Adventures of Blanche and Ozwald

Episode X- Blanche and Ozwald and the Utopian Paint Heist

2012-12-05T16:52:00.001-08:00

As they walked Blanche became curious about the four Ping Sons, and began talking to them. “

So what are your names?” The eldest piped up and said “I am Pong.” “I am Wing.” Another son said “No. I am Wing, you are Sing.” “Well one of us is Wing and one of us is Sing.” The third Son said to Blanche. The fourth son said “And I am Alastair.”

“Wha… Alastair?” Said Blanche. “So what do you boys know about your Father and his old partner?” The ninjas began to look at her suspiciously and look back and forth at each other untrustingly. “Who is this woman and why is she talking to us?” They whispered.

“Oh this is going to be a long voyage.” Blanche said to Ozwald. Suddenly she noticed some movement in the bushes quite a ways back from them. “Ozwald, boys, I think we are being followed.” They hastened their pace to try to reach the outskirts of the city again. Blanche thought they might look into the history of Mr. Ping’s old paint store. After a few hours walk, passing the spaceship wreckage once more, they reached the city. Then after finding some old news clippings at the local library on the town as it was some years ago, Blanche visited the old run down paint store. The Six of them walked in, the little bell chimed as they entered. It was dark, “Hello? Is anyone here?” She yelled, hoping someone might be in the back. “Ok split up and look for clues, anything, why someone would want so badly to steal paint, and kill for it.”

The Ninjas looked very official, systematically scouring through shelves of merchandise hoping to find anything. Soon they all stopped, and began standing around, looking at the walls and corners as if they didn’t know what they were doing there. “Did you forget why we are here?” Blanche said.

BAM!!! An entire shelf came crashing down at the far end of the store, and there stood Ozwald looking very guilty. “What on earth Ozwald! Must you break everything? Do you want the whole city to know we are in…” She stopped, noticing a door in the wall that had been hidden, entirely blocked by the large shelf up against the wall. “Ozwald you’re a genius! Look.” Blanche began inspecting the door, as it had no knob, for any way it might open. Suddenly they heard the little bell ring, someone had just entered the front of the store! The Scatterbrained ninjas poised themselves, ready for a fight.

The floor began to creak with each slow footstep, then it would pause. Someone was obviously trying to conceal their presence there, but the old floor made it impossible. Blanche and the others could hear them getting closer, just around the corner now. Ok, when he comes around that shelf, get him boys, Blanche whispered ever so quietly.

Hiyah!!! They cried as they unleashed their ninja skills on the unknown tracker as he rounded the corner, a scream, followed by a loud crash amongst the struggle. “Wait! Stop!” Shouted Blanche. “Don’t hurt him, he is not the enemy. Dr. Word?” She said, as the four Ping boys held in suspension a distinguished looking man with a white lab coat, a salt and pepper beard, and an ivory pipe he had been smoking, protruding from his chapped lips. “Blanchy Baby! It is you, I wasn’t sure, I was sneaking in here because I wanted to warn you, you are being followed. But I wasn’t sure this was you, as it might have been them. You can’t be too careful ya know.”

“Wait, you mean you aren’t the one following me?” Asked Blanche. “Well I was following them following you. But I guess they got sidetracked because they obviously didn’t get here first. But they must be right behind us, we need to get out of here quick.”

“What’s going on? Who is this?” Said Ozwald. “No time for introductions now, we are in danger.” Blanche hurriedly added. “Look Doctor, if we can find a way to get through this door it may be a way to escape.” Blanche Said “Well the material of this door, it’s very heavy, there must be some leverage somewhere, it’s probably preasure sensitive, look for a loose brick or something of the sort.” Said Doctor Word.

All of them began feeling around the wall for anything that felt out of place. “Oh! Here.” Pong pulled on a loose brick and it slid, rock sliding against rock, then there was a deep boom, behind the wall and the door began to open quite silently. They all ran in and the door closed behind them. It was very dark back there, and hard to tell how big the room was, you couldn’t even make out the corners or the walls, there was a dim green glow coming from a small table. They got closer and found a large glass bowl of water in the center, and several small vials nearby. Each vial was labeled with what looked like different places. Some of them farmiliar, like Paris, Istanbul, Berlin, Boise Idaho, Cambodia etc. Others they had never heard of, Plasticityland, candy valley, dinker Island. One curious vial had something scribbled out and written under it was Paradise. Ozwald picked it up. “I wonder what these are for?” Doctor Word said. “They seem to all be filled with dirt.” Blanche said.

“Dirt? Well we need to figure something out soon, last I saw, Pungent Jim, the Terrible Rabbit Person, Scratch n’ Sniff, Harry Holchomb and the One with Olives on his fingers were not far behind you.” The Doctor said as he listened nervously for anything outside.

“Maybe these vials do something.” Blanche said as she turned to see Ozwald fumbling with the “Paradise” vial, with its cork off. “Ozwald stop!” He jolted, dropping the vial right into the basin of water, the dirt spilling everywhere, instantly turning to murky muddy water on contact. Ozwald reacted trying to grab the vial out of the bowl. But as soon as his fingers broke the surface of the water he was violently sucked into the basin, being squeezed and stretched as if he was being sucked into a pinhole.

“Oh No!! Blanche screamed. “That idiot monkey! He must be dead.” Then they heard the faint sound of the front bell. “Ah! The door, the front door, they must have come here for something. Quick everyone put your hands in the water.” Doctor Word whispered anxiously. “What? No are you crazy? We don’t know what that was or where he went. He could be dead for all we know.” Blanche protested. “Well maybe, but maybe not, it may have just taken him to wherever this place is. Look the other vials are places. Either way we either risk it and maybe live, or if we stay here they will be dead for sure once they find us.” The Doctor said, then all at once they heard voices getting closer so they thrust their hands into the water and in a flash of green light all vanished in an instant.

Minutes later the dastardly criminals came through the door. “Now what was it we were supposed to get?” One large ugly one said, sucking on an olive on his pointer finger.

“I told you, Harry sent us here for the vial that said ‘Paradise’ He wants to make some adjustments,” Said a gangly creepy looking fellow in a bunny costume. “Wait, it’s not here. Where is it? And why is the water all murky? Boss said no one uses this place but him.”

“Well maybe it’s at the bottom,” Said the one with olives on his fingers. “Don’t touch it you fool, no one touch anything, till we tells the boss. Oh he is not going to be happy about this.”

Blanche began to come to, as light shone through her closed eyelids. She adjusted to the bright sun and slowly awoke to find herself lying on a white sand beach. Next to her were the Doctor and the scatterbrained Ninja’s. They too were just gaining consciousness. The sand was beautiful and glowing with the reflected sun, almost like glass crystals. It wasn’t course either, but soft to the touch. She looked up to find Ozwald entertaining himself with several beautifully colored flowers, while hanging from a perfect looking palm tree a bit up the shore. As they all stood to their feet they were taken aback at the awe inspiring scenery before them. The blue sky, crisp air with the snow-white sand all surrounded by the most colorful flowering trees and deep green bushes they had ever seen. “This place is a utopia,” all the Ping brothers said in unison. “I have never seen anything so breathtaking,” exclaimed Doctor Word. “I want to live here,” said Blanche.

They walked up the shore to where Ozwald was, and he ran to meet them. As they were walking and taking it all in Sing Ping tripped, being so mesmerized he wasn’t watching his footing. He caught himself by grabbing the branch of one of the trees, which tore under his weight. He fell with a thud, as they all stared at the exposed branch. Underneath the beautiful tree was what looked like plaster on some mold or scaffolding. It was a fake tree, just made to look beautiful on the outside.

“What is all this?” said Blanche. “This is not real, just made to look real. Someone went to great lengths to make this look very appealing to whoever came here.” She said. “Oh don’t be silly Blanche, I highly doubt anyone has ever been here before. It’s scientifically improbable. It more likely evolved from small puddles of paint and bits of construction paper,” Said the Doctor. “ya your probably right,” Ozwald said.

Upon further inspection into the lovely forest behind the front of the island, they found a small pond. It was a beautiful placid lake that was as still as a mirror. It reflected all the trees and plants perfectly as though they were upside down duplicates. Wing Ping was thirsty so he stooped down to the edge of the pond to get a handful of the cool refreshing looking water. As he drank there arose a shadow which grew larger and larger and rose slowly toward the surface, “Look out Wing!” Alistair reached for him to pull his brother back, tossing him aside as a huge aquatic beast rose from the pond and grabbed him instead, pulling him under. “Alistair!!” They all shouted together. “What was that thing?” said Blanche. “Look over there, another one.” The Doctor yelled. On the other side of the lake arose another, what looked like a giant leach about the size of a rhinoceros. Then another, and another, they began emerging, up then back into the pond as fast as they came up, they would submerge again. “It’s a Seldrin,” said Ozwald. “How do you know that?” “Well look it has one of those little nametags on.” Ozwald pointed.

