here’s my self-reflection/assessment:

1. overall, healthiest i have ever been. (yay!) not thinnest, or sveltest, or prettiest, or whatever else…but given that i have been suicidal, have been an over eater, have been terrified of my own mind, have been an addict (say it aloud) and self-abuser (own it) – and at this moment i am eating well, exercising, expressing my needs and desires, saying no, saying YES!, being really deeply patient with myself – i’m Good at a deeper level than i have experienced before.

2. loving and being loved is the most important work in the world. it isn’t easier than being single, as i so proudly and adamantly was for so long. it isn’t better than being single, and it isn’t worse. it’s a new learning environment that changes daily. it’s miraculous to me each and every day, the quality of people who love me. i don’t know if people at the point of love are always so amazing, but i know i am surrounded by the most brilliant, beautiful, fabulous and deeply good people in the world.

3. being an auntie is The Best Job Ever.

4. Best. Job. EVER!! and it’s mine!!

5. i thank science, love, and the stars for the gift of being a virgo. i don’t care if there is no truth to it – being a virgo for me is a huge relief, a cosmic reason for all the logic and systems and order and blessed beautiful functions of my observant brain. do i observe too much – in myself and others? absolutely. tons of seemingly useless information piles up and becomes narrative in my little mind. BUT – then i do things with all that information. i read people, i feel places, i create systems. i trust my mind. i trust myself to not know and to ask questions. i encourage you all to access your inner virgo, just for a moment, in the spirit of celebrating my birth.

6. forgiveness and compassion are more useful skills to develop and master than vengeance and anger, and i am on the path. those latter passions make me feel shaky and alive and overwhelmed and hopeless. but each time i forgive, or act from compassion, it literally soothes me, fills me up, makes me feel more whole.

7. reading science fiction, the buddha, vandana shiva, deepak chopra, and margeret wheatley is a better use of my time than reading the headlines any given day.

8. my life is good. i recognize the privilege of the family i was born into because its a love-based family – we didn’t have much other than love, but that was beyond enough.

9. i love to write, and i am blessed that others love to read what i write. that’s a calling.

10. i’m not done finding ways to have a fantastic life, but so far i know that it entails living simply, living fabulously, being healthy, showing radical love for every person you encounter, treating your body as the most sacred space in your life, letting go, having faith, and choosing joy.

happy birthday eve to me!

Hello Good People!

The transition to our new life here in the great MN continues. We’ve spent the month of August swimming in the lake, harvesting incredible produce from the garden, and putting food up for the winter. In the last few weeks I have canned Yellow Tomato Jam, Corn Chowder, and many jars of Arabiatta Sauce. It is the most satisfying kind of work: hard and finite. I look forward to the taste of summer that I will treat myself to in November, December, January, and on.

And like any transition, I find myself thinking very hard about things that are very hard to think about. Yesterday Sam took me and Finn and Siobhan on a long walk through a restored wetland protected and cultivated by Saint John’s University. We walked slowly on a tilting boardwalk through the tall grasses and shallow green water smelling of manure, that fecund smell of deteriorating biomatter. The boardwalk became a path through dark Eastern Hardwoods. And just beyond the ridge I could see another forest begin, the white grey of the boreal forest. Sam tells me this collision of forests is the mark of biodiversity resulting from living at the very point where the glaciers descended and would go no further. Our path continued into a restored Oak Savanna and Prairie melange. At that point, the mosquitoes became ferocious and I was no longer waxing poetic.

But I came away feeling very deeply this same sense I have had now for months – that I am standing in the flow of time, and watching it stretch out behind me and watching it stretch out before me. And there are small signs – how my hands are beginning to age. And there are very very big signs – how my three month-old daughter can laugh and stare and seem to see right through me. How in a weird way, my son Finn seems to know me better than anyone (is that a first kid thing?). I feel lucky and I despair my own death, and I feel carefree and I am burdened by choices, all at the same time. Now isn’t that living?

Then this morning I am listening to MPR, hearing the economy defined as “everything that people make and do and buy and sell,” and it occurs to me again how insane capitalism is when you consider how precious and finite life is. The very idea that a people’s economy – that which creates and impacts a family’s livelihood – could be predicated on how many unnecessary things can be invented, patented, produced, marketed, sold, bought, consumed, accumulated, wasted, and thrown away. It is curious as a practice, but it is appalling that such a practice can be defended or worse: normalized.

