This is the third (and final) part of the topic, “Self-Absorption: The Biggest Problem Nobody Talks About.”  I hope that all readers, no matter what their vocation or beliefs, engage in helping me figure out this difficult topic.  Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and learning from your insights!

Self-Promotion, Culture & Integrity (Humility, Boldness, and Stewardship in a Changing World)

Do you have a blog?  Do you use Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media?  If so, did you know that you are a spokesperson?  You are responsible for stewarding a platform that has influence, whether or not your own voice seems significant to you.

So what are you about?  Who or what do you represent?

These are questions I wrestle with.  And I suspect that many others do, too.  But do those questions themselves seem presumptuous to you?  Self-absorbed?

There’s no question that the world of blogs and social media can lead to self-absorbed behavior, as people use Twitter or Facebook to promote their own accomplishments, or repeat others’ compliments of them (for everyone else to see).  In most Asian American and other cultural settings, it’s worse than a faux pas to put oneself before others like this… it’s shameful.  It’s self-promotion.  But when people do that, they aren’t trying to brag, or aren’t completely full of themselves… right?

To be honest, I don’t think we really know what to do with all of this. 

After all, the world has changed.  We can now write things online with the click of a button, that we would never have said before in person.  Or at least, in the past we had a few minutes to reconsider, as we saw the faces of the people we were addressing.

We live in an age of unprecedented sharing of information, where each of us can speak to hundreds and thousands of people from behind a computer.  And people are reading.

So what do we do?  Ignore social media, and all that’s happening there?  Never speak up and put ourselves out in public?  Close our eyes and semi-apologize, labeling everything we share as “shameless plugs?”  Or throw caution to the wind and inundate people relentlessly with our online presence?

As you can see, there’s a lot behind this, that is worth exploring.

Let me start with this.  Although I respect people who choose not to use it (and their reasons for doing so), I am absolutely a believer in social media, and it’s not just because it’s effective.  It’s a way that people relate and communicate with one another, like it or not.  It’s already shaping the next generation of leaders and organizations around the world.

I could put it even more strongly.  I think we have to shift from treating social media as “cool” or “modern”, to treating it as a matter of leadership.  I’ll try to elaborate.

This past summer, one of my coworkers gave a seminar called “Social Media 201,” where he discussed a number of cultural shifts in the way that people access information.  The first shift was to feeds.  For instance, Facebook and its stream of updates is a feed, as is a blog’s subscription feed… or even an e-mail.  It’s basically anything that gets information to people, so they know it’s there, and can read and engage it if they want.

The central insight behind the informational shift to feeds, was that people aren’t looking for you anymore.  They simply won’t spend the time to type in the web address of your Facebook home page or blog, when there are hundreds of other sources of information that are being streamed to them.  So what to do?  You must find ways to seek out people, not wait for them to come to you. 

There’s a leadership and personal lesson there.  First, you can’t lead if you’re completely out of touch with the way others are communicating and connecting.  It’s not about whether you like technology, or feel adept at it or not.  If you want to share your experiences, or gather feedback or insights from others, you have to be where people are.  It’s that simple.

Second, here’s a personal lesson I’ve learned.  If you’re not willing to put yourself out in public, you lose all the positive things that can come through that, in addition to the negative.  For instance, my writing and work is part of my own growth in stewardship as an Asian American who wants to use my opportunities, education and skills to do something good for others, and in the world.  Can’t it be irresponsible (and self-absorbed, actually), to be so self-conscious to never use one’s voice for anything, even for good causes?

Let me just say, I’m an introvert and social media is not natural to me.  On many days of the week, I’d rather stay invisible, and certain times after I write an article or put myself out in the public eye, I feel like hiding under a rock.  But if I believe in what I’m writing about, is it a bad thing to share it with other people?

Sure, it would be great if other people could be constantly looking to share other peoples’ stuff, so we could all avoid the discomfort of self-consciousness and apparent self-promotion.  But that’s just not how the world works these days… people rely on feeds to know anything’s even out there.  Someone’s refusal to be public, while certainly a respectable choice (note: some people are not interested in that, and I do respect the spirit behind that), won’t necessarily be perceived as a matter of arrogance OR humility.  People just won’t know they’re there, period.

Okay, now is the time for a HUGE “BUT.”  BUT…

This is only half of the story!  Too many people stop here, and then feel they can share whatever they want, as much as they want.  This is where our conscience can be a helpful guide in discretion, so we’re stewarding our public platform and voice with humility and integrity.  There is a huge value to thoughtful restraint in online venues!

 Here are some questions I’ve found helpful for myself, in navigating these complex waters:

• What is the focus of the content I’m sharing about?  Is it ultimately all about me, and what will help me?  Or does it point attention to other people and issues? 

This is one of the biggest questions, around which I see a lot of confusion.  Someone could write about nothing but their own life, passions, struggles and dreams on Facebook, Twitter, or on a blog.  And that could certainly reflect a fair level of self-absorption… no question about it.  Or that same person could be using those venues to bring attention to other people, causes or issues that are bigger than them, and so on.  But there’s a big difference between the two situations, although the same person is writing and sharing that content.  In other words, just because somebody shares their own content, doesn’t mean they are only trying to promote themselves, regardless of the focus of the content.  That would be a very cynical way of looking at things.  But I think there’s a healthy way to steward one’s voice, to point beyond oneself — to things that matter to other people.

This ties a little bit to a deeper question:

• Who or what do I represent? 

It might seem like a strange or silly question, but think about it!  Because sometimes when we realize that we represent not just ourselves, but our family or organization or culture in certain contexts, our responsibility is to them as well.  So we may be called to put ourselves forward as spokespeople at certain times, when everything inside of us might be screaming, “I don’t want this!”  I’ve been in some situations where I knew that my actions to represent others would appear self-promoting, and I knew that nobody would understand my true motives.  And I had to be okay with being misunderstood.  In a strange twist on self-absorption, sometimes we have to lose our self-consciousness in order to put ourselves forward and do the right thing in those cases.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not prone to the temptations of ego.  I definitely am!  In that light, here’s another question:

• Do I feel like I’m entitled to a platform or voice, or is it a responsibility that sobers me?

Especially if we’re minorities or have felt like we haven’t had a voice for most of our lives, we can become intoxicated with the power we can have, once we start to use our voice.  If we’ve fought for the opportunity to speak or represent something, we can feel a sense of entitlement for our platform.  But we MUST NEVER let that happen!  As our voice or influence grows stronger, we must be:

- more (not less) aware of our own sinfulness and greed

- more (not less) willing to give away any power we might have, in empowering others, and

- more (not less) proactive in being interested in other people, rather than ourselves only

That’s because it will only get harder.  If we’re drawing people to ourselves, or find that people are coming to us, we better be taking EXTRA care for who we are, and what we represent.  Influence is something to steward, and it will test us to the core of our integrity.  It should.  Are you thinking about that?  Are you ready?  Because as I said before, you have a platform and a voice to steward (especially if you’re a leader), whether you know it or not!

• Am I wrestling with what it means to be a spokesperson, or to have a platform?  Am I seeking help and prayer?

To some degree, I think it’s healthy to always wrestle a bit with these issues.  From what I’ve seen of others, it’s usually not good to become too comfortable.  One thing we can always do, is to ask for help and prayer.  I believe God will honor that.

• How freely do I give, in addition to receiving?  Am I willing to serve and platform, as much as I enjoy being platformed by others?

On a practical level, I fight against self-absorption by trying to maintain a healthy balance between how much I focus on myself, and how much I focus on others online.  That means reading and commenting on other people’s blogs as much as I do on my own.  Or working to platform somebody else’s work as much as my own projects (it’s helped for me to work on a resource site, and staff community website, where highlighting others is the point).  Also, it’s helped for me to collaborate: half of the talks I’ve given, and major articles I’ve written have been with other people.  This is actually an intentional value that author Henri Nouwen applies in his book In the Name of Jesus — for ministers to speak in pairs, rather than alone when in front of an audience — to avoid the pitfalls of a “temptation to be spectacular.”  What a great way to counteract self-absorption!