Sure enough it did, they all did those horrible monsterous beasts all had nametags and they all read ‘Hello My Name Is: Seldrin.’ “We have to do something to save Alistair,” Blanche insisted. “What do you suggest we do?” Asked Pong. Then Wing walked over to the edge of the pond and knelt down to get a drink. “Stop!” they all yelled, “What do you think you are doing? He had forgotten already. Suddenly a Seldrin lunged out of the water grabbing Wing with its giant suction mouth. They all grabbed his legs, pulling him back, as the Seldrin tried to suck on Wing’s head and pull him in. “He is trying to suck his brains out.” Doctor Word said.

Blanche jumped in the air with a war cry that rang through the lovely trees, kicking the Seldrin in the head with a flying roundhouse. It detached from Wing hurling them all backwards onto the shore. Blanche came falling down towards the water and another Seldrin surged from the water to try and engulf her. She landed on its back and held on for dear life as it thrashed about. She then got an idea. She started yelling “here I am, come get me, you Seldrin’s with your stupid name tags.” The Seldrin she was riding was still trying to rid himself of his unwelcome passenger. Then as they flopped close to shore 2 other Seldrin came up out of the water mouths wide open to latch on. They all had no eyes and seemed to sense body heat to be able to locate prey. At the last second she jumped off of the head of the one and onto land and the two other Seldrin stuck onto it, sucking its brain out. It let out a loud shrill roar as this was discomforting to have ones brain sucked out. Having no luck at retrieving Alistair the six of them were forced to run as fast as they could for the shore. Some driftwood had washed ashore which Blanched tied to one of the trees with a vine. She pulled a purple crayon from her pocket and upon it wrote these words: “this is not a utopia turn back now,” In the hopes that it would be a deterrent for any future travelers who had the misfortunes of stumbling upon this bizzare island. ‘Danger to all who enter here,’ Ozwald wrote in the sand, Though that warning was washed away by a wave only seconds later.

“Wow, all this beautiful scenery has been placed here for the sole purpose of making this place look inviting. Just so we would go exploring and find that pond with those horrible things, and it cost Alistair his life. I think whoever went through all that trouble to steal that paint must have constructed this. It is all paper, paint and plaster. They made this whole world just to try and do us in.” Blanche exclaimed. The six of them gathered some logs and tied them together with twine. “We have to get off this little island now” said Doctor Word “I agree,” Said Pong. They all climbed aboard and went drifting off into the open ocean, in search of land, in search of more adventures, in search of evil-doers everywhere.

Episode IX –Blanche, Ozwald and the scatterbrained Ninjas

2012-03-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Blanche and Ozwald were loafing around the house in utter boredom, no one could find the wine, or the remote, and the toaster was broken. Ozwald was desperately wanting to toast something. Blanche assumed bread, when in actuality he wanted to toast another one of her hand carved wooden tin soldiers, brought back from India by her cousin Pearl. A midget Indian with two prosthetic arms carved them. She had grown suspicious of why the twelve-piece set had been slowly vanishing over the past several days.

Blanche had been looking through the news paper at the obituaries to see if any of her old friends had passed away while she was gone on her adventure. She ran across an add for a private investigator. A poor family was looking to hire a detective to find the assassin of their father and husband, who was the trolley conductor on 7^thstreet. This criminal was also thought to be responsible for the burglarizing of a chain of paint stores down town. Now blanche, having taken a class on private eye work about 37 years back, was just the woman for the job.

“Ozwald!”she said, startling him from his mischievous activity, and causing him to fumble a half scorched tin soldier and quickly hide it behind his back.

. “Why are you grinning? Anyway I’ve got a job for us to do. We are going to take this case, and help this poor family out. What are you doing over there, and why is the toaster on? Quick go wake Rip Van Winkle, he can come along. Ozwald slowly stepped down from the stool, hands still behind his back, and with his back hugging the wall casually made his way to Rip’s room, inconspicuously tossing the burnt antique into a corner on his way.

“Rip! Wake up! We are going to solve a case.” Ozwald banged on his door. Rip jumped up and tripped on a roller skate that was left out, and went careening into the dresser with a thud.

“What is he doing in there?” “I don’t know.” He ran out trying to hold up his pants while tightening his belt.

“ The wheel of cheese was not mine!!” yelled Rip, then coming to he said, “Ok, wha… what, I’m up, I’m up.”

Blanche picked up the phone and made the call to the family telling them they would take the case.

The three made their way outside and caught a taxi to the house of the family for questioning. Upon arrival they were warmly welcomed and treated to a hospitable lunch of asparagus and grilled cactus with vegemite.

It turns out, Dan, who was the husband recently killed, went to work driving the trolley as usual like he did every day. From what the police gathered, the burglar had tried to board the trolley carrying several cans of recently stolen paint. Dan, being a just man, and seeing that the criminal had just fled the store, tried to stop him by not letting him on the train. The paint thief started waving a gun at him telling him to drive and it went off and shot Dan the trolley driver.

The criminal fled the scene and no one got a good look at him except for a small blind boy, well known for making up stories. So they decided to go on the trail of the criminal and thought a good place to start would be the outskirts of the city, in the wilderness. (criminals always flee into the wilderness).

One morning when the three woke, and began to walk along the road, out in the field there was a llama. And then there wasn’t. They continued walking hoping someone would drive past; see them and they could hitch a ride.

Finally after passing a few road lizards, several cow pies, the carcass of a coyote and some wreckage from an unknown spacecraft, which they let be, (Blanche thought it not a good idea to get involved with an alien cover up) a rusty orange flatbed pickup truck passed, carrying some sheep and a pile of hay.

It stopped and the driver yelled, “Come on hop in! Where ya’ headed?” They gratefully climbed in with the kind farmer. He had hair almost as orange as his truck, a woven straw hat, only a few teeth and a green flannel shirt. They told him of their adventures and how they were trying to solve a murder. He asked “what brings you way out here to Beckerville?” Neither Blanche, Rip nor Oswald, after thinking about it, quite knew why. They were just here. They had been wandering for days.

“Well how bouts’ I take you folks back to my place? And we can figure things out from there. My wife makes a mean sweet potato pie.”

Ozwald was ecstatic. “Yah that sounds great!”Blanche said. What is your name anyway?” “Name’s Dolf. Dolf Jirgin”

“well Dolf, I am Blanche and these are my friends, Ozwald the monkey back there picking the sheeps nose, and Rip.” As she looked out the window at passing sage Blanche asked, “So Dolf have you lived in, what do you call this… Beckerville? All your life?” There was no reply, and the truck started to veer off the road. She turned and Dolf had fallen asleep hunched over the wheel snoring away.

The truck went tearing through the sagebrush bumping up and down over rocks. It was headed right for a cliff! Blanche grabbed the steering wheel and turned the truck back toward the road while Rip shook Dolf trying to wake him. He jolted awake and they all brought the truck to a stop.

Rip declared that he had to go see a man about a horse as he nearly had an accident in anticipation of an accident. “What was that all about Dolf? You fell asleep.”

“Oh did I? Oh craminy! If the Mrs. Finds out she’ll have my hide. See she don’t like me drivin’ on account a’ I fall asleep sometimes and scares folks.”

“Well you sure scared us.” Ozwald was swinging on the open door waiting for Rip, and just as Rip was finishing up his business behind a bush, Dolf went out again and with his foot on the gas, the truck took off down the road at full speed. Blanche grabbed Ozwald who was clinging for life to the open door and pulled him in. Leaving Rip standing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

Luckily they got close to the town and Blanche who was steering the truck was able to kill the engine so it coasted to a stop in front of a house. Across the street, a little old Irish woman came running out of an old farmhouse, flailing her arms and shaking a broom and shouting. She had to be about 4 foot 9 but stubborn as spit.

“Dolf! Dang your hide! You went off drivin’ again while I was out.” She saw the two passengers as she came up to the window. “Oh well excuse me, hello dears, I didn’t know he had company with him.”

“Luckily! Or he’d have gone over a cliff.” Blanche said.

“I’m Barbara, Dolf’s wife. Are you his mother?”