I am reading an incredible story, The Songlines by Bruce Chatwin, of his journey through Australia in the effort of understanding the Aboriginal’s practice of singing their country and keeping it alive and whole through the continued songs that march every inch of ground. The book was written in the early 80′s. Hear this message from one of the white men Chatwin spoke to while on his journey: “Today, he said, more than ever before, men had to learn to live without things. Things filled men with fear. The more things they had, the more they had to fear. Things had a way of riveting themselves on to the soul and then telling the soul what to do.”

And later, a central figure in the book, Arkady says, “The world, if it has a future, has an ascetic future.”

So I am challenging myself to an ascetic future, to consider how to do more making and doing, more remaking and trading and giving, and less buying and selling and accumulating and throwing away. More generosity, and less hoarding. Now isn’t that living?

good lord – today i thought i’d lost y’all. i went to update my blog and it was gone!! but seth walker saved me, once again, and we’re back.

this makes me happy like few things do. one of those things is my nephew:

We are in the midst of a near perfect transition. We’ve spent nearly two years making decisions as a team so they know what it’s like to carry the responsibility for the economic and programmatic well-being of the organization. We’ve mapped out roles, responsibilities, relationships, and they are starting their own authentic relationships with key folks in the Ruckus galaxy…it’s literally like a thrillingly smooth effort.

I don’t have time to write much here, but I just want to document, to myself, that this happened, and is possible.

i wrote it all up, and then clicked something and it disappeared – which never happens. so…

just noting i did that. and i’m letting go of the poetry of what was and just passing on the sentiments cause i have to run out the door now.

i admit on the front end that part of my comfort with routines comes from the immense blessing of being born a virgo with a scorpio moon (orderly, wilderly). but i see the benefits of routine in the life of every person i know who actually get things accomplished.

for me, being in a place of good, flowing routines opens up more of my brain for visionary, creative and complex concepts. instead of spending time picking out breakfast, i make a smoothie that i know will be delicious every day, and my first thoughts can stay focused on analyzing of the bits of dream my memory was able to catch in the waking process.

in fact, i could basically live on smoothies (rice milk, organic pre-frozen bananas, strawberries, water-soaked flax seed, a handful of spinach, a tablespoon of peanut butter, and occasionally other fresh fruit) and my lentil soup (red lentils, yellow split peas, red quinoa, 1 chopped vidalia onion, 2 bulbs worth of crushed garlic, and any vegetables you want to toss in – spinach, mushrooms, corn, kale, olives have all worked. squeeze 1/2 a small lemon on when serving, and add a cube of feta for non-vegans). this has allowed the part of my brain that used to spend all of its time thinking about the next thing i could eat to instead stay focused on whatever it is i want to be doing.

with physical activities too – when i swim i set the time goal, adding a few minutes every few days. my stroke is freestyle, and when i am done i do 5 backflips in the deep end and then float the pool length. my body knows to do this, so my mind and spirit can focus completely on breath and meditation, not switching up strokes or running around to different parts of the gym, watching TV or reading magazines while my body works. i have reached depths in meditation during swimming that i have rarely reached anywhere else – such deep quiet.

my work routines bring me pleasure as well – every monday i do email aikido *aka cleaning out my inbox* and then run through the to-do lists on my online work management systems (i use basecamp for my ruckus and personal work) and prioritize. knowing i am going to do this means that throughout the week i rarely have a moment of not knowing what to do, feeling overwhelmed, or even stressing too much about falling behind. and even if i need to procrastinate on one task, i can check the list and find another more interesting one, and still be accomplishing necessary stuff.

of course there are a lot of things that hopefully aren’t routine…while a healthy eating routine is wise, having exciting cooking and eating out experiences ensures that i stay connected with those most delicious aspects of living. while an orgasm-a-day routine is wise, having routine sexual experiences isn’t. and so on.

i’m blessed in that for years now i have been able to craft flexible home/office situations. that means i wake when my body wants to, i can do the long late-night work sessions my inner insomniac romanticizes. it means i can work out mid-morning or mid-afternoon if i want to. for me, a 9-5 office routine doesn’t serve my best creative life process.

but the routines that have emerged, especially in the past few years as saturn’s returning stripped my life of excess, exposed patterns and left me with a lot of fertile ground for the next couple decades…those routines are so fulfilling and simplifying and i am awakening all kinds of creativity! like – children’s books, collages, science fiction anthologies, sci-fi erotica ideas, life structure ideas for every organization i know, singing, somatics exercises and that’s just this week.

i feel like i write a lot of times about the exceptional aspects of life, but in some ways its the routines which give me more consistent, steady joy.

