David just wrapped up his sophomore year of college at the University of Arizona.

He got straight A’s again last semester and is carrying a 3.91 GPA, which keeps him more than eligible for his full tuition scholarship. He’s also the leader of 49 amazing young men as President of his fraternity, Sigma Phi Epsilon.

I’m not stating these facts to brag, although I am very proud of him as an older brother. I’m stating these facts, because not so long ago I wouldn’t have believed that this was possible. In fact, I don’t think David believed it was possible either.

Do you know why? Because my family (all four of us) were telling ourselves the lie of:

“Michael is the smart one.”

Granted, my SAT scores were higher and I took harder classes in high school, but did that make me the “smart one?”

Parents sometimes label their children as the smart one, the good looking one, the athlete, or the social butterfly. Then their kids spend the rest of their lives living up to those labels.

Why not label all of your kids as the smart one? Why not tell all your kids they can do whatever they put their minds to?

Many of us spend the first decade of adulthood breaking out of the roles that we picked up when we were in elementary school. The chubby brother, the shy artist, or the class clown.

Or worse, we keep asking ourselves why we can’t be more like our older brother. Why?

Because our parents straight up asked us to our 6 year old faces, “Why can’t you be more like your older brother?” Commence inferiority complex.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but as some point when David was 13 or 14 we had a serious conversation together where I told him I wasn’t the smart one. I told him he was the smart one. And he hasn’t looked back ever since.

In fact, he will certainly have a more successful college career than I did (if there even is such a thing).

So, yes, my brother David is the smart one. But so am I.

We are both the smart one. We are both the good looking one. We are both the athlete. We are both the social butterfly.

We are both whatever we want to be.

And so are you.

You are the smart one. You are the good looking one.  You are the athlete. You are the social butterfly.

And you can be whatever you want to be.

And if this is the first time you are hearing this in your life, everyone else has been lying to you up until now.

Now go get ‘em smarty pants.

I just ended a relationship with a woman who I love dearly.

Loving her was like drinking fresh water after a lifetime of drinking saltwater. Being with her was like bathing in light.

Time spent together moved at quarter speed. A week together felt like a month. Nothing else mattered in the world when we were together in our love bubble.

In reality we only spent less than a couple weeks together over the course of the past six months, but I feel like I’ve known her forever.

Despite the mind-blowing intimacy and connection we had, she wanted more than a couple days or a week every month.

But I’m not ready for more. Yet.

I’m allergic to lying now.

It’s a drastic difference from the man I used to be a decade ago. He lied a lot. To everyone, including himself.

He worked jobs that he didn’t like. He dated women who he knew he didn’t have a future with. And he lied to people to make them like him more.

But now I just tell the truth. All the time.

And I told this woman who I love times a billion that when I really, really tap into what’s true, I’m not interested in a relationship that’s 1. Monogamous or 2. In Arizona. They both feel constrictive to me. At least in this moment.

I’m not done traveling. I’m not done living in a 24/7 TED talk. And I’m not done being young and wild and free. Yet.

So I walked out of her apartment and back out into the world. The world where I have no home, no office, and no schedule.

And today I sit on my friend’s couch in Venice, CA, a block from the ocean, and I’m sad.

Overwhelming sad.

“Holy shit am I going to die?” sad.

The pain has taken over my chest cavity. Most of the time it’s dull, but sometimes it’s sharp. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s been with me since I saw her last a couple days ago. It gets worse when I’m alone and quiet. The moment before I go to bed and the moment when I first wake up are the worst.

In the past I would immediately mask this pain with another woman, an alcoholic beverage, drugs, or any other distraction. But today I’m just sitting with it.

Because in reality the only way out is through. And sometimes it’s ok to just be sad as hell.

Which is what I’ll be doing for the next couple of days. Oh joy.

As men we’re taught to hide our emotions. So instead of feeling them, we stuff them back into our bodies and carry them around with us.

Maybe the only time we cry is when we get drunk. Maybe we cover the pain with getting high, eating bags of Doritos, or losing ourselves into a video game.

Either way, it’s unhealthy.

