ADVENTURES OF A FATASS

Holy Shit

2012-01-15T13:14:00.001-08:00

Long time no see, eh?

I just got a new iPhone and downloaded an app where I can blog from. This leaves me without an excuse to avoid blogging.

I just wanted to test this shit real quick. I leave you with a skillfully filtered Instagram photo of a fine hoodrat delicacy called "Hot Cheetos a la Cream Cheese."

Trader Joe's: I'd Be Dead If It Didn't Exist

2011-08-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

I know this makes me sound like a loser, but I have been living off of frozen food from Trader Joe's for the past 3 weeks and I don't think I've ever been happier.

As a busy, young indentured servant, it has been difficult for me to find time to cook and eating out can get pricey. I've barely had time to feed myself and can't even manage to eat perishable food in a timely manner. Thus, I have resorted to stocking up on frozens from Trader Joe's and let me tell you, these are in a class of their own. These are the Rolls Royce's of frozen cuisine. Yes, I may be delusional because I am overworked and underfed, but I am convinced that I hit the jackpot every time I warm one of these suckers up.

They carry an exotic assortment of cuisines and I feel like I'm taking a trip around the Epcot Center every week. As a worldly young lady, I am an excellent judge of authenticity and I have been mildly impressed with everything. Mildly impressed is the highest grade of approval in the world of frozen foods, by the way.

For example, my favorite dish is the Paneer Tikka Masala.

*This image was stolen via Google image search*

This dish is simply outstanding...I like to call it The Maharaja Meal. Glorious pieces of cheese, swimming in a pool of Tikka Masala sauce, served alongside spinach Basmati rice. I have spent many lovely evenings, spoonfeeding myself this and watching Hulu.

*stolen image*

This is the Tom Yam Wonton Soup. I haven't tried this yet, but I am beyond excited to microwave the shit out of this. You know how I feel about anything with coconut milk in it..............

*Also stolen. I am too lazy to walk to my freezer and take a picture and upload it. Fuck that.*

These right here are THE BUSINESS. Seriously, I've been on this one for a minute now and life doesn't get better than these two right here. Nuke them for 3 minutes, drizzle it with Tapatio, and its like a $2 trip to Tijuana.

I was surprised by how fresh the Ricotta and Spinach Tortelloni tasted...it seriously tasted homemade. Obviously someone else's home because fresh, healthy dishes don't come out of this home.

The Vegetable Pad Thai is the shit and get's a round of applause or a booty clap.

I think I first discovered these when I was in the 7th or 8th grade and we have been going steady ever since. If you have never had one these, you are doing everything wrong. Flakey, crispy phyllo dough filled with cheesy spinach crap is a gift from Zeus.

I could literally keep going ALL DAY LONG because practically every frozen dish at Trader Joe's is retardedass good. Trader Joe could get it.

STILL ALIVE

2011-08-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

No, I did not die...unfortunately for you, I am still alive and still have internet access. However, I've been busy because, I (unlike you) have a life. I understand that no one would have any reason to believe that claim based on every entry prior to this, but I swear to god I'm not just parking across the street from various Taco Bell's and staring at them through binoculars all day.

I am, however, never too busy to maintain my sexy figure...

Hit the Arroyo Chophouse in Pasadena with a bunch of cocksuckers otherwise known as my friends.

Lobster Mash. #sitonmyface

RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS. Mangled a ribeye with just my chompers (no hands!)

Chocolate souffle...OHHHHHKAY!!!

Syrup in downtown LA is pretty crackin. Crepes, waffles, Intelligentsia coffee, and weirdass expensive sodas.

Tito's Tacos in Venice or Culver or some place off the 405. Not your typical LA roach coach taco, more of like a fresher version of Taco Bell. I don't discriminate against any taco because all tacos deserve acceptance regardless of their fillings or origins. Unless they are vegan tacos. In that case, I feel bad for the taco itself and blame the idiot that made it for being an irresponsible, protein deficient loser. How dare anyone bring a taco into the world without real meat in it. Anyhow, I fucks with this place.

If you could have bottled and consumed my excitement for the opening of a Five Guys at the Fox Hills Mall, it would have been the equivalent of being hospitalized for having a weeklong boner after OD'ing on several dozen Viagra pills (if I am doing my math right.)

Everyone thinks I'm insane, but it was the most underwhelming experience probably ever. It's like when you go to Jack In The Box to get an oreo milkshake, but when you get there, the milkshake machine is broken and you have to back out of the drive thru. Or like when you go to a Boyz II Men reunion concert at a sketchy club downtown only find out the dude with the cane and deep voice isn't there. Just kidding, Boyz II Men is never underwhelming and they still got it.

Maybe I just went to a bootleg one?

I spent $13 on fake tattoos and Justin Bieber stickers the other day. #whyamisingle

...............And I think that concludes that.

Domesticated Grown Woman Type Thangs

2011-06-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and dine on a balanced meal of dino nuggets and a Corona on a glorious Saturday afternoon (like any other self-respecting twenty-four year old woman), it occurs to me that I should write in my blog.

Being that I am trying to be a responsible adult, I have been trying to cook more meals myself instead of eating out all the time. I can't say that it has been more cost efficient for me because I have a tendency to go overboard with ingredients and it takes me a solid 2-3 hours to prepare everything. For example...

Made a tray of baked mac & cheese for a potluck and then made another for myself. I spent a gang of bills on some aged white cheddar, smoked gruyere, medium sharp cheddar, colby jack, and an italian blend of cheeses. I spent an hour grating cheeses and watching basketball...WHY? Because I take pride in my mac & cheese like a REAL WOMAN (Paula Deen) should.

DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMN GINA!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I could have bought that shit from KFC for less than two bucks and it would have taken less than two minutes. EFFICIENCY FAIL.

After watching the Throwdown with Bobby Flay episode where he goes to Albuquerque and makes green chile cheeseburgers, I became fixated on recreating the burger. I didn't remember what was in it, but I was hell bent on trying to make them. Hit up Trader Jeezy's for some canned green chile's, ground beefs, and pepper jack.

Made these half pound monsters smothered with green chiles, avocado, pepper jack, and arugula. I set off my fire alarm a few times, but it was worth it.

I'll let you in on a secret: Asian and Mexican markets sell produce and meats CHEAP. I hit up a Filipino market on Vermont and Melrose and I only spent $30 on a weeks worth of groceries AND I got in touch with my roots for a good half hour. It was the shit.

I don't cook Filipino food very often because I leave that up to my mother, but the best thing about Filipino food is that there is a sauce packet in existence for every dish. All you have to do is add vegetables and meat...so incredible.

Made some sinigang, which is a tamarind based stew. I put pork, chinese eggplant, green beans, and spinach in it along with the packet of tamarind dust. Almost (not really) like how my mom makes it!!!

Samesies for the pancit canton in a bag!

Made Thai yellow curry with tofu and chicken a la Trader Jeezy's. You feelin that Instagram effect? That's my new shit.