So to conclude, it’s not simple to navigate the ethics of self, in an ever-changing world.  And self-absorption is a subtle and tempting foe, that can lure us from different angles.  We can mistake it for false humility, a boldness that stems from entitlement and ego, or other manifestations.  But through it all, we’ll be headed in the right direction, as long as we’re wrestling with these questions, and don’t minimize the power each of us has.  Because we all have a platform, so it’s not a matter of whether or not we have a voice.  It’s a matter of what we choose to do with it.

So what do you think?  How do you navigate these issues?  What do you struggle with online?  What have you found that helps you? 

What do you think gets mistakenly labeled as self-promotion?  And what kind of self-absorbed behavior doesn’t get called out enough?    

This is the second part of the topic, “Self-Absorption: The Biggest Problem Nobody Talks About.”  I hope that all readers, no matter what their vocation or beliefs, engage in helping me figure out this difficult topic.  Special thanks to my team leaders Brian and Margaret (and a coaching group I’m part of), for helping me process what’s below.  Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and learning from your insights!

Self-Servitude, Busyness, & Self-Control (How We Serve Ourselves & Others)

The tyranny of the urgent.  Many of us have heard of the phrase.  In the busyness of life, the task list grows, the inbox overflows, and it’s all we can do just to keep up.  The urgent rules our decisions and actions, rather than what’s most important.

What fails to get highlighted, though, is that what’s most urgent is often what’s most selfish.

Think about it.  When life gets full, and we have little to no margin, what will come first?  Our own needs.  Self-servitude.  One might call it the “tyranny of self.”

Of course, on a certain level this is understandable.  We often can’t serve others effectively, if we’re not in good shape ourselves.

But I’d point out two things here.

First, self-servitude too often becomes a pattern in our lives, that can and will define how we lead and relate to people. Yes, there will be seasons when circumstances force us to prioritize taking care of ourselves, whether it’s illness, a newborn in the house, an unexpected accident or project, and so on.  But if we find ourselves consistently putting our needs ahead of others, whether in work or in our families, we shouldn’t just blame the circumstances of life.  Instead, we need to look more deeply at our hearts, and the way we approach leadership (and life).

Part of what lies behind a self-serving dynamic is an underlying struggle for control, fueled by a lack of ability to handle the anxieties of life.  For example, one of my teammates frequently describes “task management leaders” who relate to their responsibilities primarily with a view to check boxes, and accomplish tasks as quickly and painlessly as possible.  So often in doing things this way, however, they are driven by what will make their own lives easier, and by a desire to avoid the anxiety that comes with task and communication build up.  But if this is our leadership paradigm, how can we truly see beyond ourselves in order to serve other people, or a greater good?  More often than not, this approach leads to short-sighted, oversimplified, and self-centered decision making.  Why?  Because long-term thinking about complex issues, and what will truly serve other people, sometimes creates more work and takes longer.  And the last thing a task management leader wants is more on his or her plate.

This is a form of self-absorption that’s slightly different from the self-obsession of narcissism.  Here, the question isn’t so much “What will this do for me?” (as in the last post), but rather, “What will this do to me?”  In contrast, a servant leader will ask, “What is the right thing to do, or what will be best for others or the greater picture, regardless of how it affects me?”

The second thing I want to point out is that busyness is often self-imposed, and that too can be selfish, though it’s rarely seen in that light.  One thing I’ve noticed while working in ministry, is how many people enjoy being busy, because it’s a sign of productivity and worth.  Since there are so many needs around us, it’s quite possible to fill our time and schedule with activities and commitments, just to fill our need for validation.  But as described earlier, busyness can inhibit our capacity to truly serve others, and often by filling our task lists compulsively, we’ve effectively chosen to create our own lack of margin!

So what to do about this form of self-absorption, that consumes us in our own worlds, and prevents us from true servant leadership? 

One thing I’ve been learning this year through one of my coaches is a new way of thinking about self-control.  So often, we look at self-control in light of resisting evil urges, or even shutting down emotions.  But I think we need to start seeing self-control as a loving discipline of servant leadership, whereby one resists temptation to max out one’s capacity with self-serving or self-absorbed projects.  I believe self-control means a refusal to make decisions solely by what makes our lives easier, whether at home or at work.

For me, that means a number of things.  It’s having the maturity to discern what I’m not called to do, though I’m tempted by an opportunity, or flattered by somebody’s request to do something.  In the ministry world, that’s harder to do than we might think, since our jobs require us to be fairly versatile in speaking, writing, and teaching on a diverse range of topics.  It’s being able to consistently say no (and that means very often!), in order to focus on our biggest priorities, and leave enough margin to be able to not only respond in a timely manner to the needs of others, but to anticipate those needs and provide the kind of quality leadership that people deserve.

Note: One small example of something that Jenny and I do to fight against self-absorption: every night when we pray together, at least 75% of the time we make it a point to pray for somebody else besides ourselves.  It’s really hard to do this, when life is full and we are consumed with dozens of our own concerns, but we’ve made it into a habit.  And we’ve actually found it often feels freeing to think and care about others during these times.  It brings perspective.

When I think about the past decade, there have been far too many seasons when I was in survival mode, and I had little margin to serve anyone or anything outside of the projects that were ruling my life.  If I’m honest, that was self-absorption… how could I possibly have been in a position to provide thoughtful or timely leadership, when all I could handle was finishing the tasks in front of me?  And I see this in ministry leaders everywhere.  Its effects are clear — their responsiveness in communication slows, they have problems following through (or settle for shortcuts), and their relationships suffer, whether at work or home.

You know the craziest thing, though?  At the end of it all, many of us shake our heads and simply say, “That’s life!” as if this has little to do with our choices, or approach to leadership and life.  Some may even view their busyness with some twisted sense of satisfaction, that they were so “in demand” that they just weren’t able to keep up.  But that’s a totally self-absorbed mindset, and even more than that, it’s just plain wrong.

Again, don’t read this as claiming it’s somehow wrong to be busy.  We should be intentional about using our time towards effectiveness.  But if we’re not careful to exercise self-control, we can easily end up in a pattern of self-servitude, where we can’t see outside of our own world of task-elimination.  And that can quickly become a very small world, that prevents us from perceiving or embracing bigger leadership moments and opportunities.  And who pays the price, when we miss these moments?  Not us.  Those we serve. 

I hope I’m communicating well enough, that this isn’t just about time and priorities.  How we serve ourselves and others ultimately stems from a much deeper place; it does flow from how we see ourselves and others.  In so many self-serving decisions that are made, do you see the undercurrent of power and privilege (and sometimes even entitlement) that’s there?  But God holds us accountable, for all we do and neglect to do.  Consider these words from one of my favorite passages, Ezekiel 34:

This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves!  Should not shepherds take care of the flock?  You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock… therefore, because my shepherds cared for themselves rather than for my flock… I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock.  I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves.  I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.

I get goosebumps when I read these words.  Because of their truth, and how humbled it should make every leader who reads them.  God isn’t looking at time and efficiency paradigms; He’s looking at our hearts!  This is a stewardship issue… and if we fail to serve others because we’re too preoccupied taking care of ourselves, that’s an abuse of leadership power.  Let’s never underestimate what we’re entrusted with in leadership.  Never.

So the next time you hear the phrase “tyranny of the urgent,” don’t just assume it’s due to the inevitabilities of life.  If we’re honest, our leadership and life might be ruled by a “tyranny of the self.”  For the sake of others and God… and for our own sakes, let’s have the courage and integrity to reevaluate how we’re approaching life and leadership.  Like all forms of self-absorption, the problem often has more to do with us, than we realize.

So what do you think?  What else can help us become less self-absorbed in the way we serve?

Questions for further reflection or discussion:

• List a few things in your life that are most non-urgent and important.  Now list a few things that you consider to be most pressing and urgent.