Emotions are just a neurological response to the stimuli in your life. They aren’t good or bad. They are just part of being human.

Not giving yourself permission to feel your emotions is like not pooping. Ever.

It’s not natural and it’s hurting you.

I want you to follow these three steps.

1. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now in this moment?”

2. Then ask, “If I gave myself permission to fully feel this emotion, would it kill me?”

3. Feel.

I almost quit writing this post at least a dozen times.

I don’t even know why I’m hitting publish. I’m kind of an idiot.

But if it helps one guy feel again for the first time, it’s worth it to me.

PS – Uggggggh, this sucks.

PPS – But yaaaaay, at least I know I’m alive.

I’m tired of writing. I think.

Well, maybe.

I recently posted this status update on Facebook to see if anyone else is tired of writing too.

“I have dozens of blog posts in my writing queue but I’d rather just keep being superpresent and living my life instead of pausing for an hour or two to write about it. Anyone else ever feel like that?”

I got some great responses. But I still let the question sit with me throughout the day.

I let it sit with me as I worked out in the morning. I let it sit with me in the shower. I let it sit with me as I got my hair cut. Damn, I thought about it a lot as I got my hair cut.

What if I just stopped writing? What if I just walked away and lived happily ever after? Who even reads this shit anyway?

What I came up with after a day of thinking though was:

The World Needs My Art.

Wait, I mean…

The World Needs Your Art.

Personal development books are essentially all the same. Here, let me sum up every personal development book I’ve ever read in eleven sentences.

1. Always tell the truth.
2. You and only you are responsible for your life.
3. Live in the present.
4. Do shit that scares you.
5. Learn to understand other people.
6. Do more of what you love.
7. Be grateful for what you have.
8. Ask for what you want.
9. Learn from the pros.
10. You are worthy of love.
11. Everything about you is already perfect.

There, no need for you to read another word of personal development again. And no need for any of us to write another book, article, blog post, or status update ever again.

In fact, just read Napolean Hill’s classic Think and Grow Rich a couple times through and you’ll be better off than 90% of your peers. It was written in 1937 and it’s still one of the best personal development books ever written.

And seriously, who are we to be writing about this stuff anyway? Napolean Hill spent over twenty years researching success, wealth, and achievement.

Twenty years ago I was in seventh grade.

Here’s the problem though. If we all had this attitude, then there would be no more new material in the marketplace.

Parents would recommend books to their kids. Friends would recommend books to their friends. Wives would recommend books to their husbands. But no one would want to read them because they were all written 80 years ago.

What if every band decided not to create music because they would never be as good as the Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

What if every artist decided not to paint because they would never be as good as Leonardo da Vinci or Pablo Picasso?

And what if every author decided not to write because they could never be as good as Tolstoy, Shakespeare, or Dostoevsky?

It would be a much less colorful, magical, and inspiring world.

So yes, the world needs your art.

We need you to keep writing.

We need you to keep singing.

We need you to keep dancing.

And we need you to keep showing us what makes you feel alive.

Because sometimes seeing your art is the only time when some of us feel alive at all.

So keep shipping baby.

You’re in a crowded nightclub.

A guy bumps into you, spilling your drink all over you.

You’re there with your girlfriend.

You have to look cool, right? You can’t let this guy disrespect you in front of your woman. You need to fight him or else you’ll look like a chump.

You turn to the guy and say the magic five words.

“Let’s take this shit outside.”

Bad idea.

You’re an internet entrepreneur. Or a life coach. Or a mom. Or someone who works from home. Maybe you even work in an office.

Instead of taking phone calls from your office, couch, or desk, you grab your headphones and step outside to take the call.

Instead of sitting on your ass for eight to ten hours straight, you get several breaks a day to catch up with friends, clients, or potential referral sources while simultaneously adding some movement, sun, and fresh air into your life.

Instead of feeling stir crazy and isolated you feel connected to the outside world around you.

Now that you’ve read this, the next time you need to make a call to your friend, mom, or to the cable company, you remember the magic five words.

“Let’s take this shit outside.”

Good idea.

Facebook is a huge waste of time. Right?

On average, I spend around 11 hours a week on Facebook. At least that’s what RescueTime tells me.