I Got The Swag And It's Pumpin Out My Ovaries

2011-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

My bad, slackin on my pimpin again. Writing in my blog is hard when I feel like I'm being sucked into a vortex every day...plus, I barely know how to turn on my computer. Every fiber of my being hopes that made sense. ("Roll Bounce" is on VH1 right now and it's kind of difficult to concentrate when Lil Bow Wow is on skates, waving his moose knuckle around in front of me.)

I need Adderall in the worst way.

I am just going to upload a bunch of photos from my phone and say crazy shit about them.

Hit up Baconalia at Denny's, with the one and only Mona. Mind you, Mona doesn't eat pork and I had to stop her from trying to substitute our bacon for turkey bacon in the Maple Bacon Sundae. As one would assume, I developed gout several seconds after eating this monstrosity.

**********BEST TUNA MELT IN THE WORLD ALERT!!!!!!!!!*************
Okay, so Lulu's Cafe on Beverly and La Brea'ish has THEE BEST tuna melt in all of Los Angeles and quite possibly the world. Here I thought it was all about the tuna and cheese....WRONG. SO WRONG. It was about the fat, porous slice of sourdough that they toasted it on. I was head banging on the street corner for like an hour after I ate it.

Shout out to my brother, Eric for buying me a waffle maker that makes circus shaped waffles. Unfortunately, I am a failure because I can't figure out how to use it properly. Look at those sorryass boogers. Also, whoever decided to sell pancake batter in an aerosol can deserves the Nobel Prize in Chemistry because it solved about half the problems in my daily life. Lucky for the Batter Blasters people, I am on the Nobel Prize Committee this year ;)

Finally tried The Grilled Cheese Truck. Usually the lines for this truck are too ridiculous to stand in, but I caught them off guard one day on Melrose Night.

That's Mimi aka Banh Mimi aka Vietnamese Vanna White showcasing the Brie Melt, which has double cream brie, fig paste, and almonds in it. I brie melted in my muumuu :(

The Cheesy Mac and Rib. ILLEGAL, FUCKING ILLEGAL. I don't even know what to say. I was so blindsided by its gloriousness that I'm not even sure it was consensual??

This is why every Asian girl should have her license revoked. I accidentally drifted through a display of ropes and cones in my work parking lot when my favorite Chris Brown song came on. Had this cone lodged underneath my car all day. The security guards were nice enough to remove it from my cars underbelly...I hope they can still use it.

HIt up The House of Pies in Los Feliz for a nice, post-bar snack. I decided that the Broasted Chicken and Waffles was the way to go. I would go as far as to say that ROSCOE'S has got some competition. Yeah, I went there.

Fresh Strawberry Pie tantalized my butt plugs. I'm sorry, I just wanted to type out "butt plugs."

This is not a bicycle seat covered in chocolate mousse. It's actually the Bavarian Chocolate Cream Pie and it was a bit over-the-top for this little lady. I think I just miss the French Silk Pie from Bakers Square and I'm trying to fill the void it's created in my heart.

I always forget how incredible In & Out Burger is until I'm actually there, weeping and thanking god for it's existence in my life. Thanks for always being there for me, In & Out. I still find you attractive after all these years of taking advantage of you.

Taco Connosaurus

2011-05-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

I thought that I would at some point reach puberty and miraculously evolve into a woman, but instead something else happened. I have morphed into a full-on Mexican man and I kind of like it. I know it defies the laws of science, but I suppose this is what happens when you sodomize tacos and bags of Turbos Flamas so aggressively.

I live in a land where the abundance of taco trucks is so great that I often find myself swimming in an oblivion of tears and confusion. My passion for tacos runs deep, deep like the Tapatio streaming through my veins. Allow me to take you on a journey where I transcend the boundaries of race and gender by transforming into a Mexican man via taco inhalation.

My sister-in-law, Betty took me to Tacos El Pecas, which is located on Soto and 7th Street in Boyle Heights (I think its Boyle Heights.) We were on the way to dinner and she forced me to stop here for a pre-dinner snack.

Got a Al Pastor and Asada taco. HO-LY FUCK...best two dollars she's ever spent on my ass. I think it was here that I sprouted testes.

Had a coupon for this filthy 24 hour dive spot called TV Cafe on Olympic and Alameda, right around the corner from Sam's Hofbrau (a titty bar/restaurant) and skid row. My co-workers and I came here on our lunch break to take advantage of their family deal which was 10 tacos, nachos, beans, rice, cookies, and 2 horchatas for $15. Pretty incredible deal if you ask me. The tacos were whatever but there is an ARCADE located inside the restaurant. A great place to play Pac Man and sucker punch toddlers on your lunch break.

Been hearing a lot of talk about Leo's Tacos on Venice and La Brea, particularly about their Al Pastor. They only have Pastor on weekends, which caught my attention because I love when swine has an air of exclusivity. Look at this delectable chunk of porky fupa....RAWR!

This is all kinds of sanitary. I like to stick my fists in the salsas and let out one of those mariachi war cries. AHHHH HA HA HA!!!

PASTOR BITCH. It was seriously one of the best pastors I've ever encountered. They slice grilled pineapple on top like real Tijuana boss bitches.

Another amazing taco stand called Hugo's Tacos in Atwater Village. I'd consider it to be a bit boughier because they have vegan options (gross, I know) and it made me a little nervous. However, I've been hearing great things about this place and my friend Mona forced me to go.

Freshest pico de gallo I've had probably ever. The chips was on point too.

This is either Pastor or Asada...I couldn't tell the difference because they were all marinated the same. Pretty damn good...they were marinated with tender loving and Mexican yum yums.

In conclusion, I will probably be the first and only non-fugitive to run south of the border to fulfill my destiny. Oh wait, someone already beat me to that...

P.S. I SAW PRINCE IN CONCERT AND NOW IM PREGNANT WITH A PURPLE DWARF YOU ARE SO FUCKING JEALOUS!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Poisoning Myself: Coachella Edition

2011-04-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

As a twentysomething living in LA, I was required by state law to pay roughly $300 and drive two hours to the desert land of Indio to attend a festival called Coachella. Coachella is the Navajo term for "large gathering of dehydrated white people." This is where the people of my generation come to discover innovative ways to indiscretely piss themselves and devalue their livers--all while in the nude. Despite everyones predictions, I did not die of heat stroke in a porta potty. However, I realized that I had never eaten so much fast food and Pepto Bismol chewies in my entire life.

Being the smart person that I am, I pre-partied for 3 nights before I actually went to Coachella. My fellow hosebeast, Tina was visiting LA and we thought that it would be appropriate to completely ruin ourselves before spending 3 days in the desert. Night #2 consisted of Drai's, Jack in the Box, Stoli, Modelo Tall Boys, and Zico Waters (because we are responsible, young women.) That backfired because Zico Waters have the power detonate explosives in my stomach.

Coachella Day 1: What should have taken me 2 hours, took 5 hours after braving LA traffic on a Friday night. Got to Coachella right before the Black Keys set, watched that, and then decided to peace the fuck out after an hour. We retreated back to our hotel to drink Four Loko, make nachos, and do cartwheels/breakdance to the Lion King Pandora station until we caused sufficient brain damage to ourselves.

