Advanced Tricks Of The Trade

Wedding Coordinator

2008-01-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

People’s fingers swell when they get nervous. So, when exchanging rings, tell couples to only slide the ring up to the first knuckle and let the other person push it up the rest of the way. Otherwise you run the risk of the groom breaking his bride’s finger in the middle of the ceremony.

Waitress

2008-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

When you realize you have forgotten to submit an order to the kitchen, go to the table and mournfully say, “Did you just hear that crash?” Nine times out of 10, the customers not only will say “yes,” but actually will believe they just heard a noise of some sort. You can then sigh sadly, and say, “Unfortunately, that was the chef dropping your food,” and then scurry back to the kitchen to hand in the neglected order.

Technical Support

2008-01-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

When helping someone fix their computer over the phone, and you want them to see if all the cables are plugged in correctly, don’t ask, “Have you checked to see if the cable is plugged in?” because the customer will always say, “Of course I did, do you think I’m a moron?” Instead say, “Remove the cable, blow the dust out of the connector, and plug it back in.” The customer will most likely reply, “Hey, it’s working now—I guess that dust really builds up in there!”

Street Performer

2008-01-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

In street performance, it’s possible to make money without really knowing how to play your instrument. You can pick up a cheap accordion at a thrift store and simply make stuff up on the street corner. Most people usually won’t stick around and listen for long if you are on a sidewalk where there’s little room to stand, and you can play the same thing over and over and still make money.

Software Tester

2008-01-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Because developers don’t expect testers to read through their code, doing so is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like “// HACK” or “// fix this crap later.”

Proofreader

2008-01-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

If you’re reading too fast, your brain can “correct” typos, preventing you from catching them. That’s why it’s sometimes a good idea to read a page upside-down. It forces you to pay closer attention to individual words out of context, and you can’t race through pages too fast.

Piano Salesman

2008-01-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

If you see a potential customer eyeing a piano, estimate their age and calculate what year it was when they were 18 years old. Play a big hit from that year on the piano they’re looking at. With a lot of preparation and a little luck, you might play the exact song they were listening to when they lost their virginity, got married, or drove their first car. The emotional resonance will overcome sales resistance and even open their wallets to a more expensive piano.

Photographer

2008-01-08T12:17:00.000-08:00

When taking family portraits that include a dog, don’t use the dog’s name or say “doggie, doggie” to get its attention, because it might trot over to you. Instead, call out “kitty, kitty, kitty.” The dog will perk up and look around for a cat, and you can get a great shot if you time it right.

Paramedic

2008-01-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

When paramedics arrive at a car crash or similar accident, they very, very rarely announce any casualties at the scene—almost all deceased will be pronounced “dead on arrival” at the hospital. This is because it involves about 10 times more paperwork to announce someone dead right in situ than it does to say they expired in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Nurse

2008-01-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

Patients will occasionally pretend to be unconscious. A surefire way to find them out is to pick up their hand, hold it above their face, and let go. If they smack themselves, they’re most likely unconscious; if not, they’re faking.

Mechanic

2008-01-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

If you have to change a light bulb where the glass is broken, you can press a potato into the metal base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from the fixture.

Lounge Pianist

2008-01-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

Never agree to Christmas sing-alongs if there is alcohol involved. Your singer will only remember the first two lines of his favorite tunes, or you’ll waste a half-hour on a drawn-out, stumbling, “12 Days of Christmas.” The singer will be forgiven when he sobers up, but you’ll look unprofessional.

Landscape Architect

2008-01-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

You will often have to create a large presentation for clients, and will spend hours coloring in landscape illustrations with markers. But if you say the drawings are “rendered” rather than “colored,” you can charge four times as much.

Cartographer

2008-01-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

Mapmakers will often use “copyright traps,” bits of information in their maps that are purposefully wrong. They might label a body of water “Lake Strongbad,” for instance, and then examine the next editions of competitors’ maps to see if the incorrect information makes an appearance.