“Wha… No! I’m not.”

“Oh, you look old enough to be his mother. I just never met his mother. He never bothered to bring her over, and I just thought that you might be his mother.”

Blanche made no reply out of resentment. Wandering back into the farmhouse and motioning for them to follow her she mumbled to herself, half out loud for all who cared to hear,

“well goodness knows what goes through his mind…after 40 years of marriage you’d think a man would introduce you to his own mother. How I’ll ever survive such a man… Heaven knows.”

She brought them in, sat them down and made them some herbal tea. “How did you people run into Dolf? Where is he anyway?”

“You left him in the truck” Said Blanche.

“Oh, yes well, I’ll get him later, he’ll be fine.” Blanche thought “I’m not so worried about him, it’s everyone else in a five mile radius I worry about, with him behind a wheel.”

“So Dolf, bless his heart, as you may have gathered, is a narcoleptic. He falls asleep randomly and anywhere. Driving, eating, using his table saw…”

“You let him use a table saw?!” Blanche exclaimed.

“Have some blueberries dearie” said Barbara.

“Um we’d love to stay and get to know you but um, we are trying to solve a murder.”

“Goodness gracious! A murder? A whodunit. How exciting. I love mysteries.”

“Someone from the city, you may have seen it in the paper.”

“That Cab driver?” Said Barbara.

“Trolley but yes. Do you know anything?”

“I wish I could help Ma’am but aint nobody in this crazy township gonna be of any help.”

“Crazy? What do you mean crazy?”

“Everyone here has something mentally or physically wrong with them, or both. It’s sort of a reject town all the outcasts founded cause no where else would take em’”

“Really? Like what?” asked Ozwald.

“Well the nice China man next door, all four of his sons are severely scatterbrained, with an attention span of about 23 seconds. Martha across the street talks to water, lakes glasses, horse troughs, anything. Bill, four houses down on the right rhymes everything he says.”

“Wow, crazy!” Said Blanche.

“Your monkey would fit in just fine here.”

Blanche looked over to find Ozwald had wrapped himself in a hand sewn eastern run and was attempting to roll himself down a flight of stairs.

“Ozzy! Get out of that rug right now! And get over here. And what about you? What is wrong with you Barbara?” Blanche said.

“I married Dolf. You know, those Chinese sons I told you about, they might be perfect to help you on your quest. They are excellent at sneaking around stealthily and take orders well. They also know martial arts.”

“Hmmm I don’t know. I guess if they were caught they couldn’t give us away because they couldn’t remember huh?”

Meanwhile Rip was still standing on the side of the road in the middle of the dessert.

So Blanche and Ozwald went next door to Mr. Ping and explained their situation to him. He was very warm and friendly to them and emphatically supported the idea of having his four ninja sons accompany her on her journey, as they were doing him no good there.

Mr. Ping was in the paint business once, but was cheated out of his company by his selfish backstabbing partner. He warned them that he suspected him as the killer of the Trolley driver.

So off the six of them went passing Dolf still asleep in the truck.

Episode VIII- Blanche, Ozwald, Rip Van Winkle and the Bouncing Bungie Naked Jungle Bears.

2011-06-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

Blanche and Ozwald continued down the jungle path going deeper and deeper into oblivion. They saw many things such as skeletons of what had been pirates who long ago, also found their way to this mysterious and seemingly inescapable land. Strewn along the once beaten jungle path, now overrun with vines, were the remains of treasures and signs of what was once mutiny among these long silent buccaneers.

Finally the jungle began to thin, so that more light began to shine through. Then they came to a clearing, at a beach. They heard music, bongo drums, dancing and rattling. As they went toward the noise, they saw smoke rising, coming from around the cliffs cape.

They wandered along the ancient path, making their way around the various items of booty and plunder. Ozwald tripped over a huge pink diamond. He got up and dusted himself off. “I wonder who would leave all of this treasure here? Obviously someone inhabits this place.” Ozwald was curiously examining the sparkling pink gem.

“Ozwald put that down! Hmmm, obviously whoever lives here has no need for such treasures. Maybe they are simple people.”

They made their way around the bend and there was a huge civilization nestled in the open clearing of a jungle, right along the beach. Large trees with little huts in them made of mud like hornets nests, and some grass and mud huts on the ground. Some of the huts had pieces of gold or gems randomly crafted into the walls. Apparently used for nothing more than solid pieces for added structure and support. There were rope bridges going between the huts in the trees and an intricate series of vines for swinging down to the ground or place to place.

As they approached closer they could make out tiny figures gathered in the center of the village. The whole of the architecture was tiny, obviously populated by very tiny people. Right in the center of the whole city was what seemed to be a temple, larger than the other buildings, and curiously appeared to be made completely from treasure, gold, gems and the boxes they were stored in. It was a huge pile of pirate treasure, all carefully stacked in a pyramid, with a door and windows and everything. At the pinnacle was a large golden candlestick, with one of the 3 arms broken off, and only two remaining.

Suddenly there was a loud squeak and chirping noises. Someone in the village had spotted them and let out a warning.

They saw as the little things began to gather and run out towards them squeaking like little chicks. As they came closer Blanche saw that they looked like little naked bears. They were about 1 or more feet tall and had no fir. They were pink and bumpy like a chicken after it’s been plucked.

“Should we run?” Ozwald said.

“They don’t appear to be dangerous, and they have no weapons it seems.” Said Blanche. The little bears were running as fast as their little legs would carry them, and began to bounce once they picked up speed.

“That’s cool, they bounce!” Suddenly they were surrounded by the tiny naked bears, and could see they had little beady blue eyes. Up close you could tell that they all had slightly different tints of color. Very light blues, yellows, pink, and mauve. They all seemed so excited and were jumping up and down, pulling on Blanches blouse. They began to nudge and push them towards the village.

“I guess they want us to go with them. They seem very enthusiastic don’t they?” So the two followed the bears into the town, with the entourage all around them.

As they entered some of the naked bears were bungee jumping out of trees, tied to the vines, coming within inches of hitting the ground. Some were jumping in and out of wells of water, next to the temple. The bears were playing little drums and blowing into hollowed out reeds of wood. They were in the middle of some kind of celebration.

“They are like a village of little children with no parents. And they are cute with little mouths and eyes. Like chubby little flesh colored gummy bears.”

They were taken to the door of the temple as the music and chanting grew louder and louder. All of a sudden they stopped, and it was silent.

Then this little old bear with a dark green tint came out of the treasure temple. “That must be their wise man or tribal leader Ozwald.”

He wobbled when he walked, and came up to them and said “ei chocl ait u sup nien wagga noofu funjui” with a squeaky little voice. He then took the hand of Blanche and motioned for her to follow him into the temple. Ozwald followed behind. Inside it was a large empty room all except for a golden bed in the middle. On it laid a very old looking man. A human, either dead, or fast asleep Blanche could not tell. His white hair and beard flowed out and coiled up in a pile, suggesting he had been there for a very very long time.

The old bear went over to a shelf on the wall and pulled something down while they watched the old man with curiosity. He laid before their feet a book, with a leather binding and pages that looked several hundred years old.

Ozwald stated impatiently. “It looks like, from these pictures anyway, that these bears once had hair. I mean they are drawn in here all furry. Then for some reason, I’m not exactly sure, their hair went away; but it is unclear why. It shows a picture of the pirate ship in here, and drawings of some of the treasure. Oh ok, here it is, there is a figure drawing of what looks like this guy here. He fell asleep right here in this spot.” She studied the next few pages. “That’s odd, apparently the bears built this temple around him after he fell asleep here. Piling up the gold and jewels. And it looks like they expect him to wake up again someday. They have a festival every time the moon is a full moon it looks like, hoping he will wake up.”

“Woah!” “What?! Tell me! What is it?” Ozwald said.

“This picture shows two others coming and the one that looks like him wakes him up. Apparently they believe he can only be awakened by another one of his kind. Or another person.”

“Then it shows pictures of them being furry again. Strange. According to their prophesy he is supposed to somehow give them their hair back. So they have been waiting for him to awake for what looks like generations. Hundreds of years even.”

Blanche got up and walked over to the sleeping man. She stared at him with wonder not knowing what to do. “Maybe you are supposed to kiss him! You know, like true loves kiss.” Ozwald suggested.

“That is disgusting!” She put her hand on his shoulder, leaned in close, and shook him violently. “Wake up! Hey buddy, time to get up! Come on!”

“Oh!!! What the!” The old man lunged up in complete shock. “What’s that, who’s there!?”