Coachella Day 2:The Denny's in Palm Springs is THE place to see and be seen. After all, we did spot Jeremy London there. Ordered hash browns with gravy, cheese, and onions because I am hip and have my finger on the pulse of all fried trends.

If I did not make this purchase, my friends would have ditched me and my eyeballs would have shriveled up and fallen out of their sockets.

Spent the morning accidentally tattooing my hair to my neck with temporary tattoos and roaming CVS looking for Justin Bieber memorabilia. Didn't find anything, but I did find this.

Finally saw the love of my life, Lil' B perform and nearly died in a mosh pit. I literally saw a girl emerge from the mosh pit covered in blood....doubtfully her own. It was an affair rich with delusions of grandeur.

Spent the remainder of this day shotgunning beers, people watching on the floor, lying to Egyptians, singing Blackstreet songs in a crowd of unenthused hipsters, urinating like we've never urinated before, and gathering loose bills on the floor at the raver tent. I've realized that the only benefit of being sober around a sea of people that are drugged is that they tend to drop money on the floor.

Coachella Day 3:

Spent the morning perusing the Dollar Tree and having an elegant lunch at McDonald's. Got to the festival and spent the entire day inside the air-conditioned smoking tents drinking milkshakes, smoking cigars, and discussing gnomes at ignorant volumes. Maybe saw a few bands?

The only pictures I took were of my favorite new sandwich from the Shrimp Pimp truck. This is the Victoria sandwich...luscious shrimps, mixed greens, and some kind of spicy aioli. Incredible.

Drank the night away, danced at obnoxious speeds at the Chromeo show, and got mindfucked by Kanye West performing in a ladies blouse. Spent two exhilarating hours not moving in traffic, trying to escape the horseshit infested "parking lot."

Alas, I am back in LA, in Forrest Gump mode and will probably never recover from whatever the hell happened last week. Miraculously, my limbs are all in tact and am still employed.

"Don't Just Eat To Live, Live To Eat"

2011-04-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S POPPIN SLIME?? Well you know, I'm just chillin, watching my pigmentally challenged boo Mayer Hawthorne eat dim sum. There is something curiously attractive about a man that films himself talking dirty to a dumpling as he unfolds it and stuffs it into his mouth.

I think my dream would be to sit at a roundtable with Mayer Hawthorne and Delonte West. Paula Deen would spoon feed us mac and cheese and we would all engage in deep, nut-shattering conversation about barbecue sauces. AND THEN we would all engage in a freestyle battle (Paula included) in a KFC parking lot. How do I sign up for the Make A Wish foundation?

.....I guess I should talk about things that happen in reality now.

So, I need to announce that I made Thin Mint Cannoli's because it validates my status as a intellectual (not that it was in question.) My office was having a St. Patty's Day pot luck and I accepted that as an invitation to kick everyones ass. For some reason, pot lucks bring out my competitive spirit and I always go overboard. For Christmas, I brought in a 50 lb tray of baked mac and cheese with 12 different cheeses.

Drove all the way to The Village Bakery in Atwater Village to avoid making my own cannoli shells. You know me, chasing convenience via inconvenience.

Robbed a group of leprechauns standing outside of a Ralphs for these.

Dreamed up the filling myself. Ricotta, peppermint extract, powdered sugar, mini chocolate chips, crushed Thin Mints, and a shit ton of green food coloring. I refuse to feel the embarrassment of showing up to a St. Patty's Day pot luck without green food.

Made a ghettoass piping bag out of a ziplock baggie. Please excuse my nails...I can assure you that they are no longer an abomination.

VOILA! Jesus loses, I win.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!

RAZMULBERRY BITCH

CHAINS AND WHIPS EXCITE ME!!

2011-04-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

Rih-Rih is onto something...everything does taste better whipped. If anyone knows where I can find Whipped Lightening in California, let a bitch know because I needed alcoholic whipped cream in my life like yesterday. LEGALIZE IT!!

ALLOW ME TO UNVEIL MY LATEST CALORIC FAILURES/VICTORIES!!

Went to Hama Sushi in Little Tokyo with my co-workers and it was legit. They only have straight sushi here and none of that weird cream cheese shit, which leads me to believe that this is a dignified institution. If I had things my way, I'd have a gut full of red snapper sashimi and spicy tuna handrolls from Hama at all times.

Mr. Q Cumber cucumber soda from Wurstkuche. I know what you're thinking...why the fuck would I order soda from a place that has 10,000 different beers on tap? I'm not sure, but I am happy I made this mistake because it tasted like fairies were doing pirouettes on my crotch.

Paddy Rice on Melrose is a boughie type pho spot in my neighborhood. Lychee iced tea...fuckwidit.

Usually I don't fuck with pho that isn't prepared in a rusty Vietnamese kitchen sink, but this places claim to fame isn't their authenticity...it's their meatballs in the pho. It's like having a bomb Italian meatball in your pho. Also, try their chicken wings. Fucking amazing.

It's hard to find good coffee in LA. There certainly isn't a shortage of coffee places, but the majority of places don't take pride in the quality of their coffee. Nothin but BAMMER. However, Cafecito Organico> on Heliotrope and Melrose got that artisan coffee roasting on lock. Got a little Cafecito in my system and I was FLYING.

The Carlos Benedict from Madame Matisse in Silverlake. Poached eggs & hollandaise on top of a potato pancake, spinach, smoked salmon, and capers. Whoever the fuck Carlos is, he's a GENIUS. Give a Carlos a raise for crying out loud.

You may remember a few posts back that I was impregnated by Mexican food and it looks as though I've given birth to our love child...his name Birdman Jr. Eleventh Grade. So precious :)

BASE FA YA FACE!!!! #swag

2011-03-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

WANNA HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME?? DIDJA HAVE A ROUGH DAY AT WORK?? ARE YOUR HIGHS TOO HIGH AND YOUR LOWS TOO LOW??

Follow these instructions and you will feel fulfilled for a solid 45 minutes.

1) STRIP COMPLETELY NAKED

2) PLAY THIS SONG.

3) Roll that shit, light that shit, smoke it.

4) Show a Beefy Crunch Burrito from T-Bidd NO MERCY!

5) Sip on 3, 4, 5 Shamrock Shakes...however many you want. It doesn't matter...follow your heart.

If you do this every day for the rest of the month of March, your life will blossom into somewhat of a fairy tale.

You're welcome.

GRUB One Out + Lark Cake Shop

2011-02-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

It was in 1983 when The Eurythmics first proclaimed, "Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree?!" over a synthesized Roman orgy of melodies and moaning. I may or may not have been conceived to this song, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, this song is the first thing that popped into my head when I looked at the pictures I am about to reveal. You should watch this video to prepare yourself for the photographs you are about to witness...

Spinning in circles blindfolded while playing a cello in field of cattle is how I will probably spend my next birthday...that is, if I play my cards right.

NOW you are ready.

BEHOLD...A restaurant called Grub located on what I believe is a soundstage disguised as a house in the middle of Hollywood. You can never be too sure in this town...nothing but smoke and mirrors. (My place is a halfway home disguised as an apartment building.)