Part of me thinks I’m an idiot for spending that much time on one website. The other part of me realizes that a majority of that time is well spent.

Here are 7 ways that I use Facebook for good.

1. To Create Events To Bring Awesome People Together

Nearly every city I go, I create an event to bring awesome, purpose driven, growth minded people together. Sometimes four people show up, sometimes twenty people show up. Every single time though I walk away a little smarter, a little more inspired, and a little happier.

More importantly though, I help create connections for awesome people who live in the same city. Nothing makes me happier than to see two people hanging out months later after meeting for the first time at one of my meetups.

And with the new Graph Search, inviting all your friends in a particular city to have drinks with you takes just a couple of minutes now.

2. To Crowdsource Ideas and Opinions

Anytime I need a second opinion on something I just ask my audience. Virtually any question I ask gets several responses from my 2400+ followers.

Whether it’s a recommendation for things to do in a new city, a book recommendation, or a question about my dopamine levels, someone I know knows the answer. And sometimes I get 10-20 responses on a single question.

So why not just ask? Asking for help is a sign of strength. And it takes a hell of a lot less time than figuring it out yourself.

3. To Let Friends Know Where I’m At In The World

I’m still living out of a suitcase. This year alone I’ve worked and played from three continents, six countries, and 20+ cities. Parts of being location independent suck, but for now the lifestyle is still serving me.

As I travel, I regularly use Facebook Places to check-in to restaurants, airports, bars, and attractions.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve checked in, only to find out that one of my friends was just around the corner. It’s allowed me to have spontaneous meetups, lunches, or nights out with friends who I might have not had the chance to see on that visit.

For example, I had just dinner with one of my close friends Willie Jackson on Monday night. We found out we were both in Los Angeles on Monday morning. Thanks to Facebook, these chance encounters happen to me all the time.

4. To Create Connections Through Pictures

I almost always try and take a group picture from the events and meetups that I go to with the intent of tagging everyone in the picture. This increases the chances that they will connect after the event.

Sometimes you only have a chance to talk to someone for a couple of minutes before getting sucked into another conversation. This is just another way that I try and help you have a second conversation.

5. To Give And Receive Expertise From My Peers

I’m a member of around a dozen Facebook groups. Several are for life coaches, several are for attendees of various conferences, several are private groups for circles of friends, one is for digital nomads, and one is a private group I run for Men’s Coaches (email me if you want in).

I spend a couple minutes each day checking into these groups to see if I can offer my expertise. Sometimes it’s around copywriting, sometimes it’s around coaching methods, and sometimes it’s just a simple “sending you love right now” when someone is going through some shit.

I also ask a lot of questions. If I have a question about living on the road or foreign transaction fee free credit cards I ask the Create Your Nomadtopia group. If I have a question on the best way to send out invoices I ask The Business Of Coaching group. And if I have a question on the best books and resources around masculinity I’ll ask the Men’s Coaches group.

This saves time on research, lets me test ideas with subject matter experts, and creates dialogue that others benefit from as well.

6. To Keep A Diary Of My Travels

You might be tired of seeing me post numerous pictures and check-ins from all over the world. Sorry I’m not sorry. It’s one of the easiest ways I’ve found to track my travels.

Sometimes I’ll go back to the map to try and remember where that great hookah lounge was in DC.

Sometimes I’ll go back to a check-in to see exactly when the last time was that I saw my friend before I call him.

And sometimes I just look at my pictures when I’m feeling a little low and relive the roller coaster that has been the past two years of my life. It certainly helps me be more grateful when I’m falling into the trap of feeling “not enough.”

So yeah, all these checkins and pictures are for me. If you don’t like it, just block me from your newsfeed.

7. To Share What I’m Learning With The World

I’m still learning. A lot.

I read every day. I get coached regularly. I have mindset shifting conversations almost every day with friends, either in person or over the phone. I even learn from my coaching clients.

Sometimes I’ll coach a client on an issue and I’ll feel like I’m right there with him getting coached.

Almost every day I learn something that benefits me.

And as soon as I learn it, I share it.

Because it would be selfish not to.