“Calm down, sit down, hold still and let me explain.”

“Where am I? Who are you? Oh my gosh my beard is huge!”

Blanche grabbed him and shook him a bit to get him out of the shock, and sat him down.

“You have been asleep for a long time. These bear people have waited for you to wake up. Who are you, what is your name? And how long have you been here?”

“I don’t know… I..I…I don’t remember. My name, I don’t know my name. But I came here by…”

“By what? Ok we will call you Rip Van Winkle. But how did you come to this land? Did you come with the pirates?”

“Yes, I was a captive of theirs. They came here to the shore. I don’t remember anything else.”

“You don’t know where you came from?”

“What will we do with him Blanche?” Ozwald wondered.

“I suppose we can take him back with us. But we must try and figure out how to help him restore the bear’s fur. They have waited so long for this.”

They helped him up. The strength in his limbs was gone, as he had not used them in a long time. And they helped him to the door, with the ancient bear leading them. As they emerged into the outside sun, Rip repulsed from not being used to sunlight and covered his eyes to avoid blindness. Immediately the bungee bears exploded in an uproar of cheering and jumping around. The one who would vanquish their nakedness had finally awakened.

Once Rip Van Winkle’s legs gained strength and he tried walking a few steps.

“Hey you’re doing all right.” Said Ozwald.

Blanche explained the pictures to him amid the noise of the celebrating bears.

“How am I supposed to do that? I can’t give them their hair. They will be disappointed. Tell them I can’t.”

“They don’t understand. They won’t know why you won’t do what their prophecy says you will do. You’ve got to do something, look at them, they are cute, and innocent.”

“This is crazy! I’m getting off this stupid island, I can’t do this.”

Rip began to stomp away looking for a way off. He got tangled up in his beard which was a good 65 feet long by now, and lacking balance still, fell face first into the sand. He jumped up and yelled “Oh this troublesome beard! He grabbed a nearby pirate sword and began to cut it off. After some sawing he got it off and threw it down on the ground exclaiming, “That’s enough of that thing!”

Immediately the little bears began to run around hysterically and look for anything sharp they could get their little nubs on. One bear ran up and cut off a little patch of hair from the end of the disembodied beard and using some mud applied it to his backside. He began to run around and dance as if he had won some great victory.

The other bears stood in awe for a few seconds then with enough clamor to sink the island into the ocean followed suit. Putting patches of beard onto legs, backs, heads, anywhere they could reach.

“What in the world are they doing?” Said Rip.

“It looks as though they think you gave them fir and are putting it on themselves” Observed Blanche.

“That doesn’t count. Don’t they see that can’t possibly be the prophecy they had expected? They can’t be serious, it’s just little patches of glued on hair.” Said Rip.

“Well they don’t know any different. It has been so long, so many generations, that none of them even know what it’s like to have fir. They don’t know any better. To them this is sufficient. It was just the story they were waiting for, that they had always been told, not so much the fir they cared about.”

“But the mud will wear off their bodies, the fir will eventually fall off. That’s ridiculous!”

“So what. Look at them, they are happy. And you did it.”

“I guess so…. Yah, I guess I did, didn’t I?”

“Lets go home.” As they turned to leave, the chief came over and bowed down, then handed Rip a purple crayon, that was among the various piles of loot, as a peace offering.

They smiled and then turned back down the path to the portal from whence they came. Passing the suspicious looking bowl of petunias on their way.

Blanche and Ozwald Episode VII- The suspicious looking bowl of petunias

2010-11-18T20:01:00.001-08:00

Blanche and Ozwald stepped through the portal into a magical place, with green grass and trees all around, chirping birds, bunnies, a brook of trickling water was flowing set among the lilies and posies. There were little trails paved by deer and white fluffy clouds whisping through the blue sky. The air was filled with the scent of blossoms and berries from the pink and blue leaved trees. “Wow!” Blanche exclaimed. This is beautiful!” “Berries!” Ozwald exclaimed, running to one of the trees.

Blanche turned to find a coffee table, and on it sat a suspicious looking bowl of petunias. Blanche starred at it for a second, expecting it to do something…well…suspicious, like lash out or some even more horrid unspeakable act. But it just sat there, doing absolutely nothing, as it probably had for eons, or however long this little enchanted place had been there, unseen by human eyes and untrodd by human (or orangutan) feet. This only heightened Blanches anticipation that it might suddenly break from that long sullen cycle of silence. But contrary to her instinct, the bowl of petunias did nothing, it just sat there, perfectly content in its state of deathly yet torturous stillness. “What in the world are you doing Blanche?” Ozwald beckoned, “Why are you standing there looking at that pot of flowers? Come on let’s go explore this place.”

“Ok, ok” said Blanche, as she struggled to break herself free of the half-conscious daze she had been drawn into, her eyes being fixed in a deep gaze of contemplation, she somehow felt eternally connected in some way, irresistibly bound to this opponent drenched in tranquility, and powerless to escape. Finally she came to her senses and slowly drifted back to reality. “Geese Blanche what was that all about?” “I don’t know Ozwald? It’s that bowl of petunias, it just caught my attention for some reason, I couldn’t take my mind off of it. Well let’s go, huh?” and they began to skip down a well-worn path.

They laughed and joked, pointing out all kinds of strange little animals and weird probably undiscovered plants of all kinds “we could be famous Blanche! I bet no one has ever seen this place before.” After walking for sometime, and saying nothing, Blanches thoughts began to drift back to the suspicious looking bowl of petunias. She had felt, when in its presence; as though she had been trapped in a hypnotic gaze with it since the dawn of time, and yet was perfectly content to go about doing so forever. As if she was staring into the eternities.

After walking for some time they came upon a little cottage in a grotto amid some scrub oak, and a path just beyond it, leading into the thick dark forest.

“Let’s go and see if anyone lives here Blanche.Like a handful of dwarves or a beautiful white skinned girl?”

“Yah right, ok, let’s go and check it out. Why do I get the suspicion that I’m going to regret this?”

Blanche and Ozwald cautiously approached the little hand carved wooden door, and Ozwald, with utmost enthusiasm, gave it a good knock, to which the door promptly flew open to reveal a furry little creature, somewhat resembling a hamster, with beady little eyes a pointy nose and a large smile, who looked far to small to be the original occupant of his disproportioned dwelling.

“Come on in friends! Welcome! Welcome! Sit down make yourselves at home I hope you like crapleberry jam.” This did not sound to appealing to Blanche, who had a feeling of uneasiness and abhorrence for this pungent little creature. Ozwald however graciously gobbled up several slices of toast and its odd condiment.

“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Narfy Bumpkin, known to the natives around here as ‘the great stupid.’ I haven’t had any guests in ages, in fact most of my crapleberry jam has long gone bad because I just have to much to eat it all myself.”

Ozwalds facial expression immediately turned from satisfied to disgruntled as he clutched his discontent stomach and tried to disregard his sudden nausea.

“The great Stupid?’ isn’t that a bad thing?” Blanche said, “You act as though being so deemed by your apparently unfriendly neighbors, is a compliment?”

“Oh they don’t know anything, you see, they just don’t understand, I am an inventor, my IQ is vastly superior to those savages in the woods. They just can’t appreciate my genius, which is why I live here, alone.”

“But this house is so big, and well, you’re so small, how is that, I mean did someone else live here before you?”

“Oh no! I built it myself. You see no one else could have been capable of mastering such an architectural phenomenon, way ahead of its time.”

“Uhah” Blanche said questioningly as she looked around the room to find beams being held together with clay and bits of twine, not a single ninety-degree angle to be found, the whole thing looking as if it would topple at any time.

“Yep I found the plans for it floating in a pond outside some years ago, see here they are.” As Narfy, shuffled through some piles of scattered notes and papers then handed them what appeared to be a copy of the blueprints for Buckingham Palace.

“Of course I made a few modifications, based on available resources and changes I thought would be better. Pretty good huh?”

Blanche by this point was beginning to think it was time to get going, that this self-proclaimed inventor was a few gears shy of his clock, but she turned to find Ozwald, in a not so skeptical fascination with the many half done contraptions scattered around the cottage. Having completely forgotten about his stomach which previously did not agree with him, Ozwald was intently studying the gadgets which now gathering dust, were obviously started long ago, but because of forgetfulness and disorganization, had never been finished.

“Yes architecture is one of my lesser hobbies. My most favorite things to do are crocheting, studying the ancient archeological finds of this magical land, and I have always been most fascinated with the breeding rituals of the many varieties of poinsettias.”