BUFFALO CHICKEN MAC AND CHEESE. I don't know what kind of sick bastards dreamed this up, but it is SENSATIONAL. Over the top and inappropriate in every way, but it was the bees knees for about 3 bites and then I cried and shot it out my nose.

My photographer/cousin/date (no incest), Diane ordered this burger. Isn't it pretty? It felt pretty in my mouth!

Libby's Famous Fosse Cookies are chocolate chip cookies, rolled in potato chips. HOOOOOOOTY HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

I need to try everything on Grubs menu because they have shit like Crab Cake Burgers, Brie BLT's, and "Crack" Bacon Quesadilla's that cannot go uneaten, YAFEELME?

After my friends and I spent the day getting rained/hailed on and MacGyvering our way into the All Star Game festivities, we walked into Lark Cake Shop in Silverlake soaking wet. Best remedy for a shitty day EVER.

By far, my favorite cupcakes in LA. The Berry Shortcakes are works of art and as the premier bon vivant of baked goods in LA, I am giving these my seal of approval. Silky white cake with a creme patisserie filling, topped with a blanket of whipped cream and fresh berries. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK ME!! Pardon my French.

Sorry if this confused you into being hungry.

Shakey Chihuahuas and Such

2011-02-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

I'm dogsitting the most depressed (and well-endowed!) chihuahua in the history of man and it's been crying uncontrollably since I sang it a song. This dog is such a Debbie Downer and its pissing me off. That will be the last time I serenade a canine with an original tune.

ANYWAYS...I have been eating a lot and not blogging as usual. I've mainly been Cat Daddy'ing up and down Venice in hopes that I get discovered by some kind of Asian dance group. No luck so far, but I did receive several thousand offers for discounted bongs and corn dogs.

Hit up this magnificently Mexican restaurant in Silverlake called Alegria.

Best aguas frescas quite possibly EVER. This one was made of kiwi and I agua fresca'd all up in my booty shorts.

The potato tacos were named some of the best tacos in LA according to their menu. Where they got this information, I'm not sure. Although, I do believe whoever told them that was probably a lentil-scented vegan that lives in a tree somewhere in Silverlake. STILL GOOD THOUGH, STILL GOOD.

CARNITAS PLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This resulted in bone shattering nuttage that only dispenses from my body after I watch Derrick Rose dunk mixtapes on YouTube.

OOPS! Looks like I went to Vegas again! My pal Chris and I decided to make medicinal cocktails aka hot toddy's at a gas station in Baker because it's easy to contract H1N1 when you're in Vegas. All you need is a bottle of Jack, gas station hot water, and lemon tea. I also threw in some Airborne for good measure.

After a long night of being mistaken for a hooker and dougie'ing atop questionable platforms, I felt like negative a million bucks the next morning. Luckily, I hit up Mon Ami Gabi with my pals Mimi and Silvia, in the elegant Paris Casino along the strip. Had mimosas, waffles, oysters, butter lettuce salad, and steak frittes...as real Parisians do after a night of hearty Sailor Jerry consumption.

Alas, my favorite 24-Hour Korean food dispensary, BCD Tofu House...where the tofu soup flows like sewage and the service grows worse as you visit more frequently.

My friends and I went here at 3 am after we grew tired of being turned away from clubs for being too hot. Our server for the evening even topped off our meal with a "thank you, sir."

One more thing....if you haven't ordered a pizza online from the Domino's website, you have not lived. Voyeurism can be experienced in its purest form using the Domino's Pizza Tracker.

LUHH YOU!

Mo-Chica, Merkato, El Chato!!

2011-01-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

As a fat person, I am down for cuisines of all kinds...if you provide me sweet, succulent calories, I will give you every last shekel in my pocket. Point is, I get off on eating at places with names I cannot pronounce and selecting dishes on menus based on how funny their names are to me. Often times, this backfires and Montezuma takes his revenge, but 100% of the time it is worth it.

Mo-Chica is a Peruvian restaurant located in a food court that is placed in the ass crack of Downtown LA between a bunch of warehouses, the DMV, and various meth dens.

The Lomo Saltado looked like a game of Jenga was being played on top of a pile of beef. They get 9,000 shekels and a slap on the ass for having amazing presentation.

Arroz con Pollo was bangin...according to the Duchess of Peruvia, Diane Valera.

The Ceviche del Dia aka the Ceviche du jour. EXCUSE ME, FLO? WHAT IS THE CEVICHE DU JOUR??? I don't really know what kind of pescado it was, but it was glorious. It had little crunchy kernels of brownness in it, which we later concluded were corn nuts.

I would like to formally apologize to the old lady at Mo-Chica for prank calling her on the way there. I am apologizing but am not saying that we wouldn't do it again...because it was hilarious.

Hit up the Merkato Ethiopian Restaurant and Market in Little Ethiopia on Fairfax with my broski, Eric...

The decor was breathtaking. If you know me, you know that I love to wear things that resemeble dashikis/mumu's and I think that Nelson Mandela is a style icon. The prints on the walls and chairs, along with the artwork really turned me on.

This is pretty self-explanatory.

INJERA. God, I wanted to put it on my face...

Ordered the Veggie Combo and the Gored-Gored..which was rare beef with special butter, mimita, and hot chillies. The veggie shit was amazing...

Lastly, I hit up the El Chato taco truck on La Brea and Olympic last night with my homies Chris & JP. I promise you, this truck is the fuckin truth.

It's only there from 9 pm-4 am or so, which means everyone at the truck is either drunk and/or stoned.

The dining area is the bed of the pick-up truck that tows the taco truck...perfectly suitable when you are 9 sheets to the wind. I got two asada, two pastor, two lengua tacos, and a fat horchata. That is a last meal status combo right there.

Seriously some of the best tacos around. The pastor and lengua tacos go hard in the mothafuckin paint!!

Shit, I think I'm gonna need to get some dirtyass tacos again tonight.

Cytoplasm Ramen: DO I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS???

2011-01-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

We have many things to discuss. As I am still drunk from last night, I cannot move and am in a glass case of PAIN and arousal. WOW...that was profound.

Went Kinchans in West LA on Sawtelle for some ramen and it was not too shabby. It was full of straight Japanese people and cats were reading mangas and shit, so I was like okay let's do it. Got down on some Asahi's and I ordered the Tenshin ramen, which is like egg foo yung ramen. As you can see, it looks like an abortion. I have a knack for ordering the strangest looking shit on menus. It tasted good but there is something about eating broths that resemble placenta juice/cytoplasm that rubs me the wrong way. I have limits?

Ordered the world class PANUCHOS from Chichen Itza for lunch. They specialize in Yucatecan cuisine and I didn't know that cuisine existed until I put a panucho in my mouth. They are little pockets filled with black beans, shredded turkey, avocado, lettuce, pickled red onions, and cucumber. It is a fucking Yucatecan DELIGHT...and I didn't feel fat after I ate it, which is weird.

Was drinking apple juice and I noticed that the jug said "Concentrate From Argentina, China"...what a mind fuck. I did not know 1) Argentina was located in China and 2) Apples can be legally harvested in Argentina or China.

