Adventures in being a Mom

Midwinter Blahs

2012-02-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

I know I've been MIA for several days. Of course I haven't been the best blogger here lately anyways. I'm not sure why really. I guess a whole passel of reasons. The biggest being life is just kind of blah right now. Nothing exciting to share. Things are just gloomy and glum and the same old thing.

We are staying busy, not with anything exciting... just the normal day to day of life. Little things to do constantly and to top it all off I have a sick hubby (I love him dearly... but why is it when he gets sick it is always the end of the world?) and a grumpy 3 year old. (Yep we breezed through the terrible twos with not much terrible. Turns out he was saving the terrible to go with the horrible monstrous threes)

I'm starting to prep my classroom and my mind for some changes at work next year. I'm pretty sure I won't be n fourth grade teacher next year... and I'm okay with that. There's just a LOT of work that goes into moving classrooms.

I did find some time to make a Valentine's gift for my hubby. I'll post about that tomorrow - after he sees it. And I even sqeezed in time to bake some cookies for WeeMan to take to the sitter's house tomorrow. He helped decorate them... good thing the kiddos all like sprinkles... lots of lots of sprinkles.

I'm trudging along with my weight. I am working to get back to keeping track of my points and I'm dusting off my elliptical.... hopefully one of those things will help me get going again.

I'm cutting this short and wrappng up b/c my eyes are drifting closed even as I type.

The Skeleton in my Closet

2012-02-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

I have a confession - it's not something I'm proud of. In fact not many people know this about me at all. I am a recovering bulimic. In my late 20s - early 30s before I got married, before I even met my wonderful hubby - I decided I was tired of being fat and alone. I was tired of trying diet after diet and working my buns off - to not really work my buns off. So I started binging and purging.

Call it an experiment if you like at first. I wouldn't really say I was binging - I didn't eat a ton, in fact I was eating much less than normal. I just made myself throw up after almost everything I ate. At first it was hard and I felt ashamed. But the longer I did it... the easier it became. Then I didn't feel ashamed. Instead I felt guilty if I ate and didn't get sick. It became a necessity in my mind. I started working out a LOT too and I lost weight - a LOT. I weighed less than I had since junior high. I still wasn't skinny by any means.... but I was no longer over 200 pounds - by the time I met my hubby and we started planning a wedding I was wearing a size 12. A huge accomplishment for me. I hadn't been in a size 12 since I was 9 or 10.

My weight has always been my biggest downfall. I have dealt with feeling unlovable, unaccepted, alone, bullied, rejected, hurt, disappointed, broken hearted, ugly, etc... because of my weight since 3rd or 4th grade. It wasn't that I was skinny before that, but I think that's the age where I remember kids started teasing and it suddenly started being important in my life. No matter how many times they say words don't hurt you, they being the adults in a kids life - they're wrong. Words leave scars dug down deep inside. The kind that won't just heal and go away. These are the scars that are so deep inside your heart they will remain 20 even 30 years down the road. They are the poisonous scars that will quietly fade to grey and be silent... then months, years down the road... you will have forgotten them or think they're gone and they will rear their ugly heads. You'll hear those words again - when you're in a moment when you need all the confidence you can get... they'll be there. Waiting for the slightest sign of weakness.

Why am I telling you all this now? Because I'm struggling and I just need to get it out there in writing. I need to hold myself accountable - try to write those demons back down. I've been doing good with my Weight Watchers, but I'm on a plateau. Things have definitely slowed down. The weight isn't coming off as quickly and it's hard and I miss eating the "good stuff" . I know right now so much of my heart is in a shadowy place. We're still struggling with decisions about church, I'm struggling with letting go of the plans I had for my life as far as children, I'm feeling like a failure as a woman, I'm feeling rejected/ betrayed by God at times and I'm weak. In my weakness - I hear that old friend whispering to me that I could lose weight a lot faster if I did it the old way. The soft sibilant whisper after a meal , "I can't believe you ate that... how do you ever expect to get thin by eating like that... just go take care of it. You know what to do. No one will ever have to know." It slips into my dreams - my quiet time at night, "If you were thinner you'd get pregnant. If you were thinner you'd never have lost your baby. If you were thin you'd be happy and life would be perfect."

I know that whisper is not the truth. I know that is the sound of Satan trying to lead me astray in my weakness. I shout out above the whisper to my God in prayer. I drown it out with music that makes me happy and the laughter of my little WeeMan. But I need to say that it's there hovering... tempting... teasing.... trying to lead me into the shadowland. I could use a few prayers to help me out of this dark.

Changes

2012-01-29T20:57:00.001-05:00

Our family is working on some big changes in February. We are try to dig our way out of debt. We want to be in a better place financially before we even think about moving forward with adoption or anything else. So for the month of February we're going to try a spending freeze of sorts. We will of course pay our bills and buy necessities that we can't buy too far ahead of time - like milk, fresh fruits and veggies, etc. We've agreed that if we do need to go to the store we will only go to Aldi's or our dollar stores. We have a Family Dollar and a Dollar General that are well stocked and give good deals with coupons. I'm not sure what we'll be doing for Valentine's Day, but I'm hoping to keep it cheap. I think I'm going to make Hubby something... just have to figure out how exactly and what exactly I'm going to do. I know I have plenty of supplies on hand.