• Looking at both lists, how much of each pertains to serving you and your needs?  How much pertains to serving others and their needs?  What kind of conclusions can you draw from these observations?

• When have you felt like you were in “survival mode”?  How did it impact your decisions, the people around you, and your leadership?

• How often do you find yourself thinking, or evaluating things by the question, “What will this do to me?” as opposed to “What is going to do right by others?”  If it helps, think about various leadership situations you’ve faced (i.e. a significant decision to be made, an underlying problem or conflict that’s been brought to your attention, an opportunity to platform or serve another person, etc.).

• To what degree is busyness a source of pride for you?  Which, if any activities or responsibilities might you have taken on mainly to feel productive or useful?

• What kind of steps can you take to build self-control, so as to maintain enough margin to truly serve other people?

This is the first post in the topic, “Self-Absorption: The Biggest Problem Nobody Talks About.”  I hope that all readers, no matter what their vocation or beliefs, engage in helping me figure out this difficult topic.  Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and learning from your insights!

What Is Self-Absorption?

What does it mean to be self-absorbed?  Is it the same as selfishness?  Narcissism?  Self-promotion?  Or is it just the result of the overwhelming circumstances of life?

First, I want to say that I feel totally inadequate to write about this topic.  There are many times I’ve been the worst culprit of what I’m exploring here.  And I’m still in process on most of this, so this is just the first step to get the topic out there, so others can help me make sense of it.

Second, I’m shocked at how little discussion there is about self-absorption.  It’s one of the most common dynamics I’ve seen in ministry and life, and yet I don’t see a lot of clear leadership over the topic.  I can guess why… it’s hard to recognize and hard to point out, in our own (or others’) leadership and lives.  It’s complex, as there’s not just one manifestation of it, but many.

So I want to begin by exploring self-absorption from three angles in the next three posts.  They will include:

• Self-obsession & narcissism (how we see ourselves & others)
• Self-servitude, busyness, & self-control (how we serve ourselves & others)
• Self-promotion, culture, & integrity (humility, boldness, and stewardship in a changing world)

Well, here we go.  First post is below…

Self-Obsession & Narcissism (How We See Ourselves & Others)

When the Wall Street Journal published the article, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” featuring excerpts from Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, it seemed everybody had a reaction — from agreement to judgment to anger.  How can you say one culture has a better approach than another?  How could you ever call your children “garbage”?

Later, Chua professed that her book had been misrepresented, and Tiger Mother was intended as a memoir; almost a confessional, of her attempts and failures in parenting.  Self-mocking or not, Chua benefited from all the publicity.  Her book shot up the New York Times bestseller list, and the WSJ article generated more than 7,000 comments, more than any other article in the history of the publication’s website.

What was revealed through this controversy, wasn’t too far from what was captured inside the pages of the book — that Chua, as one New York Times reviewer put it — “never fails to make herself [the] center of attention.”  Here was one of the clearest examples of narcissism. 

On a certain level, one might think, “Narcissism?  What could be more selfless than parenting?”  But it’s so easy to take something that should be about somebody else, and make it about oneself.  And that’s at the heart of self-absorption: always wanting or needing to see oneself as the center of things.

Maybe it’s competitive parenting, in enrolling one’s children in every special class, hoping they will be considered “gifted” or “advanced,” because that’s a sign of one’s own success in raising them.  Maybe it’s in pushing them to learn more quickly than they seem to be developing, because it’s embarrassing to always be “one step behind” in conversations with friends and colleagues.  I once worked as a high school counselor, and still remember when one father asked me, “How many vocabulary words are you assigning to my friend’s children to learn?  Give my son twice as many!”

This temptation can be insidious among Asian Americans.  A healthy wish to provide one’s children with every opportunity one did not have, turns into competing to succeed through their achievements.

But narcissism doesn’t just appear in parenting.  It shows up in dating relationships that use the other party for one’s own pleasure, image, or status.  Or work projects that become about one’s own advancement in position or power within an organization.  So if we can’t see how a relationship or project will help us, or if it doesn’t give us the regard or involvement we want for ourselves, the temptation is to disengage.  The common question (before making decisions) becomes, “How will this help me?”

Or self-absorption can be found in everyday interactions.  I once spent the better part of a 90 minute lunch listening to an acquaintance talk about himself, without him asking me even a single question.  And I don’t think he even noticed!  And this can happen online also, as people are tempted to over-focus on their own social media profile or website.  Sometimes people seem to be so consumed by their own interests and world, that they struggle to see outside of that.  It’s often not necessarily malicious.  But the results can be toxic, if we don’t recognize and do something about it.

So what can we do, considering that all of us are prone to self-absorption?  I think much wisdom can be found in the mythological tale that originated the term, “narcissism.”

According to the ancient Roman poet Ovid, Narcissus was a hunter renowned for his beauty, and exceptionally proud.  Knowing this, the goddess Nemesis attracted him to a pool, where he saw his own reflection in the waters and fell in love with it.  Unable to take his eyes off the beauty of his image, Narcissus died.

This story reveals one very simple lesson: when we are self-absorbed, we simply don’t recognize it.  After all, that’s the very definition of self-absorption.  We need to have people in our lives, who will help us identify the problem, and then have the courage to tell us. 

In Narcissus’ tale, he had many followers, but their admiration only enabled his dysfunctionality, and ultimately his death.  One of the most tragic characters in this myth (who few hear about) is Echo, a nymph who fell in love with Narcissus, following him around the woods.  After he shunned her, she spent the rest of her life pining away in heartbreak, crying until all that was left was her voice.

When I read this story, I can’t help but think of all the pastors and ministry leaders who have influenced so many lives, but are some of the loneliest people on earth.  Surrounded by followers who support (or repeat) their every word and position, as Echo did, they are crying out for friends who will challenge them and say what they really need to hear.

A great example of such a friend comes from one of my favorite movies, Shadowlands, about the life of author and philosopher C.S. Lewis (played by Anthony Hopkins).  He had developed a relationship with Joy, a blunt American (played by Debra Winger) who was an admirer of his work.  After they had grown closer together, Joy confronted Lewis about how much of his lifestyle served to boost his own ego, as a teacher and speaker and writer.  She told him, “I’ve only now just seen it.  How you’ve arranged a life for yourself, where no-one can touch you.  Everyone that’s close to you is either younger than you, or weaker than you, or under your control… I don’t know that we are friends, not the way you have friends anyway.”  She had identified the central problem of narcissism, which is thinking that other people exist to serve our needs, make us look better, or otherwise help us achieve what we want for ourselves.  And that can be found in any parent, leader, or public figure, if they don’t take proper care.

Of course, Lewis didn’t like hearing Joy’s message, and it shook up his world in a good way, as he began to see his self-absorption.  But this only happened because Joy loved him enough to see the insecure and lonely man behind the famous author.  She saw that behind all his brilliant ideating, Lewis was just a child in the world of honest and intimate relationships.

I think leaders can learn a lot from Lewis’ example.  You don’t have to be a renowned author to struggle with the challenges of a public platform that can lead to self-obsession — especially in this age of social media, blogs, and the Internet.  You don’t have to be a brilliant philosopher to fall in love with your own ideas, skills, or doctrinal positions… whether you’re a leader in education, business, or ministry.  How tempting is it to surround ourselves only with people who will tell us what we want to hear?  How tempting is it treat other people as a supporting cast to our wishes and dreams, especially when they shower us with respect, attention, and encouragement?

But deep inside, we long for more than that, don’t we?  We long to be known and loved for who we really are, in all our flaws and insecurities.  We long to be in true community that challenges us to grow.  We know that we need other people, not to further our ends, but because they teach us shades of life we couldn’t see on our own. What would it have looked like for Narcissus to have had a friend, like Lewis had in Joy, instead of Echo, who only enabled his vanity and isolation?

So what is the key to confronting toxic self-absorption?  The first step is recognizing its presence, in whatever areas of your life it may appear.  None of us are immune, and I have to constantly examine myself as I make decisions relating to my family, work, online activity, and much more.  Do you have people in your life who will be truly honest with what they see in your life?  Do you have mentors in your life, or anyone to help keep you accountable?  Do you seek that out?