Went to Crane's Hollywood Tavern the other night for Wu Tang night and I was surprised to find that they had tacos at the bar. AND THEY WERE AMAZING!!! Great tacos are always found in sketchy corners and back alleys where food really shouldn't be prepared.

Ya'll really need to check out my new favorite comic book, Chew by John Layman and Rob Guillory. It's about a detective named Tony Chu, who is a "cibopath", which means he gets psychic impressions from everything he eats. In short, he solves crimes by eating people. I am a huge fan of anything related to cannibalism and so I LOVE IT!! Also, the illustrations are beautiful and the writing is hilarious.

And lastly, this is the photo responsible for me feeling like shit today. How could I say no?

No Hands: Umami Burger + Denny's

2010-12-30T20:23:00.000-08:00

FINALLY HAVE A CAMERA!! ! Long story short, I was robbed by Rastafarians on Christmas and so I got an iPhone to make up for my losses. I'm back in business BIIIITCHES!!

So I finally hit up Umami Burger on Cahuenga in Hollywood because I was shopping at Urban across from Umami and the entire shopping complex smelled like beefy sex. As fate would have it, my brother and sister-in-law called me to see if I wanted to eat at Umami...coincidence? I think not. I know when Jesus is sending my siblings and I dinner suggestions via telepathy.

The sides weren't anything to write home about but I did respect them, as I do with all fried things. The onion rings could get it again though, cause those crispy little golden bastards make a bitch wanna sang.

My broski, Jon got the Umami burger, which was filled with mushrooms and had some sort of lovely cheese disk inserted into it.

Betty got the Hatch Burger. Fucking incredible...it had green chiles and house-made American cheese.

Alas, the burger that haunts and humps me in my slumber....THE TRUFFLE BURGER. The thick, juicy beef patty is cooked to pink, girlish perfection. It is violently doused in truffle oil and the patty is provocatively encased in a thicket of truffle infused cheese. It was so rich and buttery...I looked like a 4 year old that ate mommy's lip gloss.

If you play the noises I made whilst eating the truffle burger backwards, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin's, "Stairway to Heaven." And if you play that song backwards, you will hear satanic messages.

So the morning after New Years Eve, my friend Mona and I went to Denny's to ring in 2011 in style. Mind you, I was still possessed by the Four Loko/Kosher Wine/711 Moscato/Whiskey/Henn&Coke/Mystery Booze that I welcomed into my body the night before...so I tried to order the first 4 pages of the Denny's menu. My pal stopped me from doing so, but we did order some GEMS.

The infamous FRIED CHEESE MELT. I couldn't bring myself to order this monstrosity, but I knew who would...MONA. Your eyes do not deceive you, indeed it is a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks in it.

I ordered the basket of Pancake Puppies, Zesty Nachos, and a cup of coffee. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY would I choose this combo to be my first meal of 2011???????? Clearly, I have an affinity for ingesting vomit-like substances.

Bless my disgusting heart and Happy New Years.

OHNANAWHASMANAME??

2010-12-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

OHNANAWHASMANAME?? <--- If you haven't seen the new Rihanna video for "What's My Name?", I highly suggest you kill yourself because her nails in that video are arousing and Drake's mathematical talents continue to wow me. "What's the square root of 69? 8 somethin..." He was clearly a janitor at MIT in a past life.

Went to Fogo De Chao in Beverly Hills with a ravenous pack of Asians recently because we had a groupon. Low and behold, we were surrounded by our own kind because lets be real-nobody uses groupons except for Asians. I'm sure half my friends were conceived at some kind of coupon clipping orgy in underground opium dens in the 80's. My homie Mimi can show you how to turn a 99 cent Jumbo Jack into a Sourdough Jack by subbing the shit out of it, whilst my other homegirl has a full-on bomb shelter in her garage because her mom is a coupon extraordinaire. Point is, if theres one thing Asians are incredible at, its hustling deals.

More like Fogo De WOW!!!!! Most conflicts in the world could probably be resolved at the table of a Brazilian churrascaria. Free-flowing red meats and caipirinhas lift all human spirits and warm the hearts of everyone-much like MDMA.

Off top-one of the greatest breads I've ever encountered. They have these vivacious little cheese bread puffs that they serve warm and blanketed. Its like biting into a cheesy cloud of carbs...so soft and gentle against the inside of cheeks. Ugh, I need help.

These glorious gentlemen go around with their broadswords of all kinds of meats...filet mignon, sirloin, ribeye, bacon wrapped whats its...you name it, I ate it. I felt like I was surrounded by knights in shining armor, all battling for my affections. Needless to say, I was a huge slut about it cause I went to town on all of their meats.

Ah, the remnants of a Brazilian gangbang.

*As usual, jacked the photos from Diane...she is my unofficial photographer (against her will) because I don't exactly own a camera. Thank god for Facebook.

K2 in Silverlake has pretty notable chicken and waffles. It's no Roscoe's but their fried chicken is honey infused and are served with malted vanilla waffles. Perfect hangover food.

One of my classiest friends and I hit up McDonalds and she brought a fuzzy navel with her. Nothing like washing down a Happy Meal with a fuzzy navel on a hot Fall afternoon in LA.

Went to Vegas AGAIN....hell, its right there. We did it up big with the waffle fries, Rossi, and 4 Lokos...just like a bunch of modern day Bugsy Siegel's.

KENNY FUCKING POWDERS!! Tell me this glass doesn't make you wanna cream your Spanx....

CRAYON SHIN-CHAN...my hero. If you don't know about this, then you should definitely kill yourself. I'm not talking about the shitty English-dubbed one on Cartoon Network either. This little dude makes Dennis the Menace look like a punk.

Albertacos and Exotic Wieners

2010-11-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

Taking a quick break from reading my zombie comic books and eating salami to share my latest conquests with the internet. Oh fuck my toes are cramping!!!

...That was horrible. Anyways, my homie Anthony brought me to a place in Buena Park called Albertaco's and I rapidfire shat my pants with joy for about an hour. CARNEFUCKINGASADA FRIES!! It's been my life long dream to stuff beef covered fries into my yap and I've finally done it. I'm proud to announce that I've finally been impregnated by Mexican food.

They make their own tortillas, which double as heated edible blankets in the winter months. I'm currently storing them in a very special section in my mouth. Note that they are open til 1 a.m. and everyone knows that is code for "stoners welcome."

French fries, succulent carne asada, CHEEEEEEEEEEZ, guacamole, and sour cream. I once claimed I wanted to be embalmed with hot fudge when I die, but I've changed my mind and want to be embalmed in carne asada fry grease, wrapped in a tortilla, and placed in a sarcophagus.

Rolled tacos. Look at the amount of cheese they put on these yum yums...certainly Albertaco was not a greedy man. Generosity is the best virtue to practice when you are selling food to people.

I doubt anyones every seen this much cheese, sour cream, or guacamole on one table...aside from the assembly line at Del Taco aka the Champagne Room for Angels.

Anthony and I went to another location in Long Beach and almost broke the record for having the highest uric acid levels outside of Texas.

