Adolescent Sexuality Today with Karen Rayne, Ph.D.

www.karenrayne.com

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 12:07:00 +0000

I am delighted to announce that I have a new URL! All of my posts and your insightful comments have been moved to: www.karenrayne.com.

Please come visit me at www.karenrayne.com, where we will continue to talk about adolescent sexuality in new and exciting ways!

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Barbie can grow breasts

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 12:27:00 +0000

Late last night my dear partner (you remember, the city planner?) asked if I remembered the doll called something like Betsy Busty - the doll whose arm you twisted and her breasts grew. I admit, I jeered at him. But since we have a fast Internet connection, he was able to prove his point before I had even gotten a good laugh up and running. I give you: Growing Up Skipper and Growing Up Ginger.
You can kind of see the instructions on the Ginger box, but here's the easier-to-read version: twist Skipper's or Ginger's left arm, and her breasts grow larger and she gets taller (her waist lengthens). Apparently there was some controversy at the time (1975), but Skipper still went into production. Then later came Ginger.

I am, I admit, rather stunned by the outrageousness of this. The body image issues. The inappropriate puberty expectations. The bizarre plastic torso. I could go on.

Did you have a Growing Up Skipper/Ginger doll when you were a child? If you didn't, you probably did have some toy that you would never buy your child - as times change, so do our perception of the appropriateness of toys. So what toy(s) did you have that would be considered inappropriate by today's standards, either for safety or body image or some other reason?

Tyra Banks has a vulva puppet!

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 11:48:00 +0000

This is too good, folks. A great educational clip to send to your teenage boys and girls to inform them all about what a girl's vulva looks like.

How old were you, female readers, when you finally realized you didn't pee out of your vagina?

Happy Friday and weekend watching!

Thanks to the folks at the Voices of American Sexuality blog for the head's-up about this video!

Condom Fashion

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 13:02:00 +0000

You’ve gotta love this. Talk about taking wearing a condom to a whole new level!

These are all images taken during a fashion show at the Fourth Annual China Reproductive Health New Technologies & Products Expo. It was, rather unimaginatively, sponsored by Guilin Latex Factory, China’s largest condom manufacturer. But honestly, I can forgive a large amount of crass mass marketing when it results in wedding dresses made out of condoms.

Send some of these pictures to your teenager - and get started talking about how wearing a condom is both practical and stylish! :)

How not to talk to kids about sex...

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 12:16:00 +0000

For Better Or For Worse is a great comic strip. The author, Lynn Johnston, is in partial retirement, so some of the strips that are running now are from the early years of the strip. This is one of those early strips (it also ran yesterday).

What a lovely image of how not to talk with kids about sex! You always need to find out just what they're asking before you start answering - and then do so in as simple terms as possible!

Teenagers and sleep patterns

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 12:56:00 +0000

Teen brain development and patterns are such that many teenagers just aren't able to fall asleep before 11pm or midnight. This all comes down to brain chemistry and when those chemicals are released during a typical day.

So late sleep times, combined with typical high school start times as early as 7:30, means that most teenagers just aren't getting enough sleep. That has all sorts of negative effects on memory, physical development, decision making, and other important things. But most of these things just don't have a big impact on a teenager's decision to try to go to bed earlier.

Finally, here is some research that might actually impact your teenagers to try to go to bed earlier.

It's been clear for a couple of years that adults who get less sleep tend to have higher Body Mass Indexes (BMI), but now it also appears that children who get less sleep in the 3rd and 6th grades are likely to have a higher BMI in 6th grade. Since this finding has held true on both ends of adolescence, my smart money is on it being true in adolescence as well.

But either way, most teenagers legitimately have a hard time going to sleep at a decent hour because of their brain chemistry. Don't be too hard on them because of it - they're probably already feeling the pain of not enough sleep without anyone else pointing it out.

Free cell phones for students?

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 11:55:00 +0000

New York City is apparently considering giving free cell phones to all students. And then rewarding them with free minutes for high grades/test scores/etc. The ban on cell phones in the schools would continue - these cell phones wouldn't even work during school hours.

