Adriano Cabral

Fading

2014-10-19T14:05:00.002-07:00

I stopped.

I stopped writing.

For some reason, I just…stopped.

Writing used to be my salvation, my grace.

It used to be the medium by which I poured my soul.

Yet somehow, someway, this task has lost sensation; become banal.

I wish. I want. I pray.

There once was inspiration.

There once was drive.

I miss this honest invitation.

I miss the heartfelt thrive.

Is this a poem about writing? Maybe. Maybe I’m just looking for attention. Or maybe, I’m not judging. I’m free. I’m playing. I’m putting words to the page and allowing myself to fail. Fail magnificently. I am a failure. I have not reached the top. I loom in the middle making bargains with the judge.

I miss my past.

I miss what once was.

I miss having a home and knowing.

I miss playing outside.

I miss having dreams.

Now they’re just agreements, negotiations.

“Logically, I have to stay in this position for X number of years. Once N number of dollars are saved and E number of children are produced, I can change.

My mouth is dry and all I can think about is being with you. I miss you. I miss this. I miss this with you; no cares in the world.

I’ll find my dream again.

I’m not sure how, or when, or where.

But I will find it.

Stories

2013-12-16T02:34:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time,
There was a story that came to an end.

Just as it was nearing the finish line,
Another story began.

This story met the First.

In their brief meeting,

Before the First finished,
The two begat a Third story.

It then stood in the legacy of the First.

The Second and Third stories became friends as the First disappeared.

Their friendship begat yet another story.

As the Second grew old, the Third became sad.

“I am afraid of what will happen when you end,”
Wept the Third.

Little did it know, the story that the Second and Third created also created a few stories of its own.

The Fourth created a new story with the Second (the Fifth) and another with Third (the Sixth).
The Fifth created new stories with the Second, Third, Fourth, and Sixth.
The Sixth, stories with the Second, Third, Fourth, and Fifth.

As the Third wept in the presence of the aging Second, the Second simply smiled at the Third.

“You fear the future when the present has already become the past. Look around you. You and I are a part of all of the stories we have created together and we will continue to be a part of the stories yet to come. When you feel alone or worried, visit with one of the stories we have created. In them, you will find me. But, more importantly, you will find yourself.”

As the Second whispered its final words, it dissolved into a small light that burst into a million pieces and struck each of the stories previously created.

Upon impact of each photon, a new story burst from each of the old.

As the Third watched this beautiful duplication take place, a single tear fell from its eye.

This tear struck the ground and from the puddle burst yet one more story.

The Third lifted the newborn story from the ground and spoke softly,

“Welcome to our great family, where you are never truly alone.”

An inquisitive look crossed the newborn’s face.
“What shall I call all of these stories?”

The Third smiled and answered, simply,

“Life."

Winter Blues

2013-12-11T10:47:00.001-08:00

So, I'm fairly certain I don't have any followers but I figured I would put a little blog post up.

For those of you that don't know, I'm about to finish my degree program for my MFA in Theatre Performance. It has been a long and tough three years mentally and emotionally. I am excited for it to come to an end and proud to announce that I have been invited to interview at the University of West Georgia for the Assistant Professor of Theatre position in Voice and Movement.

I am terribly excited for this new juncture in life, but I must admit that I am moving onward with a heavy heart.

Pathetic, I know, but I am worried about my love life. As someone who has only had one true experience that I would consider an actual "boyfriend" situation, I fear I will spend a large portion of my near future quite alone. These trepidations are only increased by the fact that I have recently met some wonderful people that I truly wish could join me on this next venture. I know this will not be the case, and thus the following poem was born:

Wandering through t his wilderness,

Wondering who and why.

How these triumphs break me?

How these failures shape me?

Day goes by and night fall comes,

Slowly stand I waiting.

Whispering.

Hoping.

Praying.

Fellating.

Despairing.

Elating.

If in the end we are as we were,

How can we presume the better ness to come?

I try,

You go.

He laughs,

I sigh.

When will the vapid insincerity fade and genuine truth arise?

Through tragedy?

Romance?

Terror and activism?

These labels have left me in a hollow shell

Assuming the verisimilitude of my own experience.

What are my credentials?

How do I prove them to you?

What's in a name...that which we call a fag by any other name is still as fierce.

Let me show you how I am,

Let me prove who.

This is he.

He is mine.

I am his.

He is absent.

I am overruled.

One chance.

Scope the land and send me someone willing to follow.

Not blindly or with servitude,

But with faith

In me and himself

To pursue the progress of society together.

Send me a partner.

He and I will change the world.

Is that too much to ask?

Coming Back

2012-10-27T17:59:00.002-07:00

I wish I could tell you that I was making a fabulous comeback.

I wish that I could say I got the old crew back together to create a limited engagement performance.

I wish I could show you that everything was ok in my world.

I wish I could do these things, but then I'd be lying.

I have made a lot of discoveries, changed my world views, learned new concepts, grown as a person. I am not the same Adi that I was a year ago, or two years ago. In fact, I'm not the same Adi that I was one millisecond ago. Every particle of my body has changed from the moment I began writing this. Not a single part of me is constant. None of us.

This is stupid and very existential, I know.