Next up, my homie Chris and I went to a lovely place in the heart of Downtown LA called Wurstkuche. No, it is not a German brothel...but you are not far off, it is an enormous WIENER FEST. A restaurant full of exotic sausages that range from alligator and rattlesnake to the traditional wieners like bratwursts and hot italian. They are also purveyors of a variety of Belgian and German beers, which made me the happiest child on earth. BEER AND SNAUSAGES...how impotent must you be to not love that combo?

I introduced myself to this display by disrobing, breathing heavily on the glass, and writing sweet nothings on it. Fortunately, this was not the first time the staff had seen this happen and I was only asked to put my overalls back on.

I got the DUCK AND BACON sausage!! Two of my favorite non-steak meats encased together in one little wiener, topped with onions and shit, and covered in HOT MUTARD. They also have excellent fries and variety of sexy sauces. I chose the Chipotle aioli, which resulted in me aioli'ing my pants.

GO ON GURRRL, GET EM!!

....and it looks like I've forgotten to go to the gym. FACK!!!!!!!!!!!

The Master Cleanse For Dummies

2010-10-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

Long time no BROGGGG....eh? Well, I am a busy son of a bitch and I am devoting my limited attention span to watching the San Francisco Giants shit on everyone in the MLB. We made it to the World Series and after watching Games 1 & 2, I think it's safe to say that none of the Texas Rangers' dreams will ever come true. Not never. Not to mention, they are embarrassing the shit out of Chuck Norris.

I went on a little journey the other day called The Master Cleanse. After using deductive reasoning and failing a series of self-administered cholesterol tests, I came to the realization that the inside of my body is a toxic wasteland. Del Taco residue, refried beans and straight butter oozing out of every orifice. It was time to make some drastic changes in my diet and lifestyle...so I opted to starve myself completely and drink lemonade for 10 days straight. I heard a rumor that this is what Ghandi did to maintain his figure, so naturally, I decided to follow suit.

So I went to the nearest 99 cent store and stocked up on the freshest ingredients for my lemonade.

First off, you need lemons. The recipe calls for fresh ones, but fresh citric acids are for rich people. I grabbed a lovely jar of powdery goodness called Country Time Lemonade instead and dropped 5 cups of dust into every serving.

Next, the recipe says to add pure maple syrup, so I got my favorite bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and used around half a bottle per serving. This is supposed to act as a preservative for the enzymes in the Country Time, so use this liberally. You don't want those enzymes to die!

Lastly, the recipe calls for cayenne pepper. I am a woman with gourmet tastes, so I altered the recipe by dropping in a few dollops of Tapatio hot sauce. MUCHO FUEGO!

I mixed everything together with 1/3 cup of some of LA's finest tap water and SHABOOOM! It was like Thanksgiving dinner in a jug.

Next, I picked a few people who I liked to call my "Thinspirations". A friend introduced me to this dieting practice, which is common amongst anorexics.

First up is Pharrell Williams of N.E.R.D. I don't know what he doesn't eat but I would like ten thousand servings of whatever that is!

Here we have the incomparable, Willow Smith. Being a hybrid of two naturally slim Hollywood powerhouses and having the luck of going through prepubescence has done wonders for her figure. How does she do it??

This is an ostrich. Although it dons a fat, hairy torso, its legs and long, elegant neck are impeccably thin. What I wouldn't give to run a mile in those stems.

And so my journey began...

....And then it ended 3 days later because I turned into Cornholio. I ended my fast in my own booth at El Compadre, with a huge plate of enchiladas and beer. Once again, non-accidental masochism does not suit me.

"I Left My Hard-On In San Francisco"

2010-10-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

I have stolen my cousin, Diane Valera's photographs for my blog before because she is an expert food pornographer and knows how to operate cameras that don't double as phones. I was cyberstalking her on Facebook just now and came across the most magnificent collection of photos that my so-called eyeballs have ever seen. I am hardly ever impressed by photographs not involving food or nudity, so this is kind of an honor.

These are from her photo collection entitled, "I Left My Hard-On in San Francisco."

Pardon me, while I sit in dirty, stanky, rainy LA...in a puddle of tears and blood. I shall console myself by staring at these photos and reveling in the glory of the GIANTS. SANG IT, TIMMY!

Fight The Power: Footie Pajamas

2010-09-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be a proactive consumer and I think as consumers, we should be vocal about any injustices we see in modern merchandising systems. Thus, I take it upon myself to write firm e-mails to retailers, restaurants, etc. when I spot any inconsistencies. I do this not because I want them to send me free gift cards, but because I CARE.

So my friend, Steph and I were shocked and disgusted to find that Target neglected to release their Cherokee brand footed pajamas in a dinosaur print. They typically release a new print every year and it is the most thrilling part of our year.

These are the alleged replacements for the dino footies. DEER PRINT...you've gotta be shittin me. A dinosaur could swallow a deer whole and I could probably decapitate a deer with a single slap to the face. No actual boy would want to wear this shit because he would probably end up beating his own ass.

We felt it was our civil duty to take a stand and speak out against this injustice so we sent Target the following e-mail:

Dear Target Corporation,

I am writing to you in regards to your Boys Sleepwear Collection for Fall 2010. My son Stephan and I look forward to this collection every year because your stores always release the Cherokee brand footed pajamas in a different dinosaur print. It has become a tradition in our family that both Stephan and I purchase new dinosaur footed pajamas on his birthday (September 27) and wear them together as a family.

Upon visiting your locations in Glendale, Burbank, Eagle Rock, and West Hollywood locations this past weekend, I was shocked and horrified to discover that there was no dinosaur print available. I did, however, see that you are now carrying a deer print, which is not nearly as fanciful as the dinosaur print. I also found that your online store does not offer this print either. I even took the liberty of reaching out to my friends on the East Coast, who also kindly informed me that your Mid-Atlantic stores did not carry this dinosaur print as well.

Being that Stephan's 15th birthday is fast approaching, I am panicking because I do not have a present for him and as a concerned parent, do not wish to break his heart. It is hard for me to believe that this style may have been unpopular or may not have performed as well as other styles because it has been a consistent part of your collection in the past. I just wanted to shed light on the fact that this print is in high demand and has significant value to your customers.

Please let me know if you desire any design help or general consulting in putting together this year's dinosaur footed pajama release. May I kindly suggest that your design team does NOT revisit the idea of the holy trinity (triceratops, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus) and include the more fanciful pterodactyl in your concept? Glow-in-the-dark print dinosaurs, as done so tastefully on black triceratops two years ago, were also quite a hit with my son Stephan and his social circle.

I look forward to hearing back from you all and hopefully purchasing these coveted pajamas soon.

Stephan on his 14th Birthday

Within a day, I received the following response:

Dear Hotass Milf (I changed the name):

Thanks for telling us you'd like to see Dinosaur Pajamas with feet at your local Target.

Your suggestions are important because they help us learn more about what you're looking for. Although I can't promise we'll carry this item, I'll let our Buying team know what you'd like to see on our shelves.

At Target, it's all about having what you're shopping for at a great value. With your comments in mind, we'll keep working hard to bring you the unique merchandise that fits your lifestyle.

Thanks for letting us know how we can make your Target experience even better.