In summary, Facebook is a giant waste of time. 11 hours a week to be exact. But it’s still the most powerful platform for connecting with humans.

And considering that life is all about relationships, it’s one of the most important tools that I use to live a fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying life.

I turned 32 today.

It’s been nearly ten years since I’ve graduated college.

I have less strength, less energy, less hormones, and less hair than I did a decade ago.

My little brother who I held in my arms as a newborn baby when I was 12 years old is now a sophomore in college and president of his fraternity.

I used to listen to music on cassette tapes, make phone calls on pay phones, and send messages to girlfriends on beepers.

Many of my friends are married or in serious relationships. I’m starting to become “Uncle Mike” to dozens of kids all over the country.

I haven’t owned furniture in over a year. I’m still living out of a couple of suitcases and wherever my 2011 Toyota Camry takes me. And I just spent a month partying with my friends across four countries. I essentially live the life of a 19 year old.

I’m getting too old for this shit. Right?

But wait… what if that’s just another lie?

Just another excuse to not step into my greatness. Just another cop-out from doing something that scares me. And just another story to keep me safe, comfortable and ultimately unfulfilled.

Tim and Nina Zagat were corporate lawyers in their forties when they first started printing their restaurant guides. In September 2011, they sold their little company to Google for $151 million.

Ronald Reagan wasn’t elected to his first public office until he was 55 years old. When he won California’s gubernatorial race in 1966, nothing on his resume made him look like the next two-term President of the United States.

Harland “Colonel” Sanders didn’t become the chicken mogul we know and love until he was 65. After his single restaurant and motel in Corbin, KY started to fail, he started touring the country selling Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises and sold the business a decade later for $2 million with over 900 locations.

And Anna Mary Robertson Moses, better known as Grandma Moses, was one of the biggest names in American folk art despite never picking up a brush until she was well into her seventies. She was 76 when she began painting and she lived as a painter for another 25 years, watching some of her canvases increase in price from $3 to $10,000.

They didn’t believe the lie of “I’m too old for this.” They just started.

What if instead of saying “I’m too old,” we all replaced it with “I’m the perfect age” instead?

Here, I’ll go first.

I’m the perfect age to be taking huge risks.

I’m the perfect age to be starting a business.

I’m the perfect age to be traveling the world.

I’m the perfect age to still be making mistakes.

I’m the perfect age to be single and without children.

I’m the perfect age to not be contributing to my 401k.

I’m the perfect age to go out dancing until the wee hours of the morning.

And I’m the perfect age to be experimenting with what works and what doesn’t work in my life.

I’m the perfect age for this shit.

There, that feels much better. So what are YOU the perfect age for?

I’m a big Tim Ferriss fan.

The 4-Hour Workweek created huge mindset shifts in how I look at time, money, and business. For many of my friends, it was the gateway drug that led us down the path of entrepreneurship, location independence, and ultimately freedom. So thanks a million Tim. You rock brother.

I was watching one of his YouTube videos online recently and I came upon this comment:

“this guy is a faker f*ckbag. cahing and the sound of his own voice seem to be his favourite sounds. PS he has a pissy body and is losing his hair…maybe do a 4 hour keep your hair. doosh!”

Yes, Tim has less hair than he did when he was a teenager.

I certainly do as well. I’m reminded of it every time I get a haircut (or when I look at that picture up there).

But who cares?!?

Tim’s books have single handedly helped tens of thousands of people live remarkable lives. He packs in more life experiences in a year than many people do in a lifetime. And he’s raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for a number of philanthropic causes.

A hair-raising lifestyle indeed.

But if you look in the comments of any of Tim’s YouTube videos or mainstream news coverage, there are some people out there who spend four hours a week just hating Tim Ferriss.

And how does that benefit them?

More recently I was talking to some friends about Kesha. Wait, I mean Ke$ha.

I like Ke$ha. Probably way more than the average 31 year old man should. I have several of her songs on my workout playlist. And I have a special place in my heart for the song “Crazy Kids.”

I actually respect the fact that she clearly doesn’t give a fuck and she just makes music and makes money. But a lot of people hate Ke$ha. A LOT. My friends tried to spend a good five minutes convincing me why she sucks.