You can probably guess that I'm currently a little upset.

And for the most basic reason.

Yet again

I've been called a "faggot" from a passing car.

Within 10 minutes of walking out of a theatre, into a campus filled with sports fans parading the Homecoming Game at ASU, a car drove in front of me and a passenger leaned out of the window and simply called me a faggot. At least they're not yelling anymore...but it's still annoying.

Now, I'm not the kind of person that has a problem with the word faggot. I am a gay man. Calling me a faggot is almost the same thing as calling me a human. My sexual orientation is part of my identity, so yes, I am a faggot. But do you really have to go out of your way to lean out of your car to remind me of your disapproval of the way I live my life.

Normally this would just pass. I'd laugh at the word and keep going. Maybe offer you a cookie for stating the obvious. But what really upset me is that, right after leaving the restaurant where I ate my early dinner alone, another car did the exact same thing.

What is with this fetish of making these annoying obnoxious statements from passing cars?

I won't understand.

I'm the kind of guy that rolls down his window and calls "Great dress!" or turns as someone rides the skateboard by me and says "I like your shoes!" or compliments my students on their haircuts.

Why is it that our world is so devoid of positive encouragement and words of kindness?

We are stuck in this place where the only time words affect us, are when they're negative.

We are used to this negativity and accept it as a norm.

I don't want that to be the case.

I charge you to go out and compliment someone, a complete stranger. Make their day. Make them smile. It's contagious. Their smile will make you smile which will make bystanders who observe the exchange smile.

Be nice.

Speak well.

Enjoy life.

And share the happiness that we all deserve.

That's all.

Vlog 2: Need You Now

2011-11-26T19:10:00.001-08:00

I did it! I made my second vlog! Enjoy!

Procrastination!!

2011-11-15T21:19:00.001-08:00

SO...My mother suggested that I start a vlog with me singing songs that are specific to the day that I have had. Because I haven't blogged in forever and I would love to jump back in with something fun, I'm gonna go ahead and turn this blogspot into my own little Musical Vlog!

One From The Vaults

2011-04-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in forever, so I figured I'd throw this little diddy at you. I don't want to write yet because I'm bottling up for something great, so in the meantime please enjoy:

To do-to feel-to see-to have-to live-to laugh-to love.

Each action created in the attempt to reach the other.

We do in order to feel.

And feel so that we may see.

We see what we want to have and what we have helps us live.

We live so that we may laugh and we laugh so that someday we can be offered the opportunity to love.

Don't run from the knock at the door, it's your chance to step behind the wheel. Drive wherever you choose and stop when you please.

It's your life, you've chosen it.

Now live it.

Live it with no fears and grab whatever your heart desires along the way.

Find a lover and cherish his being.

Not because he cherishes you but because he deserves what you want to give him.

Discover his soul and listen to the soundtrack of his body.

Play the blues on his lips. Scat to his fingertips.

Hip hop to the whip of his hip and lose yourself in his rhythm.

Strum the strings that make his heart, try the jazz of his eyes for start.

Spread his lips, make them part, and tango with his tongue.

Teach him the beat, shuffle your feet, he'll return the favor and your song will be complete.

Every moment you see him your eyes light up. It's the middle of the day and you're seeing stars. He takes you places you've only imagined.

He's unlocking your cage and you can fly away, but where to go when all you know is he won't be there with you.

Take your time, take plenty of his.

When the two of you are ready, fly away together!

Left Behind

2010-09-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

What do you do when the thing that brings you the most joy also causes immense pain? When the love that you feel makes you hate yourself?

Trust me when I say that the ultimate sacrifice for love is letting go and leaving your heart behind.

It's been a while now since I've made the conscious decision not to love the one man I love more than any other. When you don't believe in love at first sight and are proved wrong by the emotions that one person provokes in you how can you expect an easy rebound?

This has been really hard for me. I've lost a good friend who showed me just how little I can be valued. I've wasted months of emotional torment. I've lost hope in the world around me and what it has in store. I don't trust that good things can come my way because I whole-heartedly believe that I have one of the best things life can give me dangling in front of my eyes and I can't see beyond him.

Somebody hold me too close...somebody hurt me too deep...somebody show me that at the end of the day, I am a wonderful last sight before slumber.

I want to go back to high school...where a relationship was based on how many times you text each other and how many hickies you have to hide before school.

I
Want
To
Love
Again

I know that what I have now is better than a "boyfriend." What I have is a best friend, and those really don't come that often. I realize that I'm blessed with numerous best friends and that could possibly be the reason why I want this new applicant to become something more.

Something that he'll never be.

And that's something I know and understand and still can't comprehend.

This brain of mine is a stupid place, loaded with burnt memories and singed experiences. It's hard now to make out the building blocks of who I am today. And believe me, it's pretty hard to build a me of tomorrow when I can't remember what the foundation looked like.

I want to regain my intellect.

I want to write again.

I want to make art and follow my dreams and succeed.

I want these things that are so easily in my grasp and I want someone to carry them with me.

The greatest thing I want to learn...is just to love, and to be loved in return.

Good night.