Sincerely,

Cindy
Target Guest Relations
www.target.com
(800) 440-0680

....The nerve. No gift card offer, no coupons for nachos and popcorn, NOTHING. So my response will be to send my resume and an application for Cindy's job at Target Guest Relations.

OH YOU FANCY, HUH?: The Manila Machine & La Cevicheria

2010-09-18T09:52:00.001-07:00

GO CINDERELLA, GO CINDERELLA...ube cupcakes, ceviche, and Corona's...AIN'T NOBODY REALER!

Yes, the rumors are true...Drake did in fact write "Fancy" about me and my delicate lady ways. He would have a chance if he took a weedwhacker to the face one time and trimmed those brows, but until then I will reserve my affections for a man with more sensible eyebrows....Vinny of Jersey Shore.

UNACCEPTABLE EYEBROWS. Line em up and we will be together one day, my Little Hairy Dinosaur.

ACCEPTABLE EYEBROWS. Fellas, you too can achieve zero density with Crisco and Cholita eyebrow YouTube tutorials.

And that would be Lesson 101 of food blogging: All great posts should start off with an ode to facial/body hair deformities.

SO...the MANILA MACHINE truck has Cha-Cha'd its way into my little heart with its Filipino treats. I make it a point to support the food of my Motherland, especially when it is mobile and non-Jollibee related.

Found this gem at the LA Art Walk. Every food truck in LA shows up to the Art Walk, which takes place once a month. I've heard a lot about this truck and it's delicious, yet unconventional take on Filipino cuisine. They have stuff like Pan de Sal Sliders and Pork Belly and Pineapple Adobo...certified party-droppers if you ask me.

The Pork Belly and Pineapple Adobo. They took the simplest dish and pimped it the fuck out by using fattier meat and diversifying the flavor palette with pineapple. It's not only amazing in theory, but their execution was glorious. I think I speak for all of Daly City when I say the Serramonte food court would be proud to house you, Manila Machine.

UBE CUPCAKE. I miss this thing everyday. I sampled it, rejoiced, and COUNTERPANTSED my friend in the face...Pacquiao style.

LA CEVICHERIA on Pico and Crenshaw is a nice little shack where you can enjoy dead sea creatures and Corona's for cheap. I read about it while stalking my archenemy Jonathan Gold online. I was hoping to run into him there so I could give him a piece of my mind and force feed him a San Francisco burrito, but he was not there for some reason.

Fish tacos...nothing to write home about but also, never a bad idea.

The Mariscada's is a seafood soup that had a broth that I would bathe in. Coconut milk, sea creatures, and a pile of rice made me smile.

CONCHA NEGRA. Blood clam ceviche sounds like Guatemalan slang for a homicide but it's flavor would indicate otherwise.

And finally...BEHOLD!!!
href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EIYEpUb6Pyo/TJTuyoR_x9I/AAAAAAAAB08/B0p2csAtjlc/s1600/IMG00809-20100720-2346.jpg">
THE BEST BURGERS IN LA!!!!!!!!

Fear and Loathing in Caution Tape

2010-09-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Once again, the Joy Luck Club aka my beezies and I graced Las Vegas with our presence. I'll be honest, I'm not sure if I hallucinated the entire weekend or not. I've seemed to have lost my camera, so I stole all these pictures from my photographer cousin, Diane. If you like what you see, let me know and I can provide you with her contact info, social security number, etc. for a small fee.

'TRON and PINEAPPLE at Drai's for breakfast. Drai's is a classy establishment that is open from 3 am to probably noon. All I have to say is they played my jam, "B.M.F." by Rick Ross and I enjoyed getting a concussion from a ceiling fan while I was there. I obviously think I'm Big Meech.

I can't explain this very well. All I know is I woke up and our room was covered in caution tape. Apparently one of us stole it from a man with a leaf blower?

Stale waffle fries, mystery bread, and a toothbrush. We eat like stray barnyard animals at night.

It was 1,000 degrees and something caramelized onto my skin? I think it was creme brulee crust but my friend said it was vomit.

SPORTS WORLD KIMCHI PLAZA. You are required to strip for your liquor at this plaza and we were more than happy to oblige.

The pools in Vegas are horrifying...warm, greasy, and full of intoxicated Jabroni's. If you ever have a sudden urge to listen to techno music and be waist high in urine, I would highly recommend spending time at a Las Vegas pool party.

We hit Bouchon at the Venetian for our last meal together. The consensus was that the place is overrated...I don't want to go into great detail but I've had better French god degree. I still stand by the Bouchon Bakery though and I did cop some TKO cookies from the kiosk, which were extraordinary.

We went dummy like Nick Pappageorgio up in that town and I've been talking like Forrest Gump ever since.

Because Susan Miller Told Me To...

2010-09-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

I have been on an involuntary hiatus because I've been in a local correctional facility for the past month and my parole officer forbade me from using the internet. Apparently, it is illegal in the city of Long Beach to try and hijack the Queen Mary with a machete whilst on an opium binge. I guess being a pirate is only fashionable in Somalia nowadays.

I am only kidding. My band and I have been busy working on our mixtape and I've been busy with other creative endeavors...like making thongs. Anyhow, my online astrologer, Susan Miller told me that it would be good to update my blog this month because: "You will be on an all-time creative high all month, thanks to the position of Jupiter in water sign Pisces. Make an effort to reach out and mix more with others, either professionally or for purely social reasons, because that is where your most impressive personal growth lies." I only really read half of whatever I just copied and pasted, but whatever Susan Miller says goes.

After walking around LA without adult supervision, with my thumb up my ass for two months, I managed to collect a beautiful collection of photographs...

Hit up Korean bbq at Genwa on Wilshire, which was INCREDIBALLS. My sister-in-law, Betty suggested we go here based solely on her Asian instincts (and Yelp). We were served a smorgasbord of pickled shit and the beef stunted on everything. You know when you take a bite into qualityass meat and a single tear falls from your eye and you salivate all over your own crotch til it looks like you've pissed yourself? Yeah, wear rubber pants.

DIBS. Whoever let a Filipino priest write a cookbook just won the entire game of dibs for life.

My homegirl Trina came down to visit and I lost approximately 9279832908209382 braincells that weekend. It started with stealing trays at Pink's and ended with $1.80 bottles of Quail Oak at Pavillions and a visit to the Hollywood police station.

SUNSET JUNCTION. I went for the elote and stayed for the warm beer and the hope of catching a glimpse of hipster asscrack. All my wildest dreams come true at Sunset Junction. Two years ago, I joined the pizza eating contest at Garage Pizza during Sunset Junction and came in dead last. It was exhilarating losing to six grown men in a pizza eating contest.

"My milk of magnesia. Oh! After the devil made you, he broke the mold." GUESS THE MOVIE AND YOU CAN SIT ON MY LAP. And dibs on the Milk of Magnesia being located next to the enema-in-a-box at the 99 cent store.

Good Ol' Mimi Blud brought me this banh mi from the NOM NOM TRUCK. It was Shark Week and I was having a nervous breakdown, so she brought me a sandwich like a real pal should. Let me tellll you....this shit was off the hook! Like 90 feet long and full porky Vietnamese delight....thats what she said?