I have to admit, this seems like an incredibly poorly conceived plan. Maybe I haven't heard all the details (certainly a possibility), and they actually do have everything well thought-out. But here are some of my questions:

Paying students (with cell phone minutes) for good grades? Really? I could go on at some length here, but I'll leave it at that until another day.
Part of the reason they're thinking about this is because parents are in an up-roar about the cell phone ban - in case of another 9/11 type emergency during school hours. How will this address that problem? The cell phones won't even work during school hours.
Giving one cell phone manufacturer and one cell phone carrier access to all of the students in the NYC schools is rather like giving Coke exclusive access. It's an amazing deal for the company in terms of life-long customer-building, but a bad habit-forming gig for the schools to be taking part of, both in terms of the school's inflow of money and the students' development.
What about the students with poor grades? Would they get any free minutes, or would they just have a useless piece of plastic to take care of?
Who is responsible if the cell phone is lost or broken, as I guarantee they will be? Are the students required to maintain it? Is the school going to fix and replace the phones?
I could go on. But I won't.

The up-sides (and what are those again?) just don't seem to balance out all of these issues.

But now that I've slammed the idea at some length, what do you think? Please be honest! I'd be interested if anyone thinks it's a good idea, and to hear why.

Guide To Getting It On

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 11:16:00 +0000

The fifth edition of Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides recently came out. Now, I haven't seen previous versions of the Guide, so I can't speak to them, but this one is almost perfect. It is incredibly comprehensive and non-judgmental, with good information and advice for almost every situation. All of this, plus it is easy to read and understand. I think it is an ideal book for all young adults to have on their shelves, as well as sexually active teenagers.

The two chapters on having sex for the first time (Losing Your Virginity and The First Time - Not What You'd Think) are spot-on. The Guide encourages a thoughtful, planned approach to the event and relatively low expectations - focusing on enjoying the first time while recognizing that it gets better with time. This chapter also encourages young people to wait, and directs them to a whole range of activities in other parts of the book that can offer intimacy without penile-vaginal intercourse.

The only chapter where I really disagree or have issues with the book is the one on how to talk to kids about sex (Explaining Sex to Kids). I like that the chapter encourages parents to be open, honest, and non-judgmental with their kids. Particularly good is that it directs parents to ask questions about their children's sexuality and sexual experiences rather than talk to them (i.e., lecture them). However, it also directs parents to give far too much information to young children. When children under age 9 or so ask questions about bodies and sexuality, they are not asking for an adult discussion of pleasure or relationships. They need a different kind of answer directed at their understanding of bodies and sexuality. The Guide does not seem to recognize that pedagogical difference, which I find disappointing.

So, if what you're looking for is a book on sexuality, not on parenting, Guide To Getting It On is a fabulous choice. This is a great graduation present for your favorite 18-year-old getting ready to leave for college.

Even better yet, give it to your teenager who has started to have sex or is about to have start having sex. You may feel that the gift implies your approval of their being sexual, which you don't necessarily feel. However, that is a small price to pay for the information the Guide will provide about good sex - safety-wise, relationship-wise, and pleasure-wise. And while you may disagree with your teenager having sex, you must come to grips with the bigger issue that they need real information, and they need it immediately. The Guide will provide real, useful information for them much more effectively than their sexual partner or their friends.

Teenagers make everything more fun

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 11:40:00 +0000

Last night, we threw a huge Halloween party. This was for the kids - the average kiddo age was around 6 or 7, and there were close to 65 of them here. There was a potluck, bobbing for apples, a witch with a withchy brew, and stories around the campfire, among many other things. Good, old-fashioned fun for all ages.

Unless, some might say, you're a teenager.

But we did have two teenagers come. And they were absolutely a delight, and in many ways the favorites of the little ones. One came under duress and one by choice.

The young woman was grounded, which means in her family that she has to work. So she came with her three little sisters and did my bidding and her mother's bidding. I had her run the apple-bobbing. The kids flocked to her, and the apple-bobbing was more popular than it's ever been before. Some kids went back again and again, drawn to this young woman far more than the apples or wet hair that is intrinsic to apple bobbing.

The young man is someone I've known since he was little. We say hi now, but haven't really connected in a couple of years. I saw him in the school parking lot on Monday, and asked on a whim if he'd like to come to the party and play a scarecrow for little kids. I think he liked the idea of giving back to kids the magic of his childhood Halloween parties. The children may have been a little bit stand-offish at first, probably because of his costume, but he quickly became the favorite "adult."

In addition to the children, many of the parents and grandparents at the party took the time to come to me and mention what delights both of these young people were. I encouraged them to tell the teenagers that themselves, but I'm not sure if any did.