Writing Again

2010-09-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Well...it's definitely been a while. Instead of filling you in on all the things in my life that you've missed, I'd like to leave you with something I've written recently. I could explain it to you, but I'll just let you read it. I hope you like:

Swing sets and merry-g-rounds. These are our challenges. How high can you swing, how fast can you spin? These are our accomplishments. Our happiness is measured in moments like these where the world is our own and nothing can stand in our way. Youth is invincible because it isn’t measured by the years we’ve achieved but the state of open-mindedness we have mastered and refuse to let go.

Sitting in the sand, marking my territory with personalized petroglyphs, I revel in my existence as a member of the world. The lines of my creation counter the angles of the jungle gym and dance with shadows of passers by. A citizen of the Earth, I can create as I choose and become what I desire for my imagination knows no bounds. When being a pirate is yesterday’s news and mad science is a passing fad, I play the role of Ancient Egyptian searching for my wayward adventurer to stumble across my domain. The people of my civilization are not separated by class of nobility and servitude, but measured in greatness by the love that we share.

Of the people living within my reign, one man stands at my right hand. He is no less and no more in status than I because he is my equal. He is I and I am him for once true equality is achieved, there can be no separation. Where I go, he will follow and where he treads, I will trail. My companion is my wayward adventure. He is my first mate. He is my lab assistant. I love him beyond measure because our adventures are innumerable and our infinite moments of happiness are accessible only through our partnered attempts.

With the world at my fingertips and creation in my palms, like many before me, I wish for more. Surprise is not experienced I’m sure for this is the true nature of man. We want what we can’t achieve and once we’ve achieved all we desire more. These are not new ideas and this is not an outlandish state of mind because I am you and you are me as we are equals that share these words. Still, in my philosophical playground, the desire for something extra resounds ever-present in my adolescent mind.

I am worthless and that makes me feel invincible. If my worth is calculated by the experiences I’ve had, then with innumerable and immeasurable adventures under my belt the value of my worth can never be found. Thus, I am worthless. And what I desire is a who as worthless as I.

My companions are my own but they cannot create. I cannot give them free will. I am a powerless God. My first mate and wayward adventurer can stand by my side through triumph and turmoil, but he will disappear as soon as I lose concentration. He is a figment of my imagination, my true imaginary friend if you will, but I am well aware of this notion unlike some before me. The body of a child with the mind of a scholar is my blessing and curse. Well aware of my position in the world, I search for my true equal. The experiences I can have would increase exponentially with a true, tangible companion. Someone I can touch, and I can see, and I can love as my equal is my real desire.

Fending off my peers that lack my understanding of creation is the daily challenge I face. Their stares and insults and childish antics pierce holes through my world with daggers of reality. Hard as I may try to rebuild my kingdom, the columns come crumbling down without a companion to work as my foundation. Try as I might, I cannot make real my imaginary right hand man. It is impossible to force his traits into a living being, but as I have created his soul and essence and sent it out into the ether of the world I can only wait for my creation to be absorbed by another who will in turn become my soul mate. A mating of souls thus codified due to the creation of his soul by my soul and absorbed by who will become my companion.

I can now only wait with open optimism for my creation to take flight and find homage in a suitable vessel. This is my charge and until the successful transplanting of souls comes to fruition, I will continue marking the Earth and bending my reality. Alone and unafraid I anticipate his arrival for my work is done. I have created the magnum opus of my era, flawless in all aspects of preparation. With this knowledge I am content to be. Alone if my nomadic creation never finds a home and hopeful and proud for the day that he does. Struck and stoned by the adolescent minds around me, I can no longer be harmed. I have found my invincible youth and I will never let it go.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

Just like the next guy, I hate Valentine's Day...

Don't judge me, it's just a disappointing reminder that I'm still single.

That said, I am going to take the next few sentences convincing myself that I don't hate Valentine's Day.

Call me crazy...I might as well try creating world peace.

Here goes:

I love. I love well and I love hard. My friends are a lasting reminder that my heart (thank you Celine Dion) will go on. I am reminded every day that I have amazing people in my life. People that I enjoy spending time with, people that I keep in my thoughts, and people that I love.

I have a vast array of truly wonderful friends. I surround myself with beautiful people and genuine souls. How then is it that I convince myself that a holiday made to celebrate the very heart that I have is one not worth celebrating?

Here's to you Saint Valentine!

I am a lover! I am loved! I don't need one valentine to spend this day with because I have all of my friends. They are my valentines and I am their's if they choose to accept me as such.

So let's take this day and spread love. Let's remember that the Lonely Hearts Club doesn't need members anymore, they're at maximum capacity.

The Lover's Club is accepting applications...

Complaining

2010-02-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

Wow...I really went to town on the whole melodramatic gay card in my previous blog. So how about this for a contrast:

Stop complaining.

It's not attractive. Nobody likes to hear it. We've all got our own problems to deal with so stop freaking complaining about your easily solved problems.

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change you freaking attitude about it. Maya Angelou knows what I'm talking about here so I must be on to something!

Complaining about a situation is not going to resolve it. What you need to do is learn how to step out of the situation, map out exactly what the obstacles are, and pick out the quickest route for solution.

