can start planning somewhat of what I want to be for Halloween. I became proactive and took work off on Halloween. I felt sad a few days ago. So I cried and then woke up with a smile. If living will be like this then I can handle it. I’ll take it. I’ve finally accepted that I’m an introvert. I do not get energized from people. They actually drain me. I can sit in my house for a few hours without having people over or me going to them. I don’t think I can express enough how awesome that feels. Being alone and not feeling lonely.

My brother Brandon woke me up on October 31st, 2007 at 4:09am. All he said to me was “It’s time.” I knew what those two words meant and he left my room as soon as he said them. I put socks on and went to the “nice” room where my mom’s hospital bed was. She laid there...lifeless. She laid there and I could feel that her soul was gone. It’s ironic now that I saw death on Halloween. This is the first time that I find it quite amusing in a very dark comedy way. My family will make jokes time to time. They are pretty inappropriate jokes about my mom, death, and the present together. It helped us and helps us deal with it. Last October it was the day of Halloween and it was the first time I went out in the States for Halloween, the first time I went out on Halloween after my mom passed was in Spain. Daniela and I were sitting on her bed. I let her in the most I have ever let someone in. I don’t remember the exact words at all. But she made an inappropriate dead mom joke. I knew at that point we were family, where ever we would be in life. I laughed so hard at the joke. It was hilarious.

October 2013 is good. I’m just breaking even every month for bills. Its painful but it is the best incentive to make it to graduate school and finish. I live in a semi shaddy neighborhood but the house is awesome and the church across the street is always full. The church makes me feel like I am in Europe again. All the people that go there are walking around all the time nicely dressed. I’m dating an awesome guy who is as stubborn as me. I’ve realized that I invented a recipe. My friends are calling it Brenna’s Potatoes. I also have been noticing that I love a clean living environment. I need the house clean or else. Something that is very interesting has been coming alive in me also. I have being paying attention to things I do. Some of my traits, quirks, and characteristics are like my mom’s. The cleaning...is one. The weird sense of what goes with what while cooking and making up recipes...granted I have not always known how to cook at all but I forced myself to. The stubbornness is a given. And the ambition to succeed in life in whatever form that is....is also from her. She may not be here. She may not be able to give me relationship advice. She may not be here to send me packages or sooth my cries. She may not be here to tell me how much I’ve grown. Though these things are true...the more I see her inside me and my siblings I feel as though she is. October 2013 is good.

when my heart is calm and my head is light

2013-09-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have these moments in my life when my heart is calm and my head is light. I have a lot going on but I seem to be content. I don't know how I will afford some bills right now but I have a roof over my head. I have food in my belly. I have two jobs whether they are good enough or not.

I got a tattoo a few months ago. It is three arrows. I got the idea from my culture induced brain. However, I designed the arrows and made each one different. The middle one is further down than the left and right one. It represents my family. The right one represents my friends that turned into family. The left one represents my best friend. Arrows are meant to hit their target. They are meant to go straight. With the people in my life I'm going straight. I have seen the path and I am going there. For some reason its always been hard for me to not rebel. I've wanted to rebel since I could remember. But I thought about it more than doing it.

I put myself in hard situations. I tend to do it subconsciously. When the situation is figured out the benefit is amazing. The feeling you get when you get that first pay check is stimulating. I suppose I learn the hard way. I haven't really learn things the easy way or even had the chance to at most cases. I suppose I like to fight and then be held when it's too much.

Lately, I have been looking at my arm which as the arrow tattoo. The weather has been warm and the leaves are starting to change. This is my favorite season to be silent in and just watch the commotion of mundane activity through out the city. I've been able to see my tattoo. Most of the people that are behind the tattoo aren't present. So maybe looking at this symbol in my life makes it feel like they are right there with me. I don't know to be honest.

But I feel content. I feel struggle. I feel loved. I feel tried. I feel pushed. I feel relieved.
Though yesterday however I started to miss someone so bad that it hurt. I didn't want to reply to the text. I wanted to be with them. When you love a person whether it is a friend or the person you are with there will always be hard moments. Moments that you want to be ceased. Though to be honest in some of those moments I feel my most content. Because I know I'm doing something right when they miss me and I miss them. I know I'm doing something right because it takes work to make something better.