Teenagers add an incredible depth for both children and adults. The potential energy and authenticity they bring to a party or other gathering, is just phenomenal. But they have to buy in to the process and the event. So when you're planning an event, invite a teenager and his or her friends. They'll probably feel better knowing that they'll know someone there. (As we all do when we're going to a party with mostly new people.) Ask what they'd like to do or eat or whatever, so they can feel welcome and part of the process.

You'll gain tremendous benefits by including teenagers in your events, I promise.

What to do About Sexy Halloween Costumes

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 11:17:00 +0000

You may have noticed over the past few years that sexy Halloween costumes are becoming more and more popular with younger and younger girls. Do a Google search for sexy Halloween costume and you get close to 2 million hits - and that's with the safe search on! And yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. This is from a Washington Post article from yesterday:

Gabby Cirenza wanted to be a referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked had a micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides. She looked admiringly at the thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory. And she thought the little bunny on the chest was cute.
"Absolutely not," said her mother, Cheryl. "That is so not happening."
Gabby is 11.
........
Gabby eyed the Sexy Super Girl but decided against it. A friend at her Catholic school had worn that costume for a Halloween parade and pulled the already short miniskirt way up to cover her tummy. "That didn't look very good." But Gabby did like the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits a child of 8.
No.
How about the Funky Punk Pirate Pre-Teen, with an off-the-shoulder blouse and bare midriff?
No.

So what, as a parent, to do about this trend? It depends, as does everything really, on your daughter. How old is she?

An 8 year old or an 11 year old you say no to. More to the point, you scout out the stores ahead of time, and only take them places that are selling costumes you would allow them to wear. Why even have that argument when you can avoid it completely?

But what about the older girls, who already know what they want to be for Halloween: sexy! Well, here are a couple of ideas.

Try making her costume yourself - at least you can make the hem line fall to within sight of her knee and the top large enough for a bra to fit under.
Have your daughter make her own costume. The costume patterns you can buy at fabric stores cover far more skin than the pre-made costumes you can buy in most stores.
Try to get your daughter involved with organizing or facilitating a Halloween party for younger children. (Halloween, after all, is really more for children.)
Maybe there are some neighborhood kids or younger family members she can walk around with for the night. That way, she can get the Trick-or-Treat candy, and potentially get paid for babysitting as well! (And aren't you willing to spend a few bucks to keep her in a child-appropriate costume?)

But mostly, I would suggest that if she really, really wants a sexy Halloween costume, you should sit with her, away from the stores and craziness, and ask her why. What does she see as the benefits of the sexy Halloween costume? (Be sure to use the word "sexy." Nothing makes something less appealing quicker than a parent calling it "sexy.")

As with all conversations like this, you need to give her lots of time to talk. If she's not saying anything to answer your question, just keep quiet and keep looking at her. Eventually, she'll start talking out of embarrassment. (Just be sure it isn't you who ends up talking out of embarrassment!) Then really listen to what she says and be open to seeing her point of view, rather than making her see yours. Try to get under her skin and feel what she feels about this sometimes very emotional topic. See if you can find out what it is that she's hoping to get with a sexy costume.

After you've listened and really felt and understood her point of view, start using your imagination. Hopefully the two of you will be able to find a mutually agreed upon Halloween costume that you can both live with.

Be clear - this is not necessarily a solution that you like. But it's one you can live with.

What are your experiences with your children and Halloween costumes? Do they want sexy ones? How have you dealt with that?

Very Early Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 11:31:00 +0000

I happen to live with a city planner. Among other things, this means that my professional books (Reviving Ophelia, Reaching Up For Manhood, You Look Too Young to be a Mom) are interspersed with his professional books (Toward the Livable City and An Ecological History of Agriculture, 10,000 B.C. - A.D. 10,000). Fascinating stuff, all around, isn't it?

A few days ago, I was idly flipping through one of his books, and found something that was surprisingly interesting and relevant to this blog. The book is called The Preindustrial City: Past and Present, by Gideon Sjoberg, and the version that we have was printed in 1960. The version on Amazon was printed in 1965.

Here is what struck me as interesting:

This early matrimony, of course, obviates any "youth culture" - such a conspicuous part of the industrial-urban scene, where the rapid social change brings about a hiatus in the outlook of contiguous generations.