Complaining is like procrastinating on putting a pair of shoes into your closet. They don't belong in the middle of the living room, they're going to get in the way eventually, you don't like seeing them there anyways, so you might as well get to it.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying I will turn someone away when they need help. What I'm trying to say is, figure out if you can do something on your own before going to everyone else to do your dirty work. And if getting someone to help you out is your final solution, then pay attention to how they fix it so that you can learn from them and acquire the knowledge they've just presented you.

Life is a learning experience. We can't simply glide by unknowing of all things around us. Well...technically, yes, one can...but we shouldn't!

Rather than being an idle bystander in our own lives, how about we take action and get the gears turning.

If that doesn't sway your mind, think of this:

Complaining is annoying!

Woe is me...

2010-02-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

To be perfectly honest, if you don't care to find out that I'm a real person underneath the thick-skinned facade...just don't even bother reading the rest of this.

I feel like shit. I am remarkably alone even though I'm surrounded by so many loving people. I try to put it out there that I'm strong and happy (possibly to show some that I don't need them in my life) and it really just gets tiresome after a while.

I want to curl up into a ball and never wake up because my mind is the only safe place for me. In there I can control everything that occurs, from the fantastical to the decor I can be the puppet master.

In my mind I am safe because in there are: all of the secrets that I have been told that I have never shared, the cries I wish I could let out, the things I want to say that I hold back on, the regret for saying some things that I should have held back. When those things are in my own mind, I can control it. I can tuck them away and I can ignore them or call on them when I need to. When I'm thrown into a mix of people, everything goes out of whack. I want to pour the contents of my brain into their lap. I want to divulge everything I've learned about old religions, technical acting, musical insight, dance intuition, and how to match the rhetoric of your latest favorite author.

I want to be happy for the great things that have come my way but I'm too preoccupied with the bad things that I've just helped others through. Or the negative things that I can't seem to get away from. I've made the attempt at becoming a positive person freely and without struggle and it has become the hardest adventure I have ever set myself out on.

Harder even than leaving everything and everyone you know to start a life in a state you've never lived in to pursue a dream that could very well turn out to be just that. Harder even than choosing a lifestyle that hurt everyone close to you and wish that you could take it back so that you could have that one person to love you unconditionally. Harder even than wanting to cry so badly that nothing happens because you have held back the tears for so long.

Do I need a relationship? I don't think so. I understand that in the end, I'm alone anyways. When I fall asleep, regardless of who I lay next to, I go into a world all my own where no one else can join me. That "alone" is what makes me who I am. I preach so much about having to overcome yourself before you can even be ready to attempt something more than just you...but what happens when you've overcome yourself to the point where you have conquered all that you are. And the only thing left is a minuscule fraction of what you used to be and what you will never become.

I am Atlas too weak to shrug.
I am a column eroded with time.
I am a keystone turning to dust.
I am the foundation laid upon the sand.

I am losing friends.

I am doing exactly what I did in high school before I moved to Japan. I got rid of all of my friends so that it hurt less when I left. I'm breaking down the friends that I have at school now so that I can graduate in peace. I'm setting myself up for solitude...

I have learned that being positive is being fake. I tried to force my negative energies out by masking them with positive but I've realized that the positive is only a surface trait. Even in the moment I know when I'm consciously trying to be positive because I'm attempting to convince myself that the negative isn't my reality...when in reality...it is.

Our gift as mankind is to live because when we die, everything is uncertain. So how do we learn to appreciate that gift when this life becomes close to unbearable as each day progresses?

How do you offer a helping hand when your bones are made of sand?

So there you have it: Adriano is a regular guy who freaks out sometimes.

I guess you were right, we're not all perfect.

God again?

2010-02-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm going back to talking about the big guy in the sky. But more so than me discussing my annoyance with those that refuse to believe in anything spiritual, I'm going to divulge a little something I just read from The World's Religions by Huston Smith.

First and foremost, an idea that I find most intriguing is that God can be found by any one person simply by figuring out what God is not. Neti, neti is what they call this activity in Hinduism. Literally translated as "not this, not this." The concept of simply deciphering what God is not in order to find out what he is intrigues me so much.

And what I love quite a bit is the idea that God is not some omniscient being that created all and can destroy all, but an infinite Being inside each of us. Our spirit is God. The way you become close to this infinite being is by getting rid of all finite things in your life that thicken the walls between the physical you and the infinite you.

Next to that is the idea which Hinduism teaches that all religions are equally valid. As there are 4 paths in Hinduism to find God (through Knowledge, Love, Work, and Psychophysical Exercises) there must also be other paths as well. Different religions are simply different paths to find the same God. The Hindu book Vedas says "Truth is one; sages call it by different names." Now how bout that? A holy book that doesn't try breaking down other people's beliefs. There's even this story about how Shiva approached a man who hated all deities but Shiva. He told him that he would never be pleased with the man while he hates. The man was stubborn so Shiva had to visit him many times. On the final time, Shiva arrived in the form of half Vishnu and half Shiva. The man took his offering and placed it towards the half that was Shiva. Shiva gave up, saying, "this man's bigotry is incorrigible." The point Shiva was trying to make was that He was all of the other Gods. They are one and the same.