Most of the time I'm selfish. Most of the time I have walls that I don't even know I had. But I fight...I fight for something better. I fight to be content in my situation and when I achieve that I feel a very intense emotion. The emotion makes me want to sing.

It doesn't seem real.

2013-09-13T11:49:00.001-07:00

I never knew what growing up was or what it meant to me. It has always looked different. On my roadtrip from California to Michigan, I was driving through Colorado. It was so beautiful to me. I haven't seen beauty like that in so long. It reminded me of so many things...the beauty in my friends and family. It reminded me of the feelings I got in Spain. I couldn't quite place a finger on it about how it felt in Spain until I felt it again that day. I saw what I felt, the beauty. Spain was a place where I grew up and so many things about that trip made me feel alive. I feel alive again though in a very different way. I'm unleashed by undergraduate school. Life is an empty salad bowl. I have chance to put what I want in it now. However, life's normal occurrences have been interrupting exactly what I want in that salad bowl.

When I arrived in Michigan I had decided early on that I would have no expectations of the place or what it meant in the past. My mind was left blank to allow the weird turn of events to wedge themselves in my life. My life here is different, very different from what it was in college. No one expects anything out of me besides work. I have to put on my own demands and constraints. Like always I learned the hard way in the first two days. My rent and security deposit was more than I expected which resulted in a depletion of my money. If thought that was bad...it got worse. My credit card was stolen. It never seems to end. I had a bed...just a bed in my room. No food....and a dad that was angry with me.

There are times where I just want to curl up in my Mom's arms and have her stroke my arm until I fall asleep. This period of life is defiantly one of them. Though obviously I couldn't...it's not possible. So I took a big bite of the bullet and pressed on.

I'm not totally sure how I am going to pay for rent or the payments on my car or for bills and food. Hopefully the two part time jobs I am working at will pay off.

This is life. I've pretty much grown to just adapting to it and not letting things really get to me. I've evolved into someone else over the years. Someone different and I'm getting to know this new person. Life is a bitch. It really is. It's only going to become more of a bitch but you have learn to adapt to it. Change the things that aren't working for you. I've had to cut out a ton of things that I love because it costs money. For 4 years I had the privilege of budgeting those things into my monthly expenses.

I'm trying. I miss my best friends like crazy and I know it would be easier if all of them were here. But I don't have that so I have to change and adapt to it. I miss them so much. It doesn't seem real.

I sipped my coffee too eagerly

2013-08-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

I sipped my coffee too eagerly and it burned the tip of my tongue. I let it settle and took another sip. She didn't care for me smoking which I knew so I waited until our conversation was over. My mind was impatience to hear her advice though I waited. She wasn't like Dad who gave this elongated explanation for what he was saying.
We were outside on the patio. Dad finally got the pepper tree to be cut and the view was ours once again. The fog wasn't settling anymore as the sun started to heat up and burn it all off causing the mountains to be visible. I knew she had some errands to run so I didn't waste any more time to ask her if moving back would be a good idea.

This is what I imagine it would of been like if my mom was alive and I had the opportunity to talk to her when I needed to. Though I don't have that now. I wish it was as easy as sending an email to her or even a text. I've had to think of different ways to handle this. For some reason getting your mom's advice is special in this sense that they want you to stay but they also know what is better for you to do. I imagine that when I get the chance to talk to her...it will be a weird sense of comfort.

I haven't gotten a clear answer about moving but I am still moving. Its this feeling I have. This feeling that feels right. There are a handful of people that I've talked to that aren't bias but there are a handful of people that are. Either they want me to stay to just "hang out" or they want me to come to just "hang out". Haha but what's the right decision? Well, I have come up with pros and cons that have led me to a decision. It would of been easier with my mom around, however that isn't an option.