So Mr. Sjoberg is suggesting that there is a correlation between later marriage and intergenerational conflict. When young people are given time between childhood (pre-puberty) and adulthood (i.e., marriage) is when they formulate ideas and values that are in conflict with their parents' ideas and values. Very interesting!

I have been hearing whispers here and there from the extremes of the abstinence-only movement and the more extreme Muslim movements that it might be a good idea to return to marriages at the time of puberty to prevent out-of-wedlock sexual behaviors. While I don't think that many people would agree with that sentiment, it would certainly go far in preventing adolescent extra-marital sexual behaviors.

What these relative extremists are accepting is what many of the main-line members of these organizations and much of adult American society rejects: the notion that teenagers want to have sex, and will generally find a way to do so. Given the existence of adolescent sexuality as a baseline, the early-marriage proponents are simply looking to find a way to make it acceptable. That is, having it occur within the context of marriage.

But that's just not a good solution. The issues of power and gender inherent in early, arranged marriages are huge, and not worth the pay-off (of no extra-marital sex).

This reality of adolescent sexuality can only be appropriately addressed once everyone, including parents, accepts the reality that teenagers, even their children, are sexual beings, and that most of them will act on those sexual desires before they turn 20.

The solution is to stop ignoring adolescent sexuality and to start teaching them to make good choices about their sexuality.

If you're looking for someone to teach your teenager about sexuality, or to guide you in teaching your teenager about sexuality, e-mail me. Sexuality education isn't something that should be left to chance or to the schools. Parents and families need to take ownership of it.

The Legality of Underage Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:17:00 +0000

As I was leaving on Friday, I wrote briskly about Genarlow Wilson and the illegality of teenagers having sex with teenagers. I want to address the second issue more completely now.

We legalize so much of human action. Now don't get me wrong, I am no libertarian. I do not want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. At least some of those legal opinions are good and justified.

However, far too much of telling this person or that person what they can or cannot do is about our personal, intimate, sexual lives. And even more of it targets the choices and actions of young people. And then, to top it all off, there are the legal opinions about the personal, intimate, sexual lives of young people.

So tell me again why it is illegal for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other? What on earth is the justification for that? I have to admit, I just don't get it.

The only thing I can think is that it comes from a moralizing, religious perspective that infantilizes teenagers and dictates a moral code that puts marriage and marital sex on an unwarranted pedestal. I think both of those positions are poorly thought through and damaging to young people's healthy, long-term sexual development.

Please take note, this is not to say that I think it is necessarily a good choice for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other. I'm just saying a poor sexual choice by a young person should not be illegal. And the fact that old, white, male elected officials think they should know about and control young people's sexual choices puts a bad taste in my mouth. Honestly, that sounds much closer to something that should be illegal (like pedophilia) than young people lusting after each other.

Teenagers having sex is really a family and a community issue. And it's something that, I'll be honest, I think is a critical developmental milestone. We are trying to help our young people prepare for adulthood. And part of adulthood is having responsible sex. So teenagers need to prepare for having responsible sex. Sometimes that means they will need information. Sometimes that means they'll have sex. But making that learning process illegal (teenage sexuality laws) or unavailable (abstinence-only-until-marriage education) are serious issues, and could have lingering negative influences for the young people's remaining sexual lives.

Genarlow Wilson and Underage Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 20:31:00 +0000

I have written about Genarlow Wilson before. He's the young Georgia man who was sentenced to 10 years without parole for having consensual oral sex at age 17 with a 15 year old. The Wikipedia page on Wilson tells his story in its entirety. Before I enumerate and lambaste the issues in this case, I want to make very clear that I am so pleased that the Georgia Supreme Court today announced that this sentence was cruel and unusual. Wilson is expected to be released from prison today. Consensual sex between young people should not be a crime.

Nevertheless, today I am outraged.

First, there appear to be outstanding issues about Wilson's interactions with an unconscious 17 year old girl at the same party. The same video that was used to convict Wilson for having consensual oral sex with the 15 year old shows Wilson having sexual intercourse with an unconscious 17 year old. But I talked all about that back in June.

The real issue from today is this change in the law that Wilson has benefited from. The change means that the conviction of sex between minors is no longer a felony, but is now a misdemeanor.