Second, as you identify your struggles, bring others into them.  They may have no clue that you feel lonely or isolated, since they see you surrounded by friends and apparent support.

Finally, be willing to be a friend to others, who may be struggling with these things as well.  Be willing to have the hard conversations.

The stakes are high.  Don’t forget that the story of Narcissus is incredibly tragic, as it ends in his death.  In some versions of the myth, he commits suicide.  Self-absorption has its roots in too many stories of leaders who leave their congregations or jobs because of some affair or scandal, as they seek for an intimacy they couldn’t find.  It results in too many parents who disown their children who never lived up to their expectations, and children who spend years healing from that trauma.

As humans, we were created to think not just of ourselves, but of other people.  Healthy, mutual relationships testify to the incomparable joy that comes from caring for somebody more than ourselves.  Through true intimacy, we grow far beyond what we could ourselves imagine.  Through true community, our small worlds are expanded.

So what do you think?  What else can help us recognize, and be set free from an unhealthy view of self and others?

Questions for further reflection or discussion:

• In what areas of life (parenting, work, online interactions, etc.) do you find yourself the most prone to self-absorption?  What are some of your honest struggles with this?

• Before you make decisions (i.e. about your schedule, priorities, or work projects), how much do you find yourself wondering or asking, “What will this do for me?”  How do you see this impacting your life and leadership?

• Think of three people in your life who are not impressed by you, but regularly tell you the truth (i.e. are willing to disagree with you, say things you might not like to hear).  What steps can you take to seek this out more?  Do you have mentors who keep you accountable?

• Knowing what you know about the dangers of isolation and self-absorption, who else in your life might be facing these temptations?  How can you support them as a true friend?  Consider sharing your own struggles with them, or addressing some of these issues in your family, team, or organization.

This month is the two-year mark since we started this blog!  Since it’s the beginning of a new year, we wanted to continue our annual practice of recapping highlights from the previous year, from serious to non-serious.  This year we’re doing it in “award” format.  Hope it’s entertaining for you!

Top Five Pictures of 2011:

#5.   So imagine finding this on the ground outside your house.  Not exactly the most encouraging thing to see, huh?  Fortunately, we haven’t seen any scorpions since.

# 4.   There’s a chapel in southern California, and outside they have a walkway of brick “dedications” that married couples (or family members of those who passed away) can engrave.  We thought this one was particularly funny, especially with the typo!

# 3.   Every spring, we like to go see the cherry blossoms, or sakura.  This past year, the sky above had a really gentle swirl of clouds, and when I looked up, the flowers seemed to create a painting with the clouds and sky… I’m sure this would look much better if Photoshopped a bit.

# 2.   This summer, we were in Colorado, and spotted this sign for a special called a “Bruce Lee Salad.”  I was pretty shocked at how blatant it was, with the forks, vegetables, and Hello Kitty sticking out of his hair.  Reminded me that Asian American stereotyping and insensitivity are still mainstream and  accepted enough to find their way into something like a dish at a popular salad restaurant chain.

#1.   We went with some friends to a U2 concert this summer, and waited for hours to get a good “seat” in the general admission  (standing only) area on the floor.  It was chaotic, though, with lots of the crowd pushing us to get in and out.  My friend and I got so annoyed that they were bothering our wives, that we had to be very firm and got into several rather heated conversations with people.  To top it all off, these guys were also shoving their way through, yelling about pizza they were trying to sell… it was so absurd that it gave us a laugh, and even the pizza guy seemed to understand the situation.  He posed for the camera!

But of course, it was all worth it.  We got very close to the stage, and it was an unbelievable show.  Here’s a picture from our view:

Honorable Mention # 1: We heard a thud on our window, and saw outside that this little bird had crashed, and was so stunned it couldn’t move.  So we protected it in a shoebox, until it regained its strength and flew away.  But look at the amazing colors and intricate design, that we were able to photograph because it allowed us to get so close!

Honorable Mention # 2: While watching one of the major tennis tournaments, I saw this statistic on the screen, and it made such little sense that I had to take a picture.  It was comical how inaccessible it was to the common viewer.  I challenge you to explain its meaning in everyday language.

Honorable Mention # 3: I saw this cloud formation shielding the sun one day at the beach, and thought it was amazing.  Again, wish I had a better camera lens to capture it better.

Top Five Restaurants of 2011:

# 5.   We visited San Diego, and went to this market that gets fish fresh throughout the day.  They sell seafood, but also make these sandwiches from the fillets, and it was just amazing.  I don’t even like seafood that much, but I would go back to eat the yellowtail sandwich over and over… it was that good.

El Pescador Fish Market & Restaurant

627 Pearl Street
La Jolla, CA 92037
(858) 456-2526
www.elpescadorfishmarket.com

# 4.   This is a small brunch place in Colorado that serves southern-style food.  They’re known for their beignets, which were good, but I felt they were a bit dense and doughy.  What was tastier was their homemade biscuits and jam… oh, and the brunch entrees were really tasty and authentic.  I got some kind of plate with red beans, grits, eggs with Hollandaise sauce, and potatoes.  One of the best places we’ve been to this year.

Lucile’s Creole Cafe

400 South Meldrum Street
Fort Collins, CO 80521-2630
(970) 224-5464

www.luciles.com

# 3.   On a very special occasion, we decided to try one of Los Angeles’ most highly regarded restaurants, Lucques, for lunch.  We had seen it featured on the Food Network’s “The Best Thing I Ever Ate.”  The recommended dish was the beef short ribs, which I ordered.  I have to say, I’m frequently disappointed by dishes that get overhyped on food television, but this one did not let me down.  It wasn’t just tender, but you could really taste the depth of flavor in the meat, that comes from all the cooking time in a wonderfully balanced braising sauce.  I probably wouldn’t order anything else, if I ever went back.

Lucques Restaurant

8474 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90069
(323) 655-6277
www.lucques.com

# 2.  I still think my favorite food in the world is Peking Duck, and no matter how many places I try it, I still think the best place to get it is in Monterey Park, California.  Our go-to place is Empress Harbor Restaurant, and it always comes out right: crispy skin and juicy duck meat… the way it should be!

Empress Harbor Restaurant

111 N Atlantic Blvd # 350
Monterey Park, CA 91754-1579

(626) 300-8833
www.empressharbor.com

# 1.  But our best meal of 2011, had to be in New York, where we visited one of Jenny’s best friends’ favorite spots, Second Avenue Deli.  This Jewish deli isn’t as famous as Katz’s, but it should be.  Of  course, they’re best known for their amazing pastrami sandwiches, but everything that do there is top notch, from the matzo ball soup to the potato latkes, to other meats like  the corned beef.  Just look at the texture of that meat, and tell me you don’t want to try it.  It’s pretty pricey for a sandwich, but it’s one of those places that I consider totally worth the money.  I’ve tried a fair number of Jewish delis now, throughout the country, and this is the best one I’ve been to… though despite the name, it’s not located on 2nd Avenue!

Second Avenue Deli

162 E 33rd St
New York, NY 10016
(212) 689-9000
www.2avedeli.com

Honorable Mentions:

Thought I’d post some pictures of dishes we cooked in 2011.  Write in to let us know if you want the recipes!

• Broiled salmon with tomato and basil dressing

• Rigatoni with chicken bolognese sauce

• Chicken piccata with fried capers

• Asian-style stuffed peppers, swiss chard with bacon and garlic

• Pear tart

Top Four Lessons We Learned in 2011:

# 4.   Blogging and writing takes discipline and is hard work.  Especially when you’re trying to write about complex topics in a way that’s sensitive to as many people as possible.  Writing is kind of glorified sometimes, but I’ve discovered that I only write based on pure inspiration about 20% of the time or less.  The rest of the time, I’m pushing through it when I don’t feel like it, or don’t think I can adequately express something.  What’s even harder (for me) is online networking and social media consistency, etc.  Our blog probably violates a hundred “best practices”: long posts, few videos, not enough publicizing.  But what does keep me motivated is focusing on making our content good and writing about topics that matter to us, and seem to matter to other people.