or – possibly even better than joy, peace.

tamara warren is an amazing writer-mama from detroit, living in NY, and she encouraged my sci-fi writer self last night. yay!

and then tunde olaniran is a super amazing singer-songwriter-star floating about michigan, a part of stereoluxx. he inspires me to wear feather earrings, neon and be more fabulous.

i just want to say that it means an immense amount as a writer to know that writers i look up to are reading this

his name is antoine dodson, and i feel like he is this moment in a nutshell. fabulous and angry, and smiling and lovely and authentic. i can’t remember the last time i saw such a real moment on television.

and the remix of his news story, the flip of it into an autotune, now has the most people in the country possibly ever bopping their heads to an anti-rape jingle. that’s what it is – he is the essence of how you feel when someone you love is sexually attacked. you want feel fearless on their behalf, you want their attacker to know they will never get another chance.

it’s not exactly transformative in the usual way i think of it, but there is power in seeing such a fearless black gay man on the news, defended as an important spokesperson for his family and community.

the follow up video shows him looking like a modern-day lafayette, sweet sweet sweet.

the song is catchier than anything on the radio right now – i know i can barely speak if i am not saying/singing lyrics to this.

p.s. AND there’s an extended version!

i imagine Assata
sitting on her porch
in cuba – Cuba
watching vegetables grow

i imagine her now
that liberated woman
that symbol of our freedom
her days so deep; slow

i picture her now
ageless, so young
not far from a gun
and she knows how to use it

i picture her love
glowing beyond her
bright, our ephemera
saying,
but you can’t abuse me.

(thanks to dream for putting this to my mind tonight)

my future is getting a little loomy – its looming in my face. i feel like my brain is beginning to fragment after years of careful focus. every idea that is coming to me is…decentralization, emergence, abstractions and theories and radicalization.

my reading list:
- tananarive due’s the living blood
- beyond resistance: an interview with subcommandante marcos
- selu: seelking the corn mother’s wisdom
- epileptic (a graphic novel)
- an essay on nina simone’s journals and love letters
- uses of a whirlwind (a book on movement, movements and contemporary radical currents in the US)
- 20 us social forum reports
- 212 emails

and people keep asking me, what’s next?

i should sit at the feet of detroit elders and learn about movement for the next 5 years.

but i want to write.

sci fi erotica.

no i want to read – study all the great philosophers again with a new, 32-year old, post-ivy league eye (almost 32 year old, never-quite-graduated eye).

i should write something – an autobiography. which is pretentious at my age. just shy of justin bieber. i should write a how to guide – how to grow into a network. how to hold a us social forum. how not to build movement. who can i engage in writing those?

no i want to do organizational healing, facilitation that reaches the root cause of dysfunction. but am i an expert at that – what am i an expert at? how do i put being curious and interpersonal conflict resolution on a resume?

i should focus on my own health and healing. swimming, cooking, taking care of the chickens and learning to garden for when the apocalypse comes.

i should write an essay on black women obsessed with the apocalypse. i should edit that anthology actually. that’s morose – i need to be positive right now.

no i need to do something with the last decade’s worth of work learning.

or maybe i just need to move in with my sister and be super-auntie to my niece and nephew.

except i have to be in detroit, because i love detroit and i want to document – no i want to be a PART of – the renaissance that is absolutely afoot here.

i want to be a part of everything new and evolutionary in the culture – from how we communicate and heal to fashion to sustainability to magic to intergalactic localizing. i want my own personal health to be a reflection of the health that is possible in the species – and the change that labors to birth that possibility.

i feel like that salman rushdie novel midnight’s children – the voices of my generation in my head, intimately tied to the fate of my nation and home planet, important and negligible and responsible and helpless at this particular moment in history, on the precipice of the next great evolutionary leap.

i feel like my future is in the mirror i keep avoiding in the dark, standing right next to me and like arundhati roy said – i can feel her breathing.

i believe that love is the path to deeper and deeper radicalization. it is impossible to stay on a rigid, conservative, destructive path when you let love open you to the fact that difference is a mental survival process, not a reality. that is to say, you are not a mistake, you are part of the whole, so destruction and hate are self-defeating behaviors, and not worth your miraculous time.

maybe i need to spend the next year meditating. or in silence. but blogging about it. an overdocumented spiritual journey. which, i am arguably already doing.

thank god for my to-do list, tethering me to the reality that in this moment, at this time, all i have to do is finish what i started. i have finite lists, finite tasks, a finite immediate future.

and beyond that?

it looms.