Outrageous! Sex between minors has no business being a crime! Teenagers have sex. It should not be a crime. Our society is so over-the-top concerned with teenagers and sex, so over-sexualizing and yet so concerned with controlling their sexual choices. I am so exhausted by all of this! What on earth business does the George Supreme Court have telling 15, 16, and 17 year olds that they can't have sex? That's private business.

Zits by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:42:00 +0000

Good morning, folks, and TGIF! I'm all worn out from the week, so I'll let Mr. Scott and Mr. Borgman do the heavy-lifting for me.

Yesterday's Zits strip (8/25/07) was a great example of a parent sharing too much personal information - and a legitimate response from their teenager. While in this example is about body hair, the same thing applies for sex and sexuality. Let's just put it this way: teenagers generally think their parent's intimate body hair and sexual engagements are about equal amounts of gross.

Sistas on the Rise

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 11:23:00 +0000

This is a fabulous organization: Sistas on the Rise. Here is what they say about themselves:

Sistas on the Rise is a space for young women of color ages 13-21, to take ownership and power over their lives and create a healthy community. We acknowledge that young women of color need a safe space to develop their leadership skills, socio-political analysis and organize without being marginalized. We realize that many young women who became pregnant drop-out of existing youth programs because they do not receive the support necessary for their continued participation.

One of our goals is to build sisterhood among young women who have children and those who do not. Sistas on the Rise is a space where young mothers and women of color raise consciousness, build sisterhood and take action for social change.

We provide workshops, activities and trips that develop leadership skills and teach our young women to be critical and active members in the community.

How can you get a better organization than that? I am so pleased that teenagers and young adults are coming together and taking responsibility for themselves and integrating themselves into the community. Because it seems like such a far-off day when most adults are able to take that first step towards truly intergenerational acceptance, I am glad to see that young women are engaging.

I wonder if there are other branches of this organization outside of NYC?

What other organizations do you know of that are run primarily by young women for young women?

Boys and masturbation - follow-up

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 11:55:00 +0000

Several weeks ago I wrote about what boys need to know about masturbation. One reader took exception to my statement that: "Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some." Here is what he had to say:

I want to commend you for writing such an affirming piece about young men and the practice of masturbation. Our own medical community had warned that masturbation was unhealthy until the Twentieth century. There remains a stigma in our culture about masturbation today. There needs to be more information such as your entry giving an affirming message about masturbation.

Having said that I want to respectfully disagree with your recommendation of lotion for masturbation. Lotion is made to make dry skin feel moisturized. Lotion is not intended as a lubricant. Some lotions have alcohol and some of them have a very high alcohol content. Some lotions are scented and the scent left after a masturbation session may not be a scent that the user wants to linger after the session.

There are many materials that are suitable lubricants for men to use to enhance masturbating. I'll start with mentioning the basic Astroglide water based lubricant. Astroglide also has warming and other options but those options are not necessary. The basic Astroglide liquid can be found at Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

There is a KY Liquid product that is as the name suggests a liquid that provides a water based lubricant that gives good results. The KY Liquid can often be found at stores such as Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

Target stores have a Target brand that is a water based lubricant. A consumer should look for the liquid. There is a gel in a tube but that gel is not nearly the lubricant that the liquid is.

Thanks for the clarification, and the information about resources!

Intergenerational communities

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 11:45:00 +0000

I have just begun to volunteer with my church's youth group (high school age). We're a new-ish church, and the youth group is quite small - only three kids, really, and they aren't terribly close. So we're trying to engage new youth, to do community-forming activities, and to draw the youth and the adult members of the church closer.

This weekend, I was on a retreat with the women of the church. We got to talking about the youth, and the women of the church expressed how much they wanted the youth group to grow and to engage with the adults. I replied by saying how wonderful that would be, and started giving some ideas about how she could start that process. She seemed surprised, and countered with ideas about how the youth could start that process.

The problem here is that teenagers, including church youth, often feel ostracised by the adults around them, whether that is the intention of the adults or not. So teenagers don't tend to reach out. They can't be the ones expected to start the relationship. Adults have to be the ones. They have to prove that they want the teenagers around before teenagers are willing to take part.

So at church this Sunday, or at school, or in your neighborhood, or wherever you go where teenagers also tread, remember that you have to be the one to go up to the teenagers and start the conversation. Take that responsibility! Claim it as yours!

Then come back and let us know how it went, engaging with teenagers you don't yet know.

Images of sex on teen TV

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 11:28:00 +0000

There's lots of talk about how racy or sex-filled television shows are likely to increase sexual activity among teenagers.