That being said, here are the top 3 posts of 2011.  I only included 3 because there were probably only 10 posts in 2011.  ; )

Embracing Tension and Complexity (Thoughts on a Name Change)

Envy, Competition, and Comparison

Six Postures of Ethnic Minority Culture Towards Majority Culture

(originally hosted here, but now posted with full text on this page!)

Thanks to all you who are reading and engaging our blog!  I want to resolve to post at least 50 times this year.  That’s what… 5 times the production of 2011?!  Oh well, it’s a goal to shoot for!  And by the way, I’m using the pronouns “we” and “I” dysfunction-ally in this post, because I’m still holding out hope that Jenny will eventually write more often!  One can only hope… (public pressure doesn’t hurt either)  ; )

Oh, and before I forget, time for my favorite part of the annual blog review section… the funniest searches that led to our blog in 2011:

“evil, like good, has its heros” (nice that our blog can be a source for those looking for evil heroes)
“fre food if the lakers score a 100 points” (something tells me this person doesn’t know the rules at lakers games)
“30 seconds with adrian and jenny” (great idea for a podcast! not)
“a place for the open minded” (I’m actually happy a search like this led to us)
“did i go through maturity at 24″ (first, what does this mean. second, why are you searching for this answer online)
“jéney adrián”
“jennie vs adrina”
“jingle bell rock pei” (NO clue how this led to us)
“why people call me yao ming”
“кубинское кафе”
“פליטי וייטנאם בישראל

Looking forward to fulfilling more absurd search queries in 2012!  Where were we… oh, lessons learned in 2011.  Next…

# 3.   Leadership is often NOT what we think it is.  To the point that there are countless people in leadership positions who aren’t really leading.  I know I’m not qualifying or describing what I mean here.  But let me just say that this year, I learned how much about leadership I did not know, and how much I still have to learn and grow in it.  If you want to know more about what I mean, look out for future posts here, and I’m sure it’ll be fleshed out more as we process and learn together.

# 2.   The importance of modeling.  No, not fashion modeling.  As I look at my life, I realize that most of why I’m able to grow and change in certain areas, is because I’ve been blessed to be around people who model maturity to me, whether in areas of conflict resolution, emotions, servant and empowering leadership, and so on.  I’ve just been fortunate to be around some amazing environments!  So often when we grow and learn, it’s easy to be judgmental of others who live in dysfunctions that we can now see more clearly.  But I’m learning that many simply haven’t been in situations where they have had healthy models or options presented to them, to choose.  And that makes me humble, not proud… and more committed than ever to try to communicate and live out what I’ve learned, to model what was first modeled to me!

# 1.   Gratitude for life.  I got into a bad car accident this past year, and miraculously survived without a scratch.  There’s more I could say about my family and how grateful we are for life, but I don’t post much about that here to respect them.  But when I consider our family that supports us so much, friends who have stuck with us and kept us honest, and a team of coworkers that represent the values I treasure and admire most in this world, there’s a lot to be thankful for.

So wishing you a 2012 full of joy, peace, laughter, and meaning… and thank you to all who read our blog, whether we’ve met you or not!  Come back soon for some topics and discussions we’re super excited to write and dialogue about!         

- Adrian and Jenny

In light of a year that’s made me remember to not take anything (or anyone) for granted, I hope this post encourages you, as you anticipate opportunities to share your appreciation to those you love this holiday season!

Love Does not Hesitate, It Anticipates * (Appreciation as Leadership)

What does it mean to have a culture of appreciation in your family, team, or organization?  Do you see appreciation as icing on the cake, or a vital quality of leadership?

I was shocked when I first started to make connections between my experience of leadership, and my family background.  I was sitting talking to a counselor many years ago, expressing my hurt that one of my leaders hadn’t acknowledged a project I had poured many hours into.

“How was appreciation expressed in your family, while you were growing up?” he asked.

And as I thought about it, I realized a few things.  My father, influenced by his own parents, found it difficult to express his emotions freely, and didn’t express many opinions about my decisions.  As a child, I longed for more input, whether negative or positive.  And this had strongly impacted the way I viewed others, who were in leadership roles in my life.  Subconsciously, I looked to my leaders to provide what I felt was incomplete from my childhood.

It’s amazing how consistently I’ve seen this in others’ lives as well.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen with tears in their eyes, after one of their leaders told them, “I’m proud of you.”  Many, especially Asian Americans, can’t remember the last time they’ve heard that from anybody, let alone their parents.  And this pattern of non-expressiveness can continue in leadership situations, as one leader told me: “I grew up not receiving affirmation or expression of emotions in my family, so I learned to not expect them.  And it’s that much harder to give it as a leader, when I’m not used to it myself.”

Let’s be clear.  As leaders, we don’t want to reinforce a paternalistic relationship, where others become dependent on us, as opposed to taking responsibility for their own lives and decisions.  However, I think we often underestimate the significance of how others are impacted by our actions, or non-actions.  As I discovered, sometimes it’s linked to emotions and pains far deeper than we tend to consider!  We must consider this as part of people’s stories as we seek to lead.  One way we can steward the power of leadership is through timely appreciation of others, but I’ve found a surprising lack of this in Asian American ministry contexts.

I mention “timely” because too often, appreciation is expressed only in reaction to what’s going on around us.  It happens “in the moment.”  Of course, there’s nothing wrong with spontaneity, but true love doesn’t wait for others to bring attention to a person who deserves appreciation.  It’s not reactive.  It’s thoughtful.  It’s the first to see.  It anticipates.

When I think of my life, some of the most meaningful words or acts of appreciation I’ve received haven’t been linked to an occasion.  I still remember every word of a note my high school English teacher wrote me.  I’ll never forget the heartfelt letter my father sent me while he was traveling, saying that he missed me.  Or the time a good college friend swung by my dorm room to see how I was doing, although I lived far away from everyone else that he knew.  Or a book of affirmations my wife gave me to read every day.  That’s thoughtfulness and intentionality… that’s leadership rooted in love.

Earlier this month while I was praying for my team, our team leader Margaret came to mind.  She’s one of those people who consistently sees and anticipates opportunities to appreciate those around her.  She doesn’t just go along with the crowd in noticing the most popular or visible people, but sees those who are quiet; those whom nobody is paying attention to.  She understands they are often the ones who need appreciation the most.

And she has been working so hard in the past few months, tirelessly serving our team and the people in our ministry.  I know so many of us are grateful for her, but I wasn’t sure how many of us had told her that.

So I thought of asking all our staff to write in some notes to encourage her, but still I hesitated.  Was there really an occasion for this?  What about other people, who deserve appreciation as well?

But then I realized, those are not my questions to answer.  Here’s an opportunity to speak love to a dear friend and leader, who could really use encouragement right now, and we can’t let that pass us by.

So late last week, our team took turns reading our words to Margaret, and there were many tears of appreciation.  It was a special moment for all of us, honoring someone so close to all our hearts.

Before I gave her the book to read of all the compiled notes from our staff, I read these words to her: “Margaret, I admire the unique and beautiful person God created you to be, with all your mannerisms and quirks.  You have served others selflessly and faithfully, in ways many of us will never know or see.  You have taught me what leadership really means.

Over the past few years, you have served as much more than a mentor to me, but a confidant, and a true friend.  I hope by the end of our lives, long after our time together in Epic, that we will count one another as among our closest friends. 

When I invited our staff to write in to share notes of encouragement to you, my inbox overflowed.  There was no hesitation… and I believe that is a testament to how deeply you have touched the people in your life.  Their words and response are an overflow of their hearts, which hold such gratitude for all you are.

I pray as you read and hear all of our words to you, that you don’t minimize what this means, but know that God is rejoicing, like He did the day you came into this world.  To honor you, is to honor Him.  As all our words testify, we appreciate and love you.”