I've struggled this weekend with the knowledge that we will probably not have another biological child. I watched Dr. Oz on Friday - I'm not a fan of the show, but I knew Friday's was going to be about IVF and having children at an older age. It definitely raised some concerns and I felt like it pushed us even more towards adopting... but I ache with the thought of not being pregnant again. I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling weeman grow and move inside me. I loved that closeness. I pulled out my maternity clothes and took two big bags to a friend who needed them and it felt good to know they would be used, but it was a bittersweet kind of good.

We went back to our normal church this weekend. It was a bit better, but I still feel so disconnected there. I can't help thinking about the hope that I felt last Sunday when we walked out of the Awakening Church. When we leave our home church I just feel tired and drained... I don't think that's how church is supposed to make you feel. We're biding our time at our church right now - praying for guidance and for strength to make whatever choice we are supposed to make. I'm thinking by the end of February we'll have our answers about that front too.

I'll try to do better about posting this week.

Contentment

2012-01-17T11:25:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't posted a lot lately, there's not much to say. My family is learning to live in a place of contentment. I don't know that content is the best word for what we're working through, but it seems to be the closest. It's been almost 6 months since we lost Zion. I would be nearing my third trimester now - getting to that point of nesting and beginning to worry less. That wasn't the road God had chosen for us though. My heart still aches - every once in awhile there will be a moment when I just have to stop and catch my breath and let the tears fall, but I am beginning to be able to see in a new light.

Hubby and I still long for another child, but now we are not sure that that child will join our family through ivf. If you had asked me the week after I lost Zion - my answer would have been a whole hearted "yes I want to go again" Lately I seem to see more and more signs pointing us toward adoption. Originally we had planned to have one more child through IVF and then pursue adopting through the foster care system for child number 3 and maybe 4. Honestly though, I wonder if we would have had one more and then decided we were done and never gone ahead with adopting. Now it seems like there is a reference to adopting everywhere I turn. We've been praying that God would guide us and show us the path we are meant to take and I think he is. In fact I was talking to one of my friends and sharing everything we had seen and the strange little things that had been happening lately I wrapped up by telling her we were praying for a sign, and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Really are you serious? You don't think all these things are supposed to be signs?" I guess I just want to be sure. I want to KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt that we are doing the right thing. Honestly, too, Hubby is not in the same place I am. I see him beginning to change his thinking as far as IVF - but he's not 100% sure yet.

In the meantime we are being content with our family of three. We still harbor hope for a miracle - but we are trying to get life back in order, pay down debt, and get our family to a place where we feel comfortable moving forward with whichever path we take.

Super 3rd Birthday Party

2012-01-08T21:47:00.001-05:00

This weekend we celebrated WeeMan's third birthday. (only a week after the date!) But I think he liked having it stretched out.

The day got off to a rocky start - we had no water in the morning due to a leaky spigot outside and a oops moment when hubby tried to change it. There was the fear that I was going to have to crawl into the crawl space.... um there's creepy crawlies in there and it's dark. No thank you! and also the threat that a plumber was going to have to be called on a SATURDAY! Can we say ouch! But Hubby and his cousin were able to save the day and solve the problem. At least for now. (A plumber lurks in our future... but at least it's not immediate future.)

WeeMan of course wanted a Superhero birthday. Complete with a Larry Boy cake. I planned to dress him up like a Superhero - so we visited Walmart. A costume was created with boys navy blue long underwear, red underwear, yellow duct tape, his yellow rain boots, and the cape I had bought off Etsy last summer. Very spur of the moment we ended up calling his friends and asking them to dress up too. (one of my friends suggested it - and having them all dressed up totally made the party!) My mom made all the capes for them. (That was not spur of the moment - we bought the supplies for those on Black Friday weekend for a good price.) So I know you're dying to see pictures. Here you go!

Long underwear, duct tape, rainboots, red briefs, and a superhero cape equals Super WeeMan

Super WeeMan and his Cousin - she had to have a duct tape belt too - the stars were foam glitter stars from Walmart

Super Hello Kitty Girl aka WeeMan's girlfriend

LarryBoy cake made by a friend from church - isn't it amazing!

Instead of ice cream we had fresh fruit salad in waffle bowls - big hit for the kids and adults.

Impromptu Dancing party in front of the photo backdrop (aka white sheet and balloons)

Super Cousins

Can we eat the cake yet?

More dancing - the games I had planned to put together didn't get done since I was busying panicking about the lack of running water and bathrooms (ummmm preschoolers without bathrooms equals bad idea!)

Love the capes from the back. Wish we had all of them!