“Her lyrics are garbage. She writes about nonsense. She spells her name with a dollar sign. She had a song about brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels.” And so on and so on.

Here’s one of the many articles that comes up when you Google “Kesha hate”: 5 Reasons Why You Should Hate Ke$ha.

After the first four reasons, the true reason for the existence of the post comes out:

Exactly.

A month ago I was interviewed by NBC News about travel hacking.

It’s certainly not what I want my claim to fame to be, I just do it to travel for virtually free. I’m not one of those professional travel hacking guys, I don’t spend all of my time on FlyerTalk, and I don’t sell any products or services around it. I’m just a regular dude who helps awesome dudes become more awesome.

The reporter from NBC simply asked me some questions over the phone about how I work, live and play all over the world and I answered them truthfully. When the article came out I got more hate mail and comments than I’ve ever have from anything I’ve ever written or posted.

Here are a couple of my favorites.

Yawn.

So what’s the moral of the story?

This article isn’t about Tim Ferriss. This article isn’t about Ke$ha. And this article certainly isn’t about me.

It’s about YOU.

Every time you say the words “I Hate…” you are literally wasting energy.

Here’s what people really mean when they say “I Hate…”

• That person has something that I wish I had.
• That person reminds me that I’m not living up to my full potential.
• There is something I hate about that person that I secretly hate about myself.
• I believe that I deserve that person’s success even though I haven’t done any of the work.
• I hate myself, but the only satisfaction that I get out of life is cutting other people down.

Seriously, I don’t care about what you think of me. But as another member of the human race…

I Love You and all I want for you is sustained joy.

Every time you say the word “I Hate…” you are only hurting yourself. Every time you cut someone down or complain you are wasting time and energy that could be spent on making the world a better, happier, safer place to live.

Try this out for a second… think of someone or something that you hate. Really hold them in your consciousness for a bit.

Do you feel that tight, nasty, icky feeling in your throat, chest, or stomach? The only person that is hurting right now is you.

So stop it.

Be happy for other people’s successes. Radiate love towards all human beings. And eliminate the word “hate” from your vocabulary.

And remember, you’re doing it for your sake. Not theirs.

###

“Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar

I just got back from 30 straight days of partying with some of my closest friends. It started to feel a little like the Key & Peele LMFAO skit.

It started in Austin for SXSW, then New York, Berlin, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Den Bosch, Oslo, and Austin again.

After David and I didn’t get selected for NBC’s new Bear Grylls Adventure show, I decided I’d join one of my best friends for his 40th birthday celebration. It spanned four weeks across six cities and four countries. Why?

How many times have you turned 40? Exactly. Once in a lifetime baby.

I’m back in Tucson now spending some quality time with my family and trying to rebuild positive habits in my life. I wasn’t going to write about this experience, because who really wants to hear about how I took a month off and spent more time in a nightclub than in front of my laptop anyway? But as I started to journal about the past month I realized that there were definite takeaways that are worth sharing with the world.

So while a piece of me is afraid of what you’ll think of me, there might be something in here that helps shift your mindset. And seriously, what do I have to be afraid about after writing this bonerific post in February?

So here’s what I learned from partying around the world for a month (God, that sentence sounds ridiculous).

1. It’s OK To Play

I grew up in a family of four being supported by one government salary. So I learned quickly that if I wanted something I would have to work for it.

I’ve always been very good with my money. Not cause I wanted to, because I had to. I’ve never had a plan B. Either make enough money to pay for what I want or don’t do it. No calling Daddy for a bailout.

With that said, I’ve always maxed out my 401K and Roth IRA, kept personal spending at a minimum, and most importantly I always made more than I spent.

I had the belief that Income ALWAYS had to be greater than Expenses.

So when I had the opportunity to take off and hang out with my friends for a month straight, a part of me said: “You’re crazy. Shut down your coaching practice for a month? You just started taking on paying clients at the beginning of this year! You’re going to run out of money!”

But when I looked at the totality of things, I could afford it. I just had to give myself permission to take the leap. So I did.