“What?!” said Blanche as Narfy went over to assist Ozwald in his attempt to assemble some gears together.

“Oh, the other day I found a piece of plywood on the bank of the little brook, which I think confirms my long suspected theory of the origins of this land.”

“I’m afraid to ask, but humor me.”

“Well the natives here grow peanut plants which, I think anyway, have been here far longer than we have. Which leads me to believe that this entire world was created by some sub species of Elephant who built ships and traveled here anciently. Their intelligence being vastly superior to all but perhaps that of myself, allowed the peanut bushes which they initiated to thrive long after they were gone.”

“But the only water here is that little brook out there… wait why am I encouraging this conversation, Ozwald! It’s ti…”

“Oh but it was probably once a torrent of raging water, that they could have easily sailed down to here.”

“Ok, Ozwald it’s time for us to be leaving now.”

But it was too late, for Ozwald who had overheard that part of the conversation, had become interested and left his intent inquiry of the machinery to participate in the discussion. Ozwald asked “well do you know where the river leads to, maybe you could travel upstream to find where the elephant people came from, and maybe some are still there?! You could connect the gap between thousands of years of mystery and find out where you all came from!”

“Well the native won’t go past the forest edge because they consider it sacred ground from whence the creators came. And I am just far to busy for that kind of doddling. Besides I can’t go very far hiking, my blood sugar gets low, and I perspire.”

“You mean to tell me no one has gone beyond the brook out there?” said Blanche.”

“Nope, I am on a breakthrough with many inventions, I have so many books to read, I learn a lot. Like for instance Blanche, did you know that in a place called Australia the toilet water swirls the opposite direction than all the other continents on this one world.”

“What? You call that knowledge? Wait how did you know that?”

“See, here it is.”

As he handed her a book entitled ‘Down Under-everything you need to know about plumbing in Australia,’ one of the many books on his shelves, all of which looked long out of print.

“Where did you get these books? They are from my world.”

“I found them. Oh scattered here and there every which way, out in the woods.”

“Are there any books in your archive about how to get out of this accursed place?”

“There is no way out, you are here forever.”

“No way, you must be joking, there has to be a way?”

“Nope, ‘fraid not, but that is perfect because you can stay and be my assistants, I am working on an invention that will make your bread all warm and toasty, but wont burn it to a crisp like the fire does.”

“You mean like a toaster?”

“What? Hey blanche guess what, this morning… I lowered my cholesterol!”

“…Fascinating…Well I’m terribly sorry Narfy Bumpkin, but we must be going.”

“What for, do you have some pressing appointment perhaps? Oh tonight you can stay for dinner. I made poppy seeds in Bo Bo sauce on chunky Crapperjam balls. Yes I know what your thinking… not only is he a genius inventor but an excellent chef too!”

“Actually that’s not what I was thinking, at a…”

“Go ahead Ozwald try some, they’re delicious!”

“Ozwald, remember what the last thing you ate here did;”

As he was raising a heaping spoonful to his mouth, and he quickly changed his mind.

“Well the Great Stupid, we really must be going now, it was nice to meet you.”

And Blanche began to get up and head for the door, followed quickly there after by Ozwald.

“No! Wait! I can help, remember I told you there’s no way out, but here (as he waddled on over to the counter and picked up what appeared to be an old broken toaster) I have invented this time machine, it took me forever to build it.”

“Umm… It doesn’t look safe. I’m not sure if we sho…”

“Safe! Of course it’s safe! I built it.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“With this time machine you can go back to before you came here and then this whole thing never would have happened.”

“Well come to think of it, I do wish we had never come here.”

“Good! Here, now we just push a few buttons and, let’s see where’s that switch?”

Narfy was now fuddling with an increasingly temperamental contraption. Strange noises and flashes of light began to get louder and louder.

“Oh darn it where did I put that button, we need to set it to yesterday, but what time…?”

“Oh! Uh we’ll be just fine on our own! It looks like you are having problems with that thing. Quick Ozwald let’s go! Out the door!”

The machine had begun a high-pitched screech, that got higher and higher.

“Oh here it is, ok…”

“Now Ozwald!”

Blanche and Ozwald lunged out the front door and into a ditch, covering their heads with their arms, just as the Time machine erupted into a huge fiery ball that was visible… from space. Ozwald not far behind barely made it out the door in time, but all the hair on his back was singed off. When the smoke settled they discovered that Narfy Bumpkin was dead. There was nothing remaining of ‘The Great Stupid’ or his poorly designed little shack laboratory thingy. All that remained on the former site was the cover to one of his books entitled “The struggles and lives of single cat-fish” which they used as a tomb stone, and had a brief mourning with probably the shortest Eulogy in history.

“We barely made it out alive Ozwald. Well let’s go see if we can find our way out of here, shall we?”

And they began to walk down the little crooked path into the black jungle. Meanwhile back at the entrance portal, still sat the suspicious looking bowl of petunias, wallowing in its seclusion. It begins to continue to do nothing. But then… just as we begin to rejoin our heroes in the jungle… suddenly… While our backs are turned, the suspicious looking bowl of petunias…still does nothing, as it always has. Leaving our heroes to wander off into the jungle, alone.

The Adventures of Blanche and Skiperdoo- Episode VI Blanche awakens “The”

2010-11-18T19:35:00.000-08:00

One Lovely spring morning in the beautiful forest of whauppul Jauppu in some part of the southeast corner of Middlesex England, Blanche and Skipperdoo were enjoying a relaxing walk through the pretty pink flowering trees, to find the perfect picnic spot. After enjoying the different arrays of plantish beauty they picked out just such a spot in the shade of a not-there tree. As they went to sit down they saw a clan of moss bunny’s bouncing about. They stopped to watch there new fuzzy and adorable friends, but when they turned around to start their long awaited feast, they found that it had been carried off by a colony of ants. “Oh dear! Lets go out in search of some nuts and berries skiperdoo, so as to see that we don’t starve.”

So Blanche and her stupid companion went on a quest to find another source of vittles. After several hours of no luck they stumbled upon a deep pit, shrouded in mist which descended into the earth, for as far as the eye could see. Blanche dropped a rock down the chasm to see if she could hear it hit the bottom, but all the cave uttered in return was a deathly cold silence. “Come on Skip, lets go down and see if there are some nuts and berries down there.” (Now at this point if Skipperdoo could talk he would have said something like, “you’re an idiot… I hate you.” But he can’t so he barked).

Blanche began her cautious descent down into the billowing cavern, which seemed to be a portal to the center of the earth, one that had not been disturbed by outsiders since the creation thereof. There were many strange creatures in the cave, including a species of mold, which had the power to cure lactose intolerant patients, which blanche and Skippy passed right by, completely oblivious to its medicinal properties. It eventually got to the point where Blanche and Skip were cold, tired, very hungry and very lost, not knowing weather they had been down there for hours or days, for there was no sunlight.

Suddenly there came a gurgling rumble from somewhere in the chasm, it was the most terrifying thing Blanche had ever heard. What was it! Had they awakened something that most definitely did not want to be disturbed? Then as they were attempting to get out of the cave as fast as they could there came a voice, the most eerie, scratchy, evil sounding voice that could possibly be imagined. “Who dares enter my domain! Speak or die!” was a voice which pierced Blanche to the core and filled her with fear. Out of the pit rose a creature so fowl, so terrible that the thing would have made the devil himself tremble. The eyes screamed mal-intent, and there was hatred in the very breathe of it. It was so terrifying that Blanche could provide no description of it whatsoever, indeed there were no words in the English language, or any other tongue to describe its horribleness, but instead is left completely to the imagination. In fact Blanche could not even think of anything to call this new foe except only that of “The”.

Blanche picked up her now passed out puppy and ran faster than she had ever run before up to the surface, with “The” in hot pursuit, gurgleing and screaming like a banchee. She reached the surface and took refuge under an umbrella. When “The” came to the surface for the first time in eons, the sun was so new and bright that it burned his eyes out, and the smell “The” brought which had been lying dormant for so long, killed all surrounding plant life. Finally Blanche saw “The” in the full majesty of The’s horribleness.

It was written, in some ancient native texts, suspected to be myth that “The” was the most wretched creature in the universe and had a deep knowledge of all miserable, dingy, pungent, malicious and criminal things that could be conceived. He reaked with all manner of disease, like the black plague, (and athletes foot), which he spread like wildfire in the 1300’s, and was in the workings of some of the most wicked practices in History. It is also widely speculated that “The” played a major role in the start of the French Revolution, and is also credited for the invention of the rubber raft as well as the grass roof, of which “The” denies any affiliation.