Yep WeeMan was the only boy there! There must have been something in the water the year he was born b/c most the of the kiddos we know his age are girls. Doesn't bother him though!

So that's how you put together a Superhero birthday party! I don't know what I'll do next year... I don't think there's anyway to top this one.

Linking up to

Debbiedoos Newbie Party

Homemaker on a Dime Creative Bloggers Party and Hop

One more birthday gift

2012-01-04T22:32:00.002-05:00

As you all know last week my WeeMan turned 3. Ugh! Time is passing way too fast... but anyway on to the story. Lately he's been breaking my heart everytime the ASPCA commercials come on. You know the ones with Sarah Maclachlan and all the sad eyed dogs and cats. I know as if the commercials aren't heartbreaking enough on their own. Imagine WeeMan standing in front of the television saying "Mama the puppies/ kitties are sad. They're crying mama. They're in jail mama. They need homes mama. We need to love them mama." Yeah - heartwrenching. Then I saw on our local Facebook garage sale page that someone had kittens that he needed to place stat. Hmmm are you following me here.

Only one obstacle stood between me and one of those kittens between me and making my WeeMan uber happy. That obstacle was my darling hubby. We were a 1 cat family. We used to be a 2 cat family, but the year before WeeMan joined us - in fact while I was pregnant with WeeMan my beloved Isis had to be put down. Her kidneys had begun to fail and while I loved her dearly I didn't want her to suffer but the idea of dialysis for the rest of her days was not a place I was willing to go. After we lost her hubby and I had agreed we were a 1 cat, 1 dog family.... but not really. I missed having cats playing, and I'm pretty sure Larry missed her too (Larry is my 8 year old cat- the former baby - he was younger than Isis) of course Larry will not admit to being lonely! But anyways I mentioned the kittens to hubby and I showed him the pictures of the kittens and he didn't say no - but he didn't say yes either. Then two nights ago while we were watching television with WeeMan one of the commercials came on. The next thing I knew hubby was agreeing that yep we should rescue one of those kittens. So tonight we did. The kitten we brought home was going by the name Sylvester at his former home. You'll see why when I show you the picture. WeeMan can't say Sylvester - so he was briefly called "bester" which somehow changed to Lester and well I think Lester is sticking. Just seems to go with Larry don't you think.

WeeMan and Lester

A Sneak Peak of what I'm working on for Saturday - can you guess what kind of birthday party WeeMan is having?

First Crafts of the year

2012-01-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

It's a new year and I've been busy pinning wreaths - wanting to find something new and different from my same old standby wreaths. Today after all my pinning the craft bug hit. Only problem - it's snowy and I didn't feel like leaving my snug home to buy supplies - so I decided to work with what I had on hand.

First of all I had this old feed sack I bought with a stack of old linens at a barn sale this summer. I think I paid 50 cents for it - you can tell it was all faded and stained - but it called my name. Just didn't have a clue what I was going to do with it when I bought it.

Down to the basement I went in search of an old wreath to tear apart - a few strands of fake fall leaves later - this is what I was left with. I'd have rather worked with a foam form - but again - who wants to go out in the snow to the store. Not me! "Make it work!" as Tim Gunn would say.

Okay - step 2 tear that feed sack into strips. I know I know I wasn't sure I wanted to go that route - but I wasn't using it for anything else - because of the stains. Bonus it was worn so thin it tore beautifully.

Step three wrap the wreath form with the strips of feed sack. Yep this is the dangerous step - I hot glued the ends in the back everytime I started a new strip. I even liked the frayed edges as I wrapped. I ended up wrapping over it twice. The first time around I was careful to use the blank white strips. Then the second time I tried to use strips that had that gorgeous gray blue faded writing on it. Loved the color!

Here's the wreath form after two times around. Yes - I know the shape is kind of wonky - but I guess that's what you get from a Dollar Tree wreath form that's been stored in the basement. I love the look of the print wrapped around the circle. But it definitely needed something else. So here's where I was bad and didn't take pictures - step 4 pull out your scrap basket and make some flowers out of your fabric scraps - use that glue gun again and try not to burn your fingers too much!

As you can see I chose some red scaps - maybe I won't do anything different with it until after Valentine's Day - we'll have to wait and see. Whatever I decide I pinned the flowers on with straight pins so I can change them out later. I love the simpleness of it and the colors are perfect on my porch.

Okay so here's my final quick craft for the day. Take an old picture from a garage sale that you don't really love, but you love the frame on. Tape off the frame. Paint over the picture with chalkboard paint. Write your house numbers on it with chalk and voila a cute new sign to hang on your porch for free!