Then there's the question as to Why we exist in the world? Response to that being: You have the choice of withdrawing from the game of life. The only answer that can be given is that the game is its own reward.

Regardless of your religious affiliations, these views are quite admirable.

Try being grateful for the world you live in because it is a reward to be living after all.

And start believing in yourself...in doing so, you may find that you do believe in God after all.

Love

2010-01-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

Don't judge me, yes I'm going to blog about love.

No, I'm not going to talk about my relationships.

No, I'm not going to cry over past mistakes.

Yes, I am going to talk about love.

Love in my sense of the word that is.

Have you ever noticed that when people are in a relationship, they wait for forever to say "the L word" whereas best friends have no problem saying it right away? (Have you also noticed that I use a lot of rhetorical questions to get you invested?)

I find that remarkably intriguing. The fact that you want to hold off telling someone who could potentially be your life partner that you love them tells me that you have not made a good decision as to who you're with. I personally don't believe you should be in a relationship with someone that you're not already comfortable to say "I love you" to. I say I love you to the people I truly love in my life. Girl friends, guy friends, family. And I believe that I do genuinely love them. So to me, I feel that it would be in my best interest to pick a mate from that group of people. Why search for some stranger, hope to fall in love with him, and pray for something that won't hurt when all the while you have a corral of people that you have already accepted applications from, spent plenty of time interviewing, and already feel a connection with at your beck and whim?

I sort of blogged about this before when I was talking about how not wanting to be in a relationship with your best friend is foolish. I'll elaborate a little extra on that by saying: If you're afraid of ruining your friendship by starting a relationship that may end at some point then it's your friendship that needs some tuning up, not that you weren't right for each other.

I believe that we are given numerous soul mates throughout our lives. Every person that we welcome in and choose to accept into our hearts, are our soul mates. If they weren't our soul mate, then we would never have met! It's like fate in a way. That's what soul mates are after all. They are people that you were fated to be with and so it is as such.

So how about spending a little time with your soul mates and start looking at them a little differently. Who knows, you might even find something you never realized was sitting right in front of you.

Underwear?

2010-01-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Back in High School--when I was the editor of the school newspaper--a fellow journalist was taking a hit at answering a question for our Advice Column. The advisee had mentioned feeling inadequate or unhappy with herself and inquired as to what she might be able to do so that boy's might start to like her. The advisor in question proposed a response in which she would suggest simply buying new underwear. At first, the staff was skeptical. But I went ahead and let her go with it so that we could see what would come out of it.

I honestly have no recollection of what the outcome was, but I do recall contemplating the benefits of buying new underwear and how that could possibly increase confidence. Thinking about it now, this is what I've come up with:

When you're down and out and feeling really crappy, just buy yourself a new pair of underwear and go from there. The affect on your psyche will actually prove much more rewarding than you'd think. The right pair vs. the wrong pair could do so much as make you feel like a seductress...or a worm.

When you have the wrong pair, you are uncomfortable. You physically dislike the fabric covering your "secrets" and you are the only person who knows about them at that moment. You take them out of your drawer, already knowing you don't like them, put them on and carry an unpleasant disposition for the rest of the day. You set low expectations for yourself and what can come out of your day by choosing the wrong underwear and this adversely affects the way people will feel around you.

The right pair on the other hand can empower you. When you get dressed in the morning, put on a pair of britches that make you look sexy, that hug your curves just the right way, or maybe accentuate a little something here and there. For the rest of the day you will vibrate sex! By choosing to embrace your own sexiness and admitting that "I am sexy, I don't have to try to be" you will carry with you an aire of seduction. People will recognize the confidence that you have simply through the comfort you have gained in choosing the right pair.

This concept works similarly as the "mantra in the mirror" would. By giving yourself positive energy, you will receive positive energy from the outside world.

In other words, you get what you give.

So why not get what you paid for and enjoy a good pair of underwear?

It's not like you'll get hurt...
Unless you want to ;-)

Why not?

2010-01-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

"You have a Bible on your bedside table."

"Yes I do, it's my best friend's. I keep forgetting to mail it back to her. ...I like God."

"God isn't real."

PAUSE!

I'm sorry, you know what? You kind of suck. I'm tired of this ridiculous fascination with hating God. Just because every other hipster in the world has a thing for Atheistic ideals doesn't mean that you have to follow suit and project what you read from "God is Not Great" onto me. I may not be a very "Christian" person, but you want to know something?

I do believe in God.

And to me God is real.

Just as the idea of God not being real is completely valid in your mind, so reins the idea that he is real in my mind. Because you have made the decision to trust in Philosophical readings by older men who have no desire to be anything more than just an infinitesimally small being in an ever-expanding universe, you will never believe in God. And that is fine, because that is what you believe. And what you believe is your reality. That's the way this sort of thing works.

But because I have decided that I don't want to be a tiny atom in relation to the vast universe, I have chosen to believe that there is something bigger than me that isn't planetary.

You argue that God isn't real because there's no proof. It's not like you can see him.

Well, how do you know air is real? You can't see it. Is "air" then too just a concept rather than a reality?

"No because you can feel air."