No one has been able to explain exactly why “The” is so evil. Although many believe that this rage is derived from jealousy because of the fact that “The’s” cousin “It” (who is substantially better looking) landed a leading role in the smash hit comedy “The Adams Family” but no other reasonable explanation has been given for this behavior other than that “The” is mean because he can be.

“The” told Blanche that because she had entered his domain, she must suffer the pains of a most gruesome death. “The” declared that on the morrow, at exactly 7:00 in the morning, Blanche would have to engage in a duel with “The” to the death, gladiator style.

The two opponents were placed in separate tents for the night, in preparation for the battle that would surely ensue the following morning. As Blanche sat, contemplating her fate, her whole life seemed to flash before her eyes. All the great adventures that her and skipperdoo had experienced up to this point, all the memories and artifacts they had collected, her late husband, the farm, her childhood, parents, that gum ball that was still sitting on her dresser after two years, “I should finish that,” she thought to herself, and then she realized that there was not much time left, just a few short hours and Blanche would fight her last fight. For “The’s” powers were far beyond those of her own, she had never come across an opponent like “The” and had absolutely no chance of survival. This was sure to be the end of her.

She said her goodbyes to Skiperdoo and slowly drifted off to sleep, finally coming to terms with her inevitable destiny, she realized that she had lived a good life and was at peace with the world, she was ready.

Finally seven o’clock came and Blanche woke ready to face “The” and at least go out with a bang! Die with her boots on so to speak, but out on the battlefield there was silence, as “The” had snuck off in the dead of night to fulfill his life long dream of performing in the musical play “The Nutcracker” but not before eating Skipperdoo, along with the usual bowl of breakfast Wheaties. (Yes this time Skipperdoo is really dead)

Blanche was absolutely flabbergasted. As she returned home without her lifelong annoying little friend trying to piece together all the culminating events which led up to this surprising twist, all the while thinking “what just happened?” she stumbled upon an orangutan who was attempting to lob off his own arm with a grapefruit. She new immediately that the Orangutan had special powers, for he could make toast, and Blanche had never met an Orangutan who could make toast before (come to think of it, Blanche had never met an orangutan period) so naturally it must be of some magical value. She asked Ozwald, as she so deemed him, to join her in her travels, and become her sidekick, she also told him of all the events, which had just transpired, and about “The” and Ozwald agreed to join her.

Not much is known of the fate of “The” although it is widely rumored that “The” was cast in the play “The Nutcracker” and it was a huge success. “The” is now believed to have landed a role in the popular play “beauty and the beast” where “The” was cast in as Bell, and is everybody’s favorite.

As we return to Blanche and her newfound friend Ozwald, they are just returning home to Blanche’s beloved farm. And as they enter there is a clash of light as the red vacuum from episode 3 transforms the wall into a brilliant gateway, which appears to be some kind of portal to another world. Little did Blanche know, that a toast making Orangutan just happened to be the only key to unlock the powers of the vacuum (we told you the vacuum would come in handy).

Blanche and Ozwald starred in awe at this new find, then together linked arms and stepped through the door of their next adventure into the unknown…..

Episode V- Blanche and Skiperdoo and the powers of powerness

2010-11-18T19:32:00.001-08:00

So anyway there they were, galumphing through the woods, Skiperdoo was smashing daisies as he usually does on their galumphing trips. They were singing the Slavic National anthem for no apparent reason, when Blanche stumbled upon a mighty boulder in the middle of Kentucky blue grass. On it sat a crumpet, which she promptly took for medicinal purposes. Skiperdoo got a little crazy and fastened some branches to his head to look like a reindeer, (too many daisy’s I guess).

They came to a large clearing in the woods, and there was an old man with long white hair and a long white beard. He was wearing nothing but a metallic silver loincloth, and had clearly missed his annual shower day. As they approached him they noticed he was whiffing smelling salts, and humming a tune which very closely resembled Pink Floyds “Dark side of the moon.”

“Hello! Old man,” Blanche said to him, and he began to laugh historically. (Not hysterically mind you, for it was an historic moment, no one quite knows why).

“I know you Blanche, I have been waiting for you to come…he he he!”

“What? Who are you old man? And how do you know my name?”

“Woof!”

“Your right Skiperdoo, he is an enchanter and knows all.”

“Actually I just looked it up in the phone book… roast squirrel?” as he handed her a stick with a very charcoaled looking late squirrel.

“No thank you. Old man by what name are you known?”

“I am Smitty Von Yagerminjensen, but the woodland creatures and my manicurist call me bill.”

“What? What does bill have to do with Smitty Von Yag… whatever your name was?”

“Well… come to think of it, my financial adviser also calls me Bill… But never mind that! Blanche you sneaky old hag, you were trying to distract me to steal my magic chunky-O’s. Well you can’t have them! I already ate them, Ha!”

“What! No! I don’t want any of your cereal old man, I just want to know why I am here, what do you want of me?”

“Why do you keep calling me old man? Look at you, your know spring Chicken either. Bytheway, what are you doing this weekend miss? Eh eh!”

“Ew! No! Tell me why you have brought me here or we shall leave!”

“Well, I am getting frail in my old age and need someone to bathe me…

(Blanche Cringes with a horribly disgusted and contorted face)

You see I can’t reach this spot on my back anymore and…”

“Sick! We’re leaving! Come on Skippy, spit that squirrel out, you don’t know where it’s been.”

“No! Wait! I have some advice for you Blanche. I perceive you have great potential, and great powers!”

“Well, I am the PTA president back home…”

“You must choose your path Blanche, you may use your greatness for good of for evil. I can help you learn to master and control your abilities, for only four easy payments of $ 29.95.”

“What! $ 29.95, but um…”

“All right! All right, fine, just give me that stupid crumpet, and we’ll call it even, I havn’t had anything but roast squirell in years. And what about Skiperdoo, Does he have any special powers?”

“Ummm…. He can bark in 52 different languages, and 170 different sub-dialects.”

“…………Oh……….Fascinating… anyway, here take this sparkly purple cloak, it will help you in your travels.”

“Wow! A purple cloak, is it magic?”

“Actually! It’s really a cheap trinket! But the squirrels seem to like it.”

“Oh…”

“My late wife knitted it herself.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, how did she die?”

“Oh she’s not dead, she’s just late. She used to go on long walks to pick nuts and berries, and just one day, she never came back, I’ve waited and waited, dinner is cold by now.”

“She never came back?”

“Nope, see, she decided at the age of 65 that she would walk five miles every day. She would be 82 now, and 31,046 and a quarter miles away. I don’t know where the heck she is. I ain’t seen her in 17 years. Sigh.”

“Well thank you for the cloak.”

“You must choose Blanche, balance your chi, and harness your ultimate powers! Choose between good and evil, light or dark, Black or white, life and death, rice and beans…”

“What? Rice and beans?”

(The old man holds out two bowls)

“Well, which will it be rice or beans?”

“Um, I’ll take the rice I guess.”

“Ah… Then I shall have the beans.”

As they sat a while eating their bowls of food the old man paused, looked up and said,

“I’m sorry Blanche but you have chosen poorly, I am ashamed, and I sense much conflict of judgment in you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You should have never let me have the beans, now you shall unleash a power to great and terrible to bear!”

(FART!!! Skiperdoo faints)

“I warned you, last time I had one that big, the squirrels were out for hours. Well Blanche, this is but the first step in your magical quest; use your feelings in good judgment. Now go.”

Blanche Dawned her cloak, picked up her furry companion and left Bill to his smelling Salts.

A few hours later Blanche and skiperdoo (who had awoke by this time) stumbled upon a half of a large heard of cattle, or better known as a not so large heard of cattle, grazing in the southeast portion of the west corner on the northern hills. They were prostrate on their backs, and all in the attitude of attempting to walk crab style while singing Khumbia.

Suddenly Skiperdoo had a stupid idea. While Blanche had her back turned powdering her nose, Skippy jumped on one of the cows and rode it off a cliff into a deep cavern of natural springs. Blanche turned to find her little buddy drowned in the billowing deep.

Blanche new she had to go on without him. The mega Stores Grand sale was just miles away through the dark forest, and everything was 70% off for that day only!

So leaving her furry little friend in his watery grave she trudged through the dark thorn filled forest, fighting danger and evil along her way, including a giant ear of corn.