And the once in a lifetime experiences I had with some of my best brotherfriends was worth way more than any amount of money.

Money is just one metric to define success. And a poor one at that.

2. People Who Put A Dent In The Universe Aren’t Out Every Night

Yeah, I like to go out.

From the minute I walk into crowded nightclub, I feel at home. Something literally changes in my state.

Sober, drunk, standing, dancing, with two people, or with two hundred, it doesn’t matter. It’s my realm.

I’ve made some of my best business connections in bars and nightclubs. Yes, going out until the wee hours of the morning has had a positive ROI in my business.

But the guys who are really crushing it? The guys who are making five figures, maybe six figures a month? They know when to slip out. You know why? Because they have work to do!

Yes, it is possible to go out four to six nights a week and run a business that covers your expenses. I know plenty of people who do. Especially if you live in Thailand, Colombia, Vietnam or some other country where the dollar goes a long way.

But the guys who are writing New York Times bestsellers and building scaleable million dollar business aren’t socializing their lives away.

So it’s up to you to decide what’s really important to you. What do you value? Fun or profit?

I’m still figuring that out myself.

3. We Are All The Same 

I’ve spent the first 100 days of 2013 across six different countries (The United States, Colombia, Mexico, Germany, The Netherlands, and Norway). In those countries I’ve connected with people from dozens more countries.

And as we shared our stories, goals, and fears, I started to realize that despite cultural differences, we are all the same.

We all want connection. We all want to make a contribution. We all like things that make us feel good. We’re all afraid of the same things. We all want to feel significant.

We all want love.

The best part about full time travel so far hasn’t been the food, museums, beaches, tourist attractions, or nightclubs. It’s been my restored faith in humanity and the realization that we’re all just humans doing the best we can with our current circumstances.

4. Travel Destroys Habits 

We talked a lot about habits during our family dinners and meetups. It’s an area of opportunity for almost every digital nomad I know.

Sure, I have a morning ritual, but it’s probably not going to happen when I’m at an Armin van Buuren show until 6:00am and I have a train to catch to Amsterdam Airport at 7:50am.

Travel is great, but the pace at which I’ve been traveling just isn’t becoming sustainable anymore. Yes, I’ve been packing a month’s worth of life experiences into every week, but at what cost?

I’m squishier than I’ve been for at least a year. My journaling practice has gone to shit. And in Europe my average waking time was usually somewhere from 1:00-3:00pm. One day I woke up at 7:00pm.

It’s been a couple days back here in Tucson and I’ve been up before 8:00am every morning. I’m journaling again. I’m going to the gym. I’m eating vegetables like it’s my job. It’s been difficult though. I’ve built some habits over the past month that don’t serve me. So changing those requires fighting inertia.

I see travel being a part of my life for years to come. I’m just going to make some minor tweaks to how I do it, specifically in regards to how long I spend in each place.

5. Bringing People Together Creates Magic

Every city that I travel to, I host a meetup. Sometimes it’s at a bar, sometimes it’s at a restaurant, and sometimes it’s where I’m staying at. In Berlin we hosted two meetups at our Airbnb flat. The first one brought around ten people, the second one brought in around twenty.

In just one night I learned about epic, blow your socks off design from Mars Dorian, shared travel stories with Ash Clark, and talked language hacking with Benny Lewis.

It wasn’t my intention at all when I started traveling, but I’ve built some serious social capital just by bringing brilliant people together to share stories and knowledge.

In fact, I owe much of my current lifestyle to Nick Reese, who had the idea of bringing ten of his closest friends to a jungle paradise for a week at the first Skip Winter. Thanks Nick. Love you brother.

Yes, we are wired to connect. In today’s digital world, people are thirsty for it. In fact, they are willing to pay a hefty price premium to actually be in the presence of other human beings.

So why not be the person to do it? Here, steal my copy even.

Seriously, if there’s one thing you take from this post, get some badass people together. Now.

The magic will follow.

6. I Don’t Have All The Answers And That’s OK

Wait, you said it’s OK to play? But travel destroys habits? Which is it Mike!

I never said I have all the answers. None of us do.