I'm linking up to The newbie party

and Creative Bloggers Hop

Tuesday To Do Party

andRock 'N Share

A New Year

2012-01-01T14:27:00.002-05:00

Welcome 2012. I have a lot of hope for you. Hope that your going to be kinder to our family than 2011. 2011 was a rough one. Oh don't get me wrong - I wouldn't have missed 2011. 2011 made our family stronger - lessons were learned in 2011. Our faith was tested and I'll be honest I think there for awhile I was failing the test. Parts of us were broken in 2011 and then we were put back together in new and stronger ways. But 2012 I'm holding on to you with hope. I don't know what you have in store for us - and I'm not real sure what paths our family will travel during you... but I'm not giving up my hope.

Things I'm going to work on this year (aka my resolutions)
1. I'll keep working on my weight and getting healthier. We'd be thrilled if that healthierness led to a miracle baby... but I'm not just doing this for that reason - somewhere along the way I started doing this for me and for WeeMan. I've got another 50 pounds to go to get to my goal weight - which is a weight I haven't seen since junior high school.
2. I'll continue to work on getting organized and along with that comes the added bonus of saving us some money - which will hopefully lead to getting out of debt.
3. I'm going to work on my faith walk too. I'm happy to say 2011 has helped my hubby in his faith too. So I hope that we continue to grow and pray together.
4. Recycling - in spite of the fact that our town makes it difficult to be ecofriendly and recycle - we're going to start.
5. Friday family nights were started in December - they are going to continue.
6. Our next step - we are starting to talk seriously about adopting through the foster care system - we will be moving forward with investigating the steps and our options in 2012.

SO there you have it - they're not new goals and they are certainly not world altering ones - but they're life altering ones for our family. Ready or not 2012 here we come.

Thank you Pinterest! our New Year's eve tree ended up being a great transition for WeeMan

WeeMan and his "girlfriend" welcomed in the New Year and made it to midnite

Happy New Year from our family to yours!

A Glimpse at December

2011-12-30T19:11:00.002-05:00

Hard to believe we're at the end of the month - the end of the year. This has been a rough year for our family - but December brought us some much needed healing. Here is a picture timeline of our month.

The beginning of December brought our first real snow - too bad it didn't stick around

I've got a project in mind using pictures of this tree my dad planted for us. Right after we got married

Christmas cookies were decorated

And eaten while being decorated

Christmas cards were made

Every year our family buys a new Christmas ornament - this year's is a Willow Tree figurine called "Love's Embrace" in memory of our little Zion

Cousins rocked around the Christmas tree at Pizza King

There were piles of presents waiting at Grammy's house

Hubby and I celebrated our 6th anniversary with a night away - much needed and appreciated

Christmas Eve brought more time with our other cousins and more presents to be opened

After Christmas eve service carrots were laid out for the reindeer and cookies left for Santa

Christmas morning

WeeMan got his very own rock guitar like daddy's

I love the way his hands are flying in this picture - so accurate

Santa hid the big present in the garage and the warm weather gave WeeMan the chance to go for a spin

Christmas day wore us all out

Then just 4 days later my baby turned three - this is his birthday morning picture - look at that big boy hair

A dream came true and we took him to Chuck E. Cheese

That's right I'm 3 now!

We celebrated at Chuck E Cheese with our best friends

Mommy had cupcakes waiting at home after dinner

WeeMan isn't too big for some cupcake love!

I'm coming back... I promise

2011-12-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

I've got plans to sit down and blog again. Really I do. I'm working one getting organized and getting it all together. In an effort to be more organized this year I found a terrific deal on Moolala. $25 for a 6 month membership to Relish.com (a menu planning website - emails recipes and then once you choose your recipes for the week - it will give you a shopping list) and a $15 gift card to Krogers.

Here's the link if you'd like to check it out yourself. I'm excited to get back on track.

Moolala - relish.com deal

Anyways I hope to be back tomorrow with a real post and some pictures from our holiday. Miss you all!

An Odd Season

2011-12-13T11:33:00.001-05:00

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I've loved this season since I was a little girl. It's more than the gifts and the decorations... it's just been the peace and the joy in the air. But I'll be honest this year I am struggling. Can't seem to find my balance. I'm up and down and all around. When I'm with my WeeMan the joy is there, but when I'm at work or just away from him the gloominess creeps in and fills my day.

I know a big part of it is just the year we've had. It's been rough and I know it's okay that we're still aching - but sometimes I just wish I could sweep all the pieces back up and put our broken hearts together. It seems like even when I'm smiling the tears are there hovering waiting for their chance to spill again. There seem to be little reminders of our loss all around from the song we sang at church on Sunday - which happened to be the one that we heard on the way to our ultrasound - to a coworker's unintentionally painful teasing about having more children. I try to respond appropriately - I try to hold my head up and wait until I'm in private or in the dark to let my tears overflow, but oh how my heart aches at times.