I'm not entirely good at remembering details. It often takes me longer to understand something or learn something. I can be irrational sometimes. I tend to make a decision without thinking very hard about it. I enjoy advice from people who know me very well. There are times I still feel like a kid and it irritates me. Though I am not sure why I am so eager to grow up. Maybe because I'm happy when I find myself. Find myself through my own individuality.

I'm in a time in my life where I'm trying to build a life.

Her lips went together after sipping more coffee. It was now unsettling hot outside and it was time to get dress to go on with the day full of errands. Her advice left me unsettled but comforted in the ways that I expected.

I fell in love with 11 people

2013-07-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't have the moment of realization once things started to change. They all seemed different from me or just not my crowd for some reason. I didn't feel accepted until I accepted them. The process was quite quick however. It happened so fast that I am not sure I realized exactly what happen in the last two years. My past is cloudy and dusty. It has taken me years to sort through things that influenced who I am today. My feet seem to be tired some days although I keep pressing on. That is what they accepted and loved.

When I met them my world changed. Somehow some way we all connected in this unimaginable way. I felt as though I could be myself and being myself around such a large number of people. The most perfect or close to perfect thing in this world is to be understood and accepted. The most horrible thing in this world is to be misunderstood and not accepted.

There are many things in this world that cause us grief and uncertainty. When joy and certainty is found it is as if life is found, the meaning of life is found. I don't know if you have found that but when you do...it is pretty intense. It is when you finally understand what God's love is even if it is for a split second. They took my hand in my anger, grief, joy, and complete happiness. They held my hand when I wanted to scream. They acted like real raw human beings...and saw God's beauty in them. I saw honest and genuine beings.

Kind eyes and relentless love. The excuses of parties and events just to see each other. Making every weekend seem like a holiday. Wanting the best for them in their studies or work but pressuring to just see them. Telling stories of the past and making memories for future story telling. You will have a place in my heart that will never be kept secret. I will decorate it with the most comfy blankets and pillows...for those afternoon naps.

For some reason when I feel the rain and warm air I think of you all. Something about how it makes me feel resembles the times we have had. We have seen each other at our worse and at our best. It is like rain in the middle of summer. Or it is like a summer day in the middle of winter.

I have a lot of wants and wishes. Some will be fulfilled and others simply won't. Though I will always want to have a day where we are all be together again. I will fight for it. I'm this hopeless romantic for my friends in ways they only understand. I cannot pull away or disengage even though I want nothing more but to get rid of this pain. I've felt greif and I will always feel grief. But pulling away from something that is still there in a sense makes no sense...It simply does not. Once you lose something you understand what fighting for is all about. It is about something bigger than yourself.

I fell in love. I fell in love with 11 people. Each one took my heart and nourished it. They won't give it back. I won't give their hearts back either.

My first goodbye was to my friend Jeremy when I left grand rapids. We actually had two goodbyes, haha that wasn't planned. The first goodbye I think I said goodbye to the whole group in my heart because after that goodbye the other goodbyes I detached from. I cried on the train a little but when I said goodbye to Jeremy everything felt very real. It was as if the curtain was removed and I saw my future. I saw a world that I didn't want. I built my home in your hearts. I built it very deep. When I see you I feel home. I feel for a period of time that I don't need to put up fronts or facade. I can be the person that I was meant to be.

I have two families. One family I was born into. One family I found myself in. When does that happen twice?

When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore.

2013-07-03T13:46:00.001-07:00

I got home almost two weeks ago. When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore. I knew instantly and all my fears of life settled themselves inside my head. These fears I am not sure of anymore as I was terribly overwhelmed with life. I missed my friends. I missed the way the city woke up. I missed the way the air felt in my lungs. I missed the strangers. I missed hugging. I was told to settle in for a few weeks before making any irrational decisions. So I tried. Although I still feel I don't belong in California. The people here are very individualistic and very inward. Communities that provide life and growth are hard to find because you cannot feel it. I cannot feel it like I felt it in Grand Rapids. That city taught me about family and life.