But the study linked above, and much of the rest of the talk on this topic, don't really talk about teenagers - they talk more about pre-teenagers, or early teens. As a teenager I didn't really have the time to spend watching television - I was much too busy engaging in life and with my friends and yes, with my boyfriends, to spend my limited hours watching someone else engage in life! But as a preteen, and as an older child, I spent plenty of hours watching television - much of it about teenagers and their social and sexual lives. (Saved By The Bell anyone?)

The point is that there is far too much talk about teenagers watching sexy television, and far too little talk about older children and preteens watching sexy television. Those earlier images are the ones that can really paint a person's permanent picture of sexuality and have serious long-term impacts on relationship skills.

What do you think? Did you watch much television in your older childhood or preteen or teenage years? How do you think it affected your sexual choices at the time or later in life?

And what about your children and teenagers? How much do you monitor their television for sexual content, and what impact do you hope that monitoring (or lack of it) will do for them?

Birth control in the schools

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:07:00 +0000

The school board in Portland, Maine has voted to allow prescription birth control to be distributed in the Middle School Health Center without parental permission or notification. Parents will need to give permission for their children to access the Health Center Services, but will not be informed of what services they receive there. In addition to birth control, the Center provides immunizations and a number of other general health services.

Bravo to them!

From the Times article:

“It has been shown, over and over again, that this does not increase sexual activity,” said Pat Patterson, the medical director of School-Based Health Centers.
Reaction was mixed.
“This is really a violation of parents’ rights,” Peter Doyle, a Portland resident, told the committee. “If there were a constitutional challenge, you guys would be at risk of a lawsuit.”
Others argued for approval.
“Not every child is getting the guidance needed to keep them safe,” said Richard Veilleux, who said his child attends King Middle School. “This is about giving kids who are sexually active the tools that they need.”

I am so delighted to see that these adults are taking responsibility for educating our young people and working to keep them sexually healthy, even though they may not agree with the young people's sexual choices.

Too many parts of our society seem to be bent on punishing, rather than educating, young people who engage in sexual activity. Sometimes they do this through omission of facts and information and health care services, and other times they do this through lies and verbal abuse, moral and religious holier-than-thou lecturing.

Recently, Amanda Marcotte of RH Reality Check wrote a very insightful, moving piece on this very topic called "Of Sluts and Punishment." She talks about how we seem to be in this never-never land of accepting "punishment" in the form of pregnancy, STIs, and cancer, for sexual activity, or rather being a "slut." She goes on, in top from, to say:

With all this interest in sluts and the punishing of them, definitional issues are bound to arise. What exactly is a "slut?" What is "promiscuity?" Karen Malec might define a slut as someone who gets married after the end of her adolescence, but most people would have a more lenient definition of that. Is every woman who has an abortion a slut? What if she's married and has three kids already? Are you a slut if you have premarital sex at all, or just with a certain number of guys? These are not idle questions--if one is advocating the idea that sluts get punished by law, custom, or cosmic justice, it's important to know what a "slut" even is. Only some breast cancer and depression can be traced to prior sluttiness, after all. You have to have a measuring stick to determine who deserved to die of cervical cancer and whose case of HPV was just a case of bad luck.

............................

Or consider this fascinating blog entry from Debbie Schussel, where she declares lower back tattoos on women to be "tramp stamps", writing, "But, as I've written, a woman who doesn't take long to agree to repeatedly put a needle in her body, generally doesn't take long before she acquiesces to putting other things into her body." I think she's referring to the P-E-N-I-S, which brings up another question about evaluating sluttiness--we all know you get docked purity points for diversity, but what about frequency? If "other things" in the body is what measures the slut, it seems possible that a monogamous woman who has frequent sex with her husband might qualify as a slut, even if he's the only man she's ever slept with? Debbie is too busy snickering at sluts, who of course are always some other woman, to address this taxing definitional issue.

I highly recommend reading the entire piece.

So what do you think? Do you think that young people who have sex deserve some kind of cosmic or legal punishment? What about middle schoolers to receiving prescription birth control without specific parental consent? I think it is the right thing for people of any age to receive sexual health care without parental consent or notification. But I'd be interested in hearing the arguments from people who disagree with me.

Sex Ed Video Contest!