I just keep thinking we should be about 5 months along this month. At 5 months with WeeMan I was just starting to show and feel him move. I long for that chance again. The song that stabs at my heart seems to be everywhere - on the radio, in church, in my head, in my heart - and I just keep thinking if my God can move mountains - then why didn't he move one for us in August. I know - I know it's just bitterness and resentment talking - satan slipping in with his sibilant whispers... but those whispers can echo so loud in a heart that is aching with longing for a dream that slipped right out of our reach.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if we will go back to Dr. B and try again - I don't know if that's even possible or responsible with our finances. I want to believe that God still does miracles - that there is still hope - but I'm struggling. I want to find peace this Christmas - I want to be filled with joy - but both of those things seem so out of reach at times. I'm longing for Christmas break. I'm longing for that time to be with WeeMan to soak up his joy and to be reminded that the God is good even though we're hurting. Only one more week of school left. I'll just keep pushing on.

Life

2011-12-08T22:51:00.001-05:00

I just don't know where my words have gone. I'm struggling to find anything to write about. Is it lack of motivation or is my life just so boring?

I'm counting the days until Christmas break at work... I think the kids stopped counting and just started having break last week. It's been crazy. Full moon crazy at school. I know that they're wound up about Christmas and excited... but seriously it's exhausting to be constantly breaking up fights and begging for quiet. The bad news is our last day isn't until the 22nd. Do you remember when Christmas break started a week before Christmas and you got at least two full weeks off? I do - but that was back in the day when 180 was not the magic number that would fix all the problems in the education system. Is it bad that I dream of snow days? Some nights I'm worse than a kid... staring out the window and begging for a snowstorm.

Christmas is sneaking up on me too. I'm afraid it's going to find me unprepared. (I wouldn't be so unprepared if I didn't have to go to school until the 22nd!) I have wrapped some of the gifts and the tree is up and the house is decorated. I haven't even thought about starting baking yet though. I've got all these beautiful, yummy things pinned... and I suspect they're going to stay right there on my board. Maybe this weekend I'll find some motivation... maybe the buckeye bark I pinned will motivate me. I know I've got to get groceries and finish up my shopping. (I'm so close to being done. Just need a couple more things for hubby) At least we get to stay in town all weekend - so maybe I can get some things done.

Trying to catch up!

2011-12-05T22:40:00.001-05:00

As usual December arrives and I am feeling swamped. But I'm trying to move forward a bit at a time and not get so swamped that I'm miserable. I'm trying to keep the attitude that I'll do what I can and the rest - well it won't matter.

Today I managed to get most of our family's gifts wrapped. Now all I have left to wrap are the gifts for WeeMan and Hubby. (and of course the things I haven't gotten yet!)

In the past week we've had our first snow and it was a doozy - 4.5 inches. We also made a rushed trip down south for my great aunt's funeral. (She had Parkinsons and we had known she was in end stages. Couldn't swallow on her own anymore and had a living will - so refused iv's) Tonight we also had an impromptu photo session - trying to get some pics of WeeMan for our Christmas cards!

So here's a photo record of the last few days.

Santa

2011-12-01T20:37:00.001-05:00

On Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend we took WeeMan to see Santa. Yes we choose to do Santa, but we try to keep the focus on Jesus. I would like to find a book for kids about the legend of Saint Nicholas to help him understand who Santa was. Some of the things we do to keep Christmas from being all about the gifts and Santa are:
*We have the Jim Shore figurine called "The Real Meaning of Christmas" that has Santa kneeling before the Christ child and praying. We keep it in a prominent place right by the Christmas tree where WeeMan can see it and we talk about it often.
*Another thing we do to try to enjoy Santa without allowing him to overpower Christmas is WeeMan gets one Santa gift and his stocking. Then he gets three gifts from us and we talk about how the Wise Men brought baby Jesus three gifts.
* One of our favorite Christmas books to read is called "This is the Star" by Joyce Dunbar. It's the Christmas story told in a pattern similar to "The House that Jack Built". It also has beautiful illustrations.

If anybody has any other suggestions that will allow us to keep the true reason for Christmas in the forefront and still allow us to enjoy the traditions like Santa I'd love to hear them.

I'll just wrap up by sharing our Santa picture with you. WeeMan had no fear. In fact he sat and chatted with Santa like he was an old friend. So sweet to watch... he wasn't even spending the whole time telling him things he wanted. Instead they talked about reindeer and elves and snow. I love the way my WeeMan's mind works. He amazes me every day!

MIA

2011-11-21T21:49:00.001-05:00

I haven't been around much lately and honestly my thankful list has definitely lost out. Life is keeping me busy and tired. Sometimes I wonder if the tiredness isn't due in part to the sadness that still haunts me. Now don't worry...I'm not always sad. There've been highs in the past week - a date with my hubby, lunch with friends, smaller jeans, cuddles from Weeman, a good church service, and just today another weight loss goal met and a new haircut.

Here' the new do - I'll have to get hubby to take a pic of it on me sometime this weekend.

Even though life is moving along and my heart is healing, there are still moments that take me by surprise. I can be puttering around the kitchen doing nothing important and whoosh - there it is the unbearable suffocating sadness. It can be because of a song on the radio - a commercial on the television - something someone says - or just the way the water comes out of the faucet - all of a sudden my heart clinches and squeezes tight and I gasp for air. Honestly most days I think we're going to be okay no matter what...that if WeeMan is our only child on earth - then that is God's plan and I understand and accept it... but the sadness, the ache, the longing, the guilt from moving on with life and being happy... they all hover in the shadows.