I told a friend about how I felt and it was enlightening. She feels the same way but needs to be home for certain reasons. The churches here are very big we concluded. The might be for all the lost souls.

I always wondered why people stayed in Grand Rapids. I wondered why it was so appealing and remarkable. I didn't quite understand them until I myself when home to live. I moved here and yet I am a person with no heart because I left it in Grand Rapids. Its troubling to know that.

I need to get back on my feet. Pay bills. And then move back. That is my goal.

Since I have been home I have also felt a different feeling that I rarely feel. I feel useless. I feel as though I have no skills and even no skills in relationships. My head is on some other level for the moment. I hope I can change that soon. I need to adequate for this life that I have established. Did I lose something? Is that something confidence? I am not sure. I hope not. I will do anything in my power to find it.

So here I am to find myself in a new way growth. I shall work hard and be productive.

The funny thing is. I realize that if I go back to Grand Rapids...half of my friends will be there....but none at all I dont know. I just know that my heart isn't here in San Diego anymore. I've moved on.

I have a vague plan for the next few months

2013-06-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

The last month was something I cannot quite put into words. It is was blur of emotions for me. My heart was tugged in directions that were hard to say no to. I thought that saying goodbye would be ok. But in fact I haven’t said a goodbye like that in very long time. The moment when you realize how much you love someone is when you have to say goodbye.

That moment you realize that you would do anything or maybe nothing for them. Its this strange feeling you feel that lasts for a few seconds between you and that person. The hug feels like it should be infinite but it isn’t. The tighter you squeeze somehow signifies how much you love them. Then you can whisper anything you want into their ear and only they can hear it. You only want them to hear it.

This morning I had some hard goodbyes. Partly because I was so emotional from all the other goodbyes and I have known these people for 4 years. They saw me at my weakest and my strongest. They listened to my sob stories and held my hand when my head was too heavy for myself. I wish I could tell them in person how much I care for them...again and again and again.

When someone is gone...either if they have run away or left on their own terms...you realize the power of love. You realize that you would have their back and support them to no end. My “crew” means a lot to me. In ways that I can’t comprehend because they turned into family. I wish this stuff was easy but if it was easy then why would we have community?

I have a vague plan for the next few months. I am broke. SO broke. I spent my money wise but I couldn’t possible spend it too wise when I spent my last days in Grand Rapids. I hope that it was worth it because it felt worth it.

My plans might be vague but the support I have from my friends pushes me. To make that money to be used to see them again. I talked to some people about my friend group and its awfully strange. Apparently it is kinda rare to form the kind of friend group that I did in college. A range of 10-13 people saw me at my worse and my best. We discovered ourselves together and helped each other see who they really are. YOLO became this theme that became so ridiculous but made so much sense. We found each other late in the game but it didn’t matter.

Although my heart hurts and it feels so tangled in mush...I’m relaxed. You see your family, that is a written rule.

I have so many things ahead of me and so many plans to make. I’m excited to share them with my friends. I’m excited to live my dreams. I’m excited to use social media to its fullest because I still need them.

Life Holds Onto You If You Let It

2013-05-14T07:10:00.002-07:00

This is my second to last day of undergrad. Tomorrow I use what knowledge I have in my head and force it down on two finals. My mind hasn't really stopped racing, it started racing about a month and half ago. I am thankful that today I don't have a final instead I can study my brains out and focus. Although my focusing has been a bit sidetracked lately.
Mother's Day really through me off. It came out of no where and it was like I was running into a wall with a blind fold on. I didn't even leave the house that day because I was studying but leaving would be too much work. Normally days like this aren't the worse but I usually prepare for them.
Today is a weird day. I'm exhausted from sleeping? I have no idea but I am so exhausted. Last night my brother texted and told me that my niece, Alaina, was sick and had to go to the ER. ER...I hate those letters so much. To some it might seem has refuge or a career but to me it is just another word for bad. Also today it is my brother Brent's birthday. He passed away when he was 4 but I wasn't alive to know him. I think he would of been 29 or 30. I'm not too sure. The list just keeps growing!

