Adult-Joke-A-Day

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning,

2012-01-15T13:42:00.000Z

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped

As the dog sat watching the orchestra.....

2012-01-14T13:40:00.000Z

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the fucking thing."

I did a few drugs last night...

2012-01-13T13:36:00.001Z

I did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake - I was tripping all night.

When Thierry Henry was signed to play at Arsenal again....

2012-01-12T13:42:00.000Z

When Thierry Henry was signed to play at Arsenal again they said, "You'll feel right at home here, everything's just as you left it." Including the trophy cabinet.

How do you make a Pirate angry?

2012-01-12T13:41:00.001Z

How do you make a Pirate angry? Take the P out of him.

Emile Heskey has revealed that...

2012-01-12T13:36:00.000Z

Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a t-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will show it off next time he scores. It says "Free Nelson Mandela"

Proof That Men Are Better Friends Than Women......

2011-03-03T21:14:00.000Z

Proof That Men Are Better Friends Than Women. A blokes wife didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she slept at a friends house. So her husband calls her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it. So one night, he didn't come home. The next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. His wife calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirm that he slept

A Letter To Mum....

2011-03-01T06:16:00.001Z

A letter to mum........A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum.' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had

I'm the pervert!!!

2011-02-28T10:06:00.001Z

Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

Ashley Cole shoots intern...

2011-02-27T23:06:00.001Z

News: Ashley Cole shoots intern from 5 foot. Torres had a shot but missed.

One low mileage open top bus for sale...

2011-02-27T23:05:00.000Z

FOR SALE: one open top bus extremly low mileage contact arsenal f.c

Pulled over for speeding..

2011-01-17T07:55:00.000Z

A Man is pulled over by the police for speeding. As the police officer is writing up the ticket, The man asks "Can you arrest me for calling you something really abusive?" "Yes" replies the officer. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "Of course not" replies the officer. "In that case, "Says the man, "I think you're a cunt."

I've written to royal mail..

2011-01-16T07:55:00.001Z

I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it I've put it inside a birthday card.

Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell.....

2010-10-16T10:51:00.000+01:00

Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What...s wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV....

2010-10-15T10:48:00.000+01:00

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said... "Babe, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time." She said ... "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates."

A woman just looked through the window while I was having a wank....

2010-10-14T10:45:00.000+01:00

A woman has just looked thru the window whilst I was having a wank. She slowly walked up to the window and mouthed the words, "GET THE FUCK OUT MY GARDEN"

Husband is watching the TV....

2010-10-13T21:45:00.001+01:00

Husband is watching the tv when his wife comes in & asks "I just fell down the stairs didnt you hear me?" Husband replies "sorry luv I thought it was the start of eastenders!"

Muslim terrorists....

2010-10-13T21:44:00.000+01:00

Muslim terrorists have been on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who's english . Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Text joke: Call me now!!!

2010-10-03T09:00:00.000+01:00

CALL ME NOW!!! I am SO PISSED OFF! I lost 3 retards today, 1 at McDonald's, 1 at Tesco, and where the Fuck are you? I said hold hands!

Shag

2010-10-02T16:02:00.000+01:00

(SHAG) Funny word isnt it... To a carpet maker its a long pile rug... To a smoker.... its a type of tobacco. To an American..., its a dance. To an ornethologist.... its a bird. And to you... ya ugly fucker.... its just a remote possibility!...

Marriage is ....

2010-09-30T11:15:00.000+01:00

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a fuckin club and spade!

Chess

2010-09-28T12:59:00.000+01:00

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although its hard to find 32 of them.

Paddy brought 2 horses....

2010-09-27T09:00:00.003+01:00

Paddy bought 2 horses & could never remember which one was which so he cut the tail off 1 & that worked great till the other horse got his tail caught in a bush & it looked exactly like the other. his pal suggested he notch the ear of 1 horse & that worked great till the other horse caught his ear on barbed wire. The pal then suggested Paddy measure the horses for height & he was delighted to

Little Sally came home from school...

2010-09-26T23:28:00.000+01:00

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frank Brown showed me his willy today". Before her mum freaked out she added "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing a little, with a hidden smile, her mother asked "Really small was it?". Sally replied "....... No, salty!

The Football Coach....

2010-09-08T09:54:00.000+01:00

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one