Work wears me down most days now. When I started this job I believed whole heartedly that I could make a difference for every child I saw. Now I end the day feeling hopeless and aching in my heart for the lives some of my kiddos have. It seems like since we lost Zion every single hurt is multiplied - whether it's my own to bear or the hurt I carry for someone else. I know in my heart that I must be making a difference for some of them... I have to believe that or I would just give up trying now. But I wonder if it will be enough, if just showing them love while they are in my classroom can really be enough to make up for the life they live in the real world.

I know it's the season that's making it worse. This was my dad's favorite time of year and I ache to hug him just one more time. To feel the comfort of his strength and smell his pipe and know that life will be okay because he will make it so if it's in his power. I miss my dad. And I miss my baby, Zion. I'd be 5 months pregnant now - starting to show and maybe starting to feel movements. How is it possible to miss someone you never really had so much?

"The world may never notice

if a rosebud doesn't bloom

or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon

but every life that ever forms

or ever comes to be

touches the world

in some small way for all eternity

the little one we longed for

was swiftly here and gone

but the love that was then planted

is a light that still shines on

and though our arms are empty

our hearts know what to do

every beating of our heart says

We will remember you."

Thankfulness Days 10 - 14

2011-11-15T10:18:00.000-05:00

Oh man I am such a slacker! Here's some more pieces of my list - sorry for the abbreviated form and the abruptness.

* I am thankful for a day of training, that gives me a break from the usualness of the day to day. That day also gave me a chance to eat lunch with friends and co-workers and spend time laughing and breathing.
* I am thankful for a surprise glimpse of a former boy student, now a grown man. I am thankful that he remembered me and recognized me and spoke to me, and I am thankful for the reminder that I do touch their lives. That when they are grown and gone they will remember something I taught them. I am thankful for the hope I saw when he shared that he was in college - that some of them do make it out.
* I am thankful for diet Dr Pepper and a night spent crafting and giggling and eating and watching chick flicks with a dear friend. I am thankful that hubby is okay with that and that WeeMan and E had a great time playing while mommies visited.
* I am thankful for Weight Watchers and the motivation it provides. (Only 1 more pound to go and I'll be at another milestone!)
* I am thankful for my baby brother spending the day with us on Saturday and playing with WeeMan until he was worn out and tired to the bone.
* I am thankful for a hubby that spent shutdown working hard on projects around the house and bringing me lunch occasionally at work. I really LOVE that man.

Day 9 and 10 - Thankfulness Challenge

2011-11-10T21:08:00.001-05:00

Life is getting back to normal. I can see the top of the valley. Plus there's the added bonus that tomorrow is Friday.

Day 9 - I am thankful for new friends who have become sister friends. I continue to be amazed the way our friendships change over time. People you thought would be there for you when you are old and gray disappear. But God knows we need those relationships - and He understands that at different times in our lives we need different relationships. So whenever one of those friendships slides into the shadows He seems to have another one - one that will fill a different place in your heart ready and waiting.

In the past year I have been blessed to become friends with this beautiful lady. She is the kind of person who goes out of her way for you when you are hurting, who you can have a dead serious conversation with one minute, and the next minute will have you laughing so hard tears are rolling down your cheeks. Our friendship was really cemented the weekend this picture was taken. We were fortunate enough to be able to leave hubbies and kiddos at home and get away for a girls weekend to Louisville to see Beth Moore. I don't think I've talked or laughed so much in a long time. So I thank God for bringing such a blessing into my life.

Day 10 - I am thankful for new adventures. I have become a Tastefully Simple consultant. I didn't want to tutor again this year after school. I wanted something different and unschool related. I have recently hosted two Tastefully Simple parties and saw how well the product sold in my school and how easy and yummy everything is and decided after talking to hubby that it was worth a shot. Today was a big day for my new venture. I set up my website and I booked my first party/ open house. If you are interested in trying any of the products ( I LOVE the beer bread and the roasted onion warm dip and the cheeseballs and the... well just about everything.) stop by new site and feel free to place an order. www.tastefullysimple.com/web/rlivingston.com

Thankful Days 7 and 8

2011-11-08T19:25:00.001-05:00

Didn't get to post yesterday. It was a rough night. So I'll have to do two in one today.

For Day 7 I was thankful for insurance. We have decent health insurance through my hubby's work. (Minus the lack of coverage for infertility) I had to have a root canal yesterday and almost all of it should be paid by insurance. Then today I made an emergency trip to Redimed with a UTI and we only had to pay $25. I am very thankful that hubby has a good job that provides great coverage. I know those are harder to find in this day and age.