Yea all this stuff is hard, it has to happen during finals week of my last year of undergrad. Although as I look back on the last 4 years I have had a lot harder times. I have conquered so much in such a small time frame. Yes, I know my grades aren't the best. But I was also dealing with a whole lot at that time of my life.

I have changed a lot since that first year. I feel more confident. I have more to say and I say it when I feel like it. I guess in a lot of ways I have found myself. I talked to or had flings with guys...but never completely dated someone in college. I didn't get my MRS degree. I didn't want to. I couldn't of...I was too busy finding myself.

I could say that this week is bullshit and I hate it. I wish I could skip this coming weekend and just ignore it. However, I can't. This week means a lot to me...this weekend means a lot to me. When my mom was dying I had made a few promises to her. I already fulfilled one of those promises. The second promise was to graduate from college. I'm doing it mom. I'm graduating. Every part of me wishes you were here. I wish I could hold your hand again and compare how similar our hands are. I wish you could meet my friends...the ones that helped me so much...but you can't. And because you can't...I have become a more independent, caring, thoughtful, and loving person. I wish I could of done it with you here but that is ok, its ok now.

Life holds onto you if you let it. It will drag you down so far. You have to learn to shake it off...and move past it. Learning to live seems like an easy thing in life...but I think it's actually pretty hard. Learning to live is a hard challenge because if you let the hard stuff control and run your life...you will get nowhere. The only destination you will arrive at is misery.

Sometimes I want to give up because it would be easier than trying. However lately its been harder to give up because trying is easier.

I have no choice but to hug life right back

2013-04-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't written something thought provoking in awhile. I have settled for things that I have just repeated time and time again. However in this moment of time I am ready to unload some things. In a better sense document what I have been going through.

For the last month I have been struggling. Struggling in a new sense though. My stress has overtaken my thoughts and the way I am perceiving. I feel now that I have some type of hold on it. In a few weeks I will be graduating from college. I suppose this is some kind of life changing event...

The work load I have been given and taken on is a lot. Papers, projects, relationships, shifts in life, and new issues have been rising to the surface of my life. Lately, I have also realized how similar I am to my dad. We seem to be dealing with the same prohibiting personality traits at the same time. For the first time in a long time I feel as though he is taking care of me and I am not taking care of him.

I'm a perfectionist. I do not have this type A personality per se but I am a perfectionist in my own life. I want to control what goes on in my life in my way. My way isn't the best way but I like it. As you might have realized is that this way of being promotes some hardships.

I like to put my whole self into things...school doesn't allow me to do that. I have to spread myself from subject to class to home. Only parts of me are available. And guess what? I have so much going on in my life right now that I can only give a few percents of myself to each thing.

This results in me not sleeping. At first I wouldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning...the next day. As you can imagine this through me off from everything, to my relationships to attending classes. It was hard to focus and it was hard to be there for people because I wasn't there for myself. I have changed some things...

I have changed or in the process of changing how I feel, think, and act. One of the biggest things I had to change and probably the most protruding...is my mom. This 'issue' that keeps coming up in my life no matter what. My mom won't be at my graduation. She won't be there when I get my dress. She won't be there holding my hand. She won't be there to take a picture with me in the scorching heat. She won't be there.

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose parent is in jail or something. How they could of been there if....fill in the blank...but they won't be. There could be possibility but they chose not to come. That is a thought I have changed. She won't be there because she is dead. However if she wasn't she would be there...and she would probably stress me out with choices and obligations. I would have to take out my lip ring and the plugs in my ears. I would of had to choose a dress that we both like...oh my gawd...I would of gone crazy.

I am not a motherless woman. I am woman that has a mother, she is dead. I am still me and I am still great. I have flaws, flaws that I work on. I struggle through life like anyone else. I relate with people who have lost a parent. I relate to people who have had grief in their life.

I am going through a life change. A change in my life that is real and there. I am not a copy of someone else but I am me. I struggle...but I make it worth while. This is life and once again it is opening it's arms wide and embracing me.....and I have no choice but to hug life right back.