When she reached the edge of the thicket, she found skiperdoo lying in a puddle of mud, with a note, which read,

“You dropped this- signed the old man”

So Blanche picked up her stunned little friend, who had vowed never to go cliff diving again, or bull riding for that matter, and the two of them walked off into the sunset, to the Stores Grand sale.

Episode IV- Son of the narwhal

2010-10-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

At the bottom of the mazzlewanny trench at the deepest, darkest, most gloomy, and somewhat pleasantly jovial, part of Lake Tweed, (Not to be confused with Lake Theed, which rests bubbly at the top of mount Zap, on it’s side, (no one knows how)) son of the Narwhal sat wallowing in bitterness, having returned from receiving his false degree in Agricultural law at a prestigious university, to find his mother slain by an unknown attacker.

(How a Narwhal received passage into an accredited school dermatologists have yet to explain. Perhaps it is because he disguised himself as Lord Tennyson and applied cocoa butter to his face.)

Son of the Narwhal, or Riley, as we will call him just this once, sat contemplating who could have knocked off Ma. He determined that this foe must have been specially trained at fighting Narwhals, as well as Walrus’s and the like, for his Mother had never died before, so had obviously never encountered so great an opponent. Or at least one who could not be easily dissuaded with a small sum of devilled eggs divided into thirds. Using deductive reasoning, Son of Narwhal decided the assassin was a middle-aged woman of 82. He also determined her name was Blanche, as she dropped a note written in sideways reformed Aramaic.

Being a big Humphrey Bogart fan he happened to know a little sideways Reformed Aramaic and interpreted the note to say, “gone shopping- Blanche”

Son of the Narwhal was furious, he began vigorously cleaning everything in sight, (which is something he did when stressed) he mopped the floor and polished his mothers old China Cabinet. In his flustered O.C.D. state he failed to take his cherry pie out of the oven and it was horribly burnt. That was it, he decided he had no other choice but to avenge his mothers’ death and kill her assailants. So he packed a nap-sack, fed his sea cucumber and locked up never to return again (at least until spring cleaning).

Meanwhile, Blanche and skiperdoo were on an ice-fishing trip after visiting the Czarina of Tokyo, about the economic benefits of Kiwi farming.

“Wow, that’s a whopper!” as Blanche reeled in a king Salmon. Skiperdoo was pleasantly sloshing in the puddles with his galoshes. They had a jolly time making a snowman. The whole afternoon was very aesthetically pleasing… until!

The Son of the Narwhal silently floated through the dark murky water, in search of his newfound victims. He made not a sound, nor disturbed the water, in trying to keep concealed until the right moment, to take them by surprise.

Then Blanche thought she saw something far off in the distance, come up out of the water, like a fin. She paid no attention to what she saw, because she was to busy banging the Salmon’s head on a rock.

Then She heard a deafening and bloodcurdling roar, like a bull. Apparently the Narwhal had stubbed his sort-of-toes on a wall of ice. He was stuck, behind a wall of ice still left over from the ice age. He had to wait for global warming. Finally 3 days later, (it melted fast) he was free from his icy confinement to do what he had come to do. For some reason Blanche and skiperdoo were still on the little boat, after three days. The Narwhal began to increase in speed, he became faster and faster. He put forth his great horn and let out another terrible roar.

As the Narwhal came careening toward Blanche and skiperdoo, in a dead charge, and just as all hope for the two heroes seemed lost, and it appeared that they weren’t getting out of this alive...

WHAAMMM!!!!

“Sir, we’ve hit something!”

“What? An iceberg?”

“I don’t know sir, but we’re sinking.”

“No, that’s impossible, this ship is unsinkable! Quick cabin boy, go straighten the deck chairs.”

“Yes sir, but shouldn’t I get the rafts ready?”

“No I’ll do that, you just worry about those chairs.”

Yes, as you might have guessed, at this very moment there was a group of zealous and fanatical history fans reenacting the Titanic tragedy (They having done Civil War reenactments so many times they were bored of it.) with a real ship at 1/3 scale and authentic wardrobe and all.

The Narwhal was snuffed out in the very climax of his would be victory by none other than the Titanic look-alike. A very uneventful death if you ask me. But he did leave a good dent.

Blanche being a quick thinker as she was took action. She helped many of the victims of the wreck into lifeboats, and boosted their spirits. She saved dozens.

Blanche had been on the college journalism team under the pen name Molly Black, so upon returning to America she was deemed the “Unsinkable Molly Black” for her heroics, it being a catchier name than Blanche for media ratings. The governor awarded her a trophy, before she and skiperdoo returned home.

The tattered corpse of Son of the Narwhal slowly sank to the black depths of the deep blue sea, never to avenge his late mother. And Blanche and Skippy were never aware of the deadly fate that was so near them from the terror that had been pursuing them for days.

Episode III- Blanche and the Natives

2010-10-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

One fine summer day Blanche and Skiperdoo packed up and dawned their fuzzy mittens and overcoats, it being freezing cold outside, and made the long journey to attend to the plight of some native cliff dwelling people on the southern most part of a tiny island, just west of the mainland of a larger island nearer Guatemala.

These industrious peoples had built a large city right out of the side of the cliffs. The buildings were held together and connected only by bamboo, as well as magnetically reinforced titanium cables, artificially made of bamboo.

They harvested honey plants and ate the roots from the side of the cliffs, as well as the tails of the blue-footed gecko.

It was nearly paradise, except for a chronic problem. On a routinely basis, almost nightly, a deranged sleepwalker, sometimes dozens, would stagger over one of the rope bridges and plummet to their untimely demise. The generally accepted consensus among the villagers on these sleepy suicidal jumpers was that they must be dead; the bodies having been dashed against the jagged rocks below, it seemed like the logical conclusion. The statistics were catastrophic; in the past eight months they had lost nearly one. But their culture having kept no records, never knew by morning who was gone and who remained.

Blanche founded the first opu-opu community lemonade stand (for such was the name by which they were known.) and the problem was solved. She then told them of an Elvis Presley Concert in Memphis, which the villagers ecstatically decided unanimously to attend; they having no king of their own on a count that he had fallen to his death two weeks earlier without the knowledge of his people.

With the Opu-Opu gone, Blanche decided to take advantage of their hospitality and make waffles. She, while cooking the waffles, began to rummage through some of the natives effects. She found an old gene lamp, rubbed it and out flowed a gene, telling her he would grant her three wishes. Not being a fool Blanche knew there was no such thing as gene’s and told him “I don’t believe in gene’s, back in that lamp you!” and promptly hurled it out the window to its untimely demise. She then found a red vacuum, and decided to keep it. You never know when a red vacuum could come in handy.

She climbed down a rope ladder, carrying Skiperdoo in the pocket of her pantaloons. She climbed into a glass bottom canoe and was off down the river, far below the cliffs.

Being old and with failing eyesight she did not realize that the glass bottom canoe had no glass at all. And they began to sink. They were however saved by a three-finned blue turtle. However only having three fins, he had not the proper propulsion and therefore eventually went in circles.

He was the last of his kind, all the others having died. One can only get so far on 3 fins and natural selection had not been kind to them, having waited several thousand years for a fourth fin to appear.

On a side note Skiperdoo fell into the water and was devoured by sharks. So Blanche slowly drifted home on the back of the blue turtle. She became so hungry that she opened and ate everything in the red vacuum bag. When they reached land she gave the turtle her shoelace as a token of her good faith. She then ate the first turnip she came upon. But was chased off of the beach by a blind four horned cow named little Netty.

After wandering through a dark and dreary forest for who knows how long, filled with creatures, old hieroglyphs and signs of ancient barbaric people, she eventually came upon civilization. She attended a dinner theater on the edge of the dark forest. It was spectacular and well worth the ticket price. She met many people who complimented her on her red vacuum, how pristine it looked and made some new Mongol friends.

She returned home with a torn dress, a full stomach, some new native friends and a brand new old red vacuum. And also with the rest of Skiperdoo, for contrary to popular belief, he was not eaten entirely. The sharks only chomped off his back end, therefore forcing Blanche to have to get one of those little pet wheelchairs for animals with no back legs, for them to scoot around in, by walking with their front legs. It was a wonderfully emotionally exhilarating adventure for the both of them. And they fell asleep in each other’s arms watching Jeopardy.

EPISODE II- BLANCHE AND THE MYSTERIOUS GNARFLING CUMQUAT

2010-10-01T16:20:00.001-07:00

Blanche awoke one day to find a man dressed in a plaid grass hula skirt, standing at her bedside. He startled her by saying “I am Gnefkin! Lord of Cumquats!” and he handed her a custom made cumquat. He then serenaded her with his accordion but then disappeared by running smack into the wall and turning into a dust bunny. He was then carried away by the wind, and a magical rainbow. She starred in wonder and amazement at this newfound gift. What was a Cumquat?