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 10:56:00 +0000

A group of organizations is holding a contest for the best short video by a young person. The contest focus is: Why is sex so interesting and sex ed so boring? There are already some movies submitted to the contest. You can watch them!

Here's the text describing the contest:

Using digital video technology, tell us what your Sex Ed experience was like OR tell us how you would redesign Sex Ed for the future.

Was sex ed at your school a total drag or did you love it? If you had your choice, would you want a personal robot tutor or an online game you could play with other teens to learn about sex and its consequences?

A dynamic group of progressive organizations is hosting a digital video contest with two themes to choose from:

Theme 1. Share your sex ed experience so far. Show us how and why it sucked or rocked.

Theme 2. Redesign how sex ed should be delivered. Imagine that anything is possible.

Make a video with either theme and submit it through DoGooderTV by December 31st, 2007. First place wins a $3500 scholarship to the educational institution of your choice (or cash equivalent); second place wins $1000 cash; and third prize is your choice of a Nikon P5000, a Nintendo Wii or an iPhone. Content and creative vision will be weighed more heavily than production quality. Voting begins on January 4, 2008. Film makers must be between the ages of 15-30.

Video finalists will be featured at the Sex::Tech Conference: Focus on Youth, an Inaugural STD/HIV Prevention Conference about youth and technology, January 22 - 23, 2008 in San Fransisco, CA at SFSU's Institute for Next Generation Internet.

See the contest website for official rules and details.

Parents' sexuality

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 11:02:00 +0000

I have mentioned in the past that talking with your children about your own sexuality is generally a bad idea. However, there may be times when it is warranted.

The blog Sexuality In Art recently reviewed a graphic memoir called Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel. The story is centered on Alison as a young girl, coming to grips with her own sexuality and budding homosexuality and her father's closeted homosexuality. It sounds like an astute and honest look at emerging sexuality and sexual awareness.

Alison portrays a time and a place where it may be appropriate for a parent to open up and talk in some very general terms about their sexuality. Alison appears to be grasping for that very conversation, trying to lead her father into it, however clumsily.

Looks like it might be a great read, well worth the time of anyone trying to understand a young girl, particularly one grappling with homosexuality, either personally or in her family.

A suicide

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:38:00 +0000

On Sunday night a young man, a teenager, took his own life. He was a senior at the same school where my daughter in is Kindergarten. The outpouring of pain and love is overwhelming.

We are a relatively small community, with something like 250 families, but I did not know the young man well. Nevertheless, the reverberations of loss encompass the entire school family.

As I write, I do not know what extreme internal strife drove this young man to take his own life. Perhaps no one does.

This is a poem that is currently making it's way around our school community:

I Have Made Ready a Room

I have made ready a room
here in my heart
with walls of warmth
and windows of color
toward every side of the cosmos.

Oceans, mountains, and clouds are without,
within – loving and light:
and here I invite you to come,
dear being I love.

Lead me in what you have learned
now that you have left your body
so early in life
and become a heavenly star:
the up-rising in dying!

by Albert Stefen
(Changed slightly for this occasion)

National Suicide Crisis numbers:
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Austin/Travis County Crisis number:
512-472-HELP (512-472-4357)

For more information about suicide:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Home alone or home not-alone?

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 11:02:00 +0000

The parental decision of when to start leaving kids at home alone is often fraught with anxiety. Of course, in this age of cell phones, it's perhaps a bit easier, because the child will always be able to reach the parent. And most parents start by leaving their child home alone for short trips. But eventually parental anxiety wanes, and children are able to stay home alone.

But being home alone can be complicated by rising teenage sexuality. A mother told me that she had called home to check up on her teenage son and asked, "So are you alone?" And the response was, "Pretty much."

Hmmm...

Suddenly the rules are all turned upside-down. The parental anxiety skyrockets again - not, this time, because of a nameless fear, but because of the very named fear of the boyfriend/girlfriend coming over.

What were the rules you had as a teenager about staying home alone? Were you allowed to have friends over? What kinds of friends? And in retrospect, do you think that they were appropriate rules?

What kind of rules do you have for your teenager right now? How does she or he respond to them?

Squishing your waist, smoothing your face

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 11:40:00 +0000

The Washington Post's technology columnist recently wrote about a new brand of camera that - you guessed it! - automatically washes away wrinkles and slims the person in the picture. Here's what he says about the process:

When they work, both can generate a photographic likeness that looks more attractive than the real you -- a SuperYou that you can post on Facebook, MySpace, Match.com or any other site.