Our family did something similar for my father, just before he underwent surgery earlier this year.  I had never seen him cry as much as he did that afternoon.  And he told us, “This is the first time anybody has ever done something like this for me.  Most of my friends and relatives who wrote in have never expressed those things to me.”

These are moments I won’t ever forget, but it strikes me how easily they could have not happened.  They weren’t urgent, nor “necessary.”  But I can think of few things that could be more important.

So I challenge you to think about it.  Who in your life could use encouragement, and appreciation right now?  And when you think of them, don’t hesitate… tell them!  The other week, Jenny was telling me how much she admired her friend, who was “graceful” in every sense of the word.  I responded, “Have you told her that?  I’m sure she’d love to hear that from you.”  And Jenny did.  We can do a lot of good, if we don’t let these moments pass us by.  And it doesn’t have to be fancy or a huge endeavor… a simple e-mail or call can mean far more than we imagine.

Here are a few things I’m personally working on in this area: carving out some time in my prayers and thoughts to give thanks for people in my life, and then sending e-mails to let those people know what I’m grateful for.  It’s a discipline to not let those thoughts pass me by, but to act on them.  But it’s been incredibly important and rewarding.

Can we get into the habit of seeing appreciation as real opportunities for timely leadership, instead of just reacting to what we see happening around us?  Can we move from seeing appreciation as an added bonus or token “pat on the back,” but a stewardship of power that can bring healing to hurting lives?

How do we create a culture of appreciation in our families, teams, and organizations?  It’s not an easy question, but I believe it starts with our own lives and families, as we understand our upbringings and our own longings.  I believe it starts with each of us thoughtfully seeking out opportunities to meaningfully affirm others — as parents, children, friends, and leaders.

Appreciation is leadership, because true leadership is rooted in love, and I’ve come to see that love does not hesitate.  It anticipates.

* inspired by my close college friend

Questions for further reflection or discussion:

• How was appreciation expressed in your family, when you were growing up?  What do you feel was missing, that you wish you had?
• What do you hope or expect from the leaders in your life?  Name a time you feel your leader/s disappointed you, or let you down.  What connections do you see with your family upbringing?
• As a leader, what steps can you take to encourage a culture of appreciation in your own family, team, or other context?
• Think of two people in your life whom you’re grateful for, and write down reasons why.  Call or e-mail to tell them!

A study just came to my attention from DJ Chuang and David Park about how the younger generation (the so-called “Millennials,” born post-1980, ages 18-30) sees and understands race in America, called “Don’t Call Them Post-Racial.”  This is a fascinating and significant study on many levels, but what struck me most was how the younger generation is already grasping issues that many of us are still debating in ethnic ministry circles.  This is sobering to me, but also a reminder that there is a moment here to lead, and we can’t afford to miss it.

Here are some highlights from the study:

• The study showed that though the millennial generation is the most ethnically diverse ever, race is as important as ever to people.  This is important because some have labeled current or future generations as “post-racial,” implying that race doesn’t matter as much to people anymore.  I’ve had this conversation with many people who theorize that increased diversity and polyculturalism will inevitably lead to increased assimilation.  But the study reveals quite the opposite.  Even an increased openness to interracial dating did not mean a lack of appreciation for distinctness or differences.  There was even sympathy from some minorities “for the loss of whiteness in the traditional American identity!”  This to me reveals an incredible recognition and appreciation for culture and its dignity.

• The study showed that the millennial generation sees racism and justice issues not just as interpersonal, but systemic.  Here’s an excerpt: “Our focus groups’ deeper discussions revealed that a structural understanding of racism—of racism as something that grows out of political and economic systems rather than individual animus—is not completely lost on this generation.”  This is huge, as it speaks to issues of power that are often ignored or minimized in ministry circles.  Interestingly, minorities in the study identified this more than those of the majority culture, which is not surprising when you understand the dynamics of power.  Those who haven’t experienced the pain of being on the margins of unjust systems will be slower to acknowledge their reality.  But these issues are on people’s minds, and affect their lives!  The study quotes Asian Americans addressing education systems and the meaning and fairness of “opportunity,” which was also the topic of a recent article about “checking the ‘Asian box’ as an ethnicity” in college admissions applications.

• One of the articles accompanying the study reveals what youth are doing in response to issues of race and ethics.  It features a group called the Asian/Pacific Islander Youth Promoting Advocacy & Leadership (AYPAL), which is proactively seeking to introduce an ethnic studies curriculum into the Oakland Unified School District.  Here’s an excerpt about why:  “AYPAL has been working with allies and conducting outreach in the Bay Area for 13 years. After sending out a survey to search for solutions to problems plaguing youth in the area—isolation, racism, inter-generational tension, sexism—the group’s organizers got an interesting response from teachers, students and community members: The best way to ease tensions would be to introduce an ethnic studies curriculum in the Oakland Unified School District. ‘We don’t know about each other’s histories,’ says Armael Malinis, lead organizer. Malinis believes dropout rates and school violence can be attributed to the fact that Oakland’s student body, which is overwhelmingly students of color, doesn’t see school as culturally relevant. ‘Incorporating ethnic studies into the curriculum allows them to feel connected.’ As a youth-led organization focused on base-building and empowerment, AYPAL looks to students to guide their campaigns. ‘Those who are deeply impacted by racism … are the ones who can come up with creative solutions,’ added Malinis.  What a picture of empowerment and leadership here!

There’s a lot more in the study, but what’s most important here is that those of us in ministry can’t fall behind here.  We can’t lead if we’re consistently slow to recognize some of these truths that are being widely grasped by younger generations, which are the generations of our future leaders!   One sobering comment I read in the study was from Andy, a 19-year-old white male.  In response to the shifting demographics of America, he said, “I don’t know anybody who’s angry or worried about it.  Maybe some crazy Christians.”  How many people out there think that Christians don’t value culture, and won’t treat ethnic minorities with dignity and respect?  I’m not that kind of Christian, and I don’t ever want to be seen that way!

I’m not saying that we are to become political or interweave every social issue with ministry, but we have to engage and speak into these issues, or we can’t truly lead.

For those of us in ethnic ministry, whether we’re minorities or part of the majority culture, there’s so much we can do. 

• We believe that diversity is a gift of God, not a detriment.  We have an opportunity to lead people in seeing their unique culture and history as valuable, not something to ignore or “move past.”  In doing this, we honor their stories, and help connect them to how God has created them uniquely and with dignity.

• We can also speak into ethical issues and justice, when it comes to disparities in race and class.  We can connect the younger generation to understanding that God cares not just about them as individuals, but about justice and redemption on bigger levels, including their culture and history.

These are issues that the younger generations are thinking about already, and certainly not just in circles of faith and ministry.  In fact, there’s probably more conversation and action outside religious contexts.  But these issues matter to God, as we’ve been talking about in ethnic ministry for years.  And we are called for that reason, but also because we have an opportunity to lead even those outside of our ministry sub-culture!  Can you imagine what it would look like for ethnic ministries to be among those at the forefront of leadership of cultural and ethical dialogue?

I encourage you to read these articles (and the study if you have time), and to discuss them in your teams, and to figure out how we can lead in the cultural and ethical issues of this generation.

This study to me reveals a moment, an opportunity for us, and I hope to God that we don’t miss it.

Here are the links to the study and articles:

• “Don’t Call Them Post-Racial” (Millennials Say Race Matters To Them) article
• “What’s Racism?  That’s Harder For Youth To Answer Than You Think” article
• “Youth Say Race Still Matters — So What Are They Doing About It?” article
• The study by the Applied Research Center (ARC)

Over the past four years, I’ve worked in ministry professionally.  And it’s been some of the most transformative years of my life.  I’ve met some amazing people, and I don’t think I could possibly be learning or growing more, as a person or as a leader, than where I am right now.  For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Working in ministry has also been humbling.  It’s hard work, and can be discouraging.  Ministers face the same temptations, and are just as flawed as people in any other profession.  And so along the way, I’ve observed and kept notes: on some of the most important topics that (in my view) threaten to poison our hearts, and keep us from true health and joy.  This series is written with ministry in mind, but certainly applies outside of religious contexts.  It’s not a comprehensive list, but mostly things that I’ve noticed get very little attention or airtime.