Today was a rough one for me. I'm struggling to find something to be thankful for. Today is a black day. I am just feeling hopeless with the whole baby situation today. I find it incredibly ironic that I'm doing a job I don't like b/c it was supposed to be less stressful for a pregnant me.... and I'm not even pregnant anymore. It feels like God is having a laugh at my expense. I know I try to convince myself that I'm okay with no more children... but my heart is aching today. So for today I am going to cheat a bit and be thankful for my WeeMan again. When I got home from my visit to Redimed he was waiting at the door to tell me he loves me. He threw those chubby little arms around my legs and hugged as tight as he could and my heart was eased a bit. I still ache today, and I still want to curl up and cry and feel sorry for myself... but I know I have my WeeMan.

Thankfulness - Day 6

2011-11-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for the wonderful friends and ladies I have in my church. I was blessed to listen to a beautiful lady share her story in the service today, and then to be comforted by sweet caring friend.

"God will not protect us from that which will perfect us."

Thankfulness Day 5 - My Mom

2011-11-05T23:35:00.003-04:00

Today I am thankful for my mom. My mom is truly an amazing lady. She has been a fantastic mother and a wonderful grandma. Growing up we may not have always gotten along. (But what daughter doesn't have fights with their mom) But she took the best care of us. She took pride in making us beautiful Christmas and Easter dresses. She even put together a couple of my prom dresses. (Even though I wanted black for my senior year) She suffered through years of 4-H trying to help us bake the perfect cookie, muffin, cake, bread , etc. She was not content to let us turn in a mediocre project. We baked batch after batch until we had it just right. She was a Band mom through my high school years, helping to take care of our uniforms, traveling to contests with us, and making sure we were all fed healthily. She was a brownie leader for my sister, a Sunday school teacher and a VBS helper, she was even the Easter bunny for church a year or two. She let me host slumber parties for my birthday, that grew in size every year. She taught us to cook, she tried to teach us to sew, and she baked the best chocolate brownies ever. (My mouth is watering now thinking about them). Christmas was always amazing - from the cookies, to the decorations, to the gifts. She went above and beyond.

Now she is a fantastic grammy. She will drop everything to come and stay with her grandbabies if they need her. She moved in with us for two months when I went back to work after my maternity leave, so I didn't have to find a sitter for WeeMan until the following school year. When she comes to visit she pitches in where ever she can and often that means she's on the floor playing with WeeMan inciting him to deep belly laughs. She continues to go above and beyond for her grandbabies and her kids. (In fact she's going to help sew superhero capes for all of weeman's birthday friends in December)

Tonight I'm saying thank you for my beautiful, generous, loving mom!

Thankfulness - Days 3 and 4

2011-11-04T23:09:00.001-04:00

Oops! I missed day 3. So I'm combining day 3 and 4 on here - which is oddly appropriate since they both share the same name.

Day 3 - I am thankful for my beautiful miracle baby. D - aka WeeMan - is truly a miracle. He was longed for and prayed for for over two years. We ached and prayed through two failed clomid attempts and 4 IUI's and then after we were completely broken. After I had surrendered everything to God on the floor in a heap of tears in the nursery - confessed that I had no control over any of this situation, only after that... our first try of invitro worked. It was truly a miracle that it did. He was a three day transfer - a mediocre tiny little 8 or 10 cell embryo... we weren't too hopeful but we prayed, hubby, the doctor, and I. We prayed that at least one of those little embys would stick. And he did.

He stuck through slow rising beta numbers. He stuck through first trimester cramping and spotting. He stuck through high blood pressure, low blood pressure, chest pains, crazy liver levels, ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome and a small spill on the deck stairs. He stuck. He stayed with us through a long difficult labor that turned into an unplanned for c-section b/c his little heart kept slowing down and scaring everyone. He stuck in spite of the fact that it was discovered his umbilical cord was shorter than it should be and he stuck even though he had two vessels where there should have been three.

He is my miracle every single day. He fills our house with laughter and dancing. My heart leaps when he comes to me and says, "mommy teach me" while holding out a book. At that moment I remember why I wanted to teach. He is my miracle when he's sleeping peacefully, when he's dancing and running, when he's pouting or curled up on the couch with me. He's even my miracle when he's stomping around the house kicking things. I am thankful that I struggled to bring him here... b/c it allowed me to know how much of a miracle he truly is

On Day 4 I am giving thanks for my father - D's namesake. My dad was one of those rare men who honestly was what he seemed to be. He was the kind of Christian who served in the church on Sunday and in the community everyday of the week. He would help anyone who needed help in anyway he could. He was wise and faithful. He raised us up to be strong, to question and to stand up for what we believe is right. He used to stage "arguments" with us at the dinner table - just to get us riled up... and to teach us to speak up.

He was also softspoken. He could deliver a prayer that quieted a room. He was never afraid to pray outloud, was usually the person delivering the before the meal prayer at big family gatherings and he just seemed to know the words to say. He was a man of faith.