She set it aside and began to do her morning Jazzercising with her new “Tina and the fuzzy chicks” workout video. Suddenly the cumquat began to gurgle and golup. She at first paid it no mind but then it began to bounce around the house and it broke her grandmother’s old antique vase. So Blanche went straight to the book fare and bought “how to control a cumquat.”

She returned to find that the cumquat had painted the Sistine chapel on her ceiling with nothing more than toothpaste and raspberry jam. He had also erected an alter to burn incense to the Lord of the produce section, in her front yard. And he turned her horse cart into a monument to the great and terrible Bill.

She decided that the cumquat had to go. Skiperdoo tried to help but just received an enormous blow to the head by the cumquat. After many different attempts, including casting a spell, Blanche finally lured the cumquat into a cage with a floppy disc and a paring knife. Once inside the cage it stopped moving entirely. In fact the cumquat made absolutely no noise whatsoever. Blanche was satisfied with the new disposition of this little terror, and became at ease after a while.

Then strange things began to happen around the farm. First the chickens got chicken pox and died of pneumonia. Then a large gapping hole appeared in the middle of blanche’s flowerbed. She went out to the barn to find one of the three new horses completely bald and as smooth as a baby’s bottom. There was also a monkey throwing marbles into a bucket of water, just outside the fence.

Blanche became suspicious, and sought advice from a mental health care provider. The first appointment went well, although Blanche had used up her entire piggy bank, which she was going to donate to bald women. But upon arrival for her second appointment she found that the psychiatrist had mysteriously died. He had choked on a plastic spoon and drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol to sterilize the dirty spoon. He died in 3 seconds of internal hemorrhaging.

She went home in sadness, and walked in to find the house dead silent, and the cumquat sitting ever so still in the cage with a malicious air about him.

“What have you done to Skiperdoo, what did you do to the shrink! And my house! Why are you doing these things to me, have you no morals at all? Did you ever have a mother!?” The cumquat starred at her and Blanche could hear a faint mischievous gnome like chuckle.

She decided that the cumquat was the cause of all this folly and must therefore die; so she had cumquat for dinner, it was delicious. So Blanche was once again at peace on the little farm, after she found Skiperdoo… who did not die; but was buried up to his ears in jell-o by the voodoo curse of said late cumquat. All is well… but some say, to this day, when the moon is high and the tub is full, if you listen carefully, one can hear the distant and ever so faint chuckle of the cumquat.

Episode I- Blanche and Skiperdoo vs. the Narwhal

2010-10-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

Long ago, (probably sometime in the 1970’s) somewhere in Kansas, on an old contemporary farm, in a little old farmhouse lived an old widow of 13 years named Blanche. Her late husband had settled that land and built up their farm back in 1921. He asked her to marry him in 23 and the two lived a blissful marriage together until his death in 1964. Blanche had reserved herself to a life of solitude in mourning, with only her little dog Skipperdoo for company.

The fiery spunk and sense of adventure she once possessed in her youth had long dwindled, leaving nothing but fond memories of her younger years. You see she had been the stubborn one, her husband being quieter, gentile and reserved. She was the spitfire then, but time had made her more like him. Little did she know that the need for that sense of adventure would soon be rekindled once again.

With the fire crackling, Blanche sat in the warm dim light, on her comfy 3-legged stool, with her head in a bucket of anchovies, (to reduce wrinkles) reading “The Hound of the Baskervilles” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

The phone beeped, (Blanche had a chronic superstition of ringing, it signifying the end of cherry farmers everywhere.) she answered it. It was of course her cousin Fran, who was calling to announce she had just won the Glasgow gin rummy contest. Well of course Blanche was jealous, on account that Fran had won the Senior Citizen cricket tournament in Cambridge the week before.

Suddenly there was a scratch at the door, so Blanche hung up on her chattering relative, and opened the door… there was no one there… she looked around, but then looked down. There was Skiperdoo, her little dog (which by the way was a crossbreed of an Irish wolfhound and a teacup poodle) don’t ask what it looked like, it’s simply dreadful.) Skiperdoo was covered head to toe in slime. She had been playing in the bogs again, taunting the alligators. (Skiperdoo was good at that) “Oh! Skippy, dirty again are we?” so Blanche promptly threw Skiperdoo into a bucket of soapy water and thrashed her vigorously up and down the washboard. She then threw Skiperdoo into her old crank powered dryer.

All was going well, when suddenly the old appliance began to sputter and cough. Sparks flew everywhere and the old dryer exploded into a huge ball of fire that was visible from space. It consumed their little old house, and the entirety of the 40 acre farm on which Blanche’s late husband Herbert worked 43 years to complete, killing the chickens, frying the eggs, and killing Blanch’s three horses, Ned, Kilby and the third of which who’s name was never documented on record. (And if it was the record was burned up.)

Skiperdoo came out unscathed but a bit static.

Needless to say Blanche needed a new dryer. She decided to take in the warranty and retrieve a new solar powered portable dryer.

So to avoid expensive shipping costs, Blanche purchased two 350-dollar cruise tickets on the Queen Marry, to personally make the trip to Tasmania to pick up the new contraption. Her old sense of adventure and need for a challenge was beginning to come back. Youth was breathed into her again. Blanche was once a great fighter, trained by the masters, and felt her long dormant skills returning.

On the way she met Dracula on the ship and threw him overboard to the fishes. Thus Dracula suffered a very uneventful death at the hands of Blanche, after centuries of a reign of tyranny in Transylvania. But this event is not important in this period of history and is not pertinent to the story, thus we will speak no more of it.

Anyway She went to Tasmania, took some lovely pictures of the wildlife, such as kelp, sea cucumbers and the voracious wild mongoose. After picking up her dryer and having a run in with the Chinese mafia over a voided check, Blanche boarded the Ship for the journey home.

Unfortunately Blanche drifted into a deep sleep, and when she awoke she found that she had missed her stop, and had ended up somewhere on the southeast coast of the arctic wastes, or more so, south southwest, and somewhat north nearer Norway, or Dublin or someplace like that. And what’s worse, she noted that her dentures were missing.

She exited the ship, all other passengers having contracted the dreaded Scouitzkylumpingitis syndrome virus, highly contagious, with a tendency to be somewhat on the benign side of malignant.

She came to the conclusion that this arctic wasteland was completely devoid of life. So having found a suitable souvenir shop, she bought a small bag of dried peas for the road.

While walking along, and balancing on the edge of a cliff, she saw out of the corner of her eye, Skiperdoo vigorously chasing a lemming, which he chased right over the cliff. Skiperdoo stood suspended in air for a moment, then VOOSH! Fell like a rock as gravity took its course. Blanche watched in terror as Skiperdoo fell hundreds of feet into the icey cold water below. Determined to save her fuzzy little friend, Blanche dug her boney old, fingers, which were callused, worn, yet tough as nails from almost 60 years of playing the piano, into the side of the cliff and began the long descent to rescue her floating comrade.

Right as she reached the bottom of the cliff she stopped to admire some lovely purple daisy’s on the ground, having forgotten what she was doing, on account that she had suffered a minor stroke back in 71 and had Alzheimer’s. My, did they smell lovely, but suddenly she was roused from her never land like state by the yapping of her drowning dog. She turned to see a large horn ascending out of the deep blue abyss. Why it was a Giant Narwhal, Blanche remembered them from her high school wildlife Biology class. It had come to eat Skiperdoo.

This, now was the deciding moment, would Blanche Summon her inner crocodile hunter and defeat the Narwhal, or would she stand and watch in shock as her little pet was rent in twain and consumed by the assailing sea monster. She summoned the courage and just as the vicious creature was about to ingest the little dog, she exploded into the air with an ancient Scottish war cry and a double barrel roll, and began to beat the Narwhal with her purse filled with bricks. The Narwhal’s Long spear like horn broke off and with a stunning turn of the table and lightning reflexes, Blanche impaled the Beast with its own weapon. All was well; the Narwhal floated lifelessly in the biter cold water, now tainted red, and slowly sank to the bottom of the sea.

Blanche and Skiperdoo then caught the nearest bus home, but having no change, Blanche promised the bus driver ten percent of her second million. They returned to what was left of their little home, and Blanche and Skiperdoo together began the rebuilding process.