I want to write about them now, and I hope they help in some way.  I will try to post once a week.  The first post of the series is below… I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Envy, Competition, and Comparison

When was the last time you heard someone talk about envy or competition in ministry?  For me, it’s been a while.  It’s pretty taboo.  But as much as we may be hesitant to admit it, those of us in professional ministry struggle constantly with comparing ourselves to one another, or even to ourselves.  Do we measure up?

Maybe it’s the size of one’s church or congregation, or the influence and popularity that somebody else has.  Maybe it’s a person’s wealth or comfort, looks, or apparent happiness.  Envy seems to stem from a desire to have something that somebody else has, that you believe you want for yourself.  And deep inside our hearts, I believe we long for something more healthy and fulfilling than this.  So where do we go from there?

I believe at the core of competition there exists insecurity: that we are not good enough as we are.  And what accompanies this, surprisingly or not, is often a lack of awareness about who we are!

Perhaps one of the best examples of this comes from the movie, “Chariots of Fire,” about two British Olympic runners, Harold Abrahams and Eric Liddell.  Abrahams is strong-willed, intense, and has lived most of his life trying to prove himself through competitive running.  Liddell is also intense and principled, and finds himself torn between his love of running and his call to be a missionary in China.

One of the key distinctions illustrated in the movie is the reason that each man runs.  When asked if Abrahams loves to run, he responds, “I’m more of an addict.  It’s a compulsion; a weapon.”  After he loses a race for the first time in his life, he says, “I don’t run to take beatings.  I run to win.  If I can’t win, I won’t run.”  After commiserating with his girlfriend, he concludes that the only thing that can keep him going is to train, so that he can eventually beat Liddell.

Liddell, on the other hand, describes running as living out a central dimension of how God created him as a person, as he says famously in the movie: “I believe that God made me… fast.  And when I run, I feel His pleasure.  To give [running] up would be to hold Him in contempt.”

Contrary to what some might think, I don’t believe the movie really has much to do with Abrahams being Jewish and Liddell being Christian.  In fact, though I’m a Christian, in some ways I can relate to Abrahams more than Liddell, since part of Abrahams’ motivation is fueled by his reality as a minority, as he admits at one point.  I think the heart of the movie has to do with how we see ourselves and others, and the anxiety or peace that results from that. 

For many people in ministry (and in life), we are surrounded by a seemingly endless amount of needs and opportunities.  It often appears that there’s not enough time to do all that we want to do, or feel like we should do.  And when we finish one thing, there’s always something else waiting to be taken care of.  If we don’t have a clear sense of who we are, and our purpose (including what we were intended, and NOT intended to do), we can become overwhelmed by anxiety.  It’s similar to what Abrahams described as he reflected upon his upcoming race in the 100 meter dash: “Now in one hour’s time I’ll be out [on the race track] again.  I’ll raise my eyes and look down that corridor, four feet wide with ten lonely seconds to justify my own existence.  But will I?  I’ve known the fear of losing, but now I’m almost too frightened to win.”

Sometimes I wonder if our projects and missions can feel like each race did to Abrahams — always with something to prove, whether to ourselves or to others.  And when it passes, it’s on to the next project.  And the cycle continues.

Or this kind of insecurity can lead us to compare ourselves to others.  And like Abrahams discovered, there wasn’t just Liddell standing in his way, but a whole group of competitors who could beat him on any given day.  When we consider the things we think we want in life, there will always be somebody who appears to have more of it than we do — whether it’s money, friends, power, or influence.  But when we feel envious of others, I would pose two challenges:

Would we really be happy if we got what we think we want? 

Do we really want what we think we want?

When Abrahams saw Liddell run for the first time, he clenched his fist, riveted by the passion with which he ran.  He wanted what Liddell had, and so he hired the best coach he could find to help him become like (or better than) Liddell.  How often do we do this unknowingly: try to imitate somebody whom we admire, wanting the same “fruit” or “results” that we see them have?   I know I’ve done it before.

But Abrahams didn’t see that what Liddell had, was not something he could imitate, duplicate, or “beat.”  Liddell was simply living out who he was created to be, and Abrahams could never truly be Liddell.  And God didn’t want him to be… He wanted Abrahams to be himself!  Yes, Liddell was successful, but the key distinction is that for him, it wasn’t the results he coveted above running itself.  He ran because of who he knew he was, and the fruit and results flowed out of that.

“Chariots of Fire” provides a helpful lesson in portraying the contrast between Abrahams and Liddell.  When we truly grasp our unique identity and purpose, like Liddell did, our need for competition or comparison fades away… because we understand that we each have our own unique story to write.    

Ministry jobs are full of insecure people, just like in any profession, seeking to find their place and meaning in the world.  And I’ve come to see that the nature of our work lends itself just as much to anxiety and competitive feelings (if not more), as secular fields.  But what can secure us is knowing that there is a God who cares about each of us, and is weaving our backgrounds, gifts, and passions uniquely together like a master storyteller.  And when we realize and accept that this will look different for each person, we find peace and freedom from having to prove ourselves, imitate, or feel the need to “be better than” anyone else.

The image that always inspires me is that of Liddell at the end of the movie, running with his head lifted to the sky, as he “feels God’s pleasure.”  So what is it for you?  When do you feel God’s pleasure? 

What are some other perspectives that can free us from the poisonous spirit of envy, competition, and comparison?

Questions for further reflection or discussion:

• What do you wish you had, that you don’t currently have?
• In what areas do you most often find yourself comparing yourself to others?
• What kinds of fears or anxieties do you think lie behind these feelings?

Part of the article I referenced in the last post has a section called, “What is a Minority?”  Over the past few years, I’ve read many news articles and reports about the increasing population of ethnic minorities in the United States.  It’s estimated that within a generation, over 50% of our country’s population won’t be Caucasian anymore.  But what’s been most interesting is the variety of responses I’ve heard regarding that statistic.

Photograph by Clarence Chan

In extreme cases, some have responded with a sense of xenophobia.  In more subtle cases, I’ve had people from the majority culture joke with me, “Pretty soon, you’ll be taking over and I’ll be working for you.”  Or among other ethnic minorities, I’ve heard the phrase, “Things will be different soon, because we’ll be the majority.”

But what does it really mean to be a minority?  Does it have to do with numbers and statistics, or is it something deeper?  In the article, one thing we suggest is that a numerical minority is not the same as a sociological minority, which has to do with things like power, status, and privilege in society.  And one glaring example that stood out to me, is the example of women!  For many years, women have comprised at least 50% of the population in the United States, but think about how they have struggled for equality and rights.  If we understand this simple truth, we will never think that combining various ethnic minority groups to make up 50% of the population could somehow result in such dramatic power shifts.

It is true that the demographics in our country are changing, but the more important change is what happens in our hearts, regardless of how the numbers may play out.  If I’m the only man in a room full of women, I can stand there unaware, and assume that they are empowered just because they outnumber me.  Or I can seek to truly hear their voices and perspectives.

One of the unspoken highlights of the article we wrote, was the honor of working with and learning from, not just other ethnic minorities, but ethnic minority women whose reality has also included trying to wrestle with how to relate to a historically male-dominated majority culture.  I’ve heard a couple of responses from women who related to the article in terms of male-female dynamics.  And I hope those conversations continue, in addition to the ethnic ones.  We need to continue to understand “minorities” in light of more than just numbers and statistics, but examine the deeper parts of our hearts, attitudes, and actions.

Part of the work we get to do with Epic Movement is writing, and our team has been involved recently in two articles about how majority and minority cultures relate to each other.  I wanted to write a few thoughts about the process of writing on these topics, and what I’ve learned through it.