And lastly, check out this fucking cat that my friend made me cat sit the other night. I think it's a cat? I forget it's name but we renamed it Selena Gomez because lets be real, they could be twins.

Alright guys, CARPE POON and stay up!

I Toot It 'N Boot It: Big Wangs, Cobbler Mania, & Four Loko

2010-07-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

The chicken wing game in LA is FIERCE because there are actually places here that take pride in their wings and understand that wings are an art form. I dare anyone in the LA area to start an artisan chicken wing truck and I will provide you with menu consultation services for a discounted fee. I have a natural talent for chicken wing flavor design and I don't think anyones mastered the craft quite like I have. Okay, enough with whoring out my services and on with the wangs...

So my favorite Big Wangs is on Cahuenga, a block from Hollywood Boulevard. I heard they've opened up more locations, but I have no interest in those because this one is within walking distance from my apartment.

I am pretty positive that their mascot is a lesbian rooster.

"It tastes like Tang and we don't mean poon!" I am in love with this place for very obvious reasons.

"Buy her one and she'll blast you faster." This menu alone deserves three Michelin stars.

This is the HEART ATTACK. The alfredo bacon fries (or tater tots if you are really skeetin' for a beatin') are literally one of the top ten fattest things I have ever eaten. It was exhilarating, disgusting, and I had to reevaluate my lifestyle for several days after the first bite. But overall, I thought they were amazing and I imagine these reduce people to tears when they are inebriated.

The WANGS. They are flavorful, meaty, and everything I could possibly want in a chicken wing. On Wednesdays, they have 50 cent wings when you buy a drink and on Saturdays, they have 25 cent wings from 11 a.m.-4 p.m. Yes, I memorized the wing deal schedule at this establishment.

So I've been here twice within the past three weeks and it only gets better every time. First off, pitchers range between $8-$13 dollars depending on how fancy you're trying to be. Second, the last time I was here, Dennis Rodman sat next to us with his blonde Ed Hardy'd out boo and her matching offspring. Theres nothing more thrilling than eating chicken wings next to Dennis Rodman, while watching a Giants game, and drinking beer.

God bless Big Wangs.

So its summer and that only means one thing--COBBLER. So my shitstain of a friend Steph and I spotted this stand on La Brea and Olympic called Cobbler Mania. We screamed, almost hit several cars trying to park, and accosted the sweet woman working at the stand and forced her to photograph us in front of it. As luck would have it, she was sold out of everything except for a single sweet potato cobbler. I assume Paula Deen's good graces are responsible for this miracle.

I desperately want to try the Strawberry Mango one.

Sweet potato cobbler. Look at that sweet little heart punched out of the top of the crust. I want to shrink myself with a shrink ray and have a tea party inside that little heart and rest my miniature buns on top of the sweet potato filling.

This glorious little cobbler stand inspired me to make a peach cobbler of my own so I googled, "Best Peach Cobbler Recipe In The World" and got this: Southern Peach Cobbler Recipe (Allrecipes.com).

Ingredients

8 fresh peaches - peeled, pitted and sliced into thin wedges
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
2 teaspoons cornstarch
*I added a 1/2 cup of Minute Tapioca

1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, chilled and cut into small pieces
1/4 cup boiling water

MIX TOGETHER:
3 tablespoons white sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
In a large bowl, combine peaches, 1/4 cup white sugar, 1/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon, nutmeg, lemon juice, and cornstarch. Toss to coat evenly, and pour into a 2 quart baking dish. Bake in preheated oven for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, in a large bowl, combine flour, 1/4 cup white sugar, 1/4 cup brown sugar, baking powder, and salt. Blend in butter with your fingertips, or a pastry blender, until mixture resembles coarse meal. Stir in water until just combined.
Remove peaches from oven, and drop spoonfuls of topping over them. Sprinkle entire cobbler with the sugar and cinnamon mixture. Bake until topping is golden, about 30 minutes.

SLICE DEM SHITS.

BLAP!

UGH!!

LOOK OUT PIMP!!

FUCKING SEXY, RIGHT??? I hope those instructions were useful to you.

Last but not least, I would like to send out a word of caution to today's youth...

THIS IS NOT SODA.

Four Loko is a new alcoholic sensation that is sweeping the nation and I LOVE/HATE it. It looks and tastes just like soda but is 12% alcohol and is less than $3. I had one of these and became possessed by whatever's in it and proceeded to steal another one from the liquor store (God, forgive me) and drank a bucket of beers at a restaurant that I have no recollection of. I woke up next to my mother the next morning and asked her how I got home, which she did not take kindly to.

So kids, DON'T DO IT. Or do, if you have limits/self-control and only have $3.

WTF: Blind Lemon Jefferson, 10 lb Pancakes, and Korean Tacos

2010-07-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

I would like to start this post off by informing you all that I now have proper furniture and am no longer sleeping on floatation devices. I appreciate everyone’s concern and no, I am not squatting in an abandoned building.

But of course, I have managed to make my living situation uncomfortable by convincing myself that my apartment houses poltergeists. I had a situation where my vintage JC Penney television turned on by itself. Or I accidentally hit the power button with my knee…I don’t know. All I know is I haven’t slept properly since because I am convinced that my Blind Lemon Jefferson poster is haunting me.

I swear I saw the poster vibrate the other day.

To alleviate my fear, I have been professionally victimizing Korean taco trucks. It's daunting to my mid-section but someone has to do it. Behold the Calbi BBQ truck...

Found this bad boy parked on La Brea and 3rd. Me and my pal, Mimi came here after hiking up Runyon Canyon in our alligator shoes because we decided that we should treat ourselves to some traditional Korean delicacies.

When I say "traditional Korean delicacies", I mean beef and shrimp tacos. Their kimchi quesadillas were off the hook too.

Our lady friend Jizzo came down to visit and so we took her Chinese ass to The Griddle Cafe on Sunset because that is what you do when a Chinese person travels great distances to see you.

WAFFLES. I personally have never had a bad experience with a waffle and this one is no exception. It was a bit over the top but when has that ever stopped me from putting something in my mouth? Not never.

The Hoagie Omelette with italian sausage, mozzarella, bell peppers, and onions in it. Pure 100% Full Grown Ecstasy. Shit had me cross-eyed and grinding my teefs.

Alas, the Golden Ticket. Brown sugar bananas inside a buttermilk pancake with caramel, walnuts, and streusel. It wasn't so much a pancake as much as it was a three-tier birthday cake for a cavity-ridden, silver-toothed toddler. Seriously, these pancakes are as big as my comforter and its downright wasteful to serve something so large to a single person. It was delicious, but we would have been okay just ordering this and a side of bacon for 3 people.

I make it a priority in my life to avoid the Hollywood night life at all costs because I need to retain the little dignity that I do have and I don't enjoy men in blouses. Thus, I prefer to go to bars downtown or anything else low-key and not infested with douche lords. Went to a whiskey bar called Seven Grand and they are the shit because they have about 90 moose heads mounted on the walls.

I have learned that whiskey that is not Jack Daniels or Jameson has the potential to not make me barf. Thus, I am a man now.

Fuckyoubye