Life is one big experiment. Create, Learn, Improve, Repeat. Right Karol?

I still have things to work on. That’s why I’m working on them.

I’m not afraid to share my ugly. It doesn’t make me a less effective coach. Just ask my clients.

It just means I accept that I’m human. I accept that I will never have it all figured out. But most importantly I accept that everything about my life is perfect as it is.

Because seriously… I just took a month off to party with my friends and I’m writing about it on the Internet.

I’m a hugger.

I hug strangers. I hug my friends. I hug straight men. I hug gay men.

I’m staying in a flat in Berlin right now with four other men. We hug a lot.

And by hug, I’m talking about five second long, chest to chest, squeezing the life out of each other type hugs.

I say “I love you” to somewhere around twenty friends in my life. More than half of them are men.

I say “I love you” to Andy. To Willie. To Nicky. To Dan. I say it over the phone, I say it in emails, and I say it in person.

And I say it because I sincerely mean it. Those guys are my brothers by choice.

Yes, I have deep, genuine love for several men in my life.

And I’m a heterosexual male.

Based on my experiences in coaching, I think men and women view intimacy a little differently. This is a bit of a generalization, but I here’s how I see it.

When men think intimacy, we think Physical. We want sex, we want hand holding, we want kissing, we want physical time spent together, we want to feast our eyes on physical beauty.

When women think intimacy, they think Emotional. They want deep emotional connection, they want to open their hearts to us, they want us to open our hearts to them, they want us to share our dreams and goals, they want to feel their hearts filled with our love.

With this difference in needs, men typically feel unloved when their physical needs aren’t being met and women typically feel unloved when their emotional needs aren’t being met.

Again, just a generalization on my part.

Which is another reason why some men are afraid to hug other men.

Because it’s weird. Because it’s uncomfortable. Because it’s “gay.”

As men we are taught early to shut down our emotions from our fathers, from our peers, or from society.

• “Boys don’t cry. Girls cry.”
• “Crying is a sign of weakness.”
• “I’ll give you something to really cry about!”
• “Look at Timmy! He’s crying! Timmy’s a crybaby!”

We’re taught that being strong and unfeeling is the manly, masculine thing to do.

So whether we are aware of it or not, we hide our emotions from the world. We walk around with the front of our bodies collapsed. We have a shell around our heart that protects it from feeling anything at all.

Like robots.

So what’s the point of this post?

To tell you that it’s ok to feel.

In fact, you’re missing out on so much if you’re not feeling. Yeah, I’m talking to you bro.

The women in your lives open their legs for you, but not their hearts. They are yearning to see you feel, to cry, to share, to admit that you are human. They try to get you to open up to them, but you keep brushing them off by shutting down and jumping on your motorcycle or hiding in your man cave playing video games. And it’s killing them inside.

The men in your lives are your friends but only on the most casual level. If the conversation drifts away from sports, boobs, or work, they get uncomfortable. You’ve never shared anything of any real significance to them. They might as well be strangers. And what you think you know about them is only the tip of the iceberg.

But all of this can change right now.

Just open your heart and the world will open up for you.

And the women in your life will thank you for it. In more ways than one.

Yes, I love the men in my life. I am supported, loved, and cared for by the men in my life. I have real intimacy with the men in my life.

Because intimacy is a lot more than just jabbing your dick in a warm hole.

Tony Robbins, Martha Beck, Brooke Castillo, Joe Vitale, Steve Pavlina, Jenny Blake, Pamela Slim and thousands more.

We call ourselves life coaches, executive coaches, peak performance coaches, business coaches, creative catalysts, and relationship coaches.

You see our Facebook posts that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (or give you a kick you in the ass). You read our blogs or books, listen to us on podcasts, and watch us on television or web interviews.

You might think to yourself, ”Wow! What an amazing life she has! He has his life together so well! Look at how happy she looks!”

Here’s our dirty little secret though…

We’re all fucked up.

We fail all the time. We lie sometimes. We occasionally overeat and overdrink. We cry. And then we cry some more.

Sometimes we are mean. Sometimes we get jealous. Sometimes we are selfish. Sometimes we lose our temper.

We swear. We fart. We poop. We burp.