Well guess what, that's how I know God is real. Because I can feel him. Certain things simply could not be in the world if there was no God. Allow me to quote Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" with this little tidbit:

"Certain things have to be, and certain things can never be. Like the sun has to rise, it has to be. That's why there's God. Otherwise anything could happen. But there's God, so certain things can never happen."

I don't live by some ideology of God presented to me by The Bible or the Torah or the Qur'an or The Chronicles of Narnia. My God is an idea completely defined by my own notions out of the inability for a desire to live without a higher power.

I don't care what Prophets say about God. I don't care what Christopher Hitchens says about God. I don't care what Jesus Christ himself would say about God. All I care about is the fact that in the reality I have chosen for myself, there is a God. He is in my life.

I know he exists when I hear someone laugh.
I know he exists when I witness love.
I know he exists when I realize that of all the creatures on this planet, we are the only ones granted the gift of the lifestyle any man is capable of.

So go ahead, continue believing God is not real. Because for you, it's true. But for me, there is a God.

I will never ask you to believe in God. So never tell me:

God is not real.

Welcome to the World!

2010-01-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the sun actually shines during the day before 3pm?

Yea...I had no clue. Apparently, sleeping isn't the only way you can spend your morning.

I woke up this morning and realized something: The world is a freaking beautiful place!

There is so much stimulus all around us that we can take in at a moment's notice. The smell of fresh winter air, the sight of the sun peaking from behind the clouds, the sounds of the city, the feel of the breeze on your skin, the taste of hot coffee in the morning. All of it is marvelous!

I have spent my entire winter break either getting up extremely late or just sitting inside all day. I'm not a bear! I don't need to hibernate! I need to get out there and enjoy the world.

You know what happened when I braved the world and allowed myself to explore before 3pm?

I got a job interview at Starbucks.

That's right! I complained about being unemployed earlier and thanks to my own positive thinking and desire for adventure, I have found myself a positively potential job.

Not only that, but I had a voice lesson today and it was fabulous! New music day is always the best day of class. Today I was assigned "Everything Happens to Me," "Come Up to My Office," and "It's Hard to Speak My Heart." Wonderful songs and quite contrasting as well. How can you not be excited with your life when everything is working on the upswing?

Positive energy really does work wonders!

I started this new thing where I wouldn't let anything get me down. I would stay positive no matter what. Considering that I used to be a very negative person, the transition sucked. I was seeing so much negativity that I surrounded myself with. I was buried in the negative energies of people around me because I fed off of it. But now that I have positive energy, all of the negative happenings just roll right off of me.

And I honestly believe that my positive outlook has been beneficial to those around me as well.

So why don't you give it a try?

Start with one conscious decision to avoid negativity in a specific circumstance and see how that feels.

Trust me, you'll want to do it over and over again!

I must confess: I'm a Thinker

2010-01-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

Think for yourself.
Develop your own ideas and don't be afraid to share them with others.
Be able to defend your decisions.
Understand the consequences of your actions.
Be free to choose as you see fit what to believe and what to say.
Don't let someone try to shut you down.
If you know you are correct then don't let someone else change that.

Consider the possibility that you may be wrong. Once you understand both sides of the situation, you can truly figure out which position to take.

If your director wants you to do something that you see as inappropriate for the production, then let it be known. Develop your argument and present it in order to defend your position. In a Professional Theatre I do believe that there is a private time and place in which it is more beneficial to have such discourse, but Community Theatre is an open forum. The focus is on the community. You can't have that sort of a production without the group effort.

As the director in this situation, don't let your actors feel inadequate. Don't make them feel defeated when you don't want to open your mind to admitting your own flaws. You may be slightly higher on the pay scale, but you are in no way superior to the actors you're working with. The key phrase in that is "working with." All parts of the production team are equal. Knowing that and allowing equality to stay strong in your team will lead to a very well-balanced company that will run silky smooth with very few snags.

As a thinker, develop your tact. Know when and how to say what you need to say. As a director, know how not to make your actors feel delinquent. As an actor, know how not to make your director feel undermined. As a person, know how not to make others feel inferior.

Think clearly, think concise, and think for yourself. Ask questions. Challenge opinions. Intellectualize a situation and come up with the best solution after analyzing all possibilities.

Not only will you benefit from your intellectual growth, but so will everyone else when the world decides to open its mind to new ideas.

Forward and progressive thought is the key to world peace.
That's how strong it is.

Get Whipped into Shape

2010-01-19T15:05:00.000-08:00

To exercise, or not to exercise. That is the question.

Often we find that the motivation necessary for a trip to the gym very seldom arrives when desired. We fear exhaustion and physical soreness and therefore avoid or put off the inevitable. We eat that extra donut telling ourselves that we'll work it off later, but we never actually get around to it. The cause of this is quite simple.

We are not exercising for the right reasons.

Ask as many people as you'd like and you will find that the majority of the populace works out so that they can look a specific way. They find that if their physical appearance fits what they desire, then they'll feel accomplished. Because this person is already unhappy with himself, he rarely gets the results he hopes for without pushing too hard.

Exercising should not be about becoming beautiful. You have to realize that you are already there. You have to be happy with yourself and decide that you want to work your body for a different reason.