Growing up, I was exposed to many different cultures and perspectives: my father grew up in Japan, my mother grew up in Vietnam, and I have a Chinese American background.  That’s four cultural influences right there, not to mention that I lived in three different continents before I was five years old.  My family loved to travel, and we made friends from many different cultures in our neighborhoods.  Every day, my mother would cook various delicious ethnic foods.  She spoke seven different languages, and my father spoke three.  Although I didn’t know it at the time, there were so much richness to draw and learn from.

But nobody really asked me about these experiences, and I didn’t ask them about theirs.  Maybe we were too concerned about “just fitting in” socially, according to what we thought was popular.  And was being Asian American “cool”?  To be honest, that was the furthest thing from my mind, and from what I saw in society.  All I wanted to do sometimes was to convince others that I was just like them: that I listened to the same music, played and watched the same sports, and talked and acted like they did.

Photograph by Clarence Chan

That was my reality as an ethnic minority living in America: I was forced to wrestle with issues of identity, and how to relate to the majority culture around me, from a very early age.  And I still do.  As I get older and understand more of what’s happening around me, I wrestle with anger at discrimination and racism, with feeling hopeless at times at the devastating suicide rates within the communities of my culture, and with wanting to imitate others rather than be myself.  I’ve talked with countless others who share my struggles.  But what do we do with these feelings and experiences?  And who’s talking about them?

These are not easy things to talk or write about.  God knows how difficult it was for us to write these articles, and to choose the right words.  But we need to talk about these things.  We need to try.

Sometimes I look back on my past, and wish I had been able to process some of these feelings.  I wish I had known all the learning and growth I was missing, in the unique stories of each person around me.

In my work with Epic, I’ve found a place that affirms these things.  And I’ve grown to see that God has created each person uniquely, and with distinct beauty and honor.  No matter what society or external forces may lead us to believe about our value (or our culture’s value), there is a master artist who designed a beautiful mosaic of cultures and peoples of the world.  I see that as I travel the world, I hear it in the languages my parents speak, and I taste it in the food I eat every day.  I don’t have to deny that, or leave that part of my past behind.  And this gives me incredible confidence and freedom to live and lead out of who I am.  I know there’s intentionality and purpose, as I learn and embrace my own background and story.

But with this also comes a deeper appreciation for other people, and their uniqueness.  As I’ve come to understand myself better, my hunger has only grown to learn about other cultures and shades of differences between people.  So writing this article in partnership with my Latino, Native American and African American coworkers was not only an incredible honor, but a growing experience for me.  And the interesting thing: knowing how much I have to learn doesn’t discourage me, but excites and motivates me!

So here are the links to the two articles: one written by three of our Caucasian colleagues working in ethnic ministry, called “Five Majority Culture Postures Towards Ethnic Minority Ministry“, and one written by us (and others) called “Six Postures of Ethnic Minority Culture Towards Majority Culture.”  As you read these, we hope they will help you process and discuss your own experiences in your homes, families, teams, churches, or organizations.

And to give you a glimpse at some of the stories inside, here are some excerpts from the article written by Jenny:

“Growing up in Southern California, it was easy for me to find Asian American communities where I felt normal and at home. I attended a Chinese American church, but if you had closed your eyes, it would have been hard to know we worshipped any differently than others, since we never talked about culture. I noticed that both ethnic minorities and Caucasians were reluctant to talk about having a distinct culture. However, subconsciously they all gravitated towards those who were similar to them. Culture was important to them, but they didn’t know it. They didn’t know they were unaware, just like me.”

“As a child, I distinctly remember when my father asked me to draw a picture of a girl. Without hesitation, I sketched the image of a Caucasian girl. There was no overt discrimination that caused this, but simply the internalization of what I understood to be the American cultural standard of beauty. Deep inside, I wished I could trade my Asian features for those of my Caucasian friends so that I could be accepted.  Now that I’m older, I still see ethnic minorities who unknowingly try to imitate the majority culture, whether in their hobbies, appearance (for instance, I see Asian American men who are ashamed of, and try to change their sometimes smaller body frames), communication styles, or approaches to leadership. It makes me wonder: how can we affirm the beauty in all of who we are, rather than changing ourselves to please others?”

I knew an older man who loved war movies, and he used to tell me why: “It’s clear who’s the enemy, and who are the good guys.  There’s some notion of good and evil, not just shades of gray.”  He was uncomfortable with what he perceived was an increasing ambiguity in the world, especially in relation to ethics and philosophy.  So he watched old movies that made a clearer polarization.

For all the talk about the blurring of lines between right and wrong, I’m convinced that we live in a culture that polarizes as much as ever.  The media operates on this assumption, that the people need their heroes and villains; that we love to love, and love to hate.  So every day there’s work being done to craft or restore an image, or provoke a controversy or reaction, from sports to politics.

Of course, on a basic level, we need categories to make sense of the world.  And I do happen to believe in right and wrong, as well as good and evil.  However, how often do we polarize because we’re uncomfortable dealing with complexity?  How often do we label others simply because it’s easier to do so?

About a month ago, one of the largest ministry organizations in the world, Campus Crusade for Christ, changed its name.  Their primary motivation was that they didn’t want any unnecessary barriers to stand in the way of their message, including their name.  The word “crusade,” with its negative connotations of violence and domination, was understandably doing more harm than good.  So they changed their name to “Cru,” a word that technically has no meaning, like Google or Starbucks.

However, this decision created quite a stir in the media. Fox News ran the controversial headline, “Campus Ministry Drops ‘Christ’ from its Name.”  Many accused the organization of “caving to cultural pressure” or political correctness, and being ashamed of God.

Many within “Cru” were dismayed at this reaction, while others simply called it “media hype.”  As for me, although I was disappointed by the way some people jumped to conclusions without proper knowledge, I think the criticism provided a test of growth that is so important.  And it’s very personal to me.

Let me explain.  In this world, it’s too easy to live within the comfort of lazy clichés and stereotypes, that label in black and white. I know people who have rarely had to wrestle with complexity, or consider that people who are significantly different than them might be right.  Maybe they’ve never been on the uncomfortable end of an accusation, or had to live within the tension of criticism from multiple worlds.

That complexity, that tension… is my life.  Start with my identity as an Asian American, constantly struggling to find his place among two cultures.  Then add my experience as a Christian, whereby I’ve been told all my life that I’m too liberal or too conservative.  You can’t imagine the sheer number of stereotypes and assumptions others have made of me, simply because of my professed faith.  I can see it on their faces, and hear it in their voices — in the silence of their discomfort, or the energy of their enthusiasm.

Living in this tension can shatter the categories in your head.  For instance, you may be used to being labeled as too “pushy,” “conservative,” and “evangelical.”  But how easy is it to simply label back: “Well, that’s society’s criticism, but society is corrupt.  We don’t need to listen to them.”

But then a less familiar type of criticism emerges: “You’re watering down your faith.  Are you ashamed of God?”  And now there’s more than black and white, or “us and them.”  People are forced to live in tension.

And that tension, though sometimes scary, is what helps me to make sense of the world.  It never lets me settle for simple answers, or blindly accept what my parents or pastors might say.  It doesn’t let me get away with unexamined prejudice.  It forces me to consider the consequences of my beliefs.  It’s like a refining process that continually resurfaces the question: “How will I define myself, in this frightening but beautiful world of many colors?”

Instead of viewing complexity as something to be avoided, what if we embraced it as an integral part of the process of growth and development?

And so as “Cru” experienced the critiques of their name change, I’ll confess my reaction was a bit different than others who were happy or upset.  I empathized.  Honestly, it made me feel a bit more normal.  While some people have to choose to deal with complexity, it’s not that way for me.  Because I am bicultural ethnically (and you could say, spiritually), I will always live in a certain tension.  Whether it’s a blessing or a curse, it’s just part of who I am.

But a more important question came to mind, that represents a challenge for us all.  When faced by critics on all sides, how will we respond?  Will we label and polarize others?  Or will we embrace the tension we feel, and allow it to refine us to deeper levels of growth?