Auto Mechanic

2008-01-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Always put copper grease on the battery terminals after servicing a car. The performance benefit is negligible, but when customers look under the hood they will immediately see that something’s changed and thus feel happy to pay you.

Actor

2007-12-31T06:36:00.000-08:00

Every actor eventually is called upon to act drunk. Most do this by slurring their speech, stumbling around, and perhaps drooling a bit. This is what a freshman drama teacher calls “indicating.” A better way to appear drunk is to act very, very sober. Walk very carefully, and try not to let anyone see that you’re inebriated. This is much more subtle and will register on a level the audience won’t immediately recognize.

Cardboard Box Flattener

2007-12-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

When hitting the sealed bottom of a cardboard box to flatten it, do not punch it with your knuckles like you’re boxing—that will start to hurt real quick. Instead, strike it with the bottom of your fist, as if your hand were a gavel.

Botanist

2007-12-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

When working in the field, stick a strip of duct tape to your pants. You can take it off while working to quickly remove large masses of ticks, biting ants, and thorns. If you know the length of each of your fingers as well as your handbreadth in centimeters, you can measure the leaves of most plants without having to pull the ruler out of your backpack. And when doing botanical work in South America, steer clear of the monkeys: They will throw sticks at you with surprising accuracy.

Attorney

2007-12-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

Do whatever it takes to fit your contracts onto a single page: Format with single-spacing, use a 10- or 9-point font, and reduce the margins to less than an inch. Most people assume any contract that fits on one page will be simple and straightforward, and even sophisticated negotiators can be charmed by the lack of a staple.

Jeweler

2007-12-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

When setting a semiprecious gem, set a tiny piece of silver or gold foil behind it to make it sparkle.Also, because most stones are pretty irregular (being stones and all), fill the base of the setting with sawdust so the stone will set evenly.

Graphic Designer

2007-12-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

If you have a client who is unable to approve a proposed design without putting her stamp on it, just put an obvious error in the proposal: a logo that’s too large, a font that’s too small, or a few judiciously seeded typos. The client requests the change and feels she’s done her part—and your design, which was perfect all along, sails through to approval.

Forester

2007-12-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

Never walk behind another person in the woods, because yellow jackets build their nests underground. The first person in line will disturb the nest when they walk over it, but it’s the poor suckers trailing behind who catch the wrath of the stirred-up bees. You can generally tell the more experienced forester in the group because he’ll be the one in the lead.The senior forester also will be the one either driving the truck or sitting in the middle seat; it’s the guy who’s riding “shotgun” who has to get out to open and close every gate they encounter.

Desktop Support

2007-12-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

When desktop support technicians resolve a ticket, they are usually required to document the cause and solution to the problem. Supervisors see these records, so you have to be professional, but can usually get away with using the acronym “PEBKAC” in situations where the user caused the initial problem. PEBKAC stands for “Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.”

Clarinetist

2007-12-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

Clarinetists in orchestras often need to swap between a clarinet in the key of B-flat and one in the key of A right in the middle of a piece—with only about two seconds to spare. To do this they must yank the mouthpiece off the instrument they’re playing, grab the other clarinet from its stand, shove the mouthpiece onto the new clarinet, and drop the other one onto the stand. Worse, clarinets are black, clarinet stands are black, and this maneuver is usually done in the darkness of a concert hall. So what many clarinetists do to know which clarinet they’re holding is place a piece of blue painter’s tape on the back of one, or use thumb rests of different colors. And to help aim for the clarinet stand, some paint theirs with glow-in-the-dark paint.

Balloon-Twister

2007-12-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

When you’re twisting balloons for children, never tell them what you’re making. The majority of the finished products—despite your best attempts—almost always look like a dog, a blastula, or something vaguely phallic. If you identify what you’re actually attempting to make, the children will respond to your finished product with, “That doesn’t look like a [insert animal name]…” But if you make the animals and then ask, “What does it look like to you?” the child’s imagination will take over, turning the blue, four-legged balloon into Blue from Blue’s Clues, the blastula into a Pokemon, and the phallic object into an elephant. You’ll also get bonus points because you were so cool for making exactly what they wanted.