Exercise because you want the body that has taken care of you for the past few years to keep on running as best as it can. Stay fit and in shape because you want to be healthy, not because you want to "look good" in that bathing suit.

Your body can only do so much on its own. It is your vehicle. Much like how you have to stay up to date with tune-ups and oil changes, if you don't work on your body and keep it running up to par then it will shut down on you without warning.

Once you embrace this idea you'll learn that the results from your exercises will become much more rewarding. You'll be happier with yourself when you realize that you are keeping yourself healthy. And in keeping yourself healthy, you will start to love your body more and will see that you "look good" no matter what.

So stop pumping iron just to see if you can bench press 500 pounds. There's no practical reason to work toward that goal. Instead, see if you can run 5 miles under 30 minutes without passing out. It doesn't matter how strong you are if you have no endurance to fall back on. Your body needs endurance to continue running for as many years as you would like.

Do:
Eat well because you want to be healthy.
Exercise because you want to be healthy.
Live well because you want to be healthy.

Don't:
Motivate yourself with shallow reasons.
Compare your body with someone else's.
Dislike the way you are.

Love your body as best you can and it will not disappoint you.

Hiccup!

2010-01-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

I seethe you Mister Hiccup!
My goal in life is to defeat you.
You hurt me.
This is not nice.
I hope you realize the pain you cause.
You are unruly.
This must change.
You are a mean girl!
I hate you!
You shall not pass!
You are going to be my demise Mister Hiccup!
I must not be defeated by the likes of you.
Alright...you are a worthy adversary.
You are an opponent I cannot best!
THIS IS NO GOOD!
I shall fight fire with fire!
DAMN!
I don't know how you work in the first place!
How do I defeat something I don't understand?
You suck!
You are still here!
My friend, you have outstayed your welcome.
Please leave.
You have reached your word quota for the evening.
...I loathe you...
Fine!
If I cannot beat you, I shall embrace you!
...I hate you.

You call that a relationship?

2010-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

You guys don't do anything but fight.

Every time I meet up with you separately, you're on the phone with your boyfriend and he's nagging your ear off while you have somehow managed to place the phone somewhere completely out of earshot.

You complain about each other.

You wish you had freedom.

You come to me for what he can't give you.

Really? And your excuse is "The love is there, somewhere."

I'm sorry, but don't pull that bullshit with me. You hate sleeping with your boyfriend because he has the libido of a rock and does nothing but complain about the heat in your house when it falls below 70 degrees. You tell me how much better I am than him. You confide in me because I am more understanding. You and I have never gotten into a fight and every moment we spend together is worthwhile.

So why am I still the one that is left by the roadside, single and alone? I hear people say, "We're just really good friends. I don't want to mess that up by changing the relationship." MESS WHAT UP?! Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with a really good, understanding, cute friend who knows how to satisfy you over a boring, nagging, selfish guy that you dove into things with before thinking anything through? I know I would! I don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship with your best friend, in fact I think it might be more beneficial.

Even if you don't come around, I'm going to let you know these things:

I will always be here for you, no matter what.
I love you and I know you love me, because somehow when it's you and I we have no problem saying the "L" word.
Though I will be here for you, that doesn't mean I'll wait around.
Someday, you'll see what you missed out on.

And if you're the boyfriend in this situation reading this blog, don't hate me. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm simply picking up on the slack that you leave behind. Maybe you should have a talk with your partner about monogamy. Even so...

You're a lot luckier than you think.

Don't "Hey Girl!" Me

2010-01-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

Girls that call their gays "girls," and gays that refer to themselves the same are absolutely out of line. There's this thing called gender. Now...contrary to popular belief, although you may like being banged the same way a girl does this doesn't make you a female equivalent. You have a dick. Please acknowledge that. I'm not asking you to butch it up to the extent of doing nothing but pumping iron and crushing beer cans on your forehead, but try not spitting skittles when you talk and shitting Prada when you walk.

Is it just me or has the idea of "gay" gotten completely out of hand? A long time ago "gay" was this rugged thing, an intellectual state of being. When anyone thought of gay, the first thing that came to mind was two strong men together. Where has that vision gone? I don't want to think of a newly 18-year old twink every time someone mentions homosexuality. Hell, I'd rather not think about twinks ever.

There's a point when you need to realize that you are more than what you sleep with. You can be something else before you're gay. Nobody really cares who or what you sleep with unless they want to sleep with you. And nobody wants to sleep with you when there's no intrigue as to who you are.

I am an intellectual. I am an actor. I am a singer. I am a dancer. I am a writer. I am a chef. I am a photographer. I am a lover. I am a cleaner. I am a man. I won't tell you if I'm gay because I don't have to. That's not part of who I am. Who or what I sleep with does not define me as a person.

The fact that I'm a loyal friend is what defines me.

The fact that I love the simple things defines me.

The fact that I have no problem looking you in the face and telling you never to call me a girl again...

That defines me.

Don't do "the sexy"...

2010-01-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

So you meet someone new. You talk and all you can think about is how cute he is. You admire his pecs while he tells you about his audition for So You Think You Can Dance. You stare at his cute synthetically altered blue eyes that are currently green for the night.