Nice, huh?

Well, either that or completely over-the-top, feeding into the negative body image, portrayal of a PretendYou. I'm inclined to suggest the latter.

On the slimming mode, you can even choose one of three levels of slimness you would like the camera to impose on this soon-to-be tortured image.

Here's what the columnist says in the end about these cameras:

Neither of these cameras will make a regular schmo look like a supermodel. That still requires other forms of technological intervention -- cosmetics, injections, implants.

But both can cater to people's vanity at a low cost. That makes them a pretty smart business move for manufacturers. This kind of photo fakery -- I'm sorry, embellishment -- also fits in with the overall evolution of digital cameras. As easy as some photo-album programs are, people can still be intimidated by the prospect of cleaning up their shots on the computer; some would rather press a button on the camera to have that work done automatically.

So why not build cameras that know more of the editing tricks creative photographers have used on their computers? If a camera can make people look thinner and younger than their physical selves, why not have it also whiten their teeth, dye their hair and blot out their birthmarks?

You will, however, have to know when to stop upgrading your image. At some point, you'll have to meet people who know you only as a younger, slimmer, blemish-free version of yourself. They could be shocked to see how scruffy you look in real life -- unless they've been even more aggressive about polishing their own portraits.

Indeed. These camera features sound clunky and not-very-useful in the first place, kind of like a lot of words strung together into-a-meta-word. In the second place, they cater to a kind of image-oriented self-centeredness that I find appalling.

I understand if you want to look your absolute best in your pictures - who doesn't? But that's completely different from looking well...completely different in your pictures.

Banning hugs and school violence

noreply@blogger.com (Karen Rayne, Ph.D.) — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 11:26:00 +0000

In his column a week ago, Leonard Pitts had this to say:

Sometimes -- times of pain, times of commiseration, times of affection, times of joy -- you just need to be held. So I was appalled to read this week about a school in Texas -- Fossil Hill Middle in Fort Worth -- where students are banned from hugging or even holding hands. And it turns out Fossil Hill is not the only one.
From Bend, Ore., to Oak Park, Ill., to Des Moines, Iowa, to Orlando, Fla., to, believe it or not, Cornwall, England, schools are banning hugs. Some say it's because hugging creates congestion in the halls. But there are others who say these ''PDAs'' -- public displays of affection -- are a gateway to sexual harassment.
My, my, my.
Honey, chill out
............
No one is pro-sexual harassment or, for that matter, pro-hallway congestion. But surely there are better solutions.
We're not talking about kids groping and making out. We are talking about hugs. To hug is to reach across. It is to reaffirm common humanity. That is a powerful instinct.
Now the hug joins that long list of banned things. I guess kids who need consolation, kids primed for celebration, kids who just want to know that they are not alone will henceforth have to write text messages instead.
And progress marches on.

What Mr. Pitts did not talk about was what this school ban of hugs is really based on: fear of adolescent sexuality. Hugs can be amazingly sensual, sexy things. And administrators don't want that in their hallways. But hugs are, as Mr. Pitts points out, also amazingly human.

And we must not dehumanize the school building more than it already is - with guards, metal detectors, regular locker searches, concrete yards, no windows in the classrooms. It sounds more like a prison than a school. And now we're beginning to regulate genuine, humanizing touch between the young people at these institutions.

Perhaps what we need is more hugs, not less. Perhaps we need to recognize the humanity, including the need for physical touch, that exists in young people, rather than lock them away and treat them as though they are criminals.

When Asa Coon terrorized and shot his teachers and fellow students in Cleveland yesterday, it was not because he had experienced a shared humanity, or perhaps a shared anything, with them. Rather, it was because he had experienced violence as the solution in his personal life, he was ostracized, he felt excluded and laughed at. There is, of course, no excuse for what Mr. Coon did. Nevertheless, it is critical that we pay attention to what was behind his actions so that no one else chooses to take those same actions again.

Because here's the thing: we don't need more metal detectors, as has been called for in Cleveland. We need to make sure that teachers, counselors, students, everyone will reach out to anyone in pain. A person who is that angry, that full of grief and loneliness, will always find a way through any but the most extreme safety measures. And as Mr. Pitts says elsewhere in his column:

I'm just not convinced what we gain is worth all that we lose.