He instilled in us a love of the outdoors. He loved hunting and camping. He would always prefer to be outside. We went with him to cut wood, hunt mushrooms and arrowheads, to check out where he was going to set up his deer stand, and anywhere else out in the wild he could think to take us. He always said when he retired he would move down to the hills of Kentucky and live in a little cabin with no electricity or running water and survive off the land. I know he was partly teasing to rile my mom up... but I also think he would have been perfectly happy to be a modern day mountain man.

He loved us all. He was planning to take those grandbabies camping and everywhere else from day 1. He was a good father and a wonderful grandfather. I pray that my D - will grow up to be the kind of man his papaw was.

Giving Thanks Link Up

2011-11-03T14:55:00.003-04:00

Who knew when I started my daily countdown that somebody would have already set up a link up party for just that reason. So I'm joining in. I figure it will be a great chance to meet some new bloggers and to read about other's reasons for being thankful. So I'm linking up with South Breeze Farm. If' you'd like to join up or just read what other's are thankful for you can visit here

I'll be back later today with my thankful post!

Thankful Day 2

2011-11-02T21:53:00.000-04:00

Today I am taking time to be thankful for our infertility struggles. In our small group tonight this was shared on the video and it just hit me straight in the heart. "God does not promise to protect us from what will perfect us."

If we hadn't struggled for so long and tried so hard to have WeeMan - would I appreciate him and the joy that he brings us daily as much? I'd like to believe that I would... but I live and work in a world where I see people take their children for granted every day, so I have to wonder if I would have fallen in that trap.

I know that our struggles made our marriage stronger. We had to come together, we had to talk to each other, or we would have fallen apart. I can't tell you how many times we just held each other and cried or prayed.

I know that this trip has made me stronger and more courageous. I've learned to speak up and speak out. I've been broken and on my knees crying out to God and I've been able to get up and move forward without losing my faith or my hope. I don't think the girl I was at 18 could have moved forward the same way. I've been able to help others by telling them about our journey and our choices and I've learned that infertility is not something to be ashamed of, that by speaking up I can help someone else who has just started this journey.

So tonight I am thanking God for our infertility.

Tomorrow night be prepared for more pictures!

Giving Thanks Day 1

2011-11-01T23:19:00.000-04:00

So I noticed on Facebook that several of my friends are taking time each day to be thankful for something. So I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon only do it over here on my blog. (I've been a blog slacker lately - so maybe this will help me be more consistent!)

Today I'm giving God thanks for my husband. Our first dance song was "The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. It was perfect for us because both of us had traveled our own rocky paths to find each other, until finally God put us in the right place at the right time online and the rest is history. Our journey together has been far from easy. Our struggles could have broken us down, pulled us apart... but instead God used them to bring us closer - to make our marriage stronger.

I thank God everyday for my hubby who makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or whether my hair is brushed, teaches our son right from wrong, loves, plays, and laughs with him no matter how rough his day at work was, loves me unconditionally, kisses me good night, and cuddles with me in spite of my cold toes. I am blessed more than I ever thought possible, because I have him in my life.

My Little Angry Bird

2011-10-26T21:48:00.000-04:00

WeeMan decided he wanted to be an Angry Bird for Halloween. Largely due to one of his best friends being one too. We've known this for about two months so I've been tossing costume ideas around in my head. We found an actual costume at the store for adults.

I wasn't too impressed.

So I decided to get crafty and make my own. It ended up being super cheap - just the cost of a red t-shirt and stocking cap. I had everything else on hand at home. It was also incredibly easy. I put it all together in less than an hour. Here's what I did.

WeeMan is a small sprout - so I started with a childs large red t-shirt. (for a bigger child I probably would have used an adults - you want the shirt to be BIG)

The cost of the shirt was $4 at JoAnn's - probably could have found it cheaper if I had started looking earlier or had used a coupon - but $4 still isn't bad

First I cut off both sleeves taking the seam with them

Then I cut off the collar with the seam. (I forgot to take a picture of this step) I also widened and dropped the neck in the back so that it would be easier to tie later on.

Next I cut across the shoulder seam and then trimmed the seam itself off. (It should look a bit like an untied sundress with wide straps at this point)

While I was in the cutting frame of mind I cut a small slit in the inside of the hem

Here are the shoulder after I tied them. I Probably could have gotten the sewing machine down and cleaned up all the outside edges... but I didn't

I found a long piece of red ribbon and threaded it through the slit in the hem bringing it all the way around

You will draw this up and tie it to make the bottom balloon a bit. We debated stuffing the inside with crumpled newspaper to make him fat... but I don't think we need to.

I used some sticky backed felt I had on hand and cut a large oval for his belly. I also cut two dark rectangles and stuck them directly to the knit hat. They aren't permanently there, but they'll do. If I get to feeling energetic, I'll tack them on.

WeeMan is wearing a red turtleneck and red sweatpants we already had under it. The cost of his costume was less than $6. Not bad at all in my book. And clearly he's a happy Angry Bird!