Sometimes we feel stuck. Sometimes we feel hopeless. Sometimes we question whether running this business is worth all the stress and uncertainty. And sometimes we even get depressed.

You should see what goes on in our private Facebook groups. An outsider might say, how is this crazy person going to help me make more money or fix my relationship?

But the fact of the matter is we do. Otherwise no one would pay us.

No, life coaches aren’t superhuman. But they are extremely effective at what they do. Here are some of the reasons why.

1. We’re not afraid to ask for help

The difference I see between my coach friends and non-coach friends is that we are not afraid to ask for help.

Sometimes things overwhelm me and I send a stream of consciousness ranting email to several of my coach friends. Sometimes I call them on the phone. Or sometimes I post in one of our private Facebook groups.

My coach friends reach out to me all the time. We trade time on the phone together. We help each other on our product launches. We proofread important emails for each other.

And when we reach out we have no shame in “not being able to do this all on our own.”

Because we realize that it’s actually much stronger, wiser, and healthier to ask for help than to try and navigate this world all on our own.

2. We know our weaknesses and shadow traits

If someone calls themself a “guru” or claims to have “the secret to a perfect life” than run for the hills. They are lying to you.

We all have weaknesses and shadow traits.

I drink more than I should. Then I overeat when I drink. I’m poor at implementation and follow through. Sometimes I’m selfish. And I regularly waste too much time on the Internet.

But at least I know it and I’m working on it with the help of other people, systems, and programs.

We’re constantly gaining more and more self awareness whether it’s by being coached ourselves, taking a personality test, attending a workshop, or reading the latest book on psychology, willpower, or performance.

So ya, we’re messed up. But at least we know how and we’re working on it.

And most importantly, we accept it.

3. We have a huge toolbox of questions, tools, and exercises to help you get unstuck

If I was in a mentoring relationship with you, I would tell you what to do with your life based off of my experiences.

But when I’m in a coaching relationship with you, I create a safe space to work through your biggest challenges through the process of asking the right questions. And I have a lot.

• What would your best self do in this situation?
• What’s preventing you from __________?
• Who would you be if you didn’t care about the opinions of others?
• What do you need more of?
• What do you need less of?
• What sucks right now?
• Who first gave you that message?
• What would love ask you to do right now?
• How is that story serving you?

A good coach doesn’t tell you what to do. They simply ask the right questions to help you to tap into your inner greatness. We are experts at the process of changing behavior, which is way more valuable than giving advice.

And once our call wraps up, we will be on the phone the next week to make sure you did what you said you were going to do.

4. We are not your friend

We may be friendly, but we are not your friend. At least during our calls together.

We demand the best from you. We hold you accountable and challenge you every week to do more than you think you can do.

We make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we make you cry. Sometimes you might even hate us a little.

But for an hour at a time we put every ounce of our being into holding space for you, challenging your limiting beliefs, and pushing you to be your best self.

And who do you have in your life right now that does that for you?

5. We’ve gone through a lot

Most of us are coaches because life bitch slapped us somewhere along the way and took our life off of autopilot. Or we suffered great trauma and learned how to cope with it and now we want to share that gift with you.

I was overweight when I was young and got teased because of my weight.

I had extreme social anxiety, to the point of not being able to even talk to a woman.

I grew up with a great deal of fear, shame, and guilt from my super strict religious upbringing.

And in the course of one year, I lost my mom, I lost my corporate job, I lost my apartment, I lost all of my material possessions, I lost my girlfriend, and I lost much of my identity. Some of these were stripped away from me, some of them were a conscious choice on my part. But the fact of the matter is, I went through huge loss after huge loss.

I know many coaches who have suffered sexual trauma. Others left abusive relationships. Others beat eating disorders.

But we learned how to deal with the hurt, the pain, and the loss. We learned how to succeed despite our shortcomings. And we learned how to live in gratitude, contentment and happiness despite our life circumstances.

And why would we ever want to hide that gift from you?

Yes, every life coach that I know is messed up. We are flawed, we have issues, and sometimes we are ugly. Do you know why?

It’s because we are human.

Just. Like. You.