The night goes on, you have some drinks. Things get a little heated. Next thing you know, you guys are making out as you sit on your friend's lap. You guys move to the kitchen, he pins you up against the wall and ravages your lips.

Did...did he just growl in my ear? Um...ok, let's ignore that.

"Who'd you come here with?"

You're going to ask me that now? After a good half hour of a make-out session? Whatever. "Nobody. My roommate dropped me off."

"I'm going to fuck the shit out of you."

Ew...do you realize how gross that kind of sounds? That's not cute...don't say that again.

"Do you have anywhere private we can go?"

...we're at someone else's house. "No, I don't. I don't do hookups anyways."

What's wrong with just wanting to make out with someone? I don't feel like having sex with every guy I meet. Sometimes just kissing is a fun enough experience for me.

Did he just growl again? Ugh...ok, I don't know about everyone else, but I'm pretty sure you don't get orgasms from touching someone's arm. So why the hell is he moaning up a storm?

This is just annoying. He's totally doing "the sexy." He's trying to be as sexy as he can. Don't do that around me! I can see the fake right through your colored contacts.

You know what I find sexy: Being yourself. Not trying to overcompensate with your life by telling me about your latest show on Broadway. I know for a fact that you've never danced on Broadway so calm the hell down. Lie's are not sexy. Being "sexy" is not sexy.

Sexy is being awkward.

Sexy is dropping a frying pan and calling all attention at a party to you and the guy you're with.

Sexy is telling me that I'm cute, not that you will fuck the feces out of me.

Sexy is being interested.

Sexy is laughing.

Sexy is being yourself.

Sexy is letting me tell you that I don't want to have a hookup and you acknowledging that and respecting my decision so as not to put anyone else involved in an awkward position.

That is sexy. I want that guy.

And I don't think I'm going to find him in you...

Just a regular day...

2010-01-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, the following exchange occurred inside a grocery store between a stuffed bear and myself. Enjoy:

ME: *Notices bear* Press me? Ok! *press*
BEAR: *teddy bear voice* I like you!
ME: *Running* I'm not ready for a commitment!
FRIEND: *Falls to floor laughing*

You really can't make this shit up...My life is full of the dumbest, funniest, weirdest things.

-At the Gym-
FRIEND: So he says he's not sleeping with the new boo just yet. But he did let me know that handsies and blowsies were still in full effect.
ME: Well that's good.
FRIEND: Yea. You want headsies?
ME: Um...excuse me? Did you just offer me oral sex?
FRIEND: Oh my god! No. Haha, I meant headphones. You can plug them in to the treadmill and listen to the TV...
ME: Oh...um, sure. Awkward...
FRIEND: Loves it.

These moments just come out of no where. I'm not sure if they're bouts of simple stupidity or if they really are moments of inspiration that God is trying to give me saying something along the lines of: CARRY A CAMERA! This shit would make a great sitcom! God, of course, having the voice of Morgan Freeman because I can't think of him sounding any other way anymore.

Oh god...then there's this one:

ME: This tastes really bad...can you check the expiration date?
FRIEND: Sure...Oh my god?
ME: Let me guess, they expired in 2006.
FRIEND: ...how could you tell?
ME: BECAUSE THEY TASTE 3 YEARS OLD! UGH! I'm pretty sure they have fermented and now have alcoholic properties...

On the phone:

ME: Hey.
FRIEND: Hi, what's going on?
ME: ...are you eating Peanut Butter and Jelly?
FRIEND: How did you know that?
ME: I can hear it in your voice.

Moments like this remind me how wonderful life is. Thank you world for giving me such great friends!

I Sing!

2010-01-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

I didn't blog yesterday, so I'm going to blog twice today. Don't judge me. I may even set one of these blogs to publish under yesterday's date because I'm obsessive compulsive. Who knows? I'm just spontaneous like that! Anyways, here we go.

I sing. Very basic statement, but it's true: I sing. And so should you. I was walking through Providence today listening to my iPod (Thanks little Brother!) and as my ears are being filled with the sounds of Jay Brannan, Rascal Flatts, Adele, VV Brown, and the cast of Next To Normal, I was submerged in the desire to burst out and sing. Then I thought..."you know what? Why not? Do it!" So I'm walking and I start singing...extremely quietly...I stop.

That sucks! Why is it that we are somehow stopped from doing the things we want to do simply because they are not commonly accepted by other people? If I want to burst out in song, I should be able to do it. If I want to do a tap number at the bus station, dammit I should! If more people sang while walking, the world would be such a more beautiful place. Even if they don't sing well! Who cares?! I don't expect you to belt and riff Defying Gravity while walking down Atwell's Avenue, but what is the worst that could come of trying it out? So what if you don't sound great, people will definitely join in with you if they know the song. Who knows, you might even come up with some really hot harmonies.

We sing when we are filled with so much energy that speaking alone just won't cut it. And we dance when even that doesn't work. So embrace the energies within your body, harness them. You could become the next star if you just gave it a whirl, what could it hurt? There is art in each and every one of us, that's a gift we get for being human. We have the ability to create art... Isn't that something worth exploring?

So I say, Do it! I'll quote Nike: Just do it